#this grief will eat me alive

[borderlineclown]

i wish i was dead

#i want to cut myself so fucking bad. i hate being alive #this grief will eat me alive #i so badly want to be dead #how am i supposed to deal with this #she just. moved on #a year and a half and it meant nothing #like. love isn't real for me it's not something that is mean to happen #i don't want to be fucking alive anymore

[pollyna]

au in which when Warlock gives Maverick the news about Ice, Bradley is still in room, and all the admiral says is "it's about Iceman." Rooster doesn't connect it to Ice being dead (or even about him having cancer) and all he can see and do is watch Mav crumble on himself.

"You were five when I was holding your mom's hand and promising her I would have done everything in my power to protect you. And I did. We shaped, me and Ice, all our lives around you, and there isn't a day we regret it. We cared and loved you even before you were ours, and we never stopped doing it even when you tried to push us away.But Bradley, I had to hold your dad's hand, the love of my life, when he was in pain after the rounds of chemos and we tried to call you so many times, so many times. The only thing that stopped me from taking you back to him by the ear was Ice because he didn't want to put too much pressure on you, and he was hoping that you would grace us by actually answering to one of our calls. You were one of the last things he asked me about, he was afraid you hated us -him- so much to deny him even to come around and say goodbye.

Maybe you're right. Maybe Nick shouldn't have truest me up in the sky, and maybe you shouldn't either, but here, on the ground, is where I can't trust you. And with a little luck after this mission, you aren't going to see me again, and you will forget about us once again. Do what you want, Rooster. You aren't a child anymore."

#things i said when grief was eating me alive but i don't know if i'm sorry about them #pete maverick mitchell #bradley rooster bradshaw #icemav #au #top gun: maverick

[marcmorrigan]

they keep me warm on cold nights / we must be quite a sight all tangled, wow

yayyy finished this just in time! this server exchange was so fun and i had such a good time making this for @oloreandil omg im so excited to have gotten you as my giftee!!! ILYSM i hope i did your prompt justice!

#death note #wammy boys #nearlymellodramattic #nate river #mihael keehl #mail jeevas #near death note #mello death note #matt death note #natebit #meronia #mellodramattic #my art #full color #i fully have no idea what the polyam tag for these three is oops! love them tho theyre so cute... theyre gonna eat matt alive #i had so much fun w this!!! months in the making ive been ON THE GRIND. i broke 100 layers on this piece someone get the champagne #the bg gave me some grief but as soon as i did a pink gradient iwl oh. of course. she never fails me. i always come CRAWLING BACK TO HER #idk why i ever bother w anything else. she is the Moment. pink gradient bg you will Always be Famous #ANYWAY YAYYY very possibly my final art of 2023!!! we shall see. a good note to end on if it is! #hehe. note >:o)c #LYRICS IN THE CAPTION ARE FROM MY GIRLFRIENDS GIRLFRIEND BY TYPE O NEGATIVE. OBVIOUSLYYY <3 <3 <3

[ickypuppi3]

i think two characters drifting apart is worse than one of them just dying actually because. what do you mean they changed each other irrecoverably but circumstances mean they now live separate lives what do you mean one of them might look at the ocean and be reminded of the other one in a way that causes that very specific pain in their chest except the person they’re thinking of isn’t even dead, they’re just a stranger. what do you mean they’ll never get back what they lost what do you mean their conversations will now be awkward and stilted like two people meeting one another for the first time wh

#yeah i’m thinking about harringrove who even cares anymore #right person wrong time or what the fuck ever #makes me sick to my stomach #what if i bashed my head against the wall what then #girl you are mourning someone who is still alive ! the grief is eating away at you ! you can’t grieve because they are still alive ! help !

[calmmyfears]

I grew up without my father, he's still alive but I am not allowed to have contact with him, I am used to the grief of not having a father. But every once in a while, this wave of insurmountable grieve crashes into me and I just sit there unable to breathe knowing something terribly went wrong but I am supposed to act normal, live my life and pretend it is totally fine 🙂

#breaking news I can't #it is eating me alive #grief #trauma #unresolved trauma #grieving for the living

[little-candy-store-of-horrors]

Vent piece idk

Ok to reblog but ignore the fucking tags hhh

#Charles ii of spain #Charles ii #Carlos ii #17th century #You know I havent really spoken about the grief of losing your mobility but it is so much more than that #It's also the loss of your freedom physically and socially #And it eats you alive the longer it draws out. I mourn everything i cant do and everything i could. #It's also a financial nightmare having to go to the hospital and being unable to take public transport #AND losing your job #I know it's not a lot compared to what a lot of people have gone through but #The strain has literally killed me i cry like two to three times a week now #And i just dont know when its going to get better or what worse is in store #Or how much ive fallen behind even when it does physically get better #Also there's the autism thing about freaking out if ur body doesn't remain the same so fun fun #So anyway ive thought about committing a LOT since june!! Hahahhahahahah

