#which lead me to this moment here

[emblazons]

"sometimes, its just scary to open up like that."

Day Six of @bylerweek2023 (part ii) - Pre Volume II aka Will Byers Vol I experience + a Jonathan Byers Quote or: the power of having a brother who sees things

(vol ii) bonus: the benefits of loving observance

#bylerweek2023 #byler #will byers #mike wheeler #jonathan byers #this is dedicated to the fact that jonathan watched all but one of these things happen--which lead to the vol ii moment of all time #like? I just think the fact this quote fits so well what we saw for will and jonathan in the SBP deserved to be made #and so...here we are lol #idk. its not much #but I needed to do it. FOR ME lol #stranger things #my gifs #the me tag #byers brothers #it deserves that tag too lol

[yeonban]

I might be ~quirky~ for this (welcome to my twisted mind and etc) but I genuinely have so much fun with shipping nowadays, ever since I chose to be singleship for each muse. I feel like my adhd has never allowed me to pour even half as much care and attention into a ship as I'd have loved to when I had multiple ones at the same time per muse, so being able to focus on a single romantic dynamic per muse really feels like a weight off my shoulders

#* ooc. / posts. #I also know my adhd is all over the place so at times I may go a few months w/o bringing that specific muse (and thus ship) up #(unless you approach me in dms; in which case my mind typically instantly goes !!! on the muse & ship) #so I'm INCREDIBLY touched whenever my ship partners agree to be singleship w me. It's truly such an honor and blessing to me #and I feel like it's much easier for my muse to get very attached when their romantic attention only goes to a single person; #so you can best believe that from the moment we start shipping your portrayal will ALWAYS. and I mean /ALWAYS/ be intertwined with mine #doesn't matter if you drop the muse or leave tumblr or stop writing altogether. your muse will Always be my muse's special someone #I've had tons of ships where my partner disappeared off the face of the earth one day and yet all I've done was change 'singleship' #to 'noship' bc my muse's heart to this day (several irl years later) continues to be with their portrayal; REFUSING to look at anyone else #Granted this is also why I'm so picky with shipping; in the sense that I let my muse lead the way til they fall in love #and only THEN do I ask the mun if they're fine w our muses being a thing (and thus being singleship w me) #I used to say yes to people just asking to ship and while I know that's a neat option too; I simply. Cannot do that these days ADGHSAJDSDK #nothing against anyone nor against that route; but I've had a good share of ships that crumbled or made me lose muse bc my muse wasn't #feeling the ship. so I'm no longer going ahead unless the muse falls first and makes ME start shipping it rather than the other way around #and that decision has unironically made me feel so light and comfortable here AHDSAJDSKDJ #AH NEY WAYZ!! I need to be sedated bc why am I awake at 11 am. I HAVE NOT SLEPT.

[steelycunt]

ridi im sorry i need to rant and i think youll get it 😭 like not to be a bitch but this fandom kinda going off the rails and annoying the shit out of me https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRbYASpf/ everybody in the comments unironically loving it,,, i mean wtvr ship who you want but its kinda getting delusional like ppl are just operating on thin air and pretty fancasts atp and i do Not understand or emotionally connect with any of it. at least w wolfstar theres so much material and foundation to explore but what is all the rest of this?? just hot celebrity fancasts and crack. to be fair part of me respects taking a terfs canon material and making everybody gay but the way it seems to be so oversaturating fics and the fandom that characters dont even feel like their original selves .. atp its all just surface level OCs

hello! yes! i'll be honest talking about things like this always make me a little nervous, and i feel obligated to preface anything i say with a disclaimer that none of it really matters, nothing i say matters, and you should do what you like, because--who cares. i am not an authority on--anything, frankly. my opinion holds no more weight than the next guy's, and all i'm doing here is giving it, so. essentially what im saying is--people are perfectly entitled to disagree with me, but people are not entitled to be mean to me about it xx

having said that. it is my personal opinion that s x barty is one of the worst fucking things i have ever heard lol. who even is barty who is that guy. why would s be interested in him at all. i do not understand it it does not make sense to me. from where are we sourcing the character traits and personality that we are giving barty that would ever endear sirius to him, because it objectively cannot be canon.

