#and then hes like oh fuck ur humanity has endeared u to me. oh fuck

[s4lv4tions]

war god sukuna has no need for you. you know this as intimately as you know yourself.

he is a monstrous god, well-suited to the mantle he was given from birth; two pairs of muscular arms as thick as the average man’s torso, two cruel faces, a gaping maw carved into the hardness of his stomach. to peer into sukuna’s eyes is to see death and famine and destruction — wars raged long before you and long after you — and live through it all.

he has no need for you. he is perhaps more powerful than the entire pantheon, even the six-eyed-one and the curse-consumer, who swallows the sky every day to bring night. you have little understanding of the sheer magnitude of his power — your pathetic human brain can only fathom so much — but you know that sukuna, undoubtedly, is the very meaning of the word. and yet, he keeps you.

you are not a concubine, though he shirks those he has in favour of your company. you are not a general, nor an admiral, nor a soldier, and yet he seeks your counsel. you are not a mage, and hardly a grand priestess, and yet sukuna finds your door instead of that of his great temple, where hundreds live and breathe to serve him.

you had only reached the status of alter-maiden before your own temple was crushed to dust; little responsibility was given to you beyond tending the hearth, studying, and occasionally helping with chores. but sukuna dresses you in the finery of high priestesses — gauzy crimson dresses that bare your stomach and chest, fine golden jewellery and garnets that appear almost black in low light — and instructs you to dance in the way your superiors did. dances of worship, dances that he does not need, because he is already all-powerful.

the dances fit you like armour fits the weedy frame of a young boy — your legs don’t quite stretch far enough, your arms can’t move with a fluidity only gained by experience — but sukuna watches you like you are a sorceress, enchanting him with each step. he hushes uruame as they try to speak, insisting on remaining undisturbed during your worship — and when you finish, panting and glistening with sweat, your god only hums in satisfaction, grin all sharp-toothed and feral.

it must be blasphemous, you think, to perform such revered dances so clumsily—

but perhaps even more blasphemous, though, is the lingering touches your god fixes upon your waist; the hunger in his eyes as you dance; the scrape of his pointed nails against your jawline; the tent in his robes at the sound of your laboured breaths after dancing.

you fear the god of war means to have you in more ways than one — and worse still, you can’t find it within you to care.

#sukuna x reader #nsft #sukuna x you #jjk x reader #jjk x you #sukuna smut #jjk smut #listen i have a lot of thoughts abt how u really r just like #a toy for him at first #like a cat batting at a dying bird #ur just like so pathetic and human and hes like yeah ill take that one #and it means absolutely nothing at the start - ur just amusing and entertaining and ur heart beats like a hummingbirds when he looks at u- #-like he wants to split u in two on his cock (he does) #and then hes like oh fuck ur humanity has endeared u to me. oh fuck #etc but add more jealous concubines and godly drama of course :3333

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 10

welcome the the tenth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. A Rain-Check on Redamancy by @youraveragemushroom

Burnout these days usually came from working long nights at the Garrison. If Lance from five years ago could see himself today—working part-time to rebuild Earth and full-time as an instructor at the very same institution that gave him his crippling anxieties—he would probably shit a brick. Hell, five years ago he hadn’t even known aliens existed (although he always knew deep down that humans weren’t alone in the universe), and now he’s best friends with multiple! One of which had apparently texted him an hour ago.

Forgoing proper texting procedure due to fatigue and general doneness, Lance tapped on the icon to call back.

“Hello?” a familiar deep rasp answered from the other line.

“Hey, mullet,” Lance replied, pushing aside the papers in front of him to lay his head down on the desk. “What’s cooking?”

In which Lance finds himself ignoring how late it is and indulges himself in pining after Keith. Which becomes slightly more difficult when said object of his affections shows up in the middle of the night to rescue him from paperwork, stress, and the melancholy that came from being away from him.

the ‘god i wish you were here’ ‘look behind you’ trope will get to me EVERY single time idc. always makes me all stimmy bc its THE epitome of romance. this whole thing was so so romantic and full of parallels to the first episode to show how deep their relationship has gotten...i love me some romantic parallels fr

2. sweetheart by @jilliancares

“Sorry, babe,” Keith says. He even smiles, no doubt proud of himself.

And Lance knows it’s his fault. He started it, after all, but at least the biting term of endearment made sense when he was the one doing it. Keith had been talking to him like they were some old married couple. The kind who’ve been married too long and don’t love each other anymore and gripe over meaningless shit, only managing to piss each other off even further.

That’s why Lance called him dear. Because it made sense in the situation. It was a calculated insult. A strategic jab.

