#told my parents I was straight now

[femmeidiot]

I need 2 be braver about enforcing my pronouns with people

#But I always exist in a weird limbo space because I've never even come out to my parents as an adult #that doesn't mean I didn't try to when I was a kid or that they didn't read my journal one time and find out about my first girlfriend #And then my dad took me on a weird hour long drive to tell me about how I was an evil sinner and then bought me kfc biscuits so I lied and #told my parents I was straight now #but anyway no one in my family besides my sister actually KNOWS anything about my gender or sexuality #and so idk I'm good at just like keeping it to myself in general I know I look feminine and and I'm not bothered by most feminine terms #but idk it does make me sad that most people still don't see me fully #anyway idk there's some trauma bye

[desi-lgbt-fest]

As a young sapphic who's still in high school and coming into her identity, it gives me chills sometimes when my mom laughs and talks of a possible near future where she hopes to marry me to a boy(and goes on to talk of how he must be from the same community and I should be glad I'm not marrying my cousin). It makes me wanna work harder and get a scholarship to go abroad as far as I can. Any advice or hope?

Hey anon, first of all, thank you so much for sharing, and know that you're not the only one who feels this way.

This is a bit anecdotal but let me tell you a story of how, literally two days ago, I went to this local south asian pride event. In hindsight, there weren't a lot of people there. Maybe upwards to about 80 to 100 people? However, when I arrived, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of queer desi people just present. And I'm talking trans people, genderqueers, asexuals, people in poly relationships, and people of all genders in lehengas and kurtas and rainbow saris. There were people out to their parents and even more not out, preferring to live freely and safely.

Even as a queer person myself, I could not comprehend how many people there were like me and different from me. And I am fortunate to live in a very tolerant country. I remember saying out loud "Oh my god there are so many people here," and someone replying "Yeah, we exist outside of the screen too." I think it occurred to me then that maybe it's not a matter of me being alone, but me choosing to be because I'm always overwhelmed, shy, or terrified of the consequences of not meeting expectations.

Basically, anon, I'm trying to say that there is always hope. And often, community is much closer to you than you think. There are many of us living in similar circumstances. However, just like you, we fight in our own little ways. Some of us push back marriage to "focus on our careers", some might indoctrinate their parents in tiny ways until they are a little more tolerant than before, and others straight up come out after they have established themselves independently (these people are braver than any soldier to me). Either way, no matter the circumstance, we are always fighting.

Study hard, and go to a college far away. Or study hard and go to a college close by. Stay with your parents or don't stay with them. Get a job, or don't. Either way one day you will be an adult and you will find that community, and you will learn how to fight even harder than before.

#mod navi #by the way #it it's any consolation #i commute from my parent's house to college and somehow still found desi gay people everywhere #more common than you think and it's kind of scary #like boo where were you in my most formative years #now its gay people everywhere #ALSO #MY MOM TOLD ME THE SAME THING ABT MARRYING COUSINS #im pretty sure she was trying to scare me bc she's jealous of how much freedom i have at my age that she didn't #i straight up told her she was being weird and gross like no one does that not even people living in the motherland #that shut her up and put some perspective i think lmao

[topaztimes]

Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that

#Giving time... #Still more time... #Wouldn't want to plague any previews #Maybe another filler. Just for some fun #Is this enough? #It certainly is now #Alright start: #I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight #'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state / #/of constant self-loathing #I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea #What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not / #/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed #I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore #I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done #I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though #I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I / #/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward #I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme #Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way #God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs #It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my / #/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days #Literally what am I doing this for #And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with / #/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life #Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me #Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus #I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore #It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until

[rivilu]

Hey hello can i be sad on main or will the heavens unleash 7 thousand ravenous hawks upon me

