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megbox · 2 years

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2021 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2020) (2019) (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011)

2021, the year we all spoke longingly about in 2020 as the year things would be back to normal. How tragically and profoundly naive we were. Needless to say, things are not back to normal. However, despite the global pandemic that rages on around us at all times, it has not stopped 2021 from being a good year. Unfortunately, for a large part of this year the most exciting and all-encompassing (and unhealthy) thing going on in my life was a boy. I really doubt he will ever find this so I'm going to just use his name throughout. I am cringing already at how much space he has taken up in this post, but if I am to provide an accurate reflection of my year it is only fair that it corresponds to how much space he took up in my head. Don't worry, though (spoilers), he falls off for good about midway through.

January, February, and March

Yes, I am just going to go ahead and combine the first three months of the year into one subheading. That is the kind of year 2021 was. A lot of these winter month days felt like the same day on repeat. They passed by in a monotonous fog of work, stress, and running.

We begin with New Year's Eve. It... sucked, frankly. The pandemic restrictions were relatively strict at this time so nobody was throwing parties. I spent New Year's Eve with Alex, just the two of us at my place. His drinking prowess was questionable at best and yet he kept taking shots. Too many shots. He was violently throwing up in my bathroom mere minutes after the clock turned to midnight. He was embarrassed and wouldn't let me help. I had to just leave two sticks of gum and a glass of water on the edge of the sink and sit awkwardly in the hallway until he emerged and was okay. I tried not to sulk as I thought about the champagne I had excitedly purchased for us when he had asked me to spend the night together sitting in my fridge, untouched. The romantic New Year's Day sleep-in I had envisioned did not come, either. I cried the minute he left my house on January 1, wishing I had just gotten drunk off cab sauv with my friends on Zoom instead. I didn't say anything to him but quietly removed him from my social media and vowed that I'd do my best to move on in this new year. I went out on a whole bunch of random dates to try and make myself feel better. I went skating in Bowness Park with this total van-lifer guy who thought Shambhala was an underground, only-for-the-hardcore kinda festival. I still have scars on my ankles from that date because my skates didn't fit comfortably and I was wearing ankle socks. Anyways, I folded like a house of cards when Alex texted me two weeks later.

Things were strangely good after that. Good enough that I asked him to spend Valentine's Day together and he agreed, even said he was excited. What followed has got to be one of the biggest Ls I have ever taken in my dating life. I can laugh at it now but god damn, that shit was brutal. I meticulously planned this date. I bought lingerie, I went to the Italian market and bought nice ingredients and good wine for dinner, I got us prosecco and orange juice to have in the ski hill parking lot in the morning. When the day rolled around, there were so many red flags quite literally from the moment I woke up. He texted me to say he had a bit of a cold and was I okay with that if we were spending the day together? Should've known. On the drive up, he told me his friends had come by delivering cookies for "all their single buddies", should've known. He brought a handle of Fireball to the hill and demolished it and got weird and drunk and wouldn't even really wait for me on the slopes. Should've known. It wasn't until the very end of the night, like seconds away from sleep, that he said, "I just want to check that this is as casual for you as it needs to be for me." We had the most awkward and weird conversation. Just your classic, "well I'm not sleeping with anyone else either but I just am not ready for a relationship right now." I wanted him out of my house so badly but his skis were everywhere and he was drunk and it was too much work. I slept on the couch in my own damn house and then my stomach got upset from my meal I had made (he was somehow fine). In the morning, he got up at like 5am and left to go skiing with a friend. I remember coming out of my room later that morning and seeing the empty bottle of the nice wine I bought just sitting on my counter and having a split second urge to just smash it all over the floor. I texted him to end it a few days later.

A few non-boy related things did happen in this time period as well. Georgia took me on my very first trail run and it was instant love (also just cool to get to hang out with Georgia, she is amazing). I got to go to Fernie with Maddy for a weekend and the forecast was shit but then it surprised snowed 50cm overnight and we had the most dream ski day ever. I love Maddy with my whole heart.

April

I always look forward to April, it's my birthday month and the end of the academic year which always brings some relief with my job.

I got a bike for my birthday. It is a purple cruiser bike and it's so cute. I hosted a beer mile as my birthday celebration. Always been a bucket list item, I recruited some runners and some spectators and we went to Glenmore track to unleash the chaos. There were some actual runners training there when we arrived, we explained to them and their coach what we were planning and promised to stay out of their way and they said omg a beer mile! Can we watch? Of course I said yes. I projectile vomited all over the track after my third lap. A weird way to honour all of the time of my life I have spent at that track. It was so awesome... to run a beer mile but also to have friends who will support you and join you in running a beer mile. Other beer milers included Scott, Rie, Jon, Dylan, Emma, and Lucas. Honourable mention to the ad-hoc "Testosterone Mile" competitors, a last minute event that was thrown together by the boys who had been golfing all day and were certifiably in the bag at the time of the beer mile. Pukers include myself, Lucas, Matt, Josh, and Brodie. Godspeed and happy penalty laps to all.

I also got my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccination.

And as we have come to expect in this world, things imploded once again with Alex at the end of April. We reconnected, as you do when you're in a shitty weird situationship in a pandemic and instagram is a thing, in the middle of March. I wish I could say it would be the last time, but we are getting there, I promise. He had recently converted his SUV into a little camper van. On a random night at my place while I was lamenting about being stressed about my job, he suggested we go car camping in Waiparous. He said let’s have a fire, do some psychedelics, not have cell service. I was so excited. I haven’t ever really dated anyone who is all outdoorsy and who can just take care of a campsite like that and it was nice to just sit there and drink beers by the fire while he did everything. His little makeshift camper was actually really comfortable and warm despite it being April in Alberta. We dropped a tab of acid each and went mountain biking. We explored in the woods. We watched Inglorious Bastards on his laptop in the car and listened to weird music and fell asleep. It was actually kind of nice. But when he dropped me off at home after three days together, the weirdest feeling came over me. I felt this profound sense of sadness, and frustration, and fear. I feared that I still didn't know what was going on with us or if I'd ever see him again. I called him to ask and he ended up coming over to #have #the #conversation. I sobbed, like SOBBED the way you do when you’re in your room alone except he was right there witnessing it all. For like two hours and that is unfortunately not an exaggeration. It was a gross, heaving sobs, mascara-running-down-your-cheeks kind of crying. He even cried a little bit, too. It was bad. Shoutout to Kendal for being there for me on this day after he had gone, with the sugar cookies and the prosciutto and the nice Kleenex. Kendal is a good friend who hated this guy from day one and still managed to have compassion when I was devastated about us ending things.

May

May was rough, boys. At least work was dying down a bit, but I was experiencing the torrential type of sad girl hours I had not known since like, 2016. I really have to thank my friends during this time for looking out for me. I was feeling very lonely and sorry for myself. Maddy drove down from Banff for one night to take me to see Shrek at the drive-in movie theatre in the south of the city. Kendal was there for me so hard during this time, too. I feel the love. I also started taking CBD oil to help me with sleep. God bless you, CBD oil.

I was taking a professional development course on harm reduction and social work practice that was really cool.

On May 5, Karla texted me to let me know she and Laszlo had found a place and would be moving at the end of the month. I was unsurprised, given that she had not spent a night at our place since early October, but that also meant I needed to decide on some next moves. I’d known that my living arrangements were a little too-good-to-be-true for a long time but I was still sad to see it go. I decided that I was so accustomed now to living on my own that I didn’t want to chance things with a new roommate, especially one that my landlord would pick out, so I decided I’d just have to pay more and find a place for myself. That didn’t take too long though and I found my cute little studio/1bedroom place in Mission. Shoutout to my parents for helping me with the move, and stress, and last-minute planning.

May 1 also marked the beginning of GVRAT1000K season! My second GVRAT1000K challenge provided a much-needed distraction and a sense of purpose and a reminder of who the fuck I am during a time where I desperately needed those things. The timing worked out quite well. I did some great trail runs in May. Emma and I went out to Bragg Creek, I ran the Across the Nation Run in Isolation a second year in a row and ran a major personal best in my half marathon (under 2 hours for the first time ever!), and Emma, Rie, and I conquered Mount Aylmer as a run. It really truly helped.

The other thing that happened in May was my parents got a new puppy. He is a chihuahua, Pomeranian and Yorkie cross. His name is Rory. He is no Ollie, Ollie will always be number one in my heart and literally no dog can change that ever. He is cute and having a puppy around was also a pleasant distraction during this time of sad girl hours.

June

I moved into my apartment in Mission on June 1. We were in the middle of a crazy heat wave and the moving day was so stressful because Karla was also moving out and we had to coordinate all of the U-Hauls and moving trucks and boxes. It was weird to say goodbye to Capitol Hill Crescent. I lived there for a long time and I spent so much time there in this pandemic all by myself. It was like my little sanctuary for so long. I actually felt a lot more sad than I imagined I would that day.

Emma and I went on a little mini vacation to the mountains. We ran the Highline Trail and did a half marathon on Goat Creek Trail. We got cocktails at Park Distillery and aggressively hit on our server. We took a bunch of mushrooms and hiked Cascade Amphitheatre and also just hung out in town laughing our asses off in the hot tub at the hotel and on Tunnel Mountain. I got a $346 distracted driving ticket in Canmore.

I got my second dose of the Moderna vaccine on June 16 and god damn, that vaccine had no mercy. It took me out. A few hours post vaccine, I slipped into what I call the Moderna coma. I slept all afternoon and when I woke up all disoriented, I checked my phone and had a text from Alex. I literally thought I was hallucinating. It had been almost two months of zero contact. I was feeling so much better about it all. The text was so classic. “Hey, this thing made me think of you. I hope you’re doing well, you don’t have to reply if you don’t want to.” I……. replied. He said, "I hope you're enjoying your new place!" I said, "how did you know I moved?" He said, "Hinge listed you as my most compatible, it thinks we should give this another shot." I literally told him to stop fucking around and either ask for a second chance if that's what he wanted or leave me alone. He literally said, "please don't block me." God, I cringe.

I went to Saskatoon to visit my family which was such a wonderful time. I don’t often get to visit Saskatoon in the summer. We had a bocce ball tournament on Dodo’s acreage, I went for a run with my cousins on Meewasin trail, I bought new running shoes at Brainsport. The weather was beautiful and I just felt so lucky and happy to have the family that I do.

I’m honestly getting bored of this storyline even though I lived it but once we were both back in the same city, I talked to him on the phone. He caved, this time. He told me he missed me, he regretted how things ended. Told me he’d been biking by the river around the same time and place he knows I like to go running in the hopes we might run into each other. Told me he had resorted to creeping my Strava account to see what I was up to because I had him blocked on Instagram. Told me he’d told his friends about me and they’d encouraged him to shoot hit shot for another chance. It was very validating to hear from him in that moment and honestly, it felt good. He asked me on a date. He kept referring to it as “first date… kinda nervous.” It felt surreal. I told all my friends and I could practically feel everyone putting their heads in their hands like ughhhhh noooooooo.

July

July was a wonderful month of lots of trail running and hiking. Summer slow pitch also started back up which was the best because it had been delayed through the spring due to the pandemic.

In the middle of July, I went back out to Waiparous for a weekend to play in Survivor Waiparous Season 2: Rally to Return. I was invited to play via Kendal, her girlfriend’s friends were the ones who organized it and had played the first season last summer. In earlier pandemic days, Kendal and I had bingewatched it all over YouTube and she told Kate I wanted to play and then I was in. I didn’t really know what to expect but I definitely underestimated the legitimacy of how hardcore Survivor would be. I pulled up with many boxes of beer in my trunk, imagining there was no way I’d make it all that far and I could probably just get drunk by the fire for most of the weekend. I was… incorrect. Survivor Waiparous was extremely legit. We had buffs, tribes, idols, challenges, immunity tokens, torches… people were backstabbing and conniving and allies and enemies. It was actually weird how totally immersed I became into the game. It was hard at night to like, stop thinking about it. It’s worth sharing as well that I made it aaaaalmost to the finale, so that might have something to do with it. It was also just a wonderful weekend, I met so many lovely people and had such a good time. The weather was perfect. I had no cell phone service for four days and it was truly like a once in a lifetime kind of experience that you just feel so lucky to be a part of.

At the end of the month, me and Alex finally ended things for good. What had happened after our little reunion in June was that we hung out twice and then he went away to BC for a climbing trip that was supposed to last ten days. At first, I was pleasantly surprised. He made a concentrated effort to FaceTime me and I felt like hey, he’s really trying. Then ten days extended to two weeks, then three… I was trying not to get frustrated but all the same old anxieties and dread came back. When he finally came back, I remember he called me and I didn’t even pick up the call. He called me again and I answered and he said, “I was worried for a second you were done with my shit.” I was kind of done with his shit by then. He told me some story about another girl and I couldn't even bring myself to get jealous (extremely out of character pour moi). I remember telling Emma that I was pretty sure I needed to end it before we went on our trip in August because I didn’t want to have to worry about all of this while we were away. But it was, in the end, him who decided when that conversation would happen. I surprised myself because I didn’t even cry. I actually am really proud of how I handled that final conversation. I wasn’t mean, which I certainly can be when I’m defensive, but I stood up for myself. I made my boundaries clear. He was so shocked when I told him I’d block his number. I think he thought I was bluffing. I did block it, though, and I hooked up with someone else like… five hours after that conversation happened. And I have not spoken to or had any contact with him since. Which suggests to me that it was the right call. Goodbye and good riddance to you, sir.

HOWEVER, as a result of sleeping in my contact lenses after that 5-hours-post-breakup hookup, I got a corneal ulcer. It was so awful. I had to put in so many eyedrops and wear my glasses for like two weeks and go to the eye doctor like every three days. It ended up not being a big deal but I did have a literal hole in my cornea for a hot second there.

The last thing that happened in July was that Kendal returned back to Ottawa for her Master’s. It was an extremely sad moment and I burst into tears saying goodbye to her. She has been such an amazing friend and person through this pandemic, I truly don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it if it wasn’t for her and I will always be grateful when I look back on this time in both of our lives that we had eachother. I was happy for her to be able to go back to Ottawa to pursue her dreams and do all of her amazing stuff but that night at Ol’ Beautiful I cried and cried.

August

I was a little behind in the GVRAT at the beginning of August and so I was tasked with running/walking/hiking a 292km month in order to finish on time.

I spent ten days of August on the best fricking trip ever with Emma. We drove from Calgary to Squamish and then were staying at this hotel that doubled as a brewery. We obviously had to get beers upon our arrival, and some dude slid into my DMs on Instagram. We were in a #mood so we invited him and his friend to join us at the brewery and it unfolded into the most wild night even though Emma and I had driven twelve hours that day and gotten up at 4am. They took us to this cidery in Squamish and Caleb worked there so he got behind the bar and made us spicy margaritas. He took us to this bar called the Goat where we played Mario Kart and did tequila shots. We kept telling ourselves we just had to be back in bed by midnight in order to crush our planned trail run the next morning. I kissed Caleb next to the arcade games and we made plans to hang out again when Emma and I would return to Squamish the following week. I remember specifically being in the bathroom of this cidery and it was the kind of bar bathroom where people have written things all over the walls and I was obviously drunk so this is kind of cringe and cheesy to write but someone had written a message about being in the present moment and I just thought to myself I was so glad I didn't have to fuck with Alex anymore and could just enjoy all of the random things that were unfolding and I was like wow it really took me like 3 weeks to get fully over that and it was a really really good feeling.

Plus we ACTUALLY DID THE TRAIL RUN THE NEXT DAY even though it nearly killed us. We spent the first 5km in a sweaty silence until one of us was like, "this sucks" "yeah." But once we'd sweated out the margaritas, Garibaldi Lake was beyond gorgeous.

We spent the weekend in Tofino. We did a ton of mushrooms and went to the Tofino brewery and were so high and had no idea if the staff could tell or not (they probably could… they sat us at the couch table, after all). We ended up meeting some friends of Emma’s at a cocktail bar. We did more mushrooms and went back to our campsite to party on the beach. We found a full setup with a gas firepit and just decided to make it our own (mushroom ideas LOL), everyone sent Jordan and I to grab lawn chairs and propane and when we came back to the beach, the owners of the firepit had arrived. The guy introduced himself as “low rider J” and they were friendly but the vibe was not it so we kinda just did our own thing down the beach. We blasted Kygo and danced in the sand. These dudes from Ireland came over to hang out and the one guy was so drunk his friend had to take care of him and they were kind of hitting on Jordan and it was so, so funny. At the end of the night, it was clear that they thought we’d be hooking up with them but we did not do that and sent them in a taxi to their own campsite.

Lucas arrived in Tofino and we did many athletic things like running and biking and hiking. He pointed out constellations in the night sky and we ate salt and vinegar chips. It is so funny to think of how long I’ve known Lucas and how we were never really all that close until fairly recently. He tolerated 48 straight hours with me and Emma which is a feat so, good for you Lucas. I am happy to know you and to be your friend.

Emma and I spent a very dank night in Port Alberni on the way home. When we stopped in Squamish, we ran Panorama Ridge and then Caleb took us out for cocktails. It was the best kind of night, especially after you’ve crushed your number one bucket list trail run. He held my hand and we kept kissing at the bar and it was just like… hell yeah. He made me coffee in the morning and he put Kurt Vile on because he knew I liked him. I thought to myself how nice it was to spend time with someone, even if that time is so limited, who actually took care of you and wasn’t secretive about liking you. The two evenings I spent with Caleb showed me more dignity and respect than anything Alex ever did.

We departed Squamish and spent the last few days of our trip in Panorama with Emma’s parents and boyfriend. We played Exploding Kittens, drank prosecco, hiked Jumbo Pass and hung out in the hot tub. I finished my second GVRAT1000K. All in all – it was the best trip. Emma and I had so much fun, so many adventures, we laughed so hard and created so many memories.

September

We made a full return to the office in September and it was a wake up call and a half. I had to re-adapt to a) actually doing work, b) in-person appointments with clients, c) a fourty-hour work week and d) work apparel. I am much more productive when I'm in the office and the added social interaction infinitely improves my morale and my mood, so I am happy for the switch.

I was coasting off of a very high volume August and was probably in some of the best physical shape I've ever been in in my entire life at this point. I ran personal bests in my 5k, 10k, and half marathon. I ran a fricking 1:50 half marathon! Like, what?! I never in a million years would've thought that possible.

I also did a lot of dating in September. September was the first time I actually got to meet Bryan. I knew him (sort of) via Maddy because she's dating his best friend. She had mentioned to him about my running the GVRAT1000K and Bryan followed me on Strava earlier in the year. We were just distant Strava pals until he messaged me at the end of August to say he was coming to town and could we go for a drink? I said yes, and while our first date was lots of fun I remember walking away from it thinking wow, he's lovely, but he lives in Edmonton and I got more ~friend~ vibes anyway. Little did I know! I also met a few other great people in this time. I went on the most spectacular first date with a harm reduction paramedic where we drank by the river and then played We're Not Really Strangers and he left me a note that I read in the morning. It didn't work out with him for a number of reasons, which is fine, but I remember in that moment enjoying how much fun I was having just being confident in myself enough to date and be vulnerable and open with new people.

And in September I ran two races, the Castle Alpine Trail Race with Emma and Rie and the Calgary half-marathon. Both were highly emotional and happy experiences. I was terrified of the CAT but then suddenly I was on the course and I was having the time of my life. The adrenaline I felt when I realized I had reached the top of the ascent and could just enjoy flying down the hill to the finish line was unparalleled. And the Calgary marathon was an amazing experience too. To finally run an in-person race, to see my parents on the corner cheering me on and to run a 10k personal best in the middle of a half-marathon personal best... I felt on top of the world that day.

October

On Thanksgiving weekend, Emma and I ran the Grizzly ultramarathon in Canmore. 25 (well, more like 28)km each, and her parents and Rob came to watch and cheer us on. It was such a cool experience even though my legs were literally giving out on my second leg of the race. Canmore gifted us the most beautiful sunrise and the best weather for the race. Of course, we’ve signed up to do it again in 2022. These trail races get really addicting, honestly.

Following the Grizzly, I got super sick. I don’t know if it was like a post-ultra flu that then turned into something worse or what but I was out for an entire week of work which was terrible. I tested for COVID-19 twice because I had all the symptoms but it was negative both times. I literally spent a week almost entirely in bed. I know I put my body through a lot in these weeks but I have not been sick like that since early 2019, and even then it wasn’t this bad.

I was supposed to go to Ottawa to visit Kendal in October but then she contracted mono AND strep and thus my trip had to be cancelled. When my work learned I’d be in town instead of going to Ottawa on my trip dates, they asked me if I wanted to go to ASIST train-the-trainer. ASIST T4T is a five day intensive training program where they certify you to teach the ASIST method of responding to suicide to others. It’s been a dream and a big personal goal of mine to be an ASIST trainer since I got into working at the university so I said yes and got to spend a week in this course. It was really cool except for the fact that I got sexually harassed by the facilitator who used my personal cell phone number to send me inappropriate text messages late at night. And yes, I reported him to the Executive Director of the managing organization for ASIST in Alberta.

November

The first weekend in November, our slow pitch team got together to play in a “snow pitch” tournament out in Okotoks. What a mess but oh my god, so fun. Slow pitch has truly been one of the great joys of my last few years. I never expected to love it as much as I do, especially considering how bad I am. But to be out there on the diamond with my friends, blasting music and crushing beers and actually not sucking too bad… t’was so fun.

I then got sick again. Unsure if it was some kind of resurgence of the first sickness or an entirely new one but it took me out for another few days of work. I could literally see the infection on my tonsils. It was disgusting. Bryan was coming to town and we had planned a date that I was extremely excited for and I literally woke up with this infection all over my tonsils and was so frustrated about the timing I wanted to cry. I went to the walk-in clinic for antibiotics and admitted defeat. On Friday of that week, Bryan called me and made a last-minute proposal: I know you're sick but I want to see you, come up to Canmore and spend the night here if you want, my brothers are here, we're going to have some beers and play some games. I grabbed my penicillin and said SAY LESS and got in my car and blasted Message in a Bottle from the re-release of Taylor Swift's RED album like 100 times and it was an incredible night and really the turning point in my relationship with Bryan because I felt like I was finally experiencing what it is like to date somebody who takes care of you. In the big ways like making sure you are comfortable and healthy and happy but in the small ways like giving you his jacket when you're cold and making you coffee and just MAKING A GODDAMN EFFORT it was so attractive.

December

I can't really think of what to write for December.

I've taken a little bit of a running hiatus which I think has actually been healthy for me. It's interesting to see how the absence of stressors makes it easier for me to lay off the running a bit.

Work has slowed down quite a bit as it always does around exam season. It has been strange to navigate the anti-vaccination folks as part of my work. Just something that they never really could've predicted and therefore it's hard to know how to deal with it so we're all just kind of winging it. Like, yeah, honestly, they ARE kind of infringing upon your rights and freedoms but it's for the greater good and also the vaccine isn't going to kill you, you stupid idiots.

In Conclusion:

· While this year in review post seems to focus on the usual aspects of my life – boys and jobs and vacations and friends – we are still indeed living through a global pandemic that is having a profound effect on almost every aspect of our lives as we know it and will irreversibly shape the future. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too nonchalant when it comes to the pandemic. I wonder if I will look back on this post and think, really? That’s what I was so concerned about as this huge global event was taking place around me? But I also understand my avoidance of talking and thinking about the pandemic so much as a coping mechanism of sorts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m double (and soon to be triple) vaccinated, I mask up, I do the things. But ignorance is also bliss, and I think sometimes acknowledging the true impacts and threats of the pandemic to our lives is an overwhelming task. 2021 felt a bit more normal than 2020, I’ll give it that, but there are still so many unknowns.

· I achieved physical feats I never thought possible during this year and I owe it all to my own hard work and dedication. That feels very good to say. Falling in love with trail running and exploring the world of ultrarunning has really helped my confidence. These sports are not for the faint of heart. When my body shows me it is capable of these crazy ascents and races and being right there in it and the adrenaline is coursing through my veins, I feel so proud of myself.

· I got my heart broken this year. It sucked (but never as bad as the first one, of course). That was also a lesson… recognizing that you can pretty much get over anybody that you need to with the right attitude, time, patience, and having already been through a bad breakup. I also feel like I am mature enough to recognize the places where I messed up in this relationship and contributed to the dynamic. It’s not fair to say it is all his fault (it is… mostly his fault, though) and through being honest about those things, I have been more capable to be honest with people about what I want and to accept when they don’t want the same. I put myself out there a lot more with people than I used to and I am much more resilient to rejection.

· Aaaand I met Bryan this year which I really feel like is the universe being like okay, that last one was brutal... I think you've learned your lesson, here's the person you're actually supposed to be with. Go for it.

So, I think if I had to encapsulate 2021 into a lesson or a theme it would be the importance of asking for what you want and not being afraid of the consequences. Not just in romantic situations but with friendships, at your workplace, with your family. Not only does it force you to think about what it is you actually want out of your life but asking for it and getting it helps you realize that you actually deserve it. When I didn’t ask for what I wanted and went along with someone else’s needs, I got hurt. Even when I did ask for what I want and it didn’t work out, I was able to be proud of myself for going for it. We only have a limited time here in this world, don’t be shy about going after what you want and need.

