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tricksterrune · 2 years

Note

How about a commentary on 'Cold Comfort'? :

Thank so much for asking! This one def needs to go under a cut

(is the commentary supposed to be as long or maybe longer than the actual fic or is that just me?)

The keys were still jingling in the lock when his fingers darted to the gun tucked into his waistband. Nobody should be stupid enough to break into Captain Cold’s place, but it didn’t look like the lair of a supercriminal. It looked like a 2 bedroom apartment on the 4th floor with a busted elevator. Because that’s what it was.

apparently I think a lot about Rogues' living spaces Also he’s sure that no burglar would be stupid enough to watch TV on his couch. And apparently stay until the owner came back.

“You’re out of cereal.“

Len exhaled and he bent down to pick up the paper bag full of groceries and the six pack. He entered and toed off his shoes.

“Hey James.“

From the tiny hallway he could see the glare of the TV and a leg sticking up from the back of the couch.

“You’re also out of scotch.“

those lines of dialogues and the mental image that comes later just came to me and are responsible for me writing this fic at all. Now, do you think he consumed those separately or did he at some point ate a bowl of cereal with scotch instead of milk?

That bad, huh? He brought the food to the tiny kitchen (not like he cooked much anyway) and after a brief moment of hesitating, took the beer with him when he went into the living room.

James was sprawled upside down on his couch, the TV showing some informercials. There’s an empty box of frosted flakes next to a trail of cereal crumbs and an empty bottle. Shit, that had been the good stuff, too. Mick had stolen that for him a while back when….he didn’t even remember.

James has always had a unique way of asking for comfort and emotional support. He demanded it by breaking in and not leaving. Len prefered the usual interactions between the guys – lots of alcohol, watching some sports game and silence interrupted by grunts or threats to the referee. That’s how he dealt with shit anyway. He’s also aware of the fact that it’s seldom enough and that all of them were a bit (a lot) screwed up.

Toxic masculinity is the problem and the solution is a guy who doesn't give a fuck, flying or otherwise. I hc he often functions as emotional glue and somehow domesticates the lone wolves who just get worn down by him constantly being touchy-feely (handshakes, hugs, jumping on shoulders, invading personal space without a second thought). Insert the line of modern society constructing intricate rituals for men to touch each other and JJ bulldozes through it . So at some point the Rogues are aware that their usual method of stoically ignoring the problem and getting blackout drunk isn't really healthy. But they haven't gotten used to a better alternative (talking, therapy) and sort of go the middle way.

Silently he put the beers down on the couch table and sat down next to James.

“You’re a god among men.“

He’s drunk. Which was worrying, because James has this weird thing about control. You wouldn’t think that he was the type, that the same person who robs a bank with half a prank shop hidden on his person, who jumps headfirst down a skyscraper and whose personal motto is “James YES!“ is also the person who needs to be in absolute control of his facilities at all times. Len remembered a young James, basically a teenager lying about his age, joining the Rogues; never telling the truth about his past. Never trusting them to have his back.

But the Rogues also domesticated him (the word isn't quite right, but I'm sticking with it). He probably wore the biggest grin at the beginning, being all smiles and sunshine when inside he was quite calculating and scheming, concerned that if he wasn't make jokes, he'd be the butt of one. All flash, no substance. Gradually the Rogues wore him down just by being themselves - dependable, trustworthy (personally yes, professionally no), authentic. He begins to get drunk with them, tells a few personal stories and slowly comes out of his shell.

He had seen the potential back then, that by working together they could be so much more than the sum of their parts. On the surface, James was all smiles and jokes, always ready to have their backs. But it took a lot of time until he’d begun to understand that the guys would do the same for him. He’d always pretend to drink way more than he did – easy when the other Rogues were drunk and never question why their glasses were being refilled, easy because the Trickster was and still is the best con man Len has ever seen.

That's important because JJ could pretend to be fine and they'd never know the difference (Len thinks). To Len, JJ is vulnerable on purpose which is a sign of how much he trusts Len but also freaks Len out because he is the guy who needs emotional support, he has no idea how to give it

But he’d let his guard down, got drunk on an epic party that Len can’t recall except by remembering the fallout. He woke up in Sam’s car in a Big Belly’s parking lot. The car’s trunk was filled with luke warm apple pies, but no Sam. James had come to on the couch, squeezed between Mick’s brawn and Mark’s long limbs (how they all fit on the ratty couch Len had never been able to figure out), wearing a bathrobe over his costume and having his first real hangover.

I see this as the spiritual successor to god-knows-how-many fics in my LJ days describing ludicrous outcomes of Rogues parties where they end up in unlikely places or circumstances with no recollection of how they got there.

Also JJ's first hangover was physically a kick in the teeth, but emotionally liberating. He trusted them enough to let his guard down and drink (really drink) and the ultimate sign of trust: falling asleep. I hc that JJ needs to feel absolutely safe in order to sleep, sets up traps and alarm system in unfamiliar places (you should see the boobie traps in his house). And they didn't abuse his trust and from then on he was impossible to get rid of

Something had shifted and James had realized that he had friends, true friends. And that translated into James using them for emotional support. It had been weird at first (well, it still was) . Hugs. Talking about feelings. Confronting issues. But he’d become used to it. It was just like James to manipulate them for his and eventually their own good.

Len looked down at James who was still positioned upside down and looking in the direction of the TV, even though he couldn’t even see the screen from where his head hung off the seat of the couch.

That's it, the mental image that launched....well, this fic. JJ upside down on the couch while the TV blares some informercials, drunk off his ass

“Never substituted milk for scotch myself, worth a try?“

“Nah,“ James admitted.

Yeah, he totally did. And regretted it.

He cracked open a beer and took a sip. Then he drew the gun from his waistband and sprayed a fine mist onto it.

Len is nothing if not practical. I think there should be more fic of them using their fantastic weapon for mundance reasons. Like the post Lia once made, I think it was about a man in Canada using a flamethrower to combat snow in his driveway

While the TV presenter with the not-quite-jokerized forced smile talked about the virtues of the new revolutionary kitchen appliance strong enough to grind concrete, James slowly righted himself. He put a hand on his right temple and immediately Len reached out to steady him. James couldn’t stand being dizzy. More control or deeper issues, more likely…

That is in point me projecting my medical issues onto my favorite character, but also the hc that he needs to feel in absolute control of his body. He doesn't fall unless he chooses to. Gravity can suck it if he feels like it. So, feeling dizzy is wrong, just wrong.

In Len’s world, people at this point were expected to brush him off, claim they were fine and sit in stony silence. James instead slumped against his side. There was nothing except the rustling of clothes until he found a comfortable position. Okay, Len… friend in an emotional slump, broke in to see you, drunk some of your best booze…

Talk? Did normal people talk in this situation? Hug? Len had found out recently that physical interaction didn’t bother him as much as it used to. Sure, he’d been expecting punches for most of his life, but when he spent years getting hugs and encouraging claps, he warmed to the idea.

See? Emotional domestication through touch. JJ has spent years manipulating them into being healthier

Len leant back, taking James with him and placing an arm gently around his shoulders.

Len, provider of comfort, wearer of the best sweaters. He pays extra for Gambi to make the warmest clothes for him (professional necessity), as a result they're the softest and warmest things ever and highly coveted by the others. There's probably an embarrassing photo (if he felt embarrassment or shame) of JJ having a catnap in Len's parka. (indulge me). But probably also of everyone else who can fit into it (a cute one of Lisa, one of Piper with the sleeves too big for his hands, Mark with a cup of tea and a book floating on a literal cloud, Digger mummified in all the warm clothes during a proper winter..., including a grumbling Roscoe when the heat cut out at some point who would never admit it to a living soul but who felt like wearing a metaphorical cloud

“Feel like talking?“

“Not really.“

“Will talking make it better though?“

“I’m the manipulative bastard here, doesn’t suit you, Len,“ James huffed.

Touchè. But JJ knows Len's right. The shoe is on the other foot now.

Len took another sip from his beer. The TV droned on, the cheery presenters jamming all sorts of fruits, vegetables and other food stuffs in a vaguely futuristic looking machine. Both watched in silence as the device churned out a 3 course dinner in 3 minutes.

“I thought I saw my parents today,“ James confessed in a quiet voice that Len wouldn’t have believed came from him had he not heard it himself.

Would you believe it took me the longest time to actually come up with something that would rattle him? And that would provoke the thoughtless 'I need warmth and comfort from my big brother figure now' response? The usual go-to is the trauma from Underworld Unleashed, but I don't think he would go to one of the Rogues except Piper for that. Mr and Mrs Jesse are a far cry from the literal devil, losing your found family practically overnight and then having their mindless zombies hunt you for sport, but I guess that's what you call a backstory wound. All Rogues have family issues and he isn't above that (much as he'd like to pretend otherwise).

It felt like someone had poured a bucket full of ice water down his shirt. Shit.

One time after a job, they ended up taking James to the ER for what seemed to be a complicated leg fracture. Fake IDs were in order, but they still were on edge seeing as James had sustained that injury while they were trying to rob the new Kahndaq exhibition. Hadn’t worked out. Roscoe and Sam had accompanied him (they could pull off the presentable, slightly authoritative look that made people not question their presence too much), claiming to be a pair of brothers whose cousin had had bike accident. While James had been mostly out of it on painkillers, the doctors had performed X-rays. And found dozens of fractures – old ones, some a deade old, long healed. Arms, legs, ribs, wrists…

I sort of took this scene from a fic I have yet to write (story of my life). It was supposed to be set in my then even more nebulous YJ sort of reboot verse and JJ actually gets knocked out by a villain and th JLA takes him to their headquarters for a checkup. They do an X-ray for some reason and find lots of fractures. Tensions rise (violation of privacy, outrage, shock), then people begin to ask who would be responsible (Flash's name gets mentioned once but dropped quickly) and people conclude that it must have been the Rogues. Heroes question whether they left a vulnerable kid to be hit by supervillains for years. Tensions rise even more when someone (I'm still torn between Superman or Batman) points out that most of the fractures are in fact too old to have been caused by the Rogues or the Flash. (Superman would recognize that from his xray vision, Batman with medical knowledge). Cue pause. Then heroes present calculate a timeline and are still upset because they still left a vulnerabe teen with a gang of criminals. Someone starts to blame the Flash. And then Flash reveals that he sort of audited the Rogues without their knowledge and actually agreed that the Rogues were the best place and protection for a young Trickster. And then people argue loudly and JJ steals away quietly because that is not their business, he is hurt and vulnerable and just wants to get out. It's then that he uses his prototype invisibility cloak for the first time.

Sam and Roscoe’s shock had been so genuine so the doctors hadn’t believed that they were responsible. Still, they had hightailed it out of there with James later through - to Roscoe’s infinite disgust – the shiny reflection of a bedpan. As James was lying on a couch, leg elevated by a bunch of pillows, high out of his mind, Sam and Roscoe had relayed to the others what they had learned. All of them remembered bits he’d told them – parents let him down, ambitious but untalented acrobats, greedy for more – and agreed quietly – but with extremely cold fury and determination – that James’ parents would never set foot in Central City. They quietly kept watch – as they did for others’ family members, old friends and foes alike – and had so far suceeded.

