#they see something and think it’s so new and it’s like shitty 90s cgi or early 2000s crap dhsjsksksksk
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How “The Dany-Show” ruined GoT at the core: 3-point system
1. Sansa vs. Cersei:
How is it possible that we had a million reunions - many of them involving secondary characters for fluff and fan service with zero impact on the plot - but these two women who had so much drama, so much unresolved business, never saw each other again? This is where you would have found the good story to tell and a major plot strand to resolve: the conflict between the Starks and the Lannisters. This is what started it all, this is where it should have ended. This is the story they should have focused on.
So why didn’t they?
Because Game of Thrones was already dead and gone and the series had become The Dany-Show and nothing but The Dany-Show.
Every character, every story arc, everything had to be directed towards Dragon Barbie and her drama. So of course there was no time or space for anything that was not related to the The Dany-Show. Basically a black hole that sucked all the great storylines and characters into its dark void.
Massive loose plot strands like the Stark-Lannister showdown were left to rot, because it was far more important to show off that CGI budget for gratuitous dragon shots and inane conversations between secondary character including sex jokes on the main.
There was literally more screen time allotted to the dragons than to Cersei...
After four seasons of Sansa and Cersei constantly referring to each other and the day they would meet again (willingly or not), it’s scandalous that they shoved so many characters back together for pointless reunions that were more or less blatant fan service (Bronn and the Lannister boys, really?!) but the big conflict, the personal drama that was playing out between Sansa and Cersei - that had actually taken on political dimensions now - did not even get a single scene?
Wrong choice.
I mean can you even imagine how Lena and Sophie would have acted the shit out of their reunion, because I can and it makes me furious that we were robbed of it. When two characters have so much unfinished business, so much foreshadowing and so much history that still isn’t resolved, the least you can expect is to give them at least a half-assed resolution - but we did not even get that, because it had nothing to do with The Dany-Show. Because all the characters have to only think about Dany and relate to Dany and if there is to be a conflict between female characters, it has to involve Dany and no one else.
Poor Lena deserved better than to be reduced to playing a two-dimensional shadow of Cersei Lannister who was little more than a prompt giver to The Euron Greyjoy Side-Show (because sex jokes!)
Also Bonus fuck-up: the prophecy of the YMBQ? Cersei died in the arms of Jaime, if anything Dany’s attack had given her back the one person/thing she cares about. So how exactly did Dany rob her of “all you hold dear” when Dany’s attack caused Jaime to literally drop Brienne like a hot potato, declare his undying love for Cersei and run back into her arms for his final moment?
Before that, Sansa had already “taken” Jaime into her services together with Brienne. He’d actually switched sides to serve “another queen” (just not Dany) and at least this prophecy made sense for two seconds but of course the YMBQ had to be Dany because it’s The Dany Show, whether it makes sense or not...
They just didn’t care anymore, did they?
2. Little...who?:
So we have half a dozen characters rolling up to Winterfell who knew Littlefinger and his dirty business, and Arya, Sansa and Bran are about to go:
Only for some reason: NO ONE asks.
There is not a single reference to the fact that the Stark kids found out that Littlefinger is the mastermind behind 90% of everything that has happened since S1 and that he was executed for this. It’s like it never happened and he never existed and neither did all the important plot points before S8.
Did Jon ever find out that Littlefinger betrayed Ned and conspired with the Lannisters to bring down the Starks?
Did Tyrion ever find out that Littlefinger framed him at the Purple Wedding?
Did Varys ever find out that his nemesis was outsmarted and defeated by three teenagers?
Nope. Nope. And nope.
Ain’t we all?
A character who’s been hailed as MVP by a huge part of the fandom because he knew how to network and play the game™ that is advertised in the title like no other, isn’t even mentioned again. One of the most popular theories re: S8 was (ridiculous as I found it myself) “Littlefinger isn’t dead” because many people felt he was still important to the story and there was also a lot of unfinished business with other characters he was connected to...Jon, Varys, Tyrion, Cersei, Sansa...
Instead, Littlefinger himself, his death and every plot point he was ever involved in was simply erased - because Littlefinger and his relation to these characters had nothing to do with, i.e. did not contribute to...you guessed it...The Dany-Show and therefore POUF, he never existed...
3. R+L = who gives a f***
But you know, these are minor grievances compared to the fact that Jon’s character was not only dumbled down and turned into a complicit in genocide...
Jon’s parentage story arc - you know, THE big revelation and PLOT TWIST - was turned into a side note, a five-minute mini drama that was more about how this will affect poor little Dany and her feelings.
They gave us scenes of Dany waxing on about how Jon’s being the one true king stresses her out because she wants the throne and what she expects him to do about it - but they ROBBED us of the moment Jon tells the Stark siblings that he is not truly their brother, but their cousin.
Because who cares about how Jon feels about this and his “siblings” coming to terms with the fact that:
their father Ned Stark had kept Jon a secret from everyone
that he had not fathered a bastard and betrayed their mother
but saved the one true heir, at cost of his honour,
they lived with the Targaryen crown prince and raised him under everyone’s nose...
No, no, the important thing is how Dany feels about it all and how it affects her.
After the huge build-up, the theories, the overt foreshadowing, even more infuriating - after throwing poor Elia and her children under the bus and making Jon legitimate...
After literally EVERYTHING in this series leading up to the moment when everyone would know who Jon Snow truly is...it had no effect on the story whatsoever, besides contributing to Dany finally revealing the full extent of her insanity (which was only a matter of time anyways)
Heir to the Iron Throne? Targaryen Prince? Rhaegar’s son? PTWP?
The point is: Drama for poor little Dany because her nephew doesn’t want to fuck her anymore is the actual heir.
You can’t even say that it led to her advisors finding out and betraying her because that is something they should have done ages ago, at the latest when she burned the Tarlys. It gave them a legitimate alternative option, yes, but it was not the first time they thought she needs to go...
At least R+L=J served one good purpose: it rubbed Dany’s nose in it that she is not special at all. She is NOT the last Targ, nor the “princess that was promised” - and it was never her destiny to rule, she was only ever the “aunt” of the prince.
Sadly, this is again ALL about Dany and her feelings and how everyone else reacts to her in light of the news that Jon is Aegon.
So R+L=J is not even about Jon in the end, it’s just another element of The Dany-Show. And once Dany is gone, it’s like R+L=J also got erased (just like Littlefinger and the Stark-Lannister-conflict)
...because let’s just send the Head of House Targaryen and last of his line beyond the wall again just because the murderous army of the mad tyrant, whom he heroically freed us from, demands it...and of course we have to wrap up the last five minutes of this shitty episode.
Conclusion:
D&D just REALLY didn’t care anymore once The Dany-Show was over and it’s painfully obvious to see. The good news is that all of these plot points that got erased/dumbled down/ignored^^ are things that are important to GRRM, which gives me hope for the last books at least...
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‘The Irishman’ is way too long
And *plot twist* it’s not even very good. Mr. Scorsese, it is with a heavy heart that I pronounce, the ends do not justify the means. This movie sort of sucks. I’m sorry. But I’m also...not.
A scenario: Imagine going to Chipotle and paying $7.50 for a burrito. It’s good(ish), comforting, filling, and overall, what you expected. Just what a burrito should be. Not mind-blowing but fine. Now, let’s imagine that you’re going to Chipotle but when you arrive the line is out the door. You weren’t expecting that but here you are, and you’re hungry. So you decide to stick around and wait longer than usual because you’re in the mood for a burrito. You’re waiting and waiting, trying to be a good sport but growing increasingly frustrated. You’re in line and you can’t leave because you’ve already invested too much time to pull the plug now (you’ve already waited this long, might as well see it through). Then, finally, your burrito is being made and it’s your turn to pay but the credit card machine is down and you don’t have cash so you have to run to an ATM and come back so that you can pay for this burrito that at this point better be fucking gold. So you run across the street, get some cash but by the time you get back your burrito’s cold and soggy. It’s the same $7.50 burrito but now it’s tainted with all the effort and time you wasted. This is my experience with ‘The Irishman’ - a soggy, sad burrito.
Now, I should say that I struggled to get through this film for several reasons, not for nothing, the movie is 90 minutes longer than it has any business being. Although that’s a glaring issue it ain’t the only one. I won’t even give a synopsis because, again, I’ve wasted entirely too much time on this film and I want to put it past me, so naturally, I’m writing about it now...
Right out of the gate it should be noted that the title refers to an Irishman but (for whatever reason) the title character is played by Robert De Niro who, as we can all agree, is the most Italian looking man of all time. He sounds Italian (which is explained conveniently by his learning Italian during the war). He dresses like an Italian mobster, be it due to his environment (or the fact that Martin Scorsese is not interested in things besides the Italian mafia). And carries himself like Robert De Niro - the quintessential Italian dude of the century. It’s as if Robert De Niro had no idea that ethnic identity played any part in the film (which is a note that also goes for the director). I don’t think being Irish made some huge impact on the story. I believe it’s mentioned maybe three or four times in the whole movie. It could’ve very easily been left out. So why the stupid title? People are not so familiar with the true story of hit man, Frank Sheeran. It was as distracting as the silly blue contacts that De Niro wears. And just as unnecessary. And now, I’m being petty.
