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crazyinlovewithbucky · 8 months

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“In the bedroom, I’ll be screaming but outside, I’ll keep it quiet.”

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x avenger!Reader

Summary: You and Bucky had a sexual relationship and were hiding it from everyone in the team and the compound, making the relationship more exciting for you. Also, you discovered a secret kink Bucky had.

Warnings: smut with very little plot, overstimulation, p in v sex, RUSSIAN NICKNAMES, Soldat kink, Bucky being desperately horny, sex-tape, filming during sex, almost getting caught, praise kink, some degradation kink with name-calling, creampie, breeding kink, marking kink, hair pulling, kind of voyeurism kink??, Steve making appearance and being so sweet and gentle to reader, an odd mention of Pam and Tommy? fingering, finger sucking, fluff, aftercare, Russian praise, too many kinks, I lost track I'm sorry.

This smut was inspired by the song Low by SZA

AU/N: Hey guys, I don't know how to say this but this smut piece is literally written based on a dream I had lol. Hope you enjoy it and I'd like to remind you that English isn't my first language so excuse if I misspelled or mispronounced anything. Enjoy <3.

"Shit, get in. Get in." Your heart skipped a beat, and you got so excited and shy when you saw Bucky standing in front of your door completely naked with nothing but his bathroom robe on, and he opened it wide open as soon as you opened your bedroom door. You held his hand and pulled him in quickly before someone saw him like this. "What the hell are you doing?" You closed and locked the door, turned around to face him, and found his robe now pooling around his feet.

"I just missed you so much, baby doll. Come here." He pulled you by your arms to him and started kissing you hungrily, then he lifted you up in his arms, and you wrapped your legs around him by habit. You kissed him back deeply. "I just couldn't wait until they fell asleep. I need you so badly." He mumbled against your mouth and held you tightly as he turned towards your bed and threw you gently on it. "Clothes off now." He ordered, and you giggled as you didn't have many clothes on. Only your tank top and your panties. You took them off quickly and saw him already moving his metal hand up and down his hardened cock, and it was leaking pre-cum at the sight before his eyes: you, fully naked on your white bed sheets. All his.

He started at your feet, kissing and mumbling sweet words like miss this, miss you, love you, my doll, my perfect girl, and need you, moving all the way up to your calves, knees, and thighs, filling them with kisses and love bites. You smiled at how needy he was, as if you hadn't woken up in his arms this morning as he was fucking you awake, burying his head in your neck, and marking you there. You had to wear a turtleneck sweater all day long in the middle of August because of his marks on your neck, claiming you as his over and over again as he wanted desperately to show everyone that you are his, but unfortunately for him, you had to keep your relationship a secret because you don't want anyone snooping around or middling in that special bond you and Bucky have.

At first, you kept it a secret because you weren't sure if this relationship would work out or not, and if it didn't, you both didn't want it to be a big deal with everyone walking on eggshells around you guys. But to your surprise, it worked out, and it lasted for a whole year. You both thought the reason why it's going so well between you guys is because you're keeping it a secret, so this is why you try to hide it as best as you can, sneaking around and locking doors, making excuses to go on missions together as it feels like a gateway vacation for you both. Of course, you were working and getting your asses kicked, but you always made things up to make it last longer than it did so you could enjoy your time together and go on dates. It wasn't the best plan, but it made you both happy and got you both closer to each other. And all things aside, you both found it so thrilling and erotic to keep it hidden from everyone and sneak around, having quickies in conference rooms, on the quinjets, in Tony and Bruce's labs, in the gym, on the roof, and in a parked SUV. Because sadly, most of the time you both weren't alone; he was either with Steve or Sam, and you were always following Nat and Yelena around. So you both had to take advantage of any time you found yourselves alone in it.

"Take it easy, Soldat. Don't you remember this morning?" You smirked and rubbed his hair while he was kissing and sucking love marks on your inner thighs.

"I love it when you call me that." He chuckled, moved up your body, and kissed you passionately. He devoured your mouth with his. He pressed his body so close to yours, like you were a part of him. Wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly, afraid you might disappear if he ever let go. You wrapped your arms and legs around him, fearing the same thing. "Want to do nothing except for staying right here, like this, forever, моя любовь" he mumbled, and you moaned against his mouth when you heard your favorite Russian nickname, the one he always whispers in your ear when he tries to tease you in front of people. My love.

He moved his head down and started sucking and biting your nipples, giving each one the proper love and attention they deserve. while moving his hands, lifting your legs up, and bending you in half. You held them up and wrapped them around his torso. He sneaked his fleshy hand down to your cunt and cupped it. Rubbing and opening your lips down there and feeling your arousal soak his hand "All of this is for me, Кукла?" He rubbed your arousal all over your clit, earning some moans and whimpers from you. Then he moved his hand to his mouth and licked his digits clean of your wetness. "Tastes like heaven, as always." He pushed his tongue into your mouth and kissed you like his life depended on it. So passionately, you were slightly getting dizzy.

While getting drowned in his kiss, you felt his cock slowly poking your entrance. He pushed the head slowly inside, and you moaned against his mouth at how hot and hard it felt inside. You felt yourself gushing around him, just for the excitement of feeling his hardened cock filling you up. He moved his kisses to your neck, finding new places there to mark you. He pushed his cock inside of you slowly until he bottomed out, and both of you were moaning messes. You loved hearing him moan and whimper for you as much as he loved hearing the same sounds come out of you.

He picked up a slow and deep pace at first, while his mouth never left yours or your body. You were playing with his hair and moaning his name. "Damn, Bucky. I missed this so much. Please don't leave. I want you, like this all the time." You whimpered in his ear, and you swore you felt his cock twitching when he heard your words. You thought he was going to cum.

"Fuck, Y/N. You're killing me." He breathed hard and started an unrelenting pace, going faster and fucking his cock harder into you. His hand snaked down, and he rubbed quick circles on your clit. You cried out loud and couldn't control your screams and moans anymore. You couldn't handle it any longer, and suddenly, you heard that gushing sound coming out of you. You squirted and came all over his cock. You lost all control of your body, and you felt your walls uncontrollably clenching so hard on his cock. He moaned loudly as he emptied everything he had inside of you; that squelching sound became louder because of your mixed juices, and he couldn't stop fucking everything into you, filling you up, and marking you as always.

You were cut off from your trance by a loud banging on your door, and someone was trying to open your door. "Y/N, are you okay? Open the door." It was Steve, and from the sound of his voice, he was very concerned.

"Fuck, were we that loud?" you panicked and whispered to Bucky.

He chuckled at you and said, "You were that loud, doll, not me." He kissed your cheek while stressing the word 'you'.

Steve kept banging and trying to open the door, saying, "I'm going to break this down if you don't answer me."

"Holy shit," you whispered. "Steve, I'm fine. It's just—II was—Oh." You yelled back to Steve and were cut short because Bucky moved his semi-hard cock and kept fucking his cum into you, very slowly and deeply. "Buck, come on." You moaned quietly, but all this son of a bitch did was raise his eyebrows at you playfully and smirk.

"Looks like Steve will finally find out the slut you've been hiding under your innocent face, doll. And you know Steve loves to gossip with Nat." He smirked and bit your jaw playfully, knowing goddamn well that Steve tells everything to Nat, and Nat tells Yelena, and Yelena has a big mouth and will tell every single one in the compound that Steve saw you being fucked raw by his best friend, and that made you get more startled and out of breath.

"Y/N. What's wrong? Are you sure you're fine?" Steve yelled from the other side of the door.

"Y-Yes, Steve. I- Fuck" Bucky, being the torturous monster he is, he started sucking and kissing that sweet spot in your neck, making you forget you just squirted all over his cock and want nothing but to cum all over his cock over again.

"Don't stop those sweet sounds you make, doll. Let them know who's making you scream like a slut," Bucky whispered in your ear as he never stopped dragging his now-hardened cock in and out of you.

"Y/N?" Steve called. "I'm getting really worried here; I'm breaking down the door."

"No." You yelled loudly. "Stop, please. I'm just having period cramps." You yelled, then put your hand on your face from the embarrassment. Bucky giggled quietly at you, and you hit his shoulder.

"Period?" He smirked at you. "Have I really fucked you stupid already?" He chuckled while smirking at you as his right hand moved to your breast, and he pinched your left nipple playfully, which made you whine at him.

"Really? Do you need anything?" Steve calmed down a bit and asked with a still-concerned voice.

"No, Steve. I'm fine. I have everything I need. Thank you." You breathed out and bit Bucky's shoulder as he couldn't stop giggling and smirking at you.

"Okay. If you need anything, you can text me, I guess." Steve said, and you smiled at his sweetness.

"Will do, Cap. Thanks."

"Why don't you go fuck him instead, huh?" Bucky frowned at you after he pushed all of his length inside and stopped moving.

You rolled your eyes at him and were about to reply back, but Steve's voice stopped you. "Have you seen Bucky, by the way?" He asked from behind the door, and your eyes widened. Bucky smirked and was about to say something loudly, but you smacked your hand on his mouth quickly and flipped him over while his cock was still buried inside of you. You were straddling him now, on top of him, while your hand was still covering his mouth and shushing him.

"No, Cap. Not since dinner. Maybe he's in his room." You tried to stabilize your voice as much as you could as your eyes started to tear up from the burning that Bucky's cock was causing inside of you and your need to fuck yourself on him and cum again.

"He's not. I was in his room right before I heard you, and he wasn't there." He exclaimed. You cursed him and all the gods and everyone at this moment for disturbing your much-needed moment with Bucky like that. "Maybe he's taking a late-night ride or something."

"I was." Bucky mumbled from beneath you, your hand still covering his mouth. You rolled your eyes at him and told him to shut up.

"Anyways, thanks, Y/N. Get well soon. See ya." Steve said, and then you heard him walking away, and you sighed in relief.

Bucky kissed your hand that was covering his mouth, and you looked down at him. You admit he looks so sexy like that, with his messed-up hair, hazy half-lidded eyes, and kind of red cheeks. You removed your hand and kissed him deeply. He flipped you over again, so he was on top of you again and kissing you hungrily.

"I want to try something with you tonight." He smirked and licked his now-swollen lips. He lifted himself up slowly, opened your nightstand's drawer, and took out your vintage video camera. You're not surprised how well he knows its location; he knows every single item in your room like it's his own, as he spends most of his nights here.

The hobby you and Bucky shared and which was the topic of your first-ever conversation was photography. He really loved taking pictures of everything; it was his way of adapting to the new world, and as much as he liked how these new wireless phones had cameras in them, he was old-fashioned and had a nice collection of vintage film cameras. He takes pictures of everything he finds in his way; that was actually recommended first by his therapist, and it had good results for Bucky as he figured out he was passionate about that, so he always had his camera with him. You, on the other hand, had a passion for filming videos and making short movies and vlogs; when you were young, your dream was to be a filmmaker. You chose to be a superhero instead, but no one says you can't make videos and short movies as a hobby. So you always kept your cameras near, and Bucky knew all of their locations.

He opened it and turned it on, pointing the lens at his face and making silly faces to make sure it was recording. You laughed at him and at the silly faces he was making. "What are you doing, Barnes?" You giggled at him and sat up a little.

He smirked and kissed you. "I heard about this show that's based on this celebrity couple that made a sex tape in the 90s, and everyone was freaking out about it."

"Oh, really?" You made a shocked face at him and were playing along as if you weren't the one telling him about that show.

"Yeah. I guess it was a big deal back then." He flipped you over on your stomach as he was kneeling behind you, holding the camera in his hand while filming your naked body.

"Yeah?" You loved this idea but still looked confused and turned your head to face him, surprised he was actually into it.

He pointed the camera at your face and giggled, "Now, we're making one of our own." He raised his eyebrows at you playfully.

"Oh god, Bucky. You are crazy." You laughed and buried your head in the pillow.

"You're the reason, doll. You drive me crazy." He smirked. He grabbed one pillow and put it under your hips to give him easy access to your pussy.

He positioned the camera on the top right of the bed while making the lens focus on your body, and he saw that this was the perfect position from the flipped recording screen of the camera. You made a silly face at the camera and stuck your tongue out, making him laugh behind you. He brushed your hair with his fingers, grabbed it carefully with his hand, and kissed your shoulder. He lined his cock with his other hand at your entrance and pushed himself slowly inside, earning a gasp from you. As he pushed himself all the way inside and bottomed out, he laid on top of you while his grip on your hair tightened, and you arched your back against his chest while moaning out his name.

