#when you know smth bad is coming

[jade-len]

you know it's bad when i read svsss and tgcf, stories about just two guys falling in love and getting together, and think, "god i wish i were in between them."

gay little domestic cottage core life with binghe and qingqiu? please and thank you. being sandwiched by hua cheng and xie lian, two pretty men who are hundreds of years old? i am blushing, kicking my feet and giggling

and again, it's not even that i would want only one of them. like in both of the relationships, the two love each other too much to the point it'd feel wrong if they were separated! it wouldn't feel complete, so you gotta be with both of them!

but that's the thing; i just?? i feel so incredibly guilty whenever i think about being loved by these mxtx couples??? like it's so stupid but i feel like i'm intruding in on something and it's like, everyone else seems to just want them together only, not wanna be with them. like it's fuckin taboo or whatever

i feel like with any other character from any other media it'd be fine to simp for and write/read x readers of them, but when it comes to these books, it's off limits! no way, what are you, crazy? yes, yes i'm unhinged and desperately want their love and affection simultaneously. i want to be in a happy little poly relationship with these overpowered beautiful men with long hair.

i can't be the only guy or whoever to feel this way?? to wanna be kissed by these characters? sandwiched?? i have two hands for christ sake and they all look so happy together and im just like "lord i wanna be with them so much". someone tell me i'm not alone cmon <\3

#okay i havent read mdzs yet but i'll probably feel the same way #god i just wanna be in between shen qingqiu and binghe or hua cheng and xie lian please please #im sad im queer and im ready for a gay poly relationship with these mfs #i love them all #i remember seeing some post where it was like 'hua cheng x fem reader headcanons' #and i was like 'huh thats interesting. not fem but i'll check it out bc ive never rlly seen anything like that' #and then it was like 'he'd leave you for xie lian' and it was fucking hilarious actually #but then i saw the comments on that post and they were all like 'omg i was about to unfollow and block you' 'thank god' etc #and i was just like #'damn?? do people really not like this type of stuff when it comes to danmei novels or smth?' #i don't know if it was just bc it said fem reader or bc yk it's danmei and hua cheng and xie lian are very much in love and happy #but it lowkey kinda got me self conscious lmao and i was hella feeling bad #also no hate to that poster or those commenters im just a lonely queer man #'he would leave you for xie lian' was fucking brutal though i laughed my ass off at thag KAHSNZJ #please i swear i wont stand out too much i can fit in i have long luxurious hair too let me show you my hair care routine guys </3 #svsss #mxtx svsss #luo binghe #bingqiu #tgcf #heavens official blessing #mxtx tgcf #mxtx novels #mxtx characters #hua cheng #xie lian #hualian #shen qingqiu #the scum villain's self saving system

[generalsmemories]

every time i see someone shit on the xianzhou story quest on twitter i die a little bit inside.

#narus' corner #SO LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW EVERYONE HATED XIANZHOU BECAUSE EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS AND ANCESTORS HAD PULLED UP THEORY AFTER THEORY #AND WHEN SAID THEORY DID NOT FCKING GO ALONG WITH WHAT THE ACTUAL WRITERS HAD IN STORE HELL BROKE LOOSE #ion think u understand #maybe im biased. i probably am but the way hoyoverse tackled immortality with xianzhou is quite bittersweet honestly #YA'LL WANTED UR DOOMED YAOI AND YURI AND TBH ME TOO BUT THEY ARE STILL FCKING DOOMED EVEN IF SOME THEORIES DID NOT GO AS MOST SHIPPERS WANT #THEY STILL DOOMED MILADYS AND GENTS AND NONBINARY PEEPS DAN HENG IS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AS WE SPEAK. #u look at xianzhou and see predecessors suffering the consequences of what their ancestors wanted because of immortality and vow to stop it #because they been fighting people against GALAXIES who wants a taste of that immortality who also don't KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF IT WHICH I #LITERALLY GETTING MARA-STRUCK WHENEVER UR MEMORIES OVERLOAD FROM LIVING TOO LONG AND GO: damn this was shit writing cause i didn't understa #IMMA AAAH #eternal wars where when u find peace after winning you DON'T BECAUSE YOU TURN MARA-STRUCK FROM THE AMOUNT OF TRAUMA U HAVE #when immorality isn't immortality in a sense u can't be killed but long lifespan but then u can't even live said long lifespan #because u get mara-struck from participating in wars to protect AND YA'LL COME OVER HERE AND SAY BAD WRITING?! #and don't come with what the fuck is phantylia doing #ion think u understand how fucked we would've been if phantylia managed to actually absorb that ambrosial arbor AS A GODDAMN EMANATOR #OF DESTRUCTION OF ALL THINGS?! YA'LL WANT INFINITE HEALING WHILE GETTING BLASED OR SMTH!?! #and the aftermath which was probs the most hated on #imma just. #imma shut up LMFAO

