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weedwhoreswitchcraftwriter · 3 years

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Controversial and stigmatized beliefs, propaganda- also known as uh, complete and utter bullshit.

While I was brainstorming this morning, it got me thinking- “Why don’t I do a blog about my top three topics that I have the strongest, beliefs and experience in?”

Today, it’s time we discussed some Drugs, Satanism, and Sex (Work), where you could damn near say that I am as close to an expert on, as expertise gets.

Plus, I figured, why the fuck shouldn’t I break down the stigmatized ignorant belief systems and stereotypes about some of the most misunderstood topics to date?

Welcome to todays episode of: Satan, Sex, Secrets! Fuck Your Stigma: Ep. #1!

Get ready to get fucking schooled, because today, we are going to get raw and in-depth.

Because today, we are going to debunk the most common stigmatized misconceptions about three of the most taboo topics to date- we are talking about Satanism, Sex/Work, and some top secret truths behind these severely misunderstood topics.

Trust me, I would know, as I personally am a Satanist, Sex Worker, and Sex Advocate and Addict…

Stigma, Propaganda, Ignorance. What do these three things have in common, you ask?

They all have one for sure thing in common: they are all fucking loads of bullshit. it can come in endless shapes, and sizes. Sometimes though, it comes in the shape of someone we trust more than anything, in the news, and also in Christianity- but we will, as always, get to that later on.

Well, I suppose I should begin with what prompted me to write this piece, specifically. What prompted me to write this right now was a very motivating,(I feel motivated, anyway!) fucking email, one that speaks to every belief I have in my very existence.

Say the biggest of hellos to the newest fucking member of… THE SATANIC TEMPLE!

Now, let me be crystal clear here, The Satanic Temple, and Satanism overall, is ignorantly misunderstood as fuck. People will read or hear the word Satan-anything, and automatically lose their fucking shit, no bullshit (the people out there that have no common sense to educate themselves before establishing a “belief system”, if you can even call it that.)!

The. Satanic. Temple. Does. Not. Worship. SATAN!!!

A bit shocking, I know.

Here are some very useful facts about The Satanic Temple, as well as Satanism overall-

Let’s Talk Satanism!

Let me start this off, with some useful facts about The Satanic Temple- more specifically, facts directly from TST themselves:

“The Mission of The Satanic Temple is to Encourage Benevolence and Empathy, Reject Tyrannical Authority, Advocate Practical Common Sense, Oppose Injustice, and to Undertake Noble Pursuits.”

Now… let’s compare the mission of The Satanic Temple, vs. the mission of “Christianity”- The Seven Fundamental Tenets vs. The Ten Commandments.

The Seven Fundamental Tenets of TST are as follows: And then there would be The Ten Commandments … But first, let me just say, that is was fucking impossible to even find two versions of Christianity’s Ten Commandments!

I have some very strong beliefs on the topic of Christianity, if I am being honest here.

Although, my beliefs stem from factual evidence and experience, so I do believe I am more than qualified to share them.

Anyways, The Ten Commandments are as follows:

1. I am the Lord your God: You shall not have strange Gods before me.

2. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s Day.

4. Honor your father and mother.

5. You shall not kill.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

7. You shall not steal.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.

From https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/the-true-ten-commandments

So, now you’ve read The Ten Commandments. Now, what about The Seven Fundamental Tenets of TST?

I am in the mood to write a little bit extra today. So, let’s get a little controversial.

i. One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.

ii. The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.

iii. One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.

iv. The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one’s own.

v. Beliefs should conform to one’s best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one’s beliefs.

vi. People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one’s best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.

vii. Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word. https://www.thesatanictemple.com

The most amazing reference I have come across so far, would have to be the “Hail Satan” podcast- more specifically though, “The 10 Commandment” Episode, where real members of TST compare these two (it is actually the best fucking thing, ever.)

Highly recommend this, by the way.

Now, The 10 Commandments, on a very honest base level, is so mother-fucking contradictory, not to mention incredibly egotistically and ignorantly designed for gullible humans to fall victim to- and also? Fun-fact: no matter what religion you identify as, it is not some excuse for mysogynistic “belief systems” nor something that should be used for discriminatory actions, something used to “convert sinners”, and LASTLY- “Sinning” is something that is strictly specific to CHRISTIANITY ALONE!