I hc the Rogues have a list of personae non gratae and viciously defend their own. From yet another fic I have yet to write: JJ had distanced himself somewhat from the Rogues and stayed with Blue Devil, turning sort of legit. While events unfold, the Jesses try to come to Central. Cue the Rogues (having recovered from being soulless zombies) throw them out (literally); but JJ doesn't know. Cue even more events: Nightwing gets a message from Haly's circus to see them and decides to take JJ for bonding (that's the verse where they're dating). JJ gets yelled at - turns out that his parents are blackmailing Haly's because they figured out that Dick Grayson is Nightwing (the Batman connection totally escapes them though, that's why they're ballsy enough to blackmail him) and want money from the circus. When Nightwing turns up to help, the director thinks that JJ is in on it. At the worst moment possible the Jesses actually stroll in to get their money. JJ just runs and hides, totally petrified and humiliated (wanting Nightwing to see him in a positive light is a thing for him). He hasn't seen his parents in years and is not prepared to deal with them and freaks out.

The Jesses try to latch onto that panic, talk about them being a really family, and crank up the manipulation to 11. Then they leave.

In a dramatic heart wrenching scene (that, again, does not exist yet) JJ decides to call his family. But from a 3rd person pov where you can only hear his side of the conversation. But who shows up? His real family, the Rogues, who drove up to see him (in two cars because people brought kids and the 2nd car is late bc Digger doesn't ask for directions. At that point it gets revealed that the Rogues have been kicking the Jesses out of Central for years (at one point onto a passing garbage disposal boat) and never told JJ because they didn't want to worry him)

“Chill, Len,“ James said with a hollow smile at his own pun, “it wasn’t them. Just…looked really similar.“

At this point Len noticed the crushed beer can in his hand. He put it down

“You know I’d push them off a skyscraper if they dared to show their faces, right?“ Len asked.

“Seriously?“

“Or off a bridge. Or… we got tons of ways to make people hurt and disappear, to be honest. You could pick your favorite,“ he suggested.

Comfort, Len-style. Threats of violence, booze and manly cuddles.

James laughed. “How generous!“

“Sam alone has like a thousand ways – trap them in a mirror. Or…something worse. A spoon. Shiny bowl. Digger’s shaving mirror,“ he offered.

“Go on,“ James said, sounding sleepy, but …happier. More like himself. The Rogues would always have his back.

“Mick knows every seedy place downtown and Mark uptown. Piper got connections. Roscoe launched a fucking satellite two years ago, we got options here.“

James hummed, a warm boneless weight against Len’s side.

“We could send Digger after them. He’d stuff them into a box and mail them to Australia. Or…hell, we just unleash Lisa.“

James’ breath had evened out. Len dragged the comforter over him. What a night

Len is just DONE. An actual emotional conversation? Even if he never directly addressed the issue, he is wiped out and needs to recharge. Also now he is trapped on the couch bc he is JJ's pillow now. Cat rules apply, now he can't move.

#fic commentary #flash rogues

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unstoppableforcce · 4 years

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I’m in completely awe since the last chapter of dark side and I can’t get enough of it, so can I request 💀, 👄, 🛁, 🛏, 🌑, 😤, 🧨 for that series? It’s absolutely okay if u don’t feel like writing all of them, hope u feel better tomorrow, I know how shitty those sudden waves of sadness are so take care of yourself. I’m sending u some love and hugs hope u can feel it wherever u are.

omg thank you so much !!! for everything !! I feel much better this morning and I def felt your hugs :)))

injury — it’s not that bad

because of course that’s what this macho man is going to say, whether it’s true or not

he stumbles his way home with a searing welt on his chest where he took a bullet through the Kevlar, barely managing each breath through what were probably broken ribs, and dials you up like it’s nothing

and you come over like it’s nothing, until you see him

you force him back against the kitchen counter, digging haphazardly through his drawers for his medical kit he swears is in there as he still maintains the belief that it isn’t that bad

“do you know what you’re doing?”

all you give him is a cold stare as you push his shirt up over his head and drag an alcohol wipe over the welt, making any further commentary come out as hisses as he drinks his glass of whiskey over your head while you worked

he doesn’t ask about CIA medical training, he doesn’t question your ability anymore after that, he just sit back against the counter and let’s you work, in awe of your ability to do it without asking him how he got it

and once you finish, laying a bandage over it and wrapping up his chest with methodical hands, you grab the glass from him and pour another for yourself

“bad day?” he manages out as you down your first shot and pour another

“better than yours.”

he doesn’t doubt it, he just reached to grab another glass from his empty kitchen cabinets and slides it to you.

“do you want to talk about it?” he mutters as the two of you continue drinking

but you just shake your head and he doesn’t ask further questions

and that night you stay over without any sex at all

kiss — it’s not an office romance

it’s not an office romance but sometimes, he sits there watching you work when his files become too exhausting, and misses your touch

it’s not an office romance but when you make yourself a cup of coffee, you make him one as well, and he does the same

it’s not an office romance but he swears you keep your blouse one button underdone just for him

it’s not an office romance but the day he catches you heading into the file room, he can’t help but follow, scan to ensure the coast is clear before grabbing you

he can repeat the sentiment a thousand times in his head but that doesn’t excuse the way he’s pinned you to a filing cabinet and pressed his lips to yours

maybe it is an office romance, but just the most unusual one to have ever existed

and maybe you’d agree, but for now, you were letting him kiss you instead of finding the file you needed, Stechner could wait

bathing — shower sex screams casual

or at least, someone is screaming and maybe it’s you

he’d do anything to have his hands on you at all times, and even after a long session in bed, he can’t help but follow you into the shower

“I thought you were going to change the sheets,” you murmered out as he pressed you face first into the shower wall

“in a minute,” he’d press kiss after kiss into your neck as the water poured over you both

and after the two of you came down again, panting into each other, desperately trying to catch your breaths, he’d start washing your hair mindlessly

his fingers carding back through your hair, massaging throughout and riddling your body even more with his scent as his shampoo suds ran down your spine

you couldn’t help but let your head fall back against his chest as his fingers rubbed deeper and deeper, your eyes clenched shut but his hands trying to keep the suds from your face anyways

there was nothing casual about this, both your hands scaling intimately up each others bodies, but neither one of you said anything

neither of you wanted to admit that this was more than it was

sleeping & dark — nightmares

he got so used to sleeping beside you peacefully that the first night you began thrashing in a hot sweat, he swore he was imagining it

but then he opened his eyes to survey his dark room and found you as far on the other side of the bed as you could be, all of the covers thrown off of you, your legs pulled up into your chest as you whimpered into the pillow

“hey, wake up.” sensitivity was never his strong suit but his hands remained gentle as he reached over to your quivering form

he knew how bad nightmares could get, he had been known to have a few of his own, especially after that night with Carrillo and the boys in the alley...

he knew he had to wake you up before your unconscious mind drove you insane

but the second he laid a hand in you, you snapped awake and practically flung yourself out over the edge of the bed, still a distance away from him

“I didn’t mean to—“

“no,” you huffed, out of breath as you wiped you sweat soaked hair back from your face, “it’s my fault, sorry to wake you”

“you don’t have to apologize”

“yeah...”

you got to your feet, walking around the bed, trying to get out of the room entirely when he caught up to stop you in the doorway

“it’s okay—“

“no, I just need to catch my breath”

he didn’t press it, he let you pace out in the living room while he settled back into the couch, just watching as you rubbed your hands over your eyes again and again

usually he would’ve down at least half a bottle of whiskey or maybe half a pack of cigarettes by now but you just paced, back and forth, threatening to wear out the wood in front of him

and when you finally cooled down, you fell into the couch next to him and he let you lean you head into his shoulder without saying a word

he didn’t want to push and you were grateful, because the last thing you wanted to do was answer questions

so the two of you just laid together, eventually falling back asleep on the couch, his arm thrown protectively over your shoulders to keep you close

jealousy — the handsy bartender

he didn’t know why he agreed to go out with his team, it was probably only because you were there, otherwise this was just no longer his scene

his DEA guys, like stoddard and that other kid whose name he never remembered, were really just kids and all they wanted to hear were stories about Escobar, which was why he avoided going out, 9 times out of 10

but this one time, you had ask and there he was, telling them about the mansion they chased Escobar out of while he sipped on a beer

and he was really only telling the story because you were paying him all of your attention, practically hanging on every word like his whole team was around the table

until you got up to get yourself another drink at the bar and took all your attention with him

the bartender was paying you all the attention you had just been paying him, offering you free shots and keeping you there while his story faded out on his tongue

he excused himself when he saw the bartender reach over and brush a hair back behind your ear, telling the team he would buy the next round just to make his way to the bar

“yeah, five beers, couple of double shots of whiskey?” he repeated a few times until the bartender pulled away from you and got to work

“you’re buying for the table?” you quirked you’re brow his way as you sipped on your drink, perched beside him as he waited

“yeah, would’ve bought yours too if you stayed at the table.”

“is that jealousy I hear?”

he laughed into his chest before turning back to you with an impossibly electric smile barely pulling at his lips, more than you were used to getting

“you should get your hearing checked”

by the time the two of you made it back to his apartment, the flirty bartender was far from either of your minds

but the sentiment, the jealously he displayed, was forever engrained in yours

unexpected — early morning kiss

he wasn’t awake yet, not after the night the two of you had, but you were, and you needed to get going, Stechner had called you in

the last thing you wanted to do was wake him before he was ready to be awake though, even as you stood at the foot of the bed, dressed for work. it was just too early

so you left a key on the counter and a note on the door, reminding him to lock up once he left

and, surprising you almost as much as it surprised him, you placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and left for the day

he smiled into it, blissfully unaware of what was happening only to wake up an hour later to the sun rising through the windows and a cold bed beside him

he wandered around your apartment, fixing himself a cup of coffee and pulling on his clothing pieces one by one, waiting for you to get back from wherever you had gone when he found the key and the note

“Stechner called, I had to leave early, lock up for me when you go <3”

the heart had been so casually scrubbed along side your rushed handwriting that it too him a few seconds to recognize it for what it was, but his heart almost skipped a beat as he did

he grabbed the key, twirling it between his fingers and scanning your bare apartment with a chuckle under his breath

you trusted him enough to just leave him alone in your home when you could have easily kicked him out, no matter the hour, he probably deserved it for the number of times he did the same thing to his girls who stayed over

he couldn’t help but smile at the thought as he sipped his coffee and moved back into the bedroom to get dressed fully

#javier peña x reader #javier pena #javier pena x reader #relliot headcannons #narcos #dark side

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awakened-harmony · 3 years

Text

Name: Vitality (Vita) ‘Aala’ Ekeri

Nicknames: Vee

Voice claim: WIP though it’s very rich and warm, Soothing

Birth sign: Pisces (Febuary 20th)

Species: Keloul

Gender: Female

Height: 5'2

Weight: 120 pounds

Age: 250-275ish years old give or take

Sexuality: Bisexual

Occupation: High ranked healer within’ the royal guard

Canon universe: Underfell (But she can be found in UT/US/other AU’s if asked)

Battle theme: Phaedra

ATK: 100 DEF: 400 HP: 1000

* Smells like Cotton Candy

Current happenings: N/A TLDR: Vita was born on the surface to religious parents, Killed her first mate who she had been bethrothed to by accident, Eventually met drusil as he was one of the kings guards. Fell in love and spent a few happy years together before the monster v human war struck and drusil was killed a week before they were all sealed underground. Found out she was pregnant with their child and has raised him underground ever since. Hoping for the day they can all return to the surface.

History:

Vita or Vitality as is her full name though she rarely goes by it nor does she like when other people use it as to her it’s needlessly unique and she far prefers just vita, She was born and raised in a small religious oceanic village a few hours from Mount Ebott and grew up under the strict though at the time she thought fair ruling of her parents, Learning the ways of the average house wife so to speak. Cooking, Cleaning, Dress modestly, Avert her eyes when she caught someone’s attention. It led to her being very meek and shy for her early years though very nice to even if her parents often scolded her if they thought she was being a little ‘too’ nice for their liking though it was rare anyone saw that side of her parents, Peachy perfect in public. It was hard not to love them and their only child who dutifully followed their word.