No, Robert DeNiro does not look Irish. The makeup/special effects team are not wizards. These are old men and all of the back and forth through time makes for a clumsy timeline with aged actors. They look old with CGI when they’re supposed to be young and they look old when they’re supposed to be middle-aged. And I imagine it has something to do with them being old. But look, I’m no scientist. I’m a blogger, ripping apart a movie that will most certainly be nominated for many Oscars. I literally could not be less important to the trajectory of this film. But let the record state, this movie is dumb.
If I had to summarize the overarching issue I take with ‘The Irishman’ I would say, in general, I have a hard time with meandering stories of unremarkable, shitty white men. With the exception of Jimmy Hoffa, these men achieve very little and express no unique thoughts or spiritual journeys. They kill people and swindle and bribe and get out of trouble (and sometimes go to jail or end up murdered) but isn’t that part of the gig? Scorsese has delivered (maybe) his final mob movie and I didn’t love it. I kind of hate it. The whole movie feels like an expensive inside joke that I was struggling to care about. A movie for the cool kids in school who are now 80 years old. Somebody help me. Do you all really care about the Italian mob’s influence on the labor movement this much? I doubt it. You like guns and murder and stylish cinematography and killer jazz tunes. Yes, the film looks cool. It sounds cool. It has all the ingredients. Or does it? I don’t know. This movie vexed me and I just want my time back.
I will sign off with this, there is one, solitary light at the end of the tunnel: Joe motherfucking Pesci. JP acts his tiny, wrinkled ass off and he can still get it. His Russ is a nuanced jigsaw puzzle of a man who is terrifying and beloved and yet doomed like the rest of them. Also, I just looked up Joe Pesci’s ex-wife and she’s a certified babe. Something tells me Pesci is stupid good with women and this role sort of taps into his natural charisma. No, he has no sweeping monologues. In fact, his strength lies in the opposite. He gets away with so much with so little. And chicks dig that. I found myself rooting for him perhaps because his performance showed the closest thing resembling an emotional arc. Isn’t that what good storytelling is about? We’ve all sat through a terrible story with no plot, no jokes, no interesting characters. And what do you do then? You roll your eyes and run out of the room. Right?? Needless to say, Pesci was a standout in an otherwise insufferable field of mediocrity.
But, again, what is this in the field of applause this film is receiving? Nada. Zip. Zero. But if you’re looking for a movie that might reveal some inner world, or new shade to organized crime - this ain’t it. Save your 210 minutes and fly a kite, or take a sailing lesson, paint your house, swim the English Channel. It comes out to about the same length of time.
#the irishman#martin scorsese#robert de niro#al pacino#jimmy hoffa#mafia#mob mov#joe pesci#my cousin vinny#bobby cannavale#frank sheeran#hitman
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If you could change anything about the Animorphs series (structurally, not really narrative-based), what would it be? Book rotation, writing styles, removal (or inclusion?) of filler books, things like that.
I’d probably start by hiring younger and better-representative actors, better writers and directors, better editors, better camera crews, more in-character costuming, more convincing CGI, overall less slapstick… Okay, just about everything about the TV series should be started over from scratch, preferably with a humungous budget like Game of Thrones or Westworld has.
A few specific ways I’d change AniTV, if I was given creative license and a theoretically-infinite budget but late-1990s special effects:
Have Tobias regain the ability to morph way sooner. Once it finally happens a good 20 episodes in, the writers have an excuse to just have Tobias be “morphed human” like 99% of the time onscreen, the same way that Ax and Visser Three are. I’m totally fine with the decision to use Christopher Ralph more and That Fucking Hawk less, because Christopher Ralph can actually act and doesn’t look at the camera as it moves. What I really don’t understand is why it took 20-odd episodes to get to that point, when the writers could’ve kept the nothlitization plot and also kept a human actor (who also presumably was cheaper to feed and house than That Fucking Hawk) for most of Tobias’s appearances.
Include more scenes (and episodes) with all six kids. There were apparently budgeting constraints and timing issues that prevented some of the kids from appearing in some of the episodes… but a good 80% of the show is just Jake, Marco, and Ax or just Cassie, Rachel, and Jake. We rarely get full-group scenes, I don’t know if we ever get full-group missions, we lose track of Tobias for weeks on end (see point 1) and we sadly don’t ever get to see the full-group dynamic outside of a couple stray Barn Conversations in the second episode and The One With the Oatmeal.
#&@^%*# develop Rachel’s character better. I get that it’s hard to show Rachel kicking butt if all they have is the same 30 seconds of lion stock footage to play over and over again while the guy playing Chapman does a heroic job of pretending to react, but there are other ways to bring out Rachel’s Xena-ness outside of the battles. AniTV Rachel does get some development that canon-Animorphs Rachel does not — I love that moment with her giving that pendant to Sarah, for instance — but we really lose her role as the kickass action hero and instead get her mostly reverting to gender stereotypes.
Lean into the creepiness of the controllers (and ditch the flashlights). Opinionated Animorphs Episode Guide argues, and I couldn’t agree more, that the single biggest problem with the TV series is that the yeerks just… don’t feel like much of a threat. They spend most of the battle sequences running away from repetitive stock footage of lions, failing to notice housecats standing six inches away from them, or waving flashlights dracon beams around while never actually shooting at anyone. For all that they’re not intimidating, the controllers are sinister: the creepiness factor is UP TO ELEVEN in scenes like Melissa talking to her dad over dinner, Visser Three stopping by to check on Jake’s parents in the middle of a banquet, and all the Sharing sales pitches. Even just Tom and Melissa skulking in the mall together while Jake third-wheels manages to come off as genuinely disturbing because of the uncanny valley way that the actors badly imitate human behavior. I’m not sure how to make an action show if there are no big open battles, just that the yeerks would feel a lot scarier and the battles a lot more urgent if we had a little less action and a little more Sharing recruitment.
Expand the role of the escaped yeerk hosts. That little cell of hactivist ex-hosts that Tobias bumps into in the series finale has SO MUCH POTENTIAL (they’re the inspiration for Matter Over Mind in my own fics) and yet we only ever see them decipher Elfangor’s MacGuffin Disk of Shitty Parenting and then promptly get recaptured by the yeerks. What are they doing? How are they coping with newfound freedom? Do they still lie to their families about what happened, or have they tried to tell the truth? What insider information on the Yeerk Empire could they use to help the Animorphs? How do they find new members? What are their views on the war as a whole? I could write an entire novel… Oh wait, I already did.
Just make the kids sixteen or seventeen. Actors that are over eighteen have an easier time working full-time while not having to worry about child labor laws or academic schedules or whatnot. I get that. I don’t know that it would be possible to cast actual 13-year-olds in the roles, and — given the way child actors are treated — I don’t even know that it would be ethical. However, there’s no need to insist that the Animorphs are freshmen in high school while also having actors in their mid-twenties play the roles. Just let them be young adults.
Have Ax and Visser Three be mostly occluded most of the time. Assuming there’s no making a realistic-looking andalite on a TV show budget, especially not in the late 90s, I think it’s not the worst idea in the world that Elfangor’s entire appearance consists of backlit silhouettes and extreme close-ups. Any time the camera draws back enough to show more than an arm or face for Ax, I tend to squeak in horror or amusement, and I assume most people are in the same boat. Just let the andalites’ presence be implied off-screen, something we get hinted at but never fully explored.
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Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2018
Congratulations dear reader. You survived 2018. And you know what that means. It’s time for another best of/worst of list. Welcome to Quill’s Swill 2018. A giant septic tank for the various shit the entertainment industry produced over the course of the year. The films, games, TV shows and various other media that got on my bad side. As always please bear in mind that this is only my subjective opinion (if you happen to like any of the things on this list, good for you. I’m glad someone did) and that obviously I haven’t seen everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, sorry that Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald isn’t on here. I’m sure it is as terrible as some have been suggesting. I just never got around to watching it.
Okay everyone. Grab your breathing masks and put on your rubber gloves. Let’s dive into this shit pile.
Hold The Sunset
The news that John Cleese would be returning to the world of BBC sitcoms was incredibly exciting, being a massive Fawlty Towers fan and all. Unfortunately Hold The Sunset was not quite what I had in mind. It’s one of those rare breed of situation comedies that chooses to offer no actual comedy. It’s not a sitcom. It’s a sit. Like Scrubs or The Big Bang Theory.
An elderly couple plan to elope abroad only for Alison Steadman’s son to barge in, having left his wife, and forcing them to put their plans on hold. Hence the title ‘Hold The Sunset.’ It’s like a cross between As Time Goes By and Sorry, but if all the humour and relatability were surgically removed by a deadpan mortician. The characters are weak, the plots are thin on the ground and the humour (hat little of it there is) feel incredibly dated. The middle aged mummy’s boy is something that hasn’t been funny since the 90s. It’s an utter waste of great talent and what hurts even more is that this tripe is actually getting a second series. I can only assume the people watching this are comatose. Either that or there’s an epidemic of people in Britain who have lost the remote.
