#sometimes i wish i could start over

[ottiliere]

I love crawling out of the depths, opening up tumblr, and seeing your art. I love it.

it is quite interesting how social media can fall to the wayside, and people on the internet can just disappear forever if they really wanted to! I admit I struggle to keep up with "public accounts", they are uniquely stressful and I solute your hibernating tenacity. always lovely to see you resurface regardless, thank you very much for the lovely compliment...

I will say in case any of my dear followers were wondering where i've gone for the past month and a half, for weeks i've been pondering how to even broach the enormity of the topic that is: I made the mistake of thinking about my most favorite character for more than 2 minutes in one sitting. I intentionally go out of my way to avoid this and have many strategies to evade this occurring because every time I do enter a sort of hermetically sealed mental chamber where it's just me and him and his life and I begin to ignore all points of previously established social contact and also my health indefinitely. It's difficult to convey the emotional experience of this or its psychic magnitude. and it's hard to say "guys i really love this character!" because that's just words. you can't see it. the 10 years of obsessively thinking about some guy so intensely on&off cyclically until you've made 20 different worlds he's living in... how does one convey the depth of these without artistically depicting them as you see them to be...? i am trying to figure it out. currently planning a longform comic for my favorite and several smaller comics for others, but logically an individual can understand this takes a while... he and I have had multiple rendezvous over the past decade and I wish I had more "historical" art to show but for many of these years I have been a bit too physically disabled to draw, the past several weeks have been spent attempting to recreate his ideal form as he exists in my head. he is starting to come around!

I typed up three separate disquisitions last month to try and explain my feelings on him and none of them felt like the proper vessel to communicate this concept. which is likely for the best. the obvious answer is "just draw him". fine with this being the case, difficult when I have so many drawing ideas I'm now sitting on 100+ works in progress and they just keep accumulating since my brain generates these like an old laptop you leave in the corner of your room to mine bitcoin. in a way I'm content with this being a very "personal" experience thus far, shared with me and those in my inner social circle (really cannot emphasize to my readers enough how fandom can poison your constitution without self-checked moderation). however... I yearn to meet others who are as passionately involved with him as I am, because I think we could coalesce our ideas, and passion, into something beautiful...

^dio brando

#lucy art #might seem humorous to you that I get so emotional over dio brando every day that I get nauseated and sometimes cry. but tis my atlas #i could not tell you if jojo is actually good by the way outside of sbr which is the best part objectively #dio relapses occur ~once every 2 years and whenever they do i reread dio the invader thirty times and nothing else in the series #hes the only character ive ever bought merchandise for..I hated history until I met him now i can't read any kind of fiction but historical #sorry by the way to use your innocuous compliment as an excuse to talk about dio. wish it was not contrarian to my nature to just make #''posts'' publicly unprompted. i prefer to journal... i don't know how active I will be after this post even. will likely just go back to #sitting with him in a dark room until I finish any/all of the projects I've started #which is mildly unfortunate since I love to collaborate in the marketplace of ideas... my compatriots are out there somewhere #jojo is more popular than it was ''back in my day'' i don't know maybe some of you guys like it. asks always welcome lord knows #I've already pestered my friends with thousands of words about him already over this past month #sidenote: sasha askblog is not abandoned + never will be... it is a fun side project. like many things in life. much planned for him too

[eikotheblue]

.

#bad #bad bad bad hurt #the panic attack is over which is in fact an improvement but i still feel so terrible #i would ask someone for help but i can't really think of anything that would really help #(that's an oversimplification but w/e tl;dr there isn't an “ask for help” action that feels available) #brain is just so - flinchy scared hurt #something small just fell off a table about 8 feet from me and #i almost started hyperventilating again #it feels like basically any sensory input could send me into horrible mind jail #and i don't even really understand why #like i did not have an amazing evening but this response does not really feel preportionate #and that's really scary #it's been 5 months it feels absurd that i'm still this broken sometimes #but it - it hurts so bad to think about still i - #i miss her so much #i wish she hadn't done it #i wish i wish i wish #there was so much i wanted to talk to her about so much i wanted to show her #;-; #i wish things were different ; ;

[polite-pandemonium]

There's this TikTok trending sound floating around where the gist is 'can't tell if the friend who is always fake flirting with you is still fake flirting' and I immediately thought of these two. It's practically canon IMHO.

