#lmao im sorry if you had to read that sentence. this is how i cope ok | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mikyouknow · 3 years

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Please! Rewatch the quiz! I need something to remind me that that actually happened.

I still vividly remember that day. Going out on a chill bike ride with my two best friends for the first time in months. Sitting in the cool grass. Having a picknick. Not too hot out, nice weather. AND THEN I GET HOME TO THE ABSOLUTEL SHITSHOW THAT HAPPENED THAT DAY! Because what the HELL even was that, I still haven't processed anything. My mind keeps erasing that memory until some days the it just hits me square in the face and knocks me out 😀

So yeah! I would love it if you talked more about it, might help to cope a bit xD

Okay anon you motivated me, you were my Final push, I’m Doing it ! 🗣

Also I love that story tho you really have a Vivid memory connected to this whole thing and I’m living for it 😂 you were just having a nice day and then Boom, all this mess 💀

But aight so I’m Watching it rn and will be taking notes Live as I watch Here we go:

My first thoughts is, when Dream decides to do the quiz, he seems so like, confident? And then as soon as he reads the description, his voice falters at ‘and now things are changing’ and I’m Dead 💀 his confidence from two seconds prior in that moment goes like 📉 then cue flustered laugh lmao

“Do you ever catch yourself staring at your bff?” Dream’s flustered laugh and being all like “these questions are gonna be so weird” uhhhhh dude what are you expecting you’re taking a are you in love with your best friend quiz 💀

HES SO DEFENSIVE ON THIS ONE LIKE- he keeps wanting to make excuses aww drema aww 😭 it’s okay !! George is pretty we Understand you staring king 😌

Like legit that’s the first question and he’s already so flustered and- MY GOD GEORGE HASNT SAID A THING I JUST REALIZED WAIT HOLD ON I NEED TO GO BACK-

Two scoffs. That’s it 🧍‍♀️

GEORGE JSJWNSOWNEEJEN HES NOT SAYING ANYTHING IM DYING WHAT

Even when Dream first goes ‘aight imma take the am I in love w my best friend test’ George is SILENT 💀

Listen- listen, I’m having a moment over this cause I don’t remember him being silent from the start I thought it was like a slow descent into him just going silent eventually, BUT NO he’s just Silent from the moment the quiz is brought up 💀 but gives like a slight scoff when Dream’s voice wavered at “changing” like he’s very much Listening, just being So silent.

I just can’t wrap my head around how he doesn’t answer any of Dream’s comments, Dream keeps being like ‘right? Like that’s normal, right? Like that’s not weird. Right?’ And George is just SILENT 💀

“Do you get jealous if he or she has a bf or gf” LMAO THIS QUESTION MY BELOVED

His answer is so weird I will die on this hill.

ALSO GEORGE S P E A K S for the first time in the quiz 😭🗣 but not much, he says ‘but’, cause, yk, they both know he do get jealous so.

Which, again. Weird as hell. Imma say it, I’ve never felt jealous of my best friend getting a partner like what ???? W h a t

But ofc when they’re so clingy on each other, like a partner would take the others place because they pretty much have each other in that spot already, so it makes sense huh

And that’s not platonic btw I wanna make that clear LMAO

I think the points of which George laughs are interesting. And there’s something interesting to his laugh too. I don’t see his face lighting up with it, if that makes sense. It’s like a, I wouldn’t say ‘nervous’ laugh but, I struggle to find a better word for it 🤔

AYO MY MANS DREAM SAYS I DONT KNOW TO IF HE GETS BUTTERFLIES FROM GEORGE I- 💀

THATS NOT AN I DONT KNOW QUESTION KING

EITHER YOU DO OR YOU DONT AND YOU KNOW IF YOU DO OR DONT LIKE W H A T

I have to sit with this one for a second like . What ? 🧍‍♀️

Butterflies.

I’ve never. In my life. Like.

That’s not- you can’t say you don’t know- THAT MEANS LIKE-

Dear lord.

Aight I’m moving on (not actually imma be awake thinking about this later. Not by choice, absolutely not. This just won’t leave my brain unfortunately.)

