#specifically for me venting abt him

[nightmare-foundation]

I keep seeing and impulsively checking the blog of an old fairly toxic friend of mine n I just.

Man. Why do YOU have to be doing well. Why am I the only one who looks back and ends up feeling awful.

Not that I want him to suffer. It's better he doesn't. But like,, I'm always the one on the chopping block between the two of us. It's been 4 YEARS and one month since we've completely ceased contact. Yet my dumb ass STILL can't not think abt him at random

Like,, I'm sure I wasn't completely innocent. I was a really weird 13 year old who never had a genuine friend before, not to mention my mental illness and trauma I had yet to uncover. Yet the only person who never communicated nor seemed to care about our friendship was him. I could be pushy at times, yeah, but I always backed down if told no and whatnot.

Not only that, but I'm still annoyed that he straight up LIED about me and what I was like. One of his (ADULT) friends had contacted me in late 2018, claiming I was, and I quote, "manipulative, misgendered him, and used him as an emotional dump truck". I was 13 years old, and my only friend besides one other person had blocked me for no reason.

Literally for that WHOLE month, I was terrified. I had panic attacks and was anxious as hell. And I'll admit I was a little dependent on him, but I was still fucked from that experience.

Once we started talking again and boundaries set up. He SORT of apologized, but always insisted he was an awful friend, so I ended up having to comfort him instead. I always made excuses and everything for him, convinced that I was awful. And literally like,, there was no effort put in from his side after that. Aaaand then April 2019, I was suddenly messaged and blocked, and that was the last time we talked.

I was hurt obv but like. After that. I kept on being targeted by his adult friends (we were both 14, the friends were at LEAST 23+). Deadass I still don't know what the hell was said abt me but I KNOW it wasn't good. Bc before I knew it I had someone call me a pathetic bitch while I was having a panic attack over feeling guilty for shit I didn't do, then I was banned from like 3 system servers for "interacting inappropriately with a minor". Cue me literally being 14 at the time, a csa survivor, with no evidence even when I asked repeatedly for it, with literally no access to anyone younger than me bc of discords TOS.

The stress from that LITERALLY made us split several times and caused us to switch hosts. Sammy, the alter who was host at the time, is likely STILL dormant. All of that happened in practically the same year.

I'm still fucking baffled by it, angry, and hurt. It's been 4 damn years and I'm 90% sure he doesn't even remember us now.

Like,, christ I still can't interact with the undertale fandom for long bc it makes me remember him. I can't even look at art styles resembling his bc it makes me sick! I am TERRIFIED of venting bc I'm scared someone will lash out at me or accuse me of dumping all of my trauma on them. I'm scared I'm doing something wrong without knowing it and that tomorrow I'll wake up to having no friends bc they all blocked me.

Hell, I have issues trusting people who use the same name as him! I avoid a whole GROUP of people because I'm terrified they'll recognize me and start drama with false claims. Anyone who may have been so much as NEAR him I can't completely interact with besides a couple reblogs here and there.

And like,, I'm sure he's doing completely fine. That he's entirely unaware of the damage he caused. And, yeah, good for him, he's not suffering like I am. But also,, I'm painfully envious. I wish I was left pain free.

It's so stupid. It was 4 years ago. I really need to get over it.

#ramsey (host) #vent #vent post #66 tag #that doesnt make sense to yall but im making a private tag #specifically for me venting abt him #just. sighs loudly

[lycanthian]

i need to fuckign explode

#i need to talk tohim i need to talk to him i need to talk to him i need to tlak to him but i caaaaaaaaaaaaaaant bc im too scared of that lol #it was on my mind two months ago it was on my mind a month ago and its on my mind now and it is driving me insane #bjt k dont want to say what it is because thats a can of worms of potential for people to Know i dont want #so glad the guy in question is locked out of tumblr and the other guy involved barely looks at tumblr #only fucking place i can get this thought out even vaguely #i need to talk to both of them bt i cant because i feel like i will die trying to. heart attack on the spot #as much as i dont want him to i hope he gets a notif for this and asks me sbout it #even though theres no way hed knownim specificslly talking abt him #bc at leas that way it spares me the fucking nightmare kf bringing it up to someone #and its like. objectively not s problem #if i just used my words and talked it out it would be done so fast.but the problem is even though i talk to both of them so much #the thought of talking to them abt this specific thing scares me so bad that #i think if i sent a text about it i would close discord snd not open it for 2 years #sighghhggggghhghgghhhggh ive been rlly good abt not venting on tumblr lately bc i didnt like doing it in the first plsce but #there is literally nowhere else for me to complain about this in a spacethat i am comfortable complaining sbt it in #that does not include one of the affected guys #lycan howls

