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hotchley · 3 years

Text

heavy is the head that wears the crown

Hey besties...

This was my first CM fic, and it was only on ao3, so I am now cross-posting it almost a whole year later because I changed my url and was redoing my masterlists so... yeah.

IT IS FROM A YEAR AGO PLEASE DO NOT COME FOR ME IT'S ALMOST EMBARRASSING JUST COPYING IT </3

Trigger Warnings: depictions of child abuse, aftermath of abuse, canon-typical violence, references to self-harm (it’s not depicted, but hotch has some unhealthy thoughts in the hardwick scene), heavily implied sexual content

read on ao3!

He remembers the last time his father laid a hand on him perfectly. He remembers it perfectly because it was the most painful. When he was feeling particularly low, he wondered if his father knew he was going to die and wanted to watch his oldest son try and hold himself together as one small act of defiance.

He remembers how each strike with the belt hurt more than the last. He remembers how he tried to keep his voice down, because Sean was sleeping, and he didn’t need to ever find out that their father was a bastard. He remembers that the pain became unbearable the moment his father pressed the still lit cigarette to the cuts and that he had screamed so loudly, he was scared the neighbours would come running. Remembers how his father had yanked his hair so hard more tears pooled in the corner of his eyes.

But they didn’t fall. Not when his father shoved him to the ground and left him to deal with his injuries himself. They didn’t fall then because he knew that for one more night, his mother and Sean would be safe from his touch. And that would have to be enough to keep him going.

They didn’t fall when the nice lady from reception asked to speak to him and told him how sorry she was but the hospital had phoned to say his father was dead after suffering a heart attack at work. He didn’t cry then because he was too busy thinking about how Sean was going to be destroyed. And his mother would likely retreat further into herself, leaving him to pick up the pieces and take over the home.

He didn’t break at the funeral. Sean was clinging to his hand, tears streaming down his face, even as he didn’t understand why daddy wasn’t coming home. He wanted to fall to his knees and scream, because despite everything that man had done to him, he had never touched Sean, not even when he had been at boarding school and unable to protect him. But he didn’t, because neither he nor his brother had access to their inheritance, and they needed to survive. His mother wouldn’t work- and he wouldn’t want her to. But it meant it was up to him.

So he looked at himself in the mirror, put the mask that transformed him from Aaron, the delightful teenager who was in the theatre club, into Mr Hotchner, the man who could provide for his family and be who they needed him to be.

It was almost too easy.

If he thought about it for too long, he would classify the whole incident with Vincent Perotta as his version of a breakdown. As the garrotte tightened around his neck, and as it became harder and harder to fill his lungs with the need to live, all he could think of was his father and Haley. His father smirking as his eldest son finally met the end he deserved- killed by someone he should have been able to defeat in the dark because he had gotten distracted- and Haley, home with a son barely old enough to hold his own head up.

Haley.

The image of her holding their son gave him the strength to shove the unsub- he didn’t deserve to be named- away. And then the flashlights came into view and he knew he was safe. They had come to get him. He wasn’t alone. The relief was quickly overshadowed by the officer they still had to find, and the confession they still needed. He should have known Gideon would know why he had refused everyone’s offers of help. Why he hadn’t even loosened his tie. The ghost of his father saying he deserved the pain still haunted him.

He hadn’t wanted to finish it. He had wanted to stay as far away from that bastard as he could. But Jason Gideon never asked questions. He phrased demands as questions. So he put back on the Unit Chief mask and said sure. But he knew as soon as he said some that he had messed up. He just hoped nobody else would notice.

The world had never been kind to him.

He didn’t know why he didn’t just walk out without responding. Why he chose to stand there and admit- or as close as he would ever get to admitting- that his father had abused him. That the shards of his words and actions still broke his skin and damaged his heart and filled his lungs with poison that he had to inhale. Maybe it was because he needed to remind himself. He was not his father, and he never would be.

Haley was awake when he got home. He felt bad, she needed all the rest she could get, but she had smiled, and said she loved him. It sounded like a reminder rather than a confession. He had managed to smile, gratefully getting in the bath she had run for him, scrubbing the hands of a murderer off of his skin.

She made love to him that night. Took her time, brushing her lips over every bruise and scar. He had wanted all the lights off, still disgusted by the sight of his father on his body, but she had asked if having the lamp on the dimmest setting was okay, and he had said okay. She said she was so proud of him- was always so proud of him. And she didn’t laugh at the tears that fell after.

He wondered what Jason had said when he phoned, but he never asked.

III

After Reid killed Tobias Hankel, he kept it together. He had to. Because as clever as Spencer thought he was being, everyone knew he was keeping information from them. And Hotch wasn’t going to let him become the next Elle. He wasn’t going to let Gideon convince him everything was fine, because it wasn’t. And it wouldn’t be. Not for a while. Maybe not ever. But that wasn’t the priority. The priority was making sure Reid would be okay at the hospital. Then to get home. Then to give his statement. It wasn’t about making him better. It was about helping him get through each stage.

He didn’t break, because his team already hated him. Reid had called him a narcissist, and whilst he knew what was really being said, he couldn’t help but worry his youngest agent thought it was true. He knew Reid had initially believed what he had said to Phillip Dowd, but they had worked to move on from that. He thought they had. Maybe they hadn’t. Maybe Reid really did think Hotch viewed himself as better than everyone. If only he knew the truth.

Morgan had called him a drill sergeant, but he could handle that. Prentiss saying he trusted men more than women wasn’t hard to understand. He could argue that in her case, it was justified. But JJ calling him a bully without any hesitation had been like a knife to the heart. Worse than that. It had been like a small paper cut on each part of his body, so the pain would never fade. Not properly, because as soon as it stopped in one place, it started in another. He had tried so hard to love all of them. Especially her. She reminded him of Haley. Not because he was attracted to her- he wasn’t, no matter what rumours flew around- but because of her spirit. Her kindness. Her warmth towards everyone. Her willingness to trust. Her ability to be good, despite all she had seen.

Jason had been the only one to not say anything. But Hotch knew he would’ve had something to say. That was why he’d cut them off, started talking about an argument he had forgotten until then.

He didn’t break that night. Or the night after. He pulled away from the team, observing from a distance. He didn’t deserve to cry. Not when it was his fault Reid was struggling with a drug addiction he thought he was hiding. His fault JJ couldn’t even look at dogs without shaking.

It was his fault. He would lock away his need to fall apart until he could look at them without guilt clouding his mind.

Deep down, he knew he would be going back to an empty house after leaving for the case. Still, it was painful to see almost every trace of Haley and Jack gone. It hurt to look around the place they were meant to raise their son together and only see his own clothes and shoes. The plates Haley had picked because they were more fun than the set from her parents. The crib he had assembled before leaving. Jack had migrated to a bed, but they had just never gotten around to getting rid of it. The photos from the case that had ended everything.

He sat on their bed, head in his hands. At some point he started crying. For everything he had done wrong, for everything he was going to still screw up.

And then the phone rang. And Spencer was speaking too quickly for him to understand everything that had happened, but he managed to grasp the most important fact: Gideon was gone. He had left them. With nothing but a letter, addressed to Spencer, that he had left at the now cleared out cabin.

Despite the weariness stamped into his bones, he told Spencer to stay where he was. He drove to pick him up, took him back to his apartment. Said Haley would understand when he started to panic about taking him away from his wife. He rocked Spencer to sleep, singing the same lullabies he heard Haley sing to Jack when he wouldn’t stop shrieking. Noted there were no new marks on his arms and breathed a sigh of relief. He had to stop pulling away from Reid now Gideon was gone.

He couldn’t believe it. Well. He could believe Gideon leaving, always knew the day would come where he would decide he couldn’t do it anymore, and he had thought that day would be when Bale blew up six of their best agents, but when it didn’t happen then, he had dared to hope that it would never happen. He couldn’t believe Gideon had left the way he had. With only a goodbye to Spencer.

And he wanted to be mad at Spencer, because he was there and it would be so easy, but he looked at his sleeping figure, and knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault. But he was mad at Gideon for only saying goodbye to Spencer. Because he had been the one to step up and become Unit Chief when Gideon was placed on leave. He had sacrificed his marriage and his life to make sure the team stayed together. Him. Not Morgan, definitely not Reid. Wasn’t he worth saying goodbye to? Had he really meant that little to Gideon?

For the next few weeks, everything served as a reminder. Reid quoting something or other reminded him of a book Gideon had recommended. A smile from a stranger in the street reminded him of Haley. The silence of a too big house reminded him of how he had failed. A comment about fallen agents made him think of Jason and Elle.

He wanted to walk away as well. Beg Strauss for that transfer and go to Haley. Tell her he would do anything, if she would just come home. But his team- the team Gideon had already abandoned- were depending on him. They didn’t hate him now, but they would if he left as well. So he helped JJ with the requests, took interest in the languages Prentiss could speak, offered to listen to each and everyone of Reid’s lectures. He let Morgan take control every once in a while.

And if he became more Hotch than Aaron in doing so, then that was the price he would pay for not being better.

Chester Hardwick was- for lack of a better term- an absolute shit show. Going into a cell with a dangerous serial killer and picking a fight with him had not been the plan. The initial plan had been to get in there, do the interview as quickly as possible, drive back to Quantico in silence- Reid never spoke on the return journey (he had never fully decided if he hated or loved that)- and ignore Haley’s demands for another night.

Then JJ phoned. And he knew she was trying to keep her tone professional, to not pass judgement on his soon-to-be ex-wife, but it was impossible to miss. Haley had clearly made it into a big deal that he hadn’t answered her calls. It angered him. He didn’t want to give up his son, or only be able to see him on the weekends because it wasn’t fair. He couldn’t guarantee he would even be available on the weekends, but he could guarantee to be there after a case.

Haley didn’t want to accept that. She didn’t want to amend the custody agreement. He didn’t want to go to court and have his faults brandished, but he didn’t want to back down. Which meant they were stuck. And she knew he would eventually be forced to give in and lose.

Again.

He told himself he needed to keep it together. He wouldn’t shout at Reid, not when he was still recovering from Hankel, from Gideon, from all the other bad things that had happened to him since then. And if he was being completely honest, he probably couldn’t shout at Reid, even if he needed to. For although he knew Spencer wasn’t the same innocent, uncoordinated mess that had joined his unit five years ago, he was still so good and kind. Hotch wouldn’t take that from him by shouting because he was frustrated at himself.

Instead, he provoked a dangerous serial killer. That had been one of the few things Haley had never gotten wrong about him: he never did things half-heartedly.

So instead of asking questions to help understand why Hardwick had killed all those women, he shrugged his jacket off, loosened his tie (the memory of cold metal pressed against his neck still woke him even now) and raised his hands on a man who could very easily take any of the things in the room and kill him.

It was stupid. It was reckless. It was the kind of behaviour his father would beat him for, that Haley would shout at him for, and that Rossi would probably give him a round of applause and a drink.

But he was so angry at everything and everyone and he needed to relieve the tension but he couldn’t do it by going down the firing range and shooting a gun because it wasn’t the same. Maybe he was exactly like his father in that respect. Maybe it was the first step into becoming the monster he always knew he would be. It was unfair to say all abused children became abusers. It was fair to say profilers were just unsubs on the right side of the law. Sure, they did the right thing, but at the end of the day, they knew how serial killers and child abducters worked. Crossing the line wouldn’t be hard for any of them.

He raised his fists at a serial killer because he needed to feel something under them. He needed to release the anger and sadness and guilt that flowed beneath his veins. Needed to see the blood on his fists from punching something too hard as a reminder he was human. And he knew that wasn’t healthy, but it was the truth.

Something he had never been good with.

It was stupid. And he should have- could have, very easily- died.

But of course Reid saved him. Dr Spencer Reid, who was always rattling off statistics nobody understood, who had almost been sick at his first crime scene, who had teared up during his first solo interrogation, saved him. By playing to his strengths. He went on and on about the effects of abuse on a child, about the psychology behind finding release in murder, about what made someone into a serial killer.

He kept his audience of one captive for so long that the guards came and unlocked the door without Hardwick ever laying a hand on either of them. He managed to talk a serial killer out of murdering two federal agents. Hotch felt so proud. And disgusted with himself. Reid had talked long enough for the anger to evaporate into thin air and the shame to rain down on him like a storm.

What had he done? It wasn’t falling apart, because he knew what it was like when he fell apart, and that wasn’t it, but it was horrifying. Humiliating. He had put himself and his own issues above Reid’s safety.

He was every bit the narcissist Reid had once described him as being. The thought made him sick. Today it had been a serial killer, but how long before it became his team? Before it became his son?

He felt sick. But he forced himself to get behind the wheel, rejecting Reid’s offer to take over the driving for a little bit. He knew Reid hated driving. But when they had been on the road for a good twenty minutes, and the younger agent still hadn’t said anything about the journey back, or the sky, or the cars around them, he knew he had screwed up.

