#there was another joke I wanted to make but it’s 9am and I haven’t slept yet so I forgot where the fuck I was going
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Someone on TikTok had edits of Oikawa in the different volleyball uniforms and everyone was like, “He looks good in purple!!” Don’t fucking lie to yourself. Purple is not Oikawa’s color. There’s a reason he didn’t go to Shiratorizawa, okay. He knew purple wasn’t a good look on him.
#rachel’s rambling#now red...red was doing something for me#he looks very nice in red#ooh and black!!#but purple absolutely not#there was another joke I wanted to make but it’s 9am and I haven’t slept yet so I forgot where the fuck I was going#there was something about him going someone said#but all I could fucking think was THATS TOO MANY SETTERS#you have to draw the line somewhere#we can have the little bit of angst with two setters on a team#but we’re overdoing it with three#but also when I kept thinking about that I remembered that stupid fucking comic where all of shiratorizawa was setters#just the whole fucking team#and goshiki was like ‘I’m going to surpass ushijima san’ and then listed the whole team#WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE NO MORE SETTERS OKAY
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The Pleasure is all Mine - Chapter 6
Word count: 4250
Pairing: Lou Miller x Female!Reader
Warning: Angsty as fuuuck - I apologise in advance lmao.
A/N: Sorry for the slow updates... my shift pattern at work as changed so I’ve been working back to back shifts at the hospital, I hope to have my prompt request up in the next two days just before my birthday at the end of the week. Enjoy this chapter.. I had a love/hate relationship with it.
Fun fact: I listened to ‘Prisoner’, ‘As you are’ and ‘Angel’ by The Weeknd in that order while writing the party scene.. so i feel like they are the songs that were playing at the time. So feel free to listen to those songs while reading if you like!
Thank you @imnotasuperhero you bloody diamond!
Tags: @waitingfortheendtocome @natasha-danvers @redcrete @iamheartless @deadly-darling @gaylorrds @smuttty @existentialcrisiscat @saucy-sapphic @veteranwerewolf95
I do not own this beautiful picture but this is basically how Lou looks in this chapter, so enjoy that image x
Chapter 6
"Good morning New York City, it's 9am on a sunny saturday -" the ecstatic radio station burst with life, startling me awake. I groan in displeasure as I turn to hit the disturbing box before rolling back over and stretching my tired limbs, my hand brushes against the cool sheets in the empty space beside me making me pout; missing the warmth of Lou wrapped around me in our sleepy state. I hear my phone vibrate on my nightstand making me reach quickly for it, hoping that it's her. My heart flutters, my grin wide making my cheeks ache slightly at the received message.
Good morning beautiful. Waking up this morning without you next to me was dreadful, I miss holding you and watching your nose twitch and your eyelashes flutter as you wake. If waking up in a cold empty bed without you feels this awful I don't ever wanna sleep again - 9.03am
Good morning to you too, the feeling is definitely mutual. Hopefully we won't have to feel like this soon... say tomorrow night? - 9.04am I reply nervously, hoping I haven't come across as too needy.
Is that a promise? - 9.08 am
Signed and sealed - 9.10am
I'll be counting down the minutes, baby. Have a lovely day, I'll be thinking of you x - 9.12am
I sigh smitten with this wonderfully charming woman who seems to have my heart racing like no other.
I wish I could wake up every morning with her, I sulk thoughtfully as I begrudgingly leave my bed and head towards the kitchen ready to start the day.
As I continue to make my pancakes; that's not nearly half as good as what Lou makes, a loud knock echoes through my apartment startling me out of my funk. I place the pan onto the side and quickly make my way to the door and open it, revealing Rachel and Luke both with matching cheshire cat grins.
"Well well well, look who slept in her own apartment last night. Oh, but does that mean she's here instead?" Rachel teases while trying to poke her head through the door. I roll my eyes at them playfully before opening the door wider, letting them enter my apartment.
They both rush in and scan the open area in search of a tall blonde goddess making me laugh at the non subtle actions.
"She's not here if you must know. I slept alone last night," I answered with slight disappointment. They both seem to catch on to the tone and smirk wide.
"You wished you hadn't, though. Damn, she must have been good." Luke states, wiggling his eyebrows as Rachel walks towards the kitchen and grabs a bite of my untouched pancakes, chuckling in agreement.
"So I thought we could go shopping and grab a bite to eat before coming back here and starting our movie marathon, maybe order the Chinese later on?" I ask, wanting to change the topic. I got an agreed 'whoop' and an exclaimed 'YES!" from my friends who are far too interested in my breakfast.
Guess I'll add grabbing breakfast while out onto the agenda then I think to myself.
I huff jokingly before telling them to make themselves comfortable while I get changed for the day, already knowing that they always make themselves comfortable in my space.
Once dressed in my high waisted jeans and oversized jumper I make my way over to the two clowns who seem to be messing up my kitchen as they wash up.
"Can you guys ever just come over without making a mess? It's like having two children in the apartment," I laugh at the defensive 'Hey' from the pair before shooing them out of my kitchen and towards the door.
"Come on, I've gotta grab some breakfast considering you both eat mine." I sulk playfully as we make our way out of the apartment and onto the streets of New York.
***
"Alright, but getting kicked out of the store for giving my opinion on that awful flowery dress with those ankle boots was a bit far. If anything, I was helping the poor woman out by stopping her from buying it." Rachel complains while Luke helps carry half of her shopping bags through my apartment, I roll my eyes in slight annoyance already hearing this story three times since being out.
"Rach, we were pretty much finished in there anyway. And "the flower pattern on that dress makes it look like an 80s hippie threw up on you" wasn't very nice," I comment, taking my bags through the apartment towards my room, while they flop onto my sofa, bags still in hand.
I walk back through into the living room and flop down next to them and sigh in relief.
God, I hate and love shopping.
My phone vibrates in my jean pocket and I grin subtly as to not draw attention to the others:
Strawberries or chocolate? - 16.00pm
Why not both? What's with the weird question? ;) - 16.02pm
Just some useful information to store away for future reference;), I miss you x - 16.04pm
I blush slightly and try to hold back a squeal as I bite gently on my lower lip before pocketing my phone away from potential prying eyes.
"Okay, all that shopping and carrying Miss.fashionista bags around all day is making me hungry, Chinese?" Luke complains, flashing us his emerald green eyes and a pout for good measure making me pout back in mocking sympathy.
"Of course, you big baby. Can't hack shopping with two women." I joke.
"Darling, I've been out of the closet since I walked out of there in my mums six inch stilettos. I can hack shopping with two women," He shoots back, making us all laugh. Rachel grabs her phone from the table in front of us as I grab hold of the menu and recite my usual to her. Once we've ordered, we make our way towards my kitchen to make our crazy cocktails for the afternoon.
Ever since I moved here, it's been a tradition that whenever we all have more than one day off in the week together, we meet up and have a 'friends day/ night gathering'. It all started after Rachel's 'love of her life' decided to run out on her the morning after a drunken night out leaving her crying on my doorstep and a distraught Luke not knowing how to handle a crying female alone.
We continue to laugh and joke while making terrible margaritas and other alcoholic potions when Harry Styles' 'Adore You' echoes through the kitchen area making us pause as two matching grins face me while I blush under their playful stares.
"Cute," Luke whispers, making me hush them both before removing myself and my phone away from their prying ears.
"Hello you!" I greet with slight flirtation
"Well if it isn't the voice of my beautiful goddess, I've missed you"
"I've missed you too, you charmer. Do you say that to all of the girls?" I tease, smiling smugly when I hear her laugh loudly.
"You know it's only you baby" she jokes back but the tone of her voice indicates her seriousness, making me smile.
"How was the party planning?" I ask, making my way to my bedroom.
"It went great actually. We're all pretty set up for later on which is why I'm calling. I forgot to ask yesterday but I got so caught up with everything here I forgot to mention it. I want to informally invite you to Daphne's party tonight, the invite is extended to Rachel and Luke as I know it's your friends night" I smile at that, liking that she remembered.
"I would love to come! I'll double check with them but if there's alcohol involved they're usually up for anything" I joke making us both chuckle.
"Okay great! I'll see you later tonight then?" She says hopefully making my stomach flutter with excitement.
God, it's only been a day and I'm like this I mutter thoughtfully to myself.
"I'll see you later. It's definitely at your place right?"
"As much as I tried to move it... yes it is," she grumbles all in good nature, I chuckle softly before muttering a goodbye ending the call. Practically skipping my way back to the kitchen where they are both plating up the food that must have just arrived. I excitedly relay the message to my friends, who cheer in response before chatting about what they are going to wear.
Once we have finished our food, Luke and Rachel leave to go and get changed for the party while I fret over my choice of outfit. Deciding that my black dress with off the shoulder straps shows off my curves the best, I slip it on with a pair of black heels. After touching up on my makeup, I curl my hair into loose curls to finish the look.
I really do scrub up well, I think feeling confident with my choice.
My phone lights up with a 'we're here' text from Rachel before I grab my long coat and make my way down the stairs of my apartment building.
***
Lights shine through the warehouse windows with party music blaring through big speakers making the lyrics crystal clear outside, a few party goers chat loudly outside while enjoying a cigarette.
"Oh, my God. I've never been to a celebrity birthday party before!" Luke exclaims, nudging Rachel and pointing towards another movie star that he saw on the big screen one time. I chuckle and shake my head at his starstruck face before looping my arm through his and walking towards the door.
"Luke, Daphne and the rest of them are just like normal regular people relax," I tease while Rachel nods in agreement.
"Yeah, what's so great about Daphne Kluger anyway." Rachel mutters while eyeing a tall tattooed blonde guy standing by the doorway of the entrance, she winks in his direction making him grin back in return. I roll my eyes at her boldness before continuing into the living room area which has been converted into a dance space for the night.