2022:

There is much to look forward to in 2022. I am nervous about the challenges that a fifth wave and an in-person semester at the university will bring. I’m in a super healthy and happy relationship that also happens to be long distance… and I’m excited about where this is going to go but also recognizing this is new territory for me in a number of ways. I’ll find out if I have been accepted into graduate school and will potentially be starting, I get to see my best friend get married and be in the wedding party, I get to run Sinister fucking 7!!!!!, and I get to go watch World Athletics Championships for two weeks in July with my family. My brother will become a doctor (!) and will potentially have to move away for his residency... there's lots to imagine and probably also so many things I can't even begin to imagine. Such is life. :)

#year in review #2021

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popculty · 3 years

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New Episode of the Popculty Podcast!🎧

With the pandemic wreaking havoc on our collective sanity, what better time to talk about mental health representation in media!

In this episode, Licensed Social Worker and friend of the show Megan lays out the Seven Big Bad mental illness tropes that movies/TV just can't get enough of. Then we go hard on some classic but problematic faves, Hollywood's misguided obsession with "crazy"/violent white men, and the most irresponsible show ever to air (can you guess?)!

Listen to the episode here, or listen/subscribe on:

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Stitcher | Google Podcasts

What are some of your favorite shows/movies/characters dealing with mental illness or addiction❓ Let me know and we might share your thoughts in the next episode! 📣 Tweet @popculty, or send a voice memo/email to [email protected].

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~Episode transcript below 👇~

This transcript has been lightly edited for brevity and clarity. For the full, unabridged transcript, please see the ‘Transcript’ tab on the Buzzsprout page.

[upbeat intro music]

SJ: Welcome back to The Popculty Podcast, where we highlight the underrepresented in pop culture. I'm your host, SJ.

[music fades out]

Hey there, listeners, I hope you're hanging in there. It has been a tough year, to say the least. Between the social isolation and loss of nearly 3 million lives worldwide from this pandemic, we've all been through a global trauma. Even with the beginning of the vaccine rollout, experts warn that we haven't yet reached the "post" in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. We're still in the trauma phase. And the data has shown the effects of that on our mental health. In the U.S., rates of depression and anxiety have tripled since the beginning of COVID. ABC reported that opioid overdoses have risen by 29%. Calls to national hotlines have skyrocketed, and a Gallup poll found that more Americans rated their mental health worse in 2020 than any year in the past two decades. These effects have been felt hardest by women, communities of color, essential workers, the elderly and the disabled. On top of that, a spotlight on police brutality and the rise of anti-Asian hate crimes has only added to the fear, anxiety, and trauma for Black and AAPI communities.

All of these mental health concerns have been called the "hidden fourth wave of the pandemic." As you listen to this, you yourself may be - as a lot of us are right now - hitting that proverbial pandemic wall. As we wait patiently in line for our shot at the shot, the overwhelming grief of losing loved ones, of losing an entire year to sickness, violence and fatigue, is settling in. Once we get the jab, there's going to be re-entry anxiety, and it's still not clear what the long-term societal effects of this earth-disrupting event will be. I know all of this sounds dire, and I don't want to leave you with just the gloomy stats. So here's one more: A 2011 review of depression studies concluded that the majority of individuals who experienced depression will recover within one year. So most of us will bounce back from this. If this whole experience has proved anything, it's that humans are resilient creatures.

But the point is, for better and for worse, mental health has never been more of a pressing global concern than it is right now. Maybe we're finally ready to start having these long-overdue conversations that can move the needle forward on destigmatizing mental illness. In that spirit, I called up a friend of the podcast who happens to know a bit about this sort of thing.

Megan: My name is Megan Wykhuis, and I am a school social worker in the Northwest region of Colorado. I have my Master's in Social Work at this point, and I'll be going for my licensing exam this spring

SJ: When I talked to Megan a year ago, she had just had to postpone that licensing exam due to COVID. But in between the pandemic and having a baby, she did finally end up squeezing that in too, so I'm happy to report that she is now a Licensed Social Worker (LSW). You might remember Megan from her guest appearance in part one of our Jessica Jones series, where she praised the show for its depiction of sexual assault, addiction and PTSD. I wanted to talk more with her about how mental illness is represented in TV and film, overall. I struggle with bipolar type two disorder and have family members with related diagnoses, so this is a topic that's very personal to me. And given Megan's chosen profession, it's obviously very personal to her too. Both of us have a real stake in positive portrayals of mental health conditions, so we really wanted to go deep on this. We spoke for several hours, exploring the history of on-screen depictions of mental illness - the good, the extremely problematic, and the in-between.

SJ: [to Megan] The more I was thinking about these things and revisiting these movies and shows that I had a nostalgic place for in my heart, but then upon rewatching them I'm like, "Oh! Mental health rep, not so great." [Megan laughs] I can't wait to talk about this.

Megan: Yeah, when you start watching it with a different lens on you're like, "Oh shit, this is not how I remembered it... Little cringe-worthy." Yeah, uh-huh.

SJ: [to you] In this first episode, we travel the timeline of harmful stereotypes, from 1960's Psycho to 2017's 13 Reasons Why. Content warning for this episode: Obviously, this is going to be an in-depth discussion of mental health conditions and addiction. So if you have any sensitivities around those issues, just take care in listening to this episode. Pace yourself, or skip it altogether, if you find it's too much. We are mostly going to be talking about these things in a very clinical and analytical way. The only thing that I would really issue a trigger warning for is probably our discussion of 13 Reasons Why at the end of the episode, in which there will be a mention of sexual assault and some discussion of suicide. So just a heads-up about that. Feel free to skip that section if you need to. If this episode triggers anything for you, I really encourage you to schedule a session with your therapist if you have one, reach out to your local mental health services provider if you don't already have a therapist, or you can always call a national support hotline like RAINN or NAMI, which I will provide the contact info for in the show notes.

[to Megan] So, you called in for our Jessica Jones episode, and you talked about how that show subverts a lot of the common, inaccurate tropes we see in pop culture involving mental illness and addiction. I'd like to start this conversation there, and I wondered if you could break down those seven big tropes a little more for us, before we get into some of our examples.

Megan: Yeah, absolutely. So, one of the harmful and inaccurate tropes is that people with mental illness are violent. And I think we see this one time and time again. When I was doing some research for this, I was like, really any horror movie ever. And also, if you just look at the media, or the news, anytime school shootings or mass shootings of any sort come up, a lot of times people will bring up, "Oh, well, it's because they have a mental illness." And typically, with mental illness, people are victims of crimes. It's not as much that they are perpetrators of violence. So I think it's a pretty harmful trope that exists out there. And it's something that we do see a lot in film, television, as well as news.

SJ: Absolutely, that's a good place to start. When you look at the common denominator among mass shootings and school shootings, it's not mental illness, it's-- well, maleness, and access to guns, if you want to get real about it.

Megan: Yeah.

SJ: And most people with mental illness are more inclined to self-harm than they are to hurt others. The rates of self-harm are just incredible compared to the rates of committing violence against others. That's relatively very rare.

Megan: Right, exactly. And I'm not saying that those with mental illnesses can never be violent, because that can be the case sometimes. But it's a very small percentage. And it's not represented well, because when we're looking at things like, you know, The Shining and Psycho, and movies like that where we see really violent depictions of characters with severe mental illness issues - That's the problem, is that *that's* all we're seeing, is that like, 1%, versus the other 99% that are nonviolent.

SJ: Yeah. I was thinking about this with the recent Joker movie. And I really love the series Dexter, but I also realize that that's just another example of that, too. He's a sociopath, so of course that means he's a serial killer, too. I mean, I love him, but it's just reinforcing that [trope].

Megan: I know, it's so played out! It is! And it's like, "Okay, cool. Can we have another white man with a mental illness who's violent?" That is what it is, time and time again. And when I saw that, uh... Didn't Joaquin Phoenix-- he won the Oscar for Joker, right?

SJ: He did. Yeah.

Megan: And it's like, "Oh my God, are we not tired of seeing the same shit play out over and over again?"

SJ: I mean, I am.

Megan: Right? It's a little frustrating to me. Like, come on, let's come up with some original storytelling.

SJ: No, I know. Let's move on to our second trope...

Megan: Second trope is that people are othered by their appearance. And this happens, again, in a lot in horror films - masking, physical deformities, or people will start attractive, and then as they develop a mental illness, they become unattractive.

SJ: That is so interesting. And obvious.

Megan: Isn't it, isn't it? It's like the mental illness is coming out and being ugly. [laughs]

SJ: Right, it has to be physically manifested somehow. I know I've seen that in horror movies, but I was trying to think of a specific example.

Megan: Well, I think Psycho is a good example of that. And that is a little bit different, because it's not like his physical appearance is changing that much, but rather, he's taking on a different persona. He’s taking on his mom's persona. I would also think of The Shining though. Jack Nicholson at the beginning versus Jack Nicholson at the end of that film? Yeah, very different. His physical appearance does change. He looks more chaotic, his face gets redder, hair sticking up on end. He just looks really disheveled. Another trope is that all mental health issues are severe. This is one that really bothers me, because it's something that I do see tons, playing out over and over again. It's that there is no minimal mental health issue. It's all very extreme.

SJ: Nothing in moderation. [both laugh]

Megan: Yes, exactly. And again, I would just reference The Shining being an example of that...Psycho... And I love Psycho, I love Alfred Hitchcock. I took an Alfred Hitchcock class when I was in college. I was pursuing some film stuff at the time, and I loved Hitchcock's work and everything, but whoo! Talk about a problematic director. [laughs]

SJ: Oh, yeah.

Megan: For a lot of reasons. But yeah, so, Norman Bates in Psycho, the diagnosis there is DID, dissociative identity disorder - what most people think of as multiple personality disorder. (It was reclassified in the DSM later on as dissociative identity disorder.) It is *such* a rare disorder, and it's misportrayed in that film. It's not super accurate to how I would go about with the diagnosis, and then it's also just a very rare disorder. Like, there are still people who don't believe it's a disorder. So it's a contentious topic.

SJ: When I was looking into Psycho and the way that DID has been presented on screen, it turned into this rabbit hole. And we can talk about it more when we talk about Psycho as a problematic example, but Hollywood's obsession with DID is really interesting. And you also had these stories of people like Sybil, who, I think her case was ultimately proven to not be true. So I think that leads people to think it's not a real disorder. Because you have, on the one hand, these stories of people claiming to have DID, who were later disproven, and then you also have Hollywood taking that diagnosis and turning it into these really sensationalized movies like Psycho and Split. It is an interesting one.

Megan: Yeah, absolutely. And then any time you have schizophrenia portrayed on the screen, it's also very severe, typically. And it's usually paranoid schizophrenia that’s portrayed. And that is another one that is just repeatedly... Hollywood likes to show that mental health issue. I mean, it's probably one of the highest-tier mental health issues, for sure. As far as disorders go, you've *got* to be on medication to deal with that. So that's another problematic one.

SJ: And that's not to say that these aren't serious issues. It's just the way that movies and TV typically portray them, you only get one version of it, which is SO severe, coupled with that first trope of violence, and yeah, it's just not good.

Megan: Another thing that bothers me with within the severity trope is that a lot of times, it'll [just] be one disorder, and it'll be very severe. But [in reality] there's also a lot of crossover with mental illness. There's a lot of co-occurring disorders, which is one of the things I brought up with Jessica Jones. That's why I like Jessica Jones so much is because she's got co-occurring stuff going on, which is more realistic, and it's what we see more in the mental health world.

SJ: Absolutely. Should we move on to number four, then?

Megan: Yes, number four is that there is no recovery. This is problematic for a lot of reasons, but it's portrayed in the way that a main character (whoever is suffering with the mental illness) can't move forward, or their mental illness defines their character. And I'm thinking of things like Monk. And I love Monk. I'm a big detective show kind of girl. And, like, Tony Shalhoub? I just love him. I can't help myself. He's a riot to watch. It's funny, but man, in thinking about this podcast, I was like, "Oh... well, shit." [laughs]

SJ: "Gonna have to talk about the problematic Monk."

Megan: Yeah! And I didn't even think about this being problematic, but it is! And one of the reasons is because, [for] that character specifically, there's no recovery showcased in it. It's just really stigmatizing in the mental health world, when people don't believe that recovery is possible. And when they see it shown that this person is going to a psychiatrist every week, they're going to therapy three times a week, and they're not making any progress - That's a problem. When we are showing therapy on the screen as not being effective.

SJ: Mm-hmm. As an endless process.

Megan: Exactly.

SJ: Which, therapy can be a lifelong thing that is helpful for a lot of people. I'm a big believer in therapy. It's helped me a lot. But to not show therapy having a positive effect on the patient, to just kind of be rehashing the same thing over and over, week after week, in a show like Monk, gives people the impression that this is just something that is always going to be at the forefront of this person's life. That it's never going to get easier for them to deal with. But that's just usually not true. If you put in the work, and if you seek treatment - whatever that means for you, whether it's medication or therapy - you can absolutely get better. And that's just not something that we see [in media]. It doesn't seem to be something that Hollywood is interested in showing, or that TV writers are interested in writing about, because that's not the juicy, dramatic stuff. What they want to see is someone suffering and struggling, or, in Monk's case, being funny with his diagnosis. And I get that that's "good TV," but again, it gives people really the wrong idea.

Megan: I totally agree. I feel like mental illness is either sensationalized or it is made to be a joke, a lot of times.

SJ: Which leads us to...

Megan: Our next trope is that therapists are a joke. [slight pause] Oh, yes! I love that you put First Wives Club and Freaky Friday on here. [both laugh]

SJ: Those are the first two that came to my mind. Granted, I love both those movies--

Megan: Totally.

SJ: --but you know what I'm talking about? Like in First Wives Club, her therapist is the woman who's cheating with [Annie's] husband. And the whole therapy session is really a joke - It's meant to be laughed at. And then Freaky Friday is the same way. It's just, "...And how do you feel about that?" And we're supposed to laugh, you know?

Megan: I know. I know, totally. And I did also include on here-- which, I don't know if people will agree with me on this, but I included Good Will Hunting.

SJ: Yeah, can you talk about that?

Megan: I include it on here because when I think of the terminology "therapists as a joke," I don't always mean in a comedic sense. I mean that they're not professional and that they're not ethically following their roles as a therapist, that boundaries aren't a thing. And that is absolutely the case with Robin Williams' character.

SJ: Yeah, you're totally right.

Megan: The first time I watched it, I wasn't in grad school. I was in my early 20s at the time, and just livin' a carefree life, and I loved it. I thought it was great. And then I watched it again when I was in grad school, because we were talking about ethics and boundaries and things like that. And I was like, "Oh! Oh, god. Okay. Well, it's not great for that reason." It's kind of a problematic therapist/client relationship in a lot of ways. Because Robin Williams' character I think is a good mentor role. But as a professional therapist, you wouldn't want to do a lot of self-disclosure, you wouldn't want to have a lot of big reactivity to what your client is saying, and things like that.

Megan: I also included on here 13 Reasons Why. Full disclosure, I haven't seen the show--

SJ: That's fine, neither have I. I have no problem tearing it to shreds, though.

Megan: Okay, great!

SJ: I've done enough research on it that I feel like I have seen it, and I hate it. So feel free to include it.

Megan: Agreed. I've read a lot of articles on this show, and I've read the book, because I work with kids - kindergarten through 12th grade. I work predominantly with secondary schools though, so it's mostly middle and high school. And a lot of suicidality and suicidal ideation increased after that show aired, so it's very problematic for a lot of reasons: It glamorized suicide, it glamorized self-harm, all this stuff. But one of the other things that came up is that-- and I don't know if this happens in the show, but in the book, she tells her school counselor about her rape, and he doesn't believe her.

SJ: Yikes!

Megan: Yikes, indeed. Yikes, indeed.

SJ: How many layers of bad can you put into this show? It's just wrong choice after wrong choice, on the part of the creators. What are they thinking??

Megan: Right? That was one of the things that really stuck out to me when I read the book. I was like, "No counselor would ever do that!" And I've talked about it with some of my counselor colleagues/friends and other school social workers. It's that unrealistic portrayal, and that's the portrayal that kids are getting - that if they tell somebody they were assaulted, nobody will believe them. And that is...messed up, to say the least.

SJ: And that's the position you're in with these kids. If they watch the show and they feel like, 'Well, I can't go to my counselor because they won't believe me'... I mean, that affects how you can do your job. That is just such a cycle of... [makes sympathetic noise]

Megan: Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's hard enough, because you're already in a position of authority as an adult, right? So getting kids to trust you? You have to put in the time and the effort. And for things to so quickly take away that trust, just at the ground level, by watching a TV show, it's like, "Really?? Come on! And how did you not think of the ramifications of this?" Clearly they did not have somebody consulting on mental health.

SJ: Nope, not at all. God, that is just not the representation that mental health professionals need. And kids are so impressionable at that age, it's already an uphill battle.

Megan: Yeah. Absolutely.

SJ: Ughhhh, 13 Reasons Why. We will hate on you some more later. [laughs]

Megan: Our next trope is that mental hospitals are evil places.

SJ: [chortles] I love this one.

Megan: Right? This is the case in a lot of them. And I didn't even put this on our list, but A Beautiful Mind also has a section with a mental hospital that's not great. But yeah, this is shown in horror movies, this is shown in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, this is shown in Girl Interrupted. Time and time again, [we're shown] that mental hospitals are not good places, that nothing good happens there, that it's horrific, that the workers are abusive... And I should acknowledge that in the past - like, a long time ago - yes, mental hospitals? Problematic places. You didn't want to get sent there. They were pretty awful. And used electroshock treatments and other things that are super outdated, that we wouldn't do now. So institutionalized care hasn't always been the best. That's fair. However - again, when we only see that depicted, and we never see it being a positive thing, that's a problem.

SJ: I think you're absolutely right about the legacy of asylums and places like that. Because they were such scary places in the past, I think we really can't let go of that idea. Especially horror movies love that. There's a mental hospital near where I live where John Carpenter shot one of his horror movies. To be fair, some of those places are really creepy. But yeah, we're not helping ourselves by constantly defaulting to this image of evil places where people get hung out to dry and electroshocked. Which, electroshock sounds scary, and it used to be, but they don't do it like that anymore. They actually know what they're doing now. So we also have to take into account modernity. Moving on to our last trope... Do you want to break that down for us?

Megan: Our last trope is that you should be able to overcome your mental illness by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.

SJ: Good old 'murica!

Megan: 'Murica! I didn't have a whole lot of specific examples in media for this, because I think it's just so ingrained in our society. This is just, I feel, like an understood thing. For a lot of reasons, I think this affects men disproportionately than women. Because with women, there is more of a sense of community and being able to talk about things. And I think the stigma with mental illness with men is greatly elevated by this inability to talk to other men, and the stigmatization that if you ask for help, you're "weak," or "girly," or however you want to quantify that statement - a lot of problematic things, obviously. And we'll talk about the gender differences in mental illness, because there's some good examples that we'll bring up. But this is one of those that culturally and societally, it plays out on those levels many, many times over.

SJ: You know, I jokingly say, "'Murica," but I do believe the whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" thing is a distinctly American phrase or invention. I don't know if you have seen media from other countries that maybe doesn't have this concept so deeply embedded in its mental health representation?

Megan: I think it's westernized cultures. Any culture that's individualistic, in the sense that they don't want to ask for help, and there's less of an emphasis on community and more emphasis on self. I would say those communities are more the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type. But, for instance, I'm thinking of anime. I went to Denver Pop Culture Con last year, and there was a panel on the "magic girl" character in anime. And I thought that was a really interesting concept, because it was a superhero in a totally different way than I had ever visualized superheroes. Because in Western culture, we've got a very different idea of what those things mean. And in Eastern cultures, it's more about like, feelings and working with your friends. I'm thinking of, like, Sailor Moon, you know? I don't know if you ever watched Sailor Moon. I loved Sailor Moon as a kid.

SJ: I never really got into anime. But I saw enough to know exactly what you're talking about, yeah.

Megan: So, I would say when you're looking at cultures that deal more with the community and family, those sorts of things, you have less of the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality.

SJ: Interesting. Cool. Okay, so now that we've got our tropes down, I would love to get into some specific examples. A few we've already mentioned, but we're going to get into them more. You and I compiled this list, more or less a timeline going back to the 1960s, of how mental illness has been depicted on both the big and small screen. We tried to pick examples that were representative of their era; ones that are pretty iconic, that most listeners will be immediately familiar with; and we also tried to present a range of mental illnesses. So starting with our oldest example and proceeding in chronological order, first up we have Psycho in 1960.

SJ: As we mentioned, that film was sort of the beginning of Hollywood's obsession with dramatizing dissociative identity disorder. When I was researching about DID and the history of its representation on screen, The Guardian had an article called "From Split to Psycho: Why Cinema Fails Dissociative Identity Disorder." And it was talking about how our obsession with it goes back all the way to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, written in 1886. And it can be seen in superhero movies today, with characters like the Incredible Hulk and even Superman versus Clark Kent!

Megan: Yeah!

SJ: I thought that was so interesting. I had never thought about it that way.

Megan: I've thought about it in that way, only because there's this podcast called Feeling Super, and they talk about mental health in pop culture as well. They talked all about The Incredible Hulk and DID, and I was like, "Okay, this is great. I love it. Let's dive in." Because that's actually a pretty accurate representation of DID, unlike most other representations. Because a lot of times what happens is they fail to actually show the dissociative part, and there's this awareness of other personalities, and people can just pop in and out of their personalities or whatever - That's not DID. You have to have the dissociative part in order to be diagnosed with that disorder. And Bruce Banner absolutely has that, right? He comes out of that Hulk state, and he's not aware of that other personality, right? He doesn't know what he did.

SJ: So people have no memory of what they did while they were this other personality? That's how that works?

Megan: Yeah, so typically, you have your dominant personality, who is aware of the other personalities, and then the submissive personalities, who are not aware at all.

SJ: Ohhhhkay. That's such a different way than I'm used to seeing it represented in movies.

Megan: Yep. [laughs]

SJ: I think we all appreciate Alfred Hitchcock as a filmmaker. Psycho is obviously a classic, but as this article was saying, "Psycho is a horror masterpiece, but as a portrayal of a real-life mental health condition, it's nonsense." I kind of have to agree. It sounds like you do too.

Megan: Yes. Strongly.

SJ: Unfortunately.

Megan: And for the time period too, you know... I mean, when did Psycho come out?

SJ: This was 1960. So granted, this was 70 years ago... Er, I can do math-- Sixty years ago.

Megan: I just am gonna agree with you, because math is not my strong suit either.

SJ: I mean, who knows what year it is anymore? [both laugh]

Megan: Right? But yeah, in the '60s, I'm sure it wasn't a horrifically absurd portrayal of mental illness at that time. I mean, it's terrible by our standards today.

SJ: Though, to be fair to Psycho, the portrayal of DID has not exactly improved over time. I mean, we just had Split in 2016, which again, rehashes pretty much all those tropes that we were just talking about. Moving up several years, then - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in 1975. I...am a little ashamed to say that I haven't seen this. But I know it's a classic... I can't tell if you're rolling back because you're pregnant or because you're ashamed of me. [laughing]

Megan: I'm rolling back because I'm pregnant. I'm uncomfortable. [laughing] I am not ashamed of you. I mean, I haven't seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in a long-ass time. I think I watched it early in high school, and I haven't seen it since.

SJ: What's your recollection of it, or your conception?

Megan: The big negative trope that it falls into is that mental hospitals are evil places. I mean, that's pretty much the premise.

SJ: Oh, boy! Another one of those.

Megan: I know, right? And again, it's Jack Nicholson who's the main character.

SJ: He just loves these roles!

Megan: [laughing] He does. He does. That portrayal of a mental health facility is... I mean, it's probably one of the worst. They have kind of a power struggle. And then all of the other people in the mental hospital with Jack Nicholson are either totally comatose and not responsive, or they're flying off the handle in a rage and being violent.

SJ: One end of the spectrum or the other. Again with the extremes.

Megan: Yes, exactly. So it doesn't get into the depth and complexity that is mental illness. It doesn't really give voice to the people that it should, because it's more of a conflict between Jack Nicholson and the director of the facility. That's kind of the overall conflict going on there. So you kind of lose the nuance of mental illness, which is a big fat bummer. It was praised at the time for a lot of reasons. It's a good film. You know, it's definitely a good film. It's well worth your watch, so if you haven't seen it, go out and watch it. But problematic with mental health representation, as a lot of things are.

SJ: I'll definitely still keep it on my list to watch. It's one of those classics that... See, unfortunately, I didn't grow up with a TV. So when we finally had a TV in our house when I was in high school, ever since I've been constantly playing catch-up on watching the classics, and it's this never-ending thing. So that's one of those-- The Shining is another one, which you're gonna talk to me about next. That's another one I have not seen--

Megan: No shame.

SJ: --because I was deprived as a child. So I will let you take this one away, as well. We've got The Shining in 1980. Tell us about that.

Megan: Yeah, so-- [laughs] Sooo, The Shining. *Again*, Jack Nicholson.

SJ: Mm-hmm!

Megan: It's a really excellent film, I will say that. Also, it's a great film to watch right now, because it's about isolation. [laughs]

SJ: Oh, hey!

Megan: As we're all social distancing and stuck with our loved ones. If you're sharing a space with one or two people, this might feel similar.

SJ: Right. I haven't seen this movie, but I obviously know the scene where he's breaking down the door with an axe and his wife is screaming. Maybe not something to aspire to, in these times of isolation.

Megan: No.

SJ: But certainly something that we can maybe empathize with.

Megan: Yes. Absolutely.

SJ: Good to know.

