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redrobinfection · 4 years

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(16) Graveyard

SociallyAwkwardFox’s Spooktober (2018) - Day 16 “Graveyard”

~*~

"How about four out of seven?" Tim asked with a shrug, winding up the toilet paper roll again.

Damian, his fellow barista, threw his roll at Tim's head, missing wildly. He glared. "You cheated, Drake!"

Tim rolled his eyes as he retrieved Damian's roll and began winding it up too. "How could I cheat at coffee cup bowling, ‘Wayne’?"

"You wind your roll too tightly. It doesn't unravel as much when you pitch it and thus has more mass by the time it hits the cups."

Tim raised his eyebrows. "What are you now, a physics major? That just sounds like strategy, dude. You are free to roll your roll as tightly as you'd like. That isn't against the rules."

Damian fumed. "The rules you made up! This is why I said we should use the rice crispy ba--customer."

Tim whirled on the spot, seeing that, indeed, a paying customer had entered their little, semi-enclosed coffee shop. Outside, a few students sat or sprawled over the sectional couches that filled the large basement of the university student union in which the shop was located.

Tim turned and vaulted over the counter. He heard a quiet "-tch-" from Damian as he walked to the hinged raise-able section of the counter and let himself in.

Tim straightened his apron and stepped up the register with a smile. The customer stood about five feet from the register, head tilted back, studying the menu board over Tim's head with bleary eyes. The guy was like a zombie, he was that exhausted. Tim cut his eyes over to the clock on the wall. 3:45 am. Hell of a time for coffee.

Tim glanced over his shoulder at Damian, who was reawakening the cranky espresso machine with deft fingers. Seven hours and forty-five minutes with Damian "the Demon " Wayne down, only four hours and fifteen minutes to go. Tim turned back to their customer and sighed. This was going to be a loooooooong morning.

At second glance, there was something familiar about the guy, but Tim couldn't put his finger on where he knew him. The guy had pretty teal eyes, but they were reddened and dull, like he hadn't closed them except to blink in way too long. He was also pretty well cut, Tim noticed, with clearly muscled arms and pecs so defined that Tim could clearly see them through the man's sweater. Maybe that's how Tim knew him? Maybe he'd seen him in the UREC weight room?

The guy's most eye-catching feature by far was the white forelock that curled down over his forehead. He was the third person Tim had met to have a whitened forelock like that; the other two were fraternal twins who had had small patches of albinism right at their widows peaks which affected both the skin and hair. Tim idly wondered if this guy's white lock was natural too. In any case, it looked frickin' cool, a lot cooler than his own; the best thing he could say about his own hair was that he could pull off the 90's curtain cut plus semi-mullet well enough that he could go an entire semester on a single haircut.

Tim was drawn out of his thoughts when dude finally stepped up to the counter and began to speak.

"Uh, hi, could I get a large, double-shot caramel latte?"

"Absolutely. How many pumps of caramel do you want?" Tim asked cheerily.

The guy looked up from digging through his overly stuffed messenger bag. "Uhh…the normal four should be fine."

"Okay, that will be $6.47. Can I get a name for the order?"

The guy didn't look up this time. "Uh, Jason. Gimme a sec', I know my wallet is at the bottom of this thing somewhere."

"No problem, take your time. It's not like we have a line, anyway," Tim joked.

This guy looked so dead right now--inside and out--that if he didn't find his wallet, then Tim would probably just buy the coffee for the guy himself. He understood better than anyone the sudden need for caffeine at odd hours of the day. He's not sure how he would have finished half his computer science projects this term without a much-needed double-espresso every couple of hours, to be honest.

The guy--'Jason' apparently--finally fished out a small money clip then handed over a student ID card. "Put it on my Dining Dollars, please."

"Yeah, no probl- wait a minute!" Tim cut off, staring. Suddenly, it had hit Tim where he knew this guy. "Aren't you that kid who always sits at the front of Professor Hyatt's nine-fifteen, Tuesday-Thursday, Modern European Literature and answers all the questions?"

The dude raised an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah. Why…? Wait…" He squinted and leaned in. "Aren't you the kid who once tried to sit all the way back in the AV booth, since, and I quote, 'the back wasn't far enough back'?"

Tim grinned as he swiped the ID card through the register. "Haha, yeah."

Damian moved as if to step up to the counter, the guy's drink in hand, but stopped dead about a foot away. He stared.

"Wait. Aren't you the guy who always comes in, gets tea, and sits in the window over there and reads romance novels?" Damian asked, eying him appraisingly.

The dude huffed. "Yes. My name is Jason--by the way--and they're not romance novels, it's classic lit. Now can I get my coffee?"

Damian handed the coffee over the counter, but raised an eyebrow skeptically. "You mean to tell me Rebecca is not a romance novel?"

"Wait, what!? Do you mean Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca?" Tim asked as he handed Jason's ID card back over the counter.

Damian nodded wordlessly. Tim snorted, then said, "That's not a romance! That's a totally a murder mystery! You must be confusing it with Jane Eyre. I get those mixed up too."

