#spinsterhood

[whetstonefires]

You know what I realize that people underestimate with Pride & Prejudice is the strategic importance of Jane.

Because like, I recently saw Charlotte and Elizabeth contrasted as the former being pragmatic and the latter holding out for a love match, because she's younger and prettier and thinks she can afford it, and that is very much not what's happening.

The Charlotte take is correct, but the Elizabeth is all wrong. Lizzie doesn't insist on a love match. That's serendipitous and rather unexpected. She wants, exactly as Mr. Bennet says, someone she can respect. Contempt won't do. Mr. Bennet puts it in weirdly sexist terms like he's trying to avoid acknowledging what he did to himself by marrying a self-absorbed idiot, but it's still true. That's what Elizabeth is shooting for: a marriage that won't make her unhappy.

She's grown up watching how miserable her parents make one another; she's not willing to sign up for a lifetime of being bitter and lonely in her own home.

I think she is very aware, in refusing Mr. Collins, that it's reasonably unlikely that anyone she actually respects is going to want her, with her few accomplishments and her lack of property. That she is turning down security and the chance keep the house she grew up in, and all she gets in return may be spinsterhood.

But, crucially, she has absolute faith in Jane.

The bit about teaching Jane's daughters to embroider badly? That's a joke, but it's also a serious potential life plan. Jane is the best creature in the world, and a beauty; there's no chance at all she won't get married to someone worthwhile.

(Bingley mucks this up by breaking Jane's heart, but her prospects remain reasonable if their mother would lay off!)

And if Elizabeth can't replicate that feat, then there's also no doubt in her mind that Jane will let her live in her house as a dependent as long as she likes, and never let it be made shameful or awful to be that impoverished spinster aunt. It will be okay never to be married at all, because she has her sister, whom she trusts absolutely to succeed and to protect her.

And if something eventually happens to Jane's family and they can't keep her anymore, she can throw herself upon the mercy of the Gardeners, who have money and like her very much, and are likewise good people. She has a support network--not a perfect or impregnable one, but it exists. It gives her realistic options.

Spinsterhood was a very dangerous choice; there are reasons you would go to considerable lengths not to risk it.

But Elizabeth has Jane, and her pride, and an understanding of what marrying someone who will make you miserable costs.

That's part of the thesis of the book, I would say! Recurring Austen thought. How important it is not to marry someone who will make you, specifically, unhappy.

She would rather be a dependent of people she likes and trusts than of someone she doesn't, even if the latter is formally considered more secure; she would rather live in a happy, reasonable household as an extra than be the mistress of her own home, but that home is full of Mr. Collins and her mother.

This is a calculation she's making consciously! She's not counting on a better marriage coming along. She just feels the most likely bad outcome from refusing Mr. Collins is still much better than the certain outcome of accepting him. Which is being stuck with Mr. Collins forever.

Elizabeth is also being pragmatic. Austen also endorses her choice, for the person she is and the concerns she has. She's just picking different trade-offs than Charlotte.

Elizabeth's flaw is not in her own priorities; she doesn't make a reckless choice and get lucky. But in being unable to accept that Charlotte's are different, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with Charlotte.

Because realistically, when your marriage is your whole family and career forever, and you only get to pick the ones that offer themselves to you, when you are legally bound to the status of dependent, you're always going to be making some trade-offs.

😂 Even the unrealistically ideal dream scenario of wealthy handsome clever ethical Mr. Darcy still asks you to undergo personal growth, accommodate someone else's communication style, and eat a little crow.

#hoc est meum #pride and prejudice #elizabeth bennet #charlotte lucas #meta #charlotte is a much less sociable person than lizzie #so avoiding her husband most of the time and not seeking out his company is more viable for her! #she also has more patience for people being wrong #partly i think because she kinds checks out and lets them get on with it which lizzie isn't too great at even with her mother #people have different needs like that's a thing okay #marriage #spinsterhood #pragmatism #like if elizabeth had to listen to collins talk for a few months straight she would be nearly insane with rage #he's not just a low-quality man he's a man designed to be the worst for her specifically #also note that because jane's marriage is elizabeth's fallback plan #darcy screwed her over personally by interfering between her and bingley #she ofc does not bring this up how could she #but it's intensifying the anger during the hunsford rejection i think

[haggishlyhagging]

