#what have i done to anger the gods?

[literatehistorylover]

AO3 is down again.

#ao3 #i am so distraught #my poor soul #why must i wait??? #what have i done to anger the gods? #why must i suffer so?

[201-klz-dead]

broo my tomach .. she hirt . this world is so mean to silly guys

#this shit will not stop #uterus gods what have i done to anger you. what sin hve i committed that 15 ibuprofen will not quench

[miammey]

Punishment

#context: Jouno losing his sight as punishment for angering a god #it’s been 2 thousand years and he still hasn’t gotten it back #makes you think of just what he could’ve possibly done #don’t ask why he doesn’t have clothes I thought it would be more dramatic this way #Death and Afterlife AU #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs manga #bsd hunting dogs #the hunting dogs #my art #art #bsd jouno #jouno saigiku

[thedreadvampy]

I tried listening to Olivia Rodrigo and I'm sure this is really good for its target audience of Teen Girls Going Through A Breakup but has she actually ever put out a song that isn't about a guy cheating, breaking up with her and moving on to someone else?

like babe he's not coming back it's been 2 years you gotta find something else in your life

#red said #it's not to my taste. tbh #content aside pop music is going through a very early 2000s breathy oversinging phase #hated it with xtina and alanis hate it with ariana and olivia sorry #it's a personal taste thing but to me however hard you go with the backing track that kind of soft pretty vocal style kind of #drags it back into midtempo sludge for me #also tbh it's just extremely normal music. like i went over to her yt bc people were talking about how Weird vampire is #it's not though????? it's super not???? #anyway the only one I've got anything out of is good 4 u cause she sounds more involved and less self-pitying on it #every other Olivia song I've heard sounds kinda the same bc they all have the same earnest self-pity vibe #which is what a lot of people need out of music! music that makes them feel the depth of their anger and sadness! #but idk it's never done it for me i like there to be something of a tongue in cheek or a hysterical edge #i think most of the songs I've heard from her are just too controlled and polished for them to not sound to me #like she's the person who sees you crying cause your partner is in hospital and goes YEAH I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL #MY EX CHEATED ON ME 5 YEARS AGO AND IT REALLY TRAUMATISED ME AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT and then you have to comfort her #like i recognise she's a 20 year old making music for teenagers so that is. appropriate. #but i struggled with the wallowing then too. were i a Teen at school with Olivia's character i would be so desperate to tell GROW UP #and it's not the lyrics it really is the music #heartbreak is a perfectly good theme to write on but oh my god not every song about it needs to be a mouthful call to arms

[thedragonsfate]

ok but helioc followers being doomed inherently if they have any tragic or untimely death because they're taught that "Helio wouldn't let that happen" and similar principles

Being taught to live for the afterlife but also to expect worldly challenges like murder/tragedy/etc are something you are like. Immune to somehow? In living?

You are devoted to Helio and in so you will have a peaceful death, one that is fair and just and I'm befitting circumstances. Or at least that if you are subject to a tragic death, Helio will be there to hold you with open arms and some kind of REASON. Something to bring a wholeness to the upset of not getting what you've been taught to expect.

This idea that you are helioc and so your death is Helioc. Helio must have a plan for you, and your death will not be untimely, and if it seems so it serves a greater purpose that is theologically rewarding. Because of course it does.

You are helioc and so you don't just die for no reason. Death is a moment of respite and a crossing into everlasting life and it will ALWAYS be for a greater reason if not simply your salvation.

Helioc followers (and followers of sol) learning that sense of disdain for their non or "wrongly" faithful peers due to that sense of superiority. That sense of superiority extending past your feelings about others and into your expectations for how you will pass into the afterlife.

That superiority creating a fellowship that EXPECTS Helio to save them in the living world - because you've been good, it's not your time yet, Helio wouldn't let that happen to you, his faithful servant. You are faithful and he would not punish you with a an unjustified death.

You are ENTITLED to a befitting death into afterlife because you are Good where the world is Bad and you do everything you can to remind those who do not follow your god, to relentlessly try to convert them, to fall into the trap you fell in so long ago shaped by fear, by a victim complex, by isolation from other groups that makes you hostile toward them, even if behind a smile.

A world that is Fundamentally and Observably polytheistic, where the Helioc unfortunate enough to befall a tragic, untimely, or unexplainable death are -doomed- to the faith upon meeting their Deity. Because unlike those of the faith who have passed peacefully or for their own martyrdom or whatever else, you show up to the corny gates and something is Wrong. Your god comes to you with love but he did not protect you in the way you're certain he was supposed to. In the way you were taught you DESERVED.

