#shes been through enough shit

[th3archives]

Isnt it weird when something happens that really kinda shows you how far you and your old best friend have kinda like.....changed?

The other day i sent my old best friend a text. You know a "thank you for being my friend it's meant so much to me" text.

Now back when we were really close if you got a text like that then it usually sent the other into a panic. Spamming all forms of contact. That kinda thing.

Anyway i woke up and had a message from her basically saying " this made me smile its meant so much to me too blah blah blah "

And all i could think was how fucking PROUD i am of her. Shes come so far and healed so much in like the last year since we havent been as close. Like this is the girl who used to have a fucking BAD ed and who i had to talk down quite a few times. And now she seems so much better and happier. And i know its not perfect but shes SO much bloody better!!

I miss her but at the same time if it took us not being as close in return for her being happy?

Id choose it every fucking time.

#kinda a vent ig #but im SO proud #shes got like plans for what she wants to do now. #she deserves this #shes been through enough shit #we still sit by each other in some lessons #and cuz weve been so close and know each others like dark unpleasant embarrassing shit #we just kinda update each other on everything #and im so bloody proud of her!! #and so happy for her #she really fucking deserves this

[essektheylyss]

You know what's hilarious, if Ludinus was indeed a young man being traumatized by the end of the Calamity. Deirta Thelyss is almost certainly older than he is.

This is not relevant but I think Essek should bring this up, just to be a bitch about it.

#for the purposes of showing my work: a beacon was found by leylas kryn 1200 years ago. #she was considered enough of a cultural leader or influence to convince people to follow her ergo likely an adult of some standing. #the other umavi of the ruling dens (aka deirta and abrianna) are suggested to have been around at the time as well #ludinus would be at most 1000 years old. they're all like. at LEAST 1400 mentally if not physically. #and that's the LOW estimate #as always how long was the calamity. are the umavi actually pre-calamity. that would be SO funny to me. #(pre-calamity and pre-divergence are different for the record.) #ludinus da'leth ain't SHIT #leylas kryn escaped lolth lived through the calamity and has gone through seven rebirths. ludinus WISHES #if ANYONE deserves to have beef with lolth it's leylas kryn for the record. I mean she does. canonically. BUT HERS IS MOST VALID #anyway as always the dynasty best country <3 #if there are 99 ludinus haters I'm one of them if there's one it's me if there are none I've left this earth etc etc #he's just SO fun to hate and I do not respect him in the slightest nor do I think he deserves respect or validation. #I think he should get fucking sucked into a dark star and never be heard from again xoxo :3 #cr spoilers #essek thelyss

[eddiezpaghetti]

It has come to my attention that SOME OF YOU who read my last Byler post remain UNCONVINCED. So I'm gonna tack onto it this:

I'm older than fucking God and air, and I've been out and proud since 2007. Yes, I know what homophobia is, and yes, I know what queerbaiting is. I know about Supernatural and Teen Wolf and Sherlock and blahdyblahdyblah. No new ground is being covered here. I thought I made that clear in the original post, but, clearly, I did not.

I am aware of queerbaiting and homophobia, and I'm still wholeheartedly certain in Byler being canon anyway.

Okay, so there are three types of relationship I want to discuss when it comes to queerbaiting. They're all, like, "queer relationships that could have happened, but didn't".

First off, queer-coding. This isn't really a thing so much anymore, but it still crops up every once in a while. I'd argue it probably happens most with male-male relationships in family shows these days. First example that comes to mind is Mr. Smiley and Mr. Frowny from Steven Universe. You can't make a relationship canon because some shitty overhead bastard overhead said no, so you get as close as you can without compromising the show. Can't make someone gay? Well, now their comedy routine is a blatant allegory for a romantic relationship. Boom-shaka-laka. This is something I don't see being a problem with regards to Stranger Things, but I want it to be there as contrast, a demonstration of one of many things queerbaiting is not. However, one could argue that, thus far, Will Byers is, canonically, queer-coded. It's pretty fucking heavily implied in the show, and the creators have confirmed it, and you're gonna be able to see it if you're not FUCKING BLIND, but word of god is not technically canon which means that interviews don't technically make something canon, blahdyblahdyblahdyblah, technicalities, Robin has been explicitly stated in the text to be queer while Will has, thus far, not, outside of good ol' Show-Don't-Tell. Of course, anyone with two brain cells to rub together can tell that that's going to change by the end of Season 5, but, hey, for what it's worth, I'm throwing this out there.

