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binary-colour · 5 years

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Falsettos UK time

So I just went to see the UK production of Falsettos last night and kind of wanted to word vomit all my thoughts and key parts of it onto a post so that I can preserve the amazingness in my mind for as long as possible.

Basically, I’ve been obsessed with this show for a while now and it lived up to every expectation possible. The cast were incredible, the singing was outstanding and my mum sobbed solidly through the second act.

FYI - we had the male cover Matthew McKenna as Whizzer (I was a bit worried at first but he was incredible)

This is v v long so read at own risk ig. Also, spoilers!

Four Jews was portraying Jason’s birth (like, the ‘slavery’ was Trina going into labour). It worked really well actually, especially for people who had no idea what the show was about (ie 90% of the audience lmao) It was also Trina in it more than Jason, but there was this hilarious bit when they did the ‘I’m Mendel!’ etc. section and Trina went ‘I’m-‘ and got cut off Also Whizzer piggybacked Jason, my heart

Tight Knit Family - as you’d expect I guess, Daniel’s voice was 👌 Also Marvin did ‘friend’ in airquotes and Whizzer did this mega eye roll lmao

Love is Blind - I guess there wasn’t much else different, just that they all stood in the photo frames when Trina sung about them which was a v nice touch ¯\_(ツ)_/

Thrill of First Love - Whizzer was,, a lot more argumentative than I expected I guess? Like, almost a bit aggressive? But overall it was great, they were so snarky and less sexual than the revival (which my asexual ass didn’t mind) apart from one reaaaach. They also had v good chemistry to say it wasn’t Oliver performing.

Marvin At The Psychiatrist - the staging was pretty similar to revival. Whizzer was watching from the top and he made all these offended faces when Marvin and Mendel were talking about him (when they said he was ‘smarmy’ he did this Offended Gay expression it was great). Then Trina started unbuttoning her shirt in Pt. 2 and Mendel got really flustered, it was wild. Everyone was dying from laughter. Also, ‘it’s queer Mr Marvin… sorry, it’s strange Mr Marvin’ deserves its own shoutout

My Father’s A Homo/Everyone Tells Jason to See A Psychiatrist - Elliot is a star, what more can I say. His voice is soo good as well. When Whizzer arrived Trina and him did this 😒 face at each other.

I’m Breaking Down - I thought no-one could come close to Stephanie’s iconic performance in the revival, but Laura rocked it. She was setting the table for Mendel coming, and it had this mega chaotic energy where she threw the bananas around and screamed ‘shIT’ when they fell onto the floor. For the ‘fulfill his needs’ bit she really aggressively ripped the top of the banana off and peeled it lmao. Also, she was drinking from the wine bottle for one of the choruses and humming, it was amazing.

Jason’s Therapy - Jason was definitely the most mature one in this scene haha. After Mendel did his first dance sequence, Jason just put a hand on his shoulder to stop him and sighed before he said the ‘is this therapy?’ bit. Marvin and Trina sat drinking at the side of the stage the whole time lmao. When it was the second ‘is this therapy?’ line, they both held up their glasses for the ‘yES!’. Also, for the final bit Marvin, Trina and Whizzer all came on singing into glasses and slapping their legs with plates lmao.

Marriage proposal - I saw a few people saying that this was a bit ~creepy~ rather than cute, and I guess I see what they mean? But they didn’t do the weird vampire wrist grab like the revival, so I guess that’s a plus. Trina was very confused the whole time, bless her, and for the ‘start to cry’ she was like ‘I’m not??’ and then Mendel starting blubbering. Plus, Jason sang the ‘biblical times?’ first one rather than Trina, and Marvin did this Super Sassy ‘bIbLiCaL tImEs’ that was hilarious.

Trina’s Song/March of the Falsettos - This was staged as a nightmare sequence, which brought some sense to the madness of MoTF. Like, when she woke up she continued with the song, it worked really well. I also really liked that they reenacted the wedding scene from 4 Jews as part of it, it really showed Trina’s fear that something bad would happen again.

The Chess Game - Wow, this was... intense. Whizzer was super snarky, so Marvin got mad at him pretty quickly. It was so funny though, especially when it was Whizzer saying the ‘move a pawn’ bit and he sat in his chair like Marvin and acted all stern. Marvin was drinking solidly, so when Whizzer ‘won’ and knocked over a ton of pieces he lobbed the board off stage and hit a few things. Whizzer backed off pretty quick looking scared and Marvin was apologetic until the ‘Whizzer’s supposed to make the dinner’ bit, when he got Whizzer’s suitcase and packed it for him on stage before throwing it at him. Also, the ‘this had better come to a stop’ was targeted at the liquor bottle.

Making a home – Mendel came on with only a house plant and it got kicked out of the house anyway lmao I relate. The dog bit Jason’s chessboard rip.

The Games I Play – this was performed so well my mum almost cried. It was much softer than any other version I’ve heard and more… spoken? But the notes at the end were belted and spot on, but he still had the slight tremor like he was tearing up. Your heart really went out for Whizzer, especially as the Motel projected on the screens on his side were mirrored by the homely ones on the other.