Jason nodded in agreement, tucking his ID away before taking his first sip of coffee. He moaned, his eyes fluttering for a moment as he savored in the sweet bliss of piping hot caffeine at 3:49 in the morning, then he looked at Damian and said, "Well, actually, I'll give you that one, uh…" --he paused to squint at Damian's name tag-- "...'Damian'; Rebecca is a modern romance novel by classification, but it's also a crime thriller just like--whazzatsay?--'Tim' said."

He turned to Tim. "I'm not surprised you'd confuse it with Jane Eyre, considering that a lot of scholars believe du Maurier adapted it from Jane Eyre."

"Wait, really?" Tim said with a laugh. "I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking that! Rebecca is like the less boring version of Jane Eyre."

Jason froze halfway into sitting down in one of the arm chairs that lined the wall closest to the door and looked up at Tim as if he had just suggested burning down the library or something similarly unthinkable. "Whaaaaaat?! I can't believe you just implied that any of the Brontë sisters' works is boring!"

Tim laughed again. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I was only twelve when I read Jane Eyre, so maybe I'd enjoy it more if I read it again now--with a mature perspective--but I remember Rebecca being a blast for thirteen-year-old me so…" He smiled, then shrugged.

Jason stared. "Twelve? Thirteen? Jeez. What else were you trying to read that young?"

"I mean, I read Moby Dick the year before that, in sixth grade," Tim admitted, shrugging until his shoulders hit his ears.

Jason gave him a flat stare. "Moby Dick? Moby fucking Dick? You've gotta be kidding me. And lemme guess, you also thought Herman Melville's masterpiece was a load of crock?"

Tim laughed, but shook his head and waved his hands placatingly. "No, no, no. I only understood, like, every fifth word--so.many.whaling.terms!--and it took me four months to get halfway in only to realize there was no way I was going to finish it by the end of the school year--I ended up skipping to the end and guessing for a lot of the AR test questions--but I definitely got the sense that it was a seminal work and that I was just too young to appreciate it. I've always meant to go back and try it again, but I still haven't gotten around to it."

"Why the hell were you trying to read Moby Dick at the age of twelve?" Jason asked incredulously, leaning back in the chair and taking a long sip of his coffee.

"Eleven, but, ah, well, my mom was convinced I had to be The BestTM in everything, so she pushed me to max out my Accelerated Reader level by the end of sixth grade and demanded that I always get the most AR points of anyone in my class, so I read a lot of the 20 point-and-up books." Tim tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I think Moby Dick was 47 points...Rebecca was 25...Jane Eyre was 33..."

Jason stared, shaking his head slowly. "So…what? You're fine with Moby Dick, a romance of the American Renaissance, but a gothic romance of the British Victorian era like Jane Eyre isn't good enough for you? Next you'll try to tell me you think Wuthering Heights is a snooze fest!"

"Well, I mean, I never could get into it, so…"

Jason slammed both hands down on the arms of his chair, incensed. "Okay, Mister, get your butt over here and sit down, we need to have a talk about Victorian Gothic and why, hands down, it is some of the best literature ever written."

Tim laughed again, then bit his lip, considering the offer. He glanced around the nearly empty coffee shop. Then he leaned over the counter and looked out into the lounge--there were exactly four people there and only one of them wasn't completely asleep in their books. Yeah, he could probably afford to humor the man.

He turned to Damian. "Hey, Dames, I'm going to make myself a coffee and take my break. You good to hold down the fort?"

"I told you not to call me that," Damian snapped, but there was no real heat to it; he liked to pretend that he hated the guts of all his coworkers, but Tim knew that he was Damian's favorite. "However, yes, I think I can manage. Go take your damned break, but when you come back I fully expect a rematch in bowling…and don't you dare cheat this time!"

Tim rolled his eyes and groaned, then turned toward trying to coax Ol' 'Spressolino--their affectionate name for the cantankerous espresso machine--into spitting out a double-shot for him. "It's not cheating, but fine, we'll do it your way," Tim replied. "But I'm telling you, you have to buy those rice crispy balls. I definitely don't want to have to explain to Barbara why some of the food on sale looks like it went through the spin cycle in a dorm washer."

Damian grinned smugly. "My pleasure. It will be a small price to pay in order to ensure your swift defeat."

Tim shook his head, grabbed his espresso in one hand and two biscotti off the front counter in the other, ducked under the counter drawbridge, then slid into the armchair across from Jason. He offered one of the biscotti to the other man and Jason accepted the free food with an appreciative smile. He already looked ten times less zombie-like, thanks to the caffiene, and he was honestly pretty damn attractive.

"Okay," Tim said, peeling the wrapper off his own biscotti and dunking it into his bitter cup of joy, "Educate me."

Between sips of coffee and bites of biscotti, Jason began explaining his thoughts on the romantic period of literature, but barely a minute into his lecture, a plastic-wrapped, ball-shaped rice crispy treat about the size of a cantelope whizzed by their feet and crashed into the ten extra-large paper coffee cups arranged in a bowling triangle at one end of the coffee shop, scattering them in a definitive strike.

Jason jumped in his seat and looked around wildly. "What the fuck?"

Tim sighed. "Daaaaaaamiaaaaaaan…"

"Shut up, Drake! I'm practicing. I need to hone my skills and adjust my form so I can thoroughly crush you in our next round," Damian called back. He marched from the counter to the end of the shop to retrieved his plastic-wrapped projectile.

