thecoolestkev

[thecoolestkev]

IT'S CLOUDY BUT I'M NOT TOO SAD

We are on October 7, 2021 and 10 am and it's super gloomy in my area. Like, hoodie weather vibes.

My brain gravitated towards bad thoughts earlier today but I'm trying to keep it together. Physically I'm like meh cause I'm kinda breaking out but you know what IT'S NORMAL.

I'm tired of going from feeling extremely confident in how I look to feeling utterly disgusted at myself when I get like 2 zits. Who cares. I'm gonna try to be nicer to myself.

Sofia's leaving on Sunday so I think we're hanging out tomorrow, which I'm super excited about.

I'm super busy today so I'm gonna get a bunch of things done. TikTok Video, YouTube video, and editing the first part of the course all day today. No gym cause it's my rest day.

5 things I'm grateful for: my equipment, social media, my mom, Sofia, Brandon, Anushk. That's 6 but whatever.

Ok talk to you soon!!

#gay #diary entry #writing

[thecoolestkev]

TikTok Is Stressful

My account's been through hell and back this past month. Like once I hit 100K followers on TikTok back in August, it's just been a fucking rollercoaster AND NOT A FUN ONE.

Most of my videos that get taken down get RESTORED after I submit an appeal but lately, there have been videos where the appeal is never received and so I keep getting post-banned, and then getting un-banned, and then getting post-banned again and I'm just so stressed out because I don't want to lose this? Before I even launch anything?

I also have been getting lots of #hate so that's fun too. People thinking I'm a clown for the whole "normalizing white men" shit and more now for "pushing a heteronormative agenda" like stop I'm gay and I just post about what I like. Jesus.

Anyway I'm fucking #stressed and I want to move on from TikTok. Like I NEED to grow on YouTube and other places cause I can't live on TikTok tbh.

Mood level this morning: 6.

Sofia's coming over later and I'm very excited to hang out. I'm gonna try to get a bunch of shit done before. Gonna film a TikTok video and film the next couple videos for my course.

5 things I'm grateful for: My mom, Sofia, BS, the gym, my equipment.

#diary #gay #writing

[thecoolestkev]

Repeat After Me: I'm Going To Have A Good Day Today.

I'm going to have a good day today. I'm going to have a good day today. I'm going to have a good day today.

I didn't copy and paste that, by the way, I typed it all out. Because I'm going to have a good day today.

Mood check.

On a scale of 1-10 (1 being "should I purchase a gun" and 10 being "I COULD CRY TEARS OF JOY") my mood level this morning is about a 6.

Trying to get it up cause it's a beautiful day. The sun is out. It's currently 9:31 am and I already finished my morning routine (which is literally like 2 hours of getting ready).

TODAY I am going to make a TikTok, send some emails for my mom's biz, edit my VSL, edit next week's YT video, and write out my next YT video.

IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD DAY.

#diary entry

[thecoolestkev]

I Thought Of You This Morning

It's Monday, September 27, and it's so fucking gloomy today. It's cloudy outside and just like every other day, I thought of you this morning.

I've been feeling pretty good about life and about us. I know there isn't really an "us" since we're not together, but you know what I mean.

Yesterday, the book you recommended finally got shipped to my house. "Can't Hurt Me" by David Goggins. I'm so excited to read it!!

I still gotta finish "The True Believer." I promise I'll get to that this week hahaha.

I'm really happy to get back into reading because before I had the wonderful pleasure of getting to know your beautiful brain that so graciously recommends me books to read a couple times a year, I didn't really read books.

Aside from re-reading the Harry Potter series for the millionth time, I mean.

It's gloomy today. But I'm feeling pretty alright. I FaceTimed Sofia last night and we had a really good conversation. Super happy about that.

Today, I'm gonna send a couple emails for my mom's biz, then record a TikTok, then record my next YouTube video, then post last week's YouTube video, and then go on a livestream to push people to get on the YouTube.

