#the cycle fucking continues. i think it’s only temporary but still… she’s only 13

[muteflames]

my mom kicked my little sister out 😶

#. #the cycle fucking continues. i think it’s only temporary but still… she’s only 13 #she’s gonna be w her dad (my abusive stepfather) but i don’t think he’ll be too bad bc emotional abuse and manipulation is his thing w the #kids that are actually his (w his step kids it’s that + physical abuse) #honestly him and my mom are both fucking master emotional manipulators #truly a match made in fucking hell lol #but anyways #my mom #kicks all of her kids out (or starts threatening too) at like 11… she kicked my other younger sister out when she was 12 and sent her to #live in texas w my grandpa (abusive) and his wife (also abusive) and his wife ended up choking my little sister and then my sister tried to #ride a bike back from texas to our house which is two (three? idk i don’t feel like looking at a map) states away #the first time she kicked me out i was 15 and the second time was a month before i turned 18 #and she left my sister in downtown one time and told her to find her way to my dads who lives in east los and she didn’t even give her any #money for a bus… she went back for her but only bc i was in the car and begged her too for like 15 minutes… and my #sister also didn’t have a phone so she could’nt call anyone to get her

[internationalhouseofblupjeans]

An Eighth Bird, Born Out of the Storm - Chapter 22

Based loosely on the Luume'irma headcanon from @interstellarvagabond

Eighth Bird AU.

We're all caught up now.

Angus reconnects. Lup gets her body back. Taako has two hands.

They all live happily every after.

Thank you to Calcu from the writer’s chat for Beta'ing!!

Also on AO3 (link in the source)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9  Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 below

Dearest Angus Bluejeans-Mcdonald,

Thank you for your wonderful letter, however I must return the admiration as I have become quite the fan of you and your family! Your work as a detective is, of course, admirable and would make Caleb Cleveland very proud. The story of your family and how they fought for a century is amazing, of course, but your story is brilliant as well.

Would you mind if I adapted some of the stories of your cases into the next few Caleb Cleveland novels? We can work out the details later, perhaps over tea with you and your family?

Sincerely, D. M. Gryphon

The first weeks were a whirlwind for Angus.

Rebuilding had to be done on all of Faerun, but people had put aside their differences to work together. Angus had seen elves, orcs, humans … all of them working together. It was as if the principles of the Bureau of Balance (now the Bureau of Benevolence) had infected the world, at least for a little bit.

His family, his giant, extended family, was helping. Was making sure that the world they had saved stayed that way.

And they were also starting to split apart.

Not in a negative way. Not really. It was just odd for Angus to see Merle suddenly deciding to live on the beach or Magnus returning to Raven’s Roost.

Lucretia stayed on the moon and Davenport … well, he couldn’t stay put. Not anymore.

Angus was relieved when Lup and Barry insisted that Taako live with them. It was at least a little bit of normalcy for the boy. Their home in Neverwinter was still being completed so they stayed in housing that Artemis Sterling had set aside for them. It was nice, even if it was temporary.

He didn’t know what he would have done if Taako had turned them down (though, having only truly known his mother for a little while, Angus was pretty sure that that would have been impossible). He was happy though. He still had some semblance of family. Something that was stable.

Most mornings, he was awakened by his mother’s spectral form hovering nearby, the lich smiling (he thought) as she greeted him and told him that breakfast was ready. Some mornings, he would find himself sitting between Barry and Taako, Taako discussing his plans for a proper school while Barry simply hummed into his coffee. Sometimes, Taako and Lup would squabble over something mundane, the argument being more entertaining than anything else.

And some days, Angus would follow his mom to the basement of their temporary home as she hovered in front of the glowing green tank that was growing her new body. She would sometimes notice him and try to ruffle his hair in a comforting way.

Angus was excited and nervous.

~

Lup missed sleep.

She hovered near Barry, watching as he slept, and sighed. She wasn’t sure how many more months it would be but she was getting antsy.

Back when she had known that they would just reset in a year, she could easily pass the time as Barry slept if she was a lich for a cycle while Barry was still corporeal.

But now, knowing that this was it, it made the months tick by horribly slowly.

She had missed sleeping in Barry’s arms, had missed eating, had missed so much.

And in realizing what she missed about being alive, she realized just how much she had actually missed.

She’d missed Taako, missed being there for him when he had been wandering Faerun alone. Had missed getting her revenge on Sazed (prison was too good for him). She had missed helping Magnus, meeting his wife (though now with her new job, she probably could). She had missed Barry and felt absolutely gutted that she couldn’t have been alongside him during that decade alone.

She missed so many firsts with her son.

First words, first steps … First case.

She regretted it but at the same time, this was so much better. It would not have been fair to Angus to have him have to go through everything again. To have to wait to be born. To have to wait to exist.

She left her and Barry’s room and hovered down the hallway. She drifted into Taako’s room where he was sound asleep, plans and blueprints underneath him. She wished she could tuck him in. He would be sore in the morning from the position he was sleeping in.

Kravitz needed to move in. As uncomfortable as living with a reaper while she was a lich was, he was good for Taako. He’d been such a positive influence on him. He’d brought him almost back to being the Taako that Lup remembered.

She smiled and drifted out, making her way to Angus’ room.

She paused at the doorway, looking at the boy as he gripped his sheets tightly, his eyes screwed shut and his ears pressed flat against his head.

A nightmare. He was having a nightmare.

