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worksofphiction · 7 years

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When You Try Not to Think About Elephants

Summary: When Dan suggests they cross something off their bucket list, Phil doesn't realize that it might change their relationship forever. And once it does, he tries everything he can to not think about it. But when you try not to think about elephants, you end up thinking about elephants. A.k.a - The Skinny Dipping/Roller Blading Fic. (Feat. Fluff and Kisses) Genre: SO MUCH FLUFF, Little bit of Anxiety and Angst Word Count: 12,994 Reading Time: 00:48:01 Disclaimer: Characters are works of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Dan or Phil and as far as I know, this never happened.

I haven’t written something of my own accord in a while, so here. Enjoy my little blurb before I carry on with the requests! xoxo

Read on Ao3!

The water was getting colder and the sun was falling faster against the horizon. Phil knew this meant that everyone would want to go back to their hotel, but he hoped if he didn’t say anything, nobody would move. He was sitting comfortably with his bum on the fine sand and his toes reaching for the water that was licking his feet every now and then. He sat beside Dan who’s eyes were closed, his face turned up towards what was left of the sun. Phil took a moment to appreciate the younger boy’s features as they were particularly well lit at this moment. Phil smiled and returned his gaze to the horizon before him, where the water met the sky, while his thoughts remained on this feeling of bliss that he didn’t want to end.

Dan and Phil hadn’t taken a real vacation in a while. Sure, they traveled to Florida for a couple weeks, but it was merely political. His family didn’t want him to miss the vacation and Dan tagged along because Phil didn’t really want to be alone with the bunch. However, as relaxing as it was, the vacation turned into a sequence of days where Phil felt he was attending a camp with an itinerary to prove it. It wasn’t his definition of relaxing.

But this. This was his definition of relaxing. Bryony and Wirrow invited them to an island in the Mediterranean and Phil couldn’t have said yes faster. Not only did their subscribers have no idea where they were, Phil was finally going to get a vacation away from his family and his usual friends.

Except for Dan of course.

Phil could never get sick of Dan. Dan was practically an extension of Phil himself. Some would go as far as to say they were like brothers, but Phil had a brother and even Martyn had his limit. Phil couldn’t spend more than a few weeks with his older brother without feeling like he was being smothered. Dan had always done a good job of keeping his distance when Phil needed it, yet even when he was keeping his distance mentally, physically he was always there. Phil appreciated that. Their relationship was something special for sure. Phil Lester was very lucky.

Just like they were doing now, Phil could sit in silence for hours and not be expected to say anything. Yet when he did want to speak, he could say anything and Dan would nod his head and listen. They were the perfect pair. It was as if they were built for each other at birth. Built to be best friends. Built to read each other’s minds.

“Dan! Phil!” Bryony yelled from a couple feet behind them. Both boys leisurely turned their heads, Dan’s eyes opening just a crack so that his brown eyes could get a glimpse of their friend. It was getting darker by the second and Phil could already hear what she was about to say. “I think the boy and I are going to head up to the hotel. You two comin’?”

Phil turned back to the water that was just now coming up and tasting his feet with its clear hue against the sand. He didn’t want to go in. Not now. Not when things were finally getting peaceful. This was a semi-private resort. There weren’t many people anyway but now that it was nearly night, the people had thinned and the closest person to them - aside from Bryony and Wirrow themselves - were at least a few blocks away. Phil felt as isolated as possible, even though he could almost feel Dan’s heat beside him. In fact, it was the most isolated he had felt in a long while. Even in his own house. Even when he was by himself in his own house. Even without Dan by his side.

“I think we’ll probably hang back for a bit,” Dan answered, throwing Phil back into the conversation. He didn’t notice how he had kind of drifted from it and into his thoughts. “See you guys tomorrow?”

It’s like Dan had read Phil’s mind. As usual. They had spent the entire day with the other couple and although it was wonderful to be surrounded by friends, Phil was sure that the others wanted a moment to themselves. They were actually a couple, while Dan and Phil were just friends. They needed more alone time than Dan and Phil did. But then again, Phil wasn’t complaining about the one-on-one time he got to spend with Dan when the other two dipped out. Not now, or ever. He was perfectly content with spending every moment with the other boy who just made him feel so comfortable.

“Goodnight then!” Bryony waved and Phil just got a glimpse of her genuine smile before her and her partner walked over a hill and towards the hotel. When Phil turned back around, he was met with a pair of eyes that he hadn’t really seen in the past hour. Between Phil being lost in thought and Dan soaking up the sunlight, he hadn’t gotten a chance to look into his best friend’s eyes.

“You look peaceful,” Dan commented. Phil’s smile was kind of stuck on his now semi-freckled cheeks.

“I am,” Phil replied, turning his head and looking away from the golden brown eyes and out at the sunset.

“Well that’s good,” Dan nodded and tried to follow Phil’s eyes so he could see the same thing Phil was seeing. “I take it you want to stay out for a while.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Phil didn’t need to specify why he was thanking Dan. Dan could already read his mind.

“Sure,” Dan said softly, sighing and closing his eyes. “You know, once the sun is gone it’s going to get colder.”

“I know.”

“You don’t like the cold.”

“I know.”

Dan chuckled a little and Phil didn’t have to look to know that he was rolling his eyes.

“Come on. Tell me what you’re thinking about.” Dan bumped Phil’s knee with his own, his dimple showing itself to Phil in full.

“I’m not thinking about anything.”

“Pfft.” Dan laughed again. “Phil, you’re always thinking about something.”

“Nuh-uh.”

Dan cracked his knuckles and leaned back against the sand. He was getting his shirt all sandy but it didn’t look like he cared. He let his head rest on his forearms as he stared up at the darkening sky. “Whatever you say, Philly.”

There was a moment of silence before Phil rolled his own eyes and looked down at Dan.

“Do you ever think about how we never really get a moment of pure isolation?”

Dan took a moment to contemplate. One of Phil’s favorite things about Dan was his ability to take him seriously. Many of the people he knew throughout his life, including his own brother, took the things Phil said as silly or random. They never took a moment to actually consider that maybe Phil was being insightful. Or maybe Phil was actually having trouble digesting some of his own thoughts. Dan always took that moment.

“Yeah, I think about that sometimes,” Dan responded slowly. “Are you referring to as in… two of us? Or us individually?” Dan smiled again. “Cause if you want me to leave you here alone, I can-”

“No,” Phil said, impossibly fast. “The uh…the two of us…I meant.”

“Well then yeah. I think about that,” Dan nodded, cocking his head. “I think about how we have so many ties to the internet that even at home it feels like we’re surrounded by people.”

Phil nodded. “Precisely.”

“Does wonders for us introverts, huh? It’s a feat that we’ve made it this far.” Dan joked, his friendly cynicism was actually comforting to Phil. He knew Dan’s language. He learned through hours of working him through those pesky existential crises. “One of the many downsides of being a celeb, I guess.”

Phil nodded again.

Dan sat up a little and looked around. Even though the world was darkening around them, it was clear that there was nobody in a 50-foot radius. “But we seem pretty isolated right now.”

“That’s what I was thinking!” Phil exclaimed, happy that Dan could feel it too. “I feel really relaxed. It’s like…”

“It’s like we’re completely alone,” Dan finished.

“Yeah.” Phil lied back in the sand to match Dan’s posture, turning his head to look at Dan. “It feels strange to be in a public place and still feel comfortable like at home, I guess.”

Dan hummed and Phil knew that meant he agreed. He knew that Dan understood why he wanted to stay out here as long as possible. Even though it was getting cold and he was starting to lose visibility. There were barely any lights and their only hope of vision was the half moon that was shining brightly above their heads.

