#think about how much i've cried

[aleswiftgron]

I have been crying for the past 4 hours (i'm not even exagerating, it was at 23:00h and now it's past 3 am) bc a spanish reality singing show broke my two gays apart and i get into Tumblr to try and cheer myself up AND NOW I'M CRYING BECAUSE OF KIT AND TY AND IM SEEING SIMILARITIES, when will i ever be happy??

#my eyes look like frog eyes #even my waterproof mascara and liner stained my whole face black #think about how much i've cried #My mom tried to calm me down cause i was sobbing so hard my cats were looking at me weird #kit herondale #the wicked powers #the dark artifices #ty blackthorn #kit x ty #twp #ty x kit #tda #ot 2023 #operación triunfo

[kittyandco]

does anyone else get so upset when you think about all the things that happened to your f/o... all the things they went through? all the things they haven't healed from? the pain that they may still be enduring? how you can do your best to help them but you can't protect them from everything. so you just love them the ways they needed before, how they deserved. and you see them happy because they finally accept, at least in some ways, that they do deserve it. they deserve love like all beings do

#i get so upset when i think about it for too long; i'm there for them now but there was nothing i could do; wanna go back and protect them #i'm like this with everyone i care about (real and fictional) and sometimes it's hard #it's about hans this time. i just can't believe all the things that happened to him #no wonder he's terrible! no one cared about him! why should he care! all he knows is pain and neglect! except from me! #i know why he sees everyone else as worthless because that's exactly how everyone he knew saw him first; he was supposed to be loved #they all used him up til he was nothing and that's all he knows #i can't even read certain parts of a frozen heart again because i just cried so much the first time... he didn't deserve that #no one does #and then the comics detailing it all even FURTHER #he was like any other innocent kid and seeing that progression hurt so much. i could get into the details but ugh #hux's age of resistance comic did the same thing. i can't even look at the first 2 pages; it's too much. i just want to hold him #anyway... i'm fine :') i've made a post like this before but i'm feeling it so hard right now #self ship

[raayllum]

Callum + keeping his word to Rayla

#rayllum #rayllumedit #when i tell u i listened to 'you are in love' and cried at 'he keeps his word' #it's never been More them coded #pining!callum #my edits #graphics #arc 1 #arc 2 #multi #cause i've been thinking about how much 'i meant what i said' embodies their dynamic on his side. SO WELL

[mattodore]

found out while putting together matthias's oc page that his name has the exact same etymology and meaning as theo's name...

i’m sure this is information matthias is very normal about…

#theo is in fact a gift from god so jot that down ! #river dipping #i've been throwing myself into oc stuff bc i'm not doing hot mentally which is... tbh when i do my best writing 😭 #none of this is new tho i wrote the bios and 'at a glance' intros months and months ago when i first made an oc page #which is why i do plan on rewriting them but for now i'm leaving them like this... so i guess the echthroi page is done? #obviously echthroi has more characters than this but i haven't taken new screenshots of everyone yet... #i put the gray cas bg back in my game a few days ago only to completely forget i wanted to take new headshots for the oc page 😭 #like these are just placeholders... i want the backgrounds to match the oc page. oh... or maybe i could just do transparent pics? #i think i remember vyx made a post abt how to do that... will look into that when i open the game again. rn i'm at my keyboard 🧑‍💻 #like i am writing new things! started a google doc for theo yesterday and have been writing on it here and there since then #i've already cried in there... lmaooo. i like oc pages for sure but i think a huge google doc is what i really need to keep track of things #i drop so much lore in tags on here and it's like! river write that down somewhere else or you'll lose it 😭 #like i fr have never actually written down any of the info i've shared on here. i've just had all this oc knowledge stored in my brain. #so i went through and copied over a tonnn of tags and posts i've made into google docs but i just know i'm missing things i've probably #said in the tags of their core tagged posts... 🧍 if my blog didn't have so many posts i'd have an easier time going through it but 🤷 #and on top of that i've been making a bunch of posts about theo and matthias on my main acc. which is like 🧍 well great now there's more #i'm gonna lose track of...... i fr have gottt to get into the habit of actually putting things down in theo's google doc!!! #i'm just trying to figure out the best way to format it all but i've downloaded a few templates that i've been messing with. #...anyway. if it isn't obvious i'm trying to get back to posting on here. i'm opening my inbox now with the intent to just. #sit here in my inbox until i can get myself to reply. lads... avpd is actually so torturous i'm not kidding. #i feel like i'm dying trying to get myself to interact with people sometimes even despite how badly i want!!!! to interact!!! #theo and me and our avoidant trauma responses holding hands and skipping around together