Scratch that. He had fucked up.

Which was why he told Reid the truth. He hated speaking about his personal life, had always struggled with being open with others, especially the people he worked with because he was the Unit Chief and that meant he was supposed to be there as a strong presence that couldn’t be harmed, but Reid deserved to know why Hotch had been so willing to try and get himself killed.

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have endangered you like that. It was wrong, and if you want to say something to Rossi or Strauss, I won’t stop you,” he said, after his confession that he couldn’t get what he wanted.

“I won’t say anything Hotch. You would never purposely disregard my safety. Even if you put yourself at risk, any harm that happened to me wouldn’t be deliberate. I know you kick better than a nine year old girl, and that you were holding back with Dowd because you didn’t want to hurt me too badly. And you didn’t,” Reid replied.

His throat went dry. “Hurt you too badly? As in, I did hurt you?”

The sudden fear he radiated made Reid pause. A bad move. Hotch was a damn good profiler, and whilst he always tried to follow the no inter-team profiling rule, some things were just too obvious to miss.

“I need to pull over,” he said.

Reid nodded, face pale and terrified. Luckily, he didn’t follow when he got out the car. And when he returned, Reid handed him a bottle of water and a mint.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” he had whispered after Hotch had begrudgingly taken both.

“I hurt you,” Hotch replied. There was no point in trying to be the Unit Chief now. Reid had dismantled his shields by accident, and no suit or back-up weapon could prevent Aaron emerging and taking over from SSA Hotchner.

“But it wasn’t intentional then, and it wasn’t intentional with Hardwick. And you would never hurt Jack. Not in the way you think you may. I’m not saying you’re never going to make a mistake, you will, but you won’t hurt him the way your father did. You’re too good of a person to do it. I saw you holding Jack. The love in your eyes couldn’t be faked. And the way you rocked me to sleep after Gideon left was gentle and kind. You made a mistake with Hardwick. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect. Not with us.”

Hotch stared at him. “I- how do you know about my father?” he asked, defences rising. The only members of the team who had known were Gideon who never followed the rules, and Dave, who had always had a soft spot for him.

Spencer flushed. “I didn’t profile you. We shared a room that one time, and the door to the bathroom wasn’t closed properly so I saw the scars. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been looking.”

“It’s okay,” he said, because it had to be.

The younger man didn’t seem convinced.

“Spencer.” The use of first names always drove points home. “It’s fine. I suppose everyone was going to work it out at one point or another. Thank you for not bringing it up then.”

When they pulled into the car park at Quantico, Reid did something very unexpected. He hugged Hotch. For a moment, he stood there, frozen because it had been so long since someone had done more than shake his hand that a hug felt so foreign, but then he regained control of his body and he bought his arms up and around him.

“Thank you Spencer,” he said.

“You once said to JJ that it’s okay if you lose it every once in a while. That it reminds us that we’re human. I think you should take your own advice.”

He nodded. But he didn’t.

He signed his divorce papers without contest. Haley was right: Jack deserved better than a father who could never confirm whether or not he would be there. He deserved better than a father who woke up in the middle of the night, and he definitely deserved better than a man who’s biggest fear was not that someone else would hurt their child, but that they would be the one to hurt them.

He signed the papers.

And then he got spectacularly drunk.

He used to love New York. He had never worked there, but one of the few holidays he’d had with Haley that hadn’t been cut short was spent in New York. They’d never had a case there, which was why they were both so eager to go.

It had been so nice, to be in a city, and not remember an unsub who tortured women then left their bodies in ditches, or who had preyed on vulnerable children and then manipulated them into joining their twisted cults.

He had loved New York.

And then Kate Joyner had died.

He wasn’t stupid, and his hearing wasn’t damaged when they first arrived. He heard JJ’s remark about her appearance and the tone in Emily’s voice when she had repeated his earlier statement that they had liased together.

It embarrassed him. If he had heard, then Kate definitely knew what they were saying. Not only did she have better hearing than he did, she was also pretty good at reading lips- a skill Hotch had learnt in SWAT and taught her for fun. And she had been staring at them, not him, when they spoke. It wasn’t going to be difficult for her to fill in the gaps.

They hadn’t slept together. He had been happily married at that time, still affectionately calling Haley at every opportunity. And she hadn’t been interested in him like that. They had just been friends that worked well together. He had found it easy to open up to her, and she had liked him because his Southern upbringing meant he was nothing but a gentleman to her.

Then they were both blown up, only he walked away with nothing but a ringing ear and a breaking heart. She would never do anything ever again, and it was all his fault. Everyone he cared about either left or died- his mother, Haley, Kate and Sean.

“Look man, I’m not going to pretend you’re fine because I’ve called your name twice and you haven’t even raised an eyebrow so you’re going to pull over and I’m going to drive,” Morgan shouted.

Hotch slammed the brake far too hard, and turned, glowering at his subordinate. “I could’ve crashed the car then. You don’t need to yell.”

“Yes, I do. What is going on with your ear?”

“It’s nothing.”

Morgan looked at him, the disbelief clear, but eventually rolled his eyes and turned to stare out the window. Hotch took the hint and started driving.

When they got back to Quantico, Rossi was tucked away in his office, and when Hotch looked through the paperwork he needed to fill in, he found half of it missing. JJ had left a note with her file saying she had moved his meeting with Strauss to next week. Garcia had left a batch of chocolate cupcakes with one of her many soft toys. Prentiss had already written her report, with no evidence of Reid’s input. Morgan appeared with his not too long after they returned. Reid offered to take the consults he had to do before he went home to an empty apartment.

He accepted, the impossible smile making an appearance.

His team- no, his family- were always going to be there. He realised then that he could depend on them. That they wanted him to depend on him. Because they could all trust him with their lives, and everything they had done since landing had been to show him that they understood. That he wasn’t alone.

His joy lasted till the door to his apartment swung open, and he was greeted with the impersonal furniture, boxes he hadn’t had the time to unpack. The absence of a smiling blonde and excited little boy pretending to be a superhero.

Instead of breaking, he pulled out a file about a case involving missing women. They had all been pregnant, unmarried and blonde. He hadn’t wanted JJ to see it. So he worked on a profile late into the night, only putting the file away when he was pleased the police would be able to find the unsub.

He couldn’t protect his team from a lot, but this. This he could do. It was better than them realising he wasn’t worth baking for, wasn’t worth their attempts of comfort and walked away.

Haley was dead. She had been killed in the home they were supposed to raise their son in together, all because he had wanted to be a hero and refused to take the deal. The deal she had never found out about and would never find out about because Foyet had murdered her. It was stupid, but Hotch wondered what would have happened if he had taken the transfer. It wouldn’t have been this.

Foyet was dead. He had killed a man with nothing but his bare hands. He was worse than his father. He had killed a man who said they had surrendered because he was angry. And he knew Foyet would have never surrendered. He would’ve waited for Hotch to move away and then killed him, found Jack and made good on his promise. He knew that, logically, there was no other option.

It didn’t make him feel any less like a monster. That was part of the reason why he had sent Jack away as soon as possible. He didn’t want his son to see him covered in blood long enough for it to become a proper memory. Didn’t want his son to see it and start asking if his daddy had been hurt by a bad guy because he didn’t want to explain that this time, daddy had been the one to hurt the bad guy. He had hurt him so badly that he was never coming back.

And neither was mommy.

The only real parent Jack had ever had was gone, and he didn’t know what to do. He had never prepared himself to have the conversation about death with Jack. It was morbid, but he had always assumed Haley would be the one explaining that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and because of that, dad wasn’t going to be coming home anymore, because he was going to go to heaven instead.

He’d never been particularly religious. But he wished he was. At least then he could believe himself when he finally told Jack that mommy had gone to heaven like some of the other kids’ grandparents.

Not for the first time, he wondered why he ever thought having kids was a good idea. He hadn’t wanted them at first. He hadn’t wanted to bring a child into the world when so many people were evil and malicious. Hadn’t wanted to put anyone else at risk of becoming the object of his anger. He didn’t want to repeat the actions of his father and become the monster in the closet he had always been terrified of.

Then he had met Haley, and she reminded him of the stars. For she brightened even the darkest moments, and he just knew that no matter what he became, if she had his children, they would shine like the brightest star, and they would never become irreparably damaged by his own paranoia and fear because she would be there for them.

Now she was gone. And it was all his fault.

But he managed to keep it together at work for his team, and at home for his son.

Jessica had been a lifesaver, taking Jack out when Hotch needed a break, staying with them until Jack had settled into the apartment properly. She even dug up old albums and gave them to Hotch, saying that he deserved to have them. The two of them had grown closer, and he was happy for that, but he just wished it hadn’t taken the death of Haley to let them bond. Jack had nightmares about a loud bang, and sometimes he would wake up crying for his mother, but Hotch had already started looking into therapists for children, and he also sat with Jack, stroking his hair and reading him stories till he fell asleep.

He never told Jack he too had nightmares about lots of things, and sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night, terrified and wanting someone there to comfort him. Both Jessica and the bureau psychologist he was forced to see had told him to, but there was something- pride mainly- that prevented him from ever admitting to his son that he wasn’t okay.

At work, he compartmentalized as much as was humanly possible. The team were doing their best to cope, and he knew the only reason he’d been offered the option to take his retirement package or return, as opposed to being fired without any benefits, was because of the accounts they had given Strauss. Accounts that framed him as a man desperate to bring a killer to justice and protect his son, as opposed to a man who had become obsessed with one particular case that had hindered his ability to do his job.

He never said thank you, because he knew they wouldn’t understand. In their eyes, he had been heroic. He had done what any of them would have. But Hotch knew he hadn’t. He knew his team. They were better people than he was, and they would never have killed a man who had surrendered, no matter how bad their crimes had been.

So although he wasn’t okay, he kept it together. He kept it together for as long as he could, and he ignored his own broken heart, ignored the constant replay of the final conversation he’d ever had with Haley and the sound of gunshots ringing out. He ignored the nightmares and the memories, the sick feeling that overwhelmed him every time he remembered that Foyet had won by destroying him and then moulding him into the person he’d sworn not to become.

He stayed strong because he had to be. But it was becoming harder everyday as the threads that held him together frayed with every scream from his son’s bedroom, every sympathetic smile Strauss gave him in meetings, every hand Jessica placed on his shoulder, every file his team tried to hide from him and pass to Rossi to sign off on instead.

It was three months after that the thread finally snapped clean in half. He had thought he was getting better. Jack certainly was. His twice-weekly trips to the therapist were proving to be beneficial as he was sleeping through the night more often and finding it easier to talk about his mom, even if he didn’t fully understand what was going on. Jessica had gone back to work and was slowly moving through her own grief as she tried to honour the memory of her sister by sharing her memories with her son and ex-husband.

Aaron thought he was doing the same, but maybe repressing and coping had become the same in his mind.

It was late, but Jack had gone to see his grandparents with Jessica and he didn’t fancy going home- not when the rest of his team were still there- so he got a coffee, ignored their concerned faces and started working on a consult he hadn’t got round to the previous day.

He dropped his mug the moment he opened the case file and saw who the victims were.

All blonde women. All divorcees. All of them had been the ones that filed, and all of them had filed because they felt neglected. All of them had been awarded custody of the child, without a court hearing. The police were stuck because they couldn’t find anyone in the local area who had been married to a blonde woman and had one young child.

The sight of their bodies, mutilated and bloody, made him sick. The images blurred as he tried to blink away tears. Next to the photos of their dead bodies were the pictures of their faces, genuine smiles and sparkling eyes, blissfully unaware of the evil that was about to happen.

He didn’t hear the mug shatter into nothing as hot coffee went all over the wooden flooring. All he heard was a gunshot, then another and then a third, and Foyet taunting him, saying he would find Jack and show him the bodies of his dead parents. Maybe he screamed, maybe he couldn’t make a sound, but he couldn’t see anything properly as tears streamed down his face and made everything unfocused and fuzzy.

“-you hear me?” someone asked.

He blinked. Why was he on the floor? What had happened? He looked down, saw his knees pulled to his chest, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

“What?” he managed to say, voice hoarse.

“What’s wrong?” Rossi asked, kneeling beside him.

He looked up, saw Spencer and JJ in the room, Emily and Morgan in the doorway, and Garcia behind them.

“Nothing,” he lied. He was supposed their leader, the mom of the team- he had grown to accept that title. He couldn’t fall apart in front of them. “You’re going to hurt your knees if you sit like that for much longer.”

Rossi cursed in Italian. “Kiddo, I don’t care. I want to know what’s going on with you. You’ve been pretending to be strong for these past few months, and we know how much you hate anyone interfering with your personal life, but if you’re hurting, you need to let me help.”

“It’s nothing,” he repeated.

JJ picked up the file, opened it without a word. “Oh, Hotch. Why didn’t you let one of the others deal with it?”

There was such sadness in her eyes, he couldn’t look at them. “Because I can handle it.”