Marvin Hits Trina – Marvin didn’t tear up the invitation but he did hit a lot of stuff. Mendel also seemed a lot less angry at him when Marvin first came in then the revival – I guess Marvin was somewhat drunk in this. He also looked MAD at Whizzer whenever he sang his bits, apart from when Whizzer chokes up a bit when he says he doesn’t love him, and you see Marvin falter a bit then before he shouts at everyone. The lights went red when he hit Trina, which really added to the effect (although they were a bit late whoops)

I Never Wanted to Love You – Jason was crying and hugging Trina after Marvin hit her, and Mendel came and surrounded them in this big ~protective dad~ way. Marvin looked genuinely sorry as well, which was nice I guess.

Father to Son – The staging of this was really simple – they were just sat on the floor centre stage face-to-face. But it was so heartfelt, and Marvin looked like he was going to cry for most of it. And at first, Jason was a bit hesitant to hug him after what happened before, but you could see how relieved Marvin was when he did.

Falsettoland – Mendel pointed at the audience for the ‘homosexuals’ and ‘mother with children’ lmao. The tiny band was the wedding ring too. Whizzer was introduced back on with ‘homosexual’ and he did this offended ‘really’ gesture it was great. No Nancy Reagan punchbag unfortunately, but the lesbians came on holding signs saying Love Is Love <3. Marvin and Trina seemed a lot more friendly in this too, which was a nice touch!

Year of the Child – Mendel was Too Scared to really disrupt the arguments haha. Trina was fierce, Marvin suggested the caterers really sheepishly and she basically bit his head off it was hilarious. And when the lesbians arrived with the food, she literally said off-mic ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ to Marvin. At the end, Jason ran off because they were all too ~excited~ and the last part of the song was spent looking for him lmao.

Miracle of Judaism – ‘Jo… what’s the name of that bitch?’ im dead

Baseball Game – Jason had a pretty good swing before Whizzer even arrived to be honest. The lesbians fully got up and yelled at the umpire it was great. Mendel got up to sing his bit, and Marvin and Trina just sort of led him to sit back down and apologised offstage. Whizzer kept teasing Marvin back about the hairline comments, and Marvin just mournfully rubbed his head like ‘I know.’ It was hilarious.

A Day in Falsettoland – Charlotte and Cordelia were the patients and they were both amazing. Mendel wasn’t even sorry about the name. Charlotte literally spat the food back onto Cordelia’s plate, she didn’t even hide it lmao. ‘Maybe in a mile I’ll be okay.’ ‘a mILE?’ Same Mendel. Also, Trina runs with weights? Raquetball worked really well to say there was such little space on stage. It was nice to see the softer side to Marvin and Whizzer’s relationship, the occasional kisses throughout the game.

Everyone Hates His Parents – it was pretty similar to the revival, except Mendel and Jason both did a mega cartwheel?! I was shocked, it was perfect. Also, Trina cried ‘you’re killing me!’ to Jason after he said he didn’t want the bar mitzvah, which made the ‘kill you mother’ verse a bit more understandable lmao. Also, Trina kept giving Marvin these ‘seriously?’ looks during that whole song.

What More Can I Say - this was so sweet, so Domestic. Marvin was like this happy puppy. Whizzer basically fell asleep reading, and Marvin was taking his glasses off and putting the book aside, it was v sweet

Something Bad is Happening - lovely singing from the lesbians, extra runs! They were So Good together. When Whizzer collapsed (it was a proper keel over too), Marvin lifted his head and shoulders into lap and sang it straight to him. It was v sweet and sad, Whizzer was crying and apologising to him :’(

Holding to the Ground - this is such a beautiful song, and Laura sounded incredible. They were setting up the set behind her, but there were sirens and a heart monitor came on when they helped Whizzer into the hospital bed.

Days like this - Marvin brought this awful cheesy card, and Whizzer just held it up to the audience like ‘what’. But he kept reading the on Trina and Mendel brought and showing it to Marvin. The Whizzer/Trina solidarity was v sweet, he kissed her cheek and things when they arrived.

Cancelling the Bar Mitzvah - Jason started properly crying into Trina who cried as well. It was so raw and emotional, you really felt their fear for what is happening. My only qualm was that they cut part out?? It’s one of my favourite lines, when Mendel sings the ‘becoming a man’ bit :s

Four Unlikely Lovers - now this was heartbreaking. Marvin went and cried at the end of the hospital bed at the beginning, and he sobbed at Whizzer’s ‘our bed’. They were really sweet though, always kissing foreheads or holding hands and things - I don’t think they let go all song. Cordelia and Charlotte also came in holding hands <3

Side note! Whizzer seemed in a lot more pain in this!! Which made me really sad

Something Bad (reprise) - Jason was watching Charlotte sing it instead of Marvin, I guess it was almost like her preparing him for what was going to happen to his Dad too?!

You Gotta Die Sometime - this was sooo well sung, it was pretty soft and then he started breaking down at end instead of belting the note :’’( Until Jason came in and he was like ‘um where’s your parents??’

Jason’s Bar Mitzvah - it had such a nice tight-knit ( ;) ) feeling to it which was really bittersweet. Mendel came in hiding balloons v unsuccessfully behind his back. The took the photo again, which was great (although not bitter they didn’t use the camera effect in that for the line in Everyone Tells Jason to See A Psychiatrist or anything). When Jason sung the prayer, he waved away the book and stood on table v proud. Then Jason sort of beckoned Whizzer over, which made him collapse onto the floor and Jason was taken off screaming for him. It was heartbreaking.

What Would I Do - the one that finally broke me. It was so so sad, Whizzer was still alive collapsed in bed so they sung it to each other and held held hands until he flatlined at end. On stage. My God.