She settled down next to him and gently stroked his hair, as much as she could, and sang to him, hoping to calm him down. She watched his breathing slow and his eyes relax and smiled.

She was about to leave when she heard his tiny voice.

“Mom?” he asked.

She drifted over to him.

“Hey Ango … Are you alright? You were having a nightmare …”

“Yeah … I … I had them a lot,” he started. “They were mostly abstract which … I guess makes sense because of that century but …”

He sniffled and looked up at her.

“You were gone,” he started. “Taako broke the Umbra Staff and nothing came out and then the Hunger took him and took Barry and the Davenport left and … And you were gone …”

Lup instinctively wrapped herself around him, channeling as much energy as she could just so she could hold her son as he cried. It broke her heart to be unable to do more for him.

“Th-thanks mom,” he started. “I … I’m glad that you’re here … even if it took so long …”

Lup smiled and kissed his forehead.

“I’m glad too, Ango … We … we waited so long and you are everything we ever wanted.”

They sat there together until the sun rose, Angus calming down enough that he could start to doze.

~

Merle and Magnus had both come to visit, Magnus offering to help build the Taako-Lup-Bluejeans house (and really, they didn’t trust anyone else to do it after the last foreman quit). Merle sat, watching Magnus work, when he heard a quiet voice behind him.

“Erm … hello sir … Uncle? I guess?”

Merle paled.

He had been dreading this moment for weeks now. The moment he had realized who Angus was, he had decided that maybe he should try to avoid being around the twins. He knew that Lup had seen how he had treated her child and had realized that there was probably some resentment there. He’d felt so much regret because he had once been so excited and now …

“Oh, uh … Hey, Angus …” He started. “Sorry about all .. all of that. I kinda wasn’t myself,” he chuckled, nervously.

“Oh, it’s ok, sir,” Angus started. “I mean, I don’t know why you were like that but I just sort of figured … You know … Here comes this kid and everyone’s going to pay attention to that kid and …”

“God, you’re perceptive,” Merle laughed. “You must get that from your dad.”

Angus laughed nervously.

“I’m just … God, please don’t tell your mom that I threatened to kill you,” he started. “‘Cause you saw what she did to the Hunger. I don’t get to reset this time if she blasts me.”

“Oh, I’m sure she understands,” Angus laughed. “In fact … I kind of wanted to talk to you about that …”

Merle sighed and sat up a little straighter.

“Kid … I’m really sorry-”

“Like I said, it’s ok. I understand. In fact … I kind of … I don’t want things to really change,” Angus started. “Like, there was a whole dynamic and honestly, I got used to it? Like … I knew you didn’t hate me and … I guess I thought it was just done out of love?”

Merle chuckled.

“Well, at the time, I was threatened,” Merle laughed. “You know, threatened by a ten year old because you are actually competent and I … Well, for ten years I was a pretty shitty cleric and here comes this half elf kid who’s good at everything he does and well … I guess I was a bit of an ass.”

“Yeah,” Angus started. “But it’s ok. And if you did suddenly start acting like you cared about me, then everyone would think my mom did threaten you,” he laughed. “So … I guess it can be our secret that you actually care?”

Merle laughed.

“Sure kiddo.”

~

Magnus watched Taako and Kravitz and tried to not let the jealousy sting him.

He’d had Julia. He’d had someone who he loved so deeply but there was still that tug in his heart when he saw Taako smile. Saw him holding Kravitz’ hand.

Saw them kiss.

He knew, of course, that their relationship on the Starblaster had never actually been defined. Had never been anything permanent.

But he could wish.

He was about to leave for the evening when Kravitz approached him. Magnus tensed up, knowing that Kravtiz knew. He knew everything that had happened, knew of Taako’s relationship with him …

And he was the fucking Grim Reaper.

“Hey, uh … So, I wanted to talk with you,” Kravitz started. “I … God, I know that you and Taako had a history and … I don’t want to come between it,” he continued. “I know that Taako has been nervous too and … I’m sorry. If you two decide that you want to start over, it’s alright. I won’t be hurt.”

Magnus froze. He hadn’t expected this at all.

“Kravitz … it’s alright. You and Taako, you have a history now too and if Taako’s happy, then I’m happy. I got my chance at love on this world and it would be selfish of me to-”

The wrapping of a hand around his waist and the sudden intrusion of the elf in question interrupted the pair.

“My ears were burning,” Taako grinned, his arms wrapped around both men’s waists. “Were you two discussing me?”

“Erm …” Kravitz started, nervously.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it and there’s honestly more than enough Taako to go around,” he purred “And you two are literally the only people I would even be ok being this close to so I bet we could make this work,” he grinned between the two.

Magnus looked at Kravitz for any sort of protestations. To be honest, this had been the best option but …

“Come on, you two,” Taako grinned, taking them both by the hand and into their temporary home. “Taako’s got two hands.”

~

Lup had hovered over Taako as he traced the last few runes. She had tried to tell him it was alright, that she could wait for him to do the transmutation needed to make her comfortable in her own skin again after she came out, but Taako insisted.

“Only the best for my sister.”

She smiled, watching him cast the spell as her body changed. She would be able to be corporeal again soon. Able to touch and hold people again.

The excitement was nearly electrifying. She knew, of course, that as soon as she had her body, she would need to get ready to start work for the Raven Queen, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t wait any longer.

It was only a few days later, everyone gathered around to greet her, and Lup was nearly crackling with excitement.