The sound of Reid’s cane coming closer gave him something else to focus on. “Hey Hotch,” he greeted gently. “Do you want to know something? After Hankel, I found it almost impossible to deal with consults involving someone who was using drugs, either on themselves or the victims. I had to try and pass the files off to Morgan and Prentiss. I can do them now, but it still hurts. So it’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” he said. “It’s not because it’s my fault she’s dead. If I hadn’t rejected the deal, all those people on the bus would still be alive, Haley would be here and Jack would have a real parent, who could be there and comfort him, instead of a failure of a father who can’t guarantee to keep him safe and who wakes up shouting in the middle of the night.” He didn’t know why he suddenly opened up, but Reid just had that effect on people sometimes.

Reid blanched. Rossi pulled away, shock all over his face. Garcia pushed her way into the room, heels louder than Reid’s cane and threw her arms around Hotch in a tight hug. He felt the sleeve of his shirt start to get wet, and it was only then that he realised Garcia was crying.

“It is not your fault that Haley died. It is Foyet’s. He killed her, and you had no control over his actions. You did the right thing by not taking the deal, and don’t you ever think otherwise. You are a real parent. You’re a parent to almost everyone on this team, and you’re a wonderful father to Jack. Stop beating yourself up. You’ll never be able to protect him from everything, but that doesn’t mean you’re not good. You are the best man I know, and I know some pretty great people. So dry those eyes, and let us help you,” she said, determined.

He stared at her for a few moments.

“Sir,” she added hesitantly.

“Do you honestly believe that?” he asked, more tears threatening to spill.

Garcia nodded.

Morgan crept closer. “I know what it’s like to grow up with a dad. And Jack will never have to go through that, because even if you’re not there in person, you’re there emotionally. He won’t remember missed soccer games or forgotten parent-teacher conferences. He’ll remember how you read to him, how you always listened.”

“My father turned up to everything I ever did. But it never felt like he cared. It felt like he was just trying to keep my mother happy. When you go to Jack’s things, he knows you’re there because you love him, and that is all any child wants,” Emily added.

“You’re more of a father than my own dad ever was,” Reid declared.

“Hotch, you were the one that taught me that this job doesn’t have to take everything away from us. That we can still form meaningful relationships with others. You never doubt my choices, you just make sure I’m able to back them up, and you’re the reason I don’t go home fretting about whether or not I made the right call,” JJ said, tucking the file away.

“Aaron, I never got to meet my son. But every time I see you smile, every time I see you handcuff another unsub, or speak to a victim, I am reminded that family is not just blood. You’ve been strong for far too long. Let yourself fall and trust us to catch you,” Rossi finally spoke.

“I just couldn’t believe she was gone. And then I saw the photos, and I realised it must have been like that for someone else when she died and it finally hit me and I just couldn’t, but I thought I was moving on and-“ he couldn’t speak, the words not able to push past the lump in his throat as the emotions finally overwhelmed him and the soft cries became mournful sobs that eventually calmed into sniffles.

Rossi and Garcia never stopped hugging him. Reid kept his hand on his shoulder. JJ smoothed his hair, singing the same lullabies that Henry heard every night before he slept. Morgan and Prentiss stood to the side, having locked the door and closed the blinds.

Once he had enough awareness to realise what he had done, he tensed and waited for the hit. It never came. What came instead was a series of encouraging smiles, the option to talk, or just sit in silence. The promise to never leave. To always be there when he needed them.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“You’re our family Hotch. We’re not going to let you suffer,” Morgan said.

Everyone nodded.

It wasn’t easy, falling apart. Especially not in front of your colleagues. But Morgan was right, they were a family. So Hotch finally let himself fall, finally let himself feel all the grief he had been burying for so long, and for once in his life, he let someone else catch him. He let them in. He accepted their support, however long it took for him to actually do so was irrelevant. He let himself cry, and he let his family dry his tears.

They wouldn’t leave him. Not now. Not ever.

But soon, he would be saying goodbye to JJ, wondering how they were going to survive without her. He would be faking Emily’s death, then fleeing because he was a coward who couldn’t bear to see their grief-stricken faces. He would be forced to confront his own actions, reveal the deadly secret that had been slowly killing him. He would damage the trust that had taken so long to build, damage the friendship he had with Morgan, potentially ruin the friendship between Reid and JJ.

He would be crying himself to sleep. Having nightmares that stopped him from doing that for more than a few moments.

And then Garcia would find him rocking himself in his office, whispering I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, to himself. She would drop her request for advanced technology, and once again wrap her arms around him. She would tell him that he did the right thing, that in time, everyone would forgive him, would trust him again. He would look at her, and her heart would break, because her boss should never look that pale and broken, and ask if she was sure.

She wouldn’t be able to answer for a moment. And then she would say she forgives him. And that it was okay.

The next day, Morgan would ask him to check a file. Reid would tell him about the stars. Garcia would bring him a slice of pie. Rossi wouldn’t make any comments that undermined his authority or showed a lack of trust. Prentiss would call him Hotch again, instead of sir. He would invite them for dinner, and they would all accept.

He would confess that keeping the secret had broken him, and they would all forgive him. He would finally let himself cry, let them put him back together. And they would decide to have a very dodgy sleepover- Garcia’s suggestion- because Jack wanted to see Henry, and who could ever say no to his requests.

And that night, Spencer Reid would phone his sponsor, not because he was scared of using, but because he didn’t want to.

Jennifer Jareau would snuggle up to William LaMontagne Jr instead of pulling away from him like she had the past few months.

Derek Morgan would not blame himself for everything that had gone wrong that day.

David Rossi would not curse the God he believed in, he would thank Him for bringing Emily back safely, and for granting Aaron peace.

Emily Prentiss would sleep without a knot in her stomach, for she would finally be sure her family would be okay.

And Aaron Hotchner would watch his family with a smile, before he finally fell asleep as well, not a single tear needed to exhaust himself. He would be a little more whole, once again sure the people around him did truly love him. And he would remember his wife, just before he fell asleep, and it wouldn’t hurt, because he was happy.

#criminal minds fanfiction #aaron hotchner #hurt hotch #sad hotch #dear lord why am i doing this #tw child abuse #sumayyah writes cm

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upside-down-uni · 3 years

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Hey! Idk if this is too much t9 ask, but could you rec me 2, 19, 20, 45, 55, 63, 69, 71, 72, 75, 86, 104, 111, 116, 131? sorry if it’s a lot but thanks in advance if u can rec me some! :)

Hi, you're in luck! I have an essay to procrastinate on and this ask is just the right thing to distract me! Here you go, I hope you'll find something that you like:

2. a book with a blue cover

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman. When i read it for the first time I was just on the brink of going to uni, still figuring out what I even wanted to study and this book just wrapped me in a warm blanket and said "it's going to be okay". I love the main characters Frances and Aled, their arcs and especially the really nice and quiet queer rep in this book.

19. a book that put you in a reading slump

The Knife Of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness. When I start a book I generally have the feeling that I can't put it away until I have finished it. With The Knife Of Never Letting Go my problem was that I did want to read it but it didn't fit my mood, so I couldn't bring myself to read it but also beat myself up about not reading it until I put it back onto my shelf. So, I basically pushed myself into a reading slump over this book.

21. a book with a red cover

Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers. I enjoyed this book so much but probably not for the reasons most people would think I enjoyed it? The wlw romance was definitely nice and I really liked them being dramatic but also kind of mundane? What really got me though was the strong theme of found family of young adults and queer friendships, that really yanked the yearning hours wide fucking open for me. (I also liked that in the end the book wasn't as much about romance as it was about finding yourself after surrendering yourself to academia for ages and working through your issues.)

45. a book featuring the friends to lovers trope

The Priory Of The Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon. I adore this book. It's so long and there's so much incredible world building and history in it that it made reading an untter delight! Coming in it was a bit hard to acclimate to the slow paste but after a while I just settled in and enjoyed the ride. It's a breathtaking story in a breathtaking universe and afaik there's a second part coming!

55. a book with a satisfying ending

Yolk by Mary H. K. Choi. Yolk doesn't really have an ending in the sense of a "happily ever after" but I really loved where the author chose to leave the characters and how she did it. The book is quite different from what I usually read, tonewise, but especially that ending made me leave the book with a warm feeling. (also the cover is yellow and really really gorgeous)

63. a book that actually made you laugh out loud

I would've reccd Red White and Royal Blue but judging by your url you've read that already...sooooo, it's Snapdragon by Kat Leyh! Super cute graphic novel, with a weird and adorable storyline and such lovable characters!

69. your favorite mythological retelling

I haven't read a mythological retelling in ages, so basic Percy Jackson by Rick Riordan will have to do.

71. your favorite LGBTQ+ fiction

now that's just rude how am I supposed to choose?? I'll say it's Every Heart A Doorway by Seanan McGuire and Gideon The Ninth by Tamsyn Muir and Loveless by Alice Oseman. I feel very strongly and very distinctly about all of them, if you can get your hands on them my only comment is READ. (and maybe make sure you're okay with gothic sci-fi horror for Gideon The Ninth)

72. a book with a gorgeous cover

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. It's her adult gothic horror debut after The Miseducation of Cameron Post and not only is the hardcover just stunning in black and red, it also got illustrations inside!! (And all teh women are queer and it's deliciously fucked up!)

75 a book featuring the I'm not like other girls trope

I think the closest I can come to that is The Lady's Guide To Piracy and Petticoats by Mackenzi Lee. The main character has to unlearn a bunch of stuff really fast if she wants to get along with the only other people that will help her. We have road trips in the 16th century, kidnapping and asshole husbands to be, piracy of course and friendship!

86. a book with an insane plot twist

Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand. Sawkill Girls was my first touch with horror and I have to say I have no idea whether there was heavy foreshadowing. I think I remember thinking that there was something else to come but when the shit hit the fan I just sat there with big questionmarks over my head because I had read the book in a frenzy in one evening and truly did NOT anticipate it. As someone who did not read horror or thriller before this I have to say I was already insanely confused and disgusted by a bunch of stuff that went down. But then...uh. the thing happened and I was just lost. (In a good way though.)

104. a fluffy sweet read

Let's Talk About Love by Claire Kann. It's been a while ever since I read it but it's essentially a cute summer story about Alice who's a disaster bisexual when she sees people she finds cute. Which is a little inconvenient because the new guy at her job is really, really, really extremely cute and she ceases to function around him. There's best friend drama, eating pizza iirc and figuring shit out!

111. a book writing a book

I assume it's either "a book about writing a book" or I am literally supposed to rec a book that is writing a book...I'm going to rec a book that is about books! (because I can.) It's The Girl Who Reads on the Métro by Christine Féret-Fleury and it follows a young woman called Juliette wo gets sucked into an old bookseller's world of life saving, life changing books. A really quiet, really cute book.

116. a book with multiple povs

the Reckless books by Cornelia Funke! Simply divine stroytelling, a vibrant world and amazing characters! I have to say that I only know the German original so I don't know what the English translation might be like.

131. recommend any book you like

um. so knife gang members and people who follow my main, you'll once again be subjected to me being a mess because of lesbian necromancers in space! I've mentioned it before, it lives in my head rent free, it is the one, the only Gideon The Ninth by Tamsyn Muir! It's an insane sci-fi horror fantasy blend where Gideon has to play cavalier to Reverend Daughter Harrowhark I-love-being- an-absolute-pain-in-the-ass-to-Gideon Nonagesimus to help her become an uber-necromancer (like Harrow needs motivation to become even more of a nerd and shockingly good at necromancy) for the Necrolord Prime/Undying Emperor. There's BEAUTIFUL WRITING sprinkled with MEMES when you least expect it. There is incredible toxic codependency and repression. There's MURDER. There's fancy necromancy theorems and DUELS. There's enemies to begrudging allies to ??? Staple your socks to your feet or this book will blow them clean off!

#book rec asks #mo answers #thanks for asking!#idk when you sent this ask but it popped up in my inbox just today so here you go!

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rebellect-writes · 4 years

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[SIZE=1][b]Name:[/b] Jess. [b]Age:[/b] An imaginary number! [b]What happened?:[/b] GH, she’s evil...and I like his hair.

[b]Name:[/b] Hunter Burnett. [b]Nicknames & Aliases:[/b][LIST]Uncle Jordon. Jordan Burnett. Hunter Jordan. [/LIST][b]Age:[/b] 286 [b]Date of Birth:[/b] June 4th, 1725. [b]Age at Death:[/b] 28. [b]Gender:[/b] Male. [b]Sexual Orientation:[/b] Questionable. [b]Occupation:[/b] Jack of all trades.