I'm getting a haircut tomorrow and once I revise my VSL one more time, I'm gonna start filming that this week! I'M SO EXCITED!!

I want to thank you again, for everything. I know you hear this all the time in person, because I literally can't shut up about how amazing you are and how much I love & respect you and how much I look up to you, so I can't bother you too much about it (that's why I have this blog) but damn I just need to say it.

You're a great friend and one day, when our relationship has to change, for whatever reason... I want to be able to be happy for you.

When you move away, go on a year-long business trip, find somebody that you love... When we can no longer be in each other's lives, for whatever reason...

I don't ever want to be somebody that has to resort to hating you to cope with it.

So I won't. I'll try my absolute hardest to get better now. For me and also for you.

I'm sure this doesn't matter to you as much as it does to me, but I still think it's important to write this just to jot down my feelings and document my progress.

I love you forever and ever and that's never going to change. Like, ever.

OKAY MOOD CHECK!

My mood level today, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being “I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE” and 1 being “should I buy a gun?”), is about a 7.

FIVE THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR:

1. Sofia

2. You, obviously

3. My mom

4. My recording equipment

5. Social Media

OKAY TALK TO YOU LATER! Hope I can see you this week :) ❤️

#gay #diary entry #FEELING ALRIGHT!

[thecoolestkev]

"But if you would notice me, I'll give you everything."

I woke up today at 6:30 am and I decided to not go back to sleep. For some reason, "Emma Watson" by AJ Rafael is stuck in my head.

It's funny that somehow, I can relate to AJ Rafael singing about his celebrity crush - except my crush is on you, not Hermione Granger.

I don't know if you know this, but AJ Rafael's entire "Red Roses" album is one of my favorite albums of all time. This was the album that got me to buy my first ukelele and post my first ever covers on YouTube when I was 12 years old.

This entire album is about love. I didn't have a person to think about back then when I listened to it, but ever since I met you... now, I do.

I don't think I've ever shown you any of these songs, but I will the next time that I see you. I think you'll actually like them a lot.

Anyway, it's 9 am and I'm gonna get a bunch of things done today. I'm gonna make a TikTok, film my next YouTube video, and try to finish my outline for the course. I want to have the first draft of the outline 100% done on my end, before seeing you. I'm gonna finish it.

Last Friday, you told me that I had a lot of potential with social media, and the next day, you told me that I did a really good job on my second draft of the VSL. I told you how much that meant to me, but I'm gonna take this time to tell you again, how happy that made me feel.

Not to be dramatic, but ever since you rejected me that first time in January 2019, all I've ever craved was your respect and validation. I feel like, despite all the mess we've been through, lately you've been showing me more of that respect and validation that I've always worked hard towards.

This dynamic might have toxic undertones, and nobody's going to understand, but I do. And I'm sure you do.

You push me. You believe in me. You encourage me to challenge myself and see through my fullest potential. And it means more to me than you could ever imagine.

I love you for a lot of reasons, but your intelligence and ambition top the list for me. Thank you for everything. I love you forever ❤️Even if things don't work out well for us at some point. Because I'm grateful to even have had the chance of getting to know you every week these last three years.

Sorry for the long, dramatic essay. I know you're not super into these. Good thing you don't know that this blog exists.

I'll see you soon, B.

#gay #diary entry #dear Ben

[thecoolestkev]

That James Dean Daydream.

Woke up today thinking of Ben. Is anyone surprised?

I'm not upset or anything, just thought about him and how beautiful he is as a person, inside and out. Hence the header. Style, anyone?

By the way, I am aware that being disgustingly obsessed with somebody, is, well, disgusting. Ya don't gotta tell me.

I sound like a broken record, but I really am trying to break every single bad habit that I've kept for a while/my whole life. That includes not being productive, spiraling, thinking of Ben 24/7. It's time to change baby.

It's not going to be easy but I'm determined to just keep moving forward. Bad days are gonna come but so will good ones. So will good ones.

While I'm still alive on this earth with the privilege of knowing somebody like Ben and having the best mom in the world, I'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts. Cause life is short.

