#we've kind of desensitized ourselves?

[gardenerian]

thoughts on ian’s face in the “sorry im late” scene in 5x8 (i think it’s 5x8)

my thoughts are that i am going to start crying and never stop. my additional thoughts are:

so he's in bed, right? he's been trying mickey all day, meanwhile mickey has been going through his own process at home. but ian is thinking that he might have finally pushed mickey away for good - or scared him away. so he's in bed, eyes shut - probably not sleeping, but just laying there. shutting out the rest of the day. he hears someone behind him and his eyes kinda open. it's when he hears mickey though that his breathing picks up and we go from this:

to this:

like it's so slight, but like. the little flutters and the way his eyes start to move 😭 there's life left there. i feel like...... in moments like this, it sometimes feels like you might just lay there until you're dust. it's all over. the life you knew, the life you wanted. and yet - here he is again. and i think ian is genuinely surprised. this is where is starts being surprising to ian that he could be someone to come back for.

anyways. he turns around as fast as his medicated body will let him. we don't see his face when he first sees mickey, but we see it when he says "sorry i'm late." and it reminds me of the scene in 4x11 where mickey says "what you and i have makes me free." like it makes me insane. in both of these moments, his face just drops into something so young and so vulnerable.

like???? he's a little boy! and here is someone standing in front of him - someone he he has ALWAYS WANTED to stand in front of him - promising to be there. that he knows ian needed him. that he's here now for whatever might happen. reality is so warped these days but here he is.

and you see it land??? you see ian exhale and settle in a way he probably hasn't in a while. things are not okay. they're not okay!!! and they won't be for a while. but in this little moment together in this room where he grew up, he can breathe out the grief. he can share it.

mickey moves to get in bed and ian just makes room, like he always has. but he never blinks. doesn't dare take his eyes off of mickey. it's like he's scared mickey might change his mind, or dissolve right in front of him. is he even really there?

and there's another layer of disbelief here. another layer of grief. mickey milkovich is crawling back into his bed to hold him, and it's like this. it happened like this. everything he's done and suffered and been made to face comes down all at once. he's tired, he's scared. he's sorry. mickey has finally seen the worst of him.

he looks away, and mickey chases after him. i think it's important to mickey here that he lets ian feel him. something about that tactile, grounding comfort. and mickey won't look away either, it's too precious. ian's safe, even if nothing is the same.

and it's here, in these quivering lips and drawn eyebrows...... this is the release. his body and his mind have been through a lot in the last few days. it's as close to cathartic as ian really gets for a while. it's not long before the walls go back up and he's angry. but right now, he brings his hand to hold mickey's wrist, and he lets himself be held.

now.... this face:

this face fucking haunts me. i cannot name this face. what is he seeing here? i imagine it's so hard to see past this moment, into a future he can't name. it's like he's simultaneously feeling mickey there and also completely isolated. i can't explain this face. can anyone else explain this face???

either way, he closes his eyes against it. and you can assume that rest is coming.

with mickey keeping watch.

#i am legitimately in tears #i think...... #our focus as a fandom has shifted in a lot of ways #to our beloved himbo husbands and the silly slutty soft snarky future they share #and like! yes! yes let's! that's what they deserve! #don't mistake me i fucking love it #but the farther away we get from THIS #the harder it gets to come back to it #it becomes this abstract thing #and we end up saying things like #their history or what they overcame #or everything they've been through #it almost softens it #not saying that we need to be harping on the tragedy #it just feels so distant to the point where it's memed and convoluted #we've kind of desensitized ourselves? #i know we've probably said a lot of what we need to say #i don't think we need to constantly relive it or anything #i'm not making any sense #i don't know #this can be such a lonely way to live is all #i'm tired #ily anon #mel answers #5x08 #bipolar ian

[resurrection-of-soul]

Flashback | BIOHAZARD 1

Writer: Akira (日日日)

