#abuse discussion

[punkstylerecovery]

I love how abuse is really a great example of how community isn't an inherently good thing. Abuse literally thrives on community, whether by cutting off community to enforce control or reinforcing community to, oh, you guessed it, enforce control, it's a lovely foundation for abuse to build on.

Community means shit unless you put the work in to actively make it a safe space, to keep abusers out and keep people as safe and supported as possible. And even then, people fuck up. Some people aren't who you think they are. Our society has normalized so much abusive behavior, so much toxic behavior, it's hard to unlearn it all and regardless, community doesn't keep you safe from abuse.

It can, in some situations, but in our society, communities are more likely to fall in line with systemic issues and prop up and defend abusers than save you. But I think knowing that they're not inherently safe or good is a good thing; it helps keep you safe and keep building towards something good instead of assuming it'll build itself.

#punkstyle #abuse recovery #community #abuse discussion

[polyphonetic]

I feel like if I as a kid was getting yelled in public by my parents, if some adult came up and just said "hey it's not cool to yell at your kids" and walked away, even if I saw immediately my parent get even more angry at them and they just ignored and moved on, I would have felt at least a seed of the concept that it wasn't fair and that I was being hurt. There's a lot of normalization of parents snapping or berating their kids in parking lots, stores, places like zoos or carnivals, and just kind of awkwardly ignoring it. But as a kid when you get yelled at and no one around reacts, you're trained that that is just a normal way for a parent to interact with a child, anger and punishment (and often in a "I am not angry or acting hostile, this reasonable for punishing and controlling you" way). If any stranger at all had challenged that it would have opened up my perspective (a stranger seeing and calling out violence for what it is). I think we as a culture *should* weigh in on strangers being vile to their kids, actually. And of course do it in a context that's safe for you etc. etc. your safety is important, but a lot of time public shame is very effective. Making everyone else around you both be made aware of the situation.

#kassandra rambles #abuse discussion #child abuse discussion #serious #mental health

[daisy-mooon]

carol/yon-rogg… thoughts? (i’m so sorry in advance)

The way I was literally just vagueposting about them on Discord 😭 the TIMING

I've read nearly every Captain Marvel fic on Ao3, Yonvers included, and I have a lot of thoughts

Gonna start this out by saying I hope this ship never becomes canon endgame

Complicated exes

Carol would not go back to him.

She would definitely have regrets and grief, but she would not go back to him. It would he impossible for her to feel safe around him.

She could maybe be a coworker or ally if she's feeling exceptionally generous and the universe would collapse otherwise, but a proper relationship is out of the window.

Yon-Rogg projected onto her a lot. She was an amnesiac clean slate. In the deleted scene, the person he most admired was himself - what if he started admiring himself after he rescued Carol? Viewing himself as a saviour too her?

Yon-Rogg would never see the Supreme Intelligence as Carol. He's a Kree supremacist, and he knows that Carol is human. He can't ever treat her as a full equal.

The Supreme Intelligence would demote him, but I doubt it would give Yon-Rogg any consequences that actually measured up too his actions.

They definitely hate each other after.

They would both beat the shit out of each other if given the chance.

They've definitely been in a relationship and they've definitely slept together.

Carol wouldn't tell Maria everything about Yon-Rogg at first because of the guilt of having a relationship but eventually would spill the beans during the blip. It would be very hard for her to do.

Yon-Rogg would 100% be jealous over Prince Yan. Meanwhile Prince Yan would obviously care, but he'd he incredibly cold and dismissive towards him. He knows him only as the guy that destroyed Carol's life. He's not deserving of his time.

Valkyrie definitely knows about him. Again, like Yan, she doesn't think he's deserving of her time. But she wouldn't hesitate at stabbing him if he came to it.

The Kree have a kinda poly culture so what I'm saying is that Carol was sleeping with Yon-Rogg and Dar-Benn at the same time and they hated each other a lot

Carol's relationship with Dar-Benn is awful but a lot healthier in the sense that Dar-Benn had zero idea about Carol's origins.

I can definitely see Dar-Benn learning about Carol's origins after she becomes Supremor and being shocked, but deciding not to do anything to punish Yon-Rogg. Again, Kree supremacy. Any good will she has for Carol goes out the window the moment she realises she's human.