Avengers: Infinity War
Yes this is one of the worst movies of 2018 and no I don’t regret saying that one little bit. Avengers: Infinity War was fucking terrible. Period. There were too many plots and characters going on, which made the film hard to follow (and what staggers me is that the so called ‘professional’ critics have condemned movies for having too many characters and plots before. Spider-Man 3, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Batman vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice and even Deadpool 2. But because this is an MCU movie, it gets a free pass. Fuck off). The characterisation was weak due to sheer number of characters they try to juggle, resulting in characters coming off as one dimensional caricatures of themselves and scenes where characters such as Iron Man, Doctor Strange and Star-Lord sound completely interchangeable. The villain, Thanos, is a stupidly and poorly written villain, but that’s hardly surprising considering what a shit job Marvel have done building him up over the course of these 20+ movies. And let’s not forget that pisstake ending. A bunch of prominent Marvel characters die and it’s all very, very sad... except all these characters just so happen to have sequels planned, which makes this ending fucking pointless and have less impact than a feather on a bouncy castle.
I don’t know which is more shocking. That Marvel and Disney think their audience are that stupid and gullible, or that their audience are actually validating their view. Fuck you Disney.
Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery
I’ve always wanted a Harry Potter RPG, where you could customise your character, choose your house and actually live a full school life at Hogwarts. This year, Warner Bros and Jam City gave us just that.
That was a mistake.
Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is the epitome of everything that’s wrong with the mobile gaming market right now. The gameplay is boring and involving where you just tap images on a screen until a progress bar fills up. Wizard duels are little more than rock-paper-scissors challenges that require no kind of skill. Bonding with friends and caring for magical creatures just consist of pathetically simple pop quizzes and yet more boring tapping. Oh and of course you only get a certain amount of energy to complete these tedious tasks. If you run out of energy, you wait for it to fill up... or pay up for the privilege. So determined are they to extract your hard earned cash from your wallet, there’s actually a bit where Devil’s Snare strangles your eleven year old avatar and the game effectively tries to guilt trip you into paying micro-transactions to save them. It’s sleazy, gross and manipulative. Honestly, you’re better off just playing Candy Crush.
Agony
When the developers of this game said they wanted to give the player a trip through Hell, they had no idea how true that statement really was. Agony is dreadful on a number of levels. The design for Hell itself, while visually interesting at times, is often not very practical and gets quite dull and repetitive after a while. The stealth mechanics are a joke and the AI of your demonic enemies are pitiful. All of this alone would have been enough to put this game on the list, but then we also have the casual misogyny. Agony is a gorefest trying desperately to shock the player. We see men and woman get tortured, but it’s the women that often get the extreme end. The violence inflicted on them is often sexual in nature and the game seems to go out of its way to degrade and dehumanise women at every turn. The orgasmic cries of ‘pull it out’ quickly become a staple of the game’s experience as we see naked women raped, tortured and murdered, all for the purposes of ‘entertainment.’
I would call Agony sexist, but honestly that would be giving it too much credit. Agony is like a little child trying desperately to be all dark and edgy in a pathetic attempt to impress everyone around him, and we should treat it as such. Go to your room Agony. No ice cream for you.
Peter Rabbit
If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Beatrix Potter rotating in her grave.
Yes we have yet another live action/CGI hybrid, but instead of something innocuous like the Smurfs or Alvin and the Chipmunks, Sony instead decides to adapt Peter Rabbit, with James Corden in the title role.
It’s about as bad as you’d expect.
Their attempts to modernise the story are painful to say the least with pop culture references, inappropriate adult humour and twerking rabbits. Plus rather than the gentle, but slightly mischievous character we got in the source material, here Peter is a sociopathic delinquent who seems to revel in making the farmer’s life a living hell. He’s unlikable and unwatchable as far as I’m concerned and the film doesn’t in anyway earn the emotional moments it tries so desperately to sell to the audience. And the worst part is it’s getting a sequel.
Wait. Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Beatrix Potter tearing out of the ground, ready to kill whatever idiot came up with this shit.
Fallout 76
I was excited for Fallout 76. A MMORPG where players band together to rebuild society after a nuclear apocalypse. Could have been great. Pity it wasn’t.
Fallout 76 is a dreadful game. Not only is it a buggy, glitchy mess that requires a constant online connection to play, which could result in you losing hours of progress if your WiFi went down, it’s also unbelievably tedious, and that’s because there’s nothing to do in the game. There’s no other characters to interact with, the various robots and computers you come across are really little more than quest givers, there’s no actual plot so to speak, and because of the sheer size of the world and the number of players allowed on a server, the chances of you actually meeting any actual players is remote. And let’s not forget all the behind the scenes drama. Bethesda falsely advertising Fallout themed canvas bags and players getting shitty nylon ones. Bethesda accidentally releasing the account information of various players trying to get a refund for said bag. Bethesda failing to program the year 2019 into the game code, meaning that the game’s nukes don’t work.
Maybe there’s a chance that Bethesda could pull a No Man’s Sky and fix everything over the coming years with various patches and DLCs, but the damage has already been done. It’s incredibly disappointing. The Elder Scrolls 6 is going to have be fucking incredible to win everyone back.
Mama Mia!: Here We Go Again
I can’t stand jukebox musicals anyway, but Mamma Mia was always one of the worst. Its boring, meandering story with its one note, obnoxious cast of characters screeching out ABBA songs like they’re at some drunken karaoke session at some poor sod’s hen party has always grated on my nerves. So imagine my delight when they announced we were getting a sequel. Ever wondered how Meryl Streep met her three lovers and founded her hotel? No? Well tough shit, we’re going to tell you anyway.
Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again is basically just Mamma Mia again. The actors still can’t sing, the characters are still annoying and story is still boring and meandering, completely at the mercy of the chosen songs rather than the filmmakers using the songs to compliment the story (you know? Like proper musicals do?).
How can I resist you? Very easily as it turns out. Gimme, gimme, gimme a fucking gun so I can end my misery.
The Cloverfield Paradox
A lot of people were unhappy about the direction Cloverfield was going. They wanted a continuation of the found footage, kaiju movie from 2008, not an anthology series. I was personally all in favour. Partially because I thought the first Cloverfield was a tad overrated, but mostly because I thought it would be a great opportunity for more experimental film projects and could be a great launchpad for new writers and filmmakers. 10 Cloverfield Lane was a great start. Then The Cloverfield Paradox happened.
The Cloverfield Paradox is basically JJ Abrams trying to have his cake and eat it too. Maintaining the anthology format whilst connecting everything together in a ‘shared universe’ (yes, yet another shared universe). The result was a cliched, poorly edited and idiotic mess of a film that actually took away from the previous two films rather than added to them. Everyone hated it and, as a result, 2018′s Overlord, which was totes going to be part of the Cloververse, was made its own standalone film and Abrams double pinky promised to make a true sequel to the original Cloverfield. A complete and total disaster. No wonder it was a straight-to-Netflix film.
The Handmaid’s Tale - Season 2
This is probably going to be the most controversial entry on the list, but please hear me out because I’m not the only one who has a problem with this season.
I was reluctant to watch The Handmaid’s Tale simply because of how gruesome the original book was, but I forced myself to watch the first season and I thought it was pretty good. It remained faithful to the source material for the most part and included some nice additions that helped to expand the story and mythos. If it was just a one off mini-series, everything would have been fine. But then they made the same mistake as The Man In The High Castle and Under The Dome did where they commissioned another season and attempted to tell a story that goes beyond the book.
There’s a reason why the original story ended where it did. The Handmaid’s Tale isn’t meant to be an empowering story about women sticking it to the patriarchy. It’s a cautionary tale about how fragile our civil rights truly are and how easily they can be taken away from us. It’s designed to shock, not to satisfy. So seeing a handmaid blow herself up in a suicide bombing feels very incongruous and just a little bit silly. It would be like doing a TV adaptation of George Orwell’s 1984 where the first season followed the source material and then the second season turned Winston Smith into this heroic freedom fighter trying to overthrow Big Brother. It would represent a fundamental misunderstanding of what the book was about in the first place.
And then of course there’s the increased level of violence in Season 2, which many have complained about. In Season 1 and the original source material, the violence was justified. In Season 2, the motivation behind the violence has gone from ‘how can we effectively demonstrate how easily a fascist patriarchy can happen in the West?’ to ‘what brutal act can we inflict upon Ofglen to shock the audience this week?’ It’s purely for shock and nothing more. And with the showrunner (who I feel I should mention is a man) announcing that he has planned ten seasons of this, it seems that The Handmaid’s Tale is going to go even further with this depravity until it effectively becomes the equivalent of a Saw film.
The Handmaid’s Tale exists as a way of shining light on and critiquing misogyny in its most extreme form. Season 2 however demonstrates that there is a serious risk of it becoming the very thing it’s criticising in the first place.
The Predator
I love the Predator franchise, but The Predator is the worst.
People thought that this would be good because director Shane Black had actually starred in the first Predator movie back in 1987. Instead we got this bloated, confusing, obnoxious and insulting mess of a film that seems to go out of its way to ruin everything that makes Predator so good. There’s no tension. No suspense. No intrigue. Just a bunch of gore, explosions and shitty one liners from annoying and lifeless characters. They essentially took this big alien game hunter from outer space and turned him into a generic monster from a bad summer blockbuster. It no longer hunts for sport. It wants to take over the world and splice our DNA with theirs. But don’t worry, a rogue Predator doesn’t want to kill humans (even though he himself kills a bunch of humans), so he gives us a Predator Iron Man suit to set up a sequel that will probably never happen because this movie was a box office bomb and it fucking SUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEEDDDD!!!