Alrighty, Thingamajingama Number Two: "Oops, I accidentally made the greatest love story known to man." AKA, a genuine, honest-to-goodness mistake. Unfortunately, we do live in a heteronormative society. Sometimes people who don't think about being gay much write a friendship that's incredibly compelling and don't even consider the possibility that it could have been read as romantic. Something something Top Gun something. This is, again, not queerbaiting. This is Steddie, this is Ronance, this is Elmax, this is your favorite flavor of non-canon ship this week, this is not Byler. The creators know DAMN well what they're doing. They've talked about it. We know this. Nothing new here.

Which brings us to the topic of discussion here. Actual queerbaiting. This usually starts out as an "accidental greatest love story", and then reacts to fan response. And when I say "reacts", I mean like a goddamn chemical reaction. Like bleach and ammonia, bitch. It's noxious and it's gonna kick your fucking ass without mercy. This is when a creator is like, "Hey, let's get our queer audience invested, but we're not actually going to give them what they want because our straight audience isn't here for that/we personally think it's gross/we don't give enough of a shit to want to research a goddamn thing to write a real gay character," blah blah blah whatever excuse they want to come up with this time.

And when you think "queerbaiting", I want you to think "bullying". Because that's what it is. It's lucrative bullying, like beating us up and taking our lunch money, but it's bullying all the same. And it's a real goddamn thing, even if people misuse the word a lot, often when they mean one of the two above, sometimes when they mean "bury your gays", which is another homophobic thing entirely that I'm not going to get into here. Queerbaiting is the thing we're focused on, and it's real, and it's bullying. And here's the reason I want you to think of it as bullying:

They

Think

It's

Funny.

They are actively making fun of us.

That's why Dean had the "Cas, get out of my ass," line in Supernatural. It's why the "Do you like boys?" line happened in Teen Wolf. It's why "Lie with me, Watson," happened in the RDJ Sherlock Holmes movies. Because "It's just a joke, mate." "It was just a prank, bro." "You didn't really think it would happen, did you?" "You should see your face."

So here's probably the biggest reason I don't think it's specifically queerbaiting in this specific instance of Will Byers and Mike Wheeler.

Stranger Things has never, not once, made a gay joke. Ever.

Every single time queerness comes up, it's dead serious.

Lonnie calls Will a fag, and the show is not at all reluctant to show what a goddamn horrible person he is. And when Hopper latches onto that, it's not as "Hahah, is he gay, though?" It's because he's trying to determine a potential motive for Will's disappearance, and even if someone had interpreted it as a joke, Joyce immediately has a line that functions as snapping her fingers in front of the audience's face and yelling "FOCUS" when she says "He's MISSING." Basically outright saying "This isn't funny!"

Troy calls him a fairy, along with targeting Lucas and Dustin for their skin color and disability respectively, and Mike gets damn near murderous. Troy is portrayed as a goddamn monster and the show portrays it as justice when El makes him piss his pants and later breaks his arm.

Steve calls Jonathan "queer" as a slur and gets the shit beat out of him for it.

Billy's father is revealed to be homophobic and abusive in the same breath.

Mike says "It's not my fault you don't like girls!" and we're shown how devastated Will is and Mike immediately follows him to beg for forgiveness.

There is a joke in Robin's coming-out scene, but it's not at Robin's expense. It's at Steve's. Specifically for being heteronormative.

Jonathan has multiple scenes where he's trying so hard to tell Will that he's always going to love him as he is, whether he's gay or not, without pressuring him to come out before he's ready.

Even when there's a little bit of ribbing at Robin's expense, it's always because she's an awkward nerd who's nervous around pretty girls, just the same as Lucas and Dustin are teased when they both first develop crushes on Max, and even then, even then, it always comes as a package deal where they make fun of Steve's girl problems at the same time.

Stranger Things is an emphatically pro-gay show. It may not be the core point of the show the way it is in, say, Our Flag Means Death, but there is nothing less than respect for its queer characters. Its queer characters are always taken completely seriously. No one is making fun of us. They never have. That's why I have serious doubts that this is queerbaiting. It would come completely out of left field for the bullying to start in Stranger Things' final season.