Hang on. George says something here when Dream says ‘I have no idea’ but I can’t tell what he’s saying ? Like he mumbles something whilst Dream starts talking at the same time and I can’t make it out and I wanna know what he says 💀🗣

I Think he says ‘what do you mean you have no idea?’ Which like, YEAH, you Should question him on that king 🧍‍♀️ but it’s interesting how quiet he is, like he barely pushes the question, and this is like the second ?? Time he’s spoken so far. 🧍‍♀️

Also Listen to how flustered Dream sounds my god💀

This quiz never should’ve happened what’s Wrong with him like is he this blind ?? Did he Really think taking this quiz was gonna end well ?? 💀

“TecHniCally🥴”

“My future is your future”

I feel like we’ve talked abt these LMAO such Romantic phrasing my god

Again him going ‘right?’ And George is Dead Silent 💀

It’s interesting, like I’ve reached the ‘dreams’ question now, and it’s hitting now and throughout this quiz how, Dream is Loudly deflective, but George is silently deflective. If that makes sense? Like he’s choosing not to speak so his words can’t be thrown back at him cause he Knows if he speaks it’ll be obvious. Whilst Dream over explains and fucks himself over p much lmao. They’re both just a mess around this subject 💀

“How would You be in my dream” is such a funny sentence from George LMAO he’s so defensive 💀 like even I have had dreams abt Dream, like you’re his Best Friend, ofc you have dreams abt him my guy 💀 deflecting it is so weird. So Weird

“I’ve never hugged you” Sad hours 😔

It’s interesting here. Cause they speak abt the whole ‘do you go out of your way for this person’ and Dream is stuck on if he should say ‘more than anyone else I know’ or not. Which, there’s ofc observations to be had here as well.

But ! What I found interesting here was how George goes onto say ‘you made me pay you’ when Dream says he edited his video for him. And how George keeps the ‘lie’ going for a very short bit before laughing slightly, by god he sounds so.. different? Like when he usually makes little lies to troll or stuff like that, he’s much more extra and keeps the bit going and- idk how to explain it but the tone of his voice is usually way different. Here he seems to, idk, struggle to keep that up. His laugh is also just like, somewhat toneless?

LMAO The MOMENT Dream got the question ‘what do you think abt their laugh’ George’s laugh Stops. 💀

“Do you ever think abt what it would be like to Kiss your best friend?”

THE SILENCE

Also,

how Dream read ‘kiss’ 🤝 how Dream read ‘changing’

Some words hit this man different huh LMAO

“Why did that take you so long” on the kiss question, CALL HIM OUT GEORGE 🗣

HRKEJEKEEJEKJEEIEJ HOW ARE THOSE- SORRY WHAT DREAM ??

“HOW ARE THOSE THE ONLY OPTIONS” ???

God, for real, I wish Dream would get to sit down with someone one day who just Listened to him speak and allowed him to slip up and just sound so in love with George like give himself away simply because nobody is saying how weird he’s-

Hold on.

Wait. A minute.

George.

George is doing that LMAOOOO

Him sitting there silently and not responding to all his small questions abt what he Should answer and such, he’s so smart🧍‍♀️

AIGHT MOVING ON

George’s laugh keeps sounding very, like, strange😅

Anyways the way Dream Had to have a ‘yes’ answer to the kiss one will forever keep me up at night. Now along with the butterflies one🧍‍♀️

I rly wonder what options it is Dream is looking for when he says ‘none of these options’ so often. What is it you wanna say king ?

WHY IS THE BUTTERFLIES QUESTION TWICE AND WHY IS HIS ANSWER NOW DIFFERENT LMAO - drema it’s okay it’s Safe Space 🗣 I feel like he probably saw chat responding to his first answer and realized ‘oop, that’s not platonic’ and changed his answer LMAO 💀 he’s- Ahh hard to find the right words for my Thoughts here, but he’s doing that thing where he looks for others what is ‘normal’ instead of seeing what he feels, cause what He feels is, uh, well we all know what results he got at the end there,,

I mean the kiss question is all u need really. The butterflies one puts icing on the whole cake.

“Do you compare this person to others you’ve dated? Noo...” AIGHT AND THERE WE HAVE THE CHERRY ON TOP OF THE WHOLE THING

This was the one of the Most sus ones imo from when I first watched it. It had my head spin, head in hands for Days.

What do you MEAN you compare him to others you’ve dated? Why does he tell George to shut up, why do they both Know there’s a story there- I have so many questions on this and- this isn’t platonic 💀😭 AT ALL - and there’s no excuse or explanations for this one, they just Move On 💀

The Speed at which they move on 💀

And then George goes So silent 🧍‍♀️

Dream is cruising through the questions and George is so silent now. He was Stunned into silence from that shut up LMAO

I like how Dream picked ‘absolutely’ on being able to tell George everything :’)

So.

