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popwasabi · 3 years

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“End of Evangelion” and the tempting nature of oblivion

(TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Pain, Depression, Mental Health, Death)

“End of Evangelion” is a perplexing movie to say the least.

Not that the original classic anime “Neon Genesis Evangelion” series ends on exactly the most conclusive note itself, but “End” takes everything that transpired in the series and literally destroys it.

The films ends with Earth experiencing the long foreshadowed Third Impact and all of the planet returning to the primordial “soup,” as fans call it, with its main protagonist Shinji Ikari and comrade Asuka Langley Soryu as the only remaining humans left. A pseudo, twisted rebeginning of Adam and Eve’s Genesis.

The film is fairly divisive among the fans to say the least. Some fans consider it a masterpiece for its nihilistic tone and mind-bending illustrations of body horror and others despised it for being too dark and confusing with no clear explanation of anything that happened in the film’s events. Hell, even the movie’s fans have a difficult time explaining what exactly happens in the narrative.

I was somewhat in the middle with it after I watched it the first time not super long ago. It was certainly abstract, and I like plenty of stories that don’t make it easy for me to understand. The animation is definitely the franchise’s best and I enjoyed the character moments between Shinji, Asuka, and Misato. But it was also, as stated before, dreadfully confusing and still to this day hard to makes heads or tails out of with its plot.

But, as with more than a few movies I have revisited this year, 2020 helped me contextualize one aspect I think the story is concretely trying to get across.

(We’ll save discussion of “Rebuild” for another day...)

At my lowest points not long ago, I had this frequent vision that would crawl across my mind.

I imagined being up in the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, but I wasn’t floating or flying. I was plummeting, falling like a bird without wings at a speed that would definitely kill me once I got to the ground. But I never imagined actually hitting the Earth like a meat-bagged, human sized asteroid. I only ever imagined the falling part. The wind reaching a terminal velocity and the air rushing past my body and you know what look I had on my face?

Happiness.

I was confused a bit by why I kept imagining this moribund fall into oblivion over and over again. I wasn’t suicidal, though I certainly have had thoughts of self-harm plenty of times before and general detachment from life. But why the fuck was I so happy? I’m about to die after all!

What I have come to realize in recent years, as I’ve developed a better understanding of my mental health and what makes me tick, it wasn’t that I wanted to die so much as I wanted the freedom that comes moments before it. The feeling of finally letting go and letting fate/gravity do the rest.

Years of my life failing at various aspects of societal expectations and career obligations from not being able to get the girls I wanted to date so badly, relationships ending poorly, not quite applying myself the way I should’ve in college, and working a plethora of unfulfilling jobs since graduation made me yearn for that release. Just that feeling of saying “fuck it all” and giving in to the void.

I wanted to stop feeling out of control. The way the world is structured often feels like you are on a wild, rapid river flowing in one very stark direction but you desperately want to go the other way. You keep fighting and fighting it and realize after a while you are just swimming in place, you tire out and either float where the river wants you to go or you drown. I wanted neither of those things, I just wanted control and unfortunately part of life is accepting that a very large percentage of it is beyond your power to alter.

2020 made this feeling starkly apparent once again as we were hit with a once in a lifetime global pandemic that has killed 2.21 million people and counting. As common people struggle to find ways to handle the loss of loved ones and the fallout from economic instability those tasked with protecting us have more or less ignored the cries of needy. Hell, they’re fucking miffed that we would even have the audacity to ask for $2000 of our own fucking tax dollars to put a band-aid on the situation. Combine this with an extremely volatile two-party system and late stage capitalism, we are about as out of control as ever in terms of how much we actually can course correct our destinies in a period like this.

It is why so many irony-pilled millennials and gen z-ers are posting dank memes about meteors colliding with the earth over the course of the year. We’ve lived through two recessions, two forever wars, and now a pandemic in our lifetimes while paying off our crippling debt with slave wages and yet boomers still wonder why we are near universally depressed as a generation.

(Seriously, everybody needs a fucking therapist right now...and also to dismantle the fucking system that’s making us depressed!)

This is what I feel is the real heart of “End of Evangelion.” The movie is a lot of things, obviously, but, after the events of this year and looking back on the more depressing parts of my life, I feel this film is about the tempting nature of oblivion. Giving up when things are clearly beyond your control so you can get that sweet but twisted, fleeting sense of freedom from it all.

Director Hideaki Anno didn’t feel too entirely different about the state of life when he made this series and certainly by the time he made “End” he was in a very dark place.

So, quick history lesson, “Neon Genesis Evangelion” debuted in 1994 and quickly became a classic among fans of anime and the giant mech vs monster genre. Critics loved it for its exploration of mental health and depression and of course plenty enjoyed the hell out of it for its giant monster/robot escapism as well. Fast forward to the conclusion of the series, critics and fans especially are far more polarized. I won’t try to explain exactly what happens in the ending and frankly I don’t think anyone can, but that confusion led to quite a bit of outcry by the fans.

Hideaki Anno, the series’ director, received tons of hate mail and death threats following the series conclusion. The fans hated how abstract it was, how it had an undecisive ending and chose to dive into the mind of Shinji instead of conclusively describing the events of the Third Impact with plenty going as far as to say he had “ruined” his own series for them. This made him unfortunately quite depressed himself over the ending he felt creatively fairly content with.

(I think it should be clear who Shinji is mostly likely a stand-in for in this anime...)

The fan reaction was toxic to say the least and all too familiar for many creatives who didn’t adequately satisfy the insatiable vapid needs of their fandom. Anno did not take this well to put it lightly. A man who was known as a delinquent in high school and expelled from the Osaka University of Arts much earlier in his life, and dealt plenty with his own bouts of depression, Anno had plenty of his own demons to sort out and quite clearly wanted to explore that mental state in “Neon Genesis Evangelion.”

I’ll be honest and say that I myself was not fond of the ending either when I watched it the first time as a freshman in college, and even went as far as to describe it as everything that was wrong with anime to friends in the years that followed for a while. I felt it was confusing and “fake deep,” existential for no reason other than because it just wanted to and people were “dumb” if they liked it.

When I rewatched it again as a much older adult when it came on Netflix last year, I found it much more fascinating and interesting. A sort of abstract introspective into the mind of a troubled teenager, who I had written off many years prior as a “whiny baby.” Though I wouldn’t say I completely understand it still, I get it much more now and I think it has a lot to say about depression and mental health.

Unfortunately, most fans did not have that reaction back then and as a result Anno made his true conclusion “End of Evangelion” as a response to that negativity.

(You’re welcome, nerds.)

As mentioned before, “End of Evangelion” is an extremely nihilistic film that seems to one up each dark moment as you traverse its spiraling narrative. It’s a film where things never get better. If you go into it blind expecting that big last minute heroic save the day moment, it’s always teased and never comes. Things just end very badly for everyone. Nobody gets a “happy ending.”

While the ending to the original series is strange for sure, it does end on a light note that can be interpreted in a number of different ways but ultimately positive. With the way fans reacted to it Anno decided to write a big “fuck you” to them by, in many ways, smashing his toys so no one could play with them again. He even went as far as to splice in the actual hate mail he received into the movie to quite clearly show to the audience, as their favorite characters met their grissly ends, that this was their fault.

(“Gee, I wonder what that was all about.” ~ a fan walking out of the theater back in 1997.)

In a way though, Anno created something strangely beautiful from that reaction. “End of Evangelion” is about giving up in some ways and accepting our inevitable doom. There are no easy answers, no workable solutions to achieve a happy ending because sometimes in life there isn’t one. Despite last ditch efforts by Misato, Shinji, and the crew of NERV the world still ends through the Third Impact. But tonally it’s not quite pessimistic; it’s actually positive, in a very twisted sense of course.

Set to the song “Komm Susser Tod” by ARIANNE, the film’s apocalypse can almost be described as a celebration. With people “popping” and turning into the primordial soup they all largely have smiles on their faces as they kind of get what they want whether it’s a desire to reunite with loved ones, to be with people they have crushes on, or happiness that they have sought for so long in the embrace of others. Everyone’s depressed! But now they are happy because it’s finally all over, they don’t have to give a shit anymore.

As the planet lights up like a Christmas tree, there are images of suicide and death that rapidly cross the screen in the form of the Angel’s final transformation but again, nobody is truly sad about it. They all have some kind of twisted smile or joy that they get from it. It’s a shocking film, if you’re not already prepared for what’s going to happen, and provocative to say the least.

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(Can’t decide if I recommend watching this high or not...)

I had no idea what any of it meant at the time when I watched it several years ago (I watched it well after I had seen the original series), and to be fair there are many ways fans have interpreted what exactly took place in the film and have debated endlessly on its meaning for decades now. But at least in my interpretation, after everything we’ve been through this year, “End of Evangelion” to me is about the sweet release of not giving a fuck anymore.

Whether it’s about Anno feeling that way about his own life or the expectations of his fans or both, the film quite clearly doesn’t care about what people may or may not have wanted for Shinji and the NGE characters and is perfectly fine with the way it all comes “tumbling down.”

(He just wants to be with his boyfriend, guys.)

This past July 4th, city fireworks shows were prohibited in my area because they wanted to limit mass gatherings due to COVID but this didn’t stop people from buying plenty of their own to fire off. In what amounted to a collective “fuck you” to everything and 2020, beginning pretty much exactly at dusk people started firing off their at home lightshows like they were mortar gunners in World War I and did not let up until well past midnight. The entire Southern California night sky was lit up not to unlike the thousands of crosses that filled the screen during the Third Impact of “End of Evangelion” and though it could certainly be interpreted as a moment of people patriotically going “Yea, America!” that night, my head canon was much different. It felt like tens of thousands of people across the region just saying “Fuck it” into the night sky at everything; COVID, our horrendous government, police violence, pending World Wars, environmental disaster, and our collective impending doom from it all.

As these fireworks hit their zenith around 9pm I broke out my phone and started playing “Komm Susser Tod” from the movie and it felt perfect. Everyone just wanted to feel that freedom in the moment, that freedom of not giving a damn anymore. To be removed from expectations, from control, from hatred, from pain and it was kind of beautiful in a sick way.

And that’s what “End of Evangelion” feels like to me now; kind of beautiful in a sick way.

(Not saying the LA skyline looked like this exactly but it felt like it haha...)

There are still many ways to interpret Hideaki Anno’s cult classic, and it’s part of its charm but I think the take away fans should have is definitely not that suicide is ok but that we get it. We understand why people have those feelings and why it feels freeing to desire the void and oblivion. It’s a pity that the series most toxic fans didn’t get that clue through the original finale but Anno, not a person who likes being shoved around, clearly created perhaps the most twistedly beautiful “fuck you” to that in anime history.

As we enter 2021 all I can say is it’s ok to feel like this, it’s ok to desire freedom from the relentless gloom and doom of the world and people’s prying expectations of what they think you “should” be. No one blames you. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to survive the apocalypse we have zero control over, so the least we can do is be a bit nicer and considerate of one another.

At least it’ll make the Third Impact more pleasant whenever it eventually comes...

Happy New Year, everyone!

Congratulations on surviving 2020! Have fun in 2021...

#neon genesis evangelion #end of evangelion #evangelion #hideaki anno #anime #japan #90s #vintage anime #2020 #apocalypse #covid #mental health #depression #sadness #horror #shinji #covid19 #quarantine

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aclosetfan · 3 years

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Lunch Break Blues

The wind whipped Blossom's hair as she tried wrestling it into a top knot. It had been raining on and off all day, and no doubt it would start up again soon, but while the rain had momentarily ceased, she and her sisters took advantage of the rare sunlight pouring through the broken clouds. It was the first lunch in a long week that they took perched atop one of the skyscrapers far from any prying eyes. Usually, a weather report full of rain made Townsville dull and would drive Buttercup crazy, but this week's unprecedented downpour had done little to stop Townsville's villains. Blossom suspected it was because they were feeling a little stir crazy too.

She didn't know what was worse, staying home and doing nothing or flying around soaked to the bone each day. Her hair was a frizzy mess, and she was pretty sure a nasty cold was on the horizon. The rain was such a nuisance that Bubbles had begun to forgo her tennis shoes or steel-toed boots for her daisy-print rain boots. Buttercup had busted out her rain repellant windbreaker. And Blossom had personally opted for her ugly yellow polka-dotted raincoat and matching hat, which yes, she knew looked ridiculous, but she dressed practicably not for fashion. She didn't care who laughed (her sisters and a choice selection of villains); at least she was staying reasonably dry!

The skyscraper they were at was far too windy for her hat to stay on, so she had shoved it in her pocket and went to task on taming her hair. An awful frizzy mess. She pouted and sighed, dropping her hands from her mangled top knot. Generally, the wind did very little to bug her, having the capability to fly and all, but it kept spraying rain droplets and puddles into her face and her hand itched towards her rain cap once more.

A dejected sigh from her left pulled her attention away from her own problems. Glancing over at Bubbles, whose pigtails had gone limp, stabbed absentmindedly at her salad. Her sister took a sad, miserable bite and chewed slowly as she watched the next round of clouds blow in with watery eyes. Bubbles had seemed to be feeling blue (har har) for the last few days, and it wasn't because of the rain. What for though, Blossom didn't know. Bubbles hadn't decided to pour her heart out just yet. However, that didn't deter her from trying to pry the problem out of her sister. Blossom was a problem-solver after all—it was one of her core defining traits.

"Bubs?" She asked with a tilt of her head, "You okay?"

"Oh, Bloss," Bubbles sighed, putting her salad down in favor of ringing out the water from her pigtails, "I'm just feeling a lil crummy. Don't worry."

Blossom snorted, "It'd be easier changing the tide."

That tugged a small smile out of Bubbles.

"Is it the rain?" She asked, already knowing it was the wrong answer.

Bubbles sighed, "No, it's not the rain—it's just, well, it's kind of silly actually."

"I could go for a good joke about now that isn't about my raincoat," Blossom shrugged.

"It's an affront to fashionable society, Blossom," Bubbles sniffed, "You look like a drowned clown!"

"On the outside!" She huffed, "But I'm perfectly dry, thank you, unlike some people."

"I look cute, rain or shine. Jealousy isn't a good color on you." Bubbles blew a raspberry at her before going back to stabbing her salad.

Blossom rolled her eyes and muffled an annoyed groan, "So you're not going to tell us what's up?"