[aq2003]

i feel murderous intent within my bones whenever i see someone calling ten whiny for his "i could do so much more" speech . do not ever talk about him ever again. EVER again. i am in your walls

#dr who #anyway ever regain your will to live bc you've connected with someone that you (bleeding heart. loves people as easily as breathing) see as #almost a father figure . and he tells you that youre a wonderful person and that he doesn't want you to die/sacrifice yourself #(he's known you for such a short amount of time. but he knows how much you mattered to his granddaughter and that means so much) #and then just as you think youve finally made it and survived despite everything you have to sacrifice yourself for him. so he can live #he screams about how it's unfair and IT IS. ITS SO UNFAIR. and also because he's made his decision the second he saw wilf stuck there. #'oh i've lived too long' is how he makes peace with it. he's only lived for six years. #i cried again typign these tags turns out im not over his death lmfao somebody lobotomize me #10 era

[moe-broey]

@hulloitsdani I HAD TO. ROTATE THIS. IN MY MIND. SO MUCH. CAUSE HERE'S THE THING I think on the surface it COULD make sense and has SO much potential writing-wise and I have hardly thought about that before -- but!!!!

While I have been goofing on Ratatoskr and how she's just a poor little thang, upon meeting she DID tell Alfonse this:

Which gives you SO much information actually. Like. She knows a lot more than she lets on -- not because she's lying outright or even putting up a front, but because she's just. So overwhelmed and emotional and sensitive (LOUDLY so) that may be the only thing you notice, maybe even underestimating her. But I feel Alfonse took this information and did the opposite -- it's an odd position to be in, to be known presumably very well by someone who's a stranger to you. But I think he takes this in, and takes his first impression of her and her personality, motives, the conflict within her, and decides to put his faith in her.

I think ALSO he could be viewing her as a valuable ally, acknowledging:

I think, he sees she has potential, if he can win her over and have her fight on his side. I THINK. Primarily his motivation is practical. Making a quick judgement of her, coming to the conclusion she could be a valuable asset and could help the Heroes even more (going back to, him saying "She can even tell them I asked her to get us more information on the assassination plot" and "If our enemy thinks like I do... they'll see a similar opportunity in front of them.")

AUGH INTERRUPTING THAT THOUGHT THOUGH!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE!!!!!! PART OF THE GAMBIT IS "She would be a valuable ally" AND on the flipside "She could pose a considerable threat if she changed her mind and strengthened her resolve in the opposite direction (to kill me)" so winning her over is part of defusing the threat. AND it's an extra win to have all that information if she does choose the Heroes. AND it's an extra LOSS if she does leave, since she takes all that information with her AND has the advantage while the Order is left scrambling in the dark. Plus also!!!!!! Her having that intimate knowledge of his routines!!!!!! If he loses Ratatoskr, he Knows he's gonna suffer severe consequences.

ALSO. ALSO!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE!!!!!!!!!! That is WHY him letting her go and EMPHASIZING she can do whatever she deems necessary, EVEN giving her sisters inside knowledge on the Heroes. I FEEL LIKE. THIS IS ACTUALLY. VERY MUCH (on a much smaller scale!!!!) another Letizia moment. HEAR ME OUT

Right before The Moment, he's judging Letizia's character, what he knows to be true about her, her PERSONALITY and the way she thinks. Which leads him to go sicko mode on her (because! That Was the course of action to take with her!!!!)

THIS TIME. He's met with a very emotional, very distressed and conflicted assassin who seems to have a moral compass and is conflicted about what she's been ordered to do. In one way, she's almost like a bomb that has to be defused -- she Does pose a threat, and the threat needs to be addressed before it goes off/is out of his hands. And in this case, appealing to her emotions IS the answer!

AND. I THINK. PART of that appeal WAS to place That Much trust in her. ESPECIALLY communicating to her, she's not Required to remain loyal to the Heroes. Giving her a choice, between them and her sisters. He's heavily relying on Ratatoskr's internal conflict and also (surely it hasn't been missed on him) her attachment to him, or at very least her respect for him as a person she's come to admire. It's an extreme chance to take, but I think he knows if Ratatoskr can 1) Feel like she made the choice herself, and 2) He can catch her on another emotionally driven motivation (When she requests a favor in return, which is for the Heroes to Save her Sisters) -- I think he's fully confident he can win her over without forcing her to do anything.

