#so why do the most annoying stage of editing and then do the hard vulnerable thing of publishing stuff to get v little back

[inkhansky]

Lonely

Suddenly I feel lonely. I like being alone, but there are time like this that I feel so lonely, like I have no one to tell them that I'm lonely. I have no one that I feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. I can't tell anyone that I'm not ok, because I don't want people to worry, and I feel bad if I make people worry. I mean I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings without any judgement, or feeling like they have to do something for me.

There was a time that I had someone that I can talk about all this stuff. It was a time that I feel like I was allowed to be emotional. But, thinking back, I don't think it was good for me. I am not meant to be emotional. As cliche as it sound, emotions made me weak. I grew up believing that I have to do everything for myself and never able to rely on anyone. Then, things changed and I started to rely on someone else beside myself at probably one of the most difficult time in my life so far. And what did I get? I was discarded the moment I needed help the most. I was right all along, I am the only person in this world that will be there for me, no one else. But it's lonely.

There is so much that my cat would listen to me before she gets annoyed and just go inside her nook to take a nap without having me disturbing her. There is a friend that so similar to me that I know they wouldn't like it if I to be dumping all this emotional crap on her. There is a friend that I don't even know we are even close enough to be talk about this stuff. There are so many people I thought about sending a message asking them if we could talk, but stopping myself as soon as the thought came out, not wanting to burden them.

So here I am, on this blog that probably no one will read, unless I randomly disappear and my family care enough to hire a PI to look into it, and they find this. Hi person who was hired to look for me. I swear I am not depressed, well maybe I am, I can't say for sure since I'm not a psychiatrist. Anyway, I lost my Switch at the airport few weeks ago. It was my fault, I was half asleep. I am so grateful that I was in a financial stage where I literally got a new one within the day. And I was able to recover almost all of my data, even one that I thought I forever lost, which I would be super devastated about, but wouldn't be able to tell anyone (talk about 770+ hours on ACNH). I have been dealing with this all by myself. I can't tell my mom because she would say that I shouldn't have spend money on something so trivial. I have come to an acceptance that my mom will never see gaming as something important. I can't tell my friend because they would think I wasted money. So here I am grieving my limited edition switch, and my first pair of custom joy-con that I did myself. It's not the monetary value that I'm grieving but the sentimental value of that thing.

Wow, that was a tangent. Maybe what I'm feeling right now is not just the random loneliness, maybe it has been building up for a while. ORRRRRRR maybe I'm just PMSing. Honestly, why is being a girl so dang hard. I don't even know if I'm actually sad or my hormones are just going crazy.

Well, at least I feel better after letting all that out.

To the unfortunate PI that has to go through all these posts. If I really disappear, I probably don't want to be found. So you can use this section to tell my family to stop looking for me, or do look for me, I'm not the one paying you, so what power do I have.

To the person who is not a PI reading this, I don't know what brought you here but you should leave. I already felt mortified by the thought of someone reading this ( as I am writing as posting this on the internet, yes).

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

#twilight #twilight renaissance #twilight meta #edward cullen #i stared too long and the twilight abyss gazed back #long post #major credit due to therealvinelle for having basically all the ideas already #theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin too since they agree and build off each other's metas a lot #idk how people who write meta can just crank these posts out i've been here for two hours #edited to add stuff i forgot to mention about edward's disproportionately violent fantasies

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME ⟶ THIS WAY UP / 1.02 –– 1.04 always feel free to tweak the sentence to fit your muse.

“Two for the price of one this morning, was it?”

“You shouldn’t buy cigarettes on the street.”

“No wonder you’re single.”

“I have no soul, you know that.”

“There’s such different consequences having sex when you’ve got a penis compared to a vagina.”

“I could have kept that one in my mouth, actually, instead of letting it come out.”

“Can you officially be friends, please?”

“If he doesn’t hate me, and there’s a strong chance that he might, I’ll come back again.”

“It’s where you hold your sadness.”

“They were having sex so loudly, it was like two alley cats punching each other in the face.”

“Natural beauty, what a bitch.”

“She feels the same way as me about work at the moment, that it’s destroying her soul.”

“Nobody understands the economy, that’s why people blame everything on immigrants.”

“I’m going to waste away, like a leaf at the end of autumn.”