[dockaspbrak]

what the hell

#ok not to be rude but #i sort of cant handle the depression perhaps anymore like it is unending #i dont understand why god cant just give me theability to reanimate the dead or perhaps just do it himself #i miss the little guy i kind of dont know what to even do #i feel stupid bc i feel like its like....people dont really perhaps i just dont think people are that cool about talking abt grief #esp about pets..like #i feel silly for being so depressed but i also cant perhaps handle it #the self loathing is really hitting a peak this week idk like #where do ie ven go from here is my thought i guess i dont really want to be alive or do anything i just miss him so much #he was so sweet and small #i keep getting served videos about like senior 20 yr old cats being surrendered to shelters and like #im so mad like id do anything to have gotten 2 more years with him wht the fuck are you giving them up for #what the hell #its frustrating because ir eally dont want to be comforted or even spoken to about this im just like mad #mad and bargaining clearly i forget what stages those are #depressed yet pissed off also like what the fuck did he do to deserve this it was so fucking fast #cherish your fucking pets. treasure every fucking day #ugh #maybe ill try a different kind of eating again for awhile tbh lets see what thats like in the new context of living w regan #its hard bc its human nature to criticize and correct i think so its hard to feel like i have the space to do what i want? bc of that.... #idk idk

[orcelito]

Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this

#speculation nation #daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days... #im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard #im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn. #what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles #and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response #im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day #but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned #and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat. #im just... tired. im so very tired. #i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to #constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing) #and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed #if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work #at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think #get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes. #i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding #i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic #but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month. #losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though. #negative/

[novelconcepts]

The audio reel in my head all day, every day lately:

time is running out, mortality is closing in, the world feels like it’s finding new ways to end every other day, I have so much to do, to see, to make, to consume, I could die at any moment, there aren’t enough hours, I’m so exhausted, there isn’t enough motherfucking time

Also my brain:

put that thing off a little longer, you don’t deserve it yet

#personal #hi hello sometimes I forget I have critical-mass levels of anxiety and depression #and sometimes I can square it off in a nice little box #so long as I don’t turn off the audiobook/music/podcast/tv show/YouTube essay #so long as I don’t let it be quiet too long #so long as I make my body run and sit in the sun and put words on the page #I can pretend it’s not eating me alive #but lately? ooooh buddy lately. no job no income no purpose endless wells of grief and terror and the walls are closing the fuck in #and like. i LIKE being unemployed in a way. it’s the first time I’ve had a chance to just…read and work out and write in a long time #with no real rules except what I set for myself #that’s great! that’s amazing! that’s how humans should operate. #capitalism says with no job you’ll be bored. I’m never bored. i just am. so aware of time. #and how little we have. and how old I am. and how fucked the world is. #bored? hell no. how could I be? i can’t fucking move fast enough. #and yet. i keep putting off books and comics and show rewatches until I’m ‘ready’ #i feel insane. this feels insane. what a time to be alive.

[pinkydec]

grief is such a weird concept

for the first time in 5 years i havent cried on his anniversary

is this healing?

#for context a close friend of mine died five years ago today and genuinely the grief has been awful at times but todays the first day i #havent cried on his anniversary #im genuinely so proud of myself because i was genuinely getting scared the grief would eat me alive #tw death mention

[sociallyawkwardseal]

Okay, so not fanfic/writing stuff but do you ever think of how close Calla and Kody used to be? How sweet and bright and encouraging she was towards him when they were younger? How friendly and warm she was? How they smiled at each other? It makes me want to eat rocks.