Jason blinked in confusion. "I repeat: what the ever-loving fuck?"

Tim sighed again, then explained, saying, "It gets pretty boring in here during the graveyard shift, so we invented a game, coffee cup bowling. Normally, we'd sleep or study, but Damian finished his exams two days ago and I don't really study for exams, per se-"

"And sleep is for the weak," Damian finished, nodding as he walked past them carrying his sweet, gooey ammunition.

Tim nodded sagely, in agreement. "Sleep is for the weak."

Jason glanced over Tim's shoulder at the coffee cup bowling 'pins' and then over his shoulder at Damian as he lined up another throw. "You guys are insane," he declared.

Tim made a dismissive gesture. "I mean this is my third graveyard shift in a row and Damian here is almost 20 hours into a 24-hour stint. After that much sleep deprivation, you'd lose your sanity too."

Jason tilted his head in acknowledgement. "Fair enough."

"If you want, you're welcome to join us after we finish our coffee and literature talk," Tim offered amiably.

Jason watched as Damian threw another strike, sending one cup so far it landed in the pot of the ficus in the corner, and raised his eyebrows. "You know what…why not." He turned back to Tim with a grin. "I could use a bit of fun before I go back to work on my Native American Lit paper."

"Are you a lit major?" Tim asked curiously.

"I am."

Tim nodded. "That makes sense."

"And you?"

"I'm a CS major--computer science."

"That makes sense," Jason echoed, grinning.

Tim grinned back at him and waved a hand. "Okay, so as you were saying…?"

"Yes, as I was saying…"

Jason continued his little lecture while they continued sipping their coffee and nibbling on the biscotti. When they had finished--the coffee, not the discussion, because Tim was pretty sure Jason would go on for hours about literature once you got him started--they joined Damian in a game of "ten-cup."

It was in the middle of this heated battle of cups and marshmallow-bonded puffed-rice cereal balls that their next customer found them fifteen minutes later. The man, dressed in flower printed leggings and a black hoodie with "Gotham University Aerial Arts" printed across the chest in blue, took one look at them and grinned.

"Oh, hey! Coffee-cup bowling! I love that game! Do you think I could interrupt you guys for just a sec to get some hot chocolate?"

All three of them--the two baristas plus their customer--turned and stared.

"Hot… wait, what?" Jason said, laughing a little. "Man, it's like 4:30 in the morning. Why are you getting a hot chocolate at 4:30 in the morning?"

The man laughed, too, shrugging before he explained, saying, "I don't like tea or coffee all that much, but I just finished a 20 page paper on ethics in police enforcement and I need a pick me up. I need to get my warm fuzzies going again."

Tim rolled his eyes and sighed, moving back toward the counter to get the man his drink. "You're going to end up being the cuddliest cop on the street, Dick."

"You know it, Timmy!" the man--'Dick' apparently--exclaimed, pulling Tim into a bear hug when he made the mistake of passing too close to Dick on his way to the counter. The hug escalated into a full on octopus hug as he lifted his legs to wrap around Tim's hips. Tim, for his part, ignored the grapple, opening the leaf in the counter and hobbling over to the drink bar with the human cephalopod still attached.

Damian and Jason stared. Damian cleared his throat and eyed Dick with poorly disguised interest. "Wait, do you know this man, Drake?"

Tim blinked dully as he turned around, a cup in one hand and a packet of instant hot chocolate in the other. "Yes. He's my brother." Dick made a squeeing noise and nuzzled his head into Tim's neck. Tim sighed. "My adopted brother," he amended testily.

Dick laughed, dropped his feet back onto the floor and stood up. He nearly wrung Tim's neck as he tried to hug him around the shoulders. "Awww, don't be like that, Tim. We haven't seen each other in two whole weeks and I needed my Tim-hugs! Gotta meet my cuddle-quota."

Tim shook his head and handed the hot chocolate back over his shoulder. "You're insufferably, insatiably clingy when you're this tired, Dick. Go home and sleep."

Dick finally released him to take the drink. He took a sip of the hot chocolate, sighing in appreciation. "Thanks, Tim, and yeah, but, only if you do the same. You're just as bad as me when you haven't slept, if not worse."

"Can't. Working," Tim answered curtly, vaulting the counter to escape before Dick's grabby hands could reach for him again. His brother wasn't wrong; Tim was always up for a good cuddle after a long stint without proper sleep, but he didn't like public displays of affection.

Dick took one look at the nearly empty coffee shop, the three of them, their game, and then laughed out loud. "Ahhh, the days of getting paid to drink coffee and make up games at 4:30 in the morning. I kind of miss it."

"Would you care to join us," Damian asked abruptly. Dick brightened.

"Absolutely!"

And so that was how the four of them ended up bowling for empty coffee cups with rice crispy treats the size of spaghetti squash while blasting ABBA’s greatest hits--Dick's terrible, wonderful idea--until the sun rose and their shift ended, at eight AM.

By the time the four of them walked out the door, Dick was trying to convince Damian to join him in the aerials gym before breakfast, and Damian, clearly eager to do anything with the handsome college senior, accepted readily. Jason and Tim, on the other hand, were back to discussing literature over coffee--now focused on the merits and downfalls of contemporary science fiction and fantasy as an art form--and making their way to the East Campus Dining Hall, so they could continue their discussion over breakfast.

