#so the version of myself that I wish I was more often while sober lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wakaoujisenhime · 4 years

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Read your Kirishima post ‘I promise’ loved it! 🥰 So if you are up to it I got a NSFW request! For Tetsutetsu and Kirishima who share a fem s/o. So poly if that’s ok. In the midst of getting it on, they arouse and tease her relentlessly while holding her down until she is desperately begging for release. They love seeing how lovely she looks flushed and desperate, and she loves how arousing it is, and so they finally give it to her and do it lol. The wait making release all the more satisfying!

A/N: My first NSFW request and I have to say that I’m quite nervous, but I still hope you’ll like it! Actually, after I read your request I immediately thought of a scenario I could use and I have to say that I’m quite satisfied with it and I hope that you will be as well! (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄

Tags: Kirishima x reader ✅ Tetsutetsu x reader ✅ smut (18+) ✅ poly ✅ threesome ✅ orgasm denial ✅ teasing ✅ punishment ✅ slight bondage ✅

image/art source: Pinterest (if you know the original artist, please let me know!)

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How dare you? - Kirishima x reader x Tetsutetsu

You were bored and frustrated, sitting in front of your TV with a fluffy blanket wrapped around your body, waiting for your two boyfriends to come home.

The lovers you were so desperately waiting for were none other than Kirishima and Tetsutetsu the most popular pro hero duo as of right now.

While you were watching your favorite movie for the hundredth time, they were all suited up and had gone to a party during which they celebrated their last mission’s success. You sadly couldn’t send them off personally and that’s what frustrated you the most!

The two of them had bought new suits especially for this occasion and all you wished for was to see them all dressed up, but as lucky as you were you had to do paperwork and by the time you had finished, they were gone.

You sighed and proceeded to turn your TV off and that’s when you heard the front door opening.

“(Y/N)! We’re back.”

“And we even sneaked out some snacks for you!”

They were finally back!

Before you could even get up from the couch, Kirishima threw himself next to you wrapping his arms around your covered body, as he began to softly rub his cheeks against yours. It was quite a pleasant feeling that instantly caused you to melt on the spot, the earlier frustration slowly leaving your body.

Sadly the feeling didn’t last for long, because Tetsutetsu pulled the redhead away from you.

“Don’t mind him (Y/N), he’s slightly drunk. I’m going to go and sober him up a little.”

After that short statement, he came up to you and quickly kissed your lips proceeding to literally drag Kirishima away from you, bringing him to the kitchen counter and finally giving him a big glass of water.

That was the first time you actually appreciated having a combined living room and kitchen because you had just noticed that they were still in their suits. The way the fabric hugged their muscles and toned bodies made you swallow hard. You felt your face growing hotter and watching them fool around in that attire only fueled your lust for the two men and that lust was about to become your downfall.

You slowly moved your hand down to your leggings and pulled them alongside your wet panties down a bit, freeing your wet and throbbing core from its confines. While you slowly began to circle your fingers around your clit, you began fantasizing what it would be like for the two heroes to pin you down to the couch, use their ties to stop you from using your arms or even blindfold you, having Kirishima whisper sweet and encouraging lines close to your ear while Tetsutetsu teases you and all of that while they still had their new suits on.

“(Y/N), what are you doing?”

Tetsutetsu’s low and raspy whisper startled you so much, that you almost came right then and there.

“N-Nothing...why are you asking?”

If you thought that your trembling voice, red cheeks, and labored breathing helped to back your obvious lie up, then you were terribly mistaken.

“Oh really?”

The amusement in his voice was indicating that he didn’t believe any word you’ve just said. Suddenly the blanket was pulled away from your body, revealing how you were pleasuring yourself underneath it.

Your silver-haired boyfriend clicked his tongue.

“I fucking knew it.“

Before you could even react Kirishima took your hand and pulled it away from your wetness which resulted in you moaning at the sudden loss of contact.

“K-Kiri, what was that for..?“

As soon as you two locked eyes with each other, you knew that you won’t get out of this without proper punishment. His eyes - or better said his whole gaze was filled with immense lust and him licking his lips just fueled your imagination further.

“How dare you pleasure yourself even though we are right next to you? Are we leaving you unsatisfied?“

If alcohol was responsible for that attitude change in Kirishima, you found yourself thinking that his drunk version might be something you’d like to see more often.

Meanwhile, Tetsutetsu kissed your neck and began undressing your lower body, leaving you with just your favorite shirt. The redhead followed the other boy’s lead and bend down to your thighs showering them with light kisses. You gasped as Kirishima directed his kisses to your wet core, intentionally kissing around it, grinning at your desperate attempt by moving your hips to get him to kiss your clit.

“Eijiro...p-please”

He looked up at your flushed face and seeing you like that alongside your needy way of calling out his name he just couldn’t keep his teasing up any longer so he didn’t waste any more time and began lapping his tongue against your already sensitive bud. You had no idea just how much the boys got turned on by the way you arched your back and gasped, but you noticed that something was poking your sides. As you turned to the man behind you it was obvious what he wanted, so without saying anything you just began unfastening his pants’ buttons not even bothering in pulling them or his underwear down. His cock sprang free, softly slapping against your cheek and staining it slightly with his precum. You began licking up and down his shaft while messaging his tip with your finger, earning a low moan from him as he placed his big hand on your head. After a short while, the boys began heating things up.

Kirishima spread your lips apart, sliding two fingers inside of your wet hole while Tetsutetsu began rocking his hips back and forth, keeping up a quick and relentless pace.

The silver-haired boy felt you gag as his tip touched the very back of your throat and that only fired him up, even more, going even quicker than before. Kirishima, on the other hand, had begun to bend his fingers upward, constantly touching and teasing your g-spot while his tongue worked wonders on your clit as well as on your folds, your trembling legs signalized him that you were very close to reaching your orgasm so he slowed his tongue and fingers down until he stopped completely. The cock that was seated-deep down your throat was also pulled out of your mouth and all you could do was whine silently while your hands tried to pull either of them back to yourself.

“Don’t stop, p-please“

Your plea apparently fell onto deaf ears, since both of them just looked at each other and stood up from the couch. The first thing that came to your mind was that they were going to leave you behind just like that as punishment, but you were glad to see that all they did was switch their places. Now Tetsutetsu was the one spreading your legs apart as he licked his lips while Kirishima began unbuttoning his pants and immediately let his hard cock plop down onto your face. You immediately opened up your mouth as wide as you could and spread your legs apart, showing both of them that you were ready to take them on.

“You’ve become quite greedy, you know that?”, said the red-haired boy who was softly moving his precum covered tip along your lips, covering them with his juices. Before you could begin pleasuring him, you felt your hips being lifted upwards. You glanced down to a grinning Tetsutetsu who was holding onto your thighs while your ass was resting on his chest as his fingers were gently running along your already wet folds. His sharp teeth began nibbling on your already sensitive clit causing you to wrap your arms around Kirishima’s hips. Before you could even moan, Kirishima’s throbbing cock slowly entered your mouth, muffling any sound coming from you. He began a slow and gentle pace which was quite the contrast from Tetsu’s treatment some minutes ago, but you loved it that way. Kirishima rocked his hips back and forth, stopping a few times as his tip had reached the very back of your throat. Meanwhile, you were once again close to reaching your breaking point, but you wanted to keep yourself as calm as possible in order to cum without them stopping you from your release, but sadly they knew your body better than you thought they did.