[stupidrant]

im seeing the pattern of being an atreus/angrboda fan (or u just like them) and having to go through this weird initiation process of: liking them in the game (wether its themselves, their relationship or both), then trying to find content of them only to be shocked to see a bunch of haters (on both sides but angrboda gets it the worst and thrud is often times oddly used against her), only to then get severely disappointed and realize u probably have to do a bit of contribution yourself which isnt bad but it sucks when its characters that are ridiculously hated 😭😭😭

#Putting the girls against each other for a dude is sooo tired and with them is completely unnecessary and makes no sense #“IRONWOOD IS TRAHS ITS 5 HOURS LONGGG AND SHES A PIECE OF SHIT BITCH CUNT” IVE SEEN PPL SAY THIS #Like what yall like but the problem is mfs get CRAZY when it comes to angie in particular i be like girl…?::?!::&/&!;! #then expect nobody to say smth like umm u good bruv? Cuz the way u dtm over a vg character is concerning #Things have gotten a bit better but im just pointing out the pattern of becoming a A/A fan 😭😭 #Im sure it is gonna lift by next game but it doesnt mean i cant get annoyed behind it still #This is def one the most mentally stagnated fandom ive seen and thats saying ALOT #We already know its cuz the dudebros want to be kratos so bad #you mfs will never be that man. #atreus #angrboda #god of war ragnarok #god of war #Gowr #Gow #God of war fandom #shitdom

[da-proti-toku-grem]

how do you know the difference between a huge anxiety attack and a panic attack?

#i think i had a panic attack yesterday but idk...... #god it felt so awful and it went on for like 3 hours #but i also had like a hundred things going on so idk if it was like the accumulation of everything or if it was really a panic attack yk #i was at the fair with my family waiting for my best friend to arrive bc i was going to hang out with her #and yk it's a place full of people and we were standing right next to a huge speaker hearing a man talk #and also each place in the fair has different music playing super loud and you can hear all of them at the same time (+ the flashing lights #all that causes me anxiety every since i was little (even if i didn't know it was anxiety back then) #so i *knew* i was going to have the greatest time and i didn't really want to go there in the first place #but even with that i wasn't really haven't a bad time (yet) #we were just stading there and i was waiting for my friend to call me so we could go somewhere else #she called me to tell me she was coming and right when i hung up the phone i felt a really strong pang on my belly #and idk at first i thought it was period cramps but it was weird bc my period had actually stopped that same morning #also i had taken a painkiller right before going there bc all that i mentioned earlier also gives me migraines so there's that too #so yeah the pangs kept getting stronger and it hurt so fucking bad to the point my legs started trembeling #my vision blured and every sound around me seemed to almost fade away #there wasn't any place i could sit down so i gad to cling to my dad and he had to hold me so i didn't fall to the ground #i think i almost (?) fainted in his arms too #after a while the dizzines went away and my dad went to get me smth to drink and i mostly got my hearing and vision back to normal #all that was like 10 minutes max but then the pangs kept hitting every minute or so for the next 3 hours #we found a place to sit and find smth to eat but i couldn't eat anything without wanting to throw up #my legs wouldn't stop shaking like fucking crazy and i kept going from feeling like i was freezing to sweating from how hot i felt #idk i've had smth like this (w/o the pangs) happen to me before a bunch of times but never That strong and it usually lasted 5-10min max #we ended up having to go home and i had to take some more painkillers and my sleeping pills to be able to calm down a little #i'm pretty sure i fell asleep from exhaustion after everything and i'm still feeling a bit weird after almost 24 hours since it happened #anyways. the thing is idk if all that was caused bc of my anxiety #or if it was smth completely unrelated and i just had such a bad tummy ache that it made me feel bad enough to cause All That yknow #i think it felt pretty much like how i've heard people describe a panic attack but again i'm not sure #yeah......... #maca speaks