Tim snorted softly as he listened to Jason list all the ways Dune defined an era of sci-fi/fantasy, then smiled at the way Jason took his hand--without seeming to realize it--to pull him forward after the crosswalk light changed out of Tim's line of sight. Oh, yeah, this one was totally gay/bi/pan and he was definitely asking him out the minute he saw the opportunity, Tim decided.

He smiled. Who would of thought he'd come out of last night's graveyard shift not only having seen his demon coworker and his older brother hit it off--of all things!--but having met someone for himself too! He laughed, thinking, you never know what crazy things you might see, or the people you might meet, at the campus coffee shop at 4 o' clock in the morning!

#my writing #christmasriverswrites #jaytim #dickdami #tim and damian #pre-relationship #college au #no capes #new for 2020!#barely edited; life is rough right now 🙃

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loquaciousquark · 5 years

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Hey, all, I’m probably not going to be around much for a few months aside from queues & TM posts.

Work stress has taken over my life in a way it never has before. A very long story short, my closest coworker (both friend-wise and workload-wise) took another job that began at the end of April. While she knew from November she was going to take this job, she did not inform administration until the very final contractual required moment of 30 days out. This means there has been no chance for admin to be looking for long-term qualified candidates to replace her position, since to get hired on at the school even on a temporary faculty basis takes about six-eight weeks.

(She told me about this job in November, but made me promise at the time not to tell anyone because she was going to tell them soon. Then, as schedules were being planned out for this summer and her time was being allotted under the assumption she would be there, she deliberately said nothing and made me answer the emails so she wouldn’t be “lying.” I have known this hell has been coming for me for five months and haven’t been able to do anything about it because I gave her my word.)

In addition, while not her fault, three other administrative support employees and two other faculty members have left/will be leaving in less than a month as well. One employee’s family member died unexpectedly, one employee was grossly incompetent (although I can’t remember the last time we actually fired someone for that), and the other faculty members are leaving for really good jobs elsewhere. Just very unfortunate timing that means we are all spread excruciatingly thin for now.

This all comes at a time where I am actively beginning that Service Director position for the primary care clinic on top of everything else. This position, while I think a great fit for me, what else I teach in the school, and how I plan/organize/relate to the students, has come at a terrible time because it in and of itself is a massive amount of work, especially getting it off the ground. If I’m going to implement all these new policies and changes I’ve been dreaming of for years, I need to do it at the beginning of my tenure--to try and keep everything going the way it has been and change later once everything calms down would be infinitely more work at that time & have a bunch more pushback from both the students and the faculty I now lead as part of this clinic, many of which have decades of seniority on me.

I’m doing the work of two-and-a-half full-time faculty right now. I do still really love this job, but right now I can’t handle it.

I’m grinding my teeth at night and clenching my jaw during the day. My dentist suddenly wants me to get a bite plate when before a few months ago, I’d never ground my teeth in my life. I’m getting excruciating stress/tension headaches almost every other day from how tight every muscle of my face and neck is. I’ve gained over ten pounds in the last two months from eating like crap because anything that requires more than two steps of prep is mentally, physically, and emotionally impossible, which has the added effect of making me want to cry every time I look in a mirror and see my stomach so far away from my mental “normal,” because I was already seven pounds or so more than I wanted to be. I’m only getting three or four hours of sleep a night despite melatonin because my mind is just reciting checklist after checklist of things I need to do to keep all my sudden responsibilities on track.

I saw my psychiatrist today (which in and of itself was overwhelming--I thought until I was leaving for the appointment that today was my annual physical, and it wasn’t until I was checking the auto-filled address that I realized it was in the wrong building for that. Turns out I’d independently scheduled both the psych follow-up & the physical within a few days of each other, and I’d missed the text appointment reminders for the physical because the psych ones were more recent. I have never straight up no-showed an appointment in my life before this.)

I only had about thirty minutes with her, but part of the problem is that I haven’t taken my meds regularly in over a month because even such a little thing was too difficult. I’m going to try to start back on that, but...

I told her it doesn’t feel like I’m trying to keep plates spinning in the air. It feels like I have them all under control at the moment, they’re just excruciatingly heavy. The only way I’ve been handling this sudden pressure of doing basically two and a half jobs with no margin for error in any of them is being ruthlessly, relentlessly organized. Which is fine, except that I can feel how that changes my personality when I have to go so hard and regimented, and I hate how it feels to have both no margin and no grace.

I had a student the other day email me about a flight she booked for a Memorial Day vacation at 6pm on a Friday, not thinking about how clinic does not always end on the dot at 5pm. We (both students and faculty) are required to stay until the patient’s exam is complete. Sometimes that’s at five. Sometimes that’s at 6:30. On rare occasions I’ve stayed until 9pm in clinical care because that’s what was needed at the time for that patient.