Why does George not say anything on the ‘do you think your best friend is in love with you’ question? No joke, no protest, no- no nothing?

That leaves us to fill in the blanks king, just saying🧍‍♀️

Why does Dream sound sarcastic when he says it’s a tough question LMAO

“I have no idea” aight good answer ig LMAO let’s Pretend

George’s silence is for real very sus there. Very. 🥴

Dream putting ‘no’ on thinking he’s in love, is Very funny and shows just how blind he is to himself.

He rly put ‘I don’t know’ for the butterflies one and found the nearest ‘yes’ option for the kiss one and then still put ‘no’ at the end - he’s a lost cause and owns no mirrors I see how it is. (/j btw lmao I have hope in drema ofc, he too can become more self aware one day<3)

“You are a little in love with your best friend” cue both of them laughing in just the weirdest ways. George just sounds absolutely toneless like, I don’t think he’s even smiling with that laugh, gaze absolutely dazed at what he’s being witness to, not even knowing what to do with himself in that moment. And Dream’s laugh is also just, weird?

“You don’t wanna ruin it, Dream.” Followed by Dream’s immediate, “oh what? It says-“ like immediately moving on lmao 💀 that “oh what?” Sounded like “oh what’s that there oh that’s rly weird wow let’s move on from what you just said ahem wow really weird thing over there” LMAO

“There’s a two percent chance there” LMAO

OH NO THE SILENCE WHAT

I THOUGHT I ACCIDENTALLY PAUSED THE VIDEO BUT THE SILENCE IS SO LONG AND SO LOUD

Then Dream going onto pretending like he’s gonna do another test As If he’s not been planning his escape excuse from the very moment he got those test results LMAO

And the silent pauses are taking me out 💀

‘I think we’re done’ HOW COULD HE LEAVE AT THAT POINT 💀💀💀

“COOL PODCAST” IM DEAD ON THE FLOOR

“WHY ARE YOU SO NOSY” DREAM I- WHY U SO DEFENSIVE GEORGE ASKING WHERE YOU’RE GOING IS A NORMAL THING TO ASK 💀YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S SUDDENLY LEAVING

NOT DREAM AWKWARDLY SINGING THE WIZARD OF OZ-

HE SOUNDS SO WEIRD-

The tone of his voice is so off my guy is so ready to leave and sit and stare at a wall whilst looping heatwaves for five hours 💀

:((((( drema my beloved :((((( it’s okay to be in love !!

Not him leaving- he full on ignored George’s ‘where are you going?’

He’s not going anywhere istg the moment he left that discord he put his head in his hands and just Stared 💀

Poor George 🥺

#aight those were my thoughts omg this got so long LMAO #I legit thought I’d have barely any notes going into this #and then I ended up having to pause every five seconds cause there was just So Much to unpack 🥴😭#so Many Thoughts #so anyways sry anon that this took me a moment lmaoo #but here’s just a whole analysis on the are u in love w your best friend quiz #I never did do one like a lot of others did after that stream #I needed five business days to process #that turned into months apparently LMAO #but now here they are: My Thoughts #long post #that read me option has never been more needed LMAO #dnf observer answers ask #dnf tings and rambles #dreamnotfound #my analysis #edit: I was gonna post this a few days ago but Stuff happened so am posting it now finally🗣

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imanes · 2 years

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Hi Imane! I hope youve had a great start of the new year! I have a question or rather id love your input! I want to buy smt for my friends bday and i was thinking a journal and a book maybe but idk which one exactly. I just found the jane austin 5 year journal but idkkkk. I had found a gorgeous journal but they dont ship to europe sadly 🥲She struggles a lot w anxiety so i thought maybe i could buy a book about that!? Do you have any idea abt what i could buy 😭♥️

Or like a wreck this journal kind of thing?? im so sorry for the second ask i just thought of this wjdjkdkdks

hi! first of all you're such a kind and considerate friend. secondly i feel your pain about gorgeous journals no longer shipping to europe like i almost had a meltdown when i discovered i couldn't order a papier journal LMAO.

