#like . idk what . i should do abt it but this is awful

[acesammy]

The thing about how sam’s arc in season 4 is often discussed is that people simultaneously acknowledge that the angels are bad, while claiming Sam is an idiot for rebelling against them.

like I have listened through three (3) rewatch podcasts and they always seem to fall into this loop of going ‘hey the angels are Obviously up to no good’ while also going ‘Sam is really stupid. Why would he trust a demon when literal angels are telling him to stop’

idk man. Maybe bc the angels are Obviously up to no good????

#And it’s a really good arc so it’s got more going on #BUT #y’all can’t recognize that the angels are being shady as fuck and offering awful solutions #while SIMULTANEOUSLY saying that Sam should trust them implicitly #and yes there’s a lot of like very personal religious rebellion that’s going on with Sam that IS a bit .. petulant isn’t the right word #but he’s reacting to a /personal/ slight bc angels were supposed to be his hope and they are Dicks #He /was/ blinded by that #but also keep in mind that the first time sam met the angels they were proposing that they kill 1k+ people #And then there’s the flip side of this #which is that Sam gets to the point where he accepts that he’s evil. That what he’s doing is turning him into a monster. #but that doesn’t matter. /he/ doesn’t matter. So long as it saves the world #I mean the angels obviously aren’t trying too hard #lea speaks #sorry I keep dragging up dumb shit abt spn #idk I just want to get it out and this is a nice void to do so

[skitskatdacat63]

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily."

+ process(tw blood)

Also, look at him, bloody little guy 🥹

This drawing was inspired by several matador pics :D here and here:

^ I don't think I'll ever live up to the second one ah. There's several pics of that specific guy just soaked with blood, and I'm uh a bit obsessed with then ITS FUCKED UP I KNOW OKAY! But I've not drawn blood in a while so it was a bit difficult so I added less than I would want to I guess. Also I'm obsessed with how often they kneel in bullfighting?? Like okay who are you arching your back and spreading your legs for-

#ah not 100% sure abt this one but i think i still like it!!! #i was practicing matador poses during the wknd and im like yeah should prob paint one #and then it felt like all the energy left my body djfkkglg i was like ugh how do i paint again????? #mostly: just really wanted to draw him bloody #i love how every time i draw him in ferrari colors its just the most eye bleeding thing ever #my eyes get too used to it on my ipad's display and im like aw this isnt red enough :( #and then i transfer it to my phone and it feels like the red suddenly is hurting my eyes even worse djfkkglg #im glad the blood turned out well. i honestly think it was probably easier bcs the clothes are red already #but yes yes suffering ferrari nando. hes my comfort character atp 😭😭 #perfect catie drawing: depressed ferrari fernando. blood. napoleon quote #anyways yeah lmk! i think it looks okay?? idk i think i just love the first 2 matador drawings i ever did #and its very hard to live up to them. but whatever. we move on #im glad i did a more complicated pose at least ????? #also god i was somewhat annoyed w his face and then i redrew his eye and it was like OH OKAY suddenly good okay #tw blood #<- i would put this drawing under the cut but like. my blog i do what i want and i want to draw blood #i used to draw bloody stuff a lot more but ah idk less opportunities now sjfkkglg so it was kinda nice #catie.art. #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #matador au

[silenthillbunni]

🏥🦷

#damn my teeth on my left side reallyyyyy fkn hurt #last night it started hurting so bad i couldnt fall asleep #i took some regular over the counter pain pills nd they brought down the pain a bit #so it at least didnt hurt as bad as it did first #but now after sleeping a few hours it still hurts :// #idk what to do... bc i've googled but it is like impossible for me to know what this is. could be anything rlly #nd w physical health stuff im not as terrified bc i can just go to the ER. when i was there it only cost $15 lol #but dental care is so fkn expensive i dont even have that in my account #anyway. i could get an 'urgent appointment' which i get financial aid for... probably. thats the thing. it's not 100% certain #idk what i should do bc like i could wait it out nd see if it'll pass nd then wait on my appt the 6th may #or maybe i should call my dentists nd ask them what they think nd if they can give me an urgent appt.. #i hate calling tho. i know that sounds ridiculous esp when im dealing w pain but my avpd makes it so so hard for me. i'd almost rather not #if i was smart nd normal thats what i would do. just call them nd see what they decide for me. maybe i'll wait nd see nd call tmrw.... #nd idk abt the pain. like it rlly hurts but it isnt extreme i think.. but when i press one tooth it hurts a lot nd makes me worried it's #dying 💀 nd like u can actually die from teeth pain nd complications... nd infections nd stuff. it's scary af 😭 #idk if my tooth is dying nd i need to contact a dentist rn or if its smth that can wait for a bit #i mean if i had a job nd a salary i'd book an appt for tmrw nd get it checked but i have to discuss w myself bc i cant afford lol #ugh this is the reason im terrified of dental problems. the pain is awful nd theres nothing u can do if you're poor #my head keeps spinning idk what i should do abt this 😭 i csnt make up my mind. just want it to go away on its own but i know it wont #nd it hurts so that i can barely sleep or eat or concentrate. so i rlly dont know..... #oh if only things were easy

