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quintessential-queer-indian-blog · 6 years

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My experiences with love

Dear anonymous,

If a person gets close enough to me, they would have one point about me etched in their mind - I am a person who overvalues the idea of “love”. To me, love is something that cannot be described by words; it is a connection of emotions, feelings and the raw “heart” (in the “feeling center of the body” context). When you’re in love, you’ll know it. It is a gut-wrenching emotion which, like a virus, takes over your mind and body. Think of love as a flu that is hard to get rid off, except the figurative blocked nose and sore throats are something that the patient enjoys. Yes, if it isn’t clear yet, I have very mixed feelings about love.

Let me tell you about my run-ins with love. I am 20, and till date whatever feelings of love I have experienced for someone has always and irrefutably been unrequited. I am literally the master of unrequited love. In my 7 years of adolescence, where I have grown from puberty-ridden teen to a pseudo-adult who still shows signs of puberty (pimples on my face; don’t ask... *sigh*), I have gone soft on many guys. However, there are only 3 that stand out. I am not going to name them, so I will refer to them as A, B, and C.

A was my first major crush. He was my classmate in school through 11th and 12th grade (equivalent to Junior and Senior HS years). Even though he was my classmate since 11th, I somehow never took notice to him until the end of that year. I knew he was straight - he even had a girlfriend. Towards the end of 11th, I started getting attracted to him. At first, it was purely physical. In fact, if I’m being completely honest, my attraction to him was mostly physical. He was damn cute, and I found each and every action of his adorable. I made the grave error of picking him as a project partner; a project which accounted for a huge part of the grade. I knew that he had picked me because I did pretty well academically, and I had the reputation of being sincere, so much so that I used to be the teacher’s pet in most classes (it is funny as to how that is just lame and not braggy in any way 😂). He was a wonderful partner; sincere and smart. The mistake, however, was that I got to be in close proximity to him for hours together. This lulled me into a sense of love which I later realized, was just an infatuation. Gutsy as I am on text, towards the end of HS, I texted him about my feelings for him and what I thought about him. He was weirded out, but I knew that he would not out me to my classmates because it would make him a part of the laughing stock too. Very soon, school ended and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.

The next inevitable phase of my life was engineering. When I had a choice to pick from two reputed private universities (I did not qualify for a decent stream in a decent public college aka IIT), I chose my current university based on a small review I had read somewhere on Quora about acceptance of homosexuality among students. There were other factors too, don’t get me wrong. Anyway, on orientation Day 1, I had a wonderful experience. (*Spoiler alert!* This is where i meet B).

I was sitting in an empty auditorium, an hour early to the orientation session on the first day of college. As the auditorium started getting filled up, I noticed this cute guy who caught my eye. As my luck would have it, he sat in the row right behind mine. On the first day, everyone wants to make conversation because you want to portray your best image on the first day in this new chapter of life. Naturally, I was making conversation with a few other guys who sat beside me. Lucky for me, I happened to get acquainted to a guy who was a natural extrovert, thus satisfying rule #1 of being safe from ragging - staying in a group. As the conversation proceeded, the cute guy I’d spotted started feeling slightly left out and so he chimed in too. However, since he was sitting in the row behind us, he couldn’t play an active part. I took the opportunity and asked him if i could sit next to him. What is better than a cute, loner guy who hasn’t found any friends yet. B was my first friend and crush I had in my university. I knew very soon that he was straight but my stupid heart won’t take such trivial information into consideration. He and I had quite a lot of fun during the orientation week, but things came to a screeching halt very soon owing to the fact that he and I were in different departments and didn’t have any classes together. We still corresponded over text, but soon that faded. During the second semester, I made a new friend. To date, she is one of my closest friends. This friend, who is a fellow yaoi manga fanatic, decided that him being straight is not pertinent and that he and I could still flirt a bit. She tried to bring us closer by inviting him to have lunch with us but as fate would have it, he had already found a girl whom he was attracted to and my friend changed course and abandoned my lost cause (a topic that caused a huge fight amongst us). Towards the end of the first year, I confessed to him over text that I liked him and that I knew nothing could happen. I even joked and said that he was welcome to set me up with any other gay guy, if he knew any.