This is not a reward for your devotion and it cannot be justified. Your god is a Fratboy of Corn who is unable to answer your questions because to answer your questions truthfully would be to unravel the principles fundamental to your religion. To acknowledge that "bad things happen [to good people] because Things Happen" is to admit that being Helioc does not Save You from the wrath of the cosmos. That being Helioc does not make you uniquely and automatically good, and therefore safe from the happenstance of the world. That the good people you watched suffer did not Earn it in some way, they were just dealt that hand. The hard times befallen upon your worldly siblings is not something that happens because they weren't "devout enough."

to admit Helio is not inherently more holy than any other deity, is the kind of truth that can destroy this type of faith, and Helio needs to stay alive. Gods are not of the material, but they're dependent on their followers to survive. To bend to what their followers preach and create as their religion in this SPECIFIC way means that you can no longer be truthful about these matters when (if) they ask. In the right hands it could destroy him. He needs the unwavering faith the church has built to stay as strong as he has been, because that it how he's maintained the power he's had until now. He no longer knows another way. And that's excluding whatever influence Sol/the church of Sol has on him and his domain.

Helio not only cannot answer truthfully, but is DESTINED to get himself out of dodge quick upon being asked. Because as above so below, and the church is not known for its ability or willingness to take responsibility.

And if youre disillusioned enough, or angry enough, or sharp enough to put that together from an interaction in any way similar to Kristen's in freshman year, then the betrayal of your own God is GOING to take over.

Maybe you're like Kristen and you start asking questions, maybe you're like Buddy and take the rageful hand that offers to ressurect you the way your own God "should have".

But to die in the way they died automatically puts them in a position that if they are to get to heaven and ask questions, or have conflicting feelings strong enough to get you thinking, then they're DOOMED either to be disappointed with Helio or to dig deeper into deluding themselves. This of course will not always trigger a loss of faith, ans plenty of people leave the church in living for a myriad of reasons - we saw this with the summer of endless night. But there's something so interesting in the way the nature of your death could be further reinforcement of your ideals or completely shatter them in one fell swoop, even upon reaching the place of blessed afterlife.

because the Church of Helio seems different from the other religions we've seen in game in that over time the modern faith has been been BUILT on expectation and a sense of deserving more than others. And to die in a manner directly opposed to your own sense of entitlement is all that the latent anger may need to break that follower-deity relationship

Of course Kristen met Helio and was immediately unsure about her direction in life. On the other side of that coin, of course Buddy let his faith go to come back to life to serve a corrupt god of rage. They're children killed young and devout, who's deaths are orchestrated by powers out of their hands, and not in line with the ideals taught by your god.

The difference being how entrenched you are when that happens, and who's there to pull you out.

#long post #fhjy spoilers #Arthur the absolute madman that he is #grabbed Kristen by the hand and got her back out to the world #and into the embrace of her new and accepting non helioic friends #to help see her through a loss of faith that has to be reborn somewhere different. #In buddy's time of need he is met by an 'unnamed' God of rage #buddy's way back is through a corrupted force justifying his feelings of anger betrayal or whatever else #and should he return to his party #it is to a group of equally corrupted teenagers #who have been manipulated magically in this way that they CANNOT be there for him to have a crisis of faith #he comes back his hand in that some someone bent on conquest and a new purpose #whereas Kristen woke up with an openness that facilitated growth #I'm. idk i feel for buddy dawn. #bc it's incredibly difficult for Kristen to have done what she's done and leave the cult that raised her #and he didn't get that opportunity. #and I don't know that he will #SORRY goodness

[vampiremansionpoolboy-moved]

going insane over the fact that happiness and care and concern and love is underneath every interaction between newt and hermann in pacific rim

