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chinxino5-blog · 6 years

Text

tw i guess: mental illness

my sisters 21st is on saturday and i dont knwo what to fucking get her, my friends is on thursday and i still have no clue what to fucking get her; i accepted a gift from a friend i probably shouldnt have because it was too much and im sick of having fucking major mood drops

im complaining so much on here about how shit i feel and ive got some pathetic fuckin mood disorder which probs isnt even a thing. ive been feeling good for the whole month and woopdefuckingdoo i have school in eight days, im exhausted, im behind on all my fics and requests, i am so fucking tired and i feel like shit. it comes out of nowhere and it doesnt stay away for long. its going to fucking ruin me this year because it takes away my motivation to do literally everything so i wont be able to fucking study - i tell myself all this shit and fuck myself because if i didnt think about it so much it probably wouldnt even be a fucking thing. this is all just my shitty childish imagination and i use it as an excuse over and over again for everything, im so fucking sick of it but what the fuck do i even do?

and i say all this shit and my friends send me messages wanting to talk about things and its real sweet n shit but i just feel like ive been throwing a fucking pity party for the past two years its honestly pathetic. but if its not real why does it always reappear once a month, twice a month, for three fucking weeks, and just vanish again like everythings fine and i’ve never been better. i feel like i have cramps. i feel like i cant breathe. my backs sore, my heads sore, everything feels painful whether its in my head or not and i just dont know what to fucking do with myself anymore

im so scared of this year. im so fucking scared. because im gonna be crying most nights and i wont get my shit done, im probs gonna end up not fucking writing because “schools a priority, get your atar” and fuck man i dont want to stop writing its the only thing that really gets me excited anymore

i dont know how to find balance with anything.

mum wasted a gym membership on me because i havent gone all month. im not gonna end up going this year because im stressed. i went running twice and cant get myself fucking up to do it again even though i promised myself i would. i said id do an hour a day of writing and i do fucking nothing. i promised requests and where the fuck are they, dont ask me. i get shitty, and jealous of other creators, and aggressive towards my friends when they make the slightest mistakes. my humour is cruel and contradictory to what i stand for and im the biggest fucking sore loser. im not a fun person and i just want to ignore all the people i know because its a waste of fucking time and i should be writing or exercising or fucking studying because that shits not important im so tired

im fucking sorry. i dont like talking to people. i hate messaging people myself but i love to talk to the people who message me. im bad at showing appreciation. i never tell anyone im feeling like shit but i always tell them to tell me when they do. and if people message me about this lets be honest im just gonna tell them im fine because i am. im wealthy. im safe. im educated. im not in danger. im not unhealthy. im just fucking crying all the fucking time and i dont want to talk about anything yet i can spill it all on tumblr when i have followers who probs dont want to hear my fucking. pity party.

to my followers: im sorry to disappoint. i dont have an upload schedule, its always late. i promise to do things and they take weeks until they’re done. i take months between finish requests and go on and on about fics that i wont be able to touch for months and by then who fucking knows i might not even be writing at all. im a really shitty person behind this blog and im so sorry you have to put up with me in order to get the fics i promised. im sorry you have to read this bullshit because i dont have anything else to fucking post. im sorry i never talk on the discord because my humour probably makes people uncomfortable and i dont feel important at all, even when the love i receive is priceless and treasure and i take it all for fucking granted. im really fucking sorry.

i want to try be better this year but im always telling myself its not gonna happen. new years resolutions fuckin arent even hard i dont give myself big goals and i cant even achieve the smallest ones. the only one i am probs gonna achieve is be more of a “bitch” and pull people up on the offensive shit they say but everytime i pull my friends up when they say “autistic” or “f/ggot” or “retard” as insults they roll their eyes and i can just see that they’re sick of me being a party pooper and they’re sick of having to fucking add me to the invite because ive been a part of the group for years and had i not been best friends with hannah they’d probs just “forget to put me in” because fuck it man i only ruin the fucking mood

jc. im trying to be stronger for certain people who are struggling but idk man i cant even be strong for myself what am i gonna do when im overdramatic and crying and cant actually help them out when they’re calling. ive become a sort of reliable person to help when people have a tough time or are struggling and thats just fucking gone now because what the fuck dude i cant even listent o my own advice why should other people.

no one has to actually listen to this, or message me, or do anything about anything. im fuckin crying and somethings in my eye and it fucking hurts god damn it, i cant get it out and wow what a pathetic fucking metaphor.

im gonna keep trying to get it out. fuck. sorry. i’ll try get something done with cute in the next few days. im sorry to waste your time guys

#tw #depressing shit i guess #a pity party: featuring grace #fuck

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