Therefore, it is factually impossible to “convert sinners”, as you technically cannot be a “sinner” if you are not a Christian to begin with- therefore, it would be literally impossible to “save or convert”, anyone outside of the Christian Religion.

Personally, I would say that the latter (TST), is by far more reasonable to follow- not to mention at least TST is consistent- and justifiable at minimum!

Although, everyone is absolutely entitled to their own opinions!

Believe what ever you so desire, but do not force it upon others just because another human being doesn’t follow the same belief system as you do.

If you evaluate TST and Satanism on a base-level, it is far more realistic and reasonable to follow than most would expect!

A very good example of why educating yourself is so fucking important! Ironically, though, members of TST do not even believe in Satan, or the supernatural- at all!

In all honestly, I have always been attracted to the more “taboo/shock value inducing” type of things in life- hence, me being a Stoner, a Sex Worker and Sex Addict, Poly-addict, and now, proudly, a Satanist.

This is going to be, a several-part series!

Stay Tuned…

So, if those of you who are reading this, have any questions, or stigmas you want to have debunked- leave a comment below and ask me anything!

-Haylee the Satanic Sex Working Stoner

#sex blog #sex blogger #short story #success #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writing #witch+prompts #satan #rant blog

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sarkywoman · 4 years

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I was tagged by @unrememberedskies! Answer 10, ask 10, tag 10 people. Except I’m just gonna answer 10.

1. What was your first fandom? Are you still a part of it?

Depends. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the first time I engaged with other fans consuming fan content and making my own. That was back when I was about 14. The school librarian thought I was so studious lol, on those computers all the time... alas, I was looking at webrings about Spike and Xander. One could make a case for Red Dwarf, which I loved my whole life, owned merchandise and VHS tapes of the blooper reels and watched every ep, memorised the scripts etc, but I think of fandom as something creative/interpretive, which I never did with RD. I wouldn’t say I’m still part of either fandom, though I never stopped being a fan.

2. Current self care method(s)?

Uhh, I do to-do lists. Start of the year I set some goals like I was in an MMO: dailies, weeklies, monthlys, an annual goal and the lifetime love: writing. I try and strike off four things a day, changing up what those things are every once in a while to tackle new issues. I suffer hard with depression and doing something makes me feel I’m not totally failing at life.

3. What are three (3) shows you keep meaning to binge watch but haven’t yet?

I have an A4 page with three columns of show titles to watch... ;_; I have zero attention span for new shows lol, I literally have to put ‘watch TV’ on my to-do list or I won’t do it.

4. Do you stay active in fandoms after a new one catches your eye, or are you more a one at a time person?

Oh, I try. Lord how I try. But no, I move on. Someone actually once posted a fandom secret on LJ about how they hoped my new fixation would crash and burn so I’d go back to writing for my old fandom. I took it as a compliment XD

5. What was the last movie you saw with someone else? What would you rate it?

I think it was Birds of Prey? I enjoyed it, then actually enjoyed it more on the rewatch, once I knew what was going to happen and could look at the themes and appreciate the way they’ve written Harley without being at the edge of my seat growling “WHERE IS HUNTRESS SHE IS WHY I’M HERE?!?!”

6. Favorite guilty pleasure?

Um, I dunno. There are a few people who try to make me feel bad for liking things that they deem ‘childish’ but I figure I’ll just keep making it clear they can fuck right off. I only get one life and it’s not turning out great, if I want to read comics and play computer games in between trying to get tedious adult shit sorted out, then I will.

7. What’s a highly underrated show/movie/book series that you would recommend?

Show: Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. Specifically season one, which was just so damn weird and wonderful and had Samuel Barnett acting his socks off as an adorable sunshine man while telling an unusual story about not being perfect but making the effort to be better. Season two was okay, but didn’t thrill me in quite the same way.

Movie: This won awards and has been critically acclaimed so probably doesn’t count, but I see a lot on tumblr about how Joker sucked or was problematic or whatever. As a neurodivergent person in a few ways, that film blew my fucking socks off. I cried. I went to see it four times. He gets seen, but only once he’s beyond saving.

