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sepublic · 4 years

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Behold, after all this time… Part 3 of Bionicle: RaE! RaE is short for ‘Redone and Expanded’… I’ve already redone G2’s original duology. But what of the expansion? I’ve said that I would expand the story from there, and make it almost three timesas long as the original G2!

Well, here it is- Part 3: Life! I’m really excited to share this with you guys… I’ve had this in the works since 2016, shortly after Bionicle G2’s cancellation! It marked my determination to really DO something with G2, to expand on it and make a mythos matching its predecessor, or at least coming close to it! It isn’t exactly perfect, and there are a few bits I need to smooth out, as well as a plot-hole or two I need to resolve… But for now, THIS is easily the most fleshed-out of my fanmade ‘Parts’! It brings a whole new world to match the landscape of Okoto, the ‘cursed land’ of Xia… And I hope you guys enjoy the new storyline I have to bring!

As always, below is a beginning excerpt; The rest is accessible through the link!

Makuta is dead.

He was vanquished in the battle on the Mount of Darkness’ peak, slain by his brother Ekimu the Mask Maker, now Toa of Creation. Axonn, Kualus, Vakama, Lesovikk, and Brutaka have all disappeared, with Krahka and the Rahi going their own ways; Save for the Red Serpent, which stays with its Okotan friends. Okoto itself has suffered grievous scars from the Elemental Horde’s razing of the island, but now the fully-empowered Elemental Deities are working to heal the damage, bit by bit. It is a long and arduous process, but progress is definite.

While the Deities are no doubt grateful to the Toa, by the end of the day their alliance dictated the mutual defeat of their respective enemies, before cutting ties off. Thus, the Elemental Deities are only bound to repair Okoto, while the Okotan Alliance works by itself to track down and handle the remaining members of the Brotherhood of Makuta. Still, some endearing memories and experiences are held close to heart, even if deities are normally not supposed to interact with mortals and favor them too much.

The Toa are celebrated as eternal heroes, and as the Toa of Creation, Ekimu is crafting Masks of Power and other ingenious inventions at an unprecedented rate. Yes, there are Brotherhood forces still out there and unaccounted for, in hiding ever since Makuta’s demise. But with Makuta himself dead and Umarak trapped within the Mask of Shadows, hidden in an undisclosed location by Ekimu; What is there to fear? It seems that a new Creation Age is approaching, a second one no longer marred by Makuta’s influence, a reborn era wary of the mistakes of the past and willing to rectify them. The celebration with Makuta’s defeat was immense.

So why is Narmoto so nervous?

The Protector of Fire is definitely relieved by the defeat of Makuta, certainly- But now that Makuta is out of his mind, it seems an old fear, once locked away in the face of more immediate threats, is resurfacing… His wife and his son, Lhii, are concerned.

Almost as if in response to Narmoto’s concern, a string of ghastly, grisly murders suddenly emerges across Okoto. Reports come in, of Okotans found dead in their sleep, their bodies torn asunder as if by some horrific beast- Yet those nearby never recalled hearing such a monster. Checking the room where the slain had slept, there is no trace of a struggle, no trace of anything, be it a Skull Spider, or Energy Leech, or the like having made its way into the bedroom. Locked doors remained locked the entire time, with mechanisms set in place to detect if they are breached; Only for the mechanisms to remain still, even as the next morning another victim is found dead.

Paranoia quickly besets Okoto as it rallies warily, trying to ascertain the threat. Something is killing others in their sleep, when nobody else is watching; And somehow doing it without setting off a single alarm, without alerting anyone or anything. The Toa, Protectors, and other warriors remain vigilant and on guard, unsure of what to do. Eventually, a clever experiment is held, as someone is instructed to don a Mask of Stealth and watch over a friend.

Days pass- Until one night, that sleeping friend begins thrashing about, increasingly distressed from a horrific dream of some sort, as they begin moving around. They begin to react with increasing intensity to their nightmare, terrified- Until wounds suddenly appear across their body. Before anything too bad can happen, the victim is awoken just in time.