“Now, be careful that you don’t trip,” Barry chuckled. “And I have a robe ready for you when you come out.”

“Thanks, Bare-bear,” she smiled, pressing her spectral form to him one more time before hovering into the tank.

Her family watched, holding a collective breath, as she disappeared into her body. The tank split open and Lup staggered out, the brackish liquid spilling out around her, pressing her long, brown hair to her face. Barry quickly brought the Robe to her and helped her drape it around herself. She looked up at Barry and smiled.

“I forgot how good I look,” she smiled.

Barry chuckled.

“I’m about to smooch your fucking face, babe,” she grinned, pulling him in for a kiss.

When she pulled away, she looked over at the crew, her family, and looked for Angus. The little boy was staring at her, mouth agape. Barry helped Lup over to him and she stooped down to her knees and pulled Angus in close.

“I’ve wanted to do this for over ten years,” she whispered.

“Me too,” Angus replied, his voice cracking.

The rest of the day, Lup was near her boyfriend and her son as much as possible, enjoying actually being able to hold them, to actually be able to comfort Angus when he needed reassurance. It was everything she had wanted for ten years.

She and Barry retired early that night, needing to catch up on ten years and six months of waiting. It was slow and clumsy at points, but they didn’t care. They finally had this closeness, this intimacy once again. As they fell asleep later in the night, Barry held onto Lup as if she would disappear if he looked away, kissing the top of her head and the tips of her ears as she purred into his chest, pressing herself as close to him as possible.

~

It had been a year since the day of Story and Song. A year since everyone remembered.

Angus had been at school (Lucas’ school, much to Taako’s chagrin), but he still sent letters. And Lup had been able to visit and be the proud, protective mother she had wanted to be (Lucas couldn’t keep her away and often would find her in his office, scythe in hand).

And now, the crew of the IPRE and the members of the Bureau of Benevolence were watching as Carey and Killian exchanged their vows.

Lup looked over to see Taako in between Kravitz and Magnus, his hands holding both of theirs. Having Taako going on a vacation into the astral plane would be … odd, but at least she knew he would be back.

She looked back at Barry who was grinning from ear to ear. She gently set her head on his shoulder and sighed happily.

The reception was exciting, with dancing and drinks and good food. Mavis had pulled Angus on the dance floor, much to his protestations. Lup chuckled, watching him. He would have to learn how to dance, eventually.

Then the bouquets were tossed, Lup being dragged onto the dance floor by Taako who had a mischievous glint in his eyes.

She totally noticed when one of the bouquets just gently floated into her hands. She shot daggers at Taako before looking at Barry who was about to die of nervousness. She flicked her ears a little, a soft smile spreading across her face as she hoped he got the message.

He didn’t need to do this now. He didn’t even need to do it tonight.

She had waited for sixty-four years. She could wait until he was ready.

The reception continued well into the night, long after Carey and Killian had left for their honeymoon, and Barry pulled Lup aside to dance in a more secluded area. She rested her head on his shoulder as they bobbed back and forth to the music. Barry finally pulled away and smiled at her, cupping her face in his hand.

“Lup … I … It’s been so long and I know that we’re, you know, a thing. But … I still want to make this official … And … Taako wanted me to do this earlier but I was so nervous and I didn’t want to steal anyone’s moment and …”

Lup cupped Barry’s face in her own hand and smiled.

“Barry, it’s ok. I’m not quite the attention seeker that Taako is and honestly, I like it better this way,” she smiled.

Barry breathed a sigh of relief and dug in his pocket before kneeling.

“Magnus carved it. And I’m sure they want to see but … Yeah, they’re probably all drunk off their asses anyway,” he laughed, nervously. “But, Lup … I want to spend eternity with you. And I mean, I know that we will spend eternity together but I want everyone to know that I love you and that I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me … Will … Will you marry me?”

Lup beamed at him, her grin burning brighter than the sun as she threw her arms around him, kissing him and whispering “Yes” over and over in his ear.

If they had been watched, no one had said anything. They had this private moment that they could savor.

They had an eternity together and it was time to begin.

~

Lup stood outside the doorway to Angus’ room. She bit her lip, looking down at the doorknob before knocking quietly.

Convincing Kravitz has been the easy part. That was the thing about the twins. It was already impossible to say no to either of them and after saving reality, the Raven Queen owned some favors.

But she needed Angus’ input too.

And she needed to know.

“Hey sweetie. Can I come in?” she asked.

“Sure mom!” Angus chirped on the other side of the door.

Lup smiled and opened the door, seeing Angus sitting on his bed, books and scrolls laid out on front of him.

“Uncle Taako gave me a pretty good offer, but I'm seeing if I can maybe learn and get a little bit more out of him,” Angus grinned mischievously, looking at his mother. His ears twitched when he saw the nervous look on her face. “Is … Is everything ok, mom?”

“Uh … yeah, kiddo,” Lup started. “I just … I wanted to talk to you about something. To ask you if … If it would be alright or even a good idea if I -” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I just … I wish I had been around and I still feel bad about it, sweetie. And … I was wondering if you would be alright if I went and thanked … Grandpa?”

Angus’ ears twitched again.

“Why wouldn’t it be alright?” Angus asked.

“Because … Because I was gone. I wasn’t in your life and who knows how he thought of the mother of the child who he took care of and … God, what if he hates me?”