Book: Terry Pratchett’s Discworld is the only fantasy I’ve ever felt worth reading. Again, I struggle to determine what’s ‘underrated’, the question probably wants something obscure, but I’m not hipster enough for that XD So I qualify this as if anyone hasn’t read Discworld novels, they’re being unfairly underrated because everyone should read them. I like the night watch ones best and I’m gutted they’re making a show inspired by them that will look nothing like them and carry nothing of the themes and fun.

8. Any new hobbies you’ve started during quarantine? Any you want to start?

I’m still working :/ Other than that, keeping up with my usual. Writing, studying very basic Law, gaming, tidying/cleaning. This week I’ve cracked out my old roleplay books and started generating UA character templates for fun. Oh, I vaguely started studying Latin too. I read Great Expectations, which was kind of dull. Now I’m reading a book about Nuclear War propaganda in the UK.

9. What meme do you wish would just die already?

Tiger King ones because I haven’t seen it and I’m out of the loop XD

10. Spread the love to your followers and post at least one link to a fic you’re reading/have read/wish to read/you’ve written yourself/etc.

I don’t read nearly enough these days but All That I have to Lose by @unrememberedskies is a delightful piece of Kliego angst, @spikeymarshmallows recently wrote an OD Kliego bit called a steady beep that’s a bit of angst set in her otherwise-mostly-peaceful/sexy museum ‘verse. Now that netflix is showing Community again let me tell you that @freshgratednutmeg wrote me whore!Jeff once, Transactional Methods and Theories. As for my own fic, it’s on my AO3 here. (My highest kudos work is an utterly self-indulgent vampire Game of Thrones AU called ‘Noble Blood’, go figure, but my writing improves as time goes on. If you’re into Borderlands, I’m still very proud of my Rhack fic, ‘Young God’.)

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do it!

#long post

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krawalito · 5 years

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Reylo and my meta/predictions

So i was watching almost every video i could find on youtube and read almost every meta i could find online regarding reylo, kylo/ben or rey since i joined this fandom.

So first of all this fandom rocks.

And now i make my own meta and predictions for the last episode. While i don’t like to to adore myself with borrowed plumes i like to thank all of the people inspiring me on tumblr and youtube.

So first of all what is SW about? its about family, love, hope, friendship dozed with a little action. SW is not a pure action movie. SW is not a pure drama and its neither a pure comedy. So what to expect when a movie is about family, love, hope and friendship paired with some war and action? Well, there will be loads of love in it. i am not even sure if the so called Antis just refuse to accept that or if they are indeed not able to see it. but enough of them and lets start with my results of the investigation. I call it investigation because the last month really felt like it haha.

So what do i think happens in ep 9?

Definately Relyo. I have absolutely no doubt it will happen which was different when i came here because i was afraid of another jonerys tragedy (no i am not comparing GOT with SW but a ship is a ship and it broke my heart)

I am convinced that the force brought these two together and we all know that the force is strong. Why did the force do it in the first place? Because its out of balance and the chosen one which was assumed to be Anakin failed. Why did Anakin fail? It was his possesive love for Padme and a few other reasons i am not going to mention here though. Love made him weak. We could now argue love makes kylo/ben weak too but its the opossite. And why do i think that? First of all Ben is not Kylo. Ben is Ben he just chose to give himself a different name but deep down its still the same person. Its like in real life when people try to be someone else because the pain is too much to cope with. With Ben though its much more complex which deserves its own meta.

So who makes love stronger and not weaker? Ben Solo.

Who is Ben Solo? First of all he IS the last male skywalker. Thats a fact which has also been confirmed multiple times. No idea why people still questioning that. He is a troubled young men who is strong with the force and falls in love with Rey. Sounds familiar? Look around happens all the time in real life too. And we learned that SW is about Love. People who watched and i mean who really watched all the previous movies will agree with me on that. I mean Anakin and Padme? Han and Leia? Lukes love for his father? Obi Wans love for Anakin? I could go on and on and on...

