#ive been ill in the last 10 years

[oifaaa]

I was trying to remember the last time I was this sick and realised its actually been about 10 years and the only reason why I remember that is because last time I had to take 2 weeks off school and spent them playing mystic messenger

#anyway im gonna redownload mystic messenger and try replaying it #im sure a game i enjoyed alot when i was 16 will still hold up today #right #also yeah #ive been ill in the last 10 years #but this is like #the type of illness that would have killed me if this was the 1600s

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol

#.mei chats #soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain #i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent #i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them #and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself #but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back #trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do #Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms #or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!! #<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect #in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly. #they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid. #god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now #i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all #so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do #god this got long. sawry #.not f/o related

[suculentt]

i love how the medical advice i get to not make my condition worse is to simply control it. like wow cool, idk why i never thought about doing that before, thank you i'm cured :)

#i am being sarcastic #yeah so. after a year of poor health i have been officially diagnosed with diabetic peripheral and autonomic neuropathy #so theres no way to treat it. no way to make it better. it will only get worse as time goes on #my doctors have told that. in order to make it progress slower. i need to control my diabetes #like okay dude. its not like ive been trying to do that every day of my life for 10 years or anything #and ive also been told not to sit up or stand up too quickly. and not to stay stabding or in a seated position for very long #cool. its not like i had to sit in a waiting room for 4 hours today or anything. again i am being sarcastic #ughhhh sorry for the venting im just. very sad about this. sorta annoyed. and kinda angry #my neuropathy has been slowly developing over the last 5 years. like. i only just turned 22 #vent #mumbles #type 1 diabetic #chronic illness #disabled #delete later

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did #bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried #another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one #machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem #god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8 #and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration #ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a #personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up #bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like #yayyy vacation soon ☺️ #ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine #ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought #my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home #god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great #i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc #thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days #and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst #move. bc again. im barely a functional person #god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive #down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno #unrelated

[marblerose-rue]

FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR this is me easing back into drawing im hoping to finish a request or 2 tomorrow it just depends on how the day goes . ANYWAY here r some ocs u_u

#my art #do not copy trace or steal #mrb #ones an oc i recycled but she fits better here i think #i thiiink paradigms been shown before i know abbeys been shown before but the other 3 havent unless ive posted brandy #but i dont think so . yeah i looked i havent #new followers beware: i have i think abt my ocs too much disorder its so bad [not really] i have an oc universe ive been working on for #abt.? 4 years but a majority of the ocs are almost 9-10 years old #fun fact kaden my fursona is nine she turns ten in the fall #my marblerose ocs r a special interest of mine i could talk about them for ages i #im sorry this isnt wc content but also not really HBLDKJFHDFHGBD #anyway these r the antags of my story but not in order of importance #WELL LIKE depending on *where* in the story one person kinda gets a redemption but it depends on what u consider a redemption #after this im gonna lay down last night was the first time in what feels like a month i was able to sleep before midnight #ive been having such bad problems w sleeping #im squinting im not gonna proofread if you see errors kindly ignore them i think i hit all of my talking points if u want me to talk more #abt my ocs please let me know if im not busy ill drop whatever im doing to talk about them #THIS IS EMBARASSING I DID THE MATH WRONG kaden will be *nine* not ten thats the year after

[ayakinari]

