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all-things-skam · 5 years

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hii could you write something about the boys finding out about sander and robbe? ps. i love your fics!

Can you do a fic of the boy squad finding out about Robbe and sander! Love everything you write!

Hi! Please could I request the boy squad walking in on Robbe and Sander, what they’re doing in that situation is up to you ☺️

Title: Quiet mornings at casa Milan, Zoenne and Robbe

Ship: Wtfock | Robbe Ijzermans + Sander Driesen (Sobbe)

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Quiet mornings at the flatshare were rare. Something was always going on, whether it was a casual conversation over breakfast, an argument between Zoe and Senne or Milan pulling pranks on his flatmates - like that time he pretended to be Zoe and slid into bed with Senne.

Although it was entertaining and lively, it could get exhausting at times. Robbe wasn't used to so much craziness in his home. Especially in the morning.

When Robbe woke up on Saturday morning, there was surprisingly no one up. He knitted his eyebrows and peaked at the entrance, remarking that Zoe's shoes and jacket were absent. Did she go out already? It's barely 10am.

Robbe shrugged and went to the kitchen to turn on the coffee maker. He made more, knowing that Sander would want some when he'd wake up, being one of those people who drank coffee in the morning but clearly didn't need it, being energetic enough already.

Leaning against the counter, the brunet scrolled down his phone, trying to find something to cook for breakfast. He wasn't a grand cook, but he could attempt to make pancakes. Sander has a sweet tooth, he'll like that.

Milan was either sleeping off his hangover or leisuring in bed with his Friday hook up - Robbe bet on the latter, having heard the door open around 2am -, so he wouldn't be there to tease him about being a good housewife for cooking for his boyfriend.

The coffee maker beeped, signaling that the coffee was ready. Robbe put his phone down and poured some in a mug, hissing when he burned his lips from eagerly taking a sip.

Concentrated on the pancake batter sizzling in the pan, Robbe didn't hear the feet sliding on the hardwood and making their way to the kitchen.

From the doorway, Sander smiled at the sight of his boyfriend standing by the stove, looking all cute while cooking breakfast in his boxers and a tee shirt. Smirking, Sander saw the perfect opportunity to sneak behind Robbe and wrap his arms around his waist, causing the smaller one to jump.

''Sander! Don't do that again... I could've burned myself,'' Robbe warned, flipping the pancake on the other side.

''Good morning you too. Smells good,'' the blond said, nuzzling his face in Robbe's neck, kissing up to his jaw.

Leaning into his boyfriend's touch, a smile formed on Robbe's lips, one hand going to rest over Sander's while the other one held the spatula. ''I made pancakes,'' Robbe declared, turning around in Sander's hold. ''You hungry? There's coffee too.''

Sander hummed, eyes on Robbe's face, staring at his delicate features. ''Aren't you the prettiest in the morning?'' He grabbed a piece of Robbe's hair between his fingers and twirled it around, grinning before dipping to kiss him.

Breaking from the kiss, Robbe rolled his eyes, faking annoyance and returned to his pancake before it burned.

''Hey, I wasn't finished...'' Sander pulled him back toward him, Robbe's back hitting his bare chest. He kissed his cheek repeatedly and Robbe chuckled, enjoying the small moment just the two of them while it lasted.

The lack of privacy one of the downside of living with flatmates. Someone was always in Robbe's business, asking questions or knocking on his door when Sander was over. It was annoying.

Turning off the stove, Robbe put the last pancake on the pile. It had been a struggle to cook while Sander was attached to his body, but he made it work.

Barely two minutes after sitting down and diving into their pancakes, Milan emerged from his bedroom. He downed a tall glass of water for his parched throat and eyed the pancakes on the table with heart eyes.

''Hello lovebirds. Aw, you made pancakes for me, Robbe?'' his flatmate said, about to steal a piece from his plate.

Immediately, Robbe moved his plate away from Milan's reach. ''Don't touch it! Who knows where those hands have been...''

Milan smiled smugly. '' Well-''

Robbe grimaced, shaking his head. ''I don't want to know,'' he pressed before Milan could elaborate.

Before him, Sander chuckled, sipping his coffee as he watched the scene between the two roomates. He hadn't known Milan for long, but he was a fun one.

The doorbell rang, forcing their conversation to end.

''I'll go!'' Milan offered, heading in direction of the door, leaving the young couple to themselves.

Robbe stood to pour himself a second cup of coffee, but, as he passed in front of Sander, the blond grabbed him be his waist, pulling him down on his lap before he could go anywhere. A soft giggle left Robbe's lips, leaning into his lover and snaking his arms around his neck to kiss his temple.

There was some chatter by the door as Milan let some people in, but Robbe didn't hear them, caught in his own bubble of honeymoon love with Sander.

Someone cleared their throat and Robbe and Sander snapped out of their bubble, the younger one going completely still when seeing Jens, Aaron and Moyo in the kitchen's entrance. His heart started hammering behind his chest, an anxious knot forming in the pit of his stomach.

It wasn't how Robbe wanted to introduce his boyfriend to is friends, but the secret was out now. It wasn't a full secret. They knew that he was seeing someone, they just hadn't met him - or so they thought - nor knew his name. Robbe felt bad telling them that he had stolen Britt's boyfriend, having voiced his opinion on cheating in the past. Even though he was head over heels in love with Sander, it didn't erase the wrongness of cheating on Noor with her friend's boyfriend.

''W-what are you all doing here?'' His voice was insecure and tense.

Sensing his discomfort, Sander rubbed Robbe's hip subtly, trying to reassure him and ease some anxiety. Alas, it didn't do much. If anything, Sander's presence made the situation worse.

''I could ask him the same,'' Jens pointed out, nodding at Sander.

He had nothing against Sander personally, he just felt betrayed that Robbe didn't tell him about the blond. Jens was supposed to be his best friend after all. Doesn't best friends tell each other about who they are seeing? He always confided in Robbe about love life, why didn't he do the same?

Robbe looked down, avoiding Jens's gaze.

From Sander's point of view, Jens was being unfair with Robbe. He didn't know their past or the extent of their friendship, but as his best friend, Jens shouldn't be pointing daggers at Robbe for keeping something to himself. Your best friend status doesn't signify you have to tell each other everything. It's okay to keep things to yourself - especially about your love life. You and your significant other are allowed to have a secret garden together.

Maybe Jens and the boys liked to brag about who they kiss or hook up with, but not Robbe. And, they have no right to shame him or make him feel bad about it.

''It's Robbe's choice if he wanted to tell you or not about me. This is new for him- for us and we decided to take things slow,'' Sander explained from behind Robbe, incapable to sit there and let Robbe's so called friends get away with making him feel bad about keeping his lover's identity a secret. ''I can understand your reaction if it's coming from the cheating side of the story. What we did was wrong and it hurt people, but it happened and we have to move on. But if you are bitter because Robbe wanted to keep something for himself for a little longer, you are fucking selfish. It's his first relationship, let him decide what he wants to share with you and when. He doesn't owe you - or anyone - anyhting.''

His speech surprised everyone. Even Milan who was listening from the hallway, ready to intervene if needed. He didn't had to though, not after Sander's outburst. In moment like this, it was a good thing that the photographer had no filter. If his speech didn't put the three teenagers in their place, nothing would.

Sander kept his eyes stern, daring any of them to say something.

One thing about Sander was that he always stand up for the ones he cared about, and Robbe loved that about him.

He looked up at Sander with big eyes, his heart beating fast when he referred to them as ''us''. He trusted the older boy and knew that he cared for him, but he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t scared that one day he’d drop everything and leave again. But this, this speech of his, it made Robbie feel sure of their relationship. It made him feel like he would protect their relationship no matter what, that it was important to him.

A soft smile tugged on his lips. This was the first time anyone had stood up for him in a really long time and it felt great. Despite the mess that unrolled following their first kiss, this speech confirmed to Robbe that he had made a good choice when getting together with Sander.

Jens bit his lip, almost ashamed of himself for not figuring out who Robbe's secret lover was, and even worst for being upset about it. He knew that Robbe had been distant, but he hadn’t been exactly trying to get close to him either.

When they were at seaside, Robbe had constantly isolated himself from the group whether is was by sitting afar on the sand while everyone was around the fire or getting up super early. Jens recalled Sander going to sit with him in the sand and them sharing smiles during their stay. Maybe that's how they got close?

''If anyone in here is a shitty friend, it's me.''

Robbe looked up, Jens's voice catching his attention.

''I haven't been there for you lately. You tried talking to me, but I casualized your problems and ignored you. I should’ve been there, I should’ve asked when you got so distant. I...I failed at my best friend duty and I'm sorry, Robbe. You know that we all care about you, right? This doesn’t change anything.''

Jens's words warmed Robbe's heart. It had been so long since he had a heart to heart conversation with his best friend. They barely spoke to each other anymore and a part of Robbe felt like they were drifting apart. It was nice to hear that Jens still cared about him despite his mistakes and choices.

Before Robbe could say anything back to Jens, Aaron's jaw dropped, realisation hitting him. ''Oh my god.'' He pointed at Sander. ''You're the hot guy Robbe is seeing?!''

