#'you never give up' and buck breaking the glass to wake up from his coma. choosing to go back for himself

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

A Voice Through the Nothingness Part 1

Series Masterlist

Contains: Near-death injury, angst, coma, disease outbreak, mild fluff, and more angst.

3.3 K words

Comment if you want to be tagged or follow #a voice through the nothingness

“Nothing is predestined. The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.”- Ralph Blum

It was meant to be routine, nothing was supposed to go wrong, but it did, and now Frank was waiting in the hospital waiting room, covered in his best friend's blood because one of their rich clients lied to them.

He was going over the whole thing in his head, where they went wrong, what could have been done better, but every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was the bomb going off spitting distance from Billy.

And the noise, the horrendous sound of fracturing glass and Billy's screams flew around his brain from ear to ear like a sadistic butterfly. Everything washed into focus when Karen appeared in front of him, "Frank, what happened? It's all over the news, there was some kind of bomb."

Frank swallowed, "Hill lied about everything, and our checks missed it. He tried to come clean about it, but by the time he had shown us the accounts, it was too late. That fucker got Billy blown up over a few million bucks, who the fuck tries to pull over on the fucking Russian mob?"

Karen sat beside him and placed her hand on his thigh, "tell me everything."

"It wasn't on their books. Their biggest backer is a shot caller from Brighton Beach. Hill was skimming from the beginning. He said he hired us because they had been getting threats because they wouldn't merge with Telcorp. I don't know how the fuck we missed it."

Karen reached up and stroked Frank's face, "cash in hand is hard to track and if this player never showed his face, there's no way you could have known. Telcorp is one of the worst companies in America, you didn't look any further because his explanation made sense. This isn't your fault Frank, this is that shot callers fault."

Frank's face hardened, "don't worry, I know."

It took five hours for someone to come out to give them an update, by that time, the hospital had moved them into a private waiting room, and everyone was there, half of Anvil, Curtis, Mat and Foggy, David, Sarah and the kids.

Frank could tell by the look on the doctor's face that things weren't good, but he asked nonetheless, "how is he doc?"

The doctor took a deep breath, "your friend is still in surgery, it's likely he'll be in there for a few more hours. He had some deep lacerations to his face but we're hopeful that his vision is still fully intact, and it doesn't look like there is any damage to the underlying essential nerves or structures, so while he may still have numbness, he will be able to move his face."

There was more, "his jaw and throat are also fine. The breaks in his arm and leg are minor considering everything and set easy. The issue is with his brain, there's swelling and multiple skull fractures. The Neurosurgeon is still working to control bleeding and patching what she can, but right now, we're not sure if he will wake up or what condition he'll be in if he does."

Frank nodded, "thanks, keep us updated please?"

The doctor nodded, "of course, we're trying our best Mr Castle, someone will be out in a few hours when the neurosurgeon knows more."

****

It took eleven hours for them to put Billy back together, cutting, gluing and sticking for Billy to come out with his head wrapped in bandages and a tube down his throat so he could breathe. Sarah had taken the kids home to sleep, but no one else had left and there was a slowly growing pile of coffee cups in the bin.

The same doctor came out looking haggard but assured and despite Frank's sire muscles, he was up in a flash, "what's the news?"

The doctors didn't offer him a smile, but it wasn't a frown either, "we don't know. He has a brain injury, a very serious one at that, but, he did maintain his airway when we did a breathing trial. We have him in a medically induced coma right now to give him brain and body time to rest but the fact that he was breathing on his own, even if it was for thirty seconds, is a good thing."

The whole waiting room relaxed, "right now, we have no idea if or when he'll wake up, it could be in a week, it could be never. If he does wake up and has function, he will need significant rehab to be able to return to some semblance of normal life. We don't want to give you false hope right now, but so far, the signs are good."

****

Billy was in the ICU for a month. On day five, they brought him out of the coma and pulled the tube from his throat. On day ten, he started to show some signs of activity but a twitch here and there was nothing special occurring to the neurosurgeon.

They had taken shifts, a constant rotation of people in and out so Billy was never alone. The nurses even put a cot in the room so someone could stay there overnight.

Every day for a month, they spent hours hanging on the doctor's every word, watching the nurses turn him to prevent bed sores, getting updates from the physiotherapists as they worked on him to keep his body working and talking to Billy in hopes that it kept his brain active.

Come the end of the month, there was a sadness in the air as they moved him to the long term care ward. The doctors would tell them every day that they were hopeful, that there were tiny improvements here and there that showed he might be getting better but deep down, they all thought the same thing, he had a few months of the same care in the hospital before he was shipped off some else to rot and die.

Frank refused to leave Billy's side the day of his move, sitting there with a bobbing leg holding his hand while he lives on coffee and cheap hospital food. When Curtis came for his shift, Frank's leg refused to carry him out.

Curtis placed a warm hand on Frank's back and sat on the chair next to him, hoping to give him some comforting words, "this is Billy we're talking about here Frank, he's going to get through this."

Frank shook his head, "and if he does and wakes up a zombie? He's said it before Curt, he doesn't want to turn out like his mother."

Curtis shook his head, "when Bily wakes up, we both know he will work like a dog until he can leave here on his own two feet."

Frank swallowed, his eyes filling with tears, "I can't lose him Curt, he's.."

Curtis cut him off, "Billy's one tough motherfucker, he'll pull through, I can feel it in my bones." He gave Frank and hearty slap, "now go home, or I'll call Karen and have her drag you home."

That had Frank up, "alright, no need to call in backup, I'm going."

Curt stood up and wrapped his arms around his friend, "we're going to get through this, don't worry."

Five months later

Hazel sighed, her eyes heavy as she dragged her feet from her station in the peds ward to long term care across the sky bridge and down the hall. It's a journey she had made every day since she started working two at the hospital years ago. She followed the same routine each time, arrive at the ward, grab a coffee and take her break with her best friend, Lizabeth. 

She leaned against the table in the breakroom and rubbed her face, the double shift hitting her like a truck as she watched the people outside, "Who's the new patient? He seems pretty popular." 

Hazel sipped her coffee as Lizabeth spoke, "Willaim Russo, some hot shot military contractor. He got a face full of glass and a TBI in that bomb blast a few months ago." 

Hazel thought for a moment, "wait, does he run a company called Anvil?" 

She nodded, "yeah, most of his visiters are his friends, why do you ask?"

Hazel sighed, "because it's a small world."

"Excuse me," no response, so she tried someone else, "miss.." People were rude here. Hazel really didn't want to be late, she couldn't imagine it would look good if she didn't show up to get the keys to her shoebox apartment.

She was going to give up when a man caught her eye, he was handsome, almost insultingly so but even in his very nice suit, he looked like he had lived a thousand years without sleep. She stuck out her hand and waved, "Sir, sir, can I please have a moment of your time, I just need some directions." 

To her relief, the man smiled and slowed, "of course ma'am, where were you headed?" He gave her an easy smile, his teeth blindly white, 

Halez pulled out her huge map and pointed to a street "Newport Properties, they said to go to seventh but then someone at seventh said to come here, I'm about as lost as a bee in the dark." 

The man laughed, "you're on the right track. Get on the next train and then get off in seven stops, it should be easy from there." 

Hazel smiled, "thank you so much, you're a saint." 

The man smiled, "no worried ma'am, take care of yourself." 

Hazel walked away only to realise that she had a million more questions and if her track record was anything to go by, she wasn't going to find someone else to answer them. 

"Wait." 

He turned around and walked back over, "still lost?" There was a charm in his voice. 

She nodded, "yep, like I said, as a bee in the dark." 

He gave her a look, "how about I sit next to you, you can ask me all the questions you want?" 

She smiled, but her brain caught up to her good nature, "you're not a serial killer, are you?" 

He chuckled, "no, ma'am, I'm not, I promise." 

Hazel sighed, "I really don't want to take up any more of your time." 

The man shook his head and stuck out his hand, "it's no bother, ma'am. I'm Billy." 

Hazel accepted his hand, it was warm and calloused, "Hazel, it's nice to meet you Billy." 

The train arrived soon after and they got on, Billy pushing way to get them both a seat, "so what do you want to know Hazel?" 

She shrugged, "how do I get from Hell's Kitchen to New york General?"  

Billy held back his smile and pointed to the map in her hand, she passed it to him and he opened it across their laps, taking time to answer her questions as he showed her where to go. 

"You working there?" 

She nodded, "I'm a nurse in the peds ward, it's meant to be one of the best." 

Billy looked her over, she was beautiful, "yeah, I've heard that too. How long have you been a nurse?" 

She smiled softly, "ten years, I love it. What do you do?" 

Billy's face was a neutral mask, "I just got out of the Marines, I'm actually on my way to look at a property for my new company." 

Hazel's face changed as if she was trying to read his thoughts, "you're starting your own company, that's awesome, good for you." 

Billy smiled, "thanks, most people pick up the Marine thing." 

She shook her head, "I'm sure you hear thank you for your service all the time, most of the time, it doesn't mean anything. I'm guessing you're a bit sick of the platitude." 

For the first time in a long time, Billy was stumped, "wow, people usually aren't that honest. And yeah, I do get a bit sick of hearing it, most people don't mean it." 

Hazel huffed, "humans aren't known for their understanding." 

There was a sadness in her voice that Billy understood, "I'm sure you've been on the receiving end of the same thing a few times before?

She nodded, "yep, you can only eat so much cheap pizza before you realise that the pizza should be a raise and more paid time off." 

Billy laughed, it was hearty and filled with warmth, "don't I know that. Speaking of which, have you tried any yet?" 

Hazel shook her head, "I've been too busy, plus, everyone says to go somewhere different, and bad pizza is just sad." 

Billy pointed to the man, "Mama Magda's, you won't get anywhere better." 

Hazel's smile grew, "ok, I trust you, even though I only met you," she looked at her watch, "fifteen minutes ago." 

Billy shook his head, "what else to you want to know?" 

She blinked, "so much." 

They talked for what seemed like seconds but it wasn't, with the last chime, Billy's smile faded, "this is your stop." 

Hazel mirrored him, "oh, that was so fast, I though it was going to take ages." 

Billy shook his head, "nah. You better go, you don't want to be late." 

She stood up, and the train slowed, and then Billy pulled something from his pocket, "here's my number, call if you get lost again." 

He passed her the card and she smiled again, "thank you Billy, you're a lifesaver." 

Hazel sighed, the money fading. "I met him on the train on my first day in the city. I had no idea where I was going, so he sat next to me until I got to the right stop. I always meant to send something to his office to thank him but I lost his card unpacking, I'm glad he has people."

Lizabeth smiled, "yeah, it's good to see. How's it over in the land of little ones?"

Hazel chuckled and sighed, "great, we had one of those petting zoos in the yard today, the kids had fun."

Lizabeth raised an eyebrow, "and you didn't?"

"You know I did, there's no need to make fun of me." Hazel's tone held no offence.

"I'm not making fun of you, I just know how you get around poor little things in need of love." She could tell Lizabeth didn't just mean animals and children.

"Oh shut up Lizzy."

Three weeks later

"Can we at least move between wards?" No one was happy about the meeting, but the joy of outbreaks meant they had to.

The director nodded, "You can move between wards if you are fully vaccinated and follow infection protocol, but we ask that you use discretion and don't go where there aren't infections already. It might only be measles but we can't take any chances."

Hazel rolled her eyes and turned to her friend sitting next to her, "well Lizzy, looks like we need to bring back teased hair and rainbow pants because we're back in the eighties."

Lizabeth huffed, "we're on infection number two, I don't think it will be long before half the ward goes down."

Hazel rubbed her face, "let's hope it doesn't last long, they said it would be three weeks until we reassess, but who knows."

"We can only hope, there's only so many of us and you know how fast my guys go down without company." Lizabeth's tone was a mix of anger and worry.

Hazel sighed, "you don't need to tell me, maybe you'll get more staff?"

The look Lizzy gave her took Hazel all she needed to know.

Six weeks later

The walk between wards had become less of a way to pass the time and turned into a lifeline, a few moments away from the bright colours and loud noise to rest in the quiet of a place now devoid of anyone else but unconscious patients and staff.

Hazel and Lizabeth clinked their paper cups together and swigged their coffees, "so much for three weeks, it's looking grim here."

Lizabeth rubbed her face, "yeah, it's feeling grim too but we're trying."

Hazel drummed her fingers against the wall, "I know I'm not suppose to ask but how's Mr Russo doing?"

Lizabeth looked at her friend, she noticed how her eyes would flick to his room every now and then, "like the rest of them. My day is a mess of backsliding and fielding calls from people wanting to come and see their loved ones."

A few moments passed before Hazel spoke, "you need more people right?" Her friend nodded, "I'll come in, admin will be fine with me coming in as long as they don't need to pay me. I'll finish my shift then start a four hour volunteer one. Give me two patients and I'll read to them."

Lizabeth smiled, "as long as Russo's one of them?"

She knew Hazel didn't mean anything malicious by it, she just wanted to return the favour for helping her on the train. "Yeah, I owe him and I never got to thank him for helping me, better that that never right?"

Lizabeth chuckled, "sure. I'll get the paperwork for you when we walk by the desk."

Hazled smiled, "thank you Lizzy."

Two days later

Hazel took a deep breath, book in hand and walked into Billy's room. She had no idea where she was going to start or what to say, she felt kind of silly but nevertheless, she owed him something and she was going to pay him back. 

She pulled up a chair and sat by the bed, taking his hand in hers, "I'm Hazel, you probably don't remember but you helped me a few years ago on the train when I got lost. I meant to call you but I lost your card when I was unpacking and when I looked up your company but I couldn't find your direct line and I didn't want to be weird." 

Billy could hear her voice as her name entered his ears and her face flashed through his skull, "as lost as a bee in the dark." He wanted to respond, squeeze the warm hand in his, do anything to let her know he was there but he couldn't 

Hazel sighed, "I know you have people but they're not allowed here right now so I thought I'd fill in, not that I'm much of a substitute. I brought a book, I didn't want to pick anything that would bore you but I was worried about nightmares, so I picked Murder on the Orient Express. I figure if you haven't read it, working out who the killer is will give your brain something to do." 

Billy wanted desperately to speak, to let her know that nothing could be worse than the darkness he felt as the hours passed him. 

She cleared her throat, "I spend most of my time reading to children, so you'll have to forgive if you feel like you're listening to a Disney movie." 

"Better that Frank reading me the paper." Billy thought to himself. 

"It was five o’clock on a winter’s morning in Syria. Alongside the platform at Aleppo stood the train grandly designated in railway guides as the Taurus Express. It consisted of a kitchen and dining-car, a sleeping-car and two local coaches. 

By the step leading up into the sleeping-car stood a young French lieutenant, resplendent in uniform conversing, with a small man muffled up to the ears of whom nothing was visible but a pink-tipped nose and the two points of an upward-curled moustache." 

The story went on and Billy felt like he had a movie playing in his head, her voice faded in and out but he always managed to stay tethered to its strands until a buzzing sent him flying back into his withering shell, "I'm sorry Billy, that's my cue to leave but I'll be back tomorrow ok and we'll pick up where we left off." 

She squeezed his hand one last time and stood up, and Billy willed himself to move at least one finger, and to his despair, it happened just as her footsteps faded away. 

Part 2

#a voice through the nothingness #billy russo #the punisher #fix it fic #billy russo imagine #billy russo fanfic #billy russo smut #ben barnes #the punisher fanfiction #billy russo x ofc #frank castle #karen page #everybody lives/nobody dies #curtis hoyle #daredevil

[luv-eddiediaz]

Imagine Me&You...

I legit lost the post that gave me this idea. I thought I had liked it since it was from a user I don't follow, but alas! I cannot find it. So, whoever it was pleading to Tim for like this dream/alternate universe thing, while I am not a 911 writer or show runner, I wrote a thing, cause I had to. If you don't like that I wrote a thing, send me a message and I'll take it down. Otherwise, I hope you find this, and I can tag you properly to thank your mind :)

This is not Buck's room. Buck has no idea whose room this is or how he got there. The last memory he has is the fire from their last call, and the flames eating away at everything. He remembers Eddie yelling that the beam above them was about give way, and given the dull ache underneath his skull and the veil of fog around his brain, Buck is pretty sure that when it did, it hit him square in the head. Hard too.

