#worksofphiction

[worksofphiction]

Prompt: dan and phil get in an argument over phil not helping dan unpack boxes from moving. phil claims he's not feeling well but dan doesn't believe him and storms off. the next day phil wakes up sick with the stomach flu, however is scared about how dan will react and tries to hide it

Incapable of Letting Things Go

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Summary: Genre: Fluff, Angst, Mentions of Sex, (If you don’t like the idea of vomit, tread carefully!!!!!)Word Count: 11,287Reading Time: 0:41:42Disclaimer: Characters are works of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Dan or Phil and as far as I know, this never happened.

I’m sorry it took so long to write this one, guys!!! I hit some major writer’s block and then got scheduled for like a million hours at work. I hope this angst is what you wanted, Anonymous.

Dan and Phil’s relationship was iconic. It had been since the start and in order to keep it that way, they had an amazing connection that everyone knew was unbreakable. None of their fans or friends could even dream about replacing the other half of the duo. The Universe had obviously molded them to be best friends and they basked in their luck of finding someone so perfect and complimentary of their semi-wayward personalities.

Of course, with relationships come problems. But the best relationships were the ones that maintained the best communication. And with Dan and Phil, this was a hurdle that took a little while to perfect.

When they met, they had every intention on becoming a couple. And some could say that they had. The Skype calls said it all with the flirty promises and courageously bold smiles. Dan was young and Phil was young at heart, which led to some long nights of touching and experimenting between the both of them in person. They never defined it, however, the label of “just friends” was long passed and it was clear that they were something else entirely. Phil didn’t ever worry about the label because Dan and Phil were clear with each other about what they wanted by sharing little pecks on the lips and caressing each other in the same bed at the end of the night. It was so easy and natural to be together back then.

But it was a year later when Dan realized things were apparently moving in a direction he wasn’t ready for. It came out of nowhere and Phil was shocked when he used their label-less terms to his advantage and their little thing suddenly halted. Phil barely blinked before they were using their separate rooms that they only paid for “just in case” and Dan had completely shut Phil out without saying a single thing.

“Give it time,” Phil’s close friends told him, but time only brought cold shoulders and distance that seemed to only increase between them. Phil was heartbroken but the younger boy’s happiness was the real object of Phil’s interest and if he was happy being friends, then this was what needed to happen.

But regardless, Phil wasn’t okay with a friend who couldn’t communicate with him and he had to make sure this wouldn’t happen again. With their relationship or with their friendship. His heart was too sore from Dan’s disappearance starting in 2010 and he knew Dan didn’t even know he had done such a crime. So after two solid years of contemplation and forced friendship, his heart had scabbed over enough to say something. He sat Dan down in 2012, much to his dismay, and finally explained that they needed a label of some kind. Phil explained, with as much detail as he could muster without completely sounding a fool (even though he thought he was totally justified), that what Dan did was hurtful and kind of cruel. Dan just sat at their table with his arms crossed over his rising chest as he listened to Phil go on about their shared past, his face remaining still like a marble sculpture – void of all emotion.

After a painful thirty minutes, Phil had finally relayed all he needed to say – pretty much everything but the fact that he’d been in love with Dan since day one – and he stopped to let Dan fork over his input. But Dan just sat up, uncrossed his arms and looked him in the eyes saying “Phil, we’ve always just been friends. We’ve never been anything more.”

And here Phil thought maybe Dan had loved him once upon a time.

Dan stood and walked from the room with not so much as a handshake as if he had permanently forgotten how close they had once been, the dripping knife in his hand leaving a trail from Phil’s heart to Dan’s closed bedroom door. And from that day forward, Phil shoved those feelings deep beneath his skin. Somewhere Dan couldn’t manage to claw through and expose on the daily. A testament to how time had done nothing but bury their fuzzy love.

Luckily, Dan was at least somewhat rational. As long as it had nothing to do with their relationship, he was completely complaint with Phil’s wishes. Their communication improved. So much in fact, that at first Phil thought that maybe Dan was being petty. Coming to Phil to ask about things instead of just doing them like he always had and talking through some of his emotional issues without lying horizontal on the ground where Phil wouldn’t know what to do with his platonic flatmate for hours at a time.

Their friendship followed exponentially and with each issue they talked through, they became closer and it became easier to support each other. Dan almost seemed to appreciate the extra support – something he probably thought wasn’t possible in a friendship. After all, Phil was his first real best friend. Sooner than later, the two became the standard for internet duality and the staple for ideal relationships in the Youtube community. Phil wasn’t with Dan in the way he wanted in the beginning, but he didn’t mind because at this point, he was the only one that could know Dan the way he knew him and that gave him some sort of twisted satisfaction. Short of Dan’s own psyche, Phil was confident he knew his brown haired companion better than anyone could know him.

But that left Phil with a guilt that he couldn’t explain. Sure, Dan had flat out broken his heart and since 2012 they hadn’t brought that up, but he had gotten better. Dan had consciously tried to improve their connection with his openness and even the fans noticed his personality unfolding and his true self becoming evident. Some days it felt like maybe Dan was doing it to make up for the pain he had put Phil through. As if he could fully register it and its effect on Phil’s life. Everyday, Phil would smile in Dan’s direction when he thought about how far he had come. He had gone from the eighteen year old that couldn’t hold his own, to the confident man that Phil still called his best friend. However, Phil couldn’t take credit for being an influence when he was the one that possessed the biggest dishonesty between the both of them. His unrequited love was never spoken of but it was always there and Phil laid in bed at night praying that perhaps one day Dan would realize that what he had done to Phil all those years ago was a mistake and take it all back.

He knew Dan loved him, but not in the way he wanted. In every other way Dan was a kind hearted human and he appreciated Phil for what he did – both present and past. Phil was too, which was why he wouldn’t dare blame Dan for what he did when he was still a young, undeveloped mind that relied on Phil’s presence to sort through his own existential self discovery.

But every day Phil thought about Dan in his arms all those years ago. The longing for this contact had never been stronger and with Dan’s new “touchy” demeanor, it seemed it was within reach. Like Dan was holding the fruit of his desires above his head and then calling it “friendship”.

Moving had been hard because when you live with someone for as long as Dan and Phil had, every object retains sediment that can’t be thrown away. Especially if you still feel some sort of way towards the memory or the thought the object represents. It pained Phil to watch Dan chuck things that still held so much sediment to him. Letters in green envelopes and CDs that contained songs like “Interrupted by Fireworks” and “Toxic”. Phil winced when Dan crumbled the drawing he had done for Dan when his Skype microphone broke that one time. He hoped Dan didn’t notice his overly eager offer to take the trash out, solely to fish a few of these objects out. Pressing the objects to his chest, he’d sneak them away into a box of his own and call it a good deed. Saving the memories of their relationship because Dan wouldn’t do it himself.

But why? To add to the shrine he kept in his closet along with the skeletons, that just collected dust and reminded him of something he could never have? To let them stand as a constant reminder for how much he’s lost? Sure, he had the real Dan and at least they were moving in with each other again. Dan was nowhere near independent enough to move away from Phil. But Phil felt like every morsel of their romance was being left behind in their London apartment that they decided on buying as a unit.

Now those boxes still sat in their downstairs lounge where Phil had left them. So many boxes filled with objects that Dan and Phil were supposed to leave behind. Of course, not all the boxes belonged to Phil. Some were Dan’s. Things that didn’t fit upstairs just yet. Objects his parents had given him that he couldn’t excuse throwing away. A big box of sheets that he wasn’t currently using and some Guild Wars merch that didn’t fit in his room’s aesthetic.

Why hadn’t they unpacked them? Well, let’s face it, both boys were lazy and it wasn’t high on their priority list. They’ve been busy. But secretly Phil couldn’t bare to open those boxes and sort through the few memories that were left, all the while, staring at Dan and pretending they evoked a separate emotion altogether.

The boxes probably would have stayed there for a while as well if not for the company they were expecting to have.

Well. The company Dan was expecting to have.

Dan had a couple of University mates that called and asked to come see their new place once they got wind of their move and of course, Dan with his pride and secret desire to prove he’s done something with his life, agreed to let them stay for a few days. When he came to Phil about it, Phil was actually pleased because sometimes he worried about Dan’s social outreaching skills and although his motive was to show off, these were still friends that Dan used to call dear and Phil approved of them.

All but one, that is.

One of Dan’s University mates, Jonah, was a man of many talents. He could simultaneously flirt with Dan and shun Phil at the exact same time. All the while, pretending like he was doing neither of those things. Once upon a time, when Phil was still worried about Dan and whether he and Phil were exclusive, he worried about Jonah and how close he chose to stand to Dan when they all hung out. Phil wasn’t the possessive type and without a label, he couldn’t do much, but Jonah surely knew how to challenge him.

At that time, their rule of communication was not in effect and Phil didn’t dare mention that he wasn’t particularly fond of Jonah, especially because Dan didn’t have many friends to begin with and Phil wasn’t about to be the reason Dan lost one. Not to mention, they weren’t exactly exclusive and Phil had no right to say anything. Phil figured he’d won back then and it didn’t matter that Jonah was throwing himself at Dan because Dan never reciprocated.

But things were different now. After all these years, Jonah was reappearing in their life and Phil hoped he had made enough of an impression back then that maybe he would keep his distance. That is, if Jonah was done playing his stupid games. Because this time, Phil didn’t have the place to fight back.

“So, Phil, we’re going to clean up these boxes before Thursday, right?” Dan asked, poking Phil in the side after their episode of Game of Thrones ended. Phil glanced over at the pile in the corner and sighed. They didn’t usually watch their shows down here, but Dan had just finished filming a video and Phil figured he’d bring the party to Dan instead of waiting upstairs for his friend to finish.

“Yeah, sure. Wanna do it Wednesday night? Cause you have your liveshow tomorrow?” Phil compromised, shoving a few pieces of popcorn rejects into his mouth from the bottom of the bowl they had been sharing.

“Right, right.” Dan nodded. “Wednesday is good.”

“Cool,” Phil confirmed, reminded suddenly of Jonah’s face and trying to hide the grimace.

Dan yawned and stretched, leaning his body into Phil’s lap, laughing and poking at Phil’s chest.

“Besides, most of those boxes belong to you anyway, you hoarder,” Dan teased and flashed Phil a full smile. Phil looked down at his face in his lap and wished he could lean down and kiss it. But instead, he just smiled down and poked Dan’s nose.

“What, are you afraid that your uni mates are going to think you’re living with a slob?” Phil snarked in rebuttal. “How do you think they’ll react when I tell them that it’s you who makes most of the mess around here?”

“They’ll say that you’re a liar!” Dan sat up and crossed his arms. “Because you are! Who’s the one who leaves their socks all over the place? And your contacts on the tap? And the cupboard doors open?”

“Okay okay, maybe I am the slob,” Phil admitted, not trying to have the roommate shaming conversation again. “I promise, I’ll help you clear them out.”

Shortly after that, they broke apart and headed to bed in order to get rest for the next morning. They had a couple gaming videos to make and edit and they couldn’t slack off if they wanted their weekend free for guests.

When Dan Howell got stressed out, he was notorious for getting snappy and sort of short with the people around him. This was a well known fact. Not just by Phil, but by most of his subscribers. In times of stress, Dan was the one to lash out and overreact to things with loud noises and dramatic exits. Phil got to experience these reactions first hand and it was one of the many reasons Phil was always cautious with his friend after a particularly bad day. Once Dan was set off, there wasn’t much hope and it was easy for him to snap at Phil for something that wasn’t even close to his fault. A flaw that Phil had become used to over the years.

When Phil Lester got stressed out, he got sick. He either lost his voice or he got something minor that caused his nose to run and his lungs to hack up various fluids. Sadly, usually it was Dan’s stress that caused Phil’s and on a very very bad day, it was an almost inevitable chain reaction. Once Dan shut down, it was up to Phil to clean up after Dan’s tornado of a tantrum.

Wednesday was rough. They spent the morning editing a video for their gaming channel and once they were nearly completed, their computer froze and the entire file was lost. This didn’t happen very often, but working with digital media was somewhat of a risk when it came to reliability. So they had to re-film the entire episode and re-edit it.

This would piss anyone off and Phil was admittedly kind of peeved, but he wasn’t stressed until Dan started yelling about it. There were several problems with their camera while they were filming the second time and by the end of their re-shoot, they couldn’t even use the footage anyway because Dan was super irritable and the banter was largely one sided. Of course, Dan blamed Phil and his editing skills and he stood abruptly after hours of re-watching it to go take a shower in an attempt to calm him down.

During Dan’s shower was when Phil felt the shift in his stomach. The one that was usually associated with a glass of milk. But Phil had drank no such milk and he rubbed it a little, ignoring it and promising himself to take an anti-acid later.

Dan was no less salty when he came from the shower an hour later. His hair wet and his face frowny. Phil still thought he looked cute, but of course he wouldn’t dare say something like that right now – or in general.

But that hour had been enough time for Phil’s stomach to invite a wave of uneasiness that was making it difficult to focus on anything at all. He knew that Dan and Phil were supposed to spend the night cleaning up the living room, but at the current moment that seemed nearly impossible.

But of course, with the stress that Dan was under, it was his first priority. He would stop at nothing to make sure their bottom level was clean for his guests.

“So are we going to clean now, or what?” Dan asked, his tone was harsh and his eyes dark. Phil knew that even a mild stomach ache wasn’t going to get him out of this task. He hoped to God it didn’t get worse and that this would be a painless process.

“Yeah, sure. It shouldn’t take long.”

“I mean, with as many boxes you have, it’s going to take all night,” Dan snarked. “It’s a wonder I’m even offering to help.”

Alright. So it was going to be that kind of night. The kind where the two were forced to be together for some sort of important task, yet one just wanted to be alone. Being work partners with your best friend had some ups and downs. The worst part, by far, was working together when one wasn’t in the mood. It made for difficult conversation and it isn’t as fun when your working partner is throwing shade at you at each opportunity. Especially if that partner is Dan Howell.

“Don’t worry, it’ll get done,” Phil’s words of encouragement were an attempt to ease Dan’s stress, but it didn’t seem that Dan was feeling very susceptible to Phil’s calming techniques tonight.

“It better,” he mumbled, heading downstairs for Phil to follow. Phil rolled his eyes once he knew Dan couldn’t see him and then he got up from the place on the couch he was laying. Much to his stomach’s protest, he quickly made his way downstairs.

Phil was doing his best to avoid the painful boxes. The ones that had memories stuffed to the brim. Instead, he tackled the box of Halloween decorations and Christmas lights. He fished through and got up multiple times to put something in it’s rightful place. Whether that was in a storage closet or another box in Phil’s room, it was getting done slowly. Dan was almost finished with a box of Guild War stuff, fishing through and trying to find an arm that had fallen from one of his figurines.

“God Damnit.”

Phil looked up.

“This fucking arm.” This was the first time Dan had spoken in about an hour and Phil was hesitant to respond. He decided against it because how does one even respond to the mumbles of the distressed? “Why haven’t we put these boxes away sooner?”

Now that was something Phil could respond to.

“Because we’re lazy,” he answered, not even pretending to lie about the real reason. Dan didn’t even look up, but his smirk said that Phil should tread carefully.

“Well we should have taken care of this earlier. It’s late and I’m going to be tired tomorrow. We have company,” Dan argued, his arms crossing over his chest. Phil was just about finished with the box he was unpacking, so he dumped the little pine needles from the wreath he just removed and flattened the box.

“You have company,” Phil said, his tone revealing his bitterness about the situation. He didn’t want Dan to sense that he was getting annoyed, but it wasn’t his fault that it was slipping out. However, Phil didn’t even want to think about what would happen if Dan had a meltdown right now so he kept it subtle. “It’ll get done.”

Dan said nothing and Phil figured it was a good enough time to go put the remaining Christmas stuff in the closet, so he stood and wobbled to his feet. His stomach growled loudly but not because Phil was hungry. It was churning the contents inside – the last being a sandwich he had made himself before the re-shoot – and growling angrily at Phil’s choice of activity. Phil had no choice but to ignore it, yet he knew he was making it worse by not going to bed at such a late hour. He knew in times like these, sleep could usually heal his problems.

When he came back though, he kind of wished he hadn’t. He re-entered the room and found Dan sifting though a box that definitely belonged to Phil. A box that Dan wasn’t even supposed to know existed. A box that held pretty much every romantic proof that existed between the two of them. And now, Dan’s uncaring fingers were digging through their past while Dan’s furrowed eyebrows showed his distaste.

He sensed Phil’s appearance in the doorway behind him because Phil made a little squeak of surprise when he saw which box Dan had decided to tackle.

“What the hell is this?” Dan said, his tone far more serious and angry than before.

Phil knew he should have taken that box to his room a long time ago. How stupid was he? Leaving something like this for Dan to find at will? Especially when Dan was in a mood like he was tonight.

“Phil!” Dan’s tone became sharper when he pulled out the drawing he had crumbled a few months back and thrown away. “Why do we still have this?”

Phil couldn’t describe the tone Dan was using because he honestly never used it. It was as if Dan was masking some sort of pain with this anger. As if he were not just angry with Phil, but angry at the object he was holding.

Suddenly Phil’s stomach wasn’t feeling even slightly okay. He swallowed and his blood ran cold.

“I-I…” Phil stumbled, wishing Dan would just stop pulling things from the box. But he was unstoppable and he kept lifting item after item. Things he had thrown out and things that he probably didn’t even know Phil had kept all these years. “…I don’t know. It’s just old stuff.”

“Old stuff,” Dan huffed sarcastically, his eyes rolling.

Phil stilled where he stood. He could see what Dan’s fingers were about to grab next and he held his breath as Dan’s eyes widened.

“Phil…” His teeth were clenched and his thumb nearly crushed the photograph he held in his hand. “You should not still have this…”

Phil’s stomach flipped over and he covered his mouth in case something came up his throat. He just stared at Dan with tears brimming his lids when Dan’s fist crumpled the beautiful photograph of the two of them in bed, right after one of the best nights of their lives. Dan’s head turned to Phil and his face was red and his eyebrows had never formed such a sharp angle in Phil’s direction.

“I cannot believe you, Phil.” His anger seeped through his teeth as it spit from his tongue. He shoved everything in the box and lidded it. “This is garbage.” He lifted the box and walked over to Phil who probably looked green. “It belongs in the trash.”

Phil knew that by trash he meant past. He could see it in Dan’s eyes. Then Dan stormed up the stairs with the box and Phil assumed that he probably went to throw it out for good. Well there went all the memories Phil had tried so hard to save…

Before long, Dan came barreling down the stairs and Phil had never seen him more angry than he was right now. His face was red and his teeth were showing. Dan’s anger came in waves usually and he beat it by yelling at the top of his lungs or crushing things in his hands, but what Dan did next was literally the last thing Phil ever thought he would do. No matter how angry he got.

He stomped up to Phil and grabbed the older boy’s shirt, Phil’s yelp echoed through the room as Dan shoved him against a wall.

“How dare you, Phil? I thought we were past this…” He muttered, staring Phil straight in the eyes. “After all these years. I thought you could get over that stupid phase.” He actually laughed, but his eyes never changed. Phil could smell his breath through his grimace. It wasn’t helping his stomach at all. “It is so dangerous to have these things around! Do you know what people would think if they found these? Do you know how much shit we’d have to explain?” He narrowed his dark eyes again. “I can’t believe you still have this box of lies…”

Now Phil was getting offended. Okay, so Dan was ashamed of his past with Phil. That’s fine. But denying it altogether? That was borderline lunacy. Phil was there too. He remembered what they used to be. He remembered how they used to act. Just because they never brought it up, didn’t mean it never happened.

“Do you want the internet to find out?” Dan spat. Obviously not. But he highly doubted someone from the internet would come across this box in their house. “Do you want us to have another incident? Like in 2012?”

Ah. 2012. The video they never once talked about. Phil was shunned for a month for absolutely no reason and there was no conversation about the living, breathing proof that was leaked accidentally on the internet. It probably only fueled Dan’s paranoia and pushed Phil further from his close circle of trust. So Phil just cleaned up the mess, hiring someone to go on and remove it from the internet the best they could. He still signed paper checks to their copyright agent twice a year so it got removed.

“N-no. I just thought-”

“Well stop thinking! Let it go! Can’t you just be happy with the present?” Dan sneered, letting go of Phil’s shirt and stepping back.

Phil’s stomach churned but he stood still and said nothing. He watched Dan as he spun around and pushed his hands through his tangled hair. It was best to say nothing in a time like this. Dan sighed loudly.

“Sometimes it’s really hard to be your best friend, Phil.”

Now that stung.

Phil didn’t usually like to overanalyze, but in this case, he deemed himself allowed. Dan just phrased it “your best friend.” As if Dan was only Phil’s best friend. As if Dan had another friend he deemed more important in status.

His stomach growled angrily and his eyes started to water. He couldn’t tell if it was the ill feeling in his stomach or the emotional blow he just took, but he let his chin quiver as he stared at Dan.

The silence that followed could have made a library feel like a basketball court. The two stood in the same spot – Phil against a wall, his breathing ragged, and Dan standing with his hands on his hips in the middle of the room. But this silence only gave Phil another chance to feel his stomach turn and he knew that he had to go be horizontal. Suddenly not even the rift in their friendship could keep him standing in this room. He was either going to puke right now or go lie down. This physical stress would not do.

“My stomach really hurts…um…” Phil gulped, his voice breaking lightly. “I’m gonna go lie down.”

Dan turned around with fire in his eyes.

“Really? You’re just going to leave these boxes?”

“Dan…seriously. My stomach-”

“Fine, whatever. I don’t even care.”

“Sorry Dan, I just-”

“Save it. I can’t do this right now. I’m going to bed,” he scowled. “I’ll just tell my guests that you felt like being a shitty friend.”

Phil knew Dan was in a bad mood before he started, but he still couldn’t believe how hurtful his words were. For some reason, this seemed more personal than usual. Like Dan was lashing out at him for more than just the boxes.

Before he knew it, Dan had stomped up the stairs and he actually heard Dan’s bedroom door shut all the way from where he stood.

He felt faint.

Dan and he hadn’t had a fight like that in a while. Their communication was good enough that when they had an issue, a screaming match wasn’t necessary. This mess seemed like it was going to be harder to pick up than usual.

Which is why Phil took a moment to sit on the couch and catch his breath, making a short trip to find a few antacids and then he decided (against his stomach’s will) to stay up and clean the rest of the boxes. If only to ease the guilt and not be the shitty friend Dan thought he was being. He didn’t know why he felt like he needed to prove that he wasn’t, and perhaps it was the pressure of Jonah that made him do it, but the downstairs level was spotless by the time he was done. He even laid out blankets for Dan’s friends to use while they crashed on the couch.

Phil was a good person and a good friend. No matter how complicated their past was.

He put himself to bed with a pain in his stomach and the guilt weighing his heart.

He awoke to a tiny knock on his door and he startled awake.

The first thing he noticed was that his stomach was in more pain than it had been the night before. He felt like he had ingested something rancid and he was sure his skin matched the green of his sheets. He sat up in a cold sweat and fell down again with a dizzy haze. But the only person that could be on the other side of the door was Dan so he sat up and wiped his face with his duvet, trying to look normal. He didn’t want to make Dan more angry.