As soon as you were preparing yourself to finally release the knot that was forming inside of you since long ago, Tetsu just gave your twitching pussy a soft slap and stopped preventing you from reaching your orgasm once again.

“N-No! Wait please don’t stop...!”

Full of frustration that you were stopped even though you were so close, you attempted to touch yourself and finally cum, but Kirishima was quicker.

He grabbed your hands and pushed them down above your head, while your other boyfriend took his tie and tied them up, preventing any further attempt to pleasure yourself. You began moving your hips against Tetsu’s knee desperate for some friction, but he noticed that and immediately moved it, now pinning your lower body down as well, further restricting your movements.

Your lust was slowly becoming unbearable and the fact that your boyfriends were punishing you by not allowing you to cum was getting to you, small tears forming at the corner of your eyes.

“Eijiro...Tetsu, please let me cum! I can’t bear this anymore, please! I’m sorry if I’ve upset you with my attempt to pleasure myself, but you guys were looking so sexy in these new suits that I just couldn’t help myself! Please forgive me...”

You were on the verge of crying at this point, but luckily your message got through them.

Kirishima softly kissed your small tears away while gently massaging your breasts and whispering silent apologies and promises on making you feel good while Tetsu kissed your hands, licking and gently biting your fingers while slowly removing his tie that bound them together.

The silver-haired boy sat back and pulled you on top of his lap, kissing your face while his hands spread your asscheeks apart. Kirishima leaned onto you from behind and slowly shoved his shaft inside of your back. A relieved sigh escaped your mouth resulting in a soft chuckle from both of them.

“Sorry sweetie, but you are always so cute when we tease you so we couldn’t help ourselves.”

While the redhead behind you whispered next to your ear, licked and nibbled it the man in front of you used the moment and entered you from the front savoring the tight and wet feeling around his throbbing shaft. They intended on waiting for you to give them a heads up, but they weren’t expecting you to start moving on your own.

“Fuck...you two stop with the teasing and make a mess out of me already!”

“You don’t have to ask me twice, love.”

After his statement, Tetsutetsu began thrusting himself up and down and it didn’t take Kirishima too long to join in.

Having both of them thrust relentlessly inside of your tight holes was making you see stars, especially after being denied from your orgasm twice today. Needless to say, it didn’t take you too long to approach another release, causing both of them to grunt, feeling your insides tightening around their hard cocks.

“You gonna cum, love?”

Not managing to form any coherent sentence anymore you just continue moaning and nod multiple times.

“Then don’t hold back and cum all over us. You deserve it.”

Your lovers began thrusting even faster trying to finally give you your much longed-for release and it didn’t take them remotely as long as they thought it would to give it to you.

Finally being able to cum after such a long time you felt like you had reached heaven. Your back arched towards Tetsu who eagerly began biting and licking your nipples and Kirishima held your hips down with one hand while the other held onto one of your trembling legs.

It took you some time to come down from your high, but that didn’t stop them from chasing their own release which had you screaming and clawing at their hands, begging them to let you go. Of course, they didn’t listen and just continued thrusting into you and marking you as their own until they finally released their warm cum deep inside of you.

The boys slowed down their thrusts and finally stopped, wrapping their arms around you and kissing you all over.

“How was that?”

You scoffed at Tetsu’s question and gently bit the tip of his nose while Kirishima chuckled behind you, enjoying the scene play out in front of him.

“I loved it. I wouldn’t mind doing it all again.“

The boys who were literally sandwiching you, looked at each other with wide eyes, realizing what you meant with your wish to repeat everything and finally answered in unison.

“We dare you to.“

#bnha smut #mha smut #bnha x reader #mha x reader #kirishima x reader #tetsutetsu x reader #kirishima x reader x tetsutetsu #kirishima smut #tetsutetsu smut #━𝙱𝙽𝙷𝙰 #━𝙼𝙷𝙰 #━𝙰𝙽𝙾𝙽'𝚂 𝙴𝙲𝙷𝙾

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thnglesswndr · 3 years

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I want you around

To go back in time would be a luxury. It feels like today is not today without you in it. While it has been a short time it has become a struggle. Life does not feel as balanced as it once did. Life feels somewhat chaotic and multi-dimensional and empty.

I want to say that you were right on a lot of things. Instinctively I must say for such a short period your assessment of me was pretty spot on. How you came to understand me so well I dont know. I can call it paying attention or simply a genuine interest in me but still shocking of your 🎯🎯.

Going through the nights as we did and sharing moments of intelligence until the sun rose are my fondest memories. I miss every aspect of what we had and the time we spent. What submerses me in sadness most is the conversation that was had and knowing I will no longer experience it. Drunk or sober there is nothing more that I TRULEY appreciate then connected conversation.

If you think I didnt sleep before I want you to know that I dont sleep now. I often wonder what your doing or thinking…what your wearing…or what your nails look like. I miss your touch and smell, the way you would put your legs on me even the way you would look at me prior to threatening me lol. I miss watching you walk to me and walk away. I miss your laugh and smile. I definitely miss your lips and all the *** and the ******* ***** EVER!!!

From the talks of the future and individual goals to debates about debates and different perspectives on life. I want to call you but Im adhering to the agreement you have imposed. Not for me but out of respect for you..trust me its not easy in any capacity that you might think. I get that I said what I said but I didnt want any of this. I wanted the stars to align and be the perfect version of me because thats what you deserve. Can I be that guy..unequivocally YES, will I get there YES, do I hope your next to me YES!!!

I will pray for you EVERY NIGHT as I always have. I will wish you nothing but success and happiness as I ALWAYS HAVE. I just hope that this feeling of loneliness and emptiness will fade away. I dont speak about your feelings and insight as Im not you. I wont say that anything Im expressing is not felt on your end but im hurt and the worst part about it is I think I did it to myself 😶😶

#Spotify

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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another prompt saga

April 8th: Talk about friendship. How important are friends to you? Do you find it hard to make and maintain friendships? Are your friends generally supportive? Is there anything about having friends that confuses you?

