#or maybe ive forgotten something. also possible

[keicordelle]

Idolish7 sexuality headcanons because my head is full of cotton balls and anime boys today

Iori is quietly gay. Mostly closeted but not really trying to hide it, he just doesn't really want to talk about it. Secretly crushing on Riku, but has convinced himself it's just teenage infatuation. (A conviction that helps in no way whenever Riku does something cute or asks him for help)

Yamato is straight but open-minded. Get him drunk enough and he's ready to kiss whoever's at hand. Would be willing to swing the other way for the right person, but so far isn't really interested in anyone at all.

Mitsuki, my ace star! My boy has got no interest in sex whatsoever. He makes a great wingman though, always happy to tag along and talk up his friends. Iori comes to him for advice sometimes, and he always has the best responses to give him. Not aro tho, he wants to find someone(s) to settle down with someday who'll have just as much love to give him as he does them.

Tamaki : this boy is gay and doesn't even know what the closet is. Has never had any compunction about it, no worries, no revelation or coming out, he just is who he is. It's no big deal to him, and he's super perplexed as to why it matters to some.

Sogo spent the first 20 years of his so far in the closet that he's still not comfortable with himself. Only comes out as gay after he joins Idolish7 where he's surrounded by supportive friends. Is slowly starting to accept himself -- Tamaki is a hugely helpful influence with that.

Nagi is the most queer-friendly straight man in existence. An honorary queer. Very much a ladies man but frequently jokes(?) about how it's a shame that he deprives an entire half of the population of his charm. Very staunch trans ally and will hit on trans women just as readily as cis

Riku... I don't think even he knows what's going on inside his head. Had a gay awakening during puberty and straight up forgot about it. An oblivious gay, much to Iori's eternal despair. (Actually Iori's probably fine with it because it means Riku's less likely to notice his crush)

Gaku is bi but fem-leaning. But he's so head over heels for Tsumugi that it hardly even matters. He's Tsumugi-sexual now. Was never really into casual relationships anyway, and really rather hates that people think he's that type.

Tenn has known he's gay since he was very young and is really kind of resentful every time he's required to play up the sexy straight boy act. He's polite to the women he's paired up with of course, but he definitely bitches about it behind closed doors.

Ryu, aroace king. Please free him from the role of sexyman he just wants to go fishing and chill with his friends. He's running out of ways to politely turn people down. Gaku and Tenn come to his rescue whenever they're around, it's practically a routine now.

Momo came to terms with being gay some time ago now. Was a bit conflicted about it in high school, but being gay as an idol is a lot easier then being gay as a soccer player, especially with his partner up on stage with him.

Yuki is the most extremely pansexual man on the face of the planet. Attracted to anyone and everyone, but the attraction feels different from one gender to another. Has had way more casual relationships with women, but both people he's fallen in love with have been men. Maybe fem-leaning sexually and masc-leaning romantically. Or maybe it's just coincidence.

Haruka is a baby gay and still a little awkward about it. Still experimenting, and may or may not land on the gay label. Looks up to Minami for guidance and advice. Could stand to learn a thing or two from Tamaki, but whether or not he will...

Toma is a bisexual disaster. Everyone is pretty and he doesn't really know what to do about that. Thankfully he's got more important things to worry about so he just doesn't really think about it more than he has to.

Minami is cool, calm, collected, and fairly openly gay. Is perfectly content to take on the interest of their male fans. Knows what he wants and is entirely willing to go after it.

Torao : aggressively straight. Maybe a little homophobic about it. Definitely makes Haruka a little nervous. Minami just doesn't care. Will probably lighten up eventually, but things are a bit tense at first.

#idolish7 #i7 #i am not tagging all the characters thats way too much effort #im sorry torao fans i saw someone make a very compelling argument for him being kinda homophobic once and it really stuck with me #fair warning i am an anime watcher who only recently started getting into the rest of the media so all hcs are subject to change etc etc #maybe theres something later in the story that will drastically change my stance #or maybe ive forgotten something. also possible #my idolish7 fanfic writing phase draws closer and closer with ever passing day #~k

[bigification]

Careful What You Wish For

I lay the cheap looking lamp on my bathroom counter as I get ready for a bath. I can't believe I caved and bought it, it's obviously a scam. This stupid lamp isn't gonna grant any wishes, that old man just got some free cash out of me. It doesn't matter, I'll just take a relaxing bath and throw on some Netflix later.

I get undressed and run some hot water into the bath. Some scented candles set the mood for relaxation, and I throw on some music. I dip myself into the warm water, and lay back.

My relaxation doesn't last long however, as a rumbling catches my attention. It's the lamp. It's vibrating with enough force that I can feel it from across the bathroom. Suddenly a purple smoke emerges from the lamp.

"I may grant you one wish." A soft whisper echoes out of the smoke.

What the actual fuck. This isn't possible. Did that guy drug me? Maybe I should just say a wish to see if it's true.

"I wish to be a more mature looking guy who likes sports." I blurt out. I've always hated how much I look like a teenager despite being a full blown adult, so this could fix that. Also I wouldn't mind being a fit guy who likes sports, it wouldn't hurt.

The moment I say it, the smoke starts to travel towards me. All the smoke spirals into my mouth and nose. I should be scared, but it kinda feels nice. A warm feeling sprouts in the core of my body, making me feel relaxed again.

As the smoke fills my body, I feel my muscles twitching. It must be true, my body is changing. My twig like arms thicken, with bulging biceps and defined forearms. My soft hands grow twice as big and fill with rough callouses. My chest puffs out into two juicy pecs and my stomach flattens into a cut six pack. My thighs thicken as I feel my ass plump up. Even my feet look like they've grown a few sizes. I also have to start bending my legs, as Ive become too tall for the bath tub I'm sitting in.

I look at my reflection in the water and see a handsome man in his late twenties. Holy shit, I'm hot! I've got a chiselled jawline with a dark beard covering it. All my features seem more angular, more manly. As I'm observing my reflection, I notice a pelt of dark hair grow all over my body. My chest, my arms, my legs, everywhere is dusted in a coat of hair.

This is everything I wanted. Even the sports. Memories of playing sports all throughout school flood my mind. I especially liked soccer, though I also really liked weight lifting. More memories of my extensive sex life flood my mind, people are almost hypnotised by my good looks.

Just as I'm reminiscing about my past, I remember I should be working out right now. I can't skimp out on my workout routine. I go to get out of the bath and notice I've got my underwear on. Huh, I must have forgotten to take it off before getting in the bath.

As I'm stepping out of the bath, something feels wrong. A warm feeling once again fills my core. I look down and see my six pack fade under a belly of fat. It continues growing until it sags over my underwear. My pecs swell into a pair of man tits, though they still have a solid base of muscle. My arms double in size, though with a soft layer of fat now covering the muscles. My hands thicken until they look like stuffed sausages, as more rough features cover them.