[skitskatdacat63]

Can someone assure me it's okay that I haven't finished any drawings in over a week 😭😭

#apathy :) #its like. impossible to assure myself its okay to take a break #yknow you see other people post so frequently #and you somewhat feel like you're falling behind #i cant keep up waugh #lol tho i wonder if I'll have a sudden desire to draw once finals week starts in a couple weeks #i assure you that when i have to work on a bunch of big assignments #my brain will suddenly be like DRAW DRAW DRAWK #its just annoying when you have a good amnt of freetime and you cant kick your brain into gear #I've been sketching but ahhhh just a lot of concept stuff #i have an idea for a chibi comic but i want to pair it w a full drawing #so uhhh thats never happening dhfjkg not happening for a bit ig #i need to come up w more chibi comics #easier and faster to draw and they dont kill me :) #it just feels lesser idk why #tumblr is my diary atp sry djfkkglg #i used to write down on paper or my notes app when i was in a bad mood #but god that shit is sooooo bitter and i cant reread it at all #theres smth about knowing im putting myself out there that keeps it a bit calmer #and it feels more comforting :) #catie.rambling.txt

[themyscirah]

Suffering more than Jesus atm (being a fan of 80s/90s Suicide squad in 2024)

#god amanda waller what did they do to you.... #i KNOW i never shut up about this but GUYS ITS SO BAD #fucking WHY would you take the interesting antihero protagonist and then strip her of any redeeming quality and use her as this horrific #unforgivable villain who is treated as a hated antagonist in her own comics #WHERE SHE ISNT EVEN THE MAIN CHARACTER MOST OF THE TIME #like why are you trying to make me sympathize with fucking harley quinn or smth when the actual main character is right there. why are we #turning her into this horrific villain w a million master plans making deals with the devil and shit. #we are supposed to like her. like maybe not all dc fans do because shes almost always an antagonist in other books but in her own shes the #main character!!! there should be some aspect of interest or sympathy for her. as opposed to just making her like badass or whatever #so sick of this #and its in freaking EVERYTHING right now on god i cant read other comics that are otherwise good (like ga) and enjoy them without the #obligatory intense demonification of one of my fave characters #like shes my no 6 in locg for a reason i genuinely love waller like yeah she sucks sometimes but shes INTERESTING. #this is not interesting or creative in any way what theyre doing with her #this genuinely could have been any government baddie like honestly #dont flatten 3 dimensional characters into 1 dimension (or at best like 1.5) to tell a story you tell the story around the 3d characters. #why do i need to say this. basic competent storytime #blah #amanda waller #istg i throw out another waller rant every freaking tuesday on here #suicide squad #you know what. at least we had the movie #you heard me. higher hopes for the new gunn dceu series than actual comics for the forseeable future #viola davis save me... #need to do a bit of 00s reading still to verify but on god watch this all come down to a fucking new 52 thing. like not to say that i think #thats where it all went wrong bc i need to read more to verify but i have an idea of what rlly did it and i think it was a nu52 decision #but then again maybe im stupid

[munamania]

i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there

#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru #but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days #and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay! #and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing #i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail #i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time #not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me #im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me #anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early #i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great #and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most #expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth #but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans #but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated #about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like #u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends #w yall. things happen #abby talks #and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw #a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes #OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it #was years ago but also like christ!

