#quit my job and started doing this stuff

[dotsz]

I actually do not want to be a graphic designer I want to be paid a living wage for pencil drawings and that’s it omg. I cannot do this I cannot make a logo I’ll throw up on you

#dots rambles #QUITTING MY JOB BEFORE I EVEN TECHNICALLY STARTED IT #lowkey it’s mostly due to my anxiety disorder and undiagnosed adhd that’s IT it’s starting to ruin my life for real 😍 #but for real every time I think I hate art I pick up a pencil again and just draw and the voices stop… it is so blissful… I have so much fun #I think it’s just logos and doing brand stuff. I think it’s just bc applying to jobs in general is SO frustrating

[lexicals]

Thing 1. I have accepted the new job which is scary scary but hopefully will be good. It's technically retail but a much more laid back form of it & still arts related & it's a management position so I am hoping for the best. Thing 2 related to this is that I have to hand my notice in tomorrow and that is gonna be Bad. That is not gonna be a fun time. I am gonna get so guilt tripped n then I am gonna have to spend 2 weeks in awkward "everyone knows I quit" limbo. Thing 3 is that I am getting soooo good at beatsaber 😌

#wastepaper basket #The biggest thing w the new job is that it's a 4 day week so I'll have time to start working on my comic in earnest n that is very exciting #I do beatsaber for exercise n also stress relief it is satisfying to hit stuff #So I've been playing quite a lot recently just to destress and apparently it's paying off lmao

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad. #whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’ #I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn? #it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence. #like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5. #overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names. #can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

[corset]

I swear on everything fucking [unintelligible]

#If my boss does not stop putting random shit in the box that is supposed to be explicitly for things I am meant to file and not Everything #Else I will literally start tearing these papers apart with my teeth and I’m not even kidding #If I can’t file it yet it doesn’t fucking go in this box!!!! You’re the one who made the rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #Stop putting new unifinished employee forms in here they go in the second box down oh my god!!!!!!! #I hate having to sort through shit that I didn’t cause just to do my job #It doesn’t help that as a rule I detest lack of organization in MY workspace #Quit putting random shit in here. Quit moving things around. Quit TAKING my STUFF. I don’t CARE if you’re my boss or not this is my space #and you are being extremely disrespectful and annoying and intrusive! I want to fucking scream!!!!

[dawntheduckrb]

They put me downstairs at work :(

All thumb healing progress was undone in one evening apparently. It actually felt mostly fine on Sunday, until after work. They put me in an area I'm rarely sent to on Sunday evening, and I had to do a ton of heavy lifting. My arms are sore but it's like a post-exercise soreness (painful, but still very normal). My thumb felt fine allllllll day today, until I started to draw. Even with breaks, it still feels super tense, and now it's hurting even when I'm not using it. I'm gonna take that as a sign to stop for the night lol

I have one drawing I want to finish before school starts back up, because I'm worried it'll distract me if I don't have it done before then. Of course, if my hand prevents from finishing it, I'll manage, but that'd suck :')

On a lighter tone I feel very strongly about this cat in a blanket I found, I don't know why it amuses me so much but it's such a mood

#for those of you who dont know; i work at a package sorting/distribution center #I'm normally in the small package team where people who can't constantly lift stuff go (i have double curve scoliosis and back hurty) #but they moved me downstairs to a truck loading area to help the people that are normally there #most packages come from a series of overhang chutes and I didn't have to do anything with them #but everything thats too big/heavy/oddly shaped comes down a seperate larger belt system #these have to be manually sorted #my job was to take a barcode scanner and find a barcode on each package #then a little printer i was holding would make a sticker w/ that package's destination after i scanned its barcode #the thing is #those packages got up to 80 lbs and sometimes the barcode label was on the very bottom #i had to flip quite a few packages in a hurry because that belt does not stop while I'm printing the stickers #i guess between holding the barcode scanner and flipping over ridiculously heavy boxes #i completely destroyed my thumb again #splatoon didn't give me a problem today but i guess i dont really use my thumb much for that game #and even still #i took a whole four hour break between that and trying to draw #and i didnt even draw for that long #but now moving my thumb hurts worse than it did last week #idk what im gonna do when school starts :/ #this is where i'd say 'crying and sobbing atm' but im actually starting to tear up holy shit #wanted to post a drawing tonight but i cant finish it :') gonna grab some chocolate and curl up into a ball instead #will also try icing my hand tonight #i have also memorized those hand exercises and they are my lifeline right now

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

shout out to thomas from ghosts for yoinking me out of a panic attack before it could really get going

#was shaking and trying not to cry and floating somewhere on the ceiling #then friday im in love came on the radio and reminded me of him doing his stupid little dance and it made me smile and calmed me down a bit #but i gotta give myself credit for not panicking at the panic too much and feeding it more #time was when feeling the thing i felt from first year tm would've sent me into a week long spiral #feels so stupid tho all it was was my volunteering manager asked if i wanted to start doing a longer shift #when im already struggling doing two measly hours a week and nothing else like jfc #but that's cos im not on my adhd meds which make life yknow tolerable and im gonna try getting back on them next week #and i also don't wanna start anything else bc i wanna change my name first so it's not quite so complicated #hahaaa it's already complicated and confusing and frustrating as all hell #but ik if i can just be patient and take these few months to figure stuff out it'll be so much better in the long term #im getting support for the gender tm and I've made so much progress in a month #i still feel guilty and ashamed bc im not actively job hunting or doing more volunteering #and like im just making excuses to let my anxiety win when ik i can cope with it #but i can't handle going into another situation where im misgendered and uncomfortable with my name #im at the end of my tether with it and i need to figure it out #wahoo #mine #vent #in good news tho im pretty certain im a dude more sure about pronouns and have a potential name im thinking of!!