you ever just

#duck rants about something #hoooooo man. why did all my motivation and ability to create go out the window as soon as i finished that valk piece #i cant draw. i dont know what to draw i knew what i had to draw but i cant. put it on canvas #cant go in an art block now of all times theres less than one month and a half until finals and i need some sort of portfolio put together #by then and. i am Still exhausted i thought !! it was getting better but nope i am still incredibly fatigued by Everything #and to make matters worse its thursday tomorrow meaning the classes i dislike the most i just want to lie down for 10 years maybe i dont kn #maybe pursuing art as a career was a bad idea. maybe im not fit for this but im already over a year into this art school and i dont want to #waste the money my family's put into letting me go to this school #and i absolutely love it here the teachers are nice and my classmates are cool and i made friends for the first time in years #but god if i havent been in the worst headspace of my life this past year. #well this year was going a bit too well for me in terms of art i had a steady pace of imrpoving and trying out new things but now its just #i cant do anything. no matter what i doodle or sketch or just let my hand do whatever nothings coming out and it terrifies me #maybe im being dramatic! i know someone would say im being just that #god i dont want to go to class tomorrow either im not in the mood for a religious lecture but ive already skipped the past two weeks #keep it up any more than that and itll probably result in a call to my parents #my parents are probably gonna call me later tonight anyways. should get it together til then #maybe i need a nap. maybe i need to go outside and take a walk and look at a bug. maybe i just need to go out in a field and scream #auhgh but i need to draw i need to make Something i cant halfass something the way i did last semester and barely pass #and now im getting dizzy just typing this out thanks brain #ill probably delete this later i just really need to. hhghghhhgh please let me draw. please let me make something or anything at all #i dont know what id have if it isnt art. #ive always been mediocre at everything in my life the only thing giving me peace of mind is drawing #if thats all im good for then what even use am i without it #and sure! maybe im actually not that good at it! maybe my artstyle is uninspired and boring maybe im just wasting my time!!! #but i still love it immensely i love making my silly characters i love drawing out my dumb stories i love just. #making things and being okay at it. maybe. am i actually good at this probably not. maybe im also mediocre at this and just kidding myself #sorry for being emotional on a wednesday. must be the curse #anyways

[moss-sprouted]

just got struck by the memory that not only did i read the main percy jackson series during the summer when i was 11 (sea of monsters in one day) then i also proceeded to reread them in 7th grade but lie to my friends that it was my first time reading them for some reason

#i read Dozens of books those two years too so they didnt take me the full like school year #i read a series of unfortunate events and twilight in 6th grade and then gaurdians of ga'hoole in 7th grade i think only up to like book 6? #whichever one where they go to the like winter island but i lost interest in that one #that was in 7th grade and i read some of the narnia ones as well #i also unfortunately reread harry potter which technically it was read to me the first time but still #and then through highschool i read a lot #and this was also like during class and i still got decent grades #now ive been ahdjkd only Slowly back into reading but ive read a lot this year that im proud of #i read a lot of heavy long books though so rereading PJO has been a palate clenser #and hopefully hoo will get me back into bigger books #pjo has so far taken me like #a month for each book and im on book 3 so hopefully ill be on hoo by the end of the year but the last olympians a bit longer so im not sure #its not that it talk me a lot to read the books because i finished the last 10 chapters of sea of monsters in like 3 hours its more i only #really get time to read at night when going to bed and im bad about going to bed earlier and i usually can only read for a bit before its #light out #OH i also read hunger games all of it somewhere in that time period #i think christmas just before the movie came out #so that was probably early 7th grade but i could be wrong #times a fuck but i did read a lot #sorry for the tags infodump idk how else to talk about reading ahdkdk

[myrtaceaae]

Really frustrating to feel my declining mental health, desperately trying to stop it, getting no results

#about me #marginally less depressed & not extremely psychotic. great! but uh. still depressed. can't work. can't go unfamiliar places. can't focus #i know I've been having a good complain but it's so fucking frustrating when sure some symptoms have been managed #but ive not returned to the level of functioning that i was 3 years ago. & even then wasn't functioning great either #actually bipolar #and then if we look back on my life. up until 10 i was managing. but for the last 15 years I've barely managed to keep my head above water #my life jas been closing in on me. not properly able to study. 1 job which i was able to consistently work #1 friend that i kept out of high school. 1 irl friend that I've made since then #i can only go about 6 months without some kind of crisis #struggling with housing due to mental illness + lack of work #fucking awful #medication has worked a teeny bit. group therapy isn't helping. individual therapy has helped the dissociation #but weirdly i was more functional when i was dissociating.