ok for my input i personally wouldn't go for wreck this journal bc personally i find these types of journals that are full of suggestions and whatnot counter-intuitive also they're so ugly they don't even make me want to open it LMAO but that's just me tho. i think a book on help to cope with anxiety is a great idea if she is open to the concept of books that offer actionable steps to tackle personal problems. the key would be to find the right one and unfortunately i cannot help with this bc i don't really read self-help books 🤔 in a relatively same vein there's that "calm" app that could help? when i get stressed i like listening to a voice that's telling me how i can calm down lmao but if u have the budget u could offer her a subscription!

also for the 5 year journal thing i think it's a great idea! idk what the jane austen version exactly entails but there's something very fun about being able to look back on ur thoughts from several years ago and since it's only one sentence a day i feel like it doesn't require a lot of investment. at the end of the day u know ur friend best and i'm sure any gift u can get her will be greatly appreciated! the penguin Q&A 5 year journal also seems very fun and should be relatively easy to procure. personally i think both ideas are really good and have good practical uses :)

i too hope that u had a great start to ur year! <3

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cchocolatekat · 3 years

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fanfic rambles ft. chicken scratch

these are just some of my own thoughts about my first completed multi-chap fic!

feel free to read it, feel free to ignore. Not reading will not impact your fic-reading experience, reading it might make you notice more things/make you wonder “yo wtf is op’s mind ON” and I will have to reply “a lotta hamsters being injected with 90% angst concentrate with a side of circus music”

Proceed at your own discretion <3

background tidbits about secrets hidden in the chicken scratch:

originally was supposed to be a one-shot, ~3k (lmao I tried, and then the feral hamsters in my brain went NOPE)

og scenes were everything in chap 1, then gojo’s (sorta) breakdown and yuji’s comment in chap 3. EVERYTHING else was a result of me adding too much sprinkles of headcanons and “what can I do to make this fic hurt more >:D” ideas

whenever i write fluff i am spiritually making an expression of extreme pain; yall that shit is HARD. fluff writers, how do u do it??? I cant even write simple kisses; the extent of my abilities are gushy-mushy descriptions of hand-holding send help OTL (actually there was that one scene in chap 2 that went from fluff to lowkey thirsty and im just like ???? how did i get here confused.gif)

may or may not have accidentally slipped into haibaraxnanami hell... when I was first making additional scenes, I wanted something to show the kouhais realizing Gojo was never quite easy to interact with, that having Geto made communicating easier (lol my hand slipped hard and oOps half of chap 2 was given to them and I am not sorry)

love heavy foreshadowing of death...also nanami being scared of making promises...*chefs kiss*

Geto being the one sent to rescue them was purely headcanon and rather last minute; in the manga we only see him being in the morgue with nanami, but it stood out to me--why wasn’t gojo there?

Shoko is a GIFT so where’s all the platonic friendships fics huh??? (sigh gotta make what I wanna eat TTATT)

she will always be a part of their story--i will die fighting for this lmao

on that note, the pinky promise came out of nowhere. it wasn’t even an aha moment; my hands moved by themselves that day I kid you not

One of my favorite scenes is Nanami telling Gojo he is leaving. They are both so broken by the absence of their partner, and those rough edges would clash in the most tragic way possible without either realizing it. Gojo’s forced admittance that he was the strongest was an absolute delight to unleash >:D (sadkjsaas if we ever get a manga scene i will honestly cry)

tagging is a mess and i changed it like 5 times...i wasn’t too explicit or graphic (I don’t think??) so hopefully whatever I tagged covered everything ^^”

Angsty Easter Eggs that people might cry to me about:

chap titles (lol go take a look at the sentence they form! im really proud of this uwu)

geto’s coping mechanism/side hobby being origami (I swear it’s not me salty about getting papercuts)

it’s cuz i needed some sort of dragonfly motif in this piece (lmao if you know why, you know why) and origami was the best way to do it...plus arts and crafts IS a good therapeutic way to destress, dr.shoko approved! 😤 😤

origami from chap 2>shoko finds it (or did she =w=)>gojo

the test

The cleaner turns back and removes something framed on the wall. It is something strikingly familiar, but Gojo does not have the energy to remember why. (chap 2)

Chap 3 had a flashback about Gojo scoring lower than Geto and then Geto commenting he will frame his test on his ways--he does go through with it!