She wanted to get out of clinic with an excused absence. We require three weeks’ minimum notice because when a student leaves without coverage, we have to reschedule all the patients they were meant to see. Her schedule was fully booked, and I had to say no, because right now I have nothing left to try to find an alternative for her. I hate saying no to students, especially when it’s something I truly could help them solve with some investment on my part, but right now--I’m sorry, but I can’t. Why on earth did you schedule a flight for 6pm on a day you have clinic until 5, especially when the airport is a 20-minute drive from the school even without traffic? I can’t fix this for you, not right now. You have to show up to clinic or find your own coverage. I don’t care how you do it, but someone has to be there, and I don’t have anything left in me to help you figure out how to do it.

My mom listens to a guy who sometimes talks about how you have to have a margin in your life to manage your stress. A margin in your work helps you enjoy your leisure time; if you don’t have that margin, even scheduled play feels stressful because you have work playing through your head the whole time.

I’m out of margin. I’m ten feet over the line in every direction I’m so out of margin, and I am constantly being asked by students and other faculty, “How are you doing now that the person who you shared 90% of your work life with is gone? Who’s going to help take over [year-long highly-intensive Methods course] now that Dr. So-and-So is gone? Who’s going to help you teach it since we all know what a gigantic course it is and how it’s always required two people to run full-time, and now you’re down to one who’s also taken on a bunch of other responsibilities at the exact same time?”

and they’re laughing when they say it. and i’m laughing when i tell them the truth, which is “no one.” and we all laugh together and inside my head i am ripping apart under the pressure.

Even if they hire someone by August, it’s not going to mean any relief until September due to onboarding, and even then it won’t be what I really need. This woman I worked with and I had both taught this course together for years, and before that we’d both taken it as students. We knew how it ran inside and out. We knew what the responsibilities were. We had the workload divided evenly and didn’t have to consult over every decision that was made--it just got done. Even if they do hire someone at lightning speed, I still have to train them. I have to show them where the group drive is on the faculty intranet. I have to teach them how it’s organized. I have to show them how to upload quizzes and how to grade them and how to edit the Excel practical documents and the timeframe we expect the grades back and why our grading standards are the way they are and what to say to guest graders and guest lab instructors and show them where the file folders are kept and where the .docx’s are kept and the way things are sorted and how the tests are written and how to extensively edit a PDF file and give them the contact information for faculty IT support (which still ends up being me half the time) and the manual printer and the woman who orders office supplies and the woman who orders clinical equipment and the man who orders building maintenance supplies and when you go to one and not the other and how electronic testing works and how to grade it and how to upload a document with all the specific little requirements the program wants to make sure it imports correctly and how to deal with the errors this program will inevitably throw back because it’s niche software for a niche school and that means it’ll never be user friendly.

It took me almost two years to really feel comfortable being co-coursemaster for this course because it is so unbelievably massive. Even if they hire someone by August, I still won’t have a full-time coursemaster pulling their weight until 2021.

The other metaphor I used with my psychiatrist is that I’m holding on to a cliff’s edge with my fingertips. Right now, I’ve got a pretty decent grip, but that doesn’t change the fact that if you put another pound on my back it might pull me right off the rock.

I don’t see practical relief coming any time soon. “What can we do to help? We want you to know you are very supported right now. You let us know what you need.” What can you do? Hire someone tomorrow who already knows how our computer system works, who can troubleshoot their own IT, who can look at a list of tasks that need to happen to get this Methods course fully ready every single semester of every single year and do them without any handholding from me. Hire someone with as much attention to detail as I’ve had to have because it’s the right way to do the damn job. Hire someone I won’t have to clean up after because to them “the cart in the closet” is the same thing as “the specific place on the labeled closet shelf where the equipment belongs.”

I’m clenching my teeth so hard they’re hurting, so I guess I have to stop. If you see me in-game somewhere, believe me, it’s not because I’ve caught up. It’s because I haven’t and I can’t bear thinking about how much I still have to do.

#quark rambles #optometry /#kindly refrain from reblogging

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crdenhart · 6 years

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A Cosmic Awakening: My 2017 Spiritual Journey

[NOTE: I created a playlist of spiritual songs that would be good to listen to while reading this article: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmlyrFwts2a1v1tfM1ZWwjv2BcTV3x2-s]

Jai Guru Dev!

This year has been an incredible year of spiritual development in my life! In 2017, I experienced a great spiritual awakening like no other I have felt in year! With it being the season of Advent and near to Christmas, the time is perfect to open up a little about myself that many do not know and relate my many spiritual experiences in 2017 that have significantly improved my life and overall well-being for the better. A Trifecta of wonderful organizations I joined this year have totally changed my life; they are Freemasonry, Transcendental Meditation ™, and the Episcopal Church.

Before 2017, particularly in 2014-2015, I would not go so far as to say I was in a dark place, but I was in serious need of a new direction in my life. When I graduated college in 2014, I had several successful short films and music videos on my student filmography and expected to continue onto graduate film school or a career at motion picture film studios in Hollywood or another major city and work towards becoming a successful up-and-coming TV/film producer. However, that situation did not happen even though it possibly could have easily gone in that direction had certain professors who made me feel special and important kept their word and gave me at least just an ounce of support post-graduation (Thank you Robby Benson). I also was really torn when both my aunt died and the girl I really liked throughout college shut me out of her life around the same time. It took me a really long time to get over these losses in my life and my career not taking the path it should at that time; spent several tear-filled nights and took several long contemplative jogs to comprehend why I could lose so much after having so many successes in college and everything seemed like it had gone so well.