Coming back to the force and why it brought Rey and Ben together. When the force chose Anakin it failed. why? Because the force did not know that it needs two. The Ying and yang if you will. This is simple physics actually. Put one on a scale and it gets out of balance. Why Ben? Because he has this Skywalker blood which seems to have a certain importance in the Galaxy. Why Rey? Oh i can already hear people screaming because she is a skywalker, too. NOPE. She is not. Why isn’t she? Does it make sense to have two Skywalkers bringing back the balance to the force? NOPEbecause Luke and Darth Vader/Anakin couldnt either. They both failed. but they did not fail REDEMPTION!

Yes, there will be redemption. There has to. You cannot have an inbalanced person bringing balance back to the force. How will he be redeemed? First of all its Ben who needs redemption not Kylo. There is no Kylo. He needs to truly want it. but what will initiate it? LOVE. Love from his family and Rey. I do not really know how this will happen but i expect that Luke and Anakin will play a role in it too. The Skywalker saga would not come to an end if not all of them ending it. so i really really hope we will see them in whatever way possible. Maybe in the world between worlds, who knows.

Who is Rey?

I truly have no idea but what makes the most sense from my perspective is she was created by the force in some way. Ben did not lie to her when he said they were filthy junk traders selling her but i highly doubt they were her real parents. i also think that someone bought her and was trying to hide her for her own protection. From what? from the dark side of course. She would have made a good new apprentice. Who was the person who brought her there? i have no idea. I dont think it was Luke or Han, they would have remembered and since both are dead i would have expected it to be mentioned. Maybe it isnt important enough and we will never learn the truth or it will be a big surprise and it was leia or someone else we do not expect it to be.

I dont think she will ever go dark and i also believe that dark rey is either a vision or it wont even make it to the film. Rey can have dark moments here and there but not to a large extend. She is light, she believes in people, she fights for love and she fights for what is right. that is also the reason why i do not believe she is palpatines granddaughter. There was no indication so far so that would be a total gamechanger and i doubt we have enough time for that plot. What i do believe though is he knows about her and is trying to win her for his side. The novel indicates she heard a voice saying „kill him“ but she refused. I could be wrong though and this is exaclty what happens. i wont like it i am totally honest here but i trust J.J.to make it make sense.

Palpatine alias Darth Sidious. He is pure evil. The latest poster and trailer indicates he is coming back.

but how? I dont think he will be an incarnation or himself but spiritual. His mind is alive but not his body. So what does he want? What he always wanted evil power. He thought Anakin will bring him all this power but we all know how that ended. He sees another chance, another skywalker and another person strong with the force. If he could win the both of them he will gain even more power than expected. I have no idea how this will all playout but i could imagine he promises both something they are longing for. How can he be deveated? With Ben and Rey.

Yes, Ben and Rey will team up.

first of all because they have to. Sencond of all because its their fate and third of all because they love each other. How? He needs redemption first and the rest happens naturally.

I believe his redemption arc will start at the end or middle of the second quarter. Or maybe even later in the movie. In the beginning of the film he will remain dark and he will fight against rey. Not because he truly wants to kill her. He loves her he would never do such thing but because they will fight on opposite sides. I also believe they both try to avoid the force bonding/galaxy skype. They might have dreams or visions or i dont know but they will try to avoid it. Which makes them DESPERATE!Because that is not what the force wants and neither is it really what they want cause they are CONNECTEDand that is why their relationship is VERY VERY COMPLICATED. What would be awesome is if Leia senses it somehow and rey and herself have a great chat about it. i would loooove that. I really hope that happens. She has to tell her that she wants someone to wear her mothers dresses. Gosh if that happens i will die in my seat.

So when will we see a kiss? Or their commitment to each other? When do they finally say it?

i really struggle with this one but i think it wont be so obvious and it wont happen in the last 5 mins either. I was thinking about the „i’ll come back to you i promise sweetheart“ quote a lot recently. I am convinced that Ben will say those words to Rey. I think he will do something dangerous and she will be upset. They wont kiss when he says it but i could imagine he will touch her face while he says those words. It will be breathtaking. and that is the moment when i say „i told you so and so did my 9 year old kid (i dont have one but a child can figure Reylo out). I dont even know if there will be a kiss. I would prefer it but if they make it Pride and Prejedice 2005 like its fine. As long as it is 10000000% clear where this leads to. I also think there will be a child or more. But i also think we will not see them. It will be mentioned i guess. Or it will be a vision. Could be anything. But there will be future Solos/Skywalkers. The reason is simple. Disney did not buy LF to end the Skywalker saga for once and for all. They have to leave this door open to have a chance to make new movies related to it. i am fine with that as long as it wont have anything to do with D&D.