He started fucking faster into you right away. This position made his cock hit deeper spots inside you, and you could feel him all the way up to your lower stomach, and you knew if you touched it, you'd feel the bulge there. You couldn't wait till you hit your orgasm to see stars and white dots, as you can see them now from how deep he was and how hard he was fucking into you. You can feel his hot breath on the back of your neck, which gave you goosebumps all over, and that made you cry out louder than you already were.

He grabbed your hair harder, pulled your head up from the pillow, and pointed your face at the camera. "Look at the camera, шлюха. Look at yourself being fucked dumb." He whispered in your ear before biting your earlobe and sucking on it. You couldn't control your screams at that point, and you tried your hardest to muffle them on the pillow, but you couldn't because of how Bucky was holding your head up. You were praying silently that no one comes again and disturbs you from being fucked into another oblivion.

His other hand snaked up from your waist to your mouth as he pushed two fingers inside your mouth, and you welcomed them and sucked on them hungrily. You pushed your hips back to meet his hard thrusts, and you didn't know if it would be possible, but he somehow hit deeper, and his cockhead was poking your cervix over and over again. You screamed loudly but were muffled by his fingers in your mouth. Now you know why he let you suck on them in the first place. He doesn't want anyone to hear you either.

Somehow, while he was splitting you in half, your orgasm hit you suddenly like lightning, which made you squirm and shake vigorously underneath him as the overstimulation made you lose all control of your body. You closed your eyes and were tearing up while making all sorts of babbling and incoherent sounds. You didn't notice how hard you were clenching his cock until he was whimpering loudly and shooting his warm liquid inside of you. Filling you to the max. He couldn't handle how hard your soaked walls were clenching his bursting cock, so he pulled it all the way out and continued spurting all of his cum on your cunt and its lips. After your walls relaxed and stopped clenching so hard, he watched how your mixed cum dripped and got out of your swollen and abused hole. He almost drooled at the sight before him, but he proceeded to collect all of that mess between your legs with his fingers and fuck it back into you.

You were too overstimulated and kept squirming and trying to move your hips away unconsciously. "Stop moving, принцесса. We have to make it stick." You were moaning uncontrollably. He pulled his fingers out and licked them clean. He started kissing you all over, starting at your ass cheeks and moving up to your shoulder, neck, and eventually your lips.

You tried to kiss back but couldn't because you wanted to breathe more. He smiled and kissed your cheek, grabbed the camera, and stopped recording. He put it again in the drawer, saying, "We can watch that later. Now, let's get you all cleaned up, котенок" He flipped you over on your back again and was going to hold you up, but you stopped him.

"In a minute, please." You yawned, grabbed his hand, and pulled him next to you on the bed. "You killed me, Barnes. At least give me a moment to relax." You hugged him tightly and slept on his chest with his arms wrapped around you.

He chuckled, "If I gave you a minute, Y/L/N, you'll fall asleep, and we need to get cleaned up first." He rubbed your hair and massaged your scalp slowly, trying to ease it from how hard he was pulling your hair before.

"No." You mumbled and hugged him tighter.

"At least, let me clean and change the bed sheets. It's all wet and sticky because of you." He giggled at your childish behavior and tried to get up, but you held him so tightly.

"No." You whined and pouted your lips.

"Come on, doll. I'll make you a hot bath and let you nap a little in it." He drew circles on your arm and kissed your head. He tried to get up again, and you let him.

"Fine. Only if you put that lavender oil in it." You smiled lazily at him and let him hold you up, and you rested your head on his shoulder while he took you to your private bathroom.

"Все для моей принцессы." He kissed you deeply, then sat you on the sink and cleaned you up with a wet cloth after he turned the hot water on in the tub and put some lavender oil in it, waiting for it to be filled. He sat you in the tub gently as he cleaned himself up, wrapped a towel around his hips, and went to clean and change the bedsheets. He came back to the bathroom and saw you napping quietly in the tub. He smiled to himself at how beautiful you looked and went to the bedroom, grabbed one of your Polaroid camera, and took a picture of his sleeping beauty in the bathtub, looking so angelic. He took off the towel and joined afterwards. He sat behind you and made you rest your head on his chest and sleep on him as he kept rubbing your hips and waist from the bruises he caused earlier from grabbing you so hard and tight.

You woke up the next morning in his arms, in clean and fresh bedsheets, both of you smelling like lavender and wearing clean and soft underwear. You kissed his lips softly, and he opened his eyes slowly and smiled at you. "Good morning, Soldat." You kissed him again, and he kissed back.

"It's always a good morning when I wake up with you in my arms, моя любовь" he smiled and kissed you again. "I love you." He locked eyes with you and held your face with his hand while rubbing his thumb on your cheek.

"I love you," you said back, and you pressed your lips to his, kissing him deeply. Never in your life did you think you'd find true love and connection with someone. But here you are, absolutely head over heels for this man in front of you.

fin

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моя любовь = "my love" Все для моей принцессы = "anything for my princess" котенок = "kitten" принцесса = "princess" шлюха = "slut" Кукла = "doll"

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

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azulpitlane · 5 months

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just pr I ln4

pairing: lando norris x ricciardo!reader summary: after being caught hooking up with lando, you both decide it would be good for your images to fake date. too bad you hate each other. notes: been loving enemies to lovers rn🫣 masterlist

f1gossip

230,421 likes

f1gossip New WAG alert? After a night of partying, Lando Norris was pictured kissing Y/n Ricciardo outside the club! Onlookers claim they then went home together after this👀 He was seen having a private dinner with another girl just a few days ago and rumored to have brought a different girl on his ski trip a few weeks ago.

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user lando is on a streak LOL

user this is so random?!? i was not expecting this duo but im here for it HAHA

user no cause she rarely attends races but when she does shes never seen with lando?😭

user omg he better not play my girl, I love y/n

user WHAT DOES DANIEL THINK OF THIS OMG

user I wanna read the family gc so bad...

user wait they would be so cute

user is he finally settling down omg

user I hope so, I lowkey see them together

user im here for it!! shes so much better than these other girls hes been seen with

notification center

danny what. were. you. thinking. you're in so much trouble missy call me ASAP!!!

y/bff/n LANDO NORRIS?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM BEING A PIECE OF SHIT??? girl we need to debrief last night

lando norris we need to talk

Fucking fantastic.

Based on your notifications, you put two and two together and realized you were paparazzi'd with none other than the man you hated the most. You and Lando had a very complicated relationship to say the least. You had met when your brother, Daniel, joined McLaren and from the start he had given you the cold shoulder. You didn't know what you did wrong and tried to be kind to him, but after a while you stopped when he dismissed you like a child. You thought you would get along with him after Danny had told you about his interest in photography. You yourself were a photographer and decided to take the year traveling with your brother to capture some photos in F1, but you had figured the fame was getting to Lando especially after his breakup with his girlfriend. He was starting to bring different girls to the garage in every race and you would never see them again after.

You remember your last interaction with him in the McLaren garage in the final race of the '22 season was when the complicated part of your relationship began.

"What are you doing here, y/n? This is a place for serious professionals, not hobbyists."

"Lando, always the charmer. I'm here to photograph greatness."

"Greatness? You wouldn't know greatness if it lapped you on the track."

"Well, I'm pretty sure greatness doesn't come with an ego the size of your car."

"Watch your tone, y/n. This is a dangerous place, not a playground for kids."

"I can handle myself, Lando. Unlike some people, I don't need a helmet to protect my head."

Both your eyes were filled with hatred as they interlocked, each refusing to back down. As the race begins, y/n continues to snap photos, capturing Lando's intense focus and determination.

After the race, both Lando and Daniel were disappointed they were not able to get into the podium on their last race of the season. Your brother asked for some time alone so you approached Lando, camera in hand, knowing it would be the last time you were in the same garage as him.

"Tough race, Lando. I got some incredible shots, though."

"Don't patronize me, y/n."

"You know for what it's worth, I saw a different side of you on the track this season. It's like you're fighting not just against other drivers, but against something within yourself.

"What are you talking about?"

"I may be the younger sister of your teammate, but I'm not blind. There's more to you than the arrogant facade you put on."

After that conversation, you began seeing Lando less and less considering your brother was now racing in AlphaTauri and you were hardly at the paddock anymore. The few times you did see Lando, the tension had shifted into something different. But it was now winter break and you and Lando were both back in Monaco.

You had gone out last night and you did not believe your luck when you saw Lando in the same club with a smirk on his face. Determined to show you could rise above the tension, you decided to lose herself in the pulsating rhythm of the music. As you moved to the beat, you felt a tap on your shoulder. Turning around, you found yourself face-to-face with none other than Lando.

"Surprised to see me, princess?" He looked at you with a mocking smile knowing the nickname would rile you up.

"Surprised to see you alone at a club and not wrapped up with some girl? Yes, actually."

"Didn't take you for the jealous type, I like it."

Against your better judgment, you found herself drawn into banter with him. The tension between you turned into a strange kind of chemistry as you exchanged barbs, each remark escalating in intensity. A few drinks were exchanged and you slowly began to lose your guard around him and eventually ending up on his bed that night.

You groaned at the memory of last night's mistake and decided it was best to text Lando back before anyone else to get your story straight. He quickly replied saying he was on his way and you began to straighten yourself up.

"You know usually when I hook up with a girl I don't see her the next morning. Consider yourself lucky y/n."

"Still arrogant as ever, even when we're both fucked right now."

"Well you're a little more fucked than I am really."

"Just get in here Lando." You opened the door to let him in and quickly shut it afraid you would be pictured together again.

"I've got good news for you sweetheart. My team has made a plan to sort this mess out."

"Go on with it. What is it?"

"Jeez feisty in the mornings, heh? But congratulations, you are officially my girlfriend, we've been dating for a few weeks now and have kept it under wraps to figure out our feelings for each other privately."

"A fake relationship? That's your solution? No fucking way."

Lando sighed and rolled his head back in annoyance. He knew you were immediately going to shut this idea down but he had planned what he was going to say beforehand and knew what to say to convince you.

"You think I want to do this? My team needs me to do this, I haven't exactly looked like a saint these past few weeks and hooking up with my friend's sister behind his back isn't going to make me look any better."

"And what's that got to do with me?"

"Well in case you haven't noticed, this doesn't look good on your part either princess. There's some hateful people on the internet already slut shaming you and saying you betrayed your brother. If we tell people we were already dating prior to these pictures, it lessens the hate. Not only that, are you really going to tell Danny you had a meaningless one night stand with one of his friends?"

You knew he had a point. Danny wasn't going to be happy if he found out about the brewing tension between you and Lando.

"Please y/n, the internet already likes us together. This would be good for us."

"Lando Norris saying please? Wow, never thought I'd see the day." You genuinely were shocked at his desperateness for you to agree, you didn't think about how this affected him as much it did you.

"Yeah, yeah. It's only for a few months then we could go back to pretending we dont exist to each other."

"Okay fine, just for a few months. And I'm doing this for Danny, not for you." You quickly agreed not really thinking it would be that big of a deal. Just a few posts and appearances together and this would be over before you knew it.

"I knew you'd give in." Lando gave you one of his infamous smirks and planted a kiss in the corner of your mouth. "Now come on we need some pictures to make this convincing."

And so it begins.

landonorris

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landonorris secrets out

tagged yourusername

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user OMFG

user im actually so happy theyre so cute😭❤️

user WHAT WAS DANNYS REACTION

yourusername 🧡

danielricciardo on the next flight to monaco btw. maxverstappen1 yourusername ooouuu you're in troubleeee user LMFAO MAX user WAIT DID DANIEL NOT KNOW???

danielricciardo 🫠🫠

user AHAHAH he doesn't seem too happy user 💀

user am I tripping or is he holding y/ns camera🥹

user it looks like the one she always has on her I LOVE THEM ALREADY

user my new roman empire I won't shut up about them from now on

user wasn't lando just with other girls?

user he can have female friends!! its not impossible

part two??