another big question for me to go on plenty of tangents lol

well i haven't often had friends Really, there's like, being amicable with classmates, being friends with people While We're At School Together, being friendly acquaintances lmfao, or like, the occasional "yeah ig we're sort of friends, not exactly very close tho" lol and then rarely where yeah i'd call someone a close friend, although naturally, it's not like i completely discount those other, less close relationships. and, even more so, not like overall i'm like "oh friendship? yeah that's pretty frivolous and unimportant and it's just something mildly entertaining vs the Real Shit & True Emotional Support & Love of your biological family and romantic soulmate" lol, Friends Are Important and it's entirely serious 2 me

also natch i Do find it hard to make and maintain friendships lol. goes back to like, preschool and being around a bunch of age peers regularly for the first time, where my "best friend" defaulted to this one person who sought out interacting with me when i was otherwise doing my own thing during preschool recess, and i was pretty enthused about getting invited to a bday party one kid invited a bunch of us to, because that was like, a Friend thing, and a fun social thing, and i was included.....that i Do remember just feeling like, socially, everyone else was playing a game i didn't know the rules to and so couldn't expect to participate and, furthermore, i ought to stay out of the way of whatever everyone else was doing, where i Did often choose to do stuff by myself, but it's like, you know, the way "autistic" is even used figuratively (which. i have a lot of disdain for) because it's like oh the defining thing really is that telltale "doesn't want to interact with other people or form relationships, probably because also they have no feelings / normal and intrinsic qualities of Humanity" but it's like, if you pay any attention or god forbid ask autistic people about their own experiences, sure everyone has their own varying social approach and anyone might not always be raring to be the center of the party or Not want to do their own thing, but it's not that oh all autistic people aren't interested in social connection, but that like even when you are a small child it's like, oh all these other kids are interacting in this way that isn't really my social style and that shuts me out, and/or attempting to interact with people results in this even subtle, quiet rejection / exclusion that can be picked up on. i wasn't making friends and was often keeping to myself / keeping my head down as it were, but it wasn't because i didn't want to have friends or socialize. my mom was insistent i was a Shy Child lmao and i'd always argue that i wasn't Really, without further explanation though lmao, but it's like, again that i felt that sort of emergent exclusion, and there wasn't any space to interact much on my terms at all, and like, yeah i often stayed quiet / didn't want to mingle with other kids / if i was in a Situation i wanted to know the How To of navigating it / what to expect

being friends with people at school was fine, except the drawbacks of stuff like "we're only interacting at school, rarely hanging out outside of that" & "someone in the same grade is in a diff class in elementary school so we just never see each other now" & "for some reason that 2nd grade teacher made a whole giant Example out of me and a friend, god forbid, not paying attention or whatever the fuck, so now i feel like we can't interact at all anymore" & "changing schools entirely between elementary / middle / college" & "not being in school" lmao similar to work friends too, we're At Work, might not see each other outside of that, might change jobs & stop seeing each other, & still overall rare, b/c the Preschool Experience never Really stopped imo, had different versions of it even into college and like, being at jobs with other adults lmao, socializing is still Like That, came up with the Je Ne Hate Quoi where like, people kind of just Know to exclude you / consider you an exception to whatever other social stuff is going on.

and then like, the difficulties even when socializing / interactions Are happening, where like, it's always funny like. i'm very Verbose / Chatty and very opinionated but like, this will surprise people, that i Talk actually and have a ton of takes, b/c i was keeping to myself / not sharing that with them and so it's like well, that must of course be the realest version of me, no way i was filtering myself, i just must have Not Wanted to talk, and/or had nothing to say & hence no thoughts or feelings i might wanna share lol, of course....and tbh like, it sure Can be true that i don't wanna talk lmao like. i wanna talk About Stuff that isn't really "personal" generally, which can be like, yeah i wanna talk about this book, or about birds, or about this trivia topic, or whatever, whereas idk so much how to do like small talk about your day or otherwise share Casual things about Yourself, like, idk, being aware my interests are things about Myself but also aware that it's Weird / wasn't the kind of stuff you were supposed to talk about, and i felt that things about my life were otherwise Not The Right Stuff, or too boring (never hanging out, not doing much except being at home reading / doing shit by myself or w/siblings) or too Unfun (able to pick up the sense that At Home Shittiness was a private matter lol......) and it'd be like, idk what to say, things about myself don't seem to fit..........but also it can be that i do not enjoy the Vibe of an interaction lmfaoooo like, i truly do not want to talk to you people. like that i can sometimes vibe with someone inebriated people better lmfao because then, idk, they have some sense of humor and can muster some enthusiasm for anything, but also i'm not really a fan of knowing that someone isn't sober lmfao like. ppl will be like "omg were you drunk" like no, that was just my personality, whereas i am not Heartened to know other ppl Will have to have been drunk to get on my level, for example, don't understand when people cannot muster being even a little silly. it's goofaround hours. but then you have like, being around a bunch of cishet people when they're drunk, and their humor is as nonexistent and boring as ever but they're even louder / more insistent about it, nightmare. and, yknow, just people talking and i'm like "i'm not interested in this at all, whether re: conversational Style or Subject, i would not want to participate" and times when it's like. i know if i was gonna chime in with what i Would say you would not be able to handle me here lmfaoooo so. i truly would prefer examining the wall and thinking about my own shit or texting with someone i do like talking with

but that yknow, in groups / conversations i would be at least someone interested in, i can still be like, idk, Hesitant To Talk b/c of all the instances you've been taught like oh you're socializing Wrong and everyone hated that, sorta like the post about making a comment about salsa that brings the gc to a halt and you're wondering how you fucked up and if salsa killed someone's parents and forgot or whatever, i've been Disheartened re: hanging out when it's like, well, nice to be included, but i'm a friendship third wheel here, not being included in the entire convo and nobody misses it, there's been instances where it's like, two people talking, i chime in, i am completely ignored multiple times, this is frustrating lmao. or there's been times i've tried to put myself out there in a way, like yeah sure i'll hang out with this group, but also i'm anxious and it's like, if people are doing homework i'm also bringing this thing i'm working on as this parallel task, only to find out down the line like people then regarded you as a joke or something b/c it was Rude or Wrong when you know, actually that was you reading some weird shit that didn't exist into the situation, and just like, idk it's wild how people will have like "graciously" declined to express something to your face, and you either can pick up on shit at the time but not be able to say anything which just reads to people like "oh they didn't notice this / that means you can push it a little further next time even" or like, figure out later that something that seemed positive or decent actually ft. people not liking you / not wanting to include you Yet Again, and as a bonus you're left with you know, having to always worry about if people Seemingly being amicable & accepting is actually them wishing you weren't there or solidifying some Interpretations of you that they're then gonna Talk About or Act On behind the scenes, like, beautiful thank you, always very touching, so glad you were so Considerate of someone's feelings and Nice about this where it just ends up being this whole letdown / feeling like even more of a rejection if there was this weird like stringing along lmao like. can allistic people be normal for five minutes