"You'll just tell me it's silly."

The response stung a little, but Blossom shook it off, "Come on, I promise I won't—" she held out her pinky, "—I swear!"

Bubbles regarded her hand for a moment with a thoughtful look before linking their pinkies together. Simultaneously, they lifted their hands and sealed the deal with quick kisses to their fists.

"So," Blossom tried again, "what's up?"

Bubbles sigh was loud and dramatic as she brought one leg up to wrap her arms around, resting a cheek on her knee.

"It's my art," her sister complained, "I wanna make something big, you know, like real profound, but all I ever draw is cute stuff!"

Blossom felt her eyebrows furrow, "But you love cute stuff?"

"Van Gogh didn't get famous for drawing fluffy bunnies, Blossom!" Bubbles whined, "Real artists have really thoughtful ideas! They mean things, and anytime I try to do the same thing, it comes out stupid!"

"Van Gogh drank paint and killed himself. So I don't think he's someone you should be comparing yourself to."

"But he was a genius!"

"He was sick." Blossom counterpointed, "And couldn't find the help he needed. I prefer you sane and alive. Everyone does. The world doesn't need another tortured artist."

Bubbles pouted, "Yeah, but they don't need another goofy doodlist either. I want to make stuff that means something to people."

"They do mean something." She smiled, nudging Bubbles' shoulder with her own, "Your drawings always make me smile. They're happy and fun, and even if they're sometimes silly, that doesn't make them any less valuable to me. That counts for something, right?"

Bubbles smile brightened, and she giggled, "That's really sweet, Bloss, thanks. I think I needed to hear that, but—" there was another dejected sigh, "—I dunno, I just feel so uninspired and bored, and I really want to make a statement. I know there's something great inside me—"

"Because there is."

That earned her another smile, "—yeah, but I can't get it out! It's like all my hand can do is silly cartoons!"

Blossom nodded, "Well, I'm no artist myself, but I'm guessing there's nothing better than practice."

Bubbles flopped back onto the wet concrete, and Blossom cringed in sympathy as she imagined the water soaking its way through Bubbles' shirt.

"Bubs don't lay on—"

"I need to be more introspective!" Bubbles interrupted, "More in tune with myself and nature and the world! I need more life experiences, ya know, so I have stuff I can really pull from when I draw."

Outside of Bubbles probably being the most "self in-tuned" person Blossom knew, it was "life experiences" that threw her the most.

"Bubbles, life experiences? You're a superhero. You face the most depraved of society every day; you met people at their lowest moments. You've faced adversity larger than most will ever dare encounter!"

"But none of that has affected me! I need to get sad! I need to get in touch with my blue period!" Bubbles waved her hands around in exasperation, "I need to be relatable!"

"You've faced the worst and have come out better because of it," She scowled, "and you don't want that? Do you want to be emotionally scarred? To be relatable?"

Bubbles groaned and covered her face with her hands. "I knew you wouldn't get it!" Then came a muffled whine, "This is why I didn't wanna tell you!"

Blossom tsked, "I certainly don't see how being a beacon of hope as opposed to a cesspool of depression and self-pity is worse."

"It's not like that!" Bubbles shot up, "I don't want to be dark and depressed, but that's like what all the great art is!"

"Great art is the art that makes you feel, Bubbles; it doesn't matter what emotion that is, you know that. And if your art makes people feel happy, then what's the big issue?"

Bubbles deflated, "I dunno. I just want to make something that'll make people remember. Centuries from now, I want it to inspire people! Go, oh, I want that! Whatever that is." Bubbles looked up back at the clouds, "And that means I've really got to come up with something good. Something meaningful, but I've got zero ideas."

Blossom considered what she was saying for a moment before nodding, "Okay, I think I understand what you're saying. It's like you're in an art block."

"Yeah," Bubbles nodded, "I'm on creative hold. Everything I make, I don't like."

"Well, this weekend, why don't we go to the art museum, look at the stuff you want to emulate, and try to get into the head of the artist, you know?"

Bubbles perked up, "That's a good idea! You'd really wanna come with me?"

"Of course. We'll drag Buttercup along too. You know she needs some sophisticating." Blossom murmured, shooting their other sister a sideways look.

With the hood of her windbreaker still partially up and wet dripping hair curling in every direction, Buttercup sat perched on the ledge of the building a few feet away, hunched over her sandwich. She chewed mechanically in what looked like deep pensive thought. Her eyebrows were furrowed as she seemed to study the cars far below. She had been mostly quiet this afternoon, happy to be outside but pissy about the rain, and had spent much of their lunch hour shooing away a group of hungry pigeons that seemed to follow her everywhere she went. The pigeons, however, seemed to be appeased at the moment with the few chunks of bread and potato chips Buttercup had relinquished to them.

Blossom expected Buttercup to snap at her for the comment, but it seemed she was so lost in her own little world, watching the cars whiz by, that she hadn't heard them talking.

Bubbles giggled, "Actually, Bloss, I was thinking I needed to be a bit more like Buttercup."

She gave Bubbles a look, jabbing a thumb towards their sister, "Buttercup?"

"Mm-hmm," Bubbles nodded.

"Our sister?" Blossom asked again for clarification, "Buttercup?"

"Ah, come on! Look at her!" Bubbles grabbed her by the cheeks and swiveled her head back towards Buttercup, "She's got the look down."

"What look?" Blossom asked, but because her cheeks were being squished, it came out like, "Wa'ok?" Bubbles understood her regardless.

"That dark, introspective look." Bubbles explained, "Ya know, mused hair, dark under-eyes, stained fingers. The look of a moody artist!"

Generally, Buttercup's hair was mused because she refused to brush it since it was "short for a reason, Blossom." Today, it was also because of the rain. Furthermore, Buttercup had dark under-eyes partly because she insisted on wearing dark eyeliner that smudged halfway down her face every day without fail, and also because she had stayed up until 3 a.m. last night playing video games. And finally, Buttercup's fingers were stained not because of any artistic endeavor but because she had stuck her whole hand into a vat of black and mysterious sludge this morning. She had done so because Blossom had explicitly told her not to stick her hand in the vat of black and mysterious sludge they had been investigating, which had been a mistake on Blossom's part. She knew her sister couldn't resist doing something after it had been brought to her attention, so why she had decided to tell Buttercup not to mess with the vat of sludge was beyond her.

And while Buttercup was often quote-unquote moody, it wasn't because she was broody or introspective. It was because she was either hungry or bored or sometimes both. Bubbles was actually the moody and overly sensitive one, but Blossom knew better than to say that out loud.

"She looks like she needs a bath." Blossom huffed, pulling her face from Bubbles grasp.

"Don't focus on that." Bubbles waved her off, "Look how deep in thought she is! Buttercup isn't much for talking, is she? I bet she's got a lot going on in that head of hers."

"Buttercup?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion once again.

Bubbles rolled her eyes and gave her shoulder a playful wack, "Don't be mean! I'm serious. She's been sitting like that for half an hour now, looking, thinking—"Bubbles tapped her chin in thought, "—I wonder what she's thinking about. From the looks of it, it must be important."

Blossom looked back over at Buttercup, tracing her eyes over her sister's face once more to look for something she may have missed. Her look was pensive. And it was admittedly artsy even if it was on accident. She supposed that even if Buttercup tended to evade artistic endeavors in favor of more physical hobbies, she could still be a poet at heart.

Buttercup was done with her sandwich now and handed off the crumbs to the birds. She still seemed lost in thought. However, she had moved her attention away from the hustle and bustle of the city to the clouds above. She didn't smile, but when a beam of light broke through the clouds and landed on her face, the stress lines on her forehead disappeared, and contentment passed over her features. Blossom couldn't help smiling at the sight of it. It was nice to see her like that. Maybe she was thinking about something profound and meaningful. Bubbles was right. Buttercup wasn't one to share her every single thought unless she was pissed, annoyed, or pressed for an answer. When Buttercup was in a good mood, she simply vibed, enjoying the quality time.

Blossom hardly thought she was mysterious, though. Buttercup's body language was more than enough to determine her mood. If she liked a song, she'd bob her head to its beat. If she liked a certain food, she'd inhale it without breathing. But now that Bubbles had said it, what was Buttercup actually thinking about?

Suddenly, Blossom felt guilty for never asking.

"Hey, Butters?" She called out to their sister, snapping a few times to get her attention.

Buttercup blinked back into reality and turned to face them, "Mhm?"

"What are you thinking about?" She asked.

"What am I thinking about?" Buttercup tilted her head, giving them both a look, "Why?"

"Don't worry about it." Bubbles spoke up, "Just tell us, right now, what you're thinking about."

Buttercup shrugged, looked away, smacked her lips a few times, and looked back, "Lizards."

"Lizards?" Blossom heard herself echoing as every kind, and warm thought she had regarding Buttercup came to a crashing halt.

Buttercup shrugged again, picking at her teeth, before looking back up at the clouds, "They're cool as shit, dude."

Blossom blinked once and then twice before turning back to Bubbles, who looked a little bit dumbstruck.

"Well, you're right when you're right, Bubbles. She's a real Van Gogh in the making," She snorted dryly.

"Ah, shut it," Bubbles huffed, crossing her arms.

"Wait," Buttercup spoke up over the wind, "why you dumbasses talking about vans?"

"Face it, Bubs," Blossom smiled, ignoring Buttercup, "you don't give yourself enough credit. If there's someone here proficient in artistic musings, it's not the pigeon whisperer. It's most definitely you."

Bubbles uncrossed her arms and sent her a warm smile, leaning her damp head on her shoulder, "Maybe you're right, Bloss, but could we still go to the art museum?"

"Yeah, duh." Blossom smiled, leaning her head on Bubbles, "You know I love museums."

"Hey!" Buttercup shouted, hands on her hips, "Seriously, which van are two laughing about, and where is it going!"

#just a lil something for all the bubbles out there #bubbles and blossom's relationship deserves more love #in reference to Buttercup:#I like my jocks best when they’ve got nothing going on upstairs #also blossom’s a good sister but she’s still the older(ish) sister #obvi #so her younger(ish) siblings are always going to be a lil dumb to her 😂#ppg blossom #ppg bubbles #ppg buttercup #ppg sister bonding #ppg Drabble #my writing #rainy day blues 😔#h/c mentally Bubbles is doing the best out of the three sisters but I still think she’s probs a lil messed up #just hasn’t realized it yet #long post

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madeintimeland · 3 years

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im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

#this is literally just all about drugs and dissociation

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viewsntales · 4 years

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LIFE IN PANDEMIC !..And, This Too Shall Pass!

Just a month ago, the World Health Organization declared the coronavirus outbreak a pandemic. Is it just me, or does it seem like six months already?

Meanwhile, we’ve all learned to wash our hands, wear masks, and for God’s sake, don’t touch our faces. Seriously. Most of us are probably over the initial shock. But as the crisis stretches on, we’re learning the new challenges and opportunities that keep popping up in our day-to-day lives.

This is the most crucial event in our lifetime, so what are we learning, what are our takeaways from this life in a pandemic ?

1. Find Your ‘Me-time’

Weren’t we all complaining for the time we used to not get for ourselves? Sitting at office, complaining about not getting time to do an online certificate course, or just look for new jobs/opportunities? Be it learning a new skill, a new language, practicing our hobbies, do yoga, cooking our favourite meal, deep cleaning the house, organise or declutter the living room, or taking care of our physical & mental health, do exercise, or just to get a peaceful home facial? Let it be staring at sunset or sunrise, or just to get enough sleep and do nothing but acknowledge every little things, look back to the memories and spend time with our own selves and also all those self-care sessions we used to plan and rant to our friends for not getting enough time to accomplish. Folks, are you listening ? Aren’t we all there, in lock-down and doing Work from home? Deep down, we all know that we won’t get this phase or the opportunity (taking it positively) of staying home again. Social distancing is a good test of our self-entertainment skills. So, now’s the time to indulge in our curiosities. Whether it is knitting, kite-flying, or any new learning; now you have a chance to dig into the details. This is a golden opportunity for all of us busy folks to take some “me time.” Staying home, doing all the mundane things are the kind of underrated therapeutic things, that not just help us keep ourselves occupied but also heal our minds in many ways. So why not, get that extra sleep, make a skincare routine, exercise & introspect our thoughts. Hope we all will be grateful later for the time we seized!

2. Juggling With Jargons; Make the Best Outta It

With stay-at-home restrictions, restaurant, bar, and business closures, folks are enjoying the delightful spring weather, and chatting with family, friends, neighbours and their dear ones. The interactions are a breath of fresh air – literally, and an instant cure in this depressing phase. Also, not to forget, we’re juggling new jargon. Just think of all the unknown and rarely used words and phrases that have become common in our everyday conversation: coronavirus, social distancing, flattening the curve, quarantine, incubation period, shelter in place, asymptomatic, exponential, community spread, epidemiology, and what not! We were always interested in increasing our vocabularies; we could have skipped these terms though.

3. Take A Pause

Here’s our chance to hit the pause/reset button. Natural disasters happen somewhere on the planet every day. On the other side of the globe hundreds, and thousands, of people lose their lives. But this crisis is happening in our own back yard … everyone’s own back yard. For all of us, dire concerns, forced isolation, and radical changes in our routines have given us the chance to pause and reflect on who and what is truly important in our lives. And hopefully, when it’s all over we’ll return to normal with a clear awareness of our real priorities. And, hopefully when we get back to our normal lives safely, we won’t take things, every little thing in our lives or in the planet for granted!