I scan the room searching for a particular blonde with crystal blue eyes but before I can make it further into the room I feel a pair of arms circle around my waist and a light pressure on my shoulder from the chin that's now placed there, soft lips brush gently against my jawline.
"Well, don't you look absolutely stunning. I love the straps on this dress, a lot of access to kiss you more." Her raspy voice sends a shiver down my spine as she places a gentle kiss on my shoulder. I smirk at her forwardness enjoying the feeling of her body against mine. I turn around in her arms to face and gape at her, holding in a groan of pleasure as my eyes scan every inch of her.
No one should look that good in a suit.
She stands in a black suit consisting of a white shirt with a black bowtie that hangs down loosely from under her neck collar. Her blonde hair pulled up in a loose bun leaving her face free, for the first time since meeting her I'm left speechless.
"Oh, dear... it seems I've rendered you speechless. Maybe I should come back once you've regained your senses, hmm?" She mocks with that signature smirk that makes my knees go weak.
"I..um.. you look..."
"Ravishing?" She implies still smirking.
yes
"Amazing was what I was going for... maybe even hot but your cockiness has bumped you down to just amazing," I joke matching her smirk, we stare at each other for a moment appreciating one another when a very loud cough interrupts our staring, making me turn slightly in Lou's arm.
"Well, you must be Lou Miller. I'm Rachel and this is Lucas but he prefers Luke, I see you've been taking up our girls' time lately, you must be really special" She states, grinning at us both as she holds her hand out for Lou to shake which she happily reaches for while still keeping a secured arm around my waist.
"It's nice to meet you both. Sorry this place is a little crowded, Daphne clearly doesn't understand a small get together" she says, throwing on one of her most charming smiles making Rachel and even Luke giggle. I roll my eyes at their smitten ways.
Guess I'm not the only one that affected by the Miller charm
"Oh leave it out, Miller. You know you like a good party!" Daphne exclaims, stumbling slightly over to us weaving through the crowd of people as Constance and Nine-ball carry over a tray of shots with Rose and Amita trailing behind clearly still sober, ever the responsible two.
"Y/N darling, it's so good to see you again! I'm so glad you could make it!" She slurs, hiccuping in between words occasionally making me chuckle quietly before she pulls me out of Lou's arm and into her own squeezing me tightly. I pat her back gently before muttering "Hey Daphne, it's nice to see you again. Hey guys!" I address the others over Daphne's shoulder who smiles widely and waves while Constance holds up the liquid filled tray.
"I got shots!" Making everyone cheer even Rose, Daphne let's go of her hold on me and reaches for a glass as Lou steps closer to me and hands me one. We clink our glasses, never taking our eyes off each other before letting the burning liquor trickle down our throats. I cough slightly at the sudden taste before whispering into Lou's ear.
"Where's Tammy and Debbie?" She pulls back long enough for me to see her point upstairs and wiggle her eyebrows at me, making me gasp and giggle at her childish behaviour.
"They'll be down soon though. Tammy's excited to see you again, she can't wait to have someone she can complain to about mine and Debbie's behaviour" she jokes, pouting playfully at me as I cup her cheek and pat it in mocking sympathy.
"Oh, you poor baby. Have you ever thought that maybe she's right to complain about it" I laugh at her offended expression, I notice some of the team looking in our direction not so subtly with small soft smiles while they talk with my friends in our makeshift circle between the bar and dancefloor, clearly enjoying watching me tease their friend.
The night continues on with our back and forth teasing and not to mention the subtle touch of fingertips and the grazed hand over my ass while we spoke with Tammy and Debbie making me scold her softly causing Tammy to laugh and a raised eyebrow and twitch of a smirk from Debbie. Throughout the night I've noticed a particular redhead staring over at us, her expression difficult to read in the dimly lit room as night fell over outside. I brush it off as slight paranoia with being around so many strangers. After a while we both get separated by Lou’s work friends who require her attention at the bar, she frowns in displeasure before I give her a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth and reassure her that I'll be okay. I wandered over to Rachel and Luke who seemed to have departed after the first two rounds of shots at the beginning of the night to go and throw some moves on the dancefloor. Luke catches my eye from the middle of the floor and reaches out his hand for me to take, I giggle as he takes a hold of my hand and twirls me around bringing me close to him before twirling me back out again. Rachel woops next to us, her arm around Daphne's waist making me raise a questioning eyebrow, she blushes and shrugs innocently at me before continuing to dance with her. As Luke twirls me out of his arms again I notice the same red head hovering by the dancefloor however this time she stands next to a tall brunette woman who seems to be whispering into her ear but her eyes never straying from my form. I avert my gaze feeling slightly uncomfortable but become distracted by Luke's ridiculous dancing.
After a while Tammy and Amita join our little duo on the dancefloor, laughing a little at Tammy's 'mum dance'. With all the laughter and alcohol in my system I stagger slightly towards the bathroom needing to pee. The queue is long making me groan and back pedal a little knowing I could always use Lou's en suite if needs be. Before I could fully turn back around a rough hand wraps itself around my bicep making me startle and tense at the unfamiliar touch, I turn to see the same brunette that was standing by the dancefloor with the beautiful redhead earlier.
"If you're looking for Lou, you'll be searching for a while. She kinda pre- occupied" she riddles, her voice hostile as she eyes me, smirking.
"I'm sorry do I know you?" I asked, confused by her behaviour.
"No, but your girlfriend definitely does" she replies with that stupid smirk still in place. I frown at her childish behaviour wondering exactly how Lou would associate herself with such people.
They certainly aren't like the seven women she usually hangs out with.
"I don't have a girlfriend but if you are referring to Lou I'd appreciate it if you would shut the fuck up when you clearly know nothing" I snap, finally reaching my limit.
Who the hell does she think she is!
She laughs mockingly before replying:
"You got fire behind those eyes kid, she likes that in her women" she mutters standing with her arms crossed as she leans lazily against the wall by the bathroom. I open my mouth to retaliate but is interrupted by Debbie's harsh voice
"I don't recall you being invited, Madison."
Madison's eyes light up with glee and mischief.
"Debbie darling, so nice to see you again. How's Tam Tam?" I look towards Debbie's face, my eyes wide at her stoic expression.
I've never seen her so indifferent before but then again how well do you really know her.
"Get out." She mutters trying to not draw attention to us. Madison rolls her eyes unbothered by Debbie's tone of voice, she pushes away from the wall and brushes harshly past me.
"You might wanna see for yourself. We've all been tangled up in Lou Millers web before. A leopard never changes its spots, dear" she mutters before storming down the hallway and out of the building.
I feel hot tears surface before wiping them away quickly, which doesn't seem to go unnoticed by Debbie who lays a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"Don't listen to her, she's a nutcase. She's always wanted Lou" she says quietly while escorting up the stairs and towards Lou's room.
"I'll wait for you out here okay? Go and freshen yourself up, don't show them that you are affected by their words you hear me? Lou really likes you Y/N, ignore the green eyed monsters" and with that she gently pushes me through Lou's doorway and closes it.
Once I've finished up I stand by the bathroom sink and stare at my reflection for a moment taking in my appearance before taking a deep breath and relaxing my shoulders.
I can do this, I reassure myself.
I walk out of the room feeling much better and meet Debbie by the staircase that leads back towards the party, she whispers reassurance in my ear before leaving me with my concerned friends to go and find Tammy.
"Omg Y/N are you okay? Did you get lost in the bathroom or something? Ew, actually I don't want to know what you and Princess Charming have been up to" Rachel says her nose scrunched up at the thought, Daphne giggles loudly next to her.
"Please it's adorable. I've never seen Lou so smitten before" Daphne states drunkenly. I blush at the confession and grin softly feeling less insecure about our developing relationship and less concerned about that woman’s words.
"No actually I um.. I bumped into Debbie upstairs and got chatting but I think I'm gonna go grab a drink ``I state, gaining a cheer from Daphne who leads the way to the makeshift bar where the kitchen island usually is. I scan the room looking for Lou wondering whether I could talk to her in private about my ordeal upstairs with her old 'friend'.
I instantly regret my decision.
I see a gap in between the sea of people showing me Lou standing by the other side of the bar, leaning against it. The redhead from earlier whispers into her ear making Lou shake her head in laughter, the woman fiddles with her bow tie as if to go and tie it but Lou stops her with a shake of her head, her eyes move away from the woman as she scans the room as if searching for someone. As if sensing my presence her eyes turn instantly towards me, her crystal blues widen but before I could see anything else the beat of the music grows silent as Daphne takes the mic from the DJ ready to thank everyone for coming.
I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces, tears run freely down my face as I try to hide within the sea of people on the dance floor all while looking for Rach and Luke. I quickly find them standing at the edge of the dance floor opposite the front door.
Perfect
I quickly grab a hold of Rachel's hand, her eyebrows furrowed at the sight of my distraught face.
"Oh my god, Y/N are you okay? What the hell! Did she do this?! I'll wrap that bow tie around her neck so tight I swear Y/N" I quickly hush her and barely whisper
"Please just get me out of here" with that she nods her head with such determination. Luke wraps my coat around my shoulders and pulls me against him as we walk out of the door while Rachel phones a cab.
"It's gonna take 10 minutes Y/N. I don't know how long we can avoid her for," Rachel says apologetically as she stands close to me. Luke let's go of me and says he's gonna go grab his and Rachel's things and that he'll be as quick as possible.
"It's okay I just need to get out of here" I mutter quietly not trusting my own voice.
Luke rushes out breathing heavily as he passes Rachel her coat.