“I do realize I’m a bit of a dickhead.”

“I hate the way men don’t talk about their feelings, or pain.”

“I think that vulnerability is seen as a weakness.”

“We’re like two sexy Yodas passing on wisdom.”

“I can’t talk, but what’s up?”

“I’m a giant stupid idiot.”

“I actually feel physically embarrassed at myself, like I’m actually cringing in my soul at the moment.”

“Are you on drugs?”

“Maybe rule number one is that we have to take a shot every time we say sorry.”

“Your timekeeping is a joke.”

“Are you sure there won’t be any dragons you have to slay en route?”

“Have you ever known a better song?”

“Nice to see you’re keeping all the secrets I tell you.”

“It’s okay, though it is a bit of a sad story.”

“Her hat collection fell on top of him.”

“He was smothered to death by hats.”

“You don’t need to hang around here with us.”

“I do have to leave because I’ve got places to go and stuff.”

“Your boobs are as intense as your ass.”

“We’re watching that murdered nun documentary.”

“You sound like a Cockney criminal.”

“Just pretend it never happened.”

“She hates houses that have private bathrooms and underfloor heating.”

“I moved my toothbrush in three weeks ago.”

“I’d feel bad asking you to do that.”

“He’s nice, a little bit weird like you.”

“Don’t walk around my house getting bacteria all over the place.”

“It’s not good for you to be hanging around the house all day.”

“You don’t need to threaten me.”

“I’m not threatening you.”

“Fine, I’ll leave this house full of lies and deceit.”

“I texted her last week to see if she was dead, so.”

“Male energy is very exotic to you.”

“You’re very starstruck by male energy.”

“You’ve got a fire in you and you can use that to heat yourself up, or you can use that to burn yourself and everyone else around you down.”

“Did you punch him in the balls?”

“I want to say that I punched him in the balls, but no, I went into the toilet and cried.”

“I’ve actually never done shots before.”

“I know he’s enemy number one.”

“My brain’s a bit shit.”

“God, how do I end up in these fucking situations.”

“Pretend to have your mind blown.”

“Thanks very much for paying for everything but I think you’ll agree that you got your money’s worth and it’s time for me to go and never call me again, okay?”

“Who the fuck is that on my couch?”

“Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?”

“He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“He’s the only person in the world who cares about me.”

“If you want to kick him out on the street then just do it.”

“I am gonna kill you in the morning.”

“You are a fucking idiot.”

“I am so fucking angry with you right now.”

“I don’t think he’d have sex with you if he saw you with your retainer in.”

“You haven’t talked to her in months.”

“She’s old, you have to forgive her.”

“She’s only old when she wants to be.”

“She won’t die, she’s too stubborn.”

“We’re too different, we’ll never get along.”

“I’m stuck in the middle of this bullshit and it’s not fair.”

“We will fight them on the beaches.”

“Don’t point it out or people will notice.”

“You look like your father in the 70s.”

“So, I look like a dead man?”

“Don’t be gentle with me like I’m an old one.”

“We’ll put you in a wheelchair and roll you down the hill.”

“Do you know you’re like Willy Wonka?”

“I wasn’t interrupting, that’s how conversations work.”

“How come you’re allowed to interrupt but I’m not?”

“He says people recycle them but no one ever does.”

“You never told me there was a man on the go.”

“You’ve no sense of humor.”

“I would have laughed so hard if it backfired and you feel right on your face.”

“Today’s not about me, I don’t want to make a fuss.”

“Just treat me like a normal person.”

“This is demeaning on so many levels.”

“I have a proper job at Buzzfeed.”

“I just want to say how wonderful it is to have you here with us today.”

“Time myst be a pressure at this stage.”

“None of us are getting any younger.”

“I actually don’t want kids.”

“You always think you don’t want kids, and then you change your mind.”

“I’m going to throw caution to the wind and eat with my hands.”

“You never know real love until you have children.”

“Even if he murdered someone I’d still love him unconditionally.”

“If he murdered someone I’d get a spade to dig a grave and cover it up.”

“Why am I a murderer?”

“I don’t think you need to be a mother to know unconditional love.”

“It’s nice to see your face.”

“She thought France was the capital of France.”

“I want you to help me choose because I always get this wrong.”

“They always get annoyed when I put their picture on Instagram without editing.”