Beside him, Moyo face-palmed and Robbe bit the inside of his cheeks, fighting a laugh. Had he seriously not caught on yet?

Sander grinned fiercely, hooking his chin on his boyfriend's shoulder. ''I hope so.'' He kissed Robbe's cheek sweetly, causing a big smile to bloom on his face.

Jens's eyes were on them, fond.

''Not to be rude but, you still haven't answered my initial question: what are you all doing here...on a Saturday morning?''

''You ditched us last night and haven't been answering your text since so Aaron suggested we'd come by on our way to the skatepark to see if you wanted to join. Clearly, you're already busy,'' Moyo teased with a shit eating grin, wiggling his eyebrows.

A flush look crept on Robbe's cheeks, remembering that he was only wearing boxers and a tee shirt while sitting on a boy's lap.

#robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #sobbe fic #sobbe #rosander #wtfock #idk about this one #I need to up my writing

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burlybanner · 5 years

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Merge (ScienceBrosWeek2019)

Summary: Some secrets are better left unsaid - and some are better cracked wide open Disclaimer: This is different from my usual style and I’m not sure where this story is going. So I’m not sure when I’ll continue. But keep me honest; it’ll happen eventually.

Disclaimer deux: I struggled with getting chapter the way I wanted, and the theme fought me tooth and nail. But it is what it is, and I don’t want to get too far behind. So - read at your own risk!

Unbeta’d.

Reference: Dust(1), Drip(2), Bitter(3)

Bruce woke, remembering precisely why he didn’t like drinking with Tony. He vowed this time (why was there always a “this time”) to leave the whisky on its designated shelf where it belonged. He squinted and rubbed his thumb and forefinger beneath his eyes, still feeling the heaviness of his mind and limbs with Tony’s body draped around him.

“You awake?”

Bruce grunted. “Yeah. I guess.”

“What do you want?”

“Aspirin, coffee, and donuts.” Not that he expected the donuts. But still. He’d seen them yesterday and couldn’t get them out of his mind.

“Side table. Check the drawers.” Tony yawned and rolled off of Bruce like a cat. Bruce glanced over, watching Tony tap his wrist twice, then his jaw. “Hey. Who’s on the donut run today?” Pause. “Really?” Another pause. Two gestures on his wrist. “Can you grab a dozen sorted for me and bring ‘em down?” Pause. “But if you don’t w--” Long, long pause. “Okay, okay. See you.”

Jaw tap.

Bruce stared at him, hand hovering between the table and the bed. “What was that?”

Tony smirked, tapped his wrist and middle knuckle. “SIberNet. Spelled SI, for Stark Industries. The evolution of telecom patented by yours truly.”

He continued staring. “You fucking scare me.”

“I’ve always scared you. But then, we have a mutual scare pact.”

Bruce pursed his lips and conceded Tony’s point. He found Ibuprofen and bottled water in the side table, then palmed two tablets and scowled at Tony before quaffing half the water. “I bet they’re all connected to SINet, or whatever you’re calling it.”

“SIberNet. Everyone’s connected, but not everyone has access to all functions. Just the higher ups.”

Bruce finished his water and shook his head. “But of course you have access to everything.”

“More or less.”

“Emphasis on the more?”

Tony smiled.

Bruce sighed heavily and felt a stronger ache in his bones. “I’m gonna go take a piss,” he muttered. His head hurt, partly from the hangover. “Grab some coffee. Maybe take a shower.”

“Make it fast, donuts’ll be here in less than ten.”

To his credit he barely tripped from the bed. Even now, in the light of day (was there sun? How did they survive without the sun) the puzzle seemed unsolvable. Too many pieces were missing and until he felt warm, clean, and headache-free Bruce didn’t expect many answers from Tony, or his own sluggish psyche.

But donuts would definitely help.

Tony gestured to Bruce’s clothes. “Wanna put something on?”

“What for?” Was his body that repulsive, that Tony couldn’t bear the sight of him sober--? “You’ve seen me naked. I’ll grab a towel after I shower.”

Tony’s face softened, revealing too much vulnerability. But Bruce’s hangover was having nothing to do with introspection. Not this early in the day.

“Birthday suit yourself, Brucie.”

Bruce rolled his eyes and shuffled from the room.

His mind calmed after leaving Tony’s bedroom. It wasn’t horrible sleeping with him but Bruce wanted more, so it heightened his anxiety. Luckily he didn’t need to feel anything in the front room and his mind could blunt its sharp edges.

Bruce shuffled to Tony’s window and its great view; also luckily, Tony hadn’t bothered shutting the curtain the night before. He felt like Alice in Wonderland - like he was still dreaming. But Bruce’s mind was not savvy enough to conjure waterfalls, slick mossy crags, and winding jungle vines. His mind wasn’t nearly quiet enough to recreate this joy.

Bruce placed a hand on the glass and briefly shut his eyes. The hum of the cave filled him but so did the urgent need to piss. His physical body forced him to leave Eden behind, to relieve himself.

While pissing his mind roved over Tony’s opulent bathroom, top of the line of course. He glared at Tony’s walk-in shower with the perfect, pristine jets and high level stonework. He knew he said he’d shower but he needed to ground himself more, and...no. Peace first. The shower simply reminded him of the future and he needed more of now’s peace.

He left the bathroom with the sole intent of making coffee and staring into perfection. Tony would either join him, or wait, it wouldn’t matter. He just...needed this. Right now.

“Tell me when, I’ll show you around.”

Bruce squawked, visibly jumping after hearing a not-Tony voice in the corner. How long had he been there, sitting, not staring at Bruce at all? Quiet, proud, and waiting. Calmly staring into the abyss. Lost in his own mind’s prison.

“Hey, Bruce.”

“Jesus - you motherfucker - you...” Bruce closed his eyes, put a shaky hand to his chest. “You know better than that. You know.”

“Yeah, well. Guess I figured you’d notice.” James Rhodes chuckled, folded his hands over the handle of his cane. Bruce’s eyes drew to the ornate pattern of the platinum handle, a twisty network of vines and fauna drawn down into an obsidian shaft. He thought if Rhodes were a Disney villain, that this would be the cane for him. But he shot the image from his mind. No Disney villain would be as classy.

“Maybe I would’ve, if I weren’t so hungover.” A chill reminded him of how very under-dressed he was, and he finally understood Tony’s vague question, regarding his clothes.

He hated how nervous he felt.

“It’s been a while, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Rhodey used his cane to push up from his chair, slowly limping his way to join him. Bruce frowned, eyes instinctively shifting to the rhythm of Rhodey’s shuffle. Rhodey’d either just finished his morning exercises or his other leg had been overcompensating, due to the prosthetic. Bruce wondered, absently, when the last time Rhodey had seen an orthopedist.

“Kinda makes sense Tony has the best view.”

Bruce took a second to drink Rhodey in before sharing the pristine outskirts with him. A dark chuckle died in Bruce’s throat. “It wouldn’t be Tony otherwise.”

“Heh. True.”

His fingers slowly stroked the glass but he didn’t have the strength to stare at Rhodey directly. Instead Bruce watched the other man’s reflection, as Rhodey’s reflection watched him. “I’m sorry,” Bruce said, unable to find anything better to say.

Rhodey nodded. He shifted his stance as his left hand massaged his cane’s handle. “Nothing to be sorry about, really. It happened. We happened. Other things happened to us. It’s life, man.”

“Still.” Softly, tentatively. He reached out and gently placed his hand on Rhodey’s. Bruce felt tendons jump, then relax. The ground they shared was uneven at best but not broken; Bruce felt some relief in that.

“It wasn’t fair. I...I ignored you. Didn’t know how to talk to you. Twenty years of friendship, and I--”

“Thirty.”

“Pardon?”

Rhodey’s expression turned wistful and he stared at the carpet. “You...always forget to include your fugitive years, Bruce. You’ve known me and Tones for over thirty, not twenty. But I get it. Happens to POWs a lot.”

Bruce’s face fell and he blinked once, twice, rapidly. He felt his mind shift but he forced his expression to remain neutral. “Oh. You’re right. Of course.”

Then Rhodey reached for him, and Bruce couldn’t tell if it were from pity or love but both equally soured his stomach. “You wanna sit?”

“Sure.”

Bruce sat at the place he’d been the night before, feeling painfully naked and cold.

“Here.” A cup of coffee was pressed into his hands and an apple fritter suddenly appeared within easy reach.

“Thanks.” Bruce took a sip of the coffee and a large bite of the donut. A small smile curled his lips. “You remembered.”

“How could I forget? Six sugars, a tablespoon of cream, and a bunch of donuts. Every Saturday for years. It was your go-to breakfast.”

“Go-to hangover breakfast.”

Rhodey snorted. “Well. We didn’t do Friday nights halfway.”

“No,” Bruce sighed. He slouched deeper in the chair, letting his toes curl into the carpet. “We didn’t.” The silence lingered but Bruce didn’t feel pressured to fill it. Rhodey grabbed his own cup of coffee and filled their silent space with little posh sips, while they enjoyed watching the cave’s waterfall.