So, Hen probably insisted they bring him to the hospital, while Chim half joked that a hit that hard wouldn’t make much of a difference, and then when he was released someone brought him here - wherever the hell that is. 

He sits up and tries to find something he recognizes within the sea salt walls, and colonial blue sheets, but nothing looks familiar, and it’s starting to make him feel a little bit nervous. 

A prism of color caught in a sliver of dawning sunlight catches his attention to a frame on top of a heavy wooden dresser on the other side of the room. He pulls back the covers and pads over to it, but just like everything else he has no idea what he’s really looking at. It’s him and it’s Eddie, and they’re dressed in suits and there’s a Christmas tree in the background, and god, Buck doesn’t think he’s ever seen either of them look as happy as they do, standing there holding hands. 

Wait - is that? Buck squints closer to the picture to see if he’s seeing what he thinks he’s seeing when a glint of something else catches his eye again, and he finds a silver band sitting lonely in a small, wooden bowl. He rolls it between his fingertips; it’s clean, save for a few worn down scratches, and when he slips it onto his finger, it’s warped to a perfect fit. This is his ring. 

Why the hell does he have a wedding ring?

Why is this picture of him and Eddie in this bedroom?

Who’s bedroom even is it? 

“Hey, you’re awake,” Eddie’s soft voice breaks through Buck’s racing thoughts instantly bringing him peace, “I was starting to get worried.”

“H-how long was I asleep?” Buck asks, and he’s comically thankful when he opens his mouth and his voice still sounds like him. 

“Almost twenty hours now. Your vitals were fine though, so I just let you sleep it off.”

“You checked my vitals?”

Eddie laughs, and he’s closer now, “of course,” he answers, his breath ghosting Buck’s ear as he wraps his arms around Buck’s waist and presses a gentle kiss to his temple. It’s completely wrong, but feels absolutely right, and Buck closes his eyes to the moment. 

“and I’d really appreciate it if you stopped getting hurt,” Eddie adds.

“I’ll uh- I’ll try.”

“Good. Are you up to helping me with breakfast? The kids will be up soon and Christopher still hasn’t forgiven me for burning the french toast last weekend.”

“Yea, sure.”

Buck shivers when Eddie lets go. He finally turns away from the dresser to try and look at him, but the curtains are still drawn and there isn’t enough light to make out much more than his silhouette as he watches him walk out of the room, and hold up - did Eddie say kids? 

Buck is met with a sage colored wall full of photographs as he follows out of the bedroom; the years he missed when Christopher was a baby with Eddie and Shannon, more recent photos of him at the beach with the two of them, and then another baby he doesn’t recognize, but knows he should. He runs his finger along the cool glass of himself holding this strange, tiny baby wrapped up in hospital blankets and a lilac hat.

“You coming?” Eddie asks from the end of the hallway.

“Yea,” Buck answers.

“What is with you and the pictures today?”

“Just re-orientating myself, I guess.”

Eddie saunters back toward Buck, their shoulders hitting agaist each other, “well, here’s a little refresher for you then; that’s you, that’s me  -your husband in case you forgot - our son, Christopher, and our daughter, Nicole.”

“When did we get married?” Buck blurts out.

“How hard did you hit your head? Maybe I should take you back to the hospital.”

“No, I’m fine. Just a little fuzzy.”

Eddie sighs and takes Buck by the wrist to even more photos on the mantel of a stone fireplace. He points to one in the middle that has them both in the same suits in front of the same set of palm trees as the one in the bedroom, only instead of holding hands, Buck is kissing Eddie on the cheek while Eddie feigns a look of disgust. 

“June 10, 2020,” Eddie tells him, “best day of my life. Even in the middle of a global pandemic.”

“I think it was mine too,” Buck says, and he’s caught off guard when Eddie kisses him again, this time catching Buck’s lips with his, and whispering, “I love you” when he lets them go.

“I love you too,” Buck says back, and he never even knew until now just how true it was. 

Maybe it’s a dream or a hallucination. Maybe he’s in a coma, or hell, maybe he’s dead, but Buck slips into this slightly different, but wonderful world where he wakes up and makes his family breakfast, soothes his baby daughter when she falls wobbling to a plush dalmatian wearing a fire hat. This world where he talks Christopher to soccer practice because Eddie has been banned from arguing with the ref too many times, and then he walks down the aisles of Home Depot holding his husband’s hand before they all go to Buffriday at Maddie and Chim’s where his kids play with his niece, and they go back home to watch a movie with Christopher while Eddie rocks Nicole to sleep singing her an off key lullaby. 

And with the kids asleep, and the house mostly picked up, Buck lets Eddie kiss his throat and paw underneath his t-shirt until he suggests they take a shower, and Buck agree without a second thought. 

His skin burns before he even steps foot underneath the hot spray, and he knows it isn’t real as he slips his hands over Eddie’s naked, soapy body, so he kisses him hard and fast afraid that any moment he might crash back into his reality. 

Which, he knows he’s going to have to eventually, but he vows, right there on his knees, that when he does, he’s going to everything he can to make this world the real one. 

Clean, exhausted, and coming down from the high of one another, they climb into the bed and curl close like their rings nestled in the bowl on the dresser. 

“This was a good day,” Buck muses. 

“Everyday is good when it’s us.”

Buck laughs, “you’re so corny.”

“But you love me anyway.”

“I love you anyway.”

“Goodnight, Evan.”

“Goodnight, Eddie.”

#911 fox #buddie #buddie fic #alternate world #married #fluffy #long #sorry about that #but also not sorry #@clearlyivemadesomebaddecisions #Found you! #Thanks to @justsmilestuffhappens!

[lamalefix]

A whisper of smoke 2/5

[Buddie fic; Heavy Angst; Angst with a Happy Ending; Hurt/Comfort; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Established Relationship; Major Character Injury; Blood and Injury; Eddie’s POV; I don’t know how to English; I Don’t Even Know how to tag; I don’t even know why; Author.exe has stopped working]

read ch1

[read this work on ao3]

Eddie proceeds by the sheer force of inertia.

Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and it’s been months. In a blink of an eye and at the same time in what seems like an eternity, it’s been months. Something changed there’s a new life: Maddie and Chim’s baby girl, but something didn’t change.

He no longer sleeps. Or, at the very least, he’s exhausted when he wakes up every morning. Three hours a night is enough, three hours a night is enough to be able to work, the least that he can do at work. At night he reads scientific articles, inquires, studies, reviews, meta-analysis. And now he knows there was a woman in 2017 who recovered completely after a month-long coma after a severe cardiac arrest and hypoxia. And even if he knows Evan is out of time, but maybe he’s just as resilient. He read and re-read that article on communication in comatose patients, the one Evan read just before the fire, just before the accident, just before hell broke loose.

Everything changed in those months, and yet everything it’s still the same.

He goes to wake Christopher before turning in the kitchen to prepare breakfast, and looks into the fridge and pantry, and decides that today is a good day to go shopping, he’ll go to the hospital in the evening before coming back home. Today needs to be a good day. Maybe he should also buy the pancakes mix, although Christopher has stopped asking for them by now, but maybe this is due to Eddie’s disastrous culinary ability rather than the fact that it was Buck who made him the best pancakes in the world. But Chirstopher will never say it aloud, rather his child who was once sunny preferred to stop asking. He stopped with pancakes, with movie nights, with ideas for school projects, all he does is play with his Lego and do homework in his room. He has stopped being the usual ray of sunshine, the usual cheerful and courageous child, he has lost that light in the eyes.

And Eddie’s heart became a little smaller and perhaps he just must find the courage to react, to take that step that is delaying and postponing and postponing, ignoring Maddie and what his conscience continue to suggest.

Days have passed. Weeks. Months.

Months, Dios.

He must find a way to get his shit together, to go on for him and for Christopher. For Christopher who does nothing but play with his Lego, do his homework and draw in his room, who has become quieter and has lost that sparkling light in his eyes. He no longer has nightmares, or at least they are not as intense as before, and not even so frequent, but he has lost that light in his eyes. And the only flash of joy is when he goes to visit Buck, in the hospital, in the hospital in a long-term intensive care unit that certainly isn’t a place for kids like him, and chooses his books and gets help to get on the bed as close as possible to Buck, and with a disconcerting delicacy he takes his place near his Bucky and begins to read, the book open for both to see. Even if Buck has his eyes closed.

But Eddie can’t let himself go, astray, he must stop feeling that way. He must go back to having control over his life, otherwise he will bring Christopher down too.

It was difficult to find the words, but Chris understood, because Christopher is so smart and resilient and is a fighter. And he said to Eddie with his big grey eyes, “Then let’s fight with him”.

“Mornin’ daddy” mumbles his child as he drags himself with the unmistakable ticking of his crutches in the kitchen. He is already fully dressed, and although he slept tonight, even his sleep doesn’t seem to have been restful, beneath the slightly fogged glasses there are dark circles under the eyes.

“Hey buddy! You are all ready for school!” he says ruffling his hair, deliberately upsetting something he has so painstakingly combed. He wants to see him laugh, he doesn’t want to think about his eyes that are so distant and empty and tired, he wants to get his son back.

“Oh, come on daddy...” Chris snorts, moving his hand, but squeezing his fingers in a comforting way. “I-I co-combed,” he mutters, chuckling, softly.

“Oh, I see it! That’s why I had to  you,” Eddie replies, smiling. "Come on, let’s have breakfast otherwise we arrive late to school and Miss Flores scolds me."

Christopher climbs the chair without too much effort, he’s grown a couple of centimetres in the last few months, and now these movements that were more tiring before, are way easier. He stretches to retrieve the cereal box and pours them into his cup.

“Here is the milk...” Eddie says, pouring a little over the cereals, and with his other hand she brings the sugar close to him. “Before going to work I’ll go shopping, do you have any special requests?” he asks.

And Christopher shakes his head. “C-Can we see a movie tonight?”.

Eddie smiles at him and reaches out to retrieve two tablespoons of cereal for himself. “Sure!”.

And Christopher’s eyes light up, shine like two little stars. “Really?”.

Eddie can only clench his jaw and pretend that the weird, painful thrill that gave him the unbelieving tone in Christopher’s voice is attributable instead to the coffee that returns hot and bitter in the throat. He heaves a small cough. “Sure,” he replies. “And we are together tomorrow too, I’m off… I received the newsletter from your school, there is an exhibition on the stars at the science museum, would you like to go?”.

Christopher smiles for a moment, but then his eyes turn sad, dull, empty.

“Hey, if you don’t feel like it, we’ll go again another time. We can have a quiet day only you and me. Maybe we can sleep late and play all day... maybe we can organize an exit to the park with Denny and Nia?” he mumbles.

Christopher shakes his head. “No, it’s fine, let’s go”.

“Great!” Eddie nods, jumping to his feet. “We have to hurry, you have to finish breakfast and brush your teeth. I’m going to prepare your backpack”.

“Everything is ready,” he replies.

“Oh really? But you’re all grown up then!” mutters Eddie bending over to kiss the top of his kid’s head. “Look here, you’ll grow taller than I am in no time!”.

Christopher snorts and continues to eat, without saying anything.

And Eddie maybe should go deeper, maybe he should ask him something, but for now he decides to let it go and let his son come to him. He never was a pressing father, he is apprehensive, but never pressing. “I’m going to finish getting ready, it will end up you’ll have to accompany me to work and do the shopping if you get so big all together!”.

Eddie slips into his room and finishes getting ready. He doesn’t look at the bed, at the absence in his bedroom, he decides to take a last look at the school newsletter. The science museum labs should give Christopher some light back, he likes the stars, or at least that’s what he thought a few nights ago, when he was in bed and couldn’t sleep. And all the videos on his phone, the videos of the three of them together, broke his heart again, the emptiness pressing in the bed, the silence so loud and oppressive in that room. He had found a good reason to avoid that particular activity, actually, that night, but right now he doesn’t remember what it even was. Perhaps because he has decided that today must be a good day, or perhaps because it was not a good reason, the one that he had found. It was just another way out, but for himself, not for his son, his marvellous and resilient son. In any case, he doesn’t remember now.

When he returns to the kitchen, he doesn’t expect to see Christopher staring at his cup still full of all moist cereals, the straw in his hands while his shoulders shake as he sniffs.

“Chris? Hey buddy?” Eddie calls him softly, and is a little afraid to identify how much his voice is trembling as he says his son’s name. “What’s going on, mijo?”

“I don’t want to go. At the museum… we… we had to go with Bucky” he mumbles. “I’m sorry, daddy but… but Bucky will enjoy it and… I like it when he explains everything and… and I want that, I want to wait for Bucky, can’t we wait for him?”.

And it is the first time he has seen him, his strong, beautiful kid, so broken, so shattered, so fragile. Small, so tiny, he sees behind that mask of strength and resilience that has been built around him or that perhaps is precisely his character. And then Eddie crouches next to him and embraces him, and his son breaks himself into a thousand pieces in his arms and cries louder and sobs and sniffles. Here was his good reason. They had to go with Buck. They even talked about it, about the exhibition about the stars with thematic workshops. One evening, while they were out in the backyard looking at the stars, Evan who, with his gentle low voice, had Christopher in his arms and pointed to the sky. And Eddie’s heart aches in his chest. He forgot. He forgot Evan, he forgot his soft smile when he said they could bring Christopher to the science museum.

“We won’t go there, it’s fine. Okay, let’s stay home tomorrow,” he replies, the air that scratches the back of his throat. “There is no hurry. We’ll go to the show when we’re ready, okay? When he comes back to us,” he says slowly. And he was so wrong to believe that they were ready for a good day, both of them. “Come on, finish eating, and let’s go. Or your teacher will be angry with me if we are late”.

“Can I go see him today?” Christopher asks quietly. “After school, it’s Friday so aunty Maddie doesn’t work today, can I go, dad?”. It’s like a plea, a prayer.

And Eddie nods. “Okay, after school you go read your book to him, huh?” he decides “Then I’ll come pick you up after work and we go eat a pizza, mh?”.

And Christopher lights up, as if he had told him something incredible, as if he had said that he would take him to a theme park, to Disneyworld or whatever it is. Instead, he only gave him permission to go to the hospital, to visit him.

 He drives silently, then, all the way from home to school, Christopher looks out the window and occasionally sniffs. He chose a book to read to Buck and put it in his backpack, before getting into the truck.

When they arrive at the school gates, his son takes the backpack and gets down without help.

Eddie bends down to hug him, as every time and Christopher strokes his cheek and looks him in the eye for a moment. “Be careful at work,” he says slowly, in a shaky voice.

This is a new thing that tells him since he has been in therapy or, better, since Buck is in the hospital. It’s all different, since Buck’s is there. And this little charm, his small words, murmured while he cups his cheek, are like a small blessing. Buck doesn’t have his back at work, but he can do it even without stretching out his hand to get Evan’s, he just needs to be careful.

Eddie mimics his gesture and strokes his cheek in return. “You pay attention at school,” he winks.

And Christopher snorts a small laugh and begins to stroll towards the entrance. “I am a good student!”.

Eddie doesn’t reply, while waits there see him enter and then he gets back in the car, but pulls straight in front of the supermarkets, he decides that he must see him today too, in the morning, before his shift. He too must go to Evan.

He sends a message to abuela, to ask her to do some shopping for him, which means that she will fill the fridge and the pantry with real things to clean, season, chop and cook like an adult, and a lot of homemade meals already ready to be put in the microwave. (He can already imagine Tìa Pepa groaning, but that’s okay).

And then he calls Maddie. He never calls her, they have a kind of silent non-aggression pact, they have divergent views on Evan’s condition and no, they don’t talk much.

Maddie’s speeches are yielding, they have the bitter taste of defeat. But she always likes to accompany Christopher to visit Evan.

“Eddie?” comes her voice.

“Hi Maddie, Christopher would like to come with you to the hospital this afternoon, if you’re available,” he murmurs, as monotonous as possible.

“Sure! Sure!” she says, her voice ringing. “Eddie, listen...”.

“I know, Maddie, I’m not ready” he mumbles softly. “I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want... I don’t want to, even think about it. I don’t” he adds more categorically.

“Eddie...” she sighs. “Let’s have coffee before you have to go to work, mh? You’re coming to the hospital, aren’t you?” and it’s rhetoric question, of course. When Maddie stays there at night, Eddie is the one who takes over in the morning.