[b]Bloodline:[/b] Beast Master. [b]Power Level:[/b] Adult [s]Kiss[/s]. [b]Mind-Set:[/b] Both. [b]Animal to Call:[/b] None. [b]Powers:[/b] [LIST] [*] Heightened senses, reflexes, healing and strength. [*] Bite...If he enters the persons mind when feeding, he can make it less painful and more enjoyable. He doesn’t most of the time. [*] Empathy, he can smell some strong emotions like fear, rage, anger, lust. Since he’s of Padma’s bloodline, he’s also got a slight empathy to all animals. [*]Enthralling/rolling, he can only get this right with weaker shifters and normal humans. Anything stronger can break free. [*] Glamour, he can switch small things about him. Make his hair darker, eyes brighter, on will. [/LIST][b]Rank:[/b] Rogue. He can be tempted by the Kiss though.

[b]Face Claim:[/b] Gerard Way. [b]Description:[/b] [IMG]http://i325.photobucket.com/albums/k361/Mychemicalromance55_photos/mychem313.jpg[/IMG] [i]Height:[/i] 5’10 [i]Weight:[/i] 151lbs [i]Eyes:[/i] Hazel brown. [i]Hair:[/i] He’s a dyer. Naturally, it’s [URL=http://img.buzznet.com/assets/imgx/7/5/3/9/1/6/1/orig-7539161.jpg]black, he’s [/URL] gone [URL=http://quizilla.teennick.com/user_images/A/AM/AMU/AMUANDIKUTO4EVA/1264970042_5386_full.jpeg]blonde[/URL] in the past, but he’s currently sporting [URL=http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/19400000/Gerard-way-my-chemical-romance-19400197-467-700.jpg]red.[/URL] [i]Build:[/i] Average and lean. [i]Visible marks:[/i] He has a Crucifix burn mark on his left shoulder. [i]Style:[/i] Hunter likes to be comfortable. Since he travels a lot, he’s ditched the formal wear that he used to love and taken to jeans, t-shirts, a nice pair of boots. You name it, he’ll wear it. That doesn’t mean he won’t go back to formal(ish) wear.

[b]Special Skills:[/b][LIST] [*] Can speak pretty decent Spanish and French, well enough to get him by. [*] Not so much a fighter, more of a scrapper when it comes to combat. [*] Good with a knife or any type of blade, if being armed is what's needed. [/LIST][b]Personality:[/b][LIST]Hunter isn’t as complicated as most people would think. He’s a fairly easy going guy that likes to have a laugh and being a vampire nearly 300 years old hasn’t changed that, and why should it? Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he has to be a mopey Annie, he enjoys his unlife. He doesn’t judge people right off the bat and he’s willing to give them a choice to show their true colours before passing judgement and moving on with his life. He just understands that not everyone choses to be who they’ve become, or what they’ve become. Caring and nurturing – it comes with raising a boisterous were-puppy -, he’s got the patience of a saint at times and it’s hard to push him into snapping but not impossible.

Other vampires, more to the point the older kind, scare him and because of that he respects them a hell of a lot. He’s fine with anyone younger but the older ones make the hair on the back of his neck crawl. He knows he’s got to play it careful with the elders of his kind, they could easily shred him a new one if they wanted and to top that off he’s trespassing on an occupied territory. In some places that would have ended with his heart and head removed. Shape shifters are awesome; he’d rather run with someone that was furry inclined then spend time around his own kind. Maybe it’s because of his bloodline, he’s never worked it out, but if Hunter comes across a shape shifter in need, he’ll lend a hand. Humans are the same, as long as they’re not trying to stick a bullet or stake into him, he’s dandy.

He’s extremely protective of Grey, and has bled for his “nephew”, to the point that he has killed for him. Hunter would walk over broken glass if he had to, to make sure that Grey was comfortable, and he’d go without clothes on his back to make sure that Grey had what he needs. Does he love him? Yes. He’s been there since day one, and while it may seem a little odd to some but that’s just the way it is and the hand that Hunter’s been dealt. They’re not related by blood after all so it’s nothing incestuous despite the fact that he regularly refers to Grey as his “nephew” outside of the few people that Hunter can call friend. There blames himself for the death of his “family”, and he believes that he failed his friend from all those years ago, and it gnaws at him at times when he’s not really paying attention to what’s going on around him. [/LIST][b]Likes:[/b][LIST] [*] Being alive...Well, undead and alive. You get the picture. [*] His [URL=http://www.musclecarclub.com/musclecars/pontiac-firebird/images/pontiac-firebird-1968c.jpg]car[/URL]...Well, technically it's Grey's car now. [*] Living under the radar. [*] Keeping Grey safe, even if Grey doesn't always know it. [*] Wandering the coast at night. [*] When it's not to hot or to cold. [*] Playing games on his phone when he's bored. [*] Watching people. [/LIST][b]Dislikes:[/b] [LIST] [*] Following other people’s rules. [*] Wearing suits. Though he does it occasionally. [*] Being hunted like a dog. [*] Seeing Grey struggle with something. [*] Driving in the rain. [*] Seeing animals abused. (This includes shifters, as well.) [*] Pushing to get what he wants. [*] Being dragged into the spotlight, so to speak. [/LIST][b]Strengths:[/b][LIST] [*] Strong willed. [*] High pain tolerance. [*] Won't hesitate to get things done. [*] Grey. [*] Somehow manages to keep Grey calm when he's all worked up. [/LIST][b]Weaknesses:[/b][LIST] [*] Can't enter a person’s house without permission from the owner. Has killed because of this. [*] Normal vampire restrictions and weaknesses. Fire, sunlight, Holy items. [*] Grey! He failed his adopted family, he won't fail Grey. [*] Doesn't always feed right. A little taste here and there, just to hold him over. [*]Stubbornly persistent at times. It’s been known to get him into trouble. [/LIST][b]History:[/b]

When former British Naval officer turned pirate William Morgan found out that the tavern wench, Carmella, that he visited regularly was pregnant with his supposed spawn, he up rooted the poor woman and dragged her all the way from her home in Maracaibo to his home city of London, and in the early summer of 1725, Hunter was pushed screaming into the world and was welcomed with somewhat open arms. Carmella died from a fever and child birth complicates according to the back street midwife that William had paid to help deliver his son, and she wasn’t mourned. William wanted a son, not a wife or a real family, and he already had plenty of mistresses across many main trade routes waiting for him so one whore dead was no skin off his nose to see her buried in an unmarked grave just outside of the city.

For Hunter though, it meant something different. Since William didn’t haul the boy out to sea with him, he was left from the moment he could walk with William’s sister, Cassandra. She was nice enough, and made sure that her brother’s son was fed and looked after, but that was it. There wasn’t a maternal bone in the woman’s body, and Hunter grew to know this very well, especially when he got hurt and all she did was pour boiling hot salt water over his cuts and scrapes and scolded him for being irresponsible before always telling him the same story about how his father would be so disappointed and when he came back from his trip then she would tell him of all the bad things that Hunter had done. If anything that was what made him wish for his father’s return all the more, simply so he could meet the man even if he was to be scolded for being a typical boy. He was nine when William came back to London, and upon first meeting him, Hunter was scared. Worse yet, Cassandra lied through her back teeth to get Hunter out of her house and William had no choice but to agree after giving the boy a beating for causing his beloved sister so much trouble. Fear turned to twisted joy, and the following day he was dragged out of one life and into something...better. He’d always wanted to see new places, meet new people and have an adventure. He wasn’t disappointed either, so he waved good bye to England and followed his father like a loyal little puppy.

By the time Hunter twenty one years old, he returned to London under an assumed name of Jordan Hunter. William had died in a raid on a tavern in Panama nearly two years previous and it was that loss that had him seeking something else. It was his father that had taught him everything that he had known, and without him, well, Hunter saw no point in staying on as a pirate and that was a bit cowardly in itself and went against everything in him for the most part. Besides, piracy had been a dying art for years before his father had taken him away from Cassandra at the age of nine, but it was well and truly dead by the time he returned those thirteen years later with more knowledge of the world and with more than a few secrets and tricks up his sleeves. No doubt there was a noose waiting for him somewhere as well. A few weeks upon his return, he found out that Cassandra had moved to the country because of her health, and instead of tracking her down, Hunter decided to stay in the city and it took a year of roughing it out, but eventually he found his feet so to speak in a classy tavern come whore house in South London. He was to look after the working girls, make sure that they were treated somewhat correctly and if a John thought he could get away with something that the Lady of the house didn’t like, and then he was to deal with it and make sure that it wouldn’t happen again. Simple, really. Right? Right! It was something he could do with little to no trouble, because half the time the punters abided by the rules and Hunter became somewhat of a ghost, only appearing when trouble kicked off over the next few years.

Twenty six, almost twenty seven years old, and surprised that he’d lasted that long in anyone one job, Hunter made the mistake of stepping in to stop some high Lord from doing some serious damage to a girl named Mary, a new addition to the household. She was a sweet lass that was a little ditzy in Hunt’s opinion but she didn’t deserve the ever living Hell kicked out of her because someone had shot his ... pistol ... too early and in the wrong place. Mary was only eighteen at the time. Not liking it, the gentleman turned on Hunter in a rage but the Mistress of the house stepped in before it got too out of hand and warned the male away with the threat that he’d no longer be welcome in any brothel in the city if he didn’t leave. Luckily, the gentleman had some sense and left. That night, after a talk with the Mistress, Hunter became the unofficial career for some of the younger girls and that suited him fine. The ‘business’ was changing after all; he’d seen it rise up from a tavern where anyone could get what they wanted to something more refined. The year following, Hunter got close to Mary and as unwise as it was, he wouldn’t have changed it for the world. They just clicked. However, the good times weren’t something that just wasn’t meant to be. Lord Jennings came back on evening with his friends and they flashed a lot of money around. The Mistress, Emily as she was known, had no choice but to serve the ingrates, but she warned Hunter to be on the lookout for trouble as well as the more senior girls and staff. Mary was one of the unlucky girls that were called on to serve the gentlemen and while Hunter didn’t particularly like it, he had no choice but to let it happen. It wasn’t until later that night that Jennings changed from a rich snob to something else, something from the pits of Hell itself when the Mistress refused him personal service. For poor Hunter, it was like some of the stories he’d heard on his ‘travel’ made real.

The Mistress and Jennings tore into each other with fangs, two of Jennings friends turned into monstrous wolf like beasts that lunged for the closest living body that was near them, another turned into a snake-man. If that wasn’t bad enough, some of the girls turned to. Great cats attacked the wolf men, and those that didn’t transform tore into them with fangs. It seemed that Hunter was the only human amidst the nightmare, and after a moment’s hesitation he was spurred into action by something that he considered even worse. Mary had been cornered by a rabid creature, some kind of man-dog thing and Hunter didn’t hesitate in trying to defend her. One almighty smack across the back of his head sent him flying into the path of another monstrosity. Jennings. The vampire male had split from the Mistress and left her bleeding and broken on the floor and took after the disorientated Hunter, and the last thing that Hunter saw before the world went black was Jennings fangs.

He woke up three nights later, chained at the wrists and ankles in the houses cellar with no idea what had happened to him or the others. He’d never been to the lower levels of the house before, hadn’t wanted to, but the coffins lining the wall made him tremble. If it hadn’t been for the Mistress Emily who was in a similar position to him and trying to calm him down, Hunter would have found a way to raise unholy hell. The hunger he felt would have driven him to doing it anyway, but from what he was being told there was just something distracting about it. Jennings had turned him to spite the Mistress, who was in fact Jennings own wife and his former fledgling. Talk about having your mind blown open. Hunter had worked for Mistress Emily for nearly a decade and he’d never once thought of her as someone’s wife. He certainly hadn’t thought of her as a vampire either! The nightly sightings had been written off as being selective with her cliental but that was it, especially since she had more than enough people working for her to get whatever was needed during the day done. It was so crazy that it actually made sense to him. Hunter just didn't accept it fully until Jennings finally gave both of his 'toys' an audience and by then it was too late for him and Mistress Emily as they both listened to the Master vampire rage about how he hadn't wanted to take over Emily's life again, but the insults that he got because of her reputation had been too much for him as it had started to affect his business dealings in the city. It was time to bring his wife to heel! Back to her place at his side, even if he had to destroy everything that she had built during their ‘separation’ as he called it.

After Emily was beaten into submission verbally by her husband, Jennings turned on Hunter, simply because he’d stood up for one of Emily’s girls. As a lesson to his new fledgling, Jennings tore the throat out of one of the girls that Hunter had promised to look after in front of both of his ‘children’. The scent of blood drove Hunter wild, pushed him past being human to a place where only the blood mattered. Jennings let him loose and the only thing that Hunter cared about was the blood that was draining from the girl’s throat and he fell on her, feeding on what was left. Emily tried to bring him back to her, back to being human, back to being Hunter, and she almost succeeded by sheer force of will but at the end of the day, Jennings had his claws in Hunter and he also had Emily right where he wanted her and it was like that for nearly twenty years before anything changed. He didn’t go around as Jennings ‘servant’, he became Hunter again, all because he found out that Mary – who had because Emily’s maid more than a prostitute – had become pregnant with a child to one of Jennings shape shifter friends, a weredog, just like she was. What made Hunter more surprised than suspicious was that Mary claimed she was in love with the male, and there hadn’t been any force involved. He had no option but to agree when he saw what she was like around him. If only he knew how Jennings would react ahead of time, maybe he’d have been able to stop his sire for doing something stupid.