Megan: So, The Shining depicts schizophrenia and OCD. With Jack Nicholson's character, he has a lot of-- And this is something that comes up with schizophrenia pretty often, I would say. It's something that comes up in A Beautiful Mind, as well. They like to depict visual hallucinations, instead of auditory. And auditory are a lot more common with schizophrenia. The Shining is a really great horror film. However, it's the violent trope again, and the physical change of Jack Nicholson's character. As he develops more with his psychosis, then it becomes more about his physical appearance changing. He's not the attractive guy that he was at the start of the movie. But there's a lot of cool symbolism and stuff in there. There's a cool hedge maze, which kind of denotes being trapped in his own mind, and things like that.

SJ: Sure. It is Stanley Kubrick, who I really admire as a filmmaker.

Megan: But as far as the schizophrenia diagnosis goes, they show-- And I get it, in film, you want to show more visual stuff. So I think that's why it's a common trope with showing schizophrenia on the screen - you show more visual hallucinations than are common. But it's also not super accurate. That's not the most common thing with schizophrenia, so...

SJ: Right. That's a good point about the medium. When you're working with a visual medium, your default is to show things. It's unfortunate that that lends itself to inaccuracy. But film is also a sound medium. You would think they could work with some aural cues and do some sound stuff. There is an Oscar for sound mixing. So it's not like it's outside their wheelhouse.

Megan: I feel like that would be more interesting, to be honest. Because then you kind of question like, "Wait, what is that? Where's that coming from?" And I think as a viewer, you're just kind of dropped more into the world a little bit, and it's more experiential for you. So I think that would be really cool.

SJ: No, totally. I agree. I think it just requires directors and writers to think outside the box and not get stuck in these well-trod paths. Just experiment a little, and in doing so, you can maybe do more justice to the thing you're presenting.

Megan: Yeah.

SJ: Okay, so Fatal Attraction after that, in 1987. This was an interesting one, when I started looking into it. Now, have you seen Fatal Attraction?

Megan: I've seen clips, and I know the premise.

SJ: So I have seen Fatal Attraction. I saw it many years ago. Alex, Glenn Close's character, is presented as having borderline personality disorder. And over the course of the movie, she becomes obsessed with Michael Douglas's character, stalks him, and in the most famous scene, boils his kid's pet rabbit in their kitchen. Now, what's interesting about Fatal Attraction is that, unlike every example we've talked about so far, this movie actually gets the symptoms of BPD technically correct - intense fear of abandonment, unstable/intense relationships, impulsive and risky behavior, suicidal threats or self-injury, intense mood swings... All of these behaviors are symptoms of BPD that are embodied in the character of Alex. But it's SO extreme, and she's SO violent - Again, those two big tropes, right? And the biggest problem with this film is that she is 100% the villain. We're never rooting for her. We are always thinking, "Poor Michael Douglas. He's being stalked by this crazy woman who's trying to kill him." Mental Health America has a good summary of it, and they write, "Because of its Oscar nominations, Fatal Attraction is one of the best-known illustrations of a person with a mental health condition in pop culture. The problem is that it's one of the most stigmatizing. By making the villain of the movie a person with a mental health condition (whose behavior is caused by that illness), we've enshrined mental illness as a villainous thing - a trait that belongs to people who need to be killed by 'good people'. Her actions are used to illustrate borderline personality disorder because they follow the textbook symptoms so completely. Her story arc mirrors the slasher movie villains of the time, right down to the 'he's not dead' jump at the end. At no time in the movie does anyone think to get her help, even when she attempts suicide, or even to call the police about her behavior. The movie never mentions mental health, except to call her a 'crazy bitch' repeatedly."

SJ: Another article I came across gave a little more context for this characterization: "To please 1980s test audiences, the movie avoided a possibly sympathetic backstory for Alex (that she was molested as a child) and stripped away any psychological complexity that could help explain why the character obsessively stalked a married man and targeted his family. The final ending the movie used - not the intended original - completed Alex's transformation into 'femme psycho-killer' and one of the screen's most memorable villains." Which is a really good way of summarizing what happens in that movie. Glenn Close actually has gone on record many times saying that she regrets that depiction of her character. She said, "That did nothing but feed into the stigma. They made her into a psychopath." She has a sister with bipolar and a nephew with schizoaffective disorder (which is elements of schizophrenia and a mood disorder), and she has since become an advocate for mental health. In 2009, she co-founded Bring Change to Mind, a nonprofit whose mission is to "encourage a more open and empathetic discussion of mental illness." So, good for her for owning her role in that movie. But also, to find out that she wanted a different ending for her character, and that it was like, the male director and these test audiences who were basically like, "No, we don't need to sympathize with her. She's just crazy" - That's so frustrating.

Megan: I agree. Ugh, man. I have read articles with Glenn Close talking about that.

SJ: She has also said that it would be way more interesting if that movie was remade today, from Alex's point of view. And I 100% agree.

Megan: Yes!

SJ: I think that's one of those classics that would definitely benefit from a modern retelling, with a perspective switch.

Megan: Agreed.

SJ: Maybe Hollywood is listening. Let's put it to the universe.

Megan: I like it.

SJ: So, moving along several years then, jumping to 2000. [apprehensive sigh] Oh, my God... Requiem for a Dream.

Megan: Yep.

SJ: Oh, boyyyyyyyy...

Megan: I know. And this is Darren Aronofsky, right?

SJ: It sure is.

Megan: And I-- I like Darren Aronofsky. I don't know how you feel about him.

SJ: You know, I have...I have complicated feelings about him.

Megan: That's fair.

SJ: I think some of his films are borderline brilliant. I also think that Jennifer Lawrence was too good to date him.

Megan: [laughs heartily]

SJ: I also don't understand why he wears a scarf constantly, as if his head will fall off if he doesn't. [Megan continues laughing] There's a lot of things about him that I just find very weird. He also directed Black Swan, which we might talk about later.

Megan: Oh, we gotta talk about Black Swan.

SJ: We should, we should. Yeah, he can be very polarizing, as a filmmaker.

Megan: He sure can.

SJ: [apprehensively] This... movie... [exasperated noise] Look, all I will say about this movie is that I watched it when I was too young--

Megan: Oh, no!

SJ: --it traumatized me, and I will literally never watch it again.

Megan: How old were you when you saw it?

SJ: Oh, probably...early teens.

Megan: Okay. I was like, "Please tell me you were at least a teenager."

SJ: Yeah, at least a teenager, but...

Megan: Still horrifying. Oh, yeah.

SJ: I mean, I think I would be scarred if I watched that movie for the first time now, honestly. I just remember it being really upsetting.

Megan: It's horrific. It really is.

SJ: I will never watch it again. I don't think I'm alone in feeling that way. I wish I had watched it when I was a little older, but I think this is a common feeling about that movie, right?

Megan: Yeah, no, I totally agree. I think that is a film that you watch *one time*. And then you're good, you know?

SJ: Yep. It's not one you buy on DVD. [laughs]

Megan: It's one of those that does scar you forever. I did own it on DVD.

SJ: [appalled] Oh my god! Why??

Megan: [breaks into laughter]

SJ: Why would you do that to yourself? My god. Masochist!

Megan: Because I was a sick, sick person. [both laughing] I don't know. I think I saw it for the first time in college. I was in film school at the time, doing film classes... Listen, it was a very-- maybe a more pretentious time in my life, and-- [both laugh]

SJ: Hey, fair enough. We all went through that 'pretentious film student' phase.

Megan: Yes, yes. I do think it's a very interesting depiction of addiction.

SJ: Okay. Do tell.

Megan: Okay, so you've got a couple of different storylines that are going on, right? Oh my God, and I don't remember anybody's name right now. So, sorry about it.

SJ: I mean, I just remember the actors.

Megan: I don't even remember the actors. [laughing] So, that's where I'm at.

SJ: Okay, you've got Jared Leto as, like, the main guy. You've got Jennifer Connelly...

Megan: That's right.

SJ: ...as the cocaine addict? One of the other addicts. And then the poor little old lady-- I want to say it's Ellen Burstyn, but I'm going to look it up real quick [computer keys clacking in background]-- who gets...

Megan: On diet pills, right? [squeals]

SJ: ...addicted to diet pills. That was, like, the saddest storyline. I had such a hard time with that, 'cause I just felt so sorry for this little lady.

Megan: Yeah.

SJ: It is Ellen Burstyn, by the way.

Megan: You've got coke, heroin, and diet pills, are the three. And it's different addiction storylines for each person. With Jennifer Connelly's line, it's that she ends up soliciting herself for drugs. With Jared Leto's line, he ends up getting an amputation from an infected wound...

SJ: I forgot about that! That wasn't even the most horrific thing, in my mind! I completely forgot about it! [Megan laughing] Or maybe it was so horrific that my mind was just like, "Nope!"

Megan: Oh, that was the most horrific scene.

SJ: Honestly, I probably blocked it out. But that does happen, yes, it sure does. I just remember the little old lady vacuuming her room on speed, and that has stuck with me.

Megan: [blows out a heavy breath]

SJ: Every single storyline is just so deeply, um... [brief silence] fucked up! [laughs]

Megan: Yeah, exactly. And I think this is where you get the 'no recovery'...

SJ: Yep.

Megan: ...Everything is really severe...

SJ: Mm-hmm.

Megan: And I think part of this was to showcase how much of an issue addiction is, and how it can make you become a totally different person, blah, blah, blah. I think now we understand that addiction is a mental illness, at least, in society that I like to be a part of. I think some people still have a problem with that, are still like, "It's a choice." Which, you know, I mean, on some level - yes, we're responsible for our choices. But on another very different level, there's a lot of things like genetics that play a huge role in addiction.

SJ: Sure.

Megan: My biggest issue with Aronofsky is I feel like he's so brilliant sometimes, his work is so beautiful, the style with which he directs is phenomenal--

SJ: Oh, he's got style for days.

Megan: He does! He does. And it makes it really cool to watch.

SJ: Oh, yeah. I mean, Black Swan is, like, fucking incredible to look at.

Megan: I know!

SJ: His movies are so visually incredible.

Megan: Yes. But then it's like, "Oh my god, what am I watching?!" [laughing] You know?

SJ: No, I hear you. The content of it, the storyline, the actual ramifications for these characters... And it's the same with Black Swan, honestly. I'm seeing a pattern here.

Megan: Uh-huh.

SJ: The end message that you're left with as a viewer, for both Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan, is just so garbled and kind of trash!

Megan: Yeah.

SJ: In Requiem for a Dream, there's no hope of recovery. You're going to fall into this downward spiral of self-destruction, you're going to end up ho'ing yourself out, or amputated, or trapped in your living room, hallucinating and talking to your TV. There's no escape. It's a theme with him, where he doesn't like to give his characters an out. He's instead more interested in the visual style.

Megan: Yeah, I think he really likes to focus on 'How fucked up can I make this movie?'

SJ: "How far can I take this?"

Megan: Exactly. It is that sensationalism. I think it's focusing on 'How can I make this story the most outrageous that I can, within the confines of this really beautiful storytelling?' It's packaged just right. But it's...it's really horrific. I agree, there's no recovery. Everybody is their worst selves in that movie. When you watch Jared Leto steal his grandma's TV to sell--

SJ: [pitifully] I knowww.

Megan: --I was like, [agonized] "Oh, God. She has to buy it all over again." And they go through this, it seems like every couple of months.

SJ: It's soooo sad.

Megan: So that's Requiem for a Dream! [laughs]

SJ: That is Requiem for a Dream. Oh my god. I'll never watch it again. I'll never put myself through it. But that's also another common thread with Aronofsky's movies - I feel *bad* after I watch all of them.

Megan: Oh, yeah.

SJ: This movie, Black Swan, Mother - They all leave me feeling gross. And at a certain point, I'm like, "Why would I put myself through that?" But again, the-- Mm, the style! It slaps.

Megan: I know.

SJ: Argh! I wish it didn't. You know what this movie actually reminds me of? It really screams those anti-pot messages that we were hearing in the 1950s. What am I thinking of? Uhh, Reefer Madness! It screams Reefer Madness. I don't know if you've ever watched the original?

Megan: I HAVE WATCHED IT! IT'S AMAZING! [both laughing]

SJ: There you go! Oh my god, I'll never forget that scene of the girl slowly walking down the hallway, pondering what she's gonna do-- And then she THROWS HERSELF OUT THE WINDOW! [laughing] Because she smoked one joint and her life is now ruined. That movie is bonkers. But this movie was like the 1990s version, or the 2000 version, of Reefer Madness a little bit.

Megan: It was! It's so extreme!

SJ: It's really reductive in a lot of ways, too. For someone who's such a "visionary" filmmaker, I can't believe that [Aronofsky] fell back on this 'Drugs will ruin your life' kind of propaganda that we've seen since the '50s and '60s. I just don't get it!

Megan: I don't either.

SJ: It's such a 'Don't do drugs' message. Like, 'Just Say No.' Do you think Nancy Reagan put up money for this movie? [laughs]

Megan: [jokingly] She's got a producing credit. It's minor, it's fine. [both laugh] Should we move on to our next movie?

SJ: Yes. Much less feel-bad is A Beautiful Mind, which came out just the year after, 2001.

Megan: Yes. And I put this on the bad list, however, I feel like it's probably debatable. It does follow the story of John Nash, who did actually have schizophrenia. Russell Crowe's the main character in this one. It's a good movie, I think it's solid. There's just some problematic elements. Some of it I've already mentioned, like the visual hallucinations. That was not the case for John Nash. John Nash did not have visual hallucinations, he had auditory hallucinations. And they chose not to portray that. They made it a more extreme example, they made it a more severe example, of what John Nash was dealing with, as well. And my big issue with A Beautiful Mind is that they show that he is hospitalized at one point, but they don't say he stops working, that this affects his life...

SJ: Yeah, he's still a math professor, right? Throughout the whole thing?

Megan: Yeah. It tackles a little bit of his personal life, for sure. There's scenes with his wife and his child, things like that. But I don't feel like it gets at how mental illness really does impact the different areas of your life. I think they wanted to make it like, "Hey. Even if you have schizophrenia, man, you're gonna do okay." Which is...good-- I mean, that's hella more refreshing than a lot of the other stuff we've talked about, right?

SJ: Right, much better than the 'no hope' thing.

Megan: Exactly. They talk about recovery, they talk about medication, they talk about treatment - All good things. However, they don't show the very real struggle that was years and years. It's on a very condensed timeline of, 'He went to the mental hospital for like a week, and they told him to do medication, then he's better.' It's not that simple. So, it's just that simplification piece that really helped me put this in the negative category. There's not those layers that need to be there for me, in order for me to say it's a *good* mental health representation.

SJ: That's fair. It is still kind of romanticizing it in a way that's not helpful. It's not maybe as damaging as some of the other tropes, but it's still not accurate.

Megan: Right.

SJ: Just a year or so later, we got the TV show Monk, which we have talked about a little bit here already. That was on the air from 2000 to 2009. I never really watched it, but I've seen clips and promos. And every promo I've seen is like, "Isn't it so funny how every [object] has to be in its place? And he's such a good detective because he has OCD!"

SJ: The whole thing is very gimmicky. And that's what I had an issue with and why I never really watched it. But you actually watched the show and enjoyed it, right?

Megan: I did. I was watching it, I think, as it came out. So, I would have been in middle school, early high school. Again, I love terrible detective shows. I don't know what's wrong with me.

SJ: We all have our guilty pleasures.

Megan: Right? I can't help myself. It's just what I like.

SJ: No shade.

Megan: But anyhoo. No, I watched Monk when it was coming out and I really enjoyed it. And it was definitely that trope of using mental illness as a comedic element. It's also one of those where if you were to take out the OCD, you would not have a show.

SJ: Yeaaaah. That's a problem.

Megan: Yep.

SJ: Because again, people are not their diagnosis. They have lives outside of this. They have lives outside of their therapists office, and outside their jobs. Everyone has so many different dimensions to their lives and to their identity. To pigeonhole them into this one thing and say, "You are your diagnosis" is so harmful for people, and might make them afraid of getting that diagnosis - Which can be helpful, as we'll talk about with Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

Megan: [gasps in excitement] Yes, absolutely. With Monk, that's the main issue for me, is that if you were to take that diagnosis away, that's the major plot points every episode. We also talked about how it's untreatable, which is another issue, right? Monk goes in-- I think you see him in his therapists office almost every episode.

SJ: Really?

Megan: Yeah. And he makes zero progress. I mean, he is *the same*. I think he develops as a character a little bit, but his diagnosis, his treatment, and his mental illness does not seem to change.

SJ: That's so interesting that they would go through the trouble of having him be in his therapist's office every episode, but not allow him to do the work, to not allow it to progress in any way. That's such a weird writing decision. I'm also wondering, his therapist in the show - would they fall into that trope of therapists being a joke? Or are they more like the 'straight man' to Monk's 'funny man'?

Megan: Straight man.

SJ: Okay, gotcha.

Megan: In this show, it seems like the therapist knows what they're doing.

SJ: Interesting.

Megan: The other thing with Monk is that, sometimes in showing mental illness on the screen, we use it almost as like a superpower. We kind of amplify some of those things, so that his hyper-awareness that comes with OCD and his extreme attention to detail become almost this positive, like, "Well, if he didn't have [OCD], then he wouldn't be able to be such an amazing detective." Which is fine, in some ways. But also, that's kind of bastardizing what a mental illness is, and that there's very real consequences that go along with having those [compulsions] when you have OCD. And it is an obsessive compulsion to do X, Y, and Z. *That* doesn't feel like a superpower.

SJ: Not at all. And that touches on something I'd like to revisit when we talk about a movie like The Hours, which is when you show people with mental illness being creative or being really good at their jobs, I think that's really important. But at the same time, when you're only portraying it as a gift to the world, that's a problem. Because the day to day reality for the person with that illness is that it doesn't feel like a gift. It feels like an enormous curse and a burden and something that they might not survive. OCD, I don't have it, but I have talked to people who do, and it sounds *horrible*. They're constantly second guessing themselves. They have to quadruple check dates and times, and everything has to be confirmed a certain number of times in a row. It's so tedious, it's so exhausting for them. And it's something that they are compelled to do everyday. It does not sound fun.

Megan: No.

SJ: And it is not funny for them in it. So, a show like Monk just kind of feels like it's making light of the daily struggle that people with OCD actually have.

Megan: And with some of these disorders, too, I think when we say these things, almost as a colloquial term - When people are like, "[high-pitched voice] Oh, I'm so OCD! I do this, that, and the other!"

SJ: [exasperated sigh] Don't get me started on that.

Megan: Right? I'm like-- I'm a little triggered by it. [laughs] I don't love it.

SJ: Mm-hmm.

Megan: I really don't like it when people do that shit. And they do it with "bipolar" all the time, too.

SJ: Yep.

Megan: Ugh, god. And when you do that shit with somebody who has that diagnosis, let me just tell you - It's really awful for that person. You know?

SJ: Yeah.

Megan: So, listeners, this is my PSA for the episode--

SJ: Yes, please!

Megan: Check your language around mental illness. Because I think people do it totally unintentionally. I don't think it's meant with harm or ill intent, by any stretch. I think it's just something that has kind of gotten looped into our language, as a culture. But it's not okay. And, like, you need to stop. [laughs]

SJ: Cosigned.

Megan: Please don't do it! Don't say diagnoses like they are *traits* that you have.

SJ: Thank you, yes. I wonder how you feel about the word "crazy"? I find myself saying, like, "That's crazy!" all the time. And I know that's one of those words that some people are very sensitive to. So I've tried not to use it as much. But it has become such a commonly used term in our everyday language, I find it almost unavoidable.

Megan: Yeah.

SJ: Especially when you're talking about politics right now. [laughing] I mean-- that is actually crazy! I don't know any other word to describe it. And maybe I just need to pick up a thesaurus. But there's nothing [else] that quite captures what I'm trying to say, or what I'm feeling about a situation. How do you feel about that word?

Megan: No, I-- I think it's a really good point. I'm glad you brought it up. It's something that I've tried to be more conscious of, too. I'm a trainer for a program called Youth Mental Health First Aid. It's a national program. And we talk about language. And we talked about the term "crazy" in that class, actually, because it can feel so stigmatizing. And it can feel not great to people who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses, specifically, I would say, because at some point, somebody has told them that they're crazy. And that is really harmful. But I think you just have to know the difference between connotation and denotation, you know what I mean? Like, I think if you say that things in the political landscape are crazy, that's very different than calling a person crazy because of their behavior.

SJ: Oh, sure. Yeah.

Megan: It's more when it's that direct usage that I have an issue with it.

SJ: Gotcha.

Megan: I try not to say the word "crazy" as much either. I'm trying to replace it with the word "wild", because that feels a little bit better to me.

SJ: Same, I'm definitely trying to use that one more. But you're right, connotation and denotation is really important. I definitely don't go around calling people crazy. It's always about a situation, like, "This thing that happened to me was crazy!" It's always very abstract, and that's probably less harmful. But it is a word that I'm watching out for, and we should all probably just try to use a little less.

Megan: Totally.

SJ: Let's go to our last problematic example, which is... [sighs] Oh, [sarcastically] the *beloved* 13 Reasons Why, which came out in 2017. It's a Netflix series that is somehow still on the air...

Megan: Yeah!

SJ: Uhhhh... Where do we start with this show? [both laugh] I guess we kind of touched on it in our first segment on tropes, because it plays into a lot of those, as you were saying. I also went to a pop culture conference, and there was an entire panel on allllll the ways that this show *fucked up* and how--

Megan: [claps] [bursts out laughing]

SJ: I'm not even kidding you! An entire panel!

Megan: I love that.

SJ: It was just paper after paper, citing all these studies - "It did this, and it did this, and it neglected to do this. And *this* was the real-world consequence."

Megan: Yeah.

SJ: And I mean, in my very first episode, I referenced the fact that this show caused something like a 30% increase in the number of teen suicides-- was it the month or so after its debut?

Megan: I believe so, yeah.

SJ: It is something staggering like that. You can look up these studies. The real-world harm of this show has been well-documented. *And* the show is still on the air.

Megan: Yeah.

SJ: Um... [pause] [clicks tongue] [sardonically] How does that make you feel?

Megan: It's pretty-- it's pretty messed up. And I think one of the bigger issues for me is that if you're tackling a difficult topic like this, number one: Get somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing in the field.

SJ: Right?!

Megan: Like, please. And have them inform you on this stuff, because...

SJ: How-- Why couldn't they have an on-set counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist-- any number of "-ists" to be on set? Any number of authorities who could give them some pointers. Most shows and movies that deal with this type of thing will at least have that. I couldn't believe that they didn't at least do the bare minimum of that. And then, the other thing I couldn't believe they didn't do is offer any resources before--

Megan: Yeah, the warning?

SJ: Yeah! Those warnings that you see at the beginning or end of episodes that deal with suicide. Most shows are so good about that, because it's literally the lowest bar to cross. All you have to do is put some on-screen text with the national suicide hotline number. It is so easy to do.

Megan: Yeah, they don't do a trigger warning at the beginning, and they don't do a resourcing at the end. And those are both huge problems. I think one of the issues that Netflix ran into with that, is that if you are bingeing it, they have the autoplay...

SJ: Hmm...

Megan: That was one thing that I've thought of in the past, and I was like, "Maybe they had an issue with that?" But that's-- that's a problem! You've gotta include that in your wrap time then, if that's the case.

SJ: Uh, yeah. There are ways around that that don't require much work. That's not an excuse.

Megan: No, it's a pretty minimal bar.

SJ: It really is. It just makes me feel like they were willfully thumbing their nose at not only the standards of television shows that have come before that deal with sensitive subject matters, but it was almost like, "We're too cool for those warnings," or something like that. I get a really bad sense about the creators of this show. And the fact that it hasn't been canceled, despite the number of studies that have been done, despite the outcry from parents whose children have attempted or committed suicide because of this show... I don't understand how it's still on air. How is Netflix okay with this?

Megan: You know, I'm pretty sensitive about this show because of the work that I do. And it is something that I've-- I've had multiple kids bring up that show.

SJ: Really, have you?

Megan: Yeah. It's usually regarding self-harm. It's usually regarding suicidal ideation.

SJ: [bracingly] Oh, boy...

Megan: Yeah, no, it's really serious stuff usually. And I've had a number of kids who've attempted, and I've had to do some hospitalizations with kids, and it's really scary. It's a horrific thing. Those are-- Those are the worst parent phone calls I ever make, is telling them, "Hey, I think we're gonna have to hospitalized your kid."

SJ: That's awful.

Megan: When the show came out, I had just started my position at the school, and everyone was watching it, and it was so glamorized, and the kids loved that show. They loved it. It's gross to me, because I think they felt so seen and so heard by the main character's struggle - by Hannah Baker and her struggle - and I think they want to see themselves in this stuff. And then to come to that conclusion that, 'Okay, well, the only conclusion that's worth drawing is to kill yourself'...

SJ: Oof.

Megan: You know, that-- that's the message that our *children* are walking away with. And I mean, I was working with seventh and eighth graders who were talking about this stuff. This is like twelve, thirteen years old.

SJ: [breathes] Oh my God.

Megan: Yeah. Um, I had a kid who had self-harmed in school, I had to go get him stitches. And he referenced this show too, and I was like--

SJ: Oh my god!

Megan: “--Great." [laughs drily]

SJ: This is sooo fucked up.

Megan: It is.

SJ: Wow. I mean, you're really confirming all the stories I've heard, counselors saying, "Yeah, I've had so many kids come to me and talk to me about this show." To hear you confirm it from your own experience is really hitting home. And I can only imagine how helpless you must feel, knowing that this show is on the air, and you can't stop these kids from watching it. But you're the one who has to deal with the fallout - you and these kids' parents. It's just-- [sympathetic sigh] I can't even wrap my head around it.