[Susan B.] Anthony herself never tried to 'rationalise' her unmarried state; she was quite explicit that it was a choice, and a good one. In an interview in 1906 she stated: ‘I never felt could give up my life of freedom to become a man's housekeeper. When I was young, if a girl married poverty, she became a drudge; if she married wealth, she became a doll. Had I married at twenty one, I would have been either a drudge or a doll for fifty-five years. Think of it!’ (quoted in Gurko, 1976, p. 291). She was also prepared to use the fact that she was not married for ‘political’ purposes. Elizabeth Cady Stanton says that when Anthony was asked why she was not married she used to respond with the declaration ‘that she could not consent that the man she loved, described in the Constitution as a white male, native born, American citizen, possessed of the right of self government, eligible to the office of President of the great Republic, should unite his destinies in marriage with a political slave and pariah’ (Stanton, 1898a, p. 172).

-Dale Spender, Women of Ideas and What Men Have Done to Them

#Susan b Anthony #female oppression #womens history #feminist history #spinsterhood #love and marriage

[scumsleeperagent]

As I’m trying to figure out like what I want for my future/present etc. blah blah how I should change myself and what’s wrong and what isn’t wrong in my life, I keep coming back to like what I would want for a theoretical future wedding and it’s so dumb bc 1) I don’t even know if I want to get married 2) it’s not like I have someone wanting to marry me

And then I realize I’m literally just as bad as the whole surrounding het community I’m in, because I see my life in such narrow ways just like them. A few years ago I glorified their lifestyle and wanted to fit it as closely as possible but ultimately I think my life is gonna be much more historically contiguous with what is typical for lesbians and especially butches

That is: I’m an oppressed sexual minority, of “the second sex”. Aside from all the other difficulties in finding a good relationship (immigrant, mixed ethnic background, general compatibility), my partners probably will continue to not value me as highly as I value them, simply because gnc females aren’t valued highly by society in general, and homosexual relationships aren’t understood to be as serious as heterosexual relationships. It’s stupid of me to believe that I’m definitely going to meet someone who will be both compatible with me, love me, and brave enough to follow through and commit long term.

I’m not low self esteem (and disconnected from reality) enough to believe that I’ll be single the rest of my life. I will definitely have relationships in the future. But the chances that circumstances align so that in the next 10-15 years (the window for my ability to have children) such that I am in a serious relationship with a woman who wants to build a family with me, are pretty slim. It very well could happen but it’s pretty dumb to plan around it, as I have been until now. There is no princess charming waiting for me to meet her and ride off into the sunset together.

Being realistic about this in how I think about my life going forward is the healthiest thing to do. Thinking about civil partnerships vs chuppot vs non-halakhic Jewish wedding is already indulging in a far-fetched fantasy of the future that I shouldn’t expect is coming.

(And if that ever happens I know I’m just going to go along with whatever kind of wedding my wife wants anyway)

This isn’t even a weakness or a problem. I’ll be able to make more of an impact in life if I don’t get to have kids. That’s the strength of homosexuality and I’m gonna make the best of the cards I was dealt.

Reasonable expectations of a homosexual life: Passionate, loving, (probably fleeting) relationships. No ball and chain, no children, fewer responsibilities, fewer burdens.

#self #spinsterhood #spinsterdom #I’m not a bachelor I’m a spinster lol #this might be too pessimistic overall but it’s way better than being too optimistic #don’t tell me this is homophobic bc it isn’t it’s realistic

[insomniac-arrest]

#jokes #this was a joke #on spinsterhood and the fact I personally am hot #but now it’s been Interpreted #this IS what I get for mentioning librarians damn

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

I swear every man on dating apps at the moment doesn't know what he wants. I refuse to swipe on someone who doesn't even know why they're on a dating app 🙄

#after spending 5 months dating someone only to be told he could give me a relationship like i wanted #i refuse to even start talking if you dont know what you want #ready to enter my spinsterhood and stay a burden on my parents pride ans prejudice style

[blujaydoodles]

😍 and 💐 for Nyssa and any other characters of your choice (the more the merrier)! :D

😍 : What does your OC find irresistible in others?