My feelings for B were a mixture of infatuation and friendship. As unusual a combination it was, I got more attracted to him with every successive interaction. It started out as a physical attraction, and it eventually evolved into something more. I started liking him as a person too, and not just a piece of eye-candy. Here is where I would like to divulge an important lesson I’ve learnt about love: love clouds your senses and makes you a little blind and dumb; just enough to let you regret it after it’s over. I had been completely oblivious to the fact that as cute and charming as B was, he was equally dumb and banal. He was just another average run-of-the-mill straight guy who was totally mismatched to me. He was into sports and gym, while I was into acing in academics. I hate sports, but as I said, love makes you do weird things. I tried showing an interest in the sport he pursued, a vain effort in retrospect. However, I do consider B as a major milestone in my (sad excuse of a) love life, for a lack of better words. This is because he was my first consistent love interest for a whole year in college. This was my second encounter with unrequited love.

My third encounter is a huge story, which I’ll share some time later. For now, just know that C is not a pretty story. He was my first actual love. His story has been integral in shaping my opinion about love. The main idea I wanted to convey in this post is this: people around me often take love for granted. They have relationships with people they don’t truly love, and they also have a fair share of people whom they have lead on (voluntarily or involuntarily). These people do not care too much when they get confessed to, and are often insensitive in their replies. To them, I have a message:

You have the great fortune of not knowing how it feels to not be loved by anyone in this world. By that, I do not mean the love that your parents have for you, or the love shared between siblings or best friends. I mean love, as manufactured by sappy rom-coms and Disney movies. Trust me when I say this; it is a whole new world of lonely when you realize that there is not a soul in your social circle who likes you, or finds you attractive, or crushes over you. My whole life has been like that. After a point, you start wondering: Is it me? Am I truly that hideous and unlikable that there isn’t a single soul out of the 800 odd Facebook friends and Instagram followers who is attracted to me? You start doubting your self-worth, because as unfortunate as it is, it is an innate evolutionary requirement for humans to feel loved. So when you crush someone’s heart while rejecting their feelings for you, remember how lucky you are to be in that position - where a person actually likes you enough for him/her to put down their self-respect and reveal their vulnerable side to you. It is a privilege that not everybody enjoys...

Until next time,

Happy existence.

#blog #gay #gay life #queer #love #lifestyle #story #unrequited love #crush

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anitabyars · 7 years

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Giveaway Info: • $25 Amazon Gift Card Rafflecopter Form HTML: <a class=“rcptr” href=“http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/208eb8ed1548/” rel=“nofollow” data-raflid=“208eb8ed1548” data-theme=“classic” data-template=“” id=“rcwidget_pm3lh0el”>a Rafflecopter giveaway</a> <script src=“https://widget-prime.rafflecopter.com/launch.js”></script> Direct Link: http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/MjA4ZWI4ZWQ3NTUyM2VlYWJhMzFjOTYxNDNhZTI1OjE1NDg=/ Author Bio: I love Princess Bride, Young and the Restless, Days of our Lives – the drama is deliciously addictive. Big Bang Theory but will take Wolowitz over Cooper. Star Trek not Star Wars. Undercover Boss, Secret Millionaire – any story that shows the little guy making it. I follow the Buffalo Bills like a religion. I am spellbound by showjumping and equestrian eventing. I love curling up and reading all books – no genre is off-topic. I like ironing, I hate peas, love donkeys, I play a killer game of Scrabble. I will often be heading towards the fridge for another Diet Coke. I eat nothing with legs and believe wine goes with everything, oh and I’m an expert at finding new and inventive ways to avoid exercise. I live in the sparkly beachside suburb of Redondo Beach in California with my infuriating shoe-dropping husband and my two boys who speak in mystifying grunts. Connect: Site: http://haysonmanning.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HaysonManningAuthor Twitter: https://twitter.com/HaysonManning Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7022365.Hayson_Manning Book Blurb: Go-getter Georgia Paxton has ten days to acquire a quaint hotel in the Scottish Highlands for her travel accommodation company before she’s off on her next grand adventure. Too bad the sexy, broody Scot who owns the place is dead against the idea…and that she’s in very real danger of losing their little bet to see who can convince whom first. There’s no way Callum MacGregor is going to let the gorgeous American turn his tiny hometown over to bored tourists looking to satisfy their Outlander fantasies. He only has ten days to convince her to slow down and see the magic of the town and its people. If he succeeds, he won’t have to run her out of the county. But if he fails, Georgia might run off with his heart. Purchase links: Amazon: https://goo.gl/BVerdf B&N: https://goo.gl/4hRfqE iTunes: https://goo.gl/yHqRSk Kobo: https://goo.gl/f1QQQV Goodreads: https://goo.gl/2PsKFM

