#the more my heart sinks

[the-yearning-astronaut]

.

#oh the longer i go without hearing from my preferred grad school #the more my heart sinks #especially since they usually have offer letters out by the end of Jan #AND they interview prospective students on their short list before they send those offer letters out #and im HOPING i haven't heard anything from them yet because the applications are taking longer to go through #idk #im trying to stay positive but its jan 26th and i haven't heard a thing #based on how upset i am just thinking about not getting in..... #if i get a condolences letter i sure hope it's on a day I don't have work #i just want to research titan and Enceladus 😭 #and i want to have a large enough stipened that I don't have to pick up a second job while also learning and researching and TAing lol #fuck im tired of being in limbo #☉ #tbd

[smash-chu]

Long distance loneliness

#my art #doodles #smash-chu's art #not having the luxury of being able to just drive and see someone i know and love #having all my human connection come from digital screens when not visiting my family once or twice a year #it makes your heart sink down into a place that is hard to get out of #a place of acceptance that i will just have to live with being lonely #i love my friends #i just wish they weren't so spread out away from me #in a way i was left back here cause i was the only one that didn't move back to their parents #and now i struggle alone being comforted via keeping in touch online #but it can never replace seeing face to face #getting to be right there next to someone #touch starved is a understatement #but for now that is just how it has to be #anyways #my period is frying my brain making every feeling feel more intense so i feel super fucking alone right now #it's fine it'll go back to being numb soon enough #but sometimes you just need to let stuff out

[h-doodles]

Connection // Consumption // Possession is my way of Love & you are mine as i am yours, various - a web weave for it's quicker & easier (to eat your young) by @pinkcannibal 💖

#IM SO INSANE ABT THIS FIC IM SCREAMING I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU #anyways hehe #web weaving #marilyn thornhill #marilyn thornhill x reader #christina ricci #lee makes stuff #simp.txt #clown.txt #to me i am hers the same way she is mine and we are two halves ripped apart and 2 puzzle pieces who's been lost in the dark #and we are connected in the same way the greek gods have created soul mates and connected in the same way the fates have woven their thread #and we are one in the same one in the same one in the SAME!!!!!!!! #bound by blood and by love and by our sheer force will and i want nothing more but to sink my teeth in to her neck just as she does mine #and claw my way into her chest and fall asleep next to her heart raw and bruised and bloodied #i am. being SO normal abt it. #eat your young

[britneyshakespeare]

My toxic trait is that I like how my incomplete drawings look better than the finished things

#im sorry i cant be her (my searching lines) #i cant stop thinking about this drawing i have a sinking feeling that im gonna be very unhappy when its done #or. not unhappy. but not as excited as i feel about it now! #i only worked in two short chunks on it but both were pretty productive #i have a feeling that when i take the time to really dedicate myself to it im gonna fuck something up #like i can see areas i need to/can improve already but the glaring flaws are ok! bc it's not finished! #it OVERALL looks cool and LOOKS like it has the potential to turn out well #but will it... WILL IT??? WILL IT EVER? #i have never been so totally completely satisfied w any finished drawing ive dedicated myself to fully. #tales from diana #this is also only the second time ive done a really deliberate self-portrait that wasnt in some for or another. practice #like of course ive drawn my face before. not that often actually. but since yes i do draw. i have drawn myself #i probably should've drawn myself more times for how often i think id like a nice picture of myself #but then again its not gonna be so 'nice' if i make it and am not totally happy w it? #see one of the ppl who inspired me to learn to draw is ned @sneez my dearest. he's spoiled me before #and drawn me very beautifully on several occasions and it's very much a thing to move one's heart #to see someone dedicate their talent to depicting YOU. #and i might say HE has made me look more beautiful in art than i think i'll ever look in the flesh #which is not to say he drew me inaccurately. but he's so talented that his art is more beautiful than life. #and i dont compare myself in skill to him bc he's been doing it for YEARS and way more trained than me in the visual arts. #like it simply wouldn't be fair so i only compare myself to myself. naturally #but i used to think. very VAINLY i might say. that if i could draw like him id draw beautiful pictures of myself all the time #well ce n'est pas ca mon ami. since learning to draw i've found im much more interested in drawing ppl i find beautiful #rather than myself. im not art. not through my own eyes at least. #i should really draw ned sometime. i really should. #actually somewhat embarrasingly i tried to draw him like 5 or 6 years ago. and i NEVER tried to draw then #i did show him tho and he thought it was very impressive but that's probably just bc he loves me. xoxox #maybe ill post that someday as a throwback just for the hell of it. lol. thatd be cute