The shared blood thing... poor Carol.

I NEED people to talk about the fact that Carol literally DIED and Yon-Rogg resurrected her like??? This is how you know the MCU has gone to shit because any good writer would milk the fuck outta this

Carol's fine with blood UNTIL it is blue. Blue blood makes her incredibly squeamish.

She has a Thing against blood needles and transfusions that she refuses to explain.

Yon-Rogg would never call her Carol. Mostly Vers, maybe Captain or Danvers, but never Carol. It would mean that he accepts her as a separate person.

Very bitter over her leaving - "why isn't she grateful for all I did for her?"

Yeah the Supreme Intelligence treated him wrong... but that does not mean Carol should forgive him in anyway

I know some Yonvers fans will kill me but it's an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship.

She literally does not have access too basic medical information about her species???

Are we gonna talk about the fact that all of this time hes wittering about fair fights Carol physically can't beat him in a fair fight because Kree are stronger than humans? And that she isn't allowed to know that she's human? So she's being gaslit into thinking her failures are her fault when they're not?

I honestly also think its important that not everything should be romantic. They aren't romantic in canon and he still abused her. It's not always a partner or family member that can abuse you - it can be anyone.

I would write more but it's 1am so im wrapping it up. Anyways, final thoughts: a very interesting and deeply unhealthy dynamic that adds a lot to Carol's character but as an endgame ship would detract from her character arc. Anyways im tired af gn squad

#b4 anyone complains no i dont think this ship is healthy and yes im aware of how messed up it is read the last paragraph again #i know ppl can read but i know tumblr can NOT read so just in case #captain marvel #carol danvers #yon-rogg #yonvers #mcu #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #captain marvel (2019) #shipping #problematic ships #carol danvers x yon-rogg #headcanons #ig? #problematic ship tw #abusive relationship tw #abuse discussion #abuse mention #abuse tw

[blackholemojis]

I really really like your disability symbols, they are so thoughtful and un-stereotyped. I'd really appreciate a symbol for autism, dyspraxia, and/or C-PTSD at some point (not said with intent to pressure). ("upsetting" topic ahead) I'd also be interested in how you might represent child abuse or even filicide. Those are things I haven't been able to work out how to represent, but I speak about them a lot and use AAC.

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me, genuinely, that’s exactly what i’ve been going for. You can find your requested emojis here, plus an extra one for PTSD since I thought I’d put them together :)

For the second part, I’d use metaphors instead of graphic depiction of different things (maybe mistreatment of a plant growing on a person’s head?). I know that graphic depiction can make it easier to tell what the subject is, but I also want to try to cover subjects without making them triggering

If someone commissioned me or asked specifically for emojis that don’t use metaphors, then I would probably agree since people deserve to be able to talk about dark and serious things (and that’s important!). I don’t want to trigger people, but I also don’t want to make it seem like those topics aren’t about real, harmful things

If you want to send another ask requesting emojis for different dark topics, feel free! I can try my best and see what I can do!

#asks #blackholemojis talks #abuse tw #abuse discussion #murder tw #murder mention #filicide tw #murder discussion #child abuse tw #child abuse discussion

[atla-recluse]

About That One Moment in "Another Five More Short Graybles":

Content warning: A few references to abuse and abuser-victim dynamics, plus some images/artwork that some may find very disturbing or triggering.

Conclusion:

I truly believe that this moment, and maybe more-so what likely happens after it, are the moment that solidified Lemongrab 1's complete shift into tyranny and unlimited cruelty. When I say that, I'm not just talking about the toy and his anger over it. It's not and was never (just) about the toy (seriously, this dude could and would have snapped over anything).

It's about OG LG's increasingly intense need for control over everyone and everything and his ever-growing layer of extreme rage over...stuff from the past...that is always there. Taking is a bit further, it's actually about how LG viewed himself and his impulsive/compulsive behavior at that point.

Background:

So, a lot of people seemed to have thought/still think that LG is lacking in self-awareness, but I think this couldn't be further from the truth. LG is hyper-aware of himself and his actions. He knows there's something "wrong" with him. He (and those around him) just don't know what. So everyone in and out of universe find it easier to just be vague about the problem or not touch it at all.