[hearts4juzi]

MICHAEL HEADCANONS i know this is a common one but foxy is his fav animatronic even as an adult . like when he was a kid he thought the main four were pretty cool but he LOVED foxy and he actually talked to him after the bite and before liz died. he was old enough to know that foxy was just a robot but he still really liked him and they got along because yknow how foxy is like. shy. michael was the first kid he really, really talked too and yeah :)))

AWWWWWHHH OMG

#him befriending the animatronics is everything to me but specifically venting about his family #like that one post that i think of so often #where ti talked abt foxy being williams least favorite and how michael related to that #do. do you think he finds solace in the one animatronic isolated and hated? the one that is hidden in a corner and who is always locked awa #the one whos broken. not right. not good enough #and it makes him feel better to know people still like foxy :) #so maybe hes not so alone #tzu asks

[cpunkhobie]

Ough i have so many thoughts abt splinter on a theatrical and meta level but I don't wanna nose dive into this topic

#I'll just ramble abt it in the tags but as an Asian person who feels the most connection with rodents and mice/rats specifically whenever #I'm designing a fursona or persona I always feel like I need 2 be rlly specific abt the design choices I use so that it doesn't come out #looking like a caricature. and I'm Chinese #so seeing a character who I honestly love so much in a piece of media I love so much centered around something I connect with heavily due to #it being centered around an asian american family it just rlly rlly bugs me to see how many racist design choices went into splinter #like again right down to his nails or jokes abt him eating rats it's just #ouuuuughghhhhgghgh. ough #yeah that's all now genuinely gotta get that out of my system #vent #jonah with a megaphone #rise tag

[blazersparker]

Not to vaguepost on here but if this guy texts me ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna fucking LOSE IT !!!!!!

#oh my GOODDDD #I TOLD HIM TO LEAVE ME ALOONNEEEE #gaahGffvgv #this guy tried to mansplain abt autism to me after i told him im autistic #and kept going off abt how my mood stabilisers are a trick by big pharma????? #and that i dont need them and taking them is my “easy way out” of actually improving??? #HE SPOKE TO ME FOR LIKE 3 WEEKS HE KNEW NOTHINGG ABT ME #anf he had a crush on me even though i am NOT A GIRL !!! and hes straight #gaahgxfggfff #IVE BLOCKED HIM AND HE KEEPS MAKING NEW ACCOUNTS #i cant stand him !!! fr !! #sorry vent post #or like vent tags #vent #edit: bcuz ALSO he said i wasnt autistic bcuz i could speak normally #then contiously asked why i wasnt speaking or acting like a normal person #i was so emotional over this guy and for what #i think its bcuz it gave me the realisation that i will not be precieved the way i am #even if im as honest and as specific with my words as i can be #ugfhxgg okay rant over whatever #i need to stop thinking about this actually #edit two: HES STILLGNB FUCKING MESSAGING ME “im sorry for not helping you” WHAATTTB DO U EVEN KNOW ABOUT MEEEEEEEBED #he knows like maybe 3 things. and its that i like tpn ninjago and lattes #holy shit truly

[voidpunker]

got new oc ideas and hmm..... im wondering if i should even bother trying to make them fit in the fandom i originally made them for, or just have them be in their own universe

#like out of this group the only one whos epithet is really important to them is Willow #IVA it doesnt really matter. and for foxface and the new guy (and also kinda mayhem if im adding her too lol) #i feel like ive mostly been kinda trying to fight the lore to have them be legal? like idk #main reason i put them in ee is to roleplay/plot with friends but h #i kinda want to look for roleplay servers again but the idea i might run into bright in one stresses me out too much #i *am* in one ee server but it is very much dead :( #so mm yeah am thinking just have them be their own story? bc theyre humanoids i dont need to worldbuild a lot #so i could even use them for roleplaying w other ppl #just a gang of nonhumans vibing :) #(btw am specifically talking abt those few characters. im def keeping luci and lyra in ee just bc their epithet *is* a big part of them) #i think im leaving willow there too bc his epithet is more than him being a ghost #and hes inspired by a different character so id rather keep that as a fandom oc than fully original #oc rambles #also kinda #vent