I already answered this one for Nyssa! (a couple WEEKS ago orz lol) So a couple of thoughts for other OCs:

Elyss is drawn to passion; there's something really compelling to her about people who care strongly about anything, and speak and act strongly on that, and stand by the strength of their convictions (it's something she sincerely admires about the paladin, even though she generally finds his convictions themselves misguided and frustrating). She's also very 👀 at high levels of skill in anything, which is somewhat related in the sense that it usually also implies a passionate dedication to [hobby, craft, combat skills, whatever]. Also this is. An embarrassingly low bar but people who treat her with baseline respect as an actual person :') She's spent most of her life feeling othered by most people in one way or another, and even with people who don't treat her like a freak she ends up getting patronized a lot, I think because her communication style is unusual and her social skills are so poor-- so like, genuine basic human decency tend to hit her really hard aahah

Juniper has a weakness for women who are or seem self-assured and highly competent, which-- wait I've tweeted about this, hang on

lmao. She's kind of nervous and wishywashy herself, so it's definitely as much admiration as it is 'cool girl with a strong personality.... Sexy......'

💐 : What is their courting style? How would they woo someone?

Nyssa's pretty forward! She's entirely comfortable with herself, and her culture is by and large non-monogamous (and also probably essentially aromantic?) so she's not really worried about rejection (not that rejection ever feels good, but it's not like she's hoping to connect with a potential monogamous partner-- she's just looking to Make A Connection at all). Her approach is sweet and flirty, and focused on the other person; she's unreservedly complimentary and openly affectionate, she's giving them little flowers and gifts, she wants to know what they wanna do so they can do it together. She has no hesitations about making her interest known, and just wants to make the other person feel good :)

By contrast, and as long as I answered the other one for them, Elyss and Juniper are both deeply self-conscious slow burn idiots fdkjhkfdgjh. Juniper's courting style is to write poetry and love letters and then ball them up and throw them in the fire and scream into a pillow and just miserably hope that, on the VERY off chance that the other person might actually possibly be interested in return (impossible), she'll make the first move so June doesn't have to. Among other things, she tends to worry herself over the fear of reading too much into things ("ARE we just gals being pals...?") and how mortifying it would be to admit to having feelings for someone for whom those feelings were unwanted. She does ramp up things like spending more time with the other person, paying her compliments or doing things for her, opening up about her feelings in general, etc, but usually it's all caught within the awkward inner conflict of 'wanting to telegraph interest as hard as possible' versus 'wanting to be able to play it off as Just Friend Stuff if I have to', which obviously makes it less effective than if she just went for it without overthinking everything all the time

Elyss simply doesn't have a playbook, even a stupid one :') She doesn't even know how to make friends, let alone intentionally court and woo. For one thing, the idea that anyone could possibly be attracted to her at all feels so unlikely to her that she hasn't bothered giving very much thought into how she might try to attract someone she's interested in; it would just be a waste of time, as far as she's concerned. When she's interested in anyone, even platonically, she always wants to spend as much time with them as possible and try to be as kind and supportive of them as she knows how, but even if she was able to recognize herself when that may be more romantically motivated, she'd never intentionally attempt to make that known to the other person, under the assumption that it would just make them uncomfortable at best.

Ask about my OCs :3c

#parad0xymoron #thank you!! :3 #unsurprisingly the elyss/ june crossover has traditionally been an impossibly slow burn #justin ran a one-on-oneshot for me once where he DID trick them into kissing on the first day #but even after that they both went 😳 and then didn't talk about it again for like a month dfjhgdkfj #CANON june has a girlfriend now despite being nervous and wishywashy (fengling finally made the move lmao) #canon elyss... has resigned herself to spinsterhood :') #I want to be fair and note that she HAS been called beautiful to her face by TWO party members but it's just hard for her to accept #and there's [handwaves] a lot of other stuff going on there that I won't get into in the tags which are long enough as it is lol #ask thing #not art #my OCs #Nyssa #Elyss #Juniper

[bipolareffigy]

dating as a monogamous childfree lesbian is absolutely awful. i just want to get married to my soulmate and that is such a hard thing to find in other wlw these days.

like i hate to sound desperate but what the fuck is the point anymore y’know? can anyone else relate?