And there they stayed for a long while. Neither fell asleep, but both closed their eyes. They soaked up the feeling of the cascading night as it fell upon them. Dan was right, it got colder, but Phil didn’t mind. He was warm on the feeling of comfort - given to him by his friend and the feeling of pure isolation. They had both left their phones in the hotel, attempting to unplug completely, and it was working. Phil had never felt such bliss.

They lost track of time without their phones and once the night sky had no trace of sun left, Phil sat himself up. The tide has risen slightly since they had sat down. He could feel the water tickling his feet more frequently and he knew that if they stayed any longer, they would get their shorts wet. Phil didn’t want that and he was sure Dan didn’t either.

“Hey.” Phil poked Dan’s shoulder lightly. “Hey, the tide is coming up.”

Dan groaned. “I’m so comfortable. I can’t be bothered to move.”

“Well, then I’ll drag you,” Phil joked, poking his best friend again. “Come on. I know you want to maximize the number of times you can wear those. If you get sea water on them, you’ll have to pick out a whole separate outfit.”

“Ugh.” - The sound of Dan knowing Phil had a point. He opened one eye and sat up. “Wow. It got dark.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, looking around. He couldn’t see anything except a small reflection on the water from the moon. “It’s pretty.”

Dan blinked at him. “Wow. That’s a first. Phil Lester thinking the dark is pretty.”

“I’m just saying! It’s quite peaceful.”

“That peaceful is why I wear so much black.”

“No. You so much black because you hate .”

“Not true.”

Phil shook his head, knowing that he wouldn’t win this play argument. Dan was too defensive about his wardrobe. Phil liked to tease him, but really he knew Dan’s intentions by heart. Dan looked good in black. He joked about it being the color of his soul, but secretly, Dan’s soul was more colorful than anyone’s. He wore the black to balance it out.

Just then, a wave of water came up higher than the others and covered both of their feet with the wet surprise. At first, Phil felt like squealing, but then he realized that the water was actually warm. The night had taken the warmth from the air but the water was going to take a while to cool down. It was still hot like the sun and it was almost like a giant heated pool.

“Holy shit, that feels nice,” Dan commented. “I forgot how cold I was until now.”

He rubbed his hands on his shoulders. Phil stared at the water.

“I wish we brought our swim trunks,” Phil sighed. “It would be a good night for a midnight swim.”

Dan was silent for a long while before he stood up.

“I’m going in.”

“Are you crazy?” Phil looked up at his younger friend who was tearing off his shirt. “You’re going to get your pants wet!”

“Who said I was wearing pants?” Dan shook his head as he shimmied out of his shorts. He stood before Phil in his underwear and nothing else. Granted, it was dark and Phil couldn’t see much, but he thought he saw a belly button before his friend turned. “You coming with?”

Phil looked back up at Dan with a bemused look.

“Dan, it’s pitch black. If you swim more than two feet from me, I won’t be able to find you,” Phil spoke his concerns. “Or the shore for that matter. We’re going to get lost at sea!”

Dan huffed. “Then we won't swim further than two feet from each other. And don’t worry. I can find our way back. There are some lights.”

Phil blinked at Dan but it didn’t look like he was going to win this. Dan was already pretty much naked. He might as well cave while he still could. The last thing he wanted was for Dan to go in and then Phil his mind after the fact. Then he would just be upset and too scared to go join his friend in the water.

“Fine. But seriously. No more than two feet,” Phil finally stood and he started removing his shirt.

“If it helps, you can hold my hand.” Dan offered, knowing that Phil would find great comfort in this gesture. Thank god for Dan Howell. Honestly.

Phil finished stripping to his underwear and he threw everything on a pile in the sand, right where they knew they could find it once they were done. He turned towards his friend who was staring blankly at the water with his lip in his teeth.

“So come on then. We this or not?” Phil asked, poking Dan’s shoulder.

“Hey…remember how you said we were pretty much completely isolated?” Dan said, his words falling from a mouth that Phil could barely see.

Of Phil remembered. It was the only thing he could think about on this beach.

“Yeah.”

“This might be the last time in a while that we are completely isolated in public,” Dan observed, his voice laced with something mischievous. They were already going swimming in their underwear. How much more mischievous could they be right now? “What if we check something off our mutual bucket list?”

Ah, the mutual bucket list. The list of things neither of them had done. Things that they both told themselves they would do, combined into one they would tackle together. It was a good idea, really, because neither wanted to go achieve a bucket list alone and they were always together anyway. But usually, these things took planning. Phil wasn’t even sure which item Dan was trying to check off. One didn’t just check something off a bucket list.

His silence motivated Dan to do something Phil wouldn’t have expected even if someone told him it would happen. Dan reached down and removed his pair of boxers. Once Phil figured out what he was doing, he immediately looked away and toward the ocean. It was dark enough that Dan wouldn’t see the blush creeping up his neck and into his cheeks.

He had known Dan Howell for nearly nine years of his life and he had never once seen the boy naked. Not even by accident. You would think, through everything that they had been through, Phil would have stumbled into a naked Dan coming from a shower or walked in on a naked Dan changing. But no, Phil wasn’t unlucky in that sense and this was a first. He didn’t even get a chance to see anything before he forced himself to look away. Dan didn’t seem phased at all, however. He seemed kind of amused.

“Oh come on, Phil! We’ve never been skinny dipping! You said so yourself, there isn’t another person for miles and it’s so dark it wouldn’t even matter!” Dan begged, his smile audible through his tone. Phil didn’t have to look at his friend to know he really wanted this. “We might never get this chance again and I don’t want to skinny dip alone, Phil. That’s so lame!”

Dan was right. If they were going to cross this off their list anytime in the near future, it had to be now. Otherwise, they would probably have to wait a while for another opportunity. Phil wasn’t against the idea. In fact, he really liked it. It only added to the freedom he felt at this moment. Away from the internet, his family and every other human on the planet. Skinny dipping was such a foreign concept for someone like him. Someone just famous enough that showing a willy to the world was kind of frowned upon. He understood Dan’s desire to do this and who was he to deny the request.

Phil laughed at himself and he nodded, reaching down and removing his own underwear and letting them fall into the pile of clothes that was now at their feet. Dan didn’t look down, thank God, but it did make Phil jump when Dan reached out and grabbed his hand. Dan seemed to notice Phil’s hesitation and he loosened his grip.

“You still want to hold my head?” Dan asked, probably trying to make sure he wasn’t crossing any lines. Obviously, the two had held hands before but it seemed a little strange when they were both completely naked.

“Yeah. Please.” His fear of the dark ocean wasn’t any less severe than a minute before. Dan chuckled and started walking, leading Phil down to where the actual ocean began. Phil followed, looking up and only up so that he didn’t accidentally catch a glimpse of his best friend’s junk while the moon hit them sporadically with light.

Soon, they were at the ledge. The water was up to their shins and if they walked any further, they would be submerging themselves into the water at a steady decline. Dan looked giddy as he pulled Phil faster, the water creeping up his body. Phil didn’t have time to think about how the warm water would feel on his bare body until the water reached his stomach and suddenly he was skinny dipping in an ocean he’d been staring at all day. Both Dan and Phil’s modesties were covered now, the water reaching their shoulders and their feet on the cool ocean sand below them. Phil turned to see Dan grinning wildly, his wet hand wringing through his hair.

Phil couldn’t help but smile, thinking about how crazy this was. How completely free he felt. There was nothing he missed more about the simple life than doing what he wanted when he wanted. He wouldn’t dare regret his fame or his ability to influence young minds, but it was nice to feel like a nobody for a while. A nobody with his other nobody friend who was just casually naked in the him.