"She's going insane in there... her and that red head have just had a massive argument and she's asking Debbie where you were. Y/N I think you should at least tell her you are going" Luke reasons.
A leopard never changes its spots, dear
"Oh my god, she was right." I whisper to myself, gaining their attention.
"What do you mean, darling?" Luke asks softly.
"The.. other woman there tonight.. Madison. She warned me, I just never thought Lou..."
"Don't listen to them Y/N. Whatever you saw in there it could have been a misunderstanding, those girls have been eyeing her up all night but Lou only ever had eyes for you" Luke reassures just as the yellow cab arrives out front. We all rush towards it but before I can step into it a hand grabs a hold of my arm gently spinning me around and slamming the door with the other, blocking me from getting in as she boxes me in between her body and the door.
Wet crystal blue eyes stare right back into mine, full of sadness and rage. Her breathing slightly erratic from running around the place, she whispers so desperately, so softly I barely hear her.
"Please don't leave. Please. Let me explain"
She likes that in her women
"Lou let me go, please. I'm just really tired and would like to get some rest. We can talk about this tomorrow okay" I whisper back feeling droplets of rain crash onto my face or is it my tears? I cup her cheek and brush my thumb over her cheekbone wiping away the frustrated tear that seems to have escaped from her eye.
"Tomorrow" she clarifies with hope.
"Yes tomorrow" I certify making her relax slightly before leaning in and pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth as I turn away slightly still not ready for the contact. I see the hurt and sadness in her eyes as I slowly remove her hand from the top of the car and open the door making her step back. I climb into the car and see Lou press her hand gently against the window briefly, her blue eyes desperate for me to understand. The engine starts up and before I know it her sad form seems to grow smaller and smaller as we disappear back into the city. The last thing I see before going through the gates is Lou run her hands through her hair in frustration as Debbie steps towards her to comfort her. I turn away after that feeling guilty and hurt, the only real comfort I have right now comes from the two hands that hold my own in solidarity.
Maybe I really don’t know her at all
#lou miller x reader#lou miller x female!reader#lou miller#oceans 8#cate blanchett#cate blanchett x reader#debbie x tammy#debbie ocean#angsty#why do i do this to myself#the pleasure is all mine#My Story
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yellow paint blues || renjun
→ summary: a few hours before renjun needs to submit his art project, he realizes that he’s run out of yellow paint. luckily, you’re there to help (or not.)
→ genre: fluff, humor, college!au
→ words: 3.2K
→ a/n: dedicated to mary, my lovely patron. as always, this got way out of hand and got longer than i anticipated. i hope you enjoy!
Renjun had thought that the art course would be an easy A. He hadn’t needed the easy A to begin with anyway––his grades in every other course were beyond stellar, so most people would probably assume that he was doing it to pass time or to gain extra credits. Or so, that was what he wanted people to assume.
In reality, he had signed up for the course because you had wanted to. It wasn’t like you asked him to accompany him; he recalled you mentioning the course in passing a week before registration and somehow, that little comment had wormed its way to the forefront of his mind as he clicked “ADD COURSE” to his already packed schedule.
“Should be easy enough,” he assured himself, patting his own shoulder in untimely congratulations as he thought of the extra three hours in a week that he would get to hang out with you. After all, Renjun’s art skills weren’t shabby, so surely this could not go wrong in any way possible.
He forgot, in his hubris, about the tantalizing taste that procrastination had to offer. The sweet nectar that he had yet to conquer in all his years of education had once again enticed him like a fly to a fire. It was inevitable, and yet… how could he have been so blind?
So there he was, in his room at one in the morning, with more paint on his fingers than he had on his canvas. The blank surface taunted him in his mind, laughing hysterically at the cruel fate he had assigned to himself in the name of love.
The project should have been simple enough: it was a self-expression piece, wherein the objective was to present what makes them happiest. His professor was lenient to the point of negligent, allowing her students to use any medium they pleased for this first assignment. Macaroni and glue, string and popsicle sticks, scrap paper with a drunken doodle… She was open-minded to anything under the sun. However, the thing about Renjun was that he was an overachiever to a fault, so even though he could’ve theoretically slapped a Spotify playlist together on a CD and called it a day, he simply was not spiritually able to hand in anything less than perfect.
So of course Renjun chose to paint for his first project. Painting wasn’t even his strongest suit, but he wanted to challenge himself, or so he said when he had loudly announced that to you almost a week ago.
A week ago. He had an entire week to finish, with no other pressing assignments or tests in between, and yet he still found himself in this predicament. Thus was the fate of unending suffering that every university student must face.
You had texted him a few hours ago, asking to see a picture of his work. Despite your excitement to take this course, you had always been a bit self-conscious about your art pieces, though you have never expressed this to anyone. Renjun could see it in the way that you would close in on yourself when people ask to see your work, quickly redirecting the conversation elsewhere once people have their eyes off of you.
Not him though––you always showed each other your works. It made Renjun’s heart race just a little bit every time you exposed this side of yourself, and so he made a promise to always give you any sort of reassurance you might need.
Unfortunately for this time, he was a bit too busy trying not to drown in his own irresponsibility to answer you properly when you had texted.
to: renjunnie
from: y/n-chi
hey!! how’s your project holding up? can i see yours? i finished mine just now and idk if i’m happy with it tbh…
to: y/n-chi
from: renjunnie
not… going well… send reinforcements… T_T i think i’m gonna rot now…
to: renjunnie
from: y/n-chi
eh??? the infallible huang renjun is suffering??? from a first year art assignment??? someone call the catholics, because i think the rapture is coming
to: y/n-chi
from: renjunnie
y/n don’t be mean >:( this is srs!! i think i have inhaled enough paint fumes to fail a drug test by now
to: renjunnie
from: y/n-chi
tsk. that’s what you get for procrastinating, babe. sending my thoughts and prayers!! txt me updates so i know you don’t die from paint ingestion ^^
If you weren’t so god damn cute, he would have smothered you (with his love) by now. Even if you didn’t know it, your texts had given him enough motivation to get something on the canvas, even though none of his drafts seemed to be good enough at the moment.
What was it that made Renjun happy, anyway? He liked listening to music, but that was as generic as it gets… Who didn’t like music? He also liked reading and travelling, though those don’t seem to be too appealing to paint either. Some of his friends had joked that he should just paint a bunch of Moomin, so that he wouldn’t really need to paint because it would mostly be white anyway.
Those things just seemed too shallow for him. While they were things that he enjoyed, he wouldn’t want to be that guy who showed up to class with a half-assed doodle and some stupid explanation like “happiness is what you make of it.” No, he would be better than that.
There was something quite obvious that he could use for his project, or rather, someone. It would be too embarrassing though––not that he was embarrassed of you, by any means. He just wasn’t brave enough to do it, not yet at least. Someday, he’ll have the heart to tell you his feelings, but for now… he was stuck with a blank canvas and an emptier mind.
The clock read 3:30AM when Renjun had decided to throw all his morals to the wind and just paint a field of sunflowers out of desperation. He thought that if all else failed, maybe he would submit that and say something about how he remembered going to a place like that in his childhood. It would be a complete lie, since his family hardly went out to nature spots like that, but at least you would like the painting. Sunflowers were your favorite, after all.
Halfway through his painting however, he realized that his tube of yellow paint was looking awfully empty. He squeezed it as much as he could, scrapping it out as much of the remaining paint as physically possible.
“Crap,” he moans out, looking at his half-colored canvas forlornly. There were still at least six sunflowers to be painted, though he had already painted most of the background. This couldn’t do; he had no time to start over. The art supply shop didn’t open until at least 9AM, but his classes start shortly after that. There was no way he could pull this off at this rate. Unless…
He reached for his phone from his table, almost tripping over his easel in his haste to grab it. He knew you were an early riser, though he doubted you’d be awake even at this ungodly hour. He just hoped to whatever entity up in the clouds that you would pick up your phone and not start cussing him out for ruining your sleep. Though it was hard to imagine you getting mad at him for anything, as he knew you always had a bit of a soft spot for him.
To his relief, you answered on the fifth ring.
“Hello?” You murmured quietly, voice still sounding rough with sleep. Renjun could hear you smacking your lips sleepily, the mental image of it all eliciting a grin on his face. He wanted to know how you looked right now, with your impossibly cute bedhead and droopy eyes.
“Y/N? You awake?”
You yawned, the sound of rustling sheets accompanying your reply. “I am now, I guess. It’s… 4AM? What gives? You don’t normally wake this early. Unless…”
“Yup,” Renjun sighed, head hanging in defeat. “Kinda haven’t slept all night. The project isn’t coming along too well.”
“Aww,” you cooed. Renjun perked up a little at your tone.
Then, “Tough shit.”
Renjun flinched at that, staring wide-eyed at his phone before returning it to his ear. “Excuse me?”
“Well, if you hadn’t been goofing off the entire week before, you wouldn’t be in this mess, would you? Now excuse me… I have another two hours of sleep before my alarm is supposed to go off, so I’ll see you later! Peace,” was all you said before promptly hanging up.
The room was silent as Renjun stood in the middle of his room, shocked beyond all belief. Was that really you that he had just spoken to? Where was the kind, empathetic friend he had come to know and love? Perhaps lack of sleep really does change a person for the worse.
Undeterred by your rejection, Renjun decided to head over to your house anyway. Was he probably going to get his ass handed to him for disturbing you even more? Probably. Was he willing to face the consequences of your fiery wrath? Absolutely. Was he going to enjoy getting berated by you as he stared, lovestruck, at your cute pajamas and angry, puffy eyes? Undoubtedly.
Luckily, your house was only a few blocks away, although Renjun still ran all the way because he was (maybe, slightly, on a little bit) afraid of the dark. So what if he screamed a little when a cat jumped out of some trashcans? No one saw, and that was all that mattered.