I am feeling good today.

My mood level this morning, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being “I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE” and 1 being “should I use a rope or a gun?”), is about an 8.

Gonna post a TikTok, then a YouTube video, and then go live to talk to some of my followers.

Then I have a lot to do for my course. Gonna get as much of the outline done, and start writing out the script for my next YouTube video.

My mom and I watched some drunk Kylie videos last night and it was fun.

I'm grateful for my mom, Ben, Taylor Swift, the GYM, and social media.

#gay #diary #entry

[thecoolestkev]

Good Morning

It's September 20 and WOW did this month just fly by. I wanted to come on here and update you on my feelings.

My mood level today, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being “I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE” and 1 being “should I use a rope or a gun?”), is about a 7.

Talked to Anushk a bit this morning and he updated me on his weekend. That was nice. Love him.

I haven't been in the mood to get into super long conversations with my friends lately. I'm not really sure why.

A part of me feels like it's just a part of growing up. Another part of me feels misunderstood and underestimated. And another part of me feels like I'm being constantly judged for every decision that I make.

It's probably all of it combined.

Definitely love the friends that I have now to death, but I've been wanting to make new friends that are more similar to me.

And no, by "similar," I do not mean friends that are gay and asian and post about sex on the internet.

I mean people that understand my goals and my struggles and have somewhat of the same values that I've adopted in recent years.

I definitely feel like my perspective on life and general opinions about the world have shifted in recent years. Ben is big factor in helping me discover the most authentic feelings and values that I've been somewhat scared to really share some of my friends and to the general public.

Maybe because I don't want to deal with getting judged. Or to deal with people assuming that I'm only this way now to impress him.

Last thing: I've been radio silent about the details of how I've been feeling towards him to all of my friends over the last month or so.

I realized that I kind of just want to keep that private, since I'm still trying to figure everything out. I don't want outside opinions affecting my mental health regarding the whole situation.

Like I've mentioned in other posts, when you're trying to better yourself, it's not just one habit that you're breaking. It's a million of different habits every single day - habits that have proven to be more detrimental than beneficial.

One of those habits is immediately texting or calling my friends whenever I'm sad about Ben. Sometimes even for a reason that doesn't warrant me using my friends as therapists.

I'm done with that. And although they swear that they're always cool with listening to me, I'm sure they're pretty done with is as well.

Okay, five things I'm grateful for this morning. Anushk, my mom, social media, Taylor Swift, the gym.

I have to do a bunch of things today. Mostly VSL and course stuff, but also gotta make a video, post stuff on IG, and work out.

Talk to you soon.

#gay #diary #entry

[thecoolestkev]

"He's so tall and handsome as hell. He's so bad but he does it so well."

Again, I'm sorry for being disgustingly obsessed with this man. Actually, why am I apologizing? This is literally my own blog.

Anyway, I definitely have mental roadblocks throughout my days, but I really am trying to break most of my daily habits and better my entire life.

I'm feeling alright today. Going to set up my third YouTube video, work out, write out my fourth YouTube video, edit my VSL, and maybe make a TikTok video.

My mood level today, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being “I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE” and 1 being “should I use a rope or a gun?”), is about a 7.

I'm grateful for Taylor Swift, my mom, my good health & fitness, social media, and Ben.

#gay #diary #entry #positivity

[thecoolestkev]

Feeling gooooooood.

I saw Ben last night and I don't know why but it was SO FUN. We didn't even do much. I had an amazing time and this morning, he helped me a lot with my VSL and with my upcoming projects and honestly I am just so, so, so grateful. If you're reading this, Ben, I LOVE YOU.

My mood today, from a scale of 1-10 (10 being "I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE" and 1 being "should I use a rope or a gun?"):

8.

I FEEL GREAT.

LET'S HOPE THIS LASTS.

5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. Ben. Ben. Ben.

2. My mom.

3. TikTok and YouTube.

4. My car.

5. My laptop.

I'm trying to change up the things I'm most grateful for everyday so I can remember everything in my life that makes me happy.

