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365days365movies · 2 years

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31 (Films) to Life: The Maltese Falcon (1941)

The name’s 365. And the game: mediocre film reviews.

There I was, on a normal winter afternoon. Snow falling from the clouds, glittering white spectacle hiding the harsh cold outside. Seems like the world is that way sometimes: beautiful at a glance, but it’ll kill you if you leave yourself bare and unprotected. That’s why I stay indoors in times like this; watch it from afar, and you can’t get hurt. So I’ve learned in my 30 years of being on this planet.

I settled down, decided on watching a moving picture that day. I had settled on watching a 1941 classic, The Maltese Falcon. They say it’s the first film noir, or at least the first film that defined the genre as we know it. I fired up the television, and found the movie in HBO Max. I grabbed a drink, a cool glass of raspberry lemonade Crystal Lite, and relaxed for the first time in what felt like a long time.

But before I tell you about this, I need to ask: are you in? This is a story full of twists and turns, and some of you may not want to come along for the ride. I don’t get out much, but from what I hear, the kids today call them SPOILERS. You sure you want to hear this story? Well, then, sit down; grab a lemonade. Because boy, do I have a story to tell you.

Spoilers ahead, buster.

The picture came on, and there he was: Humphrey Bogart. This hadn’t been the first time we’d crossed paths, although that was a different time...different people. He was in The African Queen, playing a boat captain in World War I era central Africa. I was watching romance movies at the time, and had no idea what I was doing. Well, Bogart was different. I still have no idea what I’m doing on this hellsite.

Bogart was in rare form. He was playing detective Sam Spade, one of the most famous characters in script and screen. A hard-nosed private eye who takes no guff from those who’d offer it. He was mean, he was lean...he was cool. I liked him, to be frank. Admired his moxie, you could say. Spade was sitting in his office, accompanied by his secretary Effie (Lee Patrick). She was also a tough gal, and I also liked her a lot. Movie came out it 1941, but it felt like she was Spade’s real partner throughout the film. As for his other partner...ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself. My mind wanders in times like these.

That’s when she walked in. Well, maybe I should say they. Entering into my little world was my fiancée, a bright spot in my temporarily shades-of-gray world. She looked at me and asked what I was doing, and why I was wearing a fedora and in black-and-white. I just said “noir”, and she figured it out; she’s a smart dame. She sat down and played Minecraft, or something. I was too wrapped up in the movie.

Entering Sam Spade’s office was Ruth Wonderly (Mary Astor), and I knew who she was right away: the stereotypical film noir love interest/seductress/not to be trusted person. She wove some story about her missing sister, not that I or Spade believed it. Caught the interest of his partner, Miles Archer (Jerome Cowan), and they agreed to help her out. Got Archer killed. Why? Because it was inevitable in a film like this. Partners die. It’s the rules of the game for a film noir private eye detective. As is this shot of a newspaper. Surprised it wasn’t spinning. Then again, my head was compensating for the both of us. Too much lemonade, I think. I should probably lay off, but I need something sweet to tolerate this salty and sour world.

From there, the film went on in earnest. Archer’s wife, Iva Archer (Gladys George) is another in a likely long line of women in love with Sam Spade, and believes that Spade killed Miles to get her. Which, to me, sounds like somebody needs to get off her high horse; she’s liable to get hurt. Spade turns her away, but has two more visits soon enough. Detectives Dundy (Barton MacLane) and Polhaus (Ward Bond) are on his ass, also thinking he killed his partner. Idiots. He’s the main character in a film noir film. His hands might be dirty, but not with his partner’s blood.

The last visit, though, comes from a curious character, and another familiar face to me. The large-eyed Hungarian man was none other than Peter Lorre, from the last movie, M. He was playing Joel Cairo, a crook and a smuggler looking for a priceless treasure: the Maltese falcon. He offers Spade a tidy sum for the statuette back in his possession, but I was distracted. I knew at once that I’d heard of this fabled object. Not only was it the title of the film, but it’s also one of film history’s best and greatest MacGuffins. While Joel pulled a gun and Spade knocked him unconscious IMMEDIATELY, I got to work.