Who is kicking up the fake flirting a notch differs between the two of them on the daily.

#it is my personal headcanon that these two are constantly flirting with each other and causing strangers to just be like SO ARE THEY DATING #OR WHAT? #and of course their friends are like 'ugh no they are just like that' with the tone of people who have seen too much #Daisuke in particular is Over It #will full on leave the room when they start #thinks Takeru brings out the utter worst in Hikari (which he does lbr) #and sometimes they take the flirting too far and who knows maybe they end up fooling around #WHO KNOWS #but also - tri had LOADS of this quasi-flirty banter between them #so it is SLIGHTLY PRACTICALLY CANON #remember Sora's absolutely exasperated face when Hikari warns Meiko to watch out for Takeru? #it's that all of the time #also I wish I could have used caps of them in Kizuna or the Beginning and not caps of them in tri #but they don't have enough scenes together or apart in Kizuna #and the Beginning isn't out yet #so sorry you get this pseudo-meme with the uggo tri animation #and this is from someone who actually enjoyed tri a lot #anyway i have to go run errands I am an Adult #fun fact - I use the same canva account to make this bs that I do to make the reports I put all over my office #that canva account has two selves - employee of a global advertising agency #fandom idiot #digimon #takari #takeru and hikari #takeru takaishi #hikari yagami #takehika

[thatfaerieprincess]

Feel free to skip on past this, I’ve just gotta ramble for a minute bc i cant stop thinking about this kid from work last week. They were so much like me at that age (5-6th grade) that I didn’t know how to interact with them? I didn’t know what to say to them bc I don’t know what I needed to hear back then, what I would’ve WANTED to hear? What would I have even listened to? They were almost entirely silent and looked out at the world with a hesitant curiosity, but would pull back so fast as soon as you tried to interact w them. Little to no eye contact, face hidden in hair, always looking down, following others until they could strike off on their own and just quietly explore. Intently focusing on drawing any chance they got. We did an art project and they hunched over their piece the entire time and wouldn’t let any of us see it in progress, refusing to look up or acknowledge us if we asked to see it or to know what it was. Idk. I barely interacted w them while they were with us for those few days bc I didn’t know how? It almost hurt to try? It was like looking back into a time machine and i didn’t know how to tell them that it does get better,,, I still don’t even know if where I am is better, some days feel so unsure that I don’t think I’ve made any progress at all. But seeing that kid, idk. I’ve come pretty far. And it DOES get better. Maybe it’s not the best now, or even that great at all, but it’s better. I wish I could’ve told them but I don’t think they’d have wanted to hear it anyway

#im a rambling sam #I’m in a weird place again since getting here for this season of work #idk maybe I’ve been in a weird place all year probably #I don’t think I’m that far from where I was at that age but I know I am there’s just still so much further to go #one day I think it’ll feel easier but maybe not today #I do love working w kids but I’m considering going into horticulture instead of outdoor education bc I don’t know if I can handle this #I can #but god I don’t know #in my heart I’m still that exact kid and she’s still in there so damn anxious and unsure and needing to observe the world and everyone in it #just to get some sense of understanding of just what the fuck is going on around here #but by the time I’ve gotten a good handle on what is going on everything is already so set in place and my place is outside the system and I #I don’t know how to step into it #sorry sorry I’m still rambling I’m having a weird day I probably just haven’t eaten nearly enough in the last few days and I’m about to #start teaching on my own this week which is terrifying and I can’t stop thinking abt that damn kid I wish they stayed longer I think #we probably would’ve gotten along #but groups only come here for a couple days and then go home which is v weird after having the same kids for 3 weeks for summer camp #idk life gets better and it gets worse and sometimes u grow into the world a little more but there’s still a mute child in your ribcage #little hands pressed up against ur ribs like laying a palm against a bus window #I put my hand over my sternum as if we could press our hands together thru time #when I was that age I used to pretend to have someone around me like an imaginary friend but usually it was a book character that I liked #and I’d talk to myself in my head like having a conversation and giving myself motivation and assurances from someone else to me #and now I’m here and I still talk to myself like that but without the imagined friend as a buffer I just talk to myself in my head #now I’m the imaginary friend for the little Sam that lives in my chest #when I talk to myself I’m talking to her #I’m giving her the assurance she needed back then #the assurance I still need now #I am here for her so I am here for myself #this is getting poetically nonsensical maybe it’s time for bed