#lando norris x reader #lando norris imagine #lando norris smau #lando norris fanfic #lando norris x you #lando norris x y/n #lando norris #f1 x reader #ln4 #f1 fanfic #daniel ricciardo #f1 imagine #f1 fic #mclaren formula 1 #lando norris imagines #lando x reader #lando fluff

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shellshocklove · 5 days

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does anyone know where the love of god goes? | joel miller

pairing/AU: joel miller x female!reader – post breakout & no ellie AU

summary: crossing the country alone as he searches for his brother, joel stumbles on a farm. winter is closing in, and against his better judgement he's convinced to stay. as the frost covers the land like a blanket, a warmth ignites in his heart for the young woman who's home he finds himself in.

warnings: this is an 18+ fic so minors dni!!! canon-typical violence, age gap (reader is mid to late twenties), swearing, dead animals, joel being a sad man, masturbation, no use of y/n

a/n: i soft launched this ao3 last month and it flopped lol so i'm gonna keep my expectations low for this series. anyways this has been a story i've been thinking about since probably october. this is the first part of what i'm hoping will be 3 parts. happy reading i guess

main masterlist / series masterlist / ao3 / playlist

The leaves rustled against Joel’s boots with every step he took. The sun had turned traitor cold, and he couldn’t feel its kiss against his cheek no more. The trees shivered above him in the wind – the only sound for miles except his heavy steps.

Did he still exist, with no one around? Joel had never minded being alone; after the breakout he’d found that he sometimes preferred it. People could be… well, when you’ve seen the worst of humanity, maybe it’s best to leave it behind.

And wasn’t he the worst of humanity? The things he’d done. The people he’d killed, and killed for. The people he’d lost.

But he had to keep going. For Tess. He promised.

Every night as he stared into the flames his thoughts would drift to her – the memories flickering in the fire. They should’ve never gone through that museum – it was supposed to have been empty – they should’ve never left Boston in the first place. Now Tess is gone because of him, him and his stupid plan to find his brother.

And for what? How is he ever gonna find Tommy?

Joel didn’t even know where he was. Nebraska? South-Dakota? Maybe he’d made it to Wyoming and just didn’t know it? Abe had told him ‘Cody Tower’, but Joel hadn’t seen anything other than mother nature for weeks.

Everything had started to look the same. Trees and more trees, a mountain in the distance, a grey and heavy sky above him. He’d been walking for forever. Slowly he moved west– or at least he thought he was. On the days where the sun hung high in the sky and wasn’t shielded behind a cloudy partition, he liked to watch it as it dipped below the earth. As the days turned shorter and shorter, the display of color had started to get more vivid. Joel would watch the light blue turn red and bloody, fiery tongues of flames licking over the horizon while the sharp edges of the mountains, and the triangular shapes of the trees faded into an intense black– like the shape of the mountain and the trees had been cut out with scissors. There wasn’t much to stay alive for anymore– but Joel lived for those few moments where nature painted with fire. Humanity might’ve gone to shit, but the cyclical regularity of mother nature gave Joel a small sense of peace.

But he missed the kiss of the sun against his cheek now. He’d moved into a large forest a few days ago. Tall trees hovered over him like giants and cast shadows down at him. It was colder here than out in the open country, but at least he’d been somewhat shaded from the rain pouring from the grey cover above his head the last few days.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

The sound stopped Joel in his tracks. Muscle memory worked on its own, gripping the shotgun slung over his shoulder. He listened for the sound again, to the steady rhythm echoing through the forest.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

With slow calculated steps Joel walked in the direction of the sound with the shotgun held tightly to his chest, his finger hovered over the trigger. The chopping sound got louder as he closed in on a man. He couldn’t tell his age with the man’s back turned – but he was strong – Joel could tell from how hard the man’s axe hit the tree trunk.

Taking another silent step, Joel got in position, “How ‘bout you slowly turn around and place that axe on the ground.”

Joel’s voice was hoarse after no use, but still cold and calculated as he spoke his order. He could see he’d startled the man, probably thinking he was alone, just like Joel had thought mere minutes ago.

The man obeyed, turning around slowly. He was older than Joel, maybe mid-seventies, maybe older if the wrinkles and creases around his eyes and nose were to be believed. His hair was white as snow matching his unkempt beard. Joel caught his eye. Strong and steady, no trace of fear one would think a man would feel while having a gun pointed at them.

Joel’s grip around the gun tightened. He wasn’t afraid to pull the trigger if that’s where this was headed. The man watched him calmly before he bent his knees, throwing the axe haphazardly on the ground.

“Kick it over here,” Joel commanded again, and the man obeyed, kicking the axe clumsily towards Joel.

Slowly Joel crept closer, gun still pointed at the man. He locked the heel of his shoe against the shaft, dragging the axe behind him and out of the way.

“Hands where I can see ‘em.”

“Are you going to kill me, son?”

The man’s question puzzled Joel. He said it so calmly, like how you’d ask someone to pass the salt.

“That depends on you.” Joel’s answer pulled at the old man’s lips, a small huff of a laugh escaping them.

“Well, you’re the one with the gun. I think it depends on you.”

Joel tightened his grip on the shotgun again – he didn’t know why –to frighten the man? He didn’t seem very frightened.

“Are you alone?” Joel asked.

“Not anymore,” the man answered.

“Don’t be a smartass,” Joel gritted through his teeth, “who you travelin’ with?”

“No one,” the man’s eyes never left Joel, “I live at a farm about a mile away.”

“Take me to it.”

The man walked with a limp Joel noticed. It was barely there, you wouldn’t see it if you didn’t pay attention, but it was there. The man acted tough enough, but his body revealed his weaknesses. It would be easy to kill him, Joel thought, if it came to that.

He followed the man through the trees with his gun pointed at his back. When they reached the end of the forest a clearing revealed itself. They followed a path through a field of, tall but wilted, brown grass until they reached an overgrown gravel road with a fence running along it. Looking out in the distance, Joel could see small spots of white and black wool. The gravel moaned under their feet as they closed in on a small farm. A two-story house sat in the middle of the barnyard where it was surrounded by a barn who’d seen better days, a silo, and a smaller farmhouse – a stable – Joel noticed as they walked closer.

The man trudged up the front stairs of the main farmhouse, a hand on the handrail keeping him steady.

“Put that gun away would you, son? I don’t want you frightening my wife.” The man broke the silence between them, speaking for the first time since they left the woods.

Joel’s grip on his shotgun didn’t loosen. How could he be sure that this man’s ‘wife’ wasn’t some gang of raiders hiding behind the front door? A question he asked the man through gritted teeth when he turned around to look at Joel.

“There’s nothing of the sort around here,” the man said, “we don’t even see any infected.”

When Joel didn’t say anything, and didn’t lower the gun, the man spoke again, “Who are you?”

“Just someone passin’ through,” Joel answered, making the man chuckle.

“You’re something else, passer-througher,” the old man smiled before he turned around again and stepped inside, leaving Joel on the porch alone.

Abandoned outside he lowered his gun slightly. Inside he could hear muffled voices, a deeper one, definitely the old man, and a brighter one, a woman’s voice. He listened, trying to make out their words with no prevail. The man seemed to have spoken the truth up until now. He most definitely lived on this farm – a seemingly normal farm. This man was just someone making an honest living – even after the apocalypse.

Lowering the gun completely, Joel put the safety on before he slung it over his shoulder. Taking a hollowed step towards the front door, movement in the window to the right of him caught his eye. It was there and then it was gone – just a ruffle of blonde curtains. Then, the door opened revealing an elderly woman.

The man’s wife.

“Welcome, traveler,” she greeted, stepping aside to let Joel in.

He passed through the doorway with a “Thank you, ma’am,” never forgetting his manners even after pointing a gun at her husband.

Inside it looked like a picture taken straight out of a Homes & Gardens magazine. The house was cozy, but it was small. He’d been welcomed into what probably used to be a parlor, but now served its purpose as their living room. It was hard to get a read on the house. Not like those open-floor plan houses he’d built too many of back before the outbreak – this was old, maybe hundreds of years old. The floorboard creaked under his shoes as he walked deeper into the living room, the rest of the house locked away like a secret behind three closed doors. The man was seated in a lounge chair by the fireplace, watching Joel with an expression Joel found it hard to decipher.

“Would you like some tea?” the woman asked, “It’s peppermint from our garden.”

Joel turned his head to the woman. She must be around the same age as the old man, Joel thought. He cleared his throat before he answered with a nod, “Thank you, ma’am.”

She pointed to the sofa, urging him to sit down with a smile before she disappeared through one of the doors to what Joel thought must be the kitchen. He felt the old man watching him as he slid his backpack off his shoulders, placing it on the creaky wooden floor behind the sofa. Joel hesitated for just a second when placing the shotgun up against the back, but decided he wasn’t in any imminent danger.

Joel almost groaned as he sat down. He’d been walking for so long, slept on the hard ground for months, he’d almost forgotten what a comfortable chair was. It almost felt surreal, being invited in for tea, like the outbreak had never happened. Here, it was like the time had stood still.

“So,” the man started, “where are you heading to if you’re just ‘passin’ through’?”

Joel cleared his throat again, “I’m lookin’ for my brother,” he answered truthfully, “last I heard he was somewhere in Wyoming.”

“If you’re going to Wyoming, then what you’re doing all the way up here?” The man queried with a chuckle.

Annoyed, Joel grinded his teeth, “Not many signs in the fuckin’ woods are there?” He huffed.

“I guess not,” the man shrugged, “but you’ve made a heck of a detour… where did you come from? Texas? You sound it.”

“Boston.”

“Boston?” the man didn’t hide his surprise, breathing out chuckles in disbelief, “I’ll give it to you, that’s one long trip.”

Joel only huffed in agreement, turning his head from the man to the window overlooking the barnyard.

“Well,” the man broke the growing silence between the two men, “you’re more than welcome to stay for dinner and for the night– you look like you could need a hot meal and a warm bed.”

Joel’s instinct was to say no, but before he could the front door opened, revealing a young woman. You.

You stopped dead in your tracks as you laid your eyes on Joel, “Oh!”.

The door slammed behind you. Under your arm you were carrying a metal bucket filled with apples. You were beautiful, young, but still beautiful – Joel couldn’t deny it.

“This is…” The man paused.

“Joel.” He cleared his throat, introducing himself, “Joel Miller.”

“Mr. Miller is just passing through– he’s looking for his brother,” the old man explained to you.

You nodded at the information, sat the bucket down before you reached out a hand for Joel to take, introducing yourself. Your hand in his was warm and soft while his own dwarfed yours, rough and calloused. He couldn’t help but think about what his hands had done, the people they’d killed. He shouldn’t be tainting yours, painting them red. Joel quickly drew his hand back, balling it into a fist at his side.

Joel looked over at the old man, “Your daughter?” he asked with a tilt of his head in your direction.

“Oh, no,” the man answered with a playful smile, “You’re not the first person ‘passin’ through’ who’s shown up on our doorstep.”

The door to the kitchen opened to reveal the old woman with a teapot in her hand, and a stacked tower of teacups in the other.

“Let me help you Alma,” you said, taking the teacups from the old woman’s hand before placing them on the table; one in front of Joel, a second in front of the old man, “Here you go Arthur,” and a third next to Joel.

“Did you also want some tea, sweetie?” Alma asked you as she placed the steaming teapot on the table.

“Yes, please, but I can grab a cup myself– sit down,” you smiled and padded the old woman’s shoulder, then you grabbed the bucket of apples and disappeared into the kitchen.

Alma started pouring the tea as a silence fell over the room. A small, “Thank you, ma’am,” left Joel’s lips as she moved on to pouring tea for her husband.

“So,” the man started before taking a sip of his tea, “what do you say Mr. Miller? You staying for the night?”

That night as he laid in a real bed for the first time in months, Joel had trouble falling asleep. He wasn’t used to this. Hadn’t been used to it for a while. His belly full, soft fabric against his skin, feeling warm, and clean. The old couple had offered him one of the two bedrooms on the first floor, the two mystery doors in the living room now revealed. Laying in his new bed he tried not to think about who he was sharing a wall with.

You.

You were something else, helpful and kind. Everything Joel hadn’t seen since the outbreak. At the dinner table you’d asked him questions and listened intently – even when his answers were short and brisk. There was a glimmer in your eye, and it touched something inside him he hadn’t felt in a long time. But you were young, mid to late twenties he reckoned, maybe a little older– anyways, he shouldn’t be harboring anything for you, it wouldn’t be right. Especially now, now that he’d agreed to stay.

After the dinner plates had been cleared, Arthur had folded a big map out on the table. “Here are we now,” he’d pointed a finger at the map. Montana. Southern Montana to be precise. “I’ll give it to you Mr. Miller, if you’ve made it this far on your own you probably won’t have any trouble making your way down south to Wyoming.”

“But?” Joel watched the grimace pulling at the old man’s face.

“But,” Arthur had said, “Winter is just around the corner and… well, going back out there in the wilderness alone during our winters is a dead trap, I’ll tell you that much.”