You’ve been in this business as long as I have, and you’ll be able to recognize a MacGuffin when you see it. Citizen Kane had the sled, Pulp Fiction has the briefcase of mystery, Frodo had to yank around that damn ring for three movies, et cetera. It’s that item that the plot centers around, that item that the characters have, need, or have a need to get rid of. But that’s not the only reason this little bird was flying through my head.

The Maltese falcon in particular is very well-known in film history. Why? A story for later on, but take it from be; it’s famous. So famous that I already knew the ending of this movie. A pity, but I had to stick through to the end. Which wasn’t hard, since the direction and cinematography by Western director John Huston and partner Arthur Edeson made me tear up a little bit. First time I’ve cried in hours. This film was gorgeous, no doubt about that; you could see that as plain as the nose o Bogart’s face. Easy on the eyes makes for easy watching, lemme tell ya.

Spade thought the same thing about his client, the former Ruth Wonderly. I say former because, as I’d suspected, she was a sham and a pathological liar. Her real name was Brigid O’Shaughnessy, and she was in league with a group of smugglers and treasure hunters, one of whom was dead the same night as Archer. Another mystery to solve, although it’s pretty certain that the same dead man killed Archer before kicking his own bucket.

Soon, Spade decides to bring together the gang: him, Brigid, and Cairo. Together, at his apartment, they’ll figure out where they stand. When Cairo arrives, things are tense, real tense. He introduces another player into the mix: the Fat Man. That puts Brigid on edge, and makes Spade and I as curious as a cat in a canning factory. A new player? What role is he going to play in this sordid affair?

But just then, the tension boils over! Cairo pulls a gun, Spade bloodies his nose a bit, and then there’s a knock on the door. It’s Dundy and Polhaus, the nosy ninnies. They’ve come to talk with Spade, but end up breaking up the fight between Cairo and Brigid (feisty fella and dame that they are). Cairo’s taken into custody for questioning, and Brigid and Spade get to know each other. But all the while, somebody else is watching outside.

Doesn’t take long for us to meet that other person: a two-bit no-account thug named Wilmer (Elisha Cook Jr.). Handy with a knife as my lungs are with air, Wilmer’s not all there in the brainpan; a couple screws short of a full box, if you know what I mean. He threatens Spade, who takes it in stride. That’s our Sam for you; unnerved to the core. Anyway, Wilmer has a message for Spade, who’s at a hotel, waiting for Cairo post police questioning. Wilmer tells Spade that the Fat Man wants to meet him to propose a deal about the Falcon. Spade accepts, and goes to meet the man himself. And lemme tell ya...you’re gonna love this.

The minute I laid eyes on “Fat Man” Gutman (Sydney Greenstreet), I knew two things. One, this guy was one tough customer. And two, he is literally live action Kingpin (Wilson Fisk) before the character even existed. I did my research, and sure enough, Stan Lee based his famous NYC crime boss on Greenstreet, and on the Fat Man himself. I allowed myself to shed a tear in joy. Let’s go, Mets.

The Fat Man starts to dance around the topic of the Falcon, much to Spade’s feigned irritation. He throws a fit to get his way, and he gets his way alright. The Fat Man asks him to come back later that night, and he tells him the history of the little black bird. Apparently, it’s a treasure over 400 years old, and it’s worth a fortune. The Fat Man even offers Spade a quarter of the profits, were he to help them find it. But if you walk into a viper’s nest...expect to get bitten. Spade’s drink is spiked, and he passes out. Gutman, Wilmer, and the in-league Cairo escape, planning on going after the person they believe has the statue: Brigid.

From there, all hell breaks loose. See, Brigid actually smuggled the statue to a friend, a boat captain at the harbor. The two got caught by the Fat Man and his guys, leading to a burnt-down boat, a dead captain, and the statue in Sam’s oh-so-capable hands. Brigid sent him, dying, to Spade’s office, with the statue in hands. And once the Falcon is recovered, Sam rescues Brigid from the Fat Man’s clutches, only to find the Fat Man and crew waiting for them at his place.