[strwbrymlkshake]

THE TORMENT OF TRYING TO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO SHOWS YOU COMMON DECENCY. HELP

#mine #GOD I REALLY SHOULD START A TAG ABT HIM BECAUSE IM MAKING SO MANY POSTS IN A ROW I MIGHT AS WELL TAG EM #💿 #there you go . approximately 1 (one) CD. not telling you what it stands for #onto the vent section: IUIUAHDJEHFKW #literally nothing has happened but if im alone with my thoughts enough i will convince myself we r in love –_– hatred #hes just been nicer to me i guess which is making my brain go sicko mode. hhsiwhuyugj im. <3 i seem insaner in text than i do irl #i looked at pictures of him and almost exploded im fine im fine im fine im like so extremely normal i swear to god #😐😐😐 im. my brain. fwshoo #im experiencing brain disease or something im sick in the head we have barely. BARELY barely talked yet i am still this insane #to be fair. i have talked to him more than i talked to my last delusional obsession yet im not that obsessed . but still #holds him gently. hehfuejfke. literally someone includes me into the group and treats me like a fucking human being and next thing u know #im planning our wedding basically –_– like im trying to distract myself from everything so i dont get too insane. like its a quieter insane #im less insane about love interests than i WAS but still pretty insane awhahwha. i am delusional<3 how fun #BITCH oh my god im delusional i need to be banned from thinking forever 😭 i am having so many thoughts fr my brain is soup #im obsessed but im not as obsessed as i COULD be. which is good? i guess #he just includes me in things which is nice:( i was thinking abt how he doesnt rly show affection to anyone at all. more specifically me #even if its just platonic. and i thought. would i be happy in a relationship like that? w someone who isnt obsessed with me #ans the truth is i have no idea<3 #he isnt really an affectionate guy in general. (i am psychoanalyzing him) but he is warming up to my style of appreciation i think #i feel like im analzying a minecraft youtuber or something this is how fangirls talk augh

[80zgf]

i’ve had this extra shitty feeling lingering over me all semester and it’s doing such a fantastic job at getting the best of me. my friend group since the first year keeps proving time and time again they care more about each other even when i go out of my way to make sure they’re alright and make sure everybody else avoids things that would upset others. feelings get hurt a lot otherwise. a few nights back i took my a few of my friends out to eat and pay for part of their meals (context: my dad’s boss gets tipped through gift cards sometimes and he gave me a few so it wasn’t exactly out of my pocket). i told my best friend i haven’t been really been feeling my best so to take it easy on me since our other two friends have been deeply upsetting me all week by saying genuinely hurtful shit. and then in the middle of a very stressful meal he started telling me about how his sister’s boyfriend was saying weird shit abt me and her boyfriend doesn’t like me (i have never had a proper conversation with either one of these people) and i ended up fucking bawling lmfaoooo. i guess my friends froze because i’m the “tough friend” so i’m not allowed to cry but it ended up with in me comforting them which is so odd? i get not everyone you encounter will be your #1 fan but if someone pulls you aside and says hey man i haven’t been feeling great lately why would you say that at that time ??? lmfao

(goes without saying but d-on.t r.-b pls)

#had to censor that bcuz people will specifically do otherwise if you don’t #sorry for venting on main i just feel so alone #one of my friends is very sensitive to music in restaurants so half the meal i had to worry about finding someone who could lower it #i’m not even this drastic people pleaser i just hate seeing people distressed #and it’s so funny because a couple days prior we all had a talk abt not having to tell people everything others say abt them #one of my friend’s toxic exes was saying SUPER weird shit about all of us without even getting to know us and she randomly told us all of #-it #in the middle of hanging out #that didn’t get me as much as this did. bcuz like i said. i didn’t want to go already and talked to him in advance #i’m not looking for pity. just wanna get it out so maybe i stop thinking about it #health wise i have not been doing great and i probably need surgery so everything else is stressing me out so much more because of that #i need a new group because this isn’t the first time this happened #thanks for reading if you did and sorry about typos #💋.txt #if this all sounds bitchy and complainy. my bad #my friends have a history of doing things without me that i have planned when i have literally been in the hospital LOL #no one needs to revolve their life around me. just me and acknowledge me #i feel like i sound really annoying but w/e ig #there are probably better more accurate ways to describe what i mean but 🤷

[blasphamoustraitors]

.