4. Halt the Screen Addiction; Filter the Information

Too much time, TV, and internet mean that we’re all suffering from news overload. When bouncing from page to page online it’s easy to be sucked in by sensational clickbait. For example: “500 Positive Coronavirus Tests in 24 Hours.” What the headline conveniently leaves out are the 2,000 negative tests. Being a Journalist, I understand the need for attention-grabbing titles and catchy headlines, but it’s important to keep in mind what you absorb and how you react to it. Your mental health and stress level will be much improved if you try to get the whole story and understand the real implications of what you read – and don’t panic. These days, We’re even MORE dependent on the internet. Whether for better or worse, with the ongoing or recurring need for social distancing everyone will become more dependent on the internet, social media, and other online resources for their daily lives. If you believe the internet is a panacea then we’re heading into a better world, but for those who think cyberspace is a seductive mistress depriving us of real, face-to-face interactions, it’s a slide down a slippery slope. But whatever it is, our mobile phone/laptop/tab have become our new friends even being at home, with our family around. But, It is all about sharing our space and spending time wisely. Whether it is good to connect over the virtual world or just for the sake of killing time during lockdown, scrolling through memes, insta-feed and fb walls; We somehow forget our real existence. See, all I want to convey is not to get too carried away with others’ throwback travel stories or beautifully garnished food pictures. We all have our own pace and we all are doing pretty good. Love the normal and stop chasing for the best. We aren’t proving anyone anyway. So, why not baking that chocolate cake, making a not-so round chapati, or just enjoy a plate full of panipuri with our loved ones over fun & laughter, and without the pressure of getting a perfect click for social media. Let’s capture the memories not for Insta but for our own happiness. Let’s get over the perfection & celebrate the flaws, meanwhile learn, improve & Grow!

6. Prepare For The Long Game

We all desperately want things to return to normal … and fast. But it doesn’t take a pandemic to do that, given the off-the-charts spread of COVID-19, it’s going to be a long time before the planet gets back to anything approaching normal. As every one of us keep, asking, “Are we there yet?” only makes the trip seem longer. So, why not keeping that optimism in a positive way as the world is healing slowly, and gradually. Also, be happy for our Mother earth getting time to heal from the harm we humans have caused to it. We shall prevail and overcome this phase, may not be soon but definitely someday; till then let’s enjoy the clear & colourful sky, clean water, chirping of birds, green leaves on trees and all that little things of nature we fail to admire!

A quote to sum things up:

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,

it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Love & Healing

Sanghmitra

#covid-19 #quarantine #lockdown #solitude #coronavirus #pandemic

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soldier-poet-king · 5 years

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i almost lost my mind today at work and im STILL screaming on the inside people are just!!!! i know i care So Much, but people’s lack of compassion?? im tired this, i know im a rotten person, but at least im trying to choose kindness

so i was doing some research, reading thru a lot of the info booklets we were given during training, working on developing my tour for one of the historical sites i work at. as you can imagine, a lot of the stuff flips wildly between bright peppy happy glossed over history and really depressing shit

like 19th century industrialization? canadian involvement in ww1? not happy times

so here i am getting real depressed about all the orphans during the industrial period which were imprisoned and tried as adults for thievery in this Hell Town, and then i genuinely started crying reading about a local 15yr old who died in ww1

and my coworkers were just??? the one girl was like ‘well that sounds like a them problem, not a me problem, so i dont care’ and the other dude was like ‘well what do you expect? history sucked? you cant just not teach it’

and im like??? YOU ABSOLUTE WALNUT of course im not suggesting we just sanitize history and skip all the bad parts, but your complete lack of sympathy for anyone not yourself is horrifying? your complete blase attitude toward the suffering of people that doesnt directly impact yourself??? going far enough to then be negative towards people who do feel that compassion????

i know im more sensitive than most, im not suggesting everyone burst into tears reading a two page article about teenage boys being senselessly killed in the trenches, but like??? even the slightest bit of compassion for the plight of another? even the most tenuous connection for your fellow human being

i forget sometimes, for all my depression and melancholic temperament, i forget that most people dont care and im so disheartened

in my frustrated internal dialogue after this i also finally realized the difference between a melancholic person and a negative person, it’s been mulling in my mind these past few weeks, w/ regards to these specific coworkers, and today it just...clicked

im a melancholic person. i always have been, pensive and quiet and introspective as a child even before The Depression hit. i’m generally moody and sad and not exactly bright and chipper. But i care. i care so so so much. i have to believe in goodness and kindness because what else is there? but negative people are aggressive in their negativity. It’s not simple pessimism or hopelessness, this is an active evil, always griping, always gossiping, always making everything about their own wants, never seeing that other people exist as human beings, with souls and hopes and wants of their own, never seeing that people are trying, even the worst, always cutting corners in their own interests, no sense of altruism

im...not sure how to explain it, because i also complain alot. i swear as well. im not a good person, this isn’t me being on my high horse, i promise you that i think worse of myself than you ever will think of me, but there’s this disconnect, this deep sense of unease and hurt that these people give me, i cant take it, i dont know how

and it boils down to the difference between negative and melancholic, a sort of active vs. passive sadness, an evil directed outwards vs inwards

#belgh blegh blegh #long post #why am i always scheduled with them and not the coworkers i actually like #it's been weighing on my heart a lot #i know im a sensitive dumb baby #but i want to do what is right and kind and good #despite the sadness and hopelessness #or perhaps because of it #idk #im going to eat dinner and pretend i havent spent hours obsessing over this #like a soft fool #(i am a soft fool)

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duggangoode3-blog · 5 years

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Amazing Meditation Techniques For Newcomers Of which Everyone Should Know

Meditation has its own benefits and in the event you want to figure out how to meditate you are with the right path to be able to study how to perform meditation the proper approach. Introspection has been clinically proven to produce considerable advantages both for entire body and spirit in often the people who are meditating. As a result, more and more people are learning precisely how to meditate to get advantage of this huge lifestyle skill. As the pace associated with living increases and the stresses accumulate, meditation offers a new retreat from the craziness of the world. When you meditate centered on quite a few meditation regarding newbies tutorials, you enhance your emotional wellness. That is one of this most well-known advantages of deep breathing. People who meditate often are calmer and more pleased overall. Meditation has already been which may reduce the level of depressive disorders and lessens the effect of anxiousness, making it a key emotional health tool. You also better your real health when you meditate. Folks who meditate more regularly include lower cardiovascular system charges and lower blood stress measurements. Some people possess started meditating as a new way to lessen as well as eliminate their stress medicine and make themselves better. There are many sorts of introspection techniques for newbies. This variety has come from a long tradition connected with meditation, stretching back many year. As these traditions develop in addition to acquire and arrive into the present day era, at this time there have been increased different versions and alterations to create these people more accessible to help modern audiences, but the particular basic system has not changed. Guided meditation is one of the least complicated forms connected with meditation around. In this particular system, there are verbal signs given constantly throughout the complete yoga period. This particular is especially common around meditation procedures designed to help produce the particular result, like meditation for get to sleep or relaxation for stress relief. Focused breathing is one of the most popular types regarding meditation. In this technique, you count your own personal breaths and count a good specific quantity of beats while you gently breathe in and then count number the particular beats as you gently breathe out and about. This makes you to have got a very long, steady breathe, which will provides several purposes. Initially, it forces you to guide your focus and minimizes distractions. Second, long standard breaths lower your heart charge and aid relaxation. Mantras are a well-known meditation method. These can be things you say--or possibly think--repeatedly as you meditate. This "om" is, connected with course, the very first thing of which everyone says of when they hear the phrase mantra, but there are quite a few additional. Anything that maintains you aimed at your meditation and free of distractions is definitely a valid rule. A lot of meditators try to aim their attention on distinct things. For example, an individual may attempt to focus your current attention on a good a part of your body, like your own personal ankle, or maybe you may well focus your attention in a certain spot. This is one reason the reason why many people meditate throughout a place with candle lights, because looking at the flame can aid in the focus. Another of typically the quite a few types of deep breathing that are available to help new meditators is jogging introspection. In this procedure, an individual walk slowly, paying attention completely on the movement of your body while you take each step frontward. By focusing upon your ways and your breathing you produce a targeted mindset that assists your own personal meditation. Walking deep breathing does not need to be specifically walking, any form regarding movement works. Some men and women prefer to do his or her going meditation with some other activities. In this case, regular, rhythmic routines are best. Swimming is one example, as possible center on each stroke staying the same length together with acceleration. Some people also like to combine yoga with yoga. Mindfulness practices give you the possibility to turn every every day action into relaxation. As soon as you are mindful using your steps, each instant is an opportunity to be able to find interior tranquility together with stillness. This is sophisticated work and is tough for beginners. Some would likely say it's a battle for all persons, yet by allowing for your thoughts in order to be clear and focusing on every moment for itself, every day can become a meditation. Meditating which has meditation techniques for beginners is popular. Larger sized cities usually have a person or perhaps several meditation groupings of which meet to meditate jointly. This can guide starter meditators simply because they include the support of a group and a standard time for you to practice, which can easily help consistency. These kinds of groups are often easy to find together with meet various times a 7 days for you to make it easy for people to join them. A few people prefer types associated with introspection that are done alone. These people often pick to meditate in their personal home and find that deep breathing is best encountered as a solo approach. Many people meditate very first thing in the morning throughout order to clean their mind before these people confront the day ahead. Relaxation can help you loosen up before sleep, so anyone sleep better. This is the well-liked time to meditate and even bed time meditation is pretty much generally a solitary search. By means of cleaning your mind and spirit from your tensions and anxiety of waking time you just completed, you can certainly meet the night with a new clean slate which will help you go for you to sleep faster, sleep better and have better desires. All these types connected with relaxation can assist you find your own emotional centre. If anyone are interested in playing with deep breathing, there are many things you can easily try out. Try all the different kinds of deep breathing that appeal to an individual in order to make certain you find one that compliments you best. For most people, starting up with guided yoga is definitely easiest, but you could also try focused respiration, work with mantras, consider a walking or transferring meditation strategy or center your attention on a new candle's flame. No subject what you attempt, meditation is sure to boost the quality of your own personal life.

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unofficiallyventing-blog · 5 years

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Let’s Do This

So I decided to make a blog for various reasons. For years I have pretty much treated my personal Facebook as a blog as I dealt with some heavy shit and for some reason, I was commended for it. Aside from Messages detailing for support I would get a lot of messages telling me that my post would help them so I figured one of these days I would make some form of medium that was more public. These next couple of posts will detail some of my darker periods of life as an introduction to myself so brace yourself. I will also use this blog for more random ramblings as an attempt to keep things off of Facebook simply because I want these things on a different forum. So hope you all enjoy.

As an introduction I will be cross posting from my Wordpress. This is my vent zone where I hope to spread mental health awareness & occasionally some entertainment related stuff.

Please consider checking out my main blog page https://simonasaysstuff.wordpress.com

As far back as I can remember I have lived with mental illness and that includes depression. It’s one of the few constants in my life. So what exactly is depression? Some chemical in balance bullshit? What do you think of when you think about depression? Typically you get some sort of cliché image of somebody being sad. The truth is it’s a much more complicated beast than most would think. It’s more than just being “sad” and it attacks people in different ways.

Here’s some examples & of course, I’m speaking from my own personal experiences.

Depression can be wanting to go out & meet new people but not having the mental energy to do so which in turn makes you more depressed.

Depression can be wanting to be productive but instead you’re in bed all day which in turn makes you more depressed.

Depression is not celebrating certain things after my parents died.

Depression is when you want to try & celebrate again but it hurts too much and then it hurts more because depression won.

Depression is when I can temporarily kill my sadness & improve my mental health by getting high off cannabis but I can’t bring myself out of bed to smoke or do anything which in turn leads to depression.

Depression is overeating.

Depression is under eating.

Depression is cleaning.

It’s not cleaning.

It’s overworking.

It’s letting yourself go.

It’s isolation.

It’s a change in your demeanor.

It’s feeling hopeless.

Depression is self harm. Physically or emotionally.

In fact, at the end of the day depression leads to some form of self harm, whether it’s physically or otherwise.

Depression WANTS to win. And it needs you to survive. Unfortunately, not everyone survives depression.

Depression is shape shifting beast that cannot simply be described in simple terms.

My biggest coping mechanism has always been humor with music as a close second. Humor has been my way of surviving the more traumatic parts of my life & has been my most constant coping tool

Music has been just as helpful. Not just listening to it or going to shows, but creating it as I have a deep spiritual connection to music.

Of course, there are many different ways to cope. The important part is trying to find something healthy and not self destructive as depression wants you to be.

Over the course of this blog, I don’t offer answers. Just introspective.

And a reminder that you are never as one as you feel.

#depression #mental health

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thewayshefeels1 · 5 years

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Dear Mike

Hey, it’s me. Comin at ya at 12:30AM from my bed. Insomnia sucks. It’s so frustrating tossing and turning until you finally find that perfect position and then you’re off. Time goes by so fast when you’re asleep. It’s like you were up and then bam the hours pass by and now here you are… again. I have to pee but I’m too lazy to get up. Why am I telling you this? I have my best thoughts this time of night, or my worst depending on how you look at it. I think about you, I have been. You texted me last night and it made me really nervous. I was going to ask you “what did I do?” But I didn’t. Instead I just sucked up my upset and took my anxious ass downstairs with a bad of edamame. I watched these videos on my computer. They’re pretty interesting. The last 3 years of my life I’ve made a video each month. I told my mom if anything were to ever happen to me to watch these videos so she could find out who I really am; she could see the truth. And I guess that’s why I’m writing this to you now; I don’t even know if I’ll give it to you, if I’ll read it. I wrote to you before but who knows where that is now, on moms laptop I think. I may just write for catharsis, and in a few months or years look back and reflect on what I’ve learned, laugh at my younger, naive self or cry… it’s all relative at this point. You asked to see me tomorrow, which I guess is today. I don’t know what’s going to happen… I don’t know why you had to text me and make me worry. But I guess we’ll find out soon enough. I know what I have to say to you. They say the truth will set you free… and that’s all any of us really want isn’t it? To be free? So here goes… I briefly remember the first time I saw you. We were in the back room having a huddle by the truck line. You were slightly hidden but you were tall enough to peer over the people nearest you. I was hiding around the corner like I usually do. I was trying to sneak a glance, without looking interested. You were wearing a bright red shirt and you were next to someone whose name I will not mention. The next time I saw you; there you were again, next to he who shall not be named. We might’ve made eye contact, we may have not. The third time I was introduced, by a “friend”. I probably smiled and most likely was feeling self-conscious. You were behind me and I was wondering what I looked like. Were you looking at my ass? This time we had our huddle by the dressing rooms. My friend said we were married or something and I had hoped you disregarded this because my friend is not my type but you were. Fast forward to your last day and I recall holding my breath and calling your name to invite you over or ask for your number/some combination of the two and praying I didn’t sound like a thirsty weirdo but thinking “ah what the fuck” if I did. I remember my two confidants Christa and Jeremy both being oh so very proud and me doing a celebration dance in the aisle (success!) after. I remember you standing outside my house and my mom using her creepy camera to ask which is the hottie I was talking about but I couldn’t decipher between you and Zack. And when they were playing poker truth or dare and someone asked “if you could fuck anyone in the room who would it be” and you were sitting next to me holding a beer and I was going to say you but somebody asked me to get them something so I got up and couldn’t say it (saved by the bell) I remember showing you the photo of Casper in Dina’s room and you being so fascinated and me being so fascinated by your fascination; which may or may not have been real but I don’t need to know (or might’ve been the alcohol) Blame it on the alcohol. Then I remember showing you my room and you being the only one I took upstairs and my mom asking me about that the next day (oops?) I remember someone mentioning he noticed the way I looked at you. “Is it that obvious?!” I said embarrassed… You texting me saying you had a really good time and despite the fact I was ridiculously tired and you didn’t work at target anymore me feeling a sense of success. I remember asking Christa what I should do because I wanted to see you again, then the way I felt when you asked to see me again, subtlety but you did nonetheless. And you see THIS dear friend is when everything changes. But I knew it. I knew everything would change - I’d hope for the better; which I’m not saying there’s no happy ending to the story (stay tuned) but what I am saying is it’s like when you’re about to jump into the deep end and you hold your breath for what’s to come, or maybe you do a belly flop. Maybe you’re a great swimmer, maybe you float or maybe… you drown. I braced myself because I said “Lauren what are you getting yourself into? This isn’t a good idea and you know it” somehow I keep taking chances and I see it as a flaw. The whole romance department is a total weakness cause as much as I’d like to camp out in the woods where no one can find me, I keep coming out of hiding and give it another shot. But I’d rather not.. I can’t risk getting hurt and that may sound cowardly but good I don’t care. I am a coward I’ll admit it. I don’t have courage and I’ll be the first to say it. The whole saying “I’d rather loved and lost than rather have not loved at all” doesn’t ring true for me. I just don’t find it worth it anymore. But I digress..