[scatterpatter]

Going through my defenses and you guys REALLY like Red omg-

#I HARDLY EVEN DRAW HIM ANYMORE WHICH NEEDS TO CHANGE BUT SKDFBKZHDBFKHSD #5/10 ATTACKS IVE GOTTEN SO FAR ARE HIM #4/10* I CANT COUNT APPARENTLY #YALL SEE A TRANS BI-SASTER AND JUST GO FERAL HUH /lh #IM NOT MAD THO I LOVE HIS DESIGN HE GIVE ME MANY GENDER ENVY #BUT ILL ADMIT I WASNT EXPECTING THIS MUCH LOVE SKJBFKSJDBF #artfight defense tag #//red #MAO WON OUT IN 2020 AND CORREN AND RED TIED LAST YEAR #SO TO SEE RED DOMINATING SO FAR AND NO MAO OR CORRENS IN SIGHT YET IS VERY FUNNY NGL #IM TRYING TO KEEP UP ON THE DEFENSES BE PATIENT IVE NEVER BEEN ATTACKED SO MUCH IN SUCH A SHORT TIME BEFORE

[be-good-to-bugs]

i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa

#the bin #i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious #so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh. #i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad #im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20 #more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long #and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful #i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed #and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what #else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option #i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed! #it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them #all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister #also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be. #i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul #fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh. #how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon #and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some #i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to #all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone #besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider #friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period #i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho. #i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past #8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me. #its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone #it will get better. it has to.

[toastsnaffler]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule #im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep #and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it #drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3 #bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and- #b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant #by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long #i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes #just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to- #go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway #and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao #whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway #ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man #i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-( #im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people- #seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This. #i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in.. #like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still #it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED #UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383 #.diaries #.vent

[jiatiful]

.

#been feeling horrible these past 2 days and i havent been to art school #the schedule is a mess bc i have to take the bus everyday and it doesnt really match with my afternoon classes #so i get stressed bc i have to wait for hours and then run to get the last bus and skip the last 2h or sometimes the last 3h of classes #and i know i have no control over that but the fact that we're also struggling with money issues lmao like the cherry on top #+ mentally im not doing alright ive been battling with ocd since i was 10 but its getting hard so it doesnt help with my anxiety either #i have constants heart palpitations since 2 years ago bc of anxiety and these 2 days ive been feelings useless for not going to school #but i dont feel strong enough and im scared of going out its like everything's too much right now and i know itll get better #it always does #but i had a huge anxiety attack this evening and im just so tired physically and mentally i dont even have the energy to care about school #it drains me #i hope i can start some schoolwork tomorrow tho #or else ill have too many stuff to do soon and ill have more anxiety lol #anyways ik no one's gonna read this but i needed to rant #rant

[panlyv]

wtv

#self harm tw #it's funny how much crueler i am with myself now than when i was younger #because ive been shing for hhh idk 8 9 years now #it started as me wanting to punish myself for all the guilty i felt inside #and it went on for a long long time because i just felt horrible and i needed to disappear so things would be alright #but i couldn't kill myself so i just hurt my body instead to try and make up for it #i was sad and scared and confused back then #but now? im just angry. im tired. im fed up of myself #the cuts are much deeper and longer and there's so many more of them #and i just keep doing it #i honestly dont think there's much rhyme or reason for it rn. i just wanna hurt myself bc i hate myself so much i want to fucking die #and yeah maybe ill attempt again but this time ill make damn sure it works #but i still never harm my wrists or anywhere visible #its always my waist/hips/thighs and i never wear shorts or anything above my ankles #like i cant tell u the last time i wore actual shorts or like proper beachwear (i live in the beach) bc my hips are just scars #prob been like 10 years since ive worn swimwear lmfao thanks gender dysphoria and self harm ! #but yeah now i just want it to hurt and bleed and make me feel some goddamn thing that inst this fucking void #im so fucking tired dude #what's the point of anything #nothing feels meaningful or real or important enough #im an unlovable broken motherfucker and im fed up of never getting better #oh but u need to stop being so pessimistic then !! suck my dick ive tried pretending i wanted to live and be happy and it never worked #so again whats the fucking point #im done here #dawn.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#how is it that i can get only like 6hrs of sleep. go for an hr run up a mountain and still b wired #like ??? make it make sense??? im not even a lil tired. im considering going up thr mountain again #how does my body do this? im not even euphoric. i just habe too much energy #i just wanna smash things with a baseball bat. its so weird. i guess its not really an issue. i just dont understand it which bothers me #its either a mood thing or the hyper disorder :-/ but like idk how i havent noticed it before #like have i always been like that? i have evidence going back to 2019 but i didnt actually notice it until the last year for real #...i guess there is maybe a reason i didnt have so much energy before this but ya kno #whatever. i can try to find a therapist in like 10 days or something. so ill try to figure it out lol #idk im just vibing bc im sorta unemployed rn. i mean ive been hired as a TA but dont meet for that until thurs but im not at my research #assistant job anymore as of Friday. so i can do whatever tf i want. except im still working on my data 🙃 bc im fucked up like that #hopefully the energy lasts. or maybe not bc idk how i would fucking sit in an office at a desk like this #jesus. im like: me having adhd is impossible. but also me: having to do 3 things at once to pay attention and fucking dancing while i liste #bc i cant sit still. listen. i wont believe it until someone diagnoses me. but it wouldn't not make sense #ugh. i wanna run up the mountain again. but last time i was running twice a day to get rid of energy i fucked up my leg and its still #fucked up. but like not enough thst it hurts to walk so i still run on it. maybe ill go see a doctor once my new insurance kicks in lmao #oh Jesus my brain. maybe im just happy to havr all my insurance bullshit cleared up. i guess thats a bonus to living in like libertari4n #land. less regulations than my last state in terms of car insurance lmao #or maybe im nervous abt thr start of the semester. its gonna b a fucking wild ride lol #unrelated