His thought process ended when Dan took the hand he wasn’t holding Phil’s with and splashed some warm water on Phil’s face.

“Hey!” Phil laughed and splashed back. “What was that for?”

Dan didn’t answer, he just dunked himself completely under the water and stayed for a few moments. That would have terrified Phil if he didn’t still feel the little squeezes Dan was doing to his hand. Dan knew his worries too well.

When Dan did come back up, he came up closer to Phil, his face popping up about three inches from his own. Phil a little and laughed. Phil was clearly still very nervous about this and Dan was trying to make him feel more comfortable.

“Phil, come under with me! It’s so warm!”

Phil hesitated but he really wanted to. He didn’t even know why he was so nervous. Dan had the right idea. They were already in the water. The worst part was over. He reached up with his other hand and plugged his nose, allowing Dan to tug him under with his next plunge.

Everything was warm and dark and the only thing he could feel was Dan’s hand on his. He held his breath for a while longer than he thought he could, his heartbeat pumping slowly in his ears. The water was SO warm and Phil forgot for a second that he was completely naked and that Dan was beside him. He forgot for a second that he was even on a beach. He forgot for so long in fact, that he started to feel Dan’s hand pulling him up and out of the water.

“Phil!” Dan laughed and shoved his shoulder once he resurfaced. “You were under there for so long. What the hell? I didn’t know you could hold your breath for that long!”

“I didn’t know either…” Phil smiled, his tongue poking through his teeth. “Wanna see who can hold it for longer?”

Phil wasn’t even sure why he suggested it, but now Dan was giving him that competitive glare that Phil knew meant Dan was going to try and him. And then there was a countdown and he was underwater again, trying to distract himself from needing to breathe.

First, his mind went to the warmth again, letting the feeling of the water envelop his entire body. He thought about how the sun had worked so hard to warm this water and how the cool air just made it seem warmer once he was submerged. It was such a comfortable temperature to add to such a comfortable night. Then his mind went to Dan and how comfortable he felt beside him. Completely naked and exposed, yet totally at peace. He couldn’t say that about any of his other friends. He was surprised they had never been in this situation before actually. Especially during the moments on tour when they were both changing. He remembered needing to do quick changes in the same room with Dan, but they always did this thing where they would turn around and not look until the other person was done. Phil never thought about how in those moments as well, they were naked and beside each other. Then his mind went to how many times Dan had made him feel comfortable in situations he might never have been. Like the time they were staying the night in a “haunted” hotel and he thought he might die if he slept in his own room. Dan gladly let him bunk with him - explaining that he was also terrified and that if they slept together it would make them both feel better. Or like the time Dan offered to come on a two-week long vacation with the Lesters, just so that he didn’t have to feel so uncomfortable by himself. It wasn’t even a big deal, yet Dan offered without hesitation. Like with most things, Dan was completely aware of Phil’s inside thoughts. It was amazing. Phil was such a lucky guy to have a friend like Dan. How did he end up with someone so considerate? And not only that, Dan was the most interesting person that Phil knew. Even though he knew Dan better than any other human might, he learned new things every day. That boy’s brain was a mystery. It was as if he was a constantly changing puzzle that not only intrigued but calmed him. Every thought, every wish, and every plan that came from Dan was inspiring to hear. Most people thought that it was Phil that stood as Dan’s role model, and even if that were true, it was Dan who Phil deemed the more collected. In all fairness, they equaled each other out. One could not live without the other and their relationship was the most beautiful thing of it all. Phil only wished that one day, maybe Dan would-

“Phiiiil!” Dan whined from above the surface, tugging on his arm and pulling him up harshly. “We get it, you won! You don’t need to stay under there for that long to prove it.”

“I won?” Phil asked, blinking away the water from his eye sockets. Dan glared.

“Yes, you rat. You won.” He shoved Phil a little in the chest. “You were down there for at least 40 seconds. I was starting to worry.”

“Worry that perhaps I would stay under for twice as long as you?” Phil said with a cheeky grin. Dan’s mouth formed a line as he tried not to smile.

“Shut up.”

“What do I win?” Phil asked, knowing he was being a little shit.

“We didn’t establish prizes, Phil,” Dan argued. “So you win nothing.”

“Oh come on! I have to win something!” Phil whined, now 100% invested in this little competition they had since he actually won. Dan looked around as if he could see anything at all, trying to think of something.

“Fine…uh…you win…” He bit his lip. “A splash to the face!”

Before he even finished his sentence, Phil felt water covering his face again and Dan was laughing hysterically.

“Hey!” Phil grimaced, smiling because he couldn’t not. He splashed Dan right back this time, and with twice as much water as Dan had splashed him with. But now Dan was swimming away, his face turned away from Phil in an effort not to get hit. “Come back here!”

Dan was swimming away, but all the while, his hand still held tightly to Phil’s.

“You have to catch me first!” Dan yelled, laughing maniacally and if Phil was more of a smart ass, he could have brought up that he already did catch him. They were holding hands. Phil would have called this game unfair if he wasn’t so secretly glad that Dan was keeping his promise. Sure, Dan couldn’t swim away completely, but he was putting up a good fight. Phil just laughed and tried to splash Dan with his other hand until he couldn’t reach the other boy with his attempts.

“Okay, okay! I forfeit! You win!” Phil yelled, slightly out of breath from his furious splashing attempts. Dan froze and he turned around, mimicking Phil’s smile - the tongue poking out and everything. If Phil hadn’t just given up and if his arm wasn’t burning from the extra exercise, he might have splashed the younger boy for that as well. But he didn’t and Dan came swimming closer with a little help from Phil who was pulling his hand like a rope. Phil laughed and looked down at their connected arms. “It’s like in Gravity when Sandra Bullock is attached to those space ropes.”

Dan looked at him with a disbelieving stare. “Are you really bringing up another space movie reference?”

“I like space movies.”

“Me too, but stop thinking about space movies!”

Phil was quiet for a second.

“Now I can only think about space movies because you told me not to.” Dan glared at him. “What? Gravity is a good movie though!”

“Yeah but that makes me Sandra Bullock! And no offense, I don’t really want to be Sandra Bullock,” Dan joked, trying to catch his breath from his little swim moments before.

“You’d make such a great Sandra Bullock though! You have the hair already!” Phil reached forward and ruffled the younger’s wet locks. “And then you get to Bryan Randall!”

“Who the hell is Bryan Randall?” Dan asked.

“Sandra Bullock’s partner!”

“Why the hell do you know that?” Dan teased, rolling his eyes.

“Becuase I know a lot about Sandra Bullock!”

“But why?”

“I don’t know!” Phil threw his hands up. “Late night googling, maybe?”

“Whatever,” Dan chuckled and Phil felt him squeeze his hand. “How long do you wanna swim for?”

Phil contemplated for a moment and shook his head.

“Forever.”

Dan laughed. “I mean, same. But really, you don’t wanna get out yet?”

“Not really.”

“Good, cause neither do I.”

Phil hummed and he closed his eyes. It felt so nice to just stand in the warm water like this.

After a moment of silence, he spoke again.

“How often do you think Sandra Bullock get’s to go skinny dipping?”

“Phil!” Dan threw his head back in laughter. “What are you on about?”

“Seriously!” Phil laughed too, recognizing how ridiculous he sounded. “I’m not saying we’re on the same tier as Sandra Bullock as far as celebrities go…but like…I bet she has a hard time too.”

“Well, that’s exactly it, Philly. She’s on a different tier. She is rich. She can probably go skinny dipping anytime she wants,” Dan responded, finally taking the question seriously. “In her private beach with her private bodyguard.”

“We should get one of those.”

“A private bodyguard?”