overall i do not get the new interest in barty + evan + pandora (+ regulus, but we won't go there)...at all, other than guessing that people were bored with the marauders and wanted a new version of them (and new celebrities to fancast) while simultaneously changing next to nothing about them other than superimposing them onto the first slytherin side characters they could rustle up. i expect ive become a bit of a broken record in regards to my dislike of the popular meow-meow-ification + complete absolution of regulus as a character in order to make him a loveable oc (just as i think erasing all the negative traits that r/s have in order to make them more likeable is just as boring), and all of that applies to those other guys as well (with the slight difference that they are, somehow, even less interesting and significant than regulus in canon), so i won't get into that too much. but i think what you say about having no emotional connection to any of it is exactly right lol--it is a sort of shift? i guess? in the fandom that is simply of no interest to me. they are characters that i just have no emotional investment in and admittedly struggle a little to understand why other people do. i am emotionally invested in, like, five characters overall (and even out of those--there's only two i'm really here for innit xx) and i personally cannot extend that investment to a creepy little side character who is mentioned maybe twice in the entire series.

and that is okay! i do not need to understand it. i don't want to say it annoys me because honestly--i don't go there, its nothing to do with me. if i dont like it i just wont interact with it, and the fact that it doesn't interest me has no bearing on what other people are into or want to do, and i couldn't give less of a shit what people do with the canon material, which is largely garbage anyway. take the bits you want from it, play around with those and ignore the rest. in that respect we are all doing exactly the same thing. but yeah i think s x barty is genuinely awful lol. hate it. very terrible. he's already got a loser werewolf boyfriend and he loves him so so much. leave him alone.

#i know most people are reasonable and thus it is perhaps overly cautious of me to insist on shrouding my unpopular #opinions in like. layer upon layer of placatory disclaimers but. well im a rather anxious guy i can't help it xx but im going to use these #tags to have a bit more of a consequence-less hater hour so. if you like regulus or barty or any of that lot i suggest you look away now #because i am about to express opinions about them that you probably wouldnt agree with + wouldnt enjoy reading!! #like full warning what im about to do is NOT any sort of analysis or defence of my opinion i will just be hating on them. is that clear. #okay. having said that. hater hour. barty and evan and honestly regulus were all cunts? like they were terrible people why do we care #about them now. regulus interests me solely as a piece of context for sirius' character. i could not give less of a shit about him as a #person in his own right. which leads me to my next hater moment: why oh why oh WHY on earth would canon james potter be interested #in canon regulus black. it makes sense in like a muggle au where they are virtually completely different characters but canon? #why would he be attracted to him. there is nothing. there is no chemistry i am ASLEEP and so is james. he would not give that #guy a second look. like it just baffles me it truly does. i feel like you have to bend over backwards to create a situation in which #james potter would ever show an interest in regulus. and i know jegulus is a fucking force to be reckoned with nowadays but god i just #do not like that ship. also i think the fact that barty and pandora and evan are essentially just oc characters who have been coloured #in by general fanon consensus shows in that what they have become is just. not interesting or complex or well fleshed out lol. like #idk i feel like they are just. very shallow. deliberately. so they are easy to like and easy to ship because that is what theyre there for. #god it feels so good to say all this. i will never be a hater again (<- lying) but i needed to be able to just. say this just once xx #also if you needed any more indication what barty and evan and regulus are here to do you just have to look at their #super-hot super-conventionally attractive celebrity model fancasts. like it all adds up its like but what if these death eaters were #not actually evil :-( what if they were really sweet and also? so so hot. like they were all so hot and actually really good #and none of them meant to be evil they didnt want to be :-( they were just hot good guys all in love with each other and the evil stuff #they did wasnt their fault :-( like that has to be. the most boring thing you couldve possibly done with these blank slates. surely. #anyway. im done now but i enjoyed hater hour immensely this was so fucking good for my soul xx thanks and goodnight xx #anon #telegram #scream hang on sorry. just looked at the comments of that tiktok where people are saying they were prison besties. girl. girl. #girl they were in prison for very different reasons baby. baby you know that right. baby look at me. look at me

[mishkakagehishka]

But how do i go shopping for lollies do i just show up at the register with fucking a dozen lollies and go "aye, can i pay with card"

#ever since we changed to euro i don't carry cash anymore btw #which leads to such beautiful moments as ''can i pay with card?'' and the total is like. a euro and five cents #bc it's impractical!!! i always get a buncha fucking 2 cent coins what do i do with those #everything costs either 1.13 or 23.53 put it on the card and leave me alone #i only pick up cash when it's cafe time bc i noticed managers here as well like to evade taxes💀

[astrxealis]

i am so obnoxious over bg3 but like. privately. bcs i'm still urgehafsjsh over how astarion is literally everything to me now and i really adore him but hi: i haven't played bg3. anyway. half-elf + bard maybe!