Three dead men and one burned boat, all for this little black statuette. Spade agrees to take $10,000, right off the bat, assuming somebody can get fingered for the three murders, including that of his partner. Looks like Wilmer’s the fall guy, the poor slob. After all, he did kill the boat captain and the other dead man...but not Archer. That’s still a mystery. But enough of that; it’s Christmas time, because it’s time to unwrap our presents.

Ho. Ho. Ho. Somebody fetch the milk and cookies.

There it is: the Maltese Falcon. In the world outside of the silver screen, this little bird fetched $4.5 million at auction, making it one of the most valuable film props in film history. And in universe, underneath its black lacquer, priceless jewels rest beneath. Or, uh...so you’d think.

See, the big ending of the film, and the most ironic twist in film history, is that the statuette that was worth 4.5 big ones in real life...is a fake in the film. Three men dead, all for a useless, worthless, statue of a falcon. The owner of the bird swapped it out when he realized these idiotic treasure hunters were coming, making the entire struggle of the movie completely pointless. The world feels that way sometimes, to a film noir private eye. All that struggle, for a useless hunk of rock.

Cairo freaks out, and Gutman demands his money back. Spade takes a service fee, professional shyster that he is. Gotta admire that fella’s moxie. Cairo and Gutman make a clean escape to find the statue elsewhere, while Wilmer escapes and Brigid stays with Sam. But Spade knows the score now, and he lays the truth squarely on the liar’s head: Brigid killed Archer. And she’s gonna pay for it. No amount of honeyed words or passionate kisses can save her now. He turns her over to the detectives, and tells them where to find Gutman, Wilmer, and Cairo. One of the detective picks up the bird, asks what it is. And Spade says:

Hell of a film. My thoughts? Worth about 92¢.

Cast and Acting: 10/10

Plot and Writing: 9/10

Direction and Cinematography: 10/10

Production and Art Design: 9/10

Music and Editing: 8/10

...Also, yeah, enough of the noir speak. Got draining towards the end there. Real talk, this film is goddamn fantastic. Even knowing from the beginning that the falcon was fake didn’t matter to me; gorgeously shot and iconically written by John Huston, beautifully scored by Adolph Deutsch, and perfect acting literally all around (not a single weak point here for me, I loved it whole-heartedly), this movie...this is a great movie.

I’d have more analysis normally, but...I really don’t! It’s a great movie! My only notes are the fact that I wouldn’t really buy this sountrack (it’s good, but not playlist-worthy for me), the Falcon actually does just look like wood, and the writing is great, but also cheesy-as-hell. Still, in context, it works ridiculously well. If you’re a film fan, a mystery fan, or a film noir fan (especially if you’re a fan noir), this is your movie, hot damn! Can’t wait for another film noir! So, what’s next?

Next: The Third Man (1949), dir. Carol Reed

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365days365movies · 3 years

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April 5, 2021: Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) (Recap: Part One)

Yeah, so...Spectrum exploded last night.

So, I'm unfortunately a little behind. BUT NEVER FEAR! I'll get back on time before you know it! So, uh...where were we last time? OH RIGHT! Let's talk about black comedy. And I don't mean black-and-white comedies, or comedies prominently featuring African-American culture and demographic. No, I mean dark comedies.

The "black comedy" functions off of macabre or taboo humor and jokes, and is often closely associated with biting satire and commentary in film. That definition is loose as hell, I know, but it's all about the subject matter. The most common subject matter for dark humor is death, of course, and related subjects to death. War, murder, strife, madness, and violence are also common topics here.

Some of the best comedies are black comedies, though. For example, Brazil (1985; dir. Terry Gilliam) focuses on themes of depression, dreams, terrorism, totalitarian governments, and madness. And it's GREAT. How about The Death of Stalin (2018; dir. Armando Iannucci)? The title ALONE should tell you everything you need to know about the tone and topic, AND YET...