This film also has a very nasty streak towards those with disabilities. There’s a lot of jokes at the expense of a character with Tourette’s and it has an extremely ignorant and patronising view of autism, portraying the main character’s kid as being a super genius who can decipher the Predator language and even going so far as to say that he represents ‘the next stage of human evolution.’ Presumably the Predators want social communication difficulties because apparently it helps them hunt somehow.
What with Disney acquiring 20th Century Fox, the future of both the Alien and Predator franchises were very much in question. This film needed to be a success in order to make a case for Disney to keep making more of them. It wasn’t. Congratulations Shane Black. You might have just killed off this franchise for good. Thanks arsehole! :D
So those were my least favourite stories from 2018. Join me on Wednesday where we shall discuss something more positive. Yes, it’s awards season. Who shall win the coveted Quill Seal Of Approval? Watch this space...
Or don’t. It’s up to you. I don’t want to force you or anything. It’s a free country.
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just seen justice league (this isnt spoiler free at all)
also went to thor: ragnarok for the third time to wash the taste out.
so i went to go see it for miller, momoa, and mera in that order. i was super impressed with mera. i thought they were gonna go the like easy way and give her an Accent like the amazons, but they didnt. even though her cadence was different like idk man i know very little about dc but i picked up a one-shot earlier this year where mera neatly beats the fuck out of the justice league on her own and she’s a semi-jerk who kind of hates surface dwellers and you know what for the thirty seconds we had her onscreen i believed it and she was powerful and felt like a character with backstory and i COMPLETELY didnt hear what aquaman was saying i just heard her side of the conversation
man ben affleck really doesnt wanna be here huh anyway we should recast him at the earliest convenience
also why was batman 90% CGI like fine i get it no one can be a gymnast in a 50 lb rubber suit but like every single one of his moves that required any bending had to have been cgi
speaking of which the cgi isnt like bad in and of itself it’s just typical like it’s the cgi youre used to seeing. it doesnt blend seamlessly into anything and the characters dont blend seamlessly into it. the cornfield looks fake as can fucking be and i dont really know why? what else there was another fucking weird cgi moment. anyway, steppenwolf is ugly as sin and has no emotion and is all one color and is??? generally weird looking
speaking of which. he is not frightening at all. the New Gods isnt something casual dc fans are gonna be familiar with (i am barely familiar with it) and like? apparently, darkseid was supposed to have scenes in this but didnt? anyway go see thor ragnarok which features 1) a horned villain that is legitimately terrifying and powerful, that you fully believe can do the things she does, and who is beautifully designed and 2) features glow-y eyed masses of disposable soldiers that are cool but goofy and dont take themselves too seriously but were still frightening and made for thrilling fights because you believed they could actually pose a threat to the characters they were attacking
the beginning... uh i think like three scenes of the film looked pretty good, but they looked like cutscenes. very GOOD cutscenes, but honestly... if i wanted it to look like this id have played... a video game. like, i want it to look like a real place even if it’s heavily stylized. uh but the first showdown where batman is luring a parademon out looks beautiful if fake as shit. the scene with wondy in the bank (which features a group of girls from an all-girls school... at a bank?) and terrorists wearing cheap pinstripe suits (like, this is fine! it’s nonsensical and stupid but fine it’s a comic book movie) was kind of cool because for once i felt like... maybe diana was a creative person who goes in wit ha strategy? like picking the dude up with the lasso and holding him up was fun i was like oh!!! thats not something a typical movie would do! it was the first time she felt like Wonder Woman to me (ive seen the wondy movie itself, it was... eh). uh and idk what was up with the standing on the scales of justice or whatever idk the hilarity of gal gadot on that statue which sits on top of a bank like. it was funny.
hey question what the uh... fuck was the “what are you” “a believer” line about it made zero sense in context at all
dont quote me on the order of scenes i dont remember fuck all of this movie in order because literally, the pacing was so weird. so... it was very obvious there were parts missing from the movie. not like, cuts made where you could be like oh there was something there or maybe there'll be a deleted scene no like you Knew there was stuff that was necessary that was gone. the football scenes with victor from the trailers were gone!!! i think the movie was trying to set up a really strong friendship with wonder woman and cyborg but it never really went anywhere? and i suspect because it all got cut! and i dont understand why because ray did a really good job and he sold cyborg to me so well i loved his take!
also... i dont know if theyre saving it for the aquaman movie next year but did Arthur get a bunch of his stuff cut too? because i like jason momoa, and i like his arthur and so im sort of torn because, like, he didnt have much to do. like, he has the bit where he sits on wonder woman’s lasso of thruth and tells them all this stuff but you dont know enough about him for any of it to land? but i really wanted to know more (at some point i did give up on, this was a very passive viewing experience). my friend was saying that like literally why did they try to make arthur so Cool he’s already jason momoa he is by default cool now you can do whatever you want with him we’re all going to love him.
speaking of the lasso scene... was the entire last half of the movie re-writen and re-shot by whedon because like? the lasso scene is a whedon. the bit at the end where wondy goes “children. i work with children” is a whedon (THERE’S NO REASON FOR HER TO SAY THIS? I THINK THIS WHEN SHE HAS TWO TEAM MEMBERS LIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND AFTER NEARLY BEING BLON UP? IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD). i genuinely cant tell if all of barry’s dialogue was written by whedon or if that was ezra improvising but uh... man he’s... he needs to practice if that’s hm. if it’s just whedon i mean fine but he also doesnt have the shitty RDJ quality thats let’s him say those lines with believability.
speaking of which, going to see barry was my priority because apparently im gay for miller rn so like. uh. man he wasnt funny like there were a couple parts where he was cute and the line landed and it was fine but generally he just... wasnt funny? because the movie wasnt funny? like... idk man ezra really acting his heart out and ive said like cool i wanna follow his career and see if he does good stuff and gets even better at his stupid art but maybe he peaked with credence barebone i dont know. the first scene where we meet barry, with the flash pad and the pizza, that was good, that was funny. the bit at the prison was good. he has very soft eyes and thats nice. the panic attack is cute in the clip and the beginning like rhrgrh moment he has is good but then idk the pacing falls apart again
why is his character like this? i just dont think ezra’s... funny enough yet. (tbh i think he takes it too seriously even if he’s trying to be light-hearted man sometimes jokes is just jokes). there’s a bit where theyre digging up superman’s body and it’s JUST HIM AND CYBORG FOR UH? SOME REASON? maybe they explained why they sent the two babies but i didnt hear it and it’s literally just them two. and he tries to fistbump victor but vic is like “no” and tbh barry is annoying? like maybe u think he’s cute and an audience member but he’s uh... you can tell he’s annoying in the story and anyway then the flash says “right, racially charged” ABOUT A FISTBUMP? WHICH? LITERALLY MADE NO SENSE? WAS THIS LINE IMPROVISED? WAS IT WRITTEN? IM GONNA PUT MONEY ON IMPROVISED BECAUSE HE IS EXACTLY THAT KIND OF STUPID BITCH
if they were breaking into the lab why even bother going through the front door? barry drives the thing in (theyre trying to smuggle superman’s body into star labs) disguised a soldier (the literally most unconvincing thing, not to me as an audience member, because it was cute and funny to me,, but that a guy with THAT FACE is military like yeah sure, why did that guard believe him) but then they get to like the normal ass parking inside and the other three are standing there in full costume in full grey DC-brand daylight? are you telling me between 5/6ths of the justice league they couldnt sneak in a fucking pine box when wonder woman can lift a fucking tank on her own? like.
speaking of which uh.... superman is stupidly overpowered. like i said i read an issue of JL where mera hands every one of the justice league members their own gently roasted ass in hand on her fucking own. diana regularly kicks superman in the head. why was she not able to take him down? when theyre fighting steppenwolf for real it’s not until superman shows up that they even have a real fighting chance. they dont fight as team, they dont even fight as people casually unified in a common cause. theyre playing high-stakes legos and cyborg gets pulled away from them like three times?? and it gets fucking annoying? and then supes shows up and literally wipes the floor with him. it is so completely bizarre and stupid.
here’s a problem i still have with wonder woman: why is she so thin? the other amazons (except Hippolyta and maybe one other one) look built as FUCK? LIKE THESE WOMEN COULD EASILY TOSS ME ACROSS THE ROOM. wonder woman has serious fucking arms, where are they
also those amazon bikinis were bad. the whole styling of this movie is bad, but especially the amazons. everything is red and gold, for some reasons? the outfits dont looks heavy like armor, they look heavy like bullshit material. there is no reason for the fucking bikinis. the gold cloak hippolyta wears is??? heavy and looks like? like drapes like window dressing like thats the weight of it. additionally, there is no reason for their hair to be SO STYLED. it’s really like prom night hair it’s like shiny and muss free and always loose and in perfect clearly salon-styled curls. also, why are they so heavily made up? it’s really prominent. wondy herself has the same issue going on, she looks much more heavily made up (why is everyone’s blush so PINK, like it's distracting, is this a side effect of the recoloring process) and her hair isnt loose and doing its thing like in BVS or Wonder Woman it’s like... idk she looks really. Pretty when she’s on the field and it makes no sense.
