#taylorr russell

[sessayyys-corner]

Maren's Soliloquy - A Bones and All writeup

(inspired by the song above; I encourage you to listen to the song while reading this piece)

I try to process, to cope with this sense of guilt lingering through my veins. A sense that lingered ever since he was gone. Lee, the person who gave me security, comfort, and love - all the things I so longed for, is gone.

And it was because of me.

Dying in one’s arms is mostly associated with a situation where a person witnesses someone who’s about to have their last breath. But Lee? He didn’t die in my arms.

He died in my hands. The thing is, I didn’t even want to eat him anyway.

It was his dying wish. I’ve seen how he also suffered during own life, from the stories he told as we drove across the country roads to those he told while sitting in the vast Nebraska grasslands. Losing Kayla, the person who’s got his back way before I came, was the last straw, after enduring years of abuse and the same lingering guilt I am feeling. Losing Kayla meant losing his will to live. And so that was his last request for me. I reluctantly agreed at that moment, and he was gone at the next.

Could I have done something else, rather than having to feed on him?

It continues to ring in my head, along with the guilt living in me. It continues to bother me at my every waking moment. All of nature has witnessed my grief whilst finding my own strength to continue whatever there is for me in this life.

My father left me. Lee has left too. I am left all alone. I am on my own.

If I had cleaned up and rushed to the ER, maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would have lived. Maybe we would have continued to lead normal lives, like how people do.

But I was not a miracle worker. I was not the Christ. I was just a mere human. 

It was his dying wish, and I agreed to it because I loved him. And love also needs sacrifice. He wanted to rest, to be free from all the guilt and the hurt that continuously pestered and bothered him in his life. 

And so, I let him go. 

#creative writing #creative nonfiction #bones and all #timothee chalamet #taylorr russell #movie #luca guadagnino #horror #writeblr #movies #mine #writing #drabble #write up #maren and lee #80s #inspired #timothee #maren yearly #lee