Thanks for reading, talk to you soon.

#gay #diary entry

[thecoolestkev]

"Say you'll see me again, even if it's just in your wildest dreams."

Sorry for the dramatic header but Taylor Swift just put out her version of "Wildest Dreams" this morning and the lyrics are unfortunately... #relatable.

I'm feeling alright this morning. Not amazing, but not horrible. Taking it each day at a time.

My mood level this morning, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being "I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE" and 1 being "should I use a rope or a gun?"), is about a 5.

I've been thinking a lot about what Taylor said in an interview once, about her song, "Clean."

She said that when you're really trying to move on from somebody or recover from heartbreak, it's almost like the same kind of struggle someone goes through trying to beat addiction.

"It's not one habit that you're breaking, it's every single minute of the day you're breaking a habit, and it's exhausting."

I don't mean to be super overdramatic on this fine Friday morning because I'm very blessed to be living the life I'm living, but damn... Sometimes I really do struggle with a lot of fucked up things going on in my head.

It feels like I've been stuck in this laundry machine over the last three years, going back and forth between feeling indescribable happiness and indescribable pain with this person that I've been having sex with.

I know that what I go through mentally is a choice. I'm not gonna sit here and say that I'm a helpless victim because I'm not. So I'm gonna wrap this up soon.

Anyway, back to the point of the post - lately I've been trying to break any bad habits that I have. Waking up late, spiraling for hours, doing nothing. Really trying to get myself together and just be better.

It's so fucking hard sometimes because I've put so much of my self-worth on the hands of somebody else's opinion of me, and honestly I'm exhausted.

I'm tired.

Currently unhappy with my life and I am trying to make it better, but I'm frustrated that it's not happening quick enough.

I know that better things will come as long as I keep moving forward, so I will continue doing so.

Things I'm grateful for:

1. Taylor Swift.

2. My mom's support for everything that I do.

3. My followers online.

4. My friends.

5. My good health and fitness.

Talk to you later.

#diary #gay #taylor swift #wildest dreams #lol

[thecoolestkev]

Mood Check

It's 9:50 am on September 16. I just finished my morning routine (bathroom, breakfast) and now I'm about to make some videos.

On a scale of 1 to 10, (1 = should I use a rope or a gun, 10 = I am the happiest man alive), this is my mood this morning:

5.

I'll be back later to update you on stuff maybe. We'll see.

Ben hasn't responded to me, and the internet's been stressing me out lately because of that stupid video but I'm all good.

(I'm not, but I'm going to pretend like I am and just try to keep moving forward cause what else can I do).

Toodles!

#gay #diary #entry

[thecoolestkev]

What Keeps Me Going

When it comes to you and me, what keeps me sane whenever we're not talking is the fact that your happiness matters to me.

I'm trying to train my brain into remembering that if you're busy, or if you're seeing somebody else, or if you're just not in the mood to see me - why would I want you to?

Sometimes I think that texting you or calling you whenever I feel distant from you is the right move, but that couldn't be more false.

If one of my friends tried talking to me about deep/emotional stuff during a time when I feel icky towards them, they would be pushing me away even further.

I get it.

But not gonna lie, I'm struggling. Like, I'm not dying or anything, but damn I miss you.

I really hope nothing's wrong. And I hope we'll work things out as we keep moving forward with our lives.

I love you, I miss you, let's hang out soon please.

[thecoolestkev]

Emptiness

Do you ever feel like there's a hole in your heart and you're using somebody's validation and attention to fill up that hole? Cause I do. I've felt that way for the last three years.

It's such a weird feeling, because I'm sure none of this is that big of a deal to him. I mean, yes, he's proven to me that he cares about me. I know that. But this is beyond him. This is about my brain.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just know that when it comes to him, I could be go from the saddest man alive to the happiest man alive, and vice versa.

Kind of like a really bad drug that you've gotten addicted to. Except instead of a pill that you swallow or a powder that you snort, it's a friend that you fuck. A close one, too.