At the end, the rest of the family all crowded around the bed and surrounded Marvin (who was properly sobbing). Mendel blew the candle that had been lit for the Bar Mitzvah out, and the photo they took came up on screen.

So, conclusion, see this show NOW before it ends its ridiculously short run. Honestly. You won’t regret a penny.

#will probably delete later #please excuse the cringy writing of this and the probable bad grammar #it's very late and i'm very very tires #*tired #*sigh*#falsettos #falsettos uk #west end #musical #musicals

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amassingeffect · 6 years

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Ficlet Prompt Friday - Popcorn - mReyder

@trajektoria asked for: Reyes and SAM plotting something together behind Scott's back?

Reyes and SAM plot with a little help from someone who’s done this before.

Warnings: post-Meridian

Reyes didn’t think it would be this hard. He was used to being able to source pretty much any and everything. It was Kadara Port after all, everything could be bought for a price.

Anything except this one thing.

All his sources, all his contacts came up with nothing. It was mystifying. If he could get a cat, why were dogs so hard to find? He still remembered Scott talking about the dog he had back on Earth, the one he had to rehome before journeying to Andromeda.

He knew the Tempest had just docked, it was hard to miss that distinctive black, white and red ship. Scott had been gracious enough to give him a connection to SAM. How he swung that, Reyes didn’t know, but he accepted it and kept his mouth shut about it. But it was certainly useful now. If he knew Scott, he had about thirty minutes before he came to Tartarus.

“SAM, if I could ask you something?”

“Of course Mr Vidal?” SAM’s measured tone was crystal clear.

“How are dogs impossible to find?”

“The canid DNA banks are still in cryo storage.”

“Cats aren’t.”

“The felidae DNA banks were illegally accessed by a tech and felis silvestris catus were propagated before the action was caught.”

Reyes had no doubt someone caught a ton of shit for that. But it did tell him that if someone had done it once, another person could do it again. And given how things had settled down a bit after that madcap battle with the Archon on Meridian…

“How would one go about getting a dog then?”

“Species propagation paperwork should be filed with the DNA bank director as well as Directors Tann and Addison to ensure that proper care is taken with the introduction with a new species to the Heleus cluster.”

“SAM, that is not what I wanted to hear. What I want to know is what it would take to get a dog for Scott.”

“The Pathfinder’s clearance would expedite the process. Shall I—”

“No,” Reyes wanted to shake his head. “I don’t want the Pathfinder to know. Surely there are other avenues to pursue to see this done.”

There was a prolonged silence from SAM and then, “As the Pathfinder is outside your door, this is a conversation we shall continue at a later time Mr Vidal.”

“Wait—”

That was all Reyes got out before the door slid open and Scott stalked in. He flopped down on the seat and snatched up Reyes’ glass of whiskey to drain it in one gulp. Then he filled it up again and sagged back into the seat.

“One of these days, I’m gonna shoot Tann. Do know what he actually said to Morda’s face? I don’t like her, but I damn near let her fight him.”

Even Reyes had to admit, when Scott told him, his eyebrows rose. Tann was definitely an idiot and if he could pull this off somehow. If anything, he would go to the Nexus himself to give Scott the dog in front of Tann.

The first part was easy, he didn’t really need a particular breed of dog. Scott had said he adopted his dog from the pound and it was as much a mutt as a mutt could be. SAM was suspiciously quiet until one day, in the middle of a firefight with Roekaar, SAM piped up.

“Are you busy at the moment, Mr Vidal?”

“A bit,” he returned fire, catching a sharpshooter that was trying to reach the high ground. “What is it?”

“Connecting you to Sidera Nyx. One moment.”

What the hell, was this SAM’s idea of a joke? Seriously, this fight was nowhere close to wrapping up and—

“Hello?” a flanging turian voice came on. A young sounding one. “I was told you’re looking to get a dog and— Is that gunfire?”

“Yes, SAM has terrible timing,” Reyes grunted as he lobbed a grenade and ducked back behind cover. “But I am indeed looking for a dog.”

“Hm, I can’t do it. I got into so much trouble with the cats and…” Sidera paused as the grenade went off with a loud boom and yells and screams following after the split-second of silence. “But I can put you in touch with someone in the DNA bank. Who exactly is this?”

“SAM can get me in touch with the person— One moment.” Reyes dashed to new cover, firing bullets at a Roekaar attempting to set up a turret. The invasion program he fired at it worked quick and the turret identified the enemies and opened fire. “SAM can contact me when the person wants to talk.”

“Oh no no no,” Reyes could practically see Sidera shake her head. “That’s not how this goes. No name, no contact. Take it or leave it.”

Of course it was. “Reyes Vidal, a pleasure to talk to you Miss Nyx. Are you perhaps related to Vetra?”

“She’s my sister!” Sidera sounded delighted now. “And I know all about you Mr Vidal. No worries, I’ll see about that contact for you, if this is for who I think it is,” there was a moment of swearing from Sidera and then, “Gotta go!” before the line cut out.

At least now Reyes could focus his attention on the fight. Once the last Roekaar was dead, and they were sweeping through the bodies and base for info, Reyes managed to slip away to a quiet spot. However, SAM did beat him to the punch.

“I apologize for the hasty connection Mr Vidal. She was quite insistent on speaking the person wishing to procure a dog.”

“It couldn’t have been at any other time?”

“No. I was only able to secure the connection for that small window. Her activities are monitored ever since the ‘feline episode’.”