WHICH. ALSO. HELPS WIN HER OVER BC her MAIN conflict she's struggling with is Being Forced To Do Something She Doesn't Want To. By NOT being forceful with her, by EMPHASIZING she can take any action she deems fit, he's set up a situation WHERE the Order of Heroes is the preferable option. He leaves her with the impression that her feelings matter, that she has agency, and ultimately it's up to her.

I FEEL LIKE........ I am talking in circles LMFAOOO BUT. I think Another thing (before thought interruption) was Alfonse's lines saying, "It's a gamble on our part, but if our enemy thinks like I do... they will see a similar opportunity in front of them." ESPECIALLY into:

WHICH stood out to me SO much because I think it really captures how practically motivated he IS here. He is using her. He's acknowledging, that if their enemy is Like Him, they're using her, too. He's creating a situation with a desired outcome, making the Order of Heroes the more desirable option to align with, giving her the feeling that she Can choose -- and, this is true! He's entirely put the choice in her hands. But in DOING that, it strengthens the possibility of her seeing the Heroes AS the desirable option. Which is the goal. Which is what he wants. He Is prepared, most likely, for the event this backfires, but also he's fully confident Ratatoskr Will choose them. (Also, as I say he was "most likely prepared for backfire"..... honestly that may not even be the case. Alfonse bluffs and bullshits his way around and out of things so much it would make Phoenix Wright blush).

WHICH ALSO LIKE..... AAAUGHGHHHH rotating him in my mind forever. You can See his traits and tendencies, see how he uses them for the benefit of his allies and those he cares about, but also SO clearly you can see. How A Lot of That is deeply rooted in his own moral compass (which is good!) and his own perspective (which is limited and sometimes flawed) and you can see. EXACTLY how these things can twist and turn and get really ugly LMFAOO

And man I haven't even gotten to Alear yet but I have THOUGHTS about his interactions w her too I need to make a separate post about LMFAOO 😅 (hit image limit and also feels like another topic entirely 🫡)

#fire emblem #feh #THIS FEELS. v rambley and all over the place but i hope it's coherent. #also like my thoughts about reginn (i don't even know if i've elaborated) and how he acted towards her #LIKE. HONESTLY. it drives me so insane like i'm imagining all of this they way he treated reginn #(which a harshness motivated by wanting to guide her to do what must be done) and how he treats veronica (friend or foe) #and how he's been handling ratatoskr. SO STRONGLY. i just feel like the root of it all is sharena. #how i think it's EXTREMELY likely he did Not escape parentfication and how he must have had to raise her #more than their actual parents did (ALL GUESSWORK cause we don't know for sure) #but i think there IS a strong sense of it was just the two of them. for a very long time. #and i think about how he's the one who taught her how to fight (alongside bruno ofc but likely before then too!!!) #I THINK ABOUT IT. ALL OF THE TIME. HOW IT SEEPS INTO SO MANY ASPECTS OF HIM. #AND THE. THE FUCMING. THE FYCKING CHANGELING -- *gets shot* #like in my head he devoted so much to her and. and. it's still so strongly present in him to this day and. and #what if i cried about it forwver. what then #fe alfonse #ratatoskr

[whywoulditho]

if you're still not boycotting israeli products, protesting against the genocide, sharing the news, asking for a ceasefire, I am judging you. I know my followers, I know my mutuals. I know the ones who selectively interact with my anime shitposts and ignore the ones about palestine. I am seeing you and I am judging you. I won't call you out on your bullshit personally, because if you can still ignore this humanitarian crisis while being active online and seeing all those posts, you're just not worth trying to reason with. But know that if you still choose to be silent, if you still think this issue is too political or complicated you're an ignorant, pathetic little bitch. you can't live without your starbucks? grow the fuck up. you think celebrities don't owe anyone their support and it is okay for them to stay quiet when it's the brown, the muslim who suffers? you're fucking delusional and you're pathetic. you think you get to turn a blind eye because it's not effecting you? you're a self-centered whiney little toddler. stay in your bubble and keep quiet all you want, i know you will lie to your kids one day and tell them you stood with palestine.