“Could somebody blow the candles out before the house burns down.”

“Are you pissed off with me?”

“Why are you so angry all the time?”

“I wanted you to come and get me.”

“I wanted you to come down to that place and take me out of there.”

“I wanted you to take me home and make me better.”

“Those people in there knew what they were doing.”

“What help would I have been?”

“I just wanted you to try.”

“I left her for three months because I didn’t want her.”

“I just want you to find someone who’ll make you see that you’re brilliant.”

“A man isn’t gonna fix me.”

“You could just ring me sometimes.”

“You have to work out how to use facetime.”

“Most of my friends, half of them are dead.”

“Did you kill them?”

“I only killed one friend because she was so fucking annoying.”

“That’s a bit of an anticlimax.”

“You have to be careful with men.”

“They don’t always get jokes.”

“Annoyingly, she didn’t get us return tickets.”

#rp meme #roleplay meme #sentence meme #sentence starters #starter sentences #KIND / SENTENCE. #KIND / IN CHARACTER. #BASED ON / TV SHOW.

[myrecordcollections]

Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg

Beautiful Love

@ 1968 US Pressing

******

Jane Birkin was the longtime muse and partner of the classic French songwriter Serge Gainsbourg. And from the moment they recorded “Je T’Aime … Moi Non Plus,” a cheerfully (and explicitly) erotic duet that became a major succès de scandale, she became one of his greatest interpreters. Even after their breakup, she continued to sing the songs he wrote for her in her delicate, vulnerable voice.

Ms. Birkin enjoyed an acting career that took her from a bit part in Antonioni’s “Blow-Up” to film and stage work with Agnès Varda and Patrice Chéreau. And, of course, her beauty and style transfixed generations of fashionistas, and inspired the pricey Birkin bag from Hermès.

Now, at 71, Ms. Birkin is taking on a new challenge. She recently recorded a set of Gainsbourg songs, accompanied by a full orchestra, for the album “Birkin/Gainsbourg: Le Symphonique,” and is now on a world tour with them that will bring her to Carnegie Hall on Thursday.

In a telephone interview, she suggested that the idea was not as odd as it sounds — noting that Gainsbourg was known to incorporate melodies by Chopin, Brahms and Grieg — and spoke candidly about love, art and loss. Here are edited excerpts from the conversation.

Ms. Birkin performing Gainsbourg’s songs with full orchestra last year in Paris. Ms. Birkin performing Gainsbourg’s songs with full orchestra last year in Paris.Credit...Laurent Viteur/WireImage You’re really the keeper of the Gainsbourg flame. What is it about his songs that continues to fascinate?

I would have thought that he was probably France’s most modern writer: He invented a new language, he cut words in two like Cole Porter. He didn’t just have one phase, like other great French writers, who stayed in the same sort of mode. He never stopped running ahead. It was amazing that he was popular at all, given that he was so far ahead of his time.

He wrote for me from 1968 until the day he died [in 1991]. They’re not always the most well known, the songs that I sang, but they’re among the most beautiful. And the most tear-jerky, in a way, was when I left him. Why he went on asking me to interpret the songs that I had inspired I don’t know — but perhaps he knew that I’d be faithful at least to that.

The idea of taking the songs — which are so rooted in different styles, from pop to chanson to yé-yé to reggae — and making them orchestral sounds counterintuitive. But I understand classical music was important to him. How so?

A lot of the songs he wrote, not only for me but for others, were from classical music. So “Jane B.” was Chopin.

Whenever he wanted to give us something really beautiful, he sometimes wrote it on classical music — perhaps out of a sort of modesty, of always being so admiring of classical work that somehow he wanted to give us the best. From his pianist days — he was a pianist at a bar in Le Touquet [a seaside town in northern France], and his father was a classical musician — it was from his upbringing that he knew so much about classical music. Brahms was “Baby Alone in Babylone.”

Did he listen to much classical music?

He did when his mother died. He had bouts of wanting to be sad, and then he would put on classical music. Glenn Gould he always had under his elbow. And he had, on his little table, a picture of Chopin, and Chopin’s hand.

Is it harder or simpler to sing songs that were written for you, that must bring up so many memories?