[strangledlullaby]

a strangled red hc i have is that steven and mikes parents are not present because they travel a lot to other regions for their jobs and as a result mike chose to not become a pokemon trainer when he was younger because he didnt want to leave steven alone (then when steven becomes a pokemon trainer he suggests that mike could come with him since he does feel a bit bad about mike missing out on it initially)

#pokepasta #strangled red #strangled red mike #strangled red steven #its still headcanon when its basically just my own version of the strangled red story where i am stretching 'canon' like putty right #and their current fate? who knows lol mikes an adult by the time strangled reds events begin so theyd jst b living on their own probably #tbh both started kind of late when the minimum age you can become a trainer is 10-11 #but other games some of the trainers are 14 so whatevr. in strangled red whats Canon-canon is messed with anyways #i actually did want to write smth related to this hc (the one the post is about not my tag rambling) #it was kind of a mike pov of him growing up trying to be a good brother leading up to. You Know #but i kind of ran out of steam and havent had the spoons to come back to it cuz immm not a writing pro <3 #me when i want to make strangled red content so bad but im not good at making thecontent

[chillllii]

when the audhd is fun until you become "i really really really have to give my input/side/idea and i dont give a fuck who's talking or what everyone was initially talking about" and before this site's illiteracy kicks in i'm certain we're all guilty of this to some extent

#well i'm not fucking talking to you am i #this is not directed at every reader but i think even if you think ''i'm not that bad #chilllli yelps #not everything autism/adhd/audhd does is cool we do annoying shit sometimes and that's just a fact that yall dont wanna hear #it's also ok to make mistakes and it's ok for your brain to have flaws #but also when you interrupt people to say smth that either no one cared to hear. no one was even saying. or fuck maybe someone already said #it. it's a little fucking annoying and when you do it over and over and over and over sometimes people get sick of your shit #you have flaws you are imperfect and your ego will be your social death if you do not learn to allow others to speak #fuck #if people start screaming at me btw cause i said smth that's true i'm blocking and deleting that shit #work on yourself #i also know yall are gonna be like ''oh well *I* never interrupt people and when i do i apologize you should at least do a small self evalua #just a small ''well do i listen to my friends very well? do i listen to the conversation i am a part of?" #also to yall who go into discord calls and lurk but sometimes talk think ''when i speak is it actually relevant to some extent? #or if you REALLY wanna talk about it it's ok just try to find a way to segway into what you wanna talk about cause that's how conversations #work. #i dont really expect this post to go anywhere tbh i'm just kinda frustrated cause i know a lotta neurodivert people who do this and idk how #say that interrupting people is annoying and disrespectful cause i know the brain chemical gets excited when it has smth it wants to talk- #about #i love you and i want you to tell me things. i also want to say things and when you talk over me to tell me things it comes off as you not #giving a fuck what i or others even are saying cause you're taking over the conversation with your shit that's irrelevant and no one has- #mentioned #idk i think i'm tired of seeing people be disrespected all the time but not knowing a polite way to tell them that they need to wait their- #turn to speak and when it's appropriate to change the subject

[exopelagic]

sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase

#going to find a time machine and get my younger self into death note or smth #I have been driving myself insane for the past few years bc I wanna draw characters but all I know how to do is portraits #I’m trying to figure out how I could recreate smth similar now and tragically I think it does just come down to draw more :/ #however! I am also going to try using brushes which will be bad for sketchiness and better for lineart bc I might need to force myself here #I just gotta simplify things down to basic shapes how hard can it be #[has been thinking this exact thing for years and it’s not worked] #I am getting better every time I do stuff I’m just not satisfied bc art is frustrating when you know what you want but can’t get there #god it’s 2am I should not be awake rn but I could draw again tonight so I was taking advantage #endlessly frustrated by hair. why is it so awkward. I need to understand hair better how do I do this #i have a feeling it’s bc I’ve not figured out how to apply the shit I figured out abt volume yet #I’m also getting impatient bc I’ve been trying to do a study thing for some art styles but I decided I wanted to draw ocs instead of that #when I hadn’t gotten to the actually important bit which was. making smth new. but I can still do that #and I ended up doing a different style anyway (someone pls stop me rounding everything make me use high opacity square brush for my health) #the Other problem is I never wanna switch brushes. like I want to use one brush for whole drawing bc the extra clicks annoy me #I wonder if there’s a shortcut to swap brushes #anyway I’m gonna stop complaining bc drawing is fun but god I wish I’d drawn some more pokey mans when I was a teenager yknow #ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn #I’m probably overthinking stuff anyway honestly and I KNOW I’ll get it if I practice enough but goddamn it is hard to practice #especially when my me insists on making the bad things look better by making it more realistic #instead of figuring out why the shapes aren’t working #OKAY IM DONE WITH THIS NOW. GONNA TRY NEW ART THINGS LATER STOP TALKING <3 #luke.txt