I feel my underwear tighten around my waist as my ass fattens. My thighs thicken until there is no gap between them, and my feet grow many sizes. I even feel my perspective shift higher, as my height increases.

The dark hairs on my body fade to an almost white colour as the hair thickens around my body. As I'm looking down at my body, I notice hair on my head fall to the ground. I look in horror at my reflection in the mirror, I have to duck just to fully see my face. My hairline recedes all the way to the back of my head, leaving me practically bald. My once sharp facial features have softened under a layer of fat. And a double chin has formed under my beard. I look so old.

Though the more I stare at my body, the more familiar it becomes. Memories flood into my mind of my career in soccer. I was a high level player, and a popular one at that. But you age out of professional soccer in your late thirties. I started focusing more on the weight lifting and less on the cardio. There was only so long I could keep that six pack, and turning 50 certainly didn't help with that. I don't mind it though, it makes me feel more manly. And it makes the team I coach more afraid of me.

I snap out of my trance. I grab a towel and start to dry off. Damn I forgot to take off my underwear again, I should get rid of this one anyway, it doesn't fit me anymore. I duck and look at myself in the mirror.

"Lookin good coach." I say as I smile at myself.

I turn to the other side of the bathroom and step on my scale. It reads '350'.

"Damn, I've really let go of myself, huh." I say as I jiggle my gut.

I also measure my height, it reads 6"6. I should have gone into volleyball with the build I had.

I dry off and leave the bathroom. I grab a family sized bag of chips and lay my fat ass down on the couch. I open the tv and it's already on the world cup. I really wouldn't want it any other way.

#male tf #masculine #fat tf #hairy #reality change #male wg #muscle tf #male transformation #age progression

[jackasswhre]

Hiya idk if your requests are open but if they are can I get a jackass image/fic (Platonic) where reader gets dumped by their partner

This is kinda hard to explain

But yk how some people write a fic and there multiple people in that in fic that's kinda what I'm thinking like something with whatever jackass guys you want

(⁠ʘ⁠ᴗ⁠ʘ⁠✿⁠)

hiiiiii, yes they are open, sorry ive been really busy lately so i havent posted

i did headcanons bc i dont really know how to write full fics, also i did johnny, steve-o, ryan, bam and pontious :) hope you like it!!!!

Platonic!Johnny Knoxville/ Steve-o/ Bam Margera/ Ryan Dunn/ Chris Pontious x reader who has just been dumped

Johnny Knoxville

(im really sorry his is gonna be short bc i have no idea what to write for him)

Ok so i feel like Johnny would definetly hug you and tell you that it's going to be okay

Like some motivational dad talk lmao

Because his way of comforting you is most likely talking about it

And if you don't want to talk about it then he 100% understands and tells you that he's here for you

Probably watches a comedy movie/show with you so you will laugh

Orders takeout or makes food himself

Just like makes sure you feel alright and makes you forget about the person who just dumped you

Does anything you ask him to

In general he's really gentle about it

Steve-O

I feel like Steve-O wouldn't really be into the whole talking thing

I mean like he definetely will listen to you rant if you need to but he just wouldn't really know what to say

It also depends on what era it is

Because if he's sober then he's incredibly sweet and like Johnny probably watches a movie with you

But if he's not sober then he'll 100% suggest going to the bar and getting shit faced after like 10 minutes of hearing you talk about the breakup

And like honestly you two would have so much fun that night

Drinking and laughing

Honestly maybe even crying

If you don't want to go to the bar then he understands and goes by himself

Lmao jk he's not that mean

He might whine a bit but if you really don't want to go then he gets it and you guys probably fall asleep on the couch watching some early 2000s cartoon

Bam Margera

Now here's the deal with Bam

He totally and completely gets it and is there for you

But he will also suggest that you guys go skate to let some anger out

If you can skate it's not even gonna be a suggestion

He'll literally grab you, pull you off of the couch and throw you in the car to go to the skatepark

If you don't know how to skate he says that he'll help you and while you're there he "teaches" you different tricks but in reality he's just having fun and he may have slightly forgotten that you can't skate

Once you guys are done you probably hit up a gas station, buy some snacks and sit on the sidewalk

In the middle of converstation he'll ask if you're okay and if there's anything else he can do

Bam's an amazing friend so he'll help in any way he can

If the person who dumped you was a guy and was a total asshole then he definetely calls Dunn and they "talk" to him

You guys spend the rest of the night listening to HIM and maybe even smoking

Ryan Dunn

Bro when I tell you that Ryan is the best friend anyone could have I mean it

I mean like first of all he would 100% give you an AMAZING hug and tell it's gonna be alright

Then he would probably take you to the store and buy you whatever snacks and/or drinks you wanted

You guys would spend the rest of the afternoon/evening/night/whenever talking and watching tv

He shares some of his stories on how he got dumped and tells you that he knows how you feel and wants to make you as happy as possible

If you want to laugh then he'll put on some show or tell you funny stories

If you want to cry then he will totally cry with you

If you're mad then he will first try to calm you down and if that doesn't work he'll find an abandoned building or something where you guys can break stuff

If the rest of the viva la bam/cky guys hear about what you guys are doing they will 100% join you (and if you don't want them to Ryan tells them to fuck off)

Ryan's the definition of the sweetest friend anyone could have

Chris Pontious

Lets get one thing straight

Chris is the funniest person on the planet

So when you tell him about you getting dumped, his goal is to make you laugh as much as possible

Whether that's while you're crying

Or when you guys are talking about other things

He tries to get your mind off of it and he does anything to do it

Even if he totally embarasses himself in the process

As long as you're laughing he's happy

He's also really good at talking so if you don't want him to make jokes 24/7 he'll 100% listen and talk to you about other things

I feel like he gives really but also kinda stupid advice

Idk how to explain it

Maybe its the fact that normally everything that comes out of this dudes mouth is goofy as fuck

Or maybe its just the fact that he hasn't fully stopped making jokes

Whatever it is the advice is still pretty good

And he is still fully devoted to making you happy

Also please laugh at his jokes

Even if they're kinda bad

It'll boost his ego so much lmao

#jackass #jackass x reader #viva la bam #viva la bam x reader #bam margera #bam margera x reader #jackass number two #jackass the movie #bam margera headcanons #bam margera imagine #johnny knoxville headcanons #johnny knoxville x reader #johnny knoxville #steve o #steve-o #steveo x reader #steve-o x reader #ryan dunn #ryan dunn x reader #ryan dunn headcanons #chris pontius #chris pontious x reader #chris pontious