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #sorry. sorry. sorry to be so annoying but ASTARION..... #mr neil did so good voicing him all lines HIT. not a single bad one. oh man #i adore astarion's character from the outermost layers to the innermost i love his development and all the different scenes your choices #can lead to. how different he can be. how dramatic he can be how sarcastic how soft he can be. astarion. #wtf the obsession kicked in late... #bcs okay i learned of bg3 just. around tumblr. and what got me finally the Nudge to get into it was THE NEWS OF THE BEAR ASTARION THING #LMFAO and then i was like Oh Yeah hm maybe astarion will be my favorite (insert my thoughts here) #and then i learned more abt baldur's gate only Then and then got obsessed whooo but very normal #and sometime there my twin also got interested and whooo normally obsessed w bg/3/astarion and then got insanely obsessed #and here i was a few days ago or last week. normal. then all of a sudden i GOT... obsessed....... #astarion has consumed my every waking moment and i'm also in lov w the other characters. gale... karlach... shadowheart... etc... #and astarion has easily become one of my most favorite characters. which is not surprising at ALL #when you consider . every general factor of my favorite characters #+ how the story of how i came to like him is a STORY INDEED to tell ..... and how i got spoiled a bit too on some stuff but thats ok w me... #and my circumstances w my favorite games are real funny (for a lack of a better word) too i realize. oh man. #anyway. astarion. i adore him #it's unfair too i'm in my hozier era fully rn so. brain consumed #me listening to all of hoziers three albums (i adore hozier) and associating so many songs w astarion :/ like work song #idk. astarion reaaaaaally deserves hugs and love and and and i adore him

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the #best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b #like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional #control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood #weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start #crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way #not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things. #thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi #now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me. #working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning & #prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st. #task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in #this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do #moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an #then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose #things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the #picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to #absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal #away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i #still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop #switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping #would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is #but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually #unrelated #i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static #but focus is not a thing i cna control

[deus-ex-mona]

when the yuutsu of the getsuyoubi gets too out of hand yk—

#i wanna complain about my monday so hi tags you’re my rant victims now— #so like i was already super crabby this morning after sleeping through 2 alarms. which was the perfect start to the monday really. #i ended up leaving the house late (as you do) and when i finally got onto the train that’d take me to my workplace… there weren’t any seats #standing for an hour-long journey across the country when you wanted to nap along said journey is unwarrantedly angering y k ಠ‿ಠ #and when i finally reached my stop… the bus that i had to take to my workplace was right there at the bus stop. i could make it if i ran!!!! #so i ran… but there were these two ladies walking at a snails pace down the stairs leading to the bus stop. ಠ‿ಠ #so ofc i missed the bus by a single second. like，the bus pulled off from the stop the moment i ran up to it. not. fun. #so i was a little late to work (still within the grace period though which was cool ig) #then i was told that i’d be stationed at the worst workstation and i!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! #the freakin’ calibration check thing kept failing by 0.20!!!!!!!! it was soooo closeee but nooooo it just had to fail. #thankfully my coworker helped me with part of the workstation while i suffered. nice dude. #i kept (almost) falling asleep in front of the computer while waiting for the checks and stuff though. but i couldn’t actually sleep so :( #it’s too early in the week for this nonsense </3 i hate it here </333 #and then i found out that ✨drama✨ happened at work on saturday… but i was completely unaware of it bc i’m oblivious af. truly saddening #i could’ve witnessed greatness— but noooo i just had to loop my music at full blast instead #anyways the workday passed exhaustingly. i gained my energy in the afternoon though. which was dumb bc it meant my morning was unproductive #and ofc when i was about to clock out… i got a scam call while i was in the workplace bathroom. how auspicious #and thanks to the few minutes that i wasted on that bs i missed the earlier bus out of the workplace. yay #and ofcccccc when i finally got a seat on my commute back… i’m stuck between 2 manspreaders. the temptation to kick their legs is real ngl #literally hate it here </3 i should’ve called in sick today #i just hope that i won’t have to teach the interns anything tomorrow… fingers crossed mans #i’m just. sooooooo tired. and done with this. why can’t sunday come sooner </3 #inedible blubbering

[violetlunette]

Fans all the sudden: I hope Deku beats the shit out of Shiggy!

Me who hates Shiggy on a personal level: Me too! Thrash him Izuku!

Fans: Oh, you’re upset he hurt Bakagou too?

Me: He hurt Bakagou?