So why do i believe reylo is a thing, canon, endgame and one of the best love stories in years (at least for me)

Because it makes sense and its obvious. Its obvious since the TFA. Why? That!

and that!

„it is you“... yes, she is from your visions/dreams Ben

yes rey, its the voice which sounds so familiar and yes thats your prince right there.

and dont get me started with TLJ

yeah we all know what you guys wanted to do in that elevator

this is pure.. so pure

this is not the end for the two of them...

#reylo #reylo fam #reylo shippers #reylo meta

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onestowatch · 4 years

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Paige Talks Process Behind Her ‘Always Growing’ EP [Q&A]

Since Paige was 9, she’s been a singer. Larger than life Disney Channel characters like Lizzie McGuire were her inspiration to share covers on her YouTube channel ‘Paige’s Space’, where she gained thousands of viewers (including Billie Eilish, who shared one to her Instagram story), before switching to original song writing as she approached adulthood.

Writing songs is now a way of life for the 22-year-old. She’s signed to Sony and just released her second EP Always Growing. Her debut major label single, ‘Bloom’, was released in late 2019 and led to a busy run of shows, sometimes playing to tens of thousands of people as she supported New Zealand mega-acts Drax Project and Six60. Here she shares the background to her start in music and how she grew into song writing while staying true to herself.

Ones to Watch: You started singing at a really young age, who or what made you want to start so young?

Paige: I used to watch a lot of Disney Channel as a kid. In the Lizzie McGuire movie, she sings this song at the end called ‘What Dreams Are Made Of’ and, when I was about 7, I performed it in front of my school. I guess that's kind of what started it all. I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of music, and I wanted it to become a reality for me.

You picked up the guitar at a young age, was that a Lizzie McGuire influence too?

My grandad passed away when I was a baby and left my Dad a guitar, but nobody ever touched it. One day when I was about 9, I pulled it out and asked if I could start playing. The next day, I took a ‘sick day’ off school to teach myself. I became obsessed. I mainly taught myself through YouTube, then I did lessons for about a year after I got the hang of the basics.

And how did song writing come into your life?

I think I was just fascinated with songs and I really wanted to have my own. When I was 9, that’s when I started playing guitar, so it was all coming together. Then I realised the stuff I really liked to sing about, and at 12 I started writing! Disney Channel definitely influences the music I like, the pop blended with heavy emotions, really corny songs.

The Billie Eilish re-share on Instagram in 2016 was a huge deal, do you remember where you were when that happened?

I was at university, studying music at the time. I was waiting in line for class and I kept seeing Billie liking a lot of my photos. Then my phone started vibrating heaps and I saw she re-shared one of the songs I wrote. You never think stuff like that really happens, and I was thinking ‘Why did she do that? It’s not that great of a song!’. It was so bizarre.

After that, did you feel a certain type of pressure to put something amazing out?

I felt highly pressured. I’d been waiting for attention from the music industry - at the time I was writing songs and putting them online but didn’t know how to start, so I just thought ‘hopefully someone will see me’, then Billie re-shared it.

Now all these people were seeing me, and I didn’t know what to do. It was stressful; I didn’t get a lot of sleep that week. I actually got myself a manager that day, I was trying to be organized. I feel less pressure now because it’s been a while but at the time it was stressful.

youtube

Your second EP Always Growing is out now, can you tell us about the recording process that went into it?

I recorded it with [songwriter] Josh Fountain, I brought him the song ‘Waves’ which I wrote nearly 3 years ago. It was so hard to finish, and he figured out how the production worked. We also wrote ‘Hit and Run’ and ‘Bloom’, actually every song but two we wrote together. We also wrote ‘Yellow’ which was interesting. That's a very vulnerable song and we wrote it after meeting for just the second time.

