#money is no longer a worry. yesterday they fucked up and i couldn’t donate but i got paid $50 per needle they stuck in me anyway

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 13*

Did I inadvertently make Sonny a supervillain? Maybe.

Chapter 12

Chapter 14

HAHAHA SOOOOO funny story....if you saw the "preview" post, turns out I didn't even get that far written down. My bad!

I really did want to, and I was almost there, but it's gotta go to fifteen and too much story in chapters won't leave enough to stretch! I'm sorry!!!

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

-----

Meanwhile

At the hospital Sonny walked into your room where you were talking with the doctor. The doctor acknowledged Sonny when he came in.

“As I was telling Miss Y/L/N, she unfortunately is going to need a liver transplant,” He looked at both of you grimly. “And unfortunately because of her years of alcohol abuse and history with addiction, she won't be that high on the transplant list. I'm uncertain if she'll even get one,”

“Oh god…” Sonny whispered, looking at you. You had tears in your eyes, still in shock over what the doctor was actually saying. Your brain couldn't really process it; and even if it could, you weren't really sure that you cared if you lived or died at this point seeing as you lost the one good thing in your life.

“Is there any way that I could donate part of my liver?” Sonny asked.

“Well that's what I was going to talk to you about Mr. Carisi,” the doctor said. “If you have any friends or family members that you think would be a good match and would like to get tested to donate their liver; I would suggest doing so as soon as possible. Usually immediate family members are the best match,”

“Yeah of course,” Sonny nodded. But in his mind he was thinking he didn't know if he could convince any of his and your family members to donate part of their liver. Changing their lives completely for a girl that had been nothing but trouble since she came to live with them. He could at least get tested though.

He walked over to you as the doctor walked out and held your hand. “How are you doing sunshine?” He asked.

“I.. I think I need a minute to process all of this, Sonny. Can you please...leave me alone?” you said softly, trying not to cry.

“Yeah sure, whatever you want,” He nodded softly and walked out of the room.

He instantly felt the guilt in remembering what he had told Rafael yesterday. He did promise him that if something went wrong with you he would call him but he also didn't want him to get any closer. But his guilt overruled his worry, so he texted him:

“Y/N is going to need a liver transplant, if you want to get tested,”.

------------

Rafael immediately showed up at the hospital where Sonny met him in the waiting room.

“Where is she?” Rafael was practically huffing and puffing, he ran so fast when he got Sonny’s text.

“Hey, slow your roll there counselor,” Sonny put a hand up. “I just asked you to come down here and get tested to see if you wanted to donate to her,”

“For what? To prove how much I care about her to you? Is that some kind of test?” Rafael clenched his fists.

“Maybe.. I don't know... I was just desperate Rafael, okay? And I promised you I would,” Sonny yelled.

“Okay well I want to see her first," Rafael demanded.

“No way,” Sonny protested. “First you get tested. And then if you’re a match, I'll let you see her,”

“What?” Rafael blinked. “You’re insane--”

“So you're just gonna refuse to potentially save my cousin’s life, just because I won't let her see you. Is that really loving her at all?” Sonny pointed out

“...All right, show me where to go,” he sighed, defeated. Rafael hated that he was right, but he was. After a few minutes Rafael was done getting his blood work and he returned to the waiting room where Sonny was.

“Have you gotten tested yet?” Rafael asked.

“Obviously, I was the first one to do it, Barba.” Sonny replied in an obvious tone.

“And…?”

“...And I'm not a match,'' he sighed.

“And the rest of your family?” Rafael asked.

“....Most of them haven't gotten back to me yet,” Sonny admitted in a small voice.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Rafael asked, astonished.

“Well I mean...I told you my family's history with Y/N,” Sonny rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“But she's dying!” Rafael practically screamed. “You're telling me not one person in your family has a fucking heart to at least try and help their niece/cousin out when they're dying?!”

“Look you have no room to judge my family, okay Barba?!” Sonny argued back. “You don’t know what we’ve all been through--”

“What YOU’VE been through?!” Rafael was now full out screaming, he was livid. “God the whole Carisi clan is a bunch of martyrs, aren’t they? Everything happens to them, they never do anything wrong,”

“Hey FUCK OFF, Barba,” Sonny shoved Rafael, getting heated himself. If there was one thing you didn’t do, it was to insult his family.

“Whatever,” Rafael calmed himself, looking around at the shocked spectators. “How long does it take to find out if you're a match or not?

“Actually just like a few minutes they run it through a computer and see if your blood type matches up with hers.” Sonny answered softly, hoping the onlookers would go back to their business. As if on cue the doctor returns to the waiting room with a piece of paper.

“Well Mr. Barba, it looks like you're a perfect match to Y/N’s blood type,” He smiled as he handed Rafael the piece of paper.

“As if there was any doubt,” Rafael smiled as he read the results. He knew you were a perfect match from the moment you met, now he had physical proof of it.

“Great…” Sonny muttered.

“Alright, so here’s your proof,” Rafael presented the paper to Sonny. “We are perfectly matched. Now let me see her,”

“...Nah I still think you need to actually do it, Barba,” Sonny denied him again.

“Excuse me?” Rafael was absolutely floored. He couldn’t believe Sonny was making him jump through this many hoops just to see you. He knew he was against you being together, but this was above and beyond.

“Look Barba, we don’t know if Y/N’s body is gonna take to your liver. And she could die on the table. There are so many more moving parts and I don’t want you to start getting your hopes up or getting closer to her and then she dies on you. And-- And I don’t want her to get closer to you if she’s dying because then she’ll just be angry at God.”

“You’re fucking delusional you know that Carisi?” Rafael spat. “This isn’t about sparing my feelings, or even Y/N’s. It’s about you, and what you want to do. And you want to keep us apart-- and I’ll bet money it’s not for all the ‘noble’ reasons you proclaim either,”

“Oh for Christ’s sake Barba,” Sonny laughed. “You cannot possibly think this is just because of some crush I have on you--”

“Oh I absolutely do, Carisi,” He stepped towards him. Sonny was substantially taller than Rafael, but he intimidated Sonny nonetheless with his aggressive stance and personality.

“Well it’s not,” Sonny stepped forward as well, towering over Rafael this time. “And regardless of the reason, you’re still getting anywhere near her until I say so,” He had never stood up to Rafael like this, and Rafael didn’t like it.

“...I’m only doing this for her, know that,” Rafael growled as he went to set up an operation time.

-------------

Meanwhile, Sonny went to tell you the good news. He practically sprinted down the hall and swung your door open with a huge happy smile.

“What in God’s name did they give you, and where can I get one?” You teased him.

“Guess what Sunshine,” He beamed at you. [pun intended]

“What’s that?”

“Turns out I’m a match for you!” He threw his arms around you. “Thank God, I was so scared I was gonna lose you,”

“Oh, really?” You gave him a small smile. “That’s great,”

“Y’know you don’t sound as excited as a person who just found out they’re NOT dying, Sunshine!”

“Oh no,” You nodded while trying to smile wider. “I’m ecstatic,”

“Well good, because I kinda like you and want to keep you around a little longer,” He put you in a soft headlock and noogie’d your hair.

“Ha ha,” You rolled your eyes with a smile. “So, are you gonna go set this whole thing up or what?”

“Oh yeah,” Sonny remembered Rafael was still in the vicinity. “Yeah of course Sunshine, I’ll go tell the doctor now, yeah?” He started to get up off your bed.

“Sonny,” You put a hand on him before he stood up.

“Yeah, Sunshine?”

“Have you..” You picked nervously at your blanket. “Um, have you...talked to Rafael?”

“Ah,” Sonny felt a pang of guilt, knowing at that very moment Rafael was signing his liver away to save your life, and you thought he didn’t think twice about you.

“Actually, no,” He lied. “He’s been wrapped up in this huge court case, he’s basically been out of touch to anyone,”

“Oh,” You answered softly. “Well, maybe when I--”

“Oh did I tell you?” Sonny interjected. “I found this great place up state for after you’re healed a bit more. You’re gonna love it. It’s lush, and the scenery is--”

“I-I’m sorry, what?” You blinked. “After I’m healed?”

“Well, yeah,” Sonny replied. “Y’know, I know what I said before but I think we both know you need to--”

“Go away,” You finished his sentence in a monotone.

“...Yeah,” He nodded.

“But--” You looked up at him. “Y-You want to send me to Upstate New York?”

“Well, Sunshine it’s this very nice--”

“I thought you’d maybe send me to Village Care, or Mountainside, some little 30 day treatment center Sonny,” You began to get upset the more you thought about being sent away so far. “Not fucking upstate New York!!!”

“Hey, it’s one of the best in the country, Y/N,” Sonny became serious. “You’re damn lucky I got you in, and so quickly too!”

“Oh gee, thanks so much Sonny,” You crossed your arms. “Thanks so much for jumping at the chance to get me as far away from you as possible,”

“It’s not away from me, it’s away from--!” Sonny caught himself, but you had already heard it.

“...Away from who?” Your eyes narrowed.

“Away from-- all of this, Sunshine,” He tried to change the subject.

“You’re a fucking liar,” you scowled.

“HEY,” Sonny bellowed. “Don’t use that language with me, young lady,”

“Oh good God,” You rolled your eyes. “It’s Rafael, isn’t it?” You didn’t let up.

Sonny tried to think of anyone else, but he couldn’t. Luckily, he thought of something better.

“Yeah, Sunshine,” He lowered his voice. “You need to get away from him so that you can get over this little-- thing you have for him,”

“Why?” Your eyes narrowed.

“Because he doesn’t love you!” He cried. “Because you freaked him out with your little stunt!”

“I don’t believe you,” Your voice filled with dread.

“You don’t believe me?” Sonny laughed. “Y/N did you know his dad died from drinking? In front of him?” He really wasn’t sure about that, but he’d say what he needed to sell this.

“...He didn’t say that he died,” You said softly.

“Well, he did. And you basically died in his arms, that brought all of it back up. And it fucking traumatized him,”

“No…” You shook your head. That couldn't be true. You could not have caused him that much pain-- god what was wrong with you?!

“You wanna know why he’s been so out of touch?” Sonny continued. “Because he’s been so upset he had to drown himself in work to cope with what you did to him!”

“...I…” Tears welled up in your eyes as the guilt began to eat you alive.

“Look, Sunshine,” He lowered his voice and sat back down on the bed.

“I don’t mean to throw so much tough love at ya, but-- he’s still my good friend, and you hurt him. I know you didn’t mean to, and I know you got hurt too. So, I just think that it’s better for all of us if you just--”

“Get as far away from here as possible,”

“I mean, I wouldn’t say it like that,” Sonny tried to be positive. “Just, you need to go to the best place that will help you heal-- your body and your heart,”

“....Yeah, I guess you’re right,” You nodded, wiping tears from your face.

“Good,” He kissed your forehead and stood up, heading to the door. “Now get some rest, I’ll see if we can get this over and done with by tomorrow, I don’t want you staying in this place more than you have to,”

“Thanks Sonny,” You gave him a genuine smile. “You’re a good cousin,”

"I try," He smiled and blew you a kiss before walking out the door.

------------------

Sonny raced down the hall to the surgeon’s office where Rafael was finishing filling out paperwork.

“So, did you tell her?” Rafael asked.

“Tell her what?”

“Did you tell her I’m saving her life and I’ll see her in a few days?”

“Oh,” Sonny felt sweat on his forehead. “Yeah, totally. She’s excited,”

“So why hasn’t she texted me?”

“Oh her phone died,” Sonny lied. “I actually have to run and get her a charger, you can come with me,”

“Of course I can…” Rafael rolled his eyes sarcastically. “The surgery’s early tomorrow morning, I put off my court dates until the end of next week, that should give us both enough time to heal,”

“Sounds good,” Sonny shot him a thumbs up.

“And you are gonna let me see her after all of these fucking hoops, right Carisi?”

“Yeah, of course Barba,” He laughed nervously. “I’m not a monster,”

“Good boy,” Rafael patted him on the head like his puppy.

Sonny wanted to rip that smug little smile off Rafael’s face, but knowing he was going to have the rug pulled out from under him was enough for him.

--------------

The next morning

The surgery nurse came in around 4 am, way too cheerful for that god awful hour.

“Hello dear!” She smiled brightly as you while you moaned and groaned. “I’ve come to prep you for surgery,”

“...Where’s my cousin?” You asked groggily.

“Uh, I’m not sure…” She shook her head while she injected something into your IV. Then she helped you maneuver with all your wires and contraptions to the wheeled bed which take you to the OR.

“...What the hell did you just give me?” You rubbed your eyes sleepily.

“Oh it’s the pre-anesthesia,” She explained. “The girls and I call it ‘giggle juice’,”

“...Like alcohol?” Your eyes widened.

“No, no dear calm yourself,” The nurse assured you. “It’s some medicine that will make you loopy, you won’t remember a thing I promise you,”

“Mmm..kay…” You blinked several times, feeling the drug take affect. Everything quickly went fuzzy, and you felt nice and warm. You realized that you were being wheeled down the hall now, with heated blankets on top of you. You felt like a cozy little burrito, safe in a tortilla.

You felt yourself being rolled into an OR, many masked people were there to greet you. They all had smile eyes behind their masks, they made you feel as safe as possible. Then, they rolled you next to...Rafael?

“....R-Raff---?” You could barely speak from the meds, but your eyes lit up at the sight of him.

“Hey…” He mumbled dreamily, his green eyes sparkling at you. Clearly he had some ‘giggle juice’ of his own.

“I--I don’t…” You shook your head, trying to grasp what was happening. Wasn’t Sonny supposed to be the one laying next to you? Was this Sonny and you were just seeing Rafael’s face?

“Hey hey hey shh,” Rafael shook his head softly and reached out for your hand. You poked it out through the burrito blanket and took his-- it was real. He was really there. He was giving you his liver, to save your life.

“I love you, Y/N,” He smiled the biggest smile you’d ever seen on a human.

“...Really?” You bit your lip with your own huge smile. You prayed to God this was NOT a drug induced dream. “I love you too,”

“Alright you two lovebirds,” You heard the surgeon chuckle. “There will be time enough for this after you’re sharing a liver,”

Wait. This means Sonny lied to you. Was he lying about everything? Was he lying when he said Rafael wanted a clean break? Was Sonny just trying to keep you two apart?

All of your realizations and questions were quickly silenced by the gas mask going over your face.

“Now count down from ten, dear,” The anesthesiologist instructed you. You wanted to say no, that you had to talk to Rafael before all of this happened. But you glanced over to see he was already out, and soon you were too.

--------------------

The next thing you knew you were waking up in a recovery room with a huge window. The sun was streaming in and welcoming you back to the world. You looked down to see a huge incision sewn up by several stitches with clear gauze and tape holding it together. It didn’t hurt yet, but you figured you were still on a lot of pain meds. You wondered how Sonny was doing, if the surgery went well for him too. Soon a nurse came into check on you.

“Well dear, how are we feeling?”

“Ah good,” You smiled weakly. “I guess as good as I can anyway,”

“Oh of course,” She nodded sweetly as she changed your bandages and replaced your fluids.

“Do you know how my cousin’s doing?” You asked her, causing her to furrow her eyebrows.

“Your cousin?” She repeated. “Well dear, I’m sure he’s fine. He hasn’t gotten here yet, probably the morning rush hour traffic,”

“...What?” Now you were the one to furrow your eyebrows. “What do you mean he’s not here? Didn’t he--”

“Oh, look at that,” The nurse quickly finished switching the IV’s and looked at her tablet. “I’m late for my rounds. You rest up sweetie and I’ll come back tonight to get you ready to leave,”

“Rest up?” You repeated softly to yourself as she walked out of the room. “Leave?”

What did any of that mean? And why wasn’t Sonny already at the hospital? Didn’t he have surgery as well? They would have had to already have done it, right? Otherwise whose liver was inside you right now?! You had so many more questions, but apparently Nurse Ratchet gave you some morphine to knock you out until later that evening.

------------

Rafael woke up groggily in his hospital room, already in pain. He looked down to see an incision covered in gauze and tape. He looked next to him to see Sonny smiling sadly at him.

“...Oh god,” Rafael began to panic. “What happened?”

“What? Nothing, you’re great. Y/N is great,”

“Good,” He took a sigh of relief. “So when can I see her?”

“Yeah, here’s the thing Barba…”

“Oh no,” Rafael shook his head violently. “No no no no NO, Carisi. You said--”

“I know what I said, Barba,” He nodded. “But see the thing is, the place that I got Y/N too, it’s not only a rehab but it’s a hospital too. And they fill up super fast. So y’know I had to jump at the opening,”

“....What does that even mean, Carisi?” Rafael's eyes narrowed.

“....It means they already took her up there, so she could recover from the surgery and go right into rehab,” He lied. Well, it wasn't a complete lie. You were going to leave in a few hours, after he came and got you of course.

“You son of a bitch!!” Rafael tried to lunge at him from the bed, but his incision began to pull and shot pain through his entire body. He spasmed and fell back into the bed.

“Who whoa whoa there Barba,” Sonny tried easing him down as if he was a bull or a horse. “You’re gonna pop those stitches,”

“You knew you were going to send her away before I could say goodbye, didn’t you?” He glared at Sonny. “You knew this whole time you were never going to let me see her again. I gave her part of my liver!”

“And you saved her life, and I thank you for that Barba. I really do. And that should make you happy, right? The love of your life is going to live a long, happy life because of you,”

“Without me,” He added angrily.

“Well hey now,” Sonny clicked his tongue. “Never say never. Y’know when she’s completely over all of this, and you, maybe someday she’ll make her way back to the city and you guys can have your little weird friendship again, yeah?”

“Why are you doing this to her? To us?” His voice was more sad now, pitiful.