A few months after graduation, I got a production assistant job at a news TV station in Indianapolis. It is a decent job and within my field and I love my coworkers, but really I could have been and should be more widely known as “Colin Denhart, up-and-coming filmmaker” instead of “Avery and Emily’s older brother who went to Jeff High School but didn’t play sports and works for a TV station.” All I really had were my coworkers, a few close friends, and my family. I would spend my days working at the TV station, watching movies, listening to music, working out, visiting family/friends, working on ideas/scripts for future film projects, going on occasional dates that went mostly nowhere (none of them could compare to the girl I once loved), and trying to figure out how am I going to achieve my career and life goals given my current situation. All of this was fine and dandy for the most part but I felt something was missing and wanted more out of life and wanted to do something more significant and had real purpose. I spent sleepless nights thinking, “Is this really it? Is this all my life is going to be or am I destined for something greater?”

In 2016, I had a dream that was more like a holy vision in which I saw the Universe like a giant color wheel, with each colored pieces representing all the different types of people of this world. The pieces of the wheel were in a constant struggle to stay together with love and happiness being the sources of power for the Universe and fear and hate being what divides and causes harm to the Universe. I also had a divine realization that we all are either shepherds or sheep; the staff is in front of us and it is our duty to take the staff and become good shepherds and achieve greatness in the Universe or we are just mere sheep and destined to become nothing more than packaged meat. I knew this was a sign I needed to make a positive impact on the Universe and bring myself and others closer to the Supreme Being (God, Allah, Yahweh, Vishnu, Shiva, whatever you wish to call Him) and do good deeds in this world and work towards bringing others to enlightenment. I needed to be surrounded by the right people if I was to improve my spiritual health.

The first group I joined in 2017 was The Freemasons! I had read about Freemasonry in the past and was familiar with references made to the organization in many TV shows and movies (particularly Eyes Wide Shut and National Treasure). My parents and grandparents were not Freemasons, but I learned that my ancestors had Masonic affiliation. Freemasonry is not a religion but it is a fraternal organization with sacred rituals rooted in the Old Testament of the Bible and traces its origins to the building of King Solomon’s Temple over 4 thousand years ago. Members must be males at least 18 years of age (21 years in some jurisdictions) and cannot be atheist (Women who are married to or related to Freemasons can join an appendant group called the Order of the Eastern Star). I really like too how all religious denominations and political beliefs are welcome in the Masons so everyone is on equal footing and creates a sense of universality within the group. I was intrigued by the history, symbolism and secrecy of the organization. Also the fact that all these famous celebrities and historical figures and movers and shakers of the world were Freemasons made feel not necessarily that joining the Freemasons would make me rich and famous but that it is an important group that has had a tremendous impact on world society and it would be ideal for me to join if I want to make a positive dent in the Universe.

When I arrived at an open house to learn more about Freemasonry and made my first contact with the group in January, I was not sure what to expect. These are the guys that supposedly “control the world” (haha), so I was initially somewhat intimidated and nervous I would not make a good impression. However, my fears were subsided as I immediately clicked with the wonderful men who welcomed me with open arms and soon became my friends and then, after my initiation in April, my brothers.

The guys in my lodge are among the nicest and finest men I have ever met. We have grown so close over this year, my Freemason brothers all feel like they are my uncles, cousins, or literal brothers. I am blessed and honored to call them my brothers! I have met some really important people in the Freemasons and made great connections! Some of my brothers have become important people in my life; one brother is now my dentist, another brother composes my recent film projects, and after discovering some of my coworkers are fellow Masons, I feel a deeper connection to them at work.

We have some absolutely terrific times together in the Freemasons. I enjoy all our fine gourmet dinners; always prepared homemade by the Junior Warden, Senior Steward and Junior Steward of the Lodge. We have exciting times in all our social activities, including a weekend camp retreat, a visit to the first Grand Lodge of Indiana in Madison, and presenting the US flag at a Colts game. Most important of all is our charity work. In April, we delivered flowers to widows of deceased Freemasons and helped do some yard work. In the same month, we cooked meals for the parents of patients at Riley’s Hospital for Children. Just a couple weeks ago, we wrapped presents for needy family. Working all these and other charitable events throughout the year were great experiences and a wonderful way to help the local community.

The greatest and deepest part of Freemasonry has been the ritualist work. I’m not allowed to ever reveal to non-Masons what goes on during Lodge or the degree work, but there are parts which are some of the deepest spiritual experiences I have felt. I feel a great connection to the Supreme Being through my brothers and the sacred craft work we do. Overall, Freemasonry has greatly improved my life on a spiritual and social level. I feel as though I am a part of something greater in this world and will go on to do important things for society in the Freemasons.