[vcrnons]

,

#shut up j #the back 2 work anxiety is so strong in me rn 😭 #esp because this week i have to uhhhh. hand in my notice for my current job so i can leave and start my new job #and the six weeks that follow are going to be so rough because !!!!! it will be a surprise !!!!!!!! to MOST of my management #i think they believe I’m trapped in a way bc I’ve put up with so much shit and never really complained until recently. so they just #don’t think i have it in me to walk? i guess? I dunno i do establish myself as a pushover quite easily #but yeah. those r not conversations im looking forward to. #and i just cannoooootttttt be arseddddddddddddddddd with the stuff i have to do this week either #ack ack ack ack ack

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage #everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me #bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check #and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info #and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less #expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school #which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there #like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away #or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town #and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown #but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets #its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn #or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep #i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time #so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b #agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling #like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult #cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive #allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity #unrelated

[trans-cuchulainn]

you know that bit in harrow where she hasn't slept for six days and she's insane and making soup out of her own bone marrow

that's how i feel currently

#haven't been able to sleep before 3am any night this week #am extremely burned out with second job stuff where i am having to manage a LOT of bullshit that is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY #(I AM NOT A FUCKING GRAPHIC DESIGNER) #(WHY AM I DOING GRAPHIC DESIGN) #(DO NOT MAKE ME LEARN PHOTOSHOP FOR THIS WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN MY FUCKING JOB) #feel like i am truly feeding people my own bones in an ill-conceived but vaguely genius murder plot #except i haven't quite figured out what the next step is yet #i just. need to sleep for a while #at least i only have to work 3 days next week bc my new 4-day week pattern starts AND we have a bank holiday #personal

[eyesopentv]

.

#miles thots #i posted that tiktok bc it reminded me to start doing it again #i used that technique since i was 13-14 when i would constantly fill my time with things to look forward to even if i wasn’t feeling bad at #the time bc i knew it could just happen and if i didn’t have something then.. that was it #it used to be like school concerts. trips. my favorite shows #then once i got a job and friends i started making actual plans so i’d always have something to do and if it ever got bad enough i’d just go #‘not yet- that person would be annoyed if you missed this’ or ‘no they need you at work’ #and every time one event was coming close i made sure to have a new one ready #eventually i started forgetting to set new stuff and it perfectly lined up with my last attempt and at the hospital they told me to try this #method that quite honestly i thought i was so original when i started it #anyways. that video reminded me to start picking things to look forward to again bc without that i wouldn’t have made it past 16 and i sure #as shit won’t be dying before i turn 22 #tw suicide #<almost forgot oops

[possiblytracker]

sighs. i need to reopen commissions

#i have enough time in a day to put aside some ''business hours'' to just sit down and do it at least. if i can keep it up #so ill probably trial that with the backlog first (priority) and then see what i can offer #it probably wont be too much tho i should keep it small scale. for obvious reasons #maybe ill offer pride themed stuff it is june after all.. #IDK idk. ill figure it out later. maybe run a poll #paid rent but i do Not have enough left to pay off remaining energy bills and feed myself AND host a friend later this month #and im pretty sure my student account runs out soon which would kill my overdraft and i dont want to find out what happens #if i still owe them money when that time comes #getting a job is not feasible so close to moving out either #tl;dr wuh oh besties!!!! #straits are not quite DIRE like im not gonna die if i run out but damn if it isnt a pain in the ass khSDVJ;; #serious enough that i gotta start marketing my one marketable skill again. sigh

[unnecessarilygrandiose]

.