#NOW people hate Shiggy #lol #whatever they'll go back to liking him after Shiggy becomes a little boy or whatever #Honestly I'm not surprised that Bakagou got captured #he's the damsel in distress in the series #and the faux action girl #Plus he never learned to overcome his reckless behavior #even though that got him caught and nearly killed by the sludge villian #and got him caught by the LOV the first time which lead to All Might losing his powers #Now he got caught by ShiggyAFO #I will say that from a story POV its a nice circle #Afterall Izuku's path to becoming a hero started by saving Bakagou from the result of his recklessness #It makes sense to revisit it here #That being said I really want to see someone beat the shit out of Shiggy as he really annoys me #Though the manga's probably gonna ruin it by making the whole scene play out as a Poor Shiggy moment #I mean I don't mind if he lives because he was brainwashed most his life #but man his personality grates on me #anti shigaraki #anti tomura shigaraki #anti league of villains #anti LOV #Bakugou critical #bnha #mha #bnha meta

[antirepurp]

Been thinking a lot about Part 5 characters with Digimon, and I think Lucemon would be a very fun partner for Giorno. Lucemon is typically an antagonist in Digimon media, so I think it'd be interesting to give a partner like that to Giorno, who keeps them in check with his strong moral compass.

Also the angel symbolism is just really neat and it works pretty well with Giorno being the son of "God" (aka DIO).

i could see that working too yeah! it could present an interesting dynamic where lucemon's ability to evolve depends entirely on how well they work with someone like giorno, and if he's partnered with a lucemon who doesn't share the same vision as him it would present an opportunity for an arc where one or both of them have to compromise on their views and act beyond strict ideas of good and evil to grow stronger. the only problem that comes to mind is the satan mode that's both visually and thematically the opposite of giorno in many ways, i guess it could make for a nice contrast but it might be a bit much for my tastes lol

also i may have mused about these jojo digimon shenanigans enough to have pucci partner with a lucemon as a way for him to create his new world oop

#im also very fond of my idea of involving digimentals in part5 but that's just me #im going to ramble abt this headworld for a moment but: each part has slightly varying elements to digivolution #part3 is fairly standard; evolving to champion is easier than ultimate and only jotaro can get to a mega stage #protagonist/joestar priviledges etc i think it checks out #part4 has things less restricted bc morioh has a strong connection to the digital world #so evolution happens more often than in part3 and ultimates are more frequent too (mega's still jojo exclusive) #part5 has digimentals that unlock ultimate-level power with no restrictions of normal evolution (a whole topic on itself) #i think they have a drawback of needing to recharge after use though? since the arrow is sparsely used too #part6 is more tamers inspired and involves the ARK digivice's card reader stuff #there's less evolution going on in favor of using cards to give lower-level digimon advantages in battle #ultimates are also more difficult to reach and may require different cards to be achieved #i changed jolyne's partner to a wormmon for stone free similarities and evolving from stingmon it has the option to dna digivolve #which has lead me to consider giving her access to a card with exveemon data to artificially dna digivolve her partner #with some drawbacks i have yet to specify #it could also be neat if her wormmon specifically had this kind of limitation in digivolving #and it spent more time as rookie than any other digimon #only to be one of the only ones to evolve to mega eventually #this is a lot of thoughts of tags so i'll cut it here but yes i have been thinking about this for a while lol

[clumsycapitolunicorn]

.

#it's sucks so much that like 6 weeks later i still feel meh about tl and it's just made me bitter and fed up with it that im not looking- #-forward much to emmys #im only here for the actors nominated and any non-writer noms... #i will not shut up if the finale wins for best writer let that be known #regression of two male characters for last minute love triangle sh*t... trying to give keeley a girl boss ending when they didn't even show #-her being a boss in her own storyline... #ruining all the r/k scenes for s1 and 2 so what would be the point of a rewatch... #making ted so detached and tbh the ep felt detached too and sending him back to kansas when rebecca had an offer right there and not even- #talking with his family all because of his mother showing up once and doing a tell but not show about henry #yes his son is important but ted is more than existing for his son and the last shot just felt like he was d*ad inside #their lead female character's big plot about finally getting someone to love who will treat her right in her life because she wants it... #only for the said guy to be some guy who showed up half way through the show and had barely 20 mins of screen time with her and most of it- #-was him being creepy pushing her boundaries (like ohhh he made her dinner and washed her clothes and didn't hurt her the bare minimum) and #-giving them t/r 1x02 callbacks which was a kick to the face #never mention him again only once after the ep and no seeing him until the last f*cking second on no seeing them together in the montage #quickly shoved in dude who is dutch!ted #freaking teased t/r throughout s3 knowingly with the matchbook and soldier and hallway moment and having ted pining for her in the ep she- #was with boat guy #they have actual build up and it felt natural to go there but they shoved her in with a random dude #and they made a wedding for a toxic ab*sive couple that one writer thinks isn't abusive and also made t/r fans feel sh*t for seeing the- #-love with scenes and parallels THEY WROTE #THEY ACTED... #so yeah f*ck that they don't deserve that win