Now on to TM! In early May, I needed some way to get rid of all the intense stress in my life caused by the death of my grandfather, my serious car crash, and the intense workload at the TV station, where I am constantly exposed to depressing news stories several times a day. One of my Freemasons brothers mentioned Transcendental Meditation. I had heard of TM through one of my favorite filmmakers David Lynch and read about how famous celebrities such as The Beatles, Tom Hanks, Oprah, and Jerry Seinfeld practice it but never seriously looked into for my self. I have always been interest in India and Eastern cultures and spirituality, having read the Bhagavad Gita, Upanishads, and Dhammapada in the past and visited a local Hindu temple a few times in 2016 and having been a life-long listener of George Harrison’s Indian-inspired music. I desired to learn meditation as a means to remove all the stress in my life, boost my creativity, and feel better connected to the Universe.

I went to the local TM Center and my instructor taught me how to practice TM on June 10th, 2017. Since then, the practice of TM has become a major part of my everyday life! I meditate usually 20 minutes every morning and 20 minutes before dinner. I practice yoga asana stretches and pranayama breathing exercises which I also learned through TM. I follow an Ayurvedic diet based on my dosha (individual body type based on pulse, personality, and other factors); I’m pitta-kapha. Just recently, I learned an advanced sleeping technique taught by Vedic experts who came to our TM Center all the way from India. All of it has significantly reduced stress and greatly improved my physical, spiritual and mental health, increased my work performance, helped me conquer deep-rooted anxieties, and has overall boosted my enjoyment of life and elevated me to a higher state of consciousness.

Meditation really gets my mind working in ways I never knew were possible and is almost like having super powers. For example, while I meditate I sometimes experience long past thoughts and memories, and other times I can feel like I’m gliding through various thoughts as I move towards the source of thought. During one meditation, I was able to vividly see my elementary school classroom as if I were there. In another instance, I flashed back to summer camp and could clearly hear camp songs in my head. I can read people better and perceive the world and things around me in different ways. In deepest states of meditation I can see the Supreme Being and feel a great spiritual connection to the Universe whenever I meditate, especially in groups.

The community aspect of TM has been absolutely wonderful! I always look forward to every TM class to learn more about the techniques and different aspects of meditation and consciousness and other related subjects (Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has been dead for nearly a decade but he still teaches parts of the class since there are thousands of hours of videos of his instructions). I enjoy getting to see and talk to the same people at the weekly group meditations and monthly (inter)national group meditation events (one fellow meditator has actually become a good friend an joined the Freemasons, so he is now my brother). I also really had an incredible time at our TM retreat in July; being at the camp felt like I was in wonderland and brought feelings of being back in summer camp from my earlier years.

I have taken my interest in meditation outside the TM program and have read several books about meditation and discussed with other spiritual-minded friends various meditation techniques. I have even experimented with combining different aspects of meditation to come up with my own advanced meditation procedures to better increase the flow of cosmic energy and create a state of unity consciousness. I could be on to something big with continued practice and more refinement. Overall, TM has had a phenomenal impact on my spiritual life and has brought me significantly closer to the Supreme Being and achieving enlightenment.

Now onto the Episcopal Church! In July, my best friend came to visit for Independence Day. We got to talking about our lives and I mentioned all the great things about TM and The Freemasons, and he recommended, with all this spiritual development I had gone through, I should really join a church.

I was born and raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school from preschool through 8th grade and was an devout altar boy in high school. In college, I regularly attended church but I kept my religious life more on the down low because in some ways there had become a negative stigma surrounding Christianity for the past several years where the term “Christian” became synonymous with “redneck,” “anti-gay,” “anti-choice,” “anti-women,” “anti-liberal,” “anti-poor,” “anti-fun,” etc. For example, one time a girl walked out on me during a date because she was turned off by my small heirloom crucifix that hangs above my bedroom door and assumed my faith equated to these negative connotation. I blame this negative view of Christianity on conservatives and fundamentalists who highjacked the word “Christian” to advance their narrow-minded views and condemn deemed unworthy over the past several years but especially in the late 2000s/early 2010s. I kind of stopped going to church after graduating college mostly from being burnt out by over 20 years of regular church attendance. I also never really found a church when I first moved to Indianapolis and having worked weekends initially at my job it was difficult for me to find time to attend church.

I still have great respect for the Catholic Church and my Catholic friends but feel my political and religious views have evolved beyond the teachings of the Catholic Church in my years of not attending church. I did my research on other denominations and fell in love with the Episcopal Church! I like how the Episcopal Church is essentially a progressive version of the Catholic Church that takes more liberal stances on social issues and seems to be less self-righteous and more open-minded and accepting to differing spiritual beliefs. It is rooted in Catholicism (i.e. similar beliefs, same sacraments, priests/bishops/deacons, almost identical mass structure, similar architecture) but with a greater sense on community and adjusts with the times (i.e. women can be priests, priests can be married, gay marriage is allowed within the church). I also really enjoy the music and the use of a large pipe organ and choir and how there are special ceremonies that are dedicated to singing prayers such as Evensong.

Since joining the Episcopal Church, I have fully immersed myself in the faith! I go to church every Sunday and sometimes other days during the week. I love all the Faith Forum classes the priests teach on Sundays before Eucharist service. Every afternoon after church, I go out to brunch with fellow parishioners and we discuss life and the faith which is a truly great way to help each other grow in faith. In November, I received the Sacrament of Reception which essentially is an extension of Confirmation. I also am actively involved in the young adults group and have met many fellow believers who are my age who have since become close friends, some even collaborators on film and music projects. I absolutely love the priests at the church and feel I can make really great personal connections with them and enjoy their company as they help me to grow in faith.

