turnipwritesokay

[turnipwritesokay]

I am a patchwork quilt

my edges roughened by use

my color bleached by time

I am a patchwork quilt

my skin made of abandoned scraps

a jumble of colors and patterns

I am a patchwork quilt

my pieces bound by worn strung

red stitching entangled and fraying

I am a patchwork quilt

I was born of gentle hands

Made to comfort those left behind

I am a patchwork quilt

A ledger of memories lost and forgotten

A reminder that all things end

I am a patchwork quilt

And I am proof that not all ends are final

That life can be rekindled

I am a patchwork quilt.

#poetry #words words words #poems and poetry #salt #grief

[turnipwritesokay]

This too shall pass.

but when?

[turnipwritesokay]

I long to find comfort in my body

To wear sweatpants with an easy grace

And not out of a need to hide myself

For my gaze to skip over my reflection

No longer compelled to study every fault

To look in the mirror and see myself

To finally recognize my reflection as my own

#gender disphoria #words words words #poetry #spilled feelings #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

I’m so tired of being told I’m not enough

Not ever in so many words

But in between the lines of each

I regret to inform you

In the pittying expressions

From dismissive glances and silent doubts

I’m so tired of sitting alone each night

Whispering that I am enough

I am enough

I am enough

I am enough

I am enough

But what if they’re right. It would be so easy to believe.

My words mean weigh nothing

Compared to the stacks evidence

Proving my failure. Inadequacy. Insignificance.

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #salt #philosophy

[turnipwritesokay]

It’s all I have.

It has to be enough.

It isn’t.

#poetry #words words words #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

fuck you for telling me to dream

fuck you for saying anything is possible

you can be anything if you set your mind to it

you’ll do great things

i’m proud of you

fuck you for lying to me

just to make yourself feel better

fuck you for letting me ‘give it my all’

and fuck you for making me clean it up

watching me pour bleach over the tiles

and wash it all down the drain

fuck you for giving me hope. for making me believe in myself. for making this so hard.

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #spilled ink #salt #love #philosophy

[turnipwritesokay]

I stare into the eyes of a stranger

With a strained face and sad eyes

Makeup runs down their face

The mascara they just finished applying.

I take out makeup remover

Glancing at the growing pile of discarded wipes

Stained with black and beige.

And I wipe their eyes, ignoring still falling tears

A deep breath.

A futile promise this is the last time.

And I draw their face back on.

Hands shaking. Breath catching.

I critically eye my work.

Lips quirked in disappointment.

It’ll do for now.

At least until the next time.

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #spilled ink #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

The terifying thought that I’m more comfortable

Here sitting in my misery and discontent

Than I’ll ever be chasing down happiness

The blade of disappointment looming over me

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

I hate the sentiment that living isn’t just surviving.

I get it, I know life should be more

More than a day to day affair

Than eating just to stay alive

It should be a veritable feast

Of friends and families, of hobbies and adventures

But I can’t have that

Not yet at least

No, I’m still just surviving

Playing it day by day

And hoping for anymore will just pain me

So for now I’m just surviving

Just keeping myself afloat

and one day I will truly live

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #spilled ink #quotes #salt #philosophy

[turnipwritesokay]

I’ve been managing so far…

…You shouldn’t have to

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #spilled ink #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

You’re telling me I could’ve been happy this whole time?

That I suffered for nothing?

You’re telling me that all that time I spent sat on the floor, back to the corner, hoping for a way out,

You had the key?

And now you expect me to be relieved? To thank you for your benevolence and shed the sorrow that’s etched itself onto my soul.