[catman-draws]

The major one besides the cueball-headed guy, or the major one IS the cueball-headed guy? Fr, tho, I doubt Beta Trolls would've done anywhere near as good if they weren't raised on murder paradise Alternia, where knowing how to fight and adapt to the situation was very much life or death matter. Given how much personal drama they've had? Without that world setting their priorities straight, things would've likely ended up differently ✨️

Ngl I completely forgot about him again \/\/\/

#catman asks #god damn doc scratch #I think we're giving alternia too much credit here #doc scratch did a lot of manipulation that helped result in their Drama #and alternia very much encouraged that the drama be Dealt with with Fights to the Death #they didn't really Play sgrub either; they mostly just killed shit to try to bypass having to play it at all #the only one that was really trying to play was tavros and vriska stopped that dead in its tracks #(and then aradia did some revenge kiiling) #and then their whole thing with jack and the black queen #i was referring to karkat actually #not that he was perfect; but he did a pretty good job of keeping everyone alive and Generally doing what they needed to (with exceptions) #hardly perfect but I'd say pretty good with leading (tantrums aside) #but more point was that he's a much stronger blood player #and thus was better able to utilize The Power Of Friendship #reminder that if Jack hadn't appeared in their session; they we're literally Winning at that Moment #but with that; i feel like (and this is probably due to the writing quality) the betas all rep their titles better than the alphas #maybe they embraced it more; maybe that's Just What Happened; maybe no thought was given to it at all idk #but that's my vibe; you feel me? #the most alternia did was make everyone more aggressive (which was Meenah's approach) #and that just happens to work out for you when your approach is The Best Defense Is The Best Offense

[lepidopterium]

xx!!!!

#suicide // #suicidal ideation // #had a moment of deep mental clarity and calm today after the fight with my mother so unlike any of the other times before #where it used to be anger sadness and desperation that would make me attempt this time it was just...quiet. i was so calm #i dont know if it matters what it looks like on the outside but of the suicide attempts ive had i only ever really meant to go through #with one of them. sometimes i dont even want to count any of them as attempts because i never got seriously hurt. just scarred and scared #its the latter ones that became less a crime for help and more a resolve #and i spent all of september not uttering a peep about the fact that i woke up actively suicidal everyday #and so this time i was just calm. i was already dressed because id just been out earlier. i thought about all the conversations ive had #since the beginning of October that were classmates professors friends even people i barely spoke to asking hn #unprompted if i was okay. then yesterday one of my professors coming up to me in private to thank me for keeping up with #leading club stuff and also reminding me that shes here for me if anything happens #which is all to say i sat there thinking maybe today is the right day. its not like no one would have seen it coming. id given enough #warning knowingly or unknowingly #my only reluctance was thinking how cold the water would be in this weather but that was it. i thought about getting up #and walking out to the pier and jumping in and felt completely serene #so i decided to call up my friends bc its become habitual to pull myself out of moments like these and it worked. and i didnt want to go #through with killing myself anymore. but im not sure if that would have been the case if no one in the groupchat had immediately responded #to my message. it kind of scares me. i dont fear dying as much as i do living but more than anything i fear hurting anyone #it felt like cold. still water. frozen over surface. no breeze. just still. clear and still

[unproduciblesmackdown]

with the recent like self-analytical framework of [putting hand on own shoulder] "are you looking for the external validation of value in this which would never be guaranteed, and you don't even think it should be contingent on this anyways" it's like, that also speaks more to like "yeah i did really enjoy live performance / theatre-adjacent and -overlapping stuff"