Megan: No, it's really hard. And I think the worst cases I had were the ones that were the closest to Hannah's story. And by that, I mean kids who experienced sexual assault or rape, and then also had some suicidal ideation because of that trauma. The ones who really closely identified with her... Those were the roughest cases. Absolutely. And again, we're talking about how representation is so important - It's something that you bring up on your podcast all the time. And to see a young girl going through something of that caliber, that, you know, they've probably never talked to anybody about this stuff before. Talking about sexual assault and rape is, shockingly, not a fun topic, right? It's a really hard thing to disclose. And when you're finally able to voice that, and then no one hears you, or believes you... That's the issue, you know? And I think they identified so closely with that, which is horrifying. The last thing I want a kid going out of my office saying is, "Well, Megan didn't believe me." So the counseling aspect of that show really bothered the fuck out of me, to be totally honest. Because it just-- It zaps your credibility. It zaps your ability to have that relationship with kids and have them trust you.

SJ: I can only imagine. What a frustrating position to be in.

Megan: [sighs] Yeah.

SJ: So then, what do you tell kids that come to you, who are talking about this show, saying that it's encouraging them to self-harm, or they're thinking about suicide? How do you deal with that? What do you tell them? And does anything get through? Media is powerful, so I can imagine it would be really hard to combat the messages that they've already been receiving through the show.

Megan: Something you're taught when you go to school for this kind of stuff is just checking reality, I guess, is the best way to put it. If a kid comes in saying, "Well, clearly, the only answer is to kill myself," being like, "Well... I hear what you're saying there, sure. And also, what makes you say that? What makes you think that the only way out is through killing yourself? Why do you feel that way? Tell me more about what's brought you in today for that reason." So kind of getting at the motivations and the core values and things like that, and picking apart what is it that really brought them in and is making them feel that gravity of the situation, that extreme.

SJ: Right. 'Cause it can be so easy to get sucked into that negative thought spiral. And once you have it in your head, it can be all-consuming. You really need someone who is outside of your experience, a third party coming in and being like, "Well, hold on. Let's re-examine the situation from an omniscient perspective," and kind of challenging your view on things, which can become warped.

Megan: Right.

SJ: Now, you read the book - Was that recently? Do you remember the book very well?

Megan: No, it was probably like seven years ago, that I read the book. So, it's been a minute.

SJ: Fair enough. Do you remember the book having similar messaging? Or do you think the show took some liberties?

Megan: I think the book is very similar. I mean, the counseling piece that I told you about was in the book. So that's horrifying to me.

SJ: Yeah, that's bad.

Megan: Because I've read other... A lot of times kids will recommend books to me, like Y.A. stuff, and I'll read it, so I know what the hell they're doing. And there's plenty of other stuff that has decent representations of mental health in it. There's a book called Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock that is actually a pretty decent depiction of mental health. Also a suicidal kid, and there's a homicidality/suicidality component to it, so there's the threat of some school violence and stuff. But that one - I read the afterward in it and holy shit, they had so many psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, therapists on board with this.

SJ: Good!

Megan: And they did a really good job of showing symptomology throughout, which was really interesting. So I'm hoping that kids pick up things like that instead. [laughs] And it ends positively, with the kid getting help.

SJ: Oh, good. That's the exact kind of thing that we need more of. That's good to know there is something positive out there.

Megan: And apart from all of [what we mentioned], looking at the actual mental health represented in [13 Reasons Why], statistically speaking, completing suicide with self-harm, by cutting your arms open - That is not super common. Okay? And also, it's not super common for girls to die that way. I'm just thinking if you're showing a suicidal teenager, and you're showing a girl committing suicide-- And I should say "completed suicide." That's the language you want to use, not "committed." "Completed." I'm still working on my lingo. It's years of built-up rhetoric trying to get out of there.

SJ: Oh, sure, yeah.

Megan: So, we're not perfect either. [both chuckle] We're doing our best, guys. But when we're talking about teenagers and suicide completions, that's probably not the way that it would go down, statistically speaking. So, I don't think it's a super accurate representation. And I'm trying to remember if she had made any attempts before... I don't think that was the case, though, either.

SJ: And that's really uncommon too, right? Most people who complete suicide have attempted a number of times.

Megan: Yes.

SJ: It usually doesn't happen out of nowhere.

Megan: No, no. There's usually signs, yeah. And so, the fact that it missed all of the symptomology - That's a problem for me. That's why I liked that other book. I think it showed the progression of mental illness and the progression of getting to that point of feeling like they wanted to take their life. It's a very serious feeling! It doesn't come out of nowhere.

SJ: Yeah, exactly.

Megan: There is a certain impulsivity with youth that definitely contributes to that. But no, I don't think it was a very accurate representation, though. The other thing with this, when I talk to kids about this stuff - You cannot demonize this show.

SJ: Oh, they won't hear it.

Megan: So, if we've got parents listening, and you're going to try and talk to your kid about this, I suggest really not going hard in the paint against this show. Because it will not go well for you.

SJ: [trying not to laugh] Oh my God.

Megan: Because kids really relate to it! You need to come at it from like, "Okay, I hear what you're saying. I hear why you like the show. Let me bring up some questions." That's the approach I would suggest. 'Cause I've talked to a number of kids about how it's problematic-- and I'm not their parent, you know. They're automatically going to hate you, as the parent, coming at it from a 'This isn't good for you' [standpoint]. So I would just caution: If you're going to have that conversation... Go gently.

SJ: Seriously. That show is such a good example of the scarcity of good representation for young people. They don't have many shows that they can watch and feel like they relate to the characters, or see characters that experience things like them, so they're latching onto this show because it's all they have.

Megan: Yep.

SJ: That is a huge part of the problem. And if we had more representation that was real and honest and relatable for kids, that they could recognize themselves in, they wouldn't be so quick to jump on-board the first thing that comes along, even if it tells them to kill themselves! It really does boil down to representation.

Megan: That's exactly right. And I think that's why your podcast is so important and why we need to have these discussions. We need to talk about representation of minorities, of LGBTQ people of color. We need to be telling these stories and let them have representation of *themselves*, right? Like, you shouldn't have to always relate to a white dude on a screen. Sorry, you just shouldn't have to do that.

SJ: Exactly. I'm really looking forward to talking about and contrasting this show to something like Euphoria.

Megan: Yassssss.

SJ: Because I think it is leaps and bounds ahead of this show. You know, it pushes some boundaries, but it centers a queer black girl, who struggles with mental illness, who is dealing with just being a teenage kid also-- It's doing all the things. And that's why I really like it, but we'll get into that later. But yeah, this show just makes me super appreciative for things like Euphoria... [sing-song voice] even though I can't think of anything else like it!

Megan: Uhh, yeah...

SJ: I say, "things like," but that's about it.

Megan: For real, for real.

SJ: Just looking back over these problematic examples that we've gone through, what jumps out to you about gender representation and how it relates to mental illness?

Megan: When I'm looking at films like Psycho and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The Shining, all of those films have the main character as a man. All of them also have a component of violence to them, and I think that is something that is really played out - That mentally ill men are violent. And that is, again, not the case. Does it happen? Yes. But typically, again, mentally ill people are victims of violence and not perpetrators. It's also all white dudes.

SJ: It really is, and that is a glaring issue. I mean, this list could not be whiter. Uhhh, I don't think there's a person of color in... Let's see, nope, nope, nope, nope... I don't know all the characters in 13 Reasons Why, but I know the two main characters that I've seen are both white... Yeah, there's not a character of color in any of these.

Megan: That's like a main cast character.

SJ: Yeah, no main characters.

Megan: In Requiem for a Dream there is a person of color that plays a significant role, but I...

SJ: Wait, the drug dealer??

Megan: Yeah. Yeah!

SJ: [laughing] Oh God, that's such *great* representation!

Megan: [laughing] I know. I was like, "Do I even mention this?"

SJ: That is not the racial representation that I'm looking for.

Megan: No.

SJ: Fail! Yeah, it's bad. Normally, I would say [the whiteness of this list] is probably the result of some bias on our part, as white people. But in this case, I think that's saying more about Hollywood. Apart from Tony Shalhoub, who is of Lebanese descent, but I think is often cast and read as white-- Other than him, yeah, it's all white guys. And we'll talk a little more about race when we get into our good examples, for sure. You know, the other thing is, looking over this list, a lot of these men with mental illness - You mentioned that a lot of them are violent, but I also see this trend of men with mental illnesses fairly often portrayed as geniuses, in something like A Beautiful Mind, Monk; whereas women with mental illnesses are kind of portrayed as just destructive, either to themselves or others, like in Fatal Attraction or 13 Reasons Why. I wonder if you agree with that.

Megan: I would agree with that. Yeah, absolutely. I think that they're considered destructive. I think something that also commonly plays out when you're showing women with mental illness is that they're overly sexualized.

SJ: Yes.

Megan: There are certain mental illnesses that do get at sexualization, but like Fatal Attraction?! [lets out a laugh/sigh]

SJ: No, totally. That's a prime example. And we didn't get into Skins, but that falls into the same trap. So, yeah, it's a thing.

[to you] We'll pause our discussion there for now. Next time, it's going to be much less of a downer, as Megan and I get into some of our favorite *positive* examples. I hope you'll join us then.

[up-beat outro music kicks in]

What are some of your favorite good and bad portrayals of mental illness? Tweet at me, @popculty or email the show at [email protected]. You can support the show by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, or by becoming a patron for as little as $2 a month. With your help we can keep this show awesome and ad-free. Time to shout out our newest patrons - Alexandra, Lisa, and Zack. You three have been amazing friends, especially this past year, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support, both through the podcast and just personally. As always, a huge thank-you to our sustaining patrons - Suzy, Mary, and Alexandra. The Popculty Podcast is produced and edited by yours truly. Cover art by Max Badger. Until next time: Support women directors, stay critical, and demand representation. ✊

[music fades out]

#the popculty podcast #podcasts #mental health #representation #psycho #one flew over the cuckoo's nest #the shining #fatal attraction #requiem for a dream #a beautiful mind #monk #13 reasons why #mental illness #addiction #tropes #transcript #glenn close #darren aronofsky #forgive me leonard peacock

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therappundit · 4 years

Text

Best of the 1st Half: 2020′s Best Rap Projects (*so far*)...

“I’ve had, the halftime of my life...!”

*record scratch*

2020, WHAT THE F**K. 😳

Ohhh what a first half it has been. If 2020 ended today, it would still be one of the most historic years in a century...and NOT in a pleasant way. Years from now 2020 will be studied for the long-term damage caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, the potential breaking point (hopefully??) of this country’s ignorance to systematic racism and the need for a complete overhaul of our police departments, and of course, whatever the hell comes from the November Presidential election....and, not to mention whatever additional ‘tbd’ chaos rings in the second half of ‘20 that we haven’t even heard about yet!? These are trying times, folks.

My whole life, I have tried to use humor and entertainment to help me with processing high levels of stress and anxiety. This year, that process has felt more daunting than usual. I am writing less and less, and often find Twitter to be too dark of a place for me to navigate. It’s anything but a fulfilling “escape”. Still, I am constantly inspired by all of the new music that fills my headspace during life’s precious little moments, and it really keeps me grounded in the day to day.

At the end of 2019, I wrote the below in one of my posts. It took me back to a special feeling that I had, at a moment when the future seemed more like an opportunity, rather than a worrisome question mark. I’m going to work towards finding that place again, and I wanted to re-share this because it speaks to how the love of any art can be a healthy reminder of what we have to be thankful for in our daily lives:

“Regardless of how you feel about this list, I hope that you visit (or re-visit) any one of these pieces of strong work and find the same level of enjoyment that I did. I loved so much rap music this year and I could not be more excited about what the future holds. On a personal note, in 2019 I found myself even more in love with my wife, feeling luckier than I have in a long time, more satisfied with my hobbies and passions, and above all else, more in awe of my child (and anyone that ever raised a child) than ever before. I became a father for the first time in 2019, so as my baby daughter continues to fill my heart, I am beginning to wonder what she will think of her father’s love for this art form that has brought him so much joy over the years…I suppose time will tell.”

This list is long, because I think the talent that went into these projects is worth your time (and I put a lot of thought into creating this list as well...I do not work in the industry or know anyone that does, and I do not have any real platform - I just do this because I love the music).

If you are an artist on this list, I want to thank you, because you helped me stay positive and focused on a brighter future that I hope will soon come to us all...because everyone has been through something this year, and we deserve better. So salute to you and many, many others. 🙏🙏🙏

- THE Rap Pundit

The “Rules” for my list of the Best Projects of Q1-Q2 2020:

- the album/mixtape/EP/project/whatever you want to call it had to be released this year, by June 26, 2020

- the project must have at least 6 songs

- these rankings are a combination of my own personal preference, my take on overall quality of the project (whether it speaks deeply to my sensibilities or not), and how the final product compares to other work from the artists’ peers that occupy the same lane/‘sub-genre’ of rap music

So here we go 👀...

1. The Price of Tea in China by Boldy James and The Alchemist

Sometimes the greatest albums are not the most ambitious or flashy, they are remembered based off the strength of artistic chemistry and execution. Basketball fans know the beauty of a perfectly timed chest pass to a teammate streaking towards the basket can be more impressive than a behind the back pass that’s simply done for the sake of showing everyone that you can do a fancy pass. Staying with that theme, The Price of Tea in China is The Alchemist doing his best John Stockton impression, serving to Boldy James’ Karl Malone, and by album’s end you realize that Boldy scored a quiet 40 points while making this rap shit look like an easy lay-up.

TPOTIC finds Boldy sprinkling every ounce of his Detroit seasoning into Al’s pot to yield one of the most Mobb Deep-esque collaboration albums since Mobb Deep was dropping albums. In turn, this project is not only Boldy’s greatest work, but it serves as a re-introduction of a veteran MC that is suddenly more relevant than ever. Much like what Freddie Gibbs and Madlib did with 2019′s Bandana, this project is a great lesson on what MC and Producer chemistry can sound like when both parties are 100% on the same page when it comes to message, tone, and aesthetic goals.

It would make sense that Boldy James would fall into the Griselda fold, because much like Westside Gunn, Conway The Machine and Benny The Butcher, he comes from a city with a rich rap music scene that still struggles to reach the level of exposure that the NYCs, L.A.’s, Chicago's and Atlanta’s have basked in for so long. He writes from a place of “been there, done that”, showing a rich attention to detail that separates his street tales from that of his peers in the same way someone telling a story second or third hand can’t match the level of detail that an eye witness has saved in the memory bank. Boldy has survived both real world and music business challenges to rise from the ashes of “hey whatever happened to so & so, he was about to blow” conversations to reach a new peak in his mid-30′s. He deserved this suite of incredible Alchemist soundscapes (Al is deep in his bag here, delivering some of his most low-key impressive instrumentals in years), and like his super-producer buddy, Boldy is looking down at us from atop an already prolific 2020 at its’ midpoint.

I’m not sure anyone can match the chemistry that Prodigy and Mobb Deep had with The Alchemist, but in 2020, The Price of Tea in China delivers some of the most brutally subdued, occasionally humorous, stripped down rap records since P was throwing TV’s at us like he had nothing left to lose. If The Price of Tea in China isn’t holding the championship at year’s end, it still deserves to be mentioned as an impressive work by one of the strongest title-worthy unions running the pick and roll in the genre today.

2. Àdá Irin by Navy Blue

Okay let’s be honest: the “sub-genre” that is often referred to as lo-fi rap music (whether you consider it an actual lane or not, I know you know what I’m talking about...which I suppose proves its’ existence, right?), is beginning to suffer from the same affliction that all other sub-genres tend to suffer from once the word is out that this is “the thing” that the kids find trendy right now. A lot of folks in this lane sound *exactly* the same to the average listener. I’m not even the average listener, and I often feel that way. The irony that comes with being part of the sound that’s supposed to be bucking the mainstream clone machine turning into a mini-clone machine itself, means that the window is in danger of closing to avoid over-saturation of the artists that are already thriving between the gravelly, whisper-welcoming walls of Soundcloud URLs and Bandcamp EPs being slid to their heady fanbase with zero promotion. So with that all being said...why give Navy Blue a chance?

Navy Blue lacks the name recognition of many of his peers (for now), but he has now been thriving in the lo-fi pocket for some time as both a MC and producer, a young artist that’s closely connected to the lane’s most famous figureheads (Earl Sweatshirt, and to some extent, Mach-Hommy), as well as less heralded trailblazers like MIKE and the whole sLUms collective. Sure you can check out Navy’s Soundcloud page to get a taste of his work, but with this Àdá Irin album, we don’t just hear raw snippets of a freshly discovered unsigned talent. With this album we hear Navy as a self-assured solo artist, capable of sharing an inspirational song with the likes of Ka and sounding like every bit of the veteran next to the iconic soft-spoken lyricist. This is a very, very impressive debut full length album that showcases the best that the (sub)genre has to offer: some experimentation, jazzy loops, the diary-like intimacy of words that sit like dust on an old basement book shelf, and the raw emotions that come from working through love, pain and loss in real time. In 2020 there may be nothing completely new under the sun, but it’s the aesthetic choices that Navy Blue makes with every verse and every instrumental that make Àdá Irin feel like a perfect balance of beauty and sadness. If you want to dip a toe in this water but you’re not sure you can get into the mumblecore-ish world of MIKE, MAVI, Medhane or Earl’s work from the past two years, this Navy Blue album might actually be the perfect intro.

3. A Written Testimony by Jay Electronica (featuring JAY-Z)

Not a lot of positive breaking news in 2020...but when Jay Electronica surprised Twitter with a few cryptic Tweets back in February, implying that he was dropping an album (and Jay-Z would likely be involved), the rap game was set ablaze with excitement, skepticism, disbelief, and hope (albeit with some measured caution there as well).

This is something that fans, and arguably the entire rap world, had been clamoring for for a decade, many long since moving on believing that Jay Elec’s debut album had gone the way of Detox, sharing “1a & 1b” status as the most eagerly anticipated projects none of us seriously expected to hear.

Then it dropped....and then it went. In a Twitter-run rap world, quality is too often measured by how long a piece of art stays within the “trending” mix, as opposed to...well, whether or not it’s actually good! The truth is, A Written Testimony is not just good, it’s very, very good, and while it’s not the “Illmatic 2″ that some may have been expecting, realistically it’s superior to what I imagined a new project from such a reclusive artist would sound like in 2020. If you at least try to table the expectations laid out when “Exhibit C” came out in 2009...I think you will find a project (it’s up to you whether or not you want to count this a “solo debut” or not, but at this point, it’s new Jay Electronica - can we just leave it at that??) stacked with memorable moments, quotable gems throughout, stellar production (this is one of the best produced projects of 2020 by far, not sure how/why this piece of the puzzle would receive anything less than acclaim), and some moments of questionable preaching made more palatable by a strong overall voice and package.

Jay Electronica raps with conviction throughout, and while the project feels brief, it lasts long enough to be more than a quick feeling, even if many feel that it’s not long enough to feel like a full album. If "Exhibit C" was the teaser then this is the redband trailer, flashing enough skill and details to resonate for far longer than its’ duration. Much has been said about the heavy hand of JAY-Z on most of the project’s 7 tracks, but let’s be clear, this is not Watch The Throne 2 (even though at points, it may feel like something along those lines). Yes, in impressive fashion, Hov comes through riding shotgun to show a deeper shade of one of his more complex dimensions, with many of his rhymes begging for dissection with every bar. However, AWT features a JAY-Z that’s rapping through Jay Electronica’s lens, not by any means where 4:44 or Everything Is Love left off. This is definitely a Jay Electronica album. AWT dives in and out of Jay Electronica’s beliefs in broad strokes that appear and disappear rather quickly, but even when certain verses raise more questions than provide answers, every song still has at least a handful of the gripping words that remind us of what made Jay Elec-Hanukkah sound like the chosen one in the first place (his tussle with writer’s block and hesitation to put out any art make for some of the projects most engaging moments).

If A Written Testimony is the last Jay Electronica album we ever here - which I truly hope it is not the case - it is still a memorable piece of work. So if you were one of the folks that moved on from it after the “surprise” of Jay finally dropping a project subsided, I hope you change that stance and revisit it once again.

4. Descendants of Cain by Ka

“Quiet and frigid disposition, growin' up in the cold / Surprised I ain't get high from what I was low enough to behold / Like when Pops shot at the neighbor's shop, put one in his head / He knew how he grew me, threw me the gun, a hundred, and fled / Didn't play, 'fore po' arose dispose of exhibit A / I was raised to age a few years in a day / If not elite, didn't eat if you didn't pray / As much as I heal, had to deal, all my scars are here to stay / Our senseis spent days peddling / Our heroes sold heroin.” - Ka, “Patron Saints”

He makes it seem almost too easy. If the writing wasn't so gripping, you might not even revisit it. Ka’s Descendants of Cain arrived with little fanfare, except for the collective awe of his humble but religiously devoted fan-base. The religious devotion is an important piece here, as Cain adds to Ka’s quietly impressive discography another strong album that leans on classic scribes as inspiration to spin poignant metaphors on Brooklyn street philosophy.

This time, the classic work is the Christian Bible, and Ka being the brilliant MC/poet that he is, seems to have little trouble working with the medium to preach without sounding preachy, and wax familiar-sounding nostalgia over wax that sounds as dusty as it feels fresh, rich, and urgent. Producing much of the album himself, along with a few trusted collaborators, the album’s strength is in its’ density, as each song feels like it requires a pause to unpack every bar...and to be honest, that’s exactly the type of attention this work deserves. If you missed this one in the first half of 2020′s feverish dump of new releases, you need to remedy that immediately.

5. Pray for Paris by Westside Gunn

If The Alchemist is the overall rap music MVP for his many contributions to 2020 thus far, Westside Gunn may deserve at least a few honorable mentions. From becoming the ambassador of Buffalo New York to stepping up as an ambassador of the underground rap resurgence, I don’t think any other rap artist has done more to run with the torch that Roc Marciano has been waving for a damn decade than the Griselda mastermind. If you happened to hear Gunn name-dropping to Peter Rosenberg on Rosenberg’s long-standing Real Late show on Hot 97, you know exactly what I mean. Shouting-out close allies and lesser known peers alike, Gunn’s presence proudly announced the underground movement’s invasion of the highly known New York City radio station. It felt like ECW invading WWE’s Monday Night Raw all over again. Of course Gunn’s voice was met with more ears than usual during that interview, since that appearance came hot off the heels of the release of his much discussed side project turned full-blown album, Pray for Paris.

By now most fervent rap fans know the story behind the album (a project that miraculously arrived to completion while Gunn was suffering from the affects of coronavirus), but for many Pray for Paris is the introduction to the story of Griselda Records and the world that they revel in. If Conway the Machine and Benny the Butcher are responsible for the Griselda team’s grittiest street tales, Westside Gunn’s success leans on his ability to blur the line between all-too-real violence and cartoon violence, splattered with elite luxury references and shout-outs for his fellow wrestling addicts. The song titles are merely scattered trains of thoughts that may or may not have anything directly to do with a song’s actual meaning, it’s like naming your child ‘brunch in Williamsburg’ just because it was the last meal you happened to have that day. An audience brought up on Lil Wayne as the God MC may be completely lost at the appeal, but audiences brought up on Wu, DOOM and Sean Price know exactly what vibe Westisde Gunn is going for.

At times Gunn can come across as more of a talent curator than a stand alone MC, so if this is the album that takes Gunn to the next level as a rap star, it would make him the most unselfish rap star to come along in some time. A rapper doesn’t jump on an Alchemist produced track with the likes of Freddie Gibbs and Roc Marciano and expect to leave with anything but the Bronze medal. The same can be said for his chopped and screwed contribution to “Claiborne Kick”, which clearly belongs to Boldy James. That’s not to say that Gunn’s verse is a weak moment on any of the joints on Paris, but the fact that he consistently surrounds himself with high caliber writers confirms that he is well aware that the quality of the final product will be determined by the team involved, not just the artists’ name on the album cover.

For someone that considers himself more of an artist than a rapper, he continues to paint intriguing collages with every album, featuring him at the center of an ever-expanding portrait of MCs, producers, singers, designers, and dancers. Pray for Paris is a typical Griselda project that also happens to sport the potential of something larger than most of their fanbase ever imagined. Yes we get the dark backdrops, elite underground production, and quotables throughout, but we also get a few additional shades, as Gunn dabbles with a “beauty and the beast” dynamic that cleanly pairs his violent imagery with fashionista pomp and circumstance (which no doubt helped draw the likes of Wale and Tyler, the Creator to this project). But t’s all less of a solo album to push a mainstream solo career forward, and much more of a cannonball through the mainstream wall, just to allow some sunlight to shine on his people...and his city, for that matter - because best believe, Paris may be the inspiration behind the project but Buffalo, New York is still with him every step of the way.

6. Alfredo by Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist

A highly enjoyable surprise drop from two-thirds of the potent combination that gave us the fan favorite project that was Fetti (shout-out to Curren$y, though), Alfredo feels like the perfect treat to hold us over during these trying times. It feels rushed, but simultaneously sharp and activated. It has the feeling of a controlled experiment that was slapped together in separate rooms, rather than carefully curated by multiple artists hunched over the same mixer for days on end. Alfredo is more of a display of two power hitters putting on an impressive showing at a Home Run Derby, rather than the collaboration that has been slowly simmering for years...but that’s also part of the fun, because it feels like Al & Fredo (eh?) were just as excited to release it as we all were to hear it.