Geto’s death

Shit, I still need to update Shoko. (chap 3)

Headcanon territory but there’s something in the way vol0 played out that makes me think Gojo sort of knew?? that it was it for Geto?? Sorta like he knew going in that he was going to have to fight to kill, so it makes sense that he would tell Shoko before hand (ahem again, me pushing forward my sss trio friendship agenda)

#jjk #satosugu #gojo satoru #geto suguru #fanfic #fanfic rambles #this is probably not the extent of all the easter eggs but tbh i cant really remember anymore...lmao short term memory oopsies #me writing satosugu is basically dumping all my angst salt into the cooking pot and shimmering for a few months #if i had an easier time writing fluff i wonder if my fics would be more sweet and more happy endings TTvTT #buT at the end of the day it all balances out bc my fics are angst af but my ART is usually pretty crack :>>#or so i say as i consider drawing some angsTY nanabaras lmao #secrets hidden in the chicken scratch #It would be neat if I can come back in a few years and read the thoughts of me-who-just-finished >:3 #jjk spoilers #this is very much a self indulgent post but if any of my readers actually read thru all this i hope you have a fantastic weekend ;>

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swampgallows · 7 years

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so many people are leaving my work... i have to inform them,,,,,,,,,,,,, still. my bosses have been on like their i dunno eighth vacation of the year so they havent been around, i dunno why theyre attempting to run such a tight ship. shit is boring like.... its boring... its ...boring......................

how you cgonna specify college graduates for retail then get mad when we seek mental stimulation im literally going insnae listening to music boxes all day and interacting with no one for like a solid hour, not allowed to sit down, how do you think i wrote 30k words of a shtity fanfic while at work... how do you think ive read like 15 books while on the clock.... how is it we all excuse each other for extensive ‘bathroom breaks’ just to walk around a bit and get some kind of mental refreshemnt.... how do you think ive been thrown into full-blown panic attacks from extremely minute stimuli.....shit is boring and nothing happens and my mind is constantly “wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”

my hours are all the fuck over the place,i worked overtime this week even though i was sick twice, i even worked that EVENT this week (WHICH FEELS LIKE A MONTH AGO, IT WAS ONLY 5 DAYS AGO, THAT IS HOW INTERMINABLE THIS WEEK HAS BEEN)

i fuckin... its... 2am and i ahve to get up in lik3 5 hours to be at work again at 10am... 10 to 7, backup backup reg, doin NOTHING “but we’re short-staffed” where??? we climb all over each other to straighten a single stack of books, we jump at the opportunity to fold a t-shirt or wrap a mug, like, where are we short staffed lmao we even had ‘greeters’ today and we were down 3 people

I DID “BREAKS” TODAY AT 11AM, AND THEN AT 7PM. WHAT DID I DO FOR THOSE 6 HOURS IN BETWEEN? I COULDNT FUCKIN TELL YA. I ATE A LOT OF CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES AND FUCKED OFF IN THE LOUNGE AND NOBODY KNEW I WAS MISSING AND NOBODY WAS AFFECTED BY MY ABSENCE. COOKIES. ON THE CLOCK. TIL 9 FUCKIN PM

ISNT IT IMPORTANT THAT I HAVE A DEGREE??? TO EAT COOKIES??? TO COPE???

glugl gluglug glug lgulg glug glugl glug glug

i saw a Couple today that made me think about how one time i was a Couple and it feels like a different lifetime. yeahhh, yeahh even though im nervous i think it’s t-t-t-t-time. it been 2 years, fertt spinehewer says "General rule of thumb now is to work hard and toil for 2 years. If you don't see a decent raise/promotion, it's time to look elsewhere upwards.” hes a bit emotionally stale, even for an orc boy, but it’s still good. he has good work ethic

i toiled as much as one can in this kinda position; if i toil too hard it ‘looks bad’. lmao but ive kept my cool, ive taken shit, ive gargled customers’ piss with grit teeth (sorry thats.... i dunno, It Be Like That Sometimes), i have had panic attacks so bad in public ive come close to pissing myself at my job because i cannot be removed from the offending stimulus in time and im trying desperately not to scream

i was talking w a coworker who just put in her two weeks, speaking of piss, because apparently my bosses are hounding her (and have been for like 2 months) about her bathroom breaks, which we ALL take, some of us (me) much MUCH longer than others, yet she’s the one getting shit for it, which is so fucking weird to me. my boss legit asked her “what are you doing in there?” PISSING, DUDE? WE TALK TO PEOPLE WE GET THIRSTY WE GOTTA PISS WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM i dunno but uh a child wandered into the store and his parents up and grabbed him, he must have been special needs, he started howling just...an absolute tortured scream, it stopped me in my tracks and mid-sentence and my coworker said i “went white”, like she saw my visceral-ass PANIC MODE reaction and i IMMEDIATELY started grounding myself, tapping fingertips, like, shuddering breath, it’s insane how potent the trigger was. the child sounded like he was being gored. i couldnt take it, it was too strong, i became afraid, i became a child. i became THAT child. sensory overload was creepign up but i think my recent pon farr week has blown all of that out of the water for a while that iw as able to get it undr control, it was small ptoatoes compared to this fuckin GAUNTLET this hell week has been.