I'll tell you what I think is wrong with him though: He's can't figure out how best to showcase empathy with others, or even fully decide if he truly wants to at all, so he typically just chooses not to.

Wait, what? I'm actually arguing that LG1 is/was capable of empathy, you ask? YES I am. Because he was. The moments were small, but they were there and were very significant to those who care. OG LG had what I'd call "limited" empathy as well as "optional" empathy. He wasn't the best with others' emotions at initial meetings but he could understand concepts like that of insult, bonding (but couldn't do it himself at first) and not wanting to die or get hurt. (I might finish a post that explains some examples in the near future.) He also chose who it was he would bestow his empathy upon for random and not-as-random reasons. In this sense, he's not that different from many of us. I also feel as though he could have had his sense of empathy increased and smoothed out with proper nurturing. But as we all know, that didn't happen.

(Also, he seems to be naturally more persnickity and "intense/passionate" than others, including LG2 even. At least when it comes to his beliefs and convictions. People irl who are like that can imagine, because of how we sometimes come across to others, even if we're trying to change.)

Conclusion Expansion (1):

We see throughout his arc, that LG1 increasingly worsened over time. Not solely though. For a blip of a period, he seemed to be improving, happy even. That period was of course when he was still close with LG2. Then, the fight happened.

It was so violent, even without showing us the gore. I'm actually a little shocked that there are people who think that scene is mainly or even only hilarious. It's terrifying to me whenever I see it, to the point where I often prefer to avoid it. That scene, to me, was yet another example of how much of an abuser LG1 has become, since his physical or emotional abandonment and/or since his creation. Is that obvious yet? LG1 was not just "lol random11!! hahaha craziiii!". He was insanely abusive. He was arguably abused himself, but that doesn't change the fact that he was an abuser, too. He even showed all the classic signs of an abuser as far back as "You Made Me" but, really, it was truly first shown in "Too Young".

Slight (Noteworthy) Sidetrack:

His brother (Which I think was meant to be seen as being to LG1 whatever you wanted to see him as, homophobes!) along with Lemonhope, got the worst of it and perfectly illustrate two different types of lives and mentalities of many abuse victims. One becomes, in a way, very self-centered and wants to escape no matter what, but stops thinking about what the rest of his family may be going through, also. The other wants to help others going through the same and won't leave them behind until the they have escaped on some level, even if it kills him (assuming he had the option to leave). And tell we don't know plenty of irl examples where other families also went through an older sibling or partner taking advantage of and mistreating a younger sibling or partner. (Don't think too hard about the LG's being "brother-lovers", alright? It's all symbolic, anyway.) Now a big question I and likely others have is this: Is he really "just like that?" Frankly, I think he partially or fully either inherited it or learned it from his experiences. Or someone else... But I digress. So yeah, I don't believe LG was just/solely born that way. Something about him changed sometime after he was born, I feel. But again, I can't quite say what because it was left ambiguous.

Conclusion Expansion (2):

LG has always had issues with his view of self and it causes him much pain. He doesn't know how to express the problem, so he basically just spazzes out. He seemed to have improved once his brother/partner came along, but in fact, this was only an illusion. LG never properly healed from his trauma or bad habits, because no one—not himself and certainly not others—worked with him to treat and eventually heal that trauma and reverse those bad habits. (It doesn't mean they didn't want to, though.) It was only a matter of time before he lost it on his brother and people over something petty. Two beings can never be exactly the same anyway, "twin" or not.

When he attacked his best friend for the first time and in such a gruesome manner... Well...ask yourself how that scene probably continued for the two of them? We actually saw the least scary part. Here's what I now headcanon as being the "right after":

(I'm not sure what the name of the artist who made this is. It's an amazing and very emotional piece, though.)

So with those awful images in mind, I think LG1 after devouring most of his own partner, may have paused for at least a moment, as LG2 managed to crawl away and look at him with such fear and hurt (perhaps looking like a reflection of himself) that LG1—if his self-awareness was on 100 that day—looked back at the mess he'd made of LG2's body and how their relationship would never be the same now, and decided "Haha wow...I AM a monsteerrrr!!!!". And from there, he decided to just lean into the persona completely. After all, what did he have to lose? What important figure in his life up to this point didn't see him that way, anyway? Now even the partner he once loved and who once loved him, did too. Might as well accept it and just solely act like what everyone already knows him to be. Which to LG means just act like his usual self, btw. Control freaks like him can only relax for so long...