[void-chara]

My gift for the @technoblade-gift-exchange !! i was assigned to @simplepotatofarmer who asked for dsmp rivals duo. i hope you like it Loyal!

rambling about headcanons, designs, and my process and stuff under the readmore, because i wanna talk about it but dont want the post to be super long !!

i had originally planned to not have a background and then at the last second i decided to speedrun drawing one in a few hours so um. quality difference but its fine. also unrelated but im pretty sure everything about how i draw animals and anthros makes it very obvious i used to be in the warrior cats fandom lol. anyway onto the designs!!

the gold on techno is scars from the totem at the execution, which i think is a pretty common thing for techno designs. he isnt supposed to be a piglin, but rather similar species of anthropomorphic pig. also his mane and tail fluff are naturally brown but he dyes them pink ^_^ so cool !! um. i maaayyy have forgotten the crown until i was way too far into the piece to add it. haha. oops. pretend its missing because. uuh. hes in a casual outfit. "but he still has the cape" yeah its comfy. "but dream has a mask thats not casual" dream is dream he does Not relax fully ever. see entirely intentional i would never make a mistake.

dream is an original shapeshifter species i came up with because i couldnt decide what i wanted him to be. i havent decided on a name for the species yet but i plan to make almost every solid-color or nearly solid color mcyt into this species. theyre mostly involuntary/unconscious shapeshifters. so like they change slowly over weeks or months to adapt to their surroundings, with little conscious control. basically i wanted him to be like five different things so i shoved them together lol, rabbit ears but in a pattern that looks like an axolotl, a cool tail, TOE BEANS tho you cant see them. this was actually the first time ive ever had a dream design im happy with so thats really nice.

i um. i made full use of my time lol, i spent a bit over a week on the lineart, another week on the coloring, and maybe a week and a half on rendering. unless i suddenly became shit at math(which is possible) that adds up to roughly the amount of time i had to work on it. im really proud of myself actually since i usually take a while to do art, and i wasnt sure i would be able to make something id be happy with in this amount of time. but i did! woah!! this was my first time participating in a fandom gift exchange and it was so fun, and also helped motivate me to draw more instead of getting distracted like i usually do (classic adhd moment) lol. anyway super cool!!

Loyal if u decided to read all this for some reason then again i really hope u like it!! u are so cool and i really love ur rivals duo opinions and creations so i hope u like this! i know theres been shit happening lately, i hope ur doing ok!!

#technoblade #dreamwastaken #rivals duo #dream smp #dreblr #technogiftexchange #<- thats the tag right? #also wow i think i said too many words. i dont think anyone else rambled that much about their gift. um. in my defense the only thing more #powerful than my written language learning disorder is my adhd and autism. so. yeah. lots of words. #aaaaaa i feel like how i wrote everything is so awkward. i am just a creature imitating others i have no idea how to interact with people.. #hmmm. posting now before anxiety gets the better of me! #edit: wait fuck i forgot my art tag. how do i ALWAYS forget my art tag. #chara makes things

[biostris]

Heya i'm here for some wholesome marriage headcanons of Saltbaker x reader! Bcs why not?

A/N: doing this one specifically bc I'm not feeling the best emotionally (i was forgotten abt) and i like to think of stuff like this. also plz lmk what tag i need to look up for more saltbaker gifs- (C/W): none

:Chef Saltbaker x Reader:

:Marriage Headcannons:

It is a fairly traditional marriage, especially the ceremony, however if you don't wish to marry at a church then he will oblige and happily try to find other Venue's that you both enjoy

a possible venue would be the fanciest restaurant in ink well, or maybe something outside

I've stated this previously but come hell or high water this man is NOT taking off his damn wedding band! he loves you too much to take it off and hes proud that he's married to you!

I like to imagine that he moves from Isle IV to a suburb so you guys can start a family and not fear the raging sea that lies so close to the island town

maybe some sort of ranch house or Victorian style with a big kitchen so he can twirl you around while his latest dish cooks

maybe ill make it in house flipper :)

he definitely wants kids, all options are on the table though he'd like two little shakers running around if it is possible. wants at least two, six at the most!

Chores are split, even if he had a busy day at the bakery he is always ready to help with any extra chores or taking care of the kids

type of husband to watch the kids the first few months while his partner rests

he makes enough money to support his family so if you wanted to start a small business or just be a stay at home guardian he would happily allow you to do so

he is a proud and family oriented man and there is nothing he wouldnt do for his spouse.

#chef saltbaker cuphead #chef saltbaker x reader #chef saltbaker simp #cuphead chef saltbaker #chef saltbaker

[docheros]

Forget me not

a full fleshed out jse fanfic from tae??? in our holy year 2024???? it's more likely than you think

anyways i tag (and blame /j) @the-pastel-kitsune for this. jasper your brain

janti are like. the original tragic yaoi

likes and comments appreciated!

========================

Waking up from a much too quiet nightmare, a silente scare. As if, after hours and hours of falling, finally feeling the real weight of gravity and, one second before brutally hitting the floor, feeling your body against the softness of the mattress. That was the feeling Jack felt when he woke up.

How much time had passed? One day? Two? One week? Months? Years?

Maybe, enough for a change.

He tried to open his eyes, they had been closed for a long time. The sudden flash blinded him, but not as much as his drifting memories, trying to swim back to his mind.

He got used to the flash and focused the image better in his vision; the ceiling in his room was still intact. With tense movements, he looked to one side, looked the other, concentrated to listen to something. Nothing. No “get better soon” cards, no familiar voices downstairs.

With some difficulty, he tried to get up. It took about 20 minutes to do this: first, he had to send the message to the rest of the body. Then, get his arms and legs used to movements again (it probably wasn't possible to do it this soon, but it's not like his dizzy mind could even rationalize it). He didn't even risk to remove the IV without the help of a professional, he had already lost tons of blood. He grabbed the IV and walked with shaky steps towards the door. He could already imagine the scolds that Henrik would give him, and already formulated mischievous responses, full of giggles, just like the old days. He opened the door.

And came face to face with a wide hallway, infinite on both sides. Was he still dreaming?

Apprehensive to actually leave the room, he held on to the edge of the door and tried to find some sign of life on the right side. Not long after, he heard someone calling him on the left side.

— Jack?

A familiar voice he had never heard before. He turned to look at who called him, finding a... man.

It was like as if he was looking at a broken mirror, all the similarities between them accentuated their differences: the man was a little taller, more curved, bearder and hairier. His eyes were black like an endless abyss, empty and deep. But also, full of emotion. Pure, wild emotion. Uncontrollable.

And his skin was red like blood, removing any shred of normality he might have had. Like someone Jack knew for a long time.