“Come in!” Phil yelled, his voice hoarse – which was a tell tale sign that he was ill. His voice was always the first to go.

Dan entered. He was dressed and ready for the day. But instead of his usual embraced curly hair, he had spent time straightening it. Phil didn’t want to ask why but it was unusual to see the throwback hairstyle.

“Hey,” Dan started, his eyes not even bothering to meet Phil’s.

“Morning.”

There was a silence, but it wasn’t nearly as brutal as the night before.

“I see you unpacked everything,” Dan gestured out to the lounge. “Thanks.”

“Sure,” Phil said, his heart begging for an apology that he knew he wouldn’t get. And like the zero-backboned human he was, a “Sorry” slipped out of his own mouth.

“That’s okay.” Dan accepted, looking at the ground. “Just next time, don’t lie about a stomach ache. That was pretty low.”

Phil was in disbelief. It was as if Dan was mentally repressing everything that happened with the items in that box, only mentioning the part where Phil “lied” about his stomach. Dan was completely in the wrong here, but Phil didn’t want to fight him. If he tried to argue now, Dan would only get more angry and it was best they weren’t in the middle of a feud when Dan’s friends arrived.

“Okay.” Phil nodded, trying his hardest to look healthy. He really needed Dan to believe it. Even though he felt like absolute shit.

“The gang is getting here in an hour. I thought I’d let you know,” Dan changed the subject, his eyes still not meeting Phil’s. Perhaps that was good. This way, Phil wouldn’t give away his illness by the glassy eyes he couldn’t shake. “You’re coming out to lunch with us, right?”

Phil recalled agreeing to this a week ago but he wasn’t so sure how well he would hold up while out of the house. But his head nodded without consent and then Dan was nodding back and shutting Phil’s door, leaving him to get ready by himself.

As if the Universe was getting a kick out of Phil’s misery, the gang got to their flat almost twenty minutes early and Jonah led the pack with the same flirty grace that he had showcased all those years before. He waltzed in and joked with Phil about his age and how it wasn’t treating him well – not passing up the opportunity to make a remark about his ill-looking features. Next thing Phil knew, Jonah was hanging on Dan’s arm, just like old times, and when the checks at lunch were distributed, it was no surprise that Dan’s was taken care of. Phil muttered to himself when Jonah glanced at him, as if he were claiming something with his stupid money from his stupid office job.

Movie night didn’t ease the pain, as Jonah stole the spot beside Dan and his head landed innocently on Phil’s best friend’s shoulder. Dan didn’t even seem to notice that Jonah was hanging on his every word. Jonah would laugh as if he were a trained dog on command. Not even Phil found the comments Jonah seemed to laugh the hardest at funny. He just looked away and forced a smile.

The whole afternoon was hard to stomach, but Phil’s actual organ was giving him a hard time on top of it all. It was clear that something was wrong and he had been so distracted by the obvious flirtation that he had completely forgotten about how terrible he felt. After the movie was over and Dan suggested that they all move to the kitchen and open a bottle of wine, Phil finally paid the slightest attention to the angry sounding growls that were now making him clutch his lower left side.

Well fuck.

He glanced over at Jonah who was eying his strange behavior, as if he were waiting for Phil to call it a night before pouncing on Dan like some sort of prey, and then he looked to his feet. He might as well admit defeat. It’s not like Dan and he were in a good place anyway. Their chemistry had been a little off all day and if Phil was being honest, he was kind of salty about it. Sure, Phil wasn’t being 100% because he was actually ill, but he was doing his best. Apparently, even his best wasn’t enough for Dan today.

Usually, when one of them was feeling off, the other overcompensated and was able to pick up the slack. Just so that their friendship didn’t falter and thank God they could read each other so well. It made their group hang outs much easier. When one of the two seemed a little low energy, yet they still wanted to be a part of the plan, the second would just bump it up a little and pretend that everything was fine. Tonight, it seemed that at every attempt he made to start a conversation, Dan would shut it down. He wasn’t letting their usual banter slip from their mouths and he held in comments that he might usually make to cover up Phil’s lower-energy behavior. In fact, even when Phil tried to say something about how he was just “slightly tired” from overworking himself the night before, Dan just laughed and said “But didn’t you get lots of sleep?” Completely disregarding how he must have been up half the night unpacking the boxes that Dan left him. Throwing his own sleep out the window for their friendship.

But that was exactly why Phil couldn’t admit defeat. If Dan so much as thought Phil was faking a stomach issue again, he would be toast. He would leave the room and Dan would roll his eyes before saying something incredibly hurtful behind his back. Phil knew. He’d seen it before. Dan Howell was not the guy you wanted to piss off. He was the guy you wanted on your side. With how fragile everything was at that moment, it seemed like a terrible idea to leave him with his friends. So for now, he would stand in the corner of the kitchen and watch Dan get eaten alive by the eyes of his old friend - until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He took the glass of wine from whomever was handing it him and he sipped it, ignoring the protest from his stomach that he most certainly should have listened to.

Only an hour later and a couple glasses down, his limit was hit. In an effort to blend in, he filled his glass with water when nobody was looking and then chugged it, pretending it was another glass of wine. Three was enough to get him a little tipsy. At least tipsy enough to need a piss.

He slammed his glass on the table – a little too loudly – and then announced his departure. Everyone nodded but continued talking as Phil stalked down the hall and into the room at the end. As soon as the door was shut, he leaned against it and swallowed. He looked across and into the mirror where he got a glimpse of his face, the one that had turned a lovely pale shade of green, his lips chapping and his eyes glazing over even more. He knew that look. He could tell it from all the times he had felt this way before. He was going to puke. He rolled his eyes at himself - and at Dan – letting himself fall to his knees. He bent over the toilet and he waited. It was coming. He was sure of it.

A minute later, he proved himself right. He let the contents of his stupid lunch sandwich fall from his throat as he heaved with distress. The wine burned a little and he winced because he knew he should have held off. He could have just had water and nobody would have cared. If it weren’t for Jonah, he might not have made such a stupid decision.

It’s always easier to blame your problems on someone else, isn’t it?

He finished his business, splashing some water on his face and trying to clear the blotchy look that he was so clearly sporting, then he reached for the door handle and flung it open.

And was greeted with Jonah, tapping his foot against the floor and scrolling through something that looked like Reddit.

“You feeling okay, Mate?” he asked, his smile looking so genuine yet Phil knew it was entirely fake. “That didn’t sound good.”

Phil grumbled, knowing that he had only a couple options here. Lie and tell Jonah that he had drank too much or tell him the truth about his stomach problems. He stuttered and sighed, rolling his eyes slightly.

“Yeah, I drank too much.”

Jonah laughed.

Great. Now Phil looked like he couldn’t hold his liquor. That, or he was an irresponsible adult that couldn’t tell when to stop. To be fair, that was accurate.

“Must be a product of old age. Can’t keep up with us young'ins, huh?” He laughed but his tone was bitter. He had won and Phil was in no mood to fight.

“Yeah. I guess not.”

Jonah gave him a sympathy smile and pat him on the shoulder blade as he passed him, pushing himself into the bathroom. Phil just slumped and wiped his mouth, just in case something was on his face, then proceeded back into the kitchen.

Surprised to be walking into a room with just Dan, he looked around.

“Where did uh…” he cocked his head and Dan nodded.

“They went downstairs to change. We were thinking about playing a board game. You in?”

Phil could barely cut the tension in this room with the sharpest knife in their drawer. Dan hadn’t even looked up from his phone to answer Phil’s question. Phil didn’t like the lack of eye contact and even though he could still taste the bitter from his own bile, he swallowed it and smiled.

“Of course.”

Team games were their shit. Dan and Phil could crush any number of people with their amazing telepathic skills. A game where they could team up was ideal because they would nearly never lose. A game where they were supposed to “prove how close they were” was even better. This simple best-friend question game was almost always their ploy to win game night. Whenever they suggested it, they would prove to everyone that they were the two best-est friends that could ever be. That is, unless one of them isn’t feeling that great. And tonight, they weren’t doing so hot. It was Jonah who suggested it actually and Phil was kind of insulted that Dan tried to change his mind. But the fucker wasn’t having it. He wanted to play and Phil almost cheered aloud when Dan shrugged but picked Phil as his partner. That was the one move tonight where Phil didn’t feel like a loser. Jonah huffed about it, but now they were losing and he looked even happier. Whether that was because Phil was feeling completely incapable of thinking straight or because Dan and Phil had fought the night before, Jonah and his team mate were winning the game by a landslide and Dan was being the opposite of a graceful loser.

Of course, once they were halfway through the game and the chance of the two winning was at best slim, Dan started pouting. He would throw shade in Phil’s direction for nearly no reason at all. Usually it came out at playful jabs but today the knives were sharper. They felt more personal. Like they were meant as a sign of dominance. Or a threat. As though Dan were trying to prove himself.

The combination of Phil’s already upset stomach, his lack of sleep and his so-called best friend jabbing him at every chance, caused Phil’s fuse to get shorter. He was just about done. And when Dan rolled the dice and picked up a card that read “What is your partner’s biggest flaw?”, Phil knew he was in for a killing. Dan didn’t so much as smile as he threw the card down on the table and nodded. He looked Phil directly in the eyes and said “you’re incapable of letting things go.”

Phil’s eye twitched.

His stomach growled and his lip quivered.

That was it.

He gave Dan a pity smile, nodding and balling his fists at his sides. He looked at the people in the room with that same smile and then he looked to his lap. He felt the anger from the night before as it hit him in the face. Clearly Dan wasn’t actually over it. How could he be? The last time they had a fight like this, Dan didn’t come around for a long while. He might as well gear up for another one of those.

He let out a huff of defeat and he looked up at Dan again, already picturing how Dan was going to react to what he was about to say.

“Sorry guys, my stomach really hurts. I think I’m coming down with something.” Dan’s smile fell, as expected. “I’m gonna turn in early.”

There was a silence, as if the others couldn’t tell whether that was in reaction to the jab or if he was being serious. It didn’t matter though because Dan’s face said it all. He was looking at Phil as if he were making the biggest mistake of his life. And maybe he was. But he wasn’t going to sit there and take this abuse for any longer. His stomach hurt, his head was spinning and Jonah was grinning at him like he had just won the lottery. Phil slowly stood and he nodded, mumbling a little sorry and clutching his stomach as he exited the living room.

Before he could register the “be right back” that came from the other room, he was being grabbed in the arm by Dan himself. The boy had followed him into the hallway and was now not letting him move. Phil tried to wriggle away but his younger friend wasn’t having it.

“What do you want from me?” Phil asked, his voice sounding just as broken as he felt.

“What the hell, Phil?” Dan ignored his question. “We need to win! You can’t just quit!”

“I can and I really don’t feel well. Can I just-”

“No! You can’t just leave! That was really rude,” Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “What am I supposed to tell them?”

Phil closed his eyes and leaned against the wall.

“That I’m sick and need to rest.”

“We both know that’s bullshit.”

Who the hell was Dan Howell to tell him that his feelings were bullshit?

“You’re just upset because I called you out,” Dan claimed, shaking his head. “You should have thought of that before you kept that stupid box of things.”

Phil opened his eyes and blinked back at Dan in disbelief.

“Lighten up, Phil. You know I was joking.” He claimed, in reference to his quote from earlier. “I’m sorry if it seemed too real.”

Oh so now he was sorry. Now that his honor was in jeopardy.

“I need you. C'mon Phil. We can win this.”

Phil was angry, his stomach hurt and all he wanted to do was knock himself out and sleep the pain away. But now Dan was standing there with his chocolate brown eyes, asking him to stay. Phil was tired of fighting and if Dan was going to calm down, perhaps he could stick out the rest of the night. If at least the rest of the game. He slumped and gave Dan a look of defeat, fueling the smirk on the other boy’s face, only to receive a slap on the back.

“Great! Now let’s go win that game!”

Phil followed Dan into the lounge and tried to listen as Dan gave some excuse about how Phil had been joking and that this was a game they liked to play when it was just the two of them.

Two more question cards passed and Phil was beginning to slump. He felt his face turn the color of a faded green chalkboard, only to look up and lock eyes with Jonah. His dark brown eyes threw Phil back to the days where Dan was his. He could feel Dan’s presence beside him now and couldn’t help but notice how much further he was than he used to be. Jonah’s eyes reminded him of how platonic they had become and how he still held onto the letters and the evidence because he was afraid of letting go. Ultimately, Dan was right. Phil didn’t want to let go. But it wasn’t his fault that he still saw a glimpse of the old Dan beneath the skin of the new. It wasn’t his fault that he might still be in love with the younger boy that didn’t love him back. And it certainly wasn’t his fault that Jonah’s eyes made him sick to his stomach.

And before Jonah’s partner could even complete his question, Phil’s stomach angrily twisted and decided to reveal its contents to everyone in the room. Phil wished he could stop it from happening – mostly because he really liked that game and now it was totally ruined – but also because he wasn’t a graceful upchuck-er. He tried to turn his head but his throat opened and the last thing he remembered before passing out, was Dan’s face full of regret.

Phil was awoken from an unusually disorienting set of nightmares, only to be greeted by the man of his worries. Dan was gently shaking him and if he weren’t so sick, he might of slept through it. However, with his luck lately, Dan probably needed him for something.

Couldn’t he just leave Phil be? He could deal with this whole friendship mess later. For now, he just wanted to rest.

Yet when his slitted eyes finally found the courage to land upon the other boy’s face, there was a different light behind his eyes. This one more wary than usual. Phil immediately closed his eyes again because he couldn’t let Dan do what he so often was able, which was distracting Phil with his charm. Phil would fall for anything Dan pulled and that’s what got him into this mess in the first place. He groaned a little and tossed his head to the side and told Dan to fuck off – wordlessly of course.

“Hey. Phil. Wake up.” Dan was chanting quietly and Phil then realized that maybe he had just fallen asleep again. He didn’t know. He was too busy nursing his own throbbing head. “Phil please. I brought you some tea.”

Dan brought him some tea? Well that was awfully nice of him.

Phil allowed his eyes to open, directing his gaze onto the side table where indeed a mug of tea steamed beside him. There was even a little saucer with cookies sitting next to it. His stomach didn’t lurch uncomfortably at the thought of eating them and Phil figured that was a good sign. He let his head face Dan’s again and he opened his eyes to see a very nervous Dan Howell sitting on the side of his bed.

“Thanks.” Phil smiled with as little effort as possible, his eyes shutting again.

There was an agonizing moment of silence that Phil could have used to fall back asleep again, but he chose to stay awake because Dan wasn’t leaving.

Why wasn’t he leaving?

“There are also some cookies…you know…for your stomach,” Dan added nervously.

“Yeah.” Phil could see that. “Thanks.”

Another long silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were sick?”

…

Phil was gonna kill this man.

His eyes shot open and he looked Dan in the eye, about ready to throw up again. This time on Dan’s pretty fucking face.

“Are you kidding me?” Phil accused, his mouth forming a straight line and his brows furrowing. He was in danger of biting a hole into his cheek with how hard he was grimacing.

Dan seemed startled by the response, then his face kind of went red and his body crumbled into himself. Phil wasn’t expecting that. Dan put his face in his hands and shook his head.

“Sorry…sorry, I know. I guess I mean…” Dan’s voice turned into a quiet mumble. “Why didn’t I listen…?”

Well that, Phil couldn’t answer.

Dan’s face didn’t leave his palms for a moment. His body was slumped over and Phil couldn’t help but notice that Dan hadn’t looked this vulnerable in years. Not since he was still a teenager. Not since before he changed everything about their relationship.

Phil never liked awkward silences and it was his nature to fill them. Even when the words that came out of his mouth weren’t true. “I understand. You were mad…”

“No, Phil. That’s not an excuse.” His tone was defeated and Phil honestly didn’t know how to interpret it. This was a first. Dan’s entire being was surrounded by a nervous air and he wasn’t so sure how to react. The only thing he could relate this to was one of Dan’s existential crises. Usually those happened while lying vertical on the hallway carpet. Last time Phil checked, they were alone in his room and Phil was the one in the compromising position.

That’s when Phil realized that they were actually completely alone.

“W-wait. Where’s Jonah and-”

“I sent them home.”

“What?” Phil closed his eyes. His head hurt way too much for this. “Why?”

Now it was Dan’s turn to stare at Phil like he had three heads.

“Because you aren’t feeling well…” He spoke as if that were obvious.

I guess it made sense. Phil didn’t want to get anyone else sick.

“…and I wouldn’t want you to miss out on the weekend.” Dan finished. “We can reschedule.”

“Oh joy.” Phil rolled his eyes and slumped. So Dan didn’t want him to miss out of an entire weekend where Jonah hung from his arm and killed Phil over and over with his stare?

Dan said nothing, which was uncharacteristic of him, especially since Phil just insulted his friends. Phil took the moment of silence to shift himself to his side where he could curl up a little bit more. Even when he accidentally hit Dan in the back with his knee, the younger boy still didn’t move. Most of the time, Phil made it a point to solve problems right away instead of letting them fester over a night’s rest, but right now he just wanted to sleep. The rift in their relationship could wait.

“I’m so sorry, Phil.”

The words seemed to come from nowhere. They were muffled because Dan’s face was in his hands once again. There were a million reasons why Dan could be sorry. Was he sorry for snapping? Was he sorry for leaving Phil to clean their lower level? Was he sorry for being cold the past 24 hours? Was he sorry for sticking around when Phil clearly just wanted to be alone? Phil hated himself for even asking, but he honestly wasn’t sure, “What for?”

Dan sighed and when he looked up from his hands, turning his gaze to Phil’s eyes for the first time in minutes, he looked a wreck. Phil noticed the tears brimming his lids and if he wasn’t such a petty bastard, he might have felt sorry. But Phil has stood before Dan with the same kind of look and received nothing but a glare before. What made Dan think he got special treatment?

“I’m so stupid, Phil. I’m incredibly stupid.” Dan blubbered, his voice cracking. With each statement Phil was getting more and more confused. It wasn’t like Dan to cry like this. It wasn’t like Dan to even say he’s sorry. Phil wasn’t complaining, but he was slightly concerned. What did Dan think he did?

“It’s so fucked up.” Dan explained. “What I’ve done to you.”

Well shit.

“I have been a really terrible friend and…and I have no idea how to fix this.”

Phil decided that if he didn’t say something now, Dan might break into a panic attack, which was the opposite of what Phil wanted to deal with right now.

“No…it’s okay. You’re fi-”

“No! Stop saying that! It’s not okay. We both know it’s not okay.” Dan was sitting up now. His body took on a defensive stance as if he were ready for battle. But this time, he didn’t look ready to fight Phil; he looked ready to fight himself. “I was so mad at you yesterday and I owe you an explanation.”

“Dan-”

“Please Phil. Just listen to me for a second…” Dan begged, his voice low, yet still impossible to talk over. Phil shut his mouth and let him go on, his eyes fixed on Dan’s reddened cheeks. “I need to tell you this now or I might never get the courage to say it again.” He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked at the ceiling. “I know I was a dick to you all those years ago. And I never properly apologized. So…I’m really sorry about what I did to you. I was so…” He swallowed. “I was so scared back then. I was scared of losing you. But I knew if we never dated, than we couldn’t break up…and so once things started getting serious and you started talking about-”

Phil watched Dan hesitate, his brown eyes shutting as his memory most likely reminded him of words Phil had used all those years ago. “Future” “Love” “Boyfriend”. That must have been pretty scary as a 19 year old kid.

“…what we were…” Dan chose his words carefully. “I told myself I couldn’t let it happen. So for an entire two years I only let us be friends. I made sure of it. No matter how much my gut told me not to.” Dan’s eyes returned to Phil and he almost looked like he didn’t want to make contact, but it was necessary for what he was about to say. “I did love you, Phil. I loved you so much. Hell…I still love you….”

Phil blushed crimson.

“But I was so terrified that I was going to lose you that…” He looked down. “…that I didn’t even notice that I already had.”

He stood from the bed and Phil could feel the warmth that was leftover in the spot he was sitting. Phil watched as he started pacing.

“I threw away all that stuff when we moved because I was hoping the feelings would go with it…that I could just, remove those objects and everything would fade from my memory. And for a while, it worked. The whole, out of sight out of mind thing…but it turns out that doesn’t work long term. It turns out, it only makes you remember more.”

He said all this with a tone of sadness that Phil had never heard come from Dan. It was like a rich chocolate that you could only get on the rarest of occasions.

“But then you told me that we needed to talk and I was so angry with myself that I panicked and told you the opposite of what I wanted you to hear. You basically told me that I broke your heart and all I could do was call you delusional…” Dan sounded so disappointed in himself. “And I knew I just hurt you more. But to make me feel less guilty…I went with it. I pretended that I didn’t have any idea what we used to be, even though every night I would lie on the other side of the wall and think about how much I wanted to be lying with you.”

At this point, Phil was shocked. He hadn’t known any of this. But it made sense.

“I missed all those nights we spent together and the three hour breakfasts…” Dan admitted, his voice soft. “And then I found that box…”

Now it was Phil’s turn to feel bad. He had deliberately taken all of those things from the trash and kept them, only for Dan to find the box and shove the memories back into his face. Phil never knew that Dan found them so painful.

Before Phil could manage an apology of his own, Dan stopped pacing, bit his lip and dug into his jean pocket, pulling out a very crumpled up photo. The exact photo that seemed to have set him off the night before. He un-crumbled it and looked down, as if he were re-living the memory.

“This was one of the happiest moments of my life, Phil…” Dan admitted, as if he knew that Phil felt the exact same way. “I took one look at this the other night and everything came back. Like we took it just yesterday…”

Phil swallowed the lump in his throat.

“And I didn’t know how to tell you that I fucked it all up. I’m the entire reason that we couldn’t stay together. I was just too scared to have a real relationship with real feelings and real stakes. I can’t believe you stuck around me for so long…and for the longest time I thought it was because you were still in love with me too and you couldn’t see how horrible I had been. But then we started getting closer and suddenly I blinked again and we were closer than we were before…” Dan cleared his throat. “Maybe not physically…” He started pacing again. “…but I was so comfortable around you and I started thinking about how stupid I was. How incredibly ungrateful I must have been…to give up someone like you for my own lonesome sorrows. God I’m such a dick…”

Phil couldn’t believe what he was hearing, yet at the same time, it was all so believable. He saw it in Dan’s eyes. The way he looked at Phil. Like he was constantly trying to hide something. Even the other night, he looked so hurt behind all that anger. Phil could tell that he wasn’t lying about this. Something about it seemed so real. So completely honest.

“I’m so so sorry, Phil. I am so ashamed…” Dan’s voice cracked again and he stopped his pacing once more. This time, he was facing away from Phil and the older boy could sense that he must have been crying. Phil would be too if he weren’t so shocked. “I was a different person all those years ago and I just…I don’t know what to do to fix this. How do I show you that I’m sorry?”

Another silence filled the room, but this time Phil didn’t read it as awkward or tense. He could feel how much the other boy felt for him. He could see the pain he must be exuding.

“I mean, hell, I don’t even know if you feel the same way…” Dan mumbled. “For all I know, you don’t even like me as a friend. I’ve been so terrible to you that I wouldn’t be surprised if-”

“Dan.”

Phil’s voice sounded so foreign to his own ears. He was getting so used to Dan’s; letting it melt into his ears as it usually did.