The birth was complicated. Mistress Emily had taken over the proceedings as midwife while Lord Archibald paced in the hallway waiting to see if he had a son or a daughter. Hunter did as he was told, fetched water and towels and was the perfect little man servant. It was on his second trip up from the kitchens that he found Master Jennings had returned early from a business trip – much to everyone’s surprise – and had found out what was happening. He flew into a rage unlike Hunter had ever seen before, and turned on the vulnerable Mary screaming and cursing that she was ruining the bed. Archibald and Emily lunged to keep him away from the woman and Hunter was the one that had to finish delivering the baby and even though he had no idea what he was doing and there was a battle raging behind him, between him and Mary, the young shapeshifter was brought into the world kicking and screaming. It should’ve been a happy moment, and it was, in a way, but one moment Hunter was on his feet and the next he was collapsing and clutching at his chest. He didn’t know that Emily had taken Jennings head clean off his shoulders, leaving Archibald to deal with the rest. A life for a life, the baby was alive and Hunter was dying for a second time. It was a good exchange in Hunters eyes. However it wasn't in Emily's. She blood oathed him to herself in a last ditch attempt to save his life and she almost lost him. Almost. To them, Jennings had never returned home that day and the never mentioned him again.

Excitement over, the vampires became unspoken godparents to the child that had been named Thomas, and they watched as he grew up and his parents passed on seventy years later. Hunter was barely past his first century of un-life and could have done anything or gone anywhere, but a bond of friendship kept him there. Even after Emily finally grew bored with watching out for her friend’s children and their children’s children and moved on, Hunter stuck around keeping tabs on the closest thing that he had to a family. He became an unspoken Uncle. Sure, he was sad to see Emily go but he just couldn’t do it, and wouldn’t do it for all the tea in China. The only problem was that since his Mistress had left to find something else to occupy her, Hunter had to be careful. It wasn’t right for a “rogue” vampire to wander into Kiss’ territories unannounced, and feeding in a territory that was controlled by a Master vampire was even more dangerous for him. So he crept around the territory lines, nibbled rather than fed, and vanished when there was any sign of trouble headed his way. It wasn’t a perfect life, but it was his to do with as he wished.

He travelled a bit even though he kept in contact since some of the weredog’s that came and went didn’t seem to like him being close to them or their kin. He dropped out of contact for sixty years at one point because he’d been focused on getting a job and getting some money put away in case he ever needed it, and he did get a bit put away for a rainy day. When he finally came back into contact with the dogs and a lot had changed, Hunter was only glad that he could come back in time to see Grey born and could be in the kids life from the start rather than coming in later and getting growled at by someone. He wouldn’t admit it, but Hunter had been growing tired of everything, those sixty years before Grey’s birth had been tiresome and Hunter hadn’t been able to see the point in trying anymore, but things were oddly different now. So he became Uncle Hunter to Grey and for the first year and a half everything was grand, there wasn’t any trouble that they couldn’t get passed. He should’ve known that it would change though, one night hunters tracked down the family of weredogs and slaughtered them all. Hunter had been out feeding in the main town, rather than staying at the family home that night. He got there too late to save anyone, but he did find Grey stashed away in the cupboard under the stairs. After leaving an anonymous 999 call, Hunter left with Grey; the only thing on his mind was how it would look if the police turned up and found him standing amongst the bodies of his family. It would’ve looked liked he’d done it rather than a roving gang of murderers that pretended to be on a mission from God to destroy monsters

So, they travelled for a bit together. Scotland, Ireland, the States, you name it. It was a bit tricky for Hunter, having to explain why Grey wasn’t in school and what not, but he passed it off as him being in private education. People tended to leave them alone once they heard that, but Hunter – who was going as Jordon at the time – dealt with it and made sure Grey wasn’t affected much. Around about the time that Grey hit fifteen years of age, the kid went through his first shape shift. Hunter was glad of this, even though Grey pretty much freaked out over the fact it was a dog form rather than something fancy like a wolf or bear, but that pretty much sorted itself out when Hunter told him that he turned into a [i]big[/i] dog. Since Hunter had pretty much dragged Grey to the states to make sure no one found out that he was a weredog and could connect him to the family tragedy, it was time to come back home to the UK but not before Hunter paid a few of his old Mistress’s ‘friends’ to find out what had happened all those years before. What was turned up was just a little disturbing to say the least. A rogue sect of Human against Vampires had killed Hunters family all that time ago because of him, and it tore him up inside to learn this.

Four years later, the nightmare came back to finish what was started. Grey was nineteen and Hunter was, well, typical dorky Hunter over a movie night when their little rented house was raided. Hunter told Grey to run as he took one of the humans out before swiftly following. It was only later when they met up on the outside of town to watch their house go up in flames that Hunter realized just how important Grey was to him. It was little too late though, the hunters found them and Hunter threw himself at the lot of them so Grey could runaway and that he’d catch up with him later. What Hunter didn’t want Grey to see was him tearing into the crew of slayers with a rage he didn’t even know existed until he saw their leering grins. Throats game out between fangs, silver bullets hit home weakening him more and more until eventually he was left broken on the floor. Rather than kill him out right like anyone sane would do, they hauled his mangled body to a lock up, told him that he was going to be used as an example for monsters in the area.

Now a vampire can take a lot of damage, they beat him, starved him, and threatened to burn his face off with holy water, you name it, and Hunter dealt with it. He even got a pretty cross shaped scar for mouthing off to a chick that obviously wasn’t getting any at home. It wasn’t until two weeks into this Hell that things got interesting. They started bringing in animals for him to feed off, dogs, cats, rats, hell even some idiot brought him a goat. Rather than feed though, he manipulated the animals even though it cost him. A dog would bite here; a cat would take a swipe at someone’s face. It was worth it because one of the punks came close enough for Hunter to snag him by the throat and tore into it, draining the life from the slayer. All he wanted was the blood at first, but the keys to the pretty jeep and his chains were a bonus. Using the animals as a diversion, Hunter got out of the waterside warehouse and the hell out of dodge. Even though it took him a couple of more weeks to track Grey down, he wasn’t in any state to confront the young weredog. He did however stick close to Grey, more a silent uncle that was heard rather than seen. While he was healing up and Grey was getting on with life, Hunter found out that HAV had found Grey in London. Seeing red, he went straight to Grey’s flat and broke in, he wasn’t going to beat around the bush and told Grey everything that he knew before dragging him out of there and telling Grey’s neighbours that there were trouble makers on the way and that they should call the police because there would be guns! Well, as you can imagine it wasn’t the best reunion and Hunter would’ve done anything to make it better except he couldn’t. All he could do was point Grey in the direction of Jackford with a promise that he’d follow him after he gave the slayers some new tails to chase, and he did.[/SIZE]

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this-seems-familiar · 4 years

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introductions.

if you’re seeing this post then this blog has officially gone live!

my name is morgan, and while this blog is being established in the year of our lord 2020, i’ve been a fan of once upon a time since the end of the third season (and while i definitely have--opinions, on the later seasons, i kept up with the show until the end). i figured it might be a good idea to start a separate url if i wanted to get more serious about the development of my own original character, jane andromeda hawkins, at least partially modeled after jim hawkins of treasure planet fame--mostly because i know that’ll lead to me rewatching and i figured some of the follwers on my personal url @thatdamnokie may not appreciate the influx of reblogs. i’m 29 years old and live in oklahoma, u.s. of a.

as for the tagging system--i will probably tag posts by character name, including general aesthetic posts. this means that jane will get her own tag and anything related to her character will be tagged #about jane. this blog is multi-ship friendly (which means i’ll probably use those tags too!), but for the purposes of jane, i ship her shamelessly with archie hopper. their ship tag will be #seeing stars, just in case you’d like to blacklist it. i know not everyone’s here for oc content, and that’s totally okay! jane’s storybrooke name is elliott mcgrath.

i know i’m a little late to the party, but it’s nice to be here!

#once upon a time #ouat #morgan talks #meet the blogger #introductory post

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alterniea · 5 years

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Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo

Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo, known on tumblr as jettsettrolls, ppeacherine, maid-butterfingers, 7trolls, and many other deleted urls.

In this day and age, I am extremely reluctant to make any sort of “callout” post. I do not believe in supporting the culture of tearing someone to shreds for something relatively minor that happened years ago. I would LOVE to have this disappear into the ether and never think of it again. In fact, I have been wishing for that for practically a decade. However, I have been pushed to my wit’s end repeatedly and have quietly faced having my reputation stained for YEARS.

This is not a callout post. This is a post to lay out my resources and testimonials from other people, to shed light on Jett as a person, and to perhaps set the record straight on some of her claims. I have not publicly retaliated before this. This is likely irrelevant information to all of my followers, but for me it’s important to organize. This post will mostly exist as a reference. I will add more if I have to.

IN SUMMARY: Jett (real name Morgan) is a person who I have known for 10 years. She consistently publicly claims that I am an abusive predator and dangerous to be around, particularly around minors. This has repeatedly caused me to self-isolate or face the consequences of a damaged reputation. She does this without providing evidence other than her word. On the flip side, I have saved messages from people about how Jett treated them poorly and inflicted much of the same pain that she claims I caused her.

GENERAL WARNING FOR ABUSE, SUICIDE, PEDOPHILIA, ETC.

As of October 2019, Jett is still posting about me on her blog in juxtaposition with murderers and child abusers. She states to be against cancel culture, which is very interesting, given what follows in this post. She has built her identity around being a victim of my apparent mastermind.

Here is recent post of her’s. She admits to attempting to “ruin” me to new people that I try to meet in the past.

https://imgur.com/a/hLWkYJl

RECENT EVENTS: Admittedly, I am unsure of where to start on this. I suppose I’ll start by highlighting something that happened relatively recently. In March of 2019 I attempted to join an OCT that was hosted by someone who had heard Jett’s stories about me. The host contacted me with intention to ban me from the competition. What follows is a conversation where I briefly recount my entire relationship with Jett. Make note of how the host says they “loathe her” and that Jett “victimize[s] herself”.

https://imgur.com/a/ygRshvF

Upset about the outcome of this conversation, I went against my own statements and chose to speak to James (Revs). James states that he attempted suicide because of the way he was treated by people during the incident and that he was angry about the misinformation and punishment I was facing years later. This conversation contains very personal information and is posted with James’s permission.

https://imgur.com/a/fly6jHW

In my conversation with the OCT host I mention that Jett deleted one of her fantroll blogs after being targeted by a post by Warrentrolls. Here is the post in question which provides its own links which I will also include. Please note that Jett admits to not having receipts and that her feelings are proof enough of my guilt. This was one of her many attempts to attack me without provocation. This happened in 2018.

https://warrentrolls.tumblr.com/post/176858842147/warrentrolls-7trolls-someone-raised-a-rly

Also mentioned in Jett’s post is an unnamed minor. At the time of the incident four years ago, Jett attempted to message one of my minor friends out of “concern” for them. Their conversation was not recorded, but I have a recent (September 2019) conversation with mentioned friend where they recall their interactions with Jett and express their opinion on the matter. I have redacted their name.

https://imgur.com/a/rELGtaM

From these recent conversations it’s obviously clear that misinformation and rumors about people spread because of Jett and last for many years. It’s also clear that she is not held in positive regard by the people who interact with her or know of her.

PAST EVENTS: In these links you may see the name “Kayla” pop up several times. Kayla was a friend of Jett and me in 2015-2016. Kayla was one of the only people willing to listen to me when Jett decided to raze my reputation while the two were still friends. Jett targeted, isolated, and emotionally/mentally abused Kayla during their friendship, and blames me for it.

Here is Kayla’s entire recollection of their friendship. She mentions me at the end and how Jett attempted to attack me and blames me for her own behavior. This was posted in September 2016.

https://sta.sh/0jssy5m7srw

Here is a supplemental conversation between me and Kayla about the same topic. This was posted in September 2016 and took place in February 2016.

https://imgur.com/a/xRAcFky

Here is the entire conversation between Kayla and Jett when they ended their friendship. This was posted in September 2016 and presumably took place in February 2016. Kayla has added context and commentary in italics. You can see how Jett was upset that Kayla was branching out and making other friends and decided to end their friendship after she realized she could no longer control Kayla.

https://sta.sh/02b8rznk9i61

There are multiple other old conversations I have saved that I do not have permission to share, but they reflect that this behavior is not an isolated incident. There are other people in the fantroll community who faced similar experiences with Jett and when their friendships went sour they had to retreat in fear that Jett would smear their reputations like what she did to me. These people want their anonymity to be preserved, but they exist and their experiences matter.