 .

.

.

Eddie has never loved hospitals, and he is more than certain that anyone who has ever proclaimed said love has never found in a situation like his, like theirs.

It’s very hot in hospitals, and waiting rooms are always so oppressive, sick.

They all have that unmistakable smell of plastic and disinfectant, and scots pine to cover the stale smell. And no matter how accustomed he is to waiting, now, no matter how quickly his brain adjusts to the smells, and no matter how much he believed he would get used to spending hours in there, there is still that mixture of smells pinches his nose. And he decides not to focus on that stinging pain in his chest.

Hours have passed, days have passed, weeks have passed. And if Eddie really concentrates, he could even say how many minutes, how many seconds have passed since they brought Evan in there, in that hospital. Or at the very least since Eddie, after collapsing, woke up, half sedated in the triage area, a small concussion and some bruised ribs, the verdict of his condition. A week off. And he hoped he would bring Buck home with him at the end of the week.

Instead, that week went by followed by many, many others, and he sees people whirling and murmuring in that waiting room. His condition is a strange one, he knows and doesn’t know, altogether, how long he spends there in the waiting room. He could say he knows all those faces that move around him, all those voices, and at the same time he doesn’t know anyone. Or maybe he just recognizes nobody, other than the worried, devastated, tired expression that is perhaps the same one he wears.

Whichever time Eddie is there, every time they chase him out of the little room where Evan is sleeping, there is always a constant swirl of people. People who come and go, who are welcomed and accompanied by doctors and nurses, and every time Eddie sees a white coat, his heart jumps in his chest. In hope and fear, in fear and hope. He hopes that they tell him that he is awake, that he finally responds to treatment, that soon, soon they will finally see the end of this continuous limbo in which they find themselves. And he fears, with all that he has in his body, every inch of his skin, every little cell and its micro-organisms, he fears that they will tell him that there is nothing more to do, that their time together is over, no tomorrow.

And when someone speaks to him now, Eddie responds in monosyllables, he answers because he goes with the current, shipwrecked by that sea of unspoken things, of lost time, of decision made too late, of movements that he may had made wrong.

And if he closes his eyes he feels his presence, he feels strong and clear even when Eddie isn’t sitting in that oppressive little room in which they put him, in which he is all grey, including him who is usually colorful and flamboyant, who has that infectious smile and those warm hands, the cheerful eyes and the clear and strong voice, the chatter that fills the air are now just an old memory that digs inside him with such precision, with such diligence that it seems like a torture. And gradually his heart becomes smaller and smaller and his knees tremble, inciting him in his constant escape, even if he is motionless and stands there and waits.

And waits.

And waits.

And waits.

For days, weeks, months, for so long it hurts.

 .

There is a moment, in the morning when he wakes up, those few times that he has the courage to go to bed, in their bed, that he forgets that absence. Because even if he isn’t there, even if Evan isn’t there at home with him, even if he is distant, and he sleeps and at the same time doesn’t sleep in a hospital bed, he is still so close. There is that moment, that wonderful and painful moment when Eddie doesn’t remember, doesn’t remember that he went to bed alone and that if he reached out, he would feel the mattress, the sheets, Evan’s place in the bed cold, so cold and empty. Perhaps it is because it’s their routine, his continual repetition of their routine, which anchors him to reality and also makes him live in a series of gestures, makes him retrace all those gestures that he hasn’t done for hours, days, weeks, months. And so he imagines, or maybe it is his brain that grants him this feeling of peace, he imagines that it is always one of those mornings in which they have more time, that they do not have to run to the truck and take Chris to school, and can afford a lazy morning in pyjamas, a pile of waffles, puffy and soft, in front of them on the coffee table, while more than looking at something they just browse the Disney + catalog and end up, like all the other times, looking at reruns of Avengers Assemble.

Then, then after that perfect moment of blissful ignorance, clouded by fatigue, he remembers that the bed is empty. And it’s been hours, days, weeks, months and the bed is always this cold. And hi breath hitches at the back of his throat.

Nobody can fix his heart, nobody can unbreak all those bits, nobody except Evan.

And that’s why he proceeds by the sheer force of inertia, the old routine that kicks to take back its rightful place. A few exercises in the morning, showering, breakfast, and in a hurry at school and then, if he has time, he can pay a quick visit to the hospital, before the shift at the station, like today.

And when his day is awful, and he can’t reach out and take Evan’s, because the shift is too long and he sleeps too little, and Buck is not there to make his day better, to tell absurd facts, talking continuously and filling his head with thoughts, stealing that little peck in front of the lockers, or chaining a series of kisses on his neck, as soon as they come back from a bad call, he goes over their morning routine again and again.

He retraces their morning routine, retraces every single step with his thoughts and does his best not to think, not to look at his hands, the blood that is encrusted in the beds of his fingernails, and at the same time too much time has passed for him to see it, but he feels like Lady Macbeth, and can swear he can still see those marks on his hands. And as much as he disinfected them, his hands, soapy and clean, in all those days, until they started to hurt, he can swear to still see the stains of his blood, crusted at the base of his palms.

And every time he thinks about their morning routine, then he comes to think about that push, Buck who kicked him out of that house just in time to prevent both of them from being crushed by debris. He goes through everything that happened afterwards, he thinks about the fact that maybe, with the right sling, with a rope, he could have thrown himself in there and pulled Evan out, intervening first.

And they needed to move quickly, because in these cases it is the timing that matters. A minute can change things. And they wasted time, they wasted a lot of fucking time. Dios.

And every time he hopes, that little, big selfish voice that murmurs under his skin, he hopes to have gotten Evan in the hospital in time, anyway. He hopes it for Evan and for his own heart, for Christopher and for Maddie, but above all because Eddie will never have the strength to overcome this thing. If he doesn’t come home, Eddie is done, finish, caput. And it’s not a figure of speech, because as long as Christopher isn’t big, and strong, and able to look after himself on his own, Eddie will have to continue to exist, his world will continue to turn as he did in that huge before, in that part of his life before Buck.

With Shannon it was already over when her life came to an end. But with Buck it was just started.

And Eddie could list them, the days they spent together. Nights, he could count them in his hair, he could remember them one by one. Every single moment since that evening, an evening like many others when Buck was at home, after a gruelling shift of thirty hours, and Eddie was at work instead. And Eddie had made a shitty, a very big shitty fucked up decision, which now he doesn’t even have the courage to remember. When he doesn’t think he usually makes fucked up moves, and this one he did to do his job, to be a hero, and maybe a jerk.

And it was like going back, like ending up in that fucking field hospital again, after the accident with the helicopter, it was like ending up on the ground with a series of burning wounds. He doesn’t remember it, and maybe this is other material for Frank, because he remembers everything else.

He remembers never having seen Evan so pissed, the halogen light of the hospital casting a golden glow behind him, he was quivering in anger while his eyes were shimmering with tears. And he remembers having thought, clearly that he looked like a kind of avenging angel, his giant-like physique broken by sobs while shouting at him, his hair curled in a corner, because clearly when they called him, he was sleeping.

That was when Eddie realized how beautiful Evan truly is. He had never thought anyone could seem so wonderful.

He remembers thinking he had wasted time, while his arms didn’t respond to him, while his body was unable to react, however much he wanted to hug him. And Eddie is certain that it was at that moment that he managed to give a name to what he felt, to what he feels even now. And maybe he asked himself or said it out loud, he doesn’t remember it, his heart on his lips, since when, Evan, how long have I fallen in love with you? And when Evan brought him home a few nights later, the two of them spoke. And their feelings found themselves halfway, in a gurgling of sounds never heard, in a rumbling of swearing and insecurities.

It was like finally getting home, his heart finally at peace.

And now…

.

. 

.

The cafeteria at that time of morning is already full of people, doctors and nurses having breakfast, relatives who spent the night there, as Maddie did this time. She does it when she has the next day off, she gets off from work and goes directly there. Then in the morning someone usually takes over. Usually it’s Eddie who takes his place, sitting beside Evan and then when he has to go to the station leaves him with one out of Carla, abuela, Pepa, or Athena.

It doesn’t take long to find Maddie, she sits at the usual small table on the corner, in the corner of the two windows overlooking the prehensile garden of the hospital.

They talked several times there, every time Evan doesn’t respond to medications, every time there is a small improvement, every time he has a fever, every time he gets worse, every time he seems to get better. And they always end up talking about cutting off the life support, turning everything off and letting him go, letting him make one last heroic gesture. Let him donate his organs, because that’s reasonably what Evan wants.

“Hey,” she says, smiling, with that affable smile of hers, which must be a family trait, and gestures for him to take a seat in front of her. She has a takeaway cafe in her hands and another that is clearly waiting for Eddie.

“Maddie, thank you for bringing Chris here this afternoon.” murmurs. “I’ll take him back, when I get off work, today I have a short shift...”.

“Eddie,” she begins to say, holding out the other coffee to him. “I read the article you said, that one about brain activity and communication in comatose patients… and...” she sighs softly. “We can try, I thought we can try, we could ask the doctors to do that procedure, to let them perform an MRI, maybe tomorrow, so ... so we are present and...” she continues to say.

Eddie looks at her. And he knows it, that it hurts him as much as it hurts her to see Evan like this, so motionless, dull, empty, like a shell.

“But Eddie, you know that if they confirm that there is no more brain activity, we have to let him go, right?” she mutters, looking at him with her soft brown eyes. “He would like to donate his organs, saving lives in the process, his last heroic act. But I think he left us the choice” and before Eddie can object, argue, that he knows it, he knows that Buck would like to donate organs and save lives, and so on, Maddie continues “He wouldn’t want to live like that, attached to a ventilator, to leave us to dumbing down out of waiting... Eddie it’s been months, you know... the percentages... every single day he has very little chances, and yet I know, I know if one could survive this hell, this thing… that definitely is Buck.” she adds, looking down at her coffee.

“We have to fight,” Eddie declares, stoic. He doesn’t like resigned speeches like these.

“Eddie...” she calls him.

“We aren’t leaving him, not yet. The doctor said it, all the doctors who visited him... we are not sure... he... Evan is strong and...” he mumbles slowly, trying to keep calm, trying to keep calm because what she is saying, what she’s trying to say is… heinous, atrocious, excruciating. And Eddie doesn’t want to hear it. And anger mounts in his throat, a hallucinating, frightening anger. And in his heart he knows, what Maddie says, she says it because she loves him, as much as Eddie does, on a very different level but... but it’s throwing in the towel, it’s abandoning him, it’s letting him go. And it’s early, too early, and they had so little time together. And Eddie knows this isn’t going to last forever, but he just has to try. To do something about it. He never seems to do enough.

She purses her lips and heaves the air out in an almost irritated sigh. “Eddie ...”.

“We can’t abandon him, Maddie. We can’t stop fighting. Give him some time, give him some more time.” he says, and in his ears this rings like a prayer. “Please, Maddie. Let’s give it some more time”.

“Eddie you know, his condition... at the moment is...” Maddie stops and her voice trembles. “If we do this MRI thing and it confirm that there is no brain activity, we have to let him go,” she replies, a monotonous tone, such a resignation in her voice.

“But we don’t know yet, maybe they do this one more specific MRI and he reacts, so what do we do? The doctors said that we can’t know for certain, there was this case, this woman in 2017...” he begins to say but Maddie tries again to stop him.

“Eddie” she calls him again, moving her hands onto Eddie’s holding them for just a moment.

“No. No.” he replies, and maybe growls, maybe shouts. He doesn’t know it either, he only knows that his voice scratches his vocal cords, and it comes out strangled at the end. “You want to abandon him, you always leave him.” It gets away from his lips and he doesn’t have the courage, the strength, to look at her, after saying that bullshit.

Maddie moves back in her sit, and holds the cardboard cup in her hands, closing her eyes.

And Eddie has an immense need for air and really needs to start thinking before speaking.

“You’re right,” she murmurs in a whisper. Her eyes full of tears, before blinking and wiping the corners of her eyes with the fingertips. “You’re right I... I always leave him, I abandon him... I... I promised and yet… I’m giving up on him” she shakes her head. “We have to fight for him, with him. You’re right...” she nods. “But, we have to face reality, Eddie… if there is no brain activity, we have to follow what we know he would want, we have to...” she sniffles a bit and moves to retrieve a couple of napkins to wipe her tears off her face. “We love him so much Eddie, I know it. I know how much you and Christopher love him… how much the rest of the 118 love him… but we have to let him go, Eddie, to allow him to make one last heroic gesture. He... would be happy. Even if that means he’ll leave us, even if that means that at least half of our hearts will go with him”.

Eddie clenches his jaw and closes his eyes. He knows, he knows damn well that Evan would want that. “I just want more time, Maddie”.

“I also want that, you know. I want to see him happy with you, I want him to accompany me to my wedding. I want him to know my kids, when and if I’ll have them... I want a lot of things for him, I want him to be here when these things happen. I want... I want him to finally understand how important it is for all of us,” she adds and her eyes are all shiny, she wipes the tears from the corners of her eyes again, and sighs. “But, Eddie you know, you know he’s getting worse. He doesn’t react to somatosensory stimuli... he is no longer here” she finally says, her lips trembling and her voice breaking at the end.

“That woman too, in 2017, she also did not react yet...” he continues to say, this time in a whisper. In his head, his rationality murmurs that Maddie is right, but Eddie is selfish and he’s not ready. He never will be.

“Eddie,” she sighs, shaking her head.

“Give him some time, Maddie.” he murmurs. “We need time, Maddie”. And it sounds like I, I need time. And maybe as unspoken as it is, it’s true.

“Let’s do this test and that’s it, okay? It’s wearing us out, Eddie. It’s wearing him out. ” Maddie decides and swallows hard before standing up. “We have to start thinking about what he would like for us, as well as for himself... and while he’s slowly fading away, we are doing the same with him. It isn’t good for your son and it isn’t good for you, and it isn’t good for me. Knowing that he is, Eddie, he...” she shakes his head. “If there is no brain activity, we’ll let him go, and we’ll make him be the hero he is one last time”.

And Eddie would like to tell her that she can’t decide, for Evan and for himself, but in reality she has allowed Eddie to bask with his broken heart and in this abyss, in this dark and painful limbo, all this time. But he just nods. “It will be hard. But I’m good with bottling up everything”. He won’t need a heart anymore, if they’ll let Evan go.

“It will be hard,” she sighs. “You were the best thing that could happen to him, you know, right? But we can’t fight this battle for him”.

And Eddie purses his lips and gets up too, he has another place to go, perhaps for the last time. He bids her goodbye with a nod and tries not to feel how bad his heart hurts when it breaks, again and again.

.

.

.

It’s frightening how he knows that hospital by heart, now. And he could arrive in the waiting room without even thinking. He shouldn’t even stop by there and wait, he could just go in and go to him, but every time he stops there to collect thoughts and tries to pretend to be in control of this situation. As if Evan could see him, all broken like that or not.

And every time Eddie is there, that Eddie waits, no matter how much his legs tell him to run away, no matter how the voices of his insecurities, and all his unspoken words vibrate under his skin, it’s a continuous fluctuation of thoughts, memories and his head always goes to some fucking hideous place, then. After the calm there is always a storm.

Eddie has been present at countless deaths. First some of his closest relatives, who had left peacefully, the luckiest with so many happy years behind them, then civilians and soldiers, when the red sand burned his face and the air smelled like dust and flames, then of the victims, when it seemed that it could no longer hurt, and instead they still cloud some of his worst nightmares, the impotence of not being able to help them enough, to never be enough that still weighs on him.

Death first takes away the power to speak, people begin to rant, and perhaps he clearly remembers a young lieutenant on his first tour, when he was still not very familiar with the war zone, who had talked for hours without saying nothing, asking and asking and asking to bring it back to her. Whoever she was, until he lost his voice and the pain clouded his vision. His last words swallowed by the ventilator and the morphine. And then he stopped seeing, moving. The only thing that remains, until the end, and this he had discovered when he was still a child and his abuelo was dying in a hospital like this, is hearing. Even if the person has lost consciousness, it isn’t that unusual for familiar voices to elicit smiles or tears. Abuelo, a big persevering man, had listened until his last breath abuela’s sweet words, a 260 lbs and over 6 ft extremely severe man, had listened to abuela’s latest recommendations with a small smile on his lips, she had never said goodbye to him, only small recommendations as if he could be stubborn and uncooperative even in the afterlife.