“I’m doing this for her, Barba. Please try and understand that,” Sonny shook his head as he walked towards the door.

“You’ll never get away with this, Carisi! I’ll find her,”

“Damn Barba I’m not a supervillain, cool your jets,”

“Could’ve fooled me,”

“HEY,” Sonny warned. “What I’m doing is for the greater good,”

“Said every supervillain ever,”

"Hurtful, Barba," Sonny put a hand to his chest. "Feel better, yeah?"

Rafael flipped him the bird as he walked out of the room, the door shutting behind him. He searched frantically around his bed for his phone, he had to google Hospital Rehabs, he had to find you.

He would find you, he wouldn't stop until he did.

#rafael barba #rafael barba angst #rafael barba x you #rafael barba fanfiction #law and order svu fanfiction #sonny carisi #sonny carisi fanfiction #sonny carisi imagine #rafael barba x reader #weird secret friends

[thethoughtsfromthreeam]

Monument Woman

Pairing: Marcus Pike x OC (Rosemary Carter)

Warnings: None

A/N: God, I have been wanting to finish this story for weeks, but once we got out of quarantine, I lost all ambition to write.  So, I’m glad I finally have enough of a cushion to get part 1 out to you guys.  I won’t be following my old posting schedule, but I hope I don’t go so far between posts that you all forget about me!

Reminder: I ain’t ever seen Pedro Pascal in FUCK ALL, I’m just coming up with this as I go along, using imdb.com, wiki, and 84,000 tabs I got open to plan out this shit.  I also write soft versions of his characters so if you’re craving asshole vibes, I ain’t got any but my own to offer.

Tag List:

@zeldasayer , @romanticgumchewer, @beskars , @coolmaybelateruniverse , @the-feckless-wonder , @pascalisthepunkest , @mandoandyodito , @randomness501 , @fioccodineveautunnale  , @ahopelessromanticwritersworld [please message me to be added or subtracted]

Part 1 – And So We Begin 

“Thank you for calling Fort Jamison Historical Museum, this is Rosemary. How can I help you?”  The jaunty-sounding phrase rolled off her tongue automatically with little thought behind it until she heard the wizened chuckle on the other end.

“Do you always answer your cell phone like that?”  She pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned as Robert Lancaster’s chuckle morphed into a hearty laugh.  She couldn’t help but giggle along as she dropped her pencil and took off her glasses, setting them on the desk in front of her.

“You know, sometimes I do, especially when I’m not paying attention.” Rosemary leaned back into her chair, propping her feet up on the desk.  Her free hand dropped down to fondle Banana’s ears as the dog snoozed next to her.  “What’s up, Robert?”

“I’m doing some spring cleaning at the house and shop.  I got quite a few boxes accumulated, including stuff I’d like to donate to the museum.  When do you think you can come down to look through them?  I don’t expect you to take them all, but there are a couple of items I want you to specifically have.”  His voice sounded muffled over the phone as he bent down to toss another book into the Friends of the Library box.

“It’s a little slow this week,” she started as she checked the calendar on her wall.  “Looks like I can come as early as tomorrow.  So, if that works for you, I’ll bring the paperwork with me and we can just get it all done at once.”

“Oh, great!  I was hoping you could come soon.  It’s been a while since we had time to visit.”  His smile was evident in his voice.  “Can you do the paperwork on the computer?”

“Sure, we have the fillable PDFs.”

“Even better.  Just bring your laptop and we’ll work on it as we go through everything.  We can connect to the printer here and then you don’t have to worry about doing any of this at the office.  By the way, do you think you’ll have time for lunch?”

“Robert, you know I always have time for you.”  She smiled.  They had been friends for ten years by that point and he never failed to ask the lunch or dinner question and she never failed to make time for him.  Robert had been her first friend when she arrived in Michigan and the long-running friendship between the perpetual bachelor and the bold curator was stuff of area legend.  

There had been speculation of a May-December romance between the two, but Robert saw the younger woman as the daughter he never had and on her part Rosemary saw Robert as the father figure she lost when her grandfather passed away.

“Want to do Phil’s or Coral Gables?”  She smiled.  Just as their dates were always guaranteed, she knew that their location was as well. But it was habit to ask and it never felt right if she didn’t.

“Why do you even ask the question?  You know it’s supposed to be nice tomorrow, Coral Gables’ patio all the way.”  The two chatted a bit longer before they hung up, returning to the rest of their respective duties.  Rosemary sat up and Banana whined when she stopped petting him.  Spoiled dog.

“Sorry, Baba.  Work calls.” She stood up from her desk and wandered down the hall to the director’s office, knowing Helen was at her desk.  The third floor of the museum was workspace for the staff and despite working there for so many years, Rosemary never failed to draw an appreciative breath at the stunning sight of the Kalamazoo River.

As she ambled down the hall, Banana’s nails clicked on the tile floor, hinting that she wasn’t alone on her journey.  She smiled as she waved her hand and the dog rushed to her side.  The two slowly walked to the director’s office, warming themselves in the afternoon sun that poured through the windows.

Rosemary heard the muttering first as she rounded the corner and entered the office.  The stout woman was hunched over her laptop, her salt and pepper pixie cut sticking up everywhere.  Whatever she was working on, it was stressing her out.  Helen always pulled at her short strands when she was concentrating hard.

Smiling, Helen’s head jerked up as Rosemary knocked on the door.  The older woman waved her curator into the office and leaned back.  As she stretched, both women could hear a series of loud pops and they started to giggle.

“Ugh, I am getting too old to sit like this.  I need a massage.”  Helen groaned as yet another loud pop emitted from her shoulder.  As Banana scooched under the desk to get scritches from Helen, Rosemary plopped down in one of the armchairs and it creaked in complaint. “Do you have to sit so hard? Those are collection pieces, you know.”

“Not anymore.  I deaccessioned them last week into the decorative collection.  Donor approved, mind you.  So, we can sit in these however we want.”  Rosemary grinned as she threw a leg over the arm of the ornate chair.  For being so ugly, it was comfortable and not for the first time, she wondered if she could move them to her office without Helen noticing.

“That may be, but it’s not like we have money to fix something you broke because you were being too careless.”  Helen raised her eyebrow and Rosemary sat back up in the chair like normal, having the courtesy to look chagrined.  The director sat back.

“So, what do you need?  Are you still having issues with that Gaylord order?”

“Naw, I talked to them last week, they shipped it out yesterday. Finally.”  She rolled her eyes.  “Robert Lancaster called me just a bit ago, wanting to donate some items to the museum.  I got the time, so I’ll head to Saugatuck tomorrow to handle it.”

“Well, I know Robert is quite the collector, but do you think there are things we’ll want?  I’m hard pressed to start accepting any old thing again after we finally got the collections cleared up and decluttered.  I know he’s a long-time supporter of the museum, but I don’t know if I can take another ugly piece of furniture with a smile.”  Rosemary laughed at the comment.

“To his credit, he said there were things we probably wouldn’t want, and I doubt he’ll be sad if I said no to some things.  I certainly want to see what books he’s got for us.  We have a few things in the library that probably need to be rotated out into archives for their own protection.

“Besides, I am not going to pass up a chance to swoop in and yank the rug out from underneath Saugatuck.  You know that.  Watching Fred get mad that I got the leg up on him adds ten years to my life.” Rosemary rubbed her hands gleefully, a glint of mischief in her eyes.

“You really hate him, don’t you?”  Helen laughed.  Lake Michigan History Center was a charming coastal museum, but everyone agreed their curator was a bit odd.  Rosemary took an instant dislike to the man when she came on Fort Jamison’s staff and over the years, their dislike turned into a mutual hatred.  Like her friendship with Robert, everyone knew Fred was Rosemary’s mortal enemy and vice versa.

“God, yes!  Helen, he’s a dick and greedy as hell.  I don’t trust him any further than I can toss his skinny ass. I am still pissed over the diary!  Mrs. Greenwich assured me that we were getting it and he slithered into the village last year and took it!”  Rosemary’s voice got louder.  “THAT DAMN DIARY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SAUGATUCK, LET ALONE MENTIONS IT!”

Helen laughed harder while raising her hands in surrender and her curator stopped herself before she got too carried away.  Rosemary cleared her throat and drew a deep breath.  Ugh, he always managed to get her riled up even when he wasn’t around.  Damn Fred.

“Sorry, sorry.  I shouldn’t let him get me so mad, but god.  I hate him so much!  So, if Robert Lancaster’s got something that would make Fred die with envy, then by god, I’m gonna bring it home.”

“Alright.  I trust you as usual.  But since you’re here, I want to go over a couple of things with you for this grant so I can get it out Friday.”

The two women moved on to other things and fell into discussion about the future of projects for the museum and how to fund them.

---***---

“Cripes.”

The word was accompanied by a deep groan.  Agent Marcus Pike sat back in his chair to rub his eyes for the third time in less than an hour.  Some intern had dumped four boxes of case files in his office and was coming back with four more.  And the intern was certain there was another half dozen.

When three art pieces were stolen in Canada last year, Pike had been notified as a courtesy from his Canadian counterparts.  Which in and of itself wasn’t unusual, but the notes from the agents there stood out to Pike and he realized that the details match another case he had worked on earlier in the year.  And further digging uncovered almost three dozen cases dating back almost thirty years that carried all the hallmarks of this most recent one.  And more importantly – they were all still open.

He had taken his concerns and theories to the Art Squad chief, Agent Maria Luisa Armand, and with her blessing, assembled a crew to explore these cold cases. Maybe with new technology and eyes, they’d get the lead to solve them all.

The dull throbbing behind his eyes seemed to get worse and he leaned further back in his chair, trying to do some breathing exercises to reduce the pressure.  He let his eyes go unfocused, letting the colored light reflected on his ceiling go blurry.  The stained glass propped up in his office window had been a bit of an indulgence for him, but Pike never regretted the purchase and, in that moment, the colored streaks help bring some sense of zen that he needed.

A knock on his door forced him out of his zone and he sat up to see his partner, Brenda Carmichael, waiting at the door.  He smiled when he saw her and she returned the gesture, coming in to sit in one of the chairs.  The two had been partners for six years and together they had solved dozens of cases and thwarted twice as much.

“Do we have a plan, Carmichael?”

“Yep.  Someone is coming to get these boxes and take them to Conference D, which I commandeered.”

“How did you do that?”

“Threatened to tell Harrison’s wife that he was spending big cash on that escort he’s seeing.”

“Ouch, a little low, don’t you think?”  Pike laughed.

“God no.  Harrison doesn’t ever play nice, so you can’t do it with him.”  She waived her hand and laughed, her tightly coiled hair bouncing as if it was laughing, too.  “Anyway, three junior agents are on the job currently preparing to create the timeline and pulling all the files.  Two more are working to create point of contact lists for witnesses and such. And finally, I think Armand is putting on the coffee.”

“So where does that leave you and me?”  He didn’t think he’d get such a big crew to do this.  Must be a slow day in other departments.  “I want Fitzbender on the NSAF search and follow up, though, before I forget. 

“That’s fine.  And we supervise.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it for now. Until we have more material to work with.  So up off your duff and let’s get going.”

Pike smiled as he pulled himself out of his chair, grabbing his jacket and gesturing to Carmichael to leave first.  If they could solve these cases, it would be the biggest win in the Art Squad’s recent history and Pike really wanted to bring those pieces home where they belonged.

---***----

“Robert, you know I love you, but you have some ugly stuff here.” Rosemary’s nose wrinkled at the stuffed monkey with murderous eyes staring at her from a box.  The only place that creepy thing was going was in the garbage.  She moved on to another open box, pawing through the items that were housed there, pulling out a couple of potentials.

“Yeah, well no accounting for taste, I guess.”  Robert groaned as he leaned over and pulled open another box. He thought he had labelled all of them for the museum, but he realized three of them got mixed up in the junk pile. “God, how did I miss all these boxes. I’m sorry Rosie, I am usually better organized.”

“It’s not a problem, Robert.”  Rosemary walked over with the contents of yet another box, a bounce in her step as she realized she snagged a two-hundred-year-old map of the area that Fred would have murdered her to get for himself.  Her grin was almost feral at the idea that she one upped the old bastard. “Hey, question.”

“What?”  Robert had moved on to a small box on his desk that had a post-it with Rosemary’s name on it.

“What’s with all the cleaning and giving away all of a sudden?  The house wasn’t like this when I visited two months ago.”  She wiped the sweat off her brow and turned to look at him.  He was quiet and she took a moment to really look at him.

She knew from long talks that Robert had been living in the Saugatuck area since the 1990s.  He had come from Chicago, declaring he needed a slower pace and his bookstore was a welcomed addition to the downtown area.  He was highly philanthropic to causes he loved, like the Fort Jamison museum.

After her Pops passed away several years ago, she seemed to lean even more into Robert to fill the empty void and he did so gladly.  As she watched him shuffle about, she grew concerned because he looked more frail than usual.  The man had always been on the thin side, but he looked scarily thin and a thought skittered through her mind that sent a wave of sadness through her.

“Robert, are you sick?”  There was no hiding the sadness in Rosemary’s voice.  When he stopped and hesitated, she didn’t need a verbal answer from him. She walked over from where she was standing and placed her hand on his shoulder, turning him around.  “Robert.”

He bowed his head and wrapped his arms around the younger woman as tight as he could, and she did the same.  He began to cry on her shoulder, and it startled her, causing tears to form in her eyes.  She silently rubbed his back in comforting circles as sobs wracked Robert’s body. They stood there a long time before he quieted down, but even then, Rosemary refused to let him go, hugging him close to her.

He was her friend and she loved him dearly, so if he were dying, it would devastate her.  Robert made a move to pull back and she reluctantly let him go but held onto his arms with her hands to keep him close.  His red-rimmed eyes crushed the broken pieces of her heart.  He sighed.

“Rosie.”  He took a deep breath.  “I met with my doctor last week and I have stage four pancreatic cancer.  He only gave me a few months to live.”

“Oh Robert.”  The tears started up again and she threw her arms around him.  They cried together a second time and the sadness enveloped them. As she held him close, her tears made her voice rough.  “That’s what spurred this on, isn’t it?”

“Yes.  But you’re the only one to know right now.  I didn’t want to tell anyone else until you knew.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Well, for starters, this hug is pretty good.”  He chuckled a little bit.  “And get some of this stuff out of my house.  And then just be my friend until the end.”

“Always.”  She pulled back to look at him.  “But it will be a cold day in hell before that ugly ass monkey comes with me.”

The tension and sadness were broken, letting them laugh a bit through their tears.  They stepped apart and let themselves smile at each other.

“Let’s get lunch and come back to this stuff later.  It’s too nice of a day to miss out on the patio.”

#Agent Marcus Pike #marcus pike x reader #marcus pike x oc #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal x reader #fanfic #the mentalist

[spine-buster]

Alone, Together | Chapter 16 | Morgan Rielly

A/N:  Welp, this story isn’t showing up in the morgan rielly tag anymore even though it’s my first tag in the list.  Anyone know a possible reason?  

I’m still on a high from the Raptors parade today.  Enjoy.

Bee had her outfit laid out on the chair in Morgan’s room, but she ignored it while she lied in bed with him and felt his fingers move in and out of her lazily, making her squirm for how sensitive she was getting but also making her mad for how slowly he was taking this.  They faced each other in the bed, her leg hooked over his, and he was holding her in his free arm; so soft and so gentle but also biting down on her skin and licking at her breasts and telling her what a good girl she was being as she kept trying to grind harder on his hand between her legs, only for him to pull away momentarily or go even slower which would drive her fucking insane.  

She still needed to take a shower.  She still needed to style her hair and do her makeup.  Her winged eyeliner alone took her like ten minutes.  But here she was.  Morgan was fingering her in his bed, and there was no way she was going to leave.  

They were definitely going to be late to Auston’s New Year’s Eve party.  

When he got back from his Christmas break in Vancouver and from the road game they played in Columbus, he seemingly couldn’t keep his hands off her.  She didn’t know what it was or what had gotten into him, but the second he arrived back in the city he’d called her, and by the first two minutes she was over his apartment, he’d pinned her against his door and was in her.  Literally.  The following night, after an upsetting loss to the Islanders at Scotiabank Arena, they went back to her place and engaged in four or five different rounds of sex throughout the night.  Yesterday, though she was out a majority of the day with Angie, she kept getting messages from him explaining what he wanted to do to her that night.  When she got home, he ate her out like she was the last meal on earth, until she felt like she was going to have a heart attack, which was apparently common for her now.  Even then, he let her relax for a bit until he went for a round two.

Everybody enjoyed good sex.  Everybody.  And when it becomes so available, nobody really passes on the opportunity.  Including her.  She loved feeling good, and she loved that he was the one able to make her feel so good, because he was a damn good lover, and a very generous one at that (she was generous too, let’s not get the story wrong here), but she wondered where all of this was coming from.  He told her he was just making up for lost time, but they had only been apart from each other for five days.  They’d been apart from each other longer, even just recently, and he hadn’t acted this way when he came back.

“You’re being such a good girl for me,” he whispered, curling his fingers in her and making her whimper loudly.  They’d resumed much of their dirty talk, too, after they had explored it before Christmas.  It was a staple now.  She couldn’t believe how much it turned her on and added to the whole experience.  “You like when I touch you like this, don’t you?” he asked.

“Yes,” she nodded her head.  “You always make me feel so good Morgan.”

He slipped another finger into her, and she writhed at the sensation of his fingers curling in her, hitting the spot she so desperately needed to hit.  He smiled and bit his lip.  “So good for me baby.  So wet.  So fucking wet.”  He lowered his head to kiss and bite at her neck.  He looked down to her boobs spilling out of her blush pink bra and curled his fingers again, making her grind onto his hand.  