the amazon fighting style is still ugly and makes no sense ive never seen such a wasteful fighting style it made sense exactly once during Wonder Woman
why is themyscira entirely the ugliest cgi i have ever fucking scene
why does the camera INSIST ON MOVING LIKE THAT. the action is super hard to track, the cgi is ugly as fuck (it really cannot be overstated)... i made it to about... i want to say when theyre on the way to the big fight and then the combined everything gave me a heaache that o had for the rest of the movie
i mentioned earlier that the pacing is weird the transitions are also weird. you get cuts to and from places that never fade into each other, it’s always a hard jump cut but it’s never the right cut to make? like, in thor ragnarok for example, there are a bunch of scene changes that happen via the bifrost, via people going through doors. there are wide shots that jump to wide shots in other places, so youre not suddenly on a close-up. there are a lot of people emerging from something into view, and there are a lof of people being alone in the center of the frame. it’s a very smooth and easy to watch movie. JL is the opposite of this in every way. I SUSPECT. AGAIN. THAT WHILE THIS WOULDNT HAVE BEEN FIXED ENTIRELY. THAT THOSE EXTRA TWENTY MINUTES THAT WERE CUT WERE PROBABLY REALLY IMPORTANT
the lois lane bit where she calms supes down just reminded me of the age of ultron and i quoted “sun’s going down” at my friends who were with me and they shit themselves laughing
ma kent calls lois lane “thirsty” in a Hilarious Teen Humor Gag thanks joss whedon you fucking hack
bruce wayne is fucking useless he could have got barry ANY JOB EVER and like... my god whatever.
also i still dont understand how how voice sounds like that when he’s batmanuh the after after credits scene is setting up, according to my friend, a sinister six movie. deathstroke isnt played by manu bennett so it’s fucking usless thanks for coming to my ted talk
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Here's what you need to know about those CGI influencers invading your feed
Human influencers like Bella Hadid and Kendall Jenner might want to secure their positions in the influencer realm before they get ousted by glorified Sims.
That's right: There are now computer generated images that do exactly what human influencers do. There's a human behind each one — coming up with captions and manually generating the content — though it can be unclear who exactly that person is. The financial threads are equally hazy, but you can be sure that someone is making money off of these "people."
According to CBS, the digital influencer market is set to reach $2 billion in the next two years. The scariest thing is just how convincing these artificial influencers really are: 42 percent of people who were following a digital Instagrammer didn't realize it wasn't a real person, according to a recent study by the media company Fullscreen.
SEE ALSO: 'Alita: Battle Angel' is relevant for cyborgs and humans alike
I set out to understand who exactly these new influencers are, and why they exist. That involved interacting with them — or at least trying to. The feeling of being left on read by people who don't exist is a unique one. It also made me feel like they're hiding something. But here's what we know ... so far.
Rest assured, they'll either save us from the digital malaise we’ve all scrolled ourselves into, or destroy us further.
Lil Miquela, 1.5 million followers
Lil Miquela, or Miquela Sousa, is a perpetually 19-year-old girl from Downey, California. She has all the necessary ingredients for Insta-success: good looks, flashy clothing, a nonexistent yet bottomless bank account, and a passion for activism. It's easy to forget you're looking at a bot when reading her captions, which are sprinkled with witty remarks and relatable musings. "No lie, I wish I’d been assembled in the ’90s ..." she quips, echoing the very human desire to be from another time. It's part of what makes her so popular — and so uncanny.
View this post on Instagram
So am I just going to have crushes on everyone this year? That’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Cool, cool.
A post shared by *~ MIQUELA ~* (@lilmiquela) on Jan 4, 2019 at 5:08pm PST
The algorithmic babe was named one of the 25 most influential people on the internet by Time last year, alongside Busy Philips and Logan Paul. (She was the only non-human to make the cut.) It's safe to say the integration of bot personalities into the mainstream has begun.
In addition to being an influencer, she’s also a singer and merch seller. Miquela has around 52,000 monthly listeners on Spotify. Not bad for someone who doesn’t exist in the physical realm.
And the merch? Socks from Club 404, Lil Miquela's overpriced swag brand, will run you $30 for two pairs.
But wait a second, why CGI influencers?
Before we introduce more of these new age avatars, it's important to understand how they came to be. Cue Brud. And Cain Intelligence.
Brud is the LA-based tech startup credited with Miquela's existence. It's described as a "transmedia studio that creates digital character driven story worlds," whatever that means. Other than that, it's pretty much a mystery. We do know that it was founded by two people: Sara DeCou and Trevor McFedries, neither of whom could be reached for comment.
Cain Intelligence is even more of a mystery. Founded by Daniel Cain, who may or may not be real, the company is another startup. It describes itself as "the industry leader in Conscious Language Intelligence (CLI), a type of Artificial Intelligence that allows for humans to engage with our specialized robots in free-format, natural language." The website feels bleak and dark, something a villain in a spy movie would create. (It's also pro-Trump.)
If you're reading this and you're confused, that's sort of the point. Lil Miquela and Blawko, another CGI influencer, are characters created by Brud. Bermuda, also a CGI influencer, was made by Cain Intelligence. Allegedly. But wait: Bermuda now has Brud's Instagram page tagged in her own bio, followed by the message "Look closer"; likewise, Brud's bio identifies Bermuda as a client. Seems like Cain was a marketing hoax to launch Bermuda and her right-wing agenda? As a scheme to get attention for the entire CGI universe Brud has created, it seems to have worked.
The only person I was able to get in contact with about these three CGI influencers was Jemma Litchfield from Huxley, the creative agency that represents Miquela, Bermuda, and Blawko. In an email, she said she "looked after Miquela." She said they weren't doing interviews, but she'd fact check for me, if I'd like. She didn't offer any clarification about Brud or Cain Intelligence, but instead shifted some sentences around and corrected my first-draft grammar.
Perhaps the enigmatic nature of Brud and Cain is the reason their influential prototypes have become so successful and so followed. Curiosity today usually leads to a Google search. But when there's no information available beyond what you already know, it can prompt a fascination. Or frustration.
Anyway, meet Miquela's digital squad: Bermuda and Blawko.
Bermuda, 133k followers
Bermuda is a controversial blonde known for stirring the digital pot. She's pro-Trump and describes herself as a "robot supremacist." She also once hacked Miquela's page, which gained followers for both of them, pushing Miquela past the 1 million mark, a milestone that opens up a lot of doors in influencer world, including lucrative brand deals with prominent designers.
Now Bermuda and Miquela are friends who hang out, go to lunch, and put makeup on each other— digitally.
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💚💚💚 Decided to give Twitter another try. I’m BermudaIsBae there, too. 💚💚💚 In a great mood today and I hope you all are, too. Mwah!
A post shared by Bermuda (@bermudaisbae) on Nov 12, 2018 at 5:27pm PST
Blawko, 135k followers
Miquela and Bermuda are joined by another Brud-born character, Blawko, whom they both seem smitten with. Just like Miquela and Bermuda, he offers an eerily authentic personality. He plays video games, goes on dates, and doesn't clean his room. As for the bizarre love triangle between him, Miquela, and Bermuda ... Are we supposed to imagine them in compromising positions? Is this a clear representation of CGI flirtation by default? We're not really sure!
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heaux heaux heaux
A post shared by 🅱️LAWKO (@blawko22) on Dec 20, 2018 at 3:34pm PST
Aside from the Brud crowd, there are other CGI influencers out there in the digital space.
Lil Wavi, 12.1k followers
If you squint, Instagram user @lil_wavi might seem like just another Soundcloud rapper-looking hypebeast, dressed in the latest streetwear and spattered with tattoos. Upon further inspection, you'll see he's a digitally-rendered avatar in human clothing. His graphics give off an edgy early-2000s Sims vibe. Since he "lives in a computer," he can get his hands on expensive pieces of designer clothing that he describes as "the drip" and cites as his main draw. "I’m all about innovation, encouraging creativity, pushing minds to think out of the shitty boundaries," he — or, rather, the unidentified human speaking for him — told Mashable over email. "I want my fans to be influenced in that way. It’s important to me that I am sending positive vibes out to them all."
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Flameboyyyy 🛸🏴☠️ yuhhh my $$ fly 💸💸💸 y’all ready for merch?
A post shared by 🛸LIL WAVI🛸 (@lil_wavi) on Jan 28, 2019 at 10:05am PST
Noonoouri, 279k followers
Brand deals and fashion show appearances abound for this influencer. It's unclear how a digital avatar can attend IRL events, but a quick scroll of her page will show her doing just that. Noonoouri takes her role as influencer very seriously. When Vogue Australia asked about her favorite beauty products, she answered, "I love KKW Beauty contour and highlight — they truly work!" Since she's done ads — on YouTube and on Instagram — for KKW Beauty before, it's no surprise that she would plug the products. What's surprising is that a digital persona who looks straight out of a Pixar short is using makeup and getting paid for it.