Keith, on the other hand, is weaponizing the term of endearment without any rhyme or reason, simply to get back at Lance.

Or: Keith and Lance have gotten into the habit of using pet names as condescending insults. They're not really terms of endearment.

ooooooo god endearments going from sarcastic to desperately genuine and the inherent hopelessness in that....whew boy. its def a Concept that u indulge and then you have to clutch ur stomach. i remember reading this as i was getting ready and brushing my teeth and the cliff scene made me gasp out loud and stop just to i could pay Full Complete Attention

3. don’t speak the language by @goldengalaxies

“More importantly” Lance says. “I am currently having a breakdown in this lift because look at him- I am so incredibly gay.”

“Lance!” Hunk buries his face in his hands. “He could speak English you know, your skills of deduction are really not that good.”

Lance ignores his warning in favour of groaning dramatically. “Oh, Dios mio, Hunk, he’s so gorgeous. Look at those muscles. He could probably bench press me.” Lance fanned himself. “Oh my God, fencing is my new favourite sport, fuck swimming.”

(or the one where Lance thirsts after a random guy in the lift who he thinks can’t speak English. lance is very wrong and hunk is very much done with his shit.)

let me tell u about this fuckin FIC. it’s hilarious, but i first read it before i meticulously started storing and bookmarking my fave fics, so when i wanted to reread it i couldnt find it. but i KNEW it was hilarious so i spent fckn hours looking for it, and it took me hours too bc i coulnt figure out which tags to filter. but it was WORTH IT. the entire concept of this fic is hilarious and makes me laugh. amazing work.

4. Whose bright idea was this? by IronScript

When Lance is captured during a mission with the MFE pilots, he wakes up aboard Haggar's ship, though the witch herself isn't there, so he figures why waste an opportunity? Then he finds something that he definitely hadn't expected.

All the while, he has no idea that back at the Garrison, his team and a few select others are watching his every move.

bro the idea that the team is panicked for lance’s safety and they desperately organise a rescue mission for him terrified that hes getting tortured and losing hope but by the time they find him he’s already got one foot out the door and has rescued himself is ENDLESSLY funny to me. like he really said ‘damsel in distress who’ and i love him for that lmao

5. Garfle! Warfle! Snick! by IronScript

How the game show episode actually should have happened.

I'll admit to being a Lance stan, but even people who don't like him seem to agree that he was really fucked over in this episode. So here's my attempt at it. Is it more realistic than what actually happened? I like to think so.

another ironscript fic bc they nail bamf lance. this is how the gameshow WOULD have gone if vld gave a shit about their characters like actually. like yes of course the team is proud of each other and capable of acknowledging mistakes. of course keith knows lance’s worth. of course lance is a badass. of course the team knows wtf theyre doing. love to read this when i get mad about the game show

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

#have a lot of fics i Looked for today #vld #voltron #lance #lance mcclain #keith #keith kogane #bamf lance #team as family #klance #pining lance #soft klance #fic rec #fic rec friday #longpost

[cuinnamonbun]

I really love ur headcanon about Hijabi Mc with the brothers! I really love it cuz there is no one writing about us in any fandom =(

I was thinking would u do the (un)datebale characters with Hijabi Mc if u can ? =3

If u don’t want then u can ignore the ask 🖤

Hello there, angel! I assume you meant the chaotic Hijabi MC headcanon that I wrote, so I hope you enjoyed these xx

she/her pronouns!!

The (Un)Dateable Characters' + Luke’s Reactions to a Hijabi MC That Looks Extremely Pious and Quiet but is Actually a Chaotic Mess

Diavolo

As future king of the Devildom that wishes to strengthen the relations between the three realms, prejudice and discrimination against the human exchange students’ choice of religion is a HUGE no-no

Diavolo would not mind the fact that she is wearing a symbol of her devotion to God on her head, but he would be so intrigued by this human at first meeting

Not about her religion, of course, he is well aware of all the religions in the world; Abrahamic religion being the one he is most familiar with (obvi)

What excited him was the fact that this human was so. friggin. hilarious.

He’s not even sure if this human is doing it on purpose because something would happen that would catch her off guard and she would just say?? the most random shit???

Like say, she got jumped by Mammon and her response to that would be a monotone scream and a “sTOP i could’ve dropped my croissant!” but she was actually genuinely startled

He’d be so fascinated like wow! Go girl, give us nothing!!

He would invite her over for tea so many times just so she could explain slang to him

Diavolo: Tell me MC, what is the meaning of DILF?

