#therapy’s not until tomorrow

[shima-draws]

Also it really sucks bc I want to draw but I CAN’T bc I’m in a lot of pain rn. Sitting here like

#AUGHH. I’m still in physical therapy btw. #I was doing p good for a while until I sat in the car for a 5 hour round trip and that fucked my back up SO bad #So I relapsed. And my pain has been Bad for the past couple weeks #Not nearly as bad as it was at the beginning but my pain levels are back up #Which makes me so MAD bc I was at the point where I barelyyy felt it #SIGHS #Well. I’m getting dry needling done tomorrow and that should help #Not SUPER fond of the idea of needles getting poked into my back but at this point I’ll do anything #My therapist says everyone who’s done it under his care has felt a lot better afterwards #And I trust his judgement so. #I’ll be poked and prodded at tomorrow morning lol #I just want this to be over. It started in May. It’s October now #It’s been what. Five months?? FIVE???? #It’s almost been half a year since this started oh my fucking god. Killing myself #Shima speaks

[galaxythreads]

something good happened. something good finally happened. why do i feel so desperately miserable? i should be happy and i was, but now just want to go to sleep forever.

#going to go cry myself to bed - again - like a champion #👍 #me as person #vent #funny how i don't have the energy to do anything but cry right now even though crying is one of the most exhausting things on the planet #but i mean hey #at least i'll be asleep right? #god i need more therapy #i think tomorrow will not be a high energy day and i will be stuck in bed until work. yay.

[anurarana]

I'm learning how to crochet right and I made one granny square that was bad and then one that was good and then half of one where I counted wrong somewhere and had to unravel it so I decided I should sleep on it and pick it up in the morning except now my brain is doing the thing where I can't sleep bc it is telling me that I should be making squares but I can't make them bc my motor functions are not good enough rn so I'm both paralyzed by inaction but also too wired to just go the fuck to sleep. All this is to say that this is why I sucked at long-term school projects

#I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I feel like this might be useful to have ☠️ #I can't just pick up a hobbie bc it's fun and relaxing and then put it down when I need a break #I have to do it and do it well or I can't do it at all ughhhhh #two more weeks until I have a med conciliation I am so close #sstfu.txt

[millenniummmbop]

rivalshipping is about healing to me but like in a “well-meaning yet still ill-advised codependency” way

#*pulls down projection screen and extends my collapsible pointer stick thing* #Yugi was a lonely kid with unresolved anger issues who went too far w the whole revenge fantasy thing #until The Power Of Friendship TM mellowed him out and he finally landed in a more emotionally stable state #*clicks to next slide* #meanwhile kaiba over here is ALSO a lonely kid with unresolved anger issues who ALSO went too far w his own fucked up revenge fantasy #*quickly shuffles through slides of Death-T* #but two mind-shattering comas later and yugi at the very least was willing to bury the hatchet and try to start over again #the whole 'kaiba vs peg sus' fiasco was where everyone finds out kaiba's motives up to that point and where it all finally clicks for yugi #*clicks to next slide to reveal the 'he just like me fr' meme but it's yugi crying on the balcony inside peggy's castle* #it's after this that yugi starts thinking 'Well friendship fixed ME so maybe it can fix HIM too' #*clicks next slide and hits play on the embedded video* #Yugi: good morning kaiba-kun! nice weather we're having today huh? #Kaiba: I'm going to beat u in the face and in the ass #Yugi: haha alright bud I'll see u at regionals tomorrow #Yugi said so himself that he wanted 'friends he could count on and who could count on him' (paraphrasing) #i think he saw this mess of a human being recklessly barreling towards the edge at 100 miles an hour and said #'yeah this looks like something i can personally fix' #bc he's the type of person to just selflessly shoulder a mountain of burdens if it means helping someone he cares about #like his heart is definitely in the right place but i don't think he realizes that kaiba also needs like #therapy and mood stabilizers or some shit #*a voice rings out from the back of the class* #'op they had like 10 minutes of conversation MAX over the entirety of duelist kingdom this is literally all in ur head* #no no the groundwork is there for all of this i PROMISE #lion king rafiki voice: look harder #like yes i'm delusional but i'm also RIGHT #(⓿_⓿) #ignore me

[myfriendtheghost]

goodnight lil guy 🤏

#puts him in my pocket for safe keeping #anywhoz… deeply and intensely dreading work tomorrow <33 #then I have therapy on Thursday God have mercy on me #just have to survive until Friday so I can listen to Speak Now TV 😮‍💨

[orangetintedglasses]

@nicholas-wolfwood // (x)

"Fair enough... think you could hold this for me for a sec?"