Joel had let the man go on about the far below freezing temperatures, the heavy snow, and the tough wind, but Joel wasn’t stupid. He knew the winters up here were harsh. It wasn’t even winter yet, but every day he’d felt the temperature drop lower and lower, and the last few of nights he’d even had to get a fire going, against his better judgement.

So– the deal was: Joel would stay over the winter. Just for the winter, he’d been adamant on not staying longer. He’d get a place to stay, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in his belly on one condition – he’d help out on the farm.

The fire crackled loudly, red tongues licking up the chimney as Joel fed it another log. He watched as the fire caught in the new log, devouring it quickly and with no mercy. It was really starting to heat up now. A small flicker of pride sparked in Joel chest. He’d always been good at building a fire. It was one of those things, Joel had come to learn, where you needed to pay attention, to have patience.

When he was younger, he’d take Tommy out camping sometimes, just the two of them. Mostly they’d go during the summer; Tommy wasn’t a fan of sleeping outside in the cold, though cold had meant something different back then in Texas. But Joel remembered one time he’d managed to convince him to go with him. It was right after he’d gotten his driver’s license, and his parents had given him a beat-up truck for his birthday – for sharing – they’d told him, “You need to give your little brother a ride when he needs it!” Joel wasn’t exactly thrilled about his future as Tommy’s private driver, but it didn’t mean he didn’t love his brother.

A few weeks into October he’d managed to convince Tommy to go camping. They’d packed the truck with their tents, sleeping bags, and fishing equipment, before they’d gotten on the road, driving to a lake where they knew there were fish to catch. Finding a place to camp was always difficult with Tommy. They’d parked Joel’s truck at the edge of the forest before they’d followed a hiking trail. Joel was convinced they’d walked at least three quarters of the way around the lake before they found a spot good enough for Tommy.

It had to be flat, but also shielded. There couldn’t be too many rocks, but there also had to be enough rocks to build a hearth. Tommy wanted it to be private, but he also wanted it to be open enough that he could see if someone would stumble upon their camp. Joel knew not to argue with him when he got like that, opting instead for a defeated, “Whatever.”

Setting up camp went relatively easy. They’d worked together building the tents, collecting rocks for their fireplace, and even managed to find a fallen tree to use as a bench. When the night slowly started to cover them in darkness, Tommy decided to get the fire going. Joel watched him work the logs into a pile as he started on filleting the fish they’d just caught.

“You’re doin’ it wrong,” he’d told his brother, “You’re suffocatin’ it.” He’d washed his hands in the lake, ridding himself of the slimy smell of fish, before crouching down next to Tommy.

The fire was one big bowl of smoke, and Joel caught himself wondering what messages Tommy must’ve been sending to the heavens. He removed some of the heavier logs, and the fire could breathe.

“See?” he’d looked at Tommy, “It just needed air.” Joel had shifted the smaller pieces of wood around and not long after the fire was alive.

That Joel, that green boy who liked to take his little brother camping, that Joel didn’t know how much those skills would come in handy in a few years when the world would get turned upside down.

“Do you have any mittens, Joel?”

Your question pulled Joel from his memories. He turned his head slightly, meeting your gaze from where you were huddled up in the corner of the couch. You looked cozy, but he knew you weren’t. The house was cold this morning, outside a thin layer of frost had stuck to the grass during the night. It was early too, the sun not having climbed high enough yet to peek over the mountains. You looked tired where you sat, clad in a wool sweater with a blanket pulled over your knees. Under the blanket Joel remembered you were still wearing your pajama pants, and in your hand you held a steaming cup of tea, peppermint, Joel knew, his own cup abandoned on the coffee table.

“What?” Joel answered, eyebrows furrowed.

“Do you have any mittens, Joel?” you repeated softly, like the way people tended to speak in the mornings, like they were afraid they’d wake up the world.

His calves were starting to burn from the strain of being crouched in front of the fireplace for a moment too long, and he tried his best to hide his groan, biting his teeth together as he stood to his feet, knees cracking loudly.

“Um, no,” he said, confused about your question.

“I’ll knit you a pair then,” you smiled before putting your cup down next to his.

“That’s… that ain’t necessary,” Joel hurried, but you waved him off.

“Sure it is,” you smiled again, much to Joel’s annoyance. He didn’t deserve your kindness, but you gave it away like it cost nothing. “If you’re gonna be helping Arthur out in the woods this winter, you need some mittens.”

Joel watched as you got up from your home on the couch and vanished into your bedroom. A moment later you appeared in the doorway with a basket under your arm.

“Also…” you gave him another smile as you sat back down again, placing the basket in your lap. It was close to overflowing with yarn, balls of black and white in varying sizes peeking over the top, the homespun ends fraying against the rough edges of the basket. “I’ll have something to do during the evenings,” you winked before you rummaged through the basket and fished out a measuring tape.

Joel shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he watched you. Mittens? Joel can’t remember if he’s ever owned a pair of mittens. Gloves, sure, but mittens?

You patted the cushion next to you, urging him to sit down, kind smile hanging off your lips like always. Sitting down, he folded his hands in his lap, suddenly very aware of how close you were sitting. It wasn’t like he hadn’t sat next to you before; he’d been here a few weeks now, and he was starting to know you, but for some reason, this felt different. Maybe it was the early morning, the quiet house, or the fact that Alma and Arthur were still sleeping upstairs, but it felt like it was just the two of you, alone, and Joel didn’t know how to feel about it.

You shifted towards him, the blanket slipping slightly off the couch with your movement, in your hands you held the measuring tape while you looked at him expectantly.

When Joel didn’t move, a smile quirked at the corner of your mouth before you grabbed one of his hands resting in his lap. You uncurled his fingers slowly, one by one, making Joel hold his breath.

“I need to see how big I need to make them,” you whispered, holding his hand very gently.

Joel’s heart hammered in his chest. Your hand was warm and soft, like the last time he’d touched you as you’d introduced yourself to him. Joel didn’t dare look at your face, or he’d say something stupid, so he didn’t. He looked at your joined hands, his brain trying to remember the last time someone had held his hand as gently as you did, your thumb running over the back of it soothingly.

He can’t remember. His hands are always empty.

With your other hand, a finger curled around the measuring tape, you slipped it around his wrist before leaning closer to look at the numbers.

“Is this too tight you think, or do you want them to be looser?” You asked through your lashes, eyes sparkling in the low morning light.

Joel cleared his throat, “No, that’s fine.”

“Okay,” you nodded, slipping the measuring tape from his wrist to write down the measurement. He hadn’t noticed your notebook until now. It was a little rough around the edges from use, the spined cracked and the paper a little yellow. Placing the pen in the seam, you grabbed the measuring tape again.

Loosening your grip on his hand you placed it over the thick of your thigh. Joel drew a quick breath, his heartbeat hammering in his ears, under his hand he could feel the warmth of you through the soft flannel.

You continued taking your measurements. You didn’t say anything, so neither did Joel, but you looked up at him through your lashes sometimes, and Joel thought that maybe the most useful thing one can do with empty hands, is hold on.

The creak of the stair made Joel jump, and like he’d been burned his hand retracted on reflex, as Arthur’s heavy steps got closer.

“Morning,” Arthur greeted as he ducked his head through the door to the living room.

“Mornin’,” Joel mumbled, head lowered as he gathered his hands in his lap.

“Good morning!” you smiled, always with that kind smile, “Did you sleep well, Arthur?” you got up from your seat before grabbing your teacup to follow Arthur into the kitchen, leaving the yarn and Joel.

Taking a deep breath, Joel pinched the top of his nose. He needed to get it together. You were just being your regular kind self; your soft touch was nothing more than that. Standing to his feet, Joel grabbed his own cup, trudging into the kitchen.

In the kitchen Arthur sat in his usual spot at the dining table, the chair closest to the window. “I need to get on with this barn soon,” Joel heard him say as he sat down opposite him. “It’s gonna fall apart come spring if we get as much snow as we did last year.”

Joel tried his best not to look at you as he heard you hum. You were stood at the kitchen counter slicing the bread Alma had baked yesterday, readying breakfast. Instead, Joel opted to gaze down into his teacup, where the peppermint leaves had all gathered at the bottom.

“Um,” Joel cleared his throat, “what needs fixin’?”

“What doesn’t need fixing in that barn?” Arthur sighed, peeling his eyes from out the window to Joel.

“I can uh,” Joel eyes shifted quickly to you before he cleared his throat again, “I can take a look at it, if ya want?”

Arthur’s eyebrows met in a furrow as he looked at Joel.

“I used to be a contractor,” Joel explained with a shrug, before taking a last cold sip of his tea.

“So, you know a thing or two about buildings I reckon?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah, well I used to,” Joel leaned back in his chair.

“Well, that would be very helpful Joel– I’d appreciated it!” Arthur smiled before leaning back in his chair making room for you as you started setting the table. Joel gave him a short nod in return, trying to fight the urge to look at you as you placed the food on the table.

Arthur had downplayed the state of the barn – it was a mess – it was dangerous, and had Joel told him as much. But it was nothing Joel couldn’t fix, as long as he had the right supplies, fortunately for him the forest would provide them with what they needed.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

The axe dug a deep wound into the bark with every swing. Joel’s breath was heavy, and his arms ached, but it was a welcomed form of tiredness. A month into it, he was starting to get used to the work. There was something so satisfying about manual labor, of using his hands, of making something – he’d almost forgotten.

The routine of the work felt good. Waking up at dawn, then breakfast, he could use his body for something useful for the first time in twenty years and end the day with a warm meal for supper. This new temporary life was simple, but it was strangely normal.

Originally, Joel was only helping Arthur out in the woods for firewood through the winter– but now with the barn, they’d changed course. The last few days they’d started to become more selective with the trees; looking for the tallest and straightest ones that would fall safely.

A frozen sky hovered over the men as they worked. This morning when Joel had woken up, the thinnest layer of snow had fallen like powdered sugar during the night, turning the world bright with winter. Earlier in the week the frost had perched on the farm, and Joel had known winter was closing in. He’d lost count of the days and months passing while on his own, but Arthur had told him it was late October.

“It will start snowing properly soon,” Arthur said, breaking the silence between them.

Joel hummed before taking a bite of his packed lunch. They’d worked all morning – Joel felling the trees and Arthur cleaning them up and removing the branches. Now they were sat on a fresh tree stump each, their first break of the day.

“I have an old logging sled in the barn– used to be my father’s,” Arthur explained, “I think we should leave the trees here until the snow gets deep enough for the sled and have the horses pull them back to the farm.”

“Fine by me,” Joel took another bite of his lunch.

“The logs will have to dry out over the winter,” Arthur mused, “Then come spring we can start the repairs on the barn.”

Spring. If everything goes according to plan, Joel won’t be here come spring. He needed to find Tommy– he couldn’t, and he wasn’t gonna stay on the farm for any longer than necessary. He’d already decided– when the snow finally started to melt, Joel was gone.

Joel hummed, a non-committed answer. It was easier that way, to not get Arthur’s hopes up. He liked Arthur, he was a good man, a hard worker even in his old age, and silent when Joel wanted him to be. Joel liked Alma too, but her age shined through more easily than Arthur’s. Joel couldn’t help but notice her repeating herself more often and forgetting where she put things. It made life harder for you, Joel could see it. Your responsibilities were already a lot to handle as you took care of the animals mostly by yourself, but as Joel had discovered Alma starting to struggle with the housework, he’d noticed you starting to help her more often. In Joel’s mind it was unfair to you, but it wasn’t like he could blame Alma for growing older, in this world it was a feat.

Still, he’d try his best to help you when he could, like doing the dishes after dinner as you dried them off and put them away. The first few times you were both quiet, it was strangely intimate, only the sound of splashing water filling the space between you. One night he'd gotten brave, breaking the comfortable silence and asked you ‘What you thinkin’ about, sweetheart?’ You’d looked at him with big eyes, searching his own for something, but before he could figure out what it was, you’d answered him with a shrug. It was unlike you, unlike you to be this silent, but Joel didn’t push. The next night the silence persisted, and he’d thought adding ‘Sweetheart’ had been too much, but then the next night you’d sighed quietly and whispered, “I’m worried about Alma.”

Looking down at the mittens in his lap, the guilt gnawed at him. The look of worry in your eyes, Arthur’s hopeful wishes, and Alma’s aging. Joel couldn’t have anything tying him to this place. He was supposed to find his brother.

Suddenly, a black and orange butterfly landed on Joel’s knee. Joel stopped breathing, body going rigid as he tried not to move. How the hell was this butterfly still alive? It sat quiet on his knee, wings slowly retracting and widening behind it. Memories pushed its way to the forefront of Joel’s mind then.