#HEAR ME OUT. they’re introduced and newt and being a groupie and behind him hermann is all huffing and rolling his eyes and shaking his #head but he’s Not Angry. no. he jumps to defend newt albeit in a somewhat mocking and sarcastic way BUT THE THOUGHT IS THERE. and then when #hermann is rambling on about numbers being the handwriting of god newt is in the background smiling and laughing and making silly #hand motions and yes the hand motion was a bit mocking BUT THATS THEIR WHOLW THINF. anyways i’m not done. when newt drifts with the kaiju #and pentecost is there talking to him and hermann and newt r yelling back in forth u can hear the unease and shakiness in their voices and #especially the frustration in hermanns. he’s frustrated abt newt risking his life and is worried abt that which translates out in anger. #and yeah maybe he’s salty abt being proven wrong too lmao. BUT CONTINUING ON. stacker could have just told newt to go to hannibal chau and #he would have done it. but instead they watch the film of him on HERMANNS computer as HERMANN controls the computer to look at the film. if #thé film was shown it was for a reason. newt doesn’t seem like the type to need reassurance abt chau before he goes. he was willing to die #for his trash drift. and stacker gave him the card and info so there’s no need to do anything else. the video is most likely there for the #viewers but it needs a reason to be there in the show. hence my reasoning that HERMANN asked to see it out of concern for newt who would be #doinf this alone. hermann demanded to see some proof to reassure himself. stacker having the card on him makes sense. him having that bulky #tape doesn’t. meaning hermann pressured him into leaving getting the tape and coming back to show him. anyways one more bit. so the drift. #hermann is clearly scared out of his mind and thinking abt the impending triple event. yet he still drifts with newt he does it to protect #him to take part of the neural load. and it takes a toll on hermann it makes a big enough mess of his brain that he ends with him bleeding #and shaking and sweating and coughing and throwing up. and he knew it would take a toll. he knew it would be a lot he’s seen the jaegers. #he’s seen what happens. he knows it will be rough. he knows it’ll be much worse for him who wasn’t drifted then for newt who has. yet he #still does it to help newt and to show his care and trust and concern and love and THEYRE DRIFT COMPATIBLE U DONT UNDERSTANDABLE HOW #EMOTIONAL I AM OVER THIS FUCKING OVER THEM #anyways one last thing. the way that they full body slapping each other on the back bear hugged when the throat collapsed (they were behind #herc and tendo so it was a little hard to see. i missed it the first time) in pure adrenaline happiness before we see the quiet tender hug #when they know everything is over for good (for now at least) when it’s time to celebrate when it time to think abt their drift and their #bond and their relationship and their LOVE. i’m so ok abt them rn actually #toad.txt #i wish i wrote this in a keep reading bit and not the tags now. anyways #pacific rim #pacific rim spoilers #newton geiszler #hermann gottlieb #newmann

[ardate]

.

#just me rambling #badvibe #god. i feel so let down by my friends these days #it's been a billion things piling up for many many weeks #and right now i just got told by a friend with whom I was supposed to go to a convention that she forgot I was coming #so she won't be able to pick me up cuz she's going with her mom instead #we made plans for visiting that city in the morning before going to the convention and all. #i put it down in my agenda and moved plans around to accomodate for it. but she straight up... #entirely forgot i was supposed to be there #she forgot about me #and i'm SO. FUCKING DONE. ABOUT BEING AN AFTERTHOUGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME #this is just too fucking much. between this and my childhood friend who acts distant w me ever since there was a dumbass quiproquo #where i have to fucking work hard everytime at creating a good atmosphere whenever we see each other cuz she wont put in that effort #and another friend who's been utterly ignoring me on purpose for some fucking goddamn reason i don't know why or what i did #ignoring me or being rude other times #all of those are just examples but its been so many things #i have been. SO fucking patient with everyone. ive helped them so many times too- sometimes to my own loss #i've been so kind and understanding despite my personal struggles - keeping my feelings of anger and injustice at bay #and i get what in response? i'm fucking. forgotten i guess. pushed aside. treated like a nuisance #i feel like its at the point where the closer they are to me the less effort they put in. cuz i'm a given now. they can treat me like shit #they treat strangers better than their close friend cuz they know i'll just take it. or smth. i'm a punching ball for bad moods #i'm done being the understanding one. what about that. what if others were the ones having to come to me and be kind instead #what if i was the one people coddled and offered sympathy to for once in my fucking life #idk. just fucking explode #i feel so disrespected. and uncared for #and so deeply unloved #i'm done. i'm done #the convention thing was just the fucking hammer to break my back after everything #i'm so deeply heartbroken #do i matter to the people i care about

[woohooincoffin]

Solas says I know a place and takes you to the middle of a swamp where he insults your culture, religious beliefs, and then dumps you.