When he first gave them to me, they were personal — and then I was not necessarily the best receiver. I sometimes thought that he had a hidden message. And, actually, when I listen to the words now, they’re even more beautiful than I understood then. Many sad things have happened now, like Kate [one of her daughters, who died in 2013]. So if I think of anything, I sometimes think of her.

It sounds as if this project had its roots in that tragedy.

I wasn’t very good on my own. I didn’t know what to do. I realized the importance of going into other people’s lives, of going to the cinema — I’d sometimes see three, four films a day, sometimes see two, three plays a week. To understand other people’s stories, not to think about yourself so much. It helps, other people’s stories. Somehow singing Serge’s songs, and knowing that people would have memories, probably about when I sang them first, that’s rather nice.

What was it like recording a sexually charged song like “Je T’Aime … Moi Non Plus,” knowing it was written for Gainsbourg’s ex, Brigitte Bardot, who did not want their recording of it released because she was married to someone else? Was that strange?

No, no — I didn’t want anybody else to sing it! Serge rang me up years after that and he said, “I’ve got some bad news for you.” And I said: “What? Say it quickly, then.” And he said, “Brigitte’s been on the phone and she wants to bring out ‘Je T’Aime’ — her version.” I remember thinking that that was quite just and proper, because it was her song. I still find her version very troubling — it’s a lovely and gorgeous version — so, if anything, I have to thank her for not wanting it to come out.

I understand you plan to publish your diaries?

Yes, I’m trying to translate them into French, even now. There are funny things, charming things with Serge — but pretty depressing personal stuff. It was much more about how disheartened I was, of not being pretty.

From the outside looking in, that’s hard to believe. Few people have been more glamorous, or more universally considered beautiful.

I know it must be annoying when people say that — I’ve read about really beautiful people saying, “Well, I didn’t think I was much,” and I think, “Oh God, with looks like that, I could have sunk a ship.” It’s true that if you’re not with the person you love, and they’re not looking at you, then it doesn’t matter what you look like.

NY Times 

#Serge Gainsbourg #Jane Birkin #Beautiful Love #60s #Chanson #1968 #orchestral

[onestowatch]

Conjuring the Magic of Youth, bloody white Opens Up About the“first time” [Premiere + Q&A]

Photos: Brighton Galvan

As we grow older, the memories of our youth begin to fade and with it, our recollection of what it was like to experience the peaks and valleys of life for the first time. Yet through music, we can relive those experiences and re-remember the exact feelings associated with most formative moments of our youth.

For 20-year-old, artist, songwriter, producer and mixing & mastering engineer bloody white, the trials and tribulations of youth are sitting at his doorstop, much of which are still packaged by the unknown. The Santa Barbara-based wunderkind began tinkering with beats at age 11, moving on to write fully crafted songs in his teens. Self-taught in his childhood bedroom, bloody is a rarity in the music industry, as he not only writes and performs his music, but produces, mixes and masters his work as well.

Cutting through the noise with break out single “tongue tied” earlier this year, bloody’s unique blend of anti-pop, punk, electronic and lo-fi hip hop allows for an active listening experience, one that is both intriguing and magically captivating. Fresh on the horizon with new music just around the corner, bloody releases the next single “first time” off his debut EP you’d walk right over me, due Sept. 9. 

A song chronicling his first intimate experience with a girl he truly loved, bloody outlines the profound impact the encounter made on him musing, "First time, / I could hardly move / It’s like the first time / And I don’t know what to do / And you just pause time, And you lose yourself inside my breath.”  

Sonically he plays with an amalgamation of sounds and the juxtaposition of heavy and light percussion, mirroring the vulnerable yet explosive sentiment attached to his experience. Highly emotive in his vocal performance, bloody reminds us all of what it’s like to express love for the first time. Accompanied by home-video stylized video, edited by Jay Seba, bloody creates a distinct feeling of nostalgia, featuring moments captured from his everyday life during this very unique period in his life.  

We had the chance to catch up with bloody white on a range of subjects from his first experiences with music to the grappling with mental health, a subject that has become the crux of his upcoming debut. Read on below…

Ones to Watch: Where does your story with music begin?

bloody white: I’ve been listening to music since before I can remember, just hearing whatever my parents put on. But I really started to get into music when I got my first laptop and pirated as much Coldplay, Deadmau5, and Daft Punk as my hard drive could hold. I got really into EDM when Dubstep became a meme back in 2011-2012 and that set me on a path to learning production.  But it wasn’t until later that I began to write lyrics and sing over my instrumentals.