Angus crawled off of the bed and ran to Lup, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Mom, he would never hate you. And even without the story and the song, he still talked about your … well your case. He talked about how brave my mother must have been, protecting her son with the last of her strength. He never said anything bad, I promise. And if he did now then … well, I know that you love me and that you always have.”

Lup hugged Angus close.

“Thanks sweetie,” she whispered. “Do you want to -”

“Wouldn’t Uncle Kravitz say it was against the rules?” Angus asked.

“He took Taako over for a weekend. I’m sure a quick visit to your Grandpa won’t be an issue,” Lup laughed, ruffling Angus’ hair.

It was decided then, and on the weekend before Candlenights, Lup, Barry, and Angus went through the portal to the Astral Plane. Angus had bundled up, knowing that the air would be chillier, even in the Astral Plane, and he tried not to show how nervous he was. He hadn’t seen his grandpa in over two years now.

They walked over to an island, set up with a small cottage - a far cry from the mansion that Angus remembered growing up in. They walked to the door, Barry knocking on it sheepishly.

The door opened and Angus grinned.

There was his grandpa.

Just as he had always wanted to remember him.

He still had the kind smile that Angus remembered, but he was younger. He was as he had been in Angus’ earliest memories.

“Wow, you’ve sure grown a lot, Angus,” Grandpa McDonald smiled.

“Thank you, Grandpa!” Angus beamed.

Grandpa McDonald’s eyes met with Lup and Barry’s. Lup smiled, weakly, her heart hammering in her chest.

She had been preparing herself for this day, but even now, even with the encouragement from Barry and Angus, she worried. She worried that he resented her. She worried that, even though he was being polite, he still thought poorly of her.

It was why she nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt two strong arms wrap around her as Grandpa McDonald pulled her in for a tight hug.

“Your son brightened my life so much,” he whispered. “Thank you for making sure I got to meet him.”

Lup felt tears pricking her eyes as the embrace ended. Then Grandpa McDonald turned to Barry.

“So, you’re the BB that was giving him the birthday presents each year?” he smiled.

“Heh, yeah,” Barry started. “When I was in my body it was like I had holes in my brain, but after I ran into Angus one day and well … remembered after dying yet again, I made sure I could at least give him something every year. Even if I wasn’t sure he was my son at the time.”

Grandpa McDonald smiled and beckoned them into the cottage.

“Come on in! I am sure that you want to hear stories about him and maybe see some of the portraits? Sure you can’t take everything with you, but Kravitz and I go back a ways, so he allowed this for now. Now let me tell you about Angus’ first words …”

We pan out as they walk into the cottage on the island that rises out of the glittering sea of souls,  Barry placing a hand on Lup’s back while Lup pulls a slightly embarrassed Angus in close. We fade out as they step over the threshold as a family.

#blupjeans #barry bluejeans #lup #angus bluejeans #angus mcdonald #taako #magnus #taagnitz #merle highchurch #Lucretia #davenport

[good-apollo-imburning]

Bad Memory

My parents always told me that I have a bad memory.

When I have my good days, I don’t really remember how I could possibly have bad days. I see flowers blossom so vividly, I feel his lips against mine and beam so brightly, and the way my dogs’ ears flatten and how hard their tails wag when they see me.

When I have my bad days, I don’t know how I can ever have my good days again. I can feel the cold metal against my willing flesh, the sweet and temporary release of it and the crash afterwards. The long lines on my skin, like constellations, connecting one painful night to another, except there’s nothing beautiful about this starry sky. Their shallow crevices telling me that I didn’t do my job properly.

The battlefield of mashed potatoes and gravy swimming on my plate, the way my fork seems to skirt around and the inevitable waterfall of technicolor food spewing back up, I can remember those things. The guilt afterwards. The acid that creeps up for the rest of the day. The way my gums gleam ruby red and bleed whenever I brush my teeth. I remember when I see the flashing black numbers beneath my pink toes, screaming back at me that I’m not trying hard enough. The reminder that I’m not sick enough.

I can recall the way people’s words sink into me like poison, sliding into my veins and crippling my perception and feeding my self doubt and hatred. Do people care? What do they think of me? Do I look okay? Is my hair okay? Am I too big? Is my voice too loud? Too low? Do I take up too much space? Am I enough? The slightest change of tone, the tiniest inflection, the way the syllables clash against my ear drums, I can never forget the way how every comment can be turned against me.

Am I enough?

I can remember your fingers and the way you dragged him across those hardwood floors that you worked so hard on laying down. The pride of building this masterpiece of a household and the solidity of its foundation shaken by years of alcoholism and reminders of past infidelity. These well painted walls hung with beautiful frames shattered by the punches and black eyes given to my brother as he lied and told the school that he fell. The cabinets knew the guilt I felt as I watch with wide eyes and my saltwater gaze dripped and ran as my ears rang with their screams.

“He’s a bad kid,” they told me. “He deserves it,” they told me.“ I had plenty of food in the cupboards, never had a cold night in bed, and had clothes on my back, but I crawled on my stomach and foraged like an animal for any sort of compliment from them. I believed them. "He deserves it,” I whispered as I heard him thrown about like rag doll. “He’s a bad kid.” I ate up their words as they spoon fed me this mantra.

He hated me. I don’t blame him. He was in pain. I let him drown. He stabbed me. I broke his arm. He broke my fingers. We screamed at each other like a well rehearsed recital. I don’t think either of us meant to be violent. We didn’t know better.