[skunkg1rll]

when i love someone i WANT to learn abt their past traumas, their insecurities nd pain so that i can learn how to love them right. i want to understand how i should treat, reassure and comfort them. i want to learn their love languages so i can love them the way they need

#but why.... does no one ever want to do that for me? #i always have to bend and reshape so im as little bothersome as possible #and ppl always say stuff like omg u need to communicate nd u need to tell them blah blah blah #ok but what abt when u actually do all of that but no one listens to u???? #i actually do communicate my needs. very clearly #yet... im never heard or listened to #am i just not worth that??? idk.. i dont get it #i just ache to be loved the way i love. bc i know that i love wholly and profoundly #but im gonna run out if i cant receive the love that i need #:(((( #also it just hurts to be so understanding and supportive and want ppl to be comfortable #but then i dont get to take up any space or i dont get to have needs #i should only listen but never ask for anything in return #it just sucks #have i done smth wrong??? or am i just an awful person? delusional? #bc i have NEVER been in a space where im safe to express my feelings #not w my family. not friends. not even my therapists lmao (theyve also criticized nd judged me) #so im starting to think that maybe i actually am wrong #maybe if everywhrre i go im met by this. maybe i just need to suck it up #and be grateful for whatever scraps of love im thrown #bc clearly i am doing smth wrong!!!!!!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just #feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives #function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty #god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student #so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self #destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure #rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done #but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry #and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen #ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i #didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there #i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a #wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo. #idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues? #i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell #unrelated

[coffin-flop]

i know my cat knows i love him but does he know how much?

#this question haunts me #I'm literally cryinc bc it's a 'holiday' (but also fuck thanksgiving it really is and should be a national day of mourning for indigenous #communities to honor the genocide and the continued violence they face bc of american white supremacy and colonialism) #but like i do have nostalgic ties frkm childhood and im thinking abt how weird life has been #since my mom and I REALLY started growing apart (bc i started to understand things and she started spiraling) #but how none of my holidays feel lonely even whem i mostly spend then alone bc my cat almost always snuggles with me the whole time #like okay yeah this is what its all for in the end #this is what i live for lol #anyway that holiday talk sounded sad but actually it's really happy #when i tried to do holidays w the immediate fam i used to stress a lot and usually experienced something traumatic #so like it's so nice to have quiet peaceful holidays with my angel of a cat who's been here thru it all #the first time he headbutted me was when i came home from my mom's on Thanksgiving the last year i spent it with hwr #idk i just love this lil dude. hes neen a constant for almost 7 years now like wow #also sometimes i hang out w friends or facetime friends after their fam gatherings or friends who also dont celebrate #i was interested in going to an indigenous day of mourning march however i am still feeling pretty awful after my root canal 2 days ago #so i will try to go next year

[lockawayknight]

[|87

#been burdening my friends and partner too much with bitching about life but talking abt it makes me feel better so. i’m here. #new job is awful. but in a weird way. #i’m learning things and love my coworkers and the location and clients and work itself #but my boss is. my god. #it’s a little local place owned by one woman operated from inside her extra home on her property #she runs everything #and she is nice but she is??? loud ig. abusively loud #she screams and cusses and berates and belittles everyone and like #they all think it’s silly. it’s just her personality. they laugh or shrug it off. it’s just how she is. but i can’t do it #every day i tear up or cry on the way home cus she raises her voice at me or i hear her cussing and screaming in the back about like #me fucking up. over silly things. like i took a message for her but didnt say it was urgent. #then i hear her in the back HOW COULD SHE FUCK UP LIKE THIS SHE SHOULD KNOW THIS SHIT THIS IS SUCH SIMPLE SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HER #and i just cant handle it man!!! #and she is so nice and supportive and texts me almost every night to ask how i am and if i’m okay #and like fuck dude i guess?????? but im also!!!!! not!!!!!!!! #my partner and mom both said i should quit and i think im. gonna. #the other place that wanted me is still hiring. i’m gonna talk to them monday and see if i can take that job still #but fuck dude. i dont wanna tell my boss im leaving. i dont think she’ll blow up but if she does????? #idk #i just hate that things aren’t getting better. i dunno. i just wanna cry and sleep all day #hopefully i get the other job and my boss understands. we’ll see. #thanks for reading