The victim tells of a horrific nightmare appearing in their sleep, specifically targeting them. When it harmed them with its claws, those same wounds appeared in the real world, terrifying the Okotan Alliance- Their new foe, this new killer, is a being who can access the dreams of others and kill victims within them.

Everyone is mystified, with Ekimu recalling legends of those who could access dreams, but usually such examples were found right beside the dreamer in order to infiltrate the mind. How is this possible? Regardless, the Okotans remain vigilant and on-guard, attempting to stay awake as much as possible. People are instructed to sleep in groups and shifts, with allies watching over one another as they sleep, ready to wake someone up in case a bad dream evolves into something worse.

As Okoto becomes exhausted, Onua hypothesizes that whoever is doing this is bound to space- Recent, subsequent kills all happen close to one another, indicating the culprit is travelling, entering dreams to kill, and then moving on. Thus, they presumably can’t access the dream of someone far away, so for every recent kill in one region of the island, everywhere else is presumably safe. This theory seems to work somewhat, and guards are set out to areas with recent attacks. Masks of Power are made to detect anything, but nothing can track down the mysterious killer- And when someone IS attacked, Masks of Radar and the like only detect the victim’s soul!

Eventually, the killings suspiciously cease, but everyone continues to remain on-guard. One night, Ekimu falls asleep… Only to be attacked in his nightmares.

However, Ekimu is prepared, having donned the Mask of Control. With full control over his own mind, Ekimu is able to manipulate the world in his dreams even better than the shape-shifting perpetrator, and captures them in his grasp. The killer, caught, shifts back into their true form; A serpentine, bat-winged creature with elastic properties.

The killer reveals their name and identity, to Ekimu’s shock; He is Yagavo, one of the Rahkshi, Sons of Makuta! Yagavo, incensed and mourning his father’s death, has vowed to avenge Makuta by slaying his enemies and continuing the Mask Hoarder’s original plan to take his rightful place among the gods.

Ekimu attempts to keep Yagavo trapped in his dream with the Mask of Control, but Yagavo, underneath desperate circumstances, breaks out of the dream himself by revealing his presence in the real world. Yagavo’s physical body suddenly manifests besides Ekimu’s sleeping form, now free of the dream, even as Ekimu himself awakens and immediately attacks.

As Okotan forces immediately awaken during the commotion, Yagavo manages to escape, his abilities revealed; The power to access a parallel, dark version of Okoto, devoid of all life. This ‘Para-Realm’, as he calls it, is Okoto’s shadows, reflecting and mirroring its landscape. If a pit is dug into Okoto, minutes afterwards an actual pit will form in the Para-Realm, in the exact, identical place.

If Yagavo goes into the Para-Realm and moves forward five-feet, and then heads back to Okoto, he will be five-feet away from where he disappeared. The Para-Realm is like an identical map, laid directly over Okoto, and by accessing it, Yagavo can disappear completely from one world, undetectable and unstoppable. Yagavo had used this ability to access the dreams of Okotans from the Para-Realm, enabling him to stealthily kill people without having to expose himself in the light world.

Yagavo escapes, even as Ekimu alerts and warns the rest of Okoto, which is dismayed but not too surprised to see that more of Makuta’s creations are now resurfacing. Even as Okoto regathers its arms, Yagavo resurfaces, now leading what is left of the Brotherhood of Makuta. The Okotan Alliance goes into conflict with Yagavo and the Brotherhood of Makuta, with Yagavo utilizing the threats of his dream-murders to keep Okotans anxious and awake, exhausting soldiers and making it easier for Brotherhood forces to take them out in the real world. The Toa hunt down Yagavo, who is well-aware of his physical weakness, being a glass-cannon compared to the rest of his brethren.