“Did Tony tell you about the clouds?”

“What? Out there?” Rhodey nodded. “You’re joking.”

“Nah, I’m serious.” Rhodey smiled and drained his coffee cup. “More like condensation, though. The atmosphere builds up and makes its own clouds. Gets so humid, it feels like a misty rain. Pretty incredible.”

Bruce shook his head, enjoying their easy conversation. He didn’t...he honestly didn’t believe they could return to this. They’d barely spoken for five years. Really ten, since when he got back he’d been too mentally unstable and...well.

Things.

“I tried.”

Bruce finished his fritter and found the donut box. He poked his finger around the stacks until he found a jelly filled one. “Tried what?”

“Finding you.”

He’d just bit into the thing when Rhodey dropped him into the painful present. The jelly soured in his mouth but he finished chewing it. Swallowing felt like swallowing marbles of sand. “It...ah. You couldn’t. It wasn’t. It--” Bruce tried again. “There weren’t any drones, like we have now. Facial recognition software was shit back then. And I was really good at hiding.”

“But I found Tony. I should’ve found you. I’m...sorry I couldn’t.”

Bruce shook his head like an animal shaking off a collar. “No, don’t. It’s not--”

“No. Remember it wasn’t just you and Tony, and me and Tony. It was me and you, too.”

He couldn’t say anything to counter because it’d just make it worse. Sadness threatened to overwhelm Bruce but he hid it by taking another bite of donut. He had to spin it, though. “Can’t really change the past,” he said, mouth full of jelly. “We both got hit hard, y’know? It changed all of us. Everything did. We changed.”

Rhodey nodded. “We did. If we hadn’t, you would’ve known about this place when I did. You would’ve been a part of it.”

Sighing heavily, he ran a hand over his rough skin. He needed a shave, badly. “I don’t know, Rhodey. I don’t...this is too much. All of it. I don’t know what it is, but now I’m culpable. What--what’s the end goal really? What’s the purpose? What’s my purpose?”

“Well,” Rhodey sighed. He cocked his head, peering at Bruce. “It’s always been the three of us, you know that. If one of us doesn’t make it, it doesn’t work. It would’ve never worked without you. Tony’s mind would’ve been worried. I would’ve worried. We had to have a consensus.”

“Merging of the minds?”

Rhodey shrugged. “If it makes you feel better.”

“I haven’t said yes.”

“Haven’t said no either.”

Bruce finished his donut, allowing it to settle the fear building in his stomach. “But if I do? If I walk away?”

“Nothing will happen. But I imagine we’d get shut down in a few years or we’d move up our time table. Either scenario’d probably hurt us.”

“I...shit. Rhodey, I need to know. I can’t make any decisions without knowing the big picture.”

“You willing to hear it all out, Bruce? From start to finish, without bolting?”

“What choice do I have?”

“Fair.”

“I mean...” Bruce grabbed another donut. A cruller. “Tony wouldn’t’ve dragged me out here on the guise of a two week business trip without good reason. I’d like to hear out this fucking grand plan. Besides I’m guessin’ it’s already in place. It’s just...hovering. Waiting on me to--what? Agree?”

“Probably.”

“And that’s what I’m afraid of.” He peered at Rhodey and swallowed uncomfortably. “So level with me, then. Are...are we the heroes? Or...the villains?”

Rhodey shrugged. “To be determined, I guess. You know as well as I that history’s written by the survivors.”

“ ‘You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.’ “

But Rhodey didn’t respond and Bruce followed his gaze back to the cave. They’d lobbed that phrase at each other for years, laughed at it, used it as a barb whenever one of them messed up in a major way. But it never seemed more apt, than now.

Bruce sighed. “I’m going to take that shower now.”

“Mm.”

The rest of the day would probably break him, but he was used to being broken.

#sciencebrosweek2019 #sciencebrosweek #science bros #james rhodes #bruce banner #tony stark #ah a wild rhodey appears #again the fic with no name #stumbling in the dark with this and hoping the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train #@sciencebrosweek

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islareeveswriting · 5 years

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Sleep is the best way to forget.

Molly had been forgetting every night for nearly a week. It took longer than normal for Molly to fall asleep, her mind not quite able to shut off, overthinking things with Clive; how she wished she’d really seen him the day before the operation, how she regretted letting Clive convince her she didn’t need to see him before he went down to theatre, how on earth she was meant to write a eulogy for someone whose name she was struggling to say. But eventually she fell asleep, and she forgot for a few hours, before waking up when the memory would come back to her like the pain of raw, open cut that wouldn't heal. Molly had begun to wonder if it would ever heal, if she ever wake up and feel normal for longer than the five seconds it took to remember Clive had died.

That Saturday morning was different. Sleep had come easier, and not just because she was exhausted, her mind just quietened a little better, and when she woke up her body and mind actually felt rested. It took the normal amount of time for Molly to think about Clive, but where before it felt like a sinkhole had opened up in her stomach for her heart to fall through it just felt like a part of her. It didn’t feel nice, or familiar, or at least like anything she wanted to be familiar with, but it felt easier to live with than constant nauseating anxiety. Like a torn muscle that had never quite healed, or a scar from something that still glinted in the sun, a wrist that continued to click even after the break had haled, only noticeable when she twisted the wrong way, never forgotten, but not always holding her back. Clive wouldn’t want to be the thing that kept her inside trying to distract herself, he’d want to be the one that sent her one her way to bigger and better things with a smile on her face, and it felt nice waking up that morning feeling just half a step closer to that.

Molly rolled onto her back, the morning sun streaming through the slightly parted curtains, blinding her and making her just about open eyes scrunch shut, before she opened them slowly, adjusting to the light in her own time. It had been days since she’d woken up in her own bed, days since she’d woken up without Harry beside her, and she was getting used to the large king sized bed, and the warmth his body. Going back to her hard mattress, small by comparison, and cold sheets wasn’t something she was looking forward to, though she had told Harry she’d go back home Sunday night. She wanted to see her friends, and she needed to get back to normality, back to her routine, and she wanted to walk to the cafe on Monday morning from her flat, spend some time with Louis and go off to university for her one of her last seminars of the year, not like nothing had happened, but like she could carry on despite it.

However, that didn’t mean she didn’t miss Harry when she reached out for him on the opposite side of the bed and he wasn’t there. For a second her heart started to race, though she didn’t exactly know why, but it slowed at the sound of him in the kitchen. It had become clear to Molly over the months she’d spent with Harry that he was an early riser, and she found herself smiling at nothing but the sound of him doing whatever he was doing. They were threading into each other's lives without really even noticing, little habits and quirks overlooked until Molly took a second to realise them.

After a big stretch and quick cuddle up into the soft duvet she’d shared with Harry, the fabric of which was knitted with the scent of him, post shower and clean of aftershave or deodorant, just the smell that lingered over him, Molly peeled herself out of the bed and headed for the kitchen. Harry was there in his rugby shorts and hoodie, his surname large over the back of it in bright blue capital letters. There was a quiet call of music coming from his speaker, as always, and he was softly singing the words, something Molly had only noticed he did when he thought he wasn’t being watched or when he was in such a deep concentration that he forgot he wasn’t alone.

“Morning,” Molly called, and Harry quickly snapped his head up to Molly, the blush on his cheeks impossible to hide from. Endeared, Molly smiled sweetly at him, leaning one arm onto the breakfast bar. “You’ve got a good voice,” Molly told him, and it wasn’t a lie or an over exaggeration. On the very few occasions she managed to catch a glimpse of him singing, she’d enjoyed it, the rough but soft tone of his voice, the simplicity of it.

“Thank you.” Harry continued to blush, turning back to the coffee machine that was whirring to life. “Did you want a coffee?” Harry asked, reaching up to the open cupboard for a mug.

“Please,” Molly nodded. From behind, Harry looked as broad and bold as he always had, and Molly remembered watching him walk across to the bar in the Haunt and feeling her stomach flip as the fabric of his shirt had stretched tight across his muscles. His body still did the same to her, and the stirring was far more intense now than it ever had been before, knowing her hands had been over that skin, knowing there was still more to see, more to touch, more to unwind from him. But from his side profile, exposed by his tied back hair, Molly could see he was still blushing like a little boy who had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have. “H, you’re still blushing,” Molly told him quietly, but Harry just shrugged, not even turning to look at Molly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” Molly told him.

“You haven’t,” Harry told her, glancing back for just a second as black liquid started to drip from the coffee machine into one of the mugs. “Just no ones caught me singing before,” Harry admitted. Molly nodded leaving the conversation there, she didn’t want to go on about it, suspecting that if she ever wanted to him singing again, it would be best to not make a big deal of how much she liked hearing it. “Want to come down to the rugby later?” Harry asked, handing a mug over to Molly, and turning back for his own.

“Erm, yeah, you playing?” Molly asked, lifting the mug to her lips and blowing down onto the frothy coffee that was the complete opposite of Harry’s plain, black one.