The larger of the bags was bulging slightly and accumulating a sheen in the corners... wasn't exactly pleasant to try and keep it balanced with everything else he was holding, but it wouldn't be the bag he offered to the undertaker. He'd get the food spread out for them to pick at easier if Wolfwood held the other bag-- the one that had pre-packed rations, a new canteen, and medical supplies rattling around inside.

#[ unmade;; ] #( I was gonna wait to send this until tomorrow c'ause I have therapy+need to be up buuuut ) #curtains up ✧〗( ic ) #the eyes of a good guy ✧〗nico ( nicholaswolfwood )

[worm-in-a-trenchcoat]

Absolutely hate hate hate talking on the phone. It should be illegal.

Hate hate hate it 😭

#had an issue with a chewy order and got an email saying to call customer service in order for them to ship the order #for like security reasons?? #and I was totally expecting to get a robot person not an actual person #so when dude answered the phone and asked what I needed help with I panicked #and I was so nervous and I think he could tell kfjfkfk #cause I gave him the wrong email at first #and when he asked for my name I only gave him my first name at first until he asked for my last name 😭 #and the. he asked for my address and I only gave him like my house address not my area code or anything until he asked for it #and I kept apologizing and he was like ‘it’s okay’ in a very nice way which was nice but also awful #and then I hung up too early 😭 #like he asked if I needed help with anything else and I said no and thanked him #and then he like kept talking and thanked me for calling and he was gonna say something else but I thanked him again and hung up #cause I thought he was done 😭 #this is gonna keep me up at night for the next 3 months jfjfkfkk #personal #tag rant #I think he was gonna say have a good night or something #idk but I feel bad 😭 #my anxiety is so high rn lol it’s 2 am 😃 #at least I have something to talk about in therapy tomorrow now jfjfjfkfk pls 😭

[honeysuckle-venom]

My therapist had to cancel tomorrow and I'm not...it's not great timing. I mean it always sucks if she cancels but I just. I'm not. A real person right now. Idk how to explain it but. This is not Ideal.

#text post #my post #i mean it's fine and i'm the luckiest most spoiled patient ever anyway #bc i have therapy 3x a week and will see her on thursday #so it's stupid to complain #but! sometimes the friday to tuesday gap even though it's only a few days is difficult for me #and to have that extend a bit further when we've been dealing with some particularly complicated stuff is hard #last week all three sessions were really really intense and we didn't finish the topic they were on #and i had specific important Things to Talk About Tomorrow #whatever. i can make it until thursday. i will not actually dissolve into mist even though it feels that way

[clever-and-unique-name]

Me: I'm feeling fine. I'm not anxious at all. Everything's fine.

My body: *frantically pulling all the alarms and ringing all the bells and--*

#ok to rb #the annoying thing about the disconnect between brain and body is that. I don't KNOW what's causing it #it's just Happening #like I can guess what feeling it's trying to alert me to and I can guess what things might have caused it #but that is a lot of guessing and work when you're already physically compromised #I am holding on to dear life until therapy tomorrow morning

[camping-with-monsters]

Started playing Bayonetta 3 finally. Here are my thoughts on chapter one.

‼️PLEASE DON’T TAG WITH ANY BAYONETTA 3 SPOILERS‼️

#DO NOT MENTION ANY BAYONETTA 3 SPOILERS PLZ #im. getting back into Bayonetta oh no :)))) #the fucking unicycle cat demon cheshire caught me SO off guard #IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY #THE WAY THEY INTRODUCED HIM WAS REALLY FUNNY TO ME #WHY DOES HE JUST FLY ON A UNICYCLE????????? #“RODIN!!! THERE’S A WEIRD FUCKIN CAT INSIDE!!!” #but VIOLA….. #VIOLA JUST. bbygirl are you alright #I think she needs therapy #I’ll play more tomorrow….. must sleep rn……. #hoorrk shooo #im at chapter two now so anything up until that point is a mystery for me #im really really enjoying this game so far though :0 #Bayonetta #Bayonetta 3 #viola bayonetta #Cheshire Bayonetta #shitpost #The Kiwi Draws