Dan quieted himself, yet he didn’t turn around.

“Dan I could never not like you.” Phil reassured, knowing the younger boy needed to hear something of the sort. Otherwise he might slink away into a hole of self doubt and worry. “Come here.”

Dan stiffened, but after a few seconds he complied and he walked over to the bed, sitting where he sat before. This time, more delicately. Phil reached out and took the photograph from Dan’s nervous hands, pulling it close to his face. He didn’t have his glasses on and he wasn’t about to ruin the moment to ask where they were.

“This was such a great night,” Phil laughed. “I remember that you got some sort of sticky stuff in your hair and we couldn’t figure out if it was leftover icing or-”

Phil stopped himself with a cough, glad that he didn’t finish the sentence. He saw Dan smile in the corner of his eye. Even if it was a blurry mess.

Phil put the photo on the side table and returned his gaze to his best friend.

“Dan…I could never not love you,” Phil admitted, not trying to draw out the confession. He knew how much those words meant to Dan right now. “I love you so much. Why the hell do you think I kept that box?”

Dan shrugged.

“Because I wanted to save every last memory. I never wanted to let go. I was so worried you had just thrown away that chapter of your life. Left it behind to be lost forever,” Phil smiled. “I’m incapable of letting things go…remember?”

Dan kind of chuckled but he shook his head.

Phil reached out and grabbed Dan’s hand, which startled him.

“Can you…just…clarify one thing for me?” Phil asked, his voice suggesting that he was about to be treading in dangerous waters. He just needed to hear it from Dan one more time. Just so he knew for sure. Dan nodded and Phil paused. “Are you saying that you still want to be with me, Dan Howell?”

Dan didn’t say anything for a long time. His face was as still as stone and his features were impossible to read. But Dan had given him everything tonight. The least Phil could do was lend him some patience.

“…yes.” Dan said slowly. His hands started wringing and he picked up the photograph to keep his wanting hands busy. “But I’m so scared.”

The second part of his sentence was so quiet that Phil wasn’t even sure he heard correctly. But his heart heard it. Dan was terrified. He didn’t want to lose Phil.

But that was good news. Because Phil was incapable of letting Dan go.

Phil gave Dan a comforting smile and with that he noticed that his headache wasn’t too bad anymore. He still felt like if he got up he would throw up everything, but his relief was making it a lot easier to cope.

“Don’t be scared…” Phil spoke softly, his eyes closing. “You’re so brave.”

Phil could see it now. How much Dan had grown. How much he had changed all these years. He had been so young and naive. Their time together as friends had helped Dan become the man who sat before him today. The one that was telling him that he was honestly sorry. Phil could not have been more proud.

“Really?” Dan asked, his old timid nature showing through his newfound confidence.

“Yes.” Phil confirmed with a grin. “I love you so much.”

Dan’s face broke into a grin and his cheeks flushed. There was a moment where neither knew what to do and Phil so desperately wished that he could sit up and kiss the smile off Dan’s face. For the first time in nearly 7 years.

But he was sick and he wasn’t about to give Dan the plague, so he laughed to himself and nodded.

“I guess we can save the kiss for when I feel better…” Phil joked, knowing that Dan was probably thinking the same thing. Their awkward chuckles blended and Phil didn’t know he missed it so much until now. “And uh…I hate to say I told you so…but next time, if I say my stomach hurts, please don’t make me play any games…”

Dan laughed but his eyes glistened with an apology. He was sorry. Phil knew it. Plus, he had admitted far more than Phil expected today. He was off the hook.

“Okay…but hear me out…” Dan argued playfully. “I didn’t want that asshole winning.”

Phil blinked.

“What asshole?”

“Jonah!”

Phil cocked an eyebrow.

“Wait…”

“Phil, you don’t actually think I like that guy, do you?” Dan looked at Phil like he was crazy. As if it had been obvious. Dan waited for a moment and then threw his head back in laughter. “God, Jonah is a bloody asshat! I only told him he could come over because I wanted to shove it into his face how much happier I ended up.”

“Oh…” Phil chuckled nervously. “Really?”

“Yeah. That guy is always breathing down my neck because he knows I fancy you,” Dan shrugged. “I told him years ago when he came on to me.”

Phil’s mouth dropped.

“You told Jonah and you couldn’t even tell me?” Phil shoved Dan with his knee while they both laughed. “God he is an asshat.”

“Yeah…I won’t have him round anymore. I promise.” Dan smiled and pat Phil on the leg as he stood. “Now heal up. I want to have that sweet sweet getting back together sex with the man I’ve been lusting after for years.”

Phil sighed and fell back against his pillow as Dan left the room, leaving Phil with half a headache and another problem he’d have to sleep off.

#phanfic #fanfic #phan #dan and phil #angst #fluff #stomach flu #request #For anonymous #merrydith #worksofphiction #lit

[phantasticlizzy]

Aw poor baby! I hope you feel better soon!! :( worksofphiction wrote some fairly new and well written stuff that's fluffy butnalso hurt comfort so check her tumble for the goodies! That's what I read recently and is really good!!

thank you so much lovely i will check them out :)

#ano #thank you #<3 #worksofphiction

[superbestfriendsandsoulmates]

Phanfic Finder Fest - Masterlist (Card 1)

For the first card i've only chosen fics i hadn't read before!

Set in 2018: all the good love by @alittledizzy

"Valentine's Day, 2018."

Ilness: A Night of Normalcy by @phandabbydosey

"Dan just wished he could be normal again and is left heartbroken after his cancer forces him to miss his school prom. Hating seeing his boyfriend so down, Phil finds a way to give him the perfect night he deserves."

One of them is a businessman: Someone in the Crowd by @cloechecksmyflow

"When Phil went out with his family for his mother’s birthday, the last thing he expected was to receive a surprise himself."

Camping trip: How Bad Could it Be? by @fiction-phan

"We decided it would be fun to go camping and now it’s raining and we can’t figure out how to set up the tent."

Warlock/Magic: here alone (without you) on the ohter side of the moon by @babethepig

"The search for dragon flowers is a yearly quest, but they have always done it together before. Phil has been nervous about letting Dani go alone, even though everyone has assured her that it was going to be fine, that they have done it enough times to know the path by heart. Martyn had needed her to stay because it was going to be a busy week, but now Dani was late to return and none of it mattered. or dan and phil are girls and witches."

Fic under 1000 words: You Didn't Charm My Pants Off by @astudyinfondness

"Prompt: That story Dan tells about losing his shorts on the waterslide and everyone seeing his dick except he’s a few years older and Phil is the one that finds his shorts floating in the water."

Sex work AU: Co-Stars by @mollieblackwrites

"Phil Lester hadn't meant to - he really hadn't. He hadn't INTENDED on working for an adult film company that specialized in full length films when he moved to London. And he CERTAINLY hadn't intended on getting roped into acting in one with his cute and slightly awkward co-star, Dan Howell."

Parenthood: For the Love of Scarlett Lester by @worksofphiction

"Phil has always believed that not all mistakes led to regrets. And every morning, for the past 10 months, he has stared that belief in the face. Scarlett Lester was born on January 1st and she is the most beautiful human being that has ever crawled the earth. Single Dad, Phil Lester is completely obsessed with his baby girl and isn't able to recognize the crush his housekeeper Dan has on him. Will Dan be able to prove that he is good enough for not only Phil, but also his daughter?"

TATINOF era: Giving Everything We Have by @parentaladvisorybullshitcontent

"In which they have a tour bus for the US leg of TATINOF and Dan has a space in his bunk with Phil's name on it."

Proposal: Marry Me (Say You Will) by @truerequitedlove

"pro·pos·al /prəˈpōzəl/ noun a plan or suggestion, especially a formal or written one, put forward for consideration or discussion by others."

(card 2 here)

#fic rec #phanfic finder fest

[quercussp]

i'm going on a long vacation soon and i'm planning to download some fanfics bc I will be without internet for a while. i'd really appreciate a fic rec list of your fave completed long fics. especially if they are mostly pleasant and fluffy (and summer-y if u know any like that), just not Too angsty :) thanks, love u (and all your recs)

Hey, friend! I hope you have a lovely vacation! Here are a few of my favorite long and hopefully summer-y fics:

Heartlines (T, 20k) by @oblivionsgrace - maybe not the longest fic, but one of my favorites. It’s a US college AU about figuring out who you are and being happy with yourself. Strongly recommend!

Sidetracked (G, 86k) by @phanimist - A bachelorette AU where Dan and Phil fall in love with each other instead of the girl. It’s such a happy and well written fic, and it avoids all the cliches that you would think an AU like this would have.

Ships that pass in the night (M, 60k) by @agingphangirl - this fic deals with themes like anxiety, so it might not be the what you want in terms of light and fluffy, but it’s really really good and has a wonderful ending, so I would still recommend it.

L'Histoire Française (E, 105k) by @danfanciesphil - a teacher AU which is full of emotion, tension, baking, dogs, funny moments and all the good things.

No, we’re not calling this fate (M, 24k) by everythingisalot (ao3) - a lovely light, happy and funny AU where Dan accidentally starts texting Phil. 

read between the lines (i will if you will) (M, 72k) by @phanbliss - the 2009 canon fic we all deserve.

Nothing like a story book (M, 246k) by @worksofphiction - wonderful and happy university AU. Does contain some mentions of angsty themes, so check the tags just in case.

now and forever (E, 83k) by @waveydnp - another brilliant AU, focusing on themes of self acceptance and friendship. Love it!

The summer (M, 436k) by @auroraphilealis and @botanistlester - a nice and long summer camp AU. There is a lot of different things in this fic, including a fair share of angst, but ultimately it’s quite a happy story and definitely has a summer-y vibe to it.

First Impressions (Perhaps I Was Wrong) (109k, M) by @phanbliss - another lovely university AU, full of fluff and love.

Fool’s Gold (M, 53k) by doinganap (ao3) - yet another university AU. This one has some angst in it, but I think it’s still mostly fluffy and happy. 

Hope this helps! Feel free to let me know if I missed any of your faves!

#phan #phanfiction #fic rec #fic rec list #anon ask

[irecommendphanfics]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Phan - Relationship, Phil Lester/Original Female Character(s) Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester, Louise Pentland, Original Child(ren) of Phil Lester, Original Female Character(s) Additional Tags: Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Baby Fic, Scarlett - Freeform, birth scene, Raising children, Worksofphiction, Merrydith, Fanfic Request Summary:

Phil has always believed that not all mistakes led to regrets. And every morning, for the past 10 months, he has stared that belief in the face. Scarlett Lester was born on January 1st and she is the most beautiful human being that has ever crawled the earth. Single Dad, Phil Lester is completely obsessed with his baby girl and isn't able to recognize the crush his housekeeper Dan has on him. Will Dan be able to prove that he is good enough for not only Phil, but also his daughter?

#parent!phil #au #fluff #domestic #strangers to lovers

[phanfeed-ao3]

Incapable of Letting Things Go

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2x9Ntln

by Merrydith

When you live with someone for as long as Dan and Phil had, every object retains sediment that can't be thrown away. Especially if you still feel some sort of way towards the memory or the thought the object represents. It pained Phil to watch Dan chuck things that still held so much sediment to him. Letters in green envelopes and CDs that contained songs like “Interrupted by Fireworks” and “Toxic”. Phil winced when Dan crumbled the drawing he had done for Dan when his Skype microphone broke that one time. He hoped Dan didn't notice his overly eager offer to take the trash out, solely to fish a few of these objects out. Pressing the objects to his chest, he'd sneak them away into a box of his own and call it a good deed. Saving the memories of their relationship because Dan wouldn't do it himself.

But what happens when Dan comes across this box and Phil feels like he's about to throw up?

Words: 11287, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phan

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester, Original Characters

Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Phan - Relationship

Additional Tags: Fluff, Sickness, stomach flu, Vomit, Angst, Old memories, Fighting, Unrequited Love, Mention of sex, Moving, Unpacking, Fanfic Request, Tumblr, anonymous, Merrydith, Worksofphiction

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2x9Ntln

#ao3feed #phan #phanfiction #phandom #phil lester #dan howell

[alittledizzy]

Do you have any long ones to recommend? I've never found any I particularly loved :/ and most of them have trigger warning for suicide thoughts/self harm/generally depressive things and I'm just not here for this kind of fic. Also, I just read your last one and i love how you describe anxious tendencies! It was the perfect mix between realistic and fluffly, so, thank you

The hard part to me is finding finished fics. I’m sure there’s a world of amazing fic but I have author related trust issues, I generally make great effort not to start a WIP. Especially if the author has any other unfinished WIP or is the type who starts a lot of stories and abandons them for new ideas. 

I highly suggest First Impressions (Perhaps I Was Wrong) by @phanbliss, The Abstract Notion of Home by @wallflowerchronicles, and Nothing Like a Storybook by Merrydith / @worksofphiction. They’re all university au stories, and they’re all long and well written/well paced! 

#anon asks #phan asks #Anonymous

[ao3feedphan]

Nobody Said Phil Wasn't Sensitive

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2uiDEwF

by Merrydith

Phil has been sitting on a secret about himself for him and Dan's entire relationship. What happens when Dan accidentally finds out that Phil is a bit more sensitive than he thought?

Words: 3041, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Phan - Relationship

Additional Tags: Smut, Overstimulation, bantz, PWP, Light Bondage, Merrydith, Worksofphiction, fic request

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2uiDEwF

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #phan

[worksofphiction]

Good Morning from the Dan and Phil household!

-Looks like you’ll have to sweep again @danielhowell ... @amazingphil

#dan and phil #phan #dan howell #danny #danisnotonfire #phil lester #philly #amazingphil #cereal #good morning #merrydith #worksofphiction

[worksofphiction]

Thank you for 100 followers guys!!!! (As a little gift of appreciation, have a cute drawing of our boys! <3)

I love you all! Thanks for the support!

#phan #dan and phil #phanart #fanart #fluff #dan howell #phil lester #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #danielhowell #100 followers #you guys are awesome #love #merrydith #worksofphiction

[worksofphiction]

Can we just talk about how much Dan loves Phil? <3

#6 Completed!

Gonna try to finish up that fic I’ve been working on tomorrow. Stay tuned.... ;)

#Dan and Phil #dan howell #phil lester #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #phan #phanart #fanart #art #hugs #merrydith #worksofphiction #love

[worksofphiction]

When You Try Not to Think About Elephants

Summary: When Dan suggests they cross something off their bucket list, Phil doesn't realize that it might change their relationship forever. And once it does, he tries everything he can to not think about it. But when you try not to think about elephants, you end up thinking about elephants. A.k.a - The Skinny Dipping/Roller Blading Fic. (Feat. Fluff and Kisses) Genre: SO MUCH FLUFF, Little bit of Anxiety and Angst Word Count: 12,994 Reading Time: 00:48:01 Disclaimer: Characters are works of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Dan or Phil and as far as I know, this never happened.

I haven’t written something of my own accord in a while, so here. Enjoy my little blurb before I carry on with the requests! xoxo

Read on Ao3!

The water was getting colder and the sun was falling faster against the horizon. Phil knew this meant that everyone would want to go back to their hotel, but he hoped if he didn’t say anything, nobody would move. He was sitting comfortably with his bum on the fine sand and his toes reaching for the water that was licking his feet every now and then. He sat beside Dan who’s eyes were closed, his face turned up towards what was left of the sun. Phil took a moment to appreciate the younger boy’s features as they were particularly well lit at this moment. Phil smiled and returned his gaze to the horizon before him, where the water met the sky, while his thoughts remained on this feeling of bliss that he didn’t want to end.

Dan and Phil hadn’t taken a real vacation in a while. Sure, they traveled to Florida for a couple weeks, but it was merely political. His family didn’t want him to miss the vacation and Dan tagged along because Phil didn’t really want to be alone with the bunch. However, as relaxing as it was, the vacation turned into a sequence of days where Phil felt he was attending a camp with an itinerary to prove it. It wasn’t his definition of relaxing.

But this. This was his definition of relaxing. Bryony and Wirrow invited them to an island in the Mediterranean and Phil couldn’t have said yes faster. Not only did their subscribers have no idea where they were, Phil was finally going to get a vacation away from his family and his usual friends.

Except for Dan of course.

Phil could never get sick of Dan. Dan was practically an extension of Phil himself. Some would go as far as to say they were like brothers, but Phil had a brother and even Martyn had his limit. Phil couldn’t spend more than a few weeks with his older brother without feeling like he was being smothered. Dan had always done a good job of keeping his distance when Phil needed it, yet even when he was keeping his distance mentally, physically he was always there. Phil appreciated that. Their relationship was something special for sure. Phil Lester was very lucky.

Just like they were doing now, Phil could sit in silence for hours and not be expected to say anything. Yet when he did want to speak, he could say anything and Dan would nod his head and listen. They were the perfect pair. It was as if they were built for each other at birth. Built to be best friends. Built to read each other’s minds.

“Dan! Phil!” Bryony yelled from a couple feet behind them. Both boys leisurely turned their heads, Dan’s eyes opening just a crack so that his brown eyes could get a glimpse of their friend. It was getting darker by the second and Phil could already hear what she was about to say. “I think the boy and I are going to head up to the hotel. You two comin’?”

Phil turned back to the water that was just now coming up and tasting his feet with its clear hue against the sand. He didn’t want to go in. Not now. Not when things were finally getting peaceful. This was a semi-private resort. There weren’t many people anyway but now that it was nearly night, the people had thinned and the closest person to them - aside from Bryony and Wirrow themselves - were at least a few blocks away. Phil felt as isolated as possible, even though he could almost feel Dan’s heat beside him. In fact, it was the most isolated he had felt in a long while. Even in his own house. Even when he was by himself in his own house. Even without Dan by his side.

“I think we’ll probably hang back for a bit,” Dan answered, throwing Phil back into the conversation. He didn’t notice how he had kind of drifted from it and into his thoughts. “See you guys tomorrow?”

It’s like Dan had read Phil’s mind. As usual. They had spent the entire day with the other couple and although it was wonderful to be surrounded by friends, Phil was sure that the others wanted a moment to themselves. They were actually a couple, while Dan and Phil were just friends. They needed more alone time than Dan and Phil did. But then again, Phil wasn’t complaining about the one-on-one time he got to spend with Dan when the other two dipped out. Not now, or ever. He was perfectly content with spending every moment with the other boy who just made him feel so comfortable.

“Goodnight then!” Bryony waved and Phil just got a glimpse of her genuine smile before her and her partner walked over a hill and towards the hotel. When Phil turned back around, he was met with a pair of eyes that he hadn’t really seen in the past hour. Between Phil being lost in thought and Dan soaking up the sunlight, he hadn’t gotten a chance to look into his best friend’s eyes.

“You look peaceful,” Dan commented. Phil’s smile was kind of stuck on his now semi-freckled cheeks.

“I am,” Phil replied, turning his head and looking away from the golden brown eyes and out at the sunset.

“Well that’s good,” Dan nodded and tried to follow Phil’s eyes so he could see the same thing Phil was seeing. “I take it you want to stay out for a while.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Phil didn’t need to specify why he was thanking Dan. Dan could already read his mind.

“Sure,” Dan said softly, sighing and closing his eyes. “You know, once the sun is gone it’s going to get colder.”

“I know.”

“You don’t like the cold.”

“I know.”

Dan chuckled a little and Phil didn’t have to look to know that he was rolling his eyes.

“Come on. Tell me what you’re thinking about.” Dan bumped Phil’s knee with his own, his dimple showing itself to Phil in full.

“I’m not thinking about anything.”

“Pfft.” Dan laughed again. “Phil, you’re always thinking about something.”

“Nuh-uh.”

Dan cracked his knuckles and leaned back against the sand. He was getting his shirt all sandy but it didn’t look like he cared. He let his head rest on his forearms as he stared up at the darkening sky. “Whatever you say, Philly.”

There was a moment of silence before Phil rolled his own eyes and looked down at Dan.

“Do you ever think about how we never really get a moment of pure isolation?”

Dan took a moment to contemplate. One of Phil’s favorite things about Dan was his ability to take him seriously. Many of the people he knew throughout his life, including his own brother, took the things Phil said as silly or random. They never took a moment to actually consider that maybe Phil was being insightful. Or maybe Phil was actually having trouble digesting some of his own thoughts. Dan always took that moment.

“Yeah, I think about that sometimes,” Dan responded slowly. “Are you referring to as in… two of us? Or us individually?” Dan smiled again. “Cause if you want me to leave you here alone, I can-”

“No,” Phil said, impossibly fast. “The uh…the two of us…I meant.”

“Well then yeah. I think about that,” Dan nodded, cocking his head. “I think about how we have so many ties to the internet that even at home it feels like we’re surrounded by people.”

Phil nodded. “Precisely.”

“Does wonders for us introverts, huh? It’s a feat that we’ve made it this far.” Dan joked, his friendly cynicism was actually comforting to Phil. He knew Dan’s language. He learned through hours of working him through those pesky existential crises. “One of the many downsides of being a celeb, I guess.”

Phil nodded again.

Dan sat up a little and looked around. Even though the world was darkening around them, it was clear that there was nobody in a 50-foot radius. “But we seem pretty isolated right now.”

“That’s what I was thinking!” Phil exclaimed, happy that Dan could feel it too. “I feel really relaxed. It’s like…”

“It’s like we’re completely alone,” Dan finished.

“Yeah.” Phil lied back in the sand to match Dan’s posture, turning his head to look at Dan. “It feels strange to be in a public place and still feel comfortable like at home, I guess.”

Dan hummed and Phil knew that meant he agreed. He knew that Dan understood why he wanted to stay out here as long as possible. Even though it was getting cold and he was starting to lose visibility. There were barely any lights and their only hope of vision was the half moon that was shining brightly above their heads.

And there they stayed for a long while. Neither fell asleep, but both closed their eyes. They soaked up the feeling of the cascading night as it fell upon them. Dan was right, it got colder, but Phil didn’t mind. He was warm on the feeling of comfort - given to him by his friend and the feeling of pure isolation. They had both left their phones in the hotel, attempting to unplug completely, and it was working. Phil had never felt such bliss.

They lost track of time without their phones and once the night sky had no trace of sun left, Phil sat himself up. The tide has risen slightly since they had sat down. He could feel the water tickling his feet more frequently and he knew that if they stayed any longer, they would get their shorts wet. Phil didn’t want that and he was sure Dan didn’t either.

“Hey.” Phil poked Dan’s shoulder lightly. “Hey, the tide is coming up.”

Dan groaned. “I’m so comfortable. I can’t be bothered to move.”

“Well, then I’ll drag you,” Phil joked, poking his best friend again. “Come on. I know you want to maximize the number of times you can wear those. If you get sea water on them, you’ll have to pick out a whole separate outfit.”

“Ugh.” - The sound of Dan knowing Phil had a point. He opened one eye and sat up. “Wow. It got dark.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, looking around. He couldn’t see anything except a small reflection on the water from the moon. “It’s pretty.”

Dan blinked at him. “Wow. That’s a first. Phil Lester thinking the dark is pretty.”

“I’m just saying! It’s quite peaceful.”

“That peaceful is why I wear so much black.”

“No. You so much black because you hate .”

“Not true.”