like i have my sense of how much i loved things and none of that involves any memories of having enjoyed it b/c of any feedback i got, from peers or instructors or anything. memories of curtain calls don't stand out much. like fun Specific Feedback was a kind older (relative to me) performer with the central role telling me that my literal leaping onstage (dance performance. grande jete entrance) despite a technical difficulty that would have to be improvised around was Inspirational/Motivating lol. i stopped having any particular stage fright (although is that when you're onstage? more like, anxiety beforehand about messing up. being onstage was the easier, enjoyable part) thanks to just having to yolo through those technical difficulties lol....anyways and then that same show actually, some relative to me younger audience member's dad was like "she's your (role's) biggest fan" and we nervously take a pic together lol. these things were fun & standout but Not Even It; not at all like "this is what makes it all worth it" like this is largely beside the point but a fun little bonus outlier event or two

like there was also no "i loved it b/c of Being In A Cast" nor b/c of any particular like, hanging out having fun Social Element. i loved rehearsing, though. loved being backstage (or in green rooms, or dressing rooms) but not because of any particular company or goings on. loved waiting & practicing / warming up & getting things together like your own costuming & being summoned to backstage & whatall. loved all the technical elements of getting a show together, when things were being assembled / worked out, though i didn't get to have much of any active hand b/c i'm like this twelve year old just learning the part, but it was fun to witness. none of my sense of what contributed to having a great time entailed any particular praise or anything; there was some implicitness in how all at once i graduated from [ensemble performance, back row for tall people] to [roles with solos] and the like, but there was just like, being busy, doing things well enough that it just wasn't Impeding anything lol, and in other arenas where i might've gotten more comments about being like, an outlier per whatever measure of success, it was definitely like, it's all just [successfully avoided negative attention] and ofc people think good grades are good but i'm not particularly moved by the awareness that that in turn is what's good or impressive about me, or something. or that i have to have anything like that for [successfully avoided negative attention]

and i wouldn't have like, done a monologue to an empty room and been like wow magical. i'd do my thing for rehearsal, and then for an audience, but you can't really see the audience and you're like ten doing local ten year old recreational stuff so it's like, the curtain calls you don't remember much (by you i mean me) and then you're done, and for me it was the fun of just like Everything Before. no like classic memories montage of great times socializing, it was me sitting in the green room equivalent, me warming up in the hallway, enjoying being in an auditorium for like 7 hrs of rehearsal, etc, we didn't do any like social events like high school performance afterparties or anything; i wasn't like Friends w/even the occasional person i also knew from school, and that didn't matter or diminish things in the least. performing A Show and for whatever Audience and that abstract is completely good enough. any of my parents' involvement, unavoidable b/c i couldn't even get places without being driven, was a major downside; i didn't like any like post performance [congrats] from them b/c that stuff was just its own unconstructive Performance that you, by which i mean me, were required to be sufficiently like Oh Wow about when it's like, the focused attention from you here means i want to leave; being left all amongst other adults during rehearsals was the good shit, while it also wasn't the case i needed like support or hype from any of those adults either.

there was Some tradition of like, older students in some program who'd take a trip to nyc / do some performance or other, and that seemed exciting but it stopped existing before it could be relevant to me lol. also for the first like, show that was like "audition for parts" vs "class recitals" they gave us like a relevant keepsake for it, and that was a nice surprise, since i had a great experience and all. and one of my main [not dance, with lines and everything] experiences being this fourth grade english class scenes from julius caesar, auditioned again, i'm like hell yeah that this has to be nongendered b/c it's all a bunch of guys, so i play a guy, and an antagonist yippee who doesn't die midway through and sounds easy-peasy to be like [be the dictator assassin] lol. it's funny how already i Cared about like, wish we had Effects instead of awkward silence for the drama of that assassination. wish i like, knew fuckall about acting. but the teacher just focused on telling us all to talk louder b/c nobody could be individually mic'd, and in the end you really couldn't hear fuckall of other performances so that was a win. and we got to do it twice b/c some people's parents got stuck in traffic. all i remember of my parents' presence was being like "omg yes i get to stop being here talking to you b/c we get to do that Again hell yeah"

like it's social but in a Parallel way. i'm contributing my part, i know my role, you know yours, i'm fondly remembering sitting in some school lobby having mini muffins with hours to go before our performance, amongst other people but not at all hyped abt interactions with them or at all disappointed abt the absence of any. i enjoyed it all being in front of people, others involved in the show, or the audience, but i wasn't there for any specific feedback, just being Part of that group constructed experience there. truly this case of like....loved all of that exactly as it happened, was on my own shit, did not need any external validation, didn't need a specific kind of Socializing that's supposed to look like having individual interactions with personal friends, had this passion for it that i also was having a perfectly good time exploring on my own, whilest also enjoying working with / learning from whatever instruction i got. like sure wishing i knew fuckall about acting but that it turns out no not everyone necessarily all loves stage acting as The Peak like that, and this comfort and interest with it that comes from like, you have all the practice of Having to perform and mask and act in life against your supposed incorrect abnormalities, but here's this constructive and creative and expansive edition of that art and science. good enough for doing it all through like fourteen