#yeah im still thinking about this and its the next day #he might be telling the truth about the Vallaslin but my inquisitor did not let him remove it #I’ve played her as very proud to be dalish and believes in elven gods so it would be out of character even if solas says something else #maybe that’s what it represented then but it is not what it is now and she chooses to move forward #about the breakup … this is not the first time a man takes me on a date and dumps me 😭😭 but hey um wtf #honestly my lavellan does love him and is hurt but she has to be so many things to so many different people #there’s bigger things at stake and bigger problem to deal with at this time than whatever he's hiding or lying about #im pretty sure he was going to say something else not about the vallaslin #but his fear is dying alone becasue i saw it in the fade and yet !!!! he pushes everyone away he picks fights with everyone no matter whos #in the party he didnt come to the wicked grace game he never opens up beyond what he has seen in the fade. he is a fixed point #i wanna shake him by the shoulders and YELL WHATA RE YOU DOING you could have it all someone who loves you and a wonderf #a wonderful found family. he is kind and gentle but he is also so full of ANGER and he is so set on things being as he sees them. #Cole cant change because to Solas cole is always a spirit. the dalish are misguided and YOU Lavellan are just different YOURE special #the meaning of the vallaslin cant change because to him it represents slavery and it is in stone to him. things dont change with time they #are fixed. like things in the fade it what it was preserved. he is trying to hold on to a past that doesnt exist that has moved forward. #Solas says you cant change yourself by wishing. but i would say wishing for change is THE required prerequisite for change. a little though #a little idea a little wish that something was different better. but to #why cant you move forward Solas what the fuck are you holding onto so intesely #OKAY WHATEVER IM DONE WITH THIS ESSAY IM OVER IT ITS FINE ITS SO FINE

[leatherbookmark]

oh god okay i understand that maybe not everyone is as indecisive/comfortable with saying "it depends!" as me, but like, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, but i just can't take people who call izzy a villain seriously

#he's a little annoying dude. i swear to fuck #'the real villain in the show is the system and izzy is siding with the system' babygirl he's a pirate 😭 he really isn't 😭 #he could NOT more clearly be -- he literally IS -- that kind of gay man who wears his leathers and anger as an armor because being scary ha #been his way of fighting The System => being consumed and destroyed by it; and who looks down and feels disgusted by flamboyant #and effeminate soft-handed gays because if they're this soft then they clearly haven't experienced this kind of abuse that would make them #harden up. ....you know what i mean. #like idk this show in general like... doesn't have a 'villain'? it's about stede (and ed's) journey and their development. not necessarily #about their Conflict With Someone/Something. i guess it might change in s2 but idk. there are just Situations in which they find themselves #and because of/md is a comedy no one really... holds things against other characters in a long-term way? izzy stabs stede and sells him #out to the english and ed punches him for the latter (which he says 'ok fair' about!!! like!!!) but does he go 'and for all the shit you've #done i'm Firing you as my first mate? no! he slams him against the wall and feeds him his toe but he's like. ok get up and back to work #and he doesn't seem particularly disgusted or upset with him in that final blackbeard's flag 2.0 moment. (nor manipulated; inb4) #like. it's a workplace romcom. the workplace is a pirate ship but it's a workplace and izzy is that annoying coworker who's a bitch and #often ruins everyone's fun but no one like... Seriously ostracizes him. more like applies some light bullying BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY. #COMEDY. do we remember that? #and like. it seems he's going to have a bit of a larger (?) role in s2... it really doesn't seem like the show sees him as a 'villain' or #even an active 'antagonist' either. like ok let's agree 2 disagree and may both sides block each others' asses into oblivion because god #knows both sides have some annoying people but mannnn sometimes... insisting that things Can be divided into Good and Bad... is worse? #shrimp thoughts #once again i wrote a tag novel about an incredibly silly thing. welcome to leatherbookmark

[thebleedingeffect]

.

#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere #one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions #so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so #despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself #and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral #it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me #not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared #and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her #I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else #but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult #and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side #to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side #she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences #and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control #religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk #having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe #she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough #I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike #and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends #because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting #now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side #it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks. #ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i #shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and #i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but #like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure. #whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i #should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh. #i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i #do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18 #days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno #how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do #something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do #i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its #like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be #miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do? #try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can #tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends? #id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st #roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can #never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated #unrelated

[cherrysnax]

need to preface this by saying I looooove Felicia sm but god it’s so frustrating that when she pops up she gets to keep her personality, her depth, her everything, even in like her very few appearances but MJ has to get EVERYTHING WIPED AWAY even in the comics??? but literally the only close to faithful adaptions of her are spectacular, some of the 90s show and PART of the raimi movies and it’s only slivers!!!! And usually if mjs around Gwen doesn’t exist so we never the catalyst to her and peters bond, their shared grief that Peter can’t understand at first <\3