Then there are those moments where I just feel absolutely empty on the inside. Like right now.

Different variations of the same thought, filling up my brain. Loud with echoes.

"I'm never going to find love, because I'm not good enough."

I sound so fucking dramatic. Ugh. Leave me alone, I'm sad.

Anyway, yeah. I'm just gonna pretend like I'm talking to him now, because I miss him and I can't tell him any of this, so... I'll just tell you.

Hey B. I know you're busy and you've got a lot going on, so I'm not gonna bother you too much. Just course stuff and hopefully normal friend things. Hopefully.

We've fought a bunch over the last couple months, and even though we keep coming back together, it feels like we 're nearing the end. And honestly, it's killing me. I'm just trying to take it each day at a time and move forward through all of this, even though I'm sad pretty often.

I don't know how long I've got left with you, so until we have to call it quits... I promise that I'll try my best to keep my cool. To try my best to not start or cause any fights or arguments, so that if we just ended one of these days, we wouldn't have bad feelings surrounding the last time we saw each other.

I love you so much and I wish I could just tell you that every single day but I know I can't. It's just my natural instinct to want to shower you with love 24/7 and do everything with you cause you make me so fucking happy but I know you don't feel the same way about me. So I won't.

And I know how it must feel for you, when I'm super emotional and attached. I know it pushes you away. So I'll show you when it's appropriate, but I won't tell you any of this.

When we do stop having sex, I'm gonna try to make it work. Like, really try. I love you and you've got so much value to me, it would kill me if I had to let you go. Maybe I will have to at some point but I'm gonna hold on for as long as I can. Because I love you and life is short.

I'm super tired right now so I'm gonna head to bed. I miss you a lot. Like, a lot. I know it's been like a week but damn I just want to see you again. Let's hang out soon please. Love you. Bye.

#gay #diary #entry

[thecoolestkev]

Meh.

Today's one of those days where I don't feel amazing. I was super tired so it was hard to get up this morning, and I just edited a depressing video, and now I'm thinking about Ben. Thinking about Ben can make me feel like the happiest person alive but it also make me feel like the saddest person alive. Today... it's the latter.

I'm not really sure why I'm feeling this way today. I think I just miss him, honestly. It's been over a week since I last saw him, and there's always this insecurity that we'd completely fall apart at any moment that lives rent-free in my mind. I hate it. Even if it's right.

I texted him asking if he's free. He's been busy with work and with his friend visiting and maybe it's because of the movies that I've been watching, but... I'm still pretty sad about the fact that our relationship in real life isn't the romanticized version that I wish it was in my head.

I just know that someday he's going to fall in love with somebody, and I know that it won't be me. And I know that when that day comes, everything's going to change and I'm gonna feel horrible and I'm just bracing myself for that, I guess. I don't really know what to do, to be honest, but I guess it's fine.

Sorry that I can't get this out of my head. It's so hard to just get a grip. I love him... and I miss him, and I want to see him. Sigh.

I also don't know if I should go to New York this weekend. I still have the fucking ticket. Trying to get it refunded. Ugh. Maybe I should just go... I dunno. I'll get back to you soon.

Okay, 5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. My mom. Obviously.

2. My parents' house because I'd be worrying extra about finances if I had to live paycheck to paycheck.

3. The gym, because I know I'm gonna head over there in a bit and I'm gonna feel better about myself.

4. Netflix, because I've been watching so many Mario Casas movies/shows and I'm lowkey obsessed.

5. Social Media because I know I can pursue something with my accounts.

TTYL.

#gay #diary #entry

[thecoolestkev]

Good Days.

It's September 10, and I'm feeling pretty good. I already made a TikTok video, but I still got stuff to do. Here's what I need to get done:

1. Revise VSL.

2. Finish script for tomorrow's youtube video.

3. Update Vedarra PO's.

Probably gonna spend all day doing these things, and honestly, I'm feeling happy and good about them. Feels like I'm on the right track. Oh, I still gotta call the flight insurance people. Hm.