READ MORE BECAUSE DAMN THIS GOT LONG

She was bethrothed to another, A monster named Orinda, Her and his Parents had declared it so, they’d be a perfect match to live and thrive, Have kids and continue on the family legacy and get married she did. Though unfortunately for her, He was a dick behind closed doors, Not that she would have had any choice in the matter whether he was nice or not and though some part of her deep down resented the situation she was in, She’d been raised that she just needed to be better. She just needed to do her best, She just needed to try and everything would be okay. They’d be okay, They’d be a happy little family just like her parents wanted, It wasn’t often that he struck her, So much more was said and it hurt far more then any blow. In some ways, She’s sure she would have never gotten out of there if not for that one, Fateful night. He’d come home angry, swearing and fidgety, She wasn’t sure why, She couldn’t ask. She still cooked dinner for him, Had cleaned up for him, Offered herself to him as she’d been taught. But it wasn’t enough, She wasn’t enough.

He’d struck her, Again and maybe it was a fit of rage or a desire to protect herself but she lashed out with her magic, With her healing magic. At first, he’d laughed yet then he’d spluttered, Bending over and groaning. Oh she’d never forget the way he hacked and coughed, His magic that was a odd tinge of red and orange, Blood orange perhaps? escaped out of him through his mouth. Leaking onto the floor even as she’d ran past him to get help, Help for what she’d done. But by the time she’d returned with someone, Anyone, He was far beyond any help. Only choking out that she’d done this to him before he finally collapsed and dusted.

A murderer, She was a murderer, She’d killed him were what came from the chants of her village. Outrage and outcry that spread, Spread far enough that it reached the city of Ebott and the ears of the king himself. It hadn’t been asgore yet, Rather his father. A huge, dark furred beast of a boss monster that showed up to her tiny little village and even as she quaked in torn clothes, Under the pressure of her entire village’s sheer hatred. Clamed up only by the king’s presence, He offered, No she supposed. Not offered, GAVE her a chance that she couldn’t refuse. Whether she wanted to or not. So with only a nod, She found herself whisked away by the king of monsters and his entourage of guards, She’d never see her family again, She’d made attempts to write but never got anything back so eventually. She stopped trying.

In ebott, She got trained in the ways of being a healer, A true healer with a good control over her power and her further specialization into being a midwife for Monsters, Helping to deliver plenty of children over the years. During her training, She found herself growing close to one of the king’s guards, Drusil, He’d come from a different settlement but they were the same type of monster. Oh he’d been stunning with dark, Almost black skin, His hair blended in!, Golden tinged fins and freckling along his arms and his back. He’d always been so nice to her, So goofy, so friendly and so damn stupid sometimes that it always made her giggle and though hesitant to enter a relationship again, Having to take the time to get past the conditioning her parents had put her through, He waited. It took three years but he’d waited and she eventually accepted.

She’d never been happier, His family had practically adopted her, His parents especially came to see her as a daughter and she considered them her true parents as well. She adored his few little siblings and they had a few happy years together, During this time meeting gaster and Rose to. A rumbling came by word of mouth, Of talks of rising tension and war on the frightened lips of monster kind, Seeding that doubt of worry in her belly despite drusil trying to reassure her. It would never happen, they wouldn’t go to war.

Yet even as the king passed on the throne to his son and his own bethrothed, The talk of war and rising tensions became even more prevalent and soon, War broke out, Many monsters like to say it was a war but to vita, It always seemed more like a all out slaughter. Her mate fought alongside gaster to help protect the new king and his Queen. She was a medic, She healed as best she could, Serving her own part even if she rarely saw action unless it was to protect her patients, Oh how often she’d longed for war to be over then. Longed for it to end and end it did, But not in the way she’d hoped, There’d been talks of a peace treaty a few years in, of monsters surrendering, That it’d be fine. That they’d all make it out. One last night with drusil with the promise on his lips that everything would be fine. It’d all work out...but it didn’t. Drusil, Among many of the kings other guards fell due to stopping a attempted assignation on the king.

Oh goddesses how she’d sobbed, How loud she had wailed, It was only a week after that the big final push came. To lock them underground and forget about monster kind with help of their mages, Oh they’d fought back for certain but they just lost more and more as humans grew only stronger as they gained LOVE. She was injured when a group of them had raided the medical tent, so lost from their own morals that killing the sick and injured didn’t matter to them, Injured in her attempt to save her patients, They were under her care, they couldn’t just kill them! Instead. One of them with a glint of malice she’d never yet truly seen came at her instead she though she fought. Two others held her to cease her struggling and they almost Methodically, Joyfully sliced one of her back fins off. She would have died there if not for someone hearing her screams, of pain and of fear, They’d never been able to a re-attach the ‘wing’, It scattered into dust not long after being cut off and all they could do was bandage what they could so she didn’t bleed out from the injury and helped her towards mount ebott. Still crying and weak, heart broken from all that had occurred.

She along with the remains of monsterkind were sealed below ground with a magic spell, She was numb to all that had occurred in some aspects. Throwing herself into work, Yet her healing wasn’t enough for all the monsters that fell simply do a lack of hope, A lack of supplies. There wasn’t enough food, enough water. It was around the same time that she came to the horrifying and stricken realization that she was pregnant. Oh she had thought about ending it, If the stress from the situations didn’t kill it first but...she couldn’t, She just couldn’t. It was the only bit of Drusil she had left. It was their baby. So despite all odds, She kept her child and almost a year underground (Her species gestates a bit longer then humans 9 months). She eventually gave birth with only the assistance of her surviving friend Gaster to help her, An act that almost killed her, Leaving her fitfully weak for weeks after and a few years until she truly felt 100% like herself again.

She remained a healer in the royal guard as years dragged by, Becoming accustomed to life underground like many others monsters, Focused on raising her son and teaching him to be good. Because even as their civilization stabilized, the monsters grew worse and worse. Far more befitting of their name, Many were angry, Aggressive and even violent, The king was the worst of them all and while she’d looked up to him once upon a time. The decree of collecting human souls was the final straw, She hated him and all that he stood for. She sympathized with toriel and her disappearance yet some part of her hated toriel to for leaving. For letting this lunatic take full control of the kingdom instead of sticking by to help. Yet she would only stew silently because there was nothing more she could do to help then any of the rest of monster kind.

All she hope for is the day they get released from the mountain.

#Of harmony (Vita)#My heart cries for what could have been (Underfell verse ~ Vita)#Under the seas (Headcannons)#//i decided her Undertale verse needed an actual bio in place #//since i use her so often #//also a reveal~#//vita's healing magic is so potent #//she can cause cancer!

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 4 years

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Hey Danielle! congrats on law school and getting to live in what i consider the "running state" :) i saw you said that you had sleep anxiety and i was wondering if you figured out any methods that helped you get over that? i struggle with sleep anxiety too and will lay awake for hours with all these negative thoughts or every mistake i ever made flashing through my head and it's just awful

Thank you!!! Tracktown USA baybeeee 😎🦆

lol anyway- to be totally honest with you I literally just started taking z quil every night to knock myself out (figuratively speaking). Maybe recommending sleep meds isn’t like the best solution ever but desperate times ya know

I would take it like half hour before I wanted to go to sleep. Honestly I really didn’t like the way it made me feel because if I still wanted to stay awake half an hour later I felt like my brain was super foggy and like I literally could not stay awake BUT if I knew I was def gonna be going to bed it helped me to fall asleep rather than just laying there with a racing mind for hours (it did give me some whacky dreams though)

I basically used it to get me over the hump because literally for three months I could not fall asleep a SINGLE night until late and I think at some point it went from legitimately not being able to sleep to just being so anxious over the fear of not being able to sleep that I couldn’t sleep

So anyway yeah. I wish I had a better answer but I took zquil every night basically for a few weeks until I was no longer convinced it would be impossible to sleep and then I slowly stopped and realized I could in fact sleep and it was okay, like I said I think half of it was just the fear of not being able to fall asleep that was keeping me up so once I was able to actually fall asleep for a few nights/weeks in a row that anxiety dissipated

Also I think just trying to talk yourself off the edge and calm down is really helpful, I can easily get super wound up if it’s more than like ...10 minutes and I’m still awake and I could definitely start to freak the fuck out and panic (literally me last night) OR I can chill for a sec and be like woah woah woah calm the fck down you are fINE, working yourself up is only going to keep you awake

Also I know for me the sleep anxiety is at least partially an OCD thing, my little cousin who is basically me but younger also has OCD and when we talk about sleep anxiety I feel like we’re the same person. She always turns her clock away from her so she can’t see the time (which is smart) because the later it becomes the more panicked you are probably going to feel

Also also, I think just decreasing overall stress helps with this. This past year was one of the most stressful of my life, graduating from college without a plan for the immediate future, studying for arguably the most important test of my life for months, moving in with my SO, AND moving across the country, applying to jobs across the country trying to find housing across the country etc. after I finished applying to schools last fall my overall stress levels dropped a lot and that really helped with everything else (sleep anxiety, ocd, etc.)

I’m sure the internet is full of ideas like ~yoga, meditation, no screens before bed, etc.~ but when you’re in the thick of it it’s just HARD. Also there are probably therapists out there who know much more than I do or even just talking to a friend could help

#answered

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roominthecastle · 5 years

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Hi Room, What do you think about the finale? Any theorys about why Katarina did that to Red? And what do you think about the Stranger? Thanks!

To me, the finale in general felt okay, which is strangely comforting bc it wasn’t bad. I’m good with an “okay”. “okay” is an improvement (like I still feel TBL is trying while – to use a concurrent example – GOT gave up on itself and its fans spectacularly). There are individual moments that are more than okay to me (DEMBE, the team work, esp Liz & Red, esp esp Liz taking charge and that tiny moment of synchronized tea drinking) and others are less than (e.g. the conclusion to the conspiracy plot is kinda… ?!), but overall I like how S6 played out and my excitement for (lucky number) 7 is intact. Things are in motion and interesting again, and I finally gave myself permission to do a proper, full-scale re-watch during the summer, maybe attempt to chart the timeline, too, which is sth I never expected to consider doing again. I’m even gonna read the comics. In short, this season pulled me back in the Zone.

the rest is behind a cut due to length – @ mobile app users, apologies as always

Red’s identity, Dom’s story, and Liz’s side of these things

The Stranger: Masha was bound to figure out you aren’t who you say you are. What I can’t figure out is Dom. Why would he tell her all that?Red: In an attempt to help her move on.The Stranger: And she believed him?Red: She did. So much so that she‘s decided it’s safe to bring her daughter home.The Stranger: I know Dom meant well. He shouldn’t have told her that story.

So… having seen this scene, I def have more doubts than before, anon, but I still believe that the gist of the Rassvet story (including Red == Ilya) is true. This is (imo) why Red tells Dom “I know the broad strokes, I know who I am, but I need to hear the details you used to sugarcoat the ugly truth to make it look like a fairytale”, i.e. something that Liz has a tendency to swallow (see changed man!Tim or every paternity test they show her), something she was eager to embrace here, too, despite the obvious holes bc – as she told Ressler – “it is sweet and safe, so I’m gonna overlook things that don’t add up and hope it doesn’t come crashing down on me this time”. But it does. Every time.