It should also be noted that despite what we see LG1 do to LG2, that he doesn't completely devour him (why, we don't know) and that he gave him (likely created for him) a tool that would allow him to still move around and didn't give him a shock collar. So LG2 is still a cut above the others in LG1's mind, it seems, but that doesn't mean that things hadn't reached rock bottom for them. They just had further to go, is all. LG1 clearly no longer pedestalized LG2 anymore (and vice versa) and on some level likely blames LG2 for how he himself chose to react (pretty on-brand for both of them). Hence why, like some abusers, he seemed to now be withholding affection from LG2, wouldn't hear or accept LG2's own thoughts and opinions, (may have) starved him and why he pushed him down into and kept him in a subordinate position (something we once actually see him physically do to him at the dinner table).

And that, everybody, is why that scene in AFMSG is so significant; and imo, devastating.

Oh and here. Have another self-aware Lemongrab, far beyond post brother-attack:

"Looking for something? Well, you found me; Fat Lemongrab. - Original Lemongrab

This wild lemon man knew he was the monster/villain of the story at this point. 🍋 🥲

#Lemongrab #Lemongrab 1 #Lemongrab 2 #Adventure Time #Another Five More Short Graybles #AFMSG #Lemongrab analysis #Adventure Time analysis #episode analysis #abuse discussion #explaining abuse #abuser-victim dynamics #emotional neglect #implied neurodivergent character #neurodivergent abuser #neglect of neurodivergent character #misunderstood character #thematically underrated character #mentioned character: Lemonhope #implied mention: Princess Bubblegum

[heretherebedork]

I know this is probably overdramatic, but I found Vegas to be one of the most heartbreakingly complex and layered characters in a long time.

Vegas was amazing. Honestly, absolutely amazing and deeply layered and conflicted and complex is so many ways and part of it was also how deeply layered they made Pete and slowly, slowly showed up what they meant for the two of them.

Because to have two victims of abuse meet in a place that starts with more abuse only to have recognition be what breaks that cycle is so beautiful to behold that it's a little hard to take in at first.

Vegas is the victim of his father's abuse and has already begun the cycle again, playing it out with Tawan and kidnapping Pete to continue the same idea. Because he never had any chance to break that, never looked at it as anything less than he deserved and then to take it out on other people because that was the only thing he ever saw.

Pete was the victim of his father's abuse but he also had loving grandparents and a loving relationship showed him that what happened to him wasn't the only way. It didn't solve everything, it didn't fix the abuse, it didn't make him not be abused. But it showed him that there were people out there who didn't do that.

By giving us both sides of that cycle, by showing us what it means to truly break the cycle of abuse but also what it means to continue the cycle of abuse... the show gave us such deeply layered complexities and such nuanced characters that you truly felt like you could see their souls and watch them change and grow.

Vegas was a hollow, painful mask that lashed out because there was nothing inside him. Pete was a brilliant smiling mask that was filled to the brim with pain that he couldn't release.

Pete filled Vegas up and Vegas lets Pete release and they complete each other, they form their own cycle.

#vegaspete #vegas x pete #kinnporche the series #vegas theerapanyakul #pete kinnporsche #kinnporsche la forte #thai bl #bl drama #thai drama #thaibl #thai series #bl series #abuse tw #abuse discussion #yeah i love them your honor #favorite pairing 2022

[boatganronpa]

I'm still thinking about how Wyll doesn't see himself as a victim of abuse, so, let's dig into why that is.

First of all - he had a choice. Of course, there was no way with the way he was raised that he would choose anything else, but he still accepted the deal, so, to him, everything that happened since is a consequence of that choice.

Second, he gained something from it; he got his powers that help him save and help so many people. Surely something he uses for so much good, can't be born out of something bad like abuse.