Okay, now onto the five things I'm grateful for today. Gonna try to make these different from my other blog posts.

1. The gym. I am so grateful that gyms aren't closed. I also love my gym and the atmosphere that it has. Thank you, gym.

2. My mom. I love her so fucking much. She does so much for me and I don't ever want to take her for granted.

3. Shannon & Kyle. They're coming over tomorrow, and I'm super excited to have ramen and a sleepover.

4. Brandon. He understands me, my goals and dreams, and supports me with anything that I want to do. His advice is top tier and I am so happy that I have someone like him in my life.

5. My followers. I will never stop celebrating the people that care about me on the internet because it means the world to me that they do. I love them all and I'm so happy that my content makes them happy.

#gay #diary #entry #journal

[thecoolestkev]

Feeling Good.

Ben and I hung out the other day and in my opinion, it was one of our best hangouts yet. But not by the standard that I used to go by, which was pretty much determined by how much it seemed that he was lying to me about secretly being in love with me. No. This time felt good in the most normal sense.

Last week, we got into a fight and decided that we wouldn't sleep with each other again. And then we did. Clearly, this is a pattern that isn't healthy and something needs to change someday. But for some reason, this past time didn't feel crazy and toxic and wrong.

I think it's because it feels like we've added an extra layer of depth to our relationship. Lately, we've been having a lot of deeper conversations about life, friendships, and business, and it seems like nowadays, we're on the same page about a lot of things. Granted, I'm still madly in love with him and our sex life is on very thin ice, but everything else seems to be working out.

I'm starting a new project related to social media and he's been gracious enough to help me out with it. And it means the entire world to me. I'm starting to feel like we could actually be friends once this is all over. Hopefully.

Ben is honestly the smartest person I know and although I'm sure he hits these same topics of conversation with other people in his life... It feels like a pot of gold when he does it with me. I feel so lucky to have him around, always supporting me and whatever I choose to explore.

A few weeks ago, I realized that the reason why I excessively spiral to crazy amounts over Ben not being mine is the fact that I have a lack of purpose. I've been focusing too much time worrying about my frustrating love life that other parts of my life are starting to feel empty and dry. I want to actually work on taking some of the energy that I put into thinking about Ben, and putting it into my career, my friendships, and maybe even my spirituality.

Five things I'm grateful for this morning:

1. Ben.

2. My mom and her business (got my first order today!).

3. Anushk (it's his birthday tomorrow).

4. Sofia and her camera that she so kindly lent me.

5. My followers online.

Anyway, I can't promise that this feeling will last forever. But aside from getting dragged on the internet for saying, "can we normalize liking white guys?" ... I'm feeling pretty good.

#gay #diary entry #love #updates on my life

[thecoolestkev]

Mindlessly Moving

I've always preached living in the moment to the people close to me because I think it's important to be present. I have this somewhat irrational fear in my mind that I could wake up tomorrow and lose everything - my mom, my friends, my life's savings, my reputation, etc.

And so, I try my best to show gratitude and to make the most out of every moment and every situation. I appreciate the littlest things, whether it's getting coffee in the morning with the person I'm complicatedly in love with, or getting paid $200 to make a post on TikTok, or having game nights with my parents. This is inherently a good quality to have.

But it also goes the other way. Whenever I get into a fight with somebody, usually *him* but sometimes my mom too I guess, I somehow cannot drop anything until the situation is fully fixed. This sounds like a good thing but it's not. Because sometimes, I cause the arguments. And sometimes, I refuse to move on from it until I hear what I want to hear.

I feel horrible thinking about how persistent I am sometimes because I know it pushes people away. I know it pushes him away. He tells me all the time. We've been fighting so much over the last few months... I mean we've fought often over the last three years, but it feels a little different now. Things just feel more painful and feel more real. I feel closer to him. We share happier moments together.

Even though we're not dating, for some reason it's so hard for us to try to be normal friends. I understand that it's because we have sex, and also because I'm so deeply in love with him... But I try my best.