Joerg Zuber, Noonoouri's creator, spent several years making her before debuting the influencer on Instagram. A visit to her page suggests she was recently in Africa for a number of fashion-related appearances. And she's from Paris, France, according to her Instagram bio. "I am who I am. If I can help or support others I am very happy. I believe in swarm intelligence. In times like these we need to share and not to hold back," she told Mashable via email.
"I have a real soul," says Noonoouri.
Image: Joerg zuber
Shudu, 172k followers
Self-identified as "The World's First Digital Supermodel," Shudu was created by beauty photographer Cameron James Wilson as an art project. She blew up when her image was featured on Rihanna's Fenty Beauty Instagram page. In the photo, she's modeling one of the buzzy beauty line's lip products and smizing for the ... computer? Though she's more model than influencer, her likeness is used to sell, too. Shudu doesn't have a personality, per se, but it's because Wilson hasn't come across a human that could do her justice — yet: "Only someone similar to Shudu would be appropriate to tell her story, and really shape who she is as ‘person,’" he mused to Mashable via email. He supports the movement to create more digital supermodels like Shudu: "It doesn’t matter who you are, if you study art and learn how to use 3D programs, you too can be a 6ft tall virtual runway model!"
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Shudu @thesavoylondon trying on beautiful #EEBAFTAs outfits, complete with @atelierswarovski earrings. 6 days to go till she shares #redcarpet looks with you all. . @ee @BAFTA . . #3D #3Dart #digitalsupermodel #worldsfirstdigitalsupermodel #virtualinfluencer #BTS
A post shared by Shudu (@shudu.gram) on Feb 4, 2019 at 11:07am PST
Barbie, 6.2 million subscribers
Here's a familiar face. The uber-popular icon that is Barbie has a digital counterpart, and she's a vlogger. Her first video, in which she introduces herself, went up in 2015. In it, she talks about being from Wisconsin (who knew?) and having a sister. "I've always just been curious about things," she shares earnestly, her huge animated eyes blinking like those of a human YouTuber. Since then, she's uploaded over 75 vlogs, most of which include her sister Skipper and boyfriend Ken, to the YouTube channel owned and operated by Mattel. Barbie is the OG influencer — she's known for doing a million different jobs and having fun while doing them. Why reinvent the wheel?
youtube
Balenciaga's digi-models
While you can't follow these influencers, they're worth mentioning. To show off their Spring 2019 collection on Instagram, Spanish fashion house Balenciaga utilized shape-shifting digital models made by artist Yilmaz Sen. In a series of short video clips on Instagram, the digital models sparked questions about the future of technology in fashion. With cool haircuts and names like Elsa and Ruben, everything about them screams high fashion. However, unlike human models that walk down runways, these models stand in place and distort themselves like they're made of rubber. Because all haute couture should be shown on computer-generated contortionist models!
View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Balenciaga (@balenciaga) on Nov 14, 2018 at 1:53am PST
What's next, then?
Tapping around on these digi-fluencer's pages provides an exciting, if not unsettling, look at the future of technology and the part it may play in pop culture. Some question the validity, appeal, and purpose of these bots. Perhaps it's performance art. Or maybe it's all just an elaborate stunt to leverage consumer action? YouTuber Shane Dawson has a popular video dedicated to uncovering the identity of Lil Miquela. He even calls her on the phone — only to be met with a clearly auto-tuned voice who's careful not to give anything away, or falter at all.
Liz Bacelar, a tech expert, mused to Forbes that we could potentially find ourselves living in a world in which we all have a digital avatar. And with facial recognition being insidiously installed in mundane places (like gas stations) in order to advertise, secure, and identify us, this may be sooner than we think. Just imagine, we'll be in self-driving cars, scrolling by digitized avatars trying to make us use their discount codes. Or perhaps we'll allow our digitized selves to live for us, like we've seen in futuristic movies like Ready Player One and Wall-E.
Think of your new CGI friends as the pixelated pioneers of a new, formulated frontier. Who knows? Maybe our human selves could be rendered virtually useless. For now, though, we can just keep an eye on Instagram.
WATCH: Dunkin' and Saucony release running shoe ahead of Boston Marathon
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for “no particular reason” some thoughts on stuff I’ve watched/read lately
spoilers ahead but most of these have been out for a while by now
Beauty and the Beast remake
overall entertaining and well-animated, though I still prefer the original
some of the story tweaks were neat and I especially liked the subplot about the cursed servants becoming less sentient(?) as time went on
others were kinda unnecessary imo, the whole opening scene being a glaring example. also giving the Enchantress a bigger role is neat in theory but kinda definitely raises a few Questions
not fond of the autotuned lead singer which is even more obvious comparing soundtracks
the furniture designs cannot grow on me They Simply Can Not, you can’t get nearly as many lines of action or squash & stretch out of a hyperrealistic CGI teapot
on that note the original’s beast design is still the best design, shout-out to my family for calling the live-action prince a “surfer dude”
at the end of the day idk what to make of the LeFou Discourse(TM) but shout-out to the little bit where Potts was like “you’re too good for him [Gaston]” and all things considered I thought it was a biiit more than what those cynical meme posts suggest. mind I’m not sure what I would’ve thought if I didn’t know about the whole shebang beforehand
it was apparently enough to get the film banned in a few countries, which doesn’t equal Instant Representation Pinnacle obviously but ehhhh that’s another topic for another time
Maleficent is still the best live-action “remake” of the films disney’s been churning out lately imo my onion, but I can’t say any of them have really disappointed me? (unless the first Alice counts; all I remember is that it was weird, which I guess is a given considering the source material but idk live action loses so much charm. definitely haven’t watched the second and have no interest in thereof)
anyway Mulan is one of my favorites so fingers crossed...!
Moana
very predictable but heck if that oscar bait song hasn’t been intermittently stuck in my head since
big earworm shout-outs to “You’re Welcome” and “Shiny” too but this website has ruined the latter sequence to an extent because I’m half convinced someone in production there has a vore fetish
in any case that was way too good a villain song for a one-scene show-stealer wtf the fuck
Moana’s voice & overall expressiveness fuels my soul
also it was GORGEOUS, more than compensates for another ~coming of age~ plot with fantastic colors
I have a lot of questions about the sentience of the ocean
what do you mean the Obligatory Animal Companion was a chicken and not the pig
okay ngl I didn’t quite catch the angry volcano spirit woman also being the green lady? I don’t think...? aw heck it’s been a little while by now but the ending was neat
how fucking old is Maui
Universal Harvester by John Darnielle - if you recognize that name it’s because, as I found out after reading, he’s the guy who leads the band responsible for a song I had on repeat hell for at least a couple months after discovering it via this wonderful, wonderful "lyric.. comic... thing” </ungodly run-on>
if this seems completely out of nowhere it’s because it is. I’ve jacketed and shelved a lot of new books, and while a good handful catch my interest, few compel me to check it out before heading home for the day
off the top of my head the other most recent book this happened with was No One Else Can Have You by Kathleen Hale (heads up for a non-graphic image of hanging on the cover), which was... oh holy shit that was over three years ago I don’t read often enough nowadays x_x
that one started strong but, around if not at the point where the protag was making out with the secondary dude, took a sharp turn towards the cliche & general What Is This Fuckery. but I digress
seriously no image on the internet can do this cover justice, the vaguely vaporwave-lookin part is actually very dark and the whole thing shines like one of those rain puddles mixed with.. gasoline? oil?? whatever makes it rainbow-y at a certain angle
I only skimmed the inside flap description before diving right in the night I took it out, and I realized a good chapter or two in that I’d unintentionally picked up a horror novel.
well. kinda? horror-ish?? despite there being no killer on the loose, no supernatural monster on the prowl, not even an invasion of alien farmers federally paid to invade your small town, basically no imminent looming dagger above the protagonist’s head, it’s VERY unsettling for the most part and I gotta give it major kudos for that
<SPOILER class=“mild”>also huge shout-out to the subtle switch to first-person at a key moment, then scattered throughout from there on.</SPOILER> it was at that point I had to reread the description to see what I’d actually gotten myself into and decided I was gonna read this sucker in one sitting or I wouldn’t be able to sleep
(skip this bullet point if you don’t like vague ending spoilers) despite that it manages to leave off on a somber, even sentimental note. pretty darn satisfying, though upon further thought there are a few big questions left unanswered that probably should’ve been addressed. (/vague end spoilers)
overall I’d recommend it if you’re looking for an interesting little read that might send a few chills from atmosphere alone but also makes you think*. just don’t start reading expecting a chapter or two before bed will do help you fall asleep.
*yeah yeah I know “makes you think” is something of a meme phrase at this point, but screw it I like my media when it actually engages the viewer/reader for more satisfying payoff. I’m not a fan of the “lol intellectualis” thing anyway V: but I digress.