“I’m so close Mo,” she said desperately.  “Please.  Go faster.  Go harder.”

“No,” he denied her.  “We’re gonna take it nice and slow.”

“Morgan.”

“Nice and slow,” he repeated, taking his fingers almost fully out of her as punishment, garnering another whimper from her.  He pushed them back in at an excruciatingly slow pace, and she wanted to kill him.  

“Morgan, please,” she was frantic.  “I want to come so bad.”

“Nice and slow,” he repeated, and she could only toss her head back and moan at his insistency before accepting her fate.  

She didn’t know how long they were lying there for, but when he slipped in yet another finger, and curled them all against her walls, it all became too much for her, and soon, she was completely gone.  Her orgasm washed over her, slow and powerful as it made its way throughout her whole body, and she was shaking from the sheer intensity of it.  She closed her thighs around his hand as he continued his movements, letting her ride it out for as long as possible.  He finally stopped when her body stopped shaking, and he took the opportunity to bring the hand that was buried in her up to his mouth.  They stared at each other as he sucked his fingers, loving the taste of her.  

“Fuck,” she muttered, barely waiting for her fingers to leave his mouth before she crashed her lips onto his, desperate to taste it too.  He made her fucking crazy.  Her body was a puddle off goo from her orgasm but he continued to find ways, the simplest of ways, to get her hot and bothered.  “You are a fucking gift, Morgan Rielly.”

“Hmm, so are you,” he mumbled in between kissing, trying to pull her body on top of him.  “The things I would do to you.  God.  Get up here.”

“Moooo,” she whined.  It was taking everything in her not to give in.  “I’ve gotta shower.”

“Shower?  For what?”

“For Auston’s party, dummy.”

“Ugh, whatever,” he groaned.  “Do we have to go?  We have much better things we could be doing.”

Bee snorted.  “Yes we have to go.  He’s your friend – our friend – and he’s expecting us to be there.  I even made cupcakes.”

He groaned again, moving to lie down on his back since he knew he wasn’t going to win.  “Why do you have to be such a good person?”

She shook her head at his question.  “That must be the horny talking.  If I get anymore action after what’s been going on these past couple of days they’re gonna have to put ‘Death by Morgan Rielly’s dick’ on my gravestone.”

It was his turn to snort.  “Well what do you expect when you have a nice pink bra like that on?” he asked rhetorically.  

She looked down quickly at her bra.  Blush coloured, satin with some lace.  Expensive, of course; or at least more than what she had previously paid for her bras.  It fit well, cupped her breasts perfectly, didn’t tug at her skin or give her indents.  The straps didn’t fall down her arms like they usually did.  She unclasped her bra and threw it at him, garnering a smile as it landed on his chest.  She gave him a wink before turning and walking into the bathroom to turn on the shower.  In the full-length mirror in the washroom, she looked at her body until the mirror began to fog.  She saw her tummy a little fuller thanks to Christmas; she saw her hips and thighs, wide as ever; she saw her arms lead up to her shoulders, now peppered with love bites.

Morgan had never mentioned anything about bras or panties or lingerie before she went on her shopping spree with the girls.  But now, with all the new satin and lace and bodysuits and baby dolls (though he’d only really seen the bodysuit in terms of lingerie), he couldn’t keep his hands off her.  He’d comment on the colour, the material, how good it made her boobs look, how good it made her ass look.  While she obviously enjoyed the compliments, and the hunger derived from it, she wondered if he thought these things before all the satin and lace.  Before the bodysuits and baby dolls.  Before the nice clothes and Chanel bags.

Morgan never once made her feel self-conscious about her body – in fact, it was the exact opposite – but she still couldn’t help but feel so.  She knew he was attracted to her in every way.  But did he like her better when she looked more put together, more sophisticated, like the other wives and girlfriends?  Did he like her better with her new hair, the makeup, the nice shoes and designer bags?  He’d always compliment on how good a pair of jeans fit her, or how her boobs looked in a top.  If she went back to the basic tops and pants, and outfits that she wore only weeks ago, would he still be attracted to her?  Could she still be with him?  Could she still be comfortable with him, knowing how much he seemed to love her new look?  Would he be comfortable with her going back to that look?  Or would he be embarrassed?

She stepped out of the shower, wrapping her hair in a towel before throwing on one of his bathrobes.  When she emerged, all the steam from the hot water escaping with her, she found Morgan still on the bed, scrolling through his phone.  He looked over at her and gave her a smile.  Her shower thoughts were still on her mind as she gave him a small smile back, walking over to the bed and sitting on the edge.  She felt him move so that he was on his knees behind her.  

“I have a question for you,” he said in a low voice, placing a quick kiss on the exposed skin between the bathrobe and the towel wrapped around her head.

“No, we cannot skip Auston’s party,” she answered.

He let out a small chuckle.  “No no, not that.  Um, on January 21st the team has this big fundraiser at the Fairmont Royal York.  It’s called the Night With Blue and White,” he explained.  “It’s the biggest charity event we do.  All the proceeds to go the MLSE Launchpad.  It’s, like, $10,000 a table, and Rogers and all these other companies sponsor it.”

“And?”

“And it’s a gala event.  And I’d like it if you can be there with me.  So will you come?”

She couldn’t help but smile.  His tone was so serious, so hesitant; as if he was worried she would say no.  As if she’d say no.  “Of course I’ll come.  You want me there?”

“Of course I do,” he said gently, unwrapping the towel from her head to let her wet hair cascade down, giving her another kiss in the same spot between her shoulder and neck.  

She thought about the event, how many rich and important people would be there mingling and donating obscene amounts of money for the cause.  She thought about the glamour of it all, of all the women in high heels and expensive dresses, the men in dapper suits and pockets as deep as their company’s chequebook.  She thought about the historic venue, the flashing lights, the catered food and the deluxe bar.  

She thought about what she’d have to wear.  How much she’d have to get done up.  Going out to buy a fancy dress.  Going to get her hair done.  

“I already know you’re going to look so good that night,” he said, dragging his lips along the skin on her neck.  “You’ll knock ‘em all dead.”

She hesitated, her thoughts giving her so much anxiety.  “Morgan?”

“Mhm?”

“Do you like me more with all the nice clothes?”

Morgan stopped dead in his tracks.  He couldn’t believe she could be thinking something like that, so…so untrue, so incorrect and so mistaken and so fallacious.  His stomach was in knots as the words hung heavy in the air.  He didn’t know how to express his thoughts.  Words were a foreign concept to him.  “Briony…I…what?”

“You know what, it’s alright,” she said hurriedly.  “Forget I asked.  Forget it.”

He wasn’t going to let this one go.  There was no fucking way he was going to let this one go.  “No no no, hold on,” he said, practically jumping off the bed to kneel in front of her.  She wouldn’t even look at him.  “Briony.  Look at me.”

“No.  Just forget it.”

“Briony,” he said sternly.  Her eyes met his and they were already welling up with tears – he didn’t know if it was from embarrassment or sadness or whatever else.  “What do you mean ‘Do you like me more with all nice clothes’?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Have I not been showing you enough how much I love your body?” he asked.

She shook her head vehemently.  “It’s not that.  I know that you love my body.”

“Then what is it?”

“ Do you only love my body when it has nice clothes on it?”

“Briony, no,” he said firmly, the whole concept completely absurd to him.

“Because I’ve noticed…I don’t know.  You haven’t been able to keep your hands off me since I got all the nice stuff.  And I’m not complaining about you not being able to keep your hands off me, because you know I would never complain about that, but I can’t help but feel like ever since I started dressing nicer there’s been this…change.”

“What change?”

“That you’re, like…” she was scared to say the next part.  But she knew that if she didn’t get it off her chest it would be on her mind forever.  She didn’t want to start the New Year with these types of thoughts.  “You’re more attracted to me because I look better now.  Because I don’t look so cheap and so poor and this is some sort of new Briony that doesn’t look like the old Briony and you like the new Briony much better, even though the old Briony, like, the character of Briony, is still the same despite all the designer clothes.”

He felt sick to his stomach that she was feeling this way and hadn’t told him up until now.  Absolutely sick to his fucking stomach.  “Briony, it’s not like that at all,” he stressed.  “To me, there’s no old Briony and new Briony.  There’s just Briony.  I don’t…I…there’s no distinction to me.  You’re the same Briony but with new clothes.  But those new clothes don’t matter.  I don’t care if you wear head to toe Gucci or not.  You can wear a burlap sac for all I care.  I’d still…I’d never, never --”

“You’re always saying how good I look, how good my boobs or my butt looks, and it’s nice, but I don’t know if --”

“I say those things because I want you to feel confident about yourself!” he exclaimed.  “I know you’re still getting used to all this.  I just want you to feel comfortable after you felt so violated from the break and enter.  I can’t believe you would feel like this and not tell me.  Bumblebee, I don’t care what you look like.  I don’t care.  That’s not important to me,” he was so desperate to get his point across he was almost on the verge of tears.

She sniffled, holding back any more tears she had as much as possible.  “You don’t?”

“No, Briony.  No.  God,” he muttered under his breath.  “Briony, you have no idea.  You have no idea how much I feel like the luckiest guy in the room by just standing beside you.”

She took a deep breath.  “Okay…okay…”

“The only thing I care about is you feeling good about yourself, and it doesn’t matter what you wear to make you feel that way” he said.  “And if there’s anything that I can do to help with that, you need to tell me, because I’d rather fucking die than make you feel uncomfortable or have you think I only like you when you look a certain way.”

She nodded her head.  She understood now.  She got it.  “Okay,” she said softly, nodding her head.

“Briony, I’m serious.  You need to tell me these things.  I don’t like that you think I’m only attracted to you because of the clothes on your body.  That cannot be further from the truth,” he said.  

“I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize.  Just…talk to me, okay?  Don’t bottle this stuff in.  There are a million things that are loveable about you and none of them have to do with the way you look.”

“I won’t.  I’m sorry.  I won’t.”

He learned forward and wrapped his arms around her.  He didn’t want to let go.  He couldn’t let go.  Not until she felt what he had just been trying to tell her; not until she knew he meant every word of what he just said, and would keep saying it to her until she knew he meant it.  

***

“You guys are late,” Auston said as Morgan and Briony walked through his door.  He was already, maybe, a little bit drunk, but he was in the privacy of his own home so he really didn’t care.

“Is it past midnight?” Morgan asked.

“No.”

“Then we’re not late,” he shrugged his shoulders.

“Wow.”

“We had an emergency with the cupcakes,” Briony lied, holding them up for Auston to see.  

“Cupcakes?  You made cupcakes?”

“Only for you, Auston,” she winked, showing him the intricately decorated confectionery.  

His eyes went wide as he admired the icing and decoration.  He looked at Briony like she had just presented him with a golden compass.  “Are you sure you don’t have a sister I can hook up with?  Are you positive?”

“Even if I did I wouldn’t let her date you,” she took the cupcakes away from him.  

“That hurts.”

Before Bee could respond, a loud ‘Auston!’ was heard from somewhere inside the condo, and Morgan, Bee, and Auston watched as a blonde girl waved at him, motioning for him to come back to his dining room table, where he had set up beer pong.  Bee couldn’t help but laugh.  “I’m sure you’ll get over it soon.”

As Auston went back to his lady friend, Bee and Morgan made their way into the apartment, finding Fred, Tyler, Zach and Alannah, and John and Aryne.  Travis Dermott and his girlfriend brought her friends, Kasperi Kapanen was with a lady friend who happened to bring her friends, and Mitch Marner and Steph were there, surrounded by a few of her friends.  Overall, it was a pretty full party, and Bee immediately found comfort and solace with Aryne and Alannah.  

“Giiiiirl!  That bag looks so good,” Aryne hugged her tightly, grabbing the Chanel bag in both hands.  “I should have gotten one for myself.”

“You can’t.  This is Bee’s bag now,” Alannah laughed as she moved to hug Bee as well.  “How’ve you been?  How’s the new place?”

“Oh, it’s great,” Bee smiled.  “Views are amazing, building’s amazing…I mean compared to what I had, this place is off the charts.”

“I know you’re busy trying to find a job, but we should all have a girl’s night soon,” Alannah suggested.  “I can bring over a stack of wedding magazines.  Lord knows I need to start making some choices.”

“Don’t say that too loud,” Aryne rolled her eyes a bit, discreetly nodding over to the sexy, longhaired bleach blonde standing next to Kasperi who was sipping on a tallboy.  She was very, very attractive, and Bee could understand why she was Kasperi’s current flavour.  “Cassidy might overhear and invite herself.”

“Are we…are we not…” Bee was a bit confused.  

“She’s been on her phone more than she’s talked to Kappy tonight,” Alannah said.  “She pretended to act dumb but she definitely knows who everybody in this room is.  I don’t get a good vibe from her.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Bee asked.  “Knowing everybody here, I mean?  Wouldn’t you rather have it that way?”

“Not the way that she knows everybody,” Aryne said.  “You know how you know everybody as just, like, Zach or John or Fred or whatever?  You don’t care?  She knows and sees people as Zach Hyman of the Toronto Maple Leafs, John Tavares of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Frederik Andersen of the Toronto Maple Leafs,” she explained.  “It’s all about status to her.  She knows she’s at a party at Auston Matthews’s apartment with a bunch of Leafs players.  She’s probably putting it all over her Snapchat or Instagram stories, pretending to be discreet about it, but really showing off where she is and who she’s with.  Girls like that are all the same.”

“Fame hungry?” Bee clarified.

“Exactly.  Just waiting for someone to pick up on it and start talking about them so their name gets out there.  I bet she’s an Instagram model or has her own YouTube channel where she models bikinis she gets sent from FashionNova.  They’re all the same.”

“Aryne!” Alannah giggled.  “Tell me what’s really on your mind why don’t you!”

“Listen.  My New Year’s resolution is to try to be less judgemental as a whole but for girls like that, I can’t help it,” Aryne giggled slightly.  “They’re so transparent it’s almost comical.  And it’s always the young guys who fall for them.”

“Anyways,” Alannah put an end to the conversation with just one word.  She didn’t want to be talking about girlfriends of the month the whole night.  “Has Morgan told you about the Night with Blue and White?” she asked.

Bee blushed.  “Uh, yeah.  He actually asked me tonight.”

“And you’re coming?” Aryne asked.  Bee nodded her head.  “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” Aryne squealed loudly.  “Oh my God this is gonna be so fun!  We’re going to need to go shopping for dresses!  And shoes!”

“It’s honestly such a fun night,” Alannah smiled.  “We’re going to have a blast.  You get to meet so many people.  It’ll actually be so good for you considering you’re on the job hunt.”

Bee hadn’t even considered that.  She hadn’t considered that it could be a great opportunity for her, rather than just some event put on by the Leafs that she would accompany Morgan to.  She never considered that she would be mingling with people who could hire her.  Now she really wanted to go.  Of course she’d be there primarily to support Morgan, but it didn’t hurt that she’d be able to try and land a job interview.  “That’s actually a great point…” she said.

“I’m a smart girl,” Alannah winked.

***

“Somebody get the champagne ready!”

“Pour it out!  Pour it out!”

“Save some to pop!”

Morgan was drunk.  The smiley kind of drunk.  The kind of drunk where all he wanted to do was put his hands on Bee’s ass and keep them there.  But he still had some semblance of a conscience – he knew that in public spaces that was frowned upon, especially in front of friends, so he tried his hardest to rid the thoughts from his mind as some more sober members of the group (Zach, Fred) poured the champagne into plastic flutes for the entire party.  

It was a little over five minutes until the countdown, and everybody was getting excited.  Morgan couldn’t remember how much alcohol he drank.  It was a lot.  What he could remember was talking to Zach about how much he liked Bee, how he wanted to take her back home to Vancouver so bad, how he loved the smell of her hair and waking up with his face buried in it in the morning.  Zach could only laugh, as he was the sober one being designated driver, and he kept commenting how bad Morgan had it for her, and Morgan could only nod and drink more beer and talk more about how much he liked her before he moved on to Fred and told him the exact same thing.  Now, with the countdown soon approaching, everybody began to pair up with their significant others.  

“Mo gets his own bottle of champagne!” Auston yelled, handing him a bottle, to which everybody cheered at.  Morgan took the bottle, noticing the cork was already half out.  He didn’t want to hold on to it without holding on to Bee.  He looked around the room for her.

Bee was standing next to Aryne, who was smoothing down her husband’s shirt, looking down at her phone.  She hadn’t noticed Morgan looking for her because she was too busy reading a barrage of messages that had made their way to her Instagram inbox.

lmao i bet morgan bought u that chanel bag.  doesn’t that mean he’s ur sugar daddy??? ur pathetic

now u think ur hot shit always wearing that chanel bag everywhere

You wear that Chanel bag everywhere now bc you want everyone to know Morgan bought it for you.  You reek of desperation.  Don’t think we didn’t know it was you in Sephora just bc the pic was blurry.

don’t think we don’t see u in cassidy’s videos from the party. ur prob begging her to include u.  ur literally so desperate its insane

no clue what morgan sees in you.  you’re not as pretty as any of the other wags and you don’t fit in either.  you prob won’t last long.

Yet again ur at a party w the leafs but decide not to post pics or videos, making other ppl like kappy’s girl post them with u in them. Ur not very smart r u? the game ur playing is dumb.

Bee felt an arm wrap around her shoulders, and looked up to see Morgan, a drunken grin plastered on his face.  He was clutching an entire bottle of champagne.  She locked her phone screen immediately.  She knew just by looking at him that he was too drunk to read, but she didn’t want to take the chance of him seeing the messages.  “Hello, stranger,” she smiled.