[damnprecious]

sims 4 is going to have a dish drying rack item you can hang on the wall above the sink???? I get to live my astiankuivauskaappi* dreams on the sims?????? I'm losing my mind oh my goooood

#noopa rambles #the sims 4 #*it's an open rack so not the perfect astiankuivauskaappi but also it's the sims so you can't Open Cupboards #so like. an open rack is a more clear option #my finnish heart is Singing and I'm absolutely Losing It #me @ ea: take my money!!! #I haven't been this excited for a sims thing in a Long Time #yes I will buy the stuff pack just to get access to that dish drying rack AAAAAA #the stuff pack has like european/nordic inspiration so it's 😭😭 #I mean don't get me wrong I always shove some cabinets above the sink in the sims #and pretend they're dish drying cabinets #but now I can have an actual dish drying rack!!! #it's gonna be so gooooood

[bladesoflightandshadow]

is it an unpopular oppie (cute way of saying opinion) to think that stories with only 1 or 2 gender customisable LIs is kind of the way to go moving forward for choices 🧍

like the main issue ppl have been having seems to be the quality of the books n their subject matter, n the quantity of LIs won't fix that? back when it WAS the norm to have 3+ LIs per book every non-whiteman LI would get sidelined and treated like shit by the plot. at least now when the plot railroads you into spending more time w one LI u can choose their gender/appearance, and it's easier to split screentime equally between 2 LIs compared to for example 4

plus limiting it to less LIs allows the story more time to flesh out characters n ur relationships w them. it's easier to incoprorate LIs into the plot n make them important + impactful when there's less of them

OBVIOUSLY none of this is ideal and their whole business model is a bit garbáge, these are simply my thoughts !

#playchoices #im of the belief that this app is a bit of a sinking ship and i am not super hopeful that things will improve in the way a lot of ppl want #but the 1-2 LI model has worked best for their recent books considering their propensity of hurling all their resources toward developing #ONE li and their romance w mc and centering the entire plot around them #like open heart wouldve been so much more bearable if ethan was customisable id enjoy being scolded by a hot woman doctor a lot more #same w beckett #they have an issue w making lis very generic in later books too n this kinda solves that #easier to write 1 or 2 unique romances for a book than 4 #im working within the confines of what i think r realistic for this game obvsly but ya. idk i don't mind it so much as long as the book #itself is interesting enuf to catch my attention #which unfortunately it is not. and that is the main issue 4 me #plus vip boooo me and my homies hate the vip model booo #stfu nisa

[beautifel]

seems like my heart does nothing but break lately

#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level #for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her #still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions #Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later #jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this #not fair not fair at all this is evil #and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences #i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it #i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity #is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike #Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂 #AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪 #at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even #LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it #what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol #hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather #kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter #how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there #n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng #or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak #n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own #well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her

[amplexadversary]

I hate twitter so fucking much.

#I wanted to look at some fanart from a specific artist of a specific character. #I look at her twitter and my heart sinks because it's not there. Did she mass-delete? Wait all these posts are from this year. #And no more posts will load. Weird. I look up the advanced search features and put in an older date range. #Hooray! Some art of the character shows up! It's not the one I want though so I scroll down. Posts eventually stop loading. #I fiddle with the search some more and discover that if I want to actually look at all this person's fanart #I have to re-fill in the search for a range of like 15 consecutive days because she posts so much #Twitter why can't I just look at old posts? Why stop loading? Why not add pages if someone has too many posts for you to load? #Why do you hate search functions and archival so badly Twitter? #In order to browse this person's fanart for the one I'm remembering I would have to re-enter or re-type the search terms by date #a minimum of 97 times (more if the date ranges aren't exact). I did the math. #I am so furious right now.