anyways and tied to that sort of, it's also like, simultaneously Cagey About Things and always worried about like, i could tell this person this thing and maybe it'd be Incorrect for the interaction and they won't care, whether because it's too mundane and boring a thing about you or because it's too #Real, i think i glimpsed something a month or so ago about like "do other autistic people have trouble where like, you can be friends with someone a long time but not get particular Close to them" or whatever lol, where like, well i have to hold everyone at arm's length and often Then Some because there's just matter of fact stuff about me that i nonetheless think i can't or shouldn't share, if i talked about something it might be out of the blue b/c i just was hardly confiding in people about it, or it's boring, or it's like, i don't actually feel like i'm close enough with this person that saying this isn't gonna be like "whoa overshare!! i just feel awkward & weird!" lmfao like. there were people i hung out with in person the year i lived out of my car and i did not mention this at all to them / kept it a secret b/c it's like, not out of like ohh this is a secret b/c No One Can Know, some people Could know lmao (shoutout to the person i Did confide in about these problems and who talked with me at what must've been like 3am in that timezone when i was like "well the rich people around here made sure to get cops to harass an unhoused person, e.g. me, would you believe it, it sucked" lmfao) it's that i knew idk, it would be pointless, they'd just feel weird about it and switch into that "for some reason, this is being Nice" where everyone will go into full Putting On A Front mode to be Polite like, that really sucks actually lmao could you Not. but it's like, idk, all this stuff where it's like "this thing about me / my life would be too Boring or too Awkward or Depressing or Etc Etc" turns out to be isolating / alienating b/c like, of course it would be. and idk nobody i ever made friends with in person i was Confiding in, not a ton of them re: me either, because you know. being cagey and wary, on top of like ohhh this person is Standoffish if they're hesitant to interact with people generally or do their own thing or i don't think they're socializing Right / have incorrectly inferred their feelings/motivations/intentions or whatever

and furthermore on that lmao it's also like, again, while i'm Verbose & Opinionated people will think i'm quiet & have no takes to provide because it's also like, even when it comes to stuff i sure feel i Could talk freely about, it's like, if i have a different opinion here will that just be a conversational Interruption ruining things for the real participants, probably nobody wants to hear me talk about this Subject, probably nobody wants to / would let me talk about it at much length without interrupting, even Online lmao i can be just going all out in terms of [how much i can talk about something] and while people can be Into that at that time it's like, people aren't into that beyond that one back and forth on one day, shoutout when people do enjoy the extensive discussing and/or have patience for it other times lol.

then supposing i Am talking to people lmao it's like, idk i'm an acquired taste or what have you, like, on top of the Talking A Ton it's like, the being opinionated and argumentative and sometimes pedantic or whatever on top of being irritable, could stand to be a bit more patient lmao, The Hater Friend to use the figure of speech lmao i have hardly been in a Group to be The [Any] Friend lol, also if my sense of humor doesn't fit it's like well how am i supposed to be silly, if being sometimes Enthused doesn't fit, again kinda an issue......have described myself as A Bit Much, humorously, but already not doing that as Much b/c it's like, i think i'm still too much like considering other people's opinions too "objective" here when like, first of all that's never accurate lmao, second of all i can easily forget that idk, i can at least in theory expect people to just regularly Like me and Enjoy interacting with me lol so. an acquired taste few can sample..........like hey even if other people don't vibe with me, it can just as much be the case that i'm not vibing with other people, don't worry lmao. and yknow, kinda parallel to Masking to seem acceptable in any casual social situation it's like, if i feel i'm suppressing my whole personality here / putting up a front / like i have to Get Through what should be a friendly interaction rather than be able to enjoy it myself, it's not exactly that rewarding. and plenty of times it's like, i like to be around people, but it can be strangers, i don't feel like "oh i wanna go out to eat / see a movie / go to this event, but if i can't get any friends to go, guess i can't!" like get out of the way i'm readily doing shit alone, it can even feel Better that way if otherwise it's like, now this occasion is about performing peak Agreeability for this other person/people, and like, not like i have ever been like "yes i have people i can readily ask to hang out and they'll be like Ya" anyways lol so. used to operating solo, where you can't be like "aha this is because this person has no Human Interest in Human Connection" when it's like. well it was never all up to me was it

well and so also it helped when i was 14 and able to be Online consistently, vs at home lmao. time for online friendship, which i don't think is like, oh that's not Real, like what sorry have you never known about people who have Remote friendships before, phones & letters & telegrams and also [nowadays when many ppl are Remote even if they usually lived near enough to hang out with] where it's like, you have this different format for socializing that can sure play out differently than Real Time, In Person interactions, and ever since i'll be posting mostly to myself lmfao but able to thusly talk about Interests and like, people will come along who want to talk more about it, then we do. i suppose also it can sure help that i'll draw (and Only draw, lol) for said interests, although tbh i think most of the time it's the extensive text posts that do it? really and great litmus test or whatever lmfao like, well already this person must not hate the verbosity. and then you can end up vibing with these people further, or not, but it's like, again, there's this chance for From The Start like, oh this person Likes that i have this niche interest, they like &/or don't mind talking A Lot about it lmao, vs in person introductions where that can sure happen but it's like, that's gonna be chance & spontaneous, whereas ppl might have the opportunity to Seek Out this interaction / content of yours......even online though, i'm still like, not as inclined to reach out or make the first interaction move or whatever lmao so. and then it's like, people make galaxy brain remarks like "ohh people who are very Online don't have friends, irl, they aren't Personable, irl," like yes congratulations i'm autistic and i don't have many In Person friends generally, sometimes maybe not any, don't really know where people think they'll land their argument here. like, follow it through, are you just calling people losers. is it "social media makes peopel Not social" like nobody is Doing Anything when they're online or everyone is embracing strangers and having heart to hearts every weekday morning with whoever is nearby if only they weren't on twitter? plus the fact that like, if i don't have access to people i interact with online, that doesn't like, force me to become neurotypical so that i then have a thriving in person social circle, it just means i'm more isolated? meanwhile, turns out it helps a lot if it's like, yeah i can Expect to interact with people

and then still like, all the time it might be like i still can feel Confused as it were about How To Talk To People lmfao like. there's not much "Just Be Yourself" when being yourself has meant filtering yourself, actually, and being v self conscious about trying (and often failing) to appeal to other people (which, then if you do succeed, it's like oops this person likes me but if i've been putting up a front the whole time, not super Validating) and not exactly a ton of practice getting to do Otherwise, and it can again be like. is this too boring to talk about, or just somewhat arbitrarily like "oh i'd better Not talk / say whatever" for no real reason lmfao, i Can just get like. Real Time Chatty as it were, but it's difficult actually lmfao like i need a lot of momentum, and it's easy for that to be Not the case.......and just like, again that it's easy to forget you don't have to be in "nobody wants to hear you talk" mode, or think like, okay, i can't just say anything, i have to say something Good, aka of interest or funny or whatever lmao but then it's like well i guess i Can just say anything. don't much know how to do that tho