#august living #im having a wild ride with school tbh #but uh this is a vent that might be jumping the gun a little. #context my class is only 5 people all of us are already quite friendly and so far our teachers have been effective and professional #until we met our comp teacher today who was vry clearly nervous and this is his first time teaching this class on his own #tho he said hes taught jr high before but like idk he was giving the most nervous energy #but uh. he. would not stop looking specifically at me all 3 hours of class #like maintaining eye contact over 3 computer monitors watched me walk to the front of the class for a drink of water staring #we have to keet our drinks at the front of the room in class bc they dont want us fucking up the comps by accident #um. anyway. everyone noticed. we went for a 15 min break and talked abt it like all break #im just worried that its going to be a problem and ill have to bring it up with someone #i. dont wanna be like jfc i have some of the worst luck with socially awkward neurodivergent men but. #it feels like it. it rlly feels like it. #one of my classemates thinks hes close to my age and that he likes me which. is. also what it felt like to me. #im praying and hoping and begging that that isnt the case and that it wasnt rlly abt me but. #i. know i have that effect on certian nerds sometimes. i just rlly rlly rlly hope that thats not whats happening here. #i hate yo add yo this but i remembered something thats making me even more nervous #which is him saying that he doubts any of us are pc gamers and have never heard of steam #which is already a big assumption but also flags him as a defeatist type nerd which could be bad news #hahahaha anyway im tired and will be sleebing shortly

[bl00dw1tch]

Am i. Emotionally unavailable?

#horse.txt #todays rambl brought to you guy the guy on grindr who said that i seem to have problems with intimacy and it shook me so bad i had to ghost #having a case of the Realizations. sigh #i just #fuck #ive always been told that im an old soul and that im super mature and open and that my issues with intimacy are Just abt romance #but then this mfr had to go and pry and make me realize it definitely is Not just limited to that #i talk so fucking much i was so willing to believe that im actually ok with meing emotional with people but thats not true is it #i just like to overshare. specifically because it feels like being intimate without actually saying anything of importance #so its like. its helps me lie to myself #my mom. i dont hate her for it but i knows shes a big part of all of tgis. because of course she is shes the only constant ive ever had #and i can count on one hand the amount of times ive seen her cry in my life #and even then. only one or two fingers. if #memory issues aren't helping #dad was emotionally unavailable too of course. my feelings about him are a whole nother thing though #point is im kind of crying my eyes out right now because its becoming increasingly obvious that im fucked up in too many tiny ways #to live a normal life. but theyre so small that nobody would every listen to me try to explain that thats why i am this way #i want intimacy i want to feel seen i want to feel understood but thats so hard to find even for normal people so what hope do i have #no motivation no dreams no fucking nothing #vent // #sorry. this was supposed to be lighthearted but #yknow

[myersesque]

i am genuinely excited for scream 6 but every time i remember that dewey's dead and never coming back i genuinely nearly cry on the spot and my desire to actually see a scream movie without him drops significantly so. yknow. we roll

#B4 ANYONE MAKES FUN OF ME yes ik this is a strange thing to be so viscerally upset about #but i'm autistic n for me that manifests in being Overly Emotional and getting very attached to specific characters so #yknow. it happens #also dewey was a double whammy of character i kin/id AND comfort character so #extra reasons to be mentally ill abt him #og #vent #? #horror tag #kin tag #fav #scream 5 spoilers

[bennitastisch]

me, when i give too many fucks: oh shit oh fuck im too scared of fucking up so i just do nothing

me, when i dont give that many fucks abt smth: yea ill just ask no big deal ill set boundaries and shit who cares if i did a little thing wrong at least i did smth :)

#this is abt how stupid i am #bc if i care too much i just get so overwhelmed #like this job i applied for in a bakery #i dint care abt it too much #its part time (germans will know the 450€ job lol) #and i just ask the boss if i wanna know stuff and clearly state when i can and cant come in #when i say i cant be reached before a specific time and he texts me before then i will wait until the time i stated id be available at #and dont immediately respond #or when i started dating my bf #it was easier for me to set boundaries and talk abt stuff than it is now #bc now i know i like him a whole lot and dont wanna lose him bc i do smth stupid #so i just get anxious instead #ben vents #ben talks #bennitastisch