Phil shook his head, knowing that he wouldn’t win this play argument. Dan was too defensive about his wardrobe. Phil liked to tease him, but really he knew Dan’s intentions by heart. Dan looked good in black. He joked about it being the color of his soul, but secretly, Dan’s soul was more colorful than anyone’s. He wore the black to balance it out.

Just then, a wave of water came up higher than the others and covered both of their feet with the wet surprise. At first, Phil felt like squealing, but then he realized that the water was actually warm. The night had taken the warmth from the air but the water was going to take a while to cool down. It was still hot like the sun and it was almost like a giant heated pool.

“Holy shit, that feels nice,” Dan commented. “I forgot how cold I was until now.”

He rubbed his hands on his shoulders. Phil stared at the water.

“I wish we brought our swim trunks,” Phil sighed. “It would be a good night for a midnight swim.”

Dan was silent for a long while before he stood up.

“I’m going in.”

“Are you crazy?” Phil looked up at his younger friend who was tearing off his shirt. “You’re going to get your pants wet!”

“Who said I was wearing pants?” Dan shook his head as he shimmied out of his shorts. He stood before Phil in his underwear and nothing else. Granted, it was dark and Phil couldn’t see much, but he thought he saw a belly button before his friend turned. “You coming with?”

Phil looked back up at Dan with a bemused look.

“Dan, it’s pitch black. If you swim more than two feet from me, I won’t be able to find you,” Phil spoke his concerns. “Or the shore for that matter. We’re going to get lost at sea!”

Dan huffed. “Then we won't swim further than two feet from each other. And don’t worry. I can find our way back. There are some lights.”

Phil blinked at Dan but it didn’t look like he was going to win this. Dan was already pretty much naked. He might as well cave while he still could. The last thing he wanted was for Dan to go in and then Phil his mind after the fact. Then he would just be upset and too scared to go join his friend in the water.

“Fine. But seriously. No more than two feet,” Phil finally stood and he started removing his shirt.

“If it helps, you can hold my hand.” Dan offered, knowing that Phil would find great comfort in this gesture. Thank god for Dan Howell. Honestly.

Phil finished stripping to his underwear and he threw everything on a pile in the sand, right where they knew they could find it once they were done. He turned towards his friend who was staring blankly at the water with his lip in his teeth.

“So come on then. We this or not?” Phil asked, poking Dan’s shoulder.

“Hey…remember how you said we were pretty much completely isolated?” Dan said, his words falling from a mouth that Phil could barely see.

Of Phil remembered. It was the only thing he could think about on this beach.

“Yeah.”

“This might be the last time in a while that we are completely isolated in public,” Dan observed, his voice laced with something mischievous. They were already going swimming in their underwear. How much more mischievous could they be right now? “What if we check something off our mutual bucket list?”

Ah, the mutual bucket list. The list of things neither of them had done. Things that they both told themselves they would do, combined into one they would tackle together. It was a good idea, really, because neither wanted to go achieve a bucket list alone and they were always together anyway. But usually, these things took planning. Phil wasn’t even sure which item Dan was trying to check off. One didn’t just check something off a bucket list.

His silence motivated Dan to do something Phil wouldn’t have expected even if someone told him it would happen. Dan reached down and removed his pair of boxers. Once Phil figured out what he was doing, he immediately looked away and toward the ocean. It was dark enough that Dan wouldn’t see the blush creeping up his neck and into his cheeks.

He had known Dan Howell for nearly nine years of his life and he had never once seen the boy naked. Not even by accident. You would think, through everything that they had been through, Phil would have stumbled into a naked Dan coming from a shower or walked in on a naked Dan changing. But no, Phil wasn’t unlucky in that sense and this was a first. He didn’t even get a chance to see anything before he forced himself to look away. Dan didn’t seem phased at all, however. He seemed kind of amused.

“Oh come on, Phil! We’ve never been skinny dipping! You said so yourself, there isn’t another person for miles and it’s so dark it wouldn’t even matter!” Dan begged, his smile audible through his tone. Phil didn’t have to look at his friend to know he really wanted this. “We might never get this chance again and I don’t want to skinny dip alone, Phil. That’s so lame!”

Dan was right. If they were going to cross this off their list anytime in the near future, it had to be now. Otherwise, they would probably have to wait a while for another opportunity. Phil wasn’t against the idea. In fact, he really liked it. It only added to the freedom he felt at this moment. Away from the internet, his family and every other human on the planet. Skinny dipping was such a foreign concept for someone like him. Someone just famous enough that showing a willy to the world was kind of frowned upon. He understood Dan’s desire to do this and who was he to deny the request.

Phil laughed at himself and he nodded, reaching down and removing his own underwear and letting them fall into the pile of clothes that was now at their feet. Dan didn’t look down, thank God, but it did make Phil jump when Dan reached out and grabbed his hand. Dan seemed to notice Phil’s hesitation and he loosened his grip.

“You still want to hold my head?” Dan asked, probably trying to make sure he wasn’t crossing any lines. Obviously, the two had held hands before but it seemed a little strange when they were both completely naked.

“Yeah. Please.” His fear of the dark ocean wasn’t any less severe than a minute before. Dan chuckled and started walking, leading Phil down to where the actual ocean began. Phil followed, looking up and only up so that he didn’t accidentally catch a glimpse of his best friend’s junk while the moon hit them sporadically with light.

Soon, they were at the ledge. The water was up to their shins and if they walked any further, they would be submerging themselves into the water at a steady decline. Dan looked giddy as he pulled Phil faster, the water creeping up his body. Phil didn’t have time to think about how the warm water would feel on his bare body until the water reached his stomach and suddenly he was skinny dipping in an ocean he’d been staring at all day. Both Dan and Phil’s modesties were covered now, the water reaching their shoulders and their feet on the cool ocean sand below them. Phil turned to see Dan grinning wildly, his wet hand wringing through his hair.

Phil couldn’t help but smile, thinking about how crazy this was. How completely free he felt. There was nothing he missed more about the simple life than doing what he wanted when he wanted. He wouldn’t dare regret his fame or his ability to influence young minds, but it was nice to feel like a nobody for a while. A nobody with his other nobody friend who was just casually naked in the him.

His thought process ended when Dan took the hand he wasn’t holding Phil’s with and splashed some warm water on Phil’s face.

“Hey!” Phil laughed and splashed back. “What was that for?”

Dan didn’t answer, he just dunked himself completely under the water and stayed for a few moments. That would have terrified Phil if he didn’t still feel the little squeezes Dan was doing to his hand. Dan knew his worries too well.

When Dan did come back up, he came up closer to Phil, his face popping up about three inches from his own. Phil a little and laughed. Phil was clearly still very nervous about this and Dan was trying to make him feel more comfortable.

“Phil, come under with me! It’s so warm!”

Phil hesitated but he really wanted to. He didn’t even know why he was so nervous. Dan had the right idea. They were already in the water. The worst part was over. He reached up with his other hand and plugged his nose, allowing Dan to tug him under with his next plunge.

Everything was warm and dark and the only thing he could feel was Dan’s hand on his. He held his breath for a while longer than he thought he could, his heartbeat pumping slowly in his ears. The water was SO warm and Phil forgot for a second that he was completely naked and that Dan was beside him. He forgot for a second that he was even on a beach. He forgot for so long in fact, that he started to feel Dan’s hand pulling him up and out of the water.

“Phil!” Dan laughed and shoved his shoulder once he resurfaced. “You were under there for so long. What the hell? I didn’t know you could hold your breath for that long!”

“I didn’t know either…” Phil smiled, his tongue poking through his teeth. “Wanna see who can hold it for longer?”

Phil wasn’t even sure why he suggested it, but now Dan was giving him that competitive glare that Phil knew meant Dan was going to try and him. And then there was a countdown and he was underwater again, trying to distract himself from needing to breathe.

First, his mind went to the warmth again, letting the feeling of the water envelop his entire body. He thought about how the sun had worked so hard to warm this water and how the cool air just made it seem warmer once he was submerged. It was such a comfortable temperature to add to such a comfortable night. Then his mind went to Dan and how comfortable he felt beside him. Completely naked and exposed, yet totally at peace. He couldn’t say that about any of his other friends. He was surprised they had never been in this situation before actually. Especially during the moments on tour when they were both changing. He remembered needing to do quick changes in the same room with Dan, but they always did this thing where they would turn around and not look until the other person was done. Phil never thought about how in those moments as well, they were naked and beside each other. Then his mind went to how many times Dan had made him feel comfortable in situations he might never have been. Like the time they were staying the night in a “haunted” hotel and he thought he might die if he slept in his own room. Dan gladly let him bunk with him - explaining that he was also terrified and that if they slept together it would make them both feel better. Or like the time Dan offered to come on a two-week long vacation with the Lesters, just so that he didn’t have to feel so uncomfortable by himself. It wasn’t even a big deal, yet Dan offered without hesitation. Like with most things, Dan was completely aware of Phil’s inside thoughts. It was amazing. Phil was such a lucky guy to have a friend like Dan. How did he end up with someone so considerate? And not only that, Dan was the most interesting person that Phil knew. Even though he knew Dan better than any other human might, he learned new things every day. That boy’s brain was a mystery. It was as if he was a constantly changing puzzle that not only intrigued but calmed him. Every thought, every wish, and every plan that came from Dan was inspiring to hear. Most people thought that it was Phil that stood as Dan’s role model, and even if that were true, it was Dan who Phil deemed the more collected. In all fairness, they equaled each other out. One could not live without the other and their relationship was the most beautiful thing of it all. Phil only wished that one day, maybe Dan would-

“Phiiiil!” Dan whined from above the surface, tugging on his arm and pulling him up harshly. “We get it, you won! You don’t need to stay under there for that long to prove it.”

“I won?” Phil asked, blinking away the water from his eye sockets. Dan glared.

“Yes, you rat. You won.” He shoved Phil a little in the chest. “You were down there for at least 40 seconds. I was starting to worry.”

“Worry that perhaps I would stay under for twice as long as you?” Phil said with a cheeky grin. Dan’s mouth formed a line as he tried not to smile.

“Shut up.”

“What do I win?” Phil asked, knowing he was being a little shit.

“We didn’t establish prizes, Phil,” Dan argued. “So you win nothing.”

“Oh come on! I have to win something!” Phil whined, now 100% invested in this little competition they had since he actually won. Dan looked around as if he could see anything at all, trying to think of something.

“Fine…uh…you win…” He bit his lip. “A splash to the face!”

Before he even finished his sentence, Phil felt water covering his face again and Dan was laughing hysterically.

“Hey!” Phil grimaced, smiling because he couldn’t not. He splashed Dan right back this time, and with twice as much water as Dan had splashed him with. But now Dan was swimming away, his face turned away from Phil in an effort not to get hit. “Come back here!”

Dan was swimming away, but all the while, his hand still held tightly to Phil’s.

“You have to catch me first!” Dan yelled, laughing maniacally and if Phil was more of a smart ass, he could have brought up that he already did catch him. They were holding hands. Phil would have called this game unfair if he wasn’t so secretly glad that Dan was keeping his promise. Sure, Dan couldn’t swim away completely, but he was putting up a good fight. Phil just laughed and tried to splash Dan with his other hand until he couldn’t reach the other boy with his attempts.

“Okay, okay! I forfeit! You win!” Phil yelled, slightly out of breath from his furious splashing attempts. Dan froze and he turned around, mimicking Phil’s smile - the tongue poking out and everything. If Phil hadn’t just given up and if his arm wasn’t burning from the extra exercise, he might have splashed the younger boy for that as well. But he didn’t and Dan came swimming closer with a little help from Phil who was pulling his hand like a rope. Phil laughed and looked down at their connected arms. “It’s like in Gravity when Sandra Bullock is attached to those space ropes.”

Dan looked at him with a disbelieving stare. “Are you really bringing up another space movie reference?”

“I like space movies.”

“Me too, but stop thinking about space movies!”

Phil was quiet for a second.

“Now I can only think about space movies because you told me not to.” Dan glared at him. “What? Gravity is a good movie though!”

“Yeah but that makes me Sandra Bullock! And no offense, I don’t really want to be Sandra Bullock,” Dan joked, trying to catch his breath from his little swim moments before.

“You’d make such a great Sandra Bullock though! You have the hair already!” Phil reached forward and ruffled the younger’s wet locks. “And then you get to Bryan Randall!”

“Who the hell is Bryan Randall?” Dan asked.

“Sandra Bullock’s partner!”

“Why the hell do you know that?” Dan teased, rolling his eyes.

“Becuase I know a lot about Sandra Bullock!”

“But why?”

“I don’t know!” Phil threw his hands up. “Late night googling, maybe?”

“Whatever,” Dan chuckled and Phil felt him squeeze his hand. “How long do you wanna swim for?”

Phil contemplated for a moment and shook his head.

“Forever.”

Dan laughed. “I mean, same. But really, you don’t wanna get out yet?”

“Not really.”

“Good, cause neither do I.”

Phil hummed and he closed his eyes. It felt so nice to just stand in the warm water like this.

After a moment of silence, he spoke again.

“How often do you think Sandra Bullock get’s to go skinny dipping?”

“Phil!” Dan threw his head back in laughter. “What are you on about?”

“Seriously!” Phil laughed too, recognizing how ridiculous he sounded. “I’m not saying we’re on the same tier as Sandra Bullock as far as celebrities go…but like…I bet she has a hard time too.”

“Well, that’s exactly it, Philly. She’s on a different tier. She is rich. She can probably go skinny dipping anytime she wants,” Dan responded, finally taking the question seriously. “In her private beach with her private bodyguard.”

“We should get one of those.”

“A private bodyguard?”

“Yeah. And a beach.”

Dan chuckled and bumped his arm against Phil’s. “You’re so stupid.”

“I know.”

There was another moment of silence, this one longer than the rest, where Phil took a second to look up at the stars that he just noticed. He was going to make another reference to Gravity but he decided against it when he noticed how enthralled Dan was in the stars.

Phil knew Dan loved space. Which was probably why he wasn’t the biggest fan of the movie to begin with. He loved the idea of being in space, on the moon, away from people and things to stress him out. Once upon a time, not too long ago, Dan mentioned that if he had a choice, he would live in space with Phil forever and call it a successful life. Phil remembered blushing when he was told that because Dan didn’t care for people that much and to be invited on Dan’s little private island in space was a special honor. He knew Dan cared about him, but that was when he really felt it. Dan loved Phil more than anyone and it was an honor to love him back.

Dan’s eyes twinkled in the moonlight and Phil found himself watching Dan instead of the stars themselves. The stars were nothing in comparison to Dan’s bright smile, but Phil wouldn’t dare say that out loud.

“Phil.”

“Hm?” Phil didn’t look away.

“Why are you staring at me?” Dan asked, without raising his voice or even looking away from the stars above him.

“I’m not.” Now Phil looked away. But he could feel Dan’s glance on the side of his face now.

“You were.”

Phil stayed quiet. What was his excuse? His best friend looked particularly beautiful in the moonlight beside him. Not to mention, naked.

“Were you admiring my many chins?” Dan asked, his tone joking but Phil knew it was an insecurity.

“Quite the opposite actually,” Phil admitted, knowing it was the right context. Dan needed the reassurance. “You look really beautiful in this lighting.”

“Wow, Phil. Are you some artist now?” Dan laughed, a hint of blush barely visible on his cheeks. Not that Phil was looking.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

Phil kept looking up and away from Dan, knowing that if he turned towards him, he would be met with those beautiful brown eyes that seemed to sparkle now more than ever.

“Hey, Phil?”

“Hm?”

“If I asked you to kiss me right now, would you?”

Phil’s mind stopped. His heart stopped. His entire body froze. He hoped that Dan didn’t feel his hand tighten its grip.

Did Phil hear Dan right? Did he just ask Phil to kiss him? He allowed himself to turn his head slowly to meet Dan’s eyes finally, in an attempt to decode what he was just asked. But he was only met with more confusion when Dan’s eyes were completely sincere. They looked almost desperate.

“Um…sure,” Phil swallowed thickly, his voice coming out more broken than usual. He wasn’t sure why he said it. And he wasn’t exactly uncomfortable with the idea of kissing his best friend, which was entirely why the words slipped out in the first place. It scared him that it seemed so natural. As if kissing his friend was something that was supposed to happen right now. Perhaps that’s why Dan asked. Maybe he was also feeling that way.

“You don’t have to…I was just-” Dan stopped his sentence, a nervous ramble coming out in hopes of making the silence disappear. Phil didn’t want to ruin this strange moment and in that moment, Phil couldn’t think of a reason not to kiss him, so he tightened his grip on Dan’s hand and focused his attention to Dan’s lower lip. The lip that Phil had seen so many times in a completely platonic.

Phil wasn’t going to hesitate. He pulled Dan a tad closer with their connected palms, just enough so their naked bodies weren’t touching, placed his other hand on Dan’s jaw and he leaned in gently to place a very soft and chaste kiss on Dan’s lips. He held his mouth there for a while. There was no tongue, there was no heat, it was just soft lips on soft lips for about 5 seconds.

And it was bliss.

Phil had never felt so warm. He broke from the kiss but didn’t let himself go far. Their foreheads were touching gently and their bodies were frozen where they were. Dan had a rose color painted on his cheeks to match Phil’s and he watched as Dan’s eyes fluttered open.

“Th…” Dan was going to say thanks but he choked on the words and couldn’t spit the rest out. Phil heard it though, in his own head, and something about the way Dan said it made him want to kiss him again.

So that’s what he did.

Phil leaned in again, this time he scooched a little closer to Dan’s body - still not enough to cross a line (but neither were thinking about lines right now anyway) - and he kissed the boy again. This time, allowing his tongue to swipe the younger boy’s bottom lip. His mouth moved slowly with Dan’s and it got so quiet that all Phil could hear was the sound of their lips colliding completely and beautifully. Why they kissed before? This was incredible.

But the ocean was unpredictable and somewhere Phil knew that this couldn’t last forever. A little wave knocked Phil forward a tad and his chest fell flush against Dan’s. Then Phil felt their thighs collide (along with every other part of them) and suddenly, Dan was pulling away.

They stared at each other for a moment and it was like they had an entire conversation with just their eyes. On the one hand, they were both trying to figure out why that was so incredible. On the other hand, they knew they shouldn’t have done it. It occurred to Phil that this wasn’t just Dan’s fault for asking because he completely went along with it. The moment just seemed so perfect. It was as if they were just granting the universe a favor - doing what they were written to do in the line of fate. Purely for the aesthetic of the night. They were both trying to figure out where to go from here. Now that their most private areas had just made contact. Brief contact, but contact nonetheless.

“Um…” Phil looked down, clearing his throat. “It’s getting late.”

“Yeah. It is.” Dan smiled a defeated smile at Phil and they started for the shore.

Obviously, nothing could be solved with a silent conversation but at least Phil knew where they both stood. It shouldn’t have happened. They were both in the wrong. So why the hell did it feel so right?

Once they reached the point where Phil could feel the cold air on his unmentionables, he started to panic. Dan had still not let go of his hand and that was very kind of him, but now they were walking up to their pile of clothes, hand in hand and completely naked. Right after sharing the worlds most meaningful kiss that definitely shouldn’t have happened. Phil had every right to panic.

But he played it cool, not looking at Dan as they redressed themselves with one hand each. At least they were both decent now. At least Phil could look at Dan without crossing some other line.

It was when Dan finally let go of Phil’s hand that he really started to worry. Of course, Dan was destined to let go of his hand once they reached shore. They were no longer at risk of floating off into the darkness and Phil was pretty sure they could see a lot more over here than they could in the ocean. But when Dan loosened his grip and dropped Phil’s hand without saying a word, it felt like they lost something in that moment that Phil doubted he could ever get back. Everything was so perfect only minutes before and suddenly there was something wedged between them. Something neither of them could explain. Phil frowned and tried to keep his expression from reaching Dan.

The lights in the hotel were pretty dim and once they reached the double-bedded suite that they were temporarily calling home, Phil could see the same expression on Dan’s face. He tried not to look but it was hard not to wince when he realized they were probably both thinking the same thing.

Phil had never seen Dan naked. Not once before this.

Phil had never kissed Dan. Not once before this.

Phil had never felt this awkward around Dan. Not once before this.

This brain told him that the only logical thing he could do was hide in the bathroom and feign sleepiness. So he mumbled something about needing to take a shower and he the bathroom door shut, locking it and turning on the water.

He wasn’t even sure he had the capacity to shower. Not when he was this horrified. What if they ruined their perfect relationship? What if that kiss was literally the last moment they’d share together before parting ways as friends? He was not prepared for that.

He knew his brain was overreacting and he told himself to take a few breaths. Whenever Dan’s mind decided to do this, Phil always had him take a step back and talk it out. He hated that even his advice came from the memories with Dan but it was the only thing he knew to pull from. Dan was his friend. He wouldn’t hate Phil for this. Especially because it was both of their faults. There wasn’t anything they could do about it. So it was probably best to ignore the whole thing. Pretend it never happened and just forget it.

That would be easy…if it wasn’t the single best kiss Phil had ever experienced in his life.

It felt completely and utterly necessary that they kissed. It felt like it was exactly what he was supposed to be doing. He wondered again if that’s why Dan asked him in the first place. It might have been what the universe wanted in that moment.

But why the hell was the universe asking him to kiss his best friend? It’s not like he fancied Dan. Not really, anyway.

Of course, Phil had thought about it. What person doesn’t consider what it would be like to date their best friend? Especially if you work so damn well together as friends. But the thought was always followed by a list of reasons as to why they wouldn’t work. Why they couldn’t work. So why couldn’t Phil think about any of those reasons right now?

He shook his head and stripped, entering the shower and deciding the best course of action was to pretend nothing happened. They skinny dipped. As friends. And they accidentally bumped into each other. A couple body parts touched and it was no big deal. Because they were friends. Friends that were both male and had the same biology. No big deal.

Dripping wet and terrified, Phil wrapped a towel around himself and crept out of the bathroom and into the hotel room. He hoped that his face didn’t give away his true emotion. He found Dan lying on his bed, sifting through the channels on the hotel TV. It wasn’t as late as the sky suggested, it only actually being 10:30. Phil checked his phone and bit his lip, noticing that the TV was the only sound in the room. He quickly grabbed his clothes from his suitcase and wandered back into the bathroom to change.

Once he was ready for bed and possibly ready to face Dan, he came back out and pulled back the sheets of his own bed. He slid between them and reached out to scroll through his phone. Anything to distract his spiraling mind. He only wished he knew what Dan was thinking about all of this. Maybe it would make him less anxious.

Like the Gods were listening, Phil’s prayers were answered. Dan turned his head and without bothering to mute the TV, he spoke.

“So we should just…cross that off our bucket list and call it a night,” Dan suggested, his voice harboring a certain amount of insecurity that Phil couldn’t really identify. Phil said nothing. “The skinny dipping, I mean.”

There was a silence where some lady in a commercial tried to explain how her back had been giving her problems.

“And maybe we should shake on it,” Dan continued.

“Shake on it?” Phil looked at Dan, letting his confusion show through his features and is tone.

“Yeah…” Dan sat up and faced Phil directly. He held out his hand for Phil to reach. “Let’s just never talk about this night again. Let’s pretend we went back to the hotel and just went to sleep. So this isn’t so awkward. Okay?”

Phil hesitated then. Because did he really want that? Did he really want to shake on this and forget everything?