Kubo and the Two Strings
ftr the record I called Beetle being the dad from his debut
my god Laika really likes their bugs and creepy hands (based on this and Coraline at least, I’ve seen ParaNorman but don’t remember much). this is absolutely a compliment.
voice acting didn’t thrill me, with the exceptions of the old lady & spirit sisters, but got dang those facial expressions
magic worldbuilding left a lot to be desired but it took place in fantasy China(/Japan? as with The Last Airbender I think we’re looking at another fictional Asian blend) and I for one am a sucker for that so I can let it slide
climactic fight felt kinda shoehorned, when the moon spirit dude showed up looking like a nice old man I almost thought they were gonna go for a less confrontational ending sequence - which I guess it kinda did but also the obligatory “join me and we can rule forever” stuff came up. I dunno I liked the spirit fish form ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
don’t get me wrong here I did enjoy it, I guess I was just expecting a lot more from all the talk about kids being able to handle mature themes and whatnot? ah well the conflict wasn’t quite Good Versus Evil so that was neat
was the moon spirit just a regular old dude all along though? is the moon going to rise again even with him hanging out among mortals? is he mortal now?? how does the Plot Amnesia work???? can someone tell him who he really was even if it’s not flattering??????
idk for some reason I feel like I’m being harsher here than anything else so far, really did enjoy it though. LOVED the 2d animation in the credits and I absolutely must emphasize how fucking awesome the animation is, being primarily stop-motion and all. they set a very high standard with Coraline and cartwheeled over it with Kubo holy hell
also I have a new desktop background
Wings of Fire Book 1: The Dragonet Prophecy - Iiiii actually haven’t finished reading this one just yet, saving the last part for when I finish at least one mcfucking assignment, but here goes nothin:
if you take a shot for every blatant violation of Show Don’t Tell you’ll be dead three chapters in, not sure if that’s because this is a middle-grade book or what
that said I find the plot & its overall direction intriguing enough to continue and, much as I may internally groan at the repetitive characterization and disney villain dialogue, I thought it was worthwhile and already have the next book checked out ;V
what can I say there are dragons there’s a war and it’s a very interesting take on the whole “because you are the Chosen Ones we will raise you here for hero training” deal
there’s also some intriguing worldbuilding with regards to the “scavengers” and “the Scorching,” not sure how much those are covered in this book but a friend who recommended the series in the first place says it’s some kind of post-apocalyptic thing?? nice.
not really related but shout-out to that one commenter in Script Frenzy who told me it was jarring or weird or something to have my dragon protags straight-up eat a few human researchers. I mean they weren’t wrong and it’s not like the WoF good guys have eaten any people (onscreen, at least) but still. I don’t read dragon stories for the humans >:T
in any case, sorta wondering if that one surviving scavenger will come back in any way later...? chekov’s human.
but seriously we don’t need to be beaten over the head with exactly why each dramatic plot twist is indeed dramatic, I could practically hear the manufactured gasps
despite that there are also descriptive passages of fun events like characters getting their necks snapped or screaming in agony as poison seeps through their scales! and we've barely scraped the surface of the Horrors of War!! >:Dc
conclusion of sorts for this disorganized mishmash of bullet points: why yes I am one of those unrelatable fucks who doesn’t buy the whole “I will defend a shitty shebang of a plot if the characters connect” thing how are you. what can I say, even if I don’t have any particular fandoms right now, I still have Thoughts On Media and no one can stop me from throwing a good ~90 minutes into typing ‘em up despite having other responsibilities ;’V
tune in next time for... well honestly I dunno if this is gonna become a regular thing, but whatever thanks for readin feel free to like reply and follow and see you next time on a-flyleaf dot tungler dot corn~
#''no particular reason'' by which I mean Procrastination Supreme#.rtf#*watches this get longer than my current essay in progress* swell!
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ciok, so...live action remakes of disney movies
i personally don’t care about them. im not the biggest disney fan. i’ve seen more of their more recent movies, even though my favourites are older ones, like aristocats and sleeping beauty, although i also LOVE lilo and stitch and a few other ones, but i mostly grew up with 90s disney (aladdin, mulan, etc.)
i just think disney is overrated and i like disney’s tv programming way better nowadays (im talking abt disney xd. i don’t watch standard disney channel). i usually wait until the movie comes out on dvd now. i think the last disney movie i saw in theatres was moana, and that movie was fine. ocean looked good.
looking at this year, it’s just reboots, remakes, and sequels for disney
we’ve got:
toy story 4- probably gonna b good, but just a cash/nostalgia grab
lion king- they said it was gonna be live action but it’s cgi so ????? i could care less
frozen 2- looks good from the trailer. i might see it in theatres.
onward doesn’t count because it comes out in 2020
now let’s get into the live action movies
apparently they’ve existed since before i was born? like, i was aware of the live action 101 dalmatians movies because they were advertised and played so frequently on disney channel in the early 2000s. i don’t recall ever watching them or the original. there was also a live action jungle book which looks very 90s, but i don’t hear anything about.
i never watched the 1996 or 2000 101/102 dalmatians but they look bad
then there’s alice in wonderland, which for some reason never registered in my brain as disney because tim burton is not disney in my mind, but it looks ugly but somehow got a sequel. i do like the actress who played alice tho, she was good in crimson peak
sorcerer’s apprentice also counts apparently??? all i remember from that movie was nicholas cage. also...was jay baruchel in it????.....fuck omg he was. wtf. jay baruchel and thomas middleditch are like, same level to me. same aura.
ok, next is maleficent, which looked good and everyone raved abt it, but i never saw it. it’s like a wicked style spin off. mostly positive reviews i’ve heard.
cinderella which i heard nothing about. i think i saw adverts, but i heard nothing. it faded into obscurity. hayley atwell was in it, that’s all i know
jungle book 2016 i heard good things and tbh it looked nice. but i mean, idk, everyone forgot
i already talked about the alice in wonderland sequel...
ok, beauty and the beast= BAD. it just...no. they were marketing lefou as gay and all the gays were like, NO and then they didn’t do anything and it sucked and also emma watson seemed like a piece of shit white lady during it so, fuck beauty and the beast live action movie
christopher robin also counts? but that movie just registers as forgettable to me and it’s more of a spin off? not a live action reboot. because what i understand from it is that ewan mcgregor is christopher robin and he grows up and goes on a nostalgia trip or something? idk. also looking at it now, some of the cgi animals look TERRIFYING. like, pooh and piglet are cute, but tigger and eeyore look like they have souls of young children within them
ok onto the new ones
dumbo or as i like to call it EDGY dumbo. because tim burton is attached. also danny devito is in it. yeah....this one will probs b forgotten. no one has said anything on social media about it at all. it will die.
aladdin- ok, jasmine looks good ngl. aladdin looks old and his outfits look shitty. also the genie has been memed to death. but just, aladdin (the dude) looks like marty mcfly, like wtf. like there’s some pictures where he looks ok, but mostly he looks bad.
lion king- apparently it counts as live action too? idk...disney owns donald glover and beyonce is in it. that’s all. i don’t care. fade into obscurity plz
also there’s a lady and the tramp nobody has been talking about. but apparently it’s not gonna b in theatres...it’s gonna b on disney’s streaming service. wtf. this one will fade into obscurity too. tessa thompson and janelle monae are in it tho!?!?!?!
and now for future ones:
mulan- everyone is pissed because there’ll be no singing/dancing
maleficent sequel- meh
cruella devil movie- we already got ones w glenn close...NEXT
pinnochio- meh
hunchback- meh
lilo and stitch- no
little mermaid- meh
idk, disney please make original movies. i dont mind sequels but like...stop rebooting everything. we know it makes like 03034203042345255 gazillion dollars but please stop i hate living in reboot, remake, and sequel land. i know there are a lot of good ones, but still...make original content.
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A Quiet Place is Not a Good Movie
1) It's unoriginal.
One of the principal things that people have decided to praise this movie for is its originality. I cannot fathom why a horror movie in which people try to be quiet to avoid a monster is in anyway considered novel. The sentence I have just written describes a good twenty percent of the runtime of every horror film. As far as I can work out, AQP's trailblazing efforts consist of attempting to stretch this premise out for an entire 90 minutes, sans storytelling, character development, thematic conerns, or anything else that might divert from the absolutely thrilling spectacle of a strangely hipsterish family running/hiding/and being quiet in order to evade CGI creatures whose shitty design is the only thing frightening about them.
If you want a specific film in which the idea of silence is key then here: The Descent. Exactly same thing: creatures that are blind because they have evolved underground (btw - right there is more of a rational than AQP ever provides you with for why in fuck's name these creatures can't see - or indeed where they came from...) are evaded through silence. The Descent 2 even ends in the exact same way - a character screams to attract the attention of the monsters, sacrificing themselves and allowing other characters to escape. Want a more recent example? Don't breathe (2016): home invaders have the tables turned on them when a blind war veteran locks them inside and uses the home-turf advantage to hunt them down. It's not as good as the Descent and it's definitely more gimmicky, but you know what? It's still not as shitty as A Quiet Place...
So, how exactly is a horror film that relies entirely on one of the most fundamental conventions of the genre for its entire runtime and has close parallels with 3 other well-known horrors (one of which came out only 2 years ago) remotely original? It's not. Next.
2) The writing.
God the writing is shit.