So it's not at all likely to be queerbaiting because queerness is taken completely seriously. The creators have talked about Will's queerness, at least, so it's not an accident. And queer-coding would be silly to expect from this show when it's already on its final season. Like, what is Netflix gonna do? Cancel it? Not to mention all the explicit queerness that's in there already. And no one's gonna "What about the children?" a show that's had sex scenes in it since the first season.

There's no fakeout here. It's gonna happen. Breathe.

#byler #Part 2 I fucking guess. #Wasn't planning on making a Part 2 but here we are. #I seriously just want you guys to feel safe. #I'm not naive. I do not say any of this shit lightly. #But I've been around the block long enough to know what queerbaiting looks like and this ain't it. Promise. #Will's already been confirmed as in love with Mike for fuck's sake. You don't think the other half of the equation's gonna follow through? #There has only ever been one other situation where I've gone 'Okay this is going in gay places' with no doubt whatsoever without being told #And that was with Daja in Tamora Pierce's 'Will of the Empress' when I read it at like sixteen or whatever #and she wound up having whole-ass fuckin' gay sex. #I was right then and I'm right now. I swear.

[rapidhighway]

#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months #like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have #felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses #and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again #realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now #i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me #so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever #im just fucking tired bro……. #she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT #bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most #ruining hours of my life thank you so much. #instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH #god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn #vent

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Was thinking about your au and realized that whichever neighbour wakes up last is in for a very awkward reunion

Imagine waking up to your entire neighbourhood being in an apocalyptic scenario, and you’re the last to find out about it-

technically the last neighbor is Sally BUT Julie is the last "normal-sleeping" neighbor to wake and yeah! she sure has a hell of a time! i mean tbh it's kinda her And Barnaby? they wake up within a week of each other (the neighbors wake via Pacific Rim kaiju rules) so their breakdowns overlap <3

#julie wakes up just in time for the situation to Start Deteriorating At A Rapid Pace #like 'welcome back julie! frank is very close to dying the neighborhood is quite literally beginning to crumble' #'tensions are very high and everyone is starting to lose it <3 also your memories and siblings and life and world was a lie <3 good luck!' #she and barnaby have it the worst smh #well. kinda the worst #cause sally wakes up to an (arguably) Even Worse Scenario and also tons of guilt etc etc #sally: oh so its my fault my friends are injured and/or dying/dead. cool. im going to cope with this so gracefully (lie) #(side note: the death(s) are Not her fault. they were going to happen no matter what) #(well. i say no matter what. they'd have been prevented if the lights had been turned back on but we all know that wasnt really an option) #rambles from the bog #wh lights out au #and julie does not really get time to adjust... #shit is already going down #but only a week or so after she wakes up Shit. Goes. Down. #the transition into act two occurs and thats a whooooole enchilada in of itself #and trust me a week is Not enough to adjust! #especially when frank passes out halfway through and then never wakes back up smhhhhh #julie: at least i have frank! right frank? frank? frank- #julie: .... #julie: at least i have eddie! and wally! #julie: wh- whats that? mhm. mhm. oh. really? oh... #julie: at least i have eddie!

[vvitchering]

I’m replaying act 1 (for the fifth time) and when Gale is explaining his condition to you he mentions he’s “never told another living soul” about it, except for Tara. You’re telling me this man shut himself up in his tower for an entire year and didn’t tell anyone why and no one ever bothered to find out? He has so few people who care about him in his life that he fell into a depression and disappeared for a year and NO ONE thought to go and check on him and find out what was wrong? He’s had no one but Tara providing help and support until he meets Tav???????

#I’m just #this is my Astarion run but holy shit GALE #like no wonder he’s a little bit insane #how isolated has he been his whole life that he has no one but his cat who cares enough to take care of him #the way he speaks about his mother I thought they’d be pretty close but even she never found out about the orb?? #either she shrugged off her brilliant son turning into a depressed recluse or she never bothered to check on him at all #and tbh Gale might not even realize that’s Not Ideal #maybe he’s always been held at a distance by his family #I have hcs about this actually #anyway that fucked me up this time #the way he begs tav for help finding items to feed the orb like he’s fully expecting to be shot down and left behind #ughhhhhhh I am Upset about the wizard again friends #bg3 #baldur’s gate 3 #gale of waterdeep #I didn’t even go into how Mystra also abandoned him at the same time #so he was going through a break up and a crisis of faith and being a human bomb all at once #🥲

[fighting-these-demons]

Hello Internet Stranger looking up G Gundam on Tumblr dot com!