Yeah. He did. He didn’t want this awkward air to surround them like this. Not when he spent nearly nine years perfecting this relationship. The idea of taking it any further was just too scary and he didn’t have the actual capacity to think about how things could turn out - good or bad.

So he reached out and took Dan’s hand, shaking it and letting the thoughts leave his head as he smiled at Dan, teeth and all. Dan looked pleased and then he leaned back, his entire body relaxing and his face at peace once more. It was as if all the awkward drained out through the window in that moment. Dan had become very good at blocking things out like this. Something he had to work very hard to learn how to do. His eyes landed on the TV and there they stayed for the rest of the night, until they fell asleep, talking about stupid shows and some anime they had been told to watch.

A fun fact about the human mind is when someone tells you not to think about elephants, the first thing your brain does is think about elephants. This was something Dan and Phil both liked to utilize with each other on a weekly basis. Dan would tease Phil and tell him to not think about his blinking or his breathing. Then Phil would get him right back and tell him not to think about existing and how he was alive and living at that very moment. They both thought it was funny and it was.

Until now.

Now, it was as if Dan had said “don’t think about that magical night”, only resulting in Phil thinking about that magical night nearly every second. He woke up the next morning and things felt normal. He was proud of himself because he managed to shake the memory. But when they joined up with the other two for a continental breakfast in the hotel lounge that morning, Phil found himself staring at the pancakes that went into Dan’s mouth, wishing it was his own tongue. Then, Bryony asked them about their night and Dan told a lie, leaving Phil to imagine the whole truth all over again. It was a terrible cycle that felt like it was never going to end. His brain bought it up, then his mind told him what not to think about, leaving Phil to just relive the moment over and over again. Fuck human psychology.

But he shook on it. They weren’t going to talk about it or mention it ever again and Phil had never broken a handshake. Not with Dan. And he wasn’t about to start now. Especially over something so trivial. He would just have to live with it until he forgot or the memory was much less fresh.

But clearly, that wasn’t going to work. They got back to their flat after the rest of their vacation and he could still feel the ghost of Dan’s lips on his own. He wanted to rip them off altogether because he couldn’t stand the desire to feel them once more. His body was purposefully getting clumsier. Forcing him to bump into Dan more often and make eye contact at the worst of times. For example, while Dan was eating ramen and slurping up a rather large amount at that. Or while he was eating a Klondike bar from their freezer, his lips surrounding the chocolate brown tip. Phil shuttered and looked away, trying to ease the goosebumps of desire from his flesh.

But these were only trials. Phil’s final test was just around the corner on a Saturday afternoon. He had a very relaxing morning on his own. Dan was off editing something and then diving into the Guild Wars hole that he loved so much and Phil was enjoying a bowl of cereal on their terrace. Everything was quiet and Phil was finally starting to feel like things were back to normal. He was watching the pigeon sitcom that he loved to retell through emojis and texts to Dan. Dan wouldn’t get them till later, but that was fine because Phil actually liked to watch Dan’s reaction to his hysterical version of Pigeon West Side Story. He sent his usual chapter to Dan and then dumped the rest of his cereal milk into his mouth, standing to walk inside. He was humming to himself while he brought the bowl to the kitchen and he nearly dropped it when he saw Dan standing next to the fridge…completely and utterly naked.

“Ah!” Phil squeaked, shielding his eyes with his arm. “Dan! What are you doing!?”

He turned around so fast, he was worried he might get whiplash. The image of Dan standing completely naked in front of him was burnt into his retinas. His face was full of deep red.

“Dan!” Phil yelled again when Dan didn’t answer.

“What?” Dan asked, his smile audible.

“What do you mean what?!” Phil exclaimed, trying to find an explanation for this in his mind. Did they forget to do laundry? Were there no towels? Was this an Emperor’s New Clothes situation? Did Dan need therapy?? “You aren’t wearing anything!”

“Of course I’m not wearing anything. This is my house. I do what I want,” Dan responded, the sound of something entering the microwave was heard before some buttons were pressed. Phil wished Dan could see his face of disbelief but he wasn’t about to turn around again.

“You…you’ve never walked around naked before,” Phil protested, not trying to shame Dan or anything, however, this was entirely new behavior and there was certainly no explanation coming from Dan that wasn’t “I want to be naked.”

“So?” Dan laughed. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

Phil nearly choked. Two things. One, Dan wasn’t supposed to mention that night. At all. They were supposed to silently check it off their bucket list and call it a night. Didn’t he remember the handshake? And two, even if they were mentioning that night, Phil didn’t see anything! It was too god damn dark. Even if he got a glimpse, it wasn’t enough to warrant a free-nudity agreement. Phil wasn’t sure this was such a good idea.

“Dan…”

“What? Does it make you uncomfortable if I just…” Dan’s voice sounded like it was getting closer. “…walk around naked? It’s kind of liberating. Honestly. You should try it.”

Phil swallowed thickly, sensing that Dan was within touching range. He was having a hard enough time getting the feeling of Dan’s lips off his own, he didn’t need Dan to touch him and leave more phantom feelings behind.

“I don’t…really feel comfortable doing that. I’m not sure I like the idea of seeing myself naked, let alone letting you see me naked.” Phil couldn’t believe he was having this conversation right now. And in his own kitchen. He sniffed. While Dan was cooking leftover Chinese food.

“But Phil, I’ve already seen you naked,” Dan laughed, walking away and opening the microwave. “The damage is done.”

Phil furrowed his eyebrows. When had Dan seen him naked? Surely it was too dark for Dan to see anything the other night. Plus, Phil was watching carefully. He was insecure and he would have noticed if Dan had looked down long enough to absorb anything at all.

So it must have been another time. Another time he hadn’t noticed. Why the fuck did Dan think that would make him feel any better about this?

“Dan…can you please just put some clothes on?” Phil asked, of course, shaking his head.

There was a sigh and then a silence as Dan pulled his food from the microwave and placed it on the counter.

“No. But I’ll go in my room if you’d prefer.” His tone was so kind. He didn’t sound upset or angry with Phil. If anything, he sounded a tad disappointed, but Phil wasn’t really in the mood to deal with that right now. He couldn’t have Dan walking around naked in the flat - especially considering recent events. Dan should know that. Why didn’t he know that?

The flight to Spain was supposed to be easy. Dan and Phil had flown together many times in the past. It was routine. It came with the job. They both brought laptops and earphones and usually checked out for however many hours it took to get there. In this case, it was three. It shouldn’t have been a problem.

But now Phil was anxious. He hadn’t seen much of Dan since he had seen ALL of Dan and now he was bouncing his leg up and down as he tried to relax beside the boy who was already completely immersed in the newest Tyler the Creator album. Phil assumed Dan couldn’t even sense how anxious he was, especially because he seemed so calm until Dan’s hand raised from its spot on his chest. The hand landed on Phil’s shaking knee and Dan’s head rolled over to the side, eyes opening slightly to meet Phil’s.

“Relax.”

The tone in which he said the word made all the difference. It was as if Dan could read his mind over all the people on this plane. His eyes were so soft and his lips turned up slightly in the corner - a detail that Phil would have missed had he not been spending an unnecessary amount of time looking at them in the first place. Dan’s freckled cheeks were so close to Phil and all he wanted to do was kiss them to pieces. But of course, he didn’t. He let his wide eyes looked into Dan’s until his own regained regular shape. Dan could calm him with just a facial expression. That must be a new feature of their relationship. How well timed.

Their flight went smoothly after Phil allowed himself to relax. He watched the new Kingsman movie and thoroughly enjoyed it. Dan fell asleep and ended up into the empty seat beside them. Phil took a funny photo that he almost posted but then decided against.

Now it was time for yet another work vacation.

In sharp contrast with the vacation they just took, they didn’t go one second without running into someone they knew. Either that or someone who knew them. It was flattering to get all the attention from both viewers and other creators, but Dan and Phil were exhausted by the end of day two. They were ready for some serious downtime. Luckily, Anthony came to the rescue.

Dan had just taken a shower and had just exited the bathroom when there was a knock on the door. Dan grabbed his clothes from his suitcase, scurrying off to the bathroom once more, leaving Phil to answer the knock.

“Phil!” Anthony exclaimed, pulling Phil in for a hug. And thank God for Anthony because Phil felt like he was about to be stuck alone in the room with Dan again who probably wasn’t intending to change in the bathroom. “Phil, how are you?”

“Good. I’m good. How are you?” Phil laughed and invited Anthony in. As they exchanged formalities, Dan reemerged from the bathroom with only his bottom half dressed.

Anthony wolf whistled. “Ooooh, ! Lookin’ hot, as usual!”

“Hi, Anthony.” Dan gave him his signature peace sign and then wandered over to his bag to fish for a shirt. Phil swore Dan gave him a look but Phil couldn’t interpret it in that split second so he shook it off and smiled at Anthony instead.

“What brings you over here then?” Phil asked.

“Weeellll…” Anthony leaned on the wall with his elbow. “I’m sure you already know about the Roller Blading party tonight, right?”

“We’ve only been invited like 50 times. Why? Are you here to pick us up?” Dan asked, pretending to be coy as he walked over and playfully swooned. Anthony threw his head back and laughed.

“Something like that. I’m here to be your third wheel…” he offered. “If you’ll have me.”

Dan and Phil got comments like this all the time. There was no reason for this to make Phil freeze, but it did. The blood rushed to his face and he quickly looked down in an effort not to get noticed.

“You know we need the supervision.” Dan sent a playful wink in Phil’s direction that Phil couldn’t ignore, responding with a little snap and a finger gun. What going on today? Why did this feel so awkward?

“I knew it,” Anthony teased. “Well, then I suppose we should go find you two some outfits because those will not do.”

Phil looked down at his t-shirt with the t-rex print. Was he not dressed appropriately for this party? He wasn’t supposed to show up in fancy attire, right? Because he didn’t bring any…

“I think we look fine, thank you very much.” Dan put his hands on his hips and Phil could tell he was thinking the same thing. Why couldn’t they show up like this?

“Well, considering it’s a 70’s roller skating party, you two look far too modern,” Anthony laughed, pointing at Dan’s black shirt with the fine white grid. “I mean seriously. You look straight from the Jetsons.”

“Hey!” Dan poked Anthony in the chest and Anthony swatted him away.

“Come on. Let’s go get glittered,” Anthony said in a playfully flamboyant tone, to which Dan and Phil shared a glance.

“Okay, okay. Hang on.”

They gathered their wallets and phones, heading out the door for a good skate.

Phil’s feet hurt. They hadn’t even been on the skating floor for that long. His shoes were certainly too tight and he had about hit his threshold for socializing. Dan had already given up on the skating, planting himself on a ledge somewhere where he could scroll through Tumblr. If there was any benefit to creator parties, it was that nobody was frowned upon for using their phones. It was as if it were respected in fact. Phil told himself he would skate a couple more rounds but then he was done. He needed to get these skates off.

He was skating to the tune of ABBA when he pulled off the ring and sat down. Dan seemed to notice, hopping onto his skates and following him to the bench.

“You finally giving up?” Dan laughed, the crinkles next to his eyes showing themselves to Phil.

Anthony had forced them to paint their faces with glitter which, at the time, felt like a bad idea…but now as Phil was looking at the reflection of light in Dan’s eyes, he thanked Anthony silently because his eyes looked so good besides the accessory. He hoped maybe his eyes were doing the same.

“Yeah…my feet hurt,” Phil whined. “I think my skates are too small.”

Dan had already leaned down and removed his skates, his toes wiggling in his bare white socks.

“You want some help?” Dan asked, patting his knee for Phil to put his foot on. Phil nodded and popped his leg up for Dan to grab.

That’s when Anthony came back over, shedding his skates as well.

“Hey thanks for coming with me tonight, guys.” He smiled and pulled out his phone while Dan tried desperately to get Phil’s skate-off. It was certainly too tight. Phil was regretting his choice in size now. “Ian couldn’t make it.”

“No problem.” Dan’s voice sounded strained as he tried to get the skate off. “I don’t know what I would do without Phil. Honestly. I’d have to go third wheel Casper and Joe and we know how well that would turn out.”

All of them looked over at the two goofballs giggling across the rink. Casper was trying to get Joe to move faster but that wasn’t happening and he almost fell three times in the span of about five seconds.

“Oh my god, I can’t get this skate off!” Dan groaned frustratingly. Anthony chuckled and opened his Instagram, beginning to film. Phil made a face for the camera as Dan kept tugging. They tried this for a while, even after Anthony stopped filming and eventually, Dan jokingly gave up and threw Phil’s foot at the ground. Anthony filmed again.

“It’s been ten minutes, guys.”

“I can’t get them off. These are my new legs,” Phil joked, attempting to loosen the laces even more.

“Maybe your feet swelled up and now you’re stuck forever,” Dan laughed. “Maybe you’re pregnant.”

“Ooooh! Mpreg fic! I call being the weird uncle!” Anthony yelled, kneeling down and trying to pull of Phil’s himself.

“If we had a baby, you would certainly be the weird uncle that we would only invite to Christmas out of formality.” Dan looked at Anthony with a serious stare, cracking into a laugh immediately after.

Nobody noticed how Dan just assumed it was he who was the father. Maybe it was implied with the joke, but Phil couldn’t help but notice how his mind just went there without any sort of provoking.

Finally, Anthony pulled a little harder than Dan could from the angle he was sitting and the skate popped off, his foot able to breathe once more.

“Ah thank you!” Phil closed his eyes and leaned back as he wiggled his toes. Anthony nodded and went for the other one. Luckily that one came off easier than the first. “Oh, that feels so much better.”

They put on their regular shoes and it felt weird for a moment but his feet adjusted and it stopped feeling like he was still skating.

“I’m going to go grab some pizza with Mitch and Greg, you wanna come?” Anthony asked, probably only asking out of formality.

Dan looked at Phil and within an instant, he already knew Phil’s answer.

“I think we’ll catch up with you later. I think we need a little fresh air.” Anthony blinked back at them and he put his hands on his hips as he laughed.

“You guys really freak me out. How you can just…” He wagged a finger between the two of them. “…communicate like that.”

Dan and Phil laughed their signature nervous laugh, yet they said nothing. They always forgot how strange that must look when it’s not just the two of them. They did have some sort of strange connection that everyone picked up on. Whether it was their subscribers or their friends.

“Well, I’ll catch you on the flip side then, folks!” Anthony saluted them and then sauntered off to find his friends.

“Air?” Dan offered, standing and offering Phil his hand to get up. Phil nodded and finished tying his shoelace, grabbing Dan’s hand and standing. They quickly let go because who knew how many cameras were on around here. They were trained to be cautious about that.

They walked out back and then around a couple corners until they found a spot that was extremely unpopulated. Considering how hot it was inside the rink, Phil was surprised that there weren’t more people out here. They away against the side of the building, the faint smell of cigarettes lingering in the air.

Phil leaned against the brick wall and took a breath. Thank goodness it was cool outside tonight. He had only consumed about one and a half glasses of wine and he was feeling hot in the face, but not drunk enough for all the socialization happening around him. Dan had consumed a glass or two more than Phil and he seemed like he was in just the right spot.

“You okay?” Dan asked, knowing Phil’s exhausted body language better than anyone.

“Yeah…just overwhelmed.”

“Need another drink?”

“That might be nice.”

There was a moment of silence and Phil noticed that they had accidentally scooted very close to each other. Dan was leaning against the wall with his chest turned to Phil who had his back flat against the brick. Dan’s chest was touching Phil’s shoulder and his head was only inches from Phil’s own. Phil didn’t want to move, so he didn’t. No harm in that, right?

Dan looked down at Phil and smiled, reaching up and picking a rouge sequin off his cheek. Phil flinched a little but didn’t let himself move.

“Sorry. Didn’t want this in your eye.” Dan made up some bullshit excuse and blew the sequin off of his finger.

“Did you make a wish?” Phil asked, stupidly. He was really fishing for something to say.

“On what? The sequin?”

“Yeah. You pulled it off my face. Eyelash rules apply.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re an expert in eyelash rules?”

“Mmhmm.”

“And what credentials do you have to prove it?”

Phil looked up into Dan’s eyes - the ones surrounded by glitter and fond crinkles.

Dan knew that when Phil got overwhelmed, it helped him to forget about the problem. Phil was always looking for a distraction and damn Dan was good at giving him one. Phil just laughed and shook his head.

But what he couldn’t shake, was how comfortable he felt right now. Much like the other night on that Mediterranean beach, he felt like this moment was the only moment that mattered. There was a faint sound of traffic in the distance but their little alleyway hid most of the noise. He could hear murmurs from the people on the inside of the propped open door a few corners away. But everything was so quiet that he could hear his own heartbeat. He could have sworn he could hear Dan’s too but he didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to think about how close Dan’s chest was to his body. He didn’t want to think about how he was exactly at eye level with Dan’s so kissable lips. He didn’t want to think about the smile that Dan was giving him right now - the same smile he was giving the other night in the ocean. Of course, Dan wasn’t naked and they weren’t completely isolated, but this felt the same in a different way. It was just the two of them. Just the two of them against a brick wall that divided them from the rest of the Youtube community. Nothing could make this moment more peaceful. Nothing except-

“Phil?”

Phil blinked and his thought process halted.

“Yeah?” He answered, staring blankly in front of them, trying to do anything but look at Dan.

“We shook on it.”

Was Phil that readable? Dear Lord…was their connection really that good? Could Dan really hear his thoughts?

“I wasn’t…” he mumbled, trying to defend himself. “I’m sorry. I just…”

“It’s okay, Phil.” As if Dan was completely ignoring his own comment, he stepped in front of Phil so that their eyes met. He didn’t step back though and their chests were now practically overlaying. “You want to talk about it?”

Phil shook his head and he could feel the heat rising in his cheeks.

“Are you sure?” Dan’s voice dropped to a low whisper, not breaking eye contact with Phil who was having a very hard time keeping his heart rate down. “Because we can talk about it.”

“But you said…” Phil wasn’t even sure he could remember what Dan said. All he could think about was how Dan made them shake on…something. Something involving that night and something involving never doing it again. Something…

“I know I said…” Dan nodded, his hand falling and reaching for Phil’s left hand. The same hand Dan held that magical night. “But maybe…” Their fingers laced together. “Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

Phil took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. The universe was doing it again. Planting an idea that he couldn’t ignore. Something about this moment. Something about Dan. Something about the situation they were in. It was absolutely perfect and now that Phil had tasted Dan once, it was going to be harder to ignore this time.

But he didn’t want to make Dan uncomfortable. He was going to need permission. And this time, he didn’t want it to be nonverbal. He wanted Dan to say something. Anything. Just enough for Phil to know it was okay. His eyebrows went up slightly and Dan seemed to get the message through Phil’s pleading eyes.

“Will you kiss me again?” Dan asked, his voice barely audible. Phil didn’t need even a second before he connected their lips. Those sparks that everyone always talked about, flew and smacked Phil in the face. His heart rate spiked and his eyes fluttered shut as soon as he felt Dan’s gentle hand on his cheek.

They kissed for only ten seconds but it felt like an eternity. Dan allowed himself to pull back and Phil could feel his smile as their lips parted.

“We shook on it,” Phil muttered, the nervous part of his brain starting to act up. What did this mean? They were certainly not the same Dan and Phil that they were before that vacation. They were something different. What the hell were they? What happens now?

“Shhh…” Dan stroked the side of Phil’s face, careful not to mess up his glitter. Phil calmed down, but his thoughts were all jumbled and he wasn’t sure what to say to Dan other than;

“You told me not to think about elephants…” There was absolutely no way that Dan could have understood what he meant by that. There was no way because Dan was another separate human being and they shook on it. Phil hadn’t said a thing. But suddenly Dan placed a kiss on Phil’s cheek and his smile made his face light up.

“Well, I thought about them too.” He answered, one thousand percent aware of what Phil meant. “So how about we talk about them?”

Phil’s bottom lip was buzzing with the feeling of Dan’s and suddenly it didn’t seem so scary. Looking into Dan’s brown eyes and watching him smile was like therapy and Phil didn’t need any more reassurance. Phil looked around because he could have sworn he heard a few footsteps. Much like nature’s wave, it messed up the moment because suddenly Dan was backing up a few inches and their bodies separated. He could feel the air flow between them now and Phil’s face fell. He really hoped this didn’t mean they were going to shake on it again.

But then when the footsteps faded, Dan was back where he was standing before and their chests connected once more. Phil looked up and into Dan’s eyes, his heart skipping a beat.

“But we can’t talk here,” Dan whispered, his mouth getting close enough to Phil’s ear that it sent shivers down his spine. “Are you ready to go back to the hotel?”

Phil just nodded and Dan’s smile told him that he was completely in agreement.

And then in no time at all, they were walking silently through the door of their hotel room and down their things on one of the beds.

This would have been awkward if it weren’t for the lingering feeling of something more. They were in a state of limbo. A state where they were no longer friends and they both knew it. But they were nothing else yet. It didn’t feel wrong or weird or taboo. It felt exact. Like they were doing something they should have done a long time ago.

Phil was about to ask where he should sit down or if Dan wanted him to wait or something, but when he turned and opened his mouth, Dan was there to meet him with open arms and a kiss.

Phil realized then that it wasn’t the moment that made the kisses perfect. Although the moments seemed to motivate their decisions, it was entirely Dan that made those kisses so wonderful. It was entirely them. This kiss was just as beautiful as the rest and Phil couldn’t think straight with Dan’s arms wrapped so tightly around his waist.

They allowed themselves to fall back against the bed, their mouths connected. Their kisses were so soft and their hands so gently caressing each other. Phil felt like he might fall apart beneath Dan who couldn’t get enough of Phil’s lips on his.

They had to part though because they needed those mouths to talk and they really really needed to talk.

“Phil, I think we both know what needs to be said right now…” Dan started, his lips brushing against Phil’s as he spoke.

“Can’t we just…not say it and keep…” Phil kissed Dan again and Dan shook his head, breaking their lips apart.

“You can’t even say the word kissing. We need to talk about this,” Dan said, his rejection so gentle that it didn’t even feel like Dan was doing it. “We spend so much time not talking that maybe it would be good to say something for once. Especially this.”

“What’s left to say?” Phil asked, knowing that it was a stupid question. Dan gave him a smile and he shook his head.

Phil didn’t want to say what Dan was suggesting they said unless he was 100% sure that Dan felt the same way. He was terrified and he had every right to be. He wanted Dan to say it first. He didn’t want to embarrass himself. Not with this. This was far too important. He had too much on the line.

“How about we say it at the same time?” Dan suggested, reading Phil’s mind yet again.

Phil nodded, swallowing and bracing himself.

“And then we can do this…” Dan kissed him lightly. “For the rest of the night.”

“You promise?” Phil asked, like a child who was too insecure to know any better.

“I promise.” The angle was weird, but Dan lifted his hand and grabbed Phil’s with it. The same hand he grabbed the two times before. “Let’s shake on it.”

Phil shook Dan’s hand and then Dan lifted it and kissed the top.

“On the count of three?” Dan asked gently, kissing Phil’s cheek. “One.” He kissed Phil’s neck. “Two.” Then Dan kissed Phil’s lips once more. “Three.”