“No, Shane and Niall are though, Ellie will be there, and Amanda, and the others,” Harry told Molly, standing on the other side of the worktop from her. By the others Molly knew Harry was referring to Katie, someone who Molly found the more time she spent with, the less she looked forward to seeing her again. It wasn’t that Katie had ever been outwardly nasty or horrible to Molly, but in a way Molly thought maybe the snide comments and daggered looks were worse.

“Ok,” Molly smiled with a nod, taking another sip of her coffee. “How come you’re not playing?” Molly asked with a slight dip of her eyebrows. She knew it was getting near to the end of the season, and the league games were getting less frequent, but she assumed Harry would want to be playing in what was left if he could.

“Got dropped,” Harry grumbled with a shrug that might have been believable as nonchalant had his jaw not tightened and his eyes hadn’t pointedly avoided Molly. Molly sighed, and twisted her jaw, staring at Harry waiting for him to look her way. He did, eventually, and until he did Molly didn’t say anything, just let him read her face, waiting for an explanation. “Shane’s the captain, he saw the bruises, doesn’t want me on his team,” Harry explained, eyes dropping to his coffee before he lifted it again and took a large mouthful.

“So you told him about it?” Molly asked, but Harry shook his head as he swallowed his coffee.

“I didn’t need to,” Harry told her. Molly thought she could see where things were going, where the conversation was going but she let him take it there, refusing to lead the way. “I met Shane through the fighting, but he was the one who got me out originally, I introduced him and Ellie, Ellie made him give up the fighting, and he made me, if I wanted to be Lola’s godfather, I had to give it up too, and so eventually I did,” Harry explained basically, with as little detail as possible, clearly not wanting to get into it.

“Yet you still went back,” Molly pointed out, and Harry only sighed heavily, not able to look to her again. “How am I meant to believe you won’t go back for me, if you can’t keep away for Lola?” Molly asked, carefully, cautiously almost quietly. Harry’s head snapped up, staring back at her with dark but softened eyes. There was anger bubbling under his surface at the accusation in Molly’s words, but it wasn’t exactly without reason, and Harry knew that, and it stung.

“Baby,” Harry spoke softly, almost whispered, but Molly shook her head, trying to shake off the way his voice got under her skin when he spoke like that, made her soft, eased her down. She wouldn’t let it, she needed his honestly more than she needed his gentleness. “Don’t say that, I’m not going back, nothing is going to make me go back, I promise you, it was a stupid one off mistake, and I w-don’t want to go back,” Harry promised, reaching across the breakfast bar and taking Molly’s hands from her mug. “You have to believe me, I don’t know how to make you believe me, but Molly I am promising you, with everything I am, nothing in this world will make me want to go back there.” Molly found herself swallowing and nodding back at him, her eyes caught up in his. “I’ve got everything to lose if I go back, and I’m not going to lose everything again,” Harry told Molly and she took a deep shaky breath her throat tightening. “Come here,” Harry encouraged, rounding the worktop to get to Molly and wrap her up in his arms.

Silence engulfed them just as much as the smell of Harry caught up in Molly’s nose. It was the same scent that had clung to his bedding, but somehow it was stronger, trapped in the synthetic fibres of his clothes. The silence was blissful, not full of unspoken criticism, or judgement, or concern, or worry, or anything either of them were scared to say. It was just silent, and it was the sort of silence Molly was getting used to putting herself back together in, it was the sort of silence Harry had bought into her life and now she never wanted to be without. No one else stilled her soul as much as he did, no one else made her remember beyond the moment she was in so she could look beyond the here and now, no one else Molly had ever met had that sort of silence in them, normally only words that didn’t reach quite the same pinnacle as Harry’s silence. Molly trusted Harry not because she had to, not even really because she wanted to, or needed to, but because anyone else could have a million words, and they’d never make her feel as safe and calm as Harry did in his silence.

After what felt like hours wrapped in Harry’s arms, but what was really moments, Molly got herself up from the stool and finished her coffee, taking herself off to get ready for the day. With anyone else, the sort of conversation she’d just had with Harry, would be whirring around her mind all day, disturbing every in between moment of nothing; the waiting for the shower to get warm, the checking her reflection in the mirror, the pulling her socks on. Perhaps she should have asked questions, and perhaps later she’d wish she’d asked them, but in the moments after the conversation, she didn’t feel the need to. She felt satisfied that Harry had promised her he wasn’t going back to the place that left him broken, and bruised, and bleeding. Anything else was secondary, anything else could wait, at least until a time when her mind wasn’t filled with other more consuming things, and trying to focus both on having a good day with people she considered friends, but also on not overthinking that.

It worked, in fact it was easy to more or less forget her troubles when she was around a group of people who undoubtedly knew what had happened, but didn’t ask about it. Amanda gave her a tighter hug than normal, and there were a few sympathetic smiles thrown around, Shane briefly asked how she was doing, and Niall stood with his arm around her shoulders, holding the top of her arm tightly as they stood around in a circle for a little while post game, but other than that they carried on as normal, which suited Molly to a tea. The banter made her laugh as it always did, a grass stained Niall trying to tackle Harry to the ground even had her breathless with laughter, and there didn’t seem to be a moment she wasn’t smiling. The sun was beating down, keeping her bare legs warm, and it felt nice to be surrounded by more than just the company of her university work for a little while.

The home team lost the game, but it didn’t particularly dampen anyone’s spirits, everyone enjoying the sunshine and cold beer too much to worry about it for too long. It was cooler in the club house, and though it was a nice break from the heat, Molly missed the sun almost instantly, and her exposed limbs didn’t take long to spot with goosebumps. She stood at the bar with Katie and Amanda, waiting to be served, though she knew she’d be waiting a little while, everyone else seemingly having the same idea and heading inside for refreshments as the team's ate their food.

It was noisy, and Molly found herself glancing over her shoulder to Harry who was sat around a table with the others, Lola sat on his lap, pulling at his long ringlets that were handing over his shoulders, held out of his face by the sunglasses he’d been wearing. She couldn’t help the smile, it just happened at the sight of him grinning down at Lola who was chirping up at him about something or other. She continued to watch as he placed the little girl on the floor, and got to his feet to chase after her and the ball she’d obviously had her eyes on. The smile on Molly’s face widened, and she found herself completely distracted from whatever it was that Katie and Amanda had been talking about.

“He’s so good with her,” Molly smiled, her voice quiet, almost just breathing, unable to keep it inside when she watched Harry chase Lola around the club house, her excited squeals bouncing around the place. No one seemed to mind, most people just ignoring it entirely, anyone else just smiling in Harry and Lola’s direction every now and again.

“Yeah all things considered, he’s a good dad,” Katie added, a similar smile on her face to that had been on Molly’s until Katie’s comment. Molly felt herself freeze as her eyes narrowed, her mind wrapping around Katie’s words, assuming she’d misheard, or Katie’s words had just got muddled on the way out.

“Godfather you mean?” Molly laughed nervously, turning her head to Katie. Amanda was already staring back in Molly’s direction, eyes gauging into the back of Katie’s skull, and Molly wondered if Katie could feel it, though she didn’t seem to pay any attention to Amanda as she turned to look at Molly. There was a look on her face, a knowing look that she was trying to hide behind surprise, behind regret, but it wasn't working. There was a flinch of a smirk that gave her away, that told Molly she hadn’t misheard, and Katie hadn’t tripped over any words. Really Molly knew then, but she still wanted to hear it, and she was still hoping she was wrong. There was an ominous feeling in her stomach, like she was about to open the old door at the back of the room in a horror movie to some awful demon. She knew what was coming, but she couldn’t walk away, and slowly she walked into it, breath shortening, nostrils flinching, eyes already stinging.

“He hasn’t told you he’s Lola’s dad?” Katie asked with a tilt of her head, and Molly saw Amanda’s throat clench around swallowing nothing. Molly shook her head, her stomach tightened like she was having to hold herself together. Part of her wanted to leave then, move out of that place quickly, but she couldn’t, she felt frozen, and she couldn’t take her sore eyes off Katie.

“He told me she was Shane’s,” Molly whispered, rolling her lips together and biting down on the inside of her cheeks. No one was going to see her cry.

“He was going to tell you, he panic-”

“Don’t make excuses for him,” Molly chimed in quickly, eyes flicking to Amanda angrily. It wasn’t her fault, but Molly could feel herself falling through water, like she was drowning and she didn’t want to hear anymore that might weigh her down. “You knew he’d lied?” Molly asked though she didn’t need to, Amanda just swallowed on nothing, Katie suddenly forgotten.

“Listen to what he has to say M-”

“I’m leaving,” Molly announced, grabbing her jacket and bag from the bar where it was laid and marching towards the door, not looking back for anyone. There were voices calling her name, more than one, but she didn’t care for any of them. Her vision was beginning to get hazy, and her breath was shuddering out of her slightly parted mouth as she headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” It was Shane, pulling her back to him. “Molly, what’s happened?” Shane asked quickly, obviously seeing the tears in her eyes that hadn’t quite made it down her cheeks. “Are you ok?” He asked again. Molly just shook her head.

“I need to go,” Molly choked, pulling her hand out of Shane’s and turning for the door again.