Here's the thing though, sometimes trying your best isn't good enough when it's with somebody that isn't on the same page as you. Sometimes, the love that you so passionately show somebody that means the world to you, isn't this big beautiful thing that it is in your head. Because they don't feel the same way towards you. And showing them more and more of that love, isn't going to change that.

I feel like all this time, although he's fucked up pretty often, I always wanted to see him as the bad guy. Even if I defended him to all of my friends. He's right - I've made him look like a bad guy from the beginning. Me defending him now is just a way for me to have control over what I choose to tell the internet and my friends. I think I need him to be the bad guy... so that I wouldn't be.

There have been lots of days and weeks where I feel like I'm just mindlessly moving. I don't really know how to explain it. It's the opposite of living in the moment, because instead, I'm living in this tortured brain that I have, that repeats the same thoughts and fears over and over again.

"He hates you."

"You're not good enough for him."

"You fucked up, and he's never gonna want to see you again."

When he and I first met in January 2019, we had an amazing night except for the part where I couldn't have sex. Because I was a virgin and didn't know anything about anal sex. I asked him to hang out and to try again with me a week later, and he told me that because he was in a relationship, he wasn't looking for anything but sex - I had to learn how to bottom properly to be able to see him again.

This moment set the tone for how I was always going to feel deep down in this relationship. Yes, I succeeded and we became good friends who have good sex regularly over the years, but that doesn't take away from the fact that to this day, I am constantly fighting for his respect. For his validation. For his support.

Which is why I take everything he says to heart. It's why I spend days crying whenever we get into a fight and it's why I feel so accomplished and happy when he tells me that I'm doing a good job at something.

Aside from the fact that he was the person that made me really realize that I was gay, he was the first person to ever believe in me. Before I even showed any signs of working on any potential projects on TikTok, Youtube, Spotify, etc... He was giving me business and life advice for as long as I can remember. And it was never in a way that was condescending. He took care of me. He celebrated every single victory with me.

Last Christmas, I brought my guitar to his place and I played him 3 songs that I had written about him like the week prior. I was horrible at the guitar at the time and the songs honestly weren't finished or good, but he immediately told me that I had to get them produced and published ASAP. Because he thought that I had the potential.

When I first told him that I made a video about him on TikTok and it got me some views, his first response wasn't him being angry that I had made a video about him. It was to continue posting, no matter what, even if it is about him - because he wanted to see me succeed.

When I got my first couple brand deals, he was so happy for me. And he gave me advice on how to talk to brands, how much to charge, etc. He's the person that encouraged me to start thinking about things to sell to my audience and the person that gave me a million ideas on what to do next for my life.

He continues to help me and support me with anything that I want to do, even when he's annoyed at me and doesn't want to see me. And I hope he knows how grateful I am for him, and I hope he knows that he could always talk to me if he ever needed me for anything, and I hope he knows that I will never be able to put into words how much I love him.

I'm crying as I'm typing all of this because I feel like I fucked up again and pushed him away again. I can't stand the thought of him being mad at me because I don't know how much time left I have with him. The thought of losing him makes me want to literally throw up. I refuse to let us fall apart. Even if we have to stop everything that we're doing and try something new. If we ever have to our separate ways... I'll accept it eventually, but it won't go down without me trying my hardest to keep us afloat.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry that I apologize so much to the point where the apology doesn't even seem real anymore because I say sorry for literally everything. I'm sorry for that. And that.

If you're reading this, thank you for being my best friend and for changing my life. I know it sounds dramatic and I'm sure a part of you is cringing hard right now from all of this, but it's the truth. Thank you.

If you're reading this, just know that no matter what happens in life... I'll always be your friend. I'm never gonna stop loving you, even if one of us gets married tomorrow and never hear from the other ever again. You mean the world to me and while I still kind of have you now... I'll do my best to make it right.

#sigh #feelings #gay #love #dating #but not really dating cause we never dated