Where do you see that story ending?

I really don’t think it’ll ever end.  Even if in the future i’m not making as much music, I’ll always be a fan of other artists.  

What is your favorite and least favorite part of the solo creation process?  

My favorite part would have to be building the instrumental from the ground up.  To me, nothing really comes close to getting lost in the creation of an instrumental. My least favorite part is definitely mixing/mastering.  It just isn’t as creatively fulfilling as the earlier stages of the song creation, but maybe i just need to learn to be more patient.

You can only listen to one album for the rest of your life, what is it?

That’s a really good question. If i absolutely had to pick, it’d be ‘The Definition’ by Jon Bellion

What was the inspiration behind your newest single “first time”?  

The inspiration came from me reflecting on the first time I had sex with a girl that i was in love with, and how drastically different it felt from any other personal experience up to that point.  I’ve had a lot of firsts in my life so far, but that one was unlike anything else.

Tell us about the making of the song’s home-made visual companion and what the significance of going the home-video style was for you?  

The process was pretty laid back: just bringing a camera with me whenever I went out for a couple months and capturing as much of myself and my friends as I could before it got annoying.  As far as the home-video style, I just really like how tape camera footage looks aesthetically and of course there’s also a comforting nostalgic element to it as well. 

Your debut EP ‘you’d walk right over me‘ covers such subjects as suicidal thoughts and addiction. Can you tell us about your personal experience with mental health?    

Yeah, I mean I’ve struggled with bouts of pretty severe OCD since I was a kid and was never really sure what was causing them. And by the time I got into high school I was totally consumed with obsessive thoughts and strange compulsions, which made everyday life quite tedious and difficult.  I would have panic attacks multiple times a day and have trouble focusing on anything but my thoughts.  My four years in high school were pretty rough because of that, but having been through all of that, I was slowly able to start recognizing useless thought patterns and dig myself out of the hole I was in. So, thankfully i’m in a much much better place than i was several years ago.

Can you tell us about a time of significant pain in your life that transformed into strength?  

I think all of high school was pretty difficult due to my mental illness and self destructive behaviors, but if i hadn’t gone through any of that I don’t think I’d be able to understand myself or relate to people the way i do now.

If you could give the younger you one piece of advice, what would that be?

Don’t be a dick to yourself.

Who are your Ones to Watch?  

There’s this dude I found on Soundcloud that goes by JKuch who’s been putting out some really innovative stuff.  I don’t know what genre he’d fit in to but that’s probably part of why I like him so much.  Great voice, insane production and overall just makes killer tracks. And if you’re just looking for some grimy beats there’s this guy that goes by Yojas. on soundcloud.  Dude makes some of the craziest hip hop/trap beats I’ve ever heard. Highly recommend.  

Check out the video for “first time” below! 

#bloody white #first time #pop #alt #electronic #interview

[theconservativebrief]

Instagram can be a stressful place. It’s full of perfect bodies, perfect faces, perfect vacations, perfect children, perfect lives. Of course, none of those people are really as flawless as they seem when you’re mindlessly scrolling through your feed. Still, it can take a psychological toll, at least on me.

Which is why Grombre is such a corrective. The account, now 29,000 followers strong, features women of all ages with various stages of gray and graying hair. “Grombre” is a play on “ombré,” a trend in hair color that was ubiquitous a few years ago. The look could be anything from a gradual color gradation to a more severe dip-dyed look with a demarcated line between the two colors. In this case, gray is one of the colors.

I have a head full of gray hiding and fighting to come out from under the 20-plus years and thousands of dollars’ worth of blonde hair dye I’ve been heaping on it. The idea of ever stopping is terrifying to me. But this feed full of beaming, confident women has started to make me see it differently. As I wrote in my piece on the rebranding of anti-aging skin care, the best way to normalize aging is to portray what it really looks like. And wow, does Grombre do that, in the best possible way.

The account features an ex-Olympian, women who have gone through addiction, new moms, and women who are annoyed that their husbands are going silver without even giving it a second thought. So many of them have even embraced their grays to the extent that their Instagram handles reflect it: young_and_gray, saltandpeperpixie, gray.and.beyond. It’s a place for celebration and for commiseration during the growing-out process, which can take years.

