the-fangirl-diaries - Tumblr blog

the-fangirl-diaries · 16 days

Text

FINALLY, AN ANTHROPOID FANFICTION!!

Hope

Part 1

…………………………………………………………………………….

It had been eight months that they’d been living like this, all together in the cramped little apartment, taking turns sleeping on the one bed, using the one bath, making meals each day. And as unnatural as the entire situation was, it grew to feel somewhat normal and domestic, like one big, mismatched family. They’d been thrown together without any prior knowledge of each other, but the time together had allowed for a closeness to form amongst them all. It served the situation well, as any onlookers and bystanders were easily convinced that the two couples were meant to be together. Little did anyone know that they were all a part of this harrowing situation.

But there was a big part of her that didn’t want it to be an act. She kept this a secret, of course, not even sharing with Marie how she felt. But over the course of the last eight months, a warmth and devotion towards Josef had grown within her, and that soon grew even more into what she was afraid was love. Every time she allowed herself to acknowledge it, she just as quickly admonished herself. How could she be so foolish as to let herself have these feelings? This situation was fabricated, and not permanent, and, in the most basic form, it was an act. She had been a part of similar situations before, albeit not quite as lengthy or involved, but never had she ever let emotion cloud her. Until now.

It wasn’t just one thing; it was everything about him. Quiet, stoic, and intense, he was always reserved and practical, but he was also thoughtful, kind, and ever the gentleman. He was dedicated and focused, and at first glance, one might think enough experiences had caused him to be hardened, as he gave little away. But over time, she had come to learn him, to understand his looks and his body language. He was hardened, in fact, but not by what he’d been through, exactly. Moreso, it was the fact that he’d had to go through any of it at all. He was sad. Sad that this was the life he had to live, that any chance of normalcy had been robbed from him long ago. She could tell that each day, he functioned somewhat on automatic, trying to ignore the fact that this was what his life was. And it hurt so much to watch because he was such a good man.

He didn’t deserve that, she thought. None of them did. When it came down to it, they’d all been forced into this life, unaware of how much it would consume them and chart their courses for them. Had any of them known, they’d never have agreed to be involved in the first place. But war brought about all kinds of scenarios that no one would have ever dreamed of, and it would be a safe bet to say that their former selves would never recognize the people they were today.

Yet, she always remained hopeful. Hopeful that this would one day end, that normalcy, or some sense of it, could be hers again – could be for everyone. She refused to let herself completely resign to the idea that her life could end this way. And she tried so hard to make others believe the same. As she and Josef would walk together, she’d insert a hopeful remark here and there, trying to lighten the weight he carried that was always felt but never seen. When he’d talk about things he’d hoped for as a younger man, he always said it with the finality that it would never be. She couldn’t bear to hear it, and so she’d do as much as she could to try and bring a smile to his face, to offer him hope. She willed him to believe it, but she had the fear that she hadn’t been successful.

At the same time, though, she did her best not to overstep. She knew she had no right to project anything onto him, and outside of the occasional times when they got more personal, she did her best to mind her own business. The less she provoked, the better, she thought. Just let them be, she thought. She again reminded herself that she had no right to be a part of their real lives.

However, no matter how much she’d reminded herself of that, she hadn’t been able to stop herself from falling for him, and she felt ashamed for letting it happen. He was everything she could want, and she found herself daydreaming of another world, one in which they’d met naturally, where his handsome face wasn’t always tinged with sadness, and where he chose to be around her because he wanted to be, not because he had to be. Of course, he’d never made her feel as if he didn’t want her around, but it wasn’t as if any of them had a choice. But there were times when, for the briefest moments, she’d catch him looking at her in a way that made her heart forget their situation, that felt like he saw her as she hoped he would. In those moments, she’d had to stop herself from reaching for him.

She had awoken that day with a new resolve to ignore it all and simply focus on the task at hand. It had been easy enough earlier in the day, as she and Marie had been away from the apartment all day to retrieve information from various intel sources. They’d even had a scare when gunfire had rung out at a storefront as they’d walked by, but it turned out to be from a disagreement between two shop owners, one of which apparently lost his temper. Her heart had raced as they’d thrown themselves to the ground, and it seemed almost comical now that she was unscathed.

When she and Marie had arrived back at the apartment, both Josef and Jan immediately jumped from their chairs where they’d been sitting at the small dining table, having heard about what happened. Marie and Jan had rushed to each other, meeting in the middle of the room for a heated embrace, yet she stayed at the doorway. After watching them for a moment, she felt Josef’s eyes on her, and when she looked to him, his expression was one she couldn’t read. He almost seemed to be, dare she say, restraining himself, and her heart pounded when he opened his mouth to speak. But almost immediately, he decided against it, and she simply gave him a small nod before turning back around to remove her coat and hat. She then went to the bathroom to splash some water on her face before excusing herself to go downstairs to the landlady’s apartment.

She was grateful she had agreed to watch the woman’s small grandbaby for a few hours, needing the distraction. She had hoped to have Marie for emotional support after all they’d been through that day, but as she carried the baby back into the apartment, she found her and Jan putting on their coats and heading for the door she’d just come through.

“There’s a band playing at the pub down the street,” Marie explained as they stopped on their way out. “Won’t you come with us?”

She said nothing, simply gesturing to the baby on her hip.

“Why on Earth did you agree to that?” Marie asked. “How long?”

“It’s only for a couple of hours,” she responded. “For all that woman has done for us, the least I could do was allow her a short time’s peace to visit her husband at the hospital. Besides, it will be nice to have a little lightheartedness around here.” She looked at all of them, including Josef, who stood in the kitchen, leaning against the sink. “I think I may cry if I have to spend another night around all of you.”