We didn’t know that whiskey wasn’t meant to be drank like water. We didn’t know that vodka wasn’t prescribed over the counter for a broken heart. My dad cheated on my mom when we were young. My mom had a heart attack and other ailments and was slowly withering away. Maybe her broken heart felt shattered in more ways then one. She hated him. He never forgave himself. They started dated at 13. They married at 19. They were children with adult bodies and adult expectations. It was too much. They were thrown into a world they weren’t ready for. They didn’t know better.

My brother left as soon as he turned 18. When he left, I thought that life could be normal. I thought that me, being the good child that I was, could make them happy again.

I, too, was actually a bad child.

I didn’t remember their snide comments throughout the years until my brother left, until his vacancy required me to fill it. “You should exercise more,” they would tell me when I was 8. “Are you a fucking dyke or something?” My dad asked me when I only had guy friends and wanted to sit by them during middle school orientation. “Music is a waste of time,” when I mentioned I wanted to learn the flute. I practiced so hard that my teacher thought it was natural talent. I practiced when they weren’t home because they thought it was annoying.

Was I good enough?

“You need to really cut back,” my mom would say when I took an extra slice of pizza, or when I asked for ice cream when we went out. I remember hearing her wretch after every meal, and the way her fork scraped her plate as she claimed to not be hungry after organizing her food as she did with everything in her life.

I remember the day I stopped eating. I had a plum. I was so hungry but I was tired of hearing how I wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t skinny enough, and how my very body took up too much space. I wanted to rip out every single piece of fat, lay it out and prove that I was strong and could be thin enough. It was one of the days that I had senior pictures scheduled. I felt faint, but I was in power finally.

It wasn’t enough for them. They tore into my guts and stomach and reach for my heart. They cracked open my brain and planted the seeds of mistrust and fear. She was a weaver of words. “You’ll never amount to anything.” “You’re tearing this family apart.” “Why do you think we drink?” 

I tried to be my dad’s ally, his shield for when she shrieked and threw his infidelity into his face. Her claws tore into my face and claimed that he was fucking me instead. My heart grew cold as I watched him withdraw from me and become a bystander as she continued to pry and mentally unhinge me. 

He would step in when I would push back. When my mom would slap me and kick me and I finally had enough and would push back, that’s when I would see red. His fists connecting with my temple. I saw Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night. I saw the Mona Lisa’s smile on my mother’s lips as he would grab my shirt and say that no one could touch her that way. I could see every grain on those hardwood floors as I was dragged across them. 

I was so thin and in so much pain and I finally had enough. I left that household and live abroad. I thought it would make everything better, that leaving that house and pushing everything away would make everything okay. 

But my days were filled with empty eyes and stomachs, and my nights were filled with dripping beds and screams as I woke from constant nightmares. Leaving Europe and returning back to the States reminded me that I couldn’t just leave my troubles at the airport. I hoped from lover to lover, running as soon as I thought they would leave. I drank and binged and purged and cried. I think I was trying to find something to fill the void in my heart. I’m not quite sure though.

I had tried committing suicide twice by this point. The hospital wrapped me up in pills and false hopes, had listened and believed my parents, and forced me to live there while I ‘recovered’.

She would scream about how awful of a child I was, how I made her feel like shit constantly and how selfish I was to try to take my own life until I would scream and cry back. It was her plan all along, I think. At this point in my life, I was trying therapy and medication to seek relief from the demons that plagued me. I didn’t know how one could recover in that sort of environment though. My parents would claim I would have no credibility, that I was mentally unstable and who would believe me anyway? I had diagnoses that would make anyone run the opposite direction. Who would love me anyway? I still remember the stones cutting my feet open as I sprinted from the house and the way you pursued me, my screams for naught as the whole neighborhood once again turned a blind eye.

I moved out. Tried school again. Had a boy that I thought that loved me but only loved the idea of saving me. As soon as he realized that the stitches in my arms couldn’t fix my aching heart as quickly, he left. Failed school again. Drank again. Cut again, thought about suicide. Had a boy that I knew I loved but couldn’t say it. He said he loved me but didn’t know how. He left. I cried. I drank again, binged and purged until my throat was raw and I was coughing up blood. Thought about killing myself. Cycled through lovers again, like flipping through pages of a catalog. Swipe left, swipe right if I thought there was a chance. Maybe this one will like the way my eyes light up when I talk about my dog. Maybe this one will notice how I drink my coffee: iced like the way my heart felt when I realize that they just want another girl to fuck.

 Will I ever be enough?

I dated a boy who didn’t know how to love and didn’t know if he loved me. We danced around each other, almost lovers but not quite. Messy sheets and spilled secrets but never holding hands in public. His hair changed often like his decisions. My hair grew long and tangled like my heart when I realized he didn’t love me. He decided he couldn’t. I cried. I left. I decided to cut my hair and be everything I wasn’t. 

I wasn’t enough.

I dated a boy very far away from me that was fire and embers. He was dangerous and I liked that. He made my heart warm but when he lashed out, I felt his burns for weeks on end. I left. I cried. But it was okay.

I grew a bit. I moved out of my old apartment that made me feel suffocated and unappreciated. I moved in and started a relationship with a boy that was always fast paced but it felt right. At the time, he was what I needed. We were stable and safe. The winter melted into spring as we opened up our relationship and we dated a girl that was young and vibrant and beautiful. As the weather grew hot and humid I dated another boy older and quiet. As the leaves turned and grew brittle and the first snowflakes began to fall, the old boy came back and I held onto him and didn’t want to let him go. I told him I loved him finally. He said he loved me back. Life was interesting. 