He arrived at your place in record time, the dark window panes indicating that you were still, in fact, asleep. He tried opening the door to no avail, not being able to find the spare key you used to place under the mat. With no other option in sight, there was one last thing he could do…
Tap. Tap. Tap.
There was something tapping incessantly against your window for a couple minutes now. At first, you had ignored the sound completely, assuming that it was the first drops of rain before a storm. After a while, you began to realize that rain did not sound like that, and it reminded you more like a finger tapping or knocking. That was impossible though, because you lived on the second floor of a shared house. Surely, it wasn’t what you thought it was––
Before you could contemplate further, you phone started to ring for the second time that night, and the pieces of the puzzle immediately fall into place. It was him, that fucking bastard. Grumbling loudly, you grasped your phone against your ear, a chain of swears tumbling out of your lips quicker than any seasoned rapper out there.
“Wait, Y/N! Lemme explain—“
“Renjun, I swear if I go downstairs right now and find you throwing pebbles at my window to disrupt my sleep even further, you better believe I’m calling the cops on you, friend or not!”
“I just need yellow paint!” He cried out, loud enough that you can hear him from outside. You hiss at him to keep quiet, worried that his noise would also wake up your roommates.
“No, Renjun! You have to learn to be more responsible! You can’t always expect things to go your way without proper preparation! 4.0 GPA or not, I’m not letting you keep doing this––hold on,” you paused, stopping mid-sentence. There had been loud thunk just outside your bedroom wall. There was a suspicious lack of response on Renjun’s end, though you can hear his heavy breathing through the speakers. You slipped out of your covers, padding your way to the window. You peered over, squinting blearily at the darkness of the night.
“Renjun? What are you––“ You gasped before finishing, slamming open the windows and letting the cool breeze gently brush your face. The sight before you was not as great as the wind, though. “Are you fucking crazy? Stop climbing before you get hurt!”
“Almost there,” Renjun grunted, his hands grasping tightly on your ledge. You watched in stunned silence as the gangly boy hoisted himself over and into your bedroom with the ease of someone who had done that at least a few times before. It took you a while before you could find your bearings as you stood, mouth agape, at the beaming boy now standing before you with neon green paint on his cheek.
“Hey,” he greets, smiling.
It took all the energy in your body to keep your hand from meeting his cheek (either to caress him or to slap him? No one was for certain.) “You could’ve fucking died.”
Renjun lifted both his arms into the air and shook his legs around. He shot you a cheeky look, faking contemplativeness. “I feel pretty alive, I would say. All limbs in working order, as far as I know.”
Oh my god. You were friends with a maniac!
“This is so unlike you,” you said. “You’re never this relentlessly annoying.”
“Well, you wouldn’t let me finish my urgent plea on the phone, so of course I had to take drastic measures! I’m gonna fail this GPA booster course, and then I’ll die, and then it’ll be your fault!” He said in one breath, grin never faltering. As his gaze flitted around the room, he noticed your finished project, sitting on your desk and covered in plastic to hide its contents from the world. “Ooh, is that your submission? can I see?”
You rushed over to it, hiding it behind your back with a huff. “Absolutely not! You lost all privileges from me the moment you called me up at 4AM! Now get out of my house before I really call the cops.”
He pouted, deflating visibly. “Okay, look… I know I’m being a prick right now, but you really gotta help me! I ran out of yellow paint and you’re the only person who can help me!”
You were not sure why, but hearing that reason coming from Renjun of all people was making your blood boil in anger. He went all this way to your house, throwing pebbles out your window like some cliché romcom protagonist, even climbing up a building, just to ask for fucking yellow paint?!
“Are you hearing yourself, Huang Renjun? I’m going to kill you!” You grabbed a few of the still open paint tubes by your desk, squeezing its contents all over his clothes in a fit of rage. He gasped, crying out in anguish as globs of blue and red marred the cute little Moomins on his shirt.
“You did not just do that!” He yelled, slapping the paint out of your hands. You were pretty shocked yourself, though you can’t help but giggle a little at how flabbergasted he looked.
“That’s what you get for being ridiculous, you stupid shit––hey, stop! Put down that cup of paint water now before I––NO!”
Murky black water splashes down your left cheek and onto your pajamas, the gross, cold sensation making you splutter out indignantly at the smirking boy. “Oh my god, you absolute bastard!”
It did not take long for the argument to dissolve into a full-blown paint fight as the two of you sprayed each other with every bit of available art supply in your room. Paint, brushes, pens, and markers were launched into the air, both of you screaming in both anger and delight as you hit the other with every type of projectile imagineable.
Renjun jumped across the bed, searching your bedside table for more ammo once you managed to hoard most of them on your side. It didn’t take long for him to find one of your unopened bottles of yellow paint, and he hooted in victory as he held it up in the air like a trophy.
“Yes, I found it! Ceasefire, Y/N! I got what I wanted!”
“And you think I’m supposed to stop just because you’re happy?” You screeched back, readying a large amount of black paint on one of your paintbrushes like a makeshift catapult. “Drop that paint bottle if you wanna live, Renjun!”
It was in that moment when one of your roommates suddenly barged in to the scene, her entire being blazing with heat as she furiously accessed the room. There you were, paint dripping from every inch of your body, with a similarly painted boy on the other side of your bed with a little 50mL bottle of yellow paint in his open fist. No one made a sound for a moment, afraid to explain what the hell you both were doing, until––
“I’m not even going to ask. Just shut up before I get you evicted,” Yeri growled, slamming the door with the frame rattling in her wake.
“Oh god, she’s going to kill me tomorrow,” you moaned, dropping the paintbrush and dropping your head against your newly painted bed. Not looking at him, you pointed your finger in his general direction, forcing him to stop as he tried to covertly escape through the window. “Don’t you dare move another muscle. You are helping me clean my room before class, or so help me I’ll paint angry eyebrows on all your Moomin plushies.”
That got him moving to help you quickly, at least. With the two of you working together instead of fighting, you managed to get all your bedsheets into the washer and most of the paint splatters removed from your walls and floor in record time. Thankfully there wasn’t much damage on your room, as you and Renjun were the main casualties of the paint war.
While the two of you finished up, you hadn’t realized that the sun had already begun its approach into the sky, meaning that it was time to get ready for class.
“Shit, I won’t be able to shower in time,” you whined, fruitlessly picking at the paint clumping your hair together. You gave Renjun the evil eye, who had the decency to look sheepish at least.
“Wait, hold that thought,” he said, grasping your hand in his as he appraised you with an odd look. His brows were furrowed, thinking deeply as he traced the strokes of yellow and blue on your cheeks, all the way to your neck. His proximity made the blood rush to your face, and you hoped that the paint was doing a good job covering your flush.
It was an odd sensation, feeling so aware of your friend’s presence. You never noticed how cute he looked until that moment, when he was so focused and thoughtful like this. He had always looked handsome to you, but for whatever reason, the dash of red on the corner of his lip never looked more enticing than it did then.
After a bit more staring, he smiled softly at you, tucking a bit of your hair behind your ear with the sort of gentleness that you have come to associate with him. Your stupid, funny, smart, lovable Renjun. The only boy that you could never stay mad at.
“I think I have my submission for my art project right here,” he said, simply and honestly.
You giggled a bit, not quite understanding. “Well, you got the yellow paint, right? Shouldn’t you head home and try to finish your painting before class starts? You got a bit of time, I think.”
He shook his head, cupping your face like something to be held. Like something to be admired. There was something blooming inside your chest; a field of sunflowers, all of them reaching towards the light right in front of you.
The sun grinned at you, and the sunflowers rejoiced. “Nah. I think I’m good. More than good.”
#nct scenarios#nct dream scenarios#nct imagines#nct dream imagines#nct x reader#renjun x reader#renjun imagines#renjun scenarios#nct scenario#nct#nct dream#renjun#huang renjun#renjun fluff#nct fluff
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Wanna One Lai Guan Lin - The 24 Hour Challenge
featuring: lai guan lin
genre: fluff
word count: 1,964 words
summary: a 24-hour experience with a newly assigned class, and a so-called crush
suggested: nah lmao
you were a junior in your high school
so as an annual tradition, each junior class has to conduct something special for their class to bond before the start of the school year
because in sophomore year you all were in different classes
so you kind off had to get to know each other
your newly elected class representative, lee daehwi, suggested a 24 hour challenge at a chalet
and it was somehow approved by the school
it was supposedly “innovative” and a “fresh idea”
anyways
everyone in your class managed to chip in a little fee to book the chalet for a full day
luckily in your new class you knew a few people from your sophomore class
you thought about skipping cause you thought it would be weird lmao
but your friend dragged you along because she loves exploring new things
so ofc you went
class spirit!