Sarah. Another year had gone by, and the thought made his chest tighten.

“That’s quite a sight at this time of year,” he heard Arthur say, “Beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Y-yeah,” Joel stammered out an answer, afraid his voice would scare it away.

The longer Joel watched the butterfly he found his guilt started to slowly melt away. It’s okay, dad. It was like the rustling of the trees carried her voice with them. You’re on the right path.

“I can do that f’you want, sweetheart.”

Joel’s boots creaked under him as he walked across the barnyard. You looked up at the sound of his voice, smile blossoming across your face as you tightened your grip on the shovel.

“It’s alright,” you said with a grunt as you picked up more snow, adding it to the growing pile, “Good for me to get some physical work in.”

Joel nodded as you straightened up, hand going to your hip while the other leaned on the shovel, your heavy breath curled in small plumes out of your mouth. You took him in for a second, eyes flickering over his form before they fell on the rabbits hanging over Joel’s shoulder.

“Where’d you get those?” you asked, and Joel shrugged.

“Shot ‘em,” he said simply, “they walked right by me as I was choppin’– seemed too good to pass up.”

“Not for the rabbits,” you muttered, and Joel had to fight the urge to smile.

“You a vegetarian or somethin’?” he asked with a single raised eyebrow, and you waved him off.

“No,” you said pointedly, but a teasing lilt lingered, “Just stating a fact... we don’t eat a lot of rabbit around here, is all.”

Joel nodded slightly; it made sense. He knew there was a gun in the house, but it was a revolver– too small to do any real hunting, and Joel didn’t even know if there were bullets for it. So, Joel didn't ask further. Lucky for him, you did.

“So, you just shot those?” you asked, a frown pulling at your eyebrows, “Aren’t they fast?”

Joel made a nonchalant sort of face. “Ain’t that hard when you can aim straight.”

“Well, how do you aim straight?”

“You learn to shoot.”

You let out a small laugh, one that pulled at Joel’s lips. “And how did you go about learning that?”

Joel felt his smile drop, the leather strap of his shotgun weighing heavy on his shoulder, “Practice.”

You didn’t seem to notice the change in his demeanor as you dug the shovel into the snow, so it stood by itself like a watchman. “Can you teach me?” you asked, the snow creaking under your shoes as you took a few steps closer.

His lips pulled at the corner, “No.”

Your eyes widened with disappointment, eyebrows pulling together in a frown as you asked, “Why?”

“Nothin’ good ever comes from it,” Joel shrugged.

“Okay,” you huffed a laugh, “that’s sinister.” Then you narrowed your eyes at him, gearing up for an argument no doubt with the way you rested your hand on your hip. “What if I also wanted to go hunting?” you posed, and Joel shook his head.

“That ain’t happenin’, sweetheart.”

“Okay, but now you’ve brought us rabbits– and what if I end up really liking rabbit?” you bit down on your bottom lip, unconsciously showing off you own rabbit teeth.

Cute.

“Then I’ll shoot as many rabbits as you want,” Joel countered with a teasing smile before tightening his hold on the rope slung over his other shoulder (the one he’d tied the rabbits to), and walked towards the kitchen door at the back of the farmhouse.

He heard you huff in defeat behind him, your creaky steps following him up the stairs and inside. Walking into the kitchen Joel placed the rabbits on the table before he pulled at his mittens, stripped off his jacket, and hung it neatly over the back of one of the dining chairs. Grabbing one of the rabbits he brought it to the kitchen counter to start dressing it, fighting the urge to turn his head as he heard you enter the room.

“Come on, Joel,” you whined, “Why won’t you teach me?”

“Told you already,” Joel replied, “Nothin’ good comes from learnin’ to shoot things.”

Shifting the rabbit around on the counter he reached for the butcher knife in the knife block.

“You know, that’s a really stupid way of saying you don’t want to spend the time,” you told him, your voice closer now as you leaned against the kitchen counter.

“When exactly did ya hear me sayin’ I don't wanna spend time with you?” Joel asked, his eyebrows pulled together in a frown.

“You won’t teach me to shoot,” you teased, and Joel could hear the smile in your voice.

Joel huffed out a laugh, “Damn right I won’t.”

He heard you let out a whiney huff, before you turned on your heel, muttering out a curse under your breath when you accidently bumped your hip into the counter and Joel couldn’t help the smile teasing at his lips. You sat down with an overdramatic sigh, and Joel still didn’t look at you – he knew he’d cave eventually if he did, say yes against his better judgement – so he kept his eyes on the knife in his hand.

“How’s Arthur?” Joel asked as he worked.

“I don’t know,” you sighed, “The same I think– Alma was up there looking after him last time I checked.”

This time Joel allowed himself to look at you. You sat sideways on the wooden chair, legs crossed and tucked under your chair with your head hanging, eyes glued to your lap. Gone were the teasing, and gone were the smiles.

“He’ll be fine,” Joel said, his eyes back on the rabbit, “it’s just a cold.”

“Yeah… but he’s been getting sick a lot more often,” your voice was low, like you didn’t want them to hear you upstairs, “you can’t help but think the worst you know?”

Joel put the knife down and moved over to the sink. He quickly washed his hands before grabbing a towel to dry off, twisting it in his hands as he approached you. Placing the towel on the counter, he hesitated for a moment as he watched you, watched the way you twisted your hands in your lap with no sense of purpose or intent. It was like the worry dripped down your body. Pushing off the counter Joel knelt in front of you, a grunt escaped him as his knees clicked loudly, his balance slightly off on his haunches.

“Shit,” Joel huffed out a laugh, and you followed. Your palms landed on his knees to keep him steady, warmth spreading like jolting electricity.

“Sweetheart, I’ll tell you what–” he stopped himself when you looked at him through your lashes, trying to ignore the way your eyes focused on his mouth as he spoke. “’s just a cold, he’ll be up ‘n walkin’ tomorrow– man’s got gumption.”

“Yeah?” your eyes flickered upwards, meeting his.

Suddenly, under your gaze Joel felt brave. His hand moved on its own accord, cupping your cheek in his hand. He let his thumb ghost over your skin, still cold under his fingertips from being outside, but warming under his touch.

“Yeah, sweetheart.”

You didn’t say anything for a moment, you only watched him with glimmering eyes, like you were under a spell. Maybe he was too.

“Still,” you sighed, “Would be better if I could pick up more of the slack around here... Arthur does a lot, and I wish I could do more to support them.”

“Like what? You take care of the animals all by yourself– that’s more than enough.”

“Well, I could learn to shoot rabbits,” you told him, before the corners of your mouth pulled into a pleased smirk as he rolled his eyes at you.

Reluctantly, he pulled his hand away, making a move to stand when you grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

“I’m kidding, Joel,” you smiled, before a more serious look washed over your features. “I mean it’s… It’s gonna be empty here without you,” you said, “I’m starting to really like having you here, Joel.”

Joel turned his hand to rest the back of it on your thigh, your hand fitting in his.

“I uh,” his eyes fixated on your joined hands, then he cleared his throat, “I’ll stay as long as you need me to. I’m not leavin’ you alone, sweetheart.”

Your eyes lit up at his words, smile growing large across your face. Joel’s heart drummed in his chest as your eyes flickered down to his mouth again.

“Thank you,” you said in a low voice, and then you did something Joel thought was gonna make his heart stop beating. You leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. It bloomed against his skin, and made wings flutter against the walls of his stomach.

“You’re a good man, Joel Miller,” you whispered before you pulled away, looking at him with kindness in your eyes.

If only you knew, Joel thought, if only you knew the blood on his hands.

He couldn’t look at you when you looked at him like that. Like you believed your own words. So, he cleared his throat awkwardly and stood to his feet, his knees clicking as your hand slipped from his movement. He walked back to the counter, fingers grabbing the towel with no other purpose than to calm himself down.

After placing the towel back where it usually hung, he grabbed the knife again, turning his attention back to the rabbit, allowing himself to steal a few glances at you where you sat looking out the kitchen window.

“Hey, uh,” Joel broke the growing silence after a few minutes, “how ‘bout rabbit stew for lunch?”

Your head snapped to look at him as he spoke, a smile ghosting over your lips as you said, “I’ll go get some vegetables from the cellar.”

Joel wouldn’t necessarily call himself a good cook – he wouldn’t even call himself a cook in the first place. Back before the outbreak he’d been forced to learn the basics as a fresh single dad, but he’d never been able to provide Sarah with gourmet meals very often, and when Sarah had gotten older, he’d been embarrassed to say that her food was always better than his – eggshells and all. One summer he’d bought himself a nice grill– one of those way too expensive gas grills with too many fancy accessories for Joel to regularly use. He’d had a job that ended up paying well, some rich guy’s mansion that needed renovating, and decided to treat himself for once. That summer all their meals had come from that grill, well mostly, and afterwards Joel looked at himself as a pretty good griller, if nothing else.

You on the other hand, you knew what you were doing, it was clear in the effortlessly way you moved beside him as you got the vegetables ready for the stew. Joel seared the meat to the best of his abilities, making sure it was properly browned on both sides before setting it aside. After that, it was clear that you were in charge, and Joel let you boss him around and tell him what to do. It made his heart warm around the edges, watching how you put so much love and care into everything you did.

An hour later you finally sat down to eat; two hearty bowls of stew each as light snowflakes covered the world outside. You’d let the pot simmer on low over the heat as you’d wanted to bring up a bowl for Arthur and Alma later.

“So…” you started, watching as Joel dug into his bowl, “How’s the stew?”

“’s good!” Joel nodded through a mouthful, and he wasn’t lying. It was good, really good in fact.

“Yeah?” you bubbled through a smile, before you dug into your own bowl to see if he’d spoken the truth. He watched as you face brightened as you chewed, nodding your head to confirm his verdict.

“I think I really like rabbit, Joel,” you said through a teasing smile, and Joel couldn’t fight the chuckle from spilling.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, teasing smile not going anywhere, “So… when are you teaching me to shoot?”

“Shut up.”

The living room was quiet, safe for the cracking of the fire. It had almost died out when Joel had stepped out of his room. He’d been twisting and turning again, counting sheep, but nothing had been able to pull him under the blanket of sleep. He was plumb tired too, that was the worst part. The embers hummed with a low light, and with a small stick Joel had spread them out before placing a small piece of wood on top. No less than a minute later the fire fed on the log.

Taking a seat and leaning back in the lounge chair, Joel looked out the window with tired eyes. The moon looked down on him, big and bright, it shone its white light over the barnyard like a spotlight. His thoughts were clouded over as he gazed up. A billion little lights turning into bright spheres in the sky.

On nights like this, Joel felt like he was barely breathing at all.

His thoughts didn’t stray for long before they found you again. Lately, you were always on his mind. He thought about how you’d looked mere hours ago, when he’d sat in this same exact chair, only this time it was facing towards the sofa and not the window.

You’d been sat curled up in the corner, blanket thrown over your lap with a book in hand. You’d told him you’d read all the books in the house already, but it didn’t stop you from coming back to your favorites. Joel had been reading his own book, an old western he’d found in the bookshelf in the upstairs hallway a few days ago. It was entertaining, but not enough to hold his attention. He found his eyes had a mind of their own, slipping over the top to steal a peek at you as you read, feeling a smile tug at his lips at the barely there furrow of concentration between your eyebrows.

“Joel.”

Joel perked up at the whisper of his name, the memories fading like ripples in still water. He looked around the room –nothing. He sat quietly in his chair for a moment, listening, as his heartbeat quickened in his chest. It had been your voice, hadn’t it? Or was he starting to lose it? His eyes fell to the door of your bedroom. He hadn’t noticed it until now, but he could see it was slightly ajar.

“Joel.”

The voice was louder this time, almost strained, but it was yours. A thousand scenarios flashed before his eyes then at your tone. Was there someone in your room? Were you in danger? Seconds later Joel crossed the room, a mix of fear and protectiveness overcoming him.

Leaning up against your door he listened for the intruder as he readied himself. The soft crinkling of your sheets combined with your strained whimpers was all it took for him to push the door open, fearing the worst.

And…

It was empty, your room, you were alone. Joel immediately felt stupid– the only intruder here was him.

He was about to step out, embarrassed at his actions, when he heard it again, his name falling from your lips. It was all Joel needed to finally take in your body, squirming under your sheets, still asleep. The realization of what he’d just walked in on made Joel’s eyes widen.