Some habits never change.

He smiled.

— Anti?

The being, head down, looked him up and down: his IV, his unmistakable friendly expression. The same man.

— Yeah... it's me.

His voice was now deep, firm, sure of himself and his purpose, different from the high-pitched and brittle voice he was used to.

— You’re different.

— And you remain the same.

— Where are the others? — he looked around — where are we?

Anti didn't answer. He lowered hie shoulders and looked down at the floor, as if resenting his very existence. Jack slowly opened his mouth.

— ...oh.

And the silence, the deafening silence. Jack turned back into the room, inviting his friend to enter as well.

— So — he sat on the bed — How long has it been?

— About six years. But for you, seven. You’re stuck in 2017.

— Do they still remember me?

— Henrik tries at all costs, but he’s slowly forgetting. Chase only has a vague memory. Jameson and Jackie... — he sighed — it's as if you never existed. The one that remembers most is Marvin, but I doubt it’ll be for long.

— Will I be completely forgotten, then?

— Not by everyone — he raised his face, smiling without showing his teeth — I won’t forget you. I'm your community, remember?

Jack laughed, turning his attention to the large window on the central wall of the room. The moon shone dimly.

— What happens if I climb out the window?

— Nothing much — he shrugged — that’s like cardboard.

— Anti. Will I die?

The answer took a few seconds to come out of Anti's dry mouth.

— I can't tell you. But... I hope not.

— Update me on what happened — he leaned against the wall, hugging his legs — I'm curious about the reason for this drastic change in appearance.

Anti told him about everything: from the kickoff that was the “CHASE” video to the “Void Silver” and “The somewhat incredible JackieBoy Man” comics.

— Wow... So I really missed a lot — Jack chuckled, still digesting I.R.I.S — I never thought it’d reach this level.

— And looks like there will be videogames, it's pretty crazy — he smiled — sometimes I still feel a little unqualified to be this Super Badass Villain. I mean, until a while ago, I was still...

— A boy? — he smiled fondly — Yeah, me too. I’d love to be able to follow the rest of your journey.

Anti swallowed hard, sitting down next to him.

— I'll miss you and annoying you — He looked at him, but his gaze dropped to his lips — I annoy Chase, but... it's not the same thing. It's more serious.

Jack held Anti's hand in his, stroking the back. Where he pressed, it turned green.

— I'll miss you annoying me too. Good times.

And they faced each other, for the first time in years. And they really did it, observing and studying the other's behavior. Jack admired those deep, dark eyes; entered them, there discovered a home. He found a boy behind that frightening and powerful shell, a boy with a mischievous smirk, excessive jealousy and a slit throat. His Anti. Waiting for him, with a wide smile and a decapitated teddy bear.

And in Jack's shiny blue eyes, Anti found a mature, accomplished man, satisfied with what he had achieved. They reminded him of Seán.

The creature just like the creator.

And that scared him.

— Jack. I need to tell you something. I... — he swallowed hard — I love you. I've always loved you.

— Do you love me as my community — he brushed back some dark hair from his red forehead — or as AntiSepticEye?

— As AntiSepticEye — he brought his pale hand to his mouth, leaving a kiss — as your creation, your alter ego. Your other half.

— The half that completes me — he smiled — Funny. You were here from the beginning. And it's here at the end too.

— I promise I’ll come visit you. And I'll bring gifts.

— Anti, just grant me one wish: give me a kiss.

There was no way to deny a request like that; not when it was something Anti had desired too, since he first laid eyes on Jack. From the moment he realized they were antagonistic forces, that they could never meet.

But now, for the first time, they could. For the first and last.

And he kissed him, two semi-identical faces united in a disharmonious tune. Two parallel lines intersecting. He kissed him as if his very life depended on it, exploring every corner of that mouth, so similar to his. He kissed him with a bitter and slightly salty taste.

He kissed him.

— Anti — Jack caressed his cheeks, wet with hot tears — I love you. I love you so much. I'm so very proud of what you have achieved. Who would have thought that a kid’s play would turn into the main villain of a complete story?

Anti laughed through tears, an ugly laugh.

— I promise I won't forget you. Never.

— You will end up forgetting — he kissed his forehead — and I'll be the happiest man in the world for having loved you.

#i'm writing!! #c!jack #anti #septicglitch

[talkinfanfic]

Hi Storyshark! I'm a big Oasis fan and I think you're such a great writer! Is there any chance you would write more Gallaghercest "origin stories"? I always love to read about how it all started and like stories that are set in the early days of the band and before Liam even joined.

Did you ever entertain the idea about writing something that touches on the topic of why Liam's relationship to big brother Paul is so different to big brother Noel? I think it's quite interesting to think about what could have happened in their childhood and youth that made Liam crave Noel's attention and approval more than Paul's and made Noel more of a father figure to him. And I think anyone who meets Liam would be attracted by his beauty and charisma, so I think it's also interesting to think about how Paul reacts in a different way to it than Noel. And the topic of Noel feeling guilty of what he's doing to and how he's feeling about his baby brother is also always so interesting.

Thanks for reading and have a good day!

Thank you so much for reading and submitting an ask, gosh how flattering! For anyone interested in my writing, you probably already know I've got a blog over here (@storyshark2005) To answer your question-- Yeeeesss actually! I've got a few ideas and WIPs going right now in the "Been and Gone" universe. It's just a matter of time and me focusing long enough to get the next one out!

Paul in particular is the story I'm probably most focused on. I was just working on it last night! I'll stick a teaser below :) But here's kind of a rough checklist of what I'll be trying to accomplish...

Gene POV - done! Summary: “The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.” Falling down (2005 - 2019).

"A Week in Mustique" - multi POV, some shorter glimpses from multiple characters over the course of a family holiday in Mustique!

Paul POV - Paul trying to be his own man. Some possible romance with Katie. His complicated relationship with his brothers. Feeling outside.

Sara POV. - Set during and after Story IV. Honestly I had a whole thing for this, but story 4 turned out a bit different, so I'll have to mull this one over... but it'll prob flash back to Sara's upbringing, and also go into some of broke down in their marriage, which isn't JUST the Liam factor. (*cough* freaky fridays *cough)

Matt Morgan POV - A night out, late in 2022. Maybe a party to celebrate one of Noel's singles releasing. He finds out about Liam/Noel. Debbie brings him into the circle. We see Debbie stressing being the 'secret keeper'.

Debbie POV - Debbie finding the Liam/Noel thing more intense than maybe she’d thought, navigating where she fits in. The REAL start of the Noel/Debbie bit of the triangle!

Anyway here's a bit from "Paul" below the cut:

Saturday, 19 August 1978. Burnage, Manchester

“Eeyare,” Noel pokes his head in the door. He’s all sweaty, fringe stuck to his forehead. “What’s the score, our kid?” 