#river rambles #vent post #tw for basically everything bellow just saying it now #sorry the last 8 years of not a single reason to live are getting to me <3 #i hate being alive i hate being trans I hate being autistic and not able to work like a normal person #to provide my transition to myself instead of having to rely on parents that kiind of support me? (dad) or are straight up pulling - #the 'you're making MEEE SUICIDAL!' card (mom) #i hate not being able to talk to people like a normal person #it's not even just the autism anymore i feel like i've been the worst version of me for such a long time i dont even know where to start #dysphoria is so fucking bad and getting worse every single day and any semblance of trans positivity winds up feeling toxic #like even body neutrality feels like an insult. im at a point where i want to tear myself apart just when i'm sitting still #i hate being told to wait for things to happen #the dreaded 'it'll get better' #it hasnt #it's been EIGHT. FUCKING. YEARS #nothing helps. i've exhausted every option within reach. no words of encouragement help at all #literally the only OPTION is to wait. and i've had! ENOUGH OF IT! #I've dreaded pride every year because it feels more and more like i'm living a lie being there. im not PROUD of being trans. #All i feel about it is misery. All the time. I hate my body so fucking much i cant do a single thing i want to do #most of my early years after figuring out im trans i tried to just ignore it and focus on pride about my sexuality #since i couln't transition then anyway #but as time went on and i became an adult and there's still not a single glimpse of light on the horizon. I can't focus on it anymore #because you know. those things are interconnected. So now i just feel like an unlovable piece of shit! #Like i will never be what i was meant to be. what i want to look like. #and i dont even want to try for any manner of relationship before that . because even if anyone DID like the current version of me #that's not even me #birth is a curse and existence is a prison etcetera

[stonersolana]

it's so fun when the people who took everything from you claim to be the real victims. like, y'all want to dump a years-long friendship in a dumpster fire just cause you're in a romantic relationship and that's the only thing that matters to you, go fucking ahead. but don't pretend to be the victim when you were the one who destroyed it.

you don't get to take literally everything from me and claim that you were the real victim when the only thing you didn't take was the skin off my bones.

#sunbun speaks #i keep having nightmares/memories of the 3-ish people who literally left me with nothing but the clothes on my back #and kept asking for more because it wasn't enough #or the fact that every single one of them basically turned into whoever their partner wanted them to be and would ditch their own parents #if their partner told them they didn't like them anymore #using me as a scapegoat whenever they had negative feelings and accuse me of being the source instead of a voice of reason #or just straight up getting pissed at me when i wasn't going to play their toxic game #and by the end of it all i had nothing: no clothes or any of my stuff no money nowhere to go and no friends #they destroyed my life while i was barely a blip in theirs #people who grew up with wealthy parents are fucking pricks #because yeah that's another thing they all had in common other than being codependent af: they all grew up with upper-middle class parents #they just took and took and took and tossed me aside #cause btw it's really hard to get back a lifetimes worth of stuff in only a few years with no money #i still remember everything they took from me and not just material possessions #and in the end they wanted me to apologize to them for being inadequate in filling my role as emotional punching bag #only for none of them to feel any remorse and get mad at me for implying they did anything that i didn't deserve #even looking at my life now i only have my partner and my kids #as much as i try i can't fix the fact that I'm autistic which means i will always struggle with human interaction #so it's not like it's easy to make friends #especially not friends who don't religiously devote themselves at the alter of toxic monogamy and view anyone else as 'extra' and disposable #in a matter of three years those three people took everything from me and despite it being 6 years later i am STILL recovering what i lost #how can you destroy someone's life who never did anything to you and still consider yourself the victim

[pansyfemme]

height of my night is my dad talking abt the gay bars in town and being like ‘oh that ones a straight meat market!! naked guys dancing on tables and all that!’ and then i was like. isnt the one you used to go to. and he was like. yeah

#before my dad met my mom he was deeply in love with this trans woman who did drag shows at this local gay bar #and he would go every night. she died of aids but he still speaks abt her so fondly its sweet #but this particular club is what he calls ‘full of old fashioned queers’ #the windows were still painted so no one could see inside type old fashioned. #and he talks abt it so fondly but also he’s like. a bit more open abt why he visited so often #now my brother and i are older and also gay #men lmaooo… #my dad straight up told me the best cruising spots one time. that was fun #i think a lot of time when ppl think of older bi men they think of guys who identified as straight or gay then settled down and #figured out when they were older but my dad’s known he’s bisexual since he was #15. and like. he was rlly in gay culture at the time #and its tbh nice hearing abt it. its not like. #super graphic what he says but i acknowledge that my dad had other partners before my mom. some of them men. #and its just like kinda cool to have that elder queer prescense in my family #of course my moms the same way. she talks abt her life working on all #women farms. and living in san francisco and . #being in this lesbian scene in the 80’s and its so cool.. #i will admit. i didnt know my parents were queer until i had already come out #but they never. hid it from us it just never came up. #but once it did it was rlly nice to have that perspective. #bc my parents are from a different era of queer ppl it was hard to get them to understand transition at first #bc my dad didnt really know the difference between trans people and ‘crossdressers’ bc a lot of ppl considered themselves as both #when he was in the scene. #but they learned and its just nice to have multiple generations of queer ppl in the family #its comforting. #knowing that my brother and i are educating them as much as they are to us.

[just-rogi]

.