It's HILARIOUS. And also informative! If you haven't seen it, I definitely recommend it. And again, that film is about, well...the death of Stalin, and the fallout of his disastrous and murderous regime. Dark, DARK topic, but very funny movie.

Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb is about war; Fargo is about murder in North Dakota; Heathers is about a toxic relationship and the death and murder of teenagers; Birdman, or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance is about an actor's existential crisis and complete mental breakdown; and Trainspotting is about the devastating effects of drug addiction and features a DEAD BABY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...and yet they're all full of laughs! Except for the baby scene. Fuck me, the baby scene in Trainspotting.

So, yeah, these are a diverse group of films, that's for sure. But where does it all start? There's 1942's To Be or Not to Be (dir. Ernst Lubitsch), which is about a Polish theatre company who need to escape in the midst of...well, 1942 Poland. If you don't get why that's dark, you should probably look up some history, bud. Charlie Chaplin would dip into the role in 1947's Monsieur Verdoux, which I mentioned last time. And there's the seldom-talked-about Kind Hearts and Coronets (dir. Robert Hamer), a 1949 film about murder for status, essentially.

But it's hard to argue that the most prominent early black comedy is 1944's Cary Grant vehicle, Arsenic and Old Lace.

Directed by Frank Capra, this film was based on a 1941 stage play, and is about...well, we'll get to it. While its prominence as a black comedy is one reason I'm watching this movie, the other is...well, to be honest, this is a movie I heard about CONSTANTLY from my Mom, as this is one of her favorites. And yet, like Dirty Dancing, I've somehow never seen it! Let's remedy that.

So, without further ado, let's get into it! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

The film starts off with a BANG, as a man calls me a “big simp” to my face! Actually, he’s screaming at a Brooklyn Dodgers game, where a massive fight breaks out. This fight quickly transitions to a city hall, where a line of people are waiting to file marriage licenses. Amongst the line is Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant) and Elaine Harper (Priscilla Lane).

Brewster is hiding from the press, as he’s a famous reviewer, and author of the Bachelor’s Bible, and it would be quite the scandal for him to get married. And yet, he’s head over heels in love with Elaine. After going through an existential crisis about the whole thing, he gives into Elaine’s sweet demeanor, and the two file their marriage license officially.

It’s Halloween day, and we move from the city to the suburbs of Brooklyn, where two policemen, O’Hara (Jack Carson) and Sanders (John RIdgely) are on patrol. Sanders tells O’Hara of the kindly Brewster Sisters, the sweetest women on Earth, both of whom live in the neighborhood. Currently, they are being visited by Reverend Harper (Grant Mitchell), Elaine’s father. He’s speaking with Abby (Josephine Hull) and Martha Brewster (Jean Adair), the kindly aunts of Mortimer.

Also living there is Mortimer’s brother Teddy Brewster (John Alexander), who apparently believes that he’s Teddy Roosevelt, which is...hilarious. Dude is hilarious, seriously. The cops come over to visit the two, and collect some clothes and toys for local charity. Also, Teddy only leaves a room by screaming “CHAAAAARGE!!!”, and running up the stairs, and I love Teddy a lot.

Reverend Harper and the cops leave for the night, and the sisters settle down for the evening. Abby and Martha state that their plans for Elaine and Mortimer should go as scheduled, which is probably talking about their marriage. Abby also mentions that she’s done something while she was away, to Martha’s delight and surprise. They tell Teddy that he’ll soon be digging a new lock for the Panama Canal...whatever that means.

Martha’s about to go to the basement to see what Abby’s done, but she states that because she was all by herself, the surprise is in the window seat. As she’s about to look at the surprise, Elaine shows up in the window, and the two arrive to give the happy news that they’re married. Elaine goes to tell her father of the news, while Mortimer goes to tell his sweet aunts. Afterwards, the two will be on their honeymoon, going to Niagara Falls. And I should say, they’re quite a sweet couple.