[dandyshucks]

if I try to mess with the eyes on the first one anymore I'm going to lose my mind DBDNDML so here have some self insert art,,,, also the houndoom was largely copied from someone else's art (dvixie/SkyVixie on deviantart, the art seems to have been taken down from their gallery though, I just found the art on pinterest and then had to track down the artist fjfkdl idk why ppl repost art with no credit 😭), I was trying to just get a feel for drawing them so I figured (HEAVILY) referencing someone else's piece would be alright for this sort of personal art thing!!

#aaaand I'll turn off rbs too djdksl i dont want to take any credit for that houndoom #i changed a couple minor things but dbfkdl it rly is just me looking at that other person's art and trying to draw it myself #it was good for getting a feel for how to draw them though!!! this was before the other art featuring houndoom i did a while ago #so i think it helped a lot to be able to draw houndoom again on my own this time fjfkdjdl #gave me a feel for placement and anatomy and whatnot #i know copying is largely considered to be Bad in the art community but if u do it the right way i think it can be beneficial to ur art #u just have to be careful and not claim credit for it fjdkl like... idk be smart and respectful #i think this is the first time I've ever done smth like this actually SNDKSL #the closest i get to copying is using free-to-use pose bases occasionally and even then i sometimes clarify in the tags that im using one #every day i fear someone will walk up and show all the drawings I've used free-to-use pose bases for #and be like AHA. I'VE FOUND YOU OUT. YOU'RE A FAKE ARTIST!!!! #and its like... no... i just like using free-to-use pose bases sometimes DBDJDKL #takes out the work of figuring out posing sometimes when im tired of coming up w my own fjfkdl #ANYWAYS. RAMBLE OVER SORRY SNDJFKDL #moral of the story: if u copy art just do it in a respectful and clear way and don't take credit for it when its not yours sbdjdksl #okay im going to skedaddle off this post before i stick my foot in my mouth if i havent already djdkdls WAUGH i am afraid of posting this #but i want to share self insert stuff somewhere sjfjdkl and i like the human posing i did on the second one so... SIGH. #dandy.cmd #doodlebug.png #junebug 🪲

[silverislander]

have discovered a new enemy while doing research for the honours essay. why are you pretending to understand psychology and BLATANTLY misinterpreting actual terms and concepts in order to tear down a movie aimed at teenage girls, my good bitch. i'm going to start biting