[daffythefox]

^ my tags on a different post wanted to update that they also dmed me asking if i was okay. which means they’ve now triple texted me they’re literally obsessed with me i won the narc crash (is still emotionally devastated)

#i am so fucking pathetic #ty #literally i am actually on some level proud of myself for not #like #reaching out like a normal person #because he got concerned for me #honestly he should be so #idk #i mean if it comes up I'm just gonna be my avoidant attachment style self and deny deny deny but #it's nice to know he cares #at least he cares about figuring out this scheduling thing #my brain isnt being like 'aw they're worried abt me how great' its more 'hm this is a positive interaction' #and also 'please just text them back god you're pathetic' #and also 'they hate you' #which honestly might be true tbh #listen. did they send me down a narc crash spiral? yes #was it their fault? no #but also. i think i'm also doing this on some level to spite them #which is not the most healthy thing to do in this situation #what the fuck am i doing god i'm just digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole #me when i

[oatbugs]

AUGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#waiting for smn is soooo #idk #idk how to feel what to think #anyway asked my friends for advice on it #they were all like u should have a convo abt it. bc like #emotional support is important in a relationship and receiving none of it is bad #like how come we r both having a tough time and yet so far i was like aw theyre having a horrible time theyre dealing w #depression thats why they cant support me :(( like. #im also having a tough time dealing w depression and ive been there 4 them consistently !!! and im sorry but like when i was horribly #depressed like 10x worse than this yrs ago i remember i still did my best to be there for whoever i was dating at the time #but rn its so one sided like im excusing a complete lack of emotional support under the category of mental health stuff #and even tho i told myself it was an explanation not an excuse it was in fact both. it was def an excuse #depression can make it hard for u to be there for others but when theyre ur partner and ur best friend and u cant even respond #to them stating how they feel properly that is bad !! viewing them telling u their current emotion or feeling bc thats what the topic is #as ~putting stuff on you randomly~ is bad!! #like fr whenever i feel sad i have to eat up my feelings and cry on my.own bc im afraid theyre not going to respond well to me telling them #that. its not like i vent or anything either (w/o asking. but i dont even do that) its just #UGHHH IDK #anyway ive been avoiding this convo w them for a while bc i have been trying to be patient and just. wait for them to get better #and maybe someday they would be there for me!! maybe my friends r all the emotional support i need if i feel so bad that i cant keep it in! #but its just not fair on me i think. ive been feeling shit too!!! i forgot that i existed #until i finally told my friends abt it and they were like. relationships r a two way street etc etc #anyway yh #idk how this will go x #taking some time away to collect my thoughts n so are they so

[catboyr]

my roommate showed me some of her body checks from years ago and explained to me in detail why each picture meant so much to her bc she was skinnier and uh. okay. i know for sure she didn't mean it to be triggering but ig ill go die now

#and its not like i havent told her i have an ed too like... once again i dont want to be an asshole abt how its tactless to do that shit #but it makes me so angry that the competitive nature of eds can continue even after recovery #this isn't @ them (my roommate) but maybe uhh showing numbers and talking about how you were so much skinnier to try and get people to #recover is doing exactly the opposite of what you want #anyways idk if i should tell them like i dont want them to feel like they cant talk to me but #showing pictures and talking in detail about how your body used to feel/look like is just. god it feels awful #sol.txt

[brittapcrrys]

Shoutout to me and my stupid fucking brain, the PMDD, the general longterm depression and anxiety, the heightened/worsened symptoms of those 2 bc of the annual trigger of my impending birthday, and my general inability to understand or comprehend or Be Normal in a conversation with loved ones. We really did it this time

(Ps I am and will continue to be safe and fine I just. Had a rough hour. Over nothing. And am feeling a bit shit about it buti will sleep and face it tomorrow xx)