Neither party is reinventing the wheel here, but if you are going to have a rapper and a producer connect for an album of great rapping over great beats, you would be hard pressed to find a more natural pairing than these two. The Alchemist delivers with samples that channel the speakeasy jazz of an old piano, and Freddie is simply the king of hard-rap soul right now, so he excels on every song. There are moments of darkness, moments of hope, and moments of self reflection (Gibbs is a logical choice to swing haymakers back at cops abusing their power), all delivered by Freddie at a break-neck speed over Al's significantly less urgent production....as if Gibbs frantically spilled his guts to his buddy over the phone while Al was kickin’ back with a joint saying “uh-huh...yup, I hear ya man.” The final result is an effective one, if not a quick teaser of what a lengthier amount of collaboration time between the two might sound like. It should also be said that the guest verses on this album (especially those from Tyler, The Creator and Conway) took this album up a few spots on this ‘best of’ list. Alfredo is easily one of the strongest surprises of 2020.

7. Reasonable Drought by Stove God Cook$ and Roc Marciano

There is a tradition in the rap music biz that newer/younger artists are often shepherded along by more seasoned artists in order to insure that the less experienced artist is blessed with the built-in audience that comes with a co-sign. It doesn’t always work, but typically the initiation comes with a solid musical foundation on a debut project accompanied by a greener MC still finding his/her way. Not the case with Stove God Cook$, he is perhaps the most unexpectedly fresh MC to be cut from classic rap cloth since Griselda & Mach-Hommy began to build cult-like followings.

While Reasonable Drought (and seriously, how bold of a title is that for a debut!?) is blessed by the impressive production and mentorship of underground rap icon Roc Marciano, it truly is the lesser known MC himself that captures the imagination right from the get-go. When I say that in my life time, I cannot recall such a strong debut performance by a MC that I have heard virtually no work from prior to his 2019 emergence, with the help of minimal publicity/ad budget (if any? Cook$ was barely on social media until *after* his album had already been released) on his way to dropping an album with zero features...then you should take my recommendation very seriously. Fresh style, some of the most rewind-worthy quotables in recent memory (an Uncle Buck reference!? Bow down, people), and a new following built exclusively on the word of mouth of equal-minded folks that were blown away by a project many copped on a passing whim... it’s clear that this moment could be the beginning of an amazing, fascinating career.

Similar to Roc Marciano before him, Cook$ possesses a rare flare with his wordplay and delivery that makes even the ugliest tales of coke dealing and disrespectful criminal activity sound like the colorful exploits of a post-Blaxploitation hero. He delivers every bar with the uber-specific word choice of Roc, but the outgoing swag of a Max B. The man that has people that never touched cocaine in their life singing that they’re “smelling like a brick right now”, is smelling like a winner in 2020 and beyond.

8. Battle Scar Decorated by Monday Night & Henny L.O.

Last call to board the Mutant Academy bandwagon!

I have been saying that this deep underground collective of MCs & producers has been low key having a banner year all year long, and scrolling through this list you can see exactly what I mean. Henny L.O. is too good to be slotted as just a battle rapper, while Monday Night is far too strong of a presence to be considered a mere associate of the core Mutant team. When you think of Mutant Academy and their respective affiliated acts, think of them as a gathering of solo artists that happen to make dope rap music together, but all parties involved are capable of standing on their own two. I think that’s what consistently impresses me about their projects...hat, and the lack of filler material.

Along with a deep Rolodex of mostly under-the-radar talent, the hunger and confidence of a thriving Richmond, Viriginia rap scene is present on every track of Battle Scar Decorated. Much like many of my favorite albums of 2020, there is no reinventing of the wheel here, the triumph is in the execution. Monday & Henny tag in and out, each with the confidence that they have spit the best verse on the song before they have even finished. It’s that level of ability combined with a shocking amount of production talent that makes Battle Scar Decorated essential listening to anyone that wants to be reminded of a vibe that hasn’t been in abundance in the underground rap scene since L.A. in the late 90′s. It wouldn’t be fair to talk about how much I enjoyed this project without including the great producers involved, so a big s/o to: Sycho Sid, C.R.I.S.T.E.N, James Couch, Savvy, Heather Grey, and Ewonne.

9. Eastern Medicine, Western Illness by Preservation

Accompanied by a who’s who of underground hip-hop’s finest (Roc Marciano, Mach-Hommy, Your Old Droog, Quelle Chris, Nickelus F, Tree, Navy Blue, Billy Woods, Ka *and more* - I mean seriously!?), Preservation has assembled an impressively cohesive compilation album both sonically and thematically.

Incorporating record samples from his travels in China, Eastern Medicine, Western Illness feels born in simplicity even though it is anything but a casual collection of dope verses over tightly wound production. A quietly gifted producer, Preservation knows how to squeeze the best out of his guests without shouting the results through the speakers, the choices are more subtle but yield a high impact and replay value. Listening to the project feels more like listening to a secret, unreleased project, because it’s hard to believe that this much talent would gift this much high caliber writing to a compilation of songs...although that was not uncommon in the 90′s and early 00′s (ah, I’m showing my old age again). Perhaps that’s a testament to Preservation’s vision, a DJ/producer with a relatively small catalog built on curated quality (see his fantastic 2015 collaboration with Ka on Days With Dr. Yen Lo). Eastern Medicine has enough talent involved that it could have been a worthy listen even if it was just as a hodgepodge of donated loosies, so the fact that the final product is so much more than that makes it an album that warrants a great deal of more attention.

10. The Allegory by Royce Da 5′9″

No accomplished lyricist makes life harder on himself than Royce Da 5′9″. Be it his tendency to cram personal observations and disclosures in and around his punchlines, or experimenting production wise, the Detroit veteran is intent on finding new ways to approach fine wine music, tossing more complex offerings into his catalog over the past few years. Things are no different with The Allegory.

Not only did Royce once again pen an album that speaks to his ability to cope with his own past and present, he inserts himself in the producer chair as well, addressing the trials and tribulations of the increasingly problematic world around him, over backdrops crafted by only his hand a a few trusted peers. The effect is mostly successful, with the production exceeding the expectations of many (myself included), while the writing is at times both thought-provoking and in need of further exploration on Royce’s part. The guest features range from effective to scene stealing (not because Royce ‘s verse is outshined, but there are moments where it seems as if the guest is better suited over Royce’s own production than he is). If you’re Royce Da 5′9″ and you release an album titled The Allegory, no one should expect a simple quick fix of bars over easily digestible instrumentals. The highs come in abundance, and while the lows come in small trip-ups and the occasional skit that the listener probably could have done without, you get the sense that with some editing and further focus of his lofty goals, his sermons could have been sharpened into a more effective analysis of many of his topics (the music business, being black in America, history, conspiracy theories), resulting in an incredible album instead of a very good one. Nevertheless, it is all worth the ride to hear the latest work from one of rap music’s most gifted MC’s from the past decade. If The Allegory isn’t a home-run, it’s at the very least a strong base hit.

Top 50 (all belong in the Top 10-25, but...there’s only 25 spots in the Top 25, soooo):

11. Cold Water by Medhane

12. Shrines by Armand Hammer

13. Bag Talk by yungmorpheus & Pink Siifu

14. Try Again by ovrkast.

15. RTJ4 by Run The Jewels

16. Noise Kandy 4 by Rome Streetz

17. Innocent Country 2 by Quelle Chris

18. Weight of the World by MIKE

19. Sages by Henny L.O. & Ohbliv

20. Milestones by Skyzoo

21. Carpe Noctem by Big Ghost Ltd

22. Lake Water by SeKwence

23. At the End of the Day. by Fly Anakin

24. Sole Food by Deniro Farrar

25. The Oracle 3 by Grafh

26. The Blue Tape by Tree

27. lo&behold by lojii

28. Infinite Wisdom by Lord Jah-Monte Ogbon

29. FULL CIRCLE by Medhane

30. UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry & Kenny Beats

31. The Throwaways by The Opioid Era

32. Anyways by Young Nudy

33. PTSD (Deluxe) by G Herbo

34. Holly Favored by Monday Night & Foisey

35. THE GOAT by Polo G

36. Demon & Mufasa by Yhung T.O. & DaBoii

37. The Face of Jason by ANKHLEJOHN

38. My Turn by Lil Baby

39. No One Mourns the Wicked by Conway & Big Ghost Ltd.

40. Two4one by Jay Worthy

41. Free Drakeo by Drakeo

42. Alone Time by YL

43. Assata by CV$ a.k.a. Con$piracy & Teller Bank$

44. Thug Tear by Big Kashuna O.G. & Monday Night

45. Ways and Means by Rasheed Chappell & 38 Spesh

46. IMMORTALKOMBAT by Al Divino & Estee Nack

47. Young & Turnt 2 by 42 Dugg

48. Sleeper Effect by Sleep Sinatra

49. Juno by Che Noir & 38 Spesh

50. LULU by Conway & The Alchemist

THE REST OF THE BEST (all belong in the Top 50 releases of 2020, but..what can I say, blame 2020 for being such a stacked year for music/events I guess):

Black Schemata by yungmorpheus, The Smartest by Tee Grizzley, Polly by the Powder Keg by Chuck Chan & Pad Scientist, High Off Life by Future, Gotham City Album by Plex Diamonds, Memphis Massacre 2 by Duke Deuce, Poetic Substance by RIM & Vinyl Villain, Styles David: Ghost Your Enthusiasm by Styles P, MF Bloo by Bloo & Spanish Ran, LSD by The Leonard Simpson Duo & Guilty Simpson, Funeral by Lil Wayne, RAW UNKNOWN by Spectacular Diagnostics, Nezzie’s Star by Eddie Kaine, ShrapKnel (self-titled), The Bluest Note by Skyzoo & Dumbo Station, WUNNA by Gunna, Get Money Teach Babies by Heist Life & Spanish Ran, Open Casket by Killer Kane, 6 Rings by Yung Mal, The Beauty of It by Eto, Meet The Woo 2 by Pop Smoke, Fresh Air by UFO Fev & Statik Selektah, Vito by Vince Ash, GRIMM & EViL by GRiMM Doza, RUDEBWOY by CJ Fly, Rocket to Nebula by Killah Priest, EVERYTHING by Kota the Friend, NO Blade of Grass by V Don, Eternal Atake by Lil Uzi Vert, I’m My Brother’s Keeper by Yella Beezy & Trapboy Freddy, Carhartt Champions by Tree Mason, Viral Viral! by Dunbar, Rowhouse Whispers by Ray West & Zilla Rocca, Magneto Was Right #4 by Raz Fresco, DUMP LIFE by Tha God Fahim, Jay NiCE & Left Lane Didon, Burn One, Tap In, Zone Out by Dot Demo, FNTG: From Niggaz to Godz by Squeegie O, PANAGNL4E, Vol. 2 by Los and Nutty, Death 2 All Haterz 2 by Rigz & Symph, Thank You For Using GTL by Drakeo & JoogSzn, Adjust to the Game by Larry June, Martyr’s Prayer by Elcamino & 38 Spesh, BETTER by Deante’ Hitchcock, Attack of the Future Shocked, Flesh Covered, Meatbags of the 85 by $ilkMoney, No Cosign Just Cocaine 3 by Ty Farris, Hear No Equal by Chuuwee, MSYKM by Tsu Surf, Your Birthday’s Cancelled by Iron Wigs, Spring Clean by Curren$y & Fuse, Arctic Plus Degrees (The Sun Don’t Chill Allah) by Planet Asia & DirtyDiggs, Psychological Cheat Sheet by Vic Spencer, Glass 2.0 by Meyhem Lauren & Harry Fraud, Trust the Chain by Planet Asia & 38 Spesh, Director’s Cut (Scene Two) by Ransom & Nicholas Craven, and Son Of A Gun by Key Glock.

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wodnes--coyotl · 3 years

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long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

---

There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE.

#personalposting #long post #im SO SORRY IF YR ON MOBILE AND SEE ALL THIS #whatever its my blog ill write if i want to

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confettipizza · 3 years

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Lunar Recap

How it started. How it’s going. How it ended for the last lunar cycle of 2020.

This lunar cycle began with the New Moon on Jan. 12, 2021 @ 11:01 PM CT (Jan. 13 @ 05:01 UTC). It was the 13th Moon of 2020 according to the lunar calendar. And it ended Feb. 11, 2021, just before the 1st Moon of 2021! Happy Lunar New Year 2021, Year of the Ox!

South Korean Court Orders Japan to Compensate Women Forced into Sex Slavery

Colorado AG Opens Grand Jury Probe of Police Killing of Elijah McClain

Guantánamo Bay Prison Starts 20th Year of Indefinite Detentions

Pfizer to Boost COVID-19 Vaccine Output as WHO Warns of Vaccination Inequality

Lawmakers Catch COVID-19 After Sheltering in Room Where GOP Reps Refused Masks

FBI Warns of “Armed Protests” in All 50 States and at Biden’s Inauguration

Tomorrow is Sun conjunct Pluto. Something that’s been lurking in the shadows bout to jump out. Might be pretty big, but there’s also the individual personal experience of this event and might feel more like an early Full Moon for you.

House to Impeach Trump as GOP Shows Signs of Backing Removal

Well this is dumb. Sun conjunct Pluto?

The $3,000-a-month toilet for the Ivanka Trump/Jared Kushner Secret Service detail

I also remembered/realized how much I really love Anna Sui designs since I was a kid which is pretty random to pop up on my radar, but this woman gets that all I want is sparkly heart shaped objects in lacquered black and flowy hippie dresses

Trump Tells Aides Not to Pay Giuliani’s Legal Fees as Bid to Overturn Election Fails

All I know is talking about dreams and discussing them with others makes you feel better. The tarot angle is there to shed some light on what the dream is actually telling you.

Joe Biden Unveils $1.9 Trillion Coronavirus and Economic Relief Package

ICE’s Acting Director Resigns After Two Weeks on Job

Found out today the woman at the car mechanic I've been faithfully taking my car to for the past two years can speak to the dead and had some messages for me from my dad who passed in October-

Intuitive guided tarot card pull.

Waxing crescent into Aries Monday, January 18, 2021 at 1:06 AM CT Today’s Astro x Tarot forecast valid for the next 24 hours: Feelings are flaring up for you to make a statement, a very zippy move or a quick decision about someone or something.

So long as you remain flexible and agile, whatever you choose to do with them will work to your advantage. If you decide not to impose hyper-agility into your decision making rn, then kudos to you! You’ve gained practice points in self-control experience.

More Than 760,000 Pounds of Hot Pockets Recalled

‘I Answered the Call of My President’: Rioters Say Trump Urged Them On

Raphael Warnock and the Legacy of Racial Tyranny

The Extraordinary Courage of Aleksei Navalny

Whoa, I was like a cycle early on celebrating the lunar new year! I’ve been a month into the future for a week now. My bad! I apologize for any confusion.

I was thinking that the soul's law of attraction is probably pretty unstoppable even concerning partners, so like, if someone didn't love you back then it's not some mistake or human misunderstanding that you or they need to fix.

To find one's soulmate looks something like 2 souls flying towards each other from opposite ends of the galaxy to join their physical selves together in a collision force so brutal you're stuck like that and if that's not what yours looks like then maybe that ain't your soulmate?

All the men going to jail for their poop smearing Capitol rioting have online dating profiles and that’s reason no. 2 I do not date online! Reason no. 1 is ain’t nobody cute on there.

The Witch’s Myth: The true story of the crane husband

Where are your witch stars, Circe and Hekate, located? Their location can explain your relationship to witchcraft. Circe is in my 1st house influencing my outer appearances and Hekate is conjunct Jupiter influencing my domestic style and home to be distinctively witchy.

Sun into Aquarius Tuesday, January 19, 2021 at 2:33 PM CT Here is your Sun into Aquarius forecast effective for the next several weeks of Aquarius season.

Down to earth and grounded is our most qualified position to receive everything we need and use everything we receive. This is the reality of ourselves, the human condition.

We love reality based reality.

Get ready for reality-grounded White House press briefings

Why do people believe the lies they’re fed? Because those lies are designed to be more palatable than reality. Lies offer a quick easy patch, but what you’ve gotta ask yourself is are those lies actually designed to support the flow of all things into your life?

~* First Quarter Jan. 20 3:02 PM CT (21:02 UTC) *~

Biden and Harris Attend Memorial to Honor 400,000+ COVID-19 Victims in U.S. on Eve of Inauguration

Steve Bannon Among Final Trump Pardons and Commutations

Trump Admin Declares Multiculturalism Is “Not Who America Is” as WH Releases Racist, Revisionist Report

4,000+ Columbia Students Back Largest-Ever Tuition Strike

Today, whatever you’re doing or are wishing to become will be to the benefit of this unifying, love-aligned uprising.

Joe Biden Sworn In as 46th President of the United States, Ending Trump Era

Good inauguration Astro climate this morning feels like. #BidenHarrisInauguration

“What has shaken the U.S. population so badly, this assault on the Capitol yesterday, is really nothing by comparison to what U.S. operations have done in Latin America, in Asia, in Africa, in the Middle East, to other democratic movements and elected governments over the years.”

Progress towards wholeness can’t be made until we own up to the roles we’ve played in the past.

Read the full text of Amanda Gorman’s inaugural poem ‘The Hill We Climb’

When did politics get so vibrant and fashionably uplifting? Please and thank you! #Inauguration2021

The two of wands says to review your options, do your research, crunch the numbers, imagine the outcomes, but there’s no need to force making a choice if you don’t have to. Buy yourself some time and let the plans for a resolution find you, not the other way around.

Donald Trump Leaves Office and Washington, D.C., Threatens “We Will Be Back”

Watchdogs Demand Transparency as Corporations Pour Millions into Biden-Harris Inauguration

Senate Dems File Ethics Complaint Against Sens. Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley over Jan. 6 Insurrection

Federal Forces Arrest Ex-Marine for Beating Officer with a Hockey Stick During Capitol Riots

It’s Friday and it just feels good to be alive, a socialist and calling Bernie Sanders cute on Inauguration Day week! What a difference a pandemic makes.

Instacart Lays Off 2,000 Workers, Including Group Who Started Company’s First Union

Mars square Jupiter January 23, 2021 @ 1:49 AM CT (7:49 GMT) Someone wants you to know that you are ready to conquer your perceived limits to arrive at expansion in your thoughts, feelings, emotions and understanding today.

Waxing gibbous into Cancer January 25, 2021 @ 12:51 PM CT (18:51 GMT) It’s a supportive Moon for dreaming for mental health and well being. Begin a dream journal or review your latest dreams, reflecting on them for a few minutes today.

You are opening yourself up to an emotional practice that includes care for yourself in ways no one else (besides you and your connection to the Moon) can provide.

And too my Tarot Dream Readings are open if you would like guidance or support on a particular dream. See my pinned tweet for how it works.

When one’s soul is allowed to lead one’s life, working in the dark shadows, the invisible silence, the soul’s manifesting results are way more lasting and way more powerful than egocentric anything.

Good morning, self! A reminder my ego has never done a thing for me my soul can’t do better.

National Guard Deployment at U.S. Capitol Becomes COVID-19 Superspreader Event

Russia Violently Cracks Down on Protesters Calling for Release of Alexei Navalny

Trump Plotted to Oust Acting AG, Use DOJ to Force Georgia to Overturn Election Results

Hunts Point Market Workers in the Bronx Win Wage Increase After Week-Long Strike

This mourning brooch is a mindful way to mark the death of a loved one while paying tribute to the impact it has had on you. Bring back this Victorian trend!

Veteran Talk Show Host Larry King Dies After Hospitalization for COVID-19

Hank Aaron, Who Overcame Racist Barriers to Become Home Run Record-Holder, Dies at 86

We don’t give our bodies or our intuition enough attention and nourishment a lot of the time, so today’s the day we practice finding and sitting quietly with our inner voice.

~* Full Moon Jan. 28 1:17 PM CT (19:17 UTC) *~

House Delivers Article of Impeachment to Senate, Triggering Trump’s Second Trial

Dominion Voting Systems Sues Rudy Giuliani for Lying About 2020 Election

President Biden Increases U.S. Vaccination Goal to 150 Million Shots in 100 Days

President Biden Reverses Trump’s Transgender Military Service Ban

Biden Restores Plan to Feature Abolitionist Harriet Tubman on $20 Bill

Value is further added the more you mint your words with a most whole and complete love. Love is the greatest asset we can let appreciate in our lifetimes.

This Full Moon tomorrow sends a flash point that reminds you to circulate this wealth because it’s the greatest emotional gift we can bestow upon our loved ones, family, friends, neighbors, elders, members of our community, etc.

Venus conjunct Pluto in Capricorn January 28, 2021 @ 10:18 AM CT (16:18 GMT) Going through your day today uncovers a forgotten desire or creative goal. You find yourself asking something like: Remember when I wanted to become a pastry chef?

Although you decided to pursue a different course, take a moment to focus on and honor this memory when it arrives and then release it. What did you become instead and why?

45 Senate Republicans Back Dismissal of Trump Impeachment Trial

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Supported Violence Against Pelosi and Others in 2018 Facebook Posts

Taking the time to recognize and honor your past desires gives the respect these memories deserve and it integrates them into the whole wider scene of the individual, both shadow and light on your path builds confidence in your steps, confidence in yourself.

You are who you are for a reason.

Had no idea how literal this grassroots King of Pentacles card was gonna materialize today, but here it is folks! When a subreddit takes down a hedge fund!

Leader of Proud Boys, Enrique Tarrio, Was a Government Informer

U.S. Freezes Arms Sales to Saudi Arabia, Reviews Deal with UAE Made Under Trump Admin

Poland Enacts Near-Total Ban on Abortions, Triggering More Protests

Honduras Locks In Total Ban on Abortions, Attacks Marriage Equality

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Confronts Parkland Survivor David Hogg in Newly Resurfaced Video

The stock market this morning: Sh*t! Normal working class people read the market and figured out the game! Time to change the rules again. Let’s write it in ancient Babylonian hieroglyphs this time. They’ll never figure that sh*t out.

A message crucial to promote the awareness of your personal role in the collective will become evident over the next three weeks. You will come to ask yourself, What am I doing with my life?

If you aren’t familiar or comfortable with seeking your inner journey, then the greatest clue I can offer you at the start is to become open to the invisible world within you. How you learn to relate to it is completely personal and uniquely your own

Speaking in more concrete terms the next few weeks may manifest a life event for you where you must apply both logic and feeling in order to arrive at a satisfactory conclusion concerning an interpersonal relationship or the question what am I doing with my life?

This Mercury retrograde should be a cinch, but during it don’t buy tech if you don’t have to. And remember to triple check communication before hitting send. If you arrive at conflict be quick to apologize and say no more until tomorrow

President Biden Expands Affordable Care Act Enrollment Amid COVID-19 Pandemic

House Speaker Blasts GOP for Assigning Racist Conspiracy Theorist to House Education Committee

Lawmakers Demand Probe into Trading App Robinhood After It Blocked Stock Sales That Hurt Hedge Funds

Pioneering African American Actor Cicely Tyson, Winner of Two Emmys, Dies at 96

Sun in Aquarius square Mars in Taurus February 1, 2021 @ 4:33 AM CT (10:33 GMT) The warrior’s edge has melted away and now you can take the scenic route through a field of wildflowers and mushrooms instead of blasting your way through a hillside of obstacles.

This energy catalyzes a scene that supports growth through varied experiences and it encourages everyone to seek their own way to resolutions, conclusions and understandings that are uniquely their own. Searching out your own way illuminates a strategic aspect of your purpose.

Happy Venus in Aquarius! The idea to refresh your wardrobe, hairstyle or redecorating by public opinion can be too hard to ignore under this influence. Your personal style will be influenced by the collective for the duration.

Burmese Military Stage Coup, Detain Aung San Suu Kyi

FBI Uncovers Evidence Jan. 6 Attack Was Premeditated as More Far-Right Rioters Face Charges

Trump Faces More Businesses-Related Woes as His Legal Team Departs a Week Before Impeachment Trial

It’s only the 21st day of the lunar cycle and already we’ve gone from the end of a rotten presidential era to the people’s revolution of the stock market, ok? And this moon ain’t even finished yet!

~* Last Quarter Feb. 4 11:38 AM CT (17:38 UTC) *~

U.S. Tops 26 Million COVID-19 Vaccine Shots, Surpassing Confirmed Coronavirus Cases

Moon Last Quarter in Scorpio February 4, 2021 @ 11:38 AM CT (17:38 UTC) A time for Descending, settling, closure, receiving compliments for doing a good job. Prime time for tying of loose ends and wrapping up unfinished business.

Democrats Say Trump “Singularly Responsible” for Jan. 6 Insurrection in Impeachment Brief

With consciousness humans are able to transcend the unconscious and reconfigure our relationship to it.

Though we can transcend the unconscious through viewing ourselves objectively, we are still apart of the the unconscious. Those rules still apply to us even as we contemplate their logic.

Jeff Bezos Steps Down as Amazon CEO After Amassing Huge Personal Fortune

Amazon to Pay Contract Drivers $61.7 Million After FTC Probe Finds It Stole Tips to Pay Wages

Republican Leader Won’t Punish Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene over Racist and Violent Rhetoric

Prosecutors Seek Rearrest of Kyle Rittenhouse, Wisconsin Teen Charged with Killing 2 Protesters

Sometimes the right thing to do is protect your one actual valuable thing not by defending it, but closing up all the channels the valuable thing is being attacked from the outside. Sometimes you just gotta block, delete or remove your account and move on with/to what's good.

What if we wake up one day and COVID has disappeared, like poof! It vanished into thin air? Maybe it’s the moon opposed to Uranus that’s got me wishing wild problem solvers would pop up overnight.