I have not been more excited about the Church or religion as it relates to my spiritual life as I am now since my later elementary school years. In the 4th through 6th grade, I attended St. Boniface Catholic School. In some ways, that time period might have been among the best ever for me and my family. In this era, my siblings and I would spend fun times almost every weekend at our grandparents’ house, our first dog Bella was still young, I hung out with my best friends (usually involved playing PS2 and watching movies), I actually played sports (my dad was the football coach), my mom had her knitting company and still worked at the YMCA and my sister Emily and I got to play in the Game Room (my brother Avery was too young to join us which he always envied), went to summer camp every year, all my extended family was happy and healthy and without strife, and I was first getting into film. It was an incredible time!

During this prepubescent era, I became totally engrossed in my religious faith and was totally intrigued with the history, structure and symbolism of the Church, stories of saints, relics, etc. Father Tim and Sister Lenore were two of the greatest educators I had and were the ones who really got me into the faith. The priests I have grown to know and love within the Episcopal Church are the closest I have come to capturing that feeling I had with Fr. Tim and Sr. Lenore at St. Boniface.

I feel as though a part of my spiritual journey this year has been in part trying to get back to these old times as I feel my faith has never been as strong since then until now. I was on a spiritual path then that got sidetracked and I now realize that my spiritual life has always been what is most important; not my film career, my job, my family/friends, school, girls, etc. Working towards becoming closer to the Supreme Being and spiritual enlightenment will cause everything else to fall rightly into place.

Christianity had not been a major part of my life for a long time, but when one takes a step back for awhile and studies and explores other religions different from those he originally held, he comes back to the Church with an evolved faith that maintains its apostolic roots but expands his religious understandings on a much deeper spiritual level. It is not so much belonging to a specific religion or denomination that is important. What is important is that one belongs to positive spiritual groups that bring him closer to the Supreme Being and lead him towards enlightenment. Those places can be churches, lodges, meditation centers, temples, synagogs, mosques, ashrams, covens, or any other group. When one finds the Supreme Being within him and develops himself spiritually and knows the direction he should take, everything else in his life comes together and falls nicely into place.

Overall, the Trifecta, as I call my combination of Freemasonry, Episcopal Church and TM, has greatly improved my life if not totally changed it! I find in all the aspects of my spiritual life I fully experience the Holy Trinity: The Father in my devotion to God in the Freemasons, The Son in my devotion to Christ in the Episcopal Church, and The Holy Spirit in my meditative practices through TM. I feel as though I am no longer “Avery and Emily’s older brother who went to Jeff but didn’t play sports and works for a TV station.” I know my purpose in life and have a greater positive connection with my family, close friends, coworkers, and everyone I meet. The line of who I consider family also has blurred significantly! I used to feel really alone in Indianapolis outside my friends and coworkers, but now I have so many wonderful people in my Lodge, my church, and my TM group who are part of my life. They are more my family than my actual family, which says a lot because I love and am super close with my real immediate family. I love everyone I have met this year and appreciate the truly wonderful connections I have made! I feel closer to the Supreme Being and the best I have felt on a spiritual, physical and emotional level in many years.

In 2018, I will continue to my spiritual journey by continuing to grow within my groups. I was recently appointed to the officer position as Marshal at my Lodge for this coming year and look forward to serving in that role and helping to continue to make our Lodge one of the best in Indiana and supporting the local community. I also intend to learn more of the Advanced Techniques in TM and possibly even visit temples and other spiritual locations. I additionally plan to sign up next fall for the Education for Ministry (EfM), which is an advanced education program offered by the Episcopal Church. I definitely will incorporate elements of all the Trifecta into my future film work and hope my work will inspire others to expand their spirituality and move towards enlightenment. In the distant future (ideally 2026 (the next year of the Horse)), I would like to make a pilgrimage to Mount Kailash which is one of the holiest place on Earth and full of spiritual energy.

I look forward to wherever my spiritual journey leads. 2017 will go down as Year One in my adult spiritual life. I realize my spiritual life is more important than anything else, and I now have a clearer path for where to take my life. Even though I’m not the big-time filmmaker I wanted to be (yet), with the support of my family, friends, and brothers, I will achieve greatness and make the world a better place for all. I have found a sense of fulfillment in my spiritual life and love I have for everyone in my life could not be great. I am a shepherd and not a sheep!

Thank you all! So mote it be!

“Can’t believe how strange it is to be anything at all” - Neutral Milk Hotel, “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea”

PS These are some books I read (most in this year, but some in previous years) I highly recommend to anyone seeking an evolved sense of spirituality and religion:

The Bhagavad Gita The Holy Bible (recommend Jerusalem Bible, New Revised Standard Edition, and/or King James translations with apocrypha) The Quran The Upanishads The Dhammapada Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda Raja Yoga by Swami Vivekananda The Holy Science by Sri Yukteswar Songs of the Soul by Paramahansa Yogananda Whispers from Eternity by Paramahansa Yogananda The Law of Success by Paramahansa Yogananda The Science of Being and the Art of Living by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

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