Due to personal reasons, MC will now be passing away

He would abuse the usage of slang everywhere and he would be so excited to finally understand what Leviathan is talking about

Lucifer: Diavolo, we must talk about the student council budget

Diavolo: That wasn’t very cash money of you

Lucifer: ....excuse me?

Diavolo: Periodt okurrr slay queen

MC has to go hide to avoid being slaughtered like a sacrificial lamb by Lucifer

Diavolo would be also be curious and impressed at the intricate planning of each and every one of her pranks

Like sure, it may be annoying to be the one at the receiving end of it, but understanding the details behind it?? All the logic, physics and patience put into it just to ensure a flawless delivery??? Absolutely stunning

MC has him mesmerised

He would absolutely want to learn the art of pranking from her

Honestly, at this point it’s no longer the human exchange student and the Devil King, it’s now the mentor and the mentee

Lucifer has to demand MC to stop teaching him these things for the sake of his sanity because it’s taking him away from his royal duties that’s keeping the Devildom from falling apart

They still meet up in secret though screw you, Lucifer

Barbatos

This is another demon whom would not mind the fact that their chosen exchange student is a Muslim

Lord Diavolo’s reputation hangs on this exchange program going extremely well, he would not let simple prejudices put a smear on that

He has prepared himself well to receive people from different walks of life just so he can provide all students a comfortable stay during their term in the Devildom

But wait...what is that human doing?

Oh...this poor man

Not only does he have to keep that ginormous labyrinth of a castle spotless and immaculate at all times and ensure that every event being hosted by the castle is going perfectly without a hitch, but he also has to take care of an overgrown man-child that is also known as the future king of the Devildom

Now, he has to make sure this...mess of a human doesn’t go stir up trouble anywhere?

Barbatos is a calm and collected man, but he’s still a demon; virtues aren’t exactly something they practice 

He would need to down three cups of melancholy coffee and squeeze a stress ball whenever he catches MC in her antics whether it is alone or with someone in tow

Somehow he’s the only one whom MC would find almost impossible to prank

Like she managed to catch Lucifer off guard once (that was her proudest achievement) but BARBATOS???? yeah, it’s like he has a pair of eyes on the back of his head or something

MC: *tries to sneak up on him*

Barbatos, not even turning back: Enough of that now, MC, come enjoy this tea I’ve made

Pranking Barbatos will become her number one mission during her entire term in the Devildom

Barbatos would be really amused and impressed at the lengths she would go through just to see that shocked look on his face

Why, it might even be—dare he say—endearing

Though MC will cause this man stress and grey hairs, Barbatos couldn’t help but appreciate her company every time she came around

When she’s not up to her daily shenanigans, she would simply opt to help Barbatos out with some of the chores or preparing the treats for a tea party with the student council members and the exchange program, even though he’s mentioned that she should do no such thing

But knowing that this girl is constantly energetic and restless, Barbs agreed to let her help since he would not want to deal with her breaking some priceless antiques or getting herself in trouble with Devildom law again

She helps to remind him that it’s okay to be laidback once in a while and that he doesn’t need to be so uptight all the time

These two have an unusual friendship but it’s only good vibes all around ^^

Before she leaves the Devildom though, he would pretend that she actually managed to startle him with her last grand prank and the look on her face was worth his reputation taking a slight hit

He totally has a soft spot for her

Solomon

OOOOH THESE TWO

THESE TWO ARE THE EMBODIMENT OF CHAOS ITSELF

Solomon and MC would be the best of friends man

The minute this shady sorcerer laid his eyes on her, he KNEW...this would be his new BFF

They would wreak so much havoc together that they give Lucifer a migraine the size of Lord Diavolo’s castle because they’re rUiNiNG tHe iNtEgRiTy oF tHE eXcHanGe pRoGrAm

Psh, as if that’d stop them

Honestly, it was like they each have one braincell that cancels each other out every time they get together

Lucifer: You two better have an explanation for this

MC: We have three actually. 

Solomon: Pick your favourite

Lucifer hates it whenever they get together and he would always try to prevent them from meeting up 

But his wits are no match for the power of their friendship!!

Solomon would defff try to persuade MC to get more pacts with other demons

Solomon: C’monnnn MC, we could be powerful! :c

MC: Bold of you to assume we’re not powerful now, bestie

So we have established that MC loves to pull pranks right?