Third, Mizora... Mizora approached him as an ally first. Cazador was an evil man, from beginning to end. Mizora though? She's much more devious than that - she simply made him aware of a dire situation, and offered him the power he needs to solve the problem. (iirc, in EA she didn't even reveal her devil form until the deal was made)

And after he was cast out? When he was forced out of the city he spent his entire 17 years of life in, by his father whom he loves the most, Mizora was there. He knew it was because of her - but it wasn't her fault, because he had a choice in it - and sure, a devil's not a company he'd normally keep, but she was still there when he was trying to deal with a huge change in his life. Mizora was there for him, when his dad abandoned him.

Once again, in EA, it was confirmed that Wyll and Mizora were intimate at some point. Its not unreasonable to think that when everything was changing, he would cling to the only stable thing in his life: Mizora. He found comfort in his powers, and by extension, in her. Also considering that Wyll is a romantic at heart, had his first kiss at 15 and was exiled at 17, It is possible that Mizora was the first person he had sex with, been that vulnerable with, and he would struggle to see or label her as an abuser.

Next, the distance. Thanks to the tadpole, Astarion was able to run away from Cazador - to get so far away, where he couldn't reach him. He was able to live away from his influence, and it was easier for him to recognize the abuse for what it was. Which is not the case for Wyll. Throughout the game, he [i]has a sending stone for an eye that directly connects her mind to his[/i]. No matter where he goes, Mizora's influence follows him. - At some point she even joins your camp and stays right next to Wyll, and she will not leave. No matter how many times you attack her, she disappears for a few seconds, and then she's right back at his side. He has no escape.

and finally "Other people are suffering more" - his scars aren't as apparent or deep as Astarion's, nor did his abuse last as long, so, it can't be that bad, can it?

TW: CSA-related discussion below

Quite the change of topic, I know, but bear with me for a moment.

When they think of child abuse, most people think about some creep kidnapping a child off a playground and being heinous. When this happens, it is obvious to everyone that it is abuse and gross and yada yada yada. That is closer to what happened to Astarion. He was caught at a weak moment, taken advantage of, and once he broke free, he was free of his abuser's influence.

That is not how csa occurs most often though. Often times, the abuser is someone the victim already knows and trusts, usually a family member or a family friend - someone who has influence on the kid's life, someone who has power over the kid. Due to the abuser already being someone the kid trusts, the kid can convince themself that they're misremembering things, they're making it up, or exaggerating it; because surely someone they trust wouldn't do something like that. And even if the physical aspects of the abuse stops, the abuser will try to cement themself in the kid's life and wait for the next opportunity to repeat. Which is closer to what happens to Wyll.

Unfortunately, in these cases, it is harder to identify abuse as what it is. - Which is exactly why Wyll struggles with it.

#wyll #wyllposting #csa mention #long post #abuse #abuse discussion #mizora #bg3 #he deserves better #I got the brainworms abt him #HE WAS SEVENTEEN #DID I MENTION THAT HE WAS SEVENTEEN BTW???? HEWAS A CHILD #thinking abt him #lmk your thoughts^^

[arocoded]

New carrd is done. It's actually been online since late October.

I lost access to an old email which I used to make it, so I just had to make a new one.

It's been months in the making. I got caught up in a lot of personal problems that had to come first. My family was trying to secure our housing, and (very luckily) it was taken care of. Other than that, I've been reading it over very carefully to make sure I worded everything as tactfully as needed.

I realized my last carrd was too vague about the "abusive behaviors" it mentioned, and that phrasing was actually too light for what I was trying to describe, which was abuse. It took me too long to realize that oversight, I'm depply sorry for that. There's generally much more detail as I felt was necessary, and resources for coping with abuse and abuse prevention.