After telling the news to his aunts, he asks them where his notes are for his new controversial book, Mind Over Matrimony. They go to look for it around the house, and Teddy comes downstairs, dressed up in attire to “go to Panama.” Aunt Abby comes across a childhood picture of Jonathan, Mortimer’s brother and apparently a violent sociopath or some sort. She goes to burn the picture (geez), and Mortimer continues to look for the notes. He goes to the window seat.

Yup! It’s a body! Looks like Abby and Martha’s sweet old lady act is a guise for some myurder! Which I know, just because it’s the most famous thing about the movie. However, Mortimer thinks the murderer is Teddy, and tells his sweet old aunts about the body, asking that he gets put into an asylum. But Abby notes that Teddy didn’t kill the man, and they already know about the body!

Which, yeah, surprises Mortimer, obviously.

Abby cheerfully admits that the man, Mr. Hoskins, was poisoned by a tainted glass of elderberry wine, and that they did so on purpose, hiding the body before the Reverend came for a visit. The whole thing isn’t a big deal; it’s just Abby and Martha’s little secret!

After they leave, and brush off the whole thing as easy as needlepoint or macramé as a hobby, Mortimer, is completely broken by the whole affair, and is partially convinced that he’s dreaming. All the while, Elaine’s trying to get Mortimer to come over and speak with her father. But Mortimer can’t exactly forget about this whole silly murder thing, and goes to confront his aunts about it. He learns that Teddy’s digging not a lock, but a grave in the cellar. As he’s done with 10 other bodies. Or maybe it’s 11 others?

After picking up a phone call from Elaine, then hanging up abruptly (and understandably), Mortimer finds out how this whole thing started. See, the two have a “Renters Wanted” sign in their front lawn, and the neighborhood thinks that it’s there so the two sweet old ladies can offer help to anyone in need, even though they aren’t actually renting to anyone. In reality...well, they do it for another reason.

See, an older gentleman stopped by a bit ago, and he had a heart attack right there in the living room. After seeing how peaceful he looked, the two decided to bring in other lonely old men and bring in the same kind of peace. And from there...well, yeah, you get the general idea. They’ve been poisoning them with arsenic, strychnine, and cyanide mixed in with elderberry wine. Apparently, Martha’s got the mixture just right so that it tastes delicious. With all this explained, they offer Mortimer a sip of wine. Which he’s understandably nervous about.

But with all of that done, Elaine comes over to check in on him. But he’s not able to tell her anything, which greatly (and understandably) confuses her. He basically kicks her out (which enrages her, once again understandably), and calls a judge with the intent to frame the whole affair on Teddy, who’s always been.unstable. Which, for the record, is not even SLIGHTLY going to solve the problem.

But as he’s on the phone, a man named Gibbs (Edward McWade) comes in to rent an apartment. He’s all alone in the world, with nobody to care for him. And of course, this leads to the women trying to poison him with the wine. It’s a funny yet tense moment as he stops just short of drinking the wine, distracted by Mortimer’s freakout over the phone. But Mortimer gets off the phone JUST in time to scare Gibbs away and stop him from drinking the wine. And it is...VERY funny, goddamn.

As Mortimer tries to tell the aunts exactly what’s wrong with what they’re doing, the phone rings. It’s a call from Witherspoon (Edward Everett Horton), who runs an asylum that Mortimer wants Teddy committed into. However, they don’t quite have room for him, as they have too many Theodore Roosevelts at present. However, they do need more Napoleon Bonapartes. I love this goddamn movie.

Still, Witherspoon agrees to take him in despite that, and Mortimer head out to get the paperwork done. However, he asks his aunts to not do anything until he gets back, and he also proises that he’ll attend the “services” for their latest victim. He leaves, and kinda steals a cabbie’s car in the process (I love this movie, I’m telling you), and Abby and Martha start shutting things down for the night. However, as they do, they get a mysterious knock on the door. They pretend not to be home...only for a man with an ominous scar to enter the room regardless.

Let’s pause here, shall we? See you in Part 2!

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