I BECAME THAT CHILD and i feared for my LIFE, akin to when i was watching the babadook. LOL TRIGGEREDD!! LE TRIGGERED!!!

i cant even imagine the scream now, i cant even remember it, it shot with such white-hot immediacy into the center of my brain that it was barely a sound, it was just a concentrated trauma bullet

they were pulling him out by his arms and he was kicking his legs. he had been in the other building earlier but that one just sounded like a typical child-scream of ‘i dont wanna go!’ or ‘i need a nap’. but this was... like tearing of ffingernails type screaming. like ‘january scratched repeatedly by 400 the cat’ screaming. it was too mcuh and i was really freaking out

still dont want to sleep

cant believe all weve got are humans. there are so many humans in the world. why

#blathering

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elsewhereuniversity · 7 years

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continuation of the ODSS-1b fig newton story

the person who sent in those other asks was totally right so ive continued my earlier story some to reflect that. i might write more in this same vein? im not sure. this is sorta… idk, it’s not the Best thing but it sure is a thing, and at least i remembered to save it this time lmao

—

The first time you notice them is probably a Thursday. You’re just guessing, though; you’ve been in the library for a long time. They’re in the psychology section, which intrigues you, so you walk up behind them silently. They have their index finger on the spine of a book titled “Dissociative Disorders: a Guide” which you’ve read and don’t like, so you tell them so,

“That one doesn’t have reliable sources and contains lots of misinformation.”

They flinch, and drop the other books they’re carrying. As they bend down and scrabble to pick them up, they also duck their head, hiding behind a thick curtain of dark hair.

“Oh, sorry,” you say, and kneel down to help them. Oops. You hope they never think to call that in. You’ve been here for practically Ever, you should have this down by now.

“I’ve got it,” they say suddenly, severely, almost sounding scared.

You catch a glimpse of a tattered notebook before it disappears behind a Chemistry textbook. When they’ve finished gathering their stuff back up, they don’t look at you, but still ask,

“Um… How do you know the book is bad?”

“I’ve read it,” you tell them, “and I was in a position where I needed accurate information, and it lead me to Make a Deal that maybe wasn’t the best choice.”

They look up at you then, dark eyes striking and intense, and say,

“You made a deal based on the information in a book on dissociative disorders.”

It’s not quite a question, but you nod anyway. You narrow your eyes at them, and they dip their head to let their hair cover the left side of their face back up. They’re still looking at you with the other eye, and you’re beginning to suspect they’re in a similar situation to where you were upon arriving at Elsewhere University. They’re a freshman; you can tell because a copy of the orientation brochure is sticking out of their Chemistry textbook.

“I can recommend a better book if this is for a class project…?” you let your voice tilt up at the end of your sentence to make it into a question, and they hesitate, before shaking their head.

“It’s maybe a little bit personal.”

You nod, because that’s what you thought.

“In that case, I can provide you with some information on the way all this works.”

You’re being deliberately vague, because you don’t want to spook them if they could use your help, and because if they’re a neurotypical looking for shit to dramatise, you aren’t in the mood for bigotry. They still hesitate, and you remember to add,

“Freely given.”

You don’t know how much they know about common practices on campus, but they’ve probably been advised on accepting favours that aren’t freely given, because they nod. You hold out a hand.

“Follow me?”

They chew on their lower lip, and look at your hand for a long moment, then look up at you and nod. You let your hand fall back down to your side and turn on your heel.

“You may’ve noticed that the library does weird things to your sense of time,” you say, as you walk down the aisle, glancing over your shoulder to check if they’re still following you.

“Yes,” they say, “just, it’s hard to tell if that was… Well, usually it’s my own fault. Are you saying–”

“That it’s the library doing that? Yeah.”

They breathe out a sigh of relief, and start to say,

“So can I assume–”

“Not yet,” you tell them, “it’s not safe to talk about secrets in open areas of the library.”