Meanwhile, Matoro herself begins to have a recurring nightmare of a darkened being, but is it not one that seems to necessarily hurt her- Just torment Matoro psychologically, with Yagavo elsewhere. Matoro makes sure to tell the others of this, but based on the evidence, it’s apparently just that- A dream. Or, a vision…?

Elsewhere, Taiki spots the demigod Krevasse, sneaking away with a stolen egg in tow- Upon being noticed, Krevasse panics and drops the egg. Curious, Taiki picks up the egg and takes it to Kinigan scholars to study, but nobody can recognize its species! Not even Ekimu is aware what this egg will birth, and fascinated, Taiki takes it upon herself to work on hatching the egg. She sets to work, nursing the egg tenderly, figuring out how to nurture it, even as she makes plans to track down Krahka and see if her knowledge on Rahi can help.

All the while, Narmoto remains concerned. Whatever has been troubling him isn’t Yagavo- So what is it, then?

During a battle against the Brotherhood of Makuta, Gali ends up being endangered. Just before she can defend herself, she is suddenly barraged with intense, mental agony, leaving her vulnerable for an Energy Leech to attack. Luckily, she is rescued just in time by her allies, and everyone is left wondering what could’ve performed the attack. Perhaps it was a Kal, having absorbed the powers of a Mask of Telepathy… But even so, Gali notes that this mental attack was far more intense and concentrated than any Mask of Telepathy she had come up against. Likewise, there weren’t any Kal nearby; So who could’ve done it? Yagavo had never displayed such an ability.

As everyone else begins to consider the possibility of yet another Rahkshi, Narmoto inquires as to the exact location of this battle. After learning the information, he dons a Mask of Stealth and heads by himself, alone, to where the battle had been held. He makes sure to watch from afar, wielding a Mask of Sight, and waits…

Unbeknownst to him, a wary Yagavo learned of the unusual mental attack from the forces present at that battle, and heads off to investigate, watching Okoto from the Para-Realm and spying on Narmoto. He begins to look around the source of the mental attack, having his suspicions, and stumbles across something in the tunnels of the Para-Realm…

Narmoto heads underground, but is secretly trailed by Ekimu, who has heard of the Protector of Fire’s unusual behavior and is now investigating himself. Underground, Narmoto finds a pale, hunched-over being, huddling in the darkness, and addresses them as Dweller. Dwller smugly addresses Narmoto like an old comrade, mocking him over the new life and ‘fake name’ he had made for himself on Okoto- But he warns Narmoto that the past will continue to haunt him, always, and is about to return. The shadow of Narmoto’s crimes has been trailing him for a while, and now it’s about to emerge.

Dweller assaults Narmoto with a powerful mental barrage, but a prepared Narmoto manages to fight back somewhat. During the battle, Dweller is forced to move around and is briefly struck, causing him to drop something; A faded, golden-shard, of unspeakably old age, faint and worn-down from centuries of not only decay, but by a day of something far more powerful…

Ekimu, arriving to help Narmoto, is shocked, immediately recognizing it as a fragment; A shard, one of six, from the Mask of Life all those years ago.

Ekimu immediately demands to Dweller how he found this shard, and if he knows the location of the others- But Dweller retaliates with another mental attack. Ekimu, prepared, creates a shield that is able to defend himself and lunges in to defeat Dweller, only for Yagavo to appear. Yagavo teleports in from the Para-Realm, seeing his chance to kill Ekimu, and manages to wound the Mask Maker as he focuses his attention on the Rahkshi. Dweller, seeing an opportunity, begins fleeing down the tunnels, even as his mental power summons something else…

To Narmoto’s shock, a massive, subterranean worm appears, swallowing Dweller whole. For a moment, Narmoto is unsure of what happened- But then he realizes Dweller must somehow still be alive. Ekimu, adapting to Yagavo’s sudden ambush, begins to contact everyone else to help him catch Dweller, even as Yagavo calls in his own Brotherhood forces.