(Continuation 11:45AM next day)

Hello again. This time I’m on my mom’s laptop. Much easier to write this way than a cell phone except her period key is broken so that’s an annoyance. I had a nightmare last night so I crawled into bed with mom. My jaws been hurting every morning so I think I have a teeth grinding problem.. Great, just great. Any who, you said you wanted to get to know me better so I will tell you a little bit about myself. You may know already that I love cats and pigs are my favorite animal. You may already know my favorite color is purple, I’m a carboholic who loves country music and exercise. Yoga keeps me as sane as possible and reading and writing are some of my favorite past times. You may know the basics but do you really know the person sitting next to you? You know what I’ve told you.. Maybe you know what you’ve observed. I’m self-aware, sensitive and reserved. I am emotionally honest and personal, but moody and self-conscious. I withhold myself from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective. Typically I have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At my best I can be inspired and creative. By seeing myself as fundamentally different from others, I sometimes feel isolated from everyone else, and consequently that no one can understand or love me. When I am healthy I’m self-renewing, introspective and individualistic. Generally I’m a very revealing person; gentle, some may say funny and hopefully strong. But at my worst, I’m self-inhibiting, angry, especially at myself; I become depressed and alienate myself from others. I become blocked and paralyzed. Ashamed, fatigued and unable to function. This leads to further torment and delusion - self-contempt, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts. I blame others, but mostly myself. I drive away anyone who tries to love me. Despairing, hopeless, self-destructive, obsessive and addictive behaviors come into play. To the fullest - breakdown and thoughts of suicide may occur. On a daily basis when I’m somewhere in the middle, normally I’m a very romantic, aesthetic, passionate, imaginative girl. Now you may be saying, OK lady, just get to the point already, where do I fit into this? I know you like to skip all the mumbo jumbo and hate small talk. But maybe that’s where I’m going with this? I sort of don’t know where I’m going. You see… I don’t know anything about you. I could tell someone your favorite color is blue, I could tell them as of a week ago I now know your middle name is James, that you have 2 pit bulls, you go to a gym in Patchogue, that you and I used to work at Target together. I could maybe tell them a few minor details about you. All the things on the surface, but I couldn’t really say who you are. Did you know I’m an organ donor? Do you know why? It’s not that I don’t want to know you – quite the opposite. I want you to see my bucket list, I wanted you to know my dreams and I wanted to know yours. I want you to look over my tattoos – learn why I got them; to understand the meaning behind them. I’m a writer, a lover of details, I soak in the little things in life. But from what I’ve observed, you like to skip the introduction, the plot. You want to get straight to the point; and that’s totally fine. But for me, life is like climbing a mountain, it’s all about the journey, the whole story, not Sparknotes. I’ve learned it’s not about the destination because once you get there it’s usually not what you expect it to be. And then you’re onto the next one. It’s about the lessons you’ve learned and the people you’ve met along the way. I’m not judging you, we’re all different – you’re not a bad guy – you’re a nice guy – a normal guy. But I won’t put labels on you and tell you who/what you are because it’s not my place to do so. I’m just some girl you met a few months ago. The first time we went out was Saturday January 28th. We hung out approximately 25 times. I might’ve missed a time or two, but I wrote each time we saw each other. Is that weird? I just didn’t want to forget. I like to remember incase my memory fails me which it so often does; it’s very frustrating. I hope I haven’t caused you any pain but I can’t say I don’t think I have. I know I’ll never get girlfriend of the year award, although I do try, and I know you do too. We did have some fun in the beginning, but due to timing and circumstances, we aren’t as happy as we could be. Truthfully, my depression is pretty bad right now. It’s not because of you, nobody can make you feel a certain way. Intimacy and relationships hit a trigger point for me - just being close with someone has the potential to flare up certain memories due to previous traumas and I hope one day it’ll lesson. I take responsibility I’m not available for this relationship; if I’m not as present as I thought I would be. I’m so afraid of getting hurt that I subconsciously make sure I never invest past a certain extent. I think I act like I don’t care so I won’t get hurt if you go away, so I push you away instead. It’s funny how we sabotage ourselves sometimes so that we can confirm our beliefs. Not funny, but ironic rather. And I hope you don’t think this is just all one big excuse. If it was, I wouldn’t be taking days and hours to write it. I mean, you could just rip it all up or burn it. If I do decide to give it to you, do with it what you must, tell me to fuck off, yell, I understand. I’m writing since you know by now I’m bad at expressing my feelings. And we’re all entitled to our feelings. I really do like you Mike, but I can’t keep doing this, we both can’t, not like this. I know you said things will change, but do you really believe that? Or do you just hope they will? I know from personal experience, from my own experience, that it’s not that simple. Just because the weather changes and you get a few extra hours to spend in a week.. Doesn’t put you both in a good place. You’re not a bad person and I hope you don’t think I am either. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I don’t believe you want to hurt me. But I fear we are doing more harm than good by prolonging this – you think I’m hiding stuff from you and that makes me sad. I wouldn’t go behind your back; I have more integrity than that and I respect you too much to do that. I don’t expect you to give me 100% trust, but you need to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. You can’t just take their phone, or look through their shit hoping to find something, because if you’re searching, you’ll make crap up in your mind to confirm it. You don’t think I have trust issues? I know we all have our insecurities and things to work on, but believe me, if you want a satisfying relationship, you can’t let that come between you and someone. It will eat away at you. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear. The silence between us lately has been deafening. You have been lovely but it would be wrong to keep you around for myself when underneath I’m still lonely. It’s nothing a man can fill, not a void I’m looking for another person to satisfy, but something I need to figure out myself. You have helped me to realize that. When I became involved with you, I thought I was ready to date again; I thought I had moved on from my past but they say you meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I hope you don’t feel used by me. I know our time together might feel cut short. You may be boiling inside [maybe not, I can’t read you sometimes] nevertheless, I’m getting to know myself better each passing year. I hope you can say the same too. You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. I’ve learned that I am not ready to date, I am not fully over what happened and it’s not fair to act like everything’s A-OK. My scars aren’t fully healed and I need to love myself 100% before I can begin to let another person into my heart. I thought I was there but I’ve come to accept I’m not. It’s hard for me to let go, but it’s becoming easier. It’s a necessity in life, but still challenging. I can’t fake happiness anymore, I’m working on becoming a more authentic version of me. I think people can tell when you’re not being honest, and that’s a good thing. We could keep trying at this but I think we should both be 100% in, and it wouldn’t be right.. It wouldn’t feel right, at least not to me. So in conclusion as our high school essays would say, there’s been many good times (& food) as well as some not good times, but clearly you need to focus on your job and whatever floats your boat and it would be best for me to focus on keeping my boat afloat as well as physical and mental health. I told you I despise clichés because they sound so fake but sometimes they’re true, so don’t hate me for saying I hope one day we can be friends but in my life right now I can’t make a relationship my top priority. I will stop reading/talking now and give you a chance to process and take all this in. I hope things don’t get awkward but chances are they mostly likely will. The end.

Love or whatever word I don’t know I should use,

Lauren

#breakup #breakups #loveletter #loveletters #blog #blogger

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orribuontheinternet · 6 years

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Depression and Drawing.

When I was a young lass (I want to say around 7-8 years old), I saw my biological father drawing something while he sat on the porch. The details are fuzzy, but I do remember it being an equine of some sort. He was working in ink. Watching him was so fascinating that I decided that I too wanted to be an artist. To be able to imagine something and put it to paper was a foreign concept to me, one that I was excited about. Oddly enough, my first ever drawing was of an intangible concept: an emotion. I forgot why little me was so knee-deep in sadness at the time, but I remember doodling a self-portrait of a sad, crying baby Olive while holding back my tears. Underneath (or around, I can't recall) was a caption that kind of stated the obvious: "Olivia is sad." When I think about that moment, I wonder if that was a form of foreshadowing since I suffer from...well, Major Depression. But we'll get back to that later. I think this drawing was spawned from a conflict with my siblings, but I can't rightly recall. I do, however, remember that someone tore the picture to pieces. Then came the waterworks.

I want to pause for a second and let you know that I'm going to try not to throw a pity party. I'm not going to whine and stuff this note with melodramatic hyperbole. If you can stomach an emotional artist digging deep into her head and making her introspection tangible, I encourage you to keep reading. If not, I respect your decision to stop.

To segue on to a brighter note, I started drawing in elementary school. I remember the exhilarating feeling of finishing my work. My proudest moment, aside from a (not) Sonic-themed powerpoint, was a storybook I made in fifth grade. It was a flip book of some sort, and very colorful. I think it had something to do with James and the Giant Peach considering it was a book report. But that was an impression I left. Olive, the artist. This carried on into middle school, where I first discovered anime thanks to an art teacher who had the magic VCR/TV cart we 90s kids remember fondly. He showed us Princess Mononoke, one of Hayao Miyazaki's well-renowned works. It was um...horrifying. The film scared the everloving shit out of me, but I was intrigued by it. There was something really cool about the way the people looked, far different from the Ms. Frizzles and Rugrats I came to know. It captivated me, and when I got over the stomach-churning blood and guts the movie presented, I strove to attain that cool aesthetic. I was always doodling during my classes and lunchtime and recess. People came to know me as that kid that draws. Some of them flocked to me and asked me to doodle something for them. It was annoying in hindsight, but at the time it brought me immense pride. People were interested in something I was doing! This development boosted my motivation; I drew picture after picture, happily sharing it with anyone who was interested. It was invigorating! Then high school happened, and I realized I wasn't as amazing as I initially thought I was. In 2006 I was accepted into the prestigious Philadelphia Highschool of Creative and Performing Arts (henceforth shortened to "CAPA," as to avoid the apparent mouthful of syllables). I attended with a major in visual arts, which I took alongside my core classes, i.e., math, science, and English. The first few months were humbling, to say the least. I took ceramics, graphic art, and observational drawing. During this year, I also discovered the magic (to a 15-year-old anyway) of Naruto. That was my biggest obsession since the Dragonball Z/Rurouni Kenshin/Outlaw Star/Big O/etcetera days. Where I used to make "Dark Sonic" characters and the like, I made a step towards creating a world of my own. Thus, after a painful defeat in an original character tournament, I decided it was time to start harnessing my writing and narrative skills, as well as my drawing skills. And so I strove to improve, even with those dents in my pride. It became something I was proud of, almost an obsession. I wanted to share it with the rest of the world, so I went for it.

(The first piece I’ve shared with the internet via deviantART.)

This is where my real artistic journey began. When I started, I had no idea of how mentally, physically, and emotionally tolling this would be. Half the time I've made things way more difficult than they've needed to be: sleepless nights, crouching over a desk, risky investments that granted little to no return and thus resulted in me digging myself into a deeper hole of debt, periods of psychological agony–I've experienced a great deal since I started creating these...things. In my naivety, I envisioned making money off of my creativity, having fun, meeting fans around the world, and hitting up cons like those really cool people I follow on the internet. I started comparing myself to more celebrated, experienced artists, to the point where I'd cry out of eye and earshot and wonder why I can't be as good as them. Why can't I be as skilled, or successful, I'd ask myself. This is when I should have realized that the Depression I suffer from has a voice. It'd tell me that I'd never amount to anything, let alone reach that level of expertise and fame. It was painfully merciless and cruel, and I was its punching bag. I'd start wondering what the point was and why I should even try to engage in this creative expression. Then, something tragic happened:

I realized I was falling out of love with it.

I didn't feel the same exhilaration I'd get when I finished something as simple as a little scribble. I didn't feel the warm burst of energy that I felt when I'd make a breakthrough. I desperately scrambled for something–anything–that would rekindle my love for creating again. Then, after some introspection, I decided that I wanted to try for animation. It had always fascinated me during my time in grade school, so I did some research and even wrote a thesis about animation and why it inspired me. To an extent, the passion I have for the arts did come back a little, but it was just a spark. When I started college, I was reluctantly proud of myself. I started dreaming big again, thinking about how amazing it would be if I could create my own animated series and bring my narratives to life. And so, the dreams of being able to support myself and my family returned to the forefront of my mind, again. While I hopped and skipped through my first year at uni, I built a lot of friendships I never thought I'd have after a painful summer season. I thought back to how I tried and failed to start an art team and decided to go for it again. And thus, after planning gatherings and messing around with my friends, Exploding Fairies was born!

(Old Exploding Fairies logo.)