[trainingdummyrabbit]

its 5am thats good enough. anyway if i were to be odd and offputting like genuinely would u all be mad at me be Honest

#piktalk #''> > it kinda.. sucks.. but theres so many people here and it makes me nervous. like waaay more than im used to #i find myself tempted t just completely remake sometimes but thats not really feasible. #i Have to be a certain way bc thats what ive always been. its getting really hard though. #you cant just like... Stop; like that. youre not supposed to; you have to be certain; and im not. #i wish i could indulge in the relief of certainty but that comes with an intrinsic selfishness im not ready to weild. sighs. #i dont want to be this (but thats cruel to you And those who knew you) idk what i want to be (who says i can decide?) #idk who i Am either (youre just supposed to Know; and yet..) . yknow??? #i dont even remember what i am snd am not supposed to be saying. i want to start over but im not brave enough. #or safe enough really. this is a horrible time. sighs.

[dutybcrne]

Silly silly hc:

Wriothesley tossing Sigewinne up in the air for mutual enrichment and there always being at least one time per shenanigan that she accidentally ( sometimes on purpose ) gets stuck up somewhere bc he got a bit overeager-

#hc; sigewinne #//I like to think it started sometime after they became friends #//Maybe him wishing he had a ball or smth he could toss around to keep entertained whenever he visited infirmary in free time #//Sige making a mental note to acquire him said ball; maybe a small one she could keep for him in her infirmary #//But in the interim suggesting he try tossing her. Which he balked at until she convinced him bc she got rlly curious & would NOT let up #//And then them just utterly clowning from there #//Him heckin using her for strength building when he realize how much she liked being hurtled upwards #//Making it his goal to toss her higher and higher each time he got the chance #//Her absolutely LOVING getting yeeted; esp when he gets all focused & tryna comply to her demands for more liftoff. His face gets so funny #//The first time he got her stuck somewhere was prolly Immediately after he took over the Fortress #//Him getting so overeager in his celebration; she gets fucken LAUNCHED #//Gets her stuck on the emblem or hanging off a pipe for dear life but instead of panicking they mcfreakin LOSE THEIR SHIT #hc; wriothesley #//Shh #//You see nothin

[ofalltheginjoints]

#my fatal flaw is actually that i will never actually give anyone consequences for treating me like shit #like. you could stab me and i’d probably apologize to you #i got an uber bc i really didn’t want to wait 45min for the bus (plus the hour bus ride) #and like i literally hadn’t even buckled my seatbelt before the driver started complaining to me about how he’s losing so much money on #this trip and how lyft is screwing him over and that i should tip him $10 for his troubles and like. #i asked him if he wanted me to get out and find another one and he just kept avoiding the question #while still telling me how much this trip was costing him and quite literally making me feel like shit for requesting the ride #and i ended up changing the drop off location to somewhere that was like. closer bc i just didn’t want to be in the car anymore #and after i did that he was still going #like. i’m sitting in the back of his car on the fucking highway getting berated bc i just wanted to fucking go home after work #and you know what i did? #gave him 5 stars and 25% tip bc ‘well he shouldn’t lose his job just bc i had a bad experience’ #but now im sitting here at a mall waiting for my mom to come pick me up and trying not to cry #and i wish i would’ve like. given a truthful ride review or just skipped it bc like #no i don’t want him to lose his job and if i give him one star he possibly could #but also that guy was literally being a massive dick to me and i literally tipped him for it. #i want to be a nice person always but like. i think sometimes me being nice is just letting ppl do whatever the want and being complacent #and i fucking hate it #after like a while of him going on i stopped him and was like #hey man i get its tough and i feel for you but it’s not my fault and i really don’t feel like talking rn #so im gonna put my headphones in #and this motherfucker goes ‘umm ok i mean thats kind of awkward but ok’ #LIKE YOU DIDNT MAKE IT AWKWARD THE MOMENT I GOT IN YOUR CAR #expect maybe im overreacting????????? #anyway. um everything is bad and terrible rn and i just wanna go home but ive still got an hour before my mom gets off work :) #if you actually read all of this i 1) am so sorry and 2) literally love u and also im sorry

[mcnuggyy]

man having grown up in an abusive household makes it so hard to tell when something is a normal disagreement a normal family would have and what is a fight that is absolutely something a normal healthy family would never ever have… like…. 😐