#and tbh Felicia is getting done DIRTY rn #but so is like. everyone rn #aand I hate to compare two bad bitches to each other #but what I liked about mj Felicia and Gwen is how DIFFERENT THEY ARE #i hate how they make post death Gwen into some pure angel as if she didn’t hate superhero’s and woulda leave Peter a verbal lashing #because she didn’t know he was spider-man when she died and that’s the tragedy!!! Gwen was never perfect none of them were #mj. god I can’t even talk about her without getting angry. they’re massacring my girls yall #even outside of their relationships with Peter they were such rich characters… Gwen a lil less but still! #I just want a semi-faithful adaption of spider-man in his college years up until adulthood #let him be a science teacher let mj be a model/actress/drama teacher who despite not being a superhero knows something about living two live #let Felicia be her morally grey self without taking away her depth #let Gwen rest. I’m #tired of them bringing her back and holding her over peters head as if he didn’t finally get to move on. he loved her. he loved her so much #that he respects her memory by not letting the world stop anymore. she’s dead but let her have her anger her flaws. the fact that she was #a bit of a bully in the beginning was interesting!!! I love women <3 #anyway I’m gonna read renew ur vows and parralell lives and maydays run and pretend Peter b Parker is 616 Peter #also also this isn’t to say the Felicia doesn’t get watered down too because she does. they treat her so bad

[linddzz]

"are you proship or anti?" I don't care

#i know people get Big Opinions and damage has been done but G O D #i dont care about this fight #i can not summon the emotional energy to pick a side of a cesspit of internet drama when like #theres so much more i feel its worth getting mad at #'are you anti-anti i need to know before i follow' i spent my emotional labor chips coming up with contingency plans #for what to do if my marriage gets dissolved #why tf would i declare a side in some ultra niche internet war over the nuances of censorship #or nuances of kink i guess??? idk what the lines of this stupid fight are about because i know enough to know its way more complex and dumb #than how people smash their blorbos faces together #even these tags are more thought than i wanted to put into it #i dont care this does not actually effect wider society it is a distraction from legit problems #im so. friggin tired. of seeing it everywhere. oh my god. #anyway ill probably delete later its just every time this stupid fight comes across my dash its more and more clear to me #that no one could have made a more perfect psyops to derail peoples anger #to be clear i dont think its a formulated psyops i think people did this on their own and its dumb

[ase-trollplays]

Would Alcoholics Anonymous even be something that exists on Alternia?

#nattering about nothing #there's a lot of people with therapist trolls #so logically support groups like AA and the like would exist too #but I'm still concerned it'd be a stretch #Corali's going to need a lot of support after her Oh God What Have I Done Moment #and getting sober as a result of it #she also needs anger management #and probably a moirail to keep her on track with both

[phantaloon]

.

#am i in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable when talking to my very christian friends about how devoted they are to their religion #when i feel like all the christian religion has done to me is hurt me? #like arguments here and there that were birthed by christianity that directly harm my existence #I've been told by my own father that christianity calls all queer people abominations of life that's it not fucking natural #I've been told by priests that i should behave a certain way otherwise it would be my ruination #all my fucking life christianity has been used to make me submit to this ideal woman i should be #and it's made me hate it so fucking deeply #like deep down i am still catholic I've left behind what the church preaches and internalized what believing in god is for me #but i do not want to know what the christian church be that whatever christian church wants to say #i don't have to enjoy the fact that my friend goes to practice her faith at a place that wants be dead should i? #am i just projecting my anger? my hurt? #i feel angry when she tells me what she did at church and then i feel. guilty bc why am i like that #but then i try to convince myself that it's okay that it's valid for me to feel mad bc of how much pain the church has cost me #but I'm still so unsure idk how to feel and it upsets me when i feel things that i shouldn't when i should be happy for her #i wish i could talk to anyone about this ngl

[gentlesounds]

.

#…i literally finally broke this weird feud me n my brother have like I truly don’t understand him but I love him so much even though #he’s done terrible ass things n like. I’m not gonna sit there and think I’m above anyone telling them what they’ve done wrong like the guilt #you have to live w for ur actions is already enough like that doesn’t mean accountability but I literally physically can’t go to bed #with this on my conscience any longer like i will just pray every single day in ramadan for him and ask Allah to forgive him and forgive me #for being so petty but it’s like those that can’t hear must feel and I know I broke his heart bc he didn’t expect me to take it there #and for MONTHS at that but he knows now don’t ever try that shit w me ever again bc when I love you you never have to worry #but when I’m not you will feel misery n I really don’t ever resort to that but I had no choice and like all that anger was poisoning me #like you are fighting demons bigger than me my pride and ego isn’t above anyone or above God and I learned so much from this #idk if this will change anything I sorta felt like if I do this am I betraying myself for what he’s done but forgiving him frees me not him #so in a way I’m also responsible so I’m rlly proud of myself for standing up for myself with dignity n conviction I’ve dealt w enough pain #one by one I’m gonna let go of everything and free myself and live my life I’m not a victim