And Eddie does not want to think about that terrible eventuality, which is more and more palpable, every day, the more hours pass and the more the abyss swallows him. In the continuous fluctuation of improvements, of high and inexplicable fevers, of positive responses to medicines, and rejections, of fingers that tremble when Eddie holds his hand, and sudden stillness, of those times that he seems about to wake up, and then nothing, his condition just worsens.

The only thing that matters is that he is still fighting, that the doctors still haven’t given up, they try and try to find a way to make him come back, but... but hope is scary, hope is scary and one shouldn’t never find himself in Eddie’s shoes, in Eddie’s very position, three steps back with someone, with Evan who would never want to go away who runs away from his hands, all that enormous love that slips between Eddie’s fingers.

Eddie has seen many, has seen more than he wants to admit, of wounds like Evan’s. And even if he wants to silence that voice, the field doctor in him knows perfectly well that if not treated quickly, sucking chest wounds can be lethal. Taking a quick first aid in the first few minutes and taking the injured person to the hospital can save lives and prevent long-term complications.

Evan came out on his shaking legs from that terrible hell, and now he is in danger of dying because they, because they didn’t move fast enough, they didn’t have the courage to run in there and get him out. Timing is important, and they’ve thrown everything, all of Evan’s efforts down the drain.

Eddie does everything to remain at the helm of his emotions and navigate calm waters, without having to go through them, those storms that cloud over the horizon, because if he were to give free rein to what he feels, the best thing that could happen to him is ending up in jail, after head-butting the centre of Bobby’s face. And this is the best-case scenario.

Because they wasted time and it’s Bobby’s fault. In every sense, that day, as before. They wasted time, a time that will never come back. And even if the doctors have been explicit, even if he knows those complications painfully by heart, those consequences, now more than he knew them before, with his work, with his previous life, he wants to ignore them.

Eddie definitely doesn’t want to think about the consequences, the complications, those horrible names they have, as they ring deep in his head. Because he is sure he has seen at least two or three symptoms of two or three different complications in an ambulance, and he doesn’t have the courage to remember. All that blood will cloud his nightmares for the rest of his life, that noise, that strangled noise of his breaking breath, his cough, will be forever in his mind, will accompany him for the rest of his life. And this is enough for him to have his sleep ruined forever, to no longer be able to work, to end up drifting, astray, he really doesn’t need to know anything else, to know more than he already knows, that the situation is a great fat mess and one has limited chance of surviving all that shit that is thrown at him. He must not think of whose fault it is, as far as he knows perfectly well that it’s theirs, that is all their fault. Them, who stalled, who waited too much, who could find a solution, but actually couldn’t.

But if one can get by, if one can survive all of this, that’s Buck. And if he struggles, if he struggles then they must fight too. But he almost immediately stopped reacting to stimuli, his electroencephalography, has only a couple of curled waves. And if Eddie would listen to his rationality, maybe he’ll just accept what Maddie has already accepted: the machines are what is keeping him alive.

But Eddie, Eddie who always runs away, is in for this fight.

And whatever happens tomorrow, whether there is brain activity or not, his life will return as before, as before Evan, or not. And as much as he wants to stay in control, he wants to stay at the helm, for himself and for Christopher, it’s so hard. Because if he loses Evan, he’ll lose himself a bit more.

 .

He already lost himself, a part of himself when the doctors came back that fateful day, when hell broke loose and Evan stopped breathing in the ambulance.

The doctors, an elderly sixty-something doctor with the solemn posture of someone who has seen these things a time too many, and a young surgeon instead, almost like a young girl just out of med school, with the flat and dim and tired expression of someone that puts everything she has in the job, they were very direct. They spoke with Maddie and with him the first time, and every subsequent time, with a certain kindness, they listened with kindness to the questions, which only Maddie asked, extremely punctual and technical, while grasping at Eddie’s hand firmly .

They talked about complications, all with high-sounding and frightening names. They spoke about pneumothorax, pleural effusion, a perforated and collapsed lung, they spoke of respiratory and cardiac arrest. They talked about further surgeries, which were necessary, but he was too fragile back then, he and his athletic six feet tall body was too fragile and might not survive. They spoke about saturation, about pressure, spills, transfusions, and cardiac activity. They talked about the need to defibrillate him, several times, because at least twice he flatlined but came back, Evan came back. They spoke about ataxia, hypotension, fluids that have accumulated in the chest cavity, and something that has a chilling and frightening name, something that concerns the brain and doesn’t give much hope, hypoxia. They talked about damage to vital organs, heart, and lungs. They spoke about the accumulation of smoke.

And they used, they still use, all those medical terms that are monotonous on paper only, but they are so fucking scary. They talked about coma, before he even went into a coma, about how his body could have reacted to all that stress, about how normal it is that, after a resuscitation, the body gives up and goes into reset. And later, sometime after that first surgery, after that chain of long operations, to bring him back without any success, they talked about solutions, to disconnect the machines, to donate the organs, to let him go.

And Eddie remembers, the sound of Maddie’s breath, her breath that broke between her teeth, as she collapsed on him and sobbed softly. When the possibility of never having him back with them has become increasingly palpable.

She who has been a nurse in a previous life and knows, knows what this means. Something Eddie doesn’t want to think about.

The young surgeon who then hastened to say more, her voice still heavy, of tiredness and shared pain, a pain that perhaps, with a little hope, she might not know as well as them.

They had stabilized him, she said.

And Eddie remembers having wrinkled his nose, and if he still thinks about it his eyes burn, because it’s clear that Evan still wants to fight today, that he is so strong and resilient, and… and…

But Eddie already knew then what they meant, even before entering there in that little room, even before hell broke loose and that... that he...

They had stabilized him to give him time.

They had stabilized him to give Evan time to recover before the next surgery.

They had stabilized him to give them time. That’s it, that’s how it sounded, and how it sounds in retrospect, as if that were the right time to bid their goodbyes, that maybe Evan would hear them say goodbye.

They said more, back then, but Eddie didn’t want to listen. Or maybe he heard, but he didn’t have the courage to process all that amount of information.

Thankfully, even now, when the doctors talk, they also talk to Maddie, and therefore he can’t listen, he can silence rationality and think only about Evan, abandoned in a bed in a long-term intensive care unit. And now even if he doesn’t want to listen, he knows the percentages and how they thin out every day that he is there on the bed, unconscious. Of how his response to medicines, to stimuli, to everything else, of how unique and different each patient is, and how young and strong Evan is.

But basically, the more time passes, the more it is difficult for him to return.

Eddie doesn’t have the courage to hope.

Indeed, he always tries to listen to that voice, his rationality, which mutters in his head. That he is intubated, and that can further aggravate his already precarious situation, as far as he knows, that he probably won’t wake up, they can talk, not him. But he can hear, like abuelo, he can hear. And Eddie hopes that Evan’s brain lights up like the night of the 4th of July, like in that article, every time he hears his voice, as well as all his loved ones’.

 .

  And every time it’s like the first time he got in there. Each time it’s like the first. Even today, of all the other days. 

The first time he stayed three steps behind, he followed the doctors and Maddie over the panic door of the surgical intensive care unit. Evan had just come out of an operating room, after hours of surgery, and therefore they got them disinfected, and that smell entered Eddie’s skin in that moment and never went away, and the surreal heat of that place crushed his chest, and still steals all the air from his lungs, every step was heavy, every step is heavier than the previous one, today as then.

In a medication room, a nurse helped them get prepared. Now this is no longer the practice, now that he is in another unit, but Eddie still disinfects his hands every time he goes to him. No longer follows the protocol of the SICU, he doesn’t have to wear gown, gloves and cover shoes, mask and cap, Evan’s situation is stable there, but they had to follow a much more strict protocol in the post-surgery to limit the germs that can be brought in there, in such a delicate space.

Eddie let her go in first, and Maddie, and walked behind her, with his head down because he didn’t have the courage to look, because he knew already know what he would see.

And every time it’s like this, and every time he doesn’t want to see him like that. He would never have wanted to find himself in this position, standing in a fucking hospital, waiting, hearing all those horrible words bubbling in his head in a chilling echo.

And every time before entering, he feels his knees fail, and he clearly remembers the strangled sound of Maddie’s hiccups when she first entered. He can feel his fingers tremble and tears in his eyes, every single fucking time. And every time he doesn’t focus on Evan, he doesn’t focus on what’s on the bed, he doesn’t even look at the bed, maybe he sees it, but he doesn’t perceive it.

Evan is perhaps the human embodiment of the concept of enthusiasm, vitality, joy. He manages to bring incredible light wherever he goes, he bonds with anyone, he is always so radiant. That’s it, Evan is the sun, he is the sun and all the stars, and it’s all this and much much more. Eddie doesn’t even have the words, the right property of language to describe him. He doesn’t even want to find them, the right words, in all honesty, he’s something transcendent. Transcendent is the right word. Evan is like a concept, a concept behind Eddie’s sanity.

 .

And maybe Eddie has a lot of that fear and devastation in his eyes, even today, after all those days, weeks, months, there is nothing but devastation and dread, anxiety, his breath burns in the back of his throat, which tightens, and the voice that gets caught in the vocal cords every time, in that exact moment before crossing the threshold.

And then he enters, slowly.

A step.

A step.

A step.

He focuses on the noise of his shoes, which almost creak on the linoleum. He doesn’t hear anything else, he doesn’t even hear the noise of the machines, the heart monitor, the ventilator, he doesn’t hear anything else because he has his heart that hammers in his ears, that fills his head. He feels his own breath, he feels himself living, he feels his life running through his veins, and Evan’s running away with every step, in that painful limbo.

A step.

A step.

A step.

Evan is no longer colourful, no longer flamboyant, no longer cheerful, no longer noisy, no longer enthusiastic. He is no longer him. That’s not Evan, on the bad, it is some kind of ghost.

Eddie focuses on hearing the sound of his own heart, he feels his jugular throbbing against the collar of the shirt he wears. He feels himself living, and he feels like dying at the same time, his breath that becomes shorter screeching at the beck of the throat.

If he was alone, back then, when he entered there, in that other little room in the SICU the first time, he would never have been able to stay there, to enter, if Maddie hadn’t been there, Eddie would never have entered alone. Because Eddie is someone who runs away, someone who runs and lets his fears get the upper hand. And this is perhaps one of his biggest fears. Yet perhaps, in his heart, he would never have found the courage to leave. Perhaps he would simply be annihilated in his own dread.

And there is no sound in that room, besides Eddie’s heart beating fast, rumbling in his head, in his ears, murmuring on his neck. There is no noise, or perhaps there is, in that almost sacred and silent environment that looks like a chapel.

The room is very small, and it smells like disinfectants. In front of the door there is a long and thin window, that takes horizontally almost the entire wall, and in the morning it lets in a soft natural light.

The air is thick and smells of medicines and something ferrous and sweetish.

 He moves his gaze from one wall to the other, against which is placed the white bed. It’s only with extreme slowness, that Eddie drinks in, every time, all the details of the room. The canary yellow dye that breaks into a thick white strip, to then turn straw yellow to the ceiling. The metal arm to which the various bags full of transparent solutions are attached full, each bag releases droplets at different times, at a very precise and distinct rhythm. The cardiac monitor tracks time in a very particular way. The ventilator that roars, the sound of the pump rising and falling and pushing air into his lungs.

It is strange how Eddie perceives things, he doesn’t identify immediately Evan, lying in that bed. He knows and doesn’t know at the same time what he will see. Like the first time he went into that other room, and looked at him, but he didn’t really see him, not immediately.

Now the room is more colourful. On the walls there’s a patchwork of Christopher’s drawings, on a thin shelf there are books for children and something that Chim and Hen are certainly reading to him, scientific publications, magazines of all sorts, and a vase with flowers, always fresh and colorful which abuela brings every Tuesday and Pepa changes every Friday. There is an unspecified number of stuffed animals, which Christopher brings him when he knows he won’t be able to stay long, and will have to leave him alone, and he doesn’t like to leave his Bucky alone. There’s that multicoloured patchwork duvet that Athena brought him to make his bed more welcoming. There are pictures, of May in college with a large group of friends, of Nia who is now older and chasing Hen and Karen’s dog with Denny, of Harry with Michael grilling ribs on the Grant house patio, of Christopher’s latest science fair, complete with a blue first prize cockade attached nearby. There are all the moments that he’s lost. Maddie keeps a journal and leaves it there, open for everyone’s update.

And after appreciating each time a small, new addition, without wanting to, because he is one who runs away, for the hills, approaches the bed, one step after another, and the sound that reaches his head is now the cardiac monitor’s that keeps telling him, that keeps reminding him that Evan is alive. Is alive. Is alive. Is alive. Is alive. Is alive…

It doesn’t look like him, that thing on the bed, doesn’t look like him. Because the hospital changes you, it changes you as soon as you enter, but at the same time it’s him. And he’s been there for so long, that his hair is long and all curly, and opaque, a thin veil of beard caresses his now sharper profile.

He is there.

He is simply there in a bed that looks just barely longer than he is, that looks like a cage for a bird, unable to fly away.

Evan is intubated. And when a patient is unable to breathe for himself intubation may provide lifesaving airflow, oxygen. However, the process itself is painful and carries its own risks, and ventilator adjustments are important for reducing lung injuries. There’s always the same nurse, a old caring woman, who takes care of him, that provides clinical management for him, that monitors his vital signs frequently, and adjusts the levels of oxygen, and uses a moistened gauze over his eyes. She is so patient and caring with him, that Eddie’s heart aches every time he sees her. And with her wrinkled face she shots Eddie a bright soft smile and murmurs something along the line of a blessing, because he is still fighting, he is still struggling all the way back home. And Eddie hopes that she’s right, that Evan is coming back home with him.

But when the old nurse leaves, he focuses on something else, he tries to remember that he can’t hope, that he must not hope because hope is scary, hope hurts. And he doesn’t have this luxury, they don’t have this luxury. Yet he is selfish and hopes, he hopes he won’t have to grow old without him, he doesn’t have to spend another night alone, he hopes he won’t have to tell his son, that maybe loves his Bucky more than Eddie, that his Bucky won’t come back, he hopes he won’t have to put the pieces of his broken heart in a bottle, he hopes to have more time. Time to live with him.

He moves his gaze and every time the first thing you can record is that big needle that keeps him connected to those bags hanging nearby, and every now and then moves gradually on the length of his arm, leaving a constellation of bluish bruises on his skin.

Evan’s hands, his wrists, his arms, Evan himself seems so slender, so thin, so tiny in that bed he hardly fits in. The skin is paper-thin, especially the skin on his hands is so fucking thin like tissue paper, almost transparent and the veins are swollen and bluish on the backs. The tattoos look like marbling streaks in alabaster, his birthmark seems extremely darker, on that skin so pale, almost whitish, and the always dark circles, always swollen, under his eyes are like bruises.

Eddie sits nearby, usually in that shoddy metal and plastic chair, but sometimes he has the courage to sit on the bed, near his bad leg, he touches his hand with his fingertips and barely intertwines their fingers, with a delicacy that perhaps he only used with Christopher when he was just born.

Eddie never has the perception of how long he stays there, sitting, with shortness of breath, the air that burns at the bottom of his throat, the silence that is pure noise in there, that absence that rains down on him every time, even if Evan is there, within his reach but at the same time miles away. But then he starts talking to him slowly, because maybe if he can hear Eddie, Evan finds his way home, he speaks to him slowly, sweet nothings or something more deep. He doesn’t know what he tells him, really, but at least he must have changed a bit what he said at the beginning. That constant apology, that constant murmur of not having been enough, of not having done enough. In all senses, but perhaps Evan doesn’t even think it, that Eddie didn’t do enough in all senses: that he didn’t love him enough, that he didn’t support him enough and not only that day, but all the others times.

And he talks and talks and talks. His voice an indistinct murmur for his ears, his lips against the almost transparent skin of his hand, and he looks at him, Evan sleeping and not sleeping at the same time. Once upon a time seeing him sleep was a source of unspeakable joy, being able to see him at a time when his defences were all lowered, where he was abandoned in a peaceful sleep, his neck relaxed, his jaw soft, the small expression that occasionally ruffled his forehead only a memory.