“Lolly.” It was Harry, the voice gave it away, but so did the name he chose. The air hit her in the face, it was warm and stuffy, a typical nearly summers day, the weather trying to break into something hot and bright, but not quite able to. “Lolly, where are you going?” Harry called again, right behind her.

“Fuck off,” Molly spat, still storming through the car park towards the gate at the end. It felt too far away, and it didn’t matter how many steps she took or how quick they were, she didn’t seem to get any closer to it.

“Lolly what’s happened?” Harry asked, his voice was getting closer and suddenly Molly hated his long legs and his large strides. Why could he always catch her? Why was he alway right behind her? She suddenlyloathed it, but seconds ago it was something she’d not even really paid any mind to. “Lolly,” Harry called again, and Molly froze, because it seemed he really didn’t know. She swallowed and turned back to him, eyes full to the brim with tears she was fighting to keep there, her lip already wobbling before she even said a word, staring back at him, steps away from her.

“Lola is yours,” Molly started. “Lola is yours and you lied to me,” Molly all but screamed, tears falling then, as she broke, her head lifting to her mouth, covering it, biting down on one of her fingers a little, discreetly, trying to choke back the sob that threatened her. Harry’s arms dropped lower, shoulders falling, his breath clearly catching, and his eyes closing as his face creased up. Molly let her hand drop from her face and her breathing got heavy and hard, chest visibly rising and falling.

“Lolly,” Harry breathed, but Molly shook her head, not saying no, but because she was disappointed and hurt and didn’t have any words, so she just turned away. “Lolly please,” Harry begged.

“Fuck off,” Molly hissed, glancing over her shoulder.

“Lolly-”

“No Harry, you’re not listening to me,” Molly seethed turning back on her heel and and nearly crashing into Harry thanks to how close he’d gotten, but she didn’t want him that close so she shoved her hands into his chest forcing him back, stumbling over his own feet but finding his balance quickly and glowering back towards her. “Fuck off, I’m going to get my things from yours, and I’m leaving, and I don’t want to see or hear from you again, ok,” Molly told him, trying to keep the fire inside her that kept her angry at him alight, rather than giving away to the heartbreak and the remorse that was trying to make her literally breakdown. She’d never felt like it before, it was hurting physically as well as emotionally, her chest felt tight and it ached, her stomach was taught with ripped muscle that was beginning to pang from how long it had been like it. The last person she ever thought she’d feel that let down by was standing in front of her letting her down, letting her fall from the greatest height and into deep, deep water that she couldn’t find the strength to tread.

“Don’t say that,” Harry begged quietly, taking a tentative step forward, staring back at Molly, his own eyes beginning to glitter with the start of tears. Molly had managed to blink hers back but they were sore and tired as if she’d cried a thousand of them, and she could bet they were red. “I can fix this,” Harry promised in a whisper, taking another step, but Molly shook her head, rolling her eyes.

“No you can’t Harry, you lied and you cannot take that back, you’ve done it, lie in your bed,” Molly sneered through gritted teeth. The more words that spilled out of his mouth the angrier she felt herself getting, she’d never felt a fire inside her like it, but it was roaring, and he was only adding fuel.

“I was scared, I panicked,” Harry flustered, and Molly just laughed sarcastically.

“Scared of what exactly?” She asked, lips pursed staring back at Harry with a tilted head.

“That’d you’d freak out and I’d lose you,” Harry admitted as if that made it ok. But Molly really laughed then, looking to the sky and shaking her head as her shoulders wobbled with her laughter.

“And what do you think lying to me has achieved?” She asked with a knowing smirk.

“Why are you being like this? You don’t have to talk to me like that, I know I’ve-”

“Are you joking?” Molly asked, scrunching her nose and narrowing her eyes. “You’ve lied to me about your daughter, and you want to make this about how I’m talking to you, you’re a fucking idiot,” Molly told him. “You have any idea how mortifying that was? Apart from anything else, I feel like an idiot,” Molly told him, breathing slower, trying to calm herself, refusing to let him feel like the bigger person in any way at all. She didn’t want to lose her head, she didn’t want to give him the upper hand because all she could do was sneer and laugh at him and use vile words to get at him. The truth of what he’d done was far more condemning than any of that.

“You’re not an idiot, I am, Katie just wants to r-”

“Oh no, no, no, no,” Molly interrupted shaking her head. “Don’t you dare try and blame this on her, this is your fault, you did this, and it’s yours to own and deal with, not hers,” Molly told Harry, her voice suddenly quiet and controlled by comparison. Harry just swallowed standing taller, and rolling his lips together. Molly turned then, heading back towards the gate away from Harry.

“Don’t go,” Harry called after her, and Molly could hear his footsteps echoing hers.

“Don’t follow me Harry, just don’t,” Molly warned, but his footsteps didn’t stop, just continued fast after her everytime she upped her speed.

“Lolly-”

“No,” Molly told him finally, spinning back one last time and catching his eyes with hers. A tear fell out of the corner of his eye, rolling down his cheek slowly, he didn’t flick it away and he sniffed back harslly, swallowing tightly making his throat throb. “We’re done,” She told him, and turned away, finally letting her own tear drops out, holding her lips together, crying quietly as she walked away from the rugby club towards the bus stop where she’d get on, get off at Harry’s, get her things, and leave his place.

There wasn’t a single part of her that wanted to look back. She’d never had that before, and she never thought she would. She never thought she’d be heartbroken enough, hurt enough, wronged enough, to be put off someone so quickly. Nothing inside her wanted to see Harry, nothing wanted to talk to him, or listen to what he had to say. In her head she was going over a hundred and one other things she could have, might have said to him, but if she never got the chance she’d be just as satisfied. In that moment, if she never came into contact with Harry again it would be a minute to soon.

The stairwell was as cold as ever, despite the heat Molly knew her skin was holding onto, and the flat felt even colder. It never felt cold, but Molly almost shivered as she slammed the door behind her and marched for the bedroom. They hadn’t had time to make the bed before they left, and the sheets were as they’d left them as Harry had tackled her to the bed before she’d managed to pull her top on, and peppered her with kisses. It had made her giggle and squeal happily, trying to push out from under his body as he held her playfully tight underneath him, refusing to let her get away. The thought nearly suffocated her, knowing they’d been on that bed just hours ahead of Harry pulling the walls down around them, hours away from Harry pushing her away completely.

At least it felt like completely.

Molly couldn’t see any way anything could be made right. It was so wrong, so broken. It was beyond the point of repair. Knowing they’d gone through so much time together, and he’d been living a lie, made him feel like a different person. It felt like she was looking at a stranger's bed, stood in a strangers home, because it didn’t feel like she really knew who Harry was. The Harry she’d gotten to know, unwound herself for, tangled herself up in, wasn’t the Harry who stood in the car park and begged her to listen to what he had to say. The Harry she thought she knew, could be honest with her, could tell her anything, or at least didn’t fabricate lies to keep her as far from the truth as possible. They Harry she knew trusted her as much as she trusted him, but she realised she didn’t know who she trusted, but it certainly wasn’t the person she thought it was.

It didn’t take Molly long to shove all her things back in her bag and she dragged it out to the kitchen where all her paperwork was still laid across the table and breakfast bar, where she’d been working for the past few days, where she’d started to scribble together initial ideas for Clive’s eulogy. It stung and her eyes pricked, but she just blinked it back as she crumpled the piece of paper in her hand, full of words Harry had helped her come to, and threw it in the bin. The coffee cups were still on the side from the morning, and the wine glasses from the night before. Molly might have put them in the dishwasher had she not been so eager to get out of his place. She’d told him to stay away, but even though she felt like she didn’t know Harry, she did know he wouldn’t be able to say away, and let her walk away without a fight. That just wasn’t his nature. That just wasn’t Harry.

The picture Lola had drawn for Molly was magnetised to Harry’s fridge. She stared at it for a few seconds. Scribbles that to anyone else would mean very little, but to Molly it was very clear it was her, and Harry, and Lola - and his daughter. She took a deep shaky breath. It wasn’t that he was a father, it wasn’t that he had a child, it was that he’d lied. It was complicated, of course it was complicated, and she knew that, she could understand that. And she could understand why it wasn’t Harry’s opening line, or even the second or third, or even information he wanted to disclose a month down the line. But to lie, to manipulate the truth so much that it barely even resembled the reality, was something else. To want to hide who he was so much, that he was willing to implicate so many of his friends, made Molly more furious than upset.

There were so many dots that Molly had never connected but as she stood staring at Lola’s drawing, she started too. The green eyes they shared that she couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed. The way Ellie had told her to call if she had any questions. The Harry had outright told her Ellie had got pregnant after they’d fooled around. How had she missed it? Of course she knew it was because she trusted him, because she never thought he could be that deceitful. But she didn’t see that, she simply felt like an idiot. So she just angrily grabbed Lola’s drawing, slid it inside the cover of one of her books, and began to throw her things into her bag, frantically chewing at her bottom lip, mind a messy jumble of far too many thoughts for anything to feel simple.