Laying on your back, the duvet had slipped down your torso from your movements to reveal the thin t-shirt you wore to bed. Like this he could see your perked nipples through the fabric, as your chest quickly rose and fell, making Joel’s imagination start to run wild.

“Joel.”

In his pajama pants, Joel could feel his cock come alive from the soft whimper that left your lips along with his name. He couldn’t move, like some farm elf had glued his feet to the floor while he wasn’t looking. He watched as you scrunched your face together in pleasure, another whimper falling from your lips, and all the blood in Joel’s body rushed down south.

As if the soundwaves from your voice had broken against him, he took a step backwards, and then another, and another until he crossed the threshold of your door. He tried his best to be quiet, to not wake you and have you catch him in your room in the middle of the night.

The image of you squirming under your sheets, dreaming of him, didn’t leave him as he closed the door to his own room. With a sigh his head fell against the door, a strong hand gliding down his front to hover over his aching cock.

Joel Miller was no saint, but what he was doing– what he was about to do, was bad.

“Shit,” he quietly hissed, running his hand up his clothed cock. He hadn’t touched himself properly in a long time, not since he left Boston.

His cock reacted to his touch, growing harder and harder until he couldn’t take it anymore. He hooked his finger around the hem of his pajama pants, pulling them down to the thick of his thigh, freeing himself. He hissed at the cold air hitting his length, as it bopped with the movement of being freed. Bringing his hand to his mouth, Joel spat, before he wrapped his spit-soaked hand around himself.

His mind found you again as he started stroking himself, slowly at first, pumping himself with a practiced hand, squeezing himself at the base before bringing his hand up to thumb at the tip. Joel couldn’t get the way you sounded out of his mind. Couldn’t forget how you were squirming in your bed, dreaming of him. Couldn’t shake the thought of pulling those moans and whimpers from you with his hands, and his mouth, and with his cock.

“Fuck.”

Joel tried to be quiet, but he couldn’t fight the moan from slipping from his lips. Fuck, he wanted you. He wanted his hands all over you. Closing his eyes his mouth dropped open as he imagined what he was dying to do to you.

How much he’d wanted to help you out of your t-shirt, run his hands over your breasts and tease your nipples. Take his time to pull those moans and whimpers from your soft lips as he teased you with kisses down your body, down the valley of your breasts, your tummy, down to you to your–

Another low moan fell from Joel’s lips. He squeezed himself tighter as he jerked himself off, precum pearling at the tip, and slipping down his length, mixing with his spit.

The sound of the slick rhythm of his hand filled his bedroom as he increased the pace of his strokes. He had to bite down on his lip to strangle a groan when thoughts of getting between your legs, spreading them open and getting his mouth on you filled his head. He fantasized about how you’d taste falling apart on his tongue–Fuck, how you’d sound falling apart around his cock.

His eyes fell shut as he fisted himself faster. Joel could feel his orgasm quickly building, coiling tight in his tummy. With his free hand he cupped his balls, and then he couldn’t help but imagine it was you, a picture of you on your knees before him flashed behind his eyelids, your tongue lapping at his balls while your hand pumped his cock.

“Shit.”

With a strained groan, thick ropes of cum spilled over his knuckles and down his length, coating him in his release. His breath came out ragged, as he continued his strokes, milking himself of the rest of his release.

Fuck.

His cock softened in his hand as he calmed down from his high. With a quiet groan he pushed himself off the door, looking around his room for something to clean himself up with.

The guilt of what he’d done washed over him quickly, settling in his chest like a heavy weight. You were so young, and beautiful, and Joel just an old man. He shouldn’t want you like this, shouldn’t want you this much.

Climbing under the covers, Joel couldn’t shake his thoughts of you, of you dreaming about him in your bed, about your smiles, and your touch. A supercut of you rolling like a tape in his minds eye. A supercut of you bundled up under a blanket on the sofa, knitting him his mittens. Of you, your own knitted hat pulled tightly down over your ears as you stepped out into the snow to check on the animals. Of the way you’d looked at him for the first time, with the bucket of apples under your arm, and the sweet taste of them as you’d offered him one later, after dinner.

Finally, Joel could breathe.

i hope someone liked this? if you did a comment, reply or an ask is always welcome and they make me super happy <3 other than that thank you for reading!!

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fanfic #joel miller smut #joel miller angst #joel miller fluff #tlou smut #tlou fanfiction #the last of us smut #the last of us fanfiction #pedro pascal

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moonlightpearlsposts · 2 days

Text

𝑳𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒐 𝑵𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒔

/ / In which lando norris runs secret fan pages for his champion figure skater girlfriend !! / / ✿

. . ҂ 𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: smau, fluff

✎ ᝰ 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀: changed up the posting layouts lol. i added more efforts here lol.

liked by landonorris, avtrusova, and 791,104 others

yourinstagram montreal, you were amazing

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landonorris THAT'S MY 3x WDC GIRLFRIEND

yourinstagram you were the biggest since last olympics baby 💕

user1 imagine saying oh yeah y/n l/n, the figure skating prodigy and 2x olympic champ and 3x world champion? yeah she's my gf

landonorris never related to smth harder more than that

4Aqueen I SOBBED WHILE WATCHING THE WORLDS KNOWING THIS IS THE LAST MASTERS AND MARGARITA PERFORMANCE. MASTERS AND MARGARITA WILL BE MISSIED SO SO MUCH

yourinstagram omg lando sobbed too! he's not ready to see smth other than masters and margarita

landonorris LIES. FALSE ACCUSATIONS. IMO NTH WILL TOP MASTERS AND MARGARITA

yourinstagram babe you called thr program m&m for short because the name was too long for you

landonorris that was BEFORE i saw the program

user1 lando you lucky lucky guy

user2 skaters like her should be banned. she's so overscored because all she does is quads. there's not single speck of creativity in her program

4Aqueen it's so obvious that you have an emotional range of smaller than tea spoon, smaller than ronald weasley. if you cannot understand her programs then stfu. because my girl did 6 quads INCLUDING a quadaxel and the entire program had tons of creative work and artistry. go learn about emotions before commenting on her post while lazing on your couch.

user3 DAYUM BRO 💀

user4 lando norris might have competion now when it comes to being yn's biggest fan

user5 ronald weasley catching strays on insta? i thought i would never see this day 😭

user2 oh shit damn bro i take my words back 😭

4Aqueen AS YOU SHOULD

user2 BACK TF OFF 🤺🤺

liked by yourinstagram, oscarpiastri, mclaren and 929,491 others

landonorris princess treatment only for ms. world champion

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yourinstagram ily sm <3

landonorris ilyt babe 🧡

oscarpiastri i am letting this slide only because you won a wdc

yourinstagram stop trying to steal my boyfriend 🤺🤺

user1 the amount of flowers?! i am sobbing

user2 lord it is me again

user3 ahhh the daily reminder to make out with my gun 😍😍

user4 WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN

user5 girl don't you have a organic chem test tmr? 😃

user4 AND?!

user5 THEN GO TF AND STUDY INSTEAD OF BEING ON INSTA

user6 is the 15th floor fine?

user7 time to sleep on railway tracks tonight

liked by landonorris, avtrusova, mclaren and 791,104 others

yourinstagram it's off snz baby, time to report to my wag duties

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landonorris it's more like i am your wag

oscarpiastri the word simp isn't enough for you

landonorris fuck off

oscarpiastri oh no mate you're down BAD

oscarpiastri more like horrendously

oscarpiastri oh no atrociously down bad

landonorris did you swallow a thesaurus?!

oscarpiastri look at you using big words like thesaurus

yourinstagram i taught him that word oscar

oscarpiastri ahh no wonder

landonorris KEEP MY GF'S NAME OUT OF FUCKING MOUTH 👹🤺

user1 god i love them sm

user2 the first lando photo?! 😭😭😭😭😭

mclaren always a pleasure to have you champ!

yourinstagram thank you for having me 🤗

oscarpiastri the pleasure was all lando's

landonorris you just hate happy couples

oscarpiastri i don't hate happy couples i hate couples who have no filter and shoves their relationship infront of everyone with their excessive pda

yourinstagram just admit it lily is not here so you're having lily withdrawals

oscarpiastri WHY WOULD YOU EXPOSE ME LIKE THAT 😭😭

user3 oscar have heard ✨️ things ✨️

francisca.cgomes ahhh so happy to see you back in the paddock <3

yourinstagram i missed you sm 🥺

ueer4 boo undeserving of her titles

4Aqueen oh yeah? if you think yn is undeserving so why don't you land 6 quads including a quad axel do candle spin and other complicated figure skating stuff and show us who's better

user5 4Aqueen never misses istg 💀

liked by yourinstagram, oscarpiastri, and 971,103 others

landonorris my 4Aqueen

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yourinstagram oh baby ily sm even if you ran fan pages about me without telling me 🥺🥺

landonorris i manifested you i swear

yourinstagram okay but from how long were you running those fan pages

landonorris that my love is irrelevant to the world

user1 since 2017 actually

yourinstagram EVER SINCE I TURNED A SENIOR?!

landonorris LISTEN LISTEN ANNA KARENINA GOT ME INTO IT OKAY?!

landonorris also user1 piss off you little snitch

oscarpiastri i told you the word simp isn't enough to describe this man

landonorris boo 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻

mclaren lando we cannot cause a civil war here

user2 poetic ahh caption

user3 YN WHICH GOD DID YOU PRAY TO GET A MAN WHO RUN FAN PAGES ABOUT YOU

landonorris actually i manifested the shit outta her. incense sticks, crystals and all shite

yourinstagram oml you're so down bad but ily sm

oscarpiastri atrociously down bad*

user4 pov: you show up to who loves yn more competition and lando is your opponent

user5 he would take all 3 spots on podium

user6 all first 4 actually because yk his number is 4 and quads her speciality

user7 god i love yn sm

landonorris not as much as me

user8 the sexual tension btwn me and a wall rn 🤗

#lando norris imagine #lando norris fluff #lando norris smau #lando norris #lando norris fanfic #lando x reader #f1 imagine #lando norris f1 #f1 fanfiction #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #lando fic #lando norris x reader #f1 #f1 instagram au #lando norris insta au

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inkyray · 16 days

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a/n: lol buckle up 4 this one hahahhaaaahhhh....

warnings/content ahead: really heavy angst, death of a loved one, bsf!sturniolo triplets, mentions of self harm, crying, negative thoughts to oneself, hatred toward a parent, comforting!matt, comforting!chris, comforting!nick, all yall hurting in this

6.1K words

PERMANENT

You've always been there, since the very beginning. From the zoomed in pictures challenges they'd do in Boston for YouTube, still young and exploring, to the second tour they went on, more serious and dedicated.

Every memory they had, you were a part of it. You were laced into their mind like metal strings, they couldn't not think of you if they'd tried. You felt permanent.

6 years old

The wind blew past your wild hair as you watched children laugh and run in glee, the sun leaving a warm cast onto your skin as everything was tinted in the golden rays of the hot star. The summer heat had your baby hair stick to your forehead as you sat at the birch bench, watching innocent laughter falter through your ears and children playing with no care in the world.

Your chest felt hollow under the sundress your father had dressed you in, the feeling of utter sadness swimming along your body as everyone was paired with friends. All but you.

The frown seated on your lips undeniable, you watched identical boys sit behind each other on the top of the slide, choosing the adventurous side of sliding down, going down backwards.

"Nick, I don't wanna do this!" One of the blond boys complained as he tightened his grip on the blue slide, sitting in the middle of the two. "Come on Matt, we're not gonna die!" Another argued back, your small brain lost track of who was who, but your attention didn't shift from them.

"Let's go, Chris, push me and Matt–and then–and then super quickly jump behind us and go backwards with us!" The blond boy urged and you watched as the boy in orange sucked in a breath, making up the courage. You wished you were playing with them, the happiness glittering in their eyes remarkable from miles away.

You somehow felt sadder.

All three giggled before anything even happened. It started off as small nervous giggles, before the others caught on and full-blown laughed, their eyes squinting as they lost their scared demeanor. You laughed along, watching the humor radiate off them and onto you. Joy shot through you just looking at them, you were giggling with them unknowingly.

"Okay! Okay! Chris, three.. two... two and a half..." They were pushed down the slide in an instant, their backs aimed right to the ground. "I didn't say go!" One screamed in a mix of utter horror and excitement, clearly taken by surprise at the sudden push.

They laughed their entire way down the slide, falling to the ground and piling on top of each other.