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

my playlist titles:

nothing…just a lack of talent

the myth of Sisyphus

nostalgic for a future i’ll never see

the world is ending and there’s nothing you can do

i’m tired

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #spilled ink #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

i’ve spent so many hours longing

dreaming of the possibilities

sketching futures in my mind

of love, of friendship. of something more

overtime the lines faded,

reality blurring into dreams

and i could see no more futures

until my passion dulled, and i no longer dream

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #love

[turnipwritesokay]

Airport Bathroom

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 across and

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 down

50 tiles, but I should double check

So I count them one-by-one

My eyes tracing the grout, yellowed with age

I keep losing track, distracted by the banging of doors

The stream of faucets and clattering of suitcase wheels

So I start all over again, glancing to that first tile

It rests right under the stall’s wall,

a curve cut out to accommodate the toilet’s pipe

I keep count as I track the tiles towards my knees

Shifting them slightly to ensure an accurate count

I have to double check my work,

My cheek rests my arm, eyes half lidded

I lean forward, hands brushing my hair out of my face

And there I kneel, prostrate before the porcelain bowl

Tears blurring my vision as I try to keep count

Because I have to double check my work,

I have to commit this floor to memory

Every stain, every chipped corner and rusted pipe

Because if I’m not, If I let my mind wander

I find myself retracing my steps, through the airport

Back onto the plane and across the county

I find myself sitting in a driveway that isn’t mine

Going over all the ways things could have turned out differently

I instead find myself meticulously cataloging my fuck ups

Creating a list of my shortcomings

Running a regression on my weaknesses

Creating hypotheses and designing studies

If Jay had been better smarter shown initiative chosen a different major applied themself tried

then they wouldn’t be spilling their guts into an airport toilet

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #spilled ink #failure

[turnipwritesokay]

Get Back Up

The hero in the film always gets back up.

Even after being beaten bloody

Loosing the love of his life

Watching his mentor murdered

He remembers some wise asinine saying

And through a tremendous display of will

Pulls himself back up to fight another day

And he wins

How great is that?

He overcomes the odds and he wins!

and he wins

And he beats the villain

And he gets the girl

And he lives to fight another day

I know this would be the point in the story where the hero gets back up

I know I should have some moment of clarity

Or a second wind

A burst of adrenaline

But I dont

There are no memories of my wise mentor

There is no love interest for me to save

But most importantly there is no final fight

I know I won’t win,

I know I’ll just get knocked down again

And I can heroically push myself up

To just repeat the same stupid mistakes

To be stuck in another loop of mediocrity

But it’s so comfortable on the ground

And I know it’ll just hurt more to stand

So why can’t I rest?

What’s so wrong with that

I’m so tired

Why do I have to get up?

Do I have to get up?

I could just play dead, claim a martyr’s death

Give my life some meaning, however contrived

Because each time I get up I lose something

I chose something to protect

To work towards

To love

And I get up for that ‘thing’

Only to fall again, this time farther, this time with empty hands and a broken heart

And now I find I have nothing left

Nothing else to lay my life down for

Nothing else to work towards passionately

No more reason to get up

And it really is comfortable down here

With the other souls lost to time

The other ‘mes’ who failed to do much of anything

And maybe this is what fate wrote for me

Just a midling life with no real purpose

Nothing important or gut wrenching

No passions or grandiose dreams

And it hurts, in an empty, cold, way

But it’s nice

It is so nice

To finally give up

To let my eyes close and relax my straining muscles

So no, I won’t get back up. But you can.

#poetry #words words words #spilled words #spilled feelings #spilled ink #quotes #love #mental health

[turnipwritesokay]

I’ve cut myself open

Bisecting lines across my chest

And pulled everything out

Just to put it all back

a little to the left

And I have nothing left

nothing but the scars and

the feeling that something is wrong

#poetry #words words words #spilled feelings #spilled words #spilled ink #salt

[turnipwritesokay]

you asked me to kiss you, and i did

and i stared at the sparkling lights of the city

but i couldn’t feel your lips or your hands

perhaps the cold wind has sunk into my bones

maybe my body is growing weary with age

possibly i’ve just felt too much for too long

but i close my eyes and pretend i feel you

and i give you what you want

because one of us deserves to feel happy

#poetry #spilled feelings #love poem