This is an idea for a fic set in an Alternate Universe involving Queer Non-Canon Relationships between the characters of the series.

If you are not looking for this content please scroll on.

If you ARE looking for this content - and you're ok with reading my and other's Headcanons for this Alternate Universe I've haphazardly spun up -

Then go ahead and feel free to:

Check The Tags Of This Post For The Pairings

and click the Read More below!

--------------------------------------

Ended up outlining a completely different fic as a Segway for an explanation instead of making progress on the Royal Flush Haunted Honk AU's Clown Motel Fic like I wanted to but uh....

For y'all's review for the AU: A Prequel Outline - Divorce Saga Domon

--------------------------------------

Hey real quick - I'm thinking of maybe changing the timeline to 2 years post canon as opposed to 3 years and change post canon.

The reason being: I had a thought that this scene could either be part if the fic or if it's getting to big then it could be a stand alone tie-in prequel fic as part of this AU but - like

Immediately Post Divorce Domon Needs Space and runs off. As one does. And he runs to Earth because he just wants to Get Lost for a while.

He has Argo smuggle him out to avoid detection.

Argo has Andrew help stow Domon in a storage hanger of a Neo Canadian supply ship that's returning to the US - they have trade often enough and share agricultural resources - which leads to Domon ending up in New York when he hits Earthside pavement.

He's privately worked on his English the last couple of months and after being dropped in New York with a different hairstyle, outfit, and accent he's unrecognizable. 

He considers making his way west to get some solitude in the wilderness, but something about that initial plan feels off now that he's on the ground.

Chibodee is also Earthside for a special series of prize fights aimed at raising charitable appeal for the US in the eyes of Neo Americans.

Domon decides to hit up Chibodee for a fight on a day between matches hoping it'll clear his head and give him the clarity to decide on a course of action. What ends up happening is an unexpected heart to heart via blows and a breakdown.

Domon is happy for Rain and Kyoji, and he knows it's not true; but he feels like he lost a piece of himself when his relationship with Rain fell apart.

Domon's instinct is to run after that but Chibodee knows this city and Domon doesn't hide out for long before Chibodee drags him back to his place to stay and just "Chill out and breathe. You don't have to be anyone but yourself here. You can take as long as you need to find out what everything changing means for you." Friends and teammates stick together.

So Domon spends a few weeks with Chibodee sparring and hanging out in New York. Chibodee does a frankly awesome job at containing his feelings because he's focusing on Domons feelings and being a good friend first and foremost. Whatever he's feeling can wait until after Domon is done going though it.

There's a bit of a twinge in Domon's heart as he leaves that he can't really place.

After he returns to Neo Japan and gets settled back into life with his family, The Dreams start.

They're mainly set in New York. Small things first like noticing Chibodee's smile and his eyes. Then sparring sessions that begin to turn lurid.

He thought these kinds of dreams would stop after he was married.... he doesn't know what to do about this.

I just figure it gives more clarity and sense of time for the journey from Comphet Marriage Dissolution to Feelings to Confession. Idk.

But I got stuck on a bit and then had this thought and needed to get it down before I lost it and it was so long it made sense to make it its own post as opposed to several replies.

The Maize and Clown Motel will probably still be 3 years and change post canon for clarification.