Please read the new carrd below:

#.txt #updates #important #cw: #abuse discussion

[antifa-terra]

You know I think a lot of people, when they see the take “Bruce Wayne is abusive,” tend to assume that they mean either that being Robin in and of itself is child endangerment (which is boring and doesn’t take into account the fact it’s a story and stories are fun) or that Bruce hits his kids (which he’s done on a handful of occasions, most of which are chalked up to mind control, and/or been retconned out). I don’t believe Bruce is physically abusive. But like. Emotionally? That’s a different story. At the very least, his refusal to articulate how much the kids he’s taking care of mean to him to their face. A long one I can’t bare to get into right now because I don’t have the energy to organize all those screenshots but I’m sure someone has. He’s bad at communicaiting, which is excusable to an extent, but like -- if you’re so bad at communicating that.... I mean, fuck, there are so many situations where Bruce’s unwillingness to communicate makes shit worse. Hi, War Games, for example. Also Bruce just going “oh yeah I knew she was alive” and not saying anything about it... Like you can say it’s different with Steph because she’s not his child or that was the authors being shitty, but I could go into dozens and dozens of instances of him not communicating and that pushing people to do insane shit to prove themselves to him... it’s neglectful at the bare minimum. You could try to retcon all of that out, rewrite it, but like-- to what? How do you do that without undermining the character of so many people around him?

#abuse discussion

[bonefall]

Thank you for making Squilf a Nasty Sassy Little Lady. You have brought honor to us all

It's soo easy to like... strip away what makes Squilf so meaningful. People trying to say that her mouthing off at someone who's being rude to her or being generally mean when she's stressed out makes her "out of character" and sometimes it feels like... "Do you like Squirrelflight or do you just like the fawning, guilt-ridden version of her during the worst abuse in her life in OotS?"

She's not the "perfect little victim" which ends up being the only rep abuse survivors get; She mouths off at her abuser and gets punished for it, she's forced into situations where she MUST break rules and agonizes when she has to do the inevitable, and she forgives him, agreeing that she needs to take "equal blame" because She Did "Bad" Things Too

Soooo often (and even in warriors because i dont think for a moment this is intentional) in order for society to agree you were abused, you have to be fucking saintly. NEVER bite back when you're being hurt, never get upset and do something stupid or impulsive, can't "push their buttons" because then, whether they phrase it like this or not, they say you're guilty too

And if you're marginalized, it's even fucking worse. If you're getting abused you better not have BPD or NPD because even if you were a BEACON of divinity, your emotional instability gets used to actually, truly gaslight you. Not just lying, gaslighting. Making you doubt your ability to trust your own mind.

"What I did wasn't so bad, and also you have Irrational Person Disorder so you're just being crazy. I wasn't poking you with a stick like a caged bear you're just sensitive, and you hurt me, so, I'm justified getting back at you actually"

Squirrelflight isn't a sad shaking chihuahua and Bramblestar isn't a bellowing, belt-wielding wifebeater and that's why she means SO MUCH to me. She reacts to provocation. He manipulates her so he can be justified in asserting his authority. Her whole family is in this Clan that's being controlled by her abuser. She can't "Just Leave," that OTHER thing that gets splashed at abuse survivors constantly.

She isn't the stereotypical image of a socially agreed-upon abuse victim. That's what MAKES her so much more raw and personal to me. She can't trust, she has to lie, she snaps and argues and always does what she thinks is best for everyone... even if that means a lot of pain.

So like, BB!Squilf is a Nasty Sassy Little Lady and she will be pried from my cold, dead hands

#Tw abuse #abuse discussion #abuse #domestic abuse #cw abuse #Better Bones AU #she means so much to me I care her #there is no character in this world like Squirrelflight Warrior Cats #She is EVERYTHING #warrior cats analysis

[kahin]

u all need to be nicer to children of abuse who have complicated feelings toward their family or just plain hate them. im not sorry actually theyre not obligated to like or love them get over yourself or die

#abuse discussion #rant

[tearsofperseides]

Maybe a hot take but

If you headcanon a character as neurodivergent, you cannot act as if your headcanon is canon fact.

If someone disagrees with your ND headcanon, they are not ableist, they just see the character differently. I don't think El is autistic and I have a friend who headcanons her as autistic and guess what? BOTH ARE VALID!

What ISN'T valid is attacking people who don't agree with your HC and calling them ableist and saying they're demeaning your victimhood. They are not.

Another thing, a character isn't acting ableist towards a character if you headcanon them as ND. There are definitely autistic people who relate to El because of their experiences and they have gotten discriminated against with similar/exact wording like the ones from other characters in stranger things. YES, what those people said to you WAS ableist, but that is because of the fact you're disabled. What they have said to El isn't.