“I love you.” They both said the words so gently and softly and then looked deeply into each other’s eyes, a smile appearing on both of their faces. Phil didn’t want to admit that he was scared about being wrong. Even though their wordless communication was usually on point, he didn’t want it to be wrong this time. Of he loved Dan. He’s loved Dan this entire nine years. He’s loved Dan since the moment they spoke. He just never thought that it could be this kind of love. He never thought that Dan would love him back. He never thought that maybe things could be even better than they were before.

“I’m so glad to hear you say that…” Phil admitted, his eyes darting to anywhere but Dan’s face. “I was worried that maybe you didn’t-”

Dan cut him off with another kiss.

“Didn’t what?” Dan asked, his tone teasing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you.”

Phil shook his head and looked up into Dan’s brown eyes - the ones that were silently telling him that everything was okay. That he loved him and that he had nothing to worry about.

“You really thought I might not feel the same way?” Dan teased, lifting his head up a little and giving them some distance between them to talk. “Phil…” It was the fondest he’s ever muttered Phil’s name. He rubbed their noses together and he closed his eyes to take in how close the two were. “I asked you to kiss me in the moonlight the other day. How much gayer could I get?”

Phil laughed and then he was sudden;y very aware of the glitter that was getting all over the hotel bed.

“Honestly?” Phil reached up and picked a sequin off of Dan’s face. “At least 10% gayer.”

He blew the sequin into Dan’s face and Dan smirked.

“Did you make a wish?”

Phil just crinkled his nose and pulled Dan’s head down to plant another kiss on his lips. “Yeah.”

“And?” Dan said with a cheeky grin. “Did it come true?”

“Did yours?”

Dan kissed Phil again without an answer.

That moment was the moment everything clicked into place. Phil knew that Dan felt the same way and even without having to say anything at all, he knew that their relationship had changed. Those three simple words cut the tension between them like a knife. Phil could feel the difference.

So they made out. For a long time. For longer than Phil thought was possible without suffocating. It was all Phil wanted. He wanted to be as close as physically possible to Dan. Dan made him feel whole. He felt like the universe created them for each other and it was as if he could feel it now. He understood. Like a perfect puzzle piece, Dan lied gently on top of Phil and their legs twisted together in the closest of ways. Phil wasn’t particularly comfortable with moving too fast and Dan was respecting that without having to ask - which he guessed was the perk of dating his best friend who knew everything about him. They were ten minutes in before Phil realized something, slowing his pace and eventually pulling back from Dan’s lips for a moment.

“Dan?” Phil asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Hm?” Dan’s lips were stained pink. He was flushed and his hand was midway through Phil’s black quiff. Phil didn’t want to stop but he couldn’t help but wonder.

“Why the hell you walking around the flat naked?” Phil asked, his eyes shutting as he tried not to picture what was under the clothes Dan was wearing right now.

Dan threw his head back in laughter. Phil didn’t really see what was so funny, but Dan’s laughter was pure and his blush darkened so Phil didn’t mind. He waited for Dan to stop laughing and then he received a kiss that Dan planted on his neck.

“If I’m being honest, I was trying to get you to think about elephants,” Dan continued their little metaphor, his smile broadening. “I thought maybe reminding you of how naked we were…might help stir the thoughts around a little.”

Phil playfully hit Dan in the face. Gently of course. “You could have done anything! But you chose to startle me with nudity?”

Dan sighed. “Well, it worked.”

“No, it didn’t! I mean…” Phil was getting flustered as he tried not to think about Dan’s naked body. “I mean it did…but not because you were naked.”

“Well, what was it then?” Dan asked, his cheeky smile only growing as Phil became more flustered.

“I don’t know!” Phil wilted, completely lost in thought now. There was no returning from where he was now.

“If it makes you feel any better, I felt pretty lame that day too. Because it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with all this,” Dan admitted, his right hand gesturing to his body. “Seemed like maybe I read the wrong signals.”

Phil almost felt bad but then he remembered that Dan had done it on purpose and the sympathy left him. He shook his head and decided to call it even. He kissed Dan’s nose.

“Of course I want…” He blushed. “All that. But let’s take it one step at a time? A lot has happened this week. My brain is really tired.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

There was a moment of silence where Dan just looked down at Phil and his eyes softened, brushing a strand of hair from Phil’s forehead.

“Could we just go back to kissing then?” Dan asked gently, a coy expression appearing on his face. Like he was afraid to ask. “I have nine years of catching up to do and if we don’t start now, we’ll miss our flight tomorrow.”

Phil laughed and connected Dan’s lips to his own, picking up where they left off and trying to learn the newest of their nonverbal languages.

#Dan and Phil #Phanfic #Fluff #Fanfic #Fic #Phic #worksofphiction #Merrydith #Ao3 #Roller Blading #Roller Skating #Skinny Dipping #mediterranean #beach #vacation #holiday #anthony padilla #youtube #creators summit #angst #love #kissing #phan #dan howell #phil lester #This is so cute I might die #<3

[worksofphiction]

A little grumpy Dan with chicken pox.

(A little illustration to go with the fic I just wrote...)

Read it here on Ao3!

#dan and phil #chicken pox #phan #phanfic #fanfic #dan howell #phil lester #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #fluff #sick #merrydith #worksofphiction

[worksofphiction]

GOOD MORNING FOLKS! <3

#1 is done (thank you Anonymous)! Now onto #6! ;)

#Dan and Phil #fluff #phan #snuggle #morning #dan howell #phil lester #phanart #fanart #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #merrydith #worksofphiction #Guys this is the cutest thing #im not crying #PANCAKES

[worksofphiction]

Hi! For the request thing, can you please write a really angsty hurt comfort sick fic with a happy ending? Maybe friends to lovers. Preferable if Phil is the one going through most of the hurt and being comforted but doesn't necessarily have to focus on one person. Either this or a Hogwarts au with insecure but talented Hufflepuff Phil and very kind and loving Slytherin Dan?

Itching with Jealousy (The Chicken Pox Fic)

Read on Ao3

Summary: Dan and Phil go to LA to spend some time with their good friend Anthony. But what happens when Phil’s bad luck gets him sick and he has to listen to the love of his life fall for another guy?Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, SmutWord Count: 13,840Reading Time: 00:51:07Disclaimer: Characters are works of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Dan or Phil and as far as I know, this never happened.

LA was hotter than England, and Phil was not having it. His fringe was sticking to his forehead and he was trying to keep up with Dan who was uncharacteristically speed walking down the sidewalk. It was the day after Vidcon ended and Dan had to be exhausted. Phil was. Phil wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, but he was hustling and Phil was working hard to follow.

“Come on, Phil! We don’t have all day!” Dan insisted, turning to find his friend a couple paces back.

“No, Dan, that’s the point. We literally do have all day. We’re spending the night, remember?” Phil answered, surprised that his claim actually worked. Dan slowed down the slightest bit and lined his pace up with his best friend’s. “Why are you in such a hurry anyways?”

They were headed to their good friend Anthony’s apartment where they would be spending the night and Dan would be helping film a collab. Anthony had called weeks ago and Dan had known about this film collab ever since. He hadn’t told Phil much about it and usually, that meant that it wasn’t anything special. But today Dan was walking faster and rushing his friend along, which was strange behavior for the brown haired one.

“I just don’t want to keep him waiting,” Dan admitted, shoving his hands into his tight pockets as he walked at a normal pace. They were only a couple blocks away now and Dan looked to be calming down.

Usually, the internet pegged Dan for the heart eyes and the hopeless love for his friend but oh how Phil wished it were true. Secretly, Lester had the love eyes of a dove and he tried his hardest to hide it. Dan was his everything. When he waltzed into Phil’s life, everything changed. He loved Dan and in turn, learned to love himself. Being 22 with no real job or direction, Phil had his life in tangles. Meeting someone like Dan, who was insecure himself, helped him realize that his life wasn’t all that bad. That things were okay if he just chose to see them that way. He fell hopelessly and hard for the brown eyed boy, which in turn, helped things fall into place.

It’s hard to remember a time before he was in love with Dan, but he remembers quite clearly the day that he realized it. They were spending a week at Phil’s house shortly after they first met in person and Dan was lying next to him in bed after playing a couple intense games of Mario Kart. Phil looked over and saw Dan’s beautiful smile and he promised never to let this boy go. The happiness was radiating off the younger boy’s body like some sort of drug. Phil could catch a smile from only a glance which Phil had never experienced before. If Phil lost the only thing he loved, he would never forgive himself.

Now 8 years later, Phil Lester still hadn’t let go. But he didn’t say a thing or admit to his crush either. He was too afraid to take the risk. Sometimes Dan would get close to him and snuggle up against Phil on the sofa - as friends do? - and Phil would get an inkling that perhaps the other boy felt a certain way about him as well. But shortly after, if he mustered the courage the test out that conversation, Dan would do something that suggested he might not feel the way Phil originally thought. Phil’s anxiety almost always beat him to the punch and he hated that he second guessed each instinct. For example, just last week, Dan came home with flowers for Phil. His favorite flowers in fact. Dan had remembered. So Phil took them with glee and placed them on the table to admire while they ate. A few smiley days went by and Phil contemplated what those flowers could mean. Was this Dan’s way of trying to hint at Phil that he liked him? Was Dan suddenly realizing that Phil was the one all along? He even thought about asking. But Phil’s anxiety stopped him and when Dan’s phone rang a few days later and Dan shouted from the kitchen that Phil “could answer it,” Phil found out that he had sent flowers to his parents as well. So Phil banged his head against the table and shook the thoughts back to the spot they always sat, waiting for another reason to let them out.

Then there was Vidcon. The most stressful “vacation” of the year. Of course, Phil loved meeting his fans and attending panels, but the thing Phil loved the most about it was getting to spend every waking hour with his best friend. They even lucked out this year and got to share a hotel room, something Phil missed about their younger years. As they become more well known by the Youtuber community, they were offered bigger rooms, separate quarters and different schedules. Even when Dan commented about their “lack of space,” Phil just nodded and pretended he was bothered like he probably should be. Phil’s silence was expected in these sorts of situations and Dan just looked back down at his luggage as Phil’s eyes lingered on the love of his life for two more seconds.

Phil was currently staring at the back of Dan’s perfect head as they walked the hot pavement of LA. His neck wasn’t beading from sweat in the LA heat and Phil was sweating buckets. Dan hated getting sweaty and surely he’d be sweating by now in that obnoxiously big sweater. Something was off but Phil couldn’t place it.

“Phil we’re literally almost there, stop dragging your feet!” Dan called to Phil who was suddenly not feeling so hot. Was Dan moving fast or was Phil actually slowing down? He was feeling quite dizzy and now kind of hoping Anthony lived closer than a few feet because he was going to vomit if he had to walk anymore. “Dude, what’s taking you so-”

Dan turned around and froze when he saw the state that Phil was in. Phil must have looked pretty ill because Dan’s mouth was slightly open as if he wanted to finish his accusation but his brain wouldn’t let him. Phil stopped moving forward and Dan narrowed his eyes in a confused manner.

“Dear God, Phil. You look horrible…”

“Gee thanks,” Phil replied but regretted it immediately. His voice sounded like someone had ripped out his larynx and stomped on it a few times for good measure. Holy shit. Was LA finally killing him?

“Okay, only like 14 more feet,” Dan said as he looked down at his GPS. “Are you gonna make it?”

He almost asked as if Phil might need a gurney.

Phil just nodded and pushed through, mentally telling himself that maybe he needed a nap. He scratched the back of his neck where the sweat was pooling and carried on for the rest of the distance.

“Finally!” Anthony greeted them with a joke, his eyes landing on Dan first, promptly offering a hug. When they finally pulled apart, Anthony glanced at Phil and his brows furrowed. “Phil?”

“Phil!” Dan grabbed Phil’s shoulder and actually pulled him towards him because he was about to fall down the short concrete stoop they were stood on. “Maybe you should get a rest?”

Phil just nodded, things getting a little blurry. Was this what heat stroke felt like? He could have sworn he drank enough water today. He was hydrated, full of protein from his continental breakfast and had gotten plenty of sleep. So what the hell was wrong with him?

Anthony guided them to his spare bedroom and told the two that they could sort out who got the bed and who got the couch later. For now, Phil was placed into the fluffy white sheets that couldn’t look more inviting.

“Thanks, guys…” Phil mumbled, his eyes shutting and his hand reaching for the swampy nape below his hairline. He scratched it again and propped his head up on some pillows. “I’m sorry, Anthony. It’s good to see you.”

Dan laughed, at least someone was, and patted Phil’s leg.

“Get some rest. We’ll be fine without you for a minute, right Anthony?” Dan confirmed, mentioning something about wanting to talk to him about Pokemon. Phil nodded and watched as the two left the room with a slight wave and a sympathetic glance.

“I’ll be fine in a couple hours…” Phil told the empty room, hoping maybe they heard. But at the current moment, he couldn’t care. Sleep was tugging him and he was gladly going with.

-

Phil woke up with a sharp sensation on his stomach.

“Ow!” He sat up and scratched at what seemed to be a bug bite. He lifted his shirt and saw the little red bump that had become irritated quite quickly. He gasped and threw back the covers. Maybe there was a bee in the bed? He found it completely unlikely, but this was Phil Lester and honestly, he’d had worse.

Then he felt the same sensation on his leg and he jumped. He lifted his leg and found not one, not two, but three bites on his calf.

“What the…?” He searched the bed like a crazy person and thought that perhaps Anthony had ants? It was completely possible. Ants were small and LA was like a breeding ground for insects. The weather was nice and the bugs really liked that. But he searched for minutes and found nothing. All he found was a damp spot where he had once laid, his hot body had apparently sweat through his clothes and into the sheets. He grimaced at the thought of being so sweaty so he lifted his shirt from the bottom and threw it off to the side. He was hot anyway and perhaps that would help. Was he getting a hot flash? He certainly wasn’t at the age of heart failure. What the hell was happening to him?

His hand flew up to the now extremely irritated spot on the back of his neck, scratching at it and finding relief in the sharp pain of his fingernails. He had never felt this way before and it was starting to concern him. Maybe if he got out of bed, it would help cool him down. He might as well go find Anthony and let him know about the sheets…

He stood from his damp spot and caught himself before falling over. He was super dizzy and his head was throbbing from what Phil guessed was some sort of vertigo. This was the kind of pain that Phil only assumed happened in those zombie movies on TV. He would have laughed at his own thought but his head hurt too much to speak now so he just waddled forward and out of the door as he tried not to think about the itch on his neck.

He made his way down the hallway and towards the sound of pots and pans. It was still light out, thank God, so Dan and Anthony were probably cooking a meal - Phil hoped it was lunch and he hadn’t been out for too terribly long.

But when he walked into the kitchen, Dan nearly spit out the wine cooler he had been sipping.

“Holy fucking shit, Phil.” Dan’s hand landed on his chest and Anthony turned to face Phil’s slumping form, a shocked expression spreading across his face. Dan actually backed up against the counter. Suddenly, Phil’s thought about a zombie breakout didn’t seem so far-fetched. He stood silently as he tried to read their expressions.

“Phil…” Anthony started, glancing at Dan as if he would finish his sentence.

“I really don’t feel good…maybe I should…” Phil grabbed the wall so he wouldn’t fall over. Speaking took every ounce of energy from his body. His heart was beating faster but everything was going in slow motion. Dan looked like he wanted to lunge to catch Phil’s teetering body, but he stopped himself and Phil just assumed it was because he didn’t want to act all couplely in front of Anthony. This was kind of a pattern with his younger companion. The stuff that Phil usually associated with flirting only happened behind closed doors. Never in front of their other friends. Which is why none of them would believe him if he told them he thought Dan had the hots for him every now and then.

“Are those…?” Dan’s voice was higher than usual, generally signaling that something was wrong. “…bug bites?”

Phil nodded but he could see Anthony shaking his head.

“No, Dan, those aren’t bites…” he said it slowly, stepping towards Phil very carefully to get a closer look. “I think those are…chicken pox.”

“Chicken pox?” Both Dan and Phil spoke at the same time with the same inflection.

“No no no no no,” Phil mumbled, his lips getting dryer by the second. “I can’t…I don’t have chicken pox.”

“No, Phil, I’m pretty sure…” Anthony backed away at the same speed he had moved towards him. “I know chicken pox when I see them. Kalel got them pretty bad when we first started dating.”

The silence in the room was honestly unsettling. Phil didn’t like the sound of this. He didn’t know much about chicken pox, as he never got it when he was a kid, but he knew it meant that he was sick and not with the common cold he usually left Vidcon with.

“Fuck!” Dan exclaimed, his eyes landing on his hands. “Phil, I swear if you got us both sick I’m going to kill you.”

He went to the sink and washed his hands immediately, even though it probably did nothing in terms of disease prevention. Anthony shot Phil a caring glance, obviously not used to Dan’s humor. Phil knew he was joking but kind of wished he wasn’t. Phil would take death right now. Anything but how itchy he had become.

He looked down at his irritated chest and suddenly understood why they had stared at him as if he had 13 heads. He had at least 30 little red bumps littering his chest and abdomen. He looked like an advanced dot-to-dot puzzle that would take hours to complete.

“You really should get back into bed,” Anthony said, his eyebrows up in a sympathetic gaze. “I’ve never had chicken pox and I’m not really into the idea of getting it when I’m 29, thank you very much.”

Phil’s eyes drifted to Dan who was now drying off his hands on a dish towel behind the counter.

“Don’t look at me! I haven’t had it either. Sorry, mate, I’m staying over here,” Dan shook his head and bit his lip. Phil could tell that he felt bad but there wasn’t much he could do about the situation. Unless he wanted to catch the pox himself which Phil was nearly certain wasn’t the case.

Phil hung his head and nodded, hoping he wasn’t being too dramatic as he exited the room. He was yawning and luckily his fatigue would put him right to sleep. That was the hope anyway. He climbed back into the soggy bed and tried to ignore how itchy his entire body had become. What the hell had he done to deserve this?

-

Phil was drifting in and out of sleep for hours. He tossed and turned and couldn’t manage comfort at all. He had strange nightmares that morphed with his reality. The walls were thin and he could hear conversations happening in the lounge. Dan and Anthony must have put on a movie because he could hear car racing through the wall. However, he wouldn’t have been surprised if it was just his imagination.

He was awoken by a creak of the door and the entrance of a head into the crack. He glanced over with his blurry vision and thought he could make out the shape of Dan’s face. Anthony and Dan looked enough alike and he said nothing, just in case, but the familiar British accent comforted him when Dan finally spoke.

“You doing okay?” He asked gently, knowing the answer with a single glance. Phil was clearly in terrible shape and he was the type to look deathly ill when it was just a cold.

Phil shook his head and sighed. Dan nodded, probably assuming that Phil didn’t want to talk. Thank God they knew each other so well. Phil couldn’t imagine what would have happened if it were just him and Anthony.

“So listen…” Dan wasn’t coming into the room, for obvious reasons, but Phil didn’t like the way he stood in the door. His head was peeking through a crack and it almost looked like he wouldn’t breathe in the air that was coming from Phil’s direction. Phil knew that Dan was being cautious but his sick mind was convincing him otherwise. As if Phil was disgusting him. He thanked his irrational brain for that mindset and tried to shake it. “Our flight is at 9:00 pm tomorrow. I don’t know much about chicken pox, but I don’t think you can fly home while you have it.”

Phil hadn’t thought about this. He hadn’t had time. But Dan was right. His dad got the measles once when he was a kid and couldn’t go on the family vacation to Florida. Airlines were serious about this stuff and surely Phil was in no condition to fly anyways.

So was Dan going to fly home without him? That didn’t seem like a good idea. He barely knew Anthony. He couldn’t stay here. And if he did leave and go buy a hotel room, he would have to take care of everything himself. No way. Dan wouldn’t leave him…would he?

“Are you gonna…?” Phil mumbled, trying to get all of his worries across in those three words. His tone was rather clear. Dan’s eyes widened as if he understood.

“No no! That’s what I came here to tell you.” Phil felt the relief wash over him. Dan was a good friend after all. “Anthony said we are more than welcome to stay here. It’s cheaper than a hotel and honestly, you don’t seem like you can move. We can worry about a flight later when you’re feeling a little bit better, yeah?”

Phil nodded, so grateful that Dan knew everything about him, including his hypochondriac habits.

“Great.” Dan shifted where he stood. “Can I get you anything while I’m back here?”

Anthony’s guest room was the furthest door from the front of his flat. Phil was nicely tucked away where he could sulk away his sickness without the outlook of others. He supposed that this was the right call but he was feeling particularly left out. He did come to Vidcon with the expectation to hang out with his friends. If he was being honest, solitude was only making his illness worse. Hearing Dan and Anthony talking and laughing in-between his sleep spells was irritating.

“No,” Phil lied, wishing he could complain to Dan about how lonely he was feeling. But Dan didn’t look like he wanted to spend any more time where he was standing and Phil understood. Chicken pox was highly contagious and if what he had heard was true, he would be this way for a few days minimum.

“Alright. Well, Anthony and I are gonna worry about getting medication for you. Just hang tight. Get some rest and I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Dan continued, his eyes soft and filled with concern. Phil wished that Dan would stick around a little longer, but he was still feeling rather dizzy with the desire to sleep so he didn’t argue. He just half nodded and tucked himself into the pillow a little more, humming in discontent. He was trying so hard not to itch himself and was close to asking for oven mitts. But sleeping helped pass the time and he could ignore the pain while he was unconscious.

Dan lingered for a minute after their conversation was clearly over. Phil could feel Dan’s eyes on him even though his own were closed, Dan’s presence was always something he was good at sensing. But then Phil heard the door squeak shut, his sick presence now the only thing left in the room.

Sleep came quickly, but not until his brain threw out some more toxic thoughts. Ones that he could identify as paranoia, yet still paused to consider. Thoughts that suggested that Anthony was going to replace him. Thoughts that proposed that Anthony was better than Phil. The thoughts that whispered jealousy only made Phil more upset about being bedridden.

-

When one sleeps all day, it’s often hard for one to sleep through the night. Phil was restless. He had checked his phone for the time, the result annoyingly earlier than he thought. It was only 11:00 pm and there was no way Dan or Anthony had gone to bed. He listened for a sign that they were awake and heard nothing. Perhaps they had gone to bed. Dan and Phil had woken rather early that morning. It’s possible that Dan tuckered out.

But that wasn’t like Dan. Dan was known to push his limits when it came to sleeping. He liked his friends too much and Anthony was no exception.

Phil figured that while he couldn’t sleep, he should try and mobilize. He could use a drink of water and it wasn’t too far to the kitchen. It would ease his random anxiety about being left out and that was worth something.

Grunting a little, he stood from his little nest. He still didn’t feel totally up to par, but his head wasn’t throbbing as much as it had been 10 hours ago. He slowly inched his way to the door and opened it slowly. There was a small creak from the floorboards as he walked into the hallway. It was then that he heard something from the living room. A little shuffle from someone seated on the couch. Maybe Dan had passed out and he was just turning in his sleep. That was comforting to an extent. That at least meant that Phil wasn’t missing anything too exciting.

Phil rounded the corner from the hallway and was met with not the one form he was expecting, but two. Dan and Anthony were both turned with flushed faces and wide eyes, looking directly at Phil.

“Hey, Phil!” Dan said, his voice kind of cracking, a quick cough clearing that up and his voice returning to the considerate tone he was using earlier. “How are you feeling?”