#Lumine #Lumine webcomic #Lumine (webcomic) #Lumine (webtoon) #Lumine webtoon #And then ableism starts dragging Kody down. #Dozens of things that are either pinpricks or full-on bricks getting slammed into him (figuratively. I do not mean. Kody got beaten with #bricks.) #''It's not like he could have played anyway--he can't use magic'' #Kody's disappointment and heartbreak at not being able to use magic like the other witch kids #Him finding other ways of being a witch (potion making) to accommodate to his limitations #But still not being seen as a proper witch according to some (i.e. Calla's family; ''they could forbid me from seeing you/us being friends #if they found out'') #Anyways I don't really know where I was going with this but it just makes my heart Ache #I can't remember how canon it is (I'll find out soon) but I always imagined that Camille had a heavy focus on potions; #I feel like she really appreciates potionmaking and the uses/applications of it; how versatile it is and while it isn't as convenient as #general magic--having a potion prepped in-advance would be pretty useful and convenient. Especially if you got too tired to actually do #general magic or something was blocking it off. #It's why I think she would be a good parental figure or aunt figure or mentor or SOMETHING to Kody #Kody finding a way to accommodate to his illness and disabilities by trying potion making has always been something that's stuck out to me #That doesn't take away the grief or pain of Not being able to do it ''the normal way'' but it gives you SOMETHING. Any connection to what #you love dearly and want to do. #This was Not meant to be a rant on disability stuff whoopsie. And yet here I am. I'm gonna cut it off there. #If this didn't make sense sorry the migraine-hangover brainfog is eating my words alive #My heart just hurts over their old friendship and how sweet they were #Also forgot that Kody wanted to open a bakery when he's older... Aughhhh. Implodes into 500 tiny shrapnel forever.

[irnpressed]

the most vulnerable thing i’ll ever post about is finding out that i was pregnant in december and having to terminate the pregnancy

#it eats me alive every day. so many complex emotions. guilt. relief. grief. wishing things could’ve been different. i’m sorry thomas

[yellowsubiesdance]

maybe i’ll get my vape out of my suitcase and get a lil silly

#repressing my emotions is so much easier than feeling them #i wanted to have a good joyful break and it’s been so unbearably stressful and i feel like i’ve wasted all my precious family time #i’m so furious #i want to scream and i don’t even have the car to go out and scream in #i miss my baby #i want my santa fe back #i don’t want change i don’t want a car with different problems i want the same car with the same problems #i want consistency for one fucking day #i want my dog back i want my friend to still be alive i want this stupid firestick to work so i can watch this fucking movie #i want peace and joy and love and no stress no anxiety no grief no pain no loss #i’m so tired of feeling everything but happiness #i’m so depressed this shit is eating away at me #i want to buy things so i can fill the hole in my chest

[aguacerotropical]

grief is a bitch but sometimes i talk about it and people are like “thats really interesting, im glad you have that perspective despite everything” and it makes it easier

#its also… i dont know how to say it #its like you take the veil off of life and see it in a more honest way #for me at least #Grief can break open clichés #undo them and make its superficiality obvious. Its made me a better writer i think #idk if u like these posts ily it makes it feel a little less like im shouting at a black hole or smthin lol #loss will not eat you alive but the loneliness that comes from it definitely will

[milo-is-rambling]

Life is so weird I constantly forget I have diagnosed reasons for why I feel the way that I feel and act the way I act and struggle in the ways that I struggle and yet I will still completely forget and automatically assume I am a horrible person who never puts any effort in and I will never amount to anything like ugh I need to relax and recognize how far I’ve come

#having weird vibes recently I think partially bc Millie and I talked about moving in together in the future and she’s more ready than I am #and it’s made my brain all weird about growing up again cause I’ve kind of just been floating through life assuming everything is fake and #will stay the same forever and this is just what life is now even tho I know rationally the future will change one day I’ll move out etc etc #but I’d rather not think about so I don’t and then when I do remember it takes a lot of mental energy to shove it back down into my brain #so I can function day to day and not freak out over everything forever #blah blah blah grief is eating me alive I’m afraid of death as a general concept while also not living my own life etc etc #you get it I feel like I’m already dead and no one can really convince me that any of this matters bc it’s all fake and my dad is dead and #I’ll die sometime too and none of this will have mattered in the grand scheme of things and I’m struggling so much right now and I know it’s #just a rough patch and it’s not even that rough but it’s just like my brain won’t stop thinking about how my dad was here and now he isn’t #and he’s never coming back and one day everyone I love will die hahahaha yeah you know you get the vibe ugh okay bye #let’s kill this bowl and take a dab and try to pass out

[brkmysoul]

on monday it'll be five months since my dog died and i dont think i'll ever get rid of the feeling that he's still here i and at the same time he's not anywhere at all

#i look at the way the nose of one of my stuffed bear is ruined and i smile remembering how he chewed it. i eat something and the image of #him with his little eyes just waiting for me to drop something for me is SO clear in my head and i just smile #and them find one of his ties inside the pocket of a sweater i haven't wear for ages and i broke down crying for hours. #i find a piece of his colar has been missing for ages and i remember how i'll never use it again and i cry and cry #i look around the house and theres memories of him everywhere but hes not anywhere cause mom threw all of his things away #cause she couldnt ever look at them without breaking down #and i just miss him and miss him and i cry when i remember him and i smile when i remember him #and i wish he was still here and i just so glad hes not suffering anymore #at the end of the day is all just grief and more and as long as he is making me feel things he'll still be alive for me