 And Eddie hopes, every single time he sits there, that it will happen again. That what happened the first time he entered that small room in the SICU, he hopes it will happen again and permanently this time, that Evan will open his eyes and look at him and never go away.

“Come back to me,” he murmurs on his knuckles, against his swollen bluish veins, under that transparent veil of paper-thin skin. “I need you”.

The other time Evan had grasped his hand, as if to stop those words that gushed like a waterfall from his mouth, apologies, remorse, fears. Eddie remembers losing all his words, forgetting the thread of the speech, a hope that sprouted in his heart. For that moment, at that moment, it didn’t matter, everything Eddie didn’t do to help him, to make him feel loved, to make him happy, it only mattered that he was stirring slowly, that he was waking up slowly. He remembers his voice as he tried to get him back to him, broken, all trembling, loving and kind, and something different, something more. And those small movements, very weak, under the eyelids, were their little miracle. And he remembers Maddie gasping softly, all tearing up.

That time, months, weeks, days ago, Evan opened his eyes. And it was the last time Eddie saw those eyes. His kind eyes, yet so different from the usual. Evan opened them slowly, with a disarming, painful effort. The inside of the eyelids was marked with an unnatural and bruised red, the irises were pale blue, almost greyish. But when Evan saw the two them in the periphery of his visual field, he seemed to smile: he who smiles with his whole body, his face that lights up, even if in that moment he could move only his eyes, he was smiling. Eddie and Maddie could have said that he was smiling.

He remembers the total absence of any noise coming from him, not even a slight groan, suffocated, and Eddie could remember thinking that he was awake, yeah, yet miles away. A concern rose in Eddie’s throat, in the back of his head, swelled in his chest and to which he hadn’t wanted to give name, to listen. Evan was clinging to him, yet his grip was so weak, it was like he was about to let go. And an impossible fear mounted deep in his whole body, something similar to what he had felt back in the ambulance. It was as if, as if... but he had decided not to think about it, to talk to him constantly, to tell him everything he could to convince him, to make him stay there, stay there with him, with them.

But it had been only a handful of minutes, his and Maddie’s voices a constant fond murmur, because he was awake, he had managed to come back, which got lost in an echo of beeps and screeching sounds, the same sounds that did the cardiac monitor in the ambulance.

And he will never forget the way Evan stiffened a second later, collapsing. And the world collapsed on Eddie. And, before they could do anything else, he and Maddie had been tossed out.

All those complications, all those ominous words, all those horrible eventualities. And trivially the voice of his rationality murmured in the back of his head, that he could only get worse.

The swirling of voices, the confusion still fills his ears, the high-pitched whistle of the cardiac monitor that goes further and further, but still pungent, while a nurse accompanies them outside those panic doors, will always remain with him, he will darken his dreams until his last breath.

And days, weeks have passed and Eddie is so tired, so tired of sleeping alone, so tired of not being able to hear his voice, and he’s so afraid of not remembering everything, of not being able to remember every single thing that Evan did for him, every single moment they shared, every tiny bit of their short love. And he is afraid that if he stops watching videos, hearing voicemails, he will forget his voice, the way his words roll up on his tongue, the feeling of his lips on him. He forgot about the science museum, already, he already forgot him.

And so, this time, slowly, as if it’s their last long goodbye Eddie speaks to him what he doesn’t really want to give voice.

And when he looks up and sees him, so pale and thin, so dull, Eddie feels like an empty shell too. A piece of himself will go away even with this infinite farewell, in a whisper of smoke. And Eddie hates himself because nothing is sure, maybe tomorrow they’ll know that Evan is still experiencing something, that his brain reacts on a different substrate, he just needs more time, he always sleeps like a rock so, maybe… maybe he can still hope.

And there’s so much left to say, there’s so much more he would say, but…

“I love you” he murmurs softly his lips on his forehead “I always will”. And in Eddie’s ears it sounds like grief. I’ll never love like this again. But he doesn’t want to tell him this, he wants to be like his abuela, comforting him, and not actually bid him farewell.

He kisses his forehead slowly, before leaving. Christopher told him that if Bucky is like Sleeping Beauty, then a kiss is enough to wake him up and every time he hopes it is enough, that suddenly he wakes up in a somewhat theatrical and dramatic way, a little cliché, like the romantic movies, like Hallmark movies, like Disney fairy-tales.

And when he leaves, he leaves him there, in that bed and today breathing is harder than usual.

A/N:

If you reached the end of this chapter, you are now (and again, I hope?) my favourite person! Before the usual closing rituals, can I be brutally honest with you? I imagined this chapter way differently in its first draft. I have it written in two (three, lets be honest, there are 3 different drafts of this chapter here) and none of them were of my taste. I don't think this version is better than the others, but I had to chose if I should have posted a middle, passageway chapter, right after the "incident", or something like a time jump chapter. It occurred to me that while I was writing the second draft I didn't have a line of dialogue in its whole 10k words, you can imagine how I panicked *ahahah*. In the end I opted for this solution that's somewhere in between the other two(?). I'm not a fan of telling and not showing things, but I guess I'll have to set my heart on this half show & half tell (???) thing XD So, please let me know if this is as shitty as I think it is (it probably is). I don't think it is clear enough in some points, and maybe a little heavy in the narrative (and that's more likely the case XD).

As always, stay safe and take care of you!

tagging @buckleystrand; @sparksfly-buddie; @chrrlees; @lieselfh and whoever wants to be tagged!

#buddie fic #9 1 1 fic #evan buck buckley #eddie diaz #heavy angst #angst with happy ending #trust me i'm a sucker for happy endings #there will be one #hurt/comfort #emotional hurt/comfort #established relationship #major character injury #lamalefixwrites #freaking long thing #over 10k words #sorry this isn’t that good #let's be real

[letsjustkeepitbetweenyouandi]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Buddie Recs For You

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Don't Take My Sunshine Away

Eddie is in a coma, and Buck blames himself. He should've been there to protect Eddie. The least he can do now is to be there for Christopher, even if Buck doesn't know if he has it in him to be a parent without Eddie. Buck makes Eddie a deal: he'll fight for Christopher in the real world, while Eddie fights to wake up.

Eddie's come a long way since those bleak days in El Paso, listening to his parents comments about how he's not fit to be a father. How Christopher doesn't deserve to be dragged down by the likes of Eddie and Shannon. Eddie thought after moving to LA, he and Chris had escaped that. When he wakes up and finds Buck neck-deep in a legal battle with his parents for custody of Christopher, Eddie must face his own mistakes, and find the confidence to stand up for himself against his absolute worst nightmare.

113k  -  21/21 Chapters

-

Leading with the Left

When Buck said he was a "bartender" in "South America" what he actually meant was "stripper" in "Mexico."

And when Eddie said, "What's your problem?" what he actually meant was, "Is this about the time you gave me a lap dance?"

In other words, there's a few things the 118 doesn't know about Buck. Or Eddie. Or Buck and Eddie's relationship.

84k - 18/18 Chapters

-

Six Different Ways To Mark Your Territory

Or "5 times Eddie was a possessive bastard, and Buck (being the oblivious puppy he is) didn't notice. And the one time he couldn’t help but notice."

5k - 6/6 Chapters

-

Tread Lightly

Healing after a truck bombing, breakup, pulmonary embolism, tsunami and lawsuit is a slow process when you're afraid to talk to your team when it feels like the world is crumbling in on you. Finding your way out of the crippling darkness is a lonely process when you're afraid you'll get benched again for something beyond your control. Learning to love again is a terrifying process when you're not sure your best friend will ever truly forgive you.

151k - 36/36 Chapters

-

Accidental

It was an accident. He slipped. That doesn't mean he isn't going to take advantage of the opportunity that presents itself.

---- Post Lawsuit, Buck accidentally cuts his arm. He decides that maybe not getting help is best for everyone.

--- TW for suicidal idealization and injury that turns into a suicide attempt.

36k - 14/14 Chapters

-

Left Unsaid

A woman shows up at the station with a picture of Buck on her phone.

It goes better than last time.

OR

The discovery of a small facebook group full of tsunami survivors rocks station 118.

33k - 7/7 Chapters

-

If The World Was Ending

Eddie doesn't realise how badly he's destroyed his friendship with Buck until his former partner has swapped stations, changed phone numbers, and moved homes without warning. It's nearly impossible to track Buck down and it's clear that Chris is suffering too. After Eddie is injured on the job, he has to start piecing together the broken pieces of who he is with the help of family and friends. Under those sorts of circumstances, a chance to repair his fragile friendship with Buck might be possible - but it won't be easy when Buck has a new boyfriend.

121k - 25/25 Chapters

Commentary: Right, I've read this one before, and I have conflicted feelings about it... the writing is really good, but well, they deal with Eddie getting amnesia, and there's not a real resolution of him getting al of his memories back, only some of them. Now, for me, that didn't really work out just as I wanted it, but I still liked the story, and like it's written really well with good character driven story and whatnot... So yeah, read at own risk

-

a leaf falls on loneliness

Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that.

But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.”

—you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting—

So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.

11k - 1/1 Chapters

-

The Space Between Sleep

It all started innocent enough but Buck can no longer deny it.

He has a stalker.

Someone so obsessed with him that they would spend hours and hours following him, unnoticed, taking pictures of him, taking notes of his habits.

But life has been so good lately, and Buck doesn’t want to worry anyone. So he tells no one about it, he can deal with it on his own.

38k - 11/11 Chapters

-

Reaching In The Dark

It all started innocent enough but Buck can no longer deny it.

He has a stalker.

Someone so obsessed with him that they would spend hours and hours following him, unnoticed, taking pictures of him, taking notes of his habits.

But life has been so good lately, and Buck doesn’t want to worry anyone. So he tells no one about it, he can deal with it on his own.

38k - 11/11 Chapters

Commentary: Okay, so, I think I've read this one before... and I can't remember if it's like quality or what it is... but imma leave it for you to figure out, cause there's a lot of other ones that I wanna read for you to make sure they're good, so... read at own risk!

-

I'll Be Your Arms, I'll Be Your Steady Satellite

Buck couldn’t believe how quickly the day had turned. When he had been thinking about what came next, this hadn’t been what he expected.

--- The 118 takes a call that changes everything, turning Buck's world upside down and pushing his life in a new direction.

54k - 25/25 Chapters

Commentary: So, this was the one where he had a kid, and like, man, dad!buck was a thing I didn’t know I needed that much, but apparently I did, cause man I love it so much! Also, now I really wanna read more dad!buck kid!fic’s, preferably where like Buddie is together, and they want another kid, and so they decide to do surrogacy with Buck this time, and like, have most of what happens in this fic happen, but with some additions to it that I wished they added, with there being more Christopher being a big brother... anyhow, read it! It’s very good and adorable!!!

-

Like We Never Loved At All

Prompt: The lawsuit is all a front to protect the team but they don’t know so they treat Buck harshly. Buck bares all of it until Eddie or Bobby just breaks whatever hope he has left. By the time the truth comes out Buck is gone. Fast forward to a year or more later Eddie and Christopher are out with the team when Chris sees Buck. He’s got longer hair and cold eyes but most importantly he’s pushing a baby carriage with twin babies. He’s loving to Chris but frosty towards the team. What happened

22k - 6/6 Chapters

Commentary: Right, read it, and like it’s good, but the writer said herself that she was thinking of continuing it (But she has yet to do so) so though it has an ending to it, it’s not really a resolved one... more like a very very open-ended one... So again, read at your own risk.

-

Of Bikes and Concussions

Buck gets into an accident on his way to work in the morning, and before he can explain why he's late, he gets thoroughly chewed out and the rest of his day goes way downhill from there.

7k - 1/1 Chapters

- 

Mistletoe

After Buck grabbed the mistletoe and kissed Hen, he decided he wouldn't stop there. After making the rounds, he reaches Eddie, and nothing is ever so easy with that man.

9k  -  5/5 Chapters

-

Rewrite the Stars

Buck is struggling with nightmares weeks after he has returned to work after the tsunami. He is struggling to sleep, and distancing himself from everyone-- most of all, Eddie.

39k  -  19/19 Chapters

-

Bury Your Dead

If you had asked Edward Buckley to describe his parenting style, he would’ve told you that he was a “disciplinarian.”

28k  -  13/13

Commentary: Stumbled upon this one, and I’m pretty sure I’ve read it before, it sounds familiar, and as far as I can remember it was rather good!

-

it’s okay

Finally back with the team, Buck isn’t going to let anything tear him away again. He has to prove his place, his part in the family, even if that means smiling through the pain.

Or, Buck gets hurt on a call and doesn’t tell anyone.

11k  -  1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Oh, it has a lot of angst and it will warm your heart!

-

Broken Silence

combined prompts asking for quiet Buck trying to stay out of everyone's way after the lawsuit--he and Maddie get hurt but he thinks they won't care, because of how they've been treating him lately, so he doesn't say anything, but does request time off, and then comfort ensues!

2k  -  1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Listen, I know that it’s shorter than what you usually read, but man, it’s so heartbreaking and gooooooood

-

Comfort of Strangers

"I don't want anyone else to have your heart, kiss your lips or be in your arms. Because that's my place."

Buck and Eddie grow closer, one kiss at a time.

15k  -  15/15 Chapters

-

5+1 Times People Call Them a Family

5 times someone points out that Eddie, Buck, and Christopher make an adorable family and 1 time where they say they are family.

4k  -  6/6 Chapters

-

Stay

Buck’s voice was soft and hesitant, but full of patience when he finally spoke again. “Did I do something to upset you, Chris? I can leave—”

“No!” Chris whirled on him, a complete shift from the standoffish vibe he had been giving a second ago. The tears he bravely held back finally broke free from his eyes, sliding down his rosy cheeks from behind his glasses. He shook his head vehemently, the yellow crayon falling to the table. “No, I’m not mad. Please…” His words turned to whimpers, his lip trembling. “Please don’t leave me too.”

31k  -  10/10 Chapters

Commentary: This was the one I linked you too on messenger. It has like a minor supernatural element to it, that they don’t warn you about, cause it’ll like spoil it, but it should not make you shy away from it, because it’s a thing that makes the story fits so well together and makes it so heartbreaking and good! So yeah, check it out, and be prepared for the angst!

-

All Bets are Off

"Enough!" Bobby sighed, he pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously exhausted. "Alright, I'm gonna need everyone to be completely straight with each other from here on out. No more fighting. Okay?"

Hen rolled her eyes but nodded. "Okay Cap."

"I'm always straight." Eddie called defensively.

Bobby's mouth opened to respond when they heard a strangled chain of coughing behind them. When they turned, they saw Chimney, choking on a bagel.

"Oh man…" Chimney coaxed through his wheezing. "That's the biggest lie you ever told."

Or, the five times the firefam realized Buck and Eddie were in love, and the one-time Eddie finally did something about it.

35k  -  6/6 Chapters

Commentary: So it’s a 5+1, but it’s a lengthier one than the other one, and it’s so good! It’ll both satisfy your buddie need, but also your Bobby being a father to Buck need!! And like a lot of other good stuff, so yeah, should definitely give this a go

-

you working?

a request for some jealous!Eddie

Summer is winding down and the 118 is out for one last event at the local park before kids are back at school. Buck attracts attention, Eddie glares at the world, and Hen is honestly having a blast.

4k  -  1/1 Chapters

Commentary: In reality, it’s a part of a series that’s 18k words long, but like 10k of it is a lot of smut, and like some of it’s plot driven, other very much isn’t, and then like the last part is an engagement one, so like, if you’re prepared for the smut, then sure, otherwise, you could just enjoy the first part of it, with a very adorable jealous Eddie Diaz

-

am I coming out of left field?

5 times it was obvious to literally everyone that Buck and Eddie are in love, and the one (first) time Eddie actually admits it.

3k  -  1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Short, but cute, though the last part could be better

-

Can't Stay Away

“Long story short, your kid is too damn smart," Buck began. "Seriously, Eddie, maybe you need to pull him out of that fancy school and send him back to public school. Dumb him down a bit so he’s easier to handle.”

Buck’s words became so tangled in his anxiety that he couldn’t really process what he was saying. “What the hell are you talking about? Is Chris okay? Is he in trouble?”