It actually wasn’t hard to make the songs - it was a fun process to create a body of work I’m really proud of. The EP is about my growth through mistakes I’ve made and moments I’m not the proudest of, every song speaks to me trying to grow through them. I also wanted to speak about things that matter to me like mental health, gay rights and owning your mistakes.

Given you started song-writing by yourself at such a young age, once you started to write with other people, what was the adaptation like?

I started writing with others once I got to university, I was very protective of my ideas and didn’t want anyone else to have a say in my songs, I found it insulting. I was not good to work with for a while! Then I started writing more and getting used to it. I had a big ego, and I’ve realized that I’m not always right about everything! That’s what writing with other people taught me. Luckily when I got put into rooms with writers like Josh, Djeisan [Suskov] and MAALA, I was ready to write.

Over the course of your career, you can see in your music and who you are online that you’ve stayed true to yourself. Did that become harder throughout your career?

I don’t think it’s hard for me to stay true to who I am, that’s something I’m proud of. I’ve always been happy about being quite honest and real, not moulded into something people want me to be. I also have a really big family who keep my feet on the ground. At times it was hard to check in with myself though, particularly after the whole Billie Eilish thing. That was a very drastic thing in my life, I think because I’ve always liked my grounding.

Does that reflect in the artists you listen to?

Actually, no. Although I really admire Julia Michaels and the way she portrays her vulnerability and speaks her truth, I also like the bold and outrageous. Lady Gaga is my favorite! Miley Cyrus too. They’re down to earth in their own way.

Yeah, I feel like Lady Gaga is just an exaggeration of who she is.

Which I love! I think the music I listen to is quite honest, I tend to be drawn to people personality wise. They don’t mask anything. Maybe that’s why I find it quite easy to be that way.

Over summer you had a few big shows with Drax Project and Six60, how was playing in front of tens of thousands of people?

I loved it! It was my first experience playing festivals, I had never even been to one before! At times though it was a bit discouraging only because you’re the opening act and it can be kind of hard. You’re aiming so high for things, but people aren’t really listening to you sometimes. I learnt a lot from it.

Do you have any tricks to calm the nerves before shows?

I don’t really get nervous; I get really excited! Me and my band members play tag, we stretch. I just have so much energy inside of me! Every summer I’ve either been working at Krispy Kreme or with my mum at the golf course, then this summer everything happened all at once!

Your live set-up has changed, you used to perform with your guitar, right?

I used to perform with my guitar a lot. I had a job singing at a bar where I sang every week. But I always did it with a guitar, never a band. When you play with a guitar you get used to the way you move, and without one I never knew what to do with my hands. Now I don’t ever want to perform with a guitar again, I love to jump around! I love performing, it’s probably the main reason I love making music - watching those Katy Perry and Justin Bieber documentaries, that’s the goal for my career to have some really outrageous production. If I don’t fly in a concert, it’s career over!

Final question, who are your Ones to Watch?

I’m plugging Wells* intensely, he inspires me a lot. He’s doing unique stuff, and people don’t give him the time. I’m a big rap fan too, I’d love to work with Vayne, MELODOWNZ, Wax Mustang. I love Technicolour and Laiika too.

#Paige #Always Growing #Pop

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thecrookedgavel · 4 years

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out.

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it.

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts.

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing.

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way.

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her.

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago.

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode.

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle.

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal.

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears.

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could.

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though.

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either.

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before.

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

#queer #lgbtpride #visualart #podcast #transisbeautiful

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amybethmusic-blog · 6 years

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It was hard for me to decide to actually sit down and write this article, I could see it on my list of things to write about “Staying Motivated”, but I kept sitting at the computer and then saying, “I am the least motivated person I know, why would I write something like that?”

I realized just this morning that I am actually highly motivated. I’m just depressed and lacking a little confidence right now, because not too many things have been going as planned recently.

Staying Motivated is a funny thing, so often we mistake it for a feeling that we get, or something that some people have and others just don’t. Well that’s not exactly true. If it were, the question “what motivates you?” wouldn’t mean anything. Different people are motivated by different things, and even one person will find different aspects of their lives are motivated by different things. For example; I work by day at Smokemart selling cigarettes and tobacco. I hate my job. But I am motivated to go because we have bills to pay.