#like I’m sorry #I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me #and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard #and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles #but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way #and has never worried about money as a kid #and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course #but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book #like she did everything she can to understand and relate #but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone #because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am #and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping #I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind #but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child #that are impacting by daily life and interactions #and like I feel so fucking alone #and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING #I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops #I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd #especially not therapists of color #I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months #and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me #like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having #flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking #and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me #because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before #like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very #upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis #and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it?? #I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary

[harrowharkwife]

it would be cool if talking to my mom could help me feel better for once instead of. making everything worse

#sometimes i get so violently jealous of people who have good relationships with their moms #and who can go to their mom with any problem and just get a hug and some good advice #or even just reassurance that it will be okay #like my mom came over for a couple hours and i literally told her yesterday about how depressed i am #and that it's really bad and that i need to go on antidepressants #so why tf did she think i was in any frame of mind to be nagged for two hours straight about logistics and plans for the future #like. i don't have any bandwidth right now!!! for anything!!! take the fucking hint!!! #i ended up bursting into tears and telling her to either knock it off or get out of my house and. well. she left! so #my dad is usually my supportive parent but he's dealing with such bad depression and burnout of his own rn #that i can't really go to him with anything cause he's at capacity and i don't want to stress him out #just. im tired I'm so fucking tired im exhausted there's too much to worry about and she came over and put like twenty more things #on my plate #and tried to pick fights #and i just. idk. i wish i could rely on her. but i can't and i know that and IDK why i keep trying #delete later

[pinkseas]

my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode

#emeto tw #emeto cw #in tags -> #i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse #like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but #i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing #i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck) #and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just. #easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH #and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story #and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc #ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there #she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back #and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it) #i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow #bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again #and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT #SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS #like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it' #but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay. #surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD #alyalyoxenfree

[valaratminaforaldrar]

remember when i didn't feel guilty and embarrassed for taking up a tiny little space in conversation

#heavy sigh. i want to kill myself for legal reasons that is a joke<3 #but obviously i'm not mentally ill because i never outwardly struggled with school #and it didn't damage me permanently that no one cared or noticed anything when i was younger #and it absolutely didn't hurt me permanently when i straight up told my mom about problems i had and she did nothing about it #and it doesn't feel like a lot of salt poured into the gaping wound when my parents now actually give a fuck and help my siblings #the way they never helped me. why would that sting #stares at a wall for 38 hours

[gaytobymeres]

if my parents dont suspect im dating someone at this point then idk when they will

#technically not dating dating but we do go on dates? #idk the minutae of relationship definitions and expectations and stuff are mostly unknown to me #okay yeah my mum is literally rn asking hella questions about her #in a nice positive but also ulterior motivey type way #honestly would be less awkward if my parents just straight up (gay up?) ask me lol #anyway yeah im getting the train up to see her and normally im not about that because getting the train makes me anxious #but ill be fine. hopefully. #im terrified of missing my stop #wah so much anxiety but actually feel a bit better now ive told my mum #a significant part of me is still closeted and 17 even though i am 24 and also out #there was a comic or something i read the other week that talked about the 'trauma of coming out' and its like yes actually that makes a lo #of sense #but i am trying to be less repressed. i was even telling my friends at uni about the date we were on on saturday

[herawell]

.

#microdosing on teenage rebellion in my twenties by wearing shorts even when my legs are hairy #and when I’m outside in public/around my housemates/people are over #negativity cw #when I moved into my own place in May and my parents were helping me move my stuff #after everythijg was done and settled my mom sat me down on the new living room couch #and very seriously told me that I’m now a working woman living on her own #aka a fully fledged adult #and that it’s very important to shave my legs regularly and cover up #including in front of any future housemates/roommates #(leg hair was a constant source of contention in my teenage years hence the serious sit-down discussion) #my fucking flatmates who I would be fucking living with 24/7 #this is the last thing she tells me before they leave me in my new place #(well it was not the literal last thing. but yeah) #so now I wear shorts whenever it’s hot even if I have hair growth and there are ppl around #body shaming cw #kind of #she also said ‘your future partner might not like leg hair’ #to which I said ‘if my significant other doesn’t like it then they can get the fuck out’ straight to her face #anyway yeah #still kind of mad

[mejomonster]

Truly So many people I grew up looking up to were bi, fucking big yikes that my family still lied and insisted bi people weren't real until I was 17 learned to find bi educational sites and learned that was a big fucking lie to keep me from loving myself I fucking guess