Grombre is the brainchild of Martha Truslow Smith, a 26-year-old graphic designer who found her first gray hair at 14. She decided to stop dyeing at 24 and started Grombre in July 2016. The page grew slowly until it received a mention in a Refinery29 story. Since then, its followers have shot up from 8,000 in July to 29,000 now.

Truslow Smith doesn’t want the account to be perceived as a judgment call against women who choose to still dye their hair, because she understands there are many reasons that they do it: security, confidence, self-care. “I am addressing the women who are really feeling ashamed and embarrassed, or might even have allergies to hair dye but are still doing it. I want to ask them why,” she says.

Grombre founder Martha Truslow Smith. Martha Truslow Smith

Here, Truslow Smith talks about what the reaction has been like to her going gray in her 20s and the feedback she gets about the Grombre account.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Cheryl Wischhover

How did you come up with “Grombre”?

Martha Truslow Smith

If you ever see someone growing their hair out, especially in those first couple of months, it looks like a mistake. We’re not exactly used to seeing people with half-dyed brown hair and then tons of roots. It’s this question of, “Did she miss her hair appointment? What’s going on?” So that whole process is awkward, it’s long, it’s uncomfortable, it’s vulnerable, and there’s not really a word for it. If you are growing out your gray roots, essentially it’s gray at the roots and then your old dye color at the end.

Cheryl Wischhover

So tell me why you started Grombre.

Martha Truslow Smith

I’m 26 years old, which I’m sure comes as a surprise to most people. They probably think I’m a bit older, but that’s kind of the point for me. A couple of years ago, I was flipping through one of my mom’s fashion magazines. Every advertisement was like, “Oh, get rid of your wrinkles.” Basically, the language was, “You should be ashamed of being who you are.” And I was like, “Dang. I’m only 26 and I feel shameful of that. What is this going to look like when I’m older? And I’m only going to get older.”

What started off in high school as, “Oh, I want a purple streak in my hair. It’s self-expression and fun,” turned into college-age, “Oh, my goodness, my roots are showing. What am I going to do?” I just kind of ignored the deep anxiety around that three-week cycle until one day I stopped myself and asked a question I hadn’t yet thought to ask myself, which was, “Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so shameful about this? Am I going to lock myself into believing that my value has peaked in my early 20s and then the rest of my life is me trying to maintain this facade that doesn’t describe who I am and the life that I’m living?”

Cheryl Wischhover

How old were you then?

Martha Truslow Smith

So that’s when I was 24. I stopped dyeing my hair. Terrifying process, especially in your 20s. I scoured the internet, and I was like, “Okay, there’s got to be some sort of resource out there.” But there were all of these hot 20-something Kardashian-looking girls dying their hair, what they called “granny hair.” And I was like, “Okay, that does not help at all.”

I said, “Well, you know what? I’m just going to start an Instagram account, just kind of as a passion project.” I was shocked when I had 20 followers after a couple of months. Oh, my gosh. There are 20 other women out there that feel the same way that I do? And it just kind of grew from there. It was very organic.

Cheryl Wischhover

How many submissions do you get?

Martha Truslow Smith

That is actually a tricky element that I’m trying to navigate. I can get anywhere from 25 to 150 in a day, which is a lot. It’s wonderful, because these women aren’t just passive followers. They are really into it, and that’s amazing. But I don’t want to be that account that posts so much that after a week of following, people are like, “Okay, this is too much.” You know, you get disengagement from that. Then, also, I have a day job, so I can’t sit on Instagram and post all day.

I really make an effort to show different stages of the growth, different walks of life, different stories. There was one recently where this woman wrote, “I lost my son and he doesn’t have the privilege of going gray in his life, so I’m going to do that for him.” And how beautiful is that? This is our life that we’re living, and we are completely saturated in this culture that is constantly telling us to mask that life up and be someone who we once were. But what’s wrong with the person we are now?

Cheryl Wischhover

What are some other really memorable stories that you’ve heard in the last two years?

Martha Truslow Smith

There have been a couple of cancer survivors or women who know of someone that suffered from cancer and then decided to shave their head and just not dye it again. That’s been remarkable. And women whose little girls are struggling with a health condition or their own self-image, and they’re worried that they’re going to look up to their mom and be like, “Well, she can’t even accept herself,” and then follow along a path that they themselves are not happy as grown women.