This is a small snippet from Jett’s perspective as of August 2018. Note her use of language to say that I “used” her to join the fantroll community and she then became upset when I formed other friendships. I cannot provide further context.

https://imgur.com/a/KT4fwQD

I haven’t spoken to her for years and I have no desire to. I assume that there’s more incidents that I am not aware of.

You may have noticed that I do not mention much about the events that took place when Jett and I first met, which was back around 2011-ish, when I was a young teenager. I outlined my recollections in my conversation with the OCT host. I’m not focusing on the very old stuff because I do not have any solid proof of the interactions, and, unlike some people, I know that feelings are not proof. I believe it would be disingenuous for me to spend a long time retelling a high school drama story with no supplemental material.

That is not to say I am, or was, a saint. As a child I was very mentally ill and faced sexual abuse by an older man for many years. I am unable to participate in romantic relationships and have a very strong aversion to being touched. I have struggled with eating disorders and have attempted suicide twice, resulting in long stays at the hospital. It took me a very long time to come to terms with my past and it fills me with shame and guilt to admit or share anything about it. These events took place while I was still friends with Jett in high school, but were not related to her. My mental health has been stable for years now but sometimes it can be hard.

IN CONCLUSION: I hate to make this post about something that should be irrelevant, old, and inconsequential. I do not like to be the person making a post about what someone did years ago. I have always tried to be conscientious about keeping inflammatory content off of my blog. I keep my head down. I second guess myself constantly and often isolate myself from my friends. I live in fear that if I leave my box and reach out to new corners of the internet, Jett’s influence will follow me. And it has. It still does.

I invite you to form your own opinions and conclusions. Jett’s core belief that people, especially minors, should be protected from predators is something that I completely support and advocate for. However, her persistent defamation and crusade against me has gone on too long. I finally feel confident enough to say something back.

To Jett, please be more aware of the damage you cause and stop blaming me when you hurt other people. Stop lying. You used minors like James and my friend to try and demonize me without considering how they felt about the situation. Now you get to see how they feel as adults. I’ve attempted to ignore all of this for years and faced consequences in private. I wish you well, but I need to say something in my own defense.

#ooc #save #what a terrible post this is to make in 2019 #i am not very active on tumblr currently but i would like to have this up for future reference #drama #when it comes down to it this is fairly petty drama but i hope those who read it will understand my frustration #good night everyone

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transkieran · 5 years

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anyway, guarma & colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy (& friends) think abusive ships are a funny way to get under someone’s skin

JUST FYI: I woulda had this conversation in private, but @guarma keeps calling Erin a bitch with a god-complex, even though everything she accuses Erin of is something I did, and she refuses to acknowledge me. So no more private, she called me a pussy for not confronting her. Well here's the confront ig!

background context: people decided to start shitting on the Yehaw Function server again in another server (let’s say ‘A’ bc I do not wish to drag the owner into this, they were rarely online). @ssupeck21 thought it was perfectly fine to mock the gender and race of a two-spirited native trans guy. nice transphobia and racism there!

considering i remarked on it, they realized i knew him and suspected me of leaking the above screenshot to the YF server. i had already left this server at the end of february over several reasons, including erin’s server becoming my main one. i’m also reasonably sure i have mentioned no longer being in YF at some point. damage done: kate (guarma) and pongo ( @colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy ) now think i’m “a spy” for YF. (ironic because @ssupeck21 let @jennyxbeans into erin’s server bc she was spying for jenn. and more irony later)

as proven in DM to someone later (oh no, a spied image?), they had the amazing idea to bait me and erin with something that is a massive trigger for me (bully/victim ships). some weirdness: by that time, i’d only made about 2 b/k posts on my blog, neither of which mentioned my trauma i’m pretty sure. erin meanwhile, wasn’t even in the original convi from the first screenshot, though she has mentioned she finds b/k gross.

so whilst this in its entirety is already immature in itself (really? you think someone is sending screenshots and wanna get ‘revenge’ when you constantly rely on getting screenshots yourself? yes i know someone leaked you screenshots of YF, kate). but also: for someone who talked about being abused and having anxiety, she should know better than use an abusive ship to get back at someone. because i’m 99% sure she knows b/k is a trigger for me; whilst not on my blog, i have had plenty of rants and vents in servers about how b/k is not good for my mental health and that it will make me panic.

conversation #1 (i do not have screenshots of this): someone asked what everyone’s ships are in rdr2. bill/kieran gets mentioned, at some point i put rooWut (a disgusted looking emote) and remark something about abusive gay ships being cute to them. it gets glossed over, i leave.

conversation #2. the conversation moves to the nsfw channel, where they pin the message in the above screenshot. ha ha , bully/victim ships are a funny joke! conversation moves on to arthur and other things until Pongo clearly feels like she wants to force a reaction out of me and/or erin. (living dead girl is erin, i am dan’s achy breaky heart).

at this point, my anxiety spikes and i put something along the lines of “my fist up your ass would look cute” in the vent chat of Erin’s server. NSFW with b/k is not good for me, at all. it made me flashback to something, i’m basically just trying to not have a panic attack. but ! ofc , why stop now.

pongo makes another comment, now not under a spoiler tag and clearly with the context of the DM to get another reaction out of me. erin puts a completely unrelated image to try and divert the conversation, because i’m like entirely losing it at this point---but kate and pongo think it’s hilarious to talk about actually shipping it and kate (micah bell’s dumb hair in the screenshots) is all “omg i wanna write a smut now for them”.

also: my nickname in this server includes ‘trans kieran’ at this point , either as just my url or like “lion ♡ trans kieran”. they all know i am a gay trans guy, even if some of them currently like to pretend they don’t know me. (hi, @morlawny who doesn’t even wanna say my name at this point despite being all nice in erin’s server.)

i can’t entirely remember my own message, nor do i have screenshots of it because i send it and left and they deleted it like straight after it seems (because an older screenshot, from the day itself, also didn’t have my message anymore). i left because at that point, i lost all ability to think straight. because someone can remark on b/k before and they’ll still be all “ha ha funny!”

at this point, in erin’s server, two things happen. one friend of kate, who isn’t in the server this happened in, asks if she ships bill/kieran and kate admits her plan to just trigger me. because of this, kate starts acting like the victim and making me out like the bad guy who’s shittalking her and refuses to talk to her--which, during a panic attack and with my feelings very clear, i don’t need to.

secondly, another friend of kate decides my trauma is funny and starts to send kate (on request) screenshots of the vent conversation in erin’s server, starting from the goddamn my fist up your ass comment. the conversation also includes details of my trauma. my trauma is being send around like gossip.

also this happens in the server i left and i get send it:

i dunno what planet anyone is living on but, apparently my melt down was only good for one thing: getting mocked. “kieran’s coochie” is transphobic as fuck when you’re laughing at a trans guy getting upset over bill/kieran. especially when it’s very clear i hc kieran as trans. yet, pongo, wolfy ( @soulheartthewolf ) and kate seem to think it’s fucking hilarious.

kate and pongo then try to play the “we were just joking!” card. when everyone i’ve had read those screenshots agrees nothing about it reads as a joke, and we’re now very sure they weren’t joking about, they were being vile and malicious. (but hey, what’s to expect from someone who says they’d fuck a fictional racist if he was real! that’s ... excusing racism, kate).

(guarma is micah bell? you mean my husband ;; pongo is arthur morgan is an incel. the other person is the artist who drew young micah, idk their url anymore)

“my mocking of the Bill/Kieran ship” I’m so sorry, Kate, but nothing about nsfw b/k and wanting to write a fic about it, reads as mocking. This entire “it’s just a joke!” doesn’t diminish the fact that you triggered a panic attack. Yes, I shittalked you, because I felt like it was goddamn deserved for "joking” about an abusive ship in a way that didn’t read as a joke. because after I left neither of you got the damn hint and just went straight for the transphobia. It’s not get together and hate guarma, it’s “lion has a panic attack and will actually react insanely aggressively about the things that upset him”. You can turn and twist this into you being the victim all you want, but you ain’t. You’re a pathetic example of a 19 year old who thinks it’s funny to trigger flashbacks and panic attacks. I didn’t talk to you, because at the time the only thing I would’ve probably said, which is also what I’m saying now, is: go shove an entire cactus up your ass, you pathetic cunt of a human being.

Leave Erin out of this, it’s goddamn hilarious you keep going after a cis bi woman instead of after me, a gay trans guy, and god I fucking wonder why.

You interact with people who think they can just be racist and transphobic towards anyone they like ( @ssupeck21 ), with people who’ll willing send you all the screenshots you want, with people who send anon hate ( @jennyxbeans ), you’re treating trauma and abuse like a joke and then have the gal to be all “i’d never because i have anxiety!” No. Own up to your shit.

(I could go on in this post about how she’s just as bad a shittalking, leaked screenshot-wanting piece of shit but hey, the post is very long already so whatever).

edit: i have deleted screenshot leaking accusations towards morlawny bc i can’t actually prove them but i’m keeping up the thing where you decided to be all nice to me in servers, but then turned around and were all “idk kate didn’t say any of that” (i literally know u were there for those conversations, your name in screenshots!) and tried to defend her constantly in a DM with someone.

#red dead redemption #guarma #userguarma #idk if she has a tag lmao #colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy

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acuppellarp · 5 years

Photo

Welcome (again) to A Cup-pella, Wen! We’re excited to have you and Cora Anderson in the game! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Wen + she/her Age: younger than some buildings Timezone: GMT+1 Ships: Cora/Bottoms, Cora/Happiness, Cora/The world outside the closet Anti-Ships: Cora/Forced

IC INFO

Full Name: Cordelia Rhiannon Anderson Face Claim: Natalie Dormer Age/Birthday: 29 / January 5, 1990 Occupation: Actress Personality: charming, charismatic, driven, ambitious, judgmental, proud, superficially outgoing but hermetic with her feelings. Hometown: Greenwich, CT Bio: The person that’s influenced Cora’s life the most is, undoubtedly, her mother. Which is remarkable considering she was only alive for the first three years of Cora’s life, and her daughter doesn’t really remember anything about her. But Morgan Anderson (Lady Morgan, technically) was Richard Anderson’s first love, and she was gone before she could do anything to tarnish his idealized image of her.

Carrying the legacy of a perfect woman is not exactly an easy task, but Cora had the good fortune to be mostly perfect just by virtue of winning the genetic lottery. She had her mother’s light blond hair and porcelain skin, and her father’s striking blue eyes. She was bright and outgoing, effortlessly charming, and - thanks to her father’s firm hand - perfectly polite even at only five years old. Which may have been the reason why her father’s second wife immediately fell in love with her and treated her like her own.

Her childhood was busy in a very structured way. She had classes at an exclusive and challenging private school, and a wide variety of extra-curriculars that for some reason she never got to choose. But the more Cora grew, the more she looked like a blue-eyed version of Morgan. So why wouldn’t she want to do exactly the same things her mother had loved?

Cora learned ballet and drama. She played polo and practiced fencing. She played the piano and tried not to fidget in her seat when her father took her to special father-daughter outings to listen to symphonic orchestras and watch famous ballet companies from all over the world. She always wondered why he didn’t take Blair instead. Blair loved music. But her father was never that concerned with Blair’s interests.

When she was fifteen, Cora traveled to Wales to spend the summer with her mother’s family, and learned there was a whole new set of expectations to fulfill on the other side of the pond. She didn’t just have to be perfect like her mother: she had to have the background to belong in the same circles Morgan used to thrive in.

At Benenden School, Cora quickly realized being at the top of the food pyramid in Connecticut meant next to nothing among the daughters and granddaughters of British peers and centuries-old family fortunes. Cora’s accent was wrong. Her posture was wrong. The way she carried herself, the people she knew and didn’t know, her father’s job, the things she’d worked so hard to learn at school - it was all wrong.

But Cordelia Anderson had been trained to be perfect. And that was exactly what she was going to be.

When Christmas break rolled around, she refused to go home to Connecticut. She went to her grandparents’ manor in Wales, sat her grandmother down, and asked her to teach her. Through the years, she’d learned to be malleable - to become whatever her father expected her to be - and now she wanted Lady Rhiannon to undo everything Cora had been molded to be, and start over from scratch.

By the start of the Spring Term, not even the teachers could tell she’d ever set foot in America. And now that she’d climbed up to the same level as the rest of the girls, all she had to do was charm her way to the top.

She finished school at 18, with her social calendar full to the brim with high society events, every academic achievement she could get her hands on, and an enthusiastic acceptance from Cambridge where she planned to study History.

A call home was all it took to inform her she would be doing no such thing. She had an audition with the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London, where she would be studying drama - just like Morgan before her. Maybe her father would’ve let her go into History instead if she’d told him that was what she wanted, but he never asked, and she knew better than to tell.