Okotans and Toa arrive to fight, with the Brotherhood of Makuta coming in to intercept. In the chaos, Dweller, makes his escape, having used his mental powers to brainwash multiple animals into his loyal bidding. Narmoto gives a particularly frantic chase after Dweller, but is defeated by the pale being as he gloats that the Shadowed One will finally punish his insolence after all these years. With a brainwashed Gukko to help him, Dweller flies off and arrives at the coast of Okoto. There, he digs up a submerged, silver canister, one identical to the one the hunter Kualus used a few months ago to arrive on Okoto, and later leave the island.

Dweller enters the canister as its hatch-lid closes on him, and the cylinder’s machinations begin to function as it heads back into the ocean, turbines activating. The canister begins to spin rapidly, and dives beneat the waves, heading out into the dangerous, endless oceans beyond Okoto.

With Dweller having escaped, the battle ends in a stalemate as Okotan forces retreat. Ekimu, terrified and having old trauma re-awakened, angrily confronts Narmoto about Dweller, demanding to know his past with the being, and who The Shadowed One is. Narmoto, equal-parts exhausted and paranoid, insists that the Okotan Alliance must immediately prepare an expedition across the ocean to track down Dweller.

Naturally, everyone inquires as to how they’d track down Dweller, and where he’s even going in the first place- There is no land beyond Okoto, right? At that point, Lewa interjects, recalling the story that Kulta the Skull Grinder told him… About how the Skull Raiders hailed from a cursed land, travelling across the ocean in search of a better, safer place, and found Okoto. On a hunch, he immediately theorizes that perhaps this is where Dweller is headed?

Expecting to be shot down, Lewa is surprised when Narmoto confirms this with total certainty, promising this is exactly where Dweller is going. Narmoto himself knows the exact coordinates of this cursed land, the one that the Skull Raiders fled from all those centuries ago, and promises to Ekimu that as bad Yagavo is, he will never be the threat Makuta once was- Because right now, a far worse threat is looming in the horizon. The Shadowed One has a fragment of the Mask of Life… And if he does, it’s possible he’s looking for more, or worse, already has most –if not all- of them!

Shaking, a rattled Narmoto insists that defeating The Shadowed One is now Okoto’s top priority, that as bad as Yagavo is, The Shadowed One is even worse. Everyone calms down Narmoto as his ramblings become frantic, demanding to know how he knows all of this, recalling that his past with Dweller still hasn’t been elaborated upon.

With Narmoto confronted and in a corner in more ways than one, he hesitates… But nevertheless, he turns around, and tells the truth, or at least part of it;

Narmoto was from this cursed land, a native to it like Dweller. He was once a terrible, awful person- An irredeemable murderer, thief, and criminal like Dweller. He served alongside many other people like him in a group, a mercenary organization known as the Dark Hunters, of which The Shadowed One is the ancient founder and leader of.

Narmoto is from there, this island… the cursed land of Xia.

More questions come in, but Narmoto insists that Ekimu set to work making a craft that can transport everyone to Xia. Arguments rise up, becoming heated before it’s all finally settled and calmed down. Narmoto explains that while he was a Dark Hunter, something happened to him that made him question everything- And tired and disgusted of it all, he sought to leave Xia and find a better place. He had heard of Okoto from a Dark Hunter named Shadow Stealer, and wanting to be free of Xia’s corruption, he headed there in a canister.

When Narmoto arrived, he changed his name and arrived in Tawahi, claiming to have been the child of Okotans who tried to live beyond the Mega-Villages, only to be slain. Chilled, Tahu, Jaller, Takua, and Kapura remember this story well, their faith in Narmoto now terribly shattered as they regard him like a completely different person.

Narmoto assimilated himself into Tawahan culture, eventually becoming the Protector of Fire. He had been surprised and dismayed to hear of the Skull Spider threat upon arriving… But after seeing Okoto’s beautiful, lush wilderness, and the goodness of the people there, he became determined to fight on their behalf. Narmoto insists that THAT is not a lie- But it doesn’t matter. As far as Narmoto is concerned, he can be stripped of his Protector status and thrown into a prison cell for the rest of his life… He’d be fine with this, so long as the Okotan Alliance heeds his warnings, and goes after The Shadowed One.