(also, sidenote from "wtf is thinking being friends w/someone online is faker than when you're friends with someone sort of from being in the same building every weekday, what is the conclusion of 'what a loser geek whatever if you care about connecting Online who can't be popular Offline'" where it's always funny when someone is also like "wow even in person Fandom is, like social media, something that only people who suck at socializing Normally are into" lmfao like. not very relevant b/c nobody wants to really be in a broader fanbase rather than find particular kindred spirits through it, and who actually wants to go to comic con or whatever, sounds like a nightmare, but it's still such a faux analytical perspective lmfao like, again, first of all, what's the Conclusion to your argument here? and secondly honestly like. all versions of Small Talk are kinda gonna be bullshit, even amongst say, nt people, there's nothing Universal, and people can certainly be inconsiderate / preclude any genuine connection via what they might consider to be this neutral part of the ritual, and yknow, i find it kinda exhausting like it's peak Time To Mask and then i'm hardly in the mood to Really talk further, like yknow what. idk i'd be annoyed if someone demanded i Correctly Complete some sort of fandom reference by way of greeting, but i'm also annoyed when someone demands i Correctly Complete whatever maneuvers you're supposed to do with a rhetorical "how are you :)" lmfao like. you're a cringe nerd in the rigid social ritual of pleasantries fandom)

anyways and uhh yeah i also yknow, hashtag alana beck, it's like, glad to pretend Friendly Acquaintances makes sense, i guess it can, but it's great when it's like, oh i Don't have to only expect to be really peripheral in people's lives, or to only be friends with people i don't feel like i vibe with That much or also talk to that much about anything, when i can definitely feel like Yes this person is a Friend, no "are they actually closer to an acquaintance at this point" disclaimers needed, again, taking it back to the fact that friendship sure is Significant to me and when i have it that's v important thanks

so it's like uhhhh yeah difficult to make friends, don't have general appeal or whatever lol, ppl aren't on my wavelength or i'm not on theirs, hard to talk to people even though it's not because i don't/can't talk plenty lmfao.......and re: being Supportive it's like well, i don't really tell people In Person i'm autistic but naturally if you follow me Online here i am talking about it lol, and not like anyone who already knew me & was friends with me was like "oh nvm don't like interacting with you now" and i also gotta mention the like Handshake Lgbtq lifehack, where plenty of times it can be like, oh if we vibe on That wavelength it can be easier to befriend people, and/or that people will at least be more like, amicable / supportive based on Knowing you're handshake on that lol. b/c really it's like, i'd also like to just be allowed to talk and/or simply be around people even if we are not Personal Friends, aka that you can expect to be treated decently with some basic respect / consideration and like you're generally allowed to exist and be present and interact with people where you're not only guaranteed to Not be punished / excluded for it if someone's your individual friend and allows you to be here, so. once again it's like, can allistic ppl be normal for 5 min

#still behind on this naturally lmao but when it's now 1am and i've chosen to do a whole essay #it's like whew time to make dark dinner for now #30daysofautismacceptance #2021

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understandingthevoices · 4 years

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~ wrote a thing about identifying narcissistic abuse in the brown girl group i’m a part of since so many brown boys are narcs lmao and it was so well-received that I thought i would share here too ~

Recently a few people asked me how I became aware of my ex's personality disorder and how I started my healing process w/o a therapist (though if I had seen someone, perhaps this would have been faster)...

It's a LONG one but hopefully informative!!

So we had been on and off for years since college - with me realizing flaws he had and him making it up to me until the next one hit and so on and so forth (and I thought, yay! change! this can work***) - but then it came to a point where I told him enough was enough and we deserved to find people who made us happy and maybe we could revisit "us" in the future. But he cried and told me he couldn't lose me and wanted to actually try the "love" thing out... So, I allowed myself to believe he was for real -- and (somewhat) let down my emotional guards that I had held for self-preservation. Things seemed to be going okay - we would send each other hearts, talk about our future house, kids, etc and everything was fine and dandy, and I thought I was "happy" or "happy enough" - after all, I had the guy right? What more could I want?

But then, let me take you to a Friday afternoon at Trader Joes's, where I was grabbing my groceries and suddenly noticed something: along with her groceries, every woman was walking out with flowers, which I imagined was because of a scheduled date night. it seems so silly now, but at that moment, I broke down into tears because I realized I wanted that too - and if I continued in my old patterns only because it (he) was familiar and all I had known, I would never get that.

He would tell me about our beautiful future life together but wouldn't even take a 4 hour train to visit me.

Basically, He could talk a big talk, he could weave stories about anything to make me believe in us (and he was a MASTER storyteller and had a vivid imagination), but he couldn't walk the walk. Or rather, he didn't care to walk the walk. And if I brought these things up, he would belittle me or say he was busy, essentially reframing my needs as unimportant and not worthy of consideration. But then he would cover it up by saying our kids would be beautiful and smart, he would leave NYC to be in Boston for me, etc - and it was so easy to get sucked in, so tempting to believe this was only temporary.....

But then I would have insomniac nights, where I was filled with anxiety/sadness because I knew I wasn't happy - and the breakdown in Trader Joe's confirmed that

And he had already conditioned me into understanding that if I talked to him about these feelings, he would invalidate, ignore, and eventually bring them up later as ammunition (a favorite of his was “did you forget, we’re not a couple”, which was so hurtful and confusing af lmao)

Up until that point, I had maintained he was just "emotionally unavailable" or "commitmentphobic" and if he saw I wasn't going to nag him or push him into marriage, etc - he would realize it wasn't so scary and we could finally build a life together! It felt like we were moving in that direction, finally. But then every so often, I would have moments where the reality became a little too clear and there was little I could do to stop myself from breaking down.

And it was at my wit's end during these nights that I googled things like "why is he so emotionally distant" and stumbled upon a trove of gold Quora questions/answers - and once I discovered Quora, I went HAM.

Questions like...

"why does he try to make me jealous"

"why does he get mad when he sees me with other guys"

"why won't he commit"

"why won't he let me meet his friends"

"why does he not let me go" / "why does he keep holding on to me"

"why does he say he cares but not visit"

... And throughout all of this searching, one of the answers inevitably mentioned emotional abuse (and often narcissistic abuse) - and while I didn't initially think my situation was abusive, because it seemed like such a strong term, I was so desperate for answers and it came up so often that I said fcuk it, let's see what this is about.

So I googled "emotional abuse" and "narcissistic abuse" and read the stories of survivors, many of which echoed mine. I was shocked that these people had dated what seemed to be clones of my own ex. Many of them mentioned kids/divorce/etc and how they wish they had realized the signs sooner instead of wasting so many years with an emotional vampire, who would initially seem like your soulmate, ingratiate himself to you, praise you and put you on a pedestal, only to suck the life out of you through devaluing mechanisms and never listening to your needs, and discard you later (or stay until you stop giving them chances) - and then play the same game with the next victim, leaving a trail of broken people. They posted about the fake personalities, the emotional highs and lows, how he would leave and come back months/years later as if nothing had changed, etc - and things finally started making sense.

I had noticed many of these things - but without the awareness of narcissism - didn't know what to make of it. For example, when we were on our off-periods and he was out chasing Muslim girls, he (someone I had known as a frat fcukboy who would crush 20 beers in a night) became the sober, praying virtue-driven man. When he was out chasing someone else, he pretended to love Rupi Kaur poetry - even though we made fun of it together (no offense). I often felt like he seemed so ~different~ during these periods - and would call him out on it, but he would always deny it. But, looking back, I realize it wasn't just in my head as he wanted me to believe.