The quiet boy left when I tried to ask of what troubled him. The vibrant girl grew tired of the walls I built when I was hurt by her. I had the stable boy, my rock. and I thought I had a future, a safe future with him. But we were stagnant, and within that I saw the echoes of my parents’ relationship begin to stir. We would never grow past what we already had. We agreed to separate but to remain close friends.

The old boy is still in my life and we are currently still seeing each other. I grieve the loss of my relationship with the safe boy, but I didn’t want to end up hating him. I didn’t want to end up like my parents. 

I talk to my parents occasionally. When people ask, I never refer to them in a bad light. I say they aren’t bad people, perhaps at most they just don’t know how to be parents. I don’t hate them. I feel bad for them.

I have my good days. I have my bad days. I remember bits and pieces of things. The way your hazel eyes looked at me that one summer night. The way you pressed the knife against you and said you couldn’t take it anymore. It’s fragmented and in pieces, kind of like the glasses that I break on occasion when my temper gets the best of me. My anxiety flares up and licks my mind like fire. I’m trying. I think. I think I’m trying.

I don’t know if I am enough.

I have a bad memory I guess.

#personal #mental abuse #physical abuse #self harm #suicide #anorexia #bulimia #abandonment issues I guess #parental issues #i'm trying i promise

[internationalhouseofblupjeans]

An Eighth Bird, Born Out of the Storm - Chapter 5

Based loosely on the Luume'irma headcanon from @interstellarvagabond

Lup and Taako get their decennial “visitor” just before the fateful trip on the Starblaster. Taako holes up in his room, meditating away the discomfort while Lup discovers a partner for the week. Unforeseen consequences arise. Bonds are created. An eighth bird rises.

Eighth Bird AU.

The crew lands on a hostile planet and, within the span of a couple of weeks, loses three members. Barry is numb. Taako doesn't eat. Magnus is no longer hospitable. 

This chapter is rough, guys. I apologize in advance. The angst got away from me in this one, so warning for blood, major (temporary) character deaths, and a character dealing with disassociating. I tried not to get too explicit with the violence, but this chapter is gonna hurt.

Thank you to Calcu from the writer’s chat for Beta'ing!!

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 below Chapter 6 Chapter 7Chapter 8 Chapter 9  Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22

To whom it may concern:

This is my fifth request in regards to the clerical mistake made when I first joined the IPRE. I realize that cursive is difficult for some of the younger administrators to read, however my name should have been written as Darry Hallwinter. I realize my mistake in that I should have used my full birth name of Sildar, but Darry is an acceptable nickname.

Additionally, I believe a clarification needs to be made with my last name. I am not sure who changed it, but my last name is indeed Hallwinter. It is not Bluejeans. Bluejeans is not a family name.

Enclosed are my birth certificate and government issued ID card. Please contact me at your earliest convenience to correct this error.

Thank you,

Sildar Hallwinter

Barry realized it after leaving Tesseralia.

Lup had missed her “visitor” three times now.

This wasn’t just planar shenanigans. There was no way that this had to do with planar magic.

He wanted to talk with her about it, but as soon as Taako was out of Magnus’ room at the end of his week, Lup was constantly at his side. He couldn’t find a time to be alone with her.

When the cycle reset and the crew landed, Lup and Barry went out to survey the area. Barry was nervous the entire time, wanting to ask her about her missing visitor. What if she was pregnant? What would they even do now?

What was their relationship at this point?

The sound of something whizzing past him shook Barry out of his reverie. He looked up and gasped.

Lup was standing, slumped over, in front of him. Her back was to him, but he saw an iron spear sticking out of her back.

No no no no …

Barry ran to Lup’s side, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. She was staring down at the ground, shock on her face as she tried to breathe around the spear that went through her.He looked around, prepared for a fight, but saw no one.

It must have been a trap. He could have been killed instead.

I should have ...

“Lup …” Barry whispered.

She looked up at him and her expression softened as she tried to smile, sadly.

“Well, I guess that’s it for this year, huh?” She gasped.

“I’ll … I’ll get Merle!” Barry cried out.

“N… No … Don’t leave me,” she whispered. “I don’t like being alone …”

Barry froze for a moment before he moved in closer to her. He tried to cradle her without moving her too much, not wanting to make her feel any more pain than she already did.

“I was going to talk to you but … I can’t focus … Remind me next cycle,” she whispered.

Barry nodded, trying to keep himself together.

“Taak … Take care of …” she pressed her head into Barry’s chest. “Hurts …”

“I know,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry …”

“Not your …”

Lup closed her eyes and took a few more shallow breaths. Barry held her close, tears spilling onto her dark hair. He wasn’t sure how long it had been, but eventually, the breathing stopped and the warmth started to leave her body.

He’d been there when she died before, but it was always at the end of a cycle. Always quick.

He’d never gone through an entire cycle without her before.

~

Taako waited nervously for Lup and Barry to return.

As soon as they had reformed at the end of the Beach cycle, Lup had pulled Taako into her room and sat him down.

“Taako … I … I’m pregnant.”

“I fucking knew it. Who was it? Was it Davenport? Fuck, please tell me it wasn’t Davenport! Barry’s going to be so upset!”