Reyes barely smothered a snicker at the delicate tone SAM used. “Understandable then. Are there any other problems you foresee?”

“Only one. While species propagation and the DNA banks fall under the purview of Tann, Addison and the DNA bank director, the recently formed Andromeda Council takes great interest in what is revived from the DNA bank. We may have to field a representative with questions.”

“Direct them to me and I’ll handle it.” Reyes said. “Pretty sure we can pull this off.”

In all honesty, Reyes expected to be dealing with Tann or Addison when the call came through. SAM sounded very urgent when he finally called Reyes.

“I have the krogan Council member insisting on speaking to Pathfinder Ryder about the revival of canids from the DNA bank,” SAM paused for a moment. “They are not pleased.”

Thank god Reyes was at home when this came through. And at least SAM gave him some warning this time. But damn, Sidera worked fast. She hadn’t even gotten in a return call.

“All right, put her through SAM.”

“Acknowledged. Ryder and Morda have an acrimonous and tense relationship. I will be masking your speech with the Pathfinder’s. Please endeavour to approximate Ryder’s speech patterns as best as possible. Connecting you now.”

It was just a few moments and then, “What the hell are you playing at Ryder, wasting resources on pets?”

“It’s called diversification of resources,” Reyes snapped. “Did we plan for cats? No, but they’re helping with morale where they are and some people are training them to hunt small game. Dogs can be used in the same capacity and to assist in hunting as well as guarding. Be glad it was dogs I approved because geese are far worse. Now I’ve put in the approval, so quit wasting my time when I have better things to do.”

“Pathfinder Ryder,” Morda sounded like she was in full bluster.

“It’s approved and I’m done here.”

Reyes disconnected the call as he heard an angry growl. After a moment, he sighed and rubbed at his forehead. “How much worse did I just make things for Scott?”

“Scott usually is sarcastic with Morda unless he has reached a point that he refers to as ‘done’. Given their recent interactions, Scott is officially on the verge of ‘done’. Morda should suspect nothing.” There was a moment of silence and then, “Sidera Nyx is requesting an immediate call.”

“Patch her through.” Reyes waited until he heard the soft beep of a connection. “I understand you wanted to talk to me?”

“Man, you work fast. My contact in the DNA bank wants to know what kind of dog you want. She wants to get it started and some out before they try to shut her down.”

“Give me a mutt.” Reyes said.

“I know, but what kind?” Sidera asked again.

Nothing like a translator to take some things literally. “Just a mixed breed dog. When you look at the dog, you can’t quite tell exactly what breed. You can guess some, but don’t really know.”

“Okay,” Sidera sounded hesitant. “Can you arrange to smuggle it off the Nexus?”

“I shall do you one better: I’ll be there in person to pick it up.”

“Oh,” Sidera said with a knowing thrum in her voice. “All right then. I gotta go now. I can hear Morda stomping into Tann’s office, so gonna get this going. Call you later, bye!”

“Kids.” Reyes chuckles as the line went dead. “SAM, if they get this started today, how soon until we have dogs?”

“Approximately two weeks. Once the process is started, it’s inadvisable to halt it. While yours is first in the queue, I do see some requests for dogs now too.”

“How many exactly?”

“418 and increasing.”

Reyes couldn’t help but smile. That wasn’t precisely a number to shrug at. And if they tried to cancel it, it would be like the cats all over again.

“SAM, is there perhaps an urgent reason for the Tempest to come to Kadara?”

“You have given me numerous reports of increased Roekaar presence and there have been rumours of kett presence. I shall bring it to the Pathfinder’s attention.”

“Since you mention it,” Reyes pulled up his omni-tool. “I just sent you some copies of reports I wrote up on the last few Collective missions I ran where we encountered Roekaar. Does help to have something backing you up. Embroider where you need to.”

“Acknowledged. Can I assist you with anything else today, Mr Vidal?”

Reyes laughed. “I think I should be asking you that. But no. And thank you SAM.”

“You are welcome, Mr Vidal.”

“You can call me Reyes, you know.”

“I know Mr Vidal.”

That was the last thing SAM said and Reyes felt fairly sure the AI was pulling his leg.

Scott was really damned confused now. They’d spent the past two weeks on Kadara weeding our Roekaar hideouts. They were winning points in Evfra and Keema’s books, which was never a bad thing. But he’d had some words with Morda before coming to Kadara that left him more puzzled and pissed because what the hell was she going on about him lording it up and making such massive and arbitrary decisions.

Once they were done, Reyes announced he’d come back with him to the Nexus. That alone left Scott wondering because Reyes had also once said he’d be damned if he set foot on Tann’s little kingdom again.

All Reyes had done was shrug and say, “There’s a Council now, right? So they’ll bicker about what to do with me and I’ll be gone by the time they decide.”

Then he’d smiled and winked as he strolled onto the Tempest and Scott felt like he really missed something massive. Not that Reyes said a damn thing about whatever it was.

“I feel you,” Vetra had commiserated with him one night in the galley over dinner. “Sid’s up to something but damned if I can figure out what. I just hope it doesn’t involved another trap.”

“Hell, I’d take a trap. I have no idea what Reyes is up to.”

Setting foot on the Nexus… he was desperately confused. Everyone was so damned nice, high fives, grins and waves and shouts of ‘Thank you!’ He had zero damn idea what he supposedly did. Reyes seemed entirely unruffled by it all and Scott finally narrowed his eyes in suspicion as they walked along.