Let's start with characters. Elementary characterisation suggests that a character ought to have something they want; a motivation that propels them during the course of the plot. The characters don't really want anything other than to survive. They're a family who wants to not get eaten. Perfectly reasonable, but not really good enough for the purposes of entertainment. A film needs more: something like the brilliant Koren zombie movie Train to Busan. It's a zombie movie so the motivation is, understandably, don't get eaten by a zombie. But there are also REAL characters with differing motives, attitudes, prejudices etc. that allow the film to have scenes revolving around conflict. In train to Busan you cach yourself asking interesting questions like (I wonder if this character will betray another? I wonder how far this one would be willing to go to protect his daughter? etc. The only thing it's possible to wonder at any point in AQP is 'I wonder if Thing A will eat Character A?'. Just substitute the letter each time and you're seriously describing the source of supposed dramatic tension for what felt like 15 scenes of the film.
Oh wait. I forgot about the fucking daughter.
Right so, one of the things people are praising is the supposedly involving and emotionally affecting narrative centring around the deaf daughter and her father. Essentially, she blames herself for the death of her younger brother and is convinced that dad also blames her. Seems pretty reasonable. That's until you get to the entirely unreasonable, nonsensical ways in which this causes her to act.
One of the great areas of potential when you're telling a post-apocalyptic story is the sheer interest of contemplating how an alterered society might result in people being altered: developing with different, values, attitudes and knowledge. In The Road when the son drinks a coke for the first time in his life it's a fascinating moment. Hell, in Planet of the Apes, when Gary Oldman uses the recently restored power to look at photos of his family on a tablet it's an emotional moment. You are struck by the sheer, terrifying but fascinating difference of this world from our own. And yet, the director of AQP seems determined NOT to explore a different world (a dinner scene in which the family sit around a nicely garnished fish dish consitutes such a twee post-apocalypse it's pretty easy to forget the end of the world) or to even consider that children who have grown up in a radically different, highly dangerous world would be anything other than the most stupidly cliched characters.
So the girl is guilty - she believes she has caused the death of her brother. Does she retreat into quiet solitude? Does she do what I think most teenagers would probably do and desperately seek her father's affection? Does she fuck. She does the pissy teenage rebel act you've seen 1000s of times before (always in film, hardly ever in real life). One noteable highlight is when her father presents her with a hearing aid which he has made for her (at the cost of great time and effort) and she essentially throws it back in his face. I found the moment pretty baffling and to my mind the context makes no sense of it. I felt even worse when I realised that it was the set up for a scene which made even less sense; having witnessed the death of her father, the deaf daughter goes downstairs to the basement of the house and finds the table at which her father, with a book on the anatomy of the human ear to guide him, has been painstakingly assembling the many hearing aids (all of which have not succeeded). So, because it's the right point in the film, she cries. But why the fuck is this scene treated like a reveal? Did she think he was finding hearing aids on trees? Why suddenly has a gesture that inexplicably angered her in the 1st Act caused her so much emotion in the 3rd?
Notable other occasions of characters doing things that make no sense include:
1) The bit where the daughter and her brother are stranded. The brother says that the father is coming to save them, the daughter remarks that he will come for him but not her. They're in the same fucking place! Is the daughter so insanely unreasonable/out of touch with reality that he expects the father to find them both, arrive, punch her in the face and run off with the son?
2) The bit in the 1st 5 minutes where a 4 year old living in a world where perfect silence needs to be maintained at all times (unless you want to suffer a horrible death) somehow thinks that putting batteries in an electric toy isn't a fucking dumb idea. BTW: the 'kids are dumb though' line doesn't excuse this: nobody is that stupid.
3) The bit where an older kid running away from a monster who can only hear decides not to run down an open path with no obstacles but to run straight into a corn field instead. Why? Well because it's much noisier and also easier to get lost in. Obviously.
4) The bit where a mother in a flooding basement decides to have a nap and wakes up to find a baby she gave birth to 10 minutes ago floating in a box. I'm not making this up. At this moment, a film where THIS happens is currently rated at 97% on rottentomatoes.
3) The sound design.
Given how much of the film hinges on sound you'd expect this not to be one of the best elements of the film. It's not.
The film shows non-diegetic sound at its absolute worst. Almost every appearance of a monster is accompanied by a an inception style foghorn which gets to be like a punchline after a while. In this film the score seems to subscribe to the school of thought where the purpose of a soundtrack is to tell you how to feel. Whether it's telling you to be afraid of a monster or sad because of a hearing-aid/father/daughter subplot that makes no sense, the soundtrack is there to tell you how to feel. Trust me film, if you've done your job properly I won't need a soundtrack to cue me in, I'll just feel things of my own accord.
Diegetic sound wise, you spend the entire movie waiting for them to do something interesting with the deaf girl. I mean, a deaf character; surely it's got to result in a moment where we can see it but she can't hear it? Ideally one where we experience her deafness so that we see the monster appear silently and creepily onto the screen? Well it does, but by then I'd stopped giving a shit.
It's also worth noting that while every review you'll read for this movie with stress the importance of silence to the movie, what they won't mention is actually there's a hell of a lot of fucking annoying noise in it as well. This supposedly original film relies so heavily on the lazy tactic of using loud noises in an effort to shock and scare, that every attack from each of the monsters is accompanied by the most irritating keening, slavering, yelping bullshit imaginable. The idea of grating high-pitched feedback even becomes essential to the plot at one point, meaning that if, like me, you long ago stopped giving a shit, then the finale will break new ground by actually giving you a headache too. That's right, having bored you with shitty storytelling, cliched and hollow characters and a derivative and formulaic plot, AQP ends by trying to actually hurt your ears.
4) the premise.
The premise makes no fucking sense. Actually that's not fair, it makes some. If I were M. Night Shyamalan I'd be wanting my act back. You know, the act of coming up with a gimicky premise that makes just about enough sense that you'll hopefully stick with it until you get to the twist, but if you think about it for like, a couple of seconds, you'll realise it's ridiculous.
So, the film demonstrates at the start that society seems to have almost entirely collapsed. It didn't do so straight away though, as evinced by a number of newspaper headlines reporting on the monsters themselves. That means there was at least a period of time during which the monsters were alive and kicking but society had not broken down. What the hell was the world's military doing during this time?
Let's look at the monsters themselves: fast, lethal to a human, and totally and utterly blind. Are you telling me that not one person, scientist, solider or in fact military organisation, has been able to trap one of these things? You know, rig a cage to fall and chuck an eggtimer underneath it? Not one person, has tried this, caught one and studied it? At the end of the film it's revealed that the monsters are basically disabled by certain high pitched nosies (in this case caused by the girl's hearing aid - what? No I don't think that's really convenient either). And yet nobody else in the world, having clocked pretty quickly that the monsters are entirely reliant on sound, thought about experimenting with sound waves?
That's if you buy into the idea that studying it is even necessary. Yeah the creatures are pretty big but they're hardly going to stand up to a tank are they? They're also, as the film shows, definitely possible to kill just by shooting them in the head. In zombie movies the breakdown of society doesn't involve too much suspension of disbelief because they almost always rely on a virus that affects humans and which spreads very quickly, meaning that no matter how well-armed or regimented an organisation, it's likely to be destroyed from within. And yet, an entirely intact army was unable to stem the tide of these creatures (from god knows where) taking over the entire world? Bullshit.
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House on Willow Street (2017) [REVIEW]
Sharni Vinson sure was a badass in You’re Next, wasn’t she? I wasn’t really familiar with her until then, but she also starred in the (shitty) shark movie Bait, which I thought would signal seeing her in a ton of other movies. Guess what? That didn’t happen! When I found out she was in a new horror movie, House on Willow Street, I was pretty pumped! Then, I watched House on Willow Street, and I was no longer pumped. Womp womp.
I swear this is from the movie and not just a video game still.
Hazel (Vinson) leads a gang of thugs on a secret mission to rob a house, which may or may not be on Willow Street, of diamonds…or money…or something. Whatever, the reason they’re robbing the house doesn’t really matter. The thugs cross paths with Katherine (Carlyn Burchell) and, risking complications, take her hostage. As the thugs explore the house, peculiar (and spooky) things begin to happen and it becomes clear that Hazel and her thieves have bitten off far more than they can chew.
Oh, brudda. Last year, the home invasion film Don’t Breathe became a moderately-sized success with its plot of thieves breaking in somewhere and having to deal with someone who turned the tables on them. House on Willow Street had a similar structure, but instead of a blind man who turned the tables on criminals, the thugs seemed to have crossed paths with Enchantress from Suicide Squad. The film is a funhouse of supernatural horrors, yet none of the horrors were all that scary for the viewer. There were jump scares-a-plenty, but that’s really the only successes the film had.
Why’s that witch lady from Suicide Squad wearing a hoodie?
Despite the film being, well, not that good, the creature designs of some of the ghouls were pretty interesting, even if some of them look like they were lifted from the Left 4 Dead video game franchise. Also, a good chunk of the effects looked like they were practical effects, so that’s another element that I appreciated. Granted, there were tons of CGI effects in instances where practical effects were impossible, but the effort to make real makeups is commendable. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but the whole tone felt like a ’90s movie haunted house movie. I kept thinking that the film felt like the Thirteen Ghosts remake, or the House on Haunted Hill remake, or The Haunting–wait, why am I reminded of remakes? Is this film a remake? Or is it just that it had a weird blend of practical and CG effects? If you’re a fan of movies that look like video games or the ’90s in general, then this film might be for you, but neither of those things are for me so neither was this film.
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