[teddiebearie]

also urghhh earlier I was talking to my dad and mentioned that I don’t think I’d be able to live on my own in a way that isn’t like. damaging to my health (like I could physically. but if going out or doing basic chores needs hours of rest afterwards and a lot of pain ON TOP OF studying or work... that’s not a healthy way of living lol) within the near future, if ever, and he was like “if you wait until I retire I could go live with you”

#teddy's talk #venting #i've been thinking and talking abt this a lot lately.... i think it's bc the deadline for my course and then applications are coming up #i. don't think i'll make it for this round. which is fine! next round starts in october. the issue is i need to Think about my Future #and that's really stressful i think. but i am so used to stress i don't even realise it consciously. which is a problem lol #anyway. i do not want to live with him!!!! and it feels weird too like. #it wasn't 'mom and I could live with you'. it was *specifically* him. #again stuck at the whole staying here is actively harmful to me but i couldn't live on my own in any realistic way anytime soon

[lesbian-kyoru]

skip and loafer chapter 55 thoughts

this chapter was so poignant but one aspect that stood out to me was all it told us about mika & mukai's dynamic so far!

mukai followed along on a whim & subsequently ended up witnessing a lot of vulnerability on mika's end, someone who he still doesn't have a good grasp on yet—after seeing her worst + being surprised by her capacity for kindness, his perception of her is continually being challenged & muddled. we've seen already how mukai is a very logical, cut & dry person in his thinking, so imo mika's Layers are both confusing & intriguing to him.

at the same time i thought it was interesting how mukai realizes that mika ALSO doesn't have a clear perception of him—though their scenes always feel very Intentional, they actually have not interacted a ton within the context of the friend group, esp given their rocky start.

so from there, we get this juxtaposition within mika & mukai's relationship where they are v unsure of each other and yet there's an odd sense of trust there. it's definitely not an ACTIVE trust, but something more peripheral; mika doesn't mind mukai being there while she talks to nao because, in her mind, mukai already knows abt this insecurity so she isn't revealing anything new to him. after opening up to nao, she apologizes to mukai for getting him caught up in her venting; despite this, it really struck me how this felt like such growth for her to simply move on rather than carrying the feeling around shamefully. it's like a weight lifts off mika's shoulders & it's cathartic for this to happen in front of mukai, who was the accidental catalyst for her confession to shima. mukai, in contrast, seems more unsure than ever.

he's puzzled to realize that mika's confession to shima wasn't fueled by a desire for reciprocation but rather the courage it took her to express her feelings openly, instead of always attempting to hide behind a facade & never experience the vulnerability in risking rejection. we know that mukai's experience of romantic confessions is almost entirely filtered through shima, since he's never been confessed to himself—and it's interesting how mika's confession to shima directly flies in the face of how negatively shima feels about being confessed to.

for shima, girls confessing to him has always been a sign of what's expected of him, people wanting something specific FROM him rather than liking him as a person—now that mukai knows how drained that makes shima feel, it's interesting that he learns mika's reasons for confessing & how they're entirely different, motivated by a desire to be brave rather than expecting something of the other person. nevertheless, this leaves mukai with a lot of conflicting thoughts in his head about how a confession should make you feel. again, he's very logical, so the ambiguity is confusing to him! (and all of us honestly)

but then, back at the house, we see mika through mukai's point of view—she shoots him a look!—at which point he decides that he couldn't think of being confessed to as "not that great." i'm just gonna let that sit there :)

so with that!! i loooooved all this chapter gave us to work with in the development of these characters, esp mika & mukai's dynamic!!!! with a character like mukai who spends so much time as an observer, it's so fun to see him start to actually reflect on his own point of view within the story, like he feels himself going from being the background character in everyone's lives to really developing his own outlook—and it's all thanks to girl of all time mika egashira who inspires EVERYONE to think nine million thoughts trying to understand her.

#skip and loafer #sukirofa #mika egashira #mukai tsukasa #mikamukai #tagging for before they get famous #this chapter had such powerful moments w nao chan and mika so ofc i was a mess reading that and then mukai thoughts were my most coherent #my meta #skip and loafer meta #zoe.txt