“This have anything to do with you?”

“Me? I’ve been with you on Kadara this entire time.”

“That doesn’t sound like a denial.” Scott pointed out.

“I think we should get to your apartment.” Reyes just smiled and kept on walking.

“What did you do?” Scott hurried after him. “Reyes!”

All Reyes did was turn and wink at him, a wide smile on his face. Scott followed after him, the door to his apartment on the Nexus closing silently behind them. There was Sidera half vanished behind his couch, talking to something.

“C’mon you little cutie, they’ll be here any moment.”

“Or they already are.” Reyes chuckled.

Sidera yelped, jumping up and knocking the couch out, something furry and wriggling in her arms. Scott looked around, eyes settling on a carrier and his heart leapt into his throat.

“Reyes,” he asked weakly. “What kind of cat did you get me?”

“It’s better than a cat.” Reyes’ smile softened as he tilted his head to Sidera.

Scott looked over as she came over and he could see floppy ears, paws everywhere and a tail wagging a mile of minute. Sidera was laughing as she was vigourously sniffed and then she deposited the wriggling bundle in his arms.

“You’re welcome Pathfinder.”

Scott could barely see through his now blurry vision. He blinked, seeing golden fur splotched with black with clear blue eyes looking up at him. Then big paws were scrabbling at him as his face was licked.

“You got me a puppy?!” he managed to ask, holding the animal tighter.

“First one in Andromeda.” Sidera grinned as she headed for the door. “I’ll just go now and can one of you please tell Vetra that it was a good thing I did.”

All Scott could do was nod as he held the excited puppy in his arms and looked at Reyes. Once the door was shut, he was walking over.

“You are impossible, you know that,” Scott hauled him in for a teary kiss. “How the hell did you pull this off? Is this why everyone suddenly loves me again, because you somehow got us dogs?”

Reyes shrugged, suddenly looking sheepish. “I wanted to get you a dog. Everyone else is a happy byproduct. I’m very much willing to be the unsung hero here.”

“Is this why Morda was so pissy with me?”

“I had words with her.”

“You’re my damn hero,” Scott kissed him again only to have the puppy break it up. “We have to name him.”

“That’s entirely your honour.”

“Popcorn II,” Scott didn’t even have to think about it. “In honour of the long passed Popcorn, back on Earth.”

“The first dog ever in Andromeda is named Popcorn.” Reyes looked like he was trying to not laugh. “I do like the lack of gravitas.”

“And you got everything for him too!” Scott could see a dog bed, a leash and feeding bowls. He set down Popcorn to let him run about.

“Mr Vidal wanted you to have as little to worry about as possible initially.” SAM’s smooth voice interrupted.

“SAM’s lying, that’s all them. I worried more about the logistics of getting the dog.” Reyes stepped in close, wiping the tears away on Scott’s cheeks. “Please tell me you don’t want a horse. I have no idea where to even put one.”

Scott sputtered with laughter. “No horses. Popcorn is more than enough. We’re in another galaxy and you got me a dog. Never let anyone tell you that you’re not incredible.”

Now Reyes was quiet, a blush coming to his face. “Anything you want, Scott.”

“This. It’s more than enough,” Scott took his hand, giving it a quick squeeze. “C’mon, let’s take Popcorn for his first walk.”

#mass effect #mass effect: andromeda #ficlet prompt friday #mryder #reyes #reyes vidal #mreyder #fanfic #writing #trajektoria

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gaudeixcc · 6 years

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Peleton News – Confessions (G18 Tour special – April 2018)

This year’s tour was a little fractured to start with.

JT, my honorable (although diminutive) co-chair has been living in Munich for some time, so has reluctantly lobbed all administrative tasks my way. He still of course has a pointy figure hovering over the keyboard most hours of the day to fire off a bullet-like reminder should any delegated task fall in to the overdue category.

My approach this year had been to further convolute the whole process by sub-delegating further down the value chain. This year RTA picked up route-planning duties, shouldering the full burden once Moley had thrown the metaphoric towel into the Gaudeix corner.

JT arrived the night before to settle into Hotel Mariposa and to busy himself ready for our arrival next morning, where, his welcoming party preparation of sundry nibbles, iced towels, freshly pressed mango juice and 6 flutes of chilled Champaign could be seen exactly nowhere.

Quietly bikes were built and readied.

I don’t with to appear overly-critical at this early stage, however I feel it is important to highlight areas where improvement could be made.

My first area of improvement relates to a mathematical ratio.

13.2 is an acceptable ratio.

60 is a completely unacceptable ratio.

Back in the day when I rode motorcycles for my thrill-seeking pleasure, the most expensive item of an accessory nature was the helmet. An oft quoted saying was ‘If you’ve got a £10 head, get a £10 helmet’.

I valued my head at considerable more than £10 and hence why I could be seen peacocking about the place in the latest stealth MotoGP inspired bonce-protecting loveliness from Arai, makers of the very best.

And the same is true of bikes and their bags.

If you’ve got a ratty old Trek which you equally be happy to see as landfill as opposed to nestled between your legs, then by all means bag it with a carrier from Tesco.

If on the other hand you have a carbonfibre creation, with composite wheels, electronic shifting and less weight than a fat sparrow, then for fucks sake, buy a proper bag.

Is there a correlation between 2 visits to a bike shop for fixing 2 bikes hurled into fifty quid bags?