[pabulumm]

when you have to wake up early the next day so you try to be good and go to bed early only to lay in bed FOR HOURS just trying to will yourself to give in to the sleepy but your mind is like "lol nah let's just stay awake and fret about how little sleep you're going to be getting instead"

#i knew i was doomed but still i tried #only a day late ofc #i was up until 3am the night before #and i finished off my canned coffee at 4pm!!! was not wasting like 2 gulps of coffee worth it??? #also doesn't help that i don't want to do what i'm getting up early for tomorrow #even though it's meant to be a fun thing #i need so much therapy #but so much sleep would be a great start #personal posts

[pepprs]

girls who slam themselves in the 3x meta psychic prison. mutuals my mother straight up does not love or see or understand me and never did. when the pain is unending 😍

​ok yeah. i wasn’t going to write about it bc it’s deeply embarrsssing on multiple levels but like. i watched the childhood video tapes. except i couldn’t get the one from the first 2 months of my sister’s and my life(s) to work so i watched one from when we were 4 and our brother was less than a year old. and mutuals… in SO many of the clips she’s filming him and only him trying to get him to bounce and shit snd i ask for her to turn the camera on me so she can see me dancing or i can show her the picture i drew for her or ask her a question or share a thought and like… yes i was an annoying feisty bossy attention seeking 4 year old with a horrible bowl cut. but i was 4. and i just wanted my mom to listen to me and look at me. and she was dismissive to me in the videos like not outright cruel but exasperated with me for constantly trying to stick my head into the shot and asking for her attention. and when she would say “not now tess” or “tess you’re blocking him” etc etc i apologized for it and that part was sad too. idk. all of it was sad. i knew watching this shit that i was probably gonna stir stuff up which would be dangerous esp bc i don’t have therapy until the end of the month and i did stir things up just in watching the documented footage of it. i wish it was safe to post some of it on here bc it’s genuinely… like i feel like i don’t get to say it was sad bc i was being annoying and attention seeking but it’s sad.

on top of that.. i couldn’t get the vcr to play shit on my laptop bc i didn’t have the right equipment for it so i had to play it on the tv. and my whole family eventually caught on to me watching it and have watched clips of it with me now. and that’s just so complicated. bc they’re all adding their commentary about it too and im letting them and inviting them bc i don’t know how to set boundaries. and my mom… god. my mom is DOUBLING DOWN on exactly the same stuff she said in the video when we were FOUR YEARS OLD. saying that my sister and i got to be filmed so much when we were babies and now it’s our brother’s turn. and i get that. i really do. i know i got attention when i was a baby and i can’t deny that. i know it wouldn’t have been fair or healthy or whatever to neglect him in favor of me / us. but also… i was FOUR!!!!! i was too little to understand what the politics of attention meant. and it just kind of fucking sucks that she’s holding that against me NOW too (as she said multiple times today / tonight) like saying scornfully that i was always so jealous of him and she doesn’t understand why i needed attention so badly since i never had undivided attention in the first place as a twin. like… i was a little kid. what did you expect me to do just like magically not need attention anymore and understand that the baby gets all the attention and go busy myself somewhere. idk. i feel entitled / selfish for saying it WHICH IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM like that video tape literally documents whatever mental issues i have now emerging… like me learning that i wasn’t important anymore and that when i sought attention i was just getting in the way and being annoying. lol

AND…. on top of all of this… sitting down with my mom and siblings and showing the videos and laughing over it and inviting their laughter even though it hurts to watch and it hurts to laugh at it and to hear them laughing… my mom’s focus in WATCHING these videos 20 years later is almost ENTIRELY on my brother!!!!!!! STILL!!!!! like the whole reason i had the clips i had was to… idk. trace the genesis of my mental illness and she wasn’t even paying attention to that she was just cooing over my brother. and when i told her why i was watching these / attempted to point out the patterns she got exasperated with me for overanalyzing everyrhing and navel gazing etc etc to an unhealthy degree. i fucking give up lol