Whether we like it or not, this is a consistent trait in Liz, this willingness to settle for a sweet, simple story over the messy, complicated truth even when she has misgivings (see her going at Red in 219, “It wouldn’t kill you to lie just once to make someone feel good.”). She’s not stupid, she’s just scared and unsure, imo (and so is Red but, unfortunately for Liz, being pathologically secretive is still what soothes him). But when there is no sweet story available to make Liz feel good/safe or it’s no longer sustainable, that’s when she grows restless/angry and goes on the offensive until she feels safe again. She did this w/ Tim and then w/ Red, too (she literally locked both of them up to gain control), and both times we can eventually hear her say “I was scared of you but not anymore”, and both times she expresses love for a safe & sweet idea and not the full reality of these men who cannot live up to that idea, so the cycle starts up again (well, not w/ Tim as he is now dead but Red is still in the running.)

It doesn’t really matter if the answer she gets is incomplete or untrue. As long as she can make herself swallow it, as long as it brings a sense of security, she will go for it. Tim played along w/ this and that fantasy bubble collapsed every time. Red never did and never will indulge her w/ sweet delusions but by doing so, he also reduces their “feelgood” time together. He hides behind her father’s identity but for her, he breaks cover repeatedly, which to me further signals that he doesn’t wish to take on the roles associated w/ this identity in her life, which clearly clashes w/ her park bench claim of “this is who you will always be to me”. And given Liz’s track record w/ these self-soothing declarations, I think we will once again see her being contradicted.

Having heard of what’s happened btw her and Red, I think Dom decided to tailor the truth to give them a quick-fix. His story brought a sense of safety/certainty that Liz craves – sth Red refused to offer when he told her he had a secret and he had to keep it and refused to give her any embellished feel-good alternative. But now he is on edge bc some of his secrets have been spilled and it was done in a way that maximizes his discomfort (by making him look like a hero when he considers himself anything but, and, ultimately, by undermining his control over his own “narrative” around Liz). I believe this is part of the reason why he tells Dom that he likely made everything worse by telling her that story.

I hope next season they will be pushed to face more of the actual truth together – in all its ugly, messy glory – about what exactly happened and, more importantly, why. Because we still don’t know much of that. Dom only offered a taste but now Katarina is back to mix some sour to the sweet (I am hungry as I am typing this, can you tell ;)

The Stranger: well, we barely have anything to go on here but what we have is already intriguing, i.e. he grew up w/ Red, he seems to know Dom and Katarina personally, he seems to have some serious tradecraft background + connections, and he is among the v few who is trusted w/ Red’s secrets, so he is inner inner circle for sure (and he’s played by Brett Cullen, so… yes please). I still think the childhood pledge from the Rassvet story is an element of truth (it just fits our Red way too much + I see it reflected in “Cape May”), so I think these 3 (the Stranger, Red, and Kat) were likely childhood friends and they all picked similar career paths (or it was picked for them), so the Stranger is likely Russian, too.

Katarina continues to puzzle me to no end, I freely admit. And I am enjoying it (for now anyway). The finale offered some really interesting details here, imo, and I think Red’s 2nd meeting w/ the Stranger is the most revealing.

Red tasked his mysterious friend to locate Katarina bc Ressler’s dig for his real identity triggered an active search for her, too. The Stranger finds her and hands Red a picture saying, “It’s her. I’m telling you, Raymond. Paper trails. The passports. The travel. It’s her.” What we can immediately conclude here is that they didn’t even know what Kat looks like now since it’s not the picture the Stranger used to identify her but her signature methods/movements (knowledge of this implies a close working relationship in the past at the v least). And since he doesn’t hand Red the pic to ask him to confirm it’s her but to show him what she looks like now, we can also conclude that Red had no idea what she looks like now, either, which means that he hasn’t seen her for almost 3 decades and, apparently, he would have been fine w/ maintaining this arrangement if it hadn’t been for the security risk Ressler’s digging exposed them to.

This conclusion lines up nicely w/ two (imo very important) things established in previous episodes:

Red’s hallucinations at Cape May – he sees Kat the way she looked in 1991/92. His mind couldn’t conjure her present image bc his last memories of her are almost 30 years old. This in turn implies that the Hobson’s choice event took place around this time, as well, and that was the last time he saw her. It was the last time Dom saw her, too, if what he tells Liz in “Rassvet” – that it was 28 years ago – is true.

Katarina being dead – whatever happened to Kat, her own father considers her as good as dead now. So does Red and Dom blames him for this loss, going as far as saying he killed her.

Dom: These boxes are all I have left of my daughter.

Red: If Katarina were standing here instead of me, if it were she asking you, what would you tell her?Dom: It doesn’t matter because she is not here and she’s not asking.Red: But if you could tell her–Dom: I can’t!

Dom (to Liz): If my Katarina was still here, she would have let me know. [… her mother sent a letter hoping it] would find her alive. I picked it up because I knew it never would.”

Liz: You said the name Masha Rostova had been lost to history until the manhunt. Now it’s out there and someone’s looking for me. It’s my mother.Red: Lizzie, your mother is dead.

Her mother was dying, Kat never showed. Her daughter was being hunted and it was televised globally – Kat never showed. And clearly neither Dom nor Red expected her to as they both seem to consider Katarina dead despite being aware that she is still out there somewhere. Moreover, they both believe that Liz is better off thinking her mother is dead than knowing whatever the truth is (so it cannot be too good). Add to this Red’s latest remark to Liz – “your mother can’t hurt you” – and things truly get weird and interesting. Was Kat subjected to some special session w/ Krilov, too, that somehow “extinguished” parts of her, practically rendering her old self “gone”? This would be my current best guess (just a shot in the dark, really) and I know it’s crude sci-fi territory but this is TBL we’re talking about.

Whatever happened to Kat, Red was involved in it, and we have several remarks to back this up:

“All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her.” (Red, 216)

“There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” (Red, 319)

“I’m not sure Elizabeth will ever be ready to learn what you did to Katarina.” (Dembe, 422)

“[Katarina] is gone because of choices you made.” (Dom, 320)

In “Cape May”, Red hallucinated forgiveness/absolution from Katarina but we don’t know if this is how she actually felt. It could have been just Red trying to make himself feel better about doing what he felt to be necessary. Katarina in the present doesn’t seem to be in a forgiving mood, tho. She clearly expected to be contacted and she clearly considered Red’s presence a threat.

Red: If Moscow is looking for Katarina, if Agent Ressler’s inquiry has reignited their search…The Stranger: Then I know that could be bad.Red: I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.

So… your guess is as good as mine here, anon. All we have for now is a whole lot of vaguing and very little concrete info. I agree, it feels there’s sth more to this but there’s just so little to go on, it could be almost anything. What we can conclude is that the Stranger and Red (and Dom) have stayed away from Katarina for almost 30 years and if it hadn’t been for Moscow’s freshly reignited interest in finding her, this complete lack of contact would have remained. They didn’t even keep direct tabs on her since they had no idea what she looked like or where exactly she was or that she was a threat to Red (otherwise he would have approached her differently, imo).

They clearly do not want Kat to be found – the precise “why” remains to be seen. Red’s first words to her are a warning – “it’s not safe” –, and I think he truly went there to make sure she wouldn’t be scooped up. That was his immediate objective. If she were found, the consequences would reach Liz and Agnes, and heading that threat off is what ultimately motivates Red here (→ “I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.”). He didn’t look too enthusiastic to make contact. He didn’t want to, he had to. And he didn’t tell Liz, which suggests that he wants this separation to remain, which suggests that something is up w/ Katarina that goes beyond the usual “you can’t be in her life bc it’s dangerous” reason. Dom stayed out of Liz’s life, too, for safety reasons yet Red told him to find Liz if anything happened to him. That doesn’t seem to be the case w/ Kat at all. Red himself stayed away from her yet he went to find Dom after Liz “death” and returned several times after that for advice or simply for his company.

The meeting w/ Kat wasn’t a social call and it did not feel like a romantic reunion, either. Red just looked sad and tense to me. And he clearly did not expect to be stabbed, so I don’t think that bit was part of any planned performance. Why he received that treatment is another good question. Kat has clearly come into the possession of some new info that compelled her to go on the offensive. It could be related to their past and that vague remark about what Red did to her OR it is about something more recent that Red wasn’t aware she was aware of?? Right now this moment feels like a convergence of two separate threads: Red came to warn her based on “undisclosed plot point A” and Katarina reacted to him based on “undisclosed plot point B”.

Oh, I love this song, anon. Antis can keep pointing at that awkward kiss (that he doesn’t even initiate, she keeps pushing her face into his) as evidence of some ~epic romance~ all they want, but once again they fail (and/or refuse) to see things in context and “Cape May” was already pretty clear wrt Red’s feelings, I agree. and the finale lines up w/ it, too, which is nice.

Red hasn’t seen her in 30 years yet he only decided to contact Kat bc her looming exposure threatened Liz and Agnes, and when he is shown a picture of her, this is his reaction:

Not exactly what I’d expect from a dude in love (even if it were unrequited). He had a way more emotional reaction to Dembe’s return and he only left like a week ago. This is more like how you react when someone shows you photographic evidence of Bigfoot chilling in their hot tub w/ a beer. And now we know Red knew all along that Katarina was alive, so him “designating” Liz as the woman he loves and confessing (several times both to her and others) that without her he has nothing to live for and saying her name as his last word speak volumes already. So if they wanted to sell Red/Kat, they have already undercut themselves on multiple fronts here by giving literally all the romance tropes to Red/Liz. But I don’t believe they are selling R/K, it’s just another smoke screen + Kat is part of a past both Red and Liz have to settle for the sake of their future. And settling the past is always easier and more fruitful to do w/ a living human than w/ a ghost or a hallucination.

Yeah, I think it’s there to signal that they (Dom and Kat included) go way back and were/are close, like you said. and to indicate shared Russian roots, perhaps. As I said above, I still think Red is Ilya and the Stranger is likely Russian, too, (and so is Dom), so using Liz’s original Russian name makes sense in this context of “Russian togetherness”.

and Red sometimes calls her Masha around Dom, too, bc that’s what Dom calls her bc that’s who she still is to Dom. And I think that’s why Red calls her Elizabeth bc that’s who she is to him, which is a nice little detail further emphasizing that his main/defining connection to her is the present one just as James keeps saying. Or as Red puts it on-screen

I can def see both sides here, anon, and more. Knowing what we know about Red, both are likely among the multiple reasons that underpin his behavior in this scene. Yes, on the one hand, he was pressed for time and wanted that Kat thing done as soon as possible. On the other, he was also kinda closed-off as if he were trying to hold back emotionally as well as physically, which I think flows from 2 main sources: 1) he feels uncomfortable w/ the labels Liz wants to push on him (ever since the pilot he’s been displaying a preference for “partner” and not “father” and he might be reaching his saturation point) and 2) he is still heartbroken and afraid to put himself out there again w/ Liz after three major betrayals in a row. He’s already had a sort of baseline distress due to how emotionally vulnerable he is to Liz at all times, so after this latest heartbreak I think he is just trying to take things slow, leaving space and time for Liz and himself to figure out a mutually acceptable way to fit together.

She’s been using his heart as a knife block to satisfy her own needs and I think it’s making him less and less willing to force himself into slots that feel uncomfortable to him. She just decided that him playing dad and grandad is what suits him but a week ago she thought life in prison suited him the best. I mean… that’s not how you relationship. At all. Relationships are ongoing negotiations where all involved need to consent to their “roles”. It’s not “I hate you now, so I will put you in prison” and then “I love you now, so stay for dinner”. After everything that’s happened, I am not surprised Red is pushing back a little here for the sake of (what’s left of) his own sanity. He is a deeply flawed, problematique human being but he is still a human being and not a toy.