Cora was a natural on stage, which she blamed on a lifetime of embodying the role of her father’s dream daughter. She soon became the most promising new talent in London’s theatrical circuit, and she was even invited to perform with a select few at one of the most important galas in the city. Everyone who was somebody was therem and among them, there was Leopold. Lord Leopold, technically. She didn’t feel much of anything towards him - good or bad - but her father liked him. He had contacts, Richard said, not only a title. He wanted Leopold for her.

Cora had been acting since she was three years old, and she’d read enough about love to know what a woman in love should feel. And even if she didn’t feel it herself, she acted like she did. Leopold, she figured, was pleasant enough. He was head over heels in love with her, and - as he constantly repeated - the only reason he hadn’t proposed yet was that she had to finish college first. And then law school. And then, of course, settle into her rightful place in politics next to his father. Cora was more than happy to wait.

While her boyfriend built the foundation of their future life together, as he liked to put it, Cora graduated from RADA and made her way to the big leagues at the Shakespeare Theatre Company. And for the first time, she thought she could really feel all those things women in love were supposed to feel. The butterflies, the heart skipping beats… she was in love with London and its stages, and London fell in love with her.

With several Olivier awards on her shelf and an undisputed seat among the West End’s current royalty, Broadway has set its sights on her. And though she’s declined several offers out of loyalty to the city that owns her heart, she’s now been offered the lead on the upcoming all-female version of A Midsummer’s Night Dream, and she couldn’t say no.

Pets: None. She owns a couple of horses who live at her grandparents’ estate, but they’re not exactly pets. She’d love to have an Old English Sheepdog if she ever puts down roots somewhere. Relationships:

Blair Anderson: Younger sister. They’re not close because Cora’s been in the UK since Blair was 9, but there’s no animosity on Cora’s part. Her sister is just virtually a stranger (though she’s definitely heard a lot about her from their father) so Cora doesn’t find relating to her particularly easy.

Bea Smith: They did a show together at the Shakespeare Theatre Company a few years back, and they’ve stayed in touch. Though Bea had a bit of a straight girl crush on Cora, Cora was completely oblivious. If she’d known she’d have been very flattered but not really surprised.

Jessi St. James: When Jessi was in London for her semester abroad in college, her class had a workshop experience with the Shakespeare Theatre Company and Cora was one of the professional actors who ran the lessons. They’ve stayed in touch through the years, and Cora is excited to see what’s been going on with Jess.

Serena Smythe: They went to the same prep school in Connecticut when they were kids. Their fathers are acquainted and they were friends, though it was never a very close friendship. Though they wouldn’t exactly call each other ‘friend’ in the strict sense of the word, they’ve both been trained to know you never lose a contact that may come in handy later, so they’ve kept a friendly relationship going.

EXTRA INFO

Twitter name/twitter URL/description: Cordelia Anderson | @cordeliaranderson | Actress. Currently in NYC, but my heart is still in London. “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.”

Five latest tweets:

@cordeliaranderson If I don’t tweet in the next 15 minutes, assume I looked the wrong way to cross the street and was run over by a cab. @cordeliaranderson #faq Friday: not related to @gillianA, but I’d be happy to sign those adoption papers #makeithappen @cordeliaranderson Went to TKTS Times Square thinking it’d be like the one at Leicester Square, was nearly trampled by the crowd #liveandlearn @cordeliaranderson First reading for investors! Ever seen a one-woman reading of Midsummer Night’s dream? #trailblazer @cordeliaranderson Mark my words: if there is ever another US/UK war, it shall be over the biscuit controversy.

#accepted

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proofthatihaveaheart · 5 years

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ok so overall i enjoyed endgame, i had a fun time, and while i expected there to be a drag at some point (because 3 hours, what), there wasn’t? it was enjoyable all the way through and the pacing felt right. that said, i definitely had things i didn’t like so here’s my breakdown of good and bad:

the good:

tony and nebula playing games and tony trying to share blueberries (i think that’s what they were?) with her and then nebula placing him on the seat so he could drift off with the stars AND THEN CAROL APPEARING IN GOLDEN LIGHT - all so very good

speaking of him, tony’s arc - IT WAS SO GOOD, LIKE WOW!!!! of all the character arcs, tony’s had the most consistent throughout the mcu and this movie built it to a final beautiful crescendo. tony returning gaunt and broken and so sad, building a life for himself with pepper and his daughter, it’s all the rest and domesticity he deserved; until steve, scott, and nat show up with a plan to save the universe and he’s not, he’s not going to do it - except that’s not tony stark. if there’s a way to help people, if there’s a chance to undo the snap, his mind can’t, won’t let it go, he’s just going to run the simulations and it works, tony stark invented time travel in a evening folks <3

and then his talk with pepper, she knows him and she knows he can’t rest unless he does this, and it was just a lovely moment

“i love you 3000″ CRYING!! TONY WAS THE BEST DAD YOU KNOW THAT

ok talking a little longer about tony because he was so good, he got some closure with his father, he had a fantastic team-up with steve (hey? the “do you i trust me” scene was good and honestly mcu should have developed their relationship over the course of these movies, they’re so important to each other in the comics, also they should have talked more about things but whatevs i’ll take it), they get the stones and he builds the gauntlet, fighting side by side with pepper in the final battle, he had five years of simple happiness, i love iron fam

AND THEN THE FINAL BATTLE!!!!! THANOS GOING TO SNAP BUT THE STONES ARE GONE, HIS GLOVE IS EMPTY BECAUSE TONY STARK MADE AN INFINITY GAUNTLET OUT OF HIS OWN ARMOR IT WAS EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE WANTED AND MORE HE MADE A GAUNTLET AND HE SNAPS AND SAVES THE DAY TONY STARK DIED TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE AND HE’S A HERO, NO ONE CAN EVER CALL HIM SELFISH AGAIN OR QUESTION WHETHER HE WOULD MAKE THE SACRIFICE PLAY OH MY

“I AM IRON MAN”

and then the quiet “pep”

pepper saying you can rest now

dying surrounded by his family

i cried twice. once as tony died, and then again when morgan asked for a cheeseburger, he’s my favorite of the original six and his arc was perfect and there were a lot of feelings going around

his funeral was gorgeous too, everyone lined up with the people he was closest to at the front. my url making an appearance, proof that tony stark has a heart, i cried, my heart hurt, i’m crushed that he died but all of it was such a beautiful send-off, true to his character and to his arc, it just worked beautifully

ok and now to talk about non iron man stuff

actually i lied, one last thing, the steve/tony was on-point and so good and i’m still bitter that the mcu didn’t take the route of the comics with them, really with the idea of the avengers in general (tony builds a home for steve? the avengers become his family and purpose? where is that arc @ mcu), but this movie was chockful of good things between them

nat being the leader of the avengers in the five years, leading missions and acting as point. it was so good

also i did not like the outcome of the scene but the scene between nat and clint at vormir was very good, each of them wanting to die so the other didn’t have to, nat wanting to give clint a second chance like he gave her, it was good and their friendship (THE FOREHEAD TOUCH) is one of my favorite things

hulk adskdljaskldjlks. does it make sense? no, not really, but he was hilarious and while i wish he could have had an actual arc (why wasn’t he helping the avengers in those five years? why???), i did enjoy the humor he brought and the kindness he showed scott with the tacos

speaking of scott, i loved scott, i loved the levity he brought and he was there the perfect amount

thor completely letting himself go because ptsd is a messy affair, and then his face when he can still call his hammer to him, that knowledge that he IS still worthy + his interaction with his mom, i didn’t like everything with thor but i did like this

“we became sisters” i’m still devastated about gamora and this line from nebula did all kinds of things to my heart

time heist was lots of fun, it was a mess and i’m not happy about the paradoxes (more on that below), but also avengers 1 callbacks and expanded moments! tony and steve breaking into a 1970s bunker! the team working together! i loved!

everyone coming out of the portals, ready to fight in this last epic battle

“avengers... assemble” i got chills

every time the theme from avengers played, what a good theme

CAP USING THE HAMMER BECAUSE HE’S WORTHY HECK YEAH

carol decimating the ship and then coming down to help peter, “hey peter parker, you got something for me?” with that smile, so sweet <3 <3 <3

also loved her short hair, such a look, i hope she keeps it for the next one

speaking of passing on the infinity gauntlet, i enjoyed that it got passed around to the new leads of the mcu, it was good

steve passing the shield on to sam!!! i have issues with some of his ending but i was overjoyed to see him give the shield to sam, he deserves it and i salute our new winged captain

the bad:

the big problem with the mcu has always been that they didn’t build the avengers up as a family so every time they referenced that in this movie, i just shook my head. they should have been a family, but you screwed that up, saying it now doesn’t make it true. can you imagine how much better the mcu would have been if it was about family?

time travel paradoxes - how did killing thanos not screw things up? what about loki escaping? or steve fighting himself when that was one of the cardinal rules of time travel? it was a mess, it’s like they didn’t even try (they didn’t, i still had fun but some of the choices made me raise my eyebrows)

nat dying, the more i think about it, the more i hate it. it would have been more satisfying for clint to die (apologies to his family), a moment of redemption for all the lives he’s taken the past 5 years. but instead we get the only female original avenger dying and not even getting a funeral, just the other avengers standing around and being sad and wow has there ever been a moment where it was more painfully clear how few female characters in the mcu get to have relationships with one another???

(but that’s a vent session for another day)

anyway i’m glad her death was on her terms, her sacrifice to save the world rather than being killed by a bullet, at least we get to see her being a big hero, she doesn’t WANT to do this but for the universe she will, but also it sucked and she should have lived

carol should have been there more, as an actual character, rather than a convenient device to zip into the movie when something needed doing. she’s going to be one of the leads of the mcu going forward and it would have been nice to see her develop a relationship with the old team before the reins were passed on (and i know we never would have gotten the level of connection she has with tony and steve in the comics but i can dream, give me the triumvirate). i wasn’t expecting much but SOMETHING WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE, a single “space-face” or a small amount of banter, just something, something to show that she’s bonded with the team over the past five years instead of keeping her as this distant lone figure. and i know they made this movie before the script was done for captain marvel so there’s nothing about her missing people who were dusted (a la scott) except for the sad look at fury’s photo but i would have appreciated a small moment between her and fury at the end

(and the above point is not to say that i think she should have been a central focus, i’m glad the original six avengers got the majority of the focus, it’s their send-off and while the endings weren’t all good it was what they deserved, but scott and rocket and nebula got to help on time travel shenanigans, i wanted carol there too)

i still hate peter’s mechanized suit (HE DOESN’T NEED IT! HE’S SPIDER-MAN! HE’S STRONG! ALSO MECHANIZED SUITS TEND TO MEAN VERY BAD THINGS IN THE SPIDEY COMICS) and i hate the kill mode and it honestly made my skin crawl to hear him activate it

hate that there were so many jokes at thor + the fat-shaming, that was bad and awkward and not good. also as excited as i am to see him in gotg3, i did not like that his arc took him here, it feels like an undoing of his growth into being king of asgard and i’m sad he won’t be there for the reconstruction, thor should have gotten more, let him live in his grief but don’t turn it into a joke

steve’s ending OH BOY STEVE’S ENDING........ i’m still processing but, look, his arc should have been about letting go of the past, it should have been about making connections in the present and moving on, about building a home and a family with the avengers, but instead we got this. we got this because the avengers failed to truly be a family. i’m happy for steve, that he found peace and happiness in his life, but oh boy, this was the wrong way for him to hang up the shield and it’s just bad

this movie would have worked better if they were friends, if the avengers actually developed into a family rather than a group of co-workers (with friendships between some of them, true, but they aren’t a cohesive unit). but then that’s what i have comics and fic for

anyway i’m going to go read some comics and fic now because they’re better

#welp #this is a whole lot of negatives #but despite that i did enjoy the movie overall!!!#i thought it was fun and a good ride #and tony stark's arc - beauty #i just had issues with some of the endings #and the main failing of the mcu #natasha talks marvel #avengers endgame spoilers

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girl-of-ink · 8 months

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Congrats on seeing CT tonight! I get to see them tomorrow!!!!!! 💚💚💚💚

Thank you!!!! And have fun!!!!!!!!! The show is great; you're in for an absolute treat! It's a great mix of the old standards and some wonderful new tunes from the new album. Ronan Scolard standing in for Ryan was incredible, and it was a delight to see Damian, Emmet, and Neil again!

Anyway have so much fun tomorrow!! & let me know how it was (if you want)! 💚💚💚💚💚

#morgan rambles #my ramblings #ask #sevendrunkenknights #celtic thunder #ct #ronan scolard #ryan kelly #damian mcginty #neil byrne #emmet cahill #Morgan lives up to her old url

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hiharper-blog · 6 years

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how lucky is harper gall to be chosen to go on this trip! the twenty-one year old yale law student is known for being solicitous, but also being reserved. maybe that’s why they are known as the demure. they requested to be in a room with 1 other person. hope nobody finds out that they were part of an eco-terrorist group responsible for embassy bombings.

below the cut is all you need to know about my girl harper! also about me, momo!