it feels stupid selfish etc etc to be spiraling abt this and i usually don’t make long multi paragraph posts but like. god. this was a mistake. i never should’ve done this. it happened with the whole coming out day snapchat story thing too among other episodes. every time i dig up a thing from the past that she did that hurt me and try to explain it in retrospect she never changes her tune or comforts me or expresses any understanding or anything. she just doubles down on what she said / did before that hurt me so bad and it hurts me all over again. it could’ve been so much worse and the experience of adjusting to having a new sibling is universal and not a big deal in the slightest but it was a big deal for me. i so clearly took it hard and needed attention from my fucking mom!!! and that wound is still raw and now ive ripped it wide open again. scared little girl moment

#purrs #delete later #like. i think the worst part is just… there is no one coming to save me. i am never ever ever going to get the comfort i needed back. it can #only come from a parent and both of my parents are emotionally unavailable and think im being ridiculous. and now i am an adult and im #supposed to be able to comfort myself or not even need comfort at all but i just need a hug. i can’t comfort myself out of this. no one i #know now or will ever know in the future can comfort me out of this. it has to come from a parent and mine don’t understand. so im just #in the psychic prison. like what a spectacular failure that just was. tfw you are denied catharsis from one of the most consistent painful #threads of your life and you have to cope with that but you have 1.5 hrs of podcasts to listen to and a 3 page paper to write and #work tomorrow and no therapy until late september 😻👍

[e77y]

Sometimes cooking in a 90 degree car is good for the soul (it’s not) (I’m just trying to save gas bc I wanted to sit in my car instead of the library)

#I would’ve just stayed inside #but I was scared that I lost my headphones so I had to go out to my car and check #good news: they were in my car! #bad news: got a bad grade in ERP 😔 #<- joking. I’m not in therapy 😝😜😛😋😚😎🤓 #SOON. #okay ​I’ve been saying ‘soon’ for like 4 years #but fr #I was putting off scheduling a psych appointment until after all my breast ultrasound stuff was done #and now it’s been like a month or two and I have just totally forgotten about it #until last night when my mom reminded me 😭 #I guess I should schedule an appointment tomorrow… bleh. I hate phone calls I will explode and die #but it’s worth it ig #I’m so nervous ahhh #okay SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE #it’s almost time for me to go anyway so I can turn the car on now. yay. sweet sweet AC #ellyposting

[machidielontheway]

nearly cried today in class cause i could NOT understand what the teacher was telling me. and another student who is super nice tried to explain too and showed me but after some time i said "ok clearly i will not understand cause i am missing some knowledge that i need to understand, so let's carry on i don't want to block the session" but god i was so frustrated

and a bit angry (in a "i feel attacked so i will be angry as a attack-defense) cause there is no reason for us to need to learn that yet it's literally our SECOND CLASS EVER and the ones who have been here for a year (we're beginner class but with truly beginners and year+1 beginners) said they did not learn that last year, with the other teacher, before a while.

we're alternating between two different teacher, and the second one (the one of today) is nice but there was no structure to the class / it was a bit all over the place in the "we don't know if we're supposed to play together or everybody work on their thing" and "we spoke for nearly 10mn about something that could be said in 1mn when we have only 45mn of class (ok to be faire we went over so we did get 1h) and. personally i need a lot of structure for this kind of things to feel like i can go forward / have little goals. i want things to be incremental so i do not loose motivation

i hope it will get better on that side (structure) or i will feel as if we only have two structured / "get forward" class each month instead of four wich would annoy me

#3615 my life #i nearly cried because when i Cannot Understand i feel Stupid #and if i'm not good The Teacher Will Not Praise Me #two things that clearly comes from a lot of mind things that has to be worked on in therapy lol #i have zero discipline and i avoid anything where i will have to face my ignorance and difficulties #which is why practice scaaares me and i procrastinate and then it's a vicious circle #and the teacher and my personal relationship to the teacher is something that will give me motivation / change how i view the thing #which seems cool ! but it is not !! it needs to be me for me and not for external praise #i'm prone to overthinking in a downward spiral so i will just. put all this to the side. and not think of it until tomorrow. #(but tomorrow i have to practice !! this week i only practiced like #30mn before going to class #which is not good at all.) #this egg did not peel well.