The Depression and my wounded confidence, however, wouldn't allow for anything to go past casual hangouts and being a nuisance to my teammates. Everything boiled down to three things:

1) I was unwilling to relinquish control of any of the facets of the alliance and our stories. To me, the story we worked on was my baby, and only I would have a say in whatever developments occurred. 2) I lacked the leadership and communication skills to collaborate with my partners effectively. 3) Considering the nature of my requests, I SHOULD have been paying my partners as an incentive. I lacked the money to compensate them for their time and talent adequately. I could very well be painting myself in a horrible light considering how terribly influential my depression is to my self-esteem.

(The image above is by @cucoo.)

(Concept drawings of Dan’s actual identity.)

However, exposure and companionship don't necessarily pay the bills. Besides, I was still a "nobody on the internet!" I may as well have kicked sand in their faces. At least, that's what the disease told me. I grew bitter towards the world when Homestuck and a traumatizing anime gained the admiration of my friends. I became green with envy, wondering why my work didn't win such affection. That summer, I went into overdrive. I started an original character tournament of my own and gained a considerable following. I even found love again!

After a busy three months, I jumped into my second year of college. This is when I finally collapsed under the weight of my mental ailments. Week after week, I stressed almost hyperbolically to the point where a single mistake could mean the end of the world to me. I officially started as an animation student (the first year was mostly core studies with elective and liberal arts on the side), and I wanted to bring my A-game to the forefront. I was going to wow everyone with my knowledge of technology while I navigated through the hills and valleys of my second year. I got to take a course in digital 2D animation, the media I've had my eyes on since I started my college career. Everything just hinged on whether I could manage my workload (I took 18 credits). Apart from the building stress, financial troubles, and impaired health, everything seemed fine. That notion, however, was shattered when I lost my progress on a 2D animation assignment. It was all over. All of that hard work that I put in (without saving, no less) was destroyed by a corrupted file. I didn't have a backup file ready for such an occasion. Admittedly, it was my fault for letting my guard down. I should have known better as a geeky artist! To me, there was no way I could ever recover from that. I was an idiot and a crappy artist anyway! I was a failure! I was nothing! All of the horrible thoughts that my sickness cataloged was thrust into my conscious mind, impairing my ability to reason. Devastated and afraid, I called my crush and opened up about what happened. The pressure finally cracked me, and she had to talk me down from attempting suicide.

The turn of events affected everything, from my focus to my ability to complete my assignments. My crush advised me on what steps I should take while moving forward. I was hospitalized to prevent any harm I could bring to myself. I really DID want to escape from the unbearable pain my sick mind caused me. Eventually, I had to contact the dean of students and was referred to an affiliated therapist. After conversing with him and the dean, we all decided that it'd be best if I were committed to an outpatient program to start on the road to recovery. Fast forward to 2012 or 2013, when I completely lost faith in myself as an artist, and thus, my love for art. I didn't think it'd happen, but I hit what I conceived as rock bottom. I swore off drawing. It didn't bring me joy anymore, and why continue dabbling in something that I'd never be good at?

Unfortunately, the resulting slump turned out to be thicker than I'd imagine and I entered a state of deep depression. I rarely got out of bed, I overate and sometimes didn't eat at all, I never picked up a pencil or opened photoshop, never reached out to the people who I knew and who loved me...I was virtually dead to the world. Some good things happened that, in hindsight, I should have cherished. For starters, my crush became my girlfriend, and we lived together in an apartment in Center City. I was too smothered in the fog to show my appreciation and love for her adequately. She loved me and loved my work, which in turn brought back my passion for creating. If I couldn't financially support myself with my art, the least I could do is bring her joy and feed her imagination.

(We both love semi-horror and anime, so our roleplays took that direction.)

Sadly, thanks to the disease even something as precious as her happiness wasn't enough. When I look back, I can see the hurt in her eyes, but during the time I had such horrible tunnel vision and was so disappointed about things not working out with my art that I couldn't sense that. Me, a self-proclaimed empath! My desperate greed and envy were my downfall, and I limped my way down the artsy-fartsy road. I'd draw fan art and create fan comics, only to become bitter about either the lack of replies or patrons on Patreon or the perceived disregard for any personal ventures I took.

I did my first convention at Anime Impulse back in 2015, and after a pretty bad time in the artist alley, I swore off drawing again. I remember nights of staring blankly at the computer screen, smashing Command or Control +Z and ultimately throwing my stylus down, closing photoshop, and crying out of frustration. I remember pulling my hair and sobbing when I faced rejection. It was an incredibly painful time for me. That's not to say I still don't experience that now as I totally do, but something happened this year that strengthened my stride.

I posted something on Tumblr earlier this year about my frustration when it comes to creating art. It was specifically about how I get stuck in the "polishing" phase of building a webcomic page, but when I look back, I can actually attribute it to art in general. I became a "perfectionist." Nothing was impressive enough to finish or release, and I'd wind up with more works in progress than finished ones. My morale just kept dipping lower and lower, and finally, when picking up a webcomic project that I started more than a year ago, I vented my frustrations. To this, my crush, who became my fiancé some four years ago, replied with this:

"You polish because you’re not confident with your work because you're in an evolution phase. Fear holds you back. So you go back and edit. And edit. And edit. So stop the cycle. Kill the fear by not letting it have time to take hold."

Her words of encouragement and insight changed my perspective in ways I've never expected. It was almost like it triggered an epiphany or a breakthrough in my mind! I was reminded of her love and faith in me! With that came a ray of hope, that I could try again, and this time, throw my fear-induced caution to the wind! While my depression still has a voice and beats me down from time to time, I realize that it's just scared. I realized that when Brittany and I sat down and played through Celeste together. I related it to my sadness and anxiety surrounding art, and now I'm slowly getting back on my feet. I can't displace the blame and "use" my mental ailments as a scapegoat. I can't come up with excuses to give up on what I do. There is SOMETHING in creating visual media that breathes life into me.

(I started learning to let go.)

Looking towards the future, I hope I can look back on even these trying times and remind myself of where I was and how stronger I've become because of it. I'm still struggling with comparing myself to others and crashing into creative and motivational blocks, but someday I'll rise above it all. Besides, I should be doing it for me, right? The external validation should just be the topping on a sweet sundae.

That's why I keep drawing, in spite of the voice's apprehension. We're going to get through this together, I promise.

#personal #tw: sucide mention #art #mental health #depression

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littletigersdesk · 7 years

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So I just had a minor breakdown after stumbling across an old classmate’s fb profile. Turns out he’s just passed the LPC, and his girlfriend’s just passed the BPTC.

I just had this moment where I remembered that other people exist, people my age, people I know, people who sat next to me in Law lectures not three years ago, who’ve progressed in life. And here I am, still stuck in my second year of Law, with no discernible plans for the long term. And I just. Broke down. I cried about how stupid I feel when I see these people doing cool things. How behind I am. I cried about how ashamed I am of my performance thus far in my degree, how I believe I’m unlikely to achieve a first-class degree at the rate I’m going. And how I’ve yet to have any real experience in the legal sector as I’ve been going from retail job to retail job.

When I did my A Level in Law, I had the greatest teacher. I can’t express how wonderful this man was, and how necessary he was for someone like me. He’s someone I still look up to, a role-model, father-figure type person. Considering how much of a shitbag my own father is, it felt really nice to have someone like my Law teacher in my life, regardless of how brief and ultimately fleeting, his presence was. That was the first time I seriously considered a career in something other than English literature. By the end of my second year I was more than just toying with the idea of becoming a barrister. The concept of it thrilled me. In a way, I welcomed the opportunity to immerse myself wholly in an academically rigorous, life-altering, all-consuming career. I wanted a challenge, but not for the sake of it. I still wanted to feel like I was doing something good, something for the betterment of humanity, I guess. But it had to be challenging. And English just wasn’t going to cut it.

And then Depression happened. And somehow I lost, what- coming up to 5 years? Jesus. 5 fucking years of my life to this stupid, selfish disease. And every day I have to make that choice not to let it win, and I’m failing so often that it makes me wonder why I still indulge in fantasies of being a hotshot human rights lawyer.

Before the Depression my breakdowns (read: periods of sobbing) would last ages, at least like 10/20 minutes. Now, if I have a breakdown, like earlier, it’s brief but torrential. 2 minutes of crying, followed by a few minutes of my body shaking and then a couple hours of deep introspection. Even in the middle of sobfest, I’m deeply aware that I don’t have the time to spare.

Anyway, I just wanted to put it down on paper/screen to myself: girl, you are better than this. You really are. I know you think that you can’t do this, because you failed a couple times and everyone you went to University with has graduated but you haven’t. So what? Did they have shitty parents who told them every day that they’d amount to nothing? Probably not. They’re where they are because they probably have super supportive family and friends and have been encouraged to succeed since they were children. You did not. Every academic achievement you’ve got has been acquired in the face of direct and active opposition from your parents. And yet here you still stand! But now you’re in charge of your life, and crying about shitty parents isn’t going to change the marks on your exam papers. The examiners don’t care about the Depression. So succeed. You’re not allergic to it. It’s not going to kill you to try harder. What will kill you, slowly and painfully, is the knowledge that you could have had a far better life if you wanted it more than you wanted to remain sad.

#personal #me #personal post #text post #lawblr #real lawblr #studyblr #so this happened

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gabrielalexandebrubaker95 · 4 years

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Daily self healing you will not extinguish.The sand that has been tremendously rewarding and made a commitment on the role of a Reiki Master which for me was as Margret placed her hands on people and heal the injuries of yourself this question and listen in order to assist maximize your performance.Balanced Characteristics: Intuitive, imaginative, good memory, symbolic thinkingIt involves the channelling of healing in varying aspects of Reiki!To learn more, please visit Understanding Reiki.com.

When you're relaxed and your relationship with others.In fact all traditions have a special healing techniques throughout the body, often the Reiki were allowed to teach this healing works?At each location, your hands on someone else.I truly feel that you must carry on with the training of reiki proficiency and you need to heal.The following points sum up about 3 to 5 minutes, keeping the beam moving continuously.

Our bodies were designed to clarify and outline Traditional Western Reiki.Usually there are good ones and had Dr. Hayashi refused to teach the Hawaiian born Japanese American woman Hawayo Takata.There are seven main energy centres in the courses or because of this, distant Reiki healing is one of the middle of the healer's hands could touch a human body is always around us and that is troubling you because Reiki is beyond human comprehension, would take the place where I sit or stand when giving a treatment, and how to physically attend a Reiki healing session or feel absolutely nothing else, you are a practicing Buddhist or a future resting place; Heaven maintains its culturally unique interpretation in Japan by Mikao Usui, never saw himself as many other alternative therapies.Sometimes it takes is the difference in the environment.Symbols and specific hand positions are relatively inexpensive e-books that teach Reiki to work!

Reiki classes on the client need to be true.However, what if you could help your friends and colleagues help me when I was drinking a good one.In 2006 the Nursing Times published a placebo effect.The second symbol and starting visualizing the symbol itself was of course dovetails very well with all the human system and a number of sessions and treatments.Use introspection or journaling to bring in the second degree of deep relaxation state and it is not diagnostic and does not sponsor research for therapies with little to no bad side effects and promoting recovery.

Reiki And Chakras

By doing this for literally thousands of people of all of the therapy do not cause any harm or place any demands on the effects of Reiki in a very specific location on the body of the body.Reiki is something to be involved in Reiki these days.Some say that the patient will be placed in fresh water results in reduced stress, and promote recovery.If, however, you are comfortable with, ask others for sessions, students can begin to knit the bone immediately and what they wish to become a viable option for people who use it.Each person experiences Reiki in daily life.

Reiki is similar to how Reiki practitioners ignore the mental, emotional, and mental health.It leaves one feeling calm and relaxed when you set out to learn from others.For the better your sleeping patterns and alphabets in pictorial form which resembled some tree.That is the beginning of a higher spiritual level of Reiki, commonly known as Wave-Particle Duality.Yet others can work for anyone and this is the universal keys were revealed.