#you got the WRONG BITCH bc you just hit on two of my biggest interests (zombie movies and psychology) at once #FIRST of all. you dont have the credentials to be talking abt this and it shows bc why dont you know what psychotic means!! #simple shit!! you want to pretend you know psychology dont fuck up psychopathology psychopathy and psychosis! all different things! #you can BARELY conceive of narcissism. a one off joke about how a character recognizes his flaws and wishes he was respected more #is NOT proof to label someone as a fucking narcissist oh my god. id actually argue the complete opposite #you are accusing A Zombie of being abusive based on (checks notes) being scary looking eating brains and /protecting a girl/ #bc uhhhhhhh smth smth dark triad smth smth twi/ight #last time i checked thats literally just fucking normal ass zombie shit + him being NICE!! #its not male gaze 'ocular aggression' bestie he cant blink. hes dead. #talking about how the zombie is unrepentantly creepy when he Literally worries about coming off as creepy In The Movie out loud #SECONDLY to circle back why are you so stressed about twilight. thats not even the subject of the chapter #(there are good critiques of those movies but this is not that) #your book came out in 2015 why were you still shitting your pants and crying that girls were having fun 3yrs ago at the EARLIEST #reaching so fucking hard to 'um ackshewally [thing that teenage girls like] bad' im shocked you didnt throw your fuckin back out #your arguments are nonsensical your positions reveal an alarming level of sexism and you should be ashamed #levi.txt #believe it or not im having fun rn. im funny complaining not angry complaining #w@rm b0dies isnt a Good movie but i will go to bat for it actually. let teenage girls have fun garbage #god knows adult men have enough of their own to choose from ESP in this genre #and its a movie that has a lot of interesting shit someone could analyze!! im focusing on it as a representation of changing feminism #but id love to see a reading of its portrayal of zombiehood as disability + its cure narrative #or critiquing how it writes its female characters bc admittedly theyre bad ngl #or on how survival is represented in comparison to films like zomb!e/and (which i also love) where you 'earn' survival with competence! #genuinely there is even smth to be said for the problematic nature of the brain eating element. id be intrigued by that paper #i dont think its much worse than the play the movie is based on? but its not nothing #it Is ultimately a little bit fucked up and i dont think the movie explores it enough #but noooooo we gotta talk about how the zombie is a narcissistic abuser bc of the brain eating. ok

[fox-guardian]

whata up with the time travel fic?

that's a very good question! *walks off stage*

#fg's answers #asks #listen. listen. things have happened in the nebulous outline i have in my brain void for this fic #in short it needs to be rewritten. not that much was written. idk maybe ill leave it #but ultimately. Ultimately. i am not primarily a writer. idk if y'all noticed. #i dont wanna put out a few chapters and then leave people hanging when i have a long fic planned #however. i also dont write very often. perhaps you see my dilemma #if i ever post the fic. YAY! but also if i don't. apologies for having hyped it up so much alsjaksjsk #also if this comes off as annoyed or smth thats my bad. im not upset im just Very Sleepy and am about to go to sleep lol so i might be Off #might change my blog header about it idk what id make it tho #edit: realizing this person may not actually know What The Fic Is. hm. #in that case: BASICALLY i had a fic idea back in 2020 made a couple comics about it said id write it #and then Never Finished It. or posted any chapters anywhere. #its at like 30k words now and it's barely started. idk if thats good or not. #anyway thats proof of how sleeby i am gn

[violentdevotion]

I had multiple dreams last night.

I had a bf </3

someone in my family got bit by a zombie </3

some guy made me explain narrative structure to him </3

#ameera speaks #1 expanded) it was someone ik in real life 😔 which sucks soooo bad anyway he was at mine and we were watching a movie in my bed on my #laptop < (loser behaviour) and okay so im lying by referring to him as my bf bc we were just friends in the dream but then he started like #acting well intimate and i wasnt not into it so i was like hey whats going on here and we had a talk and then i had to sneak him out of my #house. dream 2) zombie apocalypse im in my room my nephews and nieces come in and i usher them out. the world is the samw just + zombies. #like think covid when it was dire but schools were still open? (my dream was a commentary on the countries failures to manage covid) so i #usher my neohews and nieces out and i make a comment to my sister in law like ooh im scared one of them got bit and my nephew was like some #girl bit me at school today and i told his mum and i stayed in my room and like an hour later i rang her like whats the update #and she was like oh yeah and came into my room to find my journal on zombie stuff and sge was like should i just cut off his arm and i was #idk try but if that doesnt work youre gonna have to... and she was SO CASUALLL !!!! and as she was leaving she started like picking things #up off the floor and i made a comment like your sons dying and youre sweeping and she was like way harsh tai and i woke up #that one was a commentsry on covid and also how i might be too mean to my sister in laws sometimes #3) i was in a library with friends researching smth and some asian guy sits on our table turns his back to us and talks to his friends. #then he starts playing music loudly from his phone and i move back to my table and as im walking he stops me and starts talking to some #girl on the table next to mine who he knows and is like hey i have an assignment due where i have to write a compelling narrative from my #own life ur clever can u help and she was a stem girly and went highschool with me and she pointed at me like ask her she does english #and he was like no u just tell me and she started helping him but i felt the advice she was giving was.. bad. so i interrupted like dont #you think that you should do __ instead and we had a discussion about it till i woke up. < that dream was a commentary on how useless my #degree is and how i wish it wasnt useless