Poll Reveals 25% of U.S. Adults Plan to Gather at Super Bowl Watch Parties

VP Harris Casts Tie-Breaking Vote to Move Ahead with Democratic COVID Relief Bill

House Removes Marjorie Taylor Greene from Committees over Violent, Bigoted Rhetoric

Smartmatic Sues Fox News, Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell for Election-Related Lies

I unfollowed some lawmakers this morning after feeling second hand anxiety over the handling of their interpersonal conflicts. Realized they were me on IG two years ago and I’ve moved on since. Can relate, but don’t wanna relive, thanks!

I just want to let y’all know that I’m coping w insufficient candle syndrome & will be studying the art & science of candle making to save myself potentially hundreds of thousands of $$ by making my own delicious smelling coconut wax babies in diy terra cotta flower pots.

Wyoming GOP Censures Rep. Liz Cheney for Backing Trump’s Impeachment

Mass Protests Continue in Burma Opposing Military Coup, Removal of Aung San Suu Kyi

You may tell others like it is today, but hopefully this inspires you to check in with yourself and be honest/come clean about something you've been overlooking.

Indian Farmworkers Blockade Roads as Mass Protests Show No Sign of Slowing Down

Black Sheriff’s Deputy in Louisiana Dies by Suicide After Condemning Police Violence and Racism

Amazon Workers in Alabama Begin Historic Vote on Unionization

Second Impeachment Trial of Donald J. Trump Opens in the Senate

Georgia’s Secretary of State to Probe Trump’s Efforts to Overturn 2020 Election

Mercury square Mars February 10, 2021 @ 6:14 AM CT (12:14 UTC) Still talking about talking, it’s also Dark Moon time to shape or let a habit form. This practice can come from breaking free of outdated relationships with yourself or with others in order to spur growth.

Dreamed Jungkook was correcting my pronunciation of Korean last night. I’m sorry! I’ll try harder to take this lesson seriously

Senate Votes to Proceed with Impeachment as Managers Present Harrowing Video of Jan. 6 Insurrection

Gov’t to Send Vaccines to Community Health Centers as U.S. Continues Ramping Up Vaccinations

WHO Team Confirms COVID-19 of Animal Origin; Ghana Shuts Parliament After Outbreak Infects Lawmakers

Journalists Decry Raid on Progressive Indian News Site NewsClick

U.S. to Pursue Extradition of Julian Assange as Press Freedom Groups Warn of Dangerous Precede

Fossil Fuel Pollution Causes One in Five Global Deaths

Four Louisiana Officers Arrested over Police Brutality Cases and Other Misconduct

Two NYT Journalists Exit Paper Following Revelations of Improper Conduct

Venus conjunct Jupiter February 11, 2021 @ 8:59 AM CT (14:59 UTC) Receive the overflow of creativity into your life. Welcome it even if you aren’t sure what to do with it. Write down project ideas if you don’t have the energy to start on them now. You can work on them later.

I'm cool with double masking, but a lot of folks still aren't even doing the one :|

“The Inciter-in-Chief”: Democrats Accuse Trump of Being “Singularly Responsible” for Insurrection

U.S. COVID Death Toll Tops 471,000; Half of All Deaths Occurred Since Nov. 1

Saudi Women’s Rights Activist Loujain al-Hathloul Released After 1,001 Days in Prison

Biden Administration to Continue Trump-Era Policy of Turning Away Asylum Seekers at Southern Border

Sen. Bernie Sanders Grills Neera Tanden, Biden’s Pick to Head OMB

Sen. Bernie Sanders: “According to The Washington Post, since 2014, the Center for American Progress has received roughly $5.5 million from Walmart, a company that pays its workers starvation wages; $900,000 from the Bank of America; $550,000 from JPMorgan Chase; $550,000 from Amazon; $200,000 from Wells Fargo; $800,000 from Facebook; and up to $1.4 million from Google. In other words, CAP has received money from some of the most powerful special interests in our country. How will your relationship with those very powerful special interests impact your decision-making if you are appointed to be the head of OMB?”

Neera Tanden: “Senator, I thank you for that question. It will have zero impact on my — on my decision-making.”

#lunar #news #headlines #tweets

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mostlysignssomeportents · 4 years

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Shanghai Disneyland re-opens

Shanghai Disneyland re-opened today with a suite of post-pandemic measures that are being watched as a bellwether for other public space reopenings. I've spent a lot of time thinking about themeparks and their future, so I find this very interesting.

https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/shanghai-disneyland-reopens-intl-hnk/index.html

Shanghai is a weird park to start with. Sure, reopening in China (versus somewhere else) makes sense, given the progress that's been made in containing the pandemic there, and the merging of the invasive surveillance state with public health surveillance.

But of all the Disney parks in the world, Shanghai is the one that relies the least on social cohesion and rule-following. It's basically built on the assumption that everyone who visits will cheat the system.

For example, its queue stanchions are chest-height and solid to the ground to prevent queue-jumping (I have no idea how they square that with fire safety). The entrance turnstiles don't have their own queues (which invites scrumming), instead there's a maze of riot-fencing.

It's one person wide (to prevent queue-barging) and a cast member directs the front to a specific turnstile as it becomes available.

There are limits to how many turkey legs you can buy because people were buying several and walking back down the line, selling them.

When you use a Fastpass, your face is matched to a database at the queue entrance and then once (or twice) more before you board.

It's a contrast with other regional parks (HK, Tokyo), where there's a high degree of trust embodied in the queueing architecture and policies.

Shanghai also has the longest lines I've ever seen at a Disney Park, and several of them are lines for GA shows with no seating, some of them indoors. They have strict limits on the number of Fastpasses they give out and all Fastpasses are gone shortly after the park opens.

So there will definitely be some serious challenges to re-opening. First, there's the queues. Switchback queues are space-efficient and psychologically inviting (compared to a long, snaking queue), and they're compact enough to encase in an air-conditioned building.

They're also impossible to maintain distancing in. It looks like they've modified some switchbacks with bulges that separate people in adjacent turns, but this makes the queues less compact, and still has waiting spots where you'll be too close.

https://www.bbc.com/news/in-pictures-52620179

It's gonna be 31'C tomorrow in Shanghai, and 70% humidity. Pushing queues out of the show buildings and into the direct sun is gonna be brutal.

To make things harder, they're reducing capacity on the rides to create distancing, meaning that queues will move more slowly.

Then there's the technical matter of whether distancing on an attraction is meaningful or just pandemic theater: the research is inconclusive, but being next to someone in a show for 45 mins (or downwind of the HVAC direction) sounds risky.

As does being in someone's slipstream on a fast-moving ride for 5-8 minutes.

They're removing every second restaurant table from service:

https://www.cnn.com/videos/travel/2020/05/11/china-shanghai-disney-reopens-coronavirus-culver-pkg-intl-hnk-vpx.cnn

But again, without knowing about predominant HVAC currents, it's hard to say whether this will do much. We know that sitting a couple tables down(wind) from an infectious person is a risk:

https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/wr/mm6915e1.htm?s_cid=mm6915e1_w

Some of the countermeasures feel like theater, such as the multiple temperature scans. It's true that these will catch cheaters who go even if they know they're sick, but the hard problem of coronavirus isn't cheaters, its asymptomatic carriers.

"At least 44% of all infections--and the majority of community-acquired transmissions--occur from people without any symptoms. You can be shedding the virus into the environment for up to 5 days before symptoms begin."

https://www.erinbromage.com/post/the-risks-know-them-avoid-them

Whenever I hear someone talking about temperature checks, I wonder about their calculus. Is it:

* Delivers some benefit, doesn't hurt, why not? * Mostly useless, but makes people feel safe, why not? * My world is full of cheaters who'll selfishly risk others?

I don't see anything wrong with temp checks but I worry that social cohesion is our only way forward (asymptomatic people who know they were exposed but refuse to isolate are a much bigger risk than people with fevers who do so).

I also don't want to trust my safety to anyone who engages in symbolic gestures "to make me feel better" even if they don't make sense. Those people distort our discourse about safety and security and elevate nonsense to the same plane as evidence.

Given Shanghai Disney's emphasis on cheater-prevention, I think the temp scans are about catching cheaters, but if management is assuming that people will cheat, then temp checks won't catch the majority, who'll be asymptomatic.

IOW: if you think large numbers of cheaters will break the rules, then you can't open safely until the rules aren't needed (that is, until a vaccine is on hand).

A red flag for me: it's not clear how Disney will operate profitably under these constraints.

Independent analysts say the break-even point for a themepark under normal conditions is 50% of capacity (probably higher if you're paying additional staff to clean surfaces and manage compliance).

The news reports don't say what the new capacity of Shanghai Disney is, but it looks low. One way to fix this is to raise prices. At Disneyland California, the prices have skyrocketed without a drop in attendance, suggesting attendees are price-insensitive.

(Maybe not so much after their fortunes were destroyed by coronavirus, ofc).

But high prices ARE correlated with more pathological customer behavior, from arriving at rope-drop and staying until closing to "get their money's worth" (no one ever enjoyed a 16h Disney day).

They're also correlated with customers demanding - or cheating - to get a turn on every ride and show (to get their money's worth).

I'm worried that charging more will reduce compliance.

I really wanna go back to Disneyland! I hope this works! But I'm concerned that it's premature and will set things back.

#pluralistic

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the-bounce-back · 3 years

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5 STEPS TO EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT FROM TOXIC AND USELESS SOMEBODIES

Well, hello there. It’s been a slightly long minute… but I’m back with another banger for your headtops. A lot has happened since my (four month late) birthday post in which I said I was going to write more regularly… but you know what? I refuse to feel bad about it. We’re really in a whole pandemic, life is hurling curveballs at all of us at very disrespectful rates, and now the year is coming to an end very swiftly - like say it wasn’t June just a couple weeks ago. Yes, I’ve been feeling extremely unmotivated to come on here and give everyone a pEpTaLk about how ~*great*~ life is once you let go of everything that’s been holding you back - and that’s okay. I’ve decided to give myself a break instead of beating myself up over it, and can’t lie… I needed it. Besides - posting this post in particular now coincides nicely with releasing and purging all the drama that has been happening during this year before 2021 arrives, so let’s just pretend that the delay was intentional. Okay? Okay!

All jokes aside, I have been struggling a little with writing about this topic, because I really wanted to make sure I did it properly. If you read my never-ending birthday post (if not, read it here), you might remember that one of the points was that learning how to detach yourself from toxic people and situations is pretty much crucial for you to be able to fully let go of the past, to be able to move forward in life without any remorse or guilt, and to never revisit what used to be very painful situations ever again. As much as my own detachment jOuRnEy has been going relatively well, to say that the whole “letting things go and never revisiting them again” thing has proven to be quite the challenge would be the understatement of the century.

By quite the challenge, I mean a f*cking nightmare.

I’m sure many of you can relate when I say that having all this forced time off/downtime throughout the past year has made introspection, reflection and self-analysis pretty much inevitable. Even when you’re just trying to chill and binge watch your favourite box set for the gazillionth time as a distraction, eventually your thoughts catch up with you - forcing you to face certain things that were so easily ignored and avoidable when the outside was still open.

When you spend so much time of a day in your thoughts (trying not to lose your mind from the boredom), it’s only natural to start evaluating your situation, relationships and state of mind. I can only speak for myself, but going from constantly being able to avoid certain thoughts and feelings to suddenly being brutally forced to sit with them ended up being the catalyst I needed to want to find a way to finally strip myself of all the painful baggage, situations and people that have been holding me back from moving forward in life. Aaaand cue the inevitable - but extremely necessary - discomfort that the detachment process brings.

Hella revelations. Hella difficult conversations. Hella growing pains. Hella tears. Hella ended relationships/friendships. The list goes on.

I realise that I’m not exactly selling the whole detachment thing very well, but let’s be very real - it is painful, and you definitely need to be in the correct headspace to even be able to admit to yourself that you’ve allowed a certain situation to go on for so long. I can’t even lie, living in denial and turning a blind eye to former fRiEnDs’ behaviours and how they treated me was a hell of a lot easier. I accidentally got into the habit of justifying and defending other peoples’ mistakes and sh*tty behaviours, no matter how much it hurt me in the process… all because I saw pOtEntIaL in them.

Bruh. Typing it out like this and reading it out to myself is even annoying me. Ya girl is pissed for letting this sh*t run because where was my logic? My critical thinking skills? Common sense? InTuItIoN that I claim to have?! Was my third eye asleep?!

Sigh. Let me relax. It is well… no point in beating myself up over it now. But still.

However - with that being said - I definitely feel like I had to put myself through a lot of that sh*t, because if I hadn’t I’d definitely still be clinging on to expired/toxic friendships and connections. Going through it really had me in a place of suspecting that everyone wanted to hurt me and/or take advantage of my kindness. Luckily, I met some amazing people along the way that reminded me that not everyone is trash, that I am deserving of genuine and real connections, and that I need to learn how to let go of people once they start moving all kinds of mad… enter the concept of detachment.

As you can probably tell from the ever so slightly passive-aggressive title - no, I haven’t fully mastered the art of detachment… yet. I definitely have a long way to go before I can commit to the last couple of steps of the process, because as a chronic overthinker that looooves to analyse past situations and an eMpAtH that hates giving up on people, simply ~*letting go*~ is infinitely more easier said than done… but definitely not impossible. It really is an ongoing process, and I can tell you from now that you will revert back into the toxic mindsets that lead you to your current situation at least 1000 times along the way… but what’s important is learning how to g-check yourself, remind yourself why you are doing this and to keep it pushing no matter what.

Anyways. Without further ado, keep on reading to find out how to leave your d*ckhead exes, fake-ass friends and painful memories in 2020, so you can move forward into 2021 with love, light, a clean slate, peace of mind and all that other corny and cringe sh*t that we all crave - and never look back. Enjoy!

1. Set a very concrete reason why you want to start the detachment process.

Usually, this is a no-brainer. Most likely, the person you’ve decided you want to detach from has just done or said something unforgivable that makes you feel sick for ever even being associated with them. Or, you’ve clocked a series of minor violations that have built up over time… and one more tiny violation pushes you over the edge and makes you lose your head. Either way, it works as a catalyst to make you finally realise just how little respect they have for you, your feelings or your mental health.

However, there are certain situations where the reason may not be as clear as “she f*cked my ex” or “he stole £5k from my account” - sometimes, it’s literally just a gut feeling that someone doesn’t have your best interests at heart the way you have for them. Regardless, it is important to remember that any and all reasons to want to let someone go are valid, and you don’t owe anybody an explanation. This is your healing process and journey, and you’re the one that’s going to have to deal with the pain of it - so anyone that has any remarks on how/why/when you do it can choke, because what’s their own?

With that being said, it is imperative to make sure that the reason is strong enough for you to be able to stick to the process - because believe me when I say that there will be times where you’ll start asking yourself if you’re overreacting, if it’s really that deep, you’re being too sEnSiTiVe or being too radical. These thoughts are either a way for our mind to avoid having to process a lot of sh*t that will probably be very emotionally painful to work through, or a result of being gaslighted and being told that it’s nothing serious. In those cases, a strong reason should be enough to keep you reminded of why you are putting yourself through this process. It should keep you going, and help you find yourself on your darkest days when you just want to give up.

For me, determining a good reason that I know I will stick to became easier over time, because I realised that really delving deep into the root cause of the issue makes everything so much clearer. For example - yes, while Lucy shagging your ex and then meeting up with you for drinks is violation enough, chances are that if you dig deeper, you’ll realise that there’s been repeated pattern of her not respecting you as a friend, disregarding your feelings and not caring about how her actions affect you. In instances like this, it becomes easier to commit to cutting them out of your life, because it’s not just a “one-off” violation, if that makes sense.

The bottom line is that regardless of what the reason is, it should be a clear indication that you are choosing you. Your mental health, your sanity, your energy, your present and your future - and why would you want to jeopardize any of these for someone that clearly doesn’t appreciate your worth?

2. Find healthy coping methods to release your emotions.

I’ll be honest with you - the beginning of the detachment process is definitely the most difficult part, emotionally speaking. Yes, the whole journey is hard, but it’s in the beginning where you have to adapt to not speaking to this person anymore, not seeing them anymore, and having to force yourself to establish heavy boundaries with them… which will most likely be met with reactions that will make you want to respond in some way. Just because you know someone isn’t good for you anymore, doesn’t mean that your old feelings for the person just magically evaporate into nothing.

As much as you may hate to admit it to others and even yourself, you’re going to be hurting. And pain has a way of pushing us to find coping methods to release these emotions - or not have to deal with them at all.

Trust me, as much as I understand and can personally attest to that coping methods that numb your senses may feel like the best option at the time, the truth is that they do nothing for your personal growth. Sure, sometimes you just don’t want to feel - but what happens when you’re sober again? The feelings come right back - and now you’re really playing a dangerous game that can lead to spiralling, health problems and addiction. In the long run, you rarely end up feeling any better.

Healthy coping mechanisms look different for everyone, but there are definitely a few that are universal and can be good for pretty much anyone regardless of the specifics of the situation.

Talking to someone you trust (or a therapist). Working out. Indulging (heavily) in self-care. Doing things that bring you joy. Finding a creative outlet that you can pour all your feelings into… like a mental health blog(!). The possibilities are endless if you stay open minded and genuinely want to get better.

For those that may be stuck in that dark place where literally nothing will make you feel better (except maybe the person you’re trying to detach from… gets like that sometimes), or you feel like your energy is extremely limited - try to set one goal for the day. Just the one. Even if it is just tidying your room, taking a shower or doing the dishes. Setting minor goals that you realistically feel are achievable - and achieving them - are very helpful in gradually building up the confidence in yourself that you will get past this part of your life. And that goes for all situations in life that are heavy - not just the detachment process.

3. Find ways to keep your mind in the present and on the future.

So, you’ve started to begrudgingly get used to the fact that the person isn’t going to be around in your life anymore. You might even have started to realise how much your stress-levels have reduced, and begun to realise that this whole process was an excellent idea. However… not quite enough time has passed for you to be fully immersed in your journey, and you still think about them pretty much all the time. You’re feeling like a nitty trying to cope without crack for the first time in years, and that’s okay.

While it is important to allow yourself to fully acknowledge your feelings and mourn the loss of what used to be a very strong connection, you definitely owe it to yourself to try your best to remain present during this time. As tempting as dramatically starting out the window while it rains and thinking about them - like you’re in a music video - may sound, doing this is guaranteed to keep you firmly lodged in the past, and very stagnant in life… and we don’t want that.

Just do a couple songs to get the dramatics out of your system, then get ready to boss the f*ck up.

Now might feel like the worst possible time to start something new, especially since your emotions are probably all over the place and you’re finding it hard to focus on little else. But trust me when I say that this is exactly why you need to do it - you need to reclaim your life by putting yourself back into the main focus of it. And what better way to do it than starting a project you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t because of insecurities and/or self-doubt?

Regardless of if it’s pursuing a new hobby or even starting your own business, having an activity that brings you joy, challenges you and pushes you to set and exceed goals for yourself is imperative at this kind of time in your life. While a lot of the detachment process is pretty much trying to force yourself not to think about someone - thus making you want to think about them even more - having a passion project is a healthy way of willingly keeping your mind in the present and on your future. This, because you’ll constantly be looking for ways to improve your skills for yourself and your success in life.

Personally speaking, this blog was the perfect passion project for me back when I started my own detachment process. It still is - despite my inconsistency in writing, there actually isn’t a day that goes by without me thinking about future posts and what messages I want to share with whoever ends up reading it. However, since my writing does involve a lot of reflecting on past situations, I’ve decided to expand my creativity and start selling my art (check it out here, we love a cheeky and shameless self plug!). Focusing mostly on drawing, getting more involved in the art community, investing in art supplies and researching drawing methods lately has definitely made me more present and motivated… and I’ll even go as far as saying that I’ve forgotten about the people I’m detaching from at times.

The point I’m trying to make is that doing something you enjoy for your own mental wellbeing is one of the most rewarding parts of this whole detachment palaver. When you fully deep how much of your time that used to be spent worrying and stressing yourself out over someone trash, and focus that time on something creative that actually benefits you and makes you feel better about yourself, you’ll soon find yourself asking yourself why you didn’t start earlier.

Of course, it is important to remember that while feeling passionate and motivated in your creative/business ventures after feeling like sh*t for so long is a great thing, you should still make room for sitting with your feelings from time to time. Especially in the beginning. There’s a very, very fine line between using a hobby to empower and uplift yourself, and using it as a distraction to not think or feel at all. At the end of the day, it’s all about finding a good balance that takes into account where you currently are in your healing process - over time you’ll realise that you won’t need as many “days off” to be in your feelings, and trust me… that realisation and feeling is phenomenal.

4. Forgive and heal.

I just love how I’ve bunched these two together into one cute little step like they’re not the hardest part of the process. In theory, forgiving someone for yourself (not for their benefit) makes a lot of sense, but let’s be honest… a lot of us lie to both others and ourselves when we say we’ve moved on and forgiven them.

I, for one, can confidently say that most people I’ve claimed to have fOrGiVeN still live in the deepest parts of my mind rent free. They might not be present all the time in the way that they used to since I started the detachment process, but once I get in my feelings their presence is often there as strong as ever… and this is okay. Of course you’re not going to magically forget how someone treated you just because you’re committed to moving on, but there comes a certain point where you realise that all you’re doing is going round and round in circles in your mind, while time is just passing you by. Think about it - how many hours of your life do you reckon you have spent in bed, staring at the ceiling dramatically while fuming over a situation in which you were done dirty?

If you’re anything like me, the answer is BARE. And don’t even get me started on how the amount of hours increased more than tenfold during the lockdown because I couldn’t even distract myself properly.

Actual footage of me re-deeping a vio at 4 am.

But as much as lamenting to yourself about how much sh*t you’ve let slide and how you’re never going to let yourself be treated like that again is healing in itself, at some point you literally feel yourself losing the plot from replaying the situation in your head so much.

This is a sign that it’s time to heal and truly move on. It’s time to evict them from your mind… because they have millions of pounds in rent arrears at this point… and that can’t run, because what kind of disrespect?! You deserve better than shitty tenants, or worse - squatters.

Ok, enough with the renting comparisons because I can’t concentrate while chuckling to myself. The thing about healing and moving forward is that there is no one size fits all solution that works for everyone, so all I can really do is speak for myself and hopefully provide some tools that you can use to tailor your own healing journey.

This is going to sound very dramatic and depressing - because it is - but I’ve noticed that for me, the past creeps into my mind in the form of happy memories and good times… inevitably making me reminisce about people that used to mean a lot to me. This might not seem like anything harmful - surely there’s nothing wrong with reliving some good times in your head, right?

Wrong. For me, it starts off all cute and positive - but then my mind starts to wander. I start to remember other memories with the person. The bad memories that made me not want to have them in my life anymore. The memories in which I realised exactly how worthless, disrespected and unappreciated they made me feel… and what was meant to be happy reminiscing turns into either sadness or frustration, because now I have to re-open their case to really make sense of how much they had me f*cked up back then. Aaand before I know it, hours upon hours of angry analysing have passed by. Time that I’ll never get back, which will never sit right with me.

The way I’ve managed to combat this is by throwing myself into my own self-growth and self-love journey. In simple terms, placing all my focus on my mental wellbeing, my future goals and personal development makes it gradually easier to leave the past in the past - because the more I evolve, the less I associate myself with past versions of myself where I may not have been as strong, secure and assertive, as reminding myself of my worth has made me now. I can now understand and accept why I chose not to see the disrespect at the time - usually because of my former attachment issues, or because I deluded myself into thinking that the person cared the same way I did. El oh el.

Basically, I realised that a lot of my attachments to these toxic people came from a place of unresolved trauma, lack of validation and low self-worth. Once I identified these issues and started working through them, I noticed that placing my focus on understanding myself instead of someone else made things easier to cope with - because while I’ll never fully understand how someone else's mind works, I can work on understanding mine because I’m literally in it 24/7, 365.

In other words, healing and forgiveness is all about YOU and your development, and has very little to do with the other person in the long run.

Another large part of the forgiveness process for me is dedicating some time to use what I know about the person that I’m trying to detach from to understand the “bigger picture” of why they treated me the way that they did. A vast majority of cases just made me realise that their actions, thought processes and ideas were literally just a series of trauma responses and projections that they weren’t aware of - or were aware of, but refused to address.

Either way, this is where my empathetic nature works in my favour - because I know what it’s like to not be able to swallow your pride and deny certain negative aspects of yourself. Admitting that you’ve been in the wrong and that you need to heal takes a great deal of self-awareness and humility - traits that the people I’ve dealt with definitely do not embody. The unfortunate truth is that a lot of people might even live their whole life deluding themselves that they are okay, that their actions don’t hurt others and that they are not to blame for anything. When I realised this, I noticed that a lot of my anger started to fade - and I started to pity them instead, making forgiveness slightly easier. What’s important to remember here is that while pity can make you want to bE tHeRe for the person and help them heal, it’s actually very much their personal journey. You can’t help someone that doesn’t realise they need it, or that doesn’t want to be helped - so all you can do is leave them to it and focus on your own life.

Another important aspect of forgiveness and healing is remembering that it is inherently an act of self-care, and not a service you’re doing to the other person. You’re not “letting them off easy”, “letting sh*t slide”, or “letting them win” by choosing to not allow the situation poison your thoughts, feelings and present anymore. You’re choosing your mental health, sanity and future - all very valid reasons for jUsT LeTtInG gO, if you ask me.

“But Liv! How do I know that I am truly ready to move forward? And how do I know that these feelings won’t come back and re-trigger me in the future, despite all this effort I’ve put into healing now?”