Phil was staring. He was sick but not stupid. Anthony was fixing his shirt near the neckline and Dan was subtly trying to wipe his lips off with the side of his hand.

Fucking hell.

They were making out.

Phil sighed, obviously pretending not to notice what was going on before he walked in. When you’re best friends with someone and they are trying to cover something up, it’s polite not to ask. Allegedly, Dan will tell him later, as best friends do. Then Phil is to pretend he didn’t know and Dan will giggle about how Anthony is “such a good kisser.” He can hear it now, yet he wished he couldn’t.

“I um…just needed some water. Maybe some fruit or something,” Phil sulked. It’s a good thing he was sick. The sulking was considered a side effect of illness. Dan nodded and cleared his throat again.

“Need some help?” he asked, his eyes pleading for Phil to say no. That would just make this entire thing far more awkward. Phil wasn’t a shitty friend, so he shook his head and took one last look at the state of his friends, turning and heading toward the kitchen.

“Glasses are in the top left cabinet!” Anthony shouted, to which Phil didn’t answer. He just grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the sink, spotting an orange and collecting that as well. He shuffled back out to where he was standing before, blinking at the two awkwardly silent boys, hoping that it would make them feel uncomfortable, then he turned without a word, heading back to his place of slumber.

Phil shut the door and stood still, staring at the wall above the bed. He leaned against the wooden entranceway and replayed the last two minutes over and over.

Then he felt something dripping in his hand and he noticed that he had just crushed the orange he was holding. Great. The rind had split and the insides were slipping through the crack.

Dan had just been kissing Anthony.

His stomach now ached with something he usually identified as jealousy, but because he was already sick, he couldn’t tell.

He was mad. But was he overreacting? Probably. Dan was the love of his life and there was always that string of hope that perhaps Phil was Dan’s, but now he knew for sure. He knew that he had zero chance with Dan, with or without chicken pox, and that’s what was breaking him.

He drank half of the glass he poured himself and then flopped onto the bed belly down. At this point, he didn’t care that the orange was released from his hand and tumbling to the floor. All he cared about was his miserable existence and the fact that his best friend was making out with their good friend.

In any other situation, he would have laughed and joked to himself about thinking too much like Dan. But honestly, he saw no other reaction.

This sucked.

Then Phil started thinking about how none of this would have happened if he hadn’t gotten this horrible illness. Chicken pox was known for ruining things but how many people could say that chicken pox was the reason the love of their life was making out with someone else? Only a couple rooms over even. How the hell did Phil get this kind of luck?

Phil’s eyes shut and he sighed, knowing that there was nothing he could do about the situation. But the universe was not done with him. Not yet. He heard a lighthearted giggle from the other room. Then a silence. Then another giggle.

Phil knew they were probably laughing at a joke one of them cracked or something of that sort, but he couldn’t help but think that maybe they were laughing at him. The poor boy with chicken pox who nearly just walked in on them sucking face. If only they knew. Dan should know that Phil was smarter than that. His stomach sank before he was able to stop his brain.

-

You would think that things would get less awkward after that and everything would go back to normal but after an embarrassing little cry and a restless sleep, Phil awoke to a knock on the door. Dan entered slowly, taking in the appearance of his friend who looked to be doing worse.

Phil was doing better but his emotional state was starting to wither. He was still itchy but his mind was racing with the possibilities of Dan and Anthony’s midnight escapades, and he had forgotten about the red splotches covering his skin. He supposed that was one good thing about being ridden with jealousy. Other less important things are forgotten.

“I brought you chicken noodle,” Dan said, his smile probably genuine. His lips looked like the lips that Phil usually longed to kiss, but all Phil could see now were devices that had been attached to another human being’s face. “How do you feel?”

Psh. If only Phil could really tell him.

“Fine,” Phil answered, his voice nearly gone. His throat was raw and the crying probably hadn’t helped.

“Well Anthony said that maybe we should take you to a doctor when you’re feeling up for it,” Dan suggested. Phil shivered at the sound of Anthony’s voice leaving Dan’s lips. He was angry at himself for thinking so foully about one of his friends. But he was sick. He was allowed some slack. At least that’s what he told his criticist brain. “You feeling up for a trip?”

“How far…cause I don’t know if I can-”

“Oh, Anthony will drive,” Dan interrupted, somehow reading Phil’s train of thought. Phil didn’t feel like walking anymore in that heat. Usually, Phil is glad that Dan could read him like a book, but if he was going to be interrupted like this, he’d prefer if it wasn’t with Anthony’s name.

“Okay.” Phil nodded and sighed, looking at the bowl of soup that Dan placed next to his bed. The side table was littered with tissues. Luckily Anthony’s guest bedroom was stocked with tissues and a trash bin. Maybe not for this specific purpose, but it aided his drippy eyes last night.

Dan noticed his eyes on the tissues and he laughed. “You must be feeling better if you can beat it that hard.”

It took Phil a second to get what Dan meant by “beat it.” He glanced at the tissues that he had shed his tears into and then returned his glance to Dan, offering him a small smile. He didn’t have the energy to come up with some bullshit reason.

“Eat your soup and then we can get you to the doctor, okay?” Dan smiled, noticing that Phil was not in the mood to talk about masturbation habits. It almost looked like he was going to reach out and pet Phil’s leg, but then he drew back and nodded, swallowing and leaving the room to do God knows what.

Phil just sat up and worked on his soup. It was hot but he didn’t mind. He hadn’t really had the appetite for anything and it was good to finally feel something slide down his throat.

He managed to rummage through his suitcase and found something fresh to wear, a t-shirt he saved for the plane due to comfort reasons, slid over his shoulders and fell over his little spots. He put on the jacket that he packed just in case and laced up the shoes that he had discarded before falling into bed the first day. He looked ready enough for a doctor’s visit and he headed towards the front of the apartment.

Luckily this time he didn’t walk in on his friends doing anything criminal, but they were standing far too close to not mean something. Phil rolled his eyes when nobody could see him and he muttered a “ready” to which the two boys turned towards him.

They walked over to the front door, Anthony grabbing his keys and the three of them leaving the apartment as Anthony locked up. Both boys looked to be avoiding Phil at all costs, not even closing the four-foot gap that was between them as they walked. But Phil noticed that Dan was gravitating towards Anthony, their hands brushing together and Dan’s goofy smile revealing itself every time it happened. Phil would know because this is the shit that he used to do to Dan. He tried his hardest not to show how upset he was about this but clearly it wasn’t working because when the Anthony opened the back door of the car, he made some joke to Dan about how badly Phil needed to get to the doctor. He apparently looked “sour and sickly.”

Phil would have laughed.

But he didn’t.

The car ride was silent, Dan finally taking the aux chord and pumping some of his music into the car. Quietly, of course, not wanting to disturb Phil’s theoretical headache.

The doctor’s visit was surprisingly painless. Other than the trip in and out of the building, Phil was admitted immediately and seen rather quickly. The doctor took one look at the spots on his body, prescribing him medicine directly. He had heard such terrible things about US healthcare and he was happy that he didn’t have to deal with anything too terrible this time.

While he was waiting for the doctor to return with his medicine, he grimaced at the thought of Dan and Anthony waiting for him in the car. He could imagine them making out or something, talking about their exciting plans for the rest of the day while Phil slept in the guest room, away from the two lovebirds. Obviously, he wouldn’t want the festivities to halt on his accord. That would not be fair for him to suggest, not to mention, the more downtime Dan and Anthony had, the more they would probably suck face. He scowled at the thought and accidentally glared at the doctor who was re-entering.

“You’re all set, Mr. Lester. Have a safe flight back.” The doctor had told him he could fly in two days, after the medicine began to work and he was no longer contagious. He was happy about this. The shorter the visit was, the less he would have to endure of Dan and Anthony’s little affair.

-

Phil thought it couldn’t get worse. When they got back, Anthony made lunch for them both, Phil opting to eat in his bed and away from whatever was going on in the other two’s lives that day. They didn’t want to be near Phil and if Phil was being honest, he didn’t want to be near them either. Anthony brought him the sandwich and then closed the door, giving Phil a couple words of encouragement like “I hope you get better soon” and “we’ll miss you.”

Bullshit.

He ate his sandwich and took a nap. The meds he took were making him quite drowsy, but if he could pass the time while sleeping, then so be it. That was the best way to power through this horrible extended stay.

But holy shit was he regretting that nap.

He awoke to a loud thump and it startled him awake. He was groggy as hell but after working so hard to get to sleep in the first place, this thump was the end of a somewhat struggle sleep. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking to his phone for the time. It was late. Very late. Once again, he had missed dinner with his slumber and he was itching - both figuratively and metaphorically - for a snack.

Standing was getting easier each time and he figured that maybe it was the meds. Thank God for medical technology. At least he no longer had that horrible headache and he had stopped sweating a significant amount into the sheets.

This time he avoided the creak in the floorboard and because it was late, he tried to do his best to stay quiet. He basically tip-toed into the kitchen and silently took the can of soup off the counter that had a note written next to it in Dan’s handwriting. Phil.

Well, that was nice of him. At least his friend remembered what it was like to be sick and hungry when nobody is awake. That sucks. He got a little pan and poured the soup into it, turning on the stove and standing blankly for what he assumed was only half a minute.

That was until he heard another thump. What the hell? It sounded like it had come from inside the apartment. Phil only barely started worrying that perhaps he had broken something somehow, which would be his luck, when he heard an extremely uncharacteristic giggle coming from someone in the room down the hall. He froze.

Scared that he already knew the answer, he quietly walked over to the couch where Dan was supposed to be sleeping to see if his best friend was there. He nearly went faint when he saw nobody lying there. Now, standing closer to the hallway, he could hear voices behind what he assumed was Anthony’s room.

Well, this is just great.

He walked back over to the stove and didn’t even bother to let his soup come to a boil before pouring it into the bowl he found in one of the cabinets. He wasn’t trying to be quiet now either. He didn’t give a fuck if Dan and their friend could hear him. He just wanted to go hide under the covers where he couldn’t hear the monstrosity of the situation at hand.

Shuffling back to his room, he barely made it in before he actually cursed out loud.

“FUCK.”

Dan knew how hard it was to make him curse. If only he was here now. He placed down the soup that wasn’t ever gonna be warm enough and flopped on the bed.

“God damnit…” he whimpered, wishing he could just vanish.

But as things usually did for him, that’s when it got worse. Much much worse.

He heard Dan moan through the wall.

It could have been a heated Mario Kart race, it could have been a funny skit they were filming in the middle of the night, it could have been anything.

But he knew Dan’s moan when he heard it. He wasn’t deaf and Dan wasn’t exactly quiet when he got off at home. Their walls were thin and if that meant that Phil could hear everything, it wasn’t a crime for him to have listened once or twice.

But that solidified the image and now he was hearing more thumps and a few more obscene sounds that he desperately wished he couldn’t hear.

If only chicken pox made you go deaf. That would be a pleasant alternative.

It was then that his spots started itching. He supposed they had been itching all along, but suddenly he was falling apart. Inside and out.

Itch.

Moan.

Itch.

Moan.

Everything around him was attacking him, including his active imagination that was now picturing Dan being bent over and getting fucked by their mutual friend. One that Phil didn’t even want to look at anymore. But of course, he had this fucking illness and he was just letting the love of his life get laid while he lied in the other man’s bed.

What a fucking trip.

Itch.

Moan.

Itch.

Moan.

Itch.

Moan.

He didn’t see an end to his suffering and he started to contemplate just leaving altogether. Finding a hotel and just waiting out his symptoms there. Where he could at least wallow in silence.

The bed was creaking now, which only added to the comedic effect. If it wasn’t Dan, this would be funny. In fact, Dan and Phil had been in a situation like this situation before. They were staying at a friend’s place and that friend had brought someone home that night, leaving Dan and Phil to stay up in the living room laughing at the obvious sex that was happening behind their friend’s door.

But this was different. Dan wasn’t here to laugh with him. He was hearing Dan get boned and as much as he hated Anthony in this moment, if he was being honest, he just wanted to be unsick. If he hadn’t gotten this freakin virus in the first place, then none of this would have happened. He would have just hung out with his friends and had a good couple days in LA. He wouldn’t be sulking on a bed that wasn’t his. He might have even been able to convince Dan to sleep in the bed with him. It wouldn’t be the first time. And then maybe, just maybe, Dan would be sleeping with him right now. Not Anthony.

Phil thought about Anthony’s perfect lifestyle and his amazing features and this was a hole he wouldn’t emerge from for a couple hours. Anthony was clearly more assertive than Phil was and that was probably why this happened so fast. Now that Phil was thinking about it, this doesn’t seem super out of character for Dan anyway. Dan changed a lot this year and maybe this was something he should have seen coming.

It wasn’t all about Phil anymore. Not like it had been in 2009. Dan was finding new people to hang with and it didn’t even seem like it was making a difference that he wasn’t around these past few days. He had barely seen his friends since he found out he was sick. Granted, he was sleeping a bunch, but that didn’t mean people couldn’t come in and say hello…or something.

A loud extended moan that basically screamed “we’re alone in this house right now” pierced the walls and Phil knew the sound of Dan cumming when he heard it. He sighed because usually when he hears that, he gets turned on. This time, he is nothing but dejected.

-

“G’morning, Philly!” Dan knocked on the door, his freshly fucked face shining brighter than the LA sun. Phil blinked away the sleep and sat up slightly in his stupid bed nest. He didn’t even bother smiling. The tissues that littered the bed seemed to describe how he felt at the moment, overwhelmed and like garbage. He scratched at one of the bumps on his chest as he swallowed.

“Hey.”

“Anthony and I are going to the store. Need anything?”

Phil shook his head, looking away from the bright-eyed boy who was now rolling up his sweater sleeves.

“Alright. Well if I see any of those Haribo sweets, I’ll make sure I snag em for you,” Dan proposed sweetly, his smile too genuine for the noises Phil had heard the night before.

“Don’t bother,” Phil grumbled. Sure it was an act of kindness, but now that he knew Dan liked Anthony, his brain wouldn’t even try to spin it as an act of love. “Not hungry.”

“But you might be later! And plus, you told me you wanted to get some before the end of the trip,” Dan explained, Phil just nodded his head and looking down.

Dan might have been lovestruck, but he has never been a bad friend.

“Phil? Are you okay?” He had obviously noticed Phil’s somewhat reserved tone. Phil was usually pretty good at faking a smile or making small talk, even when he was sick. Dan knew this plenty well. “What’s wrong?”

Dan stepped closer, but not close enough for this conversation to be intimate. Phil understood it was because of his chicken pox, but his brain decided it was because Dan didn’t care enough.

Phil said nothing, not really knowing how to explain the feelings he was being plagued with right now. But Dan was smarter than that.

“Aw, Phil. You feel left out, don’t you?” Dan hit the nail on the head. Well, part of it. Phil didn’t even try to deny it. He sighed and looked at the wall behind Dan. “Oh God, I’m sorry, Phil. It probably sucks being in bed all day.”

Phil nodded.

“How about, if you’re up for it, we can watch a movie tonight? Altogether?” Dan suggested. Sure, if Phil wasn’t super jealous of what was going on behind closed doors, then this would have been sweet. But sitting in a room with two people he could hear having sex only 10 hours before this moment didn’t seem appetizing to him in the slightest. But not being there was worse and so he nodded to please his friend. “Good. I’ll go tell Anthony.”

Phil resisted the urge to mock Dan and he just smiled flatly as Dan stepped back a little.

“Well…get some rest then,” Dan smiled and left the room, shutting the door behind him. Phil took a tissue and tried to throw it at the door, but it just fell lazily at his feet and he flopped back down onto the bed and tried not to listen to the shuffling and laughter from the boys down the hall.

-

They let Phil chose the movie, probably because they felt bad, but Phil was isolated to the little side chair and Dan and Anthony sat far too close for the big couch they were on. Phil chose Big Hero 6 because he hadn’t seen it in so long, not to mention, Anthony had the UK version for some reason, which Dan and Phil had actually been in.

But he regretted his choice immediately, especially because Anthony and Dan talked right over their lines.

Phil barely waited for the credits to roll before he stood abruptly and removed himself from the room. He simply waved and bedded himself, taking his second-to-last pill. In the morning, he would take the last one and then he wouldn’t be contagious anymore. Thank God.

Maybe then they could forget this trip ever happened and Phil would do his best to block what he heard from his memories.

He did not plan, however, for Dan to come knocking on his door.

He did not plan for Dan to come in and sit on the end of his bed.

He did not plan for Dan to say “I need your advice.”

A part of Phil wanted to shoo the other boy away but the other part of him was honored that Dan still came to him. Nonetheless, he was not excited about what was about to come from Dan’s mouth.

“Shoot.” Phil was clearly conscious enough to watch the movie and give advice. Plus he was barely feeling anything but itchy. Itchy and envious.

“So uh…I kissed Anthony,” Dan admitted as if Phil hadn’t figured that out already. He failed to mention that he did far more than kiss Anthony the other night, so Phil didn’t say anything, letting the other boy continue. It seemed that he was gauging the reaction of his friend and Phil was jealous but not terrible. He was just going to pretend he heard nothing. “And I feel like we have a lot of chemistry.”

That’s because I’m not there to show you what real chemistry feels like.

Phil nodded along and tried to show a supportive face.

“I wanted to ask you because…” Dan kind of looked at the ground. “I feel like as my best friend, you should have a say in who I date.” He looked up and met Phil’s eyes that were fighting to stay dry. “Do you think I should go for it?”

Phil gulped. He could totally change this right now. He could totally change the course of his best friend’s relationship. Dan apparently cared a lot about his opinion and he could just tell him “no” and this whole thing would be over.

But Phil wasn’t that guy. He was a good friend and there was no way that he would let something like this sit on his conscience for years to come.

He sat up and looked into the desperate brown eyes and nodded.

“Anthony’s a nice guy. You think he feels the same way?” Phil heard himself say, kind of disappointed in his good morale.

Dan nodded and played with his sleeve.

“I mean, he kissed me back.”

“Well,” Phil said, making a gesture that said, “Then I see nothing wrong with it.”

Dan smiled and Phil would have melted if that smile was for him. But it wasn’t. Not really. That smile was for Anthony.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be so anxious.” Dan admitted. “Thanks, Phil.”

Phil nodded and he watched as Dan started to get up.

Then Phil said something that he would have NEVER expected to leave his mouth. He wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted him to stay longer or if he just wanted to stir the pot, but he cleared his throat and said;

“Especially because usually, when a person fucks you that hard, that means they like you.”

Dan’s head whipped around and his eyes were blown wide. It seemed he was going through a million emotions at once. He was most likely confused as to why Phil knew about that, probably flashing back and realizing how loud he was being, then his mind probably alarmed him that he had just lied to Phil and told him that he had just kissed the boy, and then because Phil was cursing at him and that usually meant that something was up.

Dan stood still for so long, Phil kind of assumed he was turning to stone.

“You didn’t need to hear that. Sorry, Phil,” he apologized, his face flushing a brilliant shade of red. “I’ll be quieter next time.”

Next time.

This literally couldn’t get worse. Phil was quickly losing his filter and it was clear his subconscious and cooped up brain was trying to push him past the point of no return.

“I didn’t. You’re right. Especially since I’m in love with you and everything,” Phil snarked, his tone not right for what just came out. Dan was standing there with his mouth agape, his frozen state only worsening.

Phil didn’t know what he was doing, but this must be what it was like to hit rock bottom.

“Phil- I think maybe those meds are making you loopy. You should try to get some r-”

“Rest? Get some rest while you go make googly eyes at Anthony? Sure, let me just tell my brain to stop insisting he’s better than me in every way. Then maybe I can get some rest,” Phil said in the most deadpan voice he’s ever pulled.

This was not about him. Hell, he had just given Dan his blessing. What the fuck was this all about? He cursed his brain for doing this. He was almost out of the woods. He would have been sad, but he could get over it. Now he had spilled his secret and was spitting a hurtful tone at his friend who was just trying to be nice.

“Phil, where is this coming from? I don't…I don’t know what you want me to do…” Dan kind of whispered, his face looking a little confused. To be fair, Phil wasn’t even sure what he wanted him to do. First, he was calling Dan out for lying and having sex audibly, but now he was confessing his love and who knows how Dan felt about that? “I’m sorry. I don’t feel…”

The same way.

Well fuck.

Phil just fell to the pillow and turned his head. Anything to break the eye contact that he had been holding with the other boy.

“We can talk about this…” Dan said, door creaking again. “…another day. Goodnight.”

And that’s when the door shut, Phil now in the lonesomeness that was this stupid bedroom. Dan was now probably off to go tell Anthony what had just happened, then have some romantic fuck without Phil’s knowledge. Great. Just great.

Phil was feeling better. Less itchy, no throbbing head and his temperature was mostly normal. But his insides were broken. His heart felt heavy and the tears fell again, only to leave him sobbing with no more clean tissues, into a sleep that felt like death.

-

Anthony woke him the next morning, much to Phil’s dismay, and he thought it might be a nightmare. Maybe everything was a nightmare and he hadn’t said all those terrible things to his best friend. But no, why else would Anthony be knocking on his door and bringing him a banana for breakfast. He didn’t even like bananas. That means that Dan wanted nothing to do with him. Not today. And he must have told Anthony to go deal with Phil.

“How are you feeling?” Anthony asked, throwing the banana on the bed from the doorway. Phil just shrugged and looked down. “Well, Dan says he’s going to book your flight for tonight. Since you’re no longer contagious. You think that’s doable?”

Phil nodded before giving the question much thought. Usually, when people said “your” in relation to Dan and Phil, it meant both of them. But now Phil wasn’t so sure. Was Dan going to send Phil back by himself? Was he going to spend a few more days alone here with Anthony? Phil didn’t like being here with them both but he certainly didn’t like the idea of leaving them on their own.

“Cool, I’ll let him know. Good to see you’re doing better.” Anthony flashed him a smile and then made haste to remove himself from the room.

Phil sighed and stared at the banana.

Dan knew he hated bananas.

-

Phil had packed his things and Anthony so kindly lent him his shower. He changed into some clean clothes and tried to look healthy. He was still feeling pretty shit and once he found out that Dan was, in fact, staying a couple extra days, he didn’t really care about his appearance. The three had a quiet lunch where Phil ate something substantial for the first time in days, his stomach happy about that decision, and then he was waiting for the Über to come take him to the airport.

Of course, it was raining.

Dan looked to be avoiding his gaze and Phil couldn’t blame him. Maybe being on a plane with the person that just told you they love you isn’t exactly easy. So Phil couldn’t blame either of them.

When his Über arrived, he said his goodbyes, but neither of them would hug him. They knew he wasn’t contagious now, but they still didn’t want to risk it. Phil waved at Dan and tried to make some form of eye contact to replace the hug, but Dan wouldn’t even look up. Phil nodded and shuffled down to the car.

This felt very very wrong.

He reached the airport and went through the process of getting on the plane by himself. It was boring to sit in the airport alone. He made it on time and got on the plane, barely noticing when the plane took off. Plane rides were ten times more fun when his best friend wasn’t in LA with some guy doing God knows what.

He reached their flat in the morning, the time difference fucking with him, collapsing immediately onto his own bed and falling asleep. He only awoke later that night to an empty flat and a stupid headache.