time skip
on the day of the 24 hour challenge
everyone gathered at the booked chalet at about 3pm
& our amazing class rep split the class up into small groups of 4 to their rooms to unpack
boys & girls rooms duh
at about 4pm everyone was gathered back at the common room
and he began explaining the ground rules
like no alcohol, no illegal substances etc
and no electronics
so he had to confiscate everyone’s phone lmao
he also explained the itinerary of the full 24 hours
and he said everyone could hang around until 6pm, where people had to gather at the bbq pit for dinner
after dispersing, you were left defenseless without your precious phone
so you went to the kitchen
isnt the kitchen everyone’s safe haven lmao
and started socializing with your new classmates
you made a few friends surprisingly
and it was fun overall
stirring your cup of coffee, you looked over at the common room decked with kinect & wii games
you spot this really enthusiastic kid that dragged his friend to switch on just dance to play
seeing the slightly taller guy dance made you smile a little
he seemed like a really reserved guy, but he looked like he was having lots of fun with his friend
it was really cute
so you never thought you would do this
but you joined them
since just dance could play up to 4 people
you decided why not
you never tried just dance
and you played a game with them
yes, without asking their names
after this extremely long and strenuous song
you got second place
with the taller guy in last
you look over to expect a defeated look
but he was still smiling like how he did 10 minutes ago
he was panting yeah
trying to regain his breath on the couch
he still looked really smol
even tho he was tall
while you let your other classmates play
you learnt the guy who got 1st place was seonho
he was generally just a really happy guy
you kindoff guessed it when he entered the class on the first day and gave everyone a sweet and a card with a happy face sticker on it
& the other guy
who was still dancing away
was named guanlin
after chatting a bit with seonho you decided to help out at the bbq pit
and you saw daehwi & your friend chatting away
they were exchanging jokes and giggles
and you just pressed your hand against the glass pane and smiled
you sHIPPED THEM sO hard
bc class rep & vice class reps are shippable
then you heard someone next to you say,
“i ship them too, they’re cute,”
you faced him, to see guanlin pressing his arm against the glass pane as well
“oh, hello, i’m y/n,” you turned to him and greeted
and he did the same
as you threw him a towel from the drawer to wipe his sweat, you asked,
“should we disrupt their moment?”
guanlin shook his head
“nah, it’s their moment,” he said, smiling as he walked away
you watched him as he walked away
and that kindoff concluded your first interaction with him
the guy with the smile that needed to be protected
time sKIP
after some good dinner
(daehwi made sure eVEryone was full)
(class rep more like mother)
he said it was time for gamES!!
you could hear seonho frm the other side of the room squeal
& it was hide and seek
you swore you haven’t played hide and seek ever since you were 8
but you were convinced that you could find a great hiding spot
you kindoff saw a spot earlier that no one wld ever suspect (!!)
so once the seeker began counting down, you loitered a bit first
cause you wanted to see everyone scatter
maybe you could find a better spot
but you ultimately went to your spot
which was this camouflaged door under the stairs that led to a small storage area
you weren’t afraid of small spaces
so why not
you opened the door to see
well
a tall fella
sat in the corner
before you could apologize and leave, the seeker had already announced he would begin
and guanlin grabbed your wrist, pulled you in and shut the door
uhh it was kindoff a small space
so it was just you and guanlin
in the dark
uncomfortably close
you were both sitting in silence
you wanted to say something
but the seeker could hear you guys talking if you did
so you kept quiet
you could still see some of guanlin’s face due to the fading light falling into through the thin walls
he had literally no flaws
how can a guy have flawless skin?!?
without thinking you blurted out,
“sO-”
before you could even continue tho
he grabbed your wrist again
his hand shocked you lmao
so you fell forward a bit & he caught you
& you could smell his scent
like
NO
you felt like you did injustice
and you backed up a bit and whispered sorry
thanks to the light
you couldnt see the red fading on guanlin’s cheeks
oh & god damn your ears were all red too
ugh just kiss already
anyways
the seeker was left with you two
and could not find you two
so you two crawled out of the little storage room
everyone didn’t expect the two of you to be together
in an enclosed space
so there were a bit of murmurs
daehwi exCLAIMED,
“yOU hAVe vIOLATED THe RUleS of INdeCen-”
“NO” you blurted
daehwi started laughing
and everyone did too
except you and guanlin
you literally thought they were interrogating you
but it was a joke
haha joking
you fake-laughed
you turned around to see him
just looking away
occasionally rubbing his cheeks
after the game, it was curfew, & you managed to escape to your room as quickly as possible
and dug your face into your pillow
and you just lied there for 10mins
and did not notice your friend enter
“what was the deal with guanlin? are you all a thing?” your friend asked as she sat on your bed
“uughhhhhhh”
“so i take that as a no?”
you sit up and faced her
“it was embarrassing,” you said & covered your face
“pff, it’s okay, have a good nights rest okay?” she said, patting your back
after sulking a bit more, you decided to change into your pjs
as you walked out of the room door, you noticed guanlin walking to his room wearing his freshly changed pjs
it was a matching set of fluffy pjs
it was so adorable wtf
wait
wHy were you feeling these?!?
you shook your head vigorously
like girl
you cant fall for some guy you just met
you did a quick change and went to sleep
but through hours of tossing and turning
you couldnt sleep
you just couldnt sleep in a new environment
partially another reason you didnt want to come
you would naturally grab your phone and scroll around on instagram or something
but since you didnt have it
you just laid on your bed
looking at the clock
it was almost 3am
you sighed
you had nothing to do
so you decided to go down to kitchen and make yourself some hot tea
it was really soothing to you
as you floated down the stairs craving for your tea
you noticed the kitchen light on
you peeked in
and saw guanlin standing there with his own cup of drink
before you could run away from the embarrassment previously
he called out your name
“yo y/n! you up too?”
you found his raspy voice so bEauTifuL
you slowly spun around
and reminded yourself to not remember the incident previously
and you did
“uhh, y-yeah,” you stammered, and walked past him to make a drink
he saw you, it was impossible to just walk away again
“ahaha yeah, me too, i can’t sleep in new places,”
while the hot water was pouring into your cup, you turned around
“rEally?” you said too enthusiastically
you eyes literally shone
and he was shocked
“o-oh sorry hah, i have the same problem,” you said, collecting your drink
looking out of the window, you said
“i just never knew someone with the a similar, yknow,”
guanlin hummed in agreement
the next hour was just spent talking
about anything tbh
about how you never really saw him in freshman and sophomore year because he was that timid
about grades
until you two finished your midnight drinks
you two walked up the stairs back to your rooms together
as you turned the doorknob to your room, he ruffled your hair and passed by behind you
“goodnight, y/n”
you could hear a smile from his voice
which made your heart melt ok
you returned to your bed and kindoff reflected
you would be spending two more of your years in school with your cRush
oh god u admitted your crush
aaaaaaaaaaaa
and you fell asleep to the thought that you would be able to see that smile everyday
fEw hOURs pass
9am!! sun rise!!!
breakfast!!
ofc u weren’t up because you slept at like 4am last night lmao
so you waddled out of bed at 11am
everyone already had their breakfast and are literally out of the door heading for the beach
you were so behind time lmao
once you saw no one around, you realized you were late
as you opened the front door, you heard stomping behind you
it was guanlin
because he slept at 4am too
“lets goooo!!” you shouted, grabbing his wrist and dragging him out of the door
jeez he didnt even put on slippers yet
once you reached the beach, you just ate the sandwich you packed for lunch and thats about it
while everyone else played
you werent much of a fan of the sun and outdoors bahah
but you saw guanlin playing in the water with the other guys
he had the smile again
the captivating one
you sigh and just look his way
for some reason
you had the urge to make him smile like that
and you really wanted to see him smile because of you
and you only
uhgh what were u thinking
time sKip
it was time to leave :(
everyone was one by one leaving the compound with their belongings
and you were one of the last ones
when you left, you saw guanlin waiting for you near the door
guanlin grinned, put down his duffel bag and opened his arms
you walked right into them, hugging him back
“see you soon, guanlin,” you said
“wait-”
you turn around
“uhm, i would love to talk with you again,” he said, handing you his phone with a new contact application
you smiled
“of course,”
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Okay, Universe...I hear you!
When I was in the process of leaving Tampa people would ask me how I was doing. My answer was that I was getting things done but my meltdown was scheduled for February 15th so I’d have enough discounted chocolate to get me through it. I was mostly joking, but apparently Universe was listening attentively and granted my wish.
Dinner with Puppy on Thursday went well, bad food and crappy service aside. My work day had been productive and I’d initially planned on meeting Subby Soldier for coffee and a movie Friday night but he ended up with overnight duty. I was bummed but decided that doing Galentine's Day with Cookie was a great plan.
I was craving my mac and cheese... lots of real cheese, milk, all the things that are worth the pain on occasion. My mood was generally okay but I still knew I needed a little extra comfort. I cooked dinner at her house and we got caught up on Grey’s Anatomy with a box of chocolates between us. And then things started to unravel.
First it was Tampa sending me a “Happy Valentine’s Day” text. That pissed me off to no end. Like, how fucking dare he!?! What did he think I would do given that I haven’t responded to ANY of the messages he’s sent me? Did he think I’d be so weak and sad that I’d finally reply and open that door again? Fuck that!
And then Byron called me. I love that man with all of my heart and wish I was closer so I could be more of a support. His daughter’s murderer was convicted of 2nd degree murder and a stack of lesser offenses which was good news overall. I think he expected the verdict to make him feel better, but I’m afraid that it’s just taken away the thing he was focusing his anger. I worry about him all the time.
The thing that broke the floodgates during our call was him talking about how amazing I am... he tells me that I’m the smartest person he’s ever known and how much he loves me. He said that he knows a lot of his issues in life happened because of his own choices...“It’s not that I didn’t want to grow up I just didn’t know how.” Ouch!
He then said that it’s super shitty because I’ve had to keep rebuilding my life because of other people’s choices and behavior. That’s one of those things that’s almost harder to hear. I honestly thought that I was always the good guy in my own story because I couldn’t see what I was doing wrong. That’s human nature. We need to believe we are doing things right even if we aren’t. Having someone outside of it all telling me that I wasn’t wrong except for loving the wrong men and giving too much of myself away... fuck... It really is harder to hear that I am worthy, I am loved, I am fucking amazing and that it’s truly their loss. Just ouch.
Saturday morning I woke up around 6am in a lot of pain, physical and emotional. After crying for a little while, I dozed off again and slept until well past 10am. Even then, there was more crying and lounging in bed until almost noon while I messaged Puppy and chatted a bit with Subby Soldier.