She would have so many ideas on the top of her head that she would never use because 1) they either defy the laws of physics or 2) she would need magic to pull it off perfectly

So imagine her excitement when she found out Solomon is the greatest human sorcerer

She would 100% reel him in her plans and schemes and NO ONE (except the angels, they have immunity bc they’re babies :] ) would be safe from them

Despite all the fun they would have though, Solomon definitely treasures her as his greatest friend

I imagine life for Solomon would be quite lonely and he appreciates the constant joy and company that MC would provide him

He would definitely fuck a bitch up if someone dares to mess with his bestie ��

These two adore each other so much but they would be caught DEAD before they would admit that to each other 🤭

Simeon

When they first met, Simeon was so happy to find a person so devoted to God such as MC

He takes it upon himself to become MC’s guardian angel around the Devildom

He would helicopter them for a while and would (reluctantly) back off if MC finds it a bit suffocating 

(don’t be mean MC, he just cares about u alot that’s all :( )

This man is capital P patient

I mean, that’s a given with him being an angel and all

But seriously,,, one has to be in awe at how calm and collected he is even when MC would pull pranks that would cause a normal person to wanna punch the living daylights out of her

Eventually she would feel bad and stop pulling these pranks on him though, he’s just too sweet and she can’t take advantage of that </3

They would be really close though (along with Luke) because he would frequently invite her to pray the 5 essential prayers together with Luke or read the Qur’an together and it’s just wholesome vibes all around man 🥺

As angels, him and Luke would have such beautiful recitations of the Qur’an and I can picture MC frequently dropping by Purgatory Hall just to listen to him recite the kalimahs with the perfect tajweed (Non-Muslims if you’d like to hear an example, check out Sheikh Mishary reciting Surah al-Kahf, it’s beautiful man 🥺)

He would frequently invite MC and Luke out for walks too and these three would look so domestic together people often mistake them as a little family (much to the brothers’ chagrin and Simeon’s amusement)

Simeon has such a calming presence that he could even tame a chaotic MC down and have her sit still enough, it will be as if she turned into a completely different person

Lucifer, in his demon form: MC STOP RUNNING AROUND YOU’RE GOING TO FALL AND HURT URSELF

MC, violently shaking like a hamster on crack: U CANT STOP ME LUCI, URE NOT THE BOSS OF-

Simeon: Hello, MC! Would you like to come and have a pleasant chat with me? ^^ 

MC, as if in a trance: ...anything for you, Beyonce

MC is such a simp for Simeon and honestly, who can blame her?

Luke

Luke was extremely happy when the two of them met

This cutie is a proud servant of God and he loves humans who loves Him as much as he does

So it comes as to no one’s surprise when he attaches himself to MC

This would heighten when MC stepped between him, Beel and Lucifer during that,,,,incident

His favourite time of the day is praying in congregation with MC and Simeon and baking with MC

MC would steer clear from involving Luke in her pranks and/or outright pranking him

He’s just a precious little child okay, MC has a soft spot for this angel

She would definitely try to tone down her chaotic energy around him, but she would NOT hesitate to verbal + cyber bully any demons that dare to bully her child

Rando demon: haha shortstack

MC: So you have chosen death

Seriously, Luke would gawk at the obscenities coming from MC’s mouth

He would have to physically drag her away before the demons could devour them both

He would be absolutely SHOOKETH at the language she used because she has been nothing but sweet and polite to him. It was like she switched into a whole different person right in front of his eyes

Luke: MC! I knew living with those horrid demons is a bad idea! They’ve corrupted you now!! *crying Luke noises*

MC: Lil buddy, I was born this way

He would definitely feel really touched that MC is so protective of him though, but he would have to tell her to never say those words again, even if she’s trying to protect him

She would (hesitantly) tell him she would try her best but that would literally only last for half a day because another demon has foolishly decided to mess with him with her present

MC is Luke’s mother point blank period.

#obey me! shall we date? #obey me! #obey me hcs #obey me scenarios #obey me x mc #obey me x muslim!mc #muslim!mc #diavolo obey me #barbatos obey me #solomon obey me #simeon obey me #luke obey me #diavolo x mc obey me #barbatos x mc obey me #solomon x mc obey me #simeon x mc obey me

[originlist]

INCOHERENT THOUGHTS ABOUT SALIERIS VALENTINES SCENE

the music was really neat, the background music changed A Lot, which hasn’t happened much in the other scenes ive gotten. it was nice that they put a lot of variation in it! and the fact that calm salieri has strings, while the portion that mozart narrates is piano. i like that for them. it fits.