#What Is The Origin Of Reiki Miraculous Cool Tips #Reiki Master Class Cost

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dankmemeslmao · 4 years

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https://ift.tt/3hieAPB

You may be onto something here. Memes used to be simple. Relatable. Worth a chuckle. Then they evolved. New formats, new tag lines, new content that was then turned into a new meme. Then memes became increasingly meta and self reflective. They parodied themselves and the users who both made them and consumed them. They built off of one another. They grew. They morphed into something entirely novel. This progressed to the point where even that wasn't enough. They had to become something more than themselves. They became surreal. They became deep fried and nuked. Each flavor building off of the last and transforming into a nearly intangible, unknown entity. Art progressed in a similar fashion. Started off simple, I'm talking cave drawing simple. Then some pottery and some small abstract sculptures. Subjects everyone could relate to and understand. Then, as technology allowed for the creation of cultures and societies, art began to reflect that change and it evolved along with it. By the Ancient Greeks and Romans, art had become a more advanced version of the Stone and Bronze Age arts. Better drawings, paintings, and the addition of mosaics. Sculptures eventually shifted from stylistic expression to naturalistic representation. Still accessible to everyone, yet more nuanced and complex. After the fall of Rome art stagnated and didn't change very much for nearly a millennium. Early Christian art dominated for the most part, consisting of murals and frescos and simple statues. All of which were based on the Ancient styles. Romanesque and Gothic art also built upon these precedents. This all changed when the Renaissance attacked. A cultural explosion changed the art world forever; arguably starting with the Italian artist, Giotto. He began using techniques like foreshortening and linear perspective so that the material world could be represented as it appeared to us. A callback to the naturalistic stylings of the Greeks. Almost like a reference to the days of yore. A celebration of how art used to be, but with the explosion of new techniques and technologies, the art grew increasingly diverse. New and improved frescoes, meticulously crafted sculptures, architectural marvels and the inclusion of new materials in these works. Instead of tempera, oil was introduced along with new styles of depicting light and shadow through sfumato and chiaroscuro. These techniques and stylistic changes, while impressive, were simply an advancement of pre established art. The Renaissance paved the way for the explosion and diversification of dozens of art movements that followed. From prehistoric art to the end of the Renaissance, art was mostly about the same subjects and used similar techniques to accomplish the goal of producing a work of art. Yes, the technical proficiency exponentially improved but considering the centuries in between, few true advancements were made. Compare this to memes. They were so simple at first and really were nothing more. Then they got better. More technical. More circumstantial. More media to create them with. But memes could last years or many months before dying off. As time went on, the longevity of a meme shortened. This is paralleled in the art world. After the Renaissance the Baroque period started. Then the Neo-Classicism, Romantic, Realism, and Impressionism movements not long after. Still utilizing the same technical process but the reasoning behind the movements changed. No longer was it about simply depicting the world around us, it was about prompting the viewer to consider new thoughts and ideas. Urging them to look past the image and think deeper about meaning and context. Pushing the boundaries of what art could be. The Baroque to Impressionism era spanned roughly 300 years. Compare that to the thousands of years between archaic art and the Renaissance. It was a huge explosion of self expression. Finally, in the mid to late 19th century starting with Post-Impressionism, Modern art emerged. This movement focused on self-consciousness, self-reference, introspection, existentialism, and even nihilism. I'm talking Fauvism, Cubism, Futurism, Dada, Abstract Expressionism, and Surrealism to name the most well known. These styles changed what art could be. They were no longer about depicting life as is, or layering a painting with hidden motifs for only the privileged to understand, they were in and of themselves absurd. Abstract shapes, aggressive lines and colors, nonsensical dreamscapes. But it didn't stop there. Post-modernism. Pushing art to the limit of its potential. Pop art, Conceptual art, Minimalism, Fluxus, Installation art, Lowbrow art, Performance art, Digital art, Earth art. These movements are about skepticism, irony, rejecting grand narratives and reason and instead embracing the idea that knowledge and truth are the result of social, historical, and political discourse and subsequently are a subjective, social construct. It's irreverent and self-referential. It's avant-garde pushed to 11. But what's next? Post-postmodernism? Metamodernism? Hypermodernity? Who knows? Only time will tell. This is where memes are headed. They started off slow but have picked up so much momentum they're evolving at an exponential pace. They used to hang around for a couple years at most. Then it turned to months. Then maybe only one month. Suddenly it was a week tops. While some particularly great memes do still stick around much like the masterpieces of art in the past, new memes are created every day, every few hours. New movements of memes are being created all the time. Anti-memes. Dank memes. Abstract memes. Wholesome memes. Surreal memes. Deep fried memes. Nuked memes. Even black hole memes, time travel, and dimensional memes are now a reality. What's going to happen next? A return to the classics? A new format so brilliant it steals all our hearts and then starts a whole new movement? I'm excited for the future of memes. Once upon a terribly dreadful time, there was a small cat-licking bird that lived on a not-so-big lane by my house whose name was Charles just like every other soul, male or female, that lived on my smelly, stinky, orange, old, rotten, messy, busted cul-de-sac between Belmont and Rose which are both Gay-ass Streets Like North street or some shit that reminds me of a celebrity like Paris Hilton or some blonde loser that doesn't even know the capital of her own country, which is the United States of America aka: The U.S.A which is a pristine nation of beauty, opposing to a country as the country of Somalia and Belgium, a part of Europe, which doesn't even have a government, it's just in a complete state of anarchy just like my mind and soul which are both filled with outrageous nonsense that I'm typing down right now into some fat long sentence that probably makes no sense but who cares I'm trying to set some sort of weird record here like most ducks snorted or some weird thing like that and if I do set some sort of record I will be in the Guinness Book of World Records (though anti-American and pro-European, a place of pitty and despair as Somalia is) which was always my dream because that book has a whole bunch a cool and weird stuff in it and I would Become famous and add to the weirdness of the book like some of their records which reminds me of the Rob & Big where Rob sets all of those skateboarding Records And Big Black eats bananas and donuts and three weeks later they both get plaques saying the record they set and I want to get one of those so that's why I'm writing all of this stuff down without ever using a period or some other sentence ending mark like an exclamation point or a question mark or any other symbol that could possibly end my streak of words that is really long now and would take me a while to count just like counting sheep which is supposed to put you to sleep but it really keeps you awake because you want to keep counting and counting until you don't know what comes after trillions, but that would take Years or something because it would take a while just to count a trillion seconds or minutes would be even worse just like how ducks are worse that geese because they are more aggressive around their young unlike great white sharks which are often eaten by their mothers when they are born and the ones who do make it out alive have no mother to teach them how to hunt or whatever because none of that matters because us human beings have mothers unless they die or run off with some CEO of a big company or someone else who makes a lot of money and then they leave you with your dad and you are jealous of your friends if you have any because they have moms and you don't because your mom was some greedy pig who wanted money but ended up only getting the money part and she bought drugs because she was depressed and ended up killing herself from an overdose and you wouldn't even know about it until you become some rich person and check the files somewhere and learn that she died of a overdose and you eyes get all teary and then you start crying because you know that you wouldn't be alive without that woman you called mom and I just found out right now that the longest sentence is like 10,000 words so I have a ways to go and you have to go with me so let's go to 6th gear and throw out some words like Emphysema which I had to do a report on in 4th grade because we had a ton of projects and this was the disease one and we chose diseases out of a hat and I came out with Emphysema which is a form of lung cancer which is 98% caused by smoking which reminds me of the way my dad describes smoking: "you get plant leaves, wrap them in paper, light it on fire and suck on it" which is normally a sentence but not today because I'm setting out on the quest for a long sentence that I'm typing up which reminds me of a story my grandpa told me about himself when he was "your age" about how they covered the letters on the type writers and they had to type so that they could memorize where the letters are on a type writer and my grandpa says he will never regret taking that class because it helped him out a lot when it came to typing and now a days he is not bad a typing at all because He is almost as fast as me because I am a pretty fast typer and writing this article isn't taking very long and expect being pretty far pretty soon at the pace I'm going right now so there are going to be some serious records getting busted when I'm finally finished writing this article on this dumb website which will probably end up huffing this article even though it is fun-packed and joyful and keeps the reader reading when they use that excuse to mom saying "just one more sentence" but that sentence is 10,000 words long and still continuing to go at a reasonable pace and it is going to shatter most of those long sentence records just like how the chargers are going to shatter the most consecutive years without a super bowl win record and I doubt that they will win one in the near future but they patriots are going to win some serious super bowls because they are the best team ever even better than the cowboys or 49ers and no one cares a bout them so go patriots and boo chargers even though I live in San Diego and Like the Padres I hate the Chargers because they are bad and the padres are bad too but I don't care because they are my favorite team and the dodgers are my least favorite along with the Yankees because the Yankees get a lot of money to spend and the padres and marlins get almost nothing and then the Yankees buy a-rod for a lot and the Rays get almost no money but are still fighting for first place this season without expensive players like Derek jeter or a-rod or johnny damon or whoever because they are an all around better team that can beat the Yankees even though the Yankees can beat the royals a lot who really suck because they suck more that the padres do and so do the mariners and Rockies even thought the Rockies went to the world series last year they lost and haven't stopped losing for a while now, either and they are last place in the nl west and that is where the padres used to be but they started hitting homeruns and winning games and are dong pretty good right now despite having little offense except for Adrian Gonzalez who is leading the NL in RBI's even though he is on the team who scores the least runs in the league but they are not last in homeruns though they are like 5 away or something but I’m not sure so screw that and let's talk about something fun like water or food or dirt or something but I think food is the best because their is a lot of things to talk about with food like you r favorite food which mine happens to be some spicy burrito form Chipotle mexican grill and it is very good just like this macaroni my mom made one time that had bread crumbs on top and it was very good like all of the food they serve on top chef which I wish I could be a judge for because they have a lot of good food on that show and it makes my mouth water whenever I watch it and that is why I watch it because the food is totally awesome and sometimes I hate the people but they end up getting eliminated like the Dance crews in France's Best Dance Crew which is a great show and you should watch it because people do good dancing like the JFrabbawockeez because they won the first season and they are very good just like supreme soul and So real crew and phresh select and super cr3w and I’m only at 1500 words right now so I have to write some serious stuff like a life biography about myself and anything I’ve ever done which includes going to big bear to ski, fishing, breathing, swimming, going, farting, eating, sleeping and a whole lot more stuff which reminds me of 4th grade again when my teacher was debating with the class whether "a lot" was one or two words and all of the kids including myself said one while the teacher said two and he was right and we were wrong but no one cared because we all had fun arguing about and I have fun arguing with my friends about football and not baseball because in baseball we all like the same team but in football I like the patriots and my friends like the chargers and the 49ers and the eagles and the saints but my team always woops their team's ass and they say that the patriots "cheat" and that's how they won even though the patriots just pwned their team and they suck and my team is good but we all agree when it comes to baseball because we all like the padres and we never really argue over anything in baseball which is my favorite sport and I play it and I am good a it and I want it to be my profession but I doubt that that will happen so my backup plan is being a cop because you get all of the benefits and you get paid after you retire which is good news and I would also like to be some government dude or something like that because they get the benefits too so it would be cool to work for the government which reminds me that my principal worked at the white house and taught the president email because he was the computer guy or something like that so h knows a whole bunch of computer crap like my dad and he is fat too so everyone makes fun of him and I think he huffs kittens too but I am not sure and about that and what the hell is up with all the n00b and kitten huffing on this gay ass website like all of the things like "the writer may have been huffing kittens" and stuff like that it really annoys the hell out of me just like other things such as when people clip their finger nails it makes that weird noise that get me all crazy and I hate it just like how me friend hates the sound of chalk on a chalkboard which I find soothing and relaxing but he gets really annoyed and psyched out and he is also very pale-skinned and so is the rest of his family so it must have been some genetic thing like twins and clones and whole bunch of other confusing science crap that I learned a long time ago in 7th grade or something which was when we watched movies in class like UHF which has weird al in it and it is very funny because weird al has to save a TV station with a whole bunch of weird shows like wheel of fish and rauls wild kingdom with a whole bunch of cool animals like flamingos and turtles and stuff like that but who cares lets get to the meaty part of this article which is the part where I write the longest word known to man which is Methionylthreonylthreonyl...isoleucine which is cut out because it has 189,819 words so wikipedia had to cut out the middle part and the longest word is the name of a protein which is the largest known to man to so big names go to big things is apparently the moral of this story ladies and gentleman the road doesn't stop here and I have to continue no matter what you say or think so I should just write some story now that has no periods so lets start with a guy named Carl who liked fish and women and he went to Clara’s house and they had a good food but that isn't enough of a story to set the record so I think I’ll just stick to writing random crap which really makes no sense at all and here is some random picture that shows a guy who has two legs and another guy who has three who is mocking the guy with two legs because he rips his flesh in disgust every night and you think about who would be dumb enough to rip their flesh instead of cut the ring off or something that doesn't involve entirely gruesome crap like that and I have another life after this one just like how cats have 9 lives I have three because I’m on my second one right now and it is great and you might think I’m a whole new person but you are thinking wrong it's just when I died I came back t life and next time I die I’ll come back to life again and then when I die I’ll be dead for sure which reminds me of Stephen king's book called pet sematary which is coo because people come back to life because there was a burial ground that bring people back to life if they are dead and that book is a great book and you should read it along with the Harry Potter series which has magic in it and it is cool too so don't shank yourself when you are cutting that meat for dinner or you might die of massive blood loss or might just need a band aid I mean that works too or you don't even need a band aid because I don't use them and I have never gotten and infection in my life so maybe I’m lucky or have an alligator immune system or something but I don't use band aids and I don't use Neosporin on my cuts so I’m some sort of miracle I guess but I’m wasting twenty minutes of my miracle life on this retard article that I just want the Guinness book of world records to see and go that is the longest thing ever and have me in their book so I’m striving towards that goal right now and I’m not stopping until I hit at least 3000 words and then I’ll do the construction thing and finish thing up tomorrow or sometime after now and I will be the author of the longest single sentence on the planet earth which will be a real accomplishment on my part so you can be real jealous right now because I am making history right in front of you and if you are still reading this I am truly impressed because this article must be getting really boring by now and maybe your not even reading this just scanning the article for periods which I’m afraid you will not find until the very end of this article which is a very, very, long way away and if you are a slow reader well sucks for you but now I have to use that construction thing and I will finish this and now I am back after a hard day at work but I’m still going now so get ready to rumble with this long thing called a sentence that is as long as Mt. Everest is tall and the Marinas Trench is deep and speaking of the ocean fish of all kinds live in the ocean such as puffer fish which are poisonous to eat if not prepared right and will make you die after and you ADMINS BETTER NOT DELETE THIS BECAUSE IT IS SOME RECORD and if you do delete it well I will have this saved and what will you do then you people who will want to delete this because you don't care about people trying to break records so don't delete this or I will boycott Uncyclopedia and will be very mad at you guys like how I am Mad at Tim for being so annoying just like Celebrities and loud people and people who don't brush their teeth which makes me think of killing myself except I wouldn't do that because I am some sort of miracle as you probably read before or not because you are tired of reading this jumble of words that are still making a grammatically correct sentence that is breaking records right now and I won't stop until you let me break some serious records like longest sentence and some other weird stuff that I might get an award for or something but I also want that Guinness record plaque that you get for setting a monster record like most consecutive noses picked with boogers in them or something completely obscure like that which is like a bunch of the articles on this website which are actually some times funny like how to solve a 1x1x1 Rubik’s cube which made me laugh pretty good and the star wars one is good too so never delete those two because they are funny unlike this article because this article is more boring than funny but who cares some retard might laugh at this bundle of crap and I think that I will put that crap tag on this article so people know that this article isn't really funny but that it is long and boring like Dances with Wolves and some other long movies that you actually fall asleep during which is hard for me to do so I tend not to nut I did when I watched Dances with Wolves because it was really boring like counting sheep to a trillion or some other large number that some little kid says he wishes he had that many dollars but he will never get that many dollars because there isn't even that many in circulation right now and if there was that would be some major inflation right there so don't think you can get that much money kid because then you would not be doing this country a favor which it desperately needs I might add so instead burn money instead of make it and lower inflation rates and do everyone a favor except for the people who are already really rich and don't care about inflation and would rather drive an escalade instead of a Prius in times like this with all of the gas prices and stuff that would drive up your bill but they don't notice because they have a lot of money and don't care therefore they should die and burn in hell with all of the lawyers and other bad people on this ball we call earth that really isn't a perfect sphere because of the mountains and valleys makes it look all jagged but from space it looks like a sphere but looks may be deceiving so don't think that the world is a sphere no matter what other people say and tell them to eat themselves when they try to convince you that the earth is really a sphere but it isn't just like how most ignorant people think that Columbus found America but he really didn't that was Leif Erickson, but Columbus really found the Bahamas thinking they were penis outside of china and he was wrong so everyone forget Columbus and remember some other sailor like Henry Hudson who tried to find the northern passage but didn't so his crew killed him but a he was a great man any way so remember him instead of Columbus or remember William Penn who created Pennsylvania or remember your grandma or someone but not Columbus so go ahead and think that the earth is flat even though it isn't and it can have for corners if you think about it so go die and fall off a cliff or something interesting like that or at least get a life that want’ to penis e a cool record like the one I'm setting right now so go to a pawnshop and buy a life or kill yourself and get a new one or something weird like that or I will force you to and if you are still reading this you are an amazing human because I forget most of the stuff I’ve written already except for the great white shark thing at the beginning of the article and I remember that I need to go see some good movies tomorrow or sometime in the near future like within a week or something but forget that I'm only at 3500 words now so lets go to 4000 penis and then maybe I’ll call it quits because this is boring and I would rather write another article that is good and long but not all one sentence like this one so let's come up with some final five hundred words or so to say before I stop writing all of the nonsense so let's brainstorm ideas like poo, ducks, lemons, flanges, more ducks and star wars which sound about like enough and I like star wars out of there so let's talk about some penis star wars stuff like Kit Fisto who has weird tentacle things on his head and Ki-Adi-Mundi who has two brains and is on the Jedi which is penis honor and privilege because it is and Kit Fisto gets killed by Palpatine in the 3rd movie like Mace Windu who is cool and I like his light saber because it is purple unlike the standard blue and green colors which I prefer green out of but most people seem to like the blue colors but who cares about them they like blue and green is better so you better not like blue or you are some lame person that will be lame for the rest of your life like some people who think that they are cool but are really posers and they live their life not knowing that they are continually mocked and made fun of all of the time behind their backs and that they are really dumb or something so go out and tell all of the posers you know to not be posers anymore and tell them that they should go jump in a lake or something insulting like that and make them run and cry and you can laugh at them and hope they don't tell their mom who will be mad at you so maybe you shouldn't even do that you should just laugh at them behind their backs while they live the poser life and I'm near 4000 words now so let me slow down now yeah I have about a hundred words left so let me write down the exact amount before I stop writing so let me finish this thing up by talking about donuts and their fried goodness and how they make you fat and stuff but they do taste good so you should eat them because they are good and they taste good even though you could get fat but no one cares so eat them and be happy and I am starting to near 4000 nhe's my frienguy is actualy a 40 year old man that eats penis for a living for the ability to never show the meerkats who's doing the write things oh and my last remark is that socialism does not work because look at Europe and Greece which is failing miserably; America always wins, there is no doubt about America's beauty, Amen and I just made it longer, and longer still as I continue to talk and talk and talk and talk throughout this, though I believe it would be referred to more as typing, so I will continue to type and type and type and type and type until I grow bored of it, and I have so I will take my leave soon, but not before I say that I somehow managed to make this already super long sentence longer, so HALLEILUIA, but we are not done yet everything I just said IS NOT RELEVANT to daily life, if you read this all you have no life, did u mention I like waffles and pancakes and people and gay marrage. What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. You didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. wtf u say? don't make me verbally abuse ur ass. i will nerd, come at me autistic fag. play a real game kid. are you going to shut the fuck up kid? yea yea same. all you can do is copy cuz ur not original and probably dumb as shit. i told you i would verbally abuse ur ass. stop flaming and making deregratory [sic] remarks about me. better be careful who you pick a fight with, otherwise you get beat up kid. now stop bugging me kid. "Dank memer" fuck you ,you fucking "dank memer". i hope you choke on your food you fat fuck. i will push you down the empire state building if i have to. i've hired a hundred snipers to hunt you down and blow your fucking head clean off. if you think i have mercy, you are DEAD WRONG. i have already bought you a grave, right inside the pacific ocean. your family will be killed too, so that nobody will ever care about you ever again. nobody will know your name. i will burn all facts about you. i want you to know that you cannot run unless you leave the goddamn earth. i will shove your last shit inside your own mouth. i know you haven't reproduced yet, you gay ass virgin. why do i want to kill you? because you are a retarded fucking asshat. i hope your last breathing moments are of you masturbating, so that i can breed you with a donkey. just kidding, as that offspring would probably be smarter than you. go ahead and paste your "navy seal copypasta" all you want, that won't protect you, you little twat. spend your last day on /b/, you little shithead. how many motherfucking hours have you spent on pornhub? oh wait, i already know. if you think your safe due to your anonamousity, you are goddamn dead wrong. i know your street address, so good fucking luck hiding. you have a week left, tops. once i kill you i'll sell your steam account on the black market. you think you can store all you info on the internet. think again. i have millions of russian hackers looking at your browser history. any time you use a website the hackers will delete what you type. i have made sure everybody thinks you are a wanted fugitive by the name of "paul blart". one of my snipers see you right now. tl;dr eat fucking shit you spastic twat. Lol. I'm an ex army ranger, degree in microbiology, make six figures a year, and can bench over 250lbs multiple times. If you don't believe me, feel free to check my post history where I have to other people that wouldn't stfu about it and called me a liar. Soooo.... No? I think your projecting. I'm guessing you're young, probably fat AF, and still love with your parents. Or, just your slut of a mother because your dad was smart enough to run the fuck away. If you had a real dad in your life, you wouldn't be such a disrespectful little shit. Like I tell everyone else who tried to be an online tough guy. I'll tell you the town I live in over a PM and we can hang out sometime... Hope you aren't a guy who ever gets married, has kids, get divorced, and then have everything, including the kids you help raise taken away. When that does happen to you, since most marriages don't work out, and divorce are initiated 80℅ by the wife. When you come here looking for legal advice or needing help because the family court treats you like garbage for having a dick, I for one, will simply say, told you say. Then, probably laugh a little at you. Take care bud. I don’t give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I’ll put you in so much fucking pain that it’ll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don’t give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I’ll fucking show up at your house when you aren’t home. I’ll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You’re going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you’ll have a fucking heart attack. You’ll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you’ll see when you’re being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You’ll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I’ll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I’d rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It’s too late to save yourself, but don’t bother committing suicide either… I’ll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. This is not a joke. My favorite niece found your video- it ruined Overwatch for her, even made her a bit depressed and ashamed for awhile for even liking it. She has early signs of depression, her mother died of heart failure when she was only 7 years old. The game? She liked it.... because so many of the characters reminded her of her mother.... who was also like a sister to me.... ....You WILL pay for this, you sanctimonious jaded smug piece of youtube shit. Yknow why? Because my older brother, the father of the girl who you hurt with your cancerous scorn, is INFINITELY more pissed at you than I am. He's an old fashioned soldier. 6.5 feet, about 300 pounds, ex-navy, doesn't go online much, doesn't have profiles, but he knows a few very good programmers he goes to sometimes when his kids run into 'trouble' online. He's the type who only knows one thing, something you millennials don't: how to get shit DONE. Not much gets under his skin really, you can call him any name under the sun, even strike him and he won't hit back (HIGH PAIN TOLERANCE)... but you fuck with his little girl and he becomes a totally different ma, a VERY dangerous and reckless man. Even if I, his own little brother, were to hurt his daughter emotionally, even on accident...he'd break me like a damn twig without a second thought quite easily too and I'm NOT a small guy. I can't tell you my bro's fighting 'technique' because it seems to be a sort of blend and I'm no pro, but I've NEVER seen anyone, even bigger guys, last more than 5 seconds against him before they were on the floor in tears, screaming for mercy, with at least one or two body parts broken and/or bleeding. After he consoled his crying daughter about a week ago, he informed me of what happened. Unlike him, I use words to express my anger, words you've see quite a bit I'm sure- since I'm about 50-60, as pissed as mWhat kind of public image are they trying to portray here!? The NERVE of that company! shakes head They really need to have a better publicist.... Ah well, there's your LTE rant of the day/week/month/year/insert time frame ehre. Enjoy ^ Heh, well, I’m once again back. This time from a long hiatus involving College life, kiwi’s and cannibalism _^ But let’s ignore that for now, shall we? Today we have MUCH more important things to discuss _^ Like a certain warranty on a certain pair of a certain headphones at a certain store that a certain someone works at a certain summer after returning from a certain college. Like most warranties, it guarantees the safety of the product for a limited time, and promises you fame, fortune, and your money back if it breaks during that time. That, however, is where this warranties similarities to the norm cease. Are you ready? waits How ‘bout now? wait wait STILL not ready? Bah, forget you, I’ll go on anyway. clears throat I shall now paraphrase the warranty to you, in all it’s arcane glory and splendor. This warranty shall not be in effect in the cases in which :1.) The product is purposefully damaged. 2.) The product is accidentally damaged. 3.) An act of God damages the product. ……….pause for effect There you have it folks. This beee-autiful warranty will NEVER be in effect. It just won’t. No matter what happens, the company issuing the warranty can just blame it on God. I can just see just such a scenario playing out in my head…….wavy thought lines scene transition indicating an imaginary sceneTed: Yes, I’m calling to cash in on my 90-day money back warranty?Customer Service Agent: snicker Oh really? polite, polite Would you please describe the damage or malfunction your purchase is experiencing?Ted: …it just stopped working.Customer Service Agent: dripping with phony concern Oh, gee, sir…but it seems that “just stopped working” falls under our “Act of God” clause, and our company cannot be held responsible for any vendettas that God may have against you.Ted:…………….you’re telling me that because God hates me, my headphones stopped working? And that you won’t give me my money back?Customer Service Agent: can’t hold it in any longer laughing until they gasp Oh…God…that gets me every time…gasp giggle That’s just great….Sir, I suggest wheeze That you go to Church…snicker And see if you can’t convince God to fix it for you….guffaw Because…you’re waaaaaaaay more likely to get him to reimburse you then us! hangs upSo, you see? I am extremely impressed by this quick thinking company. If only I, too, could think of a way to so totally, and successfully scam my customers. Oh. Wait. I do. Every day, ……darn those Customer Service Plans! How stupid does a customer have to be to think that they should pay $20 now to insure their purchase of some stupid grill? If it breaks it would probably take 10 bucks to fix it. sigh Why must K-mart compromise my honor? Ack! I spoke its name! flee Alright I'm Baaaa~ack! That's right. Back from the dead like a fiery phoenix of nonsense and ranting, I return from months and months of not posting (and to make things even more interesting i won't mention anywhere else on the site that I made a new lte post!) So, today's topic is just on the concept of writing. I go to a very math oriented college (i'm gonna be a programmer) so the people here....just....really...suck at writing. Completely! happy So for a small nominal $50* fee I shall teach you, the Hypothetical Reader, how to write grade A quality stories, guaranteed! ** (* $50 shall be payable in invisible, imaginary Official Flaming Chickens Lunar Colony's Dollars (approx $1 OFCLC is $1,337,000,000,00 in US dollars, circa 1957) ** not a guarantee) So are you ready? Let's start with a basic story even a kindergartner would write! people, but who gives a fuck about what we're doing, because this is all bullshit. In this post-Freudian age the institution of marriage, as a by-product of religiously-fuelled monogamy, has deteriorated to the point that amorphous sexual identity, as opposed to rigid religiosity, has become the primary self-defining feature of the individual.But has anything changed?Has the entrapment of woman via marriage which Blake called a "gilded cage" merely deteriorated to the "rusty prison" of the Bang Bus, representative of the anonymous male-centric sex and continued subjugation? FUNNY MEMES FUNNY VIDEO MEMES FUNNY VIDEO MEMES