I have dreams of writing and singing professionally; part of staying motivated at this stage is because I want to get out of smokemart and have a real life with financial freedom. I am also motivated by the fact that these are things my heart has longed for my entire life, somehow they are a part of me, and as a result I will keep on trying for as long as it takes. The feelings don’t stay. Right at this very moment I feel like my dreams are crashing down around me, my attempts to achieve even little goals are failing over and over again and I feel like an absolute looser. This is why it was so hard to sit down and write, I don’t FEEL motivated. I feel like crap.

As I was thinking about it this morning, I started to go over my beliefs about staying motivated, and so I figured I better put what I believe into practice. I believe staying motivated is a choice. Yes it is impacted by our feelings and circumstances, but if something is important to you, you will find a motivation to get it done. Hence I’m writing this article even though I feel like an absolute failure, because currently this blog has two followers, and one of them is me…

I also have plans to release an EP. It was originally going to happen in January this year, then I extended it to March, now I’m just hanging in there to see if it happens this year!

I have a song recorded that needs a music video made in Autumn for all the colours and the beautiful weather, but so many things have come into play to make it nigh on impossible, and I’ve started to wonder if my dreams are too big, or if I really should be dreaming at all. If I can’t record this music video, I have to wait another 12 months to try again.

I recently started busking at a local shopping centre, I borrowed a friends guitar because mine has a damaged pickup which needs repairs. I imagined earning the $75 I needed to repair it on my first night. In actual fact I made $48, of which only $20 was profit as I had bought a music stand that morning for the job. A couple of days later, with no money in our bank account I spent the whole $20 on fuel to get me to the job I hate in the hopes of paying our rent.

If staying motivated was a feeling, I think you get the idea that I ran out a couple of weeks ago.

“Motivation is all about our internal desire to accomplish something that is important to us. This motivation (desire) makes us take action. Motivation is about an unmet need that we want to satisfy; it’s about a goal that we want to fulfill.” May 12, 2018 by ROBERT TANNER, MBA

I’m not going to dive too much into the science of how motivation works, but I do know that regardless of how I’m feeling, I can still choose to stay motivated most of the time. I don’t, but I can 😛

Here are some of the ways I try to stay motivated

Morning Routines;

I’m not very good at mornings. I wish I was and I’m trying to be better, and I guess that’s the main thing. I’ve been trying and failing for months now to establish a morning routine, but when I do achieve certain things in the morning I feel a thousand times better about my day and I usually achieve more. If I can plan out 3 to 4 things I want to achieve in a day, my motivation to achieve them is so much better. I find it challenging to limit myself on my to-do lists as I always have so much to get through! But when I give myself an enormous list and don’t leave any time for the things that are most important to me in the day, I will achieve a lot of little things and still feel crap about what I haven’t achieved. I try to give myself 1-2 important household chores, and 1-2 more meaningful jobs, like writing music, visiting someone important, or writing a blog post. Sometimes this isn’t enough to fill a day, in which case when I find I have some spare time I can think about some of the other jobs I need to do, or consider rewarding myself with some leisure time. This morning I planned out a few things to get done this week on my weekly planner, which helps me see further ahead, so I know what I can reasonably expect to achieve today.

Staying Focused;

I’m also not very good at this one. It’s important to remember why you do what you do, and why your dreams are important, and focusing on what you’re really trying to achieve. Sometimes this gets muddied in our brains by too much stress and too much activity in everyday life. Right now I’m a little confused about what I’m doing, I know what my dreams and goals are, but it’s hard not to get sidetracked by seemingly easier and shorter methods to variations of success. For example I really need to find a way to get some income flowing in, and I want to do it in a way that I enjoy. This is making me question what I should be doing and if I even studied the right degree at uni. It’s a complicated world inside a woman’s mind!

Thinking about these things can be important for staying motivated, however too much deviation from our long-term goals can cause us to lose traction and lose time, when we come back to them we find that we haven’t gotten any further, and possibly even went backwards in pursuit of something else.