“Hey sexy,” he tried to wink, but just ended up blinking really hard.  She snorted at his attempt.  “You ready to blow this popsicle stand?”

“How drunk are you?” she asked.

“I’m…” he couldn’t find the right words.  “I’m right on it.  Right on the line.”

“And why do you have an entire bottle of champagne?”

“Matts wanted me to have it,” he said, bringing it up to her lips, pretending to pour it.  “For the countdown.  Are you gonna countdown with me?”

“Of course I am,” she smiled.

As they made their way near the front of the TV, which was showing the live broadcast from Nathan Phillips Square in downtown Toronto – 90 seconds to go! –  Morgan’s arm was still draped around Bee’s shoulders.  Bee wrapped an arm around his waist to try and steady his drunken rocking form side to side.  When she did so, he bent his head down to kiss her temple.  “I know I’m piss drunk right now but can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” she said quietly.

Thirty!  Twenty-nine!  Twenty-eight!

“Every fuckin’ day I thank my lucky stars that someone sent a drink to your table pretending to be me,” he mumbled.  The hair on the back of Bee’s neck stood on end.  “Every.  Fuckin’.  Day.  Like, you don’t even understand Briony.  Everyday.”

It was at that moment that Bee realized that it didn’t matter what anonymous messages she received, what they had to say, or how they said things about her.  What mattered – besides her privacy, her integrity, and her humility – was that Morgan was standing next to her, arm draped around her, bottle of champagne in his hand.  It didn’t matter that they thought she was fat, that they thought she was tacky, an attention-seeker, desperate, didn’t fit in, whatever else – what mattered was that she was with Morgan.  They weren’t.  As petty as that sounded, it was her standing next to him, her who shared a bed with him, her who he called before every game.

Ten!  Nine!  Eight!

It was her who got to kiss him at midnight.

Seven!  Six!  Five!

“I thank my lucky stars you sent a drink to my table,” she smiled.  This would be their ongoing joke; her saying he sent a mojito to her table, him maintaining it wasn’t him and that she got pranked.  She’d never let him live it down.

Four!  Three!  Two!  One!

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the entire party yelled in unison, and Morgan took the opportunity to wrap Bee further into his body with the arm that was around her shoulders before he bent his neck to place a giant kiss on her lips.  She reciprocated until she felt him start to shake the champagne bottle.  She pulled away so he could pop it quickly, causing another cheer from the crowd before he brought the oozing fizz to his lips.  Ever the gentleman, he gave Bee a swig before kissing her again, both of them tasting like champagne.  They kissed for much longer this time, Morgan not willing to pull away, and Bee not willing to deny him, even in his drunken state, even though she was sure all the other couples had stopped.

When they finally did pull away, Bee looked around quickly to see some other couples.  John was cradling Aryne’s baby bump, and Bee thought she was going to cry right then and there; Zach was still macking on Alannah, who didn’t seem to mind; and Cassidy, right beside them, was recording Kappy making a smoochie face against hers.  It was all very cute.  

“You want s’more champagne?” Morgan asked.

Bee shook her head.  She brought her hand up to the back of his neck, pulling him down to kiss her again.

***

Morgan sobered up a bit by the time they decided to call it a night.  He stuck to water and was well enough to walk on his own by 2am.  Bee had watched over him like a hawk, making sure he was drinking glass after glass of water.  She wasn’t exactly capable of hauling a 200+ pound hockey player home.

Although the party had died down significantly – John and Aryne had left not long after the countdown, as had some others – there were still people hanging about.  Auston was plastered.  Fred and Tyler were sleeping over, thankfully, and Fred had already begun the clean up, like the responsible adult he was.  

“We should say goodbye to Auston, at least,” Morgan said when he finished slipping on his shoes.  Bee nodded her head and they wandered through his apartment hand in hand to find him.

It didn’t take long.  The second Bee saw Auston, she snorted out in laughter.  He had her homemade cupcakes in front of him, one in his hand, and he was completely going to town on it.  Completely going to town.  There was icing all over his face, all over his nose, and he opened his jaw as much as possible to get the entire height of the cupcake and all the icing in his mouth at once.  It was hilarious.  He looked like a kid.  

She took out her phone and took a few pictures of him, and he didn’t even notice.  She even took the opportunity to take a video.  After he finished the cupcake, he didn’t even hesitate to grab another one and peel off the wrapping paper.  The video was shaking for how hard she was laughing.  “You having a good time there, Matts?” Bee asked.  He looked absolutely ridiculous.  

When he noticed them, he didn’t even care.  He took a massive bite out of the cupcake, getting more icing all over his face and nose.  “Bee…fuck,” he moaned.  

“That your new girl Matts?” Morgan joked.  Auston nodded his head.  Morgan snorted.  At that point, she ended the video, knowing she had good blackmail against him now.  Auston was completely gone.  “Night buddy.  Don’t forget to wrap it up if you’re gona eat her.  Things can get out of hand easily.”

#morgan rielly #morgan rielly imagine #morgan rielly fic #toronto maple leafs #toronto maple leafs imagine #toronto maple leafs fic #hockey #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fic #nhl #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fic #alone together series

[enricodandolo]

Venusberg (Mass Effect: Andromeda; Rydercest)

Zu Gottes Preis in hoch erhabne Fernen,

blickt auf zum Himmel, blickt auf zu seinen Sternen!

Anbetung solchen Wundern zollt,

da ihr sie nicht begreifen sollt!

Doch was sich der Berührung beuget,

euch Herz und Sinnen nahe liegt,

was sich, aus gleichem Stoff erzeuget,

in weicher Formung an euch schmiegt, -

dem ziemt Genuss in freud'gem Triebe,

und im Genuss nur kenn' ich Liebe!

 She awoke some time before her alarm, the bright sunlight uncomfortably hot on her face. They hadn’t bothered to draw the curtains and the tinted windows overlooking downtown Armstrong, though filtering out harmful UV radiation, did little to shield them from visible light. She yawned, drew the somewhat clammy blanket up to her ears, rolled over and nestled closer to her partner, nuzzling up to his shoulder. His skin was hot against hers, his smell comfortingly familiar. The sun warmed her bare back through the blanket.

Sara didn’t have long to enjoy the peace and quiet. No sooner had she made herself comfortable than the omni-tool on her nightstand began blasting out Wagner. Freudig begrüßen wir die edle Halle … Groaning, she stirred, rolled off her partner’s body and grasped blindly for the tool. “Alright, alright,” she muttered, blinded by the pure white sunlight falling into her eyes, “’m awake …” She managed to stop the alarm a dozen measures in, turning the music down to a more reasonable volume. Shielding her eyes from the sun, she sat up in bed, the blanket pooling around her waist, stretched.

Once she had regained the use of her faculties and knew where, when and who she was, she glanced over at the man lying by her side. She could not stop a smile from creeping over her face. He was still fast asleep, all the efforts of Landgrave Hermann notwithstanding, curled up and clinging to the blanket. Sara leant closer. His mouth was very slightly open, his breathing slow and steady. For a moment, she watched him, following the curve of his shoulder blade, the tendons of his neck, the shadowed line of his jaw. She knew every inch of his body as well as her own, but never did she fail to be entranced, nor did her heart ever fail to leap when she saw him like this.

Having stolen this moment from him, she leaned down to kiss him. “Wakey, wakey,” she murmured into his brow. “You don’t wanna sleep in today.” He merely turned away with a groan and clung more tightly to the blanket. Sara rolled her eyes. “Suit yourself.” She strapped on her omni-tool, then got out of bed.

The sprawling suite at the Ritz-Astoria overlooking Tranquillity Base had cost them most of their remaining life savings, not that either of them had had a great deal left. Sara was pretty sure they’d drank the remainder last night, toasting a new future with a 1969 Gevrey-Chambertin. Might as well go for the novelty factor.

She walked over to the window, her bare feet sinking into the thick carpet like heavy boots in the lunar regolith, and turned up the filters to dim the light. Tranquillity Base stuck out like a sore thumb, a domed-over patch of grey dust amidst the urban sprawl of downtown Armstrong. They’d seen the site before, mingling among tourists, Alliance recruits and bored schoolchildren as they looked down unto the prosaic remains of humanity’s first bumbling steps through the plexiglass floor that shielded flags and footprints. Yesterday, the place had been full of vaguely familiar faces, everywhere they’d looked had been the Initiative’s logo—excited would-be pioneers bathing in historicism. They’d glanced at each other. “Let’s get out of here.” They hadn’t actually gotten to see what they’d come for, but that was fine.  

Humming along to the music from her ‘tool, Sara moved into the bathroom, all gold and marble shipped from Earth and larger than her old flat on Arcturus. She had neglected to clean up after they had made love yesterday and was in dire need of a shower. She took her time, enjoying the hot steam and the rivulets of scalding water lashing her skin before dripping to the marble floor with that peculiar dancelike languor that seemed to define all movement in lunar gravity. Going by the projections, it sounded like it might be the last hot shower she’d have for quite some time. Just another point she hadn’t considered when agreeing to this foolhardy endeavour. The hotel shampoo smelled of citrus and Thessian spices; for a moment she considered pocketing it before remembering there was no point.

She exited the shower, dried her hair and set about the rest of her morning routine, making liberal use of the hotel toiletries and humming along to the music from her omni-tool all the while. When she exited the bathroom, she found her lover still fast asleep. Sara stilled in the doorway, taking a moment to watch him, smile on her lips. Typical. She couldn’t have pretended to be surprised, even on a day like this. At other times, she might have slipped back into bed to hold him, cherishing the rare opportunity to enjoy more than fleeting intimacy.

Instead, she rolled one of her wet towels up in a ball and hurled it at him.

Scott’s curse was muffled by drowsiness, but he bolted upright and tangled with the towel as though it had attempted to strangle him. Finally he freed himself and glared at her as best he could from half-lidded eyes. “Time to get up, sleepyhead,” she told him, smirking. “Shower’s free.”

“Could’ve just told me …” her brother grumbled and dragged himself out of bed. “No need to assault me.”

“You sleep any longer and we’re likely to miss our ride. Come on, little brother.” She caught him by the wrist as he shuffled past her towards the bathroom and leaned in to kiss him. “Good morning. You smell like shit, go shower.”

“Join me?”

“Mmhm. Next time.”

While Scott was in the bathroom, Sara got dressed in her Initiative uniform, still ill-fitting and smelling of plastics. Say what you liked about the Alliance; her navy blues had felt like a second skin. She doubted she’d ever be as comfortable in the white-and-red gear of the Pathfinder team. Just gotta sit it out, she told herself, the way they’d planned. Once things got settled in Andromeda, they’d have all the time in the world.

The clothes she’d worn yesterday (as well as the racy new lingerie she hadn’t), she folded up and left on the bedroom dresser with a note asking for the hotel staff to donate them to charity. She’d already checked in all the personal effects she’d take with her: a few changes of civilian clothes, a replica of the first Prothean potsherd she’d helped dig up, a broach that had belonged to mum, an OSD with recordings and various memories, and of course her violin in a vacuum-sealed case she’d been ensured would keep the wood from warping for at least six centuries. That last item had kinda put a limit on what else she could bring, honestly, but she wasn’t about to give up on her music.

That had been one of her conditions. She’d had a lot of those. Sara remembered that evening on the Citadel, at a Zakera Ward sushi restaurant, quite well. Neither of them had had any idea as to why they’d been ordered to attend (dad never asked) and they’d both expected the worst. Neither of them had expected a sales pitch. Start a new life in Andromeda. She had seen the rapture in Scott’s eyes as he listened to their dad and it had scared her.

They’d met up on the Presidium the next day, just her and Scott. When she saw him, she knew he’d been sold, and she hated—well, whom exactly? Him, never. Herself, their dad, the entire fucking universe? But she’d ground her teeth and argued and, in the end, relented. He’d looked as miserable as she’d felt.

By the time Scott left the bathroom, she was lounging on the couch, tapping her foot along to the music. She watched (well, leered) him scrounge up his clothes. “You want to have breakfast?” she tried, half-heartedly. “We could order room service.”

“They said not to eat anything before departure, remember?” Well, there went that idea.

She said nothing else for a while, not until her brother had finished dressing. He actually looked handsome in that cheap-ass plastic uniform, damn him. He regarded her as he zipped up his jacket, worry plain in his face. “You still having doubts about this?”

“I’m rather amazed that you aren’t.”

Scott sighed and shook his head. They’d had this conversation before, too many times. Then, he walked over to her and took her hands. “It’s not too late to back out,” he reminded her, gentle as ever. To him, it would never be too late, not until they actually locked him in his cryo pod.

She smiled at that. “It’s fine. I’ve made my choice.” Truth be told, she’d made it that day on the Presidium. They’d come into this galaxy together, after all. She wasn’t about to let Scott outlive her by six hundred years. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you when this whole Initiative turns out to be a massive Ponzi scheme, though. Half the people on those arks are rich idiots with more money than sense, and Garson’s all too eager to have them carve out her own kingdom.”

“You’re such a cynic.” Scott chuckled. “Look, no one is saying this will go off without a hitch. It’ll be hard work, but in the end, it’ll be worth it, trust me. This is our chance. The moment things settle down over there, we’ll be free to go wherever we like. We’ll have a whole new galaxy to explore. None of this old shit holding us back anymore.”

How often had he painted that picture for her? The details differed—now a cabin in the mountains of Habitat 4, then a ship of their own charting the course beyond Heleus, then a beachfront villa on Habitat 7—but always, always, always they were together. The more excited he got, the less she wanted to object. We won’t be alone. Dad will be there. Nothing will change. They would still have to hide, as they had their entire lives.

She couldn’t blame Scott for wanting to try something, anything, to change that.

Anything she might have said stuck in her throat, so she kissed him. “I’ve really enjoyed these past two months,” she told him. “Thank you for that.” They had spent the weeks leading up to the arks’ departure together, longer than they’d ever had to themselves but always paranoid about being found out. As far as dad was concerned, they’d taken each other to some of their favourite places on Earth, one last pilgrimage before they left home forever.

Each had made three choices and agreed to humour the other’s: for Scott, they’d raved in Chennai nightclubs, gotten front-row seats to a Seattle Sorcerers game, and seen the aurora australis from the Transantarctic Mountains. For her, they’d gone hiking in the Hindukush, scouring the Vatican Museums, and she’d gotten her hands on two tickets for Tristan und Isolde at the Bayreuth Festival. For that last one, Scott had even refrained from making any snide comments about the music, though she had found him asleep when she tried to hold his hand in the darkness of the Festspielhaus. O sink hernieder, Nacht der Liebe. Still, they’d walked down the festival hill hand in hand, her usual caution dead in the dark of night, and clung to one another until hateful break of day.

“You’re scared,” Scott said, quietly.

Scared? Perhaps she was, at that. She wasn’t worried that the cryostasis would fail, or that Garson and her stooges would dump them all overboard the moment they’d gone to sleep. She wasn’t even scared of leaving behind everything she’d ever known for an uncertain future. “I want this to be our future,” she told her brother. “Not something dad chose for us. Not something we just fell into because it was the path of least resistance. That whole pathfinder thing, the AI, those fucking implants … every step just makes me feel more like a puppet. This whole Andromeda thing is supposed to be about freedom, a fresh start. How do you see us ever getting our fresh start if we’re dragging all our baggage with us from the Milky Way?”

“I don’t know, frankly. But I know it’ll be better than this. New galaxy, new rules, right?”

“Dad’s going to kill us when he finds out.”

“Fuck dad. Fuck all of them.” The outburst took her aback. She wasn’t used to Scott losing his cool. “This is us. No one else gets a say in this. No one.” He paused. A fire had lit up in his eyes. When he continued, his voice was gentle once more. “I love you, Sara. You want to stay, I’ll stay with you. But I’m sick and tired of hiding all the time. Whether here or in Andromeda, it’s high time for us to come out and face the music. And we’re gonna do it together.”

It was a well-practised speech, one she had heard before many times, in many different forms. Sometimes, it had moved her to tears, other times she had laughed it off. Now, she could not but wonder. She tried to imagine the two of them standing in front of their father—no, no, not that. Much better not to dwell on that. Think rather of what would come after (assuming they survived). That log cabin on Habitat 4, those white beaches on Habitat 7, but always: Scott, Scott, Scott, and her always by his side, the way it should be. Waking up together (ish) every morning, going to sleep together (ish) every night, all the things they could never have in the Milky Way.

Children? Why the hell not? It wasn’t as though they wouldn’t have genetic engineers in Andromeda. In fact, the Initiative had insisted on administering additional gene therapy to the Pathfinder teams along their AI implants, in addition to that they had received in-utero and in the Alliance. Little Scotts and little Saras, born into a new world their parents had forged for them … She glanced at her sweet, brash fool of a twin, heart melting. Well, maybe that would be something to consider, at least when they were a bit older and things in Andromeda had settled down.

“Scott?” she asked, softly, cupping his cheeks in her hands. “Promise me this, okay?”

“Anything,” he responded at once, then added, in pretend hesitation. “This isn’t gonna be like our 14th—”

She had to laugh. “No, you dork. Come on, I’m trying to have a heartfelt moment here, alright?”

Scott smiled up at her, laid a warm, tender hand upon hers. “Alright. Shoot.”

“Promise me we’ll always be together.”

“Always. I promise.”

  It was never supposed to be like this.

She hides her thoughts, her feelings, from the spy inside her brain, the voice that will not shut up. “You promised,” she whispers, voice choked as she holds her twin’s hand. She wants to bed her head on his chest, hear his heartbeat, but there are always people watching. She wants to kiss her prince awake or share in his slumber, wants to feel him once again, but it is always watching. She wants to spend eternity by his bedside, but she cannot shirk her duties. Lives depend on her—their future depends on her. “You promised …”

She lets go off his hand, dries her tears, and shoulders her violin. She can do this for him, at least, she tells herself, as if he’d care. This is for her. Something from Tannhäuser, perhaps. Yes, that’ll do nicely.