They stayed on the ground for a moment, soaking up the sudden adrenaline as they laughed. It looked fun, you felt excitement build up in your chest just looking at them. "Chris!" one laughed, "Nick didn't say go!"

"Yeah!" the other agreed, "I said two and a half!"

"Two and a half? What kind of dumb shit is that?"

"Chris, next time when I say 'go' you push us!" The one in the purple got up, getting rid of any dirt that stuck to his clothes.

"No! I don't want to push you guys again!" The one in the orange crossed his arms over each other. "Matt?" The one in the purple raised an eyebrow.

"No way, José!"

They fall into laughter at the use of 'no way, josé'. You didn't understand why it was funny, but you grinned with them.

"Fine then! Let's find someone who will push us!"

"Why can't it just be you, Nick?" The one in the blue sighed.

"I don't wanna."

Moments longer of dialogue are exchanged between the three as you study them, unable to take your eyes off them as they begin searching around the playground.

They ask multiple children the same question, but the kids were all caught up with their own thing. That was, until they approached you.

"Hey!" The purple one ran toward you as his brothers followed behind. "What's–" He swallows quickly. "What's your name?" He wonders, catching his breath. Your heart skips a beat and you're suddenly sitting straight up on the wooden bench.

You mutter your name, and wide smiles are exchanged between all three. "Well, I'm Nick!" The one in the purple points to himself, "This is my brother Chris," He points to the one in the orange, "and that's Matt!"

"You all look the same." You point out unapologetically, they just shrug. "We're triplets." Chris says as he squinted to look at you, the sun hitting his blue eyes directly. You nod, "Like twins but three?"

"Yes! Like twins but three." Nick confirms and Matt just lingered behind him. "Wanna come play with us? We need somebody to push us down that slide." He perks up from behind Nick, pointing to the slide as you feel yourself getting excited. Since the moment you sat there, all you wanted to do was play with them.

"Yes, I'll help you guys." You get up from your spot on the bench as they give each other looks of victory. "Follow us!"

In seconds, you were seated backwards on the slide, between Nick's legs as you all slid down the tall blue slide at ultra-speed. Or, that's how it felt like for your child-like minds. "Are you ready, guys!?" Nick called out. "Yes! Now go! Go! Go!" Matt called out, and you pushed them with you in an instant.

You all yelled out giggles of shock, falling on top of all of them last as they rolled around the ground, trying to get up and do it again.

"Again! Again!"

"It was so freakin' funny falling on top of you guys." You wholeheartedly giggle, fixing the skirt of your dress as you took Matt's hand to help you up. You were beaming, the first time in your element.

"What!? Now I wanna push you guys!" Nick said, running to the ladder of the slide. "No! I want to!" Matt argued, letting go of your hand as he tried to make it to it before Nick did.

14 years old

You blew out a ragged breath, watching as it turned to cold frost in the air. You weren't sure how they could allow this, but you had been one of the only girls in the hockey team, ready to be drifted off into the ice rink.

You watched as Chris quickly swerved on the ice, passing the puck to Nate who made it his complete mission to score. They were blocked, the opposing team snatching the puck out of Nate's grasp and darting for their net.

Panic set in your stomach, wishing you could hop on the ice and take the puck from them. You sat on the bench beside Matt, you two were up next, and you shot him a worried glance. This wasn't going too well.

Your team was down a score, and there were two rounds left, including this one. You had already scored once before, other teammates alongside you and Nate. You were on the edge of your seat, watching as Chris stole the puck back and swiftly skated past the opposing team, fast and stealthy, pushing past a few shoulders, bumping them off to the side.

You felt proud of him, your gloved hands screwed tight into a fist as he was moments away from scoring. "Come on, Chris." Matt whispered from beside you, just as attentive as you. "Come on." You mutter, repeating his words, hoping the universe would listen and hand him the goal.

As the words leave your lips, Chris makes a swerve and a turn, pushing past a tall player and lifting his stick for a quick push, ultimately scoring the goal.

You and Matt jump up immediately, cheering and praising Chris with pride alongside other teammates. He and Nate skate toward you guys with sheepish grins after celebrating with their team as the crowd cheered. It takes you a moment to realize you and Matt were up now. And the scores were tied.

"Up to you guys now." Nate says lazily, giving you two an all knowing smile as he takes his helmet off. "They got this," Chris puts a hand on your padded shoulder. "Right?"

You nodded. "We got this." You breathed in, looking at Matt for some sort of agreement. He was just as terrified as you. "We got this?" He questions. You secure your helmet on. "We totally do, don't we Matt?" We're fucked. You thought.

"Yeah, yeah. Heh."

"Matt, don't let her get squished in the rink, okay? Those dudes are huge." Chris said as everyone got ready for the next round. "You saw how well she did a few minutes ago, I wouldn't be worried." Nate said with a shrug, and the pressure on you felt outweighing, although there was no pressure at all.

"Nah, either way, I will. The size difference is wild." Matt shook his head, securing his mouthguard. That reminds you, you put yours on too.

"Thenth when thid they allow girlths to play againthst boyths anyway?" You wonder out loud, immediately regretting deciding to speak after securing your mouthguard on, giving you a built-in lisp over your teeth. The boys around you erupt into immediate laughter, and you roll your eyes.

Their laughs are so loud and ridiculous, the teammates around you stare, and you can't help but chuckle along.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, laugh ith up."

The helmet pressed against your forehead, you were on the ice but you were beaded in sweat, your face completely flushed as you were beyond concentrating on the play in front of you. You watch the puck switch between teammate to teammate all from the otherside of the hockey pitch.

You swallow built in saliva in your mouth when you see the puck being passed onto Matt. He looks up, maintaining a balance between keeping the puck with him as he searches for you, eventually landing his eyes on you. Your eyes widen.

This round has been going on for so long, everyone had quickly begun to run out of comfortable time to score. It was either now or never. Matt pushed against the ice, skating to you before abruptly stopping when someone tried stealing the puck from him. He was still so far, but he still did it. He flung the puck to you and you were moments away from getting the score for your team.

You pushed past male players, it was a struggle but you managed. Cold wind prickled the tip of your runny nose as you pushed through it. Nick watched from the crowd, seated by his parents and older brother, Nate's parents and siblings, and your father. Everyone was watching, and it was all up to you now.

Your ears rang, everything went silent, and you scored. It felt like a blur. Your senses come back to you in an instant. Noticing just how loud everyone is and how bright everything was, you realize you have won your team, a chuckle escaping your mouth.

In seconds, your entire team comes swerving in, lifting you up from a crowd and cheering your name. It takes you a second to realize that Matt and Chris were the ones who held you up, the rest volunteering, keeping you steady. You shove your helmet off, spitting your mouthguard out and cheering.

You searched the crowd, seeing your dad give you a wide and proud smile, chanting your name beside your best friend Nick, who was doing the same.

16 years old

You cannot believe you had just watched your best friend's house just burn down.

Your father was out of town, trusting you little enough not to let you stay home alone, not wanting to come home to a mess of a house-party. Whatever.

You were staying with your best friends, which was better. Nick was off at some pool party you didn't want to go to, the girls there didn't particularly like you. It's not that you cared, you just wished they'd give you a chance. All you wanted was a girl friend who didn't see you as competition. You weren't sure what you did, but it hurt.

In seconds, the house was smoked up with gray fog and flames, making it hard to breathe and see. You ran out of the house in your pajamas as Matt and Chris ran out in their underwear in panic. A helicopter flooded the scene and firefighters broke in. It was all happening so fast you felt your heart fall to your ass.

The entire neighborhood came out and watched the scene, a neighbor offering Matt and Chris some clothes, which they gradually took. "Where's Justin?" You ask, referring to their older brother in worry. "Yeah where–" Chris wonders, out of breath before landing his gaze behind you. You turn around to see Justin, completely dripped out in swag with a backpack over his shoulder, unfazed.

"Your house is on fire." You try reminding, looking for some sort of panic in his eyes. He just pops a shoulder.

Apparently he was aware, in his room picking out an outfit and collecting everything he needed in a backpack, taking his sweet time. You laughed. You had to give it to him.

The scene however, was overall traumatizing. You were watching Chris play Fortnite with Matt and friends when realization hit that the house was on fire, and now you guys were on your way to Nate's house, who'd heard the news.

They shoved the clothes over their heads in the car, asking you over and over, "Are you okay?" You were still pretty shaken up, but managed to give them a smile. "Other than the fact I lost all the clothes and stuff I brought, I barely even have a scratch."

"Hey, we lost all our shit too, you know." Matt says, you spare him an apologetic look. If this was hard on you, this must've been 10x worse on them. You sat between them, laying a head on Matt's shoulder and hand on Chris's knee. "I'm sorry."

"You weren't the one who started the fire." Chris laughed. That's true. It was his aunt who dropped a lit cigarette, but still, guilt settled in your stomach. You felt sorry for them and wanted them to know.

"The time will pass." Their dad said from the driver's seat, his accent boring into your ears as you nodded. "Damn straight, Dad." Matt agreed, sighing. They needed all the comfort they could get now.

You reach Nate's house and you all jump out in an instant, greeted by his family first before looking for him in his bedroom. Walking in, you see him playing Fortnite on his computer, making you three chuckle.

You all stand behind him, watching him play. "Bro, you're only level 27?" Chris questioned with a mock.

"Your house burnt down." Nate answers blankly.

Now

They were thriving. Their careers reached an all time high and their fame beyond measurable, even if it didn't feel like it.

A-list celebrities recognized them, praising their humor and content. Living in LA now and never leaving the house without getting recognized, a photo being shot of them next to one too many strangers all the time as you would tag along, trailing behind them.

You've never had an interest in being the famous one, beyond okay with the fact that they were the ones in the limelight, not you. But, just being friends with them had its consequences.

You didn't run in the channel, but you were referenced a lot, even when you weren't around. If you weren't making an appearance in the channel, you were brought up, a common topic between the three. The fans knew who you were, and while half loved and praised you, the other half hated your guts. You grew to accept it, the more people like you, the more people hate you. That's what your father would tell you.

The fans were harsh, constantly scanning everything you'd do or say to your best friends, analyzing every word that comes out of your mouth. It had gotten to the point where they'd zoom in on your hands in videos, disgusted with the fact that your hands were shaking, or the way you were picking at your nails. Nothing went unseen.

Although your best friends were in the limelight, you fell victim to it too, but never for the right stuff. The fans were hypocrites, toying with your emotions. The same day they would express their disgust in your behavior, was the same day they would praise a new photo that was posted of you. It felt overwhelming and confusing, making an ugly mix of anxiety in your stomach.

Now, you were seated on the couch by Matt, who was scrolling on his phone mindlessly. Multiple people were over at their house, hanging out, playing games, and overall having fun. A majority were influencers, you being one out of a very little who was only there because you knew who the triplets were, not because you had an active social media.

Your thumb taps on the comments of your new post. You didn't post regularly, very rarely at most, your excuse being that you weren't an influencer. You didn't need to. But the pressure was just as bad. It felt just as bad.

You knew you shouldn't open the comments, you knew it was the number one rule not to scroll too far down under your own post, but your thumb insisted. The curiosity in your chest begging to know what the judging eyes think of you now.

You smiled at a comment, but dropped it at a negative one. Comments brought up the way you were acting in a recent video, or how flimsy your hair was in the photo. They pointed out stuff you hadn't even noticed about yourself. Your chest felt heavy but hollow.

You hear your name being called, turning your head to find Nick motioning you to come over. "We're gonna film a TikTok, wanna be in it?" He wore a wide smile, and he was excited. Chris looked over at you, with a crooked grin that signified he was going to be in the TikTok, waiting for your response. The influencers surrounding them all collectively turned to look at you, and for the first time, you didn't feel like wallpaper. Their stares are intense on you, you almost choke up on your own words.

"Nah, I'm okay." You smiled, dropping your head to look back down on your phone, a silent way of telling them they could look away now. Matt however, was now the one looking at you as everyone turned to look away. "You okay?" He asks, keeping his voice low enough so no one around can hear him. Your eyes flick up, and you fake a confused look. "What?" You wonder.

He's known you 14 years of your life, and you still wondered how he'd figured out so quickly that something had been on your mind. "Something's wrong." He points out, his phone screen shutting due to lack of touch. Your eyes dart around him, flicking from his eyes to the blank wall behind him, to the cushion between you two. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He studied your face, like he was looking for something he could see right through. You shoved your hands into the pocket of your hoodie. You had a bad habit of picking your nails when you were lying or anxious, and everyone close to you knew that. His eyes dropped to your pocket-covered hands, and he swallowed. If he was aware of the fact that you were picking your nails right now, he didn't show any signs of it. "Okay." He muttered, letting you go. You felt as if bricks were being lifted from off your chest, letting out a held in breath.