Liz and Agnes are the most important to him and he would never ever force his preferences on them, I completely agree. But that doesn’t mean Liz should be allowed to force her preferences on him esp when those change so often and so drastically bc she clearly doesn’t know what she really wants from him yet. I think this realization is finally truly dawning on this guilt-ridden, lovesick idiot and that’s part of what we see in this scene, esp in that “I don’t wanna intrude” comment that really does feel like a pointed retreat from her abrupt park bench declaration. But of course there is no negotiation w/o talking and that’s what Liz wanted to do before Red shut her down, so…

bottom line (that’s been the same for 6 years): these 2 need to talk.

#anonymous #apicturewithasmile #tbl spec #long post #ramblings

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jelly-omelette · 4 years

Text

Today I felt emotionally stable. I got a solid amount of work done even though I worked four out of eight hours. I had fun texting Jess. I want to call them hiro. I like flirting w them. Tho I would like to get to know them better. I don’t want to rush into anything and I wanna feel calm n comfortable around them. So far I am. I have yet to find out if we compliment eachother and if we will mesh. I think I just want to be myself around them and not worry too much abt labels or expectations. It’s good so far cuz I think we have common interests and shared hobbies like video games. So I def feel like we can bond as friends over that. And then maybe it’ll grow into something more or maybe it won’t. Kinda hard to know this early on. It’ll take time for me to feel comfortable opening myself up to them. I’m not gonna throw myself out there too soon and reveal all my cards. I’ll keep it reserved and wait for them to make some moves first. Seems p balanced so far. They said good morning to me n was initiating convo :3 so that made me happy. I’ve been doing a good job holding my infatuation back but also enjoying the rush of the moment. It made me said when hiro told me that they have neophobia, cuz I really like trying new things. And also I worry that their Coeliac disease might make sharing things more difficult since a lot of food has gluten. I like that they r pretty asian in terms of cleanliness and eating foods like natto and umeboshi. And they’re rly cute for sending me wiki articles of both those things haha. I was surprised to find out that hiro is 25 years old but I kinda glad bc I like more mature ppl. And I like how we talk in diff languages to eachother. I wonder what their friends r like. I hope they’re not all white cuz I’m scared of white ppl. I just don’t feel super comfortable around them bc they make me feel invalidated and so foreign. I think it’s cool they have a therapist cuz that’s something I’ve been thinking abt lately. Investing in mental and emotional health is always rly attractive. So are their hands hehe. It’s funny how we’re both kinda shy abt flirting w eachother. I’m not as forward as I usually am and I like that I don’t have to be to keep their attention :) and we also share a love and interest for art, which is something that is new to me that I’m really excited to experience. Cuz then we could paint stuff together and look at art museums together. But of course it all needs chemistry first. I wonder if we’ll have any physical chemistry when we meet in person. If it’ll be rly strong off the bat or be a slow buildup or maybe it won’t b there at all and we’ll feel super comfy w eachother. I wonder what our love languages will be. I feel like it’s easy to communicate love w other Asians even if they’re only half asian bc they understand both the American and asian perspectives. They thought I was 19 lol. Oh and we also both climb, that’s gonna b really really cool if we actually have good chemistry and friendship. They’re kinda shy and hard to talk to on phone tho. I hope that’ll change over time. I didn’t like how hiro called my island bald and was saying that I was leaving trash on her island >:( not nice. But other than that they seem kind and encouraging. Can’t believe I told her I’m attracted to the thought of their nice hands embracing me tenderly and they weren’t weirded out about it :D that means I can dial it down a notch which will definitely make me feel a little bit more stable and not afraid of being ghosted or it not being mutual. I’m curious abt their family dynamic and what it was like for them growing up w unmarried and mixed parents. I want to ask that but I’ll save it for later. I’m also curious about their pronouns and if they would feel dysphoric if I referred to them as my gf. BUT that can wait cuz I mean we’re not dating and I don’t wanna rush or scare them w the dtr talk. They seem pretty open tho so I feel pretty comfortable. They like olives also and actual legit lavender flavor. That’s attractive.

At first I had some traumatic flashbacks of jenna bc they reminded me of her. Strangely kinda similar. Jenna isn’t half asian, but she was adopted by white parents. Also her parents had an unconventional dynamic, the dad was a widow bc the mom took her life and the dad married a new person. Oh also hiro has tattoos and kinda dressed like her. But hiro seems more reserved and emo and I like that, and into video games. I rly rly like that :) and culture and art. I like I like. And rly studious. Me like hehe. And also gender queer. I also like hehe. And dorky n shy and playful. Def bonus attraction :D I p confident we’d get a long as friends. Def wanna solidify that first before doing anything beyond that. But ya I would definitely get in bed w them hehehe. They’re rly cute.

Anyway about my day I also practiced guitar for like two hours, played animal crossing w hiro, and hung out w EG friends. That was the highlight of my day. I rly miss em. We watched shrek and played some jack box. That was good. I had a lot of laughs. :) then I started questioning my feelings and the way that I love ray is related to the slogan from the half of it. “Not every love story is a romance”. Cuz I love that guy to death and at one point I had like mini moments where I’d really want to cuddle him or like be physical w him, but I think I just rly rly love how much he’s helped me grow as a person and supported me and allowed me to be honest w him about everything and anything. I really want to apply all the positivity and thoughtfulness I’ve learned from him to my everyday approach to life. I feel like I’ve gone from a really depressing person to someone who is still depressed but very excited and positive about life at the same time. And no longer had to desperately search for external validation or guess about whether or not I deserve love. I just don’t question it anymore who decides to give me love and who doesn’t. I feel very grateful for my friends and my financial situation, my own place and freedom and awesome coworker rex. I feel grateful that I’m still in touch with sean, kara, dixie, aish, my swe friends, Jon, and I get to have awesome conversations abt politics and feminism and funny memes w people everyday. Also my brother and my mom, eh for my dad. And also natalie and my brother who have been there since day 1. I can’t wait to explore what else is in store for me for the future and move on wo th my life. I’m excited to explore my relationship w hiro and see what I can offer and what they can offer. I hope they see value in my abilities to be emotionally sensitive, make delicious food, be methodical and logical and clean, and also have stability and boundaries and good articulate communication. I want to work on being less defensive and being more kind to myself. Not doubting when people show me affection and not questioning when ppl do nice things for me. My perspective on life and fervor to do the right thing. I want to finish my list of tv shows and movies and make some bomb ass paintings. Oh also the fact that I got closure w my ex and we’re on good terms now and they’re gonna hook me up w some film gigs :D I rly hope hiro isn’t the jealous type that gets insecure and makes assumptions abt my relationships w other ppl. I’m still scared from my relationship w bianca and paranoid abt doing the wrong thing and not having my boundaries respected. Not having my voice heard or believed. I want to see if it’s worth it to go all in first before I do. Bianca def dived in head first super super soon. Like our first date we kissed and she slept over. And I was pressured into doing it w her even when I hesitated. That was such a meh thing and sign I should’ve realized it. But my self esteem was so low I think I was unable to value my own feelings and be there for myself when I needed myself to stand up for my feelings. I hope that I can improve my social anxiety and be more kind to myself and respect myself more. I’m doing a p good job so far w that whole situation w my dad. Just keeping my distance so I can keep my sanity cuz I care about myself enough to not compromise myself for his shittiness. I love this time I get to reflect on myself. I really really love it. I feel so free. I can’t wait to talk to hiro tmrw

#mine #text #diary #hiro

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dragonasheswrites-blog · 6 years

Text

Song That Might Play When You Fight Sans

Frisk, the young and ambitious Ambassador for Monsters, has to deal with a lot of things most children don't think about. Assassination attempts are one of them.

After one such incident that nearly claims her life, someone decides that steps need to be taken to ensure that it never happens again.

Click here to read on Archive of Our Own, or read more below the cut.

It had been two months since the assassination attempt, and just three days since Dr. Wiselove had given Frisk a clean bill of health. It came as a surprise to her when Papyrus turned up in her living room, nearly smothered under Toriel’s tea, pie, and general mothering, and said that Sans wanted to talk in the park nearby.

Sans had been avoiding her since the incident, despite the fact that he had been the one to find her. Frisk still felt guilty about it; if she had been stronger, or had ACTed differently, she could have gotten out of the situation on her own. She had overcome so much in the Underground and on the surface; why had one fight with a misguided human given her so much trouble? She wondered if Sans had an answer for her.

Despite his appearance - one eye flickering an eerie blue and yellow, the other dark - the sight of her good friend filled her with DETERMINATION. This was handy, since he immediately summoned a strange, glowing skull and…

...and she was looking at Sans again across the empty park as if nothing had happened. Frisk flexed her fingers, feeling the familiar tingle of a reloaded SAVE.

“sorry, kid,” Sans said, initiating battle once more. “i really didn’t want to do this, but it’s for your own good.”

Frisk felt her soul shatter under a wave of bones.

RELOAD

“believe me, i wish it wasn’t up to me...but no one else would do this.”

Frisk felt her body dissolve under the pressure of an intense beam of energy - less of a surprise, this time.

RELOAD

This time, Sans said nothing before turning her soul blue and sending her flying upwards...then crashing down.

RELOAD

“c’mon. you’re a smart kid. work with me here.”

He sent another wave of bones, and Frisk twitched barely out of the path of the devastation. Through the churning in her stomach from reloading so many SAVEs in a row she felt the pattern of Sans’s attack, and dodged a set of energy blasts as well.

She didn’t quite dodge the next set, but the injury was minimal. She pushed the pain aside, focusing on reading Sans’s moves. She wasn’t quite fast enough…

RELOAD

...but she was beginning to see how he telegraphed his attacks. She had never realized how fast he could be. Who had taught him to fight?

After almost a straight minute of bones, blasters, and strangely-manipulated gravity, Frisk felt the battle shift. It was her turn.

She took a moment to breathe heavily, before asking Sans why he was attacking.

“it’s nothing personal, kid,” he replied. “like i said, it’s for your own good.”

He opened his mouth like he was going to say more, then -

Slam!

RELOAD

Frisk dodged Sans’s opening attack much better this time. On her turn, she didn’t try to TALK again - it seemed Sans had nothing more to say about the situation - but instead chose to CHECK her friend. She’d never had an occasion to before.

* SANS 1 ATK 1 DEF * The easiest sparring partner. * Can only deal 1 damage.

Frisk stared at the information in disbelief, then looked at the monster across from her. Sans met her gaze and shrugged, lazily, before starting his next attack with a wave of bones.

One nicked Frisk’s shin, and she realized that it really had done only one damage...initially, at least. She felt her HP draining - some kind of poison effect? - but thankfully it wore off quickly. Another bad dodge brought the disturbing realization that her soul was not immune to damage after being hit, like it was while she fought or sparred against her other friends.

Yes, Sans could only do one damage at a time, but he could do damage in such quick succession that it could be instantly deadly. Add his poison effect, and he was easily the toughest challenge she’d faced since...well, since Asriel, the self-proclaimed “god of hyper-death.”

A moment’s inattention caused her to catch her shin on the last bone of Sans’s attack, and she felt her HP drain. She braced herself for another RELOAD, only to feel the drain stop unexpectedly. She only had 1 HP, but at least she wasn’t dead.

Frisk opened her phone, pulling a Nice Cream out of her dimensional box with shaky fingers. It was still refreshingly cold, and she took her time nibbling on it. It was a relief to feel her HP increase, though it only got back up to 16. She had a feeling she’d need every bit of HP she could muster.

“Smile! Somebody loves you!” the Nice Cream wrapper declared.