“One-nil to Derby. Charlie George, overhead kick.”

Noel’s nose wrinkles. “Gooner cunt. Can I borrow your guitar?” He nods to the corner behind Paul’s bed, where the cheap little Yamaha acoustic lay dusty and neglected.

“No.” 

“Well you’re not fuckin’ playin’ it.” 

“Yeah, and neither are you.” Paul adjusts the dial, swiveling from the commentary on Picadilly Sport, over to the BBC2.

“Whatever. I’ll just play it tonight while you’re out helping the old fella.” 

The dial skitters to a staticky stop. Fuck, but he’d forgotten. 

“It’s your turn,” Noel says flatly. “He’s got 32 Club tonight.”

He’s right, is the thing. Noel hadn’t come home last night till almost 3am. It’s Paul’s turn to haul the boxes of vinyl into the club, and then nurse a coke in the corner for six hours while Tommy DJ spins his tunes and then pisses away the week’s earnings on cards.

A sudden thunder of trainers pounds up the stairs, and Liam comes skidding into frame, crashing up against Noel’s hip. He’s bright-eyed and pink-cheeked, and just as sweaty as Noel, fringe split in half by a violent cowlick. He’s wearing a faded old ringer tee with Ernie from Sesame Street on the front that used to belong to Noel (and possibly Paul before him). 

“I want a Capri-Sonne,” he curls a fist in Noel’s shirt and tugs. He’s got grass stains on his knees from chasing Noel and his mates around the park. 

Liam’s a horrible little brother. Five-going-on-six, he’s lightning in a bottle, caught only just barely-- crackling and popping with a heaving, restless energy. He’s also a charming little fucker when he needs to be, which he never does around Noel or Paul. The church ladies and the aunties think he’s an angel.

Noel ignores the tugging and whining. Paul can see a fading bruise above his elbow where their Dad had grabbed him last week, screaming about some perceived slight or uppity attitude Noel had apparently been giving off.

“Hewitt nicked the Pistols record from Sifter’s. Youngie and Vince are comin’ over, we’re all goin’ round his in a bit for a listen.”

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Noel shrugs. 

Liam butts his face into Noel’s stomach. Noel allows it, resting a hand on top of his bowl cut. Noel casts his gaze somewhere out the window, out to the clouds, barely invested in the conversation, or the little brother buzzing under his hands.

Liam gives another headbutt, drawing a scowl and Noel’s attention back.

“Fucking stop it--” 

“I WANT my FUCKING DRINK!”

Paul looks down at his scorecard. “Maybe after the match.” 

Noel looks up, distracted with Liam wrangled into a one-armed headlock. Liam has his arms wrapped around Noel’s waist like an obnoxious little squid.  

“What?” 

“I said, maybe I’ll come round after the match.”��

Paul’s not really planning to show up. He could go round Hewitt’s any day to listen to the album. And it’d be better without Noel there, anyway, talking all the way through. (Mister fucking McCharmley, was Noel. Hewitt had been Paul’s mate, originally.)

Anyway. Noel’s only asking ‘cos he knows Mam’ll ask him where he’s off to, and why Paul’s not going with. 

“Whatever.” Noel shrugs and turns out of the room, disentangling himself from Liam’s sticky grasp. “Liam, getoff--!” 

“I’m coming, too!”

“No you’re fucking not.”

“Noely!” Liam curls his fingers into the back of Noel’s shirt and tugs again, whining for his Capri-Sonne. 

“Get it yourself!” 

“Mam put ‘em on top of the fridge, I can’t reach--!”  

Noel groans but diverts down the stairs, and Liam gives out a joyous whoop of triumph.

Paul sighs, turning back to the radio. Halftime, still one-nil. He skips back to Radio 2. Which is when he hears it. 

Years and years and years later, Paul will meet this photographer friend who’s into fucking birds, of all things. Like...photographing them, and going on trips to find rare ones. This friend, she tells him about her ‘spark bird’. Apparently, a spark bird is the first bird that lights the match in you, that makes you want to get up at the crack of fucking dawn and go creeping through a marsh for a glimpse of some rare South American ruffle-headed whats-a-ma-doo. 

Paul doesn’t give a fuck about birds. But he knows what she means when she talks about a spark bird. Because Paul’s always liked music, same as he likes talking to pretty girls, and the smell of brand new trainers, and Man City winning a string of matches. 

But something about what he hears crashing through the speakers that Saturday afternoon; that strange, hitching synthesizer bit in the intro; the fast-train staccato of Keith Moon up on the hi-hat, nervous like a racing heart; Entwhistle dancing patiently underneath, holding the rhythm down; Townshend’s carelessly cool, yet exacting and luxuriant guitar work; and above it all, Roger Daltrey’s relentless, fearless growl demanding an answer to the most important question that Paul had never heard asked before, by anyone, including himself:

Who are you? 

Who? 

Who?

Paul listened that day, and then bought and nearly wore out the single over the next few months, totally entranced and unable to answer. Anything he could have mustered seemed superficial, insubstantial: ‘Paul Anthony Gallagher, son of Peggy and Tommy, brother to Noel and Liam.’ 

And what else, the question seemed to beg, what else?! Give me something real-- who the fuck are you??

Make something of yourself, it seemed to say. Find an answer.

Years and years and years later, despite the fire burning in his belly to do something, be someone...he still doesn’t have an answer. 

‘The other brother,’ maybe. 

Anyway. Fuck knows. Maybe he’s nobody. Most people are nobody. They’re born, they live and they have a few dreams, and then they die with most of those dreams unrealised. 

That’s just life, mate. It’s not that tragic a story. ***

#fanfiction #oasis RPF #gallaghercest #gcest #world that's been and gone #paul gallagher

[corpsebrigadier]

Important Guide to Final Fantasy Tactics Era Ivalician Monarchs

This is actually important to exactly an audience of me, but I just want to set down this down because I long for it to escape my convoluted fanfictioning notes and live in the world. I worked so very hard on this nerdery that does not matter and I think I've figured out how this game's history works... maybe?

Denamunda (Denamda) II -> Starts the Fifty Years War by decreeing he has a claim on the Ordallian throne, ostensibly to help liberate the formerly independent territory of Zelmonia. Valowa (Varoi) VI (king of Ordallia and Denamunda's first cousin once removed... I think?) is not a fan. Fifty Years later, everyone seems to have forgotten that Ivalice was the aggressor and talks about Cid and Balbanes (Barbaneth) fighting the good fight against those dastardly Ordallian invaders.