And along that line, some mothers of young boys, where boys are like, “Mom, you can’t not dye your hair. You’re going to look old.” So it’s a lesson to them to kind of say, “No, I’m your mother and I’m really valuable,” and be that example in their life. I think it’s wonderful.

Cheryl Wischhover

What stage of gray are you at now?

Martha Truslow Smith

If you saw me at a distance, you would probably think I just had really shiny brown hair, and you get closer and you realize I am sprinkled with white hairs. I’ve got these — honestly, I think they’re awesome — white streaks growing randomly on my head. May is when I chopped off all [the rest] of my dye. So my two-year growth just ended.

Cheryl Wischhover

In your real life, what kind of reactions do you get to your gray hair?

Martha Truslow Smith

I get stopped occasionally by women who say, “Oh, if my hair looked like yours, then I would do it.” And I’m like, “Honey, how do you know that your hair doesn’t look like mine? I know it’s a leap of faith, but you have to do that if that’s really what your heart is tugging at.”

I got married in March, and most of my friends live elsewhere. I haven’t been posting too many photos of my hair, and I hadn’t been open about the fact that I’ve been running this Instagram account. At my wedding, all of my close friends were really seeing me for the first time with gray hair. Obviously, there was a little bit of shock. They’re really proud of me and proud to see me love myself in a way that I hadn’t necessarily before. Because the process is really challenging. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Cheryl Wischhover

In what way?

Martha Truslow Smith

All the ways! It’s really hard. You’re going to have good days, and you’re going to have bad days, and then you’re going to have really bad days. But on those really bad days, it’s really important to remember that as bad as you feel, on the positive scale, you’re going to feel that good once you get to a point of letting your hair grow.

Each woman’s journey is their own. I’ll speak to my own: You feel self-conscious. You feel like there’s a spotlight on you, and you feel like you have to explain yourself until one day, you have a conversation with yourself and you’re like, “No. I don’t have to explain this to anyone.” This is something that a lot of people don’t understand, and even those who are really well-intentioned will say things that are accidentally hurtful. You can’t hold it against them because really, you are on the front lines right now of a big cultural shift.

Cheryl Wischhover

Can you give me an example of some of those hurtful things?

Martha Truslow Smith

I had someone tell me, “Oh, don’t worry. Your gray hair doesn’t bother me.” They were trying to comfort me and I’m like, “Oh, god. I can sleep at night. Thank god. Oh, phew, good to know.” Stuff like that. It stabs at you in little ways, especially if you’re already having a hard day.

So you have a choice to make: Am I going to let that opinion affect my choices, or am I going to wade through the waters and figure out who I am and keep going? I feel like women specifically, we’re not only bombarded with all of these things that we have to fix about ourselves, but we constantly just get fixated with our roles. “You’re a mom. You’re a wife. This is your job,” and that’s kind of it. But really, we’re these multidimensional, beautiful creatures living big lives that should be lived even bigger. So, yeah, I focus on gray hair, but it’s so much bigger than that.

Cheryl Wischhover

What do other women tell you?

Martha Truslow Smith

I get a lot of women who write in and say, “I really want to start letting my hair grow out, but my husband won’t let me.” Or, “My husband wants me to be blonde.” Or, “My husband’s scared of having a wife that looks ‘older than him.’” It just breaks my heart. And I’m like, “Girl, you’ve got to do it if that’s what you want to do.”

Cheryl Wischhover

Is there anything else you want to say about this little mini movement you have going?

Martha Truslow Smith

I just want to emphasize that it’s not dyed hair versus not-dyed hair. It’s really a journey of, “Are you unhappy? Is it because of your hair? Okay. Now address that.” That’s really the bottom-line question that I’m trying to get women to ask themselves.

And I’m so proud of all of these women that are in their own lives, kind of isolated. They might be the only women in their friend group, and that’s kind of where Grombre comes in. They don’t have the support in their daily lives or are getting negative feedback from people that they love: their mothers, their sisters. They come and find support from each other, and just these women reaching out constantly to each other and very genuinely, I think, is making us better people.

Original Source -> Gray hair is still taboo for women. This popular Instagram account celebrates it.

via The Conservative Brief

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