#it happened so fast too I can’t even process how it set off #context being my mom got really dizzy which happens because of her condition #and so we asked her to lay down #about 30 min later she’s back up again making sandwiches for my dad #we all start like calmly kinda teasingly being like cmon dad #she should be laying down why did you have her get up for that #and then my sister said something and then my dad got louder and she got louder and I was like why are we yelling #and so I had to get loud and it was just a whole mess #and my dad got really really fucking mad #and was being a total dick in my opinion #over like… nothing #and my mom sounded all scared and idk man it was a very weird interaction #and I was really shocked up about it because my brain just always goes back to when we used to get hit #but we’re adults now so I’m sure that won’t happen again but sometimes the way my dad gets pissed off #like it feels like it still could happen again one day ykno…. #idk #I know so much is in the past #but it still feels like it happen again every so often and it’s very very very scary lol #anyways I can’t wait to leave <3 hahaha #but seriously like is that normal idk probably not I wish I had some sort of reference to what a healthy parent is supposed to be like #i don’t know a single person with a good relationship w their parents at least not both of them #it’s always just like one or none of them lmao #anyways #</3 #abuse cw #also to make matters worse this all happened during our movie nights we’ve been having #to make my sisters boyfriend feel welcome in the family #since he moved in #like I can’t imagine moving into my partners house #and just hearing like constant screaming fighting matches randomly throughout the week like ok 😐😐😐

[spotsupstuff]

this cake-trocity has gone too far, and you know you must do something about it.

like Gandalf facing down the Balrog in the Mines of Moria you plant the stopsign with a mighty roar

"You shall not bake!"

but as the sign contacts the ground you feel a *squish*, and you look down in horror to find that the sign itself was cake all along.

fucking spot-insert fic snippet in my inbox

#spot says stuff #horrid start to the day today lads... not even this question but yanno what i see first when i check my inbox to see what was sent in- #-durin the night? two fuckin transform€rs art request. some fucking cretin. cant read the inbox title apparently #i had tf requests open in JANUARY. SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS AGO. for TWENTY FOUR HOURS. #sometimes i wish i had no sense of consequence n was a shit person so i could just spit slurs all over the place im so fucking mad #not even the swag of robot wizard sona can calm me im in some deep shit ah hell maybe the bird ask will instill some tranquility within me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing #and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song #mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code #for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming #and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches #and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt #last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad #ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool #coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple #the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting #ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck #theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im #looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there #like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that #slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head. #ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist #listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me #unrelated

[dolokhoded]

i need to go to sleep right now but i've got zimon in the brain and i know i won't be able to sleep until i do something to get him out of the brain but i can't get up to draw right now and i sure as hell can't get up to write that would take me around 11 years so i'll just sit here and rotate him in my mind like a burnt chicken

#🧅 #im remaking the apostle designs too. just. a lot of disciple disease lately. #if there was more aro representation in media i wouldn't cling to the two characters i hc as aro so i can actually do it in a non shitty wa #and I wouldn't be up thinking about them right now and i wouldn't go to sleep late and i'd be abke to study tomorrow and actually get into #uni and get a degree and find a job a d have a life. so if i get nowhere in life it's actually because society hates aromantic people. #man why did i give up on writing. if i could write right now i could just. write all thr concepts out of my head instead of keeping them #up there. #pfft. ''the two characters i hc as aro'' as if i don't cast aro spells on Everyone Ever. #whatever you get james and simon are my blorbos of choice atm #if i could at least get over my current wave if Aromantic Rage so i could actually make ship content and post some jesus/judas along with #all the aro people so people would care about them more :/ #queerbaiting you guys so you consume content about Other type of queers #man. i hate when this happens it alienates me from fandom So much . cause like the second people start talking about ships im like 'cool' #*fades out like that giy doing the peace sign* #and i know its not my actual Opinion either i like these ships it's just. auugghfhfh. #not to mention everyone making amazing ship content and not even being able to check it out because i get irrationally pissed #sometimes i wish i weren't aro so bad #sometimes. then i remember it's awesome and aromanticism is god's masterpiece and i love it. but man.