Luckily for me, he had grown to like one of these girls and we decided to take a break (later, I would realize he was trying to 'triangulate' me with her, but even back then I wouldn't succumb to his dumb games) -- which gave me much needed time to continue my Quora obsessiveness... and I went down the rabbit hole. Quora led me to narcissistic abuse recovery youtube channels and instagram accounts - which further opened my eyes to the lies I had been fed. It was heartbreaking but I began to realize his version of "love" (if you can even call his self-serving love that) was so different from mine - for him, it was latching onto someone who would validate him, give him the emotional supply he needed, and be there at his beck and call -- which I was happy to do if it was reciprocal, but of course it wasn't lol. It was completely one-sided and I let it happen because for me, the love I felt was genuine - not fabricated - and I thought that's what you do when you're in love (and it's what I saw growing up in my parent's relationship). I didn't want to believe it but the answer was clear as day - I had been conned into a fake relationship by someone who didn't have the capacity to love someone, and could only use them.

At this point, I realized ~5 years of on-and-off narcissistic abuse (and more than 2 decades of observing my parents' toxic marriage) would take a long time for me to heal from, but if I wanted to have any chance at a truly happy, healthy relationship (which I so earnestly did), I had to let him go. So I dived headfirst - watched at least 1-2 hours worth of videos every day, cried about the disrespect I had put up with, wrote pages and pages of text, etc - and became entrenched in this mode of self-improvement and inner child-finding. And I put them on my tumblr, so he would see them (I knew he was still checking up on me).

So when he inevitably came back because the girl he was chasing "was not who I thought she was" and wanted to be with me because I was so "perfect, knew him better than he knew himself, and so smart", I had the emotional wherewithal to tell him I didn't want this anymore -- and the little bits of changes he would make to attempt to gratify me - I could see through them and they were no longer enough. I think it was a last ditch attempt on his side - my tumblr posts made it obvious I was leveling up and wanted nothing more to do with him.

He was upset and told me he was talking to this girl on a dating app - but she was boring and a downgrade from me - and I just said, "cool". He then told me if I didn't want to try again, he would have no choice but to date her and see where it goes. And at that point, I just wanted him to leave me alone, as I knew anything with him would be a dead end. And I was TIRED. So to his surprise, I said go for it - and blocked him from everything and everywhere. I felt an immediate sense of relief, as I knew the nightmare was finally over and he was someone else's problem now. Of course, just like anyone else, I have my ups and downs too - but I'm definitely much better off.

Now? I haven't heard from him in over 2 years. I don't think I will - I told our mutual friends all about his deceit, post about it on my twitter, and make sure everyone knows how phony he is - and I think he realizes the ruse is over. I have found him out, and he knows he should stay away unless he wants me to expose him even more. I can hit him where it hurts and he is terrified - exactly where I like boys to be ;)

Anyways, last I heard, he's engaged to that girl he said was a downgrade (which isn't that surprising - since I gave him a narcissistic injury by leaving he knew he had to lock down the next one or she would leave too) - which is quite sad. I pray she sees the light before he takes too much away from her.

Hope it clears up things -- as always, feel free to PM me. More than happy to help anyone, especially if it means saving one of you from a toxic monster <3

***This is one of the subtle points that makes narcissists so difficult to identify: usually, when someone changes for you, it's because they like you and don't want to hurt you - compromise! that's what you do when you're in love, right? However, for a narcissist, it's not "love" - it's him realizing that if he wants to keep you trapped in his web of deceit, he needs to change - and this is true for both the beginning of the relationships and the whole duration. They don't have any integrity so they will change into whoever you want them to be, if it means you'll be attracted to them -- they are so good at reading you, figuring you out, and identifying your deepest desires/wants that they can transform into your idea of a perfect partner -- and they DO, but it's only a set up to manipulate you later. It's addicting to meet who you easily consider your "soulmate"... but in the end, you realize it was too good to be true.

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flexi-lexi · 7 years

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(/ω＼)ﾟ.+(〃ﾉωﾉ)ﾟ.+°50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

tagged by: NO ONE BUT @matsujunkie WANTS TO KNOW MORE ABOUT RANDOS SO HERE WE GO

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Bland food--unseasoned, monochromatic, flavorless food. Like, I legit feel a specific kind of depression when I eat flavorless food.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Commuting to work because it’s such a waste of time. The dream is to walk across the street and just be at work, that’d be amazing tbh

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I can type at like 94wpm lmao

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Public speaking--the sheer power behind good public speaking skills and general charisma is not to be underestimated.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: My bf let’s be real Also Emma Watson, Jay Park, T.O.P, Chris Pratt, Ryan Gosling, and Eiza González

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: I played, played, PLAYED all fuckin day. When I lived in my house in the Philippines, I felt like I always had a million things to do--I’m playing kickball in my garage, I’m playing dolls with my sister, I’m playing pretend chef with my mom, so many things. And when I think I’ve run out of things to do, I’ll just watch cartoons lol

7. What is something you’re proud of?: I’m extremely proud of my family, especially my parents who worked extremely hard and overcame so much struggle so that my siblings and I could have a brighter future.

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Lack of basic compassion and consideration for others

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: I don’t often consider myself a leader, but people have always said I exude the qualities of one. I’ll only be a leader if a group needs a leader. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ve ever been a follower, I’m more of a collaborator.

10. What kind of student are/were you?: I consider myself painfully average only because I hold myself to a painfully high standard. I think I did relatively well in high school and college, but I was always very hard on myself in high school for not getting straight A’s or not going straight to a reputable university. I’ve learned to ease up on myself in college. Instead, I learned how to be the laziest overachiever possible in college. My motto was, “What is the least amount of work I can do to still get an A- in this class???” lmao

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: When I decided to sit next to some goody-two-shoes looking girl in 5th grade (lowkey because I was also a goody-two-shoes and I knew she wouldn’t judge me). We’ve been best friends for 15 years.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: Cockroaches and the dark

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: As much as she annoys me, Sakura from Naruto is probably the most relatable character because she’s someone who has so much potential but struggled so much to become a better version of herself. She annoyed me in her early days because she was so useless but I think that quality in her annoyed me so much because I’m also kinda useless and I hate that about myself haha

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I’m the social butterfly drunk; I suddenly become an extrovert and I’m just annoying af because I just scream my words at everyone. Alternatively, sober me is typically a recluse at parties--I will hang out with my phone, anyone I actually know, or the resident pet. Which is why I tend to drink at parties--I take the term “social lubricant” quite literally.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: Yes, it’s the absolute fucking worst. I hate it. I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I’m trying to lower my expectations of people bit by bit until it’s at a safe level where I can look out for myself.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: 1 close friend, 200%

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: I am a neat-freak at heart and my dream is to stay that way, but I’m also a really lazy person who can’t be bothered to pick up after myself until something’s been on the floor for 5 months and I start to notice it again.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: A porch on a gloomy October day facing an autumn forest. Alternatively, the same porch but on an early July morning when the sun is just creeping up.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: No kids. I’m very wishy washy about kids. I tell myself I don’t want kids, but I still think about it every once in a while. Most recently I think I’ve been having baby fever because I keep imagining what my child would look like if I had one with my bf and what kind of personality he or she would have and how they would call me as their mom (mommy? ma? nay? mi? who knows) and how cool my kid would be if I could get it to speak English, Tagalog, and Korean. I don’t know if this is just a phase or if it will only get worse and more insistent as I get older...