(also yes its Mozart narrating the end, he’s the only one who uses ‘Maria’ for Marie like FGO U CAN JUST OUTRIGHT SAY THEYRE MARRIED,)

heres some screenshots i had that gave me THOUGHTS!

the fact that salieri assumes that any time he’s spoken to, it must be because Master needs someone dead, that there is no other reason he will ever be approached, makes me highkey emo

he does this, in his mind, to protect Master though, keep them safe from his influence that he assumes must be toxic, so surely the safest is to only be approached for murder

also i do appreciate a good confirmation of my thought that Salieri wanders Chaldea in his human body, and switches to Grey Man to discuss battle. the power of how he’s divided his personality, and his maybe subconscious maybe intentional wish to keep the ‘human appearance’ of Salieri separate from the events of the battlefield.

:^)

this is just here because i think it’s cute how he pings between languages :”) polyglot moods salieri ur so endearing

but also, his preferred language Italian for things he likes (cioccolata) and his nemesis German for things he’s trying to alienate (Gottlieb). hoo hoo. its about the Symbolism.

more of “oh god someones being nice to me A HUMANS BEING NICE TO ME NO YOU CANT!!! YOU CANT BE NICE!!!! I LIKE CHOCOLATE!!! I CANT LIKE IT! SALIERI LIKED CHOCOLATE AND IM NOT SALIERI SO I CANT BUT I DO BUT MAYBE IM A LITTLE BIT HIM BUT AAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

also the music switches here again! local man has such an identity crisis he jars himself out of the violin music

in notes of interest, Salieri pings between “ware” and “watashi” around this part because hes VERY confused and can’t keep track of who he is. because he cant take chocolate because hes not a person and if hes not a person than hes death but when hes not on the field hes supposed to be a person but not around master and hes not salieri but hes a little bit of his ego but he cant be salieri but sometimes hes a smidge salieri but salieri likes candy and he currently likes candy also but he shouldnt because hes not allowed to but why not but its----

anyways, per some shoving around google, “watashi” when used by men has a connotation of being ‘closed off’ which imo fits well in connection to the fact that salieri does not invite ritsuka in to his emotional confidence: he narrates a lot of his thoughts out loud and hes bad at keeping himself secrets, but the things he says arent to give ritsuka a sense that theyre his confidant, its to try and keep them the fuck away from him because hes dangerous to them and his reality (to him) should prove that. watashi is also decently polite, fits.

grey man uses “ware” which is not common, archaic, and highkey formal, used for higher class which imo is because grey man is death and death is generally depicted as old and with respect

also at one point in between salieri trying to settle down he ends up going “waretashi” once which is. kinda funny. do your best, my guy.......

im going to actually cry irl in my house

he is so worried for ritsuka, that his presence is going to hurt them, that he cannot be treated like a person because he doesn’t deserve to be, because he has to be inhuman, its the only way he can keep living like this if he rationalizes and compartmentalizes and screams when his Master tries to tell him it’s alright to be a person or whatever he is. he has to keep them safe and he has to keep himself sane, or whatever approximation of coherent that keeps him able to exist on a battlefield and able to say he has a purpose for existing

a “person” could never be like this, would never do the things he has

right?

[me crying] and in the concluding note, amasali rights 2k21, the one thing that eases how depressed i am over salieri is how EVERY SINGLE TIME he appears in story or event there’s another point in the text about how fucking much mozart gets him and even though he’s gonna give salieri shit hes also not gonna push him beyond his limits because mozart understands im s

#ooc #headcanon : salieri #misc : salieri

[k-l-a-n-c-e-a-c-a-d-e-m-y]

Re zero anon :) ok so for doctor stone I had considered watching it when it came out but I did not like how the girls eyes were drawn... it’s kind of funny that that’s what threw me off it really was the one and only thing that stopped me from watching it when it came out. but like I said I saw you posting about it and it sounded nice so I thought I’d give it a shot and I really really liked it! I had no idea I would like it so much actually, but I love the characters and even though I have no idea how concrete the actual science is it’s a neat concept done well enough and it’s always so crazy! I just always have a good time watching dcst even when it’s sad it has a nice feeling to it... I feel like no matter how many times I watch it I’m always gonna be so excited to see how Senku pulls off all his crazy science stuff he’s such a great character, I love how he cares for his friends even if he’s not the best at showing it LOL also I cried over his dad he loved him so much it literally saved humanity his dad LOVES HIM!!!!!! 😭

for YNM it was the “sorry if this looks gay to the viewers” and “it’s gay af to deduce another man” posts that actually got me curious even before I’d watched it I thought they were really funny... I saw a couple more people talking about it too and it really is so satisfying, like seeing a bunch of rich assholes die? Excellent. 10/10 concept and the characters are likable too, the live action Sherlock could never. I love how even though the Moriartys are the “bad guys” in the grand scheme of things they’re not bad people and they are truly making the world a better place and doing it all for the good of the people. Also it is literally the best version of Sherlock I’ve ever seen he is so funny. I love that he’s still smart and dedicated but he’s also allowed to have fun and joke around with the other characters, he is just very endearing to me.