[wachi-delectrico]

Gonna get spicy for a second and say that everyone loves spewing hate about narcissistic (NPD) parents and how awful parents with personality disorders are, but if someone were to make a post with the exact same cadence about ADHD parents they'd get shot in public at first sight

#rambling #Lemme clarify and extend my point here (cos I feel ppl could really misinterpret this one) #Am I saying people should just accept the abuse of parents if said parents have a personality disorder? No #Am I saying people with ADHD parents have it worse or that both experiences are comparable and exactly the same? No #What I'm saying is that ppl are much more eager to call out abusive or neglectful behaviour from ppl w personality disorders bc #they're seen as 'scary' or 'monstrous' and inherently evil so they have no qualms going full force at it. They think -pd ppl are the devil #But adhd in ppl's general views could never be the source of such pain from a parent to a child; ADHD ppl are seen as childish #and harmless and clueless and silly and tbh a bit stupid. Besides they could never hurt a 'monster' by jumping the gun at -pd ppl right? #'normal people don't have personality disorders so this can't affect me! But normal people can have adhd!' #That's the core of my complaint: one is dehumanised as a destructive monster; the other is as an innocent victim child #And both (parent w -pd & w adhd) can be pretty bad in their own uniqie ways! But such a thing is never considered - for the #societal construct of the child - that neurodivergencies get pushed into - is of an untainted pure inherently clueless being below human #From my exp and the exp of other friends lemme say: having an adhd parent can suck so much ass! Lol #I grew up with two opposing ideals troubling my mind: my mothers obvious overwhelming love; and the shadow her constant absence cast #She loved me so much and did as much as she could; but constantly forgot about my care and my needs and made rash choices #I think about that more and more as i age; especially as i go to doctors over and over for problems i have had since forever #It is an awful feeling to have sink in your heart: how a parent's love isn't enough; how 'maturing quick' isn't a blessing but a curse #As i grew i stopped telling my mom about my needs my school things and my life bc i got used to her forgetfulness and lack of organisation #It meant irregular eating schedules & inadequate meals. In 5th grade I'd eat table scraps at school cos my mom couldn't remember #how I'd tell her over and over that the food had to be in a specific way or it'd get burnt in the school's oven #I'd go to the 'first' dr appointment to deal w an ongoing problem & then she'd forget to schedule the following ones #You get the idea #Kind of a weird post w a strange framing device but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Smth triggered this thought last night #I'll also never forget a few months ago when i went go a specialist for my hEDS - told her I've known all my life but never got treatment #Also just. The crushing feeling of the dr saying ''you should've gotten your own med team to work ur case since u were young!' #And just. silently nodding & wanting to cry feeling validated but also so hurt looking @ the obvious neglect #Anyways hey how did this therapy session go Doctor

[archduke-enver-gortash]

#i hope this doesn’t sound rude but. i wish what i create wouldn’t just be barely tolerated at BEST for once #in fandom or in general or whatever #like you know that most people straight up don’t like what you do and even if they like it a bit they would always like it more if it was. #well. different! #and like. it’s fine. people like what they like. but god is it hard on my brain sometimes. #eh who cares we ball! WE BALL #(gripping the bathroom sink while looking into the mirror) #anyways sorry for reblogging that post about ranting in tags and then doing it an hour later #heart <3

[salad-storm]

Do you get a kick out of it or do you just not realise. Don't know which would be worse.

#pretty sure its the latter but honestly id like it more if it were the former #this isnt even about me and my perpetual lateness anymore its the lack of waiting #me when im engaging in one sided psychological warfare and the person im fighting always seems to have the upper hand #despite not even knowing whats going on #thats why i want it to be the former. god. #i just. god. i really dont like her sometimes and how she continously manages to hurt me without realising #gets my heart repeatedly broken by the lamest girl on earth. hate that i sunk to that level hate that i keep sinking there in different ways #its not even romantic anymore its just not fair that i get to be so affected by her and shes just chilling #anyway woopsie ranting on tumblr dot com again. sorry. gonna get more normal i promise #stormy in here