“Oh Gods … He is, isn’t he? He probably didn’t want this at all and now I’ve saddled him with this! We just thought it was going to be for a week. Just a fling! And now I’ve tied him down with this if we ever get out of these cycles! He’s going to hate me! I can’t tell him-”

“Wait … Tied down … Barry?”

“Yeah … He’s going to be so- Wait … Davenport’s …. You thought I was pregnant with Cap’n’port’s kid?” Lup had asked, perplexed and horrified.

“Well you weren’t all over Barry like I thought you would be and he never said anything!” Taako complained. “So … You and Barry?”

“Yeah … during my …”

“Hachi Machi ….”

“Yeah .. and we kept saying it would only be a fling but, Taako, I think I’m in love with him …”

“Wow … Yeah …” Taako started. “I mean, that’s good but, Lup, you’ve gotta tell him …”

“I know but … I can’t. He doesn’t need this, on top of everything else! It’s not fair to him!”

“Lulu …”

Taako had wanted to say something, anything to make this easier, but Barry had put his trust in him. If he wasn’t ready to say anything …

“Ok … Well, just - Just think about telling him, Ok? Doesn’t have to be now, but he deserves to know,” Taako sighed.

“I know …”

When Lup had told Barry to come with her on the survey, she looked to Taako with the look that said, “I’m going to tell him.”

And they were still out there.

Taako knew, deep down, that eventually Barry would be alright with this. He had to know that this was a possibility. And he’d said he loved Lup.

When he only saw Barry appear through the trees, his heart caught in his chest.

When he saw the blood on his shirt as he got closer, Taako’s heart plummeted.

“No …” he whispered before running out to Barry.

Barry stumbled out of the forest, still in shock. He couldn’t lift her body off of the spear. He could barely move his arms. He stopped when he saw Taako bolting towards him.

Lup’s name must have escaped his own lips. He must have said something because Taako looked absolutely destroyed. He expected anger. He expected Taako to rage against him, to hate him for letting his sister die so soon.

Instead, Taako pulled Barry into a close hug.

“Barold … Gods, I’m so … I’m so sorry Barry …”

Barry crumpled into Taako’s arms and wept bitterly as Taako tried to calm him down. Taako was too in shock to mourn properly. Barry and Lup were supposed to have their heart to heart conversation. Barry was supposed to get (hopefully) good news.

Instead, she was gone for a year.

A whole year.

Taako had never been without his sister for that long, in the century he had been alive. He had never even imagined what life would be like without her.

He helped Barry back into the Starblaster where they were greeted by a concerned Merle who immediately paled when he saw the blood on Barry’s shirt.

“Not mine …” Barry mumbled, hoarsely. “Lup’s …”

That night, Magnus went with Barry to where Lup had been killed. Taako found himself in his sister’s room, wrapped up in her blankets.

He had tried to keep himself from crying. From showing any weakness.

He had to put on a brave face. Lup was always so much braver than he was. Even as children, she was the brave one. She was the one that protected him.

Now she was gone for a year.

He looked around her room. Everything was painful to look at but he couldn’t leave the room. He couldn’t leave the reminders that his sister existed. He curled up tighter in Lup’s blanket.

Maybe she wasn’t really dead. Maybe this was all a sick prank.

But Barry’s face. The shock he had been in.

Lup was dead.

And they were going to bring her body back soon.

~

Barry looked at the bloody spear.

Lup was gone.

“She … Someone …” Barry started.

Magnus pulled Barry close. He looked around, scanning for movement.

Whoever had taken Lup was long gone. He felt Barry trembling in Magnus’ arms.

“Why … Gods … We can’t even bury her …”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered.

“We … We should go back …”

Magnus nodded and helped Barry back to the Starblaster. In the morning, he would mount an expedition and see who was out there. Maybe he could still find Lup’s body so that the crew could have closure for this year.

So that Taako could have closure …

He watched as Barry stumbled down the hall, stopping in front of Lup’s doorway before entering. He heard him speaking softly to someone in there before a loud sob escaped the room.

Taako …

Magnus continued on to his own room and got ready. He was going to find who did this.

Fuck his rustic hospitality.

They hurt his family.

~

Over the next few days, the crew waited in the ship as Magnus continued his quest. He had gone out with as much of the armory as he could carry and rations for days. Taako had not moved from Lup’s bed, not even for meals. Barry had brought in food but it always sat, untouched, on the bedside table. Barry tried to get Taako to eat, but eventually, he was locked out of Lup’s room after Taako enchanted the lock.

He sat outside the door, waiting and worrying.

He couldn’t lose Taako too.

After a week, Magnus arrived, disheveled but alive. His eyes were haunted and in his hand was a gunny sack.

“I … I had to steal her,” he explained. “Don’t … Don’t look inside. They’re dangerous unless you’re human. Taako …. He can’t leave the ship. He was lucky he didn’t … Where is he?”

“Lup’s room.”

Magnus nodded, setting down the sack.

“I … I need a shovel. So we can bury her. And … Tell Taako. We’ll do a ceremony if he would like …”

Barry nodded and went to Lup’s room to find the door ajar.

His blood ran cold.

He stepped into the room, the eerie silence hitting him as he walked through the door. He looked at Taako’s form. He looked like he was sleeping but Barry knew better.

He walked over and touched Taako’s arm.

Cold.

He cleaned up the plate of food and walked out, not sure if the shock of losing both twins was going to hit him yet. He passed Magnus who looked at him, concerned.