“Yeah. And a beach.”

Dan chuckled and bumped his arm against Phil’s. “You’re so stupid.”

“I know.”

There was another moment of silence, this one longer than the rest, where Phil took a second to look up at the stars that he just noticed. He was going to make another reference to Gravity but he decided against it when he noticed how enthralled Dan was in the stars.

Phil knew Dan loved space. Which was probably why he wasn’t the biggest fan of the movie to begin with. He loved the idea of being in space, on the moon, away from people and things to stress him out. Once upon a time, not too long ago, Dan mentioned that if he had a choice, he would live in space with Phil forever and call it a successful life. Phil remembered blushing when he was told that because Dan didn’t care for people that much and to be invited on Dan’s little private island in space was a special honor. He knew Dan cared about him, but that was when he really felt it. Dan loved Phil more than anyone and it was an honor to love him back.

Dan’s eyes twinkled in the moonlight and Phil found himself watching Dan instead of the stars themselves. The stars were nothing in comparison to Dan’s bright smile, but Phil wouldn’t dare say that out loud.

“Phil.”

“Hm?” Phil didn’t look away.

“Why are you staring at me?” Dan asked, without raising his voice or even looking away from the stars above him.

“I’m not.” Now Phil looked away. But he could feel Dan’s glance on the side of his face now.

“You were.”

Phil stayed quiet. What was his excuse? His best friend looked particularly beautiful in the moonlight beside him. Not to mention, naked.

“Were you admiring my many chins?” Dan asked, his tone joking but Phil knew it was an insecurity.

“Quite the opposite actually,” Phil admitted, knowing it was the right context. Dan needed the reassurance. “You look really beautiful in this lighting.”

“Wow, Phil. Are you some artist now?” Dan laughed, a hint of blush barely visible on his cheeks. Not that Phil was looking.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

Phil kept looking up and away from Dan, knowing that if he turned towards him, he would be met with those beautiful brown eyes that seemed to sparkle now more than ever.

“Hey, Phil?”

“Hm?”

“If I asked you to kiss me right now, would you?”

Phil’s mind stopped. His heart stopped. His entire body froze. He hoped that Dan didn’t feel his hand tighten its grip.

Did Phil hear Dan right? Did he just ask Phil to kiss him? He allowed himself to turn his head slowly to meet Dan’s eyes finally, in an attempt to decode what he was just asked. But he was only met with more confusion when Dan’s eyes were completely sincere. They looked almost desperate.

“Um…sure,” Phil swallowed thickly, his voice coming out more broken than usual. He wasn’t sure why he said it. And he wasn’t exactly uncomfortable with the idea of kissing his best friend, which was entirely why the words slipped out in the first place. It scared him that it seemed so natural. As if kissing his friend was something that was supposed to happen right now. Perhaps that’s why Dan asked. Maybe he was also feeling that way.

“You don’t have to…I was just-” Dan stopped his sentence, a nervous ramble coming out in hopes of making the silence disappear. Phil didn’t want to ruin this strange moment and in that moment, Phil couldn’t think of a reason not to kiss him, so he tightened his grip on Dan’s hand and focused his attention to Dan’s lower lip. The lip that Phil had seen so many times in a completely platonic.

Phil wasn’t going to hesitate. He pulled Dan a tad closer with their connected palms, just enough so their naked bodies weren’t touching, placed his other hand on Dan’s jaw and he leaned in gently to place a very soft and chaste kiss on Dan’s lips. He held his mouth there for a while. There was no tongue, there was no heat, it was just soft lips on soft lips for about 5 seconds.

And it was bliss.

Phil had never felt so warm. He broke from the kiss but didn’t let himself go far. Their foreheads were touching gently and their bodies were frozen where they were. Dan had a rose color painted on his cheeks to match Phil’s and he watched as Dan’s eyes fluttered open.

“Th…” Dan was going to say thanks but he choked on the words and couldn’t spit the rest out. Phil heard it though, in his own head, and something about the way Dan said it made him want to kiss him again.

So that’s what he did.

Phil leaned in again, this time he scooched a little closer to Dan’s body - still not enough to cross a line (but neither were thinking about lines right now anyway) - and he kissed the boy again. This time, allowing his tongue to swipe the younger boy’s bottom lip. His mouth moved slowly with Dan’s and it got so quiet that all Phil could hear was the sound of their lips colliding completely and beautifully. Why they kissed before? This was incredible.

But the ocean was unpredictable and somewhere Phil knew that this couldn’t last forever. A little wave knocked Phil forward a tad and his chest fell flush against Dan’s. Then Phil felt their thighs collide (along with every other part of them) and suddenly, Dan was pulling away.

They stared at each other for a moment and it was like they had an entire conversation with just their eyes. On the one hand, they were both trying to figure out why that was so incredible. On the other hand, they knew they shouldn’t have done it. It occurred to Phil that this wasn’t just Dan’s fault for asking because he completely went along with it. The moment just seemed so perfect. It was as if they were just granting the universe a favor - doing what they were written to do in the line of fate. Purely for the aesthetic of the night. They were both trying to figure out where to go from here. Now that their most private areas had just made contact. Brief contact, but contact nonetheless.

“Um…” Phil looked down, clearing his throat. “It’s getting late.”

“Yeah. It is.” Dan smiled a defeated smile at Phil and they started for the shore.

Obviously, nothing could be solved with a silent conversation but at least Phil knew where they both stood. It shouldn’t have happened. They were both in the wrong. So why the hell did it feel so right?

Once they reached the point where Phil could feel the cold air on his unmentionables, he started to panic. Dan had still not let go of his hand and that was very kind of him, but now they were walking up to their pile of clothes, hand in hand and completely naked. Right after sharing the worlds most meaningful kiss that definitely shouldn’t have happened. Phil had every right to panic.

But he played it cool, not looking at Dan as they redressed themselves with one hand each. At least they were both decent now. At least Phil could look at Dan without crossing some other line.

It was when Dan finally let go of Phil’s hand that he really started to worry. Of course, Dan was destined to let go of his hand once they reached shore. They were no longer at risk of floating off into the darkness and Phil was pretty sure they could see a lot more over here than they could in the ocean. But when Dan loosened his grip and dropped Phil’s hand without saying a word, it felt like they lost something in that moment that Phil doubted he could ever get back. Everything was so perfect only minutes before and suddenly there was something wedged between them. Something neither of them could explain. Phil frowned and tried to keep his expression from reaching Dan.

The lights in the hotel were pretty dim and once they reached the double-bedded suite that they were temporarily calling home, Phil could see the same expression on Dan’s face. He tried not to look but it was hard not to wince when he realized they were probably both thinking the same thing.

Phil had never seen Dan naked. Not once before this.

Phil had never kissed Dan. Not once before this.

Phil had never felt this awkward around Dan. Not once before this.

This brain told him that the only logical thing he could do was hide in the bathroom and feign sleepiness. So he mumbled something about needing to take a shower and he the bathroom door shut, locking it and turning on the water.

He wasn’t even sure he had the capacity to shower. Not when he was this horrified. What if they ruined their perfect relationship? What if that kiss was literally the last moment they’d share together before parting ways as friends? He was not prepared for that.

He knew his brain was overreacting and he told himself to take a few breaths. Whenever Dan’s mind decided to do this, Phil always had him take a step back and talk it out. He hated that even his advice came from the memories with Dan but it was the only thing he knew to pull from. Dan was his friend. He wouldn’t hate Phil for this. Especially because it was both of their faults. There wasn’t anything they could do about it. So it was probably best to ignore the whole thing. Pretend it never happened and just forget it.

That would be easy…if it wasn’t the single best kiss Phil had ever experienced in his life.