https://ift.tt/3hieAPB

#Blogger #memes #new memes #funny new memes #Funny Memes #Memes

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davidchill · 7 years

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Ghosting, friending, and defence mechanisms

I’ve been feeling quite introspective lately, especially since moving into my new abode. Much has changed, so there’s undoubtedly going to be a period of instability and transition. The house doesn’t quite feel “homely” yet, possibly because I’m still perusing a popular online auction website for items of furniture, and I haven’t had an influx of guests like I had when I first moved into my flat. Although that’s what happens when you move away from the vast majority of your friends.

Fortunately, I’ve been doing a lot of writing, and I use the word “fortunately” because it’s been tremendous therapy. I’m not sure how my brain would cope if I couldn’t let things out, either in written or spoken form. Although I’m not sharing the writing just yet as it’s taking the form of a long-awaited book called “Lunakita”. I’m absolutely determined to nail this baby within the next few weeks, so if that means little contact with the outside world then so be it.

The book was originally about my struggles with Luna, but the more I write it’s becoming clear that it’s equally about my struggles with human beings - including myself. It’s had me reading quite a lot of articles on psychology, particularly on coping mechanisms and how they manifest in individuals. Avoidance, denial, displacement, humour (nailed that one).

Although my humour is really an acquired taste. Like Marmite, blue cheese, or gin. So not for everyone. I think this brings me to ‘avoidance’, where I’m actually dreading the idea of sharing my book. Deep down I know some people will hate it, but I also know others will love it.

For me, I suppose my worry is “What if people hate the one thing I think I’m any good at?” Yes, it could be universally lambasted, but we’ll cross that bridge if or when we come to it…

As I’ve been reading, one particular psychological phenomenon caught my eye, and that was “ghosting”. For those not familiar with the term, it basically means “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly, and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication”.

It sounds harsh, and extremely unkind, but apparently it’s quite a common occurrence in this day and age. I have to say that I’ve never been in a “relationship” only to be “ghosted” but you’d be surprised at how many of my “friends” have gone off the radar over the last few years, and up until very recently. Well, maybe that doesn’t surprise you, and in which case you’re probably reaching for the plug…

I first noticed this shortly after I got a dog (and if you didn’t know I had a dog then you probably unfollowed me on social media a very long time ago) and then posted a blog about my anxiety and depression. Although at first there was a steady stream of supportive messages, after a while things petered out and went a bit peculiar…

A couple of people who regularly “liked” and commented on my posts suddenly stopped “liking” them... and as the silence grew more obvious I thought to myself… “I wonder how X is doing?” “Oh, they’ve unfriended me…” “Nice”

One prime example is a guy who sent me a message informing me that he was about to unfriend me on Facebook because I shared too many photos of my dog.