20. What was your favorite book as a child?: The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: Juicing??? Why are people so into juice and like expensive af juice??

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: lol free education

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: Probably my papa’s grandpa, Alex Sr. Three generations named after him and I don’t know a thing about him, who he was or what he looked like.

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Save a life

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I generally prefer not to rock the boat. I wish I was more straightforward, but the reason why I’m not is because I tend to get very emotional over things on which I have a strong opinion, and that doesn’t help me state my case at all. I think I’m learning to be more outspoken, though, especially because certain things just touch a nerve with me.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: My entire middle school life and parts of my high school life was a dumb fad tbh lol

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: Being punk/emo lmao

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: Conviction; the ability to stand up for what you believe in

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): I guess it depends on the person or my situation? Like, my bf always gives me necklaces and he needs to stop my parents always give me furniture and household items because I’m always too poor to buy my own. But overall I don’t think I get any one particular gift on the regular...

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: If by “speak” you mean “learned and know subconsciously but too afraid to practice,” then yes I speak multiple languages aside from English: Tagalog, Japanese, and Italian. I really want to learn Korean next, but where to find time and money......

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Probably the big city because I’ve always been a city girl and I easily get bored without stimulation. But I also tend to get irritated by excessive noise and hubub, so if I could get a suburb that’s closer to the city side (where there’s more to do than just eat burgers, watch movies, and go bowling), then yeah that’d be awesome.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: The book All Quiet on the Western Front. I saw clips of the film adaptation in high school and thought it was the most boring thing in the world. But then I had to read the book in college and it nearly brought me to tears.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: In my imagination, I crave attention and want to be the center of it. But irl I push that shit away because when the attention is on me I become awkward.

34. Favorite holiday?: Christmas

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: I think in my heart I’m a Type B, spontaneous, go-with-the-flow type of person, but when I try to be that way I just get anxiety because my mind is too Type A to allow it to happen.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): Italy, hands down.

37. What hobbies do you have?: lol i hate this question because i’m reminded of how boring i am as a person watching TV, listening to music, reading, cooking, practicing makeup (a.k.a. watching makeup tutorials all day), occasional exercise, karaoke, eating, spending time with family

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: I really want to fucking fly but if it’s only “mildly useful” does that I mean my power will fail from time to time??? Because I am absolutely not down to fall at any point. So I guess invisibility? Because the power itself is mildly useful--what the fuck am I gonna do with it? Eavesdrop? Become a voyeur??

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: It varies. 1) That I’m into cars (because people assume that girls aren’t interested in cars???) 2) That I’m a nerd (because I’ve learned to keep it on the DL lol) 3) That I wasn’t born here lmao (because apparently my English is “so good” lol bye)

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That things pretty much never happen that way you plan or hope, but that things still somehow always fall into place.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: All of my major injuries occurred when I was just a baby so I have no recollection of any of it. I think the worst was when a cookie jar fell and smashed on my tender two-year-old cranium lol

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Sure, maybe old-timey b&w crime scene photos, especially the super gruesome ones because when it’s b&w it’s somehow less nauseating to look at. I also love “true” ghost stories and reading creepypastas and shit, even though I know it could potentially keep me up at night. Strangely enough, despite these fascinations, I still hate horror films. Go figure. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

43. Describe your sense of humor: Lots of slapstick, good deal of self-deprecation, a little bit of sarcasm. Bonus: I have a great appreciation for dry humor, but I can’t do dry humor.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? As a historian, as much as I admire certain eras, I know better than to ask to be born in a time when I’m way more likely to contract polio or the bubonic plague or be enslaved by Spaniards. I also thoroughly enjoy modern conveniences such as running water and grocery stores LOL I think I want to be born in the ‘80s in the U.S. so I can experience the joy, excitement, and prosperity of the ‘90s in the U.S. It seems like a very minute difference given that I was born in ‘92, but I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of the ‘90s because I was way too young to appreciate it.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: ~ S P O R T S ~

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: Being kicked out of the house lmao Forreal tho, it was an extremely tough and humbling experience, but I’m really happy to be independent. Strangely enough, I feel like I have a much greater sense of love and appreciation for my parents now that they’re not always breathing down my neck LOL

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Ugly tattoo in an inconvenient place. Because imho a tattoo in the middle of my face, regardless of the level of artistry, is an ugly tattoo anyway, and it’s one that I'll have a harder time concealing.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: I’d like to think of myself as an optimist but I think I come off as a pessimist. Does that makes me a realist? I don’t know but I just told my bf to stop buying lottery tickets because he never wins. You tell me what that makes me lol

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: If someone ever told me I was “cool.” Because I’ve lived my whole life never thinking I was ever “cool.” Not “cool” as in “I want everyone to like me,” but “cool” like the way I look at someone who has accomplished something that changed the world or someone who stood their ground and gave no fucks about what others thought or someone with a fabulous and unique sense of style. If someone ever told me I was “cool,” to me it means they see something in me that’s admirable or even enviable, and I can’t even begin to fathom how they see those things in me but wow ok yeah cool I’ll take it thank you

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: Over the years I’ve put up a front of being super happy-go-lucky, even though I’m actually not like that 100% of the time. So on days when I just don’t feel like engaging with people, people just assume I’m angry or sad about something like no I just don’t wanna talk to people rn bye

Tagging: anyone who wants to open up to me, @me because i find these things fascinating as hell

#about me #i find this therapeutic

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gendermesenpai-blog · 6 years

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7:38am

welp

I’m actually doing pretty ok right now. I cut back on weed again. I’m not buying flower for a while. I’m probably going to work on getting some wax at some point but I’m doing ok right now. Uber has really been helping in terms of just having enough to eat a little bit everyday. I do wish I was eating more but c’est la vie. I just did some math and figured out how much money I will make before I leave for Europe. It’s just under $8000. Rent will be around $2000 in that time. Food expenses around $750. Wax could be as much as $1000 in that time. But at the end of the day I should be able to put away around $4000 if I am very dilligent about my spending. Obviously this doesn’t take into account various messwork related expenses which are difficult to predict - I could say that one gatorskin per month would leave me with about $300 less. But that’s not really worth considering since it will probably be much more than that, because tires are not the only expense in messwork. I am still planning on buying some more bike parts and that might run me up to $300 just on seatpost, stem and bars. Maybe a new fork since this Bontrager carbon fork is making me a little nervous lately from flexing. I do put a lot of hurt on my bike. It’s within reason that a cheap carbon fork (retail around $100) might weaken and snap from the constant daily pressure I’ve been putting on it. It was super stiff when I got it though since whoever rode this bike before me was probably just commuting ~1mi. And here I am putting in average of 30mi/day on it. It’s also all scratched up, might be worth upgrading just for the steez.