Characters: Rei, Kaoru, Koga, Adonis

Rei: I see no merit to behaving mulishly. After all this time, no matter what manner of disgraceful self I expose to you, I am certain none of you will hate me…♪ Kaoru: Ahaha. I seriously hate that kind of arrogant behavior~! And like, the fact it’s totally true makes it even more annoying ♪

[ For the best viewing experience, please read directly on my blog! ♪ ]

Time: February, During the First Year of ES's Establishment

Location: ES Building, Rhythm Link Office

Rei: We find ourselves in circumstances most dire. Of late, many a fan hath lost interest in we UNDEAD. Though this hath felt to be the trend for quite a while, the numbers now render it an undeniable fact. The dwindling attendance at live concerts, waning CD sales, merchandise transactions and sundry other metrics serve as proof.

Kaoru: Huh, no way? That's surprising~ ...Personally, I feel like we've got way more fans screaming in excitement at our autograph sessions these days compared to back when we were still at Yumenosaki. Rather than losing fans, hasn't our fanbase just, like, changed? I mean, ever since we started working at ES, we've been participating in more child-friendly stuff like variety shows, yeah? Kids don't have a ton of pocket money, so it's hard for them to buy things like CDs or concert tickets... That just makes it seem like our popularity's going down when looking at sales data, right?

Koga: Hmph, you seem like a rich brat with more money than sense, but you've got a pretty good understandin' of the average person's budget.

Kaoru: I've been through more hardship than you might think, y'know. My parent's¹ pretty strict.

Adonis: Haha. We have been in the industry so long that we've grown desensitized to it, but concert tickets would be pretty expensive for a normal child. On top of that, if they keep asking their parents to buy these things for them over and over, their parents will eventually tighten their purse strings.

Kaoru: Yeah, totally. They'll be all like, "Go get a textbook instead of wasting money on that kinda useless junk."

Adonis: Have you been told that before?

Kaoru: Not directly. But when I said I wanted to go to an idol-training school, my parent's response was super sarcastic.

Rei: 'Twould seem we hath drifted slightly from the topic at hand. To return to the salient point, even if one were to take into account the extenuating circumstances Kaoru-kun mentioned, the fact is, our sales are undeniably poor. If I may be so blunt, we, UNDEAD, are on the decline.

Koga: This's exactly why I was against appearin' in cheery shit like variety shows, it ain't suited to our image at all. If we'd strengthened our main weapon by makin' cool music, then—

Adonis: I think that would have made us fall off much sooner. We would have been treated as outdated idols who cannot read the mood and do not understand the times. Or rather, I think those kinds of considerations are exactly why our senpai decided to take on all sorts of work which you ridiculed as being frivolous, Oogami.

Rei: Nay, we did so simply because we wished it. Just as Koga says, 'tis we who are at fault.

Koga: Wh-what the hell? It ain't like you to just own up to your mistakes.

Rei: I see no merit to behaving mulishly. After all this time, no matter what manner of disgraceful self I expose to you, I am certain none of you will hate me…♪

Kaoru: Ahaha. I seriously dislike that kind of arrogant behavior~ And like, the fact it's totally true makes it even more annoying ♪ Oh and, you tend to be way too quick to blame everything on yourself. UNDEAD's problems are problems for us all, so don't try to shoulder all the burdens alone.

Adonis: Mn. Sakuma-senpai does do that from time to time. We are not children who cannot take responsibility.

Koga: Yeah, that kinda thing seriously pisses me off~ ♪

Rei: Oh dear…? Am I more hated than I had initially surmised…?

Kaoru: We're complaining because we like you, alright? If we didn't, we wouldn't care what you do at all.

Rei: Alright… At any rate, our current predicament is a result of our wishy-washy attitude. Originally, we fashioned ourselves as a radical and immoral unit exclusively devoted to the realm of rock. However, of late, we hath been doing the very opposite, delving into the likes of variety shows and other casual jobs which aim to emphasize our approachable disposition. Such conduct runs counter to our "true nature." These days, folks oft muse, "Huh? Those UNDEAD guys look scary, but aren't they surprisingly friendly?" Consequently, we hath broadened our repertoire of jobs... Yet, those who were enamored of the old UNDEAD feel now disillusioned.