none of us are free until all of us are. free palestine 🇵🇸

#the biggest dumbfuck arguement i've seen esp from turkish media was 'well there are other genocides going on too 🤓' #and i think that's like the lowest you can sink #trying to use other ppl's suffering to promote the idea that any act done against genocide is in vain bc ppl always suffer and always will #like how fucking out of touch with reality do you have to be to think that's a valid point #yes many people are suffering #when we say free palestine we mean free the opressed. anywhere in the world #my heart cries for uyghurs. for sudan. for congo. for yemen. every single nation that's being massacred #the reason we put so much emphasis on palestine right now is that if we dont their freedom will be lost very very soon #this is not to say i'm prioritizing one nation's liberation above another #just the reality that if we dont speak up right now it might be too late #they are literally waiting for us to stop talking about it #to forget and get used to it #that's why its so important #all of them are. but if you're using the others to justify your apathy you're a disgusting person #freepalestine #free palestine #free gaza #boycott starbucks #boycott israel #boycott mcdonalds #boycott disney #boycott zara

[kaladinkholins]

i think fandoms can be soooo ridiculous a lot of the time (see: all the nonsensical fan wars, discourse, etc) but i cannot understate how much i actually love fandoms.

like yeah it may be super nerdy and even cringe and outsiders look at it like "why tf do you care about these fictional characters so much?"

but 1) my field is literally..... literary studies..... in which all i do is study fiction and analyse it like an insane person, and 2) even if that WASN'T my field, thinking about the stories we consume is important even for any person to do, because thinking about stories exercises our brain to think critically!! why do you think our ancestors used stories as a medium to share knowledge, to propagate moral values and lessons? stories—telling them, thinking about what they're saying, and caring about the characters within them—are all inherent to the human experience!!!

so that brings me to fandom. because we are literally just making these little communities with each other based on our shared love for a particular story, and for a particular character or theme within them that resonated with us, or whatever. we're all here because we loved a thing so much that we built connections from it!!!

like yeah my irl friends laugh at me when i tell them i write fanfic, cuz ha ha what a nerd what a loser etc, but dude. i made genuine real friendships from fandom alone. from just obsessing over two characters we thought were cute together, we've gone to sending each other gifts and postcards and having voice calls and confiding in each other and sharing parts of us and our personal lives and our cultures (cuz we're all from different countries) with each other! like now i don't even share a fandom with most of my old fandom friends anymore but we still stick by each other and that's amazing???

also like, i cannot emphasise enough how amazing and encouraging it is to share your craft (art/writing/etc) with others in fandom. because for example if i make my own personal art or write my own original work, i'd have no one to share it to, no one interested to see it, and thus no one will be there to provide feedback or encouragement.

but if i post a piece of fan art or fanfic, people actually do see the work i post and care about the craft and the content it's depicting and even share their thoughts on it and that ??? is so motivating and lovely ??? because even though i make art for myself, art is still meant to be shared and seen at the end of the day—even if only with one person. so to be given the means of sharing our art in such a way, to have such a community that fosters so much creativity, it's amazing. i don't really get that anywhere else.

and especially to have this in like, a casual setting, you know, where you can just be yourself and do things according to your own time and energy without the pretenses of professionalism and a perfectly curated resume or portfolio, and all the confines of a rigid work schedule, which would all make the process of creation less fun and less genuine, and instead just more taxing and chore-like.

because fandom is essentially meant to be about doing what's fun for you! it's about sharing your creations and enjoying what others share with you. you make friends and you go ham with it.

and also it's why it's more frustrating when people take things too seriously and legitimately get upset over assumptions of other people's beliefs and hold the most minor grievances that could only be felt if you're like, chronically online.

but on that note, there are definitely still honest-to-god bad people in fandom spaces too (see: racists, TERFS, homophobes, groomers, harassers, etc). but that's the case with all communities, because bad people are always going to exist, and thus statistically speaking, the bigger a group or community is, higher chances are there's gonna be some awful people in there. but honestly that is its own can of worms and also that's not what this post is about, but i felt it necessary to address because i don't want to paint fandom as like, the best thing ever in the world, because fandom spaces are incredibly flawed, as everything is.

but i've always been one to appreciate things despite its flaws. and though this may be very personal to me, when i love things so much, i am still willing to stick around and try to change the culture around it in the ways that i can (like promoting internet safety measures, creating safe spaces for thoughtful and polite discussion, raising awareness on harmful stereotypes and fandom depictions or opinions, etc).

so regardless of the bullshit that online fandom spaces tend to perpetuate, i do very much still love the way that fandom allows me to connect with folks over something as silly as our little blorbos, and from there end up making life-long friends, or at the very least new acquaintances. insert reinforcement of my thesis statement about stories fostering human connection here. the end. send post.