Excellent questions. I wish I had better answers... but the harsh truth for both is that you don’t. You have no idea what’s going to happen, how people are going to act, what will remind you of the situation or what is going to trigger you. You have zero control over the situation, and you’ll come to the ugly realisation that the world, in fact, doesn’t revolve around you and your comfort and mental health.

I know, right? Imagine my shock, horror and surprise when I realised this.

The truth is that life is going to keep throwing cute little triggering curveballs at you, and the only thing you can truly control is how you react to it. You can choose to let it poison your mind and mood… or you can simply sit with it, allow it to pass without attaching emotions to it, and then keep it pushing when you’re ready to.

I’d definitely argue that this part of the process is the hardest to achieve - especially when you’re an emotional drama Queen like myself. However, once you get to that point where you can let your triggers and memories pass without affecting the present… you’ve pretty much won, because nothing can rattle you anymore. You become truly unf*ckwithable, and I can’t wait until I get to this stage of my process.

In the meantime, it’s all about constantly reminding yourself to stay in the present, because life will keep going on regardless of where your mind is at.

5. Be grateful for the process and do not look back.

I know, I know - feeling gratitude when you’re neck-deep in the sh*t is infinitely easier said than done. When you’re there ugly crying in the mirror, the last thing on your mind is going to be “Aw, look how much I’ve grown! I love that for myself! Well done, me!”. However, when you’re all exhausted, cried out and feel that zen feeling afterwards (you know what I’m on about), take time to acknowledge that while it feels like it’s never going to end now, one day you’ll be able to make your peace with what happened and that it will never happen again.

Be grateful to yourself over your resilience, how much you’ve learnt and how highly you must regard yourself for pushing yourself through this whole experience - because as you know by now, it is extremely hard.

When you can learn to see past the pain and emotional distress this whole process has caused you and find silver linings that you can be grateful for, it’s finally time to start looking towards never looking back on the situation ever again. Or, at the very least, being able to think about it without attaching any emotion to it, and just letting the thoughts pass by without any judgement before gently bringing yourself back to the present and getting on with your happier, stress-free life. Sometimes it can be easy to romanticize an old connection when a lot of time has passed, and you start to forget why you were so angry and hurt in the first place. In these cases, it’s important to remind yourself of why letting go and keeping it pushing is so important for your growth. Here are some things I like to consider when I feel myself spending too much time on memory lane, reminiscing and lowkey wishing I hadn’t been emotionally intelligent enough to recognise I needed to move forward:

Where would I be - emotionally and mentally - right now if I hadn’t decided to put myself first?

If I met someone new that reminds me of the person I’m detaching from, how would I react?

How have my current friendships and other relationships changed since deciding to focus on detachment and healing?

When comparing my past state of mind to my current one, what has changed in regard to how I view myself? How I view relationships/friendships?

How has pushing myself being the best version of myself set me up for future relationships, friendships and generations (if I end up having kids)?

Spoiler alert: I can tell you now that you will realise that you have grown so much without even realising it. Seemingly behind your own back, you’ve become a self-aware, self-loving, no-sh*t-taking, confident powerhouse that would rather have all your toenails slowly extracted before even considering letting someone get away with disrespecting you ever again. You will realise that everyone currently in your life is there because you want them to be - not because you need them in any way. They’re there because they love and support you the way you deserve to be - but you know that if anyone was to act up, it’s curtains… because now you know that anyone that doesn’t consider your mental health and happiness important has no place in your life. And that’s on Tampax Compak Super Plus.

I want to end this post with a personal story from my own detachment process. As those of you that have been reading my blog for a long time know, one of the biggest reasons why I even started this blog in the first place was to have an outlet for my emotions and to help myself to heal after a bad breakup.

When I say I thought I was going to die, I’m not even being dramatic or exaggerating. I legit thought that I would never be able to move past it, or get over him. Back then - despite having a decent background in psychology and understanding the importance of expressing my emotions - I chose to bottle things up (except for in therapy) and turned to unhealthy coping methods so I didn’t have to feel so much. I can’t lie… life was very sh*t, and I honestly struggled to see the point of even being alive anymore.

Fast forward about a year - I made the conscious decision to take responsibility for my healing and detachment, because I realised that holding on to someone that hurt me so badly wasn’t healthy. Deciding to let go of all the promises we made to each other, the memories and good times is hands down one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I realised that just clinging onto the past just because of familiarity was not the one. Plus, at this point I had started to be able to admit to myself that the relationship was never as perfect as I had made it out to be in my head - making it easier and easier to gradually let go. I begrudgingly continued the healing and detachment process, winging it and hoping for the best.

Major time skip to just a few months ago - I’m literally just at home, chilling, minding my business. All of that. I went on the calendar app on my phone to check something, when it suddenly hit me that what would’ve been our seven year anniversary had passed a few days before… and I hadn’t even noticed. A date that used to mean so much to me and get me in my feelings just a year before, had now completely slipped my mind.

What’s more is that when I clocked it… I felt nothing. Nada. Zilch. And that’s when I fully realised how oblivious I had been to the bigger picture of my healing journey, because the sudden apathy towards a situation that really had me considering if life was even worth it anymore really came as a surprise. Even now, as I’m writing this and am clearly thinking about how dirty I got done… I feel nothing besides how proud I am of myself, and I love that for myself.

If I - THEE most sentimental, dramatic and emotional woman on the planet - can get there, trust me… you definitely can too. I had to figure out the “formula” for myself, but now that I’ve given it to you, you literally have no excuse for not letting that toxic and useless somebody hurt you anymore. Get to it!

With that being said, I wish you a happy, stress-free, peaceful and self-loving 2021, because you deserve it. I can’t wait to share my new ideas with you in the new year, so I’ll see you on the oThEr SiDe.

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #selflove #Empowerment #opinions #detachment

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fiatluxnyc · 3 years

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Everyday Is Sunday”, Part II: Evolve or Perish.

Rachel Darden Bennett is the first of the small business owners and freelancers to be profiled in this series.

May 17th 2020:

Whenever possible, her routine is to start her day with lemon water followed by coffee and prayer, and at some point, meditation. Once the cycle is completed, she is fully engaged to take on the task of therapy. She has done this innumerable times to begin the course of her work…

…Ten years into her practice, Rachel Darden Bennett is a yoga instructor with a supremely enviable client list.

In it, are several Fortune 500 companies, several hedge funds, and some of the most prominent artistic institutions in New York City, consequently the world. Most notably her practice is incorporated at Richemont, also known as Compagnie Financière Richemont, the Swiss parent company for noted luxury brands such as Cartier, Chloé, Jaeger-LeCoultre, Montblanc, Panerai,Vacheron Constantin, and Van Cleef & Arpels. A cursory description of her overall relationship to her various clients would portray her as something as a yogi Wendy Rhoades (actress Maggie Siff’s character), the corporate psychotherapist-cum-career motivator from the television show Billions.

As well-ensconced as she seems to be in her market segment versus as well-capitalized as those who are willing to pay for her services are said to be, what could be described as a quiet sea change of commercial death would soon shudder Gotham down to its basest economic and social foundations.

Not even to the resulting tsunami is she impervious.

Evolve or perish?

New York City, 1999.

Perhaps limited to New York State there exists a regional oxymoron whence coming from upstate and going “downstate” (New York City) is seen as going “up” somehow. This was a long-held ambition of a teenage girl who arrived in Manhattan at nineteen. From time she was a little girl she wanted “to go up” to New York City. The impression of New York City in Breakfast at Tiffany’s laid indelibly in her reverie.

Her move landed her at Saint Mary’s residence, a temporary home for women operated by the Daughters of Divine Charity located on East 72nd street between Second and Third Avenues. Her dream is to be a ballerina and singer like so many young girls that came before her and so many more that arrived right up until the day the city was placed under its current regime. The New York City of 1999 is radically different from the one in 2020, the former was a place where alertness and alacrity in the streets were everyone’s countenance. Rachel, the small-town upstate girl now took to carrying mace simply to get her bagels. Soon, her personal life would receive a double-barrel of tragedy and anguish as she would lose both of her parents to illness shortly after her arrival…

March 14th, 2020.

…The girl from twenty-odd years past and the previous century is now grown. The contours of her adolescent face reached the clear angular definition of maturity, yet the strawberry blonde locks remain. The grown woman is now purposeful and there are objects being moved to and fro, lifted and deliberately placed from the status quo ante to a newer, more compact location. At this moment, her neighbors in the Upper West Side are assisting in the load-in of her possessions into her rental car. Broadway is bereft of traffic, all the streets are quiet, the city as mausoleum.

Rachel Darden Bennett is conflicted, this city was Home long before she arrived twenty years ago from upstate New York and now she is a city partisan. She is a sharer of the privations of the city, from its occasionally brutal nor’ easters to the blackout in 2003 and to the financial crisis of 2008 to the present era. She isn’t supposed to be making her exit from this stage, she is supposed to be suffering with the denizens of the city. Leaving the city is making her feel in some way, a traitor. She came to the city to share in its struggles and in its wonders, not cut and run at this sign of trouble.

By now she is almost finished with her packing. Bennett still wrestles with the guilt of leaving the city behind. However, her reasoning is sound: New York City has become a hot zone, the locus of the majority of the reported cases of COVID-19 in the United States and she has a boyfriend in South Jersey; therefore, her Hegira is necessary.

An associate posts a New York Times article that garnered widespread attention on his social media and upon reading it, she is gauging the true depth of the calamity that has befallen others and concedes it is impressive in its reach. A sort of mental filter is erected from within, a kind of protective cognitive dissonance under which she must labor under to keep from being overwhelmed with various datapoints about the coronavirus: some true, some false, some contradictory, with the occasional red herrings thrown in between.

In recalling her thoughts at approximately on that date, she recollects the shock of the city’s economy abrupt halt: Regarding the situation with her business, she offers testimony: “But then, when something like this happens — -out of the blue — your income…becomes ether,” says Bennett.

On March 11th, 2020, a corporate client cancelled a relationship with Ms. Bennett. The next evening, her eyes clear, she recognized the moment she was fitfully trying to make manifest on her own: the moment came for her to change tack and take her business in another direction. Upon the realization that the pivot was necessary, she announced to her clients: she was going to continue her practice and maintain the professional tethers via virtual classes.

An unexpected generational fissure formed between the Boomers and members of the other generations represented in her classes. The Boomers largely decided to quit while they were ahead and not follow Bennett headlong into the digital breach with her virtual classes and with them went a needed source of revenue. Bennett’s appeals to their reluctance was met with no success.

Passionately she states the hard reality of operating a business even in the best of times, “There’s no two weeks for [Me]…Nobody’s got your back but you. There’s no 401K, there’s no sick days…”. She also speaks of a scarcely noticed psychological cost of operating her business and of others: business owners need community otherwise they operate in a silo. Bennett has little idea how others in her field are faring due to a silo effect created by the urgency of the situation and the daily strain of having to be the chief executive for virtually every function of a business.

Discipline and Ingenuity Defeats Disaster

In relaying her experiences in the ballet schools, she evokes an image of a laconic yet powerful sisterhood training for difficult and subtly martial tasks in cloisters. Subsequently, this training imbued her with a surprisingly Spartan mindset and an appropriately stoic, almost Bene Gesserit mantra:

“Everything is a choice,”

Perhaps it is a recalcitrance forged by the iron discipline necessary to train as a ballerina, is why Bennett takes the position of defiance in the face of city-wide calamity. The purpose of the mantra is reflected in her saying, “you choose to be a victim”. She refuses to be that rounding error of coronavirus casualties.

Rachel added,“…the coronavirus is a contradiction…it’s horrific and it’s hurt my business, but in the exact same breath, it’s helped my business. Because for the longest time, I wanted to build an online platform because that is the way of the future.”

Recently, she taught a Zoom class for The Wharton Club of New York, a social club for alumni of the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton Business School. It was attended by sixty people on her Patreon page and it has opened her up to an even broader audience in terms of geographic location. At times she is simultaneously teaching students in countries like Canada, England, and Los Angeles.

Contraindicative to the health of her business model she is a firm proponent of the tandem “social distancing” and “shelter-in-place” regimen; indeed the same protocols that rendered her business model virtually obsolete. This is likely another manifestation of a temperament now fully annealed to the social consciousness prevalent in large cities. Irrespective to how initially debilitating in concert they are to her business, she views both measures as part of a larger albeit painful responsibility. Bennett’s optimistic and defiant resolve is balanced by a pragmatism reinforced by the realities of operating a business. Ms.Bennett harbors no illusion of an end of “the new normal” and the idea of desiring a return to something approximating the world before March 13th 2020 as a sunk cost.

The yoga instructor also recognizes her advantages in the current climate. “I’m not impoverished,” she says with a tone of a muted defiance. She understands that many business owners in the city do not have her ability to temporarily relocate in the midst of a pandemic and still be able to run their businesses. For that, she is grateful.

When asked about her prognosis for the near-term success of her business, she says:

“People need yoga more than they ever did”.

Ms. Bennett can be reached at www.rachelbennettyoga.com or her Instagram @rachelbennettyoga

For “Everyday Is Sunday” Part I, click here.

We are Fiat Lux | NYC: A brand management/public relations firm from New York City. We provide brand management services such as social media management, creative direction, ideation, and event management to creatives and small businesses in the creative industries. To inquire about our offerings feel free to contact us at [email protected].

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mullersquad · 3 years

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Tainá Müller about her real-life heroine: "I want to play women who help other women"

by Renata Maynart | Oct 16th, 2020 | Interview

As the leading actress of "Good Morning, Veronica", she celebrates the possibility of uniting work and personal concerns

While talking to Revista Donna by phone, the actress Tain�� Müller made a restrained outburst.

- I was sure that 2020 would be my professional year - she said, referring to the jobs postponed by the pandemic.

But, a few days later, her protagonist in Good Morning, Veronica, a series inspired by the book by Ilana Casoy and Raphael Montes, would confirm her pre-coronavirus foreboding. Netflix's production was among the most watched in Brazil in early October. And she took her name to the center of a debate around a theme that she has already been a spokesperson for on social media: “Brazil is a brutal country to be a woman.”

PHOTO BY GUSTAVO ZYLBERSTAJN

Like a heroine who fails, cries and takes a beating - literally -, the 38-year-old Porto Alegre woman met one of her purposes with the recently launched project, as she likes to say. Graduated in Journalism and pursuing a postgraduate degree in Contemporary Philosophy, Tainá also looked for a way to put her visibility at the service of the search for real solutions to urgent problems. In the second week of social distancing, she started to invite guests on her Instagram profile to talk about topics such as intersectional feminism, indigenous issues, mental health, and the environment, among others. All works are the result of a restlessness that accompanies her in her studies and in her personal relationships - and which should take a new format on YouTube.

Living in São Paulo with her husband, director Henrique Sauer, and her son, Martin, aged four, she returned to the city where she lived since she was modeling, after an eight-year stint in Rio de Janeiro. Also there is a part of her family nucleus, the sisters and presenters Tuti and Titi Müller. A united trio that helped shape another one of her ambitions:

- I want to play women who help other women.

Revista Donna: How was it to join in a project with a theme that touches you personally?

Tainá Müller: The question of women has always touched me, it is a [thing that I] harping on the same string. When I joined this job, I was aligned with this purpose. There are some that are pure entertainment and have their value. But this one got me in the vein. The theme speaks of Brazil, a brutal country to be a woman when we look at the numbers. These are questions that move me a lot, I came from a female environment, it is one of my life's purposes to interpret women who help other women. She is not a tireless heroine, she makes mistakes, but her intention moves me.

RD: And sharing the set with Ilana Casoy, in Good Morning, Veronica?

TM: Ilana is a very interesting woman. I sat down to lunch with her and I lose track of the time [When I talked to her]. Having her and Raphael Montes (authors of the book that originated the series) on the set was essential. They watched the scenes, helped build the character, and They were also very generous. They understood that the Veronica they wrote is a little different from my version. And I am happy that they are happy with this collective construction.

RD: You commented that you think it is strange to see yourself in the rerun of the soap opera Flor do Caribe.

TM: I was in my fourth soap opera, I hadn't even moved to Rio, I lived so much afterwards. When we talk about 2013, we remember that social upheaval, which resulted in all the madness. I changed, but so did the world. It’s somenthing like who blinked, lost it. If you don't change your values, you are left behind.

RD: You are writing a book with Piangers. How's it going?

TM: It was very curious. I wrote an unpretentious text for Globo called Mãe Não Dorme, about that first-time mother thing, in awe in the world in full transformation. The Companhia das Letras called me, but I kept thinking that, to make a book about motherhood, I should have six children (laughs). Then they brought Piangers to create as if it were a dialogue, talking about how our creation was, and what we pass on or not to our children. Also what we want to heal from this relationship. We met more than a year ago, sometimes we recorded the conversations and we are polishing it. The book comes and goes. It is for the beginning of next year at the latest. It's just not ready because of me (laughs).

PHOTO BY GUSTAVO ZYLBERSTAJN

RD: You moved to São Paulo because of your work and soon the pandemic came. How was the adaptation?

TM: It was a big change, because Martin was born in Rio de Janeiro, he was used to the city and his friends. When my husband and I got jobs in the city, I also thought that my sisters were here and that it would be nice to have this base in São Paulo after eight years in Rio. When social distance started, Martin was adapting in the school, it was a blow. . Now we have a pedagogue who comes home to give him a boost, so he doesn't just stay on his cell phone. And finish repairs on the house that we might not have time to do.

RD: When did you realize that it was time to create new projects in this period?

TM: When we stopped, they said it would be for 15 days, but I went to do some research and realized it was going to be a long time. But I confess that I thought I could still go back this year. After the initial fright, the anxiety started to hit, the feeling of finding everything very suffocating, of seeing people in delicate situations, the whole conduct of this crisis. It was then that, in the second week, I started the lives with people who were thinking about alternatives. What we are experiencing is the result of a society that we invented. And everyone knows, even if intimately, that something has not gone right. Somewhere we fail, disconnecting from the environment that gave us life. All of this made me reflect.

RD: How is the choice of the guests?

TM: Djamila Ribeiro was my teacher in intersectional feminism, and I thought this debate was urgent. Thinking about whiteness, don't just post hashtags. It was a subject in which she was very active, she was already active in my life. Coincidentally, protests came to the United States soon after. We artists are a little bit of an antenna of the world, [it’s like] we understand the collective thinking. My studies about indigenous people was also on the agenda. I have been trying for a while to decolonize my thinking by doing postgraduate studies in Contemporary Philosophy. The Western society has done a lot of incredible things, but not because I want to be different or nice, I think we have to look for other ways. Humanity has a very wide range of thinking that cannot be excluded.

PHOTO BY GUSTAVO ZYLBERSTAJN

RD: When did you come up with the idea of thinking about a format for the YouTube lives?

TM: It was really cool to get the people feedback, and Arruda (Mauricio Arruda,director) is my friend and has a research very similar to mine. We decided to organize, make the most edited thing, cute and put it on Youtube. Or, who knows, even thinking about a bigger project, for a platform later on.

RD: You say that your family has always been very loving, but with a macho model. When did you notice this dynamic?

TM: I have always been uncomfortable with this thing in our culture, with men sitting around drinking beer and women doing the dishes. And I didn't understand why. I only had an idea when I got older and, even more, after I had a son, when I realized that my mother raised three children alone, without a nanny. And until then, I had the thought that “my mother didn't work”. When I realized it, a deep respect came, because I really don't know how she got it. I bought this narrative for a long time, today I don’t buy it anymore.

RD: How has Martin's creation been since this awakening?

TM: I am giving him a very different creation. In my culture, I saw a lot of “stop crying, men don't cry”. Obviously, Martin doesn't hear that phrase. I run away from toxic masculinity, I don't want him to be a reactive guy. And it is in everything, from the orientation of what he has to do when he is beaten at school, to his values.

RD: You use the internet a lot to promote your work. How do you perceive the relationship of people with social networks, mainly talking about women?

TM: It is a lot of the timeline that we choose for you. Mine only has a wonderful woman (laughs). But, yes, the vulnerability of people on the social network is very important, it brings less loneliness. I am not interested in those who only sell wealth and perfection. I follow powerful women who are in the struggle, they influence culture in a positive way. The social network brought a lot of light, a lot of democracy, but it also has a lot of shade, a lot of comparison. It is important to think about what each profile arouses you.

#taina muller #tainamuller #bomdiaveronica #goodmorningveronica #revistadonna #interviews #flor do caribe

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myawrites · 3 years

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HOW TO MAKE YOUR TRAVEL WRITING MORE INCLUSIVE

A guide to avoiding writing solely from the Western gaze.

BY MARIANA ZAPATA

2020 changed every aspect of how we travel, from our ability to do so to the safety measures we now take.

As the world comes to grips with the failings of many of its systems, particularly as they pertain to marginalized communities, especially people of color, who have been disproportionately affected by the double pandemic of COVID-19 and police brutality, there is one more aspect of travel that needs to change: how we write about it.

The origins of travel writing are frequently tied to colonizers meandering around the lands they’ve taken, reporting on the customs of the locals, who are often portrayed as less civilized or even as “savage.”

Our idea of travel today may not be all that different. Online travel groups are often filled with fantasy posts about laying on a beach while a sexy Brown person serves you drinks or pictures of White people surrounded by Black children whose lives they claimed to have changed on their two-week trip to “Africa.”

Travel writers aren’t responsible for the behavior of tourists, of course, but we are partly responsible for the images that inform collective perceptions of places. The beach fantasy and the white savior complex were most likely first concocted by travel writers of yore, then sustained by travelers.

When we write for a white Western audience that we assume to be cis, heterosexual, and able-bodied, we effectively close the door to everyone else – and that’s not acceptable. Here are some steps travel writers can take to ensure a wider, more inclusive lens.

Stop and consider

Hold yourself accountable at every step of the writing process, beginning on the road.

“Make sure that the places you’re exploring aren’t just white-owned and operated. Instead, seek out local businesses and places of interest that are owned by members of the community…and that are inclusive of people of all abilities,” says Priscilla Blossom, a queer Latina journalist specializing in travel, culture, health, and parenting.

But don’t tokenize these places in your articles to earn diversity points – authors need to treat them with the same respect as they would a white-owned space.

Before pitching a story, “consider if you are the right writer for an assignment,” advises Uruguayan-American travel journalist Lola Méndez, adding that writers should consider whether they should write about places they’ve never been to or have merely passed through.

Don’t promote places or tourist practices in your content that are disrespectful or exploitative. For example, as a Colombian-American, I find it painful and infuriating to see promotions for Pablo Escobar tours that glorify a mass murderer. Would mass-shooting tours in the U.S. ever be OK? Would you want foreign tourists coming to gawk at the poorest neighborhoods in your city? I hardly think so. Grant other places the same courtesy you’d want for your own community.

Diversify your sources

“Whose voices do you value in your trip planning and research?” asks Bani Amor, a gender-queer Ecuadorian travel writer, in the Bitch Media piece “Check Yourself Before You Wreck Someplace Else.” They add that “travel guides overwhelmingly reflect those who hold the most power in this world – white folks from the West.”

To combat this, Black travel blogger Kay Kingsman advises writers to diversify the media they consume. When you do this, she says, “your writing naturally becomes more inclusive.”

Award-winning travel journalist La Carmina from LaCarmina.com uses her personal experience to inform her approach to writing. “[I] think about the broad spectrum of individuals in my life and include perspectives that they would find most helpful and meaningful,” she says.

But you have to do more than follow a couple of bloggers of color and pat yourself on the back. While researching and interviewing, use local sources and experts who represent marginalized perspectives. Kingsman does this by reaching out to travel bloggers who are local to the destinations she covers on her blog, The Awkward Traveller, and actively smashing stereotypes and misconceptions in her content. Seeking the most authoritative voices to speak about a particular place is essential in travel writing.

Watch your tongue

“In addition to proofreading for grammar and flow, we should look over our writing carefully and consider whether our words are thoughtful to all,” says La Carmina.

Countries are not static postcards but complex webs of intersecting histories, cultures, values, and identities.

Blossom nails the heart of the language problem as “anything that really embraces white culture but ‘others’ the culture of non-white [people] or anyone/anyplace deviating from the standard.”

For example, American writers often use the word “exotic” to describe eating bugs, even though it’s a common global practice. Yet the word is rarely used to describe unusual European dishes like calf’s head. This sends a message that travel content is meant for a Western traveler.

The way we write can and often does erase and invalidate the culture, history, and experience of marginalized groups and locals. One of the best examples of this is the use of the word “discovered,” both in a historical context and as a personal claim of travelers. It is often said that Western settlers discovered the giant sequoias of the Sierra Nevada in California, despite the fact that indigenous groups had known about them for centuries. Likewise, travelers don’t “discover” a spot that locals have always known about, they simply become aware of it. Calling instances like this a “discovery” implies that something only matters when outsiders (usually Westerners) know and care about it. Local knowledge and perspective is not given importance and is thus erased.

It’s not enough to avoid problematic words. You can cut out all controversial words and still write a narrative that focuses on the Western gaze and treats locals as caricatures that simply provide flavor to the story. Again, treat locals with the same nuance and respect usually given to white Western communities.

Don’t glam things up

Countries are not static postcards but complex webs of intersecting histories, cultures, values, and identities. The tendency to glamorize destinations to appeal to fantasies of leisure effectively prioritizes the wants of Western travelers over the lived experiences of locals.

“Be honest about the complicated history that formed the place – colonization still impacts each and every place around the globe that was conquered by foreign forces. Don’t erase that history in favor of gushing over beautiful architecture,” says Méndez.

For example, many solo female travel writers tout their safe experiences in Mexico as proof that the troubles in the country have been exaggerated. This ignores the crisis of trafficking and femicide that local women have suffered for decades.