I made plans to pull myself out of bed and meet Subby Soldier at a local park then go to a movie. It was a slow morning and he said he was helping a friend with his computer but he’d keep me posted on timing. I was dressed and ready to go when he said he had gotten in the shower. And that’s when the bubble burst. Subby Soldier had told me that he and his wife were in an open relationship... that she would be so excited to hear about his stories as that’s what their thing was... Nope!
I was the one to do the blocking... And it wasn’t about him by any means. I was genuinely just looking for a band aid... for temporary relief while I’m putting myself back together. But I felt really stupid. I pulled my boots off and cried away all of my makeup.
Byron called me in the midst of a crying jag which helped me simmer down a bit. He was just checking in on me again, but he opened with asking if I’d heard about the trial. When he called on Friday night he sounded... tired... and I do worry that he isn’t maintaining his sobriety after all. I wouldn’t blame or judge him in the least if that was the case, I just want him healthy and safe.
It was also in the throes of it all that a communication breakdown happened between Juno and Puppy about him coming down today. One of the things I’d been thinking about when I woke up was that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have Puppy stay overnight. Sex is one thing, sleeping together is a whole other level of intimacy.
Juno had asked Puppy to talk about things, not because she isn’t comfortable with me but because she’s owning her own feelings and growing pains around practicing polyamory after their history of monogamy...I seriously adore her!
I expressed MY feelings to Puppy and he assumed that Juno had said something to me that prompted it. He lashed out to her and she called me crying.
I reassured her the best I could that I was not going to allow Puppy to behave like that and that if he didn’t get it together and take proper care of her emotional needs that he would lose me quick. I’m not about to cause any more pain or stress for her. As much as I adore Puppy and am looking forward to seeing his D-type side it’s not worth it to me if everything isn’t fully above board and healthy everywhere. I ‘laid the law down’ with Puppy I got a short reply, then nothing for several hours until he messaged later with an apology.
I pulled myself together eventually, had a bite of sativa fudge and made myself some air-fried buffalo tofu. From there I pulled out a Frida puzzle and started sorting it.
My phone rang a little later and it was Spartan Man from Texas. He’s been on facebook a ton lately and I’d just been thinking about how much I missed having the kind of relationship he and I had. We were on and off for about 6 years. When we were free we had amazing sex, made videos together and were generally fuck buddies with emphasis on buddies.
When we were involved with others and doing the monogamy thing we still enjoyed hanging out, watching documentaries and having long talks about the nature of life, humanity, and all things deep and esoteric. He did kinda fall off the deep end awhile back with his affinity for Alex Jones and all things 2 steps too far into homeopathic land, but over-all he’s a good guy and we always had drama-free fun together.
We talked about the good times and the ‘blue screen moments’ as he called the really good times, especially the one when I came over to trip sit while he and his roommate were shrooming. We are both single but I know that actually getting romantically involved with him would be out of the question, even if we were in the same zip code. However, I wouldn’t rule out a weekend together at some point.
After we hung up I realized that my fudge had kicked in and I was a little high. I sent him a text apologizing if I’d been extra chatty and telling him why. More flirty texts were exchanged before I melted into the couch for more Letterkenny until I was ready for bed.
Overall Saturday was exhausting so I didn’t feel bad crawling back into bed less than 12 hours from when I’d crawled out. I slept this morning until 9am and have been chatting with Juno all morning.
She and Puppy seem to be doing a little better this morning and she sent me a pic of them curled up in bed with their new little fur baby. It made me smile lots.
Ultimately, I get it that the Universe is just keeping me out of trouble. I’m trying not to be resentful of the fact that I’m clearly not allowed a band aid and that I have to do all of this the hard way... again... but in the end I know it’s just another round of serious growing pains.
I’ve got my tattoo consult in a few hours. I’ve decided on a phoenix to cover the bad ink on my shoulder that I got 25 years ago. The artist won’t be available to do the work until Sept/Oct but but her work is worth waiting for. That, and depending on how many sessions it will take I may get it done on or near my birthday.
I’m on my do-over 40 and skipping to 42 this fall because, as we all know, 42 is the meaning of life!
Off to start the day... or should I say afternoon. We’ll see how things go with Puppy and how I’m feeling tomorrow. I’m hoping that things will go well and I’ll have a big smile on my face soon enough... but I know that whatever happens it really is for the best.
I hear you, Universe! I really do!
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[RO] The 2 year Spew
The 2 year Spew
Snazzy title right? Probably an odd choice for marketing reasons, who would want to buy a book about a spew? And a 2 year one at that? If that even makes sense. You’re probably thinking ‘What the hell is this going to be about?’ Well it does involve a spew… not mine though… It is kind of a long story, after all I have 2 years to fill you in on. Let me explain.
2 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I know everyone says their child is beautiful, but mine seriously is. He has blonde hair, bright blue eyes, cute little button nose… he’s beautiful, just take my word for it. I’m not sure why, and I don’t know how wide spread this tradition is, but the Dads of newborns having a ‘Head wetting’ to celebrate the arrival of their new baby into the world. Which is essentially just a piss up with all his mates… I’m sure there is some religious relevance somewhere but I’m not religious so I have no idea. I’m sure in the religious version, copious amounts of alcohol aren’t involved.. but I digress… So myself and my little bundle of joy ship off to my brothers house for the night, while my partner (lets call him Alex) has his mates over in the shed for a massive night of beers and music to ‘wet the head’ of his new baby boy. Now I must say I was quite lucky that the newborn stage was quite easy for me, little bundle was a great sleeper, when he was awake he was content and my gosh did this kid love his booby milk. I am grateful that I never had any drama with breast feeding as I know so many do, so I was quite comfortable getting up through the night to feed my bub, even at just a week old. However, my bub for the first year of his life, was an early riser. 5am every morning, without fail. It was still bloody dark outside! I was never sleep deprived, but man a 5am start, makes for a long morning and an even longer day. By 9am (which felt like lunch time) I was bored and just wanted to go home. So I did. And what welcomed me when precious bundle and I got home is the premise to this story, an en suite covered in spew. I walked into my bedroom to see Alex in bed with a bucket next to him, towels strewn across my en suite floor, a wet mop and a smell of straight alcohol so strong I thought my baby might get drunk just from breathing the air. I took my baby into the lounge room where 2 of his friends had slept on the couch, I made them a cup of coffee and they filled me in on Alex’s antics from the night prior. And let me preface this by saying Alex has a bad relationship with alcohol. Anyone who knows Alex has a story of a time when he had spewed somewhere or on someone, and I loathed the fact that is his ‘thing’. They informed me nothing spectacular had happened. Alex drank too much too fast, he could barely speak or walk, so his friends took him to bed. Alex sat on the edge of the bed and proceeded to projectile vomit up to 2 metres in front of himself all over the en suite bathroom. Being the good friends they are (to me as well) they knew me coming home to this mess with a newborn was a bit much, so they did the best clean up job a couple of drunk men could. And to this day I appreciate this gesture very much. I let Alex sleep until past midday, his friends at some stage went home, and I rounded up the spewy towels and left it to Alex to tidy up the rest. I’ll do a lot for people, but cleaning up a grown mans self inflicted spew, is a job for only himself. Now I don’t know when you’re reading this, so let me remind you of a ‘thing’ that was popular back in 2018/2019. The phrase ‘this is my hill to die on’. Well, this became my hill to die on. If you lived under a rock and haven’t heard of this saying, let me enlighten you. It means ‘An issue to pursue with wholehearted conviction and/or single minded focus, with little or no regard to the cost.’
The next day I reminded Alex about his mess in the en suite, how it had splashed up the walls, it was on the wardrobe doors, it was even on the wall next to the bed. I cleaned little bits off the carpet, but again… this is a grown adults self-inflicted spew! I refused to clean this up for him. I’m dying on this hill remember!
A week had passed, and it was now well and truly dry. The spew smell had subsided at least. It was bearable to once again be in that room without gagging. Now luckily most of the time the splashed spew wasn’t all that noticeable, but it bugged me. Sometimes the sun would come in on such an angle that it almost lit up every spot of spew in a fluorescent light and it made me so mad I had to leave the room! Alex seemingly forgot? At least that’s what I told myself. Otherwise who would be so damn disrespectful to the other people of this house, that they wouldn’t even clean up their own spew? I’m not a clean freak by any means, I’ve lived in this house for 3 years now and I’ve only cleaned my oven twice. But if I spewed on my oven, it would be a different story… BECAUSE BODY FLUIDS!!
Months passed. Alexs relationship with alcohol never changed, but he started to become nasty to me when he got drunk. Not all the time, but often enough that it made me question what the hell was I doing in the relationship. He was a brilliant Dad to our little bundle, and I adore that about Alex, but our relationship started to unravel.
They say when you have kids, people change and its hard on relationships. I agree with that, but our problems weren’t new. When I became a mother, I think my tolerance for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour changed. Is coming home and going straight to sleep acceptable behaviour? Yes. Is coming home drunk and yelling at me about a cheese burger and waking the sleeping baby acceptable behaviour? Hell no.
These early months were a time of great reflection for me. Because somehow, I had become my mother. Mum died long before I ever even thought of having children. She died young and quick from an aggressive cancer. Very sad. But an unfortunate part of life. Like most kids, I had a love/hate relationship with her. She was in an abusive marriage, and she didn’t do a thing about it. I had to call the police more times than any child should, because of the physical abuse she endured. The next day My stepdad would apologise, and in a few weeks time, we did this dance again. My younger sisters are 10 years younger than me. When the adults had one of these nights, my sisters would cry out from their bedrooms. I’d get them and place them in our brothers bedroom at the other end of the house, until either they calmed down, or I called the police and they deescalated the situation. I hated that my mother put us through this. If you want to put yourself in this position, more fool you. But to put us kids through this was damn near child abuse. And yes, I should have been angry at my step dad for being an abuser, and I was. But I never understood why she never wanted to protect us from this by leaving him.