“He’s fine. Safe and sound, happy as a clam, but I’d say he is definitely in trouble.”

...

In which Eddie's parents hate Buck, and Christopher is too damn clever.

6k  -  1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Oh this is a good one... Like, proper whump and Christopher being the captain of our ship!

-

There It All Is (What's Always Been Mine)

“You alright Buckaroo?” Hen asked and Buck shrugged. “You’re not worried about hosting this sleepover, are you?”

“I just don’t want to screw this up,” Buck said. “Like, I’m the one who’s not a parent here. Am I really qualified to be in charge of three kids?”

---

Or, when a sleepover becomes the sight of a dangerous emergency, Buck learns what his friends and family knew all along; he’ll do anything for the people he cares about.

8k  -  1/1 Chapters

Commentary: I said I wanted Buck with kids, and I got it. Basically, it’s cute, and I luv buck with kids, and this is a good one. 

-

TO ADD MORE

,

,

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Dive Into My Bookmarks

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

,

light me and i'll burn for you

In which an old friend of Buck's joins the 118, and Eddie does not like him. At all.

31k - 3/3 Chapters

-

all the stones and kings of old

Edmundo Diaz, King of Calder, does not want a husband.

He had a wife, he has a son. He doesn’t need anyone to try and fill the void in his life Shannon left when she died—he is perfectly content with an empty bed, with Bobby and Athena advising him, with household staff taking care of Christopher when he can’t.

But. Apparently he doesn’t have a choice in the matter.

(Theirs is not an auspicious start.)

36k - 14/14 Chapters

Commentary: So this is the AU that I talked about, with it being medieval, and like, something out of Merlin, only I don't really think there's magic in it... i can't remember if there is... So I don't think there is. Anyhow, it's pretty good!

-

Everybody Knows

The five times someone assumed they're together, and Eddie had to correct them, and the one time it happened and he didn't have to.

14k - 1/1 Chapters

-

You square all the corners, I straighten the curves

Five times Buck and Eddie pretend they're dating (and one time they don't)

11k - 1/1 Chapters

-

The things we lost in the fire

Commentary: Now, this is a two part story, I'll add the summary for both parts.

Part 1:

Evan Buckley left his past behind when he left home for good at age 19. But an unexpected phone call on a quiet shift disrupts the life he's built for himself: forcing him to confront his past in order to build a new future.

Part 2:

It was fall at the 118. That was supposed to mean pumpkin spice lattes, Athena’s world-famous pumpkin pie, and the yearly tradition of getting bullied by children at the annual firehouse trick-or-treating.

Instead, it was a disastrous cornucopia of Maddie’s pregnancy, the Buckley parents visiting, and a sexuality crisis for good measure.

Oh, and?

It was wildfire season.

204k - Part1: 10/10 - Part 2: 22/22

-

,

,

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The Ones I Need To Read First

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

,

waiting on the sunrise

When Buck left home, it was a rushed decision. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he had a high school diploma and enough street smarts to make it as far from his father as possible.

It's been nearly ten years since then, and now his father is in town. Buck quickly learns that some things haven't changed. But other things have, and his family will help him realize that.

28k - 10/10 Chapters

-

Two Weeks Noticed

With Christopher away at camp, Eddie finally has a chance to catch his breath after the hellish year he's had. Meanwhile Buck is still reeling from the sudden reappearance of Abby. On a routine night of movies and pizza, Eddie and Buck discuss some feelings and stumble into something that may just take some time to figure out. Good thing they have two weeks to get a handle on it.

148k - 15/15 Chapters

-

I Hit the Accelerator (But the Car was in Reverse)

When Buck is forced to confront the truth about his breakup with Abby, having casual sex with his hot new coworker seems like the best rebound idea.

Unfortunately, that hot new coworker turns into his best friend. But best friends can keep having sex with each other, right?

There's no way this could possibly go wrong.

68k - 15/15 Chapters

-

the weekly bet (but the forever kind)

When the squad bets on how long it will take for Buck and Abby to get back together when she comes back to LA, Eddie is forced to reconsider keeping his feelings for Buck a secret. “Thanks,” Eddie mumbles, hiding his face deep in his pillow, even if Buck can’t see him in the dark. “What for?” Leave it to Buck to be confused about something so obvious. “Being you, idiot.” “And again with the name calling,” he answers, content and sleepy. Nights like this, Eddie feels like asking for a miracle. But to the team, it wasn’t a matter of if Abby would take him back, but when. A matter of days.

49k - 9/9 Chapters

-

Guess We'll Just Have to Adjust

No, Buck does not have a damn crush on Eddie fucking Diaz. No, Buck is not thinking about Eddie's stupid smile or his stupid hair or that obscene sound he made when he pushed the couch the way he did.

Having a crush would be weird. And dumb. And the last thing Buck needs in his already fucked up life.

36k - 12/12 Chapters

-

Speak Now

Fake Dating AU idea from a tumblr post that got out of hand the minute I started writing.

Eddie lies to Shannon about being in a serious relationship when she wants to re-enter his and Christopher's lives, and of course the person he asks to be his pretend significant other is none other than Evan Buckley, because what are bros for?

25k - 3/3 Chapters

-

Pack a Bag, Say Goodbye

It wasn’t the first time he felt unwanted. In fact, it was an all too familiar feeling. But the last time he felt this way, he had left. Run off to South America and wherever else he could find himself. But the one thing that had helped him stop feeling lost, the place where he had found himself, had been ripped away from him.

So, why was he still there? What was the point in sticking around? ---

After the lawsuit, Buck is struggling when he realizes how unwanted he is at work. When he makes the decision to leave, how will everyone react? And to what lengths will they go to get Buck back?

61k - 30/30 Chapters

-

According To You

“He’s gonna’ be fine, they did scans, they said it’s just a scratch--”

“Just a scratch?” Eddie blinks incredulously. “‘Just a scratch’ doesn’t require stitches Evan! God, how could you be so irresponsible?! How the hell were you not watching him at the park?! How could you let him get all the way across the street without you?!”

5k  -  2/2 Chapters

-

When it comes to an end (I will want you to plea)

After the lawsuit, Buck and Eddie are casually sleeping together. Eddie tells himself it doesn't mean anything more than that. An unexpected incident at work brings up something Buck thought he'd long buried behind him and makes Eddie re-evaluate his feelings for his best friend.

26k  -  8/8  Chapters

-

Protector

He didn’t know who he could contact.

Even though it had been months since he had returned to work, there was still an awkwardness that could not be cleansed. There had been a chill at the start, he had been confined to the station, knowing that his decision to reveal personal information to his lawyer had truly been a mistake. Eventually, the team went back to how they once were in the field, working together to save lives without hesitation. They would share meals, the comradery slowly showing once more.

Outside of work, Buck felt alone.

21k  -  10/10 Chapters

-

Helping Hands

Everyone wants Buck to heal from the past year, and they think getting laid will help him. Buck doesn't want to revert back to Buck 1.0, but he also doesn't want his friends to worry about him. So Buck enlists the help of his best friend Eddie in fooling his friends.

55k  -  9/9 Chapters

-

Next To Me

Buck and Eddie started off in different places but eventually they ended up in the same. Eventually, they ended up in love.

Told from Buck and Eddie’s perspectives, a canon-compliant take on Buddie and how they could realistically get together.

.

Buck had never had a friend like Eddie before. Someone that burrowed under his skin and wrapped around him and became a part of him — like an extra limb, someone he couldn’t do without.

.

He loved him. Eddie loved him. Eddie was in love with him. With Buck. With his best friend. But it didn’t matter…loving him meant that the only thing that mattered was being able to keep him in any possible way even if that meant that Eddie could never tell him.

93k  -  17/17 Chapters

-

burn 'em up and scatter their remains

A serial killer taunts L.A., targeting first responders. Fear creates tension among the 118, at the station and outside of it, but they’re going to need to come together stronger than ever to survive this.

50k  -  25/25 Chapters

-

Eddie's Not-So-Secret Feelings

5 times Eddie says sweet things about Buck in Spanish so Buck doesn't find out he's in love with him +1 time Eddie realises Buck speaks Spanish and knew all along With special guest stars: Eddie's entire family

17k  -  6/6 Chapters

-

More Than You Know

Eddie's forgiven Buck, and things are back to normal between them. By normal, we of course mean they are in love with each other but haven't confessed to anyone yet. After a bad call, Buck goes over to Eddie's to keep him some company. Except Eddie isn't home. And when Eddie does arrive, he bruised and bloody.

44k  -  17/17 Chapters

-

a christmas miracle

The 118 are discussing their plans for the holidays, but Eddie's plan has Buck reeling with hurt.

38k  -  4/4 Chapters

-

i think i might've inhaled you

How do you tell your best friend that you're actually in love with them? If you're Evan Buckley, you don't.

25k  -  2/2 Chapters

-

You're Standing Here Beside Me

In the beginning, May doesn’t know much about Evan “Buck” Buckley.

Also known as my 1 + 5 + 1 Buck & May sibling fic or "1 time May finds out she has a big brother, 5 times Buck and May are totally siblings and 1 time May and Buck spend time with the rest of their family.

14k  -  1/1 Chapters

-

The 118 Quarantine Chronicles

A look at the 118 during Quarantine. Featuring cooking competitions, tirades against math, parades, idiot boys in love, prank wars, and happiness.

16k  -  11/11 Chapters

-

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger...Right?

Behind the Scenes: What we didn't and should've seen when the screen went black.

or

Four Times we could've seen so much more Buck Whump, Eddie caring and 118 protectiveness and one time it could've been a lot worse.

11k  -  1/1 Chapters

-

Now when do I start to feel again?

Buck's first call back with the team doesn't go as well as Bobby and Eddie hoped. It leads to Eddie having to make a tough decision. A decision that only gets made after a very emotional day.

Buddie fic, pre-slash, 3x06 Coda, Bobby is clearly not only Buck's emergency contact but also his dad. Re-edited for typos 11/11/19

11k  -  2/2 Chapters

- 

Nothing to Lose

A simple trip trip to the bank ends badly when the robbery crew takes a firefighter with them.

Will his family and friends be able to find him before it's late. Will he realise everything he has and fight to get back to them.

Buck always needs to be the hero, even if he doesn't think he is.

Pre-Buddie because I am absolutely not confident writing how that would even unfold. There are hints of it of course because that's basically canon.

15k  -  10/10

-

now that it's over (and i'm sober)

Eddie felt like he was going to choke on his own tongue.

It was a wildly inappropriate thought, given that they really were trying to rescue this girl from a fly-away hot air balloon, running at it with all the speed their legs could muster.

Even digging his heels into the ground and wrapping his hands tightly around one of the drop lines couldn’t stop him from staring slack-jawed at his best friend.

13k  -  1/1 Chapters

-

and the winner is......

When Maddie convinces Buck to join her and the rest of the couples of the 118 on a couples game-show with Eddie as his partner, he does so hesitantly, if only because he knows that by the end of it -- the rest of the team will realize he and Eddie are way more than best friends.

18k  -  1/1 Chapters

-

Drift Away

“You’re getting a call tomorrow from the Chief. You’re being reinstated to active duty. The city gave me the option of transferring you to a different station...I declined.”

“You won’t regret it”

“You might”

He did

18k  -  3/3 Chapters

-

[daydreaming-nerd]

When Dreams Come True pt.2 (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Hi guys! The love from part one was so incredible that I had to go right ahead and make a part two as soon as I could! Warning it’s gonna get dark here.

PART ONE: https://daydreaming-nerd.tumblr.com/post/186578789641/when-dreams-come-true-bucky-barnes-x-reader

Summary: Bucky has a dream that Hydra takes Y/N and it turns into a reality he swore he’d never have to face.

Warnings: kidnapping, torture, blood, almost rape, fluff at the end. Lots of POV changes here so just be aware of that.

3RD PERSON POV:

Bucky woke up that morning in an unfamiliar situation. First of all he had never slept so good in his life and second of all y/n wasn’t in bed next to him. He looked at the clock next to his bed and found it blinking, power outage. He looked again at y/n’s pillow and found a flash drive with a note on it that read ‘BARNES’. He didn’t know why, but upon reading the note his blood ran cold and he knew right then something was very wrong.

He grabbed the drive and walked briskly out the door. To his surprise the whole team was already in the living room looking somber. Only one thought crossed his mind.

“Where’s y/n?” He asked. There was a silence in the room.

“There was a security breech last night when the power went out. It shut everything down, everything except the security cameras,” Tony said giving Bucky a look filled with pity.

Despite the answer Tony had given him, Bucky’s question still wasn’t answered so he asked again.

“Where’s, y/n?” He said with much more authority.

Tony didn’t have the heart to tell him. He simply let out a sigh and hit a button on the TV remote. The rest of the team couldn’t say a word.

Bucky shifted over to see the TV at a better angle. He saw a black and white video of her and him sleeping from last night. Her back to his chest and his metal arm thrown around her mid section. The window near the bed opened up and two men dressed in black creeped in, Hydra patch clearly visible on their arm. They walked up behind Bucky and placed a rag over his mouth for a few seconds, Bucky didn’t even flintch. Then they made their way over to y/n and did the same to her, she woke up thrashed around and suddenly went limp. They left the drive on her pillow and with that they slipped out the window with her.

Tony turned off the TV and the room remained just as silent as it was when he got there. Bucky had sat there mouth open trying to process what he had just seen.

“They took her,” he said.

“Do you have the drive that they left?” Steve asked already trying to solve the problem.

Bucky simply handed the drive to Tony who plugged it into the TV. The Hydra symbol flashed onto the screen and then a video of a man in a white coat came on.

“Sergeant Barnes how nice of you to join us,” he spoke his face taking up almost the whole frame. “You’ve probably noticed by now that you might be missing something. Something we need more than you. You see Project WS2 needed a strong and cunning subject and when we saw her in action yesterday, well we could not resist temptation.” Said the man German accent thick.

He backed away from the camera to show y/n in a small room with a single lamp dangling from the ceiling. She was chained to the wall and looked as though she had already taken a beating.

Bucky felt his heart break and he fell to his knees.

“And to think Sargeant Barnes, we took her right out of your arms.” The man laughed.

“What’s Project WS2?” Steve asked.

“It’s their new Winter Soldier,” answered Nat “they planned to find a subject who was already physically trained and then mentally break them.”

“I’ve chosen to share this experience with you through this live stream. I thought you wouldn’t want to miss the breaking of your sweetheart.” Said the man moving out of the frame so all that could be seen was her.

“No no no no no,” Bucky rambled getting closer to the TV as if you could hear him.

The man in the white coat appeared next to you, looking down on you.

“Such a shame for such beauty to go to waste,” he said grabbing her jaw so she would be forced to face him “though, I’m sure we will be able to find a use.” He smiled evily. A man in the other corner of the room laughed as he came toward her he pulled out a knife and stabbed her in the shoulder causing her to let out a blood curdling scream.

“NO!” Bucky screamed at the TV again.

“Say goodbye to your soldier,” said the man approaching the camera.

“Bucky it’s a trap!” She screamed and with that the screen cut to black.

The whole living room was in shock.

“We have to get her back,” Bucky said, tears spilling down his face.

“We will Buck I promise,” said Steve.

“Hate to break up the little optimism party but we have no idea where they’re keeping her,” Tony chimed in.

“I know,” said Bucky “I’ve seen that room before”

_______________________________________________

YOUR POV:

“Bucky it’s a trap!” I screamed, but it was too late the camera was shut off and the little red light was gone. The room I was in was freezing cold and the tank top and shorts I wore to bed weren’t helping me warm up.

The man in black kicked me in the ribs shattering one and punched me in the face causing my nose to bleed for the second time. He grabbed me by the back of the head and made me face him.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he said. “Now, you’re gonna pay. Not even your soldier and his band of freaks can save you now.” He said jabbing a knife into your thigh.

I screamed again.

“Do with her what you must,” said the doctor in white as he grabbed some files and head for the door “when she’s ready you know where to find me.” And with that he was gone.

“You hear that darling? It’s just you and me now. And I’m gonna break your mind until you’re ready for it to be scrambled.” He said reaching for the buckle on his jeans my heart dropped and I started screaming at the top of my lungs.

“NO! NO! PLEASE NO!”