Also I think it’s really sweet that you want to hear my thoughts too, it’s really nice to have someone to talk to about it! (๑>◡<๑) you always make whatever you’re watching seem super enjoyable it’s really fun to see even secondhand :)

REZERO ANON SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO RESPOND !!! Holds ur hand OKAY I AGREE WIYH LIKE EVERYRHING H SAID AAAAAA so YEAH. Like it’s incredible to me how like. The men in dcst are drawn SO WELL. They’re all GENUINELy so pretty 😭😭 and then u see the women Ans it’s like 😃 what happened . Please go outside . Look at a woman please please THEURE drawn in that horrible like. Comic book way? Where like where are their organs. The spine. Hello.... it’s their proportions and the eyes.... I just don’t get why they COULDNT be drawn the same way.... and it suxks so bad bc I ADORE kohaku and Yuzuriha .... kohaku is so so funny and I love how she jumps to violence so fast 😭😭 And yeah a major part of why I love DCST so much is because of the characters and their relationships?? Like it’s so fucking sweet how much they all care for each other like they’re literally a family. I can go more in depth into like my fav relationships bc they make me so soft .... OH who are ur fav characters??? I have a handful like . It’s hard to pick one when it comes to DCST 😭😭 and iirc actual scientists get involved and like fact check the science that goes on with dr stone so for the most part it is legit or at least grounded in logic.... AND YEAH LIKE. I did not expect it to be as emotional as it was .... AND FOR YNM YESYEYSYSYSYSYZ like it genuinely such a good series I do wish it was more popular >:/ like again I love how like. It’s just GOOD like the crimes and stuff is kinda cool and I adore the sherliam dynamic 😭😭 also like again like DCST I love the characters and the relationships likw how the Moriarty crew are a found family. Like Albert, Liam, and Louis’ relationship with one another is so heart warming and so sweet to see 🥺 and I do love that like. They’re considered to be the “bad” guys but the narrative doesn’t rlly condemn them.... like even Sherlock, the supposed hero doesn’t hate Liam for being behind the crimes he actually wanted that 😭 AND WHAAA u remember those posts 🥺🥺🥺 AND RIGHT LIKE I ALWAYS SAY YNM SHERLOCK IS LIKE RHE BEST INTERPRETATION. (I do love the dgs Sherlock too ) AND EXACTLY LIKE I love that Sherlock is a brat and can kinda be an asshole but he genuinely loves the people arounf him (like how John and Hudson are like family to him) and yeah he’s so funny I LOVE WHEN HES JUST ANNOYING . ALSO WTF WTF UR LAST PARAGRAPH IM PINING THAT MESSAGE IN MY HEAD THATS SO SWEET .... AND YEA it’s so nice to be able to talk to this kinda stuff with someone who gets it first hand, yanno?

#rezero anon #answered #IM SO SORRY IT TOOK AO LONG PLEASE FORGIVE ME

[simptasia]

lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes

jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves

kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”.  just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini

hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)

sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly

locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes

sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women

jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun

sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening

claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up

charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall

ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters

(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)

juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))

michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?

(i’m sorry)

desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot

smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha

miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]

walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him

shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)

(gee, that was dark)

richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream

frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist

boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot.  (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)

ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved

daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning

libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley

eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”

charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world

danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit

alex: just a young lady with no chill

jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley

christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die

aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents

vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog

#and as you can see this is 98% accurate #this is mostly just a summary of these people pfffttt #interjected with memes and orientation headcanons #i haven't made many jokes about sayid or sun or jin or michael #i haven't found them very dunkable #it's not like im avoiding them either #i just work with whatever joke sparks with me #anyways holy SHIT i make so many different kinds of jokes about charlie #you can tell the ones i favour making jokes about from this huh

[zigsexual]

do you have anymore of the driam bodyguard au 👀 bc my soul literally transcended the physical plane, ur writing is incredible :-)

omg lov u… 🤧💕 for you my final parting gift of the decade!! as i’ve said before this is just some disconnected plotless bullshit, the other parts are in my masterlist if anyone wants to read those too but this au exists in a void so u don’t need to in order to get the gist of it

DRIAM BODYGUARD AU - DRABBLE 3

summary: well guess what they finally kiss

word count: 2900+

• • •

That night, Liam asks him to stay behind in his hotel room, mentioning some security concerns he wants to go over. It’s a bit odd, but Drake doesn’t pay it much attention until the door shuts behind him and Liam’s composure wavers. 