#fandom #inspired by me feeling lots of love for my long-time fandom friends and enjoying making new ones since joining the BES fandom #like i still remember comments i got on my fanfic from years ago. telling me how much my work resonated with them? #talking about how much they cried reading my work? how much it touched them? #like to me that's insane. like i'm thrilled to even have one (1) person care about my work ykwim #bcs irl it's hard to find that kind of recognition? ppl hear like. “oh you write/draw? cool” and it's p much whatever #so yeah. fandom has always been v important to me like i met so many cool and awesome and nice ppl bcs of it #and though I've lost touch with a lot of the friends i've made i still think abt them a lot. they all mean smth to me still #lol joining a new fandom community is makin me feel nostalgic dont mind me! #shut up haydar #scribblings.txt

[licorishh]

Replayed Modern Warfare 3 2011 on Veteran tonight and goooooooood night. Blood Brothers never gets any easier to watch no matter how many times you've done it and the ending really never misses huh

I apologize for the amount of yapping in the tags I reread it all on mobile and started giggling because it went on for so long but eh. Blessed are those who won't shut the freak up and all that

#call of duty #modern warfare 3 2011 #i just. wow. wow wow wow wow wow #i've played these three games so many times over the last several years and i just. #they literally. never get old. #loose ends and blood brothers will never not make me cry and endgame and dust to dust will never not make me smile so hard #ending it with price smoking the cigar like he did in the first mission in the first game wHEN HE FIRST MET SOAP JUST UGHHHHHH. #i know y'all don't care but i don't care that y'all don't care i could literally yap about this until i shrivel up and die #i have never ever ever in my LIFE seen poetic justice played out so beautifully like it is at the very end #JUST. WOW. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. WOW WOW. WOW #they do not frickin make games like that anymore DADGUM #i also forgot how frickin sad down the rabbit hole is?? like jeez louise they didn't have much screen time but gosh #i also have never in my life heard such gut-wrenching anguish from a grown man in my life like price in that one scene #I KNOW Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT MAN MAKES ME FULL ON S O B IN THAT PART HE HAD NO BUSINESS #anyway i'll keep cutely living in denial and pretending literally any of the main characters besides price and nikolai are fine <3 #foley and dunn and their team seemed just fine at the end of modern warfare 2 so i will accept that small mercy #at this point these games have taken everything else i love away from me so #y'all probably think i'm wild for how insane i get over these games but the nostalgia bit is a big part of it as well #like they're honestly in my opinion genuinely the greatest video games of all time #but the fact that i have that connection with my dad makes it so special #crazy cause he said he also cried in blood brothers and my dad is 54 and i have seen him cry one (1) other time in my entire life #heck infinity ward but also bless them i hope the devs live long beautiful wonderful prosperous delightful exciting fulfilling lives #Lord bless them and their entire bloodline for the contributions they have made to humanity not even joking #AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FREAKING SOUNDTRACKS DO NOT GO THERE OAUSYDJAKAKDN #MW2 AND MW3 CREDITS. EXTRACTION POINT. COUP DE GRACE. RETREAT AND REVEILLE. CONTINGENCY. PARIS SIEGE. PRAGUE HOSTILITIES. RUSSIAN WARFARE. #UGHHHHHHHGHHHH everything about these games is so unbelievably perfect and immaculate #i have got to get over my art block NOWWWWWWWWWW #makarov is also the best villain i've ever seen idc bro he's frickin awesome #i mean obviously he's horrible and a disgustingly evil human being but as a character he's stupidly well-written

[dummerjan]

one day my anxiety is going to kill me

#just nervous rambles before i leave the house ignore me i feel like talking #meine belastbarkeit? geht gegen null #but hey at least i no longer get proper anxiety/panic attacks #i used to have attacks when going to my therapist i couldn't go in we would have to go for a walk lest i feel like i was about to die #i did cried yesterday and nothing bad happened just me being a fucking baby and terrified of messing up #and now i feel so much trepidation of because today is another day to mess up #it helps to think of one of my dogs and how scared she wasof going to the vet (and of other things and how brave she was) #we would have to carry her through the entrance lest she vomit #and there was no way to sooth her and explain what was happening #she would be paralyzed and just let things happen #and it helps to think about that and how she made it through and how i know what is happening and yes it is scary #but it is good and it's growth and i've grown so much and that i can do it if she could do it #it's silly but it has actually helped #meins