But no one could hear me.

_______________________________________________

3RD PERSON POV:

“It’s all my fault,” said Bucky sitting on the crate next to Steve who was getting ready to board the jet.

“It’s not your fault Buck. No one would’ve guessed that this would happen,” said Steve putting on his gear.

“I did...I had a dream about it the other night and she said I had nothing to worry about...I told her I’d never let anything happen to her,” Bucky said breaking down in tears. “And now I might lose her forever...and the worst part is they took her right out of my arms...the one place I told myself they could never hurt her and they took her right out of my arms.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done Buck, they knocked you out same as her.”

“I can’t lose her Steve,”

Steve moved over to sit on the crate next to Bucky.

“A hundred years ago I lost Peggy because of Hydra, I’m not gonna let you lose y/n.” He said.

_______________________________________________

YOUR POV:

I had no clue how long I had been here for. My body was completely numb and I couldn’t tell if it was from being beaten and used or from the cold but from what I could gather it was a combination of both.

My throat hurt from all the screaming and my wrists were raw from all the struggling. At this point I had broken bones and a multiple cuts and stab wounds.

When the doctor finally came back he attached multiple wires to my head.

“You might want to bite down on this,” he said putting a leather strap in between my teeth.

He walked over to the machine and turned a knob sending electricity to my brain making me feel the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

He cranked it higher and higher until I passed out.

_______________________________________________

3RD PERSON POV:

The teams jet was parked outside and after trudging through the ice and snow of the alps they finally made it inside the Hydra facility.

“Follow me,” said Bucky, determination in his eyes.

The team ran down the hall easily taking out anyone who dared crossed them. A few turns and Bucky found the room where he too had been broken once. All the sudden alarms went off in the building signaling that it was about to blow. This was Hydra’s trap. He kicked the door down and before he could even take a step further there she was. His y/n. There she was shackled to the wall covered in cuts, blood and bruises. And what’s worse her shorts and panties down around her ankles meaning only one thing. She was sickly pale and hadn’t moved.

“No no no no,” he rushed to her side “Y/n wake up!”

No response. He put his hand on her bloodied face. She was ice cold.

“Y/n! Please wake up!” He cried.

“Bucky c’mon we gotta get out of here!” Steve said.

With that Bucky picked her up and ran to the jet with her as fast as possible.

“Lay her down on the bed,” said Bruce already getting out his medical gear. Bucky did as he was told.

Steve and Nat rushed onto the jet and closed the hatch locking out the blizzard outside. Bruce was already assessing her, plugging in IV’s and bandaging wounds. Bucky stood right behind him watching closely. The whole crew had come to a stop to watch and hope that Bruce would be able to deliver good news.

Minutes later he spoke.

“Multiple stab wounds including her shoulder, leg and abdomen, fractured rib and collar bone, severe head trauma and sufficient blood loss.”

“Will she be okay?” Asked Bucky.

“I’m not sure. Right now she’s in a coma and because I can’t tell what caused the head trauma I can’t tell you when or if she’ll ever wake up,” Bruce said taking his glasses off and rubbing his temples “it’s up to her now.”

A silent tears flooded Bucky’s eyes as he approached her. He sat on a stool and took her hand in his.

“Hey doll, I don’t know if you can hear me but I heard once that people in comas can hear their surroundings so I’m really hoping that’s true.” Bucky sniffled. “I’m so sorry doll. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry I let all this happen. I know it’s all my fault. I know I told you I would never let anything happen to you and I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep that promise. I promise I’ll never let anything happen to you again. I know what you’ve been through doll, believe me I do. I know how much pain you must be in. B-but you gotta w-wake up now doll.”

Bucky’s tears were flowing faster than ever and he was getting chocked up. Sniffles and silent cries could be heard from the team behind him but he payed no mind and continued on.

“Y-you gotta wake up now doll because we have so many things we still have to do. Like go to that pizza place down the block that we keep saying we’re gonna eat at and I still gotta take my best girl out dancing at retro night over in that little bar.” He laughed remembering how you’ve been begging him to show you how to dance like they did in the 40’s “and your birthdays in a few weeks doll and boy do I have something special planned for you. I’m gonna absolutely spoil you rotten. I’m gonna wake you up with a hundred kisses and make you breakfast in bed and when you’re done we’re gonna go out on the town and I’m gonna buy you all the dresses and shoes you ever wanted and that night when I take you to your special birthday dinner...I’m...I’m gonna ask you to marry me...and then we can dance to your favorite song...and we can go home... and cuddle up and go to bed and in the morning we can start planning our wedding. But we can’t do that until you wake up doll, you gotta wake up. I can’t live without you, I can’t live knowing you’d still be alive if it wasn’t for me.”

And then Bucky lost it. He broke down sobbing into her cold hand.

“Please y/n! Please!” He cried.

But she still wouldn’t wake up.

_______________________________________________

3RD PERSON POV STILL:

Three days. It had been three days. Three days since y/n had been rescused and three days since Bucky had eaten.

He hadn’t left her side since he found her. He blamed himself. Sometimes the others would come in a talk to him but it was the equivalent to talking to a brick wall. He was so sleep deprived and hungry he couldn’t hold a conversation. Everyone had started to worry. If y/n never woke up would he simply starve to death and die? They couldn’t handle losing two of their dear friends all at once.

Steve walked into the room, sandwich in hand

“I thought you might be hungry,” he said leaning against the door frame.

“I’m okay,” Bucky stayed blandly.

“C’mon Buck you haven’t eaten in almost three days,” Steve said pulling up a chair next to Bucky. “Starving yourself isn’t going to bring her back.”

“I just can’t believe I let this happen to her,”

“It wasn’t your fault,”

“Sure feels like it,”

“You know,” Steve started “about a hundred years ago I dropped my best friend off a train and I blamed myself-,”

“That wasn’t your fault Steve,”

Steve simply gave Bucky a look that said ‘and this isn’t your fault either’

“Eat Bucky, she would want you to,” Steve said standing up and walking out the door.

Bucky reluctantly took a bite of the sandwich and then set it on the night stand.

“Come back to me doll. Please come back to me.” Bucky sighed casting his head down

Suddenly y/n’s index finger twitched causing Bucky to shoot his head up.

“Doll can you hear me?!”

Multiple fingers twitched.

“STEVE! STEVE! COME HERE!” He screamed “come on doll wake up I’m right here.”

Her eyelids twitched and a small groan escaped her lips. Steve busted through the door.

“What, What is it?” He said out of breath.

“I think she’s waking up. Go get Bruce,” said Bucky.

“Bu-,” whispered y/n. Her eyes twitching open ever so slowly.

“I’m right here doll,” Bucky said holding her hand closer than ever.

“Bucky?” She said opening her eyes.

“Oh doll thank god,” Bucky started to cry placing his had on her cheek. “I thought I lost you.”

_______________________________________________

YOUR POV:

A FEW WEEKS LATER:

“Bucky! Bucky! Stop I’m awake!” I said trying to survive my kiss attack wake up call.

“Good Morning doll!” smiles Bucky. “I brought you breakfast!” He said picking up a tray from the night stand.

“Breakfast in bed?! What’s the occasion?” I asked already knowing the answer.

“Your birthday of course!” He said setting it down. “Now when you’re done eating get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. I’ve got a whole day planned for us!”

“Oh do you now?”

“Yes I do! Now I have to go finish cleaning the dishes,” he said walking away.

“Hey hey hey! Where’s my kiss?” I said.

He turned around and gave me a sweet kiss before hustling out to finish the rest of the dishes.

“I love you Sarg!” I yelled out the door.

“I love you too doll!” I heard from the kitchen.

I could tell today was going to be a good day.

*******************************************************

AN: Hey guys I’m sorry this took a while I’ve been having to write from my phone which really sucks. This didn’t turn out exactly the way I wanted it but I really hope y’all like it. I’ve had a lot of people ask me to tag them in this story and I just wanted to let y’all know that if you want me to I can start a tag list! Just message me if you want to be a permanent tag or just be tagged in fics featuring certain characters!

IF YOU LIKED THIS STORY PLEASE BE SURE TO LEAVE A LITTLE NOTE FOR ME AND FOLLOW ME FOR MORE! YOU GUYS KEEP ME MOTIVATED!!

Taglist:

@lumar014 @shygirl-00 @arianna-dori @ek823 @hiddlestaan @londonalozzy @bellamysbaby16

#bucky barnes #bucky x y/n #bucky fluff #bucky fanfic #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky imagine #bucky barnes x reader #james barnes #james buchanan barnes #james buchanan bucky barnes #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader

[tonystarkbingo]

Week 8 roundup!  We have a whole bushel of drabbles this week, so click through to see what 100-word magic (and other magic) your fellow collaborators came up with!

Title: What's His is Mine Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: R4 -  writing format: use of symbolisms Ship: Pepperony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Fluff and humor Summary: Justin Hammer is selling his things to pay his legal bills… Tony has. Other plans. Word Count: 720

Title: A Bot's Work is Never Done Collaborator: ali_aliska Link: AO3 Square Filled: A3 - free square Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: bot fic, pining, love confessions Summary: DUM-E has decided that PAPA TON-E needs to smile more often, which means DUM-E might have to run over a few feet, make better smoothies, and decide who brings PAPA TON-E the most JOY (the current answer - FRIEND BUCK-E). Not to worry because DUM-E is the bot for the job (even if it means locking his favorite humans in the SERVER ROOM until they stop fighting). Word Count: 5653

Title: MIT Years

Collaborator: katling

Link:

A03

Square Filled:  S5 - MIT Years

Ship: James Rhodes & Tony Stark

Rating: Gen

Major Tags: Shifter AU

Summary:  Rhodey finally finds out that Tony is a shifter and what his form is. It doesn't happen in quite the way Tony wanted but it all works out okay.

Word Count: 1172

Title: Baby, I wasn’t Expecting You Collaborator: FreyaS Link: A03 Square Filled: S1 - silver haired Tony Ship: WinterIron Major Tags: pining, identity porn, happy ending Summary: Bucky walked into the bar with his last twenty and a scowl that could have peeled rust off of iron, slapping the bill on the bartop with his prosthetic hand. “Gimme the strongest thing this’ll buy,” he snapped. The bartender took one look at Bucky before he unscrewed the serving tip off of a bottle of rum and handed him the half-full bottle. Bucky grinned, all teeth, and poured himself a generous serving into a glass and knocked back the drink with his good hand.  Word Count: 10,163

Title: Playing Well with One Another Collaborator: Politzania Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - anticipation Ship: Stony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: eventual smut, multiple orgasms Summary: Steve has either the best or worst idea for attempting to resolve the UST between him and Tony: suggesting a scientific exploration of his sexual performance capabilities. Tony is more than happy to go along with the idea -- hijinks and penis ensues. Word Count: 1326

Title: The worst and the best idea Collaborator: cutebutpsyco Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - past tense Ship: IronStrange Rating: Gen Major Tags: pre-slash, humor Summary: Hopefully, Cloakie was going to place itself on Stephen’s shoulders, while in battle. That suit was illegal, on Strange’s body, in ten different dimensions, and the one where they lived was one of those. Word Count: 1958

Title: Brown Paper Packages Collaborator: remreader Link: AO3 Square Filled: S3 - anticipation Ship: Pepperony Rating: Teen Major Tags: fluff Summary: Pepper has a present for Tony. Word Count: 597

Title: Remix: The Prize Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2- Writing Format: Remix one of your fics Ship: FrostIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: explicit sexual content, Summary: Loki gives Tony his just rewards. Word Count: 2206

Title: Trouble Me Collaborator: Faustess Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1: Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: pining, asexual character, anxiety attacks Summary: Time's passed since the Soldier confronted Tony about his status with the Avengers. Their friendship has grown a lot and Tony can't imagine life without him. Figuring out how the Winter Soldier feels about anything though, is never simple - for either of them. Word Count: 2094

Title: The Earth Laughs in Flowers Collaborator: JacarandaBanyan Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1 - Partner Look Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: flowershop AU, post-apocalyptic AU Summary: After the apocalypse, Tony travels around making solar panel flowers so that people can have electricity again. He's happy to be helping, but he's lonely. He can't afford to stay too long in one place- everyone needs electricity, after all. Bucky Barnes escaped Hydra during the chaos of the end of the world, but his arm needs a new power source or it's eventually going to die on him. And it wouldn't hurt if he looked a little less like Hydra's assassin and a little more approachable. Word Count: 7218

Title: Night Mares on Your Chest Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: R2 - nightmares Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble, kid fic Summary: Tony has a nightmare; his best friend Loki comforts him. Word Count: 100

Title: Don't Care for You Like I Do Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: S2 - Kidnapped! Ship: FrostIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: drabble Summary: Loki tries to protect what's his. Word Count: 100

Title: Weird Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - fusion Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble, fusion, Star Trek Summary: Gen Word Count: 100

Title: Lost Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: K5 - AU: fantasy world Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble, dragons Summary: Someone, not naming names, needs to learn how to read a map. Word Count: 100

Title: On the Lips of No One Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 -  Futurefic Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble, future AU, pining Summary: Where is he, he wonders. Where is he. Word Count: 100

Title: How To Fix Tony: A Guide By James Rhodes Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Chapter One - R3: Tony's Poor Life Choices, Chapter Two - T1: Bathing / showering together, Chapter Three - A1: holding hands, Chapter Four: K1 - first date Ship: FrostIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: drabbles Summary: Tony goes through the phases of heartbreak. Word Count: 400

Title: Gave You My Heart Collaborator: Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa) Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - Writing format: five things Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Hanahaki disease, hurt Tony Summary: The five times Tony developed Hanahaki disease, because as much as he wanted to, he just couldn't stop loving the wrong people. (When the Rogues come back, they're in for a surprise.) Word Count: 1659

Title: Hey, remember me? Collaborator: LBibliophile Link: AO3 Square Filled: A4 - amnesia Ship: none Rating: Teen Major Tags: Endgame, trailer spoilers, open ending, time travel Summary: The Snap didn’t just kill half of all life, it erased it from existence; first the physical form, then their more intangible presence. For those who remain, it’s hard to maintain the drive to fix things when you don’t remember what you’re missing… Word Count: 562

Title: T5- First Kiss Collaborator: thudworm Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - First Kiss Ship: none, Tony Stark & Harley Keener Rating: Gen Major Tags: accidental father figure Tony, coming out Summary: Harley calls Tony with a question Word Count: 1055

Title: Summer Days Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: T2- Pirates! Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: kid fic Summary: Tony and Loki just wanna be pirates for a day. Word Count: 1000

Title: Sleep, perchance to dream Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - coma Ship: FrostIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: drabble, angst, open ending Summary: “Loki, you need to accept that Tony might not wake up.” Word Count: 100

Title: Experience Points Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: A4 - experience Ship: FrostIron Rating: Mature Major Tags: drabble, implied sexual content Summary: Tony just wants to win a video game for once. Word Count: 100

Title: Relationship Status: It's Complicated Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: K4 - fake relationship Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble Summary: Loki runs off some suitors that he doesn't want, with one that he does. Word Count: 100

Title: Needed: A Bucket Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: S5 - sick fic Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble Summary: Loki gets sick. Word Count: 100

Title: Air Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - image of Tony and tentacles Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble, tentacles Summary: Tony escapes a creature or the deep Word Count: 100

Title: Rules Were Made to be Broken Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: AO3 Square Filled: Chapter One - T3: opposing sides, Chapter Two - T5: plot twist Ship: FrostIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: drabbles Summary: Tony doesn't wanna do it. But he has to. Word Count: 200

Title: Breaking the Cycle Collaborator: newnewyorker93 Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Howard Stark Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble Summary: Tony tries to be a better father than the one he had. Word Count: 100

Title: A Difficult Thing Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Square Filled: S3 - Edwin Jarvis Ship: none Rating: Teen Major Tags: bi Tony Summary: Love is a lot harder than it really ought to be. It’s a good thing Tony has Jarvis in his corner. Word Count: 2095

Collaborator: buying_the_space_farm Link: Twitter Square Filled: A5 - Tony in the workshop Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: moodboard

Title: Marvelous Fashionistas Card Deck Collaborator: monobuu Link: Tumblr Squares Filled: R2 - Nebula, and S5 - T'Challa/Black Panther Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Marvelous Fashionistas Card Deck featuring all your favorite heroes decked out in ridiculous street fashion.