@thedragonchilde @amplexadversary @youreaclownnow

#Domon Kasshu/Chibodee Crocket #Royal Flush #Chibodee Crocket/Domon Kasshu #Royal Flush Haunted Honk AU #mobile fighter g gundam #I imagine he hasn't had time for a Big Gay Crisis yet but the time is absolutely now #Kyoji absolutely helps him through this crisis because he had a normal environment and university to figure his own shit out. #Kyoji has to figure out WHY Domon is imploding and explosive and avoiding everyone a second time though. #This doesn't seem related to the Divorce but it doesn't seem immediately obvious either. 🤔 #Cue Schwarz FINALLY getting a fucking break and immediately coming to stay with Rain and Kyoji at their place. #Domon was aware that they had been living together in Neo Japan briefly before Schwarz was called back to Neo Germany for questioning #Once his rank was stripped of him he was back with Kyoji for a short period before the Divorce as part of Kyoji and Dr. Kasshu's study of #DG Cells. Once they had a breakthrough - Schwarz was sent abroad with a small military group and Doctors Without Borders group to assist #With immediate infection cases on behalf of Neo Japan as part of reparations. So Domon hadn't seen him in quite some time. #Domon certainly wasn't expecting to see him in the garden when he rounded the corner of the Mikamura residence #Leaned over Kyoji who appears to have been working outside on his laptop. Fingers intertwined a hand on Kyojis jaw and locked in a kiss. #Which ends pretty much instantly as they sense Domon and break apart. It occurs to Kyoji and Schwarz that Kyoji never #Got the chance to actually tell Domon much about himself and the man he'd grown into while Domon was training in Hong Kong with Master Asia #This might be a pretty significant shock to him. #I can't decide between Domon running from his Gay Revelation or IMMEDIATELY Losing His Shit at the thought of Rain's SECOND marriage ending #And knowing for sure now the reason why his and Rain's marriage didn't work out. He really does prefer men. #Bu HOW DARE Kyoji do this to her!!! She's been through enough!!!! This will HURT her SO BADLY!!! (Projection of guiiillllttt) #Back to square 1 fir a moment like damn #And once he starts fighting Kyoji about it (Thank God the ressurection gave them the option to make Kyojis new build similar to Schwarz's) #It comes out that Rain cant go through this AGAIN and he won't let him do this to her! Her honor means something to Domon #And it should mean something to Kyoji too as HER HUSBAND #Kyoji and Schwarz catch on the Again bit and Kyoji makes it clear that Rain has known about his situation with Schwarz since they returned #That they're quite literally inseparable and that Rain married him knowing this. She's fully aware and an active participant. #Domon takes a leg sweep and doesn't quite make his recovery as Schwarz steps in #Pinning his arms and one leg in place so he can't run from Kyojis question. Kyoji grabs Domon's hair to turn his head and asks

[hella1975]

me: yeah i didn't project too badly onto taob haha *sees a quote from taob randomly on a tiktok webweave about girlhood*

#HELLO?????? yeah zuko they girlhooded you. yeah no they transed your gender #idk if this makes sense but ur coping mechanisms are just sooo she/her #like do you have any idea how baffling this was like no tags no search no nothing it was just there by sheer luck #i saw it was a webweave about girlhood and i was like ohoughhee this will be good #got a few slides in. hello i recognise thAT FUCKING QUOTE WHAT IS HAPPENING #like it's such a niche quote and out of context like it was it could have been from ANYTHING #AND it wasn't credited which i'll get to in a second #but honestly i felt like a mother identifying her child through something incredibly niche like a single freckle or some shit #bc i was like 'this is such a nondescript quote and isnt a big enough moment for me to remember vividly and yet somehow i Just Know' #and low and behold i double checked with a cheeky ctrl+f on taob AND I WAS FUCKING RIGHT #WHAT THE FUCK #im a tad fuming there was no credit like the person used like 12 images and only 3 of them are Non-Tumblr Writing Quotes #and NONE got credited #like i get it's hard enough to get art credited but i feel with artists there's still a general conensus that you're SUPPOSED to tag them #but with writing people honestly just treat it like it's free real estate and the thing is it kinda IS especially if it's fanfic #but also..... why would you not just say who wrote that? like you clearly like it enough to put in ur little slideshow #so why not give credit where credit is due. annoying. bc now im like if this happened by pure fucking chance #then how many times has this happened when ive literally been totally unaware of it? #how many times have MY WORDS just been flung about tiktok without any acknowledgement that i wrote them? #idkkkk just how writing especially amongst tiktokers is treated as a lesser or watered down artform #that doesn't require the decency given to 'actual' art. i might just be being cynical bc i dont like tiktok tho lol #like girl (taob) what the hell are you doing at the devil's sacrament #taob

[kakyogay]