Answers on a postcard…

Next year we are going to be introducing the video referee to dish out ‘after the event’ fines and tickets to offences against cycling such as this little atrocity.

Anyway, peleton delayers aside, we had quite a good tour from a reliability perspective.

No flats at all in 3 days of riding.

Not bad going considering the excess baggage about 50% of the peloton where wheeling about the place.

It can be a harsh life travelling with a pack of cyclists. As a group, we are generally slow to acknowledge quality but lightening-fast to highlight weakness.

This year’s theme was most definitely fatness.

It all started when Dripping decided to relax on day one and let his guard down.

The relief a fat Victorian lady must feel when at the end of a day grazing on mutton, savory puddings and broiled swan, she releases the strings on her corset, was probably how Dripping felt as he gently supped an ale whilst not ‘tensed’ or ‘sucking it in for dear life’ sitting quietly in the sun.

It was harsh and cruel for Mac to take a picture of Dripping at rest in such an unguarded state. The resulting snap caused almost immediate physiological damage, which was then added to by verbal slappery of the worst kind from almost all.

Macca’s boobs got a much lower level of attention than would otherwise have been.

But the real crime in the whole torrid ‘fatgate’ affair, was a quietly outed photo from Colchester Mac which showed what looked like a Michelin Man ballooned around a struggling Cannondale, legs bouncing hard off an impressive midriff as the owner snuffled and puffed his sorry arse up a hill.

That night James in a moment of shocking and completely unexpected kindness said to me ‘You’ve put on a bit of timber this year’…..

It’s about as nice as he’s ever been to me in the 15 years of friendship we have shared.

Ever.

Meanwhile, back in the Peloton, Whatsapp was on fire as fat Michelin man took a breather from cycling, sat down, drank a beer, guzzled food and then promptly took a micro-nap to allow his body to digest this latest onslaught of calories.

The peloton…. They can be mighty cruel to those built for comfort.

Anyway…let’s move on. Let’s talk compliments….

‘Love the tattoos’

‘You’re girlfriend is very pretty. The plastic she has had inserted in the chest area is both proportionally perfect and pleasing to the eye’

‘Nice denim’

‘Wow.. impressive steed’.

All of the above are probably good ways to make a hells angel feel special.

Alternatively, you could surprise the life out of him by slapping him on the arse as you cycle past at 15 mph…. showing shock and dismay on your face and general surprise that he hadn’t apparently heard your tinckly bike-bell.

I arrived at a stationary Peloton to find Macca being verbally abused by a very angry biker who was busy calling us all arseholes……. I mean he was right…. Must have been a lucky guess.

This was another visible demonstration of Macca’s intolerance to a good swathe of human kind.

On the flight out, Moley’s seat on the plane had been taken by a Turkish lady of more senior years and built like I will be if I don’t stop eating constantly.

She was resting up from the exertion of having had to climb the stairs at the rear of the bus and drag her cabin bag the 6 yards to her seat. The bag was then occupying Macca’s seat whilst she appeared to be cuddling it.

This was clearly a cue for some helpful soul to then lift it into one of the overhead lockers and help her out.

Macca, ignoring this cue like the plague, barked at her. He informed the startled greek lady that he owned the seat, not her bag, and would she kindly get a shift on and move it.

The plane went awkwardly quiet.

Trembling, the lady dressed in black wobbled to her feet and with oscilating bingo wings hoisted the bag upward. There was a moment or 2 when none of us could be sure the bag was going to make it. Like an Olympic weightlifter going for a PB, there was a pause, a grunt and then a final push… the bag was in.

Macca looked on in bland indifference.

She sat down, glazed with a sheen of garlic and thyme perspiration.

I think secretly Macca was hoping for an engine issue, a wayward turbofan blade and the exiting of the Greek weightlifter from the above-wing window seat.

He fumed quietly for most of the flight.

I suppose I should at some point talk about the cycling.

As with all these tours there is a lot to cover. But, as with most years, I generally can’t be arsed doing so and instead revert to the well-established highlights list.

So, here goes for G18, Malaga;

• Dripping confessing to having voted tactically in previous tours when it came to the yellow cap. Berlusconi-esque in its political nefariousness • C&N orange camo base layer • Mrs RTA’s contribution to the tour…. Can’t name it for legal reasons, but it went down exceptionally well • RTA’s ghost-like completion on date realisation • General higher standard of dress quality (although I still feel the shame and hurt from the explicit savaging I got from Dripping on the yellow cap voting paper… he went into enough detail to require and appendix FFS…) • Damo’s use of the back pen on photos • Whilst he did fuck all in his season of pink, Damo did at least sort out everyone elses mechanical catastrafucks whilst on tour • RTA’s route planning. Magestic. Simply nailed it to the floor. The pink was going one way only after 3 days of beautiful scenery • I hate losing. I especially hate losing to Dripping. I especially especially hate losing to Dripping twice. First time I made an error of timing. After having nearly lost a lung hunting down my prey I should have tailed his sorry ass for half a K before nailing the finish. I didn’t and paid heavily. Day 3’s mechanical was akin to running out of petrol 50 yards short of the finish line. I was running in the red and Drip snuck in and nicked my lunch. Absolute bastard. • Col Mac’s ‘Spam’ top • Macca’s deep-seated suspicion of foreign restaurants… he had me convinced that the preparers of our final meal where going to triple the bill, hack our phones, empty our accounts, spit in our food and quite possibly steal our children. What they actually ended up doing was serving us food which was simply sensational and probably the best meal I’ve eaten in the last 12 months, and then go on to charge us very modestly for it too. • Strange fact number 1. Everything edible in Malaga is cooked in beef fat. • Strange fact number 2. There is nothing wrong with 7 over 40 year olds drinking pink gin with berries in the glass. Completely hetrosexual and in keeping with the modern men we are. (On reflection, I think Colchester Mac way have swerved the gin actually) • If I have to hear one more bloody time about how good wahoo is…… you didn’t invent the fucking thing for the love of sweet baby Jesus… • Shit Garmins • The descent on day 3…on day one going up it I nearly died…. On day 3 coming down I could have cried…. Probably the best descent this peloton has tasted. • This year’s tour caps…. Top quality. • A vintage year that saw our first triple-cap…. ! Yes, my (well deserved) orange nailed a hat trick of caps (although only 2 physical caps probably maketh the point moot). • Desire takes many forms. But few have the strength and longing that have been displayed with the force of a Dripping wanting yellow. He may have ‘bought’ the cap, but god it was worth it to see his little face!! • Murdering 9 oranges to make 1 drink