Black travel writer Teresa Lynn Hasan-Kerr explains that while we don’t want to perpetuate incorrect stereotypes about the countries that former President Trump would call “shithole countries,” we also shouldn’t use our limited experience in a country to gloss over its realities.

Acknowledging problems is also a way to keep readers safe, particularly travelers of color, who often experience discrimination and harassment around the world.

Before moving to Morocco, Hasan-Kerr thoroughly researched the country. None of the information she found prepared her for the anti-Blackness she faces daily. “I really wish someone had briefed me about the racial harassment [in Morocco],” she says, stating that having that information available would have been helpful to her.

Guidebooks already include disclaimers and warnings pertaining to the safety of female-presenting travelers, so extending the courtesy to travelers of color should be a given.

Inclusivity in travel writing goes well beyond the scope of writers’ influence. However, we do have some say in how we present our own work, in the sources that we use, and in the nuance we add to our content. The lack of diverse editors in the industry is not an excuse to continue writing from a Western gaze.

Mariana Zapata is a Colombian-American travel, sustainability, and lifestyle writer. She has lived and worked around the world, making a home in cities like Miami, Paris, Seoul, and Bogota. You can usually find her at street food stands, judging fashion inaccuracies in period films, or falling victim to her non-existing sense of direction

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dipulb3 · 3 years

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Lots of people moved out of New York and California in 2020. Here's where they went

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/lots-of-people-moved-out-of-new-york-and-california-in-2020-heres-where-they-went/

Lots of people moved out of New York and California in 2020. Here's where they went

“We thought about leaving Seattle the past couple years, but we weren’t ready,” said Jenkins. But when the pandemic made remote work more of a reality for him and they realized they could live anywhere, they packed up and moved to Idaho. “The weather is a big improvement. The traffic is better. It is very welcoming. People are strangely friendly.”

Contracts from moving van companies Atlas Van Lines and U-Haul show that people who chose to move to a new state headed away from the population centers on the coasts, with New York and California losing the most residents in 2020. And NAR’s report found newly untethered remote workers left big cities for the suburbs.

“New York and California had much higher outbound activity,” said Barry Schellenberg, Atlas Van Lines president. “It could be the cost of living, tax rates or the political climate, perhaps.”

This pattern is expected to continue into 2021, according to NAR. With more people deciding where they live based on their own personal needs instead of their commuting time to work, it could mean long-term growth for suburbs and smaller cities.

“People want to migrate where they want to go and a lot more companies are allowing employees to work remotely,” said Schellenberg. “Very large organizations have broadcast to their employees: You don’t need to be close to the office anymore.”

A ‘land rush’ in Idaho

Idaho topped Atlas’ list for states with the most inbound moves, meaning more moving trucks were arriving in the state than leaving it. Also in the top 10 were North Carolina, Maine, Alabama and New Mexico.

“The Boise land rush, I call it,” said Jenkins, a consultant aerospace engineer who relocated to Idaho In November. “I’ve never seen so much construction. Not just houses. Schools. Roads. Hospitals. Churches. It is exciting.”

The pandemic had accelerated Jenkins’ shift to remote work, allowing for a quality of life move that they had been considering. The Seattle protests last summer against police brutality and systemic racism, which turned into violent clashes with the police, pushed them further.

“It was a tipping point,” he said. They inked a deal on a new construction home in June and moved into a rental in Idaho in November. They expect to move into their new home this April.

Barbara Dopp, an agent with Keller Williams Realty Boise, said that her team had their best year ever in 2020 and half their sales were to buyers coming from out of state.

“I had people calling me, primarily from California and Washington, and they would say, ‘I just have to get out,'” Dopp said. “We are a conservative state and people are attracted to that.”

She said buyers coming to Idaho were looking to get away from changes in taxes, local ordinances or the curriculum taught in schools — and they were seeking more safety, she said.

“Their perception was that it wasn’t safe to walk their streets, that things had changed and they weren’t going back,” she said.

Rick Halstead, who also works in the aviation industry in Seattle, and his wife Julie also left Seattle for Idaho as a result of the pandemic, protests and what he described as a steady decline in their quality of life.

“The pendulum of the political environment really swung in the past 10 years,” Halstead said. “There were more and more protests, which would snarl traffic. Opioid problems. Homelessness. Crime. It was encroaching where we lived.”

Over a couple weeks in June, a curfew was placed on their neighborhood for safety reasons, police helicopters circled overhead and then, Halstead said, there was a shooting.

“It didn’t feel like home anymore,” he said. “Arriving in Idaho has felt like going back 15 years. You get the sense in our neighborhood you’d be okay leaving the doors unlocked. We’ve met more neighbors in three months than we met in our old neighborhood in seven years.”

The couple now work remotely permanently and sold their 20-year-old home in Lynnwood, a Seattle suburb, for $630,000. They bought a new construction home that is 600 square feet bigger for $429,000 in Meridian, Idaho.

“It’s bigger, brand new and the house payment is $1,000 less [a month],” said Halstead.

Most surprising, he said, his health is improving.

“I just had a physical and my blood pressure was a lot lower,” he said. “I haven’t done anything different but move here and it went down by 20 points. I feel a lot less anxious. I kind of felt like I was always looking over my shoulder.”

The Southeast is another draw

Tennessee was another top destination among people looking to relocate last year, according to a report from U-Haul, which tracks the net gain of one-way U-Haul trucks entering a state versus leaving over the course of a year. Texas and Florida, which had a lock on the top two spots since 2015, came in second and third, respectively, last year.

“I’m seeing a lot of people from California move to Tennessee because they’re attracted to our lifestyle,” said Jeff Porter, U-Haul Company of Nashville president. “Tennessee has no income tax and is very business friendly. There are plenty of jobs. People and companies are taking note.”

Edward Hill and his wife, Margaret, moved out of their one-and-a-half-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood and bought a home in Nashville in May. The couple had become concerned about the impact of the pandemic on their health and mobility in the city at the beginning of March. With both of them shifting to remote work full-time, they left on March 11 and initially went to his family’s home outside of Charlottesville, Virginia.

They had considered a move to either Virginia or Tennessee to be near family. By May, they had decided to make a permanent move to Nashville to be closer to Margaret’s family and to support her work in the music industry.

“Normally we wouldn’t have moved last year,” Hill said. “We would have renewed our lease, but the pandemic just gave us the boost to get out of there.”

Because of the pandemic they haven’t gone out much since buying their new home. But they have a lot more room to live, a yard for their dog and there is good fishing — Hill’s passion — nearby. Plus, it’s a lot cheaper than Brooklyn.

“The mortgage is half of what rent was in Brooklyn,” Hill said. “Definitely a lower cost of living here.”

Leaving big cities for the suburbs

While large cities lost the most people during the first seven months of the pandemic, many residents that left didn’t go far, according to NAR’s analysis.

Between March and October of 2020, most Manhattanites moved to Brooklyn (33%), the Hamptons (29%) and Jersey City (8%), according to NAR. Similarly, most San Franciscans moved to a county within 60 miles of their previous home.

Suburban counties topped the list of places gaining the most people, while cities saw the biggest losses.

Williamson County in Texas, a suburban area outside of Austin, saw the biggest migration gains in the country during the first seven months of the pandemic, according to NAR. Another county with a large influx was Suffolk County, New York, home to the tony Hamptons.

In contrast, New York County (Manhattan) and Texas counties Travis, Harris and Dallas Counties (home to the cities of Austin, Houston and Dallas, respectively) lost the most people.

Atlas Van Lines, a large provider of corporate moves, saw a dramatic drop in companies relocating employees last year and a rise in the number of people doing it on their own.

The rise of remote work brought on by the pandemic is a major reason for the shift away from big urban centers, according to Schellenberg.

But despite the rollout of vaccines and optimism about a return to work, Schellenberg expects that shift to continue as many companies permanently adopt remote work.

“The pattern [in 2021] will be similar to what we saw in the past year,” Schellenberg said. “People will be moving away from coastal areas where there is a higher cost of living and going to places like Idaho, Arizona, Texas, Tennessee.”

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thereal20s · 3 years

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Hannah, 29

I never considered myself to be a social justice warrior, especially online. I am a firm believer that anything you post online should either be funny or informative, but politics and personal opinions are best kept to yourself. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I never used to think my voice mattered, that I wouldn’t necessarily be adding anything relevant to the conversation. I think how you act is more important than what you say, but the older I get, the more I realize that silence is complicity.

As someone who grew up in a pretty homogenous Massachusetts town, the default setting in my town was white. When I think back on it, a lot of my friends growing up were biracial (half asian mostly, though one of my friends from middle school was half black), but race never played a role in whether or not I wanted to be friends with anyone. It was always more important that you had a sense of humor. But again, I probably never really thought about race because I was never made to feel “other” because of it.

The first time I really became aware about racial disparity in today’s world was in 2012 after the murder of Trayvon Martin. I was in college at the time, but I was not fully aware of the realities of race in America. At the time, I thought the perpetrator acted irrationationaly out of fear, but I ultimately chalked it up to a tragic occurrence. I thought that the majority of Americans were basically good, and with Barack Obama as president, I thought that was proof that we were working towards a more equal society.

Two years later after Darren Wilson was not indicted for the murder of Michael Brown, I watched the Ferguson riots on TV. It broke my heart, but things started to make sense to me. When the system does not work for you, you tear it down.

After I graduated college and moved to New York City in 2013, things finally started to be put in perspective, because for the first time in my life the majority of the people around me weren’t white. My friend group now is incredibly diverse, and it has made me realize that my upbringing is not the norm. I am incredibly privileged, even if my life isn’t perfect.

This Spring of 2020 was a culmination of at least the last four years in America, but likely hundreds more. George Floyd’s death was symbolic of the unfair and unacceptable treatment black and brown people receive every day in America. Between police brutality and Coronavirus, which affected black and brown communities more severely than any other group in America, the killing of George Floyd was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I watched with a mixture of fear and pride as thousands of New Yorkers flooded the streets so their voices could be heard. Pride because I knew this signified a turning point in America, but fear because we were still in the midst of a pandemic, and there was a citywide curfew being enacted after sundown. Unsurprisingly, protestors were met with violence from the NYPD. For what? How can police brutality be solved with more police brutality? If anything, it just proved the protesters’ point.

Despite the response of the NYPD, the protests ultimately brought people together. In my neighborhood alone I saw people paint bedsheets with “Black Lives Matter” and fly them from their windows. The empty cafe storefront next to my apartment was transformed into an altar space for people to sit, think, and reflect. A community fridge popped up next door as well, so those in need could be fed, and those of means could donate.

I could now see that although we may feel small and powerless on our own, that together we are powerful beyond measure. Ultimately, you don’t know what you don’t know, but once you do it’s time to step up and make a change. As a white woman, I can use my privilege for good. I can support black owned businesses, donate to bail funds, educate myself, and just show up for others. And things still won’t be perfect. This is only the beginning. We have a lot more work to do. But if we work together, we can change the world.

#thereal20s

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hk1375 · 4 years

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Anxiety

In 2020, the world came across another pandemic that pretty much has made life very difficult for everyone around the world. While we are all dealing with that, 2020 has had many more difficulties that has made life even harder: California wildfires, the increased police brutality and murders of African Americans in the US, the constant divide between the left and right, murder hornets, an election year without good ways to vote for everyone. And more global and national issues.

And yet, for many, 2020 is just terrible for other personal reasons. I have also fallen victim to this area.

When we broke up at the beginning of July, we spent the month thinking that we would continue being together until she left at the end of the month. And at the end of month, I never said that we couldn’t be friends. We cared about each other. I just needed some time to address my personal issues.

I am not without my own problems clearly. I had and still have serious difficulties when dealing with mental health. I have a rage that I had difficulty dealing with. I have poor reactions to overwhelming stress that lead me into deep depressions.

And I took the time, the two months, an albeit short amount of time. to work on recognizing when I have these thoughts. When I feel the rage. Stress. Depression. And i’ve been focusing on addressing these problems. And figuring out how to react to these. And I haven’t had a fit of rage or depression really. Because those are just thoughts that don’t manifest themselves.

I thought I had made some real progress. I never didn’t care about her.

I find myself to be someone who doesn’t bullshit things. If someone asks me something, I don’t tell them what they want to hear if it something that I truly care about. When I said that we could still be friends after some time, I meant it. When I said that there was a chance for us to get back together, I meant it. I didn’t approach the break up thinking that we would definitely get back together but it would have been ignorant to think that I didn’t want to get back together at all.

But then I had to send her a message. And she told me that she’s already seeing someone new.

And I feel all sorts of bad.

1. The initial feeling of betrayal: we spent 2.5 years together, almost 3. And 2 months is not a long time. and she started seeing someone already. It was like all of that time, all of the love I shared, all of the cares I gave, meant nothing. So easily cast aside.

2. The secondary feeling of incredulous anger: the rage comes through once I think about betrayal. I want vindication. I want her to know how she makes me feel right now. I want her to know that her decisions are causing me the pain that she never wanted to. I feel lied to. Like nothing she said and felt was actually true.

3. The third feeling is one of worthlessness: all of the time I spent thinking about how to better help her, better love her, better care for her. All of it seems so meaningless. And if what I do with all of my time is meaningless, I am meaningless.

4. Depression: seems pretty obvious. I feel no hope. In my experience, the women that I find any sort of interest in don’t find any interest in me. To most women, I am a friend or an acquaintance. I am a strange person but I act in the ways that make me feel good because I can make people laugh or show someone I can genuinely care. I can be vulnerable because it helps to build relationships. I don’t bullshit others. I feel as though if I care for you at all, you’re getting the real genuine me. So when the genuine me seems to be undesirable, I feel like there isn’t anyone out there for me. Because the best that I can do doesn’t want me. I should say the best that I have done so far. But that just seems like so much that I’ve done amounting to nothing.

5. And lastly, the overwhelming anxiety: the one thing that I’ve learned that I want in life is to find that one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s an oxymoron maybe. Because you can’t search for that with that intention. The idea of “one true love” or “soulmate” makes the idea of dating seem so stressful. And without any hope of achieving the one goal that is already so stressful and difficult, I am feeling a physical manifestation of anxiety. The pressure in my chest, the spiral thought process, and the restlessness.

I only messaged her because I wanted to reconnect. I wouldn’t have if I didn;t care. But I do care. because part of me does want to get back together. Though I knew that it wasn’t going to be now. Two months is not a long time.

two months

and she found someone to replace me in two months.

The salty side shall speak first in this next segment:

Boy do I wish that this is a rebound that’s doomed to fail. I know her. She has less of a resolve than I do when it comes to dealing with pain and using logic to reason things out.

Yeah, that;s a shitty thing to think. I want her to realize that anyone she could find during the short time she was dealing with break up is nothing. Cannot help actually address the pain she feels.

I want her to realize that who she found does not satisfy what she’s looking for.

I want to be who she’s looking for.

And I don’t want to be that person. Because I feel betrayed. She actively made a choice that actively hurts someone else. I want her to know the pain she caused me. She is not better off than me because she was able to find someone. The two of them can’t even respect the fact that this relationship even happened. So why should I care about her at all when she’s actively ignored this relationship?

The next segment is the side that feels no hope:

I want to run back to her. Pretend nothing happened between us and just go back into it. No one else deserves her because they don’t even fucking know how much work I put into this. I know her. I know what she likes. I know how to take care of her. I know the relationship we built. And i don’t want to lose that.

I just want to make it so that we are happy and can live a happy life together. Because we always had that potential. And I always wanted to leave that possibility open. I just needed some time.

Now, the realistic and rational side:

These are all likely thoughts that are manifesting because I said something to her. She doesn’t want to be friends it seems. She has her own life she’s living.

Going back to her right now WILL NOT HELP ME.

repeat that phrase:

ANYTHING I WANT TO DO TO GIVE IN TO THE DARKER SIDES OF ME WILL NOT HELP. GIVING IN DOES NOT HELP. BEING ANGRY TO HER WILL NOT HELP.

It sucks because I know the logic and reasoning. Doing all of these things are giving in to this primitive human emotional side while doing the reasonable things to take care of myself in the future are more work on me but it will benefit me more. But I’ve been doing that my entire life. So many others are giving in to their emotional pain. like they are on a tv show and there aren’t consequences.

How badly I want that for myself. To live in a TV show so that I can live the drama without having it actually mean anything. I would just know and then I can move past it. Because there is no real pain.

But that’s not rational. It doesn’t help me.

Two months is not a long time. And maybe she’s just giving into the pain. Which is sad. I thought we were on the same page about staying home, not meeting people, dealing with pain and relationships.

I;m rationalizing trying to get back together because maybe I can help her with her pain. She used logic and rationale to do what’s best for her before. Is it because of me? NOT LIKELY MOTHERFUCKER. Even if that was true, she has to live her own life. And deal with things for herself.

And that’s the only hope i have. That salty feeling of hoping that who she has found now isn’t what she really wants.

And i don’;t want to think that.

but I do

What will help me? moving on

how do I move on? I need to keep living my life

I will post more music, work hard.

Maybe she will see them. I’d be lying if i said that I didn’t care if she saw but I know i want her to see

But she;s likely made it so she won’t see.

am i supposed to make it so that she does see?

or try to make it so that she’ll come across it?

no, not likely

but that’s because the reason for posting anything is so that I can do something for myself

for my own sake

to help deal with my pain

in a more helpful way

to make something positive, something creative, to focus on something that helps with my own creativity

It’s only been a few days and I feel very overwhelmed.

I wake up at 6. I take edibles at night because I can;t fall asleep anymore.

It’s exhausting

It’s amazing that some people are just able to sleep and have a good night’s rest

I am clearly not built that way. I must have a crutch

I feel weak

it will take some time, but I will be stronger because of this

That’s the only truth

and one more time for the me at home:

Don’t give in. It WILL NOT help.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, me. I know you’re going through a hard time but people are here to talk, to support, and to love you.

You;re not alone. It may feel like it right now, but you are not alone.

Someone is out there. And you will be happier than you ever have been. and ever will be.

You are strong. You deserve happiness. You are not worthless. You are creative, fun, loving, caring, genuine and want the best for others.

Don’t let pain take that away from you.

And you;re not alone.

you are not alone

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jobsearchtips02 · 4 years

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$130 Billion in Small-Business Aid Still Hasn’t Been Used

Owners are becoming reluctant to borrow from the federal Paycheck Protection Program. Some are even returning money.

Shelly Ross returned her $75,000 federal loan after concluding that her San Francisco business, Tales of the Kitty, wouldn’t be back soon.Credit…Anastasiia Sapon for The New York Times

June 10, 2020Updated 2: 07 p.m. ET

In April, when the federal government offered $349 billion in loans to small businesses reeling from government shutdown orders in the pandemic, the funding ran out in just 13 days, prompting Congress to swiftly approve a second round of $310 billion.

Small businesses have since grown more wary of taking the money.

As of Tuesday, more than $130 billion was left in the fund, known as the Paycheck Protection Program. Even more striking was the fact that on many days last month, more money was being returned than borrowed, according to data from the Small Business Administration, which is overseeing the program — highlighting its messy execution and confusing rules that deterred some small businesses from using the money.

Thousands of companies that got loans have sent the money back, according to lenders. For some owners, the program’s terms were too restrictive; for others, the criteria for loan forgiveness was too murky. Some public companies that received these loans returned them after a public outcry, and in the initial rush, some borrowers accidentally got duplicate loans that they, too, returned.

A total of around $12 billion was returned, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said at a Senate hearing on Wednesday. The amount of loans outstanding under the program dropped to $510.2 billion at the end of May, from $513.3 billion in the middle of the month, according to data from the Small Business Administration.

By Tuesday, the amount of approved loans had inched back up to $511.4 billion — indicating that changes Congress made to the program last week to make it less restrictive could be pushing more money out the door.

But obstacles remain. The program’s chaotic execution has “chilled the willingness of many small businesses to even apply for loans during the second round of P.P.P. funding, and has caused many businesses to return disbursed loans out of fear of doing something wrong,” Tony Wilkinson, the chief executive of the National Association of Government Guaranteed Lenders, a trade group, said last week at a hearing of the Pandemic Response Accountability Committee, an oversight group.

The turn of events is notable for a signature program of Congress’s $2.2 trillion coronavirus relief package, which only a couple of months ago was caught in an intense borrowing frenzy by desperate business owners. After all, small businesses are still in distress. Even as states begin to reopen, millions of stores around the country remain shuttered and could go out of business.

On Wednesday last week, Congress moved to loosen the program’s rules and give businesses more flexibility in spending their aid, and President Trump signed the bill on Friday. The change was widely praised by small-businesses advocacy groups and will help many borrowers.

The amended rules could help the remaining $130 billion move faster. “My expectation is that we will definitely see businesses that were on the sidelines now take it,” Mr. Mnuchin said.

But having the terms of their loans revised on the fly yet again — which has happened repeatedly since the program began in April — is a nightmare for borrowers as they struggle to salvage their companies.

“The boundaries move like a video game,” said Caren Griffin, the owner of Spa Universaire, a hotel spa in downtown Denver. Her business has been shut down since mid-March and won’t reopen until July, at the earliest.

Ms. Griffin was on the verge of returning her $66,272 loan because she didn’t think she would be able to use it within eight weeks, as the program originally specified. The new changes give her 24 weeks, allowing her more time to decide whether to use the money when — and if — she reopens.

She isn’t sure she will. Refitting her spa to comply with new safety guidelines will be expensive, and no one knows when customers will be willing to get high-touch services like massages and facials. Ms. Griffin, who is 63, wonders if she would be better off closing the business and retiring.

“I’m running through a dozen different scenarios for what our cash-flow structure might look like if we reopened with changes in our hours and services,” she said. “We won’t go back to normal. That’s clear.”

For many small businesses that depend on foot traffic, like restaurants and nail salons, even the more relaxed relief terms might not be enough.

“I cried the day I sent it back,” said Shelly Ross, the owner of Tales of the Kitty, a cat-sitting service in San Francisco, who recently gave up on using her $75,000 loan and returned the money. “I thought this would save my business, but I was worried about being financially ruined if it wasn’t forgiven, and no one could give me any real answers about that.”

Ms. Ross started Tales of the Kitty in 2003 and expanded it into a thriving venture with 14 employees and a packed schedule of 10,000 client visits a year. In March, her sales plummeted because of the pandemic, forcing her to lay people off.

To have their loans fully forgiven, companies must keep the same number of employees on the payroll as before the pandemic, at the same wages. That’s a hard bar to clear for business owners whose ventures remain shut. Ms. Ross expects her sales to stay slow at least through Thanksgiving.

The paycheck program was largely meant to keep workers off unemployment rolls by funneling money to their employers, and it made progress toward that goal. Job numbers released on Friday showed gains in industries that received small-business loans and suggested that the program had helped offset at least some of the economic damage caused by the shutdown.

More than 4.5 million companies, from solo gig workers and small restaurateurs to retailers and professional services firms with fewer than 500 employees, got help. For most, it was a lifeline.

But many lenders are ready to be done with the program. Even though the government will keep processing loans until June 30, Wells Fargo stopped taking new applications last month. So did many community banks, including OceanFirst, a regional bank in Toms River, N.J., that has lent $500 million to 3,000 businesses.

Updated June 5, 2020

Does asymptomatic transmission of Covid-19 happen?

So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.

How does blood type influence coronavirus?

A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.

How many people have lost their jobs due to coronavirus in the U.S.?

The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.

Will protests set off a second viral wave of coronavirus?

Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.

How do we start exercising again without hurting ourselves after months of lockdown?

Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.

My state is reopening. Is it safe to go out?

States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.

What’s the risk of catching coronavirus from a surface?

Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.

What are the symptoms of coronavirus?

Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.

How can I protect myself while flying?

If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)

How do I take my temperature?

Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.

Should I wear a mask?

The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.

What should I do if I feel sick?

If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.

How do I get tested?

If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.

Requests had slowed to a trickle, said Christopher Maher, the bank’s chief executive. He cut off new lending because he wanted to pivot his employees toward the next major program challenge: loan forgiveness.

“It’s going to be much more difficult to work through the repayment calculations and documentation than it was to make these loans in the first place,” Mr. Maher said.

The paperwork for proving that a loan complied with the terms is extensive and complicated; the Small Business Administration’s 11-page application for loan forgiveness is much more intricate than the loan application itself. Any portion that is not forgiven becomes a debt that must be repaid within five years. (The initial term was two years.)

The lack of clarity around loan forgiveness cemented Ms. Ross’s decision to return her loan. She considered simply paying her workers to stay home for eight weeks, which the program allows, but she worried about having to lay them off again when the money ran out.

Then, the week after she got her loan, the Small Business Administration released its forgiveness application. Ms. Ross tried to run the calculations for her business, but her staff is mostly part-time employees with variable hours. She consulted her accountant, her bookkeeper, a lawyer and her lender to figure out how much of her loan would qualify for elimination.

None could give her definitive answers. Scared she would be stuck with a big debt, Ms. Ross sent the money back.

Many trade groups for lenders and small businesses, such as the Consumer Bankers Association and the Small Business Majority, have asked for blanket forgiveness for loans of less than $150,000. So far, the Small Business Administration and the Treasury Department — which is calling the shots on most of the paycheck program’s terms — have not indicated any willingness to grant that.

Adam Markowitz, an accountant in Florida who is working with dozens of clients who took paycheck loans, said he was unable to figure out whether his own loan, for $34,500, would be fully forgiven. He’s waiting for further guidance on the many unresolved technical questions.

“The only consistent thing about this program is that it’s been a mess at every stage,” he said.

from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/130-billion-in-small-business-aid-still-hasnt-been-used/

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