[marsuni]

can someone can twist my arm behind my back until i sit down and eat an actual, full, nutritionally sound meal to completion

#ive had such a hard time eating lately and ive been getting sick again but eating is so unpleasant and difficult #and sometimes helps sometimes just makes me feel sicker but i know not eating makes it worse #and i know the more i put off eating the sicker ill feel and the more trying to eat will maje it worse but i !!!! cant !!!!!!! #i either forget bc my appetite doesnt exist or i feel so sick it takes me hours of barley sipping to finish a cup of broth #and even than sometimes i just get sick!!!! and start puking!! even when im good and when i eat and do everything im supposed to !!!! #ill just wake up and immediately have to hug a toilet until a) it stops long enough that i can keeps my meds down #b) i cant stop puking and i have to go to the fucking hospital to get an IV of anti neasua stuff so i can take my seizure meds #and than i end up there for days longer than i need to bc they ALWAYS find something secondary wrong with me to milk my medicade #sorry rant over for now im so tired of being sick all the time i cant even remember a time i wasnt at least a 2 on a 0-10 neasua scale #and thats a good day tbh #i fucking puke almost once a day and just the fact that it even stops is a massive improvement from last year #but god i just want one day where im not scared im gonna randomly start barfing like someone fed me epicat sryup #or how ever you spell the emergency vomiting drink stuff u know

[swampdrive]

Love having to hemorrhage money on fucking ubering to work <3 its sooo great and totally isnt emotionally crushing to have it be a major financial drain

#looked and i literally cant take the bus to work now and i #dont have anyone who could give me a ride so ive been slamming through art stuff for the last few weeks trying to make enough to cover the #costs and like i should feel thankful i guess that im able to do that but i was already burntout and depressed before this and its only #making the burnout worse for me. i fucked up my neck by holding it in a weird position for hours while drawing 2 wks ago and made it even #worse last weekend doing the same thing but i cant really stop and take a break from drawing on the weekends or i won't make enough money #i did download lyft this morning bc its slightly cheaper than uber and im trying to cut costs where i can #i cant cut back and just take it out of my normal paycheck either bc its racking up really fast and if i don't meet my savings goals every #month ill never be able to afford a house which is the only sustainable way im going to have housing in the next 5-10 years bc i know for #a fact in the worst case scenario my sister will kick me out since the house deed will be in her name and she hates me no matter what my mom #says and what promises she says shell hold my sister to. it wont be on paper and after working at my job ive seen time and time again the #same shit happening over and over again #i dont make enough to afford an apartment at all and i dont know anyone looking for a roommate and im terrified #vent