Koga: Cause we put the cart before the horse, didn't we? What we shoulda done was cater to those old fans. They're our real audience, not those frivolous new fans who feel like they know us just cause they saw us on some crappy variety show.

Rei: Nay, both are important. Naturally, we must cherish the long-time fans who hath thus far given us their stalwart support. However, if we do not attract new fans, then ours will be but a short-lived spark, doomed to fade away and disappear as like the light from a hand-held firework. Such is the reality of the idol industry to which we belong— Or rather, that of the entertainment industry entire. 'Tis not the sort of gentle, fairytale world where one who works hard shall always be rewarded with success and eternal love.

[ ☆ ]

Kaoru almost certainly means his father, but because he's persistently using the gender-neutral term 親, I'm just going to keep it as "parent," even though that reads a little strangely in ENG.

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#ensemble stars #enstars translation #UNDEAD #rei sakuma #kaoru hakaze #koga oogami #adonis otogari #Flashback #BIOHAZARD

[crownedrottenthorns]

it is just truly amazing how much discourse/modern purity culture/harassment in general is such a detriment to folks with moral ocd. We are autistic, we are traumatized, we have moral ocd, we are a system, our trauma has allowed us to be easily gaslit/manipulated and reliant on external forces for us to know what is "okay" to believe or even be. It's far more complex than the generic thing we tell. So we have had to often comb through random discourse posts we don't care about for literal hours just to understand if we were right or wrong within our own understanding. Not just discourse posts, but find articles and discussions and actual support for or against such thing.

Just to ease harmful urges and a delusional belief that we are the sole source of evil within this world that must perish to free the world from sin. Because our moral ocd is highly tied into our delusions and trauma. We will change our entire person if we are not careful. We do not have a stable core and we are easy to convince of everything. We even have to remind ourselves "hey abuse is bad" due to this trauma within us (this is in context to when talking to a friend's abusive mother trying to manipulate us.) Because even if we know it, our trauma and system from said trauma forgets and desensitizes us to such things.

So for a lot of these unseen and rigid rules we have come to experience that led to our harassment, it is amazing how difficult it is and how discourse overall relies on this. We aren't talking about discussion or stuff, but like, the really niche discourse. We've found ourselves digging through it on some side tangent and hyperfixated just because someone harassed us and we want to know if our feelings are reasonable and justified or if we need to change who we are.

Since it's been months since the harassment, we no longer do this as much. But it is just...alarming? Shocking? We don't know the right word. How much this really affects us.

It makes us believe that if we don't follow these rules that we are bad. And because of that, it triggers our moral ocd. And then our delusions. And then we end up unstable for months.

And also it's just...sad how little control we have over ourselves, our thinking, our beliefs. This post is to slightly mourn just how deep this kind of trauma is for us that we cannot feel stable in the slightest.

Post is kept vague-ish for paranoia reasons. Just our thoughts. Maybe incoherent, we're pretty foggy right now.

#tw delusion #tw delusion description #thoughts #system thoughts #blurry fronting #rant #rambles #maybe incoherent #system #did system #system rambles #alters

[msclaritea]

Why America is obsessed with the Alex Murdaugh murder trial : NPR

"...Why is America so obsessed with this story? To explore this question, we asked Neal Baer, a former long-running executive producer on the enormously successful crime show, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. In that role he consulted with experts and researchers to understand the issues that were worrying people, and what they wanted to understand from this genre. This is his analysis.

On the allure of the Murdaugh case:

We're drawn to it. And I think what's really interesting is that we also want justice.

In this case, the victims are dead, but we still want to seek some kind of justice. These are cases of human behavior that go way, way, way to the nth degree that we don't experience in our own lives every day. We're drawn to these kinds of people and what makes them tick. What made them do it?