Now I know why. My mother always saw the best in people. So when he said he’d change and it wouldn’t happen again, she believed him. And now I was doing the exact same thing with Alex.
He was never abusive sober, in fact he has never been able to recall a single horrible thing he’s ever said to me. Because he’s gotten so drunk, he’s lost most of his memories of the night in general, let alone when he got home.
The tip of the iceberg was when we went on a group trip with some family and friends to Bali. Our little bundle was nearly a 1 year old and was perfection on the plane. We had a great time! Sipping cocktails by the pool, taking it in turns to sit in our room when baby slept so the other could explore the resort and the town. One magnificent afternoon, Alex came back to our room and I could tell he’d had more than just a few drinks. He was trying to pick a fight with me. I’d ask him to keep his voice down while the baby slept, apparently that meant I was ‘controlling’. I asked him about his afternoon and how much he’d had to drink, I was deemed ‘no fun anymore’ and it wasn’t any of my business how much he drank. We went to meet the rest of our group for dinner and they all knew Alex was drunk. He snapped at me if I asked him to help with the baby. He made fun of how slow I drank my wine in front of everyone is if it was the joke of the day. A friend pulled me aside and asked me if I was ok, because she hadn’t seen Alex act like this before. I assured her it was fine, he’d just had to much to drink. Unfortunately when I knocked over my drink and it hit the floor, I couldn’t keep up that façade, because in front of everyone, Alex screamed at me calling me a fucking dickhead and somehow I did that on purpose to prove a point (to this day I have no idea what he meant). One of the older guys in our group told him to walk away and cool off. I didn’t see Alex again until the early hours of the next morning when he came back to our room. I could hear him stumble in. He kicked the bin and mumbled ‘for fucks sake’ as he then crashed into the desk that the tv was on, in a failed attempt to be quiet. I didn’t speak a word. Our baby bundle was in a porta cot about a metre from Alex’s side of the bed, in hindsight a mistake on my part. Almost as soon as Alex lied down in bed I could tell he was going to be sick, I’ve been in this situation to many times before with him that I unfortunately knew the deep breathing associated with Alex’s pre spew ritual. I shook him and told him to get up because he’s about to be sick, he could only groan before I heard it rise from his stomach. I was already half way up when it hit the bed sheets, then the baby started to cry. Another spew and a cough later, Alex rolled over in his own spew and went to sleep as if it was the cure to insomnia. Luckily there was a couch in the room. Bundle and I snuggled up on the couch. I didn’t sleep knowing that my bundle and I deserve better than this.
When we returned from Bali, I told Alex I was done. All his empty promises to change over the years, were simply just words without meaning now. He called a counsellor, and admitted he had a problem.
Over the next few months we attended couples counselling, as well as some solo sessions to try and work on ourselves.
I stuck around, perhaps out of guilt. I didn’t want to be the reason a father couldn’t see his son when he got home from work, but I also hated myself for giving him yet another chance to change. I had convinced myself because he was getting counselling now, things would be different. We communicated as issues arose. We talked about our childhoods and learnt why we behave the way we do. I understood my self-hate for replicating my own mothers behaviours, and why Alex has such a strong sense of self entitlement. Now I understood it. But I couldn’t change Alex. He had to do that himself.
I’ve had a bad habit in our relationship of doing things for Alex that he says he can’t do himself. He came home from work with terrible asthma. Asthma that had been getting worse for weeks. This time it was so bad he could hardly converse with me. I had asked him weeks prior to make an appointment to get more medication. Did he? No. Did I have to do it for him? Of course. Alex had been paying far to much for a phone plan that did not suit what he needed, I asked him for months to simply call and change it, its easy! I even told him what to say. Did he? No. Did I cave when he asked me to do it for him? Unfortunately, yes.
Alex cut down on his drinking, so the abuse stopped. He was making progress, but things at home didn’t get any better. I don’t think he ever did it consciously, but Alex had it ingrained in him this self entitled attitude. He would only help me with chores around the house if it was something that bothered him. If I asked him to vacuum the toddlers crumbs off the carpet, but Alex wasn’t bothered by the mess, he wouldn’t do it. If I asked him to help me change the bedsheets, but he didn’t think they were dirty enough, he wouldn’t do it. One night we had an argument about this very matter, he stormed off and went to bed. He left in the morning with a slam of the door and without a goodbye.
When I seriously started thinking about leaving Alex I was a ball of anxiety and guilt. Because if I left, who would look after Alex? I genuinely didn’t know if he knew how to be an adult. I knew he’d be fine with our now toddler when he had him, but when it came to paying bills, packing the toddlers day care bag, cooking decent food, I was genuinely concerned.
I was fed up. I sat on the edge of the bed wondering how to fix this with Alex. I had a toddler now, but I felt like a had a lazy teenager as well. As the morning sun came through the windows of our bedroom, the spew that had splattered my bathroom now 2 years ago, lit up like a Christmas tree.
If someone can leave their own spew for someone else to clean up for over 2 years, with regular reminders mind you, because its not something that bothers him. Then he was never going to change for me, his son or himself.
I packed mine and the toddlers bags. And we left.
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Greetings fellow travelers,
I hope that wherever you’re reading this from, you are safe.
I haven’t been safe in awhile.
Yes, I have a roof over my head. (A new, expensive one at that; first year home-ownership can be stressful).
Yes, I have food and water. (Well, sometimes there’s food – usually the fridge is empty-ish and even when it’s not, I’m not really into eating it.) This fact alone makes me safer than millions and millions of people.
I am – generally speaking – not in danger.
Except last week. Last week, I was in a lot of danger. And it wasn’t the first time.
It comes as no surprise to anyone following my story that as a “Professional Patient” I spend most of my days balancing doctors appointments and symptom-tracking and medications. To be honest (and you should always be honest, right Justin?), I’ve been doing a truly shitty job managing my illnesses. It starts simply enough – one bad day. That bad day leads to two, and by then I’ve decided nothing I could do matters and I let go of the controls. Sounds healthy, right?
So a couple of weeks ago, as I was juggling my annual OBGYN visit, IUD discussions, a urology referral, a visit to UNC to discuss my constant nausea and further testing, a mammogram, vision testing for new glasses and contacts (and WAY more money than we have), my therapy visits and then 3 or 4 “normal” appointments, I kind of lost my mind.
The thing is, it wasn’t even beyond the scope of normal; that’s a pretty average week in my life. Where things started to go sideways was in the creeping, slinking, insidious feeling that an MS relapse – or something worse – was coming on. I’ve described this enough times that I feel we are all comfortable with what this looks like, so I’ll just summarize by saying that at this point in the story I was no longer in control of my motions, thoughts, words or feelings.
When Thommy and I went on our annual wedding anniversary trip in early October, we spent most of our time playing the previously referred to “ER or nah??” game. I didn’t want to go to an ER out of state (we were in Tennessee) so we just assumed the worst was yet to come and tried to enjoy what we could of the Smokey Mountains. BUT, because my brain wasn’t working properly, I forgot to pack both my cane AND my handicap placard, so we weren’t able to do much sightseeing or exploring. In fact, we barely left the condo. Since we’ve been married for 9 years, and together for 13, we don’t need a lot of special attractions to enjoy a trip; just being in each others’ presence is special enough.
At the Tennessee Welcome Center
So let’s catch up: we got home, the symptoms got way worse, and on Friday, October 27th, I went again to see my primary care doctor. He took an X-Ray of my neck first to see if that could explain some of the symptoms. Luckily, it did a little – I now have 3 herniated discs and something wrong with the curvature of my spine – and had we not had more pressing issues he said we would be discussing physical therapy, cortisone shots and possibly surgery – but since I couldn’t feel my leg or finish a complete sentence, we had bigger problems.
He sent me over to the hospital as a direct admit. He assured me they would give me sedatives before the MRI of my brain, thoracic and cervical spine (a 2 hour procedure), but the hospital was experiencing a severe shortage of IV Valium so they gave me Ativan instead, and it did nothing, except possibly make me MORE agitated. Over the course of my stay they tried 7 IVs. 2 blew. One nurse cried and I did everything I could to convince her it was me, not her.
It is now Sunday, November 5th and it hurts just to type this. But what I want to say is important; I was diagnosed as having another MS flare.
After 3 MS medications THIS YEAR ALONE.
After the hell of Ocrevus JUST TWO MONTHS AGO.
The reason MS patients put up with all the bullshit is to STAY OUT of relapses. I tortured myself all year just to end up here anyway. And that’s JUST the MS – never mind everything else in my body hatching plans against me.
So. They prescribe 3 days of IV steroids (WHY, GOD, WHY?), fluids and pain management. Fine. I’m pissed but I can do this. What’s 3 more days in the hospital? I am safe.
Except.
Except…
I can’t do it. I am not safe.
A psychiatrist comes to talk to me on the day of discharge. “Are you safe at home?”
(Mental checklist: roof, food, check.)
“Yes.”
“OK,” she says, “do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others?”
Let’s do the easy one first. Do I want to hurt others? Like this guy – this guy here who SLEPT IN A CHAIR FOR 3 DAYS AND BARELY LEFT MY SIDE AND DECKED OUT OUR ROOM IN PENN STATE STUFF FOR THE GAME DESPITE THE FACT THAT I KEEP YELLING AT HIM AND CRY INCOHERENTLY?? No. No, I do not want to hurt him.