The next attack was, thankfully, slower than the first two. It was a test of endurance to dodge, but she managed just fine. She made a mental note to thank Undyne for insisting that Frisk join Papyrus and Alphys in their training ‘exercises,’ even though she was a bit out of practice thanks to her injuries a few months back.

Frisk stood, panting, as Sans’s turn ended. It was a little disturbing to see his habitual smile plastered across his face with none of the usual good humor behind it. Hesitantly, Frisk asked Sans what he wanted.

Sans refused to respond, instead summoning a blaster. Frisk, caught off-guard, was seared by half the blast and felt her HP drain once again.

When the bright light cleared, she noticed that it was her turn. She tried to ACT...but the option wasn’t even there. She tried to show MERCY, but - just like when she fought Asgore - she couldn’t offer to spare her opponent or flee from the fight. Hesitantly, she reached for her items, but those were gone as well.

Her only option was to FIGHT.

Frisk deliberately whiffed her first attack, swinging her weapon - a pocketknife Asgore bought her for her birthday, and which she only really used for camping - clear over Sans’s head.

“don’t do that, kid,” Sans said, sounding oddly disappointed. “come at me for real. i can take it. i’ve got big bones.”

His attack was ruthless, thrashing Frisk around by her soul until she felt it shatter against a nearby rock.

RELOAD

Immediately rolling into a dodge against Sans’s opening salvo, Frisk realized that he had changed up his attack pattern. Instead of the vicious assault she had suffered after the last few times Sans initiated combat, she instead found herself staring down a single blaster. She rolled out of the way, recognizing this attack.

Sure enough, when the light faded, Frisk found that she could not access her items or ACT. Taking a deep breath, she steadied her shaking hands around her pocket knife and swung firmly towards Sans.

He dodged.

A hint of humor crept back into his expression. “what? did you expect me to just stand there and take it?”

Frisk smirked back. Some part of her was screaming that she should be panicking after one of her best friends killed her six times in a row without provocation, but nearly everyone she knew had killed her at least once just for being human. Sans...well, he knew she could SAVE and RELOAD, for one, so…

Her thought process was interrupted by a massive attack from the skeleton across from her, keeping her rolling and dodging as he unloaded an entire arsenal onto their clearing. She got through with just one small scratch, but it still reduced her HP by more than a quarter.

She swung at him again, watching his body language as he dodged. He dodged differently than anyone she regularly practiced with, and it was throwing her off. Instead of moving his body in the usual manner, he simply...wasn’t there when she swung.

Several rounds of combat later, she realized two things. First, the longer she survived, the more tired Sans got. His attacks didn’t just become less complicated, they also got slower. Second, there was a faint method to Sans’s dodging.

If Sans had really been going all out, Frisk knew it would have been almost impossible to beat him. Whatever this was, it wasn’t a genuine attempt to murder her (despite the repeated deaths).

On her next turn, Frisk made a big show of lunging towards Sans, bringing her knife down hard. Sans dodged, just as she suspected...and she was there to meet him.

She felt his surprise when her knife hand met his body, felt the stiff fear as he prepared for the impact of blade on bone.

Poff!

Frisk’s palm barely tingled from where it had met his sternum through his hoodie, just once, in a solid pat. She retrieved her knife from where she had dropped it and braced for whatever Sans threw at her next.

Nothing came.

Sans was looking at her like she had just stolen all his socks - not angrily, but with some of the biggest kicked-puppy eyes she had ever seen on a skeleton. (Thanks to Papyrus, she had seen a skeleton make eyes that would put any puppy to shame.) The creepy glow was gone. He breathed out, slowly, and took a half-step back.

* Sans is sparing you.

Frisk felt for the MERCY option, and found it right where she expected. Without hesitation, she spared Sans as well.

As the magic of the battle faded, she felt her knees give out. She hadn’t suffered much damage, thanks to her much-improved dodging skills, but she shakily reached for the Nice Cream again just in case. Adrenaline and the memory of so many deaths in such a short span of time made her limbs shake and her stomach turn. She fought to keep the monster sweets down, not sure what would happen to her injuries if the magic that was healing them was no longer present.

She had just regained control of her body and was pushing herself up when she instinctively rolled away. She turned back, startled by the involuntary reaction, to see Sans with his hand extended towards her as if trying to help her up. He looked just as shocked as she did, and not a little guilty.

Frisk cleared her throat and stood, planting her feet firmly. “So...what was that all about? That wasn’t what I thought Papyrus meant when he said you wanted to ‘talk in the park’ this afternoon.”

Sans sat down against the rock, curling into himself at the mention of his brother. “before we get into that...why didn’t you hit me?”

Frisk frowned. “I did hit you.”

“you know what I meant. you took the extra time to drop your knife when you knew you had me. why?”

“You’re my friend. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“frisk, i killed you six times. don’t you remember that at all?”

“O-of course I do.” Frisk rubbed her chest, where her soul throbbed painfully with the memory of splitting apart, shattering into nothingness...

“then why didn’t you fight back? why would you spare me after i did that to you?”

“Oh!” Frisk perked up and scooted a little closer to Sans - still several feet away, but closer. “Is that what you were trying to do? Make me angry enough to try to hurt someone? It won’t work. Pretty much all my friends have killed me. Undyne killed me almost a dozen times. I thought Papyrus was going to kill me with the electrical puzzle, then again on the bridge, but he didn’t.

“So...it’s not a big deal, really. We’re friends, even if I haven’t seen you much recently. I mean, it was really scary - especially at first - but you have a reason for it, right? That’s why I didn’t want to hurt you. You just have one HP; even hitting you lightly with a weapon would probably take you out. I was afraid for a minute that I’d hurt you hitting you like I did, but I’ve seen Undyne give you harder noogies so I hoped you’d be okay.”

Sans dropped his head into his hands. “you’re too freaking kind, kid. what if i had really meant to hurt you?”

“What if you had really died?”

“that’s not the point.”

“It is! I would’ve had to RELOAD to get you back, and we’d be right back where we started!”

“you should probably RELOAD anyways. that cut on your leg looks…” He stopped, as if unable to describe what he’d done.

“Nope! I have to have something to add to my collection.” At his confused look, Frisk rolled up her sleeves and pant legs, revealing a collection of white scars. She started at her elbow. “This is from one of Undyne’s spears; I never was good at dodging the yellow ones that change directions. The burn is from Toriel, when she was trying to stop me from leaving the ruins. Those ones there are Mettaton’s; when we were dancing on TV, some of his mini-robots ran into me. They’re hotter than they look! Oh, don’t tell him I said that.”

She shifted her leg to get a better look. “That one there is from Papyrus, actually; I wasn’t sure right away what turning me blue did, and I didn’t dodge one of his bones fast enough. The one next to it is from Asgore, when I stopped moving accidentally during one of his orange attacks. The funny line on my knee is from one of Alphys’s traps. There was this puzzle that would send me flying, and the first time it happened I wasn’t ready for it. I landed funny, and the grate burned me. All the lava makes the metal heat up, I guess. This one is from Aaron-”

“e-enough, kiddo.”

“Okay. Anyways, my point is that the only ones I didn’t have scars from are you and Doggo, and I’m good at staying still so Doggo can’t find me. He’d tackle me if I walked by him - that’s what Lesser Dog did yesterday.” She showed him her palm, nicked with scrapes.

“we’re terrible friends to you. no kid should have to carry scars around like freaking mementos.”

“Maybe not, but I’m not a normal kid.” Frisk edged closer to Sans again. “Now will you tell me why you wanted me here today? I was promised talking, and I’ve been doing most of the talking. It’s your turn.”

Sans sighed and sunk a little further into his hoodie. The lights in his sockets dimmed so much that it almost looked like they were empty. She knew he was trying to be serious, but it was creepy.

“you almost died during that assassination attempt two months ago.”

“Yes, but-”

“no. you almost died. no saves, no reloads. that human did...something that was preventing all magic from working around you, and you know from alphys’s tests that saves and reloads count as magic. even the human doctors had a hard time saving you. your heart stopped once, and they weren’t sure they could get it started back up again.

“we decided that someone had to teach you to fight - fight for real, not just talk your way out or play-spar with undyne and pap. trouble is, no one wanted to attack you for real. heck, i didn’t want to attack you for real.” He took his hands out of his hoodie pockets to look at them, and Frisk thought she saw them shaking.

“Then why did you?” She didn’t mean the question to come out aggressively; she was genuinely curious. Sans was, after all, known for being exceptionally lazy.

“i owed a favor to...to someone and he called it in. asked me to fight you, see how much you know, try to show you some moves. it’s...supposed to be a weekly thing.”

“Oh.” Frisk shuddered. She really, really didn’t want to fight Sans every week. “Well, if we’re going to do this regularly, shouldn’t we, um, talk about it? If we just show up here every week and you kill me over and over, then we ignore it the rest of the week, it’ll be...really, really hard.” She felt her breath catch and bit her lip to fight back tears. She didn’t want to make her friend feel any worse than he already did. She was okay! Really, she was! There was no reason to cry…!

“oh, kid...i’m so, so sorry…” He made a half-movement towards her, as if trying to comfort her, then stopped. Frisk was pleased to notice that she didn’t flinch this time, and scooted close enough to grab him and swing her legs over his so he couldn’t get away. After a tense moment, she felt him respond. The skeleton brothers really did give the best hugs.

#Dragonashes writes #Undertale #Oneshot #Frisk #Sans #Pacifist #Fighting for a good cause #Probably #Sans was blackmailed into this

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wavemaker9 · 7 years

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Me: Kyle and Mel having a good close friendship that makes them both happy Also me: Make them fight and have kyle jeopardize that like everything else he loves

(it got long sorry)

So Kyle doing the cornered, ‘animal in a case’ thing with mel. Unlikely if she won't press but if it did happen that'd prolly hurt mel so much if the thing she values most about her friendship with him is not feeling judged, just feeling like a lot of her perceived flaws are accepted without question. Because I've mentioned when kyle argues back defensively, he gets nasty. Just like Austin will lash out physically if pushed hard enough, if Kyle feels cornered in a convo, even if it’s only in an attempt to help him, he will turn on them verbally to get them to back off. He's not always aware of everything (see his relays with summer/doug that he dismisses the aggressively negative behavior yet his relay with art who he's frustrated with for just not displaying that art cares in a way that kyle gets), but he's pretty good at spotting people's insecurities and then using them during heated arguments without thinking about it. He wouldn't genuinely mean anything he said, he just knows. Well, his insecurities and/or fears are being brought up and he wants out of the convo more than anything, so if he does the same to them, they'll back off too. Again, Mel not being the type to press or call out specifically because she doesn’t want it back, so it's not like Cami or something where it'd be relatively likely, but if it did ever happen, suddenly this second person ever that mel has had that hasn't judged her is listing every problem and flaw she has, searching for the topic that gets the sharpest reaction and focusing on that. I remember Khep and I discussed this with Cami and Kyle and then other stuff too (during the 2p event in Hetalr, Austin said some mean stuff to Cami because he considered all the 1p nations imposters trying to fuck with them so that plus her refusing to leave because this is her friend but like super wrong finally irritated him enough that he asked her how alone she had to be to be desperate to spend time with him. basically he hopes to never see this woman again so who cares about being polite when she won’t listen to his requests), she ended up just popping him in teh face and storming off, and I have to imagine it’d be like that at least. Mat least those first few moments of accusation and betrayal and /hurt/, there’s gotta be a surge of anger that bubbles up enough to swing at least one punch his way, yeah?