   Dir, Göttin der Liebe, soll mein Lied ertönen, gesungen laut sei jetzt dein Preis von mir! Dein süßer Reiz ist Quelle alles Schönen, und jedes holde Wunder stammt von dir! Wer dich mit Glut in seine Arme geschlossen, was Liebe ist, kennt der, nur der allein! Armsel'ge, die ihr Liebe nie genossen, zieht hin! Zieht in den Berg der Venus ein!

#mass effect #mass effect andromeda #mea #sara ryder #scott ryder #richard wagner #tannhäuser #*looks up at tags* .... huh #rydercest #fanfic

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 4.4

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, Kokichi and Miu were selfishly withholding the weapons that could get everyone out of here in a heartbeat, Kaito was still trying to understand Kokichi and made an unsuccessful attempt to communicate with him using his fists, Himiko took Tenko’s final words to heart even more, and Gonta continued to be really heartbreakingly desperate to save everyone or be at least a tiny bit useful, but maybe we managed to soften that a little by finishing his FTEs and becoming such good friends with him.

Now, it’s nighttime, and we all know what that means.

Shuichi:  (Alright, time to go to training. Kaito and Maki should be in the courtyard.)

It’s time for more adorable friendship!

When Shuichi arrives there, Kaito is wincing in pain.

Shuichi:  “Kaito? What’s wrong? Do you have to go to the bathroom again?”

This is an even clearer indication that Shuichi really knew yesterday that Kaito’s bathroom trip wasn’t for the usual reason. If it was, then there’d be no reason to assume that he’d need to go again right now, especially not upon seeing him apparently in pain. Shuichi absolutely knows something’s not right and just doesn’t want to think about it too hard.

Kaito:  “…”

Interestingly, Kaito doesn’t immediately reassure Shuichi that he’s totally fine. Perhaps he knows that there’s no way he’s going to be able to exercise at all tonight and is worrying about how to get around that while raising the least suspicion and showing the least weakness to his sidekicks.

Maki:  “He’s been like this, because of what happened.”

I’m not sure why Maki says this, which seems to be implying it has something to do with Kaito punching Kokichi this morning, since that’s the only notable thing that happened recently. It should be pretty clear this has nothing to do with that, Maki? This is probably awkward localisation, but I’m not sure of what.

Shuichi:  “What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”

Kaito:  “No, I’m fine… My stomach just hurts, is all…”

Look at Kaito confirming that he is, in fact, not feeling well, but still insisting that he’s fine anyway. It’s just a minor thing that only means they should do something other than exercise tonight; it’s definitely not that it’s a serious problem or that it’s getting to him at all, nope, no way.

Kaito:  “How about the three of us just talk?”

Maki:  “Talk…? About what?”

Kaito:  “Stupid! Nobody decides what they talk about before they start!”

I mean, generally when people end up talking about something without having really decided to, it’s because they never even really decided to talk in the first place and it just kind of happened. If you’re going to up and actively suggest talking as a thing to do, it’s usually because you already have a topic in mind. Of course, that’s not why Kaito suggested talking, which is why he has no idea what to talk about.

Shuichi:  (Kaito picked a random spot in the courtyard, and we all sat down.)

Kaito:  “… So what are we gonna talk about?”

Shuichi:  “Didn’t you just say we didn’t have to decide that?”

Kaito:  “C’mon man, that was… just a joke.”

Yup, turns out that if you actively decide to talk, you kind of do need to decide on a topic. Good job, Kaito. You’re great at this.

Kaito:  “Let’s talk about Maki.”

And of course, Kaito then turns this into another excuse to help out Maki and encourage her to open up further. (Note that he chooses Maki, not Shuichi. He doesn’t think Shuichi needs that any more.)

Kaito:  “For example… what blood type do you like?”

Maki:  “What blood type do I like? Don’t you mean… what’s my blood type?”

Kaito:  “Hm? Did I say something weird? Well, whatever! Ahahahahaha!

Maki:  “…”

Shuichi:  “Kaito… you’re kind of bad at this…”

He really is. Kaito is actually just a huge ridiculous awkward goof at anything approaching normal down-to-earth interactions and it’s adorable.

Shuichi:  “Well, I *have* been meaning to ask… When we first met, you said you were the Ultimate Child Caregiver. Why was that?”

Kaito:  “Shuichi, that’s way too direct! You can’t just cut to the chase like that!”

Kind of an indication here that Kaito did eventually intend for this conversation to turn into Maki talking about her issues with them, but he didn’t want to be obvious about that, perhaps because he was worried she still wouldn’t want to open up if he approached it that way. Hence him trying to dance around it with awkward small talk that he’s terrible at.

Kaito:  “Alright then! Let’s play it safe and ask about her favorite spaceship—”

KAITO IS SUCH A DORK. I love that he apparently considers this a go-to conversation starter, because obviously everyone has a favourite spaceship, right?

But of course, Maki, being oblivious to social awkwardness, isn’t bothered by Shuichi’s forwardness and just starts answering his question anyway. She is ready to open up!

The BGM piece that starts playing as Maki starts telling her story is a melancholy one called Heartless Journey, which is the Japanese title of chapter 5, meaning it’s nominally chapter 5’s theme. This isn’t the first time it’s been heard, and some of the previous times included moments in chapter 3’s training scenes that were centred on Maki, so perhaps this is partially a Maki-related theme. That’s probably not a coincidence, considering the large role she plays in chapter 5.

Maki:  “For some reason… kids like me. But I’m not particularly fond of taking care of them.”

Kaito:  “Maybe that suits you better than being an assassin.”

Maki:  “It’s not a matter of whether it suits me or not. I never had the right to choose from the start.”

She’s admitted it! She’s finally, explicitly admitted that she never chose this for herself.

Kaito definitely always knew this from the start, so him suggesting that it’s about what “suits” her isn’t him obliviously assuming that she ever thought being an assassin suited her. I imagine that he instead says this because he’s already thinking a few steps past the part where Maki admits she never wanted this and is trying to encourage her to start thinking about what she does want, to which obviously being a child caregiver would be a more appealing choice than killing people.

Maki:  “When I was around 10 years old, these strangers started visiting the orphanage…”

SHE WAS TEN WHEN THEY FORCED HER INTO THIS. God, that is so fucked up.

Maki:  “I didn’t want to go, but I heard they would donate a huge sum of money if I did… I remember thinking that I had to go.”

This is a misleading way of putting it that’s going to be corrected by something she says in just a little bit. It’s not remotely that she wanted those kids to be able to live in the lap of luxury.

Maki:  “I think I had some natural talent to begin with, but I worked incredibly hard as well.”

I appreciate that this Danganronpa universe (even if I’m talking about the in-universe universe here, since their talents are technically not real), actually tries to have characters whose talents were mostly earned through effort. Kaede was the biggest example of that, but she’s not the only one. The Hope’s Peak universe having a thing about how (most) talents are basically just superpowers that someone is born with and never did anything to earn really kind of bugged me.

Maki:  “If I couldn’t keep up as an assassin, the orphanage would no longer receive funding.”

This is the real truth of it. A later FTE of hers will make it explicit that the assassin cult was the only source of money for the orphanage. If she didn’t do this, those kids would be left homeless and starving. She had no remotely reasonable choice in the matter, especially not since she was ten.

Maki really is the Ultimate Child Caregiver after all. Not because of how good she is at taking care of those kids, but because of how much she was willing to sacrifice for them.

Maki:  “But after vomiting and crying over and over again, my heart gradually became empty. Eventually… I got used to it. It was the same after my first job. For a while, I couldn’t eat or sleep. But after doing this for such a long time, I felt numb.”

So, really, all the hellish training didn’t make her heart “empty” at all. If she truly had no heart after the training, her first kill wouldn’t have affected her like that. All she was really learning to do was suppress her pain more and more – but when she started dealing with a different kind of pain, she had to learn how to suppress that pain from scratch too.

Maki:  “There were times I wondered why I had to kill these strangers… But I eventually stopped thinking about that.”

Because wondering why makes their deaths seem unfair and unnecessary, and if she doesn’t think about that then it doesn’t hurt as much.

Maki:  “I adapted to the lifestyle… of killing people… of stealing their lives… And… of being a horrible person.”

Guh, she’s so blunt about hating herself. But still, the fact that she’s even admitting that she hates herself is a huge step forward. You’re getting there, Maki Roll.

Maki:  “What would I have been like if I stayed at the orphanage? I still think about that… all the time.”

The real reason she thinks this all the time has to be that she’s secretly still wishing she could have stayed at the orphanage and had a normal life. But she can’t properly admit that to herself, because the only way she’s been able to cope with this is by accepting it as her reality and resigning herself to it.

Shuichi:  (Maki sighed deeply after baring her soul.)

Maki:  “…That’s all. It wasn’t an interesting story to listen to, was it?”

Maki. Gah. The way she keeps being so dismissive about her own suffering like it’s the most boring and trivial thing out there is heartbreaking. Of course it makes sense that this is how she’s coping, but still.

Shuichi:  “‘Interesting’? No, Maki, that was… The burden you’ve been carrying all this—”

Aww, Shuichi, trying to tell Maki that her burdens matter. If only he knew…

Kaito:  “Geez. You’re carrying way too many burdens for someone so small.”

…just how excruciatingly hypocritical Kaito is being about how much his burdens matter right now.

(But Kaito says that Maki is too “small” for her burdens. That’s not the case with him, right? He’s a big, inspiring hero, so he’s supposed to be able to deal with his burdens all on his own, isn’t he?)

Kaito:  “Well, I could say the same to Shuichi…”

Can you, Kaito? Are you sure Shuichi isn’t big enough and strong enough by now to carry his own burdens all by himself? Are you sure he still needs your help with them?

(Shuichi does. But.)

Kaito:  “Don’t try to shoulder everything on your own. You gotta trust other people.”

This brings up a contrast between Maki and Shuichi. Maki never shared her burdens with anyone until recently because she didn’t trust anyone. Shuichi was already trusting enough that he was looking for someone to help him carry his burdens from the beginning, leading him to get so attached to Kaede and then Kaito so quickly.

But also, what Kaito is unintentionally saying with this is that… he doesn’t trust his sidekicks, if he’s not willing to share his burdens with them? And as inconceivable for Kaito as that sounds, it is true, in a way – he doesn’t trust that they would still have faith in him and depend on him if they knew what he was struggling with. Why would they want to share their burdens with someone who can’t carry his own?

Kaito:  “Once you’re able to share your burdens with your friends, then you’ll be stronger.”

And now Kaito’s unintentionally implying that by not sharing his own burdens, he doesn’t even want to become stronger. And in a way… that’s kind of true too. He wants to be strong, but he doesn’t want to have to go through the process of getting stronger, not in front of his sidekicks. He has to be strong right now, or they won’t be able to rely on him.

Kaito:  “Well, if Maki Roll was able to talk this much, it means she’s gotten a bit stronger already.”

Maki:  “…It might be thanks to the training.”

All of his own issues aside, though, of course Kaito is proud of Maki for coming this far, and Maki finally somewhat admitting that it’s thanks to Kaito’s help is adorable. That probably means a lot more to him than he’s letting on.

Kaito:  “Well, obviously! My training’s based on a systematic method!”

Shuichi:  “That’s… kind of vague.”

Yes. The most systematicest of methods. You definitely know exactly what you’re doing, Kaito. Shuichi is totally convinced.

It is maybe notable the way that Kaito responds to Maki finally admitting that he’s helped her by being ridiculous and over-the-top instead of just sincerely accepting her thanks. Like he still doesn’t think this is enough, and he needs to do even more for her and be that invincible luminary he constantly tries to be.

Shuichi:  (We spent a long while talking about whatever came to our minds. Most of it was meaningless conversation, but…)

(did Kaito find an excuse to talk about his favourite spaceship after all)

Shuichi:  (It might have been the first time I was able to actually have fun and forget this place.)

THEY’RE FRIENDS. Friendship is exactly what you need to help you cope with an awful situation like this. I love these three so much.

Look at how adorable they are. Even Maki is smiling.

Shuichi:  (To protect my friends… I need to reveal the truth of this academy. I need to face the truth and reveal it to the world. I have to… to keep my friends alive.)

As lovely as it is that Shuichi is so determined to protect them… he doesn’t necessarily need to find the truth of this academy to do so. All they need to do is escape. Especially in Kaito’s case, since he’s dying and what he really needs the most right now is to get to a hospital A-fucking-S-A-P. If Shuichi knew that, then that would almost certainly spur him to forget about finding the truth per se and just focus on coming up with a plan to get them out of there as fast as he can.

What I’m getting at is: Kaito’s stubborn, idiotically selfless insistence on carrying his burdens all by himself is literally the reason he dies.

(His illness is not incurable, since it’s not really a mysterious space virus from a meteorite at all. It was given to him by Team Danganronpa, and not only would they have needed to vaccinate the rest of the cast so that nobody caught it off him (since everyone else is supposed to be immune), they also wouldn’t have wanted to risk him giving a deadly incurable disease to a “real person” on the production staff. They’d have made sure to pick a virus that medical science knows plenty about how to deal with. They could totally step in and save Kaito any time they wanted and are choosing not to because his impending death is making an entertaining story.)

Meanwhile, Kokichi is plotting with Monokuma.

Kokichi:  “This fun and vicious killing game is the only thing on my mind!”

Technically, that’s not a lie. He may hate it, but he very much has become single-mindedly obsessed with “winning” it on his terms, which is exactly why he’s about to launch into this needlessly convoluted plan which will cause multiple unnecessary deaths instead of just ditching the killing game altogether and helping everyone escape right now.

Monokuma:  “With that said, you’re not even gonna try and use that motive?”

What were you expecting him to do with it, Monokuma? I mean, as it turns out, he is planning to use that motive to incite a murder, which is exactly why he’s asking for Monokuma’s help here, but if he hadn’t done this then I have no idea how else Monokuma was expecting him to use the knowledge of the supposedly-dead outside world to kill anyone.

Kokichi:  “Ah-haha, you don’t get it… A crazy motive like this should be used in a more… dramatic way, no?”

This here is Kokichi basically saying “the story you were trying to write for this chapter sucks; let me write you a better one”. ‘Cause, I mean, he’s right.

And by doing that he’s just playing right into Monokuma’s hands, good fucking job Kokichi, I thought the goal of your plan was to anger him, not make him happy. He may be telling himself he’s only co-operating with Monokuma temporarily for the sake of his plan, but in doing so he’s still co-operating with Monokuma and giving him exactly what he wants. Kokichi knows by now that this is all fiction and that therefore Monokuma’s main goal must be to make the most exciting story he can manage, and yet he’s doing this anyway. This is the first reason of several that his plan is actually kind of terrible.

Monokuma:  “You can trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. It’s the honest ones you wanna watch out for…”

Meanwhile, here’s a rare Monokuma Theater that’s meaningful for a reason other than breaking the in-universe fourth wall. Since this is the last Monokuma Theater before Gonta becomes a murderer, I’m pretty sure it’s talking about him.

Monokuma:  “Cuz you can never predict when they’re gonna do something… incredibly stupid.”

Like try to mercy-kill everyone because they’ve been tricked into genuinely believing it’s the only way to save them from despair. Yeah, that kind of thing does rather creep up on you without warning from those honest people, doesn’t it.

Monokuma:  “By the way, the recent trend of encouraging honesty is actually a lie. You see, it’d better for liars if there are more honest people in the world to deceive.”

Exactly. It’s talking about precisely the kind of honest person that Gonta is – someone who’s so honest that it never occurs to them that other people aren’t, which is why he’s so tragically gullible.

Monokuma:  “They’ve been lying about that trend so there can be more stupid honest people.”

Not that Kokichi is responsible for Gonta being gullibly honest here, but man, I absolutely wouldn’t put it past him to do that kind of thing in another situation to get himself more people to take advantage of like he does with Gonta.

The next morning, before heading out of the dorms, I examined Kaito and Maki’s doors.

Shuichi:  (Last night was really fun… Spending time with Kaito and Maki was strange… in a good way. Perhaps all thanks to Kaito’s ridiculousness.)

Did you know they’re friends! And it’s also great that he emphasises that it’s Kaito’s ridiculousness that brought this about. Not his strength, not him being a hero like he keeps trying to be – just him being the ridiculous dork that he is.

Shuichi:  (I wonder if Maki had fun that night too… No, I’m positive she did. Because I’ve never seen Maki’s face so calm before.)

Maki was happy as well! I like how Shuichi is aware of this because of how calm she looked – usually Maki’s constantly guarded and has all kinds of mental walls up to protect herself, but around the two of them, she feels safe and able to just be herself without being afraid of what they’ll think of her.

On the way to the dining hall, there is a Kaito! This is actually the only time we ever bump into him in the morning like this. I guess usually he just heads straight to the dining hall to set a good example for meeting up, but today he’s got something on his mind.

Kaito:  “Like I said before, my training is based on a systematic method.”

Yes, and we all definitely believed you when you said that.

Kaito:  “Even if I don’t need it myself, in order for you two to grow…”

Of course Kaito doesn’t need any extra training, right. He’s totally fine and already strong enough and doesn’t have any worries at all.

Kaito:  “I feel like we should add something like martial arts or some kind of mental training…”

I’m really not sure how necessary this is, when last night’s “training” being just sitting around and chatting like normal friends probably helped more than anything else has. I think this is less about extra training being genuinely needed, and more about Kaito trying to show that his sidekicks still need him, that he can still help them out and make a difference by training them like this.