#wlw #lesbian #dating #dating apps #IT’S POINTLESS I TELL YOU WHAT #what i want doesn’t exist and i should just be happy in spinsterhood

[shoeshineyboy]

ugh, ugh, a million times ugh, piss, shit, fuck, arse, cunt, words to that effect,

#committing to spinsterhood and forcing myself to be happy about it <3

[haggishlyhagging]

“There were two fronts to the battle against the spinsters. One was to declare against all evidence to the contrary that spinsters suffered from thwarted desire which turned them into vicious and destructive creatures. This was a good way to discredit and undermine the vast quantity of work which celibate women were then doing in the women’s movement, much of it directly opposed to male sexual behaviour. Another was to promote sex freedom. If sexual intercourse with men was vital and there was a surplus of women, then marriage would be no solution to the spinsters’ problems. ‘Sexual freedom’ was another possibility, and was being promoted by some feminists in the Freewoman magazine. Christabel Pankhurst was very suspicious and hostile to the ‘new morality’ proponents. ‘Sex freedom’ was being heralded as the way to eliminate prostitution, an idea which is still popular today. The argument is that men’s use of women in prostitution is the result of women’s sexuality being repressed so that men have difficulty finding partners. ‘Sex freedom’ and prostitution in fact manage to coexist very happily side by side. The argument transfers responsibility for men’s use of women in prostitution from men to women. Christabel summed up the argument thus:

It would seem that certain men are alarmed by the dangers of prostitution, and, of course, they find it expensive. At any rate, we detect a tendency in some quarters to preach to women the observance of a looser code of morals than they have observed hitherto. ‘You are asking for political freedom,’ women are told. ‘More important to you is sex freedom.’ Votes for women shoud be accompanied, if not preceded, by wild oats for women. The thing to be done is not to raise the moral standard of men, but to lower the moral standard of women.

Women, she said, replied with a firm negative to this suggestion: ‘When women have the vote, they will be more and not less opposed than now to making a plaything of sex and of entering casually into the sex relationship.’”

-Sheila Jeffreys, The Spinster and Her Enemies

#sheila jeffreys #spinsterhood #celibacy #first wave feminism #anti prostitution #male entitlement #male sexuality #female sexuality

[scumsleeperagent]

insight: the need to defend spinsterhood

today i was reflecting deeply about the issues in my community and trying to think about issues that actually affect the people in my community and it hit me that dating is the epicenter of all gender issues in my immediate community.  men are overvalued because “there are fewer” of them. 

women are overvalued because “there are more” of them. 

(quotes because i doubt the veracity of both of these claims)

even friends of mine who are openly and proudly “feminist” refuse to imagine a single life, say judgemental things about women who are older and single, and in the same breath that they’ll criticize men will perpetuate the idea that everyone will find their right partner if they just try. 

shadchanim (matchmakers) groom girls. I think girls are groomed from way younger towards shidduchim, to fear not getting married, to fear being an “older single”. but i’m friends with older single women, and they are honestly fantastic and living full, good lives. And yet the whole community (and i think themselves internally, some of them) speaks about them as if they are living a nightmare.

I think every marriage should be evaluated individually. 

I know a couple where the husband took the wives’ name, and I think they have pretty equal gender dynamics. They have a baby, they seem happy, I think she is in control of her life.

I know another woman who settled for a man who was religiously compatible but isn’t even pro-feminist, and doesn’t share a native language with her. She seems happy enough, and he seems respectful- but i worry about her. I wonder if she is really happy, and I wonder why everyone treats her like she’s living the dream now when she has a husband and a baby but she’s far from all her friends.

prince charming isn’t coming. most men are utter shit and not worth cohabitating with. 

people can/should/are form/ing chosen families outside of marriage, regardless of sexual orientation.

singledom and spinsterhood should be the default, and not a failure. 

#self #insight #spinsterdom #spinsterhood

[jemandtherobots]

i mean i guess i just take this whole persuasion adaptation thing very personally as an introverted 27-y.o. who feels like life passed me by and like i have to put my own feelings and needs aside for my family and also as someone who hasn't dated anyone since i was 19 and in a pretty serious relationship with someone my family would not have approved of so i never told them but like. what do i know about anne elliot huh.

#i mean luke and i were not a persuasion situation at all and my spinsterhood is unrelated to him but #you know. sometimes we're dramatic on this blog to make a point.

[sassmill]

One of those nights where I’m wondering if I might be on the asexuality spectrum or if I just have PTSD. Like I don’t know if I ultimately just don’t actually want to be with someone or if my trauma response is just making it so that I can’t be physically vulnerable and I’m just suppressing it all.

#like I do have ptsd but like is that the reason why relationships seem so impossible or is it because deep down I don’t really desire that #idk #rapidly approaching spinsterhood and can’t tell wether or not I’m okay with that