Without warning, but perhaps because Molly had been so caught up in her head, the door opened and slammed shut in seconds. Molly looked over her shoulder though she didn’t really need to, it was obvious who it would be, and in seconds he was storming into the living area. Molly looked away from him, stuffing things into the Long Champ bag she’d taken her uni things out of a few days ago. Harry’s breathing was heavy laboured, as if he’d run at full speed from his car, up the stairs into the flat, but Molly knew part of it came from anger.

“Lolly don’t do this please,” Harry begged, moving closer and dropping his keys on the breakfast bar Molly was stood at.

“I specifically told you not to follow me,” Molly reminded him, dully, not looking up from her bag to see his face. There was a part of her that knew it would be a lot easier for him to make her listen if she caught his eyes, a lot easier for him to make her hear him out, and in that moment she didn’t want to, she didn’t want anything in her head that later might make her doubt herself.

“What? So you expect me to let you just walk away without putting up any kind of fight for this, I don’t want you to leave,” Harry told her, leaning over onto his elbow, trying to look at her face, trying to get her to look back at him.

“You should have thought about that before you lied like you did,” Molly told him, her voice still monotonous as if every emotion she might have been able to muster had been drained out of her.

“Can you look at me at least?” Harry asked, scoffing a little bit on his words, but Molly just shook her head, eyes still focused fully on the packed bag, her hands clutching either side of it. “Fucking look at me,” Harry bellowed then, and Molly bit her jaw together, twisting her neck to look at him, nostrils flaring as well as her emotions. “Don’t do this to me Lolly, just let me explain,” Harry grieved. Molly stood silent, standing straighter and staring back at him, her jaw tight, lips pursed, eyes narrowing a little.

“Ok, you have two words,” Molly told him, not giving him room to barter before she moved on; “Is that little girl yours?” Molly asked, folding her arms across her chest. For a second Harry didn’t say anything, clearly working out where this was going, he sighed, and looked down to the floor.

“Yes,” He told her through the sigh.

“And did you tell me she was Shane’s?” Molly asked again, Harry lifting his eyes back to her, looking up through eyelashes, his head still dipped towards the floor.

“Yes but-”

“Excellent, that is all I need to know,” Molly told him, twisting to grab her bag from the side all in one movement. She headed towards the door where the small shoulder bag she’d taken out with her was sat waiting with the shoes she’d kicked off out of habit. She still had her jacket on, but she was feeling the cold.

“Lolly, please, listen to me,” Harry was back to begging, and after Molly had dropped her bag by the door she turned to look at him, because despite it all she couldn’t just walk away, there was too much in her head to say, too much she wanted him to hear and know, too much to just leave behind without saying a word. It was when she turned back she noticed his hand, fingers pushing his hair back, but all four knuckles were split and there was a red haze over his skin. Molly’s nostrils twitched and the lump in her throat had her swallowing on nothing as her eyes moved down to his face.

“Where have you been?” She asked darkly. She’d been back at his flat for nearly an hour, alone, she hadn’t heard from him in that time, but he’d stormed in, breathless and with a smashed hand. She wasn’t sure what else she was meant to think all the things she did know considered.

“With Niall,” Harry told her, a little taken back by the strange question.

“Your hand,” She pointed out, nodding towards it, dropped now by his side. The congealed blood was still visible and she could feel herself beginning to feel a confusing mix of emotions that wasn’t just the anger and hurt she’d been feeling before. It only got worse as Harry let silence linger on, a heavy sigh from him breaking it, and pulling her eyes back to his face away from his hand.

“I hit a wall outside the club,” Harry told her quietly, shamefully. Molly rolled her eyes and shook her head. “I was angry Ok, I was angry I wasn’t the one to tell you, I was angry Katie did that when she knew I hadn’t told you yet, I was angry at myself for letting this happen, and yes I hit a wall, you’re not going to use it against me,” Harry told her.

“I don’t need to use it against you, you’ve done enough as it is,” Molly told him and she saw it grate over Harry, kissing his teeth and hanging his tongue from one canine. Molly didn’t particularly care. The mood she was in, the way she was feeling, she wanted him to feel it too, she wanted him to hurt too, she wanted to know how it felt to be let down by the one person she truly believe she could trust not to do that. It made her question her instincts, her belief in people, that she could be so wrong, so many times, and never see it coming. Everytime it hit her like a runaway train, and she was fed up of being the one left on the tracks.

“Can you please just listen to what I have to say?” Harry asked with a sigh, deflating with it.

“Oh sorry yeah, let me just sit down so you can explain to me how you lied about your daughter, because you assumed I’d freak out?” Molly shrugged, and Harry didn’t say anything so Molly carried on. “And how this is like what? The third massive lie you’ve told me since we met?” Again Harry said nothing, just swallowed her words like the bitter pill they were. “When does it stop? When do you just come clean and quit trying to hide all the stuff you’d rather ignore? I can’t be with someone who is constantly trying to figure out how to hide who he is from me, and won’t let me make up my own mind about the pieces of himself he hates, I can’t,” Molly told him with a shake of her head, hands flailing wildly as she spoke. “This is far worse that the truth, having me believe that Lola is your goddaughter, that Shane is her father, for all this time, making me look an idiot-”

“No one thinks-”

“That’s what hurts Harry, that’s your undoing, not the fact that beautiful, wonderful, amazing little girl is your daughter, the fact you couldn’t tell me she is, and you lied about what she is to you, is what I can’t cope with,” Molly told him, her voice getting quieter as Harry shrunk back. Harry nodded, and once again licked his teeth. Molly knew it wasn’t her he was frustrated with, it was himself, and the truth of her words.

“So, as a twenty year old student, what you’re looking for in a guy is a single dad who fucked a girl under a pier one night after too much to drink, is too weak to own up to that, is too weak to take on that responsibility, let her walk out of his life without a care, and is too scared to be with another girl in case he messes up her life too?” Harry asked shooting back at Molly. Molly swallowed it down, because even though his tone didn’t necessarily suggest, Molly could see how much the truth of it all hurt him now. It was hard to see him like that, and she wanted to look away, but she couldn’t.

“Better that than a stranger,” She told him quietly, Harry just scoffed though, shaking his head. “I’m serious, I feel like I don’t even know who you are.” That time Molly watched as he breathed in, holding it at the top, hearing, really hearing what she was saying. She didn’t know him. She didn’t know who he was, she thought she did, but it was becoming crystal clear she had no idea. The Harry she thought was hers, was a character and possibly nothing like what lay underneath the mask he wore for her. For all she felt she knew, he could be a completely different man stood in front of her in a flat that had started to feel like home, but very quickly felt like anything but. “You’re more than all that stuff Harry, and I thought you respected me enough to at least let me see the real you, and to tell me the truth,” Molly told him honestly. “When you realise what you have to offer, is far greater, and far bigger than anything in your past, anything you’ve done or any of the mistakes you’ve made, the better, but I cannot wait any more, I can’t do this anymore,” Molly told him, bending to pick up her bags.

“Don’t you dare,” Harry choked, stepping forward quickly.

“Don’t threaten me,” Molly spat. “I can’t believe you let it come to this, and I can’t believe you let her be the one to tell me,” Molly sneered, and Harry shook his head, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. “Makes me wonder if you ever planned on telling me,” Molly admitted.

“Of course-”

“And if you didn’t than you and I obviously doesn’t mean quite as much to you as it does to me, and I’ve been there before, I’m not doing it again,” Molly told him, shrugging to the tote onto her shoulder. Harry was just shaking his head, staring at her dumbfounded and breaking.

“Lolly,” He whispered.

“Don’t call me, don’t come near me or try to contact me, I don’t want anything to do with you,” Molly told him, and she felt it rip through her like bullets as she said it. If she was honest, she didn’t know if she truly meant it, she didn’t really know if she wanted to walk away, but in that moment it was all she could do, not to scream and cry at him and drop to the floor in a heap of shattered parts. So she left, and she didn’t look over her shoulder, and she didn’t check her phone when it buzzed constantly from her bag on the bus home, she didn’t even turn it on silent, knowing the contact photo of him might be the thing that called her bluff. She kept to her word, and she got home, and she collapsed in Jimmy’s arms, and wondered how the man she loved could leave her feeling so broken, and so hurt, but still like she wanted to know him.

All she wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and forget. But she didn’t think sleeping would be that easy, and she knew forgetting certainly wouldn’t be.

Just gonna sit back and wait for you to all hate me forever. I mean it had to happen right? And at least Molly didn’t just look the other way again right? RIGHT? Please say right,

Anyway cannot wait to hear your thoughts and feelings on this, get in that ask box, or message me and scream at me about them. I’ve got a few as well lol.

Hope you all have a fab weekend <3

#dive #TALK TO ME #ask box open #and I want your thoughts #and your feelings #and your theories #come and chat #harry styles #harry styles fan fic #1dff #harry angst #dark harry

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purplesurveys · 6 years

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- A - What has been your greatest Accomplishment? I guess, more than anything, it’s being able to study in the top university in the country. Does your house have an Attic? No. I don’t know of any Filipino house that has an attic; it’s just not in our culture. Probably the super rich, more Western-centric families do, but definitely not in any of the houses I’ve ever been to. Basements also aren’t a thing here. - B - What is/was your Best subject in school? History and biology. Anything objective and requires memorization of terms, I never had a problem with. What's your favorite dog Breed? I used to have none but Gab made me a golden retriever convert. Beagles and askals (street dogs in the Philippines) are wonderful, too. - C - Do you regularly drink Coffee? No, just as a last resort when I have to stay up for work. How many Children do you want? 1 or 2.