I mentioned before that I really love both of the bonus scenes in this chapter, but one thing that’s especially fun about them is that they’re essentially parallels of each other. The first one was nominally about Himiko’s growth, but was also about Gonta being desperate to be useful in even the slightest way. This one is going to be nominally about Maki’s growth – but it’s also about Kaito being desperate to be useful too.

Another point of note is that Kaito clearly hadn’t thought of this during their hangout yesterday evening or he’d have suggested it then, so he must have been thinking about it at some point during the night. Meaning… he probably hasn’t been able to get much sleep, has he. And of course Kaito would take his mind off his own sleeplessness and the reasons for it by thinking about how best to keep helping his sidekicks.

Kaito:  “Alright! Let’s not wait till night! We’re gonna do this special training as soon as possible!”

Which is really because, A, this is a bonus scene and those don’t happen at night, and, B, nighttime is going to be the trip to the Virtual World and the murder. But even so, it’s totally in character for Kaito to want to do this and prove to his sidekicks that he can still help them out as soon as he can.

Miu and Kokichi aren’t at breakfast. Miu is almost certainly working overtime on the computer to set up her murder plot. Kokichi… most likely doesn’t want to give anyone the sense that he’s plotting something too and make people try and talk him out of it before it’s about to happen. Maybe he’s afraid that Kaito really will get through to him if he keeps giving him a reason to keep trying to.

Gonta:  “Gonta still thinking… since yesterday… How can Gonta be useful? But… Gonta no can think of anything! So… frustrating!”

Gontaaaa. Even helping Himiko with her training yesterday (if we pretend that the game’s writing would acknowledge that despite it being an optional scene) wasn’t nearly enough for him.

Kaito:  “Okay, but you don’t need to make such a scary face… Besides… it’s not just you. That’s something we all gotta think about.”

Yes. It really isn’t just Gonta, is it now, Kaito.

Himiko:  “Use your self-destruct system to save us. That’s how robots make themselves useful.”

By the way, why on earth is Himiko such a robophobe? We already put up with enough of Keebo being pointlessly bullied by Kokichi; why did the writers feel the need to have another character who should be much less inclined to do so randomly be an uncalled-for dick to him too? Himiko is otherwise not an unkind person. What the hell.

…That said, this particular line is also maybe foreshadowing, since it is Keebo’s self-destruct which finally blows a hole in the wall. He could almost certainly do it just using his laser gun without sacrificing himself, though.

Tsumugi:  “I’ll… keep thinking about it too. If I come up with a good idea, I’ll tell you guys.”

Yes, Tsumugi, I’m sure you’re trying your absolute hardest to help us.

Kaito:  “Now that that’s settled, let’s eat! If you don’t eat well, you can’t think well!”

I wonder how much food Kaito has actually been able to keep down lately. Probably not much.

Shuichi:  (We were completely unaware… that an unspeakable malice was brewing.)

Hello again, future-Shuichi who ominously knows more than present-Shuichi and is just here to tease us. This is also really not that necessary, since the audience just saw Kokichi plotting with Monokuma and therefore already knows that something big and most likely painful is just around the corner.

Anyway, time to do Kaito’s bonus training with Maki!

A weird thing about the staging of this scene is that for some reason, Kaito is directly behind Maki relative to where Shuichi is standing, meaning that when the camera pans between them, it has to awkwardly zoom in and out through Maki’s sprite. It’s distracting.

Maki is not amused by the fact that the training involves a sword. She tells Kaito (who wasn’t there when she told Shuichi about it before) that she once botched a mission with one.

Kaito:  “Oh, I see…”

Maki:  “Don’t make that face. I know you didn’t mean any harm by it.”

Kaito:  “No, it’s my fault for making you remember something that makes you feel bad.”

Here’s Kaito essentially apologising for this, even though he had no idea it would make her feel bad and could not possibly have made any more of an effort to not do so. Shuichi maybe owes Maki a brief apology, since he’s the one who suggested using the sword to train and should have remembered this, but Kaito has nothing to apologise for. Yet he’s doing it anyway, because he upset his sidekick. There’s that exception to his usual principles again.

Kaito:  “Alright! Tell us about it now! I’ll listen to all of it!”

Naturally, Kaito then turns this around into another excuse to help Maki open up and talk about her problems. And it’s also notable the way he specifies that he’ll listen to it. Look, he’s being helpful to his sidekicks, even if all he’s doing is listening!

Kaito:  “It’s difficult to talk to people about your failures. I get it.”

Yeah, Kaito. You definitely get that, more than most. Heroes aren’t supposed to fail, after all.

Kaito:  “But didn’t I tell you? Being able to share your burdens with others… that’s how you get stronger!”

Kaito is still being a huge hypocrite about this. But I don’t think he’s doing this to deflect from his own burdens and lie to himself that obviously he doesn’t have any. I think he’s perfectly aware of his burdens and just genuinely doesn’t think they matter next to those of his sidekicks, because he’s that idiotically selfless – just like Maki didn’t think her own suffering mattered until very recently. This is the exact problem that he’s helping Maki to overcome and yet somehow manages to not realise also applies to himself – not the accepting that he has burdens, but the acknowledging that he shouldn’t have to deal with his burdens on his own and that it’s okay to ask other people for help.

Kaito:  “Don’t hold on to your past forever! You gotta confront it to move on! And I’m gonna help you with that!”

The real reason Kaito’s saying this has nothing to do with the hypocrisy of it. It’s all so that he can encourage Maki and make a big point of how he’s going to help her with her burdens. She still needs him, right?

To Kaito, the big difference between himself and Maki in terms of their burdens is that Maki has nothing to lose and everything to gain by sharing them. But if Kaito shared his burdens, he’s convinced that it’d make him no longer able to help his sidekicks, something he’s already terrified of thanks to the fact that he’s weak and dying. That’s why he’s starting to get more and more insistent about how much he can help them, to cling to that feeling that he’s so afraid of losing.

Maki:  “…What are you saying? You’re ridiculous.”

I dunno, Maki. Kaito is often ridiculous, but there are a lot of words that could describe his behaviour right now, and “ridiculous” isn’t really one of them.

Maki:  “Anyway, that failure doesn’t bother me anymore.”

Maybe she’s calling him ridiculous because to her, the failure really isn’t a big deal and she’s bewildered at the way Kaito’s acting like it’s some huge difficult burden that she’d even need his help with. Which does kind of serve to show how overzealously unnecessary this endeavour of Kaito’s is.

Maki:  “Just be warned, it’s a boring story.”

Maki, your stories are many things, but they are never boring.

Maki:  “For this particular target, he normally worked late into the night… But when I looked further into his schedule, I found out he was into some nerdy hobbies.”

Kaito:  “Nerdy hobbies? You mean like Tsumugi is?”

Maki:  “Yeah, just like her. He especially liked cosplay.”

Well, isn’t that just a massive coinkydink.

This whole story about Maki’s screwup at a cosplay convention is really just Tsumugi being incredibly self-indulgent when writing her characters’ backstories.

Shuichi:  (Never in a million years would I imagine hearing ‘cosplay’ from Maki’s mouth.)

It’s more likely than you think, Shuichi.

Maki:  “Unfortunately… I had the same height and hairstyle as a popular character, who also carried a katana.”

Hairstyle, sure, but I don’t see why people would think that her having the same height meant she was cosplaying that character. Height is one of the few things a cosplayer can’t hope to match about their subject, short of maybe slight adjustments by wearing platform shoes or something. (And yes, I know Tsumugi can apparently somehow magically change her height to cosplay her characters, but funnily enough most cosplayers aren’t actual fucking shapeshifters.) If Maki commented that it was also her clothes that were similar to the character, that’d make a lot more sense.

Please appreciate how noticeably younger Maki looks here. She was murdering people back when she was, I don’t know, twelve, thirteen? Gah.

There’s also the part where I highly doubt Maki would have been able to get a real katana past the security at a cosplay convention – apparently such things often confiscate even clearly-fake props just in case – buuut since this didn’t really happen and is just Tsumugi being self-indulgent, I can let it slide.

Kaito:  “Hahaha! I was wondering what this ‘serious failure’ of yours was going to be!”

You were the only one acting like it was a “serious” failure that she definitely needed your support with in the first place, Kaito.

Maki:  “Don’t laugh… For me, it was very serious… I was branded as a failure, because of something so stupid. If they didn’t donate to the orphanage anymore… then it would’ve… been the end…”

But maybe it really was more serious to Maki than she was trying to tell herself earlier, now that she’s properly remembered it again. Those assholes in the cult wouldn’t give a fuck about the awkward circumstances and would only see it as her failing to complete her mission.

Kaito:  “Yeah, you’re right… that’s not funny. I’m really sorry for laughing…”

Shuichi:  “Yeah, me too… Sorry for laughing, Maki.”

Aww. They both completely understand after last night how important that orphanage is to her and how much of a big deal this must have been.

(At least Kaito is correct to be apologising here. For once.)

Maki:  “Y-You don’t need to apologize. I’m not mad.”

(Maki turned her head to the side with a pout.)

Hee, pouty Maki Roll. She’s being a person!

Shuichi:  (There’s still so much I don’t know about Maki and Kaito… I hope Maki is right. We can learn more about each other after we get out… No. We will become friends! We will definitely get out of here!)

As adorable as this is, it’s also awkward that Shuichi is talking like they’re not already friends. Of course they are! They’ll just be able to be even better friends when they escape! (Which all three of them are definitely going to be able to do, right. Gaaghjfsghjdfk Kaito you selfless idiot.)

Shuichi:  (After a bout of training with the sword, I returned to my room.)

They did end up training with it after all! Even if Maki doesn’t like using swords on missions, she’s still trained in how to use them, so I’m sure she ended up leading the training session and teaching Shuichi and Kaito a few things. (If Kaito… even actually participated. It’s entirely likely he used his excuse of “I totally don’t need any training” to avoid the truth that he’s just in too much pain to be doing any exercise right now.)

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#danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #drv3 #ndrv3 #chapter 4 #daily life #commentary

[supersoldierslover]

Hard Feelings Part 2

Summary:  (Modern Au) After the death of your only living relative, you find yourself lost in life and your feelings. To make things worse, you have to deal with Steve Rogers someone from your past that is more present in your life now than ever.

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Words: 1880

Warnings:  Nothing I can think of besides a little of fluffy and sadness

Part 1

You wake up with softly knocks on your door; you sit in your bed feeling sick. You feel awful, your head hurts because you cried all night and you have this sadness inside you that you can’t explain to anyone.

You put your hair in a ponytail, before opening the door. You are shocked to see your best friend, Wanda there with a tray full of food. She was supposed to be in Brazil, exploring the beaches and the culture with her boyfriend not here with you.

“I missed you so much.” You say taking the tray of her hands and putting on the bed “What are you doing here?” You ask hugging her, for the first time in the last few days you feel like things might be alright “I couldn’t let you go for all this alone, what type of best friend, would I be?”

“Thank you for being in here.” You say sitting on the bed, looking at how much food had on the tray that she brought you. She was crazy if she thought you would eat all this “How are you feeling? And don’t smile at me and say you are fine. How are you really felling?”

You shrug how you can put in the words the emotional mess you are right now “Honestly, Wan… I don’t know. These last couples of days were crazy, I cried a lot, I feel empty… And for a few minutes I feel fine but then I remember that she is dead and that I am all alone. So I feel guilty and then I cry a little more.”

She pulls you into another hug “I am sorry, I know that you are going to feel better with time, sweetie. But you need to take care of yourself, when was the last time you eat something?” You give her a half smile; you know that she is not going to like your answer.

“I don’t know, a full meal a few days but yesterday I am pretty sure that eat a bagel.”  She rolls her eyes at you before saying “Eat, now.” You agree, afraid to say that you are not really hungry. You look at the tray and there all your favorites, orange juice, hot chocolate, pancakes, strawberries and bananas cut on the side.

“Yes mom, I will.” You say sarcastic taking a sip of the hot chocolate “Thank you for cooking, by the way. You are truly the best.” She laughs, stealing a strawberry from your plate “Do you think I was the one that did all this?”

“Who else would be?” As soon as the words leave your mouth, you remember that Steve spent the night with you in the house “I wasn’t going to say anything, in respect of your, Nana. But do you care to explain why when I got here this morning there was a six-foot tall beefcake cooking you breakfast, only in his underwear in your kitchen?”

“No?” You asking hoping she would drop the subject, you can’t explain why he was only in his underwear cooking for you. You are grateful that he was there for you yesterday and that he cared for you enough to feed you but you don’t have any answers.

And a tiny little part of you, wishes that he was the one bringing you breakfast for you this morning. You really want to thank him for yesterday, he didn’t have to be there for you but he was and that means a lot.

“Did you sleep with him?” She asks worried “Of course not, Wanda. Do you really think that Steve Rogers would have sex with me after my grandma’s funeral?’ She shrugs, you can’t see that she regrets asking   “I don’t know, you were vulnerable looking for affection and he was there. You have to admit, knowing you it’s not like it were a crazy idea.”

“Not because of me, you know Steve and we both know that he would never take advantage of me or any other girl.  I asked for him to stay with me because I didn’t want to be alone but he slept in the guest room and he probably was in his underwear because he didn’t want to sleep in his suit.”

“Good, if you slept with him would only make things more confusing.” You nod, you can’t fall in love with Steve Rogers at least no again “Can you help me finish eat all this and then stay with me until I have to meet, Tony?”

“Of course, just for to you know Steve left after he gave me the tray. He said that he would talk with you later.” You nod, taking another sip of the hot chocolate. You manage to avoid, Steve a lot for the last few months only talking with him when necessary and you plan to stay that way.

You and Wanda finish eating making small talk, she tells you a little bit about her trip to Brazil and how she and Vis were even more in love after that trip.  After you eat, you take a few naps until is time for you to meet you grandmother lawyer, Tony.

You change into a pair of jeans and simple white shirt going to the office at the end of the hall, you hated that place every single bad news that you ever received was in there.

When you open the door you see that Tony is already there with, Peggy the chef of the house and one of your Grandma’s oldest friends.

As soon as she sees you, she pulls you into a hug. Outside of your grandmother, she was the closest thing to a maternal figure that you had “I am sorry that I didn’t talk to you yesterday, my head wasn’t in the right place.” You say feeling guilty everyone was suffering from her death not, just you.

“It is okay, cookie. I saw how you were yesterday.” She says letting you go, and sitting on the chair next to the big wooden table. You say hello to Tony, he hugs you as well and says the he is sorry for your loss. You always like, Tony he was a great lawyer with heart of gold.

You hear someone clearing they throat behind you when you turn around you see Steve standing by the door, wearing some jeans and a t-shirt “Good, now that everyone is here we can start.” You take a sit close to, Peggy, with Steve sitting by your side.

“Well, let do this as casual as possible. Nana was very, clear in her wishes and I don’t think anyone would have anything to contest on her wishes.” Tony says this part looking at you after you nod and he continues.

Tony started to talk about her propriety’s, how they all went to you including the Cabin in Vermont where your parents used to live. She also left you a quarter of a billion, leaving a few millions for Peggy and donating the rest of the money to different charities.

“Now this is where gets complicated, she left you her granddaughter 70 percent of the company Désir Cosmetics and the other 30 percent for Steve Rogers and she name it him the CEO of the company as well.”

Steve looks at you surprised, you shrug you don’t know what to say to him. You always knew that your grandma had a soft spot for him and obviously she thought that he was competent enough. This company was a big part of her life, she wouldn’t put in the hands of anyone.

You pick his hand squeezing it “You deserve it, obviously you are the best for the job.” He smiles at you “Thank you, sweetheart.” You think he is going to say something else, but you don’t let him. You don’t want to prolong your stay in this office no longer than necessary, all this talk about your grandmother and business is making you sick.

“Can we continue, Tony?” You ask taking your hand of Steve’s “Yes, my dear, One of her last requests, a very sweet one if I may add she left every one of you a piece of jewelry with a letter.”

Tony gives, Peggy a silver bracelet you remember seeing your Nana wearing a few times but you didn’t have any emotional attached to the piece. Tony looks at you and smiles, he gives you a very delicate silver necklace with a heart pendant and a letter “She also told me that you can pick whatever you wanted from her closet but she wants the rest to be donated to charity.”

You nod looking at the beautiful necklace, you never saw this before but you were sure that you were never going to take it out. By last, Tony gives Steve a box, when Steve opens the box you see a watch, takes you a moment to regionalize that this is just any watch but it is your fathers watch.

Why would she give, Steve something so personal and close to your heart? It is one of the only things that you have from him and she gives away like that. You feel a few tears running down your face, you feel really angry right now “Tony are we done?

All you want it is to get out from here and be alone for a while “You need to sign a few papers but outside from that you are free to go.” You start to read everything he needs you to sign, it’s pretty much stander stuff so you just sign waiting to get out there.

On your room, you feel the tears streaming down your face, why this is so hard? You look at the letter that she gave you, what she could say that could explain her actions, you don’t care about the company, Steve could have half of it and you still wouldn’t mind but your fathers watch looks like some kind of game that you don’t know how to play.

Before you can do anything, Steve barges in your room “Don’t you know how to knock? I could be naked in here.” You notice that his eyes are a little red from crying, for a moment you feel bad for him “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“Stop calling me that.” You take a deep breath before continuing “Nothing that is happening is your fault so stop it… did you read?” You ask pointing to the letter “Yes, did you read yours?” He asks sitting on your bed, you shake your head no. You are still not ready “Did she tell you why she gave you my father’s watch?”

He nods ‘I can give you back, the watch if you want.” You take a deep breath and start to play with your hair trying to calm yourself down “No, she gave for a reason… so keep it. Just be careful ok?”