Title: That's New Collaborator: katling Link: AO3 Square Filled: K5 - sick fic Ship: none Rating: Teen Major Tags: Shifter AU Summary:  This was asked for my a number of people and my muses played ball - Tony's back from Afghanistan and paying the price for not shifting for over three months. When he finally does... it turns out to be more interesting than he expected. Word Count: 2156

Title: Arms of an Angel Collaborator: NastyBambino Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - vessel Ship: none Rating: Teen Major Tags: canonical character death, religious themes, moodboard Summary: Anthony has been watching Peter since he was a child. He never though he’d watch him die in his arms too. Word Count: 107

#tonystarkbingo #tonystarkbingo2019 #bingo roundup #weekly roundup #week 8 roundup

[buckywintersoldierbarnes2017]

A Hidden Pain - Part 8

Original request from anon: Could you please write a Bucky x reader where she works as the teams assistant? She’s got a violent bf but no one knows about it until he assaults her at one of Starks parties. Bucky steps in and kicks his ass. He helps her move out of her place to live with him since he’s got his own floor at the tower.

Note: Thank you to the amazing @buckysmetal-arm for being my beta on this! I apologise that you had to google one of the terms I used (lol) and for anyone else who is a little unsure about it. Where it says ‘pull his finger out’ it is an English term for ‘stop hesitating or wasting time and start to act’. Bucky x Abused!Reader (Steve x Reader) Words: 2,253 Warnings: Heartbreak, angst, language, upset and mentions of blood. Disclaimer: None of the GIFs used are mine so all credit goes to their wonderful creators <3

A Hidden Pain Masterlist

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

A pair of strong arms wrapped around you as Steve lifted you up from your bed, being careful not to allow the IV line to rip out from your hand, and lowered you into a wheelchair that Bruce had brought into the infirmary for you. Your heart was pounding away but it wasn’t for a good reason, this was because the uncertainty of where he was taking you made you feel nervous to the point where you were convinced you were about to throw up.

When he wheeled you out from the room you had spent the past few weeks in you prayed that he would press the button in the elevator that would take you up to the living quarters, that he had simply fallen asleep in his room or something, because the other scenario that was running through your mind was one you didn’t even want to start contemplating; there was no way, after what he’d said to you, that he would take that route….or was that just you trying to reassure yourself a little too much?

The doors of the elevator closed in front of you and although there was a part of you that didn’t want to see what floor was pressed your curiosity won over and your eyes drifted over just as an unusually quiet Steve pushed his thumb down onto the ‘Basement Level’ button.

There was only one thing down in the basement and that was the research facility, that was where…..

“No.” The word that escaped your lips was abrupt enough to snap the blonde out of whatever daze it was he had allowed himself to go into and look down at you. “Take me back Steve.”

“[y/n]….” He knew why you were reacting the way you were but as one of his closest friends he wasn’t about to let you go into denial about this. It wasn’t going to get you anywhere or make this any easier. “….you need to see him.”

Maybe there was still a chance that the scenario currently running through your mind was no more than a fabrication of your paranoid mind, maybe he was just down here having some tests done, you would be wheeled into the room and he would turn to look at you with that gorgeous smile of his lighting up his face and this whole nightmare would finally be over.

The corridor you were faced with as the doors slid open was eerily quiet and a complete contrast to all the other levels of the tower that were bustling with people; something which only added to your already nervous state. It was only a matter of a few feet between the elevator and the research facility doors but it was like everything was playing out in slow motion – either that or Steve was going deliberately slow out of fear as to how you would react.  He spoke into the intercom system that was fixed onto the wall next to the secured door and after notifying a member of the team of your arrival a loud buzz sounded out, causing you to jump slightly, and the doors automatically opened before you.

Please be there…..Please be there…..

Your eyes closed as this thought ran through your mind on an endless loop but once the bed inside the room came into view you saw that it was unoccupied. He wasn’t sat there waiting for you. Steve wheeled you past it and towards a large capsule that was on the far side of the room. Even through the frosted up glass you could see him, his face being the clearest part of him, and that was when any resolve you’d had just crumbled away completely; there was no hope that he would be waiting for you somewhere because he was right in front of you….frozen. Completely dead to the world around him.

“He said he wouldn’t leave me….” The raw emotion inside of you raked at your voice, causing it to sound rather meek, but then your anger took over and what was once barely above a whisper soon became a shout. “YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE ME!!”

All thought of the wheelchair and the IV line attached to you was gone as you pushed yourself up onto your feet and stormed towards the capsule. Almost immediately the line snagged but nothing was going to hold you back from reaching him and eventually it was pulled out of your hand completely, a trail of blood escaping the hole it had created, and when you were close enough you balled up your hands and started to pound on the glass as though you were physically punching him. The research team moved over to you but Steve placed up a single hand to stop them from doing so.

“It’s fine. Just let her get it out of her system.”

It was breaking his heart to see the anger and the pain coursing through you; all the mental preparation he had put himself through to deal with this inevitability and it hadn’t worked. He wanted nothing more than to scoop you up into his arms and hold you close, tell you everything was going to be okay, but he knew his words would fall on deaf ears.

“You bastard! Come back!” You didn’t mean the derogatory term that escaped your lips, you weren’t even angry at him, you were angry at yourself but your emotions were all over the place that you weren’t entirely sure how to handle them. Your chest heaved with the hysterical sobs wracking your body and after a while you became far too lightheaded to remain standing and the effect of your injuries kicking back in caused you to slide down the capsule until you were slumped on the floor. “This is all my fault. I should…I should never have got him involved.”

Steve was down by your side just seconds after you had hit the floor, his arms wrapped around you as he pulled you into him close.

“He was never going to sit back and allow Josh to treat you the way that he did [y/n]. He chose to get involved….none of this is your fault.” The blood was trickling faster down your hand now causing Steve’s concern for you to grow. “Come on let’s go get that hand of yours fixed up yeah?”

“No. I’m not leaving him Steve.”

“[y/n].” A sigh escaped from him, his chest rising and then falling heavily as he did. “I know you want to be here with him but we don’t know how long he is going to be in there for. He could be in here for a matter of weeks or….” The blonde’s comforting tone faltered slightly as his own emotion started to get the better of him but he bit it back as much as he could to stay strong for you. “….it could be years before they find a way to wipe those words.”

“Well then I guess that’s how long I am going to be down here for.” You wanting to stay here with him was, in your eyes, the least you could do after everything he had gone through. It had all been because he wanted to keep you safe and now it was your turn to do that for him. “He is going to need a friendly face here when he wakes up, AS SOON as he wakes up and I want that to be me. He’ll need to know that I am okay.”

“You know. This is exactly why I always knew you two would get along with each other.” He pulled himself away from you but only enough so that his lips could move towards your ear and send a playful whisper down it. “You are both stubborn arses, but it’s why I love you both.”

A small laugh rolled from your lips causing you to wince as a pain rippled through the stitches that were still helping to heal the wound that had been caused by the knife. You knew that you had a long road to recovery yourself but the medical team would be more than capable of looking after you down here and as for your work, well, paperwork could be done anywhere and meetings could be done via video link – there was no reason why you couldn’t do this.

“But if you’re determined to do this then you are going to have to put up with me being here for the next week.” Although the expression on your face made it very clear you were more than a little confused at the moment he didn’t give you the chance to voice this before he was explaining himself. “I took myself off mission duty while you were in your coma and I am not going back out on the field until I know you are alright.”

“I would be a fool to pass up the chance to spend time with Captain America himself. Come on, make yourself useful and help me up.”

Like a soldier that had just received an order from their Commanding Officer Steve jumped up onto his feet quickly and before you’d even had time to hold out your hand to him you found yourself up on your feet with his arms around you for support. Your bleeding hand rested on his chest, the blood threatening to fall upon his shirt and stain it, while your other rested on the capsule door. You ran your fingertips along it as though you were tracing light patterns on the chest of the very person who lay inside it, wishing that was the case.

“I told him I loved him Steve. I finally told him how I feel and….”

He didn’t need this. You had lost the man you loved but compared to Steve you had barely known him at all. He must have been completely devastated that his friend was gone again.

“He loves you too [y/n]. I have known Buck my whole life and I have never seen him care for someone as much as he does you. I know it doesn’t mean the same coming from my lips but I swear that you will hear it from him one day.”

His hands guided you back over to your wheelchair but not before you shakily stood yourself up onto your tiptoes and placed a soft kiss onto the glass where his lips were.

“Could I just have a few minutes alone with him?”

Your question is directed at both Steve and the research team that were currently in the room and without even hesitating Steve signalled for the staff members to follow him into the corridor outside. He’d always been one of the truest gentleman you’d ever had the pleasure of meeting and you were going to make sure that you were there for him just as much as he has been, and will continue to be, for you. Sharon Carter was going to be one heck of a lucky woman once he pulled his finger out and took her on a date.

Mental note to self: Get Steve to realise just how amazing they two of them would be together.

Smiling to yourself your [e/c] eyes fell back onto the capsule with your sleeping love inside. In all the time you had known him you’d never seen him at so much peace; it was something you had longed for him to experience, albeit not exactly in this way, for his mind truly was broken – you had just always thought that you would be the one to help him repair it.

“You know….I’m fully aware that you don’t like to feel my wrath Buck but this is pretty extreme even for you.” You let out a soft laugh before your eyes drifted down to your interlocked hands on your lap, a more serious tone taking the place of the playful one. “You didn’t have to do this. I know how you feel about being dead to the world and I would never have wished this upon my worst enemy…I just wish you’d have spoken to me first. Waited until I woke up.”

Your emotions were beginning to consume you once again, a choked sob hitting your throat, but you forced the tears back and willed yourself to continue. This situation was about as bad as it could get and the last thing you needed was to lose control completely. You needed to be strong for him whether he was even aware that you were there or not. If he could see you now he would probably be laughing at the fact that you were crying over him…actually no he would be so goddamn cocky about it, self-inflating his ego. The very thought was enough to bring a genuine smile onto your face.

“Guess I am just gonna have to make sure you don’t forget about me. Then when you wake up I can slap you into the other side of next week for doing this to me.”

So you started to reminisce a little, talking out loud about all the crazy times you’d had with the super soldier, completely forgetting that a certain other soldier was waiting with bated breath for you to allow him back inside. The two most important people in his life were behind these doors, both of whom were hurting even if one was incapable of feeling it right now, and he needed to be in there with you.

Permanent tag list (still open):@fallenfairy16 @brieflybigwonderland @frolicsomefawkes @psychicwitchphilosopher @elwenia @imsecretlyromanburki @elaacreditava @marvel-fanfiction@wantingtobekorra @fandom-rpblog @just-call-me-your-darling @deanwinnchesterisbae @gayvvarden @marshmellowgems11 @justreadingfics @cinema212 @cassandras-musings @adellyhatter-blog @engineeringgirlcve @thewinterswimmer @buckyappreciationsociety @mizzzpink @hopelessgarbage @mary-is-coolbeans @fourtyninekirbygamzeegirl @noir-agneau @holywinchesterness @katie27hp @purplekitten30 @abbybills22 @misticalnellie @alwayshave-faith @sammnipple @upon-a-girl@yknott81@melconnor2007 @fadedsmile911@avc212 @milychetto @elsatheizequeen

Story tag list: @harleycativy @magellan-88 @bexboo616 @kuren-chan @sebstanwassup @evyiione @imstuckyonyou @luv-what-you-do @chipilerendi @gimmebuckysloveorelse @snapplejuice @deepnachodelusion  @irunintospace @iratebamboo

#a hidden pain #bucky x reader #steve x reader #hydra #cryo #marvel imagine #the avengers #stark tower #captain america #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader #not my gifs #request #answered #buckywintersoldierbarnes2017 #the winter soldier #the winter soldier x reader #sebastian stan #chris evans

[bvckysjournal]

Maybe It’s Okay

Summary: Bucky is appreciative.

Pairing: Stucky

A/N: so i suck and this does too but i wanted to put something out here and now i have so ye

It’s mornings like these that make Bucky feel okay.

Currently, he’s lying on the bed in their shared apartment in Brooklyn. He and Steve got it soon after they saw it. It wasn’t even for sale at the time, but Tony managed to pull some strings; he considered it repayment for the time Bucky saved his ass on a mission.

Now the two of them are constantly adding to it, growing their ever-expanding garden on the balcony and buying more blankets than they have room for. Steve tries to keep the budget low, but somehow Bucky manages to make him buy useless things anyways, because how can he say no?

The sun is bright in Bucky’s eyes, and Steve shifts closer to him when he turns his head. He could get used to this; this euphoric sense of safety, of home, which helps him be calm when he can see Zola and Pierce; standing in the kitchen, in his room, beside his bed at night, watching him.

Sometimes Steve is there, to calm him. There are nights where he wakes screaming from a nightmare, or he simply doesn’t move; it’s scared Steve shitless, seeing Bucky in a coma-like state that he can’t wake up from. Neither of them can ever quite understand what it is, but they both make sure that they’re moving for a while after that.

Other times, Bucky’s alone. He usually isn’t in public when it happens, but it still creeps up on him unexpectedly- and when you’re a highly trained assassin, nothing sneaks up on you. Ever. But it falls on him like a shadow, eclipsing the sun and throwing him into a blinding darkness. He tries to calm down, repeating that Bucky is here, the Winter Soldier is gone, I am in Brooklyn, I am safe, I have Steve, but Steve isn’t there and if he can’t hold on to Steve what can he hold on to?

These times normally end in him panting on the couch, wound up tight like every nerve in his body is retracting into itself and trying to get the rest of him to do the same. Somehow a blanket ends up on him, and Steve is suddenly there, holding his hand, kneeling next to him and speaking in that soothing tone of his and saying I’m here, Buck, you’re with me, we’re okay, we’re safe.

Bucky tries to believe him.

But how can two people be safe? How can the Winter Soldier sleep in the same bed as Captain America and not worry about all the people in the world trying to find them?

Bucky knows. He’s stared down the barrel of a gun and been the one behind the trigger- sometimes both at the same time, but Steve has brought himself back from the edge more than once. He hasn’t had an incident since.

Safe is temporary. There is no constant in this life. Nothing has ever stayed with him. Bucky’s had things given to him just so that they could be taken away. Life is cruel like that. People are cruel like that. Bucky just tries to accept it.

The thing is, he can’t. How is Bucky supposed to accept the fact that life is a dark and miserable path when he’s got his own ray of hope snoring by his side? How the hell is he supposed to fight his battles when Steve has already fought on the front line for him? How is Bucky supposed to let himself deserve good things? Hasn’t he only caused pain?

He’s tried to tell Steve he doesn’t deserve his love. He’s tried saying that every kiss that Steve gives him only adds to his transgression; how can something so beautiful grace something so horrid without any retribution on either?

Steve just kisses him and tells Bucky to shut up.

Now, Bucky is alright. He isn’t great- hell, he isn’t quite good yet- but he’s okay. He’s managing own his not-quite-own, but then again he never has. He tried to do it himself, go at it on his own, but he realized something when he was holed up Bucharest: he was never whole. He’s always been half- before the serum, before the Winter Soldier, before he ever signed up to get shipped off to a war that he was too young to fight in. He was only ever half a person, a broken shard of glass that managed to cut everyone except that skinny twig of a boy that managed to get into a fight with anyone who would kick his ass seven ways to Sunday in every alleyway there was in Brooklyn.

“Buck?” Steve’s voice is raspy, layered in raw light and coarse when he breaks Bucky from his reverie. “You good?”

Bucky smiles at him, taking in everything that Steve has to offer. He’ll never get over the fact that Steve’s there for him, not really. He isn’t sure he deserves it, and he’s tried to tell Steve that before, but somehow they always wind up together. Every fight, every stitch, every mission gone wrong has only proved to build something incredible, something unique.

It’s nice to have a constant in Bucky’s life, and if Steve is that constant then maybe he’s done something right after all.

“Yeah,” Bucky knocked his forehead against Steve’s, closing his eyes as the man next to him hums contentedly. “I’m doing alright.”

#Stucky #steve rogers #bucky barnes #stevexbucky #steve x bucky #Steven Grant Rogers #James Buchanan Barnes #Marvel #MCU #original fic #bvckysjournal #mine