On whether the true crime obsession is uniquely American

It's of interest everywhere. And I think that's because, as people, we're interested in other people's behavior, and the more far fetched it seems, or the more grandiose or scary, the more we're drawn to it, because I think there's parts of us that may identify with those characters, when we get enraged, or we feel betrayed, yet, hopefully, we won't go as far as these characters.

So there's some kind of connection, there's a fascination because maybe we see ourselves in these characters ... we may see ourselves being so frightened, so forced to make some decisions, so trapped, that we don't know what we would do. And most of us, I hope, wouldn't go so far as to murder our families ... But we can identify with it because we've all been pushed into the corner.

On why the true crime genre has exploded, and if it has desensitized us to the human aspect of these cases:

I think people like to have endings and they like to have justice. I think that's been a big, big selling point for Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, that we get the bad guys. And there aren't too many podcasts where the bad guy gets away, and we never find them. Those are very rare.

I do think that there is probably a desensitization that happens when we see so much crime, maybe it makes us feel in some way safer, that we can be listening to it within the safety of our own homes. But, you know, on the other hand, we don't know who's carrying a gun in many places now in the United States. So it's a very scary place to be.

So it's kind of a catch-22 we're getting more and more, because I think there's more and more fear, so we look to these programs to give us some sustenance and some hope and yet, in and of themselves, they probably promote more fear.

So, what now?

Murdaugh was sentenced to two life terms on Friday.

True crime media like books, podcasts and TV shows continue to be a multimillion-dollar industry."

I don't think America was that obsessed with the Murdaugh case at all, or at least not as much as the media is. We've missed weeks of the Proud Boy court case. I also don't think America is that obsessed with crime shows. Again, the media is.

[systemcomfort]

Hi there. We're hoping this is okay to send, and if not we are deeply sorry.

Unfortunately we're in a situation where we'll likely be putting a rest or complete end to a very close friendship we've had for several years...

We don't want to get too detailed... But it's just not healthy... And we'd rather end things here than end on an even more bitter note...

It already hurts so much that we have to come to this choice at all... And the things that led us into needing to make it...

We know what we have to do for our health, and we will because we have to put ourself first, but it just hurts so much... We never thought things would come to this...

We just want to get it over with... Rip the bandaid off, you know..?

We just wanted to ask for some support or comfort from another system... Something to help this be any sort of easier...

Again: we are so very sorry if this crosses boundaries. Thank you for your time.

It's okay, anon. Relationships, of any kind, can get difficult and that isn't your fault. Its also not your fault that the best thing for you to do right now is step away from this one. Its ok to do, and It speaks volumes that you know this is what you have to do.

I trust your decision on this, because as systems we can find it really hard to recognize unhealthy relationships because of how desensitized to trauma/ harm we are (not saying this person is traumatizing you, but rather that as systems we have had to numb ourselves to pain in relationships at all in ways) So you are not only able to recognize this isn't healthy for you, but also bypass the nagging of the trauma brain to just "put up with it" "Stick it out for them" "stay so you don't hurt anyone"

You know this is causing you harm, and you're brave and strong enough to admit that. Even braver, you're willing to do what it takes to get better. Even if it means losing someone

At the end of the day, I believe we will all find our people. There are people out there that will be easy to be around. Will make you feel lighter, and more understood. You just gotta have faith in finding them.

#also like marie kondo the shit out of your social circle #if they dont spark joy drop em like its hot #i held my composure for the text but tags r where i run wild #also im very sleepy #i wish you the best #good luck! #answered

[minniti]

hey about that post you made about romanticizing pain; i don't really think that's true at all. it's a bit of a broad statement to say that "only people who have never felt pain" romanticize it. a lot of abuse survivors / people who have considered suicide do romanticize the things we've been through to help ourselves cope. i romanticized parts of my abuse for a really long time, and while it's not the best of coping mechanisms, i do think that a lot of the romanticized suicide and abuse (1/3)

content that’s published on tumblr especially is made by people like me, who romanticize self-destruction to help ourselves stop self-destructing. it’s not the best coping mechanism and it’s one that took me a long time to outgrow, and i definitely think that putting that kind of content online for people to consume and internalize can be bad. you definitely make a valid point about people romanticizing things that they haven’t experienced and that is bad, im not arguing with that. i dont (2/3)

know what exactly you’ve gone through or how you personally deal with that, i’m just trying to offer my own opinion. sorry if i’ve overstepped my bounds, or made you upset. i’m not trying to start a fight, i just think that the broad statement you made didn’t take some of the nuance of things like this into account. i really sincerely hope that you can heal from whatever you’re going through right now (3/3)