For years, Narmoto had been paranoid, knowing of Dweller’s presence somewhere on Okoto. He never mentioned Xia or his true past, being ashamed of it, and terrified that if the Tawahans found out, then Dweller might consider them a liability as well, and… kill them.

Narmoto was scared that the Dark Hunters might one day track him to Okoto and get their revenge, and in the process hurt his loved ones in the crossfire.

Silent, everyone else considers Narmoto’s story… But nevertheless, they are rightfully angry, something Narmoto does not fault them for. Regardless, he insists to Ekimu, swearing on his life that The Shadowed One must be stopped at any and all costs- That whatever he has planned now regarding the Mask of Life’s fragment, it will undoubtedly be cataclysmic.

Ekimu, having witnessed firsthand the Great Cataclysm, agrees that The Shadowed One cannot be allowed to recreate the Mask of Life- Something he and Narmoto already suspect him of.

Of course, the Protectors point out that there is still the matter of Yagavo to deal with- They can’t leave all of Okoto defenseless, unless they plan to transport the entire population to Xia. Arguments and discussions are held, and finally a decision is held. A group of Okoto’s best warriors will head to Xia, to stop The Shadowed One and retrieve at least one fragment of the Mask of Life- With the Mask of Control, Ekimu can destroy this fragment completely. From there, the Okotan group will continue to investigate into The Shadowed One’s plans, and deduce if the destruction of the fragment will stop him; If so, they will return home and help with Yagavo once more.

The rest of Okoto, Ekimu included, will remain on the island to combat Yagavo and the Brotherhood of Makuta’s return. Narmoto is a bit dismayed that they aren’t going to bring an entire army, warning everyone that even without the Dark Hunters, Xia is a lawless, dangerous place. Many groups and dangers exist, all at each others’ throats, and people are constantly killed in the crossfire everyday.

Intimidated, the others reassure him that they’ve fought Skull Spiders, Skull Warriors, Rahkshi, Energy Leeches, and Elemental Beasts; Nobody is invincible, but they’re used to danger at this point. A guilty Narmoto, accepting his comrades’ faith in one another, is the first to volunteer, deciding that if anyone dies on the mission to Xia, it should be him.

The others are concerned about his mindset, but with mixed feelings, agree that this only makes sense. Eventually, a decision is held; The Toa and Protectors will go on this expedition, in order to assuage Narmoto’s concerns. In addition, they will be joined by the likes of Jaller, Takua, Hahli, Macku, Kopeke, Matoro, Kongu, Tamaru, Hewkii, Hafu, Nuparu, Onepu, and Taipu.

Obviously, some reservations are held, especially amongst the Toa, about abandoning Okoto. Ekimu reassures them that they’ve done their part in slaying Makuta; They’ve done so much for a world that they had no connections to, prior. Besides, Ekimu and the Okotan Alliance are stronger than ever, while the Brotherhood is only getting weaker. Ekimu reasons that they should trust Narmoto’s warnings- And if not those, then they can trust what Ekimu has to warn about the Mask of Life.

Any trace of that cursed, heretical creation must be wiped out from existence, just to be safe. Just one fragment should be sufficient, but just in case, if it can make their conscience sleep at night… Then maybe the Toa can help Ekimu find and destroy the remaining pieces.

Emboldened, the Toa make plans to pack up. The Okotans are dismayed to hear that some of their best warriors are leaving, and shocked at the news of Xia and Narmoto’s past. Indeed, his fellow Protectors aren’t sure how to look at him anymore, and Lhii and Narmoto’s wife don’t know how to feel. Lhii begs Narmoto not to leave, and hesitating, Narmoto remembers why he left Xia, only to take on an entire swarm of Skull Spiders…

He promises to return home alive, then. At that moment, Narmoto decides that while his guilt is real, his son and wife are actually tangible beings. They don’t deserve to lose a family member, at least not more than Narmoto deserves punishment and justice. Maybe he can atone in some other way… but for now, Narmoto makes the decision to come back alive, all while ensuring that The Shadowed One’s plans are ruined.