#the like metanalysis i'm applying to the wynnstannery journey meanwhile....a multifaceted like Oh Yeah I See places hand on surface #tl;dr like yeah i would love to do theatre in w/e ways and i would truly enjoy my experience completely in its own right. b/c i Have.... #stopped dance when i was fourteen coz knee hurty; gender hurty; parental involvement hurty; was going into college and was like will i even #have time for dance stuff? like yeah maybe but i didn't know it & figured i'd probably be forever busy & fail out anyways. took a break. #and that first year there was some delightful The Shakespearean Theater Just Down The Street also theatre adjacent class experiences #which was just More expansive & More evidence like yes i love all this shit a lotttt thanks #however at this juncture like; oh you Can audition for school theatre & even get there by yourself #didn't want family to know & come; didn't want to be alongside ppl who Did have all this high school experience and even if they didn't #were older so just probably at all better at shit lol. also my roommate had a lot of theatre interest & experience so i would've felt #awkward or out of place. like i do Not want to have to be really socially connected or like be criticized on some As Personal Acquaintances #supposed helpful basis lol. was sort of peripherally eventually [theatre doers] socially involved but eh #i had fun helping out with behind the scenes stuff Sometimes; or just hanging out in that arena #but i didn't make friends really & the true Downgrade was feeling like i was supposed to be / Had to be #one of those cases even when it's like ''yeah for some people they let you be around peripherally b/c you're the butt of the joke'' #like yeah great lmfao This Isn't It....but then going off oneself to some pwyw shakespeare show where you don't know what's going on but #that's not even required to enjoy it and Live Theatre and hell yeah babey. the actors were all whole adults & professionals & kind #like for me the social aspect is [when you're In A Show there's more afforded ''you're allowed to be here''] lol & that's it. #i like being around people but i like being there ''by myself.'' i can enjoy spontaneous; fleeting interactions contained in that moment #i don't need or even want those to Lead To Something That ''Actually Matters'' like an ongoing personal friendship or w/e #i enjoy those interactions in their own right; interacting in the capacity of both doing Show Tasks in their own right #i enjoy being in these Performances and Rehearsals in their own right & All The Enjoyment Was Already There. #i never needed or particularly looked for Especial Feedback from any sources. there needed to be an audience but that presence Was It. #i was engaged & enriched & interested in my own right. all very clear and clearly Genuine #vs whatever i was recognized as especially Good At or what i would just kind of do / was supposed to do but it's like; eh #or just otherwise like yeah i like some of this; but not nearly as much; &/or there clearly aren't ways to engage w/it in ways that i #actually want to or enjoy. i loved having a part but never needed it to be like Solo or the Main part. when i was doing & had done the #performing in rehearsals or shows like That Was It; that was what was fun. didn't anticipate or need the least Especial Feedback #just knowing like yeah that's the good shit. this is a real Passion that i enjoyed w/o ever needing anything ''more'' / external validation #wahoo....and the inherent value & relevance in just Knowing of that fact lol. wasn't always clear to me like yeah we all love that shit #in just the way that i did; right. like lol maybe not exactly and not always; actually.

[fruit-colored-ninja]

Ninjago has this habit of reusing scores sometimes, especially in action scenes where there isn’t really anything super personal going on, just generic fighting, and that’s fine, most shows do that to some extent. What isn’t fine is when the score they reuse is from Zane’s death scene against the overlord, that music is burned into my brain and it never fails to give me wild amounts of whiplash when they try to sneak it into like. random battle moment number five

#im not talking the flashback music here just to be clear i don’t mean his theme i mean the music that plays leading up to those moments #they do it in season seven when they go back in time and in season fifteen and it knocks me wildly off balance each time #they also do this a lot with a specific score from season five which isn’t really a big deal #but i’ve listened to that season’s music so much i can tell the exact parts they’re cutting out so you can’t hear morro’s theme #which always makes me laugh #there’s also this one scene in season six i think. where the garmadon + lloyd scene sneaks its way into a jay and nya scene #and that’s the only one that i’m really like now Why did we do this because like. that’s a THEME right there #zane’s music is just battle music that i’ve inextricably associated with his death scene. a little questionable but i can see how they got #there #but yeah. soundtrack rant over.