They all had laughed, but she noticed how Josef’s expression had quickly returned to a serious one. Although she’d turned away, she could still feel his eyes on her as she’d said goodbye to Marie, waving the baby’s small hand at her and Jan as they’d rushed down the stairs. She had then closed her eyes briefly and silently inhaled a deep breath, steeling herself before closing the door and turning around. Josef was likely highly annoyed that a baby would be disrupting his evening.

“You didn’t care to join them?” she’d asked him.

“No,” he’d replied simply, still standing across the room.

“Well, I’m sorry to do this to you,” she apologized. “I thought for certain that I would be alone, or at least that it would only be Marie and myself. I didn’t mean to disrupt your evening.”

“It’s fine,” he’d replied, and when the baby suddenly cooed and grabbed her finger with a squeal, the hint of a smile spread across his face as he watched her laugh.

“It suits you,” he said, looking between her and the baby.

Her eyes shot to him at his words, a blush dancing across her cheeks as their eyes met. The moment felt suffocatingly intimate, and she had to look away from him. Fortunately, the baby was making enough noise to keep away an awkward silence, and when he stretched his arms out towards Josef, she smiled.

“I think someone likes you,” she said to Josef, allowing herself to look at him again. “Would you like to hold him?”

A look of hesitancy crossed his face, and he didn’t move away from the sink. Nevertheless, she walked to him with the baby, stopping in front of him and smiling.

“Go on,” she encouraged him quietly. “It will be good for you.”

Josef glanced at her again briefly before looking down at the baby. She shifted him in her arms and then passed him to Josef, who gave one more look of uncertainty before awkwardly taking him from her. Their bodies brushed as she helped him adjust the baby, and she guided his hands to where best to hold him. After a moment of awkwardness, Josef seemed to (almost) happily surrender to the situation, and when she saw the two of them smile at each other, she physically had to turn around and look away, the entire sight being too much to take. But when the baby squealed again, she turned back around.

“Alright, let’s take you in the other room, shall we?” she said to the baby, not allowing herself to look at Josef again. Keeping her eyes lowered, she gently took the baby from him and turned around, walking into the sitting room and making the baby comfortable on the floor.

The few hours passed without incident, and she managed to keep the baby happy and entertained, singing to him and making him laugh, bouncing him on her lap or walking around the room with him. Not once did she let herself look beyond the room for Josef, and, in fact, he’d been so quiet that by the time the landlady had knocked on the door to retrieve the baby, she’d nearly forgotten he was there. She chatted with the landlady at the door for several minutes before stepping back inside and closing the door. As she turned into the kitchen, her eyes met Josef’s, who was standing near the sink again, watching her. Her heart pounded, but rather than indulging herself in foolish thoughts, she headed towards the bedroom, grateful for the distraction of the baby’s extra blanket that the landlady had left behind. She’d return it to her tomorrow, she thought, and she picked it up off the bed and carefully began folding it. But soon, the sound of Josef stopping at the door caused her heart to skip a beat.

“In another life, I’d make you my wife,” he said quietly.

Her heart completely stopped, and when she turned around and met his eyes, she briefly forgot how to breathe.

“What?” she whispered, hardly able to form the word.

He stepped the rest of the way into the room, stopping in front of her, his eyes never leaving hers.

“In another place, in another time, I would make you my wife,” he repeated. “You would be mine. You would have my children. And you’d let me love you.”

She could hardly comprehend what he was saying, her blood pounding in her ears as she looked at him. Yet, she couldn’t stop her own words that came next.

“I would never have to let you,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “I would willingly be yours...in an instant.”

Josef’s jaw clenched as he reached for her, his hand slipping behind her neck and gripping it firmly with possession.

“You would?” he asked.

“I am,” she replied. “I’m yours.”

He shook his head, stroking the back of her neck as he pulled her closer.

“Not here, not now. It’s been taken from us.”

“No, Josef,” she said as she shook her head, tears silently running down her cheeks. “It can happen. Here and beyond.” She raised her hands and gripped his shirt. “You speak so certainly about impossibility. What about the opposite? You have to have hope, Josef. Don’t live as if you’re already dead. Please!”

Looking down into her eyes, he slipped his hands to her cheeks, cradling her face. His eyes were full of love and heartache. With the direction his life had taken, never did he expect to find a woman like this. A woman so full of love and compassion, yet so strong and resilient. Someone who had every reason to be mad at the world, but instead was full of light and kindness and beauty, and who grasped at hope. Hell, he hadn’t wanted to find her, resigned to the fact that his life couldn’t be that way, and that it would in all likelihood be cut short at any moment. What was the point of love if it was met with death? But she had made her way into his heart against all odds.

Pulling her even closer, he closed his eyes tightly and rested his forehead against hers. For the first time, he allowed himself the tiniest sliver of hope for beyond all this. Hope for a life with her in his arms. A life where the good swept away the bad.

“I love you,” he whispered to her.

Reaching up, she wrapped her arms around his neck and stroked his hair.

“I love you,” she echoed back to him. “So much that it hurts. But we have to believe that there’s a future beyond all this. We have to.” She pulled back enough to look at him, touching his cheek as he continued to hold her.

“Make me,” he said as he looked into her eyes. “Make me believe.”

When their lips met, her knees buckled, and Josef held her against him as they both became lost in each other. Hope, love, and desire rendered each of them helpless, and as they made love, time seemed to stand still, their bodies and their emotions connecting in a painfully beautiful way. When the room fell silent, Josef held her against him as she drifted off to sleep. As the light of the moon shone through the small window and highlighted her beautiful face, he clung to her tighter. Clung to her, and to hope. The hope that, somehow, they would come out of all this on the other side. Together.

Part 2

@neonpurplestars89-blog

#cillian murphy #anthropoid #josef my beloved

39 notes · View notes