It felt completely and utterly necessary that they kissed. It felt like it was exactly what he was supposed to be doing. He wondered again if that’s why Dan asked him in the first place. It might have been what the universe wanted in that moment.

But why the hell was the universe asking him to kiss his best friend? It’s not like he fancied Dan. Not really, anyway.

Of course, Phil had thought about it. What person doesn’t consider what it would be like to date their best friend? Especially if you work so damn well together as friends. But the thought was always followed by a list of reasons as to why they wouldn’t work. Why they couldn’t work. So why couldn’t Phil think about any of those reasons right now?

He shook his head and stripped, entering the shower and deciding the best course of action was to pretend nothing happened. They skinny dipped. As friends. And they accidentally bumped into each other. A couple body parts touched and it was no big deal. Because they were friends. Friends that were both male and had the same biology. No big deal.

Dripping wet and terrified, Phil wrapped a towel around himself and crept out of the bathroom and into the hotel room. He hoped that his face didn’t give away his true emotion. He found Dan lying on his bed, sifting through the channels on the hotel TV. It wasn’t as late as the sky suggested, it only actually being 10:30. Phil checked his phone and bit his lip, noticing that the TV was the only sound in the room. He quickly grabbed his clothes from his suitcase and wandered back into the bathroom to change.

Once he was ready for bed and possibly ready to face Dan, he came back out and pulled back the sheets of his own bed. He slid between them and reached out to scroll through his phone. Anything to distract his spiraling mind. He only wished he knew what Dan was thinking about all of this. Maybe it would make him less anxious.

Like the Gods were listening, Phil’s prayers were answered. Dan turned his head and without bothering to mute the TV, he spoke.

“So we should just…cross that off our bucket list and call it a night,” Dan suggested, his voice harboring a certain amount of insecurity that Phil couldn’t really identify. Phil said nothing. “The skinny dipping, I mean.”

There was a silence where some lady in a commercial tried to explain how her back had been giving her problems.

“And maybe we should shake on it,” Dan continued.

“Shake on it?” Phil looked at Dan, letting his confusion show through his features and is tone.

“Yeah…” Dan sat up and faced Phil directly. He held out his hand for Phil to reach. “Let’s just never talk about this night again. Let’s pretend we went back to the hotel and just went to sleep. So this isn’t so awkward. Okay?”

Phil hesitated then. Because did he really want that? Did he really want to shake on this and forget everything?

Yeah. He did. He didn’t want this awkward air to surround them like this. Not when he spent nearly nine years perfecting this relationship. The idea of taking it any further was just too scary and he didn’t have the actual capacity to think about how things could turn out - good or bad.

So he reached out and took Dan’s hand, shaking it and letting the thoughts leave his head as he smiled at Dan, teeth and all. Dan looked pleased and then he leaned back, his entire body relaxing and his face at peace once more. It was as if all the awkward drained out through the window in that moment. Dan had become very good at blocking things out like this. Something he had to work very hard to learn how to do. His eyes landed on the TV and there they stayed for the rest of the night, until they fell asleep, talking about stupid shows and some anime they had been told to watch.

A fun fact about the human mind is when someone tells you not to think about elephants, the first thing your brain does is think about elephants. This was something Dan and Phil both liked to utilize with each other on a weekly basis. Dan would tease Phil and tell him to not think about his blinking or his breathing. Then Phil would get him right back and tell him not to think about existing and how he was alive and living at that very moment. They both thought it was funny and it was.

Until now.

Now, it was as if Dan had said “don’t think about that magical night”, only resulting in Phil thinking about that magical night nearly every second. He woke up the next morning and things felt normal. He was proud of himself because he managed to shake the memory. But when they joined up with the other two for a continental breakfast in the hotel lounge that morning, Phil found himself staring at the pancakes that went into Dan’s mouth, wishing it was his own tongue. Then, Bryony asked them about their night and Dan told a lie, leaving Phil to imagine the whole truth all over again. It was a terrible cycle that felt like it was never going to end. His brain bought it up, then his mind told him what not to think about, leaving Phil to just relive the moment over and over again. Fuck human psychology.

But he shook on it. They weren’t going to talk about it or mention it ever again and Phil had never broken a handshake. Not with Dan. And he wasn’t about to start now. Especially over something so trivial. He would just have to live with it until he forgot or the memory was much less fresh.

But clearly, that wasn’t going to work. They got back to their flat after the rest of their vacation and he could still feel the ghost of Dan’s lips on his own. He wanted to rip them off altogether because he couldn’t stand the desire to feel them once more. His body was purposefully getting clumsier. Forcing him to bump into Dan more often and make eye contact at the worst of times. For example, while Dan was eating ramen and slurping up a rather large amount at that. Or while he was eating a Klondike bar from their freezer, his lips surrounding the chocolate brown tip. Phil shuttered and looked away, trying to ease the goosebumps of desire from his flesh.

But these were only trials. Phil’s final test was just around the corner on a Saturday afternoon. He had a very relaxing morning on his own. Dan was off editing something and then diving into the Guild Wars hole that he loved so much and Phil was enjoying a bowl of cereal on their terrace. Everything was quiet and Phil was finally starting to feel like things were back to normal. He was watching the pigeon sitcom that he loved to retell through emojis and texts to Dan. Dan wouldn’t get them till later, but that was fine because Phil actually liked to watch Dan’s reaction to his hysterical version of Pigeon West Side Story. He sent his usual chapter to Dan and then dumped the rest of his cereal milk into his mouth, standing to walk inside. He was humming to himself while he brought the bowl to the kitchen and he nearly dropped it when he saw Dan standing next to the fridge…completely and utterly naked.

“Ah!” Phil squeaked, shielding his eyes with his arm. “Dan! What are you doing!?”

He turned around so fast, he was worried he might get whiplash. The image of Dan standing completely naked in front of him was burnt into his retinas. His face was full of deep red.

“Dan!” Phil yelled again when Dan didn’t answer.

“What?” Dan asked, his smile audible.

“What do you mean what?!” Phil exclaimed, trying to find an explanation for this in his mind. Did they forget to do laundry? Were there no towels? Was this an Emperor’s New Clothes situation? Did Dan need therapy?? “You aren’t wearing anything!”

“Of course I’m not wearing anything. This is my house. I do what I want,” Dan responded, the sound of something entering the microwave was heard before some buttons were pressed. Phil wished Dan could see his face of disbelief but he wasn’t about to turn around again.

“You…you’ve never walked around naked before,” Phil protested, not trying to shame Dan or anything, however, this was entirely new behavior and there was certainly no explanation coming from Dan that wasn’t “I want to be naked.”

“So?” Dan laughed. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

Phil nearly choked. Two things. One, Dan wasn’t supposed to mention that night. At all. They were supposed to silently check it off their bucket list and call it a night. Didn’t he remember the handshake? And two, even if they were mentioning that night, Phil didn’t see anything! It was too god damn dark. Even if he got a glimpse, it wasn’t enough to warrant a free-nudity agreement. Phil wasn’t sure this was such a good idea.

“Dan…”

“What? Does it make you uncomfortable if I just…” Dan’s voice sounded like it was getting closer. “…walk around naked? It’s kind of liberating. Honestly. You should try it.”

Phil swallowed thickly, sensing that Dan was within touching range. He was having a hard enough time getting the feeling of Dan’s lips off his own, he didn’t need Dan to touch him and leave more phantom feelings behind.

“I don’t…really feel comfortable doing that. I’m not sure I like the idea of seeing myself naked, let alone letting you see me naked.” Phil couldn’t believe he was having this conversation right now. And in his own kitchen. He sniffed. While Dan was cooking leftover Chinese food.