#rant #this includes my mom. who on dating history and ppl loved is definitely bi she just thinks 'bi isnt real' so anyone #who likes a different gender is straight in her mind even if they like ALL gwnders #which i think is a reflection of whatever biphobia she went thru but annoying it hit me by extension :/ #but yeah like. even outside of obvious bi figures #my parents would watch Star Trek The X Files The Rocky Horror Picture Show Rebel Without A Cause #play Prince Freddy Mercury Madonna #like. thats queer culture Babey. i went to a Queer theater play last month #and the waiting playlist was all songs i knew every line to from childhood #david bowie. marilyn monroe. like?? some like it hot. like??? #and then now that im an adult my mom is still usually the FIRST to recommend me queer western stuff #shell be like How to Get Away With Murder! Black Sails! The 100! Orphan Black! Lost Girl! Jennifers Body! #like? wild to me she lied and told me bi didnt exist growing up #meanwhile literally everything she watches just kinda requires u to accept basic premise bi people are explicitly real and the leads #TORCHWOOD. we both love the FUCK out of torchwood and bi jack harkness (duh hes like us for fucks sake) #like. is it really any wonder they had a queer kid when why the hell wouldnt i turn out just like them #thwy coulda looked in the fucking mirror and went Oh

[areyoudoingthis]

I understand 100% of nothing

#my plans for today were coming home straight from work and taking a nap before my doctor's appointment #instead they involved staying an extra hour at work because there was chaos with my first years #some of them were being absolute shitheads to one of their classmates who's adopted and has two dads #and a coworker made me reconsider my entire understanding of the universe by informing me that the former principal that i thought the #world of and who made me fall in love with teaching again is apparently being an asshole to everyone now because she quit (on purpose. #because she wanted to. because she became a school inspector) and the school has a new principal #which like?????? what did you think was going to happen??????? #what did you expect us to do?????? #what do you mean you care more about your own ego than about the children you taught me should be the center of everything we do #i don't even know how to begin processing anything that happened today #and my coworker was a shithead too on top of everything else cause she was like what school are you working at???? how come you don't know #any of this???? #WELL WAS IT ON THE NEWSPAPER CAROL #how the hell was i supposed to know no one fucking told me #and I'm upset that no one bothered to inform me the school and therefore us as teachers are apparently under attack #i don't need the stupid gossip but someone should have told me I'm apparently working under hostile circumstances and parents may randomly #decide to pick on me #I'm just so mad at everyone grown ups are the fucking worst kids are absolutely right #anyway i didn't need to see my therapist about my parents being assholes but i need to talk to her after this #alex txt

[sleepless-crows]

this is my burnout era

#watch a straight a student's grades go 📉📉 #i feel like i saw this coming #my parents always told me i should learn how to fail. hey guess what #i know they wouldn't care if i got low grades and i only halfway care #i might return back next quarter but honestly the things piling up right now are not great #subjects that i found really easy weeks ago i just cannot think about #my brain is like not working properly anymore #it hates thinking #oh well #i should go back to studying

[sluttyten]

😠.

#so I had tentative plans to go get my nose pierced tonight #but then the other day my parents were like hey let’s go visit your brother this weekend #so I told the people I was gonna go get pierced with that I can’t do it today #which was fine and good and one of them is still going today but the rest of us are probably going like next week #but then it stormed today and knocked out the power at my grandparents’ house so my parents have been over there for damn near 2 hours #trying to prevent my grandparents basement from flooding and my mom just came home to grab something and told me that we might not be going #so you’re telling me that I could have actually gone and gotten my nose pierced #and like five minutes ago the guy who was still going tonight to get pierced sent me a snap of him there at the piercing studio and like 😭😭 #I definitely could’ve gone 😭 but also idk if my parents get this problem solved at my grandparents then we could still maybe go #but if not and they decide we can go like next weekend I’m gonna be upset because I’ve already canceled these plans plus my best friend want #wanted* me to house sit with her and I told her I couldn’t #and if we go next weekend then I’m going to have to cancel theee nose piercing plans again and they’ll just think I’m not being serious #about wanting it but I’ve literally been talking about it for like 2 weeks straight now #also not to mention I’m sitting here in my house fully packed and we were completely ready to go when my aunt called to tell my mom about #the power being out and their parents freaking out that the basement was going to flood which apparently it kinda is #anyway this is stupid but I just wanted to complain about it #because I feel like if I decide just to like settle in and start watching something or actually writing more for the new unholy chp then my #parents are gonna get home and be ready to go #but if not then I’m really just sitting here wasting time like I was ready to go #not fair that I had multiple avenues of plans tonight and now none of them are probably happening