He goes back to using his phone before he's interrupted by a pretty content creator, you noticed she's had her eye on him for a while and you weren't fond of invading privacy, so you get up and navigate to the kitchen where everyone radiates with happiness. They were laughing, genuinely glowing. You smiled. Their joy rubbed off onto you, and after a few minutes, the thoughts about the negative comments left your mind, and you were now making clay shapes with Nick and some friends.

Chris stood behind you guys with the male friends he invited over, playing rap music from his phone as he watched you shape a carrot. "What the fuck is that?" He laughs as everyone, including you, bop their head to the music playing. "A carrot, what else would it be?" You roll your eyes, fixing the point of the orange clay.

"Looks like a..." His open sentence leaves his mouth empty handed, making everyone turn to look at your sculpture. They burst out into laughter and you can't help but chuckle along. "What is it? Looks like what?"

"Looks like fuckin' male genitalia." Nick laughs, and that makes you lose it, full blown laughing with Chris, who found the way Nick worded that hilarious, before hearing your phone ring.

You force yourself to swallow your laugh down, taking out your phone and looking at the contact. It was your mother. You felt your heart drop. Every humor in your body now dissolved.

You never spoke to your mother. You don't even have her contact saved, but you memorized her number, knowing exactly who it was. Nick and Chris watch you swallow, trying to read the look on your face due to the suddenness of your quietness. You drop your eyes back to your phone, watching it ring. You hated her. But you had to pick up.

"Excuse me." You spare a grin to the table, pushing yourself off the chair, the girls and guys nodding their heads like they understood you had to pick up an important phone call, but Nick and Chris just gave each other a shared look.

You walk to the nearest empty room, which happened to be Matt's. You closed the door behind you, making the friends out seem a lot quieter than they actually were. You swipe on your phone, lifting it to your ear.

"Hello?" You utter, your tongue feeling heavy on your mouth. Long, dreadful seconds pass, and you begin to think this was a prank call, someone with a similar number as your mother fucking with you.

"Your father died."

That was it.

No, Hello. No, How are you, daughter?

Just, Your father died.

Your heart seemed to respond faster than your mind, feeling it boom louder and louder in your chest as you responded with a "What?", unsure of what you just heard.

"He died yesterday morning." You couldn't read the expression in her voice, she sounded nonchalant, almost like she didn't care. He died yesterday morning. You repeated the words in your mind, trying to find some sort of verbal error in what you heard.

He died yesterday morning.

And you just sat around laughing. You were having fun with your friends, laughing without a care, when your father had died. The closest one to you, gone without your knowledge, the only way of learning about it through your mother.

Every negative feeling hits you at once, your eyes glassing in guilt, shame, hurt, loss, everything in between. "How?" You felt yourself asking, your voicing coming out more vulnerable than you'd like your mother to hear.

"Seizure. No one was by his side when it hit him, he was found lying on his bedroom floor." She didn't sound like your mother, she didn't sound like anyone you knew. She sounded foreign and disgusting.

No one was by his side when it hit him.

You were just visiting Boston last week. He had been fine, ecstatic and joyous to see you. He had looked up at you up and down, his eyes watering at how much you've grown and matured. He spoke to you about his excitement for when he becomes a grandpa, you had told him to calm down, reminding him of how young you actually were. How it won't be happening anytime soon.

Now it won't be happening at all.

"I assume nobody told you, little one?" You felt your heart clench in anger, the nickname coming out of your mother's mouth sounding ugly and stenched. You didn't answer her, giving her the answer she expected.

You were frozen in shock, and the hand holding your phone shaking beyond control as burning tears found their ways down your cheek.

"He left you everything in his will. Which, of course, isn't much," she clicked her tongue, "but enough to last you the next few decades. A lot of it is his retirement money, so lucky you."

Lucky you.

"I wish it was you instead." Your voice was barely even audible for yourself, but your mother had heard it, and you hung up before she could respond. Your stomach felt like it was burning its insides up, and your chest felt like it was caving in on itself. You didn't know how simple words that made its way through your ears had affected you physically so much, your knees almost losing balance as you tried to swallow down the tears. You couldn't.

It was impossible to keep yourself from crying, no matter how hard you tried to hold in your breath or push it down, the tears came out faster, hotter. You were forcing yourself to sob in silence on your best friend's bedroom floor, your father dying without you even by his side, and the news coming to you by the only person you've ever declared your hatred for. You felt pathetic, and so fucking guilty.

The pain unbearable all at once, you accidentally let a yelp of a cry slip from your mouth, immediately lifting both your hands to shut your mouth up, pressing your palms on top of each other as you forced your mouth closed, saving yourself the embarrassment of anyone hearing you on top of that.

No matter how long you stayed on that floor, the tears wouldn't stop. They couldn't stop, your heart ached so much to the point of physical pain. You get sick of it, wiping your tears off to the side and forcing yourself up, a pang of utter dizziness hits you in the head, and you lean on the wall for a moment.

Your nose was running, your eyes mimicking the action as you blinked all the tears away temporarily, needing to find a way to leave without anybody noticing your sobbing face. You shoved your hands in your pockets as your mind began to scan all the possible ways for you to leave unnoticed, picking hard at the side of your nails. You scan the room, as if it would give you a suggestion for something.

You lost control of your tears a while ago, now they were just sliding down your face because they can. The side of your finger stings, taking your hands out of your pocket, you swallow. With uncontrollable shaking hands, you notice the blood dripping down your thumb. You had picked on your skin a little too hard. Yet you couldn't feel it, your senses all too focused on your emotional pain, rather than your physical.

Sniffing, you let the blood drop before wiping it, blinking away your blurred eyes. You reach for your phone, hoping Nick would see the text you're about to send him.

i'm going to leave matt's room, please distract everyone with a joke or something.

You knew you'll regret the message later, but you were desperate. You wanted to leave as soon as possible, depending on your best friend to help you through it. But quickly, you feel the utter pain of needing him by you. Now may not be the best time, considering how much fun he was having with his friends, but disregarding the feeling of selfishness weighing in your stomach, you needed your best friend with you.

or come see me. i need you, nick please

A tear dropped on the screen of your phone. Standing there, you waited for your message to be read. 2 minutes pass of damp staring, before giving up, seeing that he was too busy to see your message.

Your palms were cold but sweaty, your tears have calmed down and you were now battling a runny nose. Maybe, if you keep your head down, you can run through without anybody paying any mind to you. Wiping your palms on your pants, you build up the courage, your heart feeling too heavy for your chest.

Placing a hand on Matt's door knob, you're about to pull it open before it pushes open on you. Instinctively, you panic. You can't have anybody seeing you like this. That was until you realize it was Chris who had entered the room, closing the door behind him. He lifted his eyes to you, widening his eyes after taking in your appearance. You hold your breath, feeling his surprised stare burn holes into you, mimicking his look, just as surprised as he is. But not for the same reason.

All it took was for Chris to mutter your name and you burst out crying. "Oh, oh," He murmured, a hand leaning behind your neck and head, pulling you into his chest as you cried harder, in desperate need of any form of comfort. He hugged your shoulders, as your tears seeped into his shirt.

"I saw the text you sent to Nick's phone, are you okay?" He kept his voice soft and quiet, sending small strokes through your hair. You shook your head. "No." You were practically out of breath, your meltdown taking all the energy out of you. "I'm not okay, Chris." He held you, keeping you close to him as he listened to you cry. Waves of sadness and hurt immediately fall through him, unable to see you like this.

Chris was an empath at heart, he spent a lot of his time reminiscing about the past, whether the memories were fond or dreadful. His mood would change depending on his loved ones' moods. He couldn't help it, you meant the world to him.

"What happened?" He whispered as you felt his hand glide down your hair, smoothing it down in comfort. You forced yourself to utter what had happened. "My dad." Was all you managed to weep. All your mouth accepted to let out. You couldn't see him, but Chris's eyes flew open.

His stroking stopped. What had happened to your father? He wondered. He cared for him just as much as you did, the bond your father had with the triplets was strong. "Your dad?" He repeated, his voice laced with more worry. He felt himself get more nervous as you took your time to answer.

"Gone, Chris." You pulled away, looking up at him with wet glistening skin that trailed under your eyes, down your cheeks, and under your nose, your eyes bloodshot red. He gave you a worried and puzzled look. "He died." You gasp, "And nobody told me but her." He watched your lips tremble as you lifted your hands to cry in them, the news feeling more real to you now that you've muttered it out.

All the blood flushed from Chris's face as he processed your words. He was no Einstein, but he automatically knew who "her" was, and his mutual distaste for your mother. "He died. Your father died." He repeated your words, shocked in place as you nodded.

"I need to get everybody out of the house." Chris swallowed, quietly talking to himself. You lift your head up, "What?"

"I need to get everybody out of the house." He said only slightly louder this time, getting out of Matt's room as you just watched him.

That had only been a taste of the beginning. Weeks have passed and you've fallen into a hole of severe depression, everything becoming harsher and worse for you after you attended your fathers funeral, your best friends obviously coming along. Your mother hadn't gone though. You felt sick to your stomach.

The days went by slow, and the three closest people to you watched you fall victim to sloth. You had trouble getting out of bed, showering, prioritizing yourself, it had come to a point where the ability to get up and grab something to eat had become a chore. You did nothing all day but sleep and waste your time away. They tried everything in their gut to help you.

Matt would cancel important plans to look after you, Nick would come in and clean your room, catching you up in everything, Chris would make you food and sit down with you. It was all useless, it was if you didn't exist. You were there, but gave no response. They had no idea what to do, unable to watch you do this to yourself, but also unable to help you. They began falling into their own sadness, watching their best friend in such effective agony.

A knock went through your door, you didn't respond, but the door still opened up anyway, revealing Matt. He looked horrible, his hair messy and his eyebags dark. "How are you feeling?" He questioned, he asked this every single morning. Not a day would go by without him asking that. You didn't say anything. He hadn't heard your voice in weeks. He swallowed, your face pressed against the pillow and you blinked lazily and sadly at him. Just as much as he expected.

"You need to shower." He said sternly, the idea already weighing on you like a job. You turned to the other side of your bed, facing the wall instead. "I know," He sighed, getting closer to you. "But I need you to cooperate, please." He begged, taking the blankets completely off you. You squirmed, groaning in annoyance and going to reach for them again. "Ah, ah ah." He warned, scooping you up before you could get them. You yelped at the sudden action, hooking your arms around his neck as he took you to the bathroom.

"Matt," You actually said his name, taking him by surprise. "Put me down." You huffed. "I can't." He said, almost like he wanted to listen to you, but knew he couldn't. "I can't keep feeding into this."

"I'm fine, Matt."

"You're not, and you know you aren't. You are one of the most self-aware people I know. Why are you just watching yourself do this yourself?" He was hurt, his voice cracking as he put you in the empty tub, clothes and all. You were about to protest before you're suddenly sprayed with freezing cold water, gasping.

"I'll bring you a new set of clothes." He says. "Nick will come in here and monitor you." And he's gone.

You numbly sat in the fully filled up bath tub of water, watching Nick wipe away a tear from his cheek. He'd just seen the scars on your body, and it was only a matter of time until he would tell Matt and Chris. You had no energy to hold yourself up, and Nick forced himself to move past the subject, lingering feelings of betrayal in his stomach. Why would you do this to yourself?

It all hurts, for everyone. He sniffed from a red splotchy nose, "Hands up." He ordered with a soft cry. The least you could offer him was listening, doing as you're told as he takes a washcloth and begins cleaning your body. "I'm sorry." You spoke into thin air, your voice barely audible. You told yourself he didn't hear you, but he did. He very much did, he just didn't respond. He couldn't respond. He continued cleaning you.

He washed your hair for you, cleaned your body for you, brushed through your hair before finally handing you a towel.

"I miss you." He murmured after a long silent while, and it felt as if a knife had twisted in your heart. I'm sorry.

"So much." He gulped, his pale complexion red with the amount of blood rushed to his face, in nothing but sadness.

Nick left you alone in the bathroom, just your physical body and your mental thoughts.

You felt shameful and selfish, but you had no idea how to go about it. How were you supposed to heal when you'd caused this much damage? To them, every corner of their minds and memory, you were permanent. What if you became temporary.

You were there from the beginning, but what if you didn't make it to the end?

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