[endlessnightlock]

i hate facebook

#that's it that's the post #I think I'll just quietly unfollow everyone but immediate family #lol #I only started using my account again to post my book and I'm like yeah #you guys are annoying #if I had to use facebook for like day to day stuff I think I'd gouge my eyeballs out #sometimes I wish I could turn my brain down a few degrees like bruh you don't need to dissect everything you encounter #okay rant over

[museenkuss]

Spn blogs in my recs and they WILL NOT LEAVE.

#they’re even on my main blog now #at least for me #and like yeah I get it blood and rot and family and whatever #I think I’m getting my period soon because it usually doesn’t annoy me like this but GOD #I don’t WANT these here. #but tbh I just don’t like the fandom. it’s all very clique-y and I am so so lonely #like genuinely I haven’t felt good about a single thing I posted for that in way too long #I like WRITING but posting?? in that fandom? it’s terrible. I hate it #& I’ve taken to writing out all my frustration and anger and grief in a separate doc to be deleted before posting the main work #which is fucking. just. it’s bad. I’ve never had to do that for ANY fandom I wrote for. #and I geeeeeet that it’s because it’s such a big fandom so people know each other and it’s not like my small communities where you #parallel play in peace. but I don’t like it. it’s deeply uncomfortable and isolating and I’m so sick of it #but I also like the writing I do so I try to just stay in my niche and not look at anyone else #I think I unfollowed every fandom blog save for two? three? so I could be alone instead of lonely #but it still washes over me whenever I post something. #oh an! sometimes I’m tempted to just do something super mass appealing so they’ll like me but that just makes me feel worse #I’ve been tempted to delete my blog so many times because I lost my friends from the old fandoms and this one is the poorest substitute #but I also feel like that won’t make me happier either. I wish I’d just never started engaging w that show tbh #okay done. just. I’m going through it

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

Duolingo will try and convince you that practicing for a few days when you feel like you can’t take a new lesson yet is a failure, that you aren’t doing as well as you could and “oh no! The ranking”

The owl lies. I have taken three near perfect practice lessons the last three days because I want to make sure I have the stuff I’ve learned seared into my brain better. If i don’t take a week or two for practicing old lessons I’m going to forget how to spell pharmacy in Norwegian and then I’ll fail a future one. You can’t expect me to just learn new words constantly without brushing up on old ones and NOT forget how to spell something or the word for something else, you dumb bitch. This is about me learning how to listen and read, not about how long I can stay in the sapphire league. The notifications about it are super annoying but I can’t shut them off or I’ll forget when I’ve spent the day doing something different than usual and my schedule is thrown off

#emma posts #some nights I think it would be more convenient to just read some of my translation dictionary but that fucking owl doesn’t know I do that #and it will break my streak #I have been keeping up for over 200 days #since I started using the app actually #if that fucking owl says I stopped practicing because I spent a night with my actual dictionary I will execute it like French nobility #I’m weirdly heated about my streak #I guess I could take a Swedish lesson if I really wanted to be lazy but then I mix up spelling! #at least Spanish is so different that i don’t mix up the spelling but I’m so rusty at it and haven’t been focusing on that one #sometimes I wish I was taking in person classes so I could ask questions but then people would see me and I get nervous doing this with #people watching and do worse than when I’m alone #I’m also a little pissed that the app focuses on travel so much because I’m learning the language for something else first but it’s #better than nothing and my alternative is just read dictionaries and look for YouTube videos #why am I so bad at making sentences in other languages? I can listen to people speak with words I’ve learned and get that fast. but making #the sentences MYSELF is so much harder! #and I don’t have anyone to talk to with it anyway #the only guy I can think of is probably dead and I’m not even sure how to contact him anymore

[aroace-polyshow]

waugh

#marlo’s stuff #vent #i could have drowned this one time in a pool by accident #sometimes i wish i did #ough everything feels like its getting worse all the time #does it ever get better lmao #i'd do my homework but if i have to think about global issues rn i think i'll break down #i could start on health though probably #bleugh #it's all good i'll get over myself in a bit

[magicstormfrostfire]

.

#sometimes i feel so torn #its no longer a safe place #but i have nowhere else to be #i just kind of wish i could fade away into something else #somewhere else #like friendships naturally do #but i dont have a space where i can. #it feels so strange #like time wasted #but i know that things dont revolve around me and people have their own lives and troubles #im not mad at that #i could never be mad #i just wish i could go somewhere else #start over #break old ties #start new ones #but right now im just fading in and out. waiting.