[yamikawaii]

i wanna go home i wanna be with yoomiee

#im rlly sleepy and just thinking #theres nowhere thats ever rlly felt like ''home'' to me even the house i lived in for the first 18 years of my life even the one i do now #ig bc in both of them and in any other place ive been i was never rlly a priority i was just.someone existing there #ive never rlly been anyones Equal.may be an inferiority complex but it feels like sinking and ive never known what its like to not feel it #i just feel the inherent knowledge that im below everyone else at all times idk #but i like to imagine me and yoomtah as Equal no matter what kinda actual enhancements she has as a cyborg we're on the same level #bc i think the only way i'll feel ''home'' is by being acknowledged as something that is Not inferior #as something that deserves a place to exist comfortably without feeling entirely alienated and lost #and i can kinda imagine what itd feel like when i envision her and i together #with the exact same love and respect for each other just being comfortable together feeling At Home with each other #its warm and comforting but it doesnt feel like much more than an idea bc ive never rlly had it for real #also im aware that irl me wouldnt be equal to her at all bc she can do Everything and iiiiiiii Cant do anything ever #but my si aka realer-than-irl me has cool magical girl powers and has killed for her multiple times so its fineeeeeeeeeee #i would be unstoppable if this vessel i was placed in could shoot heart shaped lasers but alas #does any of this even make any sense jm rlly tired and just rambling abt yoomtah As usual #i want to go home i want her to take me home

[a-very-fond-farewell]

listen. when I say these two are toxic for each other I don’t mean it in an abusive way. if they want to fight, brawl and then fuck about it or pine away that’s their business. I’m just transcribing what I see. I’m genderfluiding what they show me. I’m out of here.

#sneaky niki #lamb loose liveblogging #ok I had to take extreme measures.... I had to cut ch 11 in half #it was getting to long. so now I have to change the ending of the first half to make it more ‘cliffhanger-y’ #is that even a word? #what are words? #jokes aside.. I feel a bit tired these days #I wish I could write faster and better #every time I have to add another chapter in between 2 already planned ones my heart sinks #I really want to get this done before summer #like. I want to finish writing this fic in 2 months max #so all it will be left for me to do is editing the drafts #but maybe that’s too arrogant of me idk #anyway I’ve just written something really heartbreaking to my little consumeristic soul for this chapter #let’s see if I can write some more tonight

[jabberwockprince]

this shit sucks, i love being in dark closed spaces bc its sooo comforting but i also hate being in dark closed spaces bc of trauma. so chilling In The Dark can go from the best time of my life to the worst fucking nightmare ever

#trauma is fucking ridiculous wdym i will start panicking and crying and crawling everywhere #just because the lights went out while i was in the bathroom #like i get it. its the conscious thing of. i chose to be in this dark closed space vs im being put here against my will/accidental blackout #but fucking christ my heart is beating so loud #i was in the bathroom. with my headphones. and my dad accidentally turned the lights off #and i almost fucking started to chew on the sink and punching the walls #LIKE HEY. REMEMBER WHEN YOU GUYS USED TO LOCK ME IN THERE. MAYBE BE MORE FUCKING THOUGHTFUL WITH THE LIGHT SWITCH WHILE IM IN THERE

[evansbby]

I swear to god this place gives me so much anxiety now

#like I’m so fuckin anxious already #and then to come on here and it’s just more anxiety #and I try to churn out all this content just to distract myself and maybe have a little bit of fun but #it’s just not working anymore #like I don’t know what’s wrong with me #always so anxious always so afraid I’m annoying people #and this just isn’t fun anymore #and I’m just too sensitive #or maybe I’m just in a mood today cos too much shit is happening in my life that I can’t control #and every little thing starts to affect me #i always said to myself that if it stopped being fun then I’d just quietly leave #and this isn’t me being quiet it’s just me whining in the tags as per usual and I know that #but it’s whatever #basically what I’m trying to say is for some reason tumblr is giving me so much anxiety #like you know when your heart is just sinking and for no reason??? #that type of feeling #and everything and anything gets to me #IDEK man pls ignore

[groupwest]

staying up all night every night for a week would fix me. staying in my van and not talking to my family for a week would fix me. going bush and running away forever would fix me.

#there is just no time. no time no time there is just no time at all for me to think or let any feeling sink in. everything just feels like #the most vicious cycle and im sick of it. i want my own life. i want it back. #ignore this; it feels so fucking stupid and selfish. its just the stronger the obligations get the more miserable i feel #just in that stupid sick weak little part of my heart #whatever… yippee