- D - When are you due for your next dental checkup? Right around this time of the year, but I get so incredibly lazy about the dentist so I don’t mind skipping lol. What kind of car do you Drive? It’s a Mitsubishi Mirage, the smaller kind. I’ve always told myself I can’t drive anything bigger than that. - E - Are you an Extrovert? Hell no. I mean I’ve been better–I’ve gone from being an introvert to an ambivert since starting college, but socializing still brings me anxiety. That hasn’t gone away. It also completely exhausts me at the end of the day; so while I’ve been so much better at handling social situations and can initiate conversations, it doesn’t mean the jitters have also left. I still dread them every single time. What's your favorite form of Exercise? I don’t exercise at all. - F - How Far away do you live from your best friend? Her family home is about 16 kilometers away from my house. The dorm that she stays in near her school is...apparently also 16 kilometers away. I’m literally middle ground hahaha. Have you ever had a Full-time job? No. - G - Where did you last buy Groceries from? Man I’ve stopped tagging along my parents whenever they get groceries so I have no idea where they buy from these days. I don’t buy my own yet. Do you believe there is a God? No. Catholicism ruined religion for me when I was ten. - H - What's something that made you Happy today? Called my girlfriend literally thirty seconds ago. When was the last time you stayed in a Hotel? We stayed in Batanes from Wednesday to Saturday so we were staying over at a hotel by then. - I - Do you like Indian food? It’s my favorite cuisine. Have you ever slipped and fell on Ice? When I used to go ice skating, many times. - J - What has been your favorite Job you've had so far? I’ve never had one. What Jewelry did you wear yesterday? The necklace Gab gave me is always on me. Other than that I don’t wear much jewelry. - K - How many people can sit at your Kitchen table? We don’t have that but we do have a dining table. It’s meant for six people but since it’s a big table it can probably fit like ten. What's a topic you're Knowledgable in? Pro wrestling. - L - Where do you Live? I live in a city called Antipolo in the Philippines. How many people have you Loved romantically? Just one. - M - Are you good with managing and saving Money? HAH, NO. Unless I really had to then yeah I sometimes surprise myself with how good I am with saving. It’s very unpredictable on my end. What was the last Museum you went to? I went to the Crisologo Museum and Syquia Mansion in Vigan around 7-8 months ago. Old houses of prominent family with all their 70′s-style rooms still intact will always be my favorite. - N - Do you have loud Neighbors? They’re not loud per se. Their kids are. What's one of your most Noticeable qualities? My glasses are crooked. - O - What's something you have a very strong Opinion on? LGBT rights, racial equality, smoking, and the concept of family. What's your favorite Outdoor activity? I’m a more indoors person, but I do enjoy hiking and going to the beach. - P - Did you pull a Prank last April Fools Day? Nah. What was the cause of the last physical Pain you felt? Scoliosis. - Q - Have you ever been to Quebec? Nope. What's your favorite Quote? I don’t have one. - R - What's the longest Relationship you've been in? This one I’m currently in: 2 years. If Gabie hadn’t broken up with me and ruined the relationship for a while we’d have been together for 3 1/2 years now, HAAA. Have you ever worked in Retail? No. - S - Do you feel Safe walking around your neighborhood at night? Yes, but at most just inside my subdivision since there are guards all over. My city doesn’t have a high crime rate but it’s still best to be cautious as soon as you step outside a private subdivision since there are so many weirdos that lurk about. When was the last time you woke up before Sunrise? Today. I usually wake up before sunrise. - T - Do you think you would enjoy being a Teacher? Probably not. The paranoia from not knowing what students think of me would be enough to drain me mentally. What was the last thing you bought Tickets for? Plane tickets back to Subic, where our airport was. - U - What is something about you that's Unusual? I don’t know, you gotta ask my friends. Do you live in an Urban area? Yep. - V - What's your favorite Vegetable? Broccoli and asparagus. Do you know anyone who gets Violent when they're angry? My girlfriend does. - W - What do you keep in your Wallet? Money, some photos of Gab, and cards that I use. What's your favorite kind of Weather? Rainy where it’s also cold and dark and dreary. Rainy but humid is pointless. - X - What parts of your body have you had X-rayed? My chest, but in more recent times my back. Which X-Men character is your favorite? I don’t have a favorite. - Y - What Year were you born? 1998. What did you do Yesterday? My family went to church, then we went to the mall to have lunch. We finally bought GTA V for the PS4 and my dad and I each got Herschel backpacks. My sister got the cheese tart she was craving for and we also got a new electric fan since one of the fans in the house stopped working. - Z - What was the last Zoo you went to? I don’t think I’ve ever been to a zoo. I don’t like the idea of supporting those, either. Is there a Zipper on any of the clothes you're wearing? No.

#survey #surveys

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newhologram · 7 years

Text

2016 diary of a spoonie

Rereading my diary from 2016 for some perspective (not ready to open my 2015 one, I know it’s going to be even more difficult). Remembering some mental places I've been and that I made it through them and I’m still here.

Here are some parts I'm okay with sharing, hopefully it will help someone realize they are not alone and that as difficult as things get, there is so much more to life than being sick even if we have to deal with it often in isolation.

It’s also good to keep in mind that when we have illnesses that affect our brain/mood, it can drastically warp our perception of the world, our lives, and ourselves. That’s why I started trying to keep a diary, to record these moments when I’m not myself, when my illnesses make me think things that aren’t true, makes me have horrible tunnel vision, and then be able to look back on them when I’m not in that mental state and try to get an understanding of it.

(warning for suicide mentions in some excerpts because Mr. Brain can be kinda bananas sometimes, it’s pretty heavy and a lot of it is me scribbling when dissociating pretty badly so I say some weird things)

This is also probably a cautionary tale to NOT BE LIKE ME, I’m a bad spoonie. I can’t believe I forced myself to have such a full schedule, no wonder my body broke down by December.

1.5.16 8:49 PM: Everything in my life is so turbulent. Why? I feel like someone cut and pasted me here.

1.19.16 2:51 AM: I barely slept. Puked a little, dry heaved a lot, sweated so much. Cried my eyes out in the shower.

I have to leave for work in 2 hours. I hope it's not a long day.

I don't know where this mood swing came from. I feel so weak. I was just crying and crying because I can't stand myself. I can't stand being me. I feel so alone and lost. I feel so stupid.

3:18 AM: Dry heaved again. I'm shivering and I feel horrible. Why does this happen to me? I thought I was done with this. I feel like I'm shriveling up.

What's going to happen to me?

1.20.16 10:56 AM: Yesterday was rough. First depressive mood swing of this year. I suddenly felt like no one would ever love me. That I’m just an immature slob. A burden. A loser. Dirty.

I don’t even have a best friend. I’m not close with anyone. I can’t organize my room or my life. I just sort of work, play games, and sleep. I’m so lonely. I’m stressed and overwhelmed. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I live in a fantasy world but really I’m just alone here in my room.

I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. Who could ever love me?

1.26.16 4:59 PM: Wow! Worked 7am-3:18pm. Didn’t see Miss Piggy. Again!

But since I got out so early I was able to run and errand, do yoga, aerobics, read, and stuff.

Now is definitely meditation time but I’m worried I will fall asleep. Too tired to bathe/eat.

Going to open my heart chakra! Yay!

1.31.16 5:57 PM: Holy stress. Still no word about the shoot. Aaand there was some asshole.

Gotta let it go. They don’t dictate my day. I do. Only me. I am in charge. No one else.

2.3.16 10:48 PM: No spoons for laundry or putting clothes up. I desperately need to do that. My room is overflowing with clothes.

BAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(drawing of a newlamb)

たりないよ　(it’s not enough!)

2.5.16 10:54 PM: I feel so strange. Like I’m a thousand lifetimes apart from New. I don’t know who that person is.

I guess it’s okay not to know.

Right?

2.14.16 1:15 AM: よふかししてるの (I’m stayin’ up late)

Um... too much mental energy. Body is done and tired but my mind all よ～～～～～～～～～～！

Kinda woozy today. But I got FFX-2 running so I’ve been doing that. Maybe too much.

2.21.16 10:30 PM: Oops, 4 days of not writing in here.

I didn’t work Thursday. Friday I went to Hollywood w/ ______. We saw Frozen, she gave me my presents, we had tea and a chicken burger at Chado tea room and we goofed around doing touristy things. Had so much fun, I really missed her.

I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 3am but I was having so much fun sleeping that I just went back to sleep until 8am.

2.24.16 8:22 PM: I was having an okay day. I was doing okay. Right now I want to not exist. Two auditions tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

I wish I was never born.

