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dreamingtheater · 6 years

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lol sorry if y’all don’t wanna read this but I’m high key suffering so just skip if you don’t care

Basically like, I’m doing awful mentally like I’m so stressed out I feel like I’m gonna die and my self esteem has been in the shitter. Basically like I don’t have time to really hang out with people (friends, family) and instead of maybe asking me if I’m okay or supporting me and being understanding a lot of people are acting like it’s my fault.

I’m a senior in college, it’s really fucking tough and time consuming, plus I have an insanely long 2+ hours commute there and 2+ hours back every day. Still gotta take care of my pets and clean and attempt cooking healthy meals every night because yknow, recovery and all, and so yeah I don’t have a lot of free time and the free time I do have I feel like just curling up in my bed and reading books and playing Pokémon.

But then people act like I’m the problem? “YOU don’t make time for me” “YOU need to get a handle on the stress” “YOU need to calm down” hey!! Maybe fuck off!! If I could be less stressed and have time to be with loved ones and do fun things and be an all around happy healthy individual don’t you think I would??? It’s not my damn fault that life is really hard right now and making it seem like I’m the problem is not!! Helping me at all!! People talk at me like I’m fucking dumb as if I don’t know I’m stressed and sad? People will say “hey you’re not you right now” and yeah that’s 100% correct but why are we acting like I can just dump college and be stress free? Cause I can’t do that lol!!

When I say I wanna do something fun by myself for once I get called selfish like...I’m literally stretched so thin and I have nothing left to give. It feels like everyone’s pulling me in a million different directions and expecting me to be so perfect. Like yeah I wanna be me again too? I wanna be the fun happy person I usually am but at this point it’s hard to do that and maybe expecting me to be able to be super chill super happy Dianna and be under all this stress is a bit much to ask. And fuck like I’m such a positive person so I think people don’t take me seriously when I talk about my problems yknow? Like oh she’s still laughing and bubbly she’s good like, no? You can’t keep expecting me to take all these hits and still be okay afterwards.

Within the past year like; spent 6 months going to the hospital every night after class to visit my possibly dying grandma and spending my entire day waiting for a phone call to know if she was about to die; bus route got disconnected so I had to start taking 3 buses to and from home every day; one cat ran away another died; best friend of 8 years and I stop talking; eating disorder relapse; and just a couple weeks ago I slammed my car into a pole and almost had a serious accident. I still get anxiety attacks from the phone ringing and I feel guilty just for eating like a normal human being.

Is that maybe enough? Is that enough for some people to see I’m stressed and had a shit year and I’ve been desperately trying to stay positive but sometimes it’s really hard? Like everyone’s just pissed they can’t have the fun me cause like fuck when I’m happy I’m great! I’m a lot of fun and I’m a really good friend and I love doing new things like I’m a pleasure to have around. The second I’m not that person tho people just wanna complain or bail I guess. And like, this isn’t everyone but it feels like when I try to talk about the bad stuff a lot people are just like “okay get this over with so we can go back to having fun and you can stop being a buzzkill” it’s so hard y’all, I don’t know. A lot of times when I’m upset people twist it around so they’re the victim too like, “I’m upset that you’re upset feel bad for me look what you did!” Even know I feel guilty writing this when I totally have the right too and should not feel guilty. And like I have some wonderful friends who care about me but even then sometimes I don’t wanna talk about my issues cause I’m afraid it would upset them and make them sad, I have this horrible guilt when I think I’ve made people sad but I shouldn’t.

I don’t know, maybe some of y’all know how I feel? I’d appreciate any thoughts y’all have on this, especially if you read this whole mess. I think I’d really just want someone to say like “this isn’t your fault and I care about you and want you to get through this” like fuck, that’s all I really want. I had a bad night lol

#dreamingtheater #overly long overly emotional post #please read for filth

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird!

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try.

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability.

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby.

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys.

#and other things #really dont need to read this #though im aware and sorry i guess read more doesnt work on mobile and you might just read this in curiosity and i dont necessarily want #these are just my own thoughts and theyre here to clarify my head. ok

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