And finally, whilst we have our highlights list, we also have a lowlights list. This one is my own personal list…. Only 2 entries… and neither of them spotted or witnessed by the Peloton;

1. On unpacking my bike and reassembling, somehow my fat fucking fingers and squinty eyesight have managed to crush the Di2 cable that runs the front mech…. FFS… bike now on turbo in just the little ring…. Horrible humble and apologetic call to Damo/Amy coming shortly. I can actually feel Damo’s eyebrows raise as he reads this…. (and can actually here him say ‘well you’re a fucking idiot aren’t you’…..) 2. Do you know what Raybans hitting tarmac at 20 mph sound like? No? It took me a while to figure it out too…. Well, 10 miles worth of fast riding to be precise…. And then I sulked quietly for 20 mins when I realised that day 2 would be the last time I went our armed with more than one pair of sunnies…… I kepy it quiet because Trusler would have definitely shit himself laughing at that one…..

So there we have it. Drip and Mac need new bike bags if they are to show their cycling faces ever again, Macca needs to take a tolerance pill twice daily, Damo needs to tut in my general direction, JT needs to not mention sunnies to me ever again, Moley needs to get his shit together in readiness for G19 and RTA needs to take a well deserved bow to a round of applause from the Peloton.

Malaga, G18…. Magic.

Hoppo

#PelotonNews

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doctor-sweet-blog · 7 years

Note

also all belle and simba too lbr

BELLE

☾ - sleep headcanon

belle sleeps primarily on her side, curled up all cute-like. she normally sleeps with her hand tucked up under her chin and all snuggled in her blankets, sometimes all you can see is the top of her head. and if she’s really tired--she totally drools. just a lil, enough to be cute and not gross. lol

★ - sad headcanon

i feel like there are?? so many?? after her mom died, her dad forgot her birthday every year. for like...twelve years, to the point where even belle forgot it was her birthday after a while.

☆ - happy headcanon

sometimes, on her dad’s good days, when he would go work in his workshop, he would let belle come in too and he would teach her different little mechanical things or show her his inventions in progress and belle always thought they were the most wonderful things.

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

when belle’s dad left she lowkey destroyed a bunch of his inventions because she was so mad. tbh, belle will definitely throw things when she’s mad enough. it doesn’t happen often but she is not opposed to lobbing a pillow or a book at someone.

✿ - Sex headcanon

obviously, she’s not the most interested in sex (and right now it definitely isn’t a priority rly) but she does appreciate it and i think when she has time (when everything stops being awful forever) she will get v v curious and that will be a #trip

■ - Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

gosh what hcs do i not have about belle’s house? i know i’ve mentioned this one a lot but it’s my favorite: belle’s house is covered in clocks. they’re everywhere. and none of them tell the proper time. they’re all wacked out.

♡ - romantic headcanon

belle’s way of showing romance is like surprisingly more physical than i imagined, but she’s not good at words, so she has to show it with her actions. she likes to touch people, just little touches (and this goes for friends too). once she feels comfortable, it is how belle shows affection bc she really doesn’t like touching strangers/being touched otherwise.

♥ - family headcanon

maurice and charisse met in paris while maurice was fixing one of the big fancy clocks in the opera house. charisse was on her way to practice and a spring got loose and hit her and she was so mad about it she started yelling at maurice but cut herself off halfway because she realized he was fixing a clock and goodness isn’t that fascinating--and she missed her rehearsal because she was just drilling him with questions.

☮ - friendship headcanon

in school there were definitely people who wanted to be her friend, most of belle’s loneliness was self-made because she thought people were pitying her or wanting to be her friend to get into her pants/have her help them with school (both of which were often true.) but she was very good friends with a few of her teachers, and of course, mr. livre, the owner of chapter three.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

humming. belle hums a lot. she used to sing too, when she lived alone. but she hums when she’s reading sometimes, even, without realizing she’s doing it. or hums while she’s making dinner or in the shower or cleaning (which she rarely does lmao)

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

secretly loves trashy romance novels, though she’d never admit to it. she’s not really a fan of autobiographies.

▼ - childhood headcanon

belle used to draw on her bedroom window with dry erase markers. she created these beautiful scenes to entertain herself (she’d like stage whole battles and stuff) because she didn’t have any traditional toys--no dolls or leggos or anything like that. all she really had was her imagination.