Farewells are held, for the timebeing, as the lingering concern in the air remains palpable; That some may not return alive. Still, life has always been difficult, and those going on the Xian expedition have always been willing to die for Okoto. This sucks, but so has life until now. They may as well get this over with, right?

Narmoto introduces Ekimu to the canister he used to arrive on Okoto all those years ago, hidden in the basement of his home. Analyzing its incredibly complex mechanisms, Ekimu notes that it’s more advanced than anything he’s seen Nuparu make, all while having nothing to do with Life energy. Even as Nuparu and her fellow Marn engineers obsess over the canister, fascinated, Narmoto notes that Xia is a technologically-advanced island. It has no deities nor Masks of Power- Thus, its technological progress developed in a completely different way.

Working together with Marn engineers, Ekimu crafts a powerful vessel by reverse-engineering the canister’s schematics. Tapping into his power over Creation, he constructs a powerful aquatic vehicle, one capable of travelling across the brutal, devastating storms and hurricanes that surround the endless ocean. Upon considering a name for this new vessel, Ekimu is given a suggestion; Lhikan, the name of an old friend who had helped Narmoto change his life for the better…

The Okotan expedition finishes packing up, making sure to keep it a secret from the Brotherhood of Makuta. Yagavo saw the Mask of Life fragment that Dweller had, giving everyone more reason to head to Xia, in case the Brotherhood wanted to retrieve it as well. Thankfully, the Brotherhood of Makuta has no presence on Xia, with Narmoto having never heard its name during his time there.

The final farewells are held. Transmitting data between the canister and the Lhikan by incorporating the cylinder into the ship, Narmoto sets coordinates for Xia. The Lhikan, fully-automatic, lets its passengers board as they bid farewell; And then its hatches close down and shut tightly, as the powerful ship begins rocketing off into the endless oceans beyond Okoto.

Elsewhere, Dweller hurries through the halls of a darkened fortress, finally arriving inside a throne room. A shadow is cast over him by the sole inhabitant of this throne room; The Shadowed One, an ancient, powerful warlord. Dweller reports that he has retrieved the final fragment of the Mask of Life, that all six are now on Xia; Now all the Dark Hunters need to do is find the remaining five. However…

Dweller reports that he failed to kill Narmoto and the Toa, and now the Okotans are likely aware of Xia and the Dark Hunters. Dweller is certain that they’re heading to Xia at this very moment, planning to stop whatever The Shadowed One has planned. Dweller apologizes profusely for his failure, begging forgiveness, and The Shadowed One playfully contemplates a horrific punishment…

But, he decides that enough hands have been severed today. Dweller is off the hook, for now, and will be instructed on a new mission. The Shadowed One takes the Mask fragment into his clawed-palm, identifying it as the Fragment of Jungle, and orders Dweller to send a message throughout the entire organization via telepathy. All across Xia, Dark Hunters hear The Shadowed One’s voice, as he tells them to prepare to make a nice, warm welcome for the heroes of Okoto…

#bionicle #Bionicle RaE #part 3 #xia #dark hunters #the shadowed one #toa #okoto

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witcheskin · 6 years

Text

To the man I call ‘boss’

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. You walked through the door and your presence engulfed the room, my body broke into a sweat and my heart began to race. You smiled at me as our eyes met and offered an apology. You took a seat and I could feel your eyes boring into me and the heat rushing to my cheeks, but I plastered a smile on my face and kept talking. A mixture of thoughts flooded my mind. Instantly I was drawn to you, was it chemistry or was self-destruction? I felt a touch of arrogance and something that made me anxious and fearful and yet there was compassion.