Denamunda III -> Much like the mysterious Order of the Western Sky, he's only sort of implied to exist... maybe. Might not be real. If he was, he was possibly either not king or was king for like two hot seconds because Denamunda IV is recorded as Denamunda II's successor.

Denamunda IV -> Ivalice's Henry V. Good at war and generally considered cool. Fought off the Romandans who were actually invading (whose king is some sort of something cousin of his some amount of times removed... I think?). The time of his reign is almost sort of calculable if you play weird math games. He could not have been reigning less than seven years prior to game, given that Ruvelia (Louveria) was made queen by the act of marrying his son Omdoria (Ondoria) III. Could not have been reigning too far before game as he names Zalbag (Zalbaag) Savior of Ivalice, and Zalbag, being 28, probably wasn't saving Ivalice below a certain age (although he apparently would have had to have saved it by the age of 21 at the latest). Dies after he's done with the Romandans possibly owing to some sort of poison. Supposedly Ovelia's dad but nobody really brings it up.

Omdoria III -> Ivalice's Henry VI. Bad at war and at ruling and at not being controlled by his evil wife who is Ivalice's Margaret of Anjou. Sickly and also bad at staying alive. Has some poisonable children. Adopts the not-poisoned Ovelia before the not-poisoned Orinas (Orinus) is born and is apparently also bad at declaring who is heir apparent and who is heir presumptive. Dies such that all his shitty cousins (or second cousins idk) start the Lion War.

Ovelia/Orinas??? -> Who is the monarch: a sad teenager or a dumb little baby? Who knows? Let's have a war about it. Technically Orinas has the better claim. Even if he is a bastard (as Vormav (Folmarv) indicates), Ruvelia is still descended from Denamunda II and Orinas has some royal blood, unlike his sister/aunt who is a fake princess who is fake. However, he is also probably barely toilet trained and is too lazy to even show up in the game. Not great king material.

Delita I -> Much like nobody can sort out who is heir apparent and who is heir presumptive, Ivalice just has a loophole where you can marry the reigning monarch and become the king regnant and not the prince consort. Furthermore, even after the reigning monarch you marry dies, you get to keep the throne instead of having it revert to the dumb little baby in Romanda who should be the next claimant. Who knew?

#final fantasy tactics #fft

[tuzesdays]

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

(This can also be in dms :3)

its 3am and someone just set off two fireworks directly outside my home so hi andy good morning lets talk dayshift

so i use grammarly and basic spelling correct to edit, right? what yall dont see, that i do, is before every chapter i plug everything into the text box and let grammarly go at it - usually this ends up with.... id say the average number of corrections it suggests is around 70. and every time, i go thru the whole thing checking every correction because man, grammarly does NOT know how real people talk. theres a certain cadence to verbal speech yknow? something i try to emulate in my regular texting style, but in a properly formatted story its different (not harder or easier, different) because while you cant capitalize random words for Emphasis, you CAN do a whole bunch of other stuff: dashes, sentence breaks, i especially like to split a chunk of dialogue in half with a described action. maybe not every misspelling is intentional, but all the words are.

and some of the stuff i thought about is NEVER - or at least UNLIKELY to be - coming up in the story!! for instance, i dont do things like flashbacks. what you see of the characters background and experiences either comes from what they say or what their actions imply. sunbite gives the benefit of internal dialogue and memory, but its a yn fic so even thats spotty sometimes.

people who just read the fic would Never Know that sunbites blood relation father only ever saw them once. and i also dont include things that wouldnt be apparent to the characters- it has no effect on them, how would they ever know? how would sunbite ever know that they have a little sibling, possibly more than one? how would you ever know that obi's "heirlooms" from his grandmother included another ring passed down maternally for the last five generations with a decent sized sapphire on it? would you know that sunbite loves dogs because their first imaginary friend was one, and they named him Lucky? this stuff has no effect of them now, practically forgotten about. but its there cause i say it is.

storytelling is fucking Wild, dude. of course i took some inspiration from bamsara and naffeclipse (god damn at this point what dca writer hasnt a little bit) but also im pretty proud of my 'do no harm, take no shit' yn. it was always gonna be them, theyre the only person for the job in my mind. the way ive structured things and the way things are going to go, only people with that attitude - and that unkillable amount of hope and love - would be able to make it all the way through. maybe thats not the easiest character to project onto, but hey, its more a personal thing. dayshift go figure is, among other things, a power fantasy.

anyway, took the oppurtunity to ramble, its 3am. tldr; i put a lot of thought into word usage and character history, and most of those thoughts arent important to anyone but me.

#dayshift go figure #tuz asks

[azumasoroshi]

watched the first two episodes of oshi no ko a while back (REALLY FUCKING GOOD, ive been a manga reader for a while but i stopped reading the recent chapters and basically forgot everything except for the major points and god it’s so satisfying to have the adaptation remind me of what i’ve forgotten in the most beautiful way possible)

but this post isnt about onk, it’s about izaya!! izaya orihara!! lets fucking goooooooooo izaya idol au!!!! i cant get this flea out of my BRAIN

i was about to open a new canvas to draw some more shizaya stuff for my animatic that im never gonna finish and i was like huh. maybe i should draw onk fanart. and then i remembered this art of venti genshin impact with ai’s eyes and i remembered thinking man i hope this becomes an artist trend for people to do with their art blorbos! and then i was like OH. guess i could contribute to the trend by drawing izaya with ai’s eyes

and then i started thinking and i was like huh. Ai’s never experienced love from her parents, doesn’t think she knows how to love or how to express it, doesn’t get attached to others easily, is a perpetual liar, became an idol because she hoped she would learn how to love - oh hey doesnt. that. sound like izaya. just a little bit. not exactly, her character goes into more learning how to love/that she can love while izaya’s character is i can love but only impersonally because i’m afraid of getting hurt and his arc would be learning to let his walls down for his own good