“There’s bad news,” He says abruptly, turning to meet Drake’s eyes. Drake looks back in bewilderment. 

“What is it?” he says, wondering what on earth could be bad enough to involve him in this kind of private meeting. His mind starts racing, running through all the potential threats to the Cordonian monarchy he had been briefed on ahead of the assignment. No way a country that small had a long list of enemies, right?

Liam bites his lip, anxious in a way Drake hasn’t seen before, and says what is potentially the last possible thing he would have expected. “It’s… ah, I think I may have to fire you.”

“What?” 

Liam’s cheeks color, though Drake can’t tell if it’s from embarrassment or shame. “You’ve been… you should know it’s not your fault. I’ll leave you with the highest commendation.”

“You can’t fire me,” Drake says, incredulous. “I work for the federal government of the United States.”

“Well, then I suppose you could say it’s more of an arranged reassignment.”

“Hold on,” Drake crosses his arms, frowning. “What are you talking about? Is this some kind of weird joke?”

Liam sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I’m not explaining this well at all, am I? I just… I was going to have my security chief tell you, to keep it professional, but I felt like… perhaps, it should come from me.”

“I’m not concerned with who’s telling me,” Drake retorts, still looking at Liam in confusion, “I’m concerned with why this is even a discussion in the first place. I’m assigned to you because I’m good at my job, you know.”

“I know.”

“Then care to explain?”

Liam bites his lip, looking more ruffled than Drake’s ever seen him. “I should have stuck with the plan, had Bastien talk to you. I’m not good at these kinds of things.”

Drake raises an eyebrow. “What, you fire a lot of people in your big fancy kingdom?”

“Listen —“

He knows he’s toeing the line of professionalism, but something about the prospect of losing out on such an unexpectedly enjoyable assignment has his stubborn side showing through. He tries to get ahold of himself, shaking his head. “No, it’s fine. You know what, I’m sorry. I should just head out now, get the replacement detail briefed for tomorrow. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“I feel that I do.”

“It’s just business,” Drake averts his gaze, shrugs in what he hopes is a nonchalant enough gesture. “Not my place. I can respect that.”

Liam just looks at him, unreadable in that way he always is. Must be a royalty thing, a poker face trained since birth. 

“As long as it’s nothing I did,” he continues, “I know I’m a little rough around the edges, and maybe that’s not what you’re used to, being a king and all… but I understand.”

“Drake,” Liam says. 

The informality of his first name is unusual. He lifts his eyes back to Liam’s, trying to maintain a sort of dignity even in the face of his bewildered curiosity. 

“It…” Liam rakes his fingers through his hair again, and the gesture is so human, so normal, that it endears him to Drake all over again. “This is quite an odd situation for me. I’m trying to think of the right words.”

“I’m not picky.”

“Well, I am.”

“Spoken like a true king.”

This makes Liam laugh, which shortly dissolves into another pained expression. “You’re not making this easy.”

“What, firing me?” Drake raises an eyebrow. “You expect me to?”

“Of course not,” Liam smiles, though he’s wringing his hands in front of him. “I should have known better.”

He pauses, his expression fading into a frown. “I really should have known better.”

There’s a silence between them, stretching too long. Drake knows that he’s far overstayed the reasonable amount of time for a bodyguard that’s just been fired, yet something about Liam always has him reluctant to let go. And… well, he could just be imagining it, but he’s fairly certain Liam feels the same way. 

“If you must know,” Liam finally says, his voice softer than usual, “I was… concerned, so to speak, that my encounters with you were veering into something more casual than is appropriate.”

“Oh, I —“

Liam cuts him off. “Before you say anything, I want you to know the blame is with me. I knew that my feelings towards you were becoming a distraction, and it’s unfair to expect you to do your part when I can’t even manage to do mine.”

Drake just stares at him. “Your… feelings?”

Liam sighs. “Do you have to make me say it?”

“…Yes?”

Liam cracks a smile at that, though he still looks embarrassed. “I… well, I suppose I’ve found myself somewhat… infatuated with you.”

“Oh.” Drake’s mind is running a mile a minute, and still he can’t think of a single response. “That’s all?”

Liam is blushing, which is — well. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just… I mean, I don’t see how that impacts my ability to protect you.” Even as he speaks, he’s still processing, still trying to make sense of what Liam has said.