___

this is actually one of the most coherent anons i’ve gotten and i really appreciated your balance, so i’m going to take the time to answer this the best i can.

last month my close friend killed himself. after 5 years of friendship, millions of suicide jokes, a lifelong battle of depression and self-harm that i knew about, i woke up one morning and he was gone. 

i can not explain the immeasurable pain and mental failings that have plagued me since them. when i think about when my friend called me to tell me the news i feel like i’m physically going to puke. holding his screaming friend and i throwing shit in anger with them. being so distraught i stopped eating and drinking, and starting to get nosebleeds outright and losing about 5 pounds in a matter of two days. i could not think, i could not sleep, i could not do anything because my friend was alive in a measurable space of time that only got larger and larger to pull him from. i sat with his girlfriend at his funeral at the very back row while everyone turned around to look at her mourning, sickly, and i sat through a service where i could not feel him in slightest– even my religion had failed me. it would be an understatement to say i don’t go a day not thinking about him.  

the romanticization of mental illness will never be okay. if you are complacent in treatment because you will have some idea that this was brought upon you for some reason, i will tell you outright mental illness does not make any sense and has not picked you out for any reason. it just does not. you are not supposed to die, and you are not supposed to feel this way. this is like any other physical illness you need treatment for. i have no patience for people who continue this environment and culture of depression jokes because it doesn’t help in the long run. it just does not.

do you want to know one of his last tweets was? it was “I can’t make jokes about my depression anymore without people using the word “edgy” towards me in a condescending fashion” the level of depression-jokes has hit so “mainstream” thanks to those idiots who keep making them to the point no one believes anyone has it, and i’m guilty of this! it’s the “edgy” thing to say you want to die, and you know what, mentally healthy people have started to use them too!! i see people i know from school who do not have these issues or every mentioned them and ! “haha i need to drink bleach!” and you know what? we lost him!!! bc we were so desensitized to this kind of cry for help!!

a week before it happened i wrote a dumb fic about a character feeling so lost without their love they end up killing themselves. i have always written characters on the edge of suicide for the same reason a lot of people do, to cope. but from the bottom of my heart let me tell you the fucking pain i went through and continue to go through has been so much more than when i was severely depressed back in 2015. everything hurt more. suicide was no longer this holy means to an end that he and i used to talk about, it was real i was living it. i can fucking scream how much i hated that. when i say people who have never truly felt pain i mean this. if you have truly felt pain about this kind of thing you would know never to light of it, it any context. it’s honestly the most sickening thing i’ve ever had to live through. 

dealing with depression with jokes is only so funny before it breeds a sick culture of complacency in your mental illness. i was severely depressed for half of 2015 and i was incredibly guilty of making those jokes and romanticizing it, but i am also so very lucky to be alive today. you can’t take the chance of getting better by yourself because the reality you may die of it is too much of a risk. i can’t even tell you how angry i was, and continue to be, at my friend. he had a lot going against him, he was poc and queer and his parents hated it but he was sending in letters to princeton for polysci and had 4.6 gpa or something and had his entire life ahead of him. i loved him so much and miss him so much it hurts and??? suicide is the grossest thing in the world and romanticization leads to normalization and that leads to people like my friend stopping their lives before they even lived it and that is so scary so please. everyone just stop.

i wrote this mess the day it happened bc i couldn’t do much else if you care

some good ass pics of the boy a fucking star he was

#@ anon!! me using 'you' is not me directing it at you just people in general okay!! #i really appreciated your messages so it's more for like the people who think its ok #answered #anon #Anonymous