SO for izaya idol au, izaya would become an idol because he wants to experience love, or something along the lines of “there’s no greater demonstration of parasocial love and foolish decision making than in the idol industry! ahaha~” and probably “idols are perfect liars and i need to put myself into their shoes so i can become an even better liar and close myself off to any possibility of falling in love that could ever exist”

there’s a lot of reasons he might want to become an idol, really. there’s so much corruption and behind-the-scenes dealing and lies and facades and shit in the entertainment industry that i think izaya would eat for breakfast. he would LOVE witnessing that shit and making his own shady deals and stuff and occasionally ruining lives and watching people rise and fall down the rankings and tear each other down. plus the people who are in it for passion rather than money are fascinating as well. psychology student’s dream really- i mean what this is definitely about izaya and not me projecting

plus he definitely has the looks for it (narita would hard agree given how many times he’s indirectly called izaya attractive through other characters. we love a canonically hot king)

now i need to make everything shizaya because i’m not okay but i have no idea who shizuo would be lmao

like you could make him some up and coming manager (no age difference stuff here sorry lmao) or a fellow idol (doubtful. shizuo can act cute but i dont think he could dance) or an actor like akane/kana or a streamer??? like memcho (my favorite character)

a mangaka/screenplay writer/writer in general could also work but i feel like you’d have less reason to interact with idols that way

idk how japanese idol groups work for men in particular or if there’s even like a market for that :sob: id have to look into that if i actually started making stuff for this au

alternatively izaya crossdresses as a female idol and somehow no one realizes. except for shizuo. that would be hilarious actually. he refuses to do swimsuit modeling or other provocative stuff and his fans are like “oh?? the brazen kanra-chan is unexpectedly shy?? how cute” and he plays into it but inwardly he’s like. god i know exactly how im gonna go out with a bang when i retire. and shizuo watches him playing at being shy on tv knowing that that motherfucker is planning to strip on his last days as an idol

anyway this is just me spitballing ideas but ill definitely write at least a concept/intro fanfic of this at some point so stay tuned lmAo im just about to run out of writing juices on ABAON so i gotta transfer my energy somewhere else and where better than the idol!izaya au

#shizaya #idolzaya #ill be using that tag for whatever idol au stuff i come up with #i drafted this like. five days after the onk anime came out #this has been drafted for way longer than i wanted it to be #this was also sorta inspired by the idol!kim dokja au fic that’s really popular #i think the male idol industry is way stronger in korea than japan thiugh #that said i dont interact with idols at all personally lmAOO so i have no idea #i will do research later i promise #and read more of more more jump!’s stories for inspiration PFF #i wonder if izaya’s group should be a bunch of drrr girls or like. mostly irrelevant side characters #or if he should just go solo which again. i need to research how hard that would be #i feel like he might want to blend in a bit inside a group #would be fun to observe the jealousy and drama and group dynamics up close too #because if they get jealous of HIM at any point he might just laugh until he dies #i have more ideas but i should save those for the fanfic…. #anyway #izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #durarara #im excited for this one bro oshi no ko is one of my favorite series ever #but like. not for the romance just because i really like learning about the entertainment industry LMAOO #i dont ship aqua with anyone tbh #can he just be besties with everyone pls #i loved his and kana’s relationship in the beginning where they’re like two good actors in a room full of mids #that was a fun dynamic but it just went downhill for me personally #oh well i can talk about this in my author’s notes pff

[eternalgaylord]

Hey what's your favorite disc-shaped-world book (and why)

sorry for the late answer!

it's a toss up between Going Postal* and one of the Watch books, not sure which. maybe The Fifth Elephant or Thud! (ive not read Snuff or Feet of Clay yet)

i'm really partial to Moist. there's just something about a forcefully (at first) reformed conman... i like the themes of choice and like, deeds vs intentions or inner essence and insecurity when the former doesn't catch up with the latter quickly enough. it's fun that he's so charismatic but, because we're privy to his internal freak outs, he feels like just some guy. also Adora is quite literally smoking.

i've always appreciated how Angua got more focus in The Fifth Element. the sense of danger in Uberwald and the climax/chase sequences with Wolfgang (plus the "then it's just murder" aftermath) have stuck with me, even though i feel i've forgotten most of the subplots.

otoh, as i typed that, i realized my fav Watch book has gotta be either Thud!, Guards! Guards!, or possibly Night Watch.

i'm rereading Thud! rn and can't wait for the near-climax (which has got to be one of the most iconic scenes, right? the image of Vimes howling, blind, through the dark...) the intrigue and humour are at their peak here.

Guards! Guards! is fun for its rough-beginnings origin-story setting, plus drunk-and-depressed Vimes. i honestly didn't care about the dragon at all.

and of course Night Watch has the tension of the brewing rebellion going for it, plus a good bit of tragedy.

*Making Money doesn't quite get there for me, but it's still great. i want to read Raising Steam still. (btw, when i was younger i thought Moving Pictures was a Moist book from the name. imagine my disappointment)

#discworld #sorry for putting this in the tag i want to keep my blog organized #ask

[dromaeo-sauridae]

what’s an au or oc story you’ve been working on?

just something idk if ive mentioned it at all its a story ive been working on its uh

its called promethea it was originally an au of a moderately popular rpg from like 2011 but over the past 6 years its slowly

its slowly consumed my life and i now lay awake at night thinking about the ways alien life can evolve on a large tidally locked moon. im kind of losing my mind over it actually did you know that three different major characters fucking die and they all come back? one of the most important characters used to be a sidekick with nothing to do except be kinda annoying to other characters and fun to draw but now shes responsible for the entire story and spends most of it as a rotting corpse leaking ancient forgotten magic into this weird little moon. another character spends the whole story dead and thats also a big plot point and hes so large that his body forms half a continent and is part of the creation myth of at least a dozen cultures. theres also animals called pegasi but i mean are they really? another thing im stressed about is the other land forms on this moon cuz i like the idea of it being mostly water with a few broken up chunks of land spread out across it but i really suck at making maps and that makes it harder for me to start so over the course of 6 years actually maybe 7 idk ive made i think one map of a single area. maybe 2 maps. i dont know. maps scare me. i didnt even mention the other character that is created out of misplaced worship and attempts to become the new death god by systematically possessing and killing as many people as possible in order to get more powerful and in the end it gets eaten like how at the end of jurassic world the mosasaurus kills the indominus rex, crushing young me’s hopes and dreams and kickstarting a new amalgam of hyperfixations that was just a really weird time and manifested in some strange arguments with my siblings. sorry what was this ask about

#people talking to me #i dont even. yeah whatever i’ll post this

[sp-ud]

I wonder if part of the theme for this update could be related to archeology/ancient ruins in general.

Heres is how the official minecraft account described the update:

Storytelling you say? Could you perhaps mean in the way of people coming up with stories for the ancient items they dig up?

Similar to one of the concepts first shown when archeology was proposed? Where we were shown that you would dig up fragments of clay pots with designs on them (one example being the ender dragon) and could assemble them however you wanted to make your own story?

Along with functional bookcases being added? ... okay well I don't think mojang would add solid written lore in ancient ruins to minecraft, that would go against the whole "self-expression" part.

BUT! Maybe in ruins we could find untranslatable books, written in the same mysterious language as enchantment books are. (The words geniunly not translating and just being nonsense, even tho galactic is a 1:1 of the English alphabet. Pretty sure the same is true with the words seen when enchanting but ive never actually checked.)

Plus! The sniffer won. It would fit in perfectly with an update themed around archeology and other ancient ruin-y things.