I don’t feel much. Now would be a good time to do it. But I don’t want to hurt my dad.

Wish I had someone to talk to.

I’m so done. So done. So alone.

If I died a lot of people would be really sad but it wouldn’t change much.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me. I hate who I am. I hate me. I’m too stupid to work retail. I can’t do math. I can’t edit, I was too stupid for editing school. My body can’t work or I get sick.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to support myself. I can’t rely on my dream. It might not come true. I’ll be 30 in 4 years—will I still be living here, relying on my dad? I’m a joke. I’m not a real adult or person.

My cats would be sad if I died. Would they understand? I don’t want to hurt them either but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

I’m not okay right now but I have no one. I’m all alone.

A few tears came out.

That’s all I have.

2.25.16 1:12 PM: I’m so sad right now. The pain is already bad. I don’t have money for more edibles. I had to cancel one audition because I was too sick. Too depressed. Too much anxiety.

I went to Sprouts and very nearly had a freak out. I tried to meditate. I can’t focus on editing. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in.

How am I gonna get out of this one? I’ve done it before. Time is crawling.

Bad pain spreading. Bad thoughts. bad urges. I need distractions but the problem is that I’m too depressed to actually focus on anything fun.

I can barely cry. It’s like a blockage.

FUUUUUCK!!!

(lots of scribbles)

2.26.16 12:05 PM: Much better today. Body is tired but I’m not depressed. Nope! Had a shoyuu tamago. Mm! It’s still really early but I think it’s time for a meditation nap.

3.2.16 10:03 PM: It’s March wtf... okay.

3.11.16 1:46 PM: I soar. I am worthy. My dreams will come true.

3.13.16 2:51 PM: It’s Nikki’s birthday.

I feel like all I do is edit, play games, RP, watch cartoons... :(

Even though I love that stuff, it doesn’t make me money. It makes me happy, so happy, but. Where am I going in my life?

I just feel so fragile I’m worried that if one day, my family snaps at me and says how they hate having to support me, that I won’t be able to take it. That I’ll run away, or worse. I’ve had some suicidal ideations lately. I feel like my family hates me. I know it’s silly but. Maybe at the very least they resent me.

:( I wish I wasn’t like this.

3.21.16 1:42 PM, Monday: It’s so hard not to feel like he [my dad] hates me. I keep having horrible dreams about fighting with him or other family like my sister. :(

Things will work out. Things will pay off.

Lots of pain right now. I have so much to do always. Always trying, always in pain, never have money.

Caught int he swirl.

I am something and someone.

3.28.16 1:19 PM: If I get that job it’s going to be really difficult to balance with bg work but what choice do I have? I can’t afford my bills right now.

(written out weekly schedule with a drawing of Bill crying and saying, “you can do it”)

I can do this. I can make it happen.

4.4.16 8:37 AM: Bad morning anxiety again. I kept waking up with my heart pounding. Dry-heaved a bit at 7am.

So much going on in my head. Wish I could stop it.

4.29.16 8:45 PM: Ugh!! MOOD DOWN, CAN’T FOCUS!! SAD!!

5.29.16 12:25 PM: Wow. Really been in la la land. Mood crazy. My period came 11 days late and I am 900% sure I felt a cyst pop.

I haven’t been meditating... I really need to get back into it so I won’t fall apart. also I lost out on 3 bookings, ugh. :( It’s just a dry spell. It will get better.

I just want to cry in bed. A lot.

6.13.16 8:52 PM: Whoops. I have no memory of actually writing that last post.

Still having a hard time with this summer depression... Trying to hang in there.

I had 2 insane customers stress me out the past 2 shifts. Shoots are still only about 1/week...

I’ve been keeping busy despite my health though. Been editing and stuff a lot, though rest breaks get me down.

BUT SO. I moved my room around. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

(drawing of my room before and after)

So much nicer. I think I’ve been sleeping better. And now there’s not all this junk space under my bed or to the side. Love it!

Well so... Friday I had a bad audition. It sucked so hard. Had to cry, tried to prepare, couldn’t cry... fuck.

Whatever. Life goes on. My confidence has sucked lately.

Sigh (drawing of New in lamb hat with eyes full of tears)

There was a bad shooting. Worst in US history, at a gay club in Florida. 49 dead. The whole world is crying. I feel numb.

6.14.16 11:45 PM: I love my dad more than anyone in the whole universe. He has done so much for me and other people. He deserves the best love. He deserves to be happy.

I’m so sick of women hurting him like this. He tries so hard to make things work.

I hope he’ll be okay.

I just want him to know how special he is.

6.28.16 1:11 PM: Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in an hour. Period started. Depressed.

Keep making mistakes at my part-time job. Worried. Stressed.

Tuesday now, been eating nothing but jello since Saturday.

Just feeling really down about my situation. My health, work, school, friends. Everything.

I hate the snarling monster inside of me. I hate who it makes me. I hate myself for yelling at my dad yesterday.

I just really don’t like myself.

What can I do?

7.1.16 1:20 PM: Shooting a chronic pain thing in my room right now.

Camera in my face.

Feeling tired but pretty good.

7.24.16 10:38 PM: There’s so much to say but it’s late, gotta take my meds, and I got a shoot.

I release pain. I release guilt. Namaste.

8.11.16 2:22 PM: Why do things have to be so hard? I’m trying my best. I really am. But it’s not enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever live alone, be independent, be happy?

I feel like my dad resents me. I know he loves me but I just have so much pain and guilt for existing. I know I am capable of so much more and that life has so much to offer me... it’s just so hard.

9.3.16 8:17 PM: Hooey, it’s September. 3rd week with no bookings, taking an extra day at part-time job.

Since I’ve had all these days off I have been dividing my time to get things done, rest, play games, better myself. Even just a little at a time is good.

9.11.16 11:13 PM: Finally got work. Which means I worked 5 days. Yay.

I’m still trying to improve my writing. My problem is I never really have a plan—or I get stuck at words, instead of just writing.

9.12.16 10:49 PM: Oh, hell... My agent called today, I got booked on some shoot. But it’s for tomorrow, so. I can’t since now I work Tues as well. So last week I worked SUN, TUES, WED, THU, FRI... hooly shit. No wonder I feel awful.

Of course when I tried to talk to ___ about it they made me cry. Fuck. Been depressed all fucking day. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m okay. I have distractions. I have coping methods.... I have myself. Soon is paychecks. I’m okay.

Tomorrow is... let’s see.

7 AM wake, meditate, yoga 8 AM tea, tumblr 9 AM edit 10 AM read 11 AM rest 12 PM ?????

I can do it.

9.23.16 12:27 PM, Friday: My body is struggling to keep up w this schedule.

I worked Sun Mon Tues Wed, had yesterday off, now I have to be at a shoot in a few hours. I’ve had to seriously up my self-care game to be able to do this. Tomorrow is school and acupuncture. I’ll be wiped out.

But... money! Also I’ve been meditating a lot with amethyst and rose quartz.

(a row of crystals)

On Mon my shoot was so hard, I was having such a rough time but then I met two cool Japanese women. One is Michiko Nishiwaki, a famous stunt woman. She and the (other) Michiko seemed really impressed by me and want me to get on TV. Yay.

Okay, I feel woozy so it is time to read.

10.11.16 12:12 pm: Last week was two kinds of intense.

SUN-WED: bad depression. bad pain. bad bad bad.

TH: Doc, got dmv handicap parking placard, bloodwork, x-rays, narcotics. FRI-SAT: pain so easy, feeling happy.

SUN: pain back after good massage

Now I’m feeling depressed again.

I’m so scared for my future. I just can’t bear the thought of still being in this situation at age 30.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

10.20.16 12:30 PM: I booked a short film. Happy about it but feeling depressed about my health again.

It’s like a merry-go-round.

(sad crying face)

10.31.16 11:46 PM: (arrow pointing to previous entry) I don’t remember writing that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Well. Tomorrow is November.

Yikes. Where was I last year around this time? Only doing bg, no vlogs to edit. No Overwatch.

What did I do during down time? How did I keep sane?

This year has brought a lot of change, but ti’s easy to see it only as the same because my career is so slow going.

Just keep swimming.

11.25.16 4:15 AM: I start my hostessing job in 5 hours. New job. 3rd job.

Idk. I’m so sad rn. Anxious. Woke up w racing heart. Pukey. I wanna cry.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

12.1.16 9:48 PM: I threw up a lot, just now recovering a week later.

Things:

New job: shift got cut Tuesday

Universe made up for it by having casting call me with work. Cult member. Very far but this should be interesting.

Doc today gave me gave more tramadol + xanax ☆ Nice.

it’s December wtf

Made a Patreon

12.12.16 10:02 PM: Energy is focused. Going to set up 2017 to be a great year.

12.16.16 3:07 PM: I intend to heal. I feel terrific. I love myself. I release guilt. The universe supports me. Today I expect that something wonderful is going to happen.

My Dharma is to guide, inspire, teach, and help.

All is perfect. All is well.

#spoonie #chronic illness #fibromyalgia #narcolepsy #invisible illnesses #personal #teku #long post #suicide mention

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