Simplify Social Media;

Let’s face it, we all want a “Pinterest Worthy” life, an “#instaperfect” version of everything we do, so in order to stay motivated we spend hours scrolling through Pinterest and collecting little images of what we think we want to be, and spend precious moments trying to get the perfect photograph for Instagram to make sure that people know how excellent our lives are. One little picture with a few likes we think will keep us motivated, knowing that our image is right and people think well of us, but it’s never enough…

I’m not saying we should ditch these altogether; we live in a digital and online world it’s hard to let some of that stuff go, and Pinterest is sooooo useful! Not to mention fun and inspiring, it can also make me cry when I look at too many dog pictures… It can also make me really depressed because one picture can portray a lifestyle that is in reality so far out of reach. And since when did a photograph that makes it look like you’re living a life you’re really not, actually ever help you in staying motivated? The truth is we’re wasting time and emotional energy on a facade, and filling our heads with fantasies of a life that does not exist. Remember to keep things simple. Use Pinterest when you need to find a recipe or a hairstyle. Photograph your reality on Instagram, not specially staged photos. Let’s stay focused on our goals, and keep it simple by clearing away the clutter of creating an image, and instead let’s live the life we are living, and share it as it is, one day we’ll be living the dream and I want to be there to see it!

Hit “Follow” and sign up with your email to catch a post on getting creative with social media!

Take Some “Me” Time;

This is so important! I’m an extrovert and I need people to stay motivated and energized so it can be really hard for me to find ways to appreciate my alone time, or even to schedule it in. I’m not talking about the times when you’re home alone doing the chores and getting the house in shape before your next trip or social event or work day, I’m talking about time spent with yourself alone, doing something that you appreciate.

This can be taking a walk, reading a book, journaling, taking yourself out for a coffee (an excellent motivational tool) gardening, or simply enjoying some sunshine while you sit and breathe. These moments, away from the hustle and bustle of life, can sometimes seem like a waste of time in pursuit of your goals, but it’s here that you collect your thoughts, understand your emotions, re-evaluate your direction, and gather some mental peace that will help you for the rest of the week and help you stay focused. Without it, the busy that is your life, clutter that is your home, and stress that is your work, will all become a busy cluttered and stressed out mess of a heart and mind…not ideal for staying motivated! In fact in my experience, it’s a recipe for depression, anxiety, and becoming overly dependent on others for emotional stability and peace of mind. No one should be responsible for all of that for another person!

One of my favorite things to do is to take a bike ride, when the weather is nice, sometimes I’ll bring along a good book and ind a peaceful spot to sit and read, and soak up the sunshine.

Give Yourself a Break;

This one can be hard, and it may sound similar to taking some ME time, but I’m actually talking about listening to your feelings. Sometimes you just aren’t feeling it and that’s ok, most of the time we need to push through and get stuff done anyway, other times it can be really important to listen to your own feelings and give yourself a break. Staying Motivated is hard work and it can be a strain on your mental health and on your emotions especially when we’re talking about staying motivated to chase your dreams. This doesn’t mean you have to go sit in a spa until you feel motivate again, or put your feet up and sip a glass of wine until the urge hits you to try again…

Truth is it’s taken me a week to write this, because I had to stop and take some breathing space for my head and heart, and I can assure you I wasn’t soaking in a spa waiting to feel motivated again! I was just busy with other things that take up less head space, like organizing my linen cupboard, and trying to find a new job, and general jobs that don’t always get done when they should.

It’s about learning your limits, knowing when to push yourself and when to give it a rest for a while. We all know the old saying “come back to it later”, well it’s true, come back later and you’ll be ready to try again!

There is so much more that could be said for staying motivated, so maybe I’ll have to do a part 2 down the track! A common theme in these tips for staying motivated, is that your mental health is of the greatest importance. Take care of it and staying motivated will come naturally. Hope this week is looking up for you!

Staying Motivated – Chasing Dreams… It was hard for me to decide to actually sit down and write this article, I could see it on my list of things to write about "Staying Motivated", but I kept sitting at the computer and then saying, "I am the least motivated person I know, why would I write something like that?"

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