“I will, and I will leave you alone to read the later.” He says kissing your forehead “Steve can you stop with all the affection, please?  It is confusing as fuck do to everything we… that I went thru.”

He doesn’t answer; he just closes the door leaving, you alone in your room.

Part 3

Please Leave feedback, I really like this series it is one of my favorites that I wrote so far and I believe that you guys will really like. So share your opinions with me. And of course, if you want to be tagged let know.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve x reader #marvel imagine #marvel x reader

[canaryatlaw]

okay, so today was pretty good. I woke up to my alarm at 11:45 for PT, got ready and walked there. The session was fine, nothing very remarkable about it. Afterwards when I was walking home there were people from charities out canvasing which is a fairly common sight, I ended up stopping and talking to a guy from one called People’s Action who are working to end mass incarceration  and advocate for a fairer legal system (I told him up front that I was a student and had no income so I couldn’t donate, but we had a pleasant conversation anyway). We were very much on the same wavelength about things, we talked about the new DA in Philadelphia and how he was instrumental in getting Meek Mills released from prison recently, he was talking about reforms the Chicago SA has been instituting and I was telling him about the JTDC and how there were children locked up in there for sometimes over a year. They’re currently pushing for a bill that’s in the Illinois legislature to end money bail throughout the state, basically meaning if someone is arrested on a low level offense, they would be booked and processed, but then released subject to bail conditions such as ankle monitoring and such, the idea being that nobody stays in jail simply because they can’t afford to pay their way out, which is a huge reason for incarceration and the main cause behind most of the inmates at the Cook County Jail right now (note jail is different than prison, prisons don’t usually house people who are pre-trial). So he gave me the name of that legislation and how I could talk to my elected representatives about supporting it (he said he was pretty sure the rep for where I live was signed on, but it’s always good to let them know we’re supporting their position). So that was a pleasant little discussion (pleasant being a relative term, of course). So I got home and started on my baking projects for the day, one being the bread I wanted to make into cheesy garlic bread. I had bought a package of frozen pizza dough a while back, and there’s a recipe on the back to turn it into italian bread instead, and I had let the last one I had thaw out yesterday so I could cook it today, first I had to split it into two loaves and then leave it to rise for 2-3 hours, so I set that up, then started working on my caramels. It was the same recipe I used before and liked, I’ve just learned to change up the temperatures according to how I like them lol mainly leaving them on longer so they get harder and chewier, which is how I like them. there were a few potentially dicey moments when I was adding the heavy cream and butter (if you’ve ever made caramel before you know when you add the heavy cream it legit starts bubbling violently and can be rather intense) probably because I added too much too quickly, and it threatened to bubble over but eventually subsided. I then left them on until they got to like 260 instead of 240 like the recipe said before taking it off the stove and pouring it into a pan to harden, then topped it with sea salt because any good caramel has to be salted these days. It was around 4 at that point and they were supposed to sit for 3 1/2 hours, so I had some time obviously. I did the dishes in the sink, then finally started to finish cleaning my room. I had done a good bit of it last week with cleaning up the clothes that were really the main issue, but I just had a lot of other clutter and random things hanging about that I mainly stuffed either under my bed or in my closet, because those are really the only places I have to put stuff, lol. Hopefully this weekend I can get around to pulling out my clothing and deciding what I want to do with what exactly, keep it or hand, or store, or donate, so hopefully that will work out. Around 5:30 when the bread was done rising I put it in the oven, then when it was done I sliced one of the loaves open and started the cheesy garlic bread part, which is actually very easy because it’s only melted butter, garlic powder, and shredded cheese (of course you could go for the more authentic garlic flavoring by using actual garlic, but in my experience the garlic powder tastes fine). Once that was done I sat down on the couch and had some time to kill before Arrow came on, so I watched last week’s Blindspot that I hadn’t gotten around to yet. I think I only have last night’s Krypton to catch up on now, though I’ll have another Blindspot episode to watch tomorrow night, but it’s the season finale so I’m almost done with that. I’m gonna have to find some good shows to binge over the summer when all my shows are over and I need to decompress from bar studying. Soon enough after that it was Arrow time. Now, to be clear, the only reason I was watching was for Dinah Drake, Black Siren, and Sara Lance, I didn't really give a fuck about anybody else (besides like, Quentin, I guess). Oliver I really don’t give a shit about at this point, and even Felicity has become pretty meh to me because they can’t seem to write her as a character independent from her relationship with Oliver. The opening with them attacking the police prescient with the FBI was pretty bad ass, and done really well, so they get credit for that. The episode went on, I was worried for a moment that they were gonna kill off Rene when they had him call his daughter and I was like OH GOD DO NOT DO THIS TO ME so I was glad they got out of there alive. Then there was Quentin clearly only caring about getting Laurel back, and I’m sorry but I refuse to believe you can GPS track A FUCKING PACEMAKER even when I know they’ve done it with someone else on here at some point, but as soon as he said it to Oliver I was like okay that’s gonna be important so it was good that that was picked up soon. I mean, literally everyone knew they were gonna kill Quentin, and that it’d most likely be in the form of him sacrificing himself to save Laurel, so when he quite literally took a bullet for her that wasn’t really a surprise. When she called him “Dad” my heart definitely broke a little bit. Then everyone else stormed in and I was really just wanting Laurel to rip that stupid collar off her neck and scream at Diaz, but actually having Dinah come to her assist and help her get Quentin out of there was like, such a really well done moment for both of them, I loved it. Then of course there was Oliver being stupid with Diaz and not just putting a fucking arrow into him like he should’ve, like you could’ve grabbed that USB data off his neck if he stopped breathing??? We know thinking isn’t your strong suit buddy but come on. Not gonna lie, Laurel coming in and being like “oh, that movie you were talking about, it was old yeller” before literally blasting him off the building with her scream was so fucking great, I just wish it had actually killed him so we didn’t have to deal with anymore of this bullshit. If he’s actually like, a villain next season I’m gonna be pissed because he needs to just be done. Then of course we had everybody at the hospital with Quentin in ~stable~ condition going into surgery, and getting to have a nice long goodbye chat with Oliver, only for them to have Sara show up after he already went into surgery so she didn’t get FUCKING SAY GOODBYE to her FUCKING FATHER and just shows up in time to hear that he’s dead, because has the universe not dealt Sara Lance enough heartbreak already, you really gotta keep killing the people she loves???? that shit pissed me off, because it would’ve been so fucking easy for them to have her there earlier and at least get to say goodbye, this was just being unnecessarily cruel. I did appreciate that she at least got to speak to Black Siren, I would’ve liked a more in-depth conversation but it’s a start at least. I did of course feel for Laurel as well, we know she has to be dealing with a lot of grief and heartbreak based on the relationship her and Quentin had built up over the last season and him quite literally becoming a father to her. And now of course she has nobody, like who is going to help her now? the only other person who maybe would was Oliver, and OH WAIT he’s getting taken off to prison now. I mean, I guess they could have Dinah reach out to her which my DinahSiren shipper heart would adore, I would be really happy if that happened for next season, but I don’t really want to get my hopes up about it. But yeah, about that whole Oliver getting arrested thing. I know I was going on two weeks ago about how brilliant it was that they ended the case the way they did because it put double jeopardy rules into play so they couldn’t try him again, but double jeopardy doesn’t apply to federal charges (which is frankly something a lot of people, myself included, think is unconstitutional, but it’s the law for now), so he could be charged under federal statutes for crimes, however they would have to establish federal jurisdiction over the crimes, such as them occurring on federal land, or a series of other factors, because federal and state jurisdiction isn't always concurrent. It is of course very rare that federal charges are brought after someone is acquitted of state charges for the reasons I outlined above, it may not be double jeopardy by law but a lot of people view it that way regardless. They also made it really unclear as to what his situation was, like was he getting charged and going to trial or had he essentially entered a plea of some sort? I mean, if the charge is for like 35 murders (or however many they can claim federal jurisdiction for) there’s no way he’s getting an actual plea less than life in prison without parole (as opposed to the death penalty) so idk how that would work. but I really didn’t feel emotionally invested in that plot at all because I just didn’t believe the stakes, like sure he may spend a few months in prison until next season starts but we all know he’s going to get out and somehow take up his vigilante identity again. I wasn’t surprised that he went public about being the green arrow, I mean, Oliver did it in season 10 of Smallville so at this point I was pretty sure it was gonna be happening any time now. As far as the scene of him walking through the prison to his cell, that’s bullshit, because they would have him in protective custody being that like half the people in the prison want to kill him. but yeah, I guess that’s where we’re leaving off for now. I honestly really hope they make season 7 the last, it’s a solid place to end a series without it getting too drawn out (because let’s be real, it’s already being drawn out) and at this point I feel like they’re just getting close to Oliver’s narrative journey. Of course the characters can still be a part of the universe and show up in crossovers or just make cameos in the different shows, so it’s not like they'd really be going anywhere permanently. As far as the news coming out of the CW Upfronts today, I did chuckle a little at Supergirl getting moved to the Sunday night slot and Legends permanently taking over Monday (sorry SG fans) and it leading into Arrow, because that’s apparently the way they want to do things now. As far as the fact that Batwoman/Kate Kane is going to be part of the crossover next year, I can’t have much of an opinion there because I’m not terribly invested in the Batman mythos to the point where I’d really have any knowledge about her, the most I’ve really seen was watching Batman The Animated Series and of course that isn’t very much, so I guess we’ll have to see where they go with that. Someone on twitter said Legends should be leading the crossover next season, which I very much agree with, they've definitely earned it at this point. Well, once Arrow was over I just watched the Great British Baking Show Masterclass which is just the two judges making their perfect versions of the different challenges they had the contestants make in the bake off, because it’s very soft and British and does not hurt me the way the Arrowverse does, so that was pleasant, and I watched that until I started getting ready for bed. I have an early morning, it’ll be my first day at my mini internship at the DV Clinic, just on Fridays through the end of June. I would really have liked to have known about the NY job by now so I could have a better idea of how I stand there, but I guess I’ll just have to be pulling out all the stops to make myself the most useful worker that they won’t want me to leave, whether I end up needing a job or not. That’s the plan, anyway, as far as things I’ve already done there I’m pretty good at all of them, I can do OPs of course and I’ve interviewed clients, both over the phone and in person, and of course I can step up in court on status updates and such which it sounds like would be most of what I’m doing in court, so that’s all good. Well, it’s 12:30 am and I have to wake up at 6:55 am to get there by 8:30, so I really should be getting to bed now. Goodnight my loves. Happy Friday. 

#daily journal #May 2018 #Rachel watches Arrow

[myheartbeatskids]

Candy, I ain't gonna let anyone kill you or hurt you

It even Isabella.

You want to die? You need to commit real suicide on your own.

ANYTIME you feel threatened, tell me like always and I promise I'm make sure you're safe.

YES there are still bad cops out. Yes. I know this. I'm trying to do that best I can as fast as I can to get them all arrested.

It's just a little slow. Take your normal precautions and everything is fine.

You are and will be as safe as any of my kids.

Baby Girl, I got a bad mom. I got bad genes. I got a shit ton of kids although my mom punched me straight in the face and broke my nose and said she wasn't having nigger grandbabies. I know where I come from. This was in front of of their daddy that raises them. I come from a bad pwrson..my poor Annabelle got hit with gramma and her dad's genes.

Story, the point of life is.

We aren't all bad. Not at all.

Isabella has her bad days. I have had mine. Sometimes we grow up sooner than later or not at all. Sometimes we regress sometimes we dont.

No one is gonna hurt any kid of Jesse's just cause they're Jesse's.

I gave him money, Chandler, because I knew you were in the womb. I gave him money to help him change and to stop his attacks on me.

So. The point is my darling, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to allow anyone to. I have always protected you from day one.

I know how Jesse is. But you also know me. The real me. So never worry.

My mom is everyday being abusive still. My ex husband not so much but even still, I'm not going to allow him to get away with hurting her.

My mom will die. I hope my ex, too. But whatever. As long as he's punished. Even just public shame in Alamogordo or whatever. As long as he leaves her alone, he's fine.

But how can my daughter know what he did to her and know hes running the streets? That is not okay. He nearly killed her more than once and sexually abused her and punched me on the face knock out when I caught him. Obviously I can't protect her in certain times. I did the best I can.

Just as I did with all my kids.

I wished that my mom be in God's hands and murdered by his own. That can still happen. But I was overruled by popular vote to expedite the 3 months I allowed. Which I do thank God for.

(Candy: 3 months. You gave her three months so I have at least that much, too.

Me: what the Hell have you done?!?!?!

Candy: nothing I'm just like you is all.

***I usually take the worst case scenario and apply it to myself. That way just in case I'm in trouble I know how much trouble I can be in. But we all laughed cause I was all "what the Hell have you done??!" Like Jesus Christ Candy I love you but oh my god you're freaking out!!! But I got her)

So. I don't tell Denise's story. I know it. But more I just try to make sure I memorize it over and over for facts. One day when she's dead and she can no longer throw her joy for hurting me in my face, I will write it. It will be one of the most horrific stories you will read. And yes she is still running around pretending to me be and yes she does know my current secrets because she is an evil dictator and spy. Just like I always say, say "Denise shut up and go away"

Then pray. Pray God takes her into his hands and away from you and ask for peace and justice.

It seriously and honestly works. It can take ten minutes but go move your body around, wash dishes, something while God removes her from your personal space and she will disappear

Then before you know it, couple hours later, you will realize that she had been gone and you forgot about her. And then she appears.

Pray again. You get answered faster This time.

You don't even have to be nice just a simple:

God, get her the Hell away from me!

And guess what? It works on me, too. For me and on me.

Guess what else? These horrible people are alive and have to be murdered because they want an eye for an eye. They want us to have to do to them what rhey have done to us. They want us to commit acts they know we dam them for so they can turn to us and say we are hypocrites.

I'm not sorry: killing a loving husband and two innocent infants and killing the person that killed them is two completely different things. And it's not just revenge. It's self defense of the entire planet. To keep others safe.

**********~~~~~~~~~~~♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤☆

Yes we can pray. And like I just said about Denise we have to do it over and over. I don't get fucking paid to baby sit her. The FBI does. And they do the best they can. Sometimes I can't pray I'm busy or I can't breathe or my heart is messed up and I cant. So they pray for me or distract her or whatever. It's not like we didn't ask God to respect us and not have to kill her. We do. Everyday.

So like I said, I will never allow a good person to die on my watch.

I have saved horrible beings lives. Most of the people I have told about (I have not been told about so I can't tell about everyone) I have saved their lives each at least once. Physically from death. Even Alexis Dejoria. So believe me. It's not just some random sniper shooting. This is real. With inches and inches of paperwork.

I'll tell the truth. Sometimes i question. Sometimes I feel bad. But the only thing I tell myself and for me it is the most calming thing in the entire world, for me. Is that:

They have years and years of investigation, proof, evidence. Some decades of proof of who these people are.

So while sometimes, even i, feel like maybe this is wrong. Maybe this is playing god, I know when I die and I have to face the real God or whatever word you want to use to explain the force which keeps us on Earth. I will say "you didn't fix the paperwork. You didn't give the fucking manual correctly. You didn't edit it. What the Hell was i supposed to do?!?!" And I also take in the fact that maybe I tell people how to kill and/or torture these truly bad people, I did not do it. The people with the paperwork chose to do it.

I question the executioner. Everytime. I know them. I know why they do it. They love me. They love God (science is still God). They love theirselves. They love their soon to be dead.

They make sure they know that they will die. They will be physically tortured until they are completely dead. They are asked to sign a DNR order. IF the refuse to sign the paperwork, then the guards will make sure they do not do anything to cause immediate death that they cannot stop a person from dying from.

They get counseling. They get the choice, a month or less of physical torture that equals what they did to someone else or a life in prison.

Others do just escape and steal food that is not quite healthy. Because it's an eye for an eye. So they learn that you cannot steal. If you steal you're hurting someone thus they get hurt. But also they do get food dropped by helicopter that is healthy. Although is limited in calories (about 900 per day)

I have already said all of this. But I'm are that it was overlooked by many due to shock.

This last one that had kidnapped Annabelle. She did end up paralyzed. Then yesterday was woken from her coma. She was put into a medical coma. So. She did sign a DNR after she was paralyzed (with the pen in her mouth). But it was what she wanted for me. She "joked" about my radio frequency ablation to cause me to be paralyzed and even storm in and do it herself or demand it to be done while my doctor was held at gun point. So. That's what happened to her. I did not know this. I only knew who she was. Not even as my daughter's kidnapper. Just as someone just like my mom who was into incest with her sons and husband. That's all I knew. I remembered her. I knew her disgusting character. I didn't find out until yesterday she was the one that kidnapped my kid or that she was even in a coma.

So I am kept in the loop but I do not create it although I do make suggestions. Like she had AB+ Blood so I was all let her donate it while she's alive - all of it. They don't have to listen but they do. That's a rather boring death but it is quick and they did do what they needed to do to keep her basically have a good painless death.

She couldn't feel anything anyways. So when she watched all of her organs be harvested from her body, in hopes that maybe God will give her a good life after death, she could be proud and hopeful. (This was her choice to occur. She signed she wanted this procedure)

And the people medically working on her, actually wanted that. They're good people. They really are. They talk to them step by step. Ask them if they are okay. Sometimes it's all really caring and when it's admitted there is suffering the medical guard just says "Good. Remember who the real victim is and remember you deserve this for doing it to someone else"

So just be good and the best you do for others will be returned.

#karma which by the way. Matt tried to piss me off this morning by making me depressed and hurting my feelings and life and making me angry so that he could take some cool angry photos. That shit blew up in his face and all i did was make him laugh and look sexy. Totally what he did NOT want. So don't fuck with me.