“But Phil, I’ve already seen you naked,” Dan laughed, walking away and opening the microwave. “The damage is done.”

Phil furrowed his eyebrows. When had Dan seen him naked? Surely it was too dark for Dan to see anything the other night. Plus, Phil was watching carefully. He was insecure and he would have noticed if Dan had looked down long enough to absorb anything at all.

So it must have been another time. Another time he hadn’t noticed. Why the fuck did Dan think that would make him feel any better about this?

“Dan…can you please just put some clothes on?” Phil asked, of course, shaking his head.

There was a sigh and then a silence as Dan pulled his food from the microwave and placed it on the counter.

“No. But I’ll go in my room if you’d prefer.” His tone was so kind. He didn’t sound upset or angry with Phil. If anything, he sounded a tad disappointed, but Phil wasn’t really in the mood to deal with that right now. He couldn’t have Dan walking around naked in the flat - especially considering recent events. Dan should know that. Why didn’t he know that?

The flight to Spain was supposed to be easy. Dan and Phil had flown together many times in the past. It was routine. It came with the job. They both brought laptops and earphones and usually checked out for however many hours it took to get there. In this case, it was three. It shouldn’t have been a problem.

But now Phil was anxious. He hadn’t seen much of Dan since he had seen ALL of Dan and now he was bouncing his leg up and down as he tried to relax beside the boy who was already completely immersed in the newest Tyler the Creator album. Phil assumed Dan couldn’t even sense how anxious he was, especially because he seemed so calm until Dan’s hand raised from its spot on his chest. The hand landed on Phil’s shaking knee and Dan’s head rolled over to the side, eyes opening slightly to meet Phil’s.

“Relax.”

The tone in which he said the word made all the difference. It was as if Dan could read his mind over all the people on this plane. His eyes were so soft and his lips turned up slightly in the corner - a detail that Phil would have missed had he not been spending an unnecessary amount of time looking at them in the first place. Dan’s freckled cheeks were so close to Phil and all he wanted to do was kiss them to pieces. But of course, he didn’t. He let his wide eyes looked into Dan’s until his own regained regular shape. Dan could calm him with just a facial expression. That must be a new feature of their relationship. How well timed.

Their flight went smoothly after Phil allowed himself to relax. He watched the new Kingsman movie and thoroughly enjoyed it. Dan fell asleep and ended up into the empty seat beside them. Phil took a funny photo that he almost posted but then decided against.

Now it was time for yet another work vacation.

In sharp contrast with the vacation they just took, they didn’t go one second without running into someone they knew. Either that or someone who knew them. It was flattering to get all the attention from both viewers and other creators, but Dan and Phil were exhausted by the end of day two. They were ready for some serious downtime. Luckily, Anthony came to the rescue.

Dan had just taken a shower and had just exited the bathroom when there was a knock on the door. Dan grabbed his clothes from his suitcase, scurrying off to the bathroom once more, leaving Phil to answer the knock.

“Phil!” Anthony exclaimed, pulling Phil in for a hug. And thank God for Anthony because Phil felt like he was about to be stuck alone in the room with Dan again who probably wasn’t intending to change in the bathroom. “Phil, how are you?”

“Good. I’m good. How are you?” Phil laughed and invited Anthony in. As they exchanged formalities, Dan reemerged from the bathroom with only his bottom half dressed.

Anthony wolf whistled. “Ooooh, ! Lookin’ hot, as usual!”

“Hi, Anthony.” Dan gave him his signature peace sign and then wandered over to his bag to fish for a shirt. Phil swore Dan gave him a look but Phil couldn’t interpret it in that split second so he shook it off and smiled at Anthony instead.

“What brings you over here then?” Phil asked.

“Weeellll…” Anthony leaned on the wall with his elbow. “I’m sure you already know about the Roller Blading party tonight, right?”

“We’ve only been invited like 50 times. Why? Are you here to pick us up?” Dan asked, pretending to be coy as he walked over and playfully swooned. Anthony threw his head back and laughed.

“Something like that. I’m here to be your third wheel…” he offered. “If you’ll have me.”

Dan and Phil got comments like this all the time. There was no reason for this to make Phil freeze, but it did. The blood rushed to his face and he quickly looked down in an effort not to get noticed.

“You know we need the supervision.” Dan sent a playful wink in Phil’s direction that Phil couldn’t ignore, responding with a little snap and a finger gun. What going on today? Why did this feel so awkward?

“I knew it,” Anthony teased. “Well, then I suppose we should go find you two some outfits because those will not do.”

Phil looked down at his t-shirt with the t-rex print. Was he not dressed appropriately for this party? He wasn’t supposed to show up in fancy attire, right? Because he didn’t bring any…

“I think we look fine, thank you very much.” Dan put his hands on his hips and Phil could tell he was thinking the same thing. Why couldn’t they show up like this?

“Well, considering it’s a 70’s roller skating party, you two look far too modern,” Anthony laughed, pointing at Dan’s black shirt with the fine white grid. “I mean seriously. You look straight from the Jetsons.”

“Hey!” Dan poked Anthony in the chest and Anthony swatted him away.

“Come on. Let’s go get glittered,” Anthony said in a playfully flamboyant tone, to which Dan and Phil shared a glance.

“Okay, okay. Hang on.”

They gathered their wallets and phones, heading out the door for a good skate.

Phil’s feet hurt. They hadn’t even been on the skating floor for that long. His shoes were certainly too tight and he had about hit his threshold for socializing. Dan had already given up on the skating, planting himself on a ledge somewhere where he could scroll through Tumblr. If there was any benefit to creator parties, it was that nobody was frowned upon for using their phones. It was as if it were respected in fact. Phil told himself he would skate a couple more rounds but then he was done. He needed to get these skates off.

He was skating to the tune of ABBA when he pulled off the ring and sat down. Dan seemed to notice, hopping onto his skates and following him to the bench.

“You finally giving up?” Dan laughed, the crinkles next to his eyes showing themselves to Phil.

Anthony had forced them to paint their faces with glitter which, at the time, felt like a bad idea…but now as Phil was looking at the reflection of light in Dan’s eyes, he thanked Anthony silently because his eyes looked so good besides the accessory. He hoped maybe his eyes were doing the same.

“Yeah…my feet hurt,” Phil whined. “I think my skates are too small.”

Dan had already leaned down and removed his skates, his toes wiggling in his bare white socks.

“You want some help?” Dan asked, patting his knee for Phil to put his foot on. Phil nodded and popped his leg up for Dan to grab.

That’s when Anthony came back over, shedding his skates as well.

“Hey thanks for coming with me tonight, guys.” He smiled and pulled out his phone while Dan tried desperately to get Phil’s skate-off. It was certainly too tight. Phil was regretting his choice in size now. “Ian couldn’t make it.”

“No problem.” Dan’s voice sounded strained as he tried to get the skate off. “I don’t know what I would do without Phil. Honestly. I’d have to go third wheel Casper and Joe and we know how well that would turn out.”

All of them looked over at the two goofballs giggling across the rink. Casper was trying to get Joe to move faster but that wasn’t happening and he almost fell three times in the span of about five seconds.

“Oh my god, I can’t get this skate off!” Dan groaned frustratingly. Anthony chuckled and opened his Instagram, beginning to film. Phil made a face for the camera as Dan kept tugging. They tried this for a while, even after Anthony stopped filming and eventually, Dan jokingly gave up and threw Phil’s foot at the ground. Anthony filmed again.

“It’s been ten minutes, guys.”

“I can’t get them off. These are my new legs,” Phil joked, attempting to loosen the laces even more.