“You … you need to dig two holes,” Barry whispered.

Magnus broke into a run toward Lup’s room as Barry continued into the kitchen. He set the dishes into the sink and turned on the water, letting the sink fill up.

He could see himself, now, just staring into the water. He could see himself grabbing the soap, pouring it into the sink. He could see the bubbles forming, the foam filling the sink.

He couldn't feel the heat of the water. He couldn't feel the smoothness of the plates or the silverware.

He couldn't feel anything.

He wasn't sure how long he was even standing at the sink. He somehow got all of the dishes done, though he didn't remember doing them.

Lup was going to tell him something.

Taako was so eager for them both to return.

He went outside. The sack was still there. The sack that held Lup.

That held the woman he loved.

He sat down next to it and placed his hand on it. He felt her arm through the sack. Her head. A leg. Haphazardly thrown in.

Oh.

That's why Magnus said not to open it.

Tears pricked his eyes but did not spill out.

When Magnus came out, carrying Taako’s shrouded body, Barry got to work, helping him dig. He didn't notice when he got the splinters in his hands or the blood running down them as he gripped the shovel tightly but Magnus eventually pulled the shovel away from him.

“Go get Merle before he goes into Parley,” Magnus started. “We can do a ceremony …”

Barry must have nodded. He must have gone inside. He didn't remember any of it.

He couldn't really understand what Merle said as he stared into the twin holes in the ground. He thought he saw Lucretia writing something. He wasn't sure.

He just knew one thing.

He needed this year to end.

~

Lucretia didn't know it then, but a seed was planted.

She watched as the twins’ bodies were lowered into the holes. They were down two crew members now.

Once Merle was in Parley, they would be down three.

She stared at Taako’s grave as she chronicled the funeral.

Taako couldn't live without his sister.

This could never happen again.

~

Barry ended up being the one to make contact.

It had been four months. Barry still would occasionally find himself handing something off in the lab to someone who wasn't there.

The silence on the ship was deafening. The loss of the twins had created a vacuum. The loss of Merle when he went into Parley made it worse. It felt like everyone was on autopilot.

It's why Barry had found himself outside the ship.

He stood at Lup and Taako's graves. He knew they would be back in less than a year, but it didn't make it any less devastating.

“What were you going to tell me?” He whispered.

The bushes rustled and Barry’s hand went straight to his wand. He stared into the darkness, waiting for something to attack.

Instead, a friendly looking human man emerged.

“Hail and well met!” The stranger crowed. “I'm looking for someone! Perhaps you have seen him-?”

The man stopped when he saw Barry standing over the two mounds.

“Ahh. Did you lose someone in the hunts?”

“The what?” Barry asked.

The man laughed.

“You one of those elf lovers?” He started. “Come on, they're not people like you and me. They're like deer, only more dangerous.”

Barry's hand trembled.

“What …”

“I'm actually looking for the one I caught. I got a Sun Elf in one of my spike traps and took it in for processing. Someone took it and, well, I assumed that it might have been taken by someone who was jealous of my kill … They are rare after all … but now I think I know what happened to it.”

The man reached for his weapon.

Barry cast without thinking.

Magnus was alerted to the loud explosion outside of the Starblaster and raced out. He saw Barry, standing in front of a smoking crater. His whole body was shaking and his jaw was set in anger.

“Barry?” Magnus asked.

“He killed Lup. He killed her for a trophy … They hunt elves here …”

Magnus’ expression softened.

“Yeah. When I found her … It was horrible. I couldn’t even get all of her, Barry … I’m sorry.”

“Fuck this planar system,” he growled before turning back to the ship.

Magnus stared at the smouldering crater. A part of him wished he had told Barry the truth earlier. He knew, however, that if he had, then it would have gotten worse.

He had seen Barry during training before the mission. He knew how powerful he was when he was casting. He knew how easily Barry could lose himself.

He followed Barry back into the ship. There wasn’t any way they could find the light on this plane, anyway. Not with such hostile inhabitants.

Passing by the twins rooms, Magnus wondered if he even cared.

~

When the year ended, Barry paid his respects one last time to Lup’s grave. He knelt in front of it as the silent storm gathered overheard. A part of him wanted to stay. To not have to wait the agonizing minutes before the reset.

But he knew the rest of the crew still needed him.

He knew that Lup and Taako would be back soon.

As they were pulled apart and reformed, Barry caught his breath, worried that this would be the one time where it didn’t work.

He watched as Lup and Taako formed in the light in front of him, their hands tightly clasped together. They looked to each other and hugged tightly.

“Sorry bro-bro,” Lup whispered. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“I forgot to eat,” Taako responded, sheepishly, earning a playful slap on the back of his head from Lup.

She looked over at Barry, her ears drooping. She then looked to Merle.

“Lup,” Merle started.

“Yeah … Um … Barry? I need to talk with you but …”

Merle nodded and he and Lup left for the sick bay. Barry looked to Taako.

“Sorry dude … Um … If you want, we can wait outside and then you can talk to her?” Taako began, apologetically. “It is pretty important.”

Of course Taako knew whatever it was Lup needed to tell him. They knew everything about each other.

Barry thought back to that day on the beach. He felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Maybe the news wasn’t going to be good after all.

#blupjeans #barry bluejeans #lup #taako #magnus #magnus burnsides #angst #blood tw #death tw