Getting up from his bed was a struggle, but he figured he might as well. He needed to eat and drink some water. He was 90% sure that his headache was because of his lack of water intake. He went ahead and made coffee, sipping at it black because they were out of milk, then fisting a handful of cereal into his mouth.

He reflected on the last couple of days and grimaced when he replayed the last conversation he had with Dan. He really fudged it. He made things super awkward. He made things worse. He didn’t even know why he had done it. He supposed that he had just snapped. Eight years was enough. The information was bound to slip out sometime.

Just when he was truly starting to hate himself, he heard a key fit into the front door’s lock. His eyes went wide and he flipped through all the people who had a key to their flat. His brother, Louise, PJ…nobody was supposed to come over while they were gone.

If this was an intruder, that would just be the icing on the cake to a terrible couple days. Maybe, if he’s lucky, he could give the person chicken pox. That would show them not to break into people’s homes.

But when the door opened to reveal a rather disheveled Dan Howell, Phil took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, returning the frames to his face.

Phil thought the flat was silent before. But now that there were two people in the flat, it felt even quieter. Dan said nothing and he just closed the door softly behind him, dropping his suitcase and giving Phil a half smile.

Phil didn’t even care that he was staring. He used his eyes to demand an explanation from his friend.

Dan mumbled something that Phil didn’t quite catch, the other boy’s eyes darting towards to the ground.

“Hm?” Phil stepped a little closer, grabbing one of Dan’s bags. Offering his help was the only thing that could make this moment any less awkward.

“It’s not gonna work,” Dan repeated, his head hanging. “Anthony doesn’t wanna do long distance.”

Phil stood there in shock, holding Dan’s suitcase in his hand and cocking his head. He needed to make up for the fact that he was so rude before, so his face fell and he frowned.

“But you were going to stay a couple days. That’s not long distance,” Phil argued. Dan just stared at him. Almost like he was having a hard time interpreting Phil’s kindness. Sure, Phil confessed his love, but that wasn’t going to stop him from being a supportive friend.

“It’s not worth it. I like him, but if he’s not willing to do it, then I didn’t want to get my hopes up,” Dan said sadly, pushing past Phil and heading for his own bedroom. Phil followed him with the suitcase.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil said, stopping outside his door. He didn’t wanna break any boundaries, so he set the suitcase inside and stared at Dan who flopped down on his own bedspread.

“No, you’re not.”

Phil froze.

“Of course I am…” Phil reassured. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You know why, Phil.”

Phil was silent for longer than he should have allowed himself to be but he did respond after a moment.

“I care about your happiness, Dan,” Phil said, sad that Dan would think otherwise about their friendship. “I really am sorry that it didn’t work out.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

There was a moment of silence.

“You can come in.”

Phil hesitated, but he nodded and entered the room, hovering over by the bed where Dan was staring at the ceiling.

“Gonna be honest, I liked you for a long time, Phil,” Dan said out of nowhere. Phil softly sat at the end of the bed. If Dan was planning to continue the conversation they were having the night before, he needed to be sitting. “But I forced myself to stop when I thought you didn’t like me back.”

Phil opened his mouth to speak, but Dan cut him off.

“You were good at hiding it I guess. I tried to do things to show you I liked you. But I guess we aren’t as psychic as we thought…” Dan chuckled a little.

“And now?” Phil asked, his voice trembling.

“And now…I can’t even picture us kissing,” Dan turned his head to look up at Phil. Phil’s eyebrows went up. How can good news turn sour so quickly? Dan stared at him for a while, his eyes flicking down to Phil’s pursed lips. “Nope. Still, can’t picture it.”

Phil turned away and looked at the wall, drumming his fingers on his thigh.

“But I also can’t picture a life without you…” Dan said. Phil’s head whipped around and he nearly forgot that he had been sick in bed for the past few days. His eyes were blown wide and Dan was staring up at him with a slight blush.

Phil didn’t want to get his hopes up and his brain forced him to remember that he was pretty much ignored for the past couple days. Dan seemed perfectly fine without him. Better than usual in fact.

“You’re not thinking clearly. I’m sure you can,” Phil stumbled out, trying his best to think level headedly. “If Anthony lived in London I’m sure it would have worked ou-”

“But Anthony isn’t you. And when it came time to take things further, I can’t leave you for him. He would have to come live here with us and what if he asks me to marry him? Then I’m an engaged man not wanting to move away from his best friend. I refuse to believe that’s not because I-” Dan was getting animated, his body sitting up and their faces now leveling. “Because I love you.”

Phil’s eyes didn’t have time to even blink before Dan was leaning in and planting the most unexpected kiss in Phil’s entire 30-year-old lifespan.

Dan’s kiss was deep and his tongue took the plunge that Phil had always wanted, but immediately he remembered just how sick he was. Sure, the virus was no longer contagious to people on a plane or in his general vicinity, but surely sticking someone’s tongue in your mouth was the fastest way to spread the virus and Dan was certainly asking for it.

Phil came to his senses and placed his hands on Dan’s shoulders, prying the younger boy off of him and gulping. That was certainly one of the hardest things he’d ever done, after all, he had waited so long for this moment. It hurt him even more to see Dan’s unsure face, his eyes nearly at the point of tears, this being the second rejection he’s gone through today.

Phil made haste with an explanation, not wanting to leave Dan in the dark. Especially about this.

“It’s not that I don’t want…” Phil stumbled, the taste of Dan’s lips tripping him up. “Because I do, it’s just…” Phil swallowed. “The chicken pox. I don’t want you to-”

Dan’s lips crashed into his again, the sentence not seeming to register. And if it did, Dan clearly didn’t care. Dan was on him so fast and Phil’s mind was reeling. For more reasons than one. As Dan gently laid him back against the bed and put his weight on top of Phil, pretty much clawing at Phil’s shirt, Phil thought about the words Dan had just said. He loved him. And if Phil didn’t believe him then, he surely did now. Even with the near impossibility of not getting chicken pox after this kiss, he had done it anyway. Not that Phil was arguing, but he was certainly shocked. Dan was kissing him fervently now and Phil was trying to forget how monumental this move was while he enjoyed the feeling of Dan’s body on him.

Their kiss slowed and Phil looked up into the brown eyes he had seen so many times before, somehow seeing something different this time. Something he had always thought he’d see in small doses. This was the look Dan would give him in 2009. This was the look that meant Dan loved him. Phil knew now and he hated himself for never going for it when he could have had this all along.

“Dan…” Phil whispered as he gently placed a kiss on Dan’s neck. “Please. Let me show you how much I love you.”

Dan nearly mewled at what Phil said, his eyes glazing over and his mouth dropping open. His lips were still wet with Phil’s kiss and Phil never wanted to see him in any other state that wasn’t freshly kissed. Dan nodded and rolled off of Phil’s body, landing beside him and waiting for Phil to make the next move.

Phil resumed the position that Dan was just occupying, climbing on top of Dan and kissing his neck until Dan made a little noise of approval. Phil tugged on the bottom of Dan’s shirt, sliding his hands up with the fabric and then pulling it off, only disconnecting his lips from Dan’s jugular for a second before he kept kissing down onto Dan’s chest. He nibbled a little on the skin near his clavicle, guessing that Dan would be into it, and then he stopped when his eyes met something that made him smile. He lifted his head and Dan felt the way Phil’s chest was racking with laughter.

“What?” Dan asked, looking a little irritated that something so funny was interrupting their moment. That’s when Phil slid his left hand up Dan’s rib cage to point at the little red dot that was sitting right on Dan’s neck. Phil looked down at the other boy’s chest and covered his mouth to hide his teeth as he laughed harder. “What!?”

Dan sat up on his elbows and looked down at his bare stomach, noticing the little marks that plagued his body. His chest looked a lot like Phil’s had the night before.

“You already had it,” Phil laughed, kissing a few of the marks before returning to Dan’s mouth with a smirk. “You got it anyway.”

“God Damnit, Phil. You gave me your illness you, Rat!” Dan groaned, his hands reaching to cover his face. “I can’t believe this. I was doing such a good job avoiding you too!”

Dan joked and Phil just kissed him in-between his sentences.

“Nuh uh, the doctor says it takes a minimum of ten days for it to show symptoms after you get it. So you probably got it from the same place I did, Danny,” Phil teased. Dan laughed because at this point, he was expecting it anyway. But then his face went pale and Phil looked at him worriedly.

“What?” Phil asked, hoping he hadn’t said anything or done something that would make Dan regret their current position.

“Anthony…”

Phil had never removed himself from another human being so fast. He backed up and sat on his heels, very confused as to why their US friend’s name was even mentioned in an intimate situation like this.

Dan sighed and pulled Phil back down on top of him.

“Stop it, you spoon. I just realized that if I already had chicken pox…” Dan made a face and Phil immediately understood. He shouldn’t of, but he laughed. “Hey! Come on…I feel bad now…”

“That’s called Karma…” Phil snarked, kissing at Dan’s chest again and making him gasp.

“I have never seen you so…” Dan fished for a word.

“Jealous?” Phil offered. “Resentful?” He kissed down Dan’s body, taking a moment to lick into Dan’s belly button. “Cynical?” He hooked his fingers into Dan’s pants and briefs, tugging lightly. “Petty perhaps?”

Dan shuddered as Phil didn’t even skip a beat before yanking down the items of clothing. Phil had never seen Dan completely naked before and this was surely a treat. He licked his lips and was quick to grasp Dan’s dick completely, dropping his nose down and taking the whole thing at once.

“Poss-possessive!” Dan moaned, completing his own sentence and ignoring all of the things Phil had just said. “But…I kinda like it. It’s kinda…h-hot.”

Just then Phil choked on Dan’s twitching cock. It was growing gradually and he could feel Dan shudder beneath him as he hollowed out his cheeks around it.

Phil liked when Dan said those things to him. He needed it, especially after the couple days he’d had. He made sure to praise the younger boy for the words with his tongue.

Dan moaned obscenely and Phil’s stomach tightened. Dan was moaning because of him. Because of something Phil Lester was doing to him. He could feel his own member grow in anticipation and he decided the long and drawn out teasing sessions could wait. He wanted to be inside Dan as fast as possible. That is if Dan would have him.

“Can I…” Phil asked after popping off of Dan’s now swollen cock. “Can I fuck you, Dan?”

Dan’s eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head when Phil asked. It seemed he wanted it just as much, if not more than Phil did. Phil smiled lovingly at Dan and slightly nudged Dan’s side in an effort to flip him over onto his stomach.

He took in the sight of the younger boy, ignoring the tiny little red splotches that covered his back and bum. He laughed to himself and then leaned down to kiss what looked like the softest and most kissable toosh.

“Lube is in the…drawer,” Dan muttered into the pillow his face was currently shoved in. Phil lightly bit at the spot he was kissing and then smiled as he licked at the little mark he had made. Dan moaned in delight when the older boy reached over for the drawer’s handle, pulling out the bottle from the drawer and placing it beside them. Phil reached down and pulled off his shirt, then unbuttoned his pants. He didn’t want the constraints of his jeans to hinder his erection while he stretched the compliant boy before him.

Phil popped the cap and coated his fingers with a fair amount, probably too much, of lube. He really didn’t want to hurt Dan and it would only get worse when the boy started actually feeling the symptoms of their little virus.

Delicately placing a finger against Dan’s entrance, he watched as Dan arched his back and pushed his bum up towards Phil and his bare chest. He wanted Dan so badly and he hoped that Dan wanted him too.

He plunged his finger into Dan’s ready hole, the walls feeling thick and warm, as he watched Dan’s mouth drop open. He started the thrusting process and with his other hand, he rubbed circles on Dan’s lower back.

It didn’t take long before Dan was mewling and begging for Phil’s cock. Dan was moaning louder than he had been the other night and it was clear that Phil’s fingers were doing a better job than Anthony’s.

“Phil, please…I need you. Please, I’m-” Dan gasped when Phil angled his fingers up and towards that special bundle of nerves that caused the younger boy’s thighs to shake and his hole to clench. Phil reached for the lube with his other hand as he asked Dan what he wanted again, this time with his finger right on Dan’s prostate. “I…Phil…p-please. F-f-fuck meee.”

Phil loved the way Dan begged him, this kind of behavior was a major turn on and it seemed that Dan had an abundance of it. He was loud in everyday life and in their videos so Phil should have expected this. But of course, it was much better than he could have ever imagined anyway.

Phil coated his cock with the lube and moaned deeply as he ran a hand over his aching member. He was so wrapped up in what Dan looked like that he had totally forgotten that his own cock was begging him for something more. He pulled out his slicked up fingers, with a verbal protest from Dan, and then he began to kiss at the hole he was just fingering. Dan just moaned when Phil licked inside, feeling the warm walls with his own tongue. He wanted to linger there for a while and make Dan lose it, but he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to be inside the whining boy.

He got up onto his knees and used his hands to angle Dan’s bum in the perfect direction. He lined him up perfectly before he pressed his tip teasingly against Dan’s throbbing hole.

“Do you want this cock, Dan?” He asked, receiving a very desperate knob. “Tell me you want this cock.”

“I w-want your cock, Phil…” he moaned, panting as he clawed at the bed sheets. “I want it so bad.”

“Good,” Phil bit his lip and began to push in just the tip. All the while, he was thinking about how strangely dominate he had become. He thought that maybe it was because he was trying to show Dan that Phil wanted him more than Anthony. Or maybe he was trying to prove how much he loved the younger boy by fucking him better. Perhaps he was trying to prove something to Dan, showing him a side that Phil had never revealed before.

Before he knew it, his cock was completely sheathed inside of his best friend’s ass. Dan’s eyes were teary and he was begging Phil with inaudible words. Somehow Phil understood though, getting the idea that Dan wanted him to start moving.

And that he did. He leaned over the boy in front of him and started to hump him like he’d never don’t before. He wrapped his arm around to Dan’s dangling cock and grabbed it, pumping and adding to the stimulus. He wanted Dan to feel him everywhere. Even once they were done.

“Oh Dan…you are so beautiful like this,” Phil praised, hoping that it would make Dan blush. Sure enough, Dan’s face went red from the exhaustion and the compliment, to which Phil just kissed his shoulder blade where he could see a little red dot. “I love you so much. Always have.”

Dan seemed to like those words and he let out a nearly intoxicating noise as Phil started thrusting deeper and faster. Now Phil was panting into Dan’s ear and he took note of maybe going on a few more runs. If Dan and Phil were going to start fucking like rabbits, he would need to build up his stamina.

Only a few minutes went by and Phil was getting close, his cock was twitching inside of Dan, his heart pounding in his chest. The beautiful boy beneath him was now releasing sounds that Phil had never heard before. Not through the walls of their flat or from Anthony’s bedroom. Dan was nearly gargling and there was drool pooling on the pillowcase. He was in absolute bliss. He looked so fucked out and Phil was terribly surprised he hadn’t come yet.

“Gonna-” Dan couldn’t even finish his declaration before Dan was coming all over Phil’s hand and his hole was clenching as his thighs spasmed. Phil lost control in that moment and came inside Dan immediately, his moan reaching Dan’s level of volume.

That’s when Dan fell to the bed and Phil’s cock slid out of him. The boy was completely in a trans which gave Phil a moment to breathe himself. He was recovering from fucking chicken pox. The fatigue was expected.

Phil then decided that his fatigue was nothing compared to the state that Dan looked to be in. He was dripping come from between his cheeks and his bed was now completely covered in jizz. Phil smiled as he looked down at the boy he had spent so little time with this week and asked the Universe what he had done to deserve this. To deserve Dan Howell.

He got up and ran to the bathroom to fetch a moist towel, then delicately cleaning off the various fluids on Dan’s body. He started on his neck, cleaning off the possible marks that Phil had kissed and licked. Then he moved down to clean between the boy’s bum cheeks. Dan hummed in approval and Phil flipped him over to clean his other side. Finally, Phil wiped off his cock and he threw the towel onto the floor. He could deal with that later. For now, Dan needed rest. Surely he would need it for what was about to hit him.

Phil knew from experience.

He stood and picked up the tired boy, surprised by his own strength, carrying him to Phil’s unmade bed. He placed him gently on the sheets and then stretched the duvet over Dan who was looking up at him with a sparkle in his eye that Phil felt blessed to be the object of. Phil moved quickly, grabbing two pairs of his own underwear and then dressing himself and Dan so that they weren’t both completely nude between the sheets when Phil climbed in alongside Dan.

Much like a child might, Dan immediately wrapped himself around Phil and Phil nearly melted when Dan’s warm figure coiled itself around Phil’s bare chest and legs. Dan looked so frail and soft and Phil still couldn’t believe that he had just had sex with the love of his life.

“Phil?” Dan muttered into Phil’s chest. Phil kissed the top of Dan’s sweaty forehead.

“Hm?”

“Im sorry,” Dan said softly, his eyes closed and his mouth moving against Phil’s slight patch of chest hair.

“No, I’m sorry, Dan. I was a really shitty friend. I shouldn’t have said the things I did,” Phil frowned, hoping Dan wouldn’t judge his character for it. “You had every right to have other relationships and I shouldn’t have gotten so jealous.”

Dan smirked and then looked up, a blush covering his face.

“No no…I’m not sorry about sleeping with-” he cut himself off, seeing Phil’s face change from sentimental to cross, abandoning his sentence and picking up a new one. “I meant, I’m sorry in advance for how much you’re going to have to do for me in the next couple days.”

Phil blinked and tried not to think about what Dan had just said about Anthony.

“I’m a bitch when I’m sick and since you’ve already had chicken pox, you can’t get it again. You’re the only one that can help make me soup and shit,” Dan whined, blinking endearingly up at Phil. Phil assumed it was because he knew what he said before hadn’t helped his case. When Phil just stared down at him, Dan rolled his eyes. “And I’m sorry for sleeping with Anthony. There, better?”

Phil smiled and pulled the younger boy closer.

“Much,” he answered. “Thank you.”

“But it’s not like this ever would have happened if I hadn’t…”

“Watch it…” Phil warned, biting his lip and narrowing his eyes. “We aren’t going to talk about it.”

“Just like we aren’t going to talk about how you liked me for EIGHT years and said nothing?” Dan joked, his voice quiet but still quite chipper. “Nothing at all!”

“I was scared!”

“Of what?” Dan laughed. “You know, when you told me you were in love with me, I left the room and stood there nearly cackling. I fucking knew it.”

Phil pushed the younger boy away from him for a moment to look at him. Dan’s eyes were crinkled on the side and his mouth was turned up in a smirk.

“I waited for so long, Phil! If you asked me, I would have said yes in a heartbeat,” he continued, his head shaking. “It’s funny how it took a boy from LA to make you speak up.”

Phil sighed and pulled Dan closer to his chest. He didn’t want to think about all the wasted time. Not right now. Not while they were both still living in a post-orgasm bubble.

“You know, you coulda made yourself more clear ya know…” Phil said, sighing and kissing Dan softly, over and over. As if he couldn’t express one kiss enough.

“I bought you flowers, Phil. Your favorite flowers. How did you miss that?” Dan argued, his voice raising but also breaking and he lowered it back down to a whisper.

“You sent them to your parents too! It wasn’t just me,” Phil claimed, his heart racing. He was sure that Dan could feel it from where his head was resting.

Dan laughed.

“No, Phil. God you’re so stupid…” Dan sighed. “I sent them to my parents after you said nothing for three days. That way it wasn’t awkward. I knew they would call and thank me so I had you answer it. It was all because you didn’t pick up on it in the first place!”

It was Phil’s turn to laugh and he sighed.

“Clearly we need to work on our mind reading skills.”

“Yeah. Maybe that’s why we suck at the bomb game.”

“Most likely.”

“Phil?” Dan said softly.

Phil kissed his forehead like it was some sort of drug to do so. “Hm?”

“I really do love you. You believe me, right?”

Phil thought for a moment. Did he believe his best friend? The one he had been pining and trying to romance for eight years? The one that has stuck by him for years and years, even though he’s a little strange? The one that he had fallen for the moment he met? The one that was lying in his arms and breathing slowly into his chest.

“Of course, Dan,” he answered. “And I love you too.”

“Good.” Dan said it like it was an obligation and not a choice. But wasn’t it? Wasn’t loving Dan obligatory? It was impossible not to love the boy, even when he was part of the reason they hadn’t been together all this time. “Because you’re gonna have to love me tomorrow when I need help distracting myself from the itch.”

“Ah, like you helped me?” Phil sassed, a his playful tone signaling that he didn’t really care. However, teasing Dan was kind of fun and he wasn’t going to let this go.

“Shut up! I said I was sorry!”

“Not for that.”

“Fine…” Dan kissed Phil’s chest softly. “I’m sorry.” His words sounded genuine and he planted another kiss on Phil’s chest. “Anything else?”

“Uhhhh…..” Phil pretended to think about it and Dan just kind of shoved him, letting out another sigh.

“Can we sleep now? I’m tired and I can feel a headache coming already…” Dan mumbled.

“Sure thing,” Phil agreed, his body already reacting with a yawn.

“Oh and Phil?”

“Hm?”

“This is forever, yeah?”

Phil blinked. Was Dan asking what he thought he was asking? So casually as well.

He didn’t want to hesitate so he just tightened his grasp on the sleepy boy and smiled.

“Yes, Love. This is forever.”

-

“Phiiiiiiiil!” Dan called from Phil’s bedroom, the sound of two oven mitts clapping together made Phil roll his eyes from the kitchen. “Where’s my soup? I’m hungry!”

“Three more minutes!” Phil replied, currently watching the soup on the stove.

“Three minuteees?” Dan whined, a surprisingly childish wail coming from his throat. “Can’t you make it any faster?”

Phil put down his stirring spoon and appeared in the doorway, smiling at the boy who was trying to scratch at his spots with the mitts.

“Hey, hey, hey…” Phil walked over and grabbed Dan’s hands. “No scratching.”

“How the hell did you do this? They itch so bad!” Dan complained, pulling Phil down on the bed with him. Phil shook his head and kissed at a couple of the little marks. It may not solve much, but it was better than the scratching.

“I was a bit distracted having a minor crisis,” Phil said, smiling fondly down at Dan’s puppy dog eyes. Dan just looked at his lap and sighed.

“I want one of those…”

“Trust me, you don’t,” Phil answered, getting up and going to the kitchen. “One minute!”

He collected the bowl of soup and brought it back to the bed where he pressed resume on their anime of the week. Dan decided that he would lie in bed all day with Phil while they watched anime and slurped soup. Phil sat behind Dan with the younger boy between his legs, pretending to be the arms for the both of them. He let Dan hold the bowl with his oven mitts and then he spoon fed the whiny boy until there was nothing left.

Yeah, Dan had chicken pox and maybe he was a spoiled brat when he was sick, but at least he was Phil’s spoiled brat.

He would never have said it before, but Phil was grateful for his terrible luck and those little red spots that-

“Dan! Stop scratching!”

“But Phiiiiiiiil…”

#phanfic #phanfiction #dan and phil #fluff #hurt/comfort #angst #smut #phan #chicken pox #happy ending #fic request #fanfiction #merrydith #worksofphiction #for anonymous

[worksofphiction]

“If I prefer to just wear underwear and a hoodie it’s my choice and you should respect it.”

Happy Fourth of July from our sweaty boys!

#dan and phil #fourth of july #phan #sweater #dan howell #phil lester #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #phanart #fanart #worksofphiction #merrydith