“Maybe your feet swelled up and now you’re stuck forever,” Dan laughed. “Maybe you’re pregnant.”

“Ooooh! Mpreg fic! I call being the weird uncle!” Anthony yelled, kneeling down and trying to pull of Phil’s himself.

“If we had a baby, you would certainly be the weird uncle that we would only invite to Christmas out of formality.” Dan looked at Anthony with a serious stare, cracking into a laugh immediately after.

Nobody noticed how Dan just assumed it was he who was the father. Maybe it was implied with the joke, but Phil couldn’t help but notice how his mind just went there without any sort of provoking.

Finally, Anthony pulled a little harder than Dan could from the angle he was sitting and the skate popped off, his foot able to breathe once more.

“Ah thank you!” Phil closed his eyes and leaned back as he wiggled his toes. Anthony nodded and went for the other one. Luckily that one came off easier than the first. “Oh, that feels so much better.”

They put on their regular shoes and it felt weird for a moment but his feet adjusted and it stopped feeling like he was still skating.

“I’m going to go grab some pizza with Mitch and Greg, you wanna come?” Anthony asked, probably only asking out of formality.

Dan looked at Phil and within an instant, he already knew Phil’s answer.

“I think we’ll catch up with you later. I think we need a little fresh air.” Anthony blinked back at them and he put his hands on his hips as he laughed.

“You guys really freak me out. How you can just…” He wagged a finger between the two of them. “…communicate like that.”

Dan and Phil laughed their signature nervous laugh, yet they said nothing. They always forgot how strange that must look when it’s not just the two of them. They did have some sort of strange connection that everyone picked up on. Whether it was their subscribers or their friends.

“Well, I’ll catch you on the flip side then, folks!” Anthony saluted them and then sauntered off to find his friends.

“Air?” Dan offered, standing and offering Phil his hand to get up. Phil nodded and finished tying his shoelace, grabbing Dan’s hand and standing. They quickly let go because who knew how many cameras were on around here. They were trained to be cautious about that.

They walked out back and then around a couple corners until they found a spot that was extremely unpopulated. Considering how hot it was inside the rink, Phil was surprised that there weren’t more people out here. They away against the side of the building, the faint smell of cigarettes lingering in the air.

Phil leaned against the brick wall and took a breath. Thank goodness it was cool outside tonight. He had only consumed about one and a half glasses of wine and he was feeling hot in the face, but not drunk enough for all the socialization happening around him. Dan had consumed a glass or two more than Phil and he seemed like he was in just the right spot.

“You okay?” Dan asked, knowing Phil’s exhausted body language better than anyone.

“Yeah…just overwhelmed.”

“Need another drink?”

“That might be nice.”

There was a moment of silence and Phil noticed that they had accidentally scooted very close to each other. Dan was leaning against the wall with his chest turned to Phil who had his back flat against the brick. Dan’s chest was touching Phil’s shoulder and his head was only inches from Phil’s own. Phil didn’t want to move, so he didn’t. No harm in that, right?

Dan looked down at Phil and smiled, reaching up and picking a rouge sequin off his cheek. Phil flinched a little but didn’t let himself move.

“Sorry. Didn’t want this in your eye.” Dan made up some bullshit excuse and blew the sequin off of his finger.

“Did you make a wish?” Phil asked, stupidly. He was really fishing for something to say.

“On what? The sequin?”

“Yeah. You pulled it off my face. Eyelash rules apply.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re an expert in eyelash rules?”

“Mmhmm.”

“And what credentials do you have to prove it?”

Phil looked up into Dan’s eyes - the ones surrounded by glitter and fond crinkles.

Dan knew that when Phil got overwhelmed, it helped him to forget about the problem. Phil was always looking for a distraction and damn Dan was good at giving him one. Phil just laughed and shook his head.

But what he couldn’t shake, was how comfortable he felt right now. Much like the other night on that Mediterranean beach, he felt like this moment was the only moment that mattered. There was a faint sound of traffic in the distance but their little alleyway hid most of the noise. He could hear murmurs from the people on the inside of the propped open door a few corners away. But everything was so quiet that he could hear his own heartbeat. He could have sworn he could hear Dan’s too but he didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to think about how close Dan’s chest was to his body. He didn’t want to think about how he was exactly at eye level with Dan’s so kissable lips. He didn’t want to think about the smile that Dan was giving him right now - the same smile he was giving the other night in the ocean. Of course, Dan wasn’t naked and they weren’t completely isolated, but this felt the same in a different way. It was just the two of them. Just the two of them against a brick wall that divided them from the rest of the Youtube community. Nothing could make this moment more peaceful. Nothing except-

“Phil?”

Phil blinked and his thought process halted.

“Yeah?” He answered, staring blankly in front of them, trying to do anything but look at Dan.

“We shook on it.”

Was Phil that readable? Dear Lord…was their connection really that good? Could Dan really hear his thoughts?

“I wasn’t…” he mumbled, trying to defend himself. “I’m sorry. I just…”

“It’s okay, Phil.” As if Dan was completely ignoring his own comment, he stepped in front of Phil so that their eyes met. He didn’t step back though and their chests were now practically overlaying. “You want to talk about it?”

Phil shook his head and he could feel the heat rising in his cheeks.

“Are you sure?” Dan’s voice dropped to a low whisper, not breaking eye contact with Phil who was having a very hard time keeping his heart rate down. “Because we can talk about it.”

“But you said…” Phil wasn’t even sure he could remember what Dan said. All he could think about was how Dan made them shake on…something. Something involving that night and something involving never doing it again. Something…

“I know I said…” Dan nodded, his hand falling and reaching for Phil’s left hand. The same hand Dan held that magical night. “But maybe…” Their fingers laced together. “Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

Phil took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. The universe was doing it again. Planting an idea that he couldn’t ignore. Something about this moment. Something about Dan. Something about the situation they were in. It was absolutely perfect and now that Phil had tasted Dan once, it was going to be harder to ignore this time.

But he didn’t want to make Dan uncomfortable. He was going to need permission. And this time, he didn’t want it to be nonverbal. He wanted Dan to say something. Anything. Just enough for Phil to know it was okay. His eyebrows went up slightly and Dan seemed to get the message through Phil’s pleading eyes.

“Will you kiss me again?” Dan asked, his voice barely audible. Phil didn’t need even a second before he connected their lips. Those sparks that everyone always talked about, flew and smacked Phil in the face. His heart rate spiked and his eyes fluttered shut as soon as he felt Dan’s gentle hand on his cheek.

They kissed for only ten seconds but it felt like an eternity. Dan allowed himself to pull back and Phil could feel his smile as their lips parted.

“We shook on it,” Phil muttered, the nervous part of his brain starting to act up. What did this mean? They were certainly not the same Dan and Phil that they were before that vacation. They were something different. What the hell were they? What happens now?

“Shhh…” Dan stroked the side of Phil’s face, careful not to mess up his glitter. Phil calmed down, but his thoughts were all jumbled and he wasn’t sure what to say to Dan other than;

“You told me not to think about elephants…” There was absolutely no way that Dan could have understood what he meant by that. There was no way because Dan was another separate human being and they shook on it. Phil hadn’t said a thing. But suddenly Dan placed a kiss on Phil’s cheek and his smile made his face light up.

“Well, I thought about them too.” He answered, one thousand percent aware of what Phil meant. “So how about we talk about them?”

Phil’s bottom lip was buzzing with the feeling of Dan’s and suddenly it didn’t seem so scary. Looking into Dan’s brown eyes and watching him smile was like therapy and Phil didn’t need any more reassurance. Phil looked around because he could have sworn he heard a few footsteps. Much like nature’s wave, it messed up the moment because suddenly Dan was backing up a few inches and their bodies separated. He could feel the air flow between them now and Phil’s face fell. He really hoped this didn’t mean they were going to shake on it again.