Excerpt “What are we doing?” she asked against his mouth. He pulled back and stared into her stormy eyes. “I think it’s called kissing.” “Oh. I’ve heard of it.” She paused. “I like it. A lot.” She regarded him. “You taste good. Like an ice cream cone I want to lick forever,” she murmured, then leaned forward and sucked his bottom lip between hers. He shifted, his zipper denting tender flesh. “What flavor?” He nuzzled her neck and bumps flew across her skin. “All flavors of the rainbow. Sweet, salty, and with a hint of you, and before you ask I don’t know what that taste is, but I’m calling it delicious.” “That’s a lot of flavors.” He cupped her face and stared into her liquid eyes. I wish you were mine, Georgia Paxton. She snuggled deeper into him, their combined heat misting the windows and possibly the countryside. He glanced out the window. The rain had eased to a steady drizzle, and the road appeared manageable. He glanced at his watch and pulled a hand through his hair. They’d been out way later than he’d planned, but Callum had enjoyed every minute of her company. “I think we can get going.” “Are you sure? I’m not sure if I’ve got this kissing thing down. I need to practice.” She wiggled in his lap. When you put it that way. He glanced at his watch again. Damn, he wanted to spend hours exploring her body with his hands, with his mouth, map it until he knew every quiver, every intake of breath, every moan. Right now, with her hands in his hair, her amazing sunshine scent was making him punch-drunk. “If I don’t leave now, I don’t think we’ll be leaving for a while.” He cast a glance in the backseat at his goat. “I don’t want an audience.” She blinked away the haze. “Absolutely not. Poor Delilah.” She did one last wiggle against him, then crawled over to the passenger seat. “Can we practice kissing later, but without company?” She lowered her voice. “I was enjoying that.” Review 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Charmingly, Enchanting Romance! Hayson Manning, swept me away, in this beautifully written romance that was enchanting, charming, and endearing in every way! As the words seemed to fade away, I was transported into the beautiful, charming, quaint Scottish town of Glenlagen.  Georgia Paxton has just arrived to work her magic on the next owner. She works for “Live About” a premier short-term vacation rental accommodations company. She was here for the next ten days on her company’s behalf. They wished to go into partnership with the owner of “The Lair” and after making some quick renovation, with their help, he would be raking in the money, from their customers. Her job was to sell the idea to him and have him sign on the dotted line. And then Georgia would be on to her merry way to the next town. She loved her job and going from one place to the next.  Callum MacGregor is a Scottish Hemsworth, handsome, tall and broad, as well as the owner of The Lair and the only pub in town, The Rose and Thistle. Callum had left his corporate job and corporate life behind and moved back home for a slower pace of life. He had lovingly and painstakingly, restored the pub to its original beauty. He had also, started the renovation on the Lair but still had more to do. He didn’t care about wifi, or modernization. He only cared about the people of the town and enjoying life alongside them, his town was rich, in friendships and folklore and that was what was important to him.  But these two never counted on the sizzling chemistry, between them that can’t be ignored. Georgia is fun, beautiful and a breath of fresh air to Callum, bringing little bites of sweetness to his life. Callum is downright swoon-a-licious and after a folklore filled afternoon together, his kiss, was pure decadence. Will these two find their HEA? Will Georgia be able to leave this charming town and the friends she has made behind? Will she get Callum to change his mind and sign on the dotted line? You will have to read to find out. Don’t miss this beautifully, fun, sexy, magical romance! I LOVED Every Minute of this story! Highly Recommended!  Received an arc through the publisher via NetGalley and I voluntarily chose to write an honest review.

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