(Well, I didn’t. But now that I’m at home, in pain, miserable and riding steroid rage, ummmm…..)
But do I want to hurt myself?
Yes. I want to find a way to trump the pain I’m in every day, I want to be the one doing the hurting, actively, so I’m no longer passively being injured, I want it to be quiet, I want it to stop, I want it to end. Please. Make it all stop.
“Would you allow yourself to be voluntarily committed to our behavior health unit?”
What’s left to hide from? What’s left to be scared of? I’ve seen the worst, I’ve felt the worst, I’ve been in the dark for a long time.
What it feels like she’s asking is, “Do you want to save what’s left of you?”
“Yes.”
And that’s where another story starts and ends. The only other time I’ve been hospitalized for mental health issues since Renfrew, and this time it was only 3 days because on the chaotic and teary night of admission I signed my 72 hour release form. (They really should make you wait until morning to do that, but what do I know…)
So basically I asked to leave before I had even fully been processed.
But that’s OK because 3 days in a psych unit is a powerful time. Every single person you meet changes you forever. And I want to do justice to that story so we’ll save it for another day.
But what I want you to know now is that on Monday, November 6th, I will start a 6 week intensive partial hospitalization; that means from 9am to 1pm I’ll be in intensive therapy, both group and individual and I’ll meet each week with a psychiatric nurse to continue to adjust my medications and with a psychiatrist to keep this journey moving. In addition, I can still see my normal therapist once a week, who I’ve been seeing for two years, and who has been remarkable.
There are three other things I want you to know, and they are so important to me, that I’m asking you to really hear the words in your head – and I’m asking you to remember.
1.) I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for Thommy, my mom, a handful of the best friends I actually don’t deserve, and a tribe of “Rhea Team” warriors who pray for me and send me their positive energy and their love and their notes and their gifts and who keep showing up despite the tedious repetition of my illnesses and shortcomings. I know that I am blessed. I do not take it for granted. Please keep reminding me of the good things – please keep your words of love and light coming; it’s my way out of the darkness.
2.) You need to vote better. Sorry if that’s whiplash but it’s true. You and me both. I am getting the most amazing, thorough and continued treatment because of insurance. There was a time I didn’t have that. And there were people I met in the hospital who were released before they were stable because of insurance. Cuts to mental health services, Medicare, Medicaid, etc, literally, literally, literally KILL PEOPLE. I might be one of them. Vote in every election you can for leaders who will protect those services. I can’t believe this country works that way but here we are.
3.) Mental health stigma needs to end. And it can start with you. Stop using the word “crazy” a dozen times a day when it’s not necessary. That’s the easy one – challenge yourself today and see what happens. Don’t use diagnoses as adjectives. OCD, bipolar, schizophrenia, manic/mania, depressed, anorexic/bulimic, PTSD, cutting/cutters/self-harmers … all those things are real life. They can be nightmares that people may never wake up from. Some of us will get help and regulate it but we ALL need to stop carrying around the shame of it. It is not a punchline to your shitty joke. If someone trusts you enough to share their story with you: listen without judgement. You don’t have to fix them. You don’t have to feel their pain to help them through it. You can hold space with love and respect and allow them to process their emotions freely. Not everyone is ready to accept help – it is not your job to lecture them. Memorize the number to the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) so that you can provide a resource to someone is crisis. (Obviously, if it’s an emergency, call 911). But from experience, I can say that I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had a meltdown on the phone with someone while I told them I couldn’t make it one more day – and the act of simply being heard has kept me here one more day.
One more day.
That’s what’s left.
Or, like we talked about in the hospital, one more minute. It’s 7:31am right now. Can I make it until 7:32am? What can bridge those 60 seconds? Breathing? Medication? A phone call?
I know I said I needed you to know 3 things, but I lied, there’s one more:
I am not ashamed. As someone with complex mental illnesses AND complex physical illnesses, stuffing that all inside and hiding it from the world is what usually gets me into the darkest recesses of my mind and keeps me buried. As someone with mental illness, I *DO* feel guilty, all the time, for hundreds of things, real and imaginary; but, what I don’t feel guilty about, is sharing this with you. There is a level of self-loathing I experience that I didn’t even have words for until I was on the psych unit, but my head will not hang one inch lower after posting this and sharing it. I hope if you read this and you want to talk, you reach out. I hope if you read this, and you are so inclined, you share it with your circle because there might be someone who needs to read it and know help is out there and they don’t have to feel alone or ashamed.
I’m redefining myself with the pieces of what’s left; and with each new illness and test and hospitalization and med change, etc., I do feel like I lose some of the person I wanted to be. Or at least the person I thought I was. But there is so much power in realizing you can create someone new. And know this: if you’ve had to do this (I mean, REALLY, do this): you are a fucking superhero. Suit up. Here’s your cape…
xoxo
Rhea
What’s Left. Greetings fellow travelers, I hope that wherever you're reading this from, you are safe. I haven't been safe in awhile.
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The breakup...
So here I am back again, broken hearted and left alone. This time I really thought he was different; it’s funny how I always make the same mistakes. I can never see the red flags and I like many others always think “I can change them”.
Well heres the back story, lets call my ex boyfriend ‘Wallstreet’ because he's in finance and I think it would be a bit petty to put his real name up. So, we’ve been dating for 6 months and it was going to be our 7th anniversary soon. Now I know that may not be a long time so some and I might just be a melodramatic young but, I thought he was the one, I know thats cliche but honestly thats how I felt. This was the first healthy relationship I had, and there were so many new firsts with him. Going to a comedy clubs, dancing in the streets, trying new foods, and so much more. This was the first guy who my friends and family loved; Wallstreet was charming no doubt about it. It was easy with him, I was blinded with love. I missed all the red flags.
In the last month he got a new job and started working Monday-Saturday 8-8 in the stock market sector. I hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks almost and I kept asking to see him but he was busy with work and prior friend engagements and I was busy with school and work too. But, we still called and texted everyday. I missed him so much, and I had gotten a tie for his new job and wanted to surprise him with on Sunday when we were finally going to go on a date again. So, Saturday before date day came and I had my cousins wedding, and of course I was thinking about love and picturing a future with Wallstreet after it. I decided to call him, and we talked. Drunkly I was talking about the wedding and how his day was and everything was normal. And then... he said “ hey about tomorrow, my friend Walter is back in town and i invited him over for dinner” so i was like “ Oh have fun catching up with Walter (and I meant this genuinely), then when can I see you?” and he uttered.... “about that...” I then felt my heart stop... And asked him “ Are you breaking up with me?” And, he said “Yes”.
I felt my heart break... after all the time that we were together... he was dumping me over the phone. He knew my insecurities and my past, I had told him before about how I got dumped through text and asked him if he were ever to breakup with me to do it in person (like you always should because of respect for the other person). Over the phone/ text is so disrespectful and impersonal. I then proceeded to ask why and If I did anything wrong and he said no, your a nice girl but I don’t feel an emotional connection to you and I don’t see a future with you... Honesetly that was the most hurtful thing he could have said, I was infatuated with him. We were planning a vacation to Mexico or Cuba up until a week ago. I was so distraught and drunk I begged for him to give us another chance but he was adamant. It hurt me so much that he wasn’t willing to after all this time. I was a great girlfriend, and nice person... it hurt to hear that was great but, not good enough for him. He hadn't integrated me into his life, but he was integrated in mine... he agreed thats how people get connected and build connections but, so I asked to try to be integrated to try. But, he said he was sure his feelings wouldn't change and thats where it really hit me hard. He then said we had been talking in circles and that we should head to bed because it was 2 in the morning. He asked to talk the next day and I said okay after the dinner lets meet up.
I then called my best friend Apple and cried for 2 hours, she comforted me and gave me the real talk. I also, had work in the morning at 9am. It was 4:30am and I couldn't stop crying I had no clue how I was going to survive (I know it was dramatic). So, like the good friend she was she told me to make a list and take it one step at a time. I then went to work, puffy eyed and sad. Everyone asking why I looked like hell on earth and not my cheery self. I then told a couple of my coworkers I got dumped. They all were very comforting but looked at me with their pitiful stares. Time was going by so still... I was so anxious about meeting Wallstreet. My friend Apple picked me up from work, got me sushi and ice cream, I had no appetite but she made me nibble at it while I waited till I was suppose to meet him. But, then being the jerk that he was he texted to rain check and made a joke about it and asked how my day was like nothing was wrong... it was another stab in chest... I then stupidly agreed to meet the following day. I slept at Apple’s that night, and she dropped me off at work. I worked through my shift mindlessly, anxious thinking of what to say, if i should beg him to stay again... to give him his gift... thinking maybe its just because we haven't seen each other maybe its because we just need to connect intimately again. And, again he bailed... I then began to cry, my eyes were like waterfalls. I wasn't worth 5 minutes of his time... after almost 7 months of being a great girlfriend.
I was done crying and feeling so I called my ex-fuckboy boyfriend and hooked up with him. I just wanted to feel numb... I realized I no longer had feelings for him either, he had a grip on my life for the last 3 years. I was glad I came to this relation after hooking up with him; because ultimately thats the only thing he was good for. It also made me realize how bad Wallstreet was in bed too. Fuck-boy drove me home in the morning and asked me if i was free this upcoming weekend, and I told him I would get back to him. I then went up stairs, and deleted/blocked his number.
Honestly, I’m sad... I just want to move on and work on myself. But, I’m human and all I keep doing is thinking Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? What could I have done to keep him around... its sad and pathetic I know. Well heres to trying which is why I started this blog and honestly all the crap they say about writing out your feelings is true. I genuinely feel a bit better. Well heres to taking it one step at a time.
till next time- the broken hearted barista xoxo
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