[leafy-m]

My stupid story is 20k now how I do make it stop 😵

#Every time I read through to edit I end up adding another scene this is so fuckin embarrassing #It's not even in chapters it's just one massive thing #The beginning is bad though I have to figure out how to rewrite that but lmao a fixed version with dialogue will be another 2k aha ha ha #There's one long scene I could remove and make that it's own one shot but also god how about I Don't #I'll probably end up deleting it because it's just. Too much. Compared to everything else. But also. What if I didn't? 🤷‍♀️ #I think what's hilarious is that I had Plans. About Themes. And Character Studies. And Comparisons #And idk if it's even really in there and visible and not just 20k of 'what if I just wrote the most indulgent shit for me specifically' #And then ended it with an emotional slap to the face because I love building things up and then tearing it apart #(and it does that really well; I'm giggling into my hands - I'm dancing on my own grave) #I've cried so many times during this stupid fic #*deletes other comment* #Anyway my OTHER fic that I also indulgently love and is way too long and made me cry way too hard every fuckin scene #Does not make me cry anymore and idk if I broke it somehow in the editing or if I'm just immune to its devastation now #Honestly concerned that when I post these I'll be like 'meh; it's just ok' and then anyone who reads it is like ☠️☠️☠️☠️ #Hehehehe #Ok I'm done

[chickenstrangers]

genuinely feel like i've forgotten how to rewatch things just like as a comfort show. every time i've rewatched a show recently it takes me at least 3 times as long to watch because i have so many thoughts and need to write them down and reflect on them and screenshot everything

#not complaining i like meta whether or not i actually end up writing it #but i've been stuck on episode 8 of not me for a week because every scene keeps being back to back one of the best scenes of all time #and i need to stop it and take a walk #thinking about the way the nature of art and activism and hopelessness #and yet the unstoppable drive of humans to do something about it #and how the camera moves & captures its subject and how it exposes them and how they look at each other and recognize something in eachothe #i have cried THREE times this episode about the CAMERA work #every time i rewatch things my brain goes into essay mode #because the first time watching i was just bingeing most of the time #it is much less stressful this time around with how bad they are at all their plans tho so that is a nice thing for me #rambling rambles

[solarisgod]

The way we just love how completely raw and real our writing style with the Starwake System is. In all honestly, I do occasionally wish we can have the time and energy to have our style be lightly touched with purple prose like how we could with most of our other muses we wrote before, but there is just something deeply authentic about the Starwake System anyway that makes our storytelling with them so much more emotive and intense and expressive, even if described with little to no flowery details. I've come to take notice of this since last month, especially while writing with Amor, and it is stunning to step back and analyze our writings with the Starwake System. To look deeply their histories and identities, their dreams and achievements, their flaws and hardships, just everything about the system itself and the alters in it that are told in ways that can make one feel so much for and think so much about them. even have a thought that they're more of real beings than just fictional characters.

#[ ✨ : the amount of times I cried ( so much ) writing them and thought about them - especially with Micah is insane lmfaokjdsgksdbgjksd ] #[ like we had written a different OC for a bit over a year and I don't think I've ever cried while writing them or thinking about ] #[ even though at the time I did consider them as my biggest comfort and coping original character who I could relate to deeply ] #[ but Micah with the Starwake System is a complete different experience to us and especially me ] #[ like there is truly something so raw and real about their existences and experiences ] #[ that make our writings hold so much emotions and inspirations ] #[ at least for us and esp. me personally ] #[ even though I would wish for something ' more ' to our writing style ; what we have now is just so perfect ] #[ we're extremely happy and proud of how our style is and so am I ]

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[garciapimienta]

i'm getting emotional over leo

#im just so happy and it's really hitting rn #probably bc i've been thinking a lot abt that text that he said made him and anto cried #and it just reminded me of how much he has suffered and it brough a lot of stuff about that time back up #i really cant put into words how much I love him #lionel messi #leo messi #wc 2022 #argentina nt #la scaloneta gana el mundial #celebrations

[readyforthegarden]

finished putting the final touches on the last chapter of silver springs and now i'm going to reward myself with with a mcdonalds coke and french fries

#sammy nation if you see this know i cried and most of it was thinking about yall and how much fun i've had writing this for you guys #and how i hope you've really liked it and this ending makes you proud