Probably my most favorite tag I've ever gotten on any of my posts 💀

#i don't know how long I can keep saying “it's for the emotion exploration” in my head like #and I've thought that writing down this shit will get it out of my head but then like #I start thinking of more things #and now I don't want anyone looking through the documents on my laptop #I need to start thinking about scigerator sqap I need to start thinking about scugerator swap divert divert I need to dovert to acugerator s #or at least start focusing on sig like damn suns have been through enough in just the planned lore I don't need to ruin them more #or moon she deserves some thought aswell #and I need to draw more innocence and wind #the colors on their designs aren't even done yet #yeah now that I think about I got a lot of stuff I gotta do #that'll have to wait till after school tho

[chappellrroan]

why am i the one who's always supposed to understand & be the bigger person

#like mom is allowed to say hurtful shit whether she means it or not indirectly or directly but my reflex action will not allow me to do the #same because well. it's mom. she's been through enough. she probably doesn't mean it. ok wtv. if i say smth rude or get angry i will #definitely regret it later because it's mom & she's the only who understands me truly & supports me fully #but i get hurt sometimes too man idk

[mostlikelyshutup]

newsflash assholes, everyone in the butcher shop is repressed!

#except niko #we love her and the crumb of emotional intelligence she brings to the group #edwin is the most out there about it but like charles and jenny and are right up there #crystal i think is too but just not as much as the rest of them #shes emotionally intelligent enough to recognize her and others feelings but she doesn't necessarily want to work through them #as evidenced by the fact she takes any chance to not talk about how david the demon affected her until she literally cannot escape it #idk if she knows she does this and that might be why she seems less so than the others who deliberately deflect #edwin straight up refuses any time emotions are brought up and deflects so obviously #he knows hes repressed and hes okay with it #its a very British way of going about it tbh #charles has been angry for the last thirty years and has been smiling the whole time #and jenny is jenny #we all know jenny #she knows shes repressed and shes keeping that shit #shes in therapy and her therapist is like okay jenny lets talk about feelings and she goes ??? what feelings #k mumbles #dead boy detectives

[arolesbianism]

I recently decided to semi revive some of my crusty dusty splatoon ocs from when I was like 12, so here’s all of the goobers! Meet Cherry (she/her), Slosh (he/they), Egg (they/them), and Blast (she/they)

#keese draws #splatoon #splatoon oc #inkling #inkling oc #octoling #octoling oc #since they were from me being like 12 I. barely remember anything abt them. #I remember the most abt cherry and slosh but that basically amounts to their names and gender #the other two I only rember existing through vibes lol #anyways! I am never drawing splatoon weapons again! holy shit that fucking sucked! #on the bright side I got to mess around a bit with some hair style concepts I’ve been rotating in my head #also I’m still working on giving these guys an updated story but my basic idea is that they’re a professional tower control team that has #been facing some conflicts as of late due to them all getting old enough to start having aspirations outside of their team #cherry is from the domes but her parents left with her when she was around 10 #blast went to the same school as her and the two became pretty close friends as selective mute buddies #then at some point cherry caught wind of this cool new sport called tower control and was like woahhh I wanna do that #so she just went up to the first person near the battle lobby she could find and was like hey how do I join? #and he got super excited since he has a reputation for being incapable of shutting up so someone willing coming up to him came as a shock #they showed her where to get weapons and how to join battles and the two became battle buddies real quick #this lead to blast getting super worried and anxious as she didn’t want to see her only friend get hurt or stolen from her #at which point cherry was like oh I know! why don’t you come battle with us? #and blast was like wait wait wait no what if I die and dont come back and then die again :[ #they managed to come to a compromise for a while tho and eventually blast was able to just barely squish past her fear enough to start #being kind of interested in tower control as she had started watching the other two play #and while she was still anxious abt the idea eventually she sheepishly admitted she wanted to give it a try #and she ended up really liking it! so the three kept playing together #and eventually they started to feel more and more like an actual team and egg noticed #they had been scouting a team to join for a lil while now and after getting to play with the three quite a few times and getting on friendly #terms with them they were like hey what if we became like an actual team who do tournaments and stuff

[lesbianfakir]

Sorry for being so rambly today (and last night) I have thoughts so onto the blog they go

I feel like part of the joy of art is in community, like you create something and you get to talk about it and share it with the world. This year I lost touch with the friends who I would always talk about art with and I think that loss is heavily impacting my ability to create (and the enjoyment I get from it.) I miss having a new idea and getting to ramble about it excitedly. I miss texting people the sketches and the mock ups and the color palettes.