"What if the sniffer hadn't won? What if it was one of the other mobs? It wouldnt fit the update!"

Well I feel how the tuff golem could work in ancient ruins is pretty obvious, with its whole thing being a walking item frame that also looks like a statue.

And for the rascal, one of its possible rewards could have been like, maps to places where you could find ruins or fossils or something. Like how you can get buried treasure maps from underwater chests and guardian/mansion maps from villagers.

Obviously, I could be wrong. A lot of what I'm saying doesn't quite fit the 'self-expression and representation' parts of the updates description. But like, I think I might be onto something.

And if I'm not? I'll be mildly disappointed, but it will be on me for theorizing, not on mojang for not delivering on stuff they never promised

... for this update. They've said archeology will be coming eventually. And so far 1/4 of the biome vote losers has actually made it to their 'eventually', so there's proof they have in fact not forgotten about their other 'eventually's.

#minecraft #minecraft 1.20 #spud originals #long post

[queenofgraveyards]

g you’re fr killing me with all that baby talk in ataraxia like im soooooooooo mentally far away from wanting a baby irl but you’re making me feel all types of baby fever recently but like minus the baby

and i need ivy to give h a baby asap!!!!!! like i can totally see her telling h she’s not made to work long hours and now that she’s experienced the stay at home girlfriend lifestyle that goes shopping for her family after brunch with friends i need her to just weaponize her spoiled baby girl tendencies. and i think harry would be even more excited than her cause that means shes one step closer to becoming his house wife and baby momma. he’d be all “of course my love and what about doing something during the day to keep your mind busy huh? maybe pilates? pottery classes? fashion design course? whatever you want my love!!!” and he’s totally doing that already projecting a future with ivy becoming a full blown soccer mom who goes to his office in the middle of the day bringing his lunch and to have sex before picking up the kids from ballet :’) i just want ivy to live her best life and harry is so gone for her he’s just nodding and happily footing the bills

ps dont think ive forgotten the housewife blurb you suggested a while ago cause i havent!!!!!!! somno won the polls yeah but just imagining the possibilities for that housewife blurb makes me 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

xxxxxxx 🥡 ily queen

you’ve honestly summarised it for me too like I loooooove the breeding shit and coming from bambi h? SO hot but I do not want a baby and I want to keep that shit so far away it’s not even funny but I’d let him talk that SMACK to me and it would get me OFF I won’t even lie haha and yah like ivy doesn’t even like children and she don’t want none of that shit but she’ll give him a child 😌 she’ll give him WHATEVER he wants and she’s aware that she’s wrapped around his finger she don’t care and h certainly doesn’t care he wants a FAMILY and he will pout at his wife until she gives him one 🤪 don’t you worry house girlfriend ivy is coming…and sugar daddy/daddy/breadwinner boyfriend h is coming…and he’ll find absolutely ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for her bc he wants her to be happy and as long as she’s giving him babies after babies she can do whatever else…also just thought abt how insane he’ll be when she gets pregnant and how he’ll go to every single appt she has for the baby (and even not just for the baby) in fact he’s the one BOOKING all the appts and they’re going to classes n he’s reading books and he’s talking to his mum all the time and his sister and he’s just so obsessed with ivy like EVEN MORE than he already is…she stops being able to do anything for herself (not that she does a whole lot now anyway lmaooo) okay sorry got side tracked that’s a whole diff conversation lmao oh YEAH im going to work that blurb idea into a chapter so don’t worry :-) i just need to decide if she’s quit her job n IS a housewife without the ring and he comes home or if they’re still working together n she just has a day off or something but it will be in there!!!!! LOVE YOU SO MUCH🩵

#chinese takeaway #answered #fic stuff #bambi

[prideandpen]

not to be all boo-hoo my dad died and now i’ll never be happy again because like. obviously that’s not true. but like. im so fucking angry. if there was one good thing this year gave me it was the acceptance that I do still want to write to publish and make something of myself as an author and i had been intending on really trying to figure out how to make that happen and now? now I have been without a job since june when i left my shit retail job and been dragging my feet on finding a new one because i have been so incredibly fortunate enough to be able to live with parents who haven’t needed or expected me to put up rent

and i really thought that maybe 2023 was going to be my year, because it couldn’t possibly be worse than the bullshit ive been through this year. and now my dad is dead. and not only is that so painful because of all the things I probably should have done differently and because his doctors basically killed him by being careless and negligent and not very good people doctors but also because even with my brother moving back in im really going to have to try and find my footing again in a job im all but guaranteed to hate and struggle in which will no doubt wreck my energy and ability to create.

i really thought for a while that maybe I was finally getting closer to being happy. like generally as a whole happy - like with my life instead of good moments and good times in the midst of everything being a struggle. i thought i was going to find my way. thought that in six months I’ll be thirty and finally fucking free of my twenties and it’s got to get better, right? because i’ve been trying and putting in the work to get better and be better. and the last ten years have been such a constant challenge and now i have to turn 30 without my Dad. how can i be excited to move on to the next part of my life, the part that I thought was going to be progress and movement and finally finding the light at the end of a very long tunnel. it’s such a fucking joke like. am i just not supposed to be happy in this lifetime? is that it? i exist to keep the peace and slog through and enjoy nothing but moments and things and never find contentment? i’ll do it but it’s so fucking ridiculous any time i ever start feeling like maybe there’s a chance for me, maybe i can do it, other people get to be happy, get to be content, get to be someone or make something of their lives i am proven wrong.

my journals have years worth of entries that end with the determination to be hopeful that slowly achingly slowly morphed into the decision to believe rather than just hope. and i just don’t see the point any more when all it ever gets me is a new hole to dig myself out of

i don’t know what im doing with my life. i never have. and now it’s like life is just doing away with me because i couldn’t figure it out in time. just gonna shuffle me away into the corner somewhere to let me gather dust like a forgotten project. Even if I do somehow figure out now it’s always going to be a little bitter

#just some diary posting

[rivetgoth]

med student person again (sorry for anon tumblr has logged me out and ive forgotten my email lol) but honestly yes exactly everything you said like... i think a lot of the "water is wet" ("bodily autonomy improves wellbeing") studies r super valuable, but to the extent of like "listen to people about what they want within the world of informed consent" tbh if you ever did write anything on gender/sex/transition etc. i'd be super interested in reading it i think it would be really valuable

It's no worries about anon but also thank you!! Yeah I 100% agree with what you're saying here and I appreciate your insight from inside the medical world too honestly. Tysmmm I have been very heavily considering writing something but currently haven't done anything but written out a bit of semi-directionless rambling with the hopes of maybe someday possibly making something somewhat structured re: my opinions and experiences with transness and sex and gender and all that hahaha... 🥺🖤