#oh also i have to snap and yell and cry at the ppl i care about until they feel as shit inside as i do #having an awful vocal outburst was shitty and u should atone later #but that doesnt reduce ur value or mean ur less deserving of life or healing etc. it just means...learn. try to do better. #kim speaks. #personal. #depression cw #anxiety cw #menstruation mention #its been a LONG TIME since i had such a bad like...idk its not a panic attack buts its an emotional overload that like #just takes over my mind completely for a short time so like all the depression lies and the anxiety what ifs just #start spewing out of my mouth like i actually believe them like theyre my typical thoughts and feelings and beliefs when theyre NOT #like even on an average Bad Day i know theyre not True or Helpful and yet!!!!!! that haze gets triggered by a fucking misperception yay me #annd its like this is it this is my reality these are the only truths #bc of course #so now i am in that lull where im still liable to cry at any second but also #very VERY aware and ashamed of what just happened and even tho i know WHY i spiralled out of control im still.responsible for what i said #so that just makes me feel like a rotting useless waste.of existence on top of the other low feelings which is. lol. fun. #at least im clearheaded enough to know its bullshit now. in a #could REALLY use a fuzzy pet to cuddle right now so ofc im also devastated abt the fact that the rabbits are NOT cuddly personalities

[29121996]

am at my limit

#idk what to fucking call it but this Thought Process ig #is fucking Irritsting bc Something has got to give i am . Fuckign . #like . idk what . i should do abt it but this is awful #n idk how to desl w it at all lol . #but dawg i am going thfough it n have been since like 9pm its great . truly. #i hate Everything. #i think im being Swallowed internally by my own shit n idk hos to stop it bc like . im Trying so hard to getnthtough thisnshit #butbits fucking awful everyyhing abt thisnis awful n its . im ngl it is killing me #and i cant just put it down. i cant . but dawg it feels Never ending !!!! does it ever end or am i forever going to be !!! #picking up !!! the pieces !!!! of myself bc !!!! some boy !!! couldnt get his shit together !!!!! #n took it out on me #n vice versa anyway its a snake eating its tail situation. i . #i just . i feel way too young to b dealing w this #side note oomf n i complaining abt our situations n her saying 'im too old to be dealing w this' vs my #'im too young for thus shit' vibe . yeah #anyway i gotta Stop treating this fucking app like an indepth midstop between my twt n diary #bullshit

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#looking at the notes ppl in the lab let me on my birthday card. it seems ppl think i should chill the fuck out lmao #a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head #sigh. i survived the day at least. the timed measurements r done on this experiment. thank christ. and my birthday gathering as so #i dont kno. it was kinda funny and kinda sad i guess. bc i knew it was gonna happen and i didnt want it to but i was like fine. ill meet #at 4. and i expected it to b in the conference room but they set up outside the lab around the corner. so they did kinda surprise me #location wise i guess. i cant imagine what expression i was making. it felt like a pained smile but idk. i had to go back to take #measurements every 4min so i was standing there with a plate full of ice creame cake. kinda away from everyone while they talked. staring #at my phone timer as it ticked down and abruptly leaving when i had to log a measurement. i was basically a non entity while there. which #was kinda idea bc i have too much hurt inside to talk to ppl right now. as evidence by my phone call with my parents when i got home. im #just kinda a bummer to exist around rn. idk maybe i should apologize to my boss bc i kno im not an easy person to do things for #and i really do appreciate the effort. its just hard when i kno how much stress its going to cause me for someone to attempt to do #something they think will b nice. so idk i just feel bad. but its over. and idk what ill do tomorrow. i should do stuff for when i move #like my dad was like: u should prioritize ur future stuff. and hes objectively right. they think i should get a studio apartment which #would b expensive as fuck but i will destroy myself if i have roommates. idk. theres lots still to do bc i have to get a ton of data #processed by the end of the week bc i have 8 days of measurement on another project that needs to get done by may 14th when i leave for #vacation. which my mom was like did u buy ur tickets for next month and i was like. hm how do i ask where im supposed to buy tickets to #without giving away that i dont kno what ur talking abt? bc apparently im going to a wedding? wtf do i wear to a wedding? #idk. i guess im just kinda sad bc this month has been really hard. i made it hard for no reason bc theres something wrong in my head and #that hurt has nowhere to go bc i cant even give anyone an honest account of how awful it was bc its like what r they gonna do abt it? #anything i say is just worrying bc i cant seem to stop myself who whats the point in talking abt it. but idk humans r social creatures so #when im in pain at least part of me wants someone to brush my hair and acknowledge my pain and tell me itll b ok #but idk. the idea of that happening is different from the reality where i seem to opperate at a different frequency to other people. we #just dont seem to properly connect. idk. idk what ill do tomorrow. im afraid to loosen my grip on my schedule bc i might fall to piece #pieces without the pressure. well see. lets home my 26th year is better than my 25th was. bc last year sucked #hope* lets hope that was my low point. bc that was not a fun time and im worry to take account of thr damage done #unrelated