I’m feeling pretty good about my transition despite the fact I am 5 months in and still not as femme as I would like. It’s slow going, but progress is certainly being made. Thinking back on when my lil titty bumps started coming in and how it suddenly felt like there was this golfball sized lump in there. And now it’s advanced to, like.... half a apple? Like a small apple cut in half. So surreal! My face still looks kinda the same in the mirror, like it’s just kinda stuck in this halfway zone between masc and femme. My waist is tightening, I’m starting to get more of the buckled hourglass shape around my abdomen. And I sense some growth in my butt. Not sure how much. Difficult to measure that since I can’t easily see it and also because I’m not really measuring anything in this whole process. Emotionally I actually feel better on average since I’ve started cutting down on weed. I was so worried that if I sobered up I would start regretting stuff but no actually I just feel normal and good. When I looked in the mirror this morning I was like ooooh Hi. lol. I’m making enough progress that I think I can feel proud now of how far I’ve come.

Haven’t really been making much music. Just a couple beats here and there, a few bars if I think of something I like. This is something I think the weed was helping with for sure - I wrote literally every song on the LTC EP while I was high out of my mind, and drunk too in some cases. I am still so embarassed about the show I did. That kinda put the brakes on my creative output because I am too self conscious about it now. But I sense that it’s fading and I will probably end up back where I was at some point once I get over the hump from that setback.

When the muscle loss initially started I felt like the muscles were the same size, they just didn’t work the same anymore, didn’t recover as quickly etc. Now, the muscles are visibly and noticeably smaller. I had a pair of men’s pants that I bought when I went out to dinner with my brother in January, just before I started hormones. I remember those jeans being so tight on my quads that it was actually uncomfortable to wear them at all, let alone ride my bike in them with my muscles actually flexing. The other day I wore them out for a couple Uber runs and I noticed how loose they were on my quads. So weird because in the 5 months since I started hormones, I have only increased my output. I went from only working 3-4 days a week for Epic, some days doing as little as 15 miles, laying around being a poop the rest of the time, to now doing on average a minimum of 25-30 miles a day, everyday, including weekends, and sometimes as much as 40-50. So while my muscles appear to be shrinking and becoming weaker, I am actually somehow, paradoxically, becoming stronger. Yesterday my Strava said I got PRs on two segments that are actually kinda tough, one is a long section of flats downtown where the wind is almost always murder. It was brutal yesterday, and I remember crawling along, huffing and puffing and feeling sorry for myself about how weak I am now or whatever, and when I exited the section I remember being like, jesus, how is nobody noticing how slow I am these days? I can’t even ride with the other messengers anymore, blah blah. And then I check my Strava and it’s like, oh, no, actually you got a PR there. That was the fastest you’ve ever done that segment, by a good few seconds too. So, it’s like, I am still fast as shit, actually faster than before, but somehow it just feels like I’m not. It feels like I have to work super hard to get anywhere, and I’m always heaving and panting every time I arrive to my destination. But I get there fast as fuck and that’s what really matters as a messenger. So I guess I don’t have much to worry about there. My spiro dose went up to 100mg/day this month from 50 and there was initially what felt like a big drop off in terms of muscle function. But it’s really all good. I just worry too much I guess. But things are going well! It feels like I’m approaching the halfway mark in my transformation into an anime girl. Probably not really the case, it’s been slow going all along so I should expect the halfway point to be 1 year, and complete-ish around 2 years. But instead I’m like, nooo, I’ll be transformed by 1 year, the journey will be over! Unrealistic. But exciting.

I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m more functional than I’ve ever been. I have actual plans and goals. I’m living in a really nice house. I have a decent enough job. It’s just so weird when I actively think about how all this is working out. Considering 2-3 years ago I had no fucking idea I was trans. I was just barely working out that there was something going on with my gender shit but I had no idea I was fully gril. And now I’m like, um, excuse me sweetie *sashay away*

The other night I talked to C on Skype and at one point I kind of randomly started using my voice and talking about how I should practice more and it sounds bad because I don’t practice. And I was like halfway through the second sentence when she realized what I was doing and her eyes went all wide and she squealed. And her being excited made me excited haha and now I want to practice it more. It’s tough though, it’s a tough thing. I want to work on it but it can feel a bit silly at times, like I’m performing somehow. It will take some time to get away from that feeling so that I can appreciate the truth which is that the boy voice was the real performance all along. My natural speaking voice is, and it’s hard to admit this I guess, but it has what some people would refer to as a gay affectation to it. And I’ve always just sort of hidden it away. No one has ever really heard me speak naturally. I have always been acting. Since I begun my transition, I’ve been letting more of it out in daily speech. Little bit of vocal fry here and there, little bit of valley girl twang. No one seems to really notice or care.

It rained all week last week and I felt like shit for days. Today it’s supposed to rain again and I’m like ugh. Enough with the sky water please. But in any case I feel pretty good. Oh, I’ve started up a new character on Skyrim! Trying out Skyrim Special Edition. They ported the game to 64 bit so it runs way better now than the original PC version did. I waited like a whole year since this new version came out so that the modders could move everything over. It’s pretty fun actually. So often I find myself unable to enjoy a game because it feels pointless. But in this case I am kind of just using it as a distraction from my other addiction issues. And it’s working well. I’ve been watching all these lore videos on youtube and it’s got me excited about TES universe and finding various secrets and things that I never knew about before. I’ve probably put like a thousand hours or more into Skyrim over the years and there is somehow still stuff in the game that I haven’t seen. Literally within like an hour of starting the new game I discovered a dungeon I had never seen before with a unique item reward I didn’t even know existed. My character is a femme Breton mage who I named Simone after Simone de Beauvoir. Mostly pure mage but some archery and stealth as well. Usually when I roll mages I end up spec’ing Battlemage or Spellsword but this time I want to try to do full mage with no armor or hand to hand weapons at all. In all this time I’ve spent in Skyrim I never bothered to have my mage characters learn armor spells or wards. There is a new mod that adds a bunch of new lore-friendly spells including proximity runes that you can set as traps, I haven’t even tried them yet and I’m already excited about how that will change my play style. I’ve been playing from the time I get home til around midnight for the last 2 nights. Helps keep my mind off drinking and smoking and keeps me away from the roommates so I don’t do or say anything stupid that could affect their perception of me. Cus that’s a whole thing I have to worry about yayyy. The other night I was drinking with N and somehow she got me like confessing about how I smoke so much because of my social anxiety and shit and she was like “really???? oh that’s so interesting” smh and I think she really meant that, what a weirdo. I almost came out to her right there haha. Like, oh you think that’s something? Wait til you hear what I’ve done to my endocrine system...

Ok gotta shave and stuff and get ready to go. *sashayyyyy away*

EDIT: Oh shit, bossman just texted me and said to stay home! FUCK YES SKYRIM ALL DAY OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

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