Same goes with victims. If a character who is not intended/shown as abusive reminds you of your past abuser, that does not make the character an abuser. If your abuser said things just like what... idk Robin said, that doesn't make Robin an abuser, because there was no intention of abuse there. Abuse, especially psychological, is a very deliberate and intentional thing.

Also before anyone comes for me, even though this feels ridiculous that I even have to point it out, I am both autistic and a victim. Don't you dare say anything along the lines of "it's clear this person hasn't experienced abuse".

#fandom discourse #stranger things discourse #eleven hopper #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #stranger things #stranger things headcanons #stranger things fandom #ableism discussion #abuse discussion #anyway have a nice day y'all #im mad and disappointed #<3

[echidnana]

currently very angry at the state of psychiatry

#just thinking about how fucked up the system is . like in general but especially psych #the way people have been horrendously fucking abused. and stripped of autonomy. #and so beyond angry at the way ‘normal’ people treat the ‘mentally ill’ #the institutional violence enacted upon people. it’s disgusting #it’s probably a combination of how we’re doing the yellow wallpaper + some posts we’ve seen recently #but all the victims of psychiatry. are weighing heavy on us. sending love to everyone #fukase.txt #ask to tag #psychiatry tw #abuse discussion

[tabby-shieldmaiden]

I have complicated views on the whole ‘you don’t owe your parents anything’ thing. Because, like. On the one hand, I understand why it’s being said. People have abusive parents whom they want nothing to do with, and that’s completely fair. I think folks who have poor relationships with their parents due to their parents’ abuse of them should be able to live a life away from them, and they don’t owe their parents anything. Like, I get that on a mental level. I support it, I support abuse victims’ right to happiness and self-actualization.

But also, I feel like on a base, gut, emotional level the idea still kind of makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. At least when thinking about whether I can do the same.* And a large part of that comes from well, the type of culture that I grew up in. The concept of filial piety has kind of... ingrained itself into my very soul and being, if that makes sense? It’s something, an idea, that growing up I was so deeply entrenched in - in school, at home, in church - that the idea that I could just... not take care of my parents, and the idea that I don’t owe them anything, is always just going to weird me out a little. When I first became very online, the idea of just... not dealing with your parents and other adults who helped raise you was... well, it did give me quite a bit of culture shock.

And like. I know that it’s not just Chinese people who have these ingrained cultural values. ‘Honour thy father and mother’ is an idea that’s spread through the western world too. It’s something that a lot of people, abuse victims especially, have taken effort to unlearn. And I think, yeah, valid.

Maybe a part of why I feel slightly uncomfortable with the idea is also because overall... I don’t consider my parents abusive? I feel like... they have made a lot of mistakes, but I do ultimately want to forgive them for it because... I dunno. I really don’t know. I remember not-so-great stuff, but I feel like, after a lot of thinking and reflection and looking at things from different perspectives... I think I can only ever see them as just flawed people who are trying to hold down jobs while raising two brainweird kids. I don’t know. Maybe if things had been worse, I would be more willing to cut ties with them. Maybe not. I really don’t know. All I know is that I still see my parents as flawed people who I disagree with on a number of things. But between the freedom to live out the type of life that I want, and looking after them, I feel obligated to choose the latter. It’s a matter of responsibility for me.

I guess another thing that complicates it is well. The fact that I am training to work in healthcare. There’s a very real possibility that I will someday end up working in a nursing home, looking after the elderly in the ageing population. There’s a very real possibility that some of the elderly I will take care of might have been abusive parents. And in these circumstances... I will still have to look after them. Nursing homes are already depressing as they are. Frail elderly people in hospital wards are depressing. Broken families are depressing. I feel like, this idea that I will already be looking after the elderly in such a way makes it seem kind of pointless to cut ties to my family, if that makes sense? Regardless of what happens or happened. Regardless of whether or not I can live life out of the closet. Regardless of a lot of things. And I feel like when it is my job to look after people like that, it will change me in someway, it will colour my worldview. It would be hard for me to disentangle the tragedy (?) (don’t know if that’s the right word to use?) of it all from the situation. When it is always going to be in front of me.