But then when the footsteps faded, Dan was back where he was standing before and their chests connected once more. Phil looked up and into Dan’s eyes, his heart skipping a beat.

“But we can’t talk here,” Dan whispered, his mouth getting close enough to Phil’s ear that it sent shivers down his spine. “Are you ready to go back to the hotel?”

Phil just nodded and Dan’s smile told him that he was completely in agreement.

And then in no time at all, they were walking silently through the door of their hotel room and down their things on one of the beds.

This would have been awkward if it weren’t for the lingering feeling of something more. They were in a state of limbo. A state where they were no longer friends and they both knew it. But they were nothing else yet. It didn’t feel wrong or weird or taboo. It felt exact. Like they were doing something they should have done a long time ago.

Phil was about to ask where he should sit down or if Dan wanted him to wait or something, but when he turned and opened his mouth, Dan was there to meet him with open arms and a kiss.

Phil realized then that it wasn’t the moment that made the kisses perfect. Although the moments seemed to motivate their decisions, it was entirely Dan that made those kisses so wonderful. It was entirely them. This kiss was just as beautiful as the rest and Phil couldn’t think straight with Dan’s arms wrapped so tightly around his waist.

They allowed themselves to fall back against the bed, their mouths connected. Their kisses were so soft and their hands so gently caressing each other. Phil felt like he might fall apart beneath Dan who couldn’t get enough of Phil’s lips on his.

They had to part though because they needed those mouths to talk and they really really needed to talk.

“Phil, I think we both know what needs to be said right now…” Dan started, his lips brushing against Phil’s as he spoke.

“Can’t we just…not say it and keep…” Phil kissed Dan again and Dan shook his head, breaking their lips apart.

“You can’t even say the word kissing. We need to talk about this,” Dan said, his rejection so gentle that it didn’t even feel like Dan was doing it. “We spend so much time not talking that maybe it would be good to say something for once. Especially this.”

“What’s left to say?” Phil asked, knowing that it was a stupid question. Dan gave him a smile and he shook his head.

Phil didn’t want to say what Dan was suggesting they said unless he was 100% sure that Dan felt the same way. He was terrified and he had every right to be. He wanted Dan to say it first. He didn’t want to embarrass himself. Not with this. This was far too important. He had too much on the line.

“How about we say it at the same time?” Dan suggested, reading Phil’s mind yet again.

Phil nodded, swallowing and bracing himself.

“And then we can do this…” Dan kissed him lightly. “For the rest of the night.”

“You promise?” Phil asked, like a child who was too insecure to know any better.

“I promise.” The angle was weird, but Dan lifted his hand and grabbed Phil’s with it. The same hand he grabbed the two times before. “Let’s shake on it.”

Phil shook Dan’s hand and then Dan lifted it and kissed the top.

“On the count of three?” Dan asked gently, kissing Phil’s cheek. “One.” He kissed Phil’s neck. “Two.” Then Dan kissed Phil’s lips once more. “Three.”

“I love you.” They both said the words so gently and softly and then looked deeply into each other’s eyes, a smile appearing on both of their faces. Phil didn’t want to admit that he was scared about being wrong. Even though their wordless communication was usually on point, he didn’t want it to be wrong this time. Of he loved Dan. He’s loved Dan this entire nine years. He’s loved Dan since the moment they spoke. He just never thought that it could be this kind of love. He never thought that Dan would love him back. He never thought that maybe things could be even better than they were before.

“I’m so glad to hear you say that…” Phil admitted, his eyes darting to anywhere but Dan’s face. “I was worried that maybe you didn’t-”

Dan cut him off with another kiss.

“Didn’t what?” Dan asked, his tone teasing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you.”

Phil shook his head and looked up into Dan’s brown eyes - the ones that were silently telling him that everything was okay. That he loved him and that he had nothing to worry about.

“You really thought I might not feel the same way?” Dan teased, lifting his head up a little and giving them some distance between them to talk. “Phil…” It was the fondest he’s ever muttered Phil’s name. He rubbed their noses together and he closed his eyes to take in how close the two were. “I asked you to kiss me in the moonlight the other day. How much gayer could I get?”

Phil laughed and then he was sudden;y very aware of the glitter that was getting all over the hotel bed.

“Honestly?” Phil reached up and picked a sequin off of Dan’s face. “At least 10% gayer.”

He blew the sequin into Dan’s face and Dan smirked.

“Did you make a wish?”

Phil just crinkled his nose and pulled Dan’s head down to plant another kiss on his lips. “Yeah.”

“And?” Dan said with a cheeky grin. “Did it come true?”

“Did yours?”

Dan kissed Phil again without an answer.

That moment was the moment everything clicked into place. Phil knew that Dan felt the same way and even without having to say anything at all, he knew that their relationship had changed. Those three simple words cut the tension between them like a knife. Phil could feel the difference.

So they made out. For a long time. For longer than Phil thought was possible without suffocating. It was all Phil wanted. He wanted to be as close as physically possible to Dan. Dan made him feel whole. He felt like the universe created them for each other and it was as if he could feel it now. He understood. Like a perfect puzzle piece, Dan lied gently on top of Phil and their legs twisted together in the closest of ways. Phil wasn’t particularly comfortable with moving too fast and Dan was respecting that without having to ask - which he guessed was the perk of dating his best friend who knew everything about him. They were ten minutes in before Phil realized something, slowing his pace and eventually pulling back from Dan’s lips for a moment.

“Dan?” Phil asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Hm?” Dan’s lips were stained pink. He was flushed and his hand was midway through Phil’s black quiff. Phil didn’t want to stop but he couldn’t help but wonder.

“Why the hell you walking around the flat naked?” Phil asked, his eyes shutting as he tried not to picture what was under the clothes Dan was wearing right now.

Dan threw his head back in laughter. Phil didn’t really see what was so funny, but Dan’s laughter was pure and his blush darkened so Phil didn’t mind. He waited for Dan to stop laughing and then he received a kiss that Dan planted on his neck.

“If I’m being honest, I was trying to get you to think about elephants,” Dan continued their little metaphor, his smile broadening. “I thought maybe reminding you of how naked we were…might help stir the thoughts around a little.”

Phil playfully hit Dan in the face. Gently of course. “You could have done anything! But you chose to startle me with nudity?”

Dan sighed. “Well, it worked.”

“No, it didn’t! I mean…” Phil was getting flustered as he tried not to think about Dan’s naked body. “I mean it did…but not because you were naked.”

“Well, what was it then?” Dan asked, his cheeky smile only growing as Phil became more flustered.

“I don’t know!” Phil wilted, completely lost in thought now. There was no returning from where he was now.

“If it makes you feel any better, I felt pretty lame that day too. Because it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with all this,” Dan admitted, his right hand gesturing to his body. “Seemed like maybe I read the wrong signals.”

Phil almost felt bad but then he remembered that Dan had done it on purpose and the sympathy left him. He shook his head and decided to call it even. He kissed Dan’s nose.

“Of course I want…” He blushed. “All that. But let’s take it one step at a time? A lot has happened this week. My brain is really tired.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

There was a moment of silence where Dan just looked down at Phil and his eyes softened, brushing a strand of hair from Phil’s forehead.

“Could we just go back to kissing then?” Dan asked gently, a coy expression appearing on his face. Like he was afraid to ask. “I have nine years of catching up to do and if we don’t start now, we’ll miss our flight tomorrow.”

Phil laughed and connected Dan’s lips to his own, picking up where they left off and trying to learn the newest of their nonverbal languages.

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