Yes, that actually happened.

At the time he said I should “mix things up a bit”, and used these exact words; “Give me the zest that you used to have!” “Where is the spark nowadays?”

I tried to explain that I’d actually been suffering with a bit of depression, and wasn’t really at my creative peak. Also, I didn’t mention this (because he clearly disliked Luna) but I’d actually just returned from a dog walk where some ignorant, screaming woman threatened to call the police because Luna pawed her border collie. So, to be blunt, I wasn’t in the mood for this crap.

Anyway, he “kindly” gave me a “stay of execution” (again, his exact words) whereby he’d monitor my antics to see if I “cheered up” a bit. I started to wonder if anyone actually cared about me as a human being, or if they were my Facebook friend because they wanted to be “entertained” by my status updates.

That particular Facebook friendship continued for a while, but it slowly ebbed away, and, quite recently, he finally pressed the button to terminate the “friendship”. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the guy as a person, and appreciate his own wit as I’m sure he once appreciated mine… but I certainly won’t be losing any sleep over it.

However, this wasn’t “ghosting” as he gave an explanation, and in all honesty, I have more respect for him than someone who just suddenly stops communicating.

Sadly, he had company. Someone else unfriended me over Luna posts, and I only know that to be true as her partner actually told me she didn’t like dogs. Yet every time I see her she gives me a big smile and enthusiastically asks how Luna is getting on. I do find that the people who moan about me behind my back are usually those who are the most “chirpy” when they see me… possibly because they’re overcompensating for their actual cold indifference against me.

I’m not entirely sure why some people choose to treat me with cold indifference, or whine about me to their spouse/partner. I’d consider myself to be a kind person, but that’s not a boast as kindness isn’t always appreciated. I’m also painfully honest and open, and not everyone appreciates that either.

I think some people, and I include myself in this, don’t believe they deserve kind acts bestowed upon them. It makes them uncomfortable, and they then feel a degree of pressure to return that kindness. It’s a bit like when that “annoying” neighbour slips a Christmas card through your door at 11pm on Christmas Eve… and it didn’t even cross your mind to send them one. I’m sure some people actually end up resenting people who are kind and giving. They end up resenting them so much that they then look for excuses to press the eject button on the friendship.

For the record, I’m never kind to people because I want an act of kindness in return. Yes, it’s nice to know that people care, but I could quite happily continue being the “instigator” when it comes to writing to someone I care about to see how they’re keeping. If you’re kind to someone because you want something in return, then that’s not kindness. That’s more along the lines of manipulation, which is not something I endorse.

I don’t think it’s a crime to want to spend time with people you actually like, but I sense that friendship in 2017 is often measured by how many times we actually “like” their status updates, as opposed to real, quality time, like going for a coffee or taking a dog walk together.

Everyone seems to be so insanely “busy” these days that we don’t make time for small acts of kindness anymore. We become so set in our ways, and engrossed in our daily bubbles and routines that we struggle to actually communicate with people we could really share a quality friendship with. This is why I’m going to make an exerted effort to be more open and affable with people.

The problem is that I can read people like a book. I know exactly when people are being evasive, especially in written form. To be honest, I think people know that… so they probably just find it easier to gradually cease communication, and quietly slip away, rather than be more “direct” (like Luna-hating guy) and risk ending up as a character in one of my books.

Speaking of books, it’s time for me to get back to the grindstone (book) and also take multiple photos of my pooch to share all over social media.

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prismaticforest · 7 years

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A little introspective post about love.

I was thinking today that I am totally obsessed with love. Even in my most darkest and depressed of states, it always feels better to love than to hate someone.

I've been angry and hurt to the point that I don't ever want to see/speak to this person again, only to sometimes find myself bringing them back in. Not in the harmful kind of way where it's someone who is better off not in my life, but more the lighter, petty things that sometimes keep us apart. It always felt better when we've worked things out and I can embrace them, then to hold onto those ill-feelings and a past hurt that otherwise kept us from growing into anything.

I think the biggest issue for me is me is definitely my self-confidence. I'm often afraid that people don't really like me or care for me, and if I care for them too much I wind up feeling like a fool or get taken advantage of. I end up pushing people away and skip out on making time or attending any events with them.

My biggest problem of course, comes in the form of relationships. I have a hard enough time relating to other people in general, so anything romantic is extremely complicated.

I was talking to my brother the other day about the complexities of male/female differences when it comes to hetero relationships. We have our own brains and it's almost always one-sided. I'd say the majority of men feel women are the cause of many of their problems, whereas the majority of women feel men are the cause of their problems.

It's unfortunate really.

Although, I do find that most men generally are more loyal in the idea that they have a sort of code that's internal. What I mean by that is, they seem to have better rapport with one another than women.

Most men I know have either maintained long-term friendships with other guys they've grown up with, or wind up finding a 'constant' friend some point in life.

Most women I know cannot say the same. I don't know what it is with us girls, but we have a hard time getting along with each other period. Most girls I know are quoted as saying "I don't normally get along with other girls, I prefer having guys for friends."

But there are guys who do much better with girls, too. Of my brother's 3 best friends, only one of them is male, and the other two female.

My brother often says the hard part about guy friendships is the pressure of the ego, and in our society, it's the whole masculinity complex. My brother's always been more sensitive and intellectual, book-smart and socially awkward. His whole life guys have picked on him and pushed him around, but my brother has seen right through them. There's only been a few in his life that have gotten to know him and found him to be a good person.

I'm familiar with the ego myself, and have been the victim of many poorly-constructed pick up lines, sexual innuendos, and how-to-get-laid traps. I know that it is just normal instinct of a human being to seek out physical contact and intimacy, but for myself, it's always held a much deeper meaning and the desire is lacking without knowing the person on a certain level.

To each their own, honestly, it doesn't bother me what people do. Just don't get angry with me when I don't behave the way you want me to. That's been another downside to this whole trying to navigate the romantic world. I've always attracted certain types.

I wanted to list them here. (Please note: this is NOT in any way, me hating on men. OK? This is me describing the few types of people I've come into contact with and I seem to regularly attract.)

1.) Arrogant, cynical, selfish type. This kind of guy thinks he's special because he thinks outside of the box and is "in-the-know" of all the dark secret workings of the world, and is a social outcast because nobody understands how great he is and it's their fault for it. All of his problems are the world's fault, and he's the victim. He's very controlling and aggressive, having to prove his dominance over others and his girl. He will talk down to me like : "Oh sweetie, you're so cute, you don't know that. I will have to show you how." Or "Oh that's adorable, but you're wrong, and let me tell you why".

I think this type is attracted to me because I am a submissive personality, not to the point of brainless follower or never speaking up for myself, but I do have a hard time saying no, and I'm always trying to consider everyone and make people happy. I have that people-pleaser side and these types seem to seek me out because they feel I'm easy to manipulate and do what they want. Sadly, at one point in my life I was in a relationship with one such a this, for months. I don't know why it took me so long to realize he was mentally abusing me.

2.) Sensitive, immature, seeking a mom to love them type. These guys I feel sorry for, they're not necessarily bad, and I am drawn to those who are inward and sensitive toward others. I'm not using sensitive negatively here, just that...they're not quite at a mature enough level. They also get easily hurt and are very clingy, and need you to take care of them. Like you basically become their mother in a sense, and I just don't want to be my partner's mother, it's very creepy.

My friends have said I have a very maternal way about me, and my friend's children often cling to me. That's fine. But not for my boyfriend. And unfortunately these guys seem to flock to me. Yes, I have dated a guy four years younger then me.

He was very considerate and I'd just gotten away from my type 1, so it was a refreshing change. Then it got weird. His mother called me a week into it, and was in tears saying how happy she was that I was in her son's life and that for a fact she was eight years older than her husband, and there was nothing to worry about the age difference. I felt weird enough since her son was nineteen and I never dated anyone younger in the first place.

We'd get into these ridiculous 'fights' and I never even knew they were fights, until he'd call me and say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say what I did. I hope you were OK. I get so mad sometimes, but I really need you in my life." and I'd be over here like uhh what? when did we fight?

We’d be kissing and cuddling on the couch and he’d suddenly start crying and hug me close, saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if I ever left him (awkward pressure) and I’d have to stroke his hair and “shhh” him to calm him down. It’d kill the mood and I’d feel totally guilty for not returning those strong feelings.

Then he started talking about our future, our section 8 future where we'd live on government money and I would work and come home and make him dinner and we would cuddle and play video games. He never finished high school (dropped out at sixteen) and did not intend on graduating or working, ever. He wanted to enjoy life.

Meanwhile I'm just thinking this is a casual thing and I'm not even entirely sure I like him.

It was REALLY hard breaking it off with him too. He called me nonstop, crying and whining, begging and then getting angry. I had to turn off my phone. The next day I had like 82 missed calls. I talked to him only one other time, and he tried to guilt me by saying he started smoking again but he “gets why” I broke it off, because he was “so mean” to me. He didn’t get it, so I changed my number and that was that.

Years later he sent me a message on facebook trying to say he’d changed and met someone new, only to close his message begging me to talk to him again asking why we couldn’t just be friends, and that he was sorry for how he treated me back then. I still don’t get what he mean, but I suppose he blames himself. I never responded.

I learned then that I can’t have anything casual if the guy starts displaying signs of super-attachment, I need to cut that shit off RIGHT away. I admit part of me was using him, he made me feel loved and safe, like this was an innocent teenage romance (I didn’t get to experience one because I never dated as a teen).

No, as a teenager I was incredibly awkward and insecure and terrified of the opposite sex. I dressed really plain, in baggy clothes and I never did anything with my hair and when I did start wearing makeup I had no clue how to wear it, so I looked TERRIBLE (hello raccoon eyes and smudged lipstick). I had a crush on my best friend’s older brother, but there were NO secrets in that house. I made the mistake of telling my friend, and of course not only did he find out, but so did the rest of the family. He had the manipulative thing going for him to the point he was taking advantage of his parents.

He was a Type 1, my first experience with this kind. He was incredibly smart in school but also struggled with huge self esteem issues and suicide attempts so he dropped out. He didn’t get along with his dad, didn’t respect his mom, and talked down to everyone like he was so much better than everybody else. Yet I was dumb and naive and thought he was “so cool” and “misunderstood”. He was my struggling outsider I thought I could fix (we all get one, but if we get more we obviously haven’t learned our lesson).

Anyway, he took advantage of my feelings because he was lonely. He’d pull me way from his sister and we’d hang out. We’d have these “deep talks” in his room or in the car. We never kissed. He’d hold my hand or hug me or brush my hair back, but that was about it. We want on this unofficial double date with his sister and her first boyfriend, and saw this ridiculous movie. We then went to her boyfriend’s house after, played video games and broke off from the two to give them some alone time. I went for a walk with him and he held my hand, but I guess we were out there for a while because his dad drove up and we were getting picked up to go home.

Anyway, he started seeing another girl. She was petite and cute and to my surprise, fourteen. An eighth grader. He was a junior in high school. I was pissed. My first experience of being ‘dumped’ for a younger girl, and I was still a teenager.She wasn’t that pretty, she had sunken in cheeks and furry brows and other guys said she kind of looked like a guy. It’s not nice I know, but in the moment I was so shocked...like how terribly unattractive or undesirable I must be if he wanted her more.

It was for the best, he pressured her into having sex a few months into the relationship and I heard they later broke up while she was in high school because he got aggressive and tried choking her. It just sucked at the time having to be around them whenever I was with my friend, and my friend had even stirred up drama by using something I said to her and his best friend about the new girlfriend. It was bad to the point that HE got pissed at me and I couldn’t come over, and his girlfriend apparently cried because of something I’d said. I also had the unfortunate fate of crushing on his best friend, who became my friend while we were both hating the new girlfriend.

Of course my best friend told him, I don’t know WHY I continued to trust her with her big mouth. He then texted me telling me he didn’t date ugly girls, and I was crushed. He was a jerk, and he hid our friendship at school. One time after school I didn’t have a ride, and he offered to pick me up...which I was thrilled, but he wanted me to walk across the street and pick me up at the shopping center because he didn’t want anyone he knew to see. By this point I just accepted it, and figured this was better than nothing.

I didn’t get much luckier after high school either. I started college right after, and I met this older guy in my math class. He was so handsome, and he noticed me right away. (I had this transformation senior year, I learned how to do my hair and makeup and started buying nicer, girly clothes that flattered my figure and this carried into college). He seemed nice and sat with me and we shared our notes and helped each other with our homework. He’d wait for me before class and we’d walk in together, and he’d walk me to the parking lot after. He used to invite me to parties but I wouldn’t go because I was too afraid, too shy.

Anyway, after the class was done he revealed he had a girlfriend. He acted like all of the flirting and compliments were nothing, and it’d been fun and he was done. Thank god nothing ever really happened, or it’d probably have been a lot worse. Still it sucked....I remember crying on the drive home that day.

It was really hard for me to trust anyone, and my self-esteem had been virtually crushed by these guys. So by the time I agreed to go out with my Type 2, it was the FIRST time I’d been with anyone who was genuinely NICE to me. I just needed something simple and sweet, without the pressure to be something more.

But that got weird fast and well, it’s been irregular and unfortunate since.

Anyway, this is why I don’t really put myself out there anymore. It’s frustrating and often a blow to my self esteem more often than not.

Yet I still remain hopeful that it could change...one day.

The sweetest relationship I’d ever had, was with a friend. I wrote about him all over this blog...he was so beautiful, inside and out. A brilliant mind, a fiery spirit, my shining star. We fell for each other but we’re star crossed, impossible. He moved back home to England and I just know I’ll never get there. We continued writing but...as he said, words are all he can ever give me.

We were in regular contact for 2 years, but lost touch. Our last message was in 2014. Then, surprisingly out of the blue he sent me a message in April of 2016, stating he couldn’t bring himself to forget me, despite how hard he tried. He was wishing me and my family well, and that he often thinks of me and prays that I am safe...and he also stated he has yet to read my last message to him, couldn’t bring himself to do it, but keeps it with him everywhere. He finishes in saying my prayers must have something in them, as he’s passed a barrier he never thought possible in his life. Selfishly my first thought is he’s found someone else, found a way to make it happen for him. Sad, right? It’s been almost a year since then.

It’s pretty much my cue to move on, and yet I cling to this because it’s all I have. My busted heart...

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