Fast forward to October.

You saw that I was struggling and you offered me what I believed to be a lifeline at the time, but I think you bit off more than you can chew. You knew I had problems, but you didn’t know how to deep. You only saw my surface and you thought you could manage the superficial layer long enough to get what you wanted from me. You said you wanted to mentor me, but you never expanded on what that meant and at the time I was still me. I was still in a good place mentally and I checked you on that bullshit because my intuition told me you had other things in mind and I said no. You looked taken back and you had to shake your head as if you were physically wiping the look off your face and discarding your emotion.

Time passes and I revisit the topic with you. My world is spiraling out of control, i’m oscillating mentally and i’m falling into the rabbit hole. I wanted something, I wanted someone. I needed hope and support and I forgot about the feelings when I was with you. The excitement, the fear, the anxiety and all I knew was that I felt you were the only one that was seeing me. That you saw past my facade and saw how hard I was falling a part, but little did I know then that there was more to come. I still had a way down the rabbit hole. You agreed to mentor me, but we never really spoke much on the subject until after you disappeared.

It’s December now.

I reached out to you on social media and sent you a friend request. I kept opening my chat several times a day and looking at your picture thinking of what to type to you, but everything seemed inadequate. I couldn’t find the words and so I would leave things as they were and I let you bridge the gap. What I thought was then an investment and acknowledgment now feels empty and like you were grasping at straws trying to find something to let me make a connection t o you and it didn’t take much for me to do so. I sense you knew that already though, there’s something about your smile that feels warm and inviting, but there’s something to you that’s frightening. Regardless I took the bait and my honesty got the best of me. I opened up to you because I had no one else and I thought you believed me, I thought you cared about me. Even now I’m not sure. There’s a part of me that felt and saw the emotion in your face and could feel it engulfing me when we met in person, but I also question was what I felt real or was it the aftermath of extended emotional abuse?

We’re out for lunch and you tell me about some work experiences and I feel like you’re masking the truth. Then I catch a glimpse of rage and my blood runs cold, you are just as dangerous as I first sensed, but then you swallow it and bury it deep inside you again and you are yourself. Calm, composed and warm again and somehow I find myself forgetting what I’ve just witnessed. I feel like i’m in a cloud. Always in a fog with you, what was it that I just saw? What did I wanted to say.

Were in your car and you ask me why I wanted to meet you out and I find myself speechless, I don’t know. I never know what I wanted to say to you. In reality I was afraid that if I told you the truth that you would turn out to be the man I feared you were. My actions never mattered much in this scenario. It was only ever about you and what you wanted. I cry, and this may be when you hug me or try to kiss me. I don’t remember. I wanted it and I hated. Wanted it and I feared it. Wanted you, hated you and feared you.

January we met in a house you were fixing up. It was like you forgot you had invited me, if you wanted me so badly why did I have to text you to make sure we still had plans? I arrived and you never came to the door, you didn’t even have your phone on you. I walked into a place I had never been and stopped to take it all in. I hear your music streaming from your phone and noise off in the distance. I walk to your phone to turn off the music but i can’t access your device. I scan searching for you and decide you must be upstairs. I climb up the staircase you’re sweeping the floor and your back is turned to me. I remain quiet and just stare at you. There’s something pleasant about this moment, maybe because when you’re back is turned to me you’re not threatening. You’re vulnerable. After a few minutes pass you turn and see me and you’re startled and jump back. You didn’t hold still, just kept moving from room to room. Hardly talking, but occasionally making small talk. I couldn’t tell if you wanted to talk and for me to listen or if you wanted me to, but one thing is certain you couldn’t stand the silence. I follow you from room to room like a lost puppy, the theme of our relationship. A power struggle I had no chance of winning. Time passes we’re sitting on the stairwell, you had planned for me to make the first move and had anticipated me knowing what I wanted and I was never certain. I wrestled with my intuition while drowning in my mental illness and clinging to the idea that you were my white knight on shinning armor when you were another dragon I needed to slay. Unfortunately, I never listened to myself.