Which actually speaking of that, that might be more likely to make kyle and mel clash like that since if his mood dips hard enough he’ll also get instigatory without being provoked first. It’s another self-destruction method. He gets a mindset that he deserves punishment for fucking up so badly about something and getting beat up in a fight works for that. How does he get someone mad enough to kick his ass? Make them furious with him, make them /hate/ him. And of course he doesn’t think about long term ‘do i really want them to hate me forever? No! Will they understand i was just being the world’s biggest dick to them because i was in a low place? Probably not, especially if I don’t tell them!’ so he’ll regret it later but he’s not thinking clearly now, his brain is full of bad time thoughts right now, so that’s all he can focus on, especially since in that headspace if he /does/ consider it, his brain justifies it away that he doesn’t deserve them anyway and he’ll finally send them off which will be doing them a favor and blah blah blah

Actually actually, even when he’s not in a bad place, like if he feels someone’s holding back in a fight, even if it’s just sparring, he’ll try to push them and provoke them because when he’s angry, he’s willing to fight harder, so clearly the same must be true for them. I think it was mentioned the same is kinda true for mel and that she instigates or at least instigated stuff with austin a lot in the hope it’d get him to fight her. He’s very much teh same. If he can piss them off, they’ll actually fight and that’ll be more fun than them going easy on him (I had this thought because of the taz xover since griffin had said avi was so nice he went easy on the thb when training against them and that’d annoy kyle quickly. You’re my friend and I love you but if you don’t fight me with your all that’s at best a weird unneeded secret about what you’re capable of and at worst an insult in that you think I can’t handle it, and i won’t stand for either. Gimme your hardest punch, damnit. )< ). He’s usually less emotive and fight-or-flight-y there, though, so he’ll be more careful about what he says in that he won’t aim for the comments he knows would cut deep, but he’ll reach for a lot of more shallow careless insults then and that can still get irritating very fast.

Anyway, Kyle is always super regretful and apologetic afterwards once his fight or flight reaction eases, but the problem is that he's already said those things and cannot take them back. He can apologize to mel all he wants and assure her he doesn't believe anything he said before and she shouldn't either, but he still said them. Even if mel recognized at the time that this was him being aggressively defensive, that doesn't ease the hurt of still hearing it. If she thinks about it logically, she could probably figure it didn’t mean anything and was him just being a childish asshole, but it’s hard to be 100% objective with this sort of thing. He can tell her he didn’t mean it but that doesn’t undo the hurt she felt when he said those things. It's something I never want to make canon for any of kyle’s relays because he does seriously like fuck up these good things of trust he has and that can’t easily be undone, but it’s always interesting to consider. Pushing away people he loves is something he's very good at.

Also, the one person that doesn’t tend to happen with is ivan and I think that’s very much a case of ivan never wanting to make kyle mad so he’d back off before things got that far. If he sees either of them are genuinely frustrated, he’ll back off until things cool down or switch to seeming more accommodating so that kyle doesn’t feel the need to fight as much. Besides, ivan probably would forgive kyle even if kyle said some mean shit. There might be a limit but Ivan’s super good at forgiving kyle. On the other hand, kyle would do the same if it was reverse and ivan said some super mean shit. Honestly, no matter who said it, kyle would 100% forgive the person eventually if he even remotely liked them. again, kyle took like months after being cheated on and manipulated in an old rp to even consider for longer than 3 days that maybe he should leave the relay. you have to /try/ to push him away. He wouldn’t really get past the hurt either, but it wouldn’t be a betrayal of trust or anything like I feel it would be if he was the one attacking them. Doug has gotten him really used to constant criticism and just blatant insults and has conditioned him to see that being ‘honest’, so if another friend spent 5 minutes suddenly tearing into him. Like it’d hurt and crash his mood but he’d never blame /them/. It’s /his/ fault for being so shitty. If he were better, they wouldn’t have anything to talk about, he can’t be mad at them for telling the truth, what kind of asshole does that? (see him when anyone who /isn’t/ a friend suddenly criticizes him; he’s the kind of asshole who does that) And like, he rarely fully trusts that a person 100% genuinely likes him so hearing someone suddenly flip and be overly aggressive to a hurt point like. He knew that was coming, he’s surprised they didn’t reveal how annoyed they are with him sooner. It’d never come back to the other person; it’d shake the relationship up badly enough but, unlike the reverse in at least some cases, it’d get back to where they were, and if the person showed enough effort to apologize, he’d treat them and view them exactly as he did before, no blame on them. Again, though, the exception to this is if he didn’t already like them before hand in which case it falls to the grudge level. As i’ve mentioned, poor ludwig in hetalr criticized kyle once during a bad mood time (and that time it was just genuine issues not even just aggressive argumentative callouts) and kyle has never forgiven him.

Other stray thoughts! If he did end up doing that to mel, not just mel fucking pissed off at him, but micha when he finds out what kyle did. Two friendships one stone, whoops. Micha probably even worse? Like Mel’s probably not happy with kyle but suddenly dealing with a lot of self-critical thoughts again. Micha wasn’t the target though, not dealing with that, just full on ‘how dare you make my sister feel like that’ anger. Remember that ‘bitch was talking shit, now bitch can’t talk no more’ ask micha had a while ago? That. Micha 100% killing kyle brown, fucking finally. Even if mel recognized why kyle did that and eventually got even partially past that, i feel like micha wouldn’t ease up on that even after some time because that wasn’t at him, that was at mel. He liked Kyle, a part of him still wants to like him, but that man hurt his sister terribly and so Kyle can suck a fucking big one.

Also, less expected, but like. austin would def kind of side with mel, too. Mainly because he’s just so annoyed by kyle constantly, it’s very much the burr vs hamilton ‘i just want him to stop talking and acting so confident, that’s what i’m here for’ thing, but also. Like in family au especially, kyle gives /a lot/ of shit to austin. Like /a lot/. I’ve made at least a couple posts about how kyle knows how to get under austin’s skin and knows austin doesn’t have the strength to get him back so he fucks with austin constantly. Austin’s in a bad combination zone in that he’s family so teasing/being a dick as a form of showing love is acceptable to kyle, and austin’s cold and selfish personality makes him seem like a dick to kyle + he’s not trying by kyle’s standards so it falls under ‘the asshole has it coming’ category. Austin tries hard, just like mel, or kyle, or anyone else. It’s not always obvious and there are some times sure where he’s not trying as hard as he could, but more often than not, austin actually is doing his best to just manage here. he’s not an overachiever or anything. when he cares, it’s barely and surprising, but just because he’s not putting his all into it every second doesn’t mean he isn’t trying at all. But he’s cold, he’s selfish, he’s asocial and solitary, he’s not charismatic or kind or loyal or empathetic, he’s passive and he takes for granted the things /kyle/ sees as austin’s best assets in life (his family), he’s all the things kyle looks down on, and there aren’t many things kyle /does/ feel like he can look down on, so kyle looks downon them extra hard. I said how kyle is very much the ‘as long as you’re trying your best, that’s fine!’ person, but the catch to that is that /he/ has to accept that you’re trying your best. Just like how he’ll not always catch on that someone loves him as much as they do because they’re not showing it in ways he recognizes as affectionate or caring, he also is clueless to the idea of someone trying in a way he doesn’t recognize. It’s really something i guess most if not all teh australias show, but while with aus and aud, that conflicts with people like mel, for kyle, he wouldn’t get aus or aud. That’s why he totally gets mel is trying, it’s very much in the same way he is. But austin’s trying is by being reserved and proper, and it doesn’t make sense so clearly austin just /isn’t/ trying. Kyle is very aware of only the things he can recognize. He understands that people have different views and ways of handling things like scientists understand how the brain works. He knows it’s technically there, and he understands parts of that to a point when given the chance to learn, but if you really look at how much he gets that, it’s surprising how little he actually understands for how open minded he tries to be sometimes. Which is another thing i don’t like about him. I gushed before and said i was too hard on him but right now nah i remember why i don’t like him, i’m probably about right in how hard i am on him.

Anyway, austin deals with kyle’s shit constantly and, as i’ve mentioned in the hp au talk, he’s well aware that kyle’s charisma and charm and loyalty and people-pleasing nature all make people like him more. He’s obnoxious and irresponsible and reckless and instigatory and has about a billion double standards that are shitty as fuck, but kyle tries to make friends and is passionate enough to win people to his side, so people tend to not acknowledge kyle’s shitty behavior as much when he’s an asshole to austin. They're easily swayed by the ‘he was an asshole and had it coming. Besides, we’re cousins so it’s fine’ argument. He knows Kyle has his ‘good’ sides, but he also is aware of kyle’s negatives, sometimes seemingly more so than kyle is. Which makes the ‘austin’s not trying’ conclusion kyle reaches even worse because austin’s trying specifically to keep his more negative sides on lock, like his bad temper. Kyle lets that shit run free and then has the nerve to criticize austin for not trying?? And I don’t think austin would be annoyed in any cases where mel and micha befriend kyle. Again, he expects that, and while mel and micha are his best friends, he doesn’t fully see them as such and certainly not in a ‘tehy’re /my/ friends, you can’t have them’ way. They’re adults, if they want to befriend kyle great. Maybe they can distract him so he stops trying to hang out with austin all the time, that’d be nice. But austin probably mentioning that to mel when she and kyle are first going to meet. She’s an adult and can choose her own friends but kyle is (“objectively” austin says which he isn’t but to austin he is) terrible and she should have all the information and understand how fucking annoying kyle is sometimes before she meets him. Of course he’s bad at clearly listing all the reasons why with examples, and he complains about everything, so it probably comes off as a ‘oh he’s just annoyed because kyle’s all energetic and fun and austin hates fun’ thing.

But then kyle reveals the shitty child he is underneath and it turns out austin was actually somewhat right? I also think, if mel was confronted by just how aggressively hurtful kyle can be in his worse moods, that’d surprisingly not be an ‘I told you so’ moment from austin (provided she didn’t make a huge deal of dismissing any early comments he made. If she did, she’d get a little ‘i told you so’ then). Because again, people being charmed by kyle happens all the fucking time, it’s not their fault they made a shitty friend. If he wasn’t asocial and totally aware of how bad to be around kyle can be, he’d probably like him more too. It’s not an ‘i told you so’ thing at this point, it’s just a ‘finally someone else sees what a jerk he can be sometimes thank god. Unfortunate it was from him messing things up again but silver linings and all that’. Austin that’s a silver lining for you, not for mel, cmon. Though on the other hand, It might be an ‘i told you so’ at /kyle/. Mel didn’t do anything wrong by befriending him, but austin’d absolutely use this as a ‘hey, get off your high fucking horse and acknowledge that you’re a piece of shit!’ thing which is relatively ironic coming from austin. I mean, just because austin’s trying doesn’t make him any less of a piece of shit too, since he doesn’t actually regret a lot of the hurtful things he does to people and, as mentioned with the cami thing, he’s willing to do hurtful things if he feels they’re necessary to his best interests, he just also doesn’t pretend like they don’t exist. Austin thinks the positives of his personality outweigh the bad, sure, but he still has some bad he knows about and tries to handle and he’s also fully aware not everyone would view all those positives as positive. He knows he has a bad temper so he avoids things that irritate him and 90% of the time it’s /kyle/ pushing him into those situations that set him off. Kyle should recognize by now how aggressive he himself gets when defensive, how much he can hurt people, but does he try to avoid those cases? No, of course not. That would take being responsible and mature! Half the time, kyle purposefully tries to provoke people as some self-destruction attempt that he doesn’t care about dragging someone else down with him on.