*i did eventually help him get to what he needed to be at but he struggled for real. And then I had to go to sleep so Mark J.R. Knew where to take him cause I told him. So.

Yeah. I'm the nicest person in the world but your karma does matter.

[thegraphitesword-blog]

Pride Month Prompt 3/30: First Date

Fandom: Dear Even Hansen

Relationship: Jarsen

Notes: okay so this one is late because I spent yesterday in the ER so......don’t kill me.

More Notes: This is post Connor project. Even has finally saved enough for his first semester of college and finds a familiar but unhappy face in the mix with his four roommates. Tyler, and Mathew are  just made up, so yeah. This will be a little longer than most of most. Jared is really going to hate his guts for a while and Even will just take the beating. Headcannon  neither of them know they were set up for their first date.

Prompt: First Date

Pov: 1st Even Hansen

Life had fallen semi-back into place, after the hype of the Connor Project died down. The Murphy’s didn’t say anything about me writing Connor’s “suicide” note, so there was minimum backlash, on that respect.

The Murphy’s of course pretended that I was the one who died. Alana refused to look at me, and Jared didn’t even attempt to say anything, not even to save his car insurance. But, being alone was just how things were, before and after Connor’s fake relationship with me.

so, once again I was a blip on the radar of high school, I started taking my medication again and saw the therapist more often and thankfully stopped writing those “Dear Even Hansen” letters.

Honestly, the whole Connor debacle  made high school easier. Not because I was more than just a nameless face oe even because people even acknowledged me. No....it was because, once the lie came out to the people who needed to hear it, I didnt have to keep lying.

Now, that didn't curb my anxiety or make graduating any easier, but once I moved to college. the Connor Project was a tiny memory in my rattling brain.

Connor Murphy on the other hand would always have a special place in my brain and heart.

Mom had just dropped me off at the round about near the entrance of my dorm.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come up?”

The red flags were flaring, but I shakily declined.

“love you, mom.”

“Love you too, honey.”

as she drove away, I could feel my nervousness rush past the thresh hold to straight on anxiety. The my dorm had maybe 9 stories and it was in the midst of a circle of equally tall buildings.

“Ho boy.”

I didn’t have to bring much up, so I carried my two boxes to the entrance to Sycamore Hall (I was so happy the halls were all named after trees or plants). I had gotten my key already, I waited in the ridiculous line for the elevator, which was a mistake considering everyone was using the single elevator. 

After what felt like hours, I made it to Level 3 and carefully walked through the throng of excited freshman. My room was in the middle of the hall  312. On the door was 4 cut outs of fruit. Cherry was for Mathew, Melon for Tyler, Lemon for Jared and an Apple for me. I hadn’t actually met my roommates, so this was going to be yet another ordeal.

I take a breathe and kick the door considering my hands were full.

“Door’s open.” a guy calls out.

I stare at the door trying to figure out what to do. i stand there flustered until after maybe five minutes the door swings open.

“Jared, this better not be you.....oh, hey you must be Even.”

“I.....um....y-yes.”

He smiles taking the boxes from me, “Sorry about that, I thought you were fucking Jared, being a dick. i’m Mathew Trime. You’ll be my bunk mate.”

He carries my stuff through an open room leading off to four others. Two had doors, one was obviously a bathroom and the other rooms. Matthew lead me to the far room that was covered in boxes, and had two beds.

“I already pick this bed, if that’s chill with you?”

“Oh, um, yes.”

“Yo, Tyler. Get your ass away from that game and meet Even...um what’s your last name?”

“Um, H-Hansen.”

“Even Hansen.”

Some one comes running ad a racially mixed lanky guy ran in, “Hansen....Even Hansen from the Connor Project.”

I felt myself panicking, “Um......yes.”

“Dude, that speech you gave was awesome. I donated like 100 dollars.”

Matthew laughed, “ of your sisters sweet 16 money.”

Tyler pouted, “I payed her back.”

They busted up, and i played with the hem of rmy shirt. “So, you know each other?”

They nodded, “Since like four years ago. Freshman entrance exams.”

“This guys nearly got caught cheating.” Tyler said laughing.

“Emphasis on nearly.”

I felt like I might have just made a good impression, but I honestly couldn’t tell. I was going to say something, but the door busted open.

“Sup, dickwads! Brought some food. Am I best or am I.”

“Uh Yeah, who do you takes us for Jared.”

They ran out and I peeked out of my room and my heart stopped. Despite barely seeing and not speaking for almost a year hey looked the same. Same glasses and short stocky build. Same goofy and sin filled smile.

I back up and felt like crying.

“Yo, Jared our last room mate is here. Even....um....”

“Hansen.” Matthew said with his mouth full.

“Wait....” Jared whispered.

The jig was up and I peeked out. “H-Hi.....Jared.”

HIs eyes narrowed, “I guess the rat comes out of hiding. wait you’re worse than a rat.”

Tyler looked worried, “You guys knew each other?”

Jared scoffed, “I guess that’s a way to put it.”

“Jared.....I’m......s-so-”

He cut me off storming to his room and slamming the door.

Tyler, “Yo, don’t touch my game.”

“What was that about.”

But, Even was already imploding, then exploding, then imploding again. He couldn’t breath to the point his vision had black spots. He tried to spit something out, but ind=stead he just ran. I ran through the hallway and just kept running til i literally tripped over my feet and fell.

“no no no this can’t be happening.”

I scrambled for the emergency anxiety pills in my pocket, even though it’s not recommended by his doctor. That was hen I realized that the little container was......empty.

“Of course. of fucking course.”

I looked around and found a bench to at least keep myself from falling to my knees.

“Breathe.....breathe.”

I tried my best to stop the hyperventilating and though it sorta worked, I debated calling my Mom to take me home. I couldn’t spend a year let alone a semester with Jared Kleinman. The guy I hurt so badly, who helped me lie to the world, to the Murphy’s.

I pulled my phone out and hovered over my Mom’s number, when I heard my name.

“Hansen!”

“Yo, Even.”

I look up and Tyler and Matthew were running towards me.”

“gG-Guys?”

“Hey, don’t worry. Jared told us you have some like.....anxiety thing or something. We came running.”

Wait.....Jared said that?

“Um......yeah. It’s um....s-social a-anxiety.”

Tyler sits down next to me, “Did you it have to with Jared.”

“What? No nonono, it’s......more than that.”

Matthew shrugged, “He didn’t say why either.”

Tyler offered me a hand and hauled me up, “Let’s go back. We gotta work this out. “

“Wait, wait, no.”

“Dude” Matthew laughed, “We’re going to be living together for the next like 5 month. you two can’t just aviod each other.”

They didn’t listen to my objections and dragged me back to room 312. Someone had torn off my apple, which i guessed who, but i didn’t hurt as much as me trying to apologize to Jared.

Tyler knocked on his door and Jared yelled, “Fuck off.”

“Jared it’s me. It’s my room too jackass.”

He groaned and opened the door. We walked inside and Matthew slammed the door closed not letting a way for escape.

“What the hell?” Jared and I said in unison.

“You two are going to hash things out and become tolerable roommates, until then, none of us are leaving.”

“No,” Jared said.

“Not an option.”

Jared kept fiddling with his computer and ignored us.

Matthew nudged me, whispering, “Go first.”

I gulped nervously he.had never said he was anything more than a “family” friend, but he was the he may closest thing he had and I realized this was my chance to do something. 

“Um.....J-J-Jared. Listen, I know what I did last y-year was super dickish a-a-and you have n-no reason to forgive me. I-I-I left you because I got something no one had ever given me.”

“And what I gave you wasn’t enough?”

“You always told me you only cared because of your stupid care insurance.”

“I was okay. But, you still cared even when I didn’t. And then you didn’t”

Ty heart broke, “But, you didn’t care.”

“Of course I did, dipshit. Why did you think I helped you fake all those emails? Or keep your secret.”

i tried to rebutle but Tyler stopped me, “You faked what emails?”

Jared frowned, “You didn’t tell them?”

“Jared we just met.”

“Well?”

“Ugh, I faked the Connor Project emails. I faked everything. Okay! Did you hear me Jared? Is that what you wanted?”

“Partly.”

“Wait wait wait, you faked them?”

I turned and Tyler looked angry.”

“No no no-well yes, but I only w-w-wanted to help the Murphy’s feel b-b-better about Connor. I just wanted t-to help. I didn’t m-m-mean for it to get out of hand. I didn’t want this.”

Tyler sighed, “I’ve been there.....i guess i just didn't think those rumors would be true.”

Matthew rubbed Tyler’s shoulder, “What does that have to do with Jared?”

“I was the one who wrote the emails.”

“And i called him friend less and stupid shit like that.”

“Whoa, Acorn, you swear?”

“Jared, I’m a 19 year old boy. of course i do. I just don’t vocalize it often.”

“Acorn?” Matthew chuckled.

“NOT important.”

Jared laughed. “I’ll tell you later, Ty.”

“Is that all? Have you guys made up? Can we go eat?”

Jared shook his head, “We’re not even. Thanks for trying to fix that bridge but you burnt it to ashes.”

He got up and shoved past the three of us and left.

“Worth a shot, right?”

“N-N-No.”

Jared continued to ignore me all through the first month of college which I should have expected since he did it for months before hand. Tyler and Matthew refused to take sides, and hung with both of us. College is much harder when someone who hates you lives literally 5 feet away. 

Classes were harder than high school, but not as bad as my messed up brain made it. Gen Eds consisted for of history, of the Americas 1800s to present calculus, macro biology, and art 101. I had lucked out and tested out of my language, which meant to public speaking for a while. 

I always came back to the dorm at 4:30 and hung out with the RA Cierra until she had class or til, one of roommates came back. I stayed up til 4 doing work or just absently tapping my at my desk, until Matthew begs me to stop.

The days fold into weeks and weeks melt into months and things are still rocky with Jared and I. Tyer gets the full story of the Connor project and surprisingly isn’t mad. He thought it was sorta valiant, me trying to make the family happy even though it wasn’t true and he thought it was awesome they put the money raised towards the Murphy’s and the orchard. Matthew didn’t really care, as long as I promised to be honest with him.

I thought my head might fall off with how vigorously I nodded.

After maybe two months, Jared finally came to dinners with the four of us, though he stayed far from me, but it was step.

“So, Jared, what’s school like?”

“We go to the same school, Ty.”

“Not the same classes, idiot.”

Jared starts talking about computer classes, computer design, and others adn i listen along with the others. He had always been a computer geek, gloating about his “mad skillz”. It was only inevitable that he created a career with it. 

“What about you Acorn?

The gaze turns on me and I grow red, “Oh....uuuh, things are f-f-fine. J-Just gens.”

“So are you undecided?” Matthew asks, biting into his pizza.

Jared laughs bitterly, “No he’s just not sure what classes or people he needs to trample to get where he wants.”

It felt like he just slapped me and Tyler punches him in the arm. BUt, instead of shrinking in, I’m fed up.

“What is your problem, Jared. What do you want me to do? I’ll move out, or something if you want. I don’t want you be mad at me. I tried to fix it. I told them. I told the Murphy’s, I told Zoe, I told everyone who would listen or believe me. What the fuck do you want?”

Jared stands up and pokes a finger in my chest, “I want you to remember that you had friends before the Murphy’s! I want a time machine to bring that into perspective.”

“You think Alana actually cared about me? She had her own agenda. You on the other hand kept telling me OVER AND OVER AND OVER that all you cared about was your car insurance!”

“You’re not the only only one who can lie EVEN! Did you ever think why I wanted to help you? Did you think of anyone besides yourself?”

“I thought about-”

“The Murphy’s that’s what you say. But. was that was just how you got to the top. You didn’t care about ANYONE. NOT EVEN YOUR OWN FUCKING MOTHER!!!!!”

The cafeteria goes quiet and I can feel the tears. My roommates including Jared look horrified.

Jared reaches forward, “Even....I’m-”

I push past him and run. I hear people calling me but i don’t care. I don’t know where to go, so I just keep running. I end up at the gigantic tree next the the bell tower. That’s when I let the anxiety overtake me.

It was like all of my worst days collide together into a spiral of panic. I look up into the tree and imagine that day over the summer. 

I let go and some days I wish I didn’t . That i could see the sky holding the branch with one hand......and then have it disappear. To disappear.

Instead, I lay under the tree and breathe in the sappy air. The tree was maple and it smelled that way. But, even if I wanted to die, even if i wanted to keep Connor company in heaven or hell or where ever he is, I don’t want to be a person that is remembered for my lie. 

“I.....only wanted the best.”

“I know.”

I jump up and scramble behind the tree, Jared was standing, hands in his pockets.”

“J-J-Jared?”

“Who else would know you would run to the first tree you found?”

“Right. So why are you h-h-here?”

Jared sits down and wipes his glasses, “I went to far. I shouldn’t have said anything about your family.”

“It’s fine. I deserved that much.”

Jared rolls his eyes, “Acorn please, you deserve a lot after the Connor incident, but what I said wasn’t one of them.”

“Ge, thanks.”

He shrugged, “’ts what I do.”

“Why’d you follow me?”

“Tyler gave me a look that could kill. And i wanted to apologize. I’ve been mad for no real reason anymore. You keep trying too make things better and you came clean-ish. It...just hurt.”

“What did?”

“You not caring about me.”

“But, you would always say-”

“I know what i said. I lied, you were the closest friend thing I had. I’m just too much of an ass to admit it. And when you did, I still didn’t want to admit it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I was a dick.”

I tried not to laugh, “Yeah, you were, but so was I.”

“Friends?”

“Just don’t do that again.”

“Can’t make any promises.”

We were pretty chill after that. Tyler fussed over me for days while Matthew gave Jared hell for being a dick, but things worked out. All four of us hung out and played games, studied and other college things. Until, Jared entered my room at like 2 am. His hair was messed up and fluff, he didn’t have his glasses on which was dare I say cute. 

“SO, Acorn Hansen.”

“Even.”

“Nope. Anyway, the guys are going to Chili’s tomorrow wanna come since none of us have classes?”

I shrug, “Maybe.”

“Not an answer.”

“Fine.”

“Sweet. Don’t stay up too long.”

That of course didn’t happen and when morning hit, I was exhausted but to scared to sleep, fearing I might miss the lunch. Matthew stirs away and I hear the bed creak.

“Even what are doing up still?”

“N-N-Nothing.”

“Even chill. You need sleep.”

“I didn’t want to miss the lunch.”

Matthew smiled, “You won’t. i’ll wake you up, kay.”

It wasn’t super reassuring but it had been a couple nights since I had slept so might as well. I woke up maybe an hour or two later to Jared and Tyler screaming about some game. I stumbled in rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

“Yo sleeping beauty, is awake.”

“You look lovely, Acorn.”

I rolled my eyes, “Whatever. What time at Chili’s today?”

Tyler laughed playing Last of Us furiously, “In like two hours.’

“But, its still late?”

“Check your phone.” Jared sighed tapping away at buttons.

Sure enough it was around 9 am.

“What Matthew said he’d wake me up.”

“Dude, he tried. But, you were out. Jared even tried to give you a magical kiss.”

What.....

Jared turned pink, “I said not to tell him!!!”

Tyler smirked, “To good to pass up.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Wow.”

“Shut up, Acorn.”

We all pile into Tyler’s car and blared pop music singing like there was no tomorrow, and I was finally glad things had worked out. When Jared and I walk into Chili’s Matthew says he forgot his wallet back at the dorm. I offer to pay, but he knew I could barely afford college. Tyler gave us a wave and ran out with Matthew, telling us to find a table.

We were seated and the waiter came around a few times asking for our orders, but once the 30 minute mark passed, Jared threw up his hands.

“Tha’s it we’re ordering!”

“W-W-Wait, Jared I’m sure they’ll be back.”

“You said that like forever ago. I want some potato skins.” He whined called over a waitress.

We ordered our food and Jared promised me our roommates weren’t dead, eventually resorting to making me laugh to keep my mind off my friends possible doom. Food came, Jared ordered a monstrous burger for both of us, which i tried to politely decline. They came, were devoured and we payed. 

We weren’t far from campus and since neither Tyler or Matthew answered their phones, walking seemed to be the cheapest option. We talked about how much of a dick our roommates were and how we planned on getting back at them. Jared went on and on about games and school and he cut me off the second I mentioned trees. It was night fall when we got to campus, and we decided to take a second and look at the stars. Jared was apparently were knowledgeable about astronomy, and I listened to him drone on about the constellations and science behind stars. I laughed and watched Jared out of the corner of my eyes.

He glanced at me, “You okay, Even?”

“Oh.....yeah. Hey, let’s go back to the dorm.”

He pulled me up, and we walked back to Sycamore Hall watching the stars twinkle.

The door to 312 was open and we could here to guys laughing inside. 

“What the hell? Tyler, Matthew! What the fucking hell?!?”

Tyler looks up from his Xbox, “ Oh the love birds are back, Mat.”

Matthew looked up from his book, “Yo guys.”

Jared’s face grew beet red, “Why did you guys leave us?”

“Come on, you guys need to suck up whatever happened and go on a freaking date already. So, we made i happen.”

I choked on the air, “W-W-What!!!”

“Even close your mouth and just admit you had a fun date.”

My mouth hung open as Jared laughed, “You assholes.”

“Buuuuuuuuut?” Tyler crooned.

“Yeah, it was cool or whatever.”

Matthew beamed, “Even?”

My mine was blaring with sirens and flashing red lights, as everyone including Jared watched me. I could barely form words, but watching Jared laugh and scream at games, and talk about stars was so comforting and finally something Even felt was genuine.

And all I could do was nod.

#pride prompt month #deh #dear evan hansen #jarsen #even hansen #jared kleinman #college au