I got into art for me. I wouldn’t show anything I made to anyone for years. So I’m no stranger for creating for the target audience of myself. Still, I miss that sense of community. I love this blog and I absolutely adore the lovely comments you all leave on my art but sometimes it feels so one-sided on here. I post a piece, I receive a lovely tag back and that’s it. End of story. I spend hours and hours working on something and it kind of disappears into the void in a day or so.

Trying to put it into words, but I think I wish I could create art that starts a conversation. That inspires people to create their own things in response, or even just talk with me about process. I think the perfectionism has gotten out of hand lately because I feel like I’m missing something—which I attribute to the quality of the piece—but really what I’m missing is buddies to chat about art with. There is no level of being “good enough” that will serve as a substitute for a real community.

#ahaha if you can’t tell I am a very introspective person #and a lonely one the transition to college has been rough and all my friends are back home #anyways I was thinking about drawing more stuff for my ocs today #and then I remembered the friend I loved to talk about them with hasn’t replied to me in a month #which is understandable. she’s busy. she made new friends. she’s not struggling like I am so it makes sense that she’s just kind of moved on #but I miss her #I had no chance of making it to her in group because all her friends she met through dance and I can’t dance for shit #I don’t even think she meant to ghost me but who knows #it sucks that I won’t get a real goodbye #anyways all of that to say I was going to draw my ocs and then I got so sad because who would I even share them with #there are a few art groups on campus but I have anxiety and mild agoraphobia and when I try to go I just feel awkward and shy #anyways if anyone ever wants to chat about art #it’s only one of my fav things in the whole world #lea talks #WHY CANT I BE A PROPER TORTURED ARTIST #WHY CANT I TURN MY ISOLATION INTO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL #WHY DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO BE PRESENT IN THE PROCRESS #is it not enough to descend into a quiet madness on my own and create from that??

[shima-draws]

I just finished the Archon Quest. What the FUCK that was so sad I’m so upset!! God dammit!!!!

#Shima speaks #HOW COULD THEY END IT LIKE THAT. SCREAMS AND HOLLERS #Genshin Impact #Genshin Impact spoilers #LIKE BRO. NAHIDA’S ALREADY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH SHIT #And Rukkhadevata just went ✌️ #SHE WAITED SO LONG TO MEET HER. ONLY FOR HER TO JUST YEET HERSELF OUT OF EXISTENCE #AND THEY MADE NAHIDA CRY. I’M SO UPSETTI SPAGHETTI RN #SHE REALLY PULLED A FUCKING GASTER. SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP #Rukkhadevata: Aight kid you gotta delete me from existence #Nahida: Why the FUCK would I do that #AND THEN SHE DID. BC SHE HAD NO CHOICE #Gnashing my teeth SO hard rn #I’m angry bc it made me so fucking emotional. How DARE you make me cry over this #AND THE FACT THAT THE TRAVELER IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO REMEMBERS HER…..BRO. BROOOOO. #Lies down #I need a minute. Ughhhh

[dreamlogic]

2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70% #i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op) #but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself' #and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time? #and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

[theworstcreature]

Chat what if I started crying

Tw for animal death in the tags

#my senior cat is doing not great #she must’ve been bitten by some large neighborhood animal #she’s pretty sick and has some bite marks from canine teeth on her lower back #she probably won’t make it through the night #I really hope she does so we can get her to the vet #why didn’t we take her when we first found the bite marks #if she doesn’t at least she dies with loved ones #unlike my other cat #who died from being attacked by some different beast #like god two three years ago at this point #idk why this cat is making me feel so much worse #maybe it’s because instead of my mom randomly sitting me down and telling me #I’m watching her decline in real time #we probably won’t get another new cat after this #I hope we do though #I don’t like not having a fuzzy little study buddy #and my other cat at the moment doesn’t really do affection #I have a little bit of hope though because she still has enough energy to be hissy spitty at the dog for simply existing #and when we moved her from one end of a bed to the other she stood up and re situated herself #lowkey wanna start sobbing but idk I feel like that’d make my parents pay attention to me and that’s lowkey what I don’t want #like idk my family does the physical affection like hugging and shit #but when k feel like shit that’s not really my thing #and boy howdy do I feel like shit #anyway rant over #bye