I think i’ve mentioned before that this is why i prefer austin to kyle despite, weighing the pros and cons of their personalities, how kyle would more likely be the ‘better’ person than austin is. Kyle has a lot more pros and they are to a far higher extreme, but the negatives are equallly as low and he ignores them completely. Refuses to acknowledge them, very irresponsible about that. Even when called out, he gets dismissive or instigatory or that ‘can’t you take a joke’ bullshit that I think I still hate most about his personality. Austin is a dick but he’s usually aware of it, knows he’s not a total victim in life. He’s more responsible and part of that is accepting bad behavior in oneself. Changing bad behavior is usually the best option, but neither boy does that. Austin at least accepts and acknowledges it and tries not to go out of his way to let it affect others. He’s polite in most cases if he has to socialize with someone, and besides that he does try to stay on his own most of the time. That’s also, again, the asocialness, but he sees it as a win win for everyone. I’m going to be annoyed by them, they probably won’t appreciate me, it’s best we keep to ourselves. Kyle hides it before springing it on someone and, again, I know that’s not 100% his fault, it’s very much a side effect of his childhood and a nasty combination of disorders he’s struggling to deal with, but that doesn’t make it 0% his fault either. Cool motive, still murder, except not murder of course, just being an asshole, but i still very much like that phrase for that kinda thing. It’s great that he has a reason to explain why he feels the need to behave like that, but he’s not unaware. It may feel hard or impossible not to choose that option, like, say, staying up late again for 2 weeks in a row when I definitely know I need more than ~5 hours of sleep a night- but that’s still me failing to go to sleep on time. i might have to fight myself on it some nights, but i’m still making that choice, y’know?

In most au’s, someone points it out to him at some point, and he refuses to change that bad behavior and worse, it’s often times not even a ‘i’m trying but I can’t’ situation, he just doesn’t want to acknowledge another flaw of his and that is. That’s why he drives me up a fucking wall sometimes. He always tries to portray himself as super friendly and understanding and accepting and good, he tries so hard to be good. like i said, when he cares, it’s so much and over the top and to the point of sacrificing at a moment’s notice, but he can get a holier than thou mentality on morals and yet either isn’t aware enough or just doesn't care to see both the attempts other may make using methods he’s not used to as well as how necessary it is to address and try to change his own major and friendship-threatening flaws. I have my own high standards for others that I myself don’t meet, but I don’t fuck over people who don’t meet those standards either, y’know? I go ‘maybe we’re both shit’ and I move on with my day. He’s literally the ‘when he’s good he’s great’ line except instead it ends with ‘but when he’s bad i wanna kick his fucking ass’

#ignore this #amusing muse musings #aus being a dick #kyle being the biggest dick

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londonspirit · 6 years

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One Last Time...

... for this year, that is! (Hopefully they sort their Brexit shit out soon, otherwise I have no clue when I can be back!)

Anyhow, this trip was wonderful, mad and all around fantastic! (the usual then! *grins*)

Flew over with my friend S., and naturally we had a one hour delay to start our vacation (we do have a bad travel karma, me thinks, not the first time). And sadly that was the reason I (again) didn’t managed to meet up with my L, cause she only had about an hour between engagements, and that was exactly the hour our flight was late. (Here’s hope we’ll manage another meet-up soon’ish before she goes back to the States, it’s been too long and I really miss her!)

Upon arrival it was raining! Boo! But after dropping off our luggage and finding us dinner, we didn’t want to go to bed (afternoon flight there, evening arrival) so we decided to have a quick wander around. It had stopped raining which was perfect for a nightly walk. Wow, even wet London is beautiful, and even more so at night. Streets were mostly empty (not empty enough to be scary tho) and we took much longer than expected. Stumbled across filming by the side of the river - there were a few people in safety vests and we were already wondering when one approached us. He told us they were filming in a side alley, and not to worry, we could just walk past but shouldn’t stop. Of course we walked very slowly but we didn’t see much or anyone we knew. It was pretty dark, and all we say was a huge projection into the air. *shrugs* Still curious as to what was filmed there (we went there on the last day but no signs at all). We were in bed way past midnight... (my usual London bed time!)

Monday was HAMILTON DAY! But in the evening - we had the whole morning and early afternoon to explore some more! So we went to Greenwich - by BOAT!! That was soo cool. I’ve taken one of the boats two years ago with Sis but only for a few stops, this time we went all the way. And even thought it’s not cheap (Oyster card does make it a bit cheaper tho), it’s totally worth it - the view from the water is amazing! And since the weather was still not very tourist friendly, we had the entire back to ourselves. I can def recommend it - you see so much from that side. Plus, it’s quick, we were in Greenwich within 15 minutes! Found coffee and walked up that hill to the observatory! The view was foggy but still amazing. And since the coffee didn’t want to go back to the city with us, we wandered inside to find a loo. Did you know that you can go inside and check out a few of the rooms without having to pay? Cause I did NOT! And boy, is it cool inside. Loads to see, and touch, and just perfect for a grey and misty day. We spent 3 hours or so in there, bought souvenirs, checked out the old telescope inside, climbed small stairs, looked at all the time measure methods humanity had invented over the centuries, and had a great time! After that we returned to the hostel to get ready for the evening.

The smile on my face when I saw the Victoria Palace Theatre again was HUGE! I fucking LOVE this place soo much!!! Especially when it’s all lit in the dark! Getting inside was just as smooth as ever! (And this time we even saw the dog, didn’t meet it tho as we arrived and were inside like 2 minutes later, despite a pretty long queue!) Inside we walked around, looked at the Pretty all around and then we went to our seats.

DUDE!!! I had booked a box back in January, but I had no idea that we would’ve had one all to ourselves. It’s just for TWO seats (not four as I expected), and it’s the coolest thing ever! We got us drinks to pass the time (you can only take so many pics of that beautiful stage!), and once again the staff showed why they deserved all the praise! I got us two bottles of cider but since bottles aren’t allowed inside, two of the ushers made sure to fill it all into plastic cups! And when it all didn’t fit into two cups, they held the doors for me to bring it to the box and when I returned for the rest, they were already waiting for me! Those people are the real heroes! And everything with a smile and the loveliest attitude!!!

And when it finally was time, I might have made noises. Being this close (with nobody in front of you, or behind you for that matter), being able to lean forward and chairdance, is the best thing ever!!!

I was a bit sad that we didn’t get Obi or Jason, but Gabriel and Waylon did so well, it didn’t last long. And boy, Mondays are an amazing day to go and see it! Every single soul on that stage was on FIRE!!! (Not sure whether that’s because they have the Sunday to recharge, or because some will have their last performances in the next weeks, but it was WORTH going on a Monday!)

I had booked that because I wanted to see Ash, as people kept raving about him (and I had seen Jam twice now). He did NOT disappoint. His performance differs so much from Jam’s; not in a bad way, no. But he’s so into it, so ... THERE?! More intense?! Can’t really describe it. He’s fantastic. And being this close, seeing all those expressions, the cheek, the sass, the sadness, made this time so much better than the last two times. Ash is incredible and sooo worth seeing! (although I missed the height difference between Jam and Rachelle, Ash is her height.)

I was very happy that we got Giles, cause I’ve fallen fast and hard for his Burr!!! He’s put such a different twist on him, and once you got used to him, he IS Burr. What I love is that you can see all those little physical actions, he’s doing a lot with his body, and also with his face. Small things you miss when you’re further away. A raised eyebrow, a bitten lip, a suppressed grin. GOD, I will miss him soo much!!! There are times when I wanted to hug him and then there were times when I wanted to slap him. He’s such a great actor, and I will fight anyone who says differently!!!!!

As for the rest of the cast, they were brilliant as usual; even though I really had the feeling everyone was giving even more than the 500% they already do!! SO DAMN AMAZING!!! There was a big cheer for “Alexander Hamilton” in the beginning (as it should be), but weirdly NOTHING at the “Immigrants” line!!! O_O That shocked me a bit! I’ve been three times now, and I’ve had a different reactions every damn time! So weird! Yorktown got an in between applause which I never seen/heard! Was very nice. The King got all the laughs, naturally. What else? Oh, so Tarinn and Cleve are basically themselves in costumes on stage: they kept goofing around and grinning like idiots at themselves, which was adorable. And I now know why people are shipping Laurens and Ham - the gazing loving at each other was INSANE!! *lol* Rachel is madly talented but that you already know. That woman’s voice, her acting - GEEZ!! HOW?? So soo good!!! Christine... god, that voice! Melted chocolate, poured over warm coals, making one feel all warm and fuzzy (and very sinful) inside. GUH!! Also: the ensemble blew me away, the perfection they put on that stage (night after night) is MAD!! I found myself watching them more and more, wondering how the human body is capable of the things they do and make it look easy as breathing!! WOW!!!

It was over way too soon, and I even cried in the end. I have no idea where that came from but Rachelle really made me tear up during the last song. Never had that before. (And she’s the only one I’m still not fully convinced with; she’s good but this is NOT the perfect role for her) So yeah, I did my final applause in tears!!!

We stuck around towards the very end, and for the very first time, they let down the safety curtain!!! O_O (They did in the interval as well for a moment).

And then it was stage door time. It’s all well organized and sorted, and we queued up and waited. It wasn’t cold so that wasn’t too bad. Didn’t take long for the first to come out. I didn’t want anything signed, only asked for pics which seemed fine with them all. Although they were all well prepared with sharpies! Kelly is TINY, and so very sweet, and sadly the only one of the girls who came out :-( Waylon was a bit shy, but also very nice. Gabriel was dressed for artic temps which made me giggle. Tarinn and Cleve are... well, Tarinn and Cleve! They’re always goofing around, being super sweet to everyone and really taking their time. Cleve enjoyed being the birthday boy, and wishing him a great one, got me a tight hug! Tarinn smells really good, by the way! *hehe* At some point the security made an announcement. I think he said they were all gone, or nobody wouldn’t come out anymore; we could stay but at our own risk, or something like that. We were at the end of the queue and didn’t catch everything. Since we didn’t have anywhere to go, we stayed. Which was the right thing to do! First Giles came out, and that’s when I got a bit nervous! He’s so good, and I never managed to get a pic with him. He took his time, chatted to everyone and was all around the sweetest. Once he came to us, I told him how incredible he was and how much I loved the Muse Of Fire documentary he did ages ago. I think he blushed a bit ;-p When I asked for a pic, he pulled me real close and thanked ME afterwards!! O_O Hach, he’s amazing!! And then Ash came out as well (lots had left already so we were only a few people). And the silly man did NOT have a pen! The ladies behind us asked if we had one. When I pulled out my assortment of sharpies (three: black, silver and bronze!) I ALWAYS have on me, they laughed so hard. Hey, you can never be prepared enough - as that night taught us!!! Once again, we only asked for pics, and praised him, told him how fab he was, and that we booked a Monday just for him,, which made him laugh. “Heard of me, did ya?” he said, cheeky bugger. But yeah, we did. So we got another really tight pic - that cast is so touchy feely, I swear! I love them all to pieces!!! SO SWEET! He chatted a bit before moving along. We waited a bit longer but that was it so we reluctantly left towards ‘home’. (Once again, it was LATE!)

The next morning we got up early to have one last walk around, and London was gracious and got out the sun and basically summer weather! We didn’t want to leave but sadly we had to. So long, my beautiful! See you next year - in February, for sure. After that... well, that depends on how you get your shit sorted! Once more, a fantastic time was had, with the best company I could’ve wished for! Thank you, S, I know why I love traveling with you - here’s to our next time!!!

#personal #one last London adventure #for this year that is #Hamilton London #west end hamilton #hamilton ldn #london

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