BACKGROUND: Harper muir gall was born on April 22, 1996 to Sunshine Peterson (her grandparents were major hippies) and Richard Gall in Seattle Washington. Her mother is a geoscientist at Olympic National Park and her father is Head Park Ranger. For her whole life, Harper grew up around nature and in the Olympic National Park - that’s where her family actually lived - in a beautiful two-story secluded cabin away from any public paths. Due to her living situation, Harper’s one true passion in life became about the environment, and subsequently because of her living situation, she grew up secluded from other people, often finding friends in the books she read and her parents.

While Harper is shy, she found her footing in the Earth Liberation Front (E.L.F) at a young age - much to the approval of her parents. In 2007, at just 11 year old, she was a part of a mass burning of houses in Washington. The thrill of the flames was unimaginable for her (and now, she’s a bit of a pyromaniac) - and Harper began to take on leadership roles when she made it into her teens. In her late teens, on a “family” trip to Kenya, Harper and her E.L.F compatriots were responsible for bombing the Chinese embassy in Nairobi (for which harper built the explosives) - for using non-green building practices in the country. E.L.F, now considered a terrorist organization internationally, never publicly took credit for the bombing, and it’s now something that sits heavily upon her conscious.

PERSONALITY: Harper is driven, and most of the time, extremely selfless. She is currently enrolled at Yale law school, hoping to become an environmental lawyer - though her status as a “terrorist” could ruin that forever if it ever came out. Harper is reserved, also. While she’ll tell you she’s not up for adventure - that’s an absolute lie. Harper loves exploring new places, though usually by herself. That’s what she used too. She’s a bit shy, but if people really make an effort to coax her out of her shell, she’ll usually pop right out. Additionally, it’s better if you ease Harper into things, she likes to know everything that’s going on and have a full understanding of her surroundings.

Harper has also never dated anyone - she hasn’t really had the opportunity. There were a few of her fellow E.L.F members that she was flirtatious with, but outside of that, it’s really just been her and her parents, which she doesn’t mind.

Despite being shy and a bit sensitive, Harper won’t hesitate to put someone in their place if they’re not respecting her or someone else. She’s a staunch social justice warrior, and won’t stand for any type of unfairness.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS: a person she’s flirty with and has a crush on, an absolute best friend (she’s never had one other than her parents), the frenemy, her roommate, someone who thinks she looks familiar (they’ve seen her blurry face in a picture on a wanted list or something), a fellow book nerd whom she can bond with, or anything else you can think of!

ABOUT MUN: Hi everyone! My name is Morgan but everyone in the rp world just calls me Momo. My rp/fandom account is wheelerwrites and if you can’t tell by the url/my fc i looooove stranger things. I currently am in my last semester of undergraduate education and am applying to grad schools to be a social worker! i live on the east coast of the us and have been rping for close to 7 years now. every year i think i’m done and im back again lol. my favorite animals are whales and im obsessed with almost everything so be sure to hit me up! i also love plotting so feel free to shoot me a message bc im a little shy lol.

#*•.¸♡ somewhere only we know | ooc ♡¸.•*#hidden:intro #*•.¸♡ my cold little heart | about ♡¸.•*#its long but read it if you want!

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tsnbrainrot · 7 years

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since i’m 100% procrastinating instead of thinking about my uni schedule because i want to change two of my classes and idk with what and it’s annoying, i decided that i’m going to answer this novel length series of questions that @mollydruwho tagged me in!

1.) Why did you choose your URL?

so I’m a big fan of the band Placebo and I used to go by ashtray-girl online as a reference to one of their songs. When I made a tumblr account I didn’t want to use that but still thought it’d be cute to reference it in a way...

2.) What’s your middle name?

I don’t have one! Although my mom dreamed that my name was Gaîa when she was pregnant with me and always said it was my non official middle name since she didn’t have the guts to tell my dad she wanted to name me after a greek goddess.

3.) If you could own a fairytale/fictional pet, what would it be?

A thestral would be pretty cool. They always seemed friendly and they can take you places.

4.) Favorite color?

green

5.) Favorite song?

atm I’m listening to Just Hold On and Ed’s new songs a lot. It changes all the time though.

6.) What are your top three fandoms?

1d, hp and marvel

7.) Why do you enjoy Tumblr?

Good distraction and good content if you follow the right people. Also allows me to be social without having to suffer the exhaustion of actually being social and with people.

PICK YOUR 5 FAVORITE TV SHOWS AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS:

Tbh I just watch the office over and over again?? But I guess I enjoy these a lot:

1. The Office

2. Merlin

3. The Hour

4. Torchwood

5. Outlander

1. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER IN 2?

Arthur <3 (I have a thing for those noble characters, dem gryffindor type yk?? See: Harry James Potter and Steve Rogers) OR Morgana.

2. WHO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER IN 1?

Andy. I can’t fucking stand him. He’s not even funny.

3. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE EPISODE OF 4?

I’m a huge fan of Out of Time and all of Children of Earth.

4. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SEASON OF 5?

The first one, but I’m pretty excited for the next one too.

5. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE RELATIONSHIP IN 3?

Freddie/Bel but also Bel/Lix 100%

6. WHO IS YOUR ANTI-RELATIONSHIP IN 1?

Andy/Angela.

7. HOW LONG HAVE YOU WATCHED 4?

Hummm, pretty much since it started?? Maybe a bit after?

8. HOW DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED IN 3?

Ben Whishaw and Romala Garai at the BBC in the 1950s I was basically hooked from the first trailer/whisper.

9. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE ACTOR IN 2?

Colin Morgan

10. WHICH SHOW DO YOU PREFER: 1, 4 OR 5?

The Office. I’m always watching that show.

11. WHICH SHOW HAVE YOU SEEN MORE EPISODES OF? 1 OR 3?

Well The Hour has 12 episodes so definitely The Office.

12. IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE FROM 4, WHO WOULD YOU BE?

Oh that’s a good question... Is none of them an option? They all have tragic lives except for Gwen and I’m not her biggest fan. Maybe Jack since he gets to live so many lives and experience so much of the universe.

13. HOW WOULD YOU KILL OFF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER IN 1?

My favourite is Pam and she deserves all the good things so probably as an old lady and as peacefully as possible.

14. WOULD A 2/3 CROSSOVER WORK?

Hummmm, maybe as a reincarnation sequel type of thing where Arthur wakes up in the 1950s and Merlin ofc is still alive. It would be doable.

15. PAIR TWO CHARACTERS IN 2 THAT WOULD MAKE AN UNLIKELY BUT STRANGELY OKAY COUPLE.

Merlin/Morgana. They’re obvs enemies in the show but I feel like they def. could have been if things had been different. They obvs have a lot in common even if they approach things.... very differently.

16. OVERALL, WHICH SHOW HAD A BETTER CAST: 3 OR 5?

Listen I love all my Outlander peeps but The Hour??? I mean, Ben Whishaw, Romala Garai, Anna Chancellor, Oona Chaplin, Peter Capaldi, Burn Gorman, Andrew Scott??? It’s just stellar. (Yes this is 100% an ad. Pls watch The Hour and come scream to me about it. )

17. WHICH SHOW HAS A BETTER SOUNDTRACK: 1, 4 OR 5?

I’m gonna say Torchwood.

Ok I’m gonna tag @froggybangbang @painting--words @alienproof and @alyssaannfrank

#about moi #WATCH THE HOUR GUYS #ITS SO GOOD

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gadgetsrevv · 5 years

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Best Fifa Football Awards 2019: Things you might have missed

The Best Fifa Football Awards were full of sophistication, swankiness and the odd bit of tomfoolery

The Best Fifa Football Awards were full of sophistication, elegance and swankiness in Milan’s Teatro alla Scala.

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi and Liverpool’s Jurgen Klopp came up trumps in the best men’s player and best men’s coach categories.

United States forward Megan Rapinoe won the best women’s player, with her international boss Jill Ellis claiming the women’s coach award.

But there was plenty going on away from the actual handing out of the prizes, from the tactics of voting beforehand to a high-profile no-show and one or two remarkable outfits.

Ronaldo and Messi’s voting habits

Lionel Messi has now been voted the world’s best player six times after wins in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 and 2015

With more than 400 managers, players and media representatives voting for the best men’s player (each selecting a first, second and third choice), Cristiano Ronaldo remarkably found common ground with Mauritania captain Abdoul Ba and his Eswatini counterpart Dlamini Banele.

How, you may ask? Well, they were the only three people to select Netherlands defender Matthijs de Ligt as their first pick for player of the year.

Was it a case of tactical voting from Ronaldo, who managed to exclude winner Lionel Messi from his top three? Or just a show of solidarity for his current Juventus team-mate?

In the 2018 voting Ronaldo also omitted his old rival Messi, instead favouring former Real Madrid colleague Raphael Varane.

Messi did include Ronaldo as his second pick behind Sadio Mane. The other main candidate for the men’s player award, Virgil van Dijk, went with Messi ahead of his Liverpool team-mates Mohamed Salah and Mane.

Where was Ronaldo?

Fifa did not name Portugal captain Ronaldo in their team of the year when it was read out

Speaking of Ronaldo…

There was a strange moment when the Fifa Fifpro Men’s Team of the Year was announced.

Ten names were read out, in formation. Ten players – all present on the stage – lined up. And then the hosts moved on to the next prize.

The absentee? Ronaldo, whose name was not called out but whose inclusion was confirmed by Fifa’s official website.

So why was the Portugal captain not there? Juventus travel to Brescia on Tuesday, just 24 hours after the glitzy ceremony and manager Maurzio Sarri has suggested Ronaldo might not feature because of muscle fatigue.

Juve team-mate De Ligt did make the 60-mile journey to Milan, which is a neat stopping-off point given its location between Turin and Brescia.

Milan sits in the middle of Turin and Brescia, where Juventus play in Serie A on Tuesday (20:00 BST)

Messi is also due to be in action on Tuesday, a home game for Barcelona against Villarreal. His 90-minute flight home to Spain would have taken longer then Ronaldo’s drive back to Turin.

Whatever the reason for his absence, Ronaldo was happy enough on Tuesday evening, posting this Instagram message just as the ceremony was reaching its conclusion.

“Patience and persistence are two characteristics that differentiate the professional from the amateur,” he wrote.

“Everything that is big today has started small. You can’t do everything, but do everything you can to make your dreams come true. And keep in mind that after night always comes dawn.”

Dirty Leeds – not any more

In a year when a member of manager Marcelo Bielsa’s staff was caught spying outside Derby County’s training ground, a fair play award for Leeds seemed distinctly unlikely.

But the Championship club and their 64-year-old manager – who called a press conference to explain his spying in meticulous detail – were rewarded following the Argentine’s intervention during their game against Aston Villa at the end of last season.

Mateusz Klich had scored for Leeds while Villa’s Jonathan Kodjia was down seeking medical attention, with Villa’s players stopping in the expectation the ball would be kicked out.

Bielsa ordered his players to allow Villa to equalise immediately.

The unlikely turn of events certainly surprised former England defender Micah Richards. “That’s got to be a joke!” he said on BBC Radio 5 Live.

Who did the home nations vote for?

England manager Gareth Southgate and his captain Harry Kane were almost at one with their selections. Both plumped for Messi, Ronaldo and Virgil Van Dijk, although the Tottenham forward Kane picked Van Dijk second.

Scotland head coach Steve Clarke went with Van Dijk, Kylian Mbappe and Sadio Mane, with his captain Andy Robertson selecting Liverpool team-mate Van Dijk ahead of Frenkie de Jong and Mane.

Wales boss Ryan Giggs went for Ronaldo, Messi and Van Dijk, while former captain Ashley Williams opted for Van Dijk, Eden Hazard and De Jong.

Northern Ireland manager Michael O’Neill picked Van Dijk, Mohamed Salah and Messi, and captain Steven Davis went for Messi, Van Dijk and Mane.

Man City not at the party

While Manchester City became the first English club to win a domestic treble in 2018-19, they barely registered a mention at the awards ceremony.

They had eight players shortlisted for the Fifa Fifpro Men’s World11 but Raheem Sterling, Sergio Aguero and Bernardo Silva were all overlooked.

So too was manager Pep Guardiola, who lost out in the best men’s coach category to Klopp.

Apparently recording the second-highest points tally in Premier League history – 98 – and winning three major trophies just isn’t quite enough.

A fitting end to Milan Fashion Week

Aside from ballet and laser light shows, there were also some remarkable outfits on display. Perfect timing given the ceremony took place on the final day of Milan Fashion Week…

Former Inter Milan and Barcelona forward Samuel Eto’o presented the best women’s goalkeeper award

USA World Cup winners Alex Morgan and Megan Rapinoe stole the show with their elegant outfits

Former Italy defender Marco Materazzi went with a velvet look

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