[sonicenvy]

i am suddenly having the desire to Make Stuff again and i have 30 tabs of internet shopping open on my computer. the jittery energy is humming on my skin and i feel like screaming and crying and like. i know. i know what it means. i know. but i still want to follow this instead of like... trying to go to bed, break the patterns move ahead and all that jazz.

instead im stuck here doing fucking nothing and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. im never where i should be im never when i should be. i have 50000 things unfinished screaming at me and i havent cleaned shit in months and im behind and behind and behind and behind a step too late a beat off and it never fucking ends. im loud and clumsy and too much and can’t shut the everloving fuck up and i cant look people in the face and i cant sit still and i can’t shrink and sit in quiet and stillness. i cant stop and i cant take care of myself and like i know why. i know why. the things i havent done hang on me and scream and scream and follow me like ghosts that can’t let go reminding me of all the things i havent been and all the things i promised and never delivered. i know i know i know i know. i hate spending my life like this. i think i want to change but i think im also too scared to try and i don’t know how to do things slow and wait and slog and slog and make the fucking effort. im so all or nothing so stuck waiting for energy to be there to carry me all the way through and vanish all time and all need and limitation. im sometimes so self-centered and i hate myself for that sometimes. i know. i know. i know.

im a crazy lady and lads it’s fucking awful. this is a constant, violent roller coaster that never fucking ends and it’s ugly and it makes me a terrible person sometimes because i don’t do what i promise to and im not where im meant to be, and i don’t think my actions or my words through and i don’t shut up and i can’t read the room and im too much and too loud and i can’t listen meaningfully to people unless i turn myself off and become Customer Service Lady™ who doesn’t have any interiority and is like ... literally no one.

#text #personal bs #bipolar journals #literally hate it here i am like full of dangerously euphoric energy but also feel like utter shite and am contemplating death #so instead of doing the Right Thing (practising sleep hygiene and eating food) i will just burn my brain out re-reading the same 5 fics #or watching stupid yt videos or 20 year old tv episodes i know by heart or like dicking around on tumblr and reddit for hours #or playing the same 12 year old video game ive sunk over 2000 hours into in the last 10 years #in the attempt to procrastinate on feeling my feelings #which will to the surprise of absolutely no one lead to me having an emotional meltdown at work in a very unhelpful moment #it never ends and i really want it to sometimes even though i know it won't i doesnt #i have to live with this thing in me and i think i still haven't made my peace with that #and i haven't found the balance and i know its because i have to Do The Work but goddamn

[lighthouseborn]

to balance the extremely odd energy i just put out here though i really do think. and i maybe think about this a lot but- i really do think. the movie is wrong because carina definitely kissed him first. send post.

#so much of this absolutely has to be. because of the way i filled out the empty parts of his writing i don't know if this would be true of #canon henry but i really do think. when speaking of hannah!henry and rora!carina she absolutely kissed him first ok ty #and not like. i don't say that because i think it's some kind of empowerment statement i just think that like #if there is one (1) place in the whole thing where he is clearly not really sure. what's going on exactly #it's between him and her. and he sets up a lot of the banter moment and definitely makes eyes and has little private moments where #he's just. he's so endeared and a little bit thrown #and he! sets things up. but she's the one that hits it home that commits so it's like #this dialogue where he is. not really asking exactly but creating places where she can go. Yeah Me Too. (?) if that #if that makes sense?? we're. we're wading into unfinished-rewrite territory here but this is actually;;; #my footing here comes from the movie (and the little bit more of it we get in the novelization!) where henry will sort of... #mostly he's just Like This i think but he shares and he offers and *yes* he's bold in that regard #and in the doing-what-he-thinks-he-must regard right but also when it comes to like.... dynamics? #or at least theirs specifically #he will. say something and then look. say something and then wait. set up and let her open up in response or not. #and she usually does! (which. smth smth she's used to no one asking. aaahhhhhh) #but all of that is just. u see how this leads me? to. i think she kissed him first #and i don't think he set it up in the same way as that .. at least half intentional ''i'll go first'' way but just in a #he would have found some way to make it known he likes her and i just think #when the first kiss happens it's because he did something really stupidly endearing and she couldn't bear it and i think #she kissed him first is all #woooo hannah's on her ship bullshit let's goooooo #oh i forgot about the very-run-through-the-airport thought until just now but i'm back on that technically aren't i #i said it there too. #anyway carina! kissed! him! first!! #(he did -however- kiss her back like three times in the next couple seconds)