The rest of the walk to your office is silent. You open the door and let them enter first, and then shut it. They flinch at the click of the latch, and you ask them,

“Do you need this open? I’ve got a salt border under the carpet so it should be okay, I usually only close it for the sake of my various, ah… Brain Quirks.”

They don’t respond, but you’re pretty sure just by looking that the answer is yes, so you open it about a third of the way and then walk around your desk to sit down. You indicate the chair across from you and offer them a Fig Newton, “freely given,” which they decline. They sit down.

“First things first, you can withdraw from this conversation at any time for any reason without explaining yourself, alright? Your well-being should be your first priority, since, if I’m reading the situation correctly, we’re about to discuss some heavy things.”

“Heavy like your chain?”

You look down at your trauma, which you’ve taken to hanging things off of, like a six-pack of coke, with three sodas hanging off one side and three on the other.

“Yeah, that’s… heh, it’s actually my trauma made tangible, so sorta like that.”

They might raise an eyebrow; you can’t tell, because their hair is still all in their face.

“That’s… hardcore.”

You nod, and pop a coke out of the six-ringed plastic doodad, leaving five hanging off the chain. You flick the top before you open it, which is supposed to keep it from spraying everywhere, but you doubt it would stop one of Them from messing with you. The soda doesn’t spray, though, so you count yourself lucky this time.

“I suppose. I don’t know how obvious it is, but I’m not so great yet at being one person, and lately I’ve been trying more creative ways of coping with it. I painted it a few weeks ago,” you just made up that length of time, you have no idea how long it actually was, “but… it didn’t help, it was a bit too much like pretending it wasn’t trauma.

They sort of shy away at your mention of being one person, and, because talking a lot is one of your personality traits (and the thing you cling to when you’re dissociating, to the chagrin of many students in the library), you say,

“You don’t ever have to integrate, though, it should always be a personal choice, which is why that book back there isn’t good. It talks about it like it should be a goal for every system, which just isn’t realistic, and– sorry, I’m rambling.” Dammit, you need to stop apologising. They don’t respond, which leads you to believe they’ve noticed every damn time you say sorry, and they probably plan to use it if you ever try to hurt them. You don’t blame them, honestly; as a freshman with a stigmatised mental disorder, they need every advantage they can get.

You spin around in your chair and pick a drawer of your file cabinet at random. The thing you’re looking for will probably be in there. At this point, you aren’t consciously aware of the locations of most of your things, but since time hasn’t actually passed nearly as much as it feels like, some part of you still knows where it all is.

And yep, here it is, the schedule you drew for yourself sophomore year, once you realised winging it wasn’t going to work out. You put it on the desk and slide it over to them.

“So I recommend making one of these, if you haven’t already. Those are my alters, from when I wasn’t completely me, we split up classes, Georgie took Humanities related stuff, Cotink did the mandatory math class, that sort of thing.”

They nod.

“I’ve got one. Sort of. It’s hard to enforce. And I have a question?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s something happening here that’s really big, isn’t there, something that doesn’t follow science, something I’m missing. What is it?”

You grin, and temple your fingers as you lean forwards and tell them,

“Fairies.”

They’re silent for a long moment. Then:

“Ah. And… do these fairies grant favours, or…”

“You have to have something they want. There’s one behind the freshman dorms that likes fig newtons and is really good at getting Names back, for instance. That’s the one I made my deal with.”

“The obsession with names is something I don’t understand.”

“If someone has your true name, they have power over you. We started going by the name we had chosen for when we integrated, which was a bad thing for multiple reasons. I hope you didn’t choose a Name that belongs to any of you?”

They shake their head.

“I’m Fish, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Ozzie. Like osmium, since it’s the densest element and the guy I dated the month after my trauma draped itself across me was a chemistry major who liked puns.”

You think you see a smirk behind their hair, but you aren’t sure.

“And the salt and iron?”

“Fairies can’t touch either of them. They avoid me for obvious reasons. They might avoid anyone who has trauma, but I’ve got no way to test it, and it seems unlikely, honestly.”

Fish nods, and then checks their watch.

“Um, I should probably go? I don’t know, my watch is acting up.”

“Time passes differently in the library,” you reply, and grin at them as they stand and walk through the door. Then you chug your coke, because you forgot about it and don’t want it to go to waste. Good talk.

#stories #OOOOH #clickclick4 #submission

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