#okay rant time lol. spoilers for 6x18 #i think i will have to say that this may have been my least favourite of all 6b episodes #haha ik i should probably give myself time to process the episode but idk i'd rather just write everything out #i just. just yesterday i was complaining about some people treating 911 like it's the buck show and today... it was the buck show? #and like! an episode being extra focused on one character is absolutely fine!! great even!! i really enjoyed 6x11!! #but in the season finale you expect each character to get a more equitable amount of focus right? #and like. even 4x14 which had a significantly less focus on eddie than one might expect had the will scene #and maddie had a bit less focus in that episode too but even she quit her job and it was obvious she was Going Through Stuff #and these slightly restricted screentimes gave jumping off points for their respective very spectacular s5 arcs #but this episode? like it wasn't that it didn't focus on other characters but it was mostly buck #and... idk man it does make sense given that he had the longest running plotlines this season but also #i just wish we had focused more on other characters as well #and like? as for buck? the couch? #i'll be honest i'm disappointed they introduced romance this season for buck at all when the season began with him choosing to be single #i really thought he wouldn't date at all for this one season at least yk? #and yeah ik we live in an amatonormative world but cmooon a guy can have his happy ending without getting together with someone #also bucktalia feels a little odd to me rn especially given the number of false starts they had #if they'd done this exact same storyline but at the beginning of next season i'd probably love it... right now tho i'm very meh over it #as in there is potential but it's like... idk mannnn why do we need him to end up with someone at allllll... i'm too aro for this shit #starting something new this close to the end of the season instead of tying off the two arcs that were already ongoing for him #was certainly a choice #aah well. at least natalia seems good for him. she came back which is the most important thing buck would want in a partner right? #still tho. i really wish we'd gotten to know more about the new henren baby than we did #i wish we'd gotten to see madney discussing plans instead of just the exact moment where they decide they want to marry on the patio #i wish we'd gotten the entire conversation that lead up to chris hyping (or snarking at) eddie to call marisol #i wish we'd gotten bathena hurriedly packing for their trip and may making fun of them as she helps #i just wish we'd gotten more of others!! #oh well. at least we still got chimney time and captain hen and cheddie working together and hen and eddie leaning on each other #you win some you lose some i guess #anyways if you actually read all the way til down here thank you for your time hehe

[pepprs]

in my despera (despair era)

#purrs #talked to her about everything and uhhh. i think she simply cannot compute that being a mom is about more than feeding your kid and bringing #them stuff when they need it (not that that isn’t important or real or anything ofc) or that she has hurt me in ways that run to the deepest #parts of myself. i think i did a good job keeping things civil and not being inflammatory like i usually am but everything i brought up she #refuted by pointing out something that i did wrong which i would then address / explain and apologize for and own up to and then when i woul #would point out stuff she did wrong she would just deflect w my own wrongdoings or change the topic or whatever. lol! and i told her she #night love me but i don’t think she likes me (hashtag ladybird) and she said that that was hurtful to hear but i explained why i felt that w #way and then she did nothing but continue to exhibit the same behaviors that make me feel disliked and quite frankly unloved by her so um. #lol and lawl and lel i suppose. the absolute hopelessness of it. she is never going to understand or change. there are the most basic things #in the world that i need from her which are also the hardest things in the world to ask your own mother ofr and i couldn’t even bring up the #favoritism thing bc everyone was around LOL but um. wow! she does not understand how she is hurting me and nothing i do or say will get #through to her. this will continue and worsen ♥️ i do not feel better i feel worse ♥️ every day brings a new reminder that she is emotionall #unavailable and unwilling to even try to be nurturing in ways that will impact me for the rest of my life ♥️ #delete later #the energy it took not to start crying during that and now im too tired. what a fucked up day it’s been #like it’s as if i didn’t even say anything. she is like i pretend i do not see it <3 #also she was like i had these same kinds of fights w my father but i realized what counted was that he was always there for me and i eas #like you’re not wrong but also… maybe that at least partially explains why you are an emotionally unavailable parent! lol!

[hummingbirdswords]

*drowning in research*

my little dream is starting to slowly become a reality. it's only been a week, but this is the longest I've ever stuck with a job idea that wasn't writing related. so it's starting to feel real and scary. but exciting? just wish life would stop, well, life-ing so I could focus more on this and less on worrying about the other stuff

#i don't know where to begin with the creating the things and buying the supplies or any of that #but research? i can do that #learning the general steps to starting an online business? i can do that #might need someone to sit me down when the time comes to start actually do stuff and remind me I can also handle that #but im not rushing this process or myself #im already overwhelmed and afraid I'll shut down and give up so I need to pace myself #there is only so much research and planning I can do before I need to start formulating tho haha #but real life stuff needs to happen first before I can start buying supplies and whatnots anyway #leena keeps track #gonna be my tag for all the little rambles I probably end up needing to get out during this process #vague on purpose until i actually have shit figured out and know for 100% sure I'm doing this #when I thought I would quit my current job it wasn't at all to do anything like this but this feels right #even if it means sticking with this job for a bit longer while I prepare for the next adventure #okay. enough rambles I need to actually work the job that currently pays my bills 😂

[heyitslapis]

Commission Status Update

I’m currently closing commissions for a brief period. 1, so that I can update my work examples & prices, & 2, so that I can focus on a few self-indulgent pieces that I’ve put on hold for a while now.

I can’t say for certain when I’ll be ready to open them, but hopefully by the end of March at the latest! When I open them again I will pin the new menu post to my blog & also reblog it a few times to let it be know. If you have any questions in the meantime, lmk!

#i know i just got the ability to start on comms again & im already closing them #but i wanted to get those couple i had on backorder out of the way before changing my prices & working on my own stuff #but i do want to open them again before the end of march bc im going to a con in april & i def wont have time to work on any then #also the extra money could be nice bc TBH i just quit & walked out of my banking job yesterday LOL so.....anyway lmao #emma rambles #my commissions #commission info #steven universe commissions