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

when belle will be sharp as a whip until the day she dies. she’s that grandma that is still up and moving around at 97 years old, correcting people for their grammar and having philosophical discussions.

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

belle is not the world’s greatest cook. she had to entirely teach herself and while she is excellent at following a recipe, she is almost too good, and never leaves room for interpretation which leaves her food just kind of meh.

☼ - appearance headcanon

belle rarely wears patterns, unless she’s going to an event, and even then she stays away from them--or too-bright of colors. anything that draws the eye. she dresses pretty conservatively too, long to-the-knee skirts at least and blouses buttoned all the way up (she’s a master at safety pinning her shirts so they don’t pop open.)

ൠ - random headcanon

belle knows allllll the kinds of tools like the difference between a philip’s head and a flat head screwdriver; hammers, different kinds of nails, screws, etc etc. because she helped her dad a lot on his inventions.

SIMBA

☾ - sleep headcanon

as a kid, simba was read to every night without fail and then listened to books on tape to fall asleep, or music if all else fails. he got broken of the habit when away for school, but when he has a bad night the easiest way for him to get back to sleep is to listen to someone read him something.

★ - sad headcanon

every time something significant happens in his life (he gets engaged/married, has a kid/dog, gets a new job, moves)--he’s going to cry because he wants so badly to share those things with his dad and he can’t.

☆ - happy headcanon

simba is lowkey like super excited to go through all of kiara’s big milestones with her. he doesn’t really talk about it but he thinks about her graduations and her getting married (and he really hopes she’ll ask him to walk her down the aisle or some equivalent--”give her away” or w/e).

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

when simba gets angry it is almost 100% of the time because someone put someone in danger or was in danger themselves. most of his like true anger is a defense mechanism against fear.

✿ - Sex headcanon

simba is like the most goofy person during sex like 70% percent of the time. he likes to crack jokes or tickle or just do things to make the other person laugh because he’s super comfortable with his body and stuff but he knows other people aren’t so he’s always tried to be like a super relaxed partner and likes to make sex fuN because it should be FUN

■ - Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

when he was a kid, simba was superrrr messy. it got a little better when he was in boarding school bc im sure they had like regular room inspections, but as soon as he hit uni his shit exploded again. buttt when he bought the cabin, he fixed it up himself. there were like leaky ceilings and rotted floorboards and all sorts of stuff, and he spent like a whole year fixing it up and painting it and picking out all the furniture. his house is lowkey his baby and he doesn’t like it being messy bc he wants it to look impressive. it’s definitely like--lived in, but not messy.

♡ - romantic headcanon

simba is not one of those people who withholds his “i love you’s” and he’s not someone who thinks saying it makes it mean less because that’s utterly ridiculous. he grew up with a family that said “i love you” a lot and he thinks it’s very important that the person u love knows that.

♥ - family headcanon

there is a big line for simba between friends and family. and yes, it is possible for people not related to him to cross the divide, but it is very distinct for him. it doesn’t mean he really treats people differently--until it comes to making the decision of keeping someone in his life or not. friends are a lot easier for him to cut out, but it is almost impossible for him to cut out family (you have to be taka, lmao. he is the exception.)

☮ - friendship headcanon

simba is so incredibly loyal to his friends. and he is definitely that person to call when you have to move or when you need a last minute babysitter or you have two tickets to some boring art show and you need someone to go with you. the friend to call if you’re feeling weird while walking home at dusk. he will bend over backwards to keep the people he loves happy and he is more than wiling to lend an ear or helping hand.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

simba keeps a prayer mat in his office/at home/and in his car and he prays three times a day almost without fail (only if he is too depressed/drunk not to). he prays at sunrise (shorook), afternoon (asr), and evening (maghrib). (he mixes it up sometimes, like depending on his schedule he’ll pray at noon or later at night--there are five prayer times.)

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

simba loves snacks. or food in general. he’s always eating. which makes ramadan so rough for him ahaha. he very much dislikes people who think that they are know-it-alls. they make him feel stupid.

▼ - childhood headcanon

simba’s favorite thing when he was a kid was when everyone would get together and dance. this could be just him and his mom and dad; or him and nala and their other friends; or whole groups of people together. he just lovesss dancing.

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

simba will be the cutest old man omg. he’ll still love babies so much whenever someone in the family has a baby he’s that grandpa that is just so cute and wants to touch their little heads and give little kisses and give all sorts of life advice to the parents (unsolicited.)

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

food is a big, important thing to simba because it symbolizes family and bounty. he’s used to just having huge meal celebrations with his family and whenever he eats he hates to do it alone, he’ll go wandering around with his plate until he can find someone to bother while he eats.

☼ - appearance headcanon

simba is a surprisingly snazzy dresser. his mother has an eye for fashion, and tbh so does simba. he loves colors, he rarely wears jeans because he much prefers colored trousers. he has all sorts of fun shoes and shirts and ties and he wears colorful bracelets sometimes too, and occasionally cloth or beaded necklaces from kenya. now he has his dad’s watch that he wears sometimes, though not always.

ൠ - random headcanon

now that things are better, sarabi was finally able to give simba everything that was left to him by his father in the will--including a few quilts his grandmother made, his father’s watch and a few other pieces of jewelry, and, most importantly, his father’s wedding ring (sarabi gave him her wedding band too, though she kept the engagement ring to continue wearing.)

#asks #headcanons #this took for fucking EVER

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