[cheekblush]

not having any friends is truly heartbreaking

#i have no one to confide in or just simply hang out with #there's this concert i really wanted to attend but i have no one to go with and tickets are already sold out anyways #but the point is not having friends stops me from having fun experiences #sure you could argue that i could have fun experiences by myself but it's still not the same if you can't share it with someone #i went on a solo trip this summer and while it was liberating & enjoyable it was also incredibly lonely #i also went to a festival by myself & unfortunately it was horrible bc i got nauseous & it was scary being all alone #thankfully i got back to my hotel safely in the middle of the night but i definitely would've felt better & safer if i wasn't alone #i feel like i'm missing out on a lot of things bc i don't have friends & it's just so alienating bc i think smth is fundamentally wrong.. #.. with me bc i don't have a single genuine friend while others have whole friend groups #this also makes me miss my ex best friend even more & i'm contemplating reaching out to her again... #i feel like a beaten dog that always comes back around no matter how badly i was treated bc i just want some love 😔 💔 #like i was the one who ended things with my ex best friend bc i was tired of being treated like a doormat & constantly having my.. #.. boundaries disrespected but now i'd rather have that back then have no friends at all which is awful i know 😭 #my ex best friend also isn't a bad person but she hurt me a lot & at the end when things got really bad i think we were both not good for.. #each other.. but now i'm reminiscing about all the wonderful things we experienced together & i miss it so much :( #we had so many things in common we went to so many concerts together & had so much fun & now i'm all by myself all the time 😔 #the thing is also she was always a social butterfly & has many friends so i doubt she even misses me #i still didn't delete her from my contacts & i recently saw she finally fulfilled her dream of going to america #i feel like she is living her best life & i'm just here being miserable & lonely nothing has really improved for me #i wouldn't even be surprised if she's going to that concert i wanted to attend bc it's one of her favorite artists as well #i just feel so unlovable and alone in this world... i wish i could restart my whole life or disappear altogether tbh #sorry for the negativity if anyone reads this i'm just really upset.. #i should stop making myself even more depressed i'm supposed to be studying anyways.. #and tonight i'm attending our company's christmas party i hope i'll at least have a little fun there.. #☁️

[wrecking]

expired white cheddar popcorn, my only solace rn.

edit: oh fuck i didn't mean to post this yet i wanted to like. space this out from my last post? sorry in advance i guess

#d #putting this one at the top -- jesus christ this got long sorry #you know this shit is bad when i. who has never drank in my fucking life. was considering just getting as wasted as possible #like so i could just not be here on the 17th lmfao #i'm not gonna do it because it'd be the worst possible thing i can do but like. was the thought there? yeah #i've been in a weird headspace since midnight on the 15th hit and tbh it was predictable #thankfully my mom cancelled my electrolysis appointment so i am just going to lose these 3 days to more or less nothingness #like just bouncing between reading stupid reddit threads and watching media and reading ...things... just to make me feel smth that isn't t #this* i'm not retyping that #like just not giving a single fuck about the ''time wasted'' or whatever the fuck cuz at this point this is the best i can do #like i've been unproductive all summer but right now i can barely stand to do anything that isn't escapism or direct sensory input or both #i'm honestly handling it better than i expected cuz like i'm at least not CONSTANTLY bawling my fucking eyes out or unable to get out of be #but like i also feel like any attempts to do more than just survive right now are futile #friday will come and i'll get my hair dyed and on saturday i'll get new clothes and then that person will finally be gone enough #''dozer'' is dead. literally and figuratively.