I feel like maybe my views on this may be subject to change someday. But at the present, I feel like this might be why I do have somewhat complicated feelings on the idea of not owing my parents anything.

*This is part of a lot of complicated society things which make me wonder if it’s possible or feasible for me to live out of the closet

#tabby says something #abuse discussion #child abuse discussion #personal #would prefer it if you didn't reblog #replies are fine #these are just rambly thoughts

[aceing-on-the-cake]

I get why people are starting to have more discussions on the way their parents have failed them in general, and starting to be open about the way that your parents can fail you in general. And I think these are good discussions to have!

But one of the things I've noticed, that I do not truly like, is that people have started to a certain extent say that if your parents messed up in some way that they are basically unforgivable, or that they are just bad people for it.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not going to tell someone else how to define and talk about their own trauma. But my problem with this is that people have started to do it towards people that are not their parents.

I'm aware my mother is not a perfect person. I am aware that she did make mistakes, and those mistakes have had and will have lasting effects upon me. I am aware that some of the things she is currently doing are not good actions as a parent. But it is not someone else's place to tell me how to define that. It is okay if the things my mother did are a hard boundary to you and you would have just simply cut her off if it was your parent who did or said the things she has.

She's not though.

She is my mother. which means that I do get final say in how I define my relationship with her, and how I define and talk about my trauma caused by her.

And it means that I do get to talk about the ways in which she was an exceptional mother. Because it is not all black and white, as with almost everything else in life, there are gray areas.

So yes I think it is important that we continue to be able to discuss the things that our parents did to hurt us, both so that we can grow and heal as a generation, and also so that we can work to make reparations and heal those relationships, because sometimes they just do not know what they have done wrong.

Sometimes that is how they have been raised, and until they themselves see that you can do it differently, sometimes it's not out of malice. Sometimes they're literally just humans. And humans are not all good or all bad, they are complicated.

I feel it is necessary to put a disclaimer that this is again, talking about the way I personally define and experience my own forms of parental trauma. I am not stating that cutting off your parents is always a wrong decision. I am not saying that you do not have the ability to define your own experience with your own parents as fully just abusive. Because it's your experience, it's not mine, and that is my entire point.

#tw abuse #tw abusive parents #abuse discussion #parenting #discussion #personal take

[ghostfacetheballfondler]

by the way. telling people to not use ableist language isn't silencing abuse victims or taking away their language.

narcissist abuse is just emotional abuse but with an ableist coat on it. i don't care if people don't think emotional abuse counts as real abuse, why not advocate for seeing emotional abuse as valid abuse instead? you are just playing into the "emotional abuse isn't real" crowd by saying narcissistic abuse instead.

and if you are advocating for narcissistic abuse to mean abuse at the hands of a narcissist and/or someone with npd(instead of it being a synonym for emotional abuse), then my question is why do we need a word for this? and there is no unique or special way for people with narcissists or pwnpd to abuse someone. because woah! would you look at that? it is just emotional abuse.

we live in a shitty ableist world which will use any excuse to harm those with mental disorders. i don't care if someone has the best intentions, i don't care if someone genuinely doesn't mean to implicate pwnpd when they talk about narcissistic abuse, it will still hurt us, so get over yourself and fucking stop.

and before the "narcissist doesn't equal npd!!" crowd comes in, i don't care about your language games, fuck off. but even if we accept that statement as true, people with npd will still get harmed by such language. npd and narcissism are and will always be linked to eachother. if you talk about the evils of narcissism, people will connect it with npd.

even if we change the name of npd it won't help. dissociative identity disorder is still widely known as multiple personality disorder. antisocial personality disorder is still widely known as socio/psychopathy. why would npd be any different?

(and idk. i think it is kinda shitty to be like "hey let's change the name of a disorder because i am too stubborn to say selfish instead of narcissist!!")

edit: if this wasn't clear, stop saying narcissistic abuse because it hurts pwnpd! you already have plain ol' abuse, emotional abuse, hell, even selfish abuse too! telling someone to stop saying narcissistic abuse isn't silencing anyone from talking about your abuse when you can literally just change one word and be fine! holy shit

#npd #actually npd #actuallynpd #ableism discussion #narc abuse isn't real