You bent me over the counter and fucked me from behind. There were a lot of superficial thoughts. Time passes and once you’ve finished I feel content and whole for a brief period, however after several minutes the euphoria subsides and my mania kicks in. I wanted more of everything, but you put a wall up and I convinced myself that you did it because you cared about me and you didn’t want me to hurt and that maybe had we both been in different places in life it would have worked out.

I’m surprised I didn’t choke on all the bullshit I fed myself over those months, but oh no, this journey isn’t over yet. That was January, let’s go to April.

In April I’m still starving for your attention and I send you some explicit photos to get your attention. I sent them during the “safe time” you had previously told me about, however you daughter has your phone and sees them. Time passes and I don’t remember how much now, it felt like an eternity then, but you didn’t respond and when I reached out to you I offered numerous apologies and took ownership for the mishap and pulled away from you thinking of how I had hurt your relationship and caused turmoil in your life, but you never did reach out to me..I always had to be the one after the initial contact. Why was that? Did I not live up to your expectation? I wasn’t any fun after we fucked the first time? Maybe all of the above and more..and maybe just maybe you never cared where it came from, maybe you just went through a list.

In May we’re supposed to meet for the second time, I lost track of how many “second times” this would have been, but I was still dangling on the string you wrapped around me. I told you about the progress I had made in my career and you seemed please on the surface, but my gut told me you didn’t care..it was all becoming clear and I knew I couldn’t keep lying to myself longer. The last chance I decided would be this day, but you never told me in advance whether or not you’d have to cancel and your cop out this time was something you’d know in advance. The fifth of May I deleted you off social media and blocked you. Archived our messages and removed your number from my phone...Phone, weird..you never asked for my new number, but you cared about me right? You cared about me but your motivational speeches literally stopped after our first series of text messages. If I wanted anything from you I had to beg you for it. Any time I questioned the power dynamic you blew me off....

It’s August now and we haven’t had contact and it’s still hard. It’s hard because I have to exist in the same physical space we once shared. It’s difficult because there’s a part of me that still wants you despite knowing I shouldn’t and that conflict is awful. It’s difficult because in the brief time we were together my mind became conditioned to think of you any time I struggled, you were my safety net..and some days you still are. These memories..the ones i’ve shared above and the ones i’ve kept to myself aren’t as vivid most days. Your image is fading and your imprint on my soul fades with it as well. I’m doing better without you and I never needed you and I knew that all along, I needed to trust myself because all along my journey were so many warning signs. It’s hard because I let myself feel safe in that fact that I could see you on my blocked list and had some odd connection to you, because you were there, but you weren’t...you were tucked away in a box for safe keeping and occasionally I could peer in and still find you, still see you, but now you’re gone and the panic set in..because you were missing and I felt a part of me was missing too, but you can fucking keep that broken part of me. I never want to see her again.

So to the man I call ‘boss’, I love you, I hate you. I fear you, I want you. I resent you and I am grateful for you. In the pain you gave me I found myself again.

To anyone that reads this and reads it in it’s entirety, thank you. This was difficult to write and even my words fall short in comparison to the memories that replay in my mind..I wish I could take you all into the space in my head where these exist...I wanted to write it to help release him and all the conflicting thoughts I have. I wanted to find acceptance, compassion and love for myself in myself and not in him or anyone else anymore and I have. So Thank you.

And to myself,

It’s okay to feel conflicted about him yesterday, today and tomorrow. There were actually good things he did for me and for others, but there were also a lot of fucked up shit he did to me and that’s not okay. The point is we’re all human and complex and I need to breathe and embrace life and let all this pain go with this post. I am getting better and tomorrow I will be even better than I was today.

#mental health #my journey #my struggle #emotional abuse #lies #personal #raw emotion #thoughts #word vomit #self love #compassion #healing #self growth #acceptance

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