“It doesn’t,” Liam answers, meeting Drake’s eyes even with the flush spreading past his cheeks now. “It’s me, really. You’re my bodyguard, and it would be wildly inappropriate of me to ask you to continue as such when…”

He trails off, looking at Drake sheepishly. It’s the first time he’s seen Liam entirely vulnerable like this, and it only serves to make him more attractive. 

The reality is, of course, that Liam has always been attractive — has essentially redefined everything Drake had thought to be his type — and Drake still isn’t entirely sure that he’s not misreading this whole conversation. 

“When what?” He asks, tentative, hoping for an answer he hasn’t let himself dream of before. 

“Come on, Drake,” Liam says softly, taking a slow step closer to him, “I can’t pretend everything is strictly professional between us when I also can’t stop thinking about kissing you.”

Drake feels his stomach drop in the very best way, like the first hill on a rollercoaster with far too long a line. “Say that again.”

“You know I —“

He doesn’t wait, striding right into Liam’s arms and kissing the words out of his mouth. 

It’s exactly as good as he’d imagined it would be, and then some.

Their lips meet with a heady spark of long-overdue passion, Drake already cradling Liam’s face and twisting into his dark hair. He’s amazed at how soft Liam is, how smooth his skin feels beneath his hands. Perhaps he shouldn’t expect anything less from a king, but then again, he hasn’t exactly made out with any other kings. 

Liam kisses him like he’s thought about a lot more than just kissing, and soon Drake feels him slip a hand underneath his jacket and wrap his fingers around Drake’s side, pulling them flush together. Drake finds himself clinging to Liam’s hair in an embarrassingly needy way, willing him as close as possible as their lips come together over and over. 

They breathe quickly in-between long, slow kisses, both acutely aware of the rarity this moment of unscheduled time is. Liam’s hand tightens against Drake’s waist, and Drake can’t help but drop his hands to Liam’s chest, pushing him back against the door and undoing buttons before he really has a chance to think. 

Liam doesn’t move to stop him, so Drake drops a kiss against his jaw before moving to his neck, mouthing a line downwards to the same movements of his fingers as they free Liam from his shirt. 

He pushes the sleeves off Liam’s shoulders as much as he can, kissing his chest before Liam wraps a hand around the back of his neck to tug him back to his lips. It’s electric and instinctive and consuming, this feeling that shoots through his veins at Liam’s touch, and it’s as though every movement shared between them is communication enough. 

He breaks from Liam’s lips only to shrug off his jacket and start unbuttoning his own shirt. His fingers are shaking, from adrenaline or desire, and Liam meets him halfway to finish out the last few buttons and finally expose his skin. 

Liam takes a deep breath, eyes falling to Drake’s chest, and it’s the first time either have taken a moment to pause since they came together. 

“I…” Liam seems lost for words, another first; in all the time Drake has known him, he’s always been remarkably well spoken despite any circumstance. Now, with his silent admiration, Drake suddenly feels exposed. 

Exposed and… fuck, what is he doing?

He crosses his arms, averting his gaze. “Maybe we should… ah, table this? I just…”

Liam looks alarmed. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to —“

“No, no, you’re good,” Drake looks quickly back up, meeting Liam’s eyes. “Trust me, you’re more than good, Liam. It’s me, I’m… I’m not good at… talking about things.” He sighs. “Which is a stupid thing to say considering we weren’t talking, and honestly I’d like nothing more than to get back to the ‘not talking’ with you, but for the sake of our unique situation I feel like maybe we should… figure out what’s going on here before things get too messy?”

Liam nods. “You’re right, and I apologize for being hasty. I’m sure you understand… I mean, with the way schedules are, it’s so rare to catch a moment alone.” He runs a hand through his hair, sheepish. “And I like you, Drake. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I like you.”

“I like you too,” Drake can’t help but crack a smile. “You’re something else, that’s for sure.”

Liam returns the smile, so dazzling in his royal perfection that it catches Drake off-guard. His whole body is reacting to the beautiful boy in front of him, and before he knows what he’s doing, he’s swept Liam back up into his arms and proceeded in kissing him senseless. 

So much for talking, he thinks, stroking the planes of muscle down Liam’s back and tracing his lips with his tongue. All rational thought goes out the window when it comes to Liam — everything slips backwards into the instincts of want and need and lust. 

With each movement between them he can’t help but marvel at the this ridiculous scenario: that he, Drake Walker, would be caught up in a sexual tryst with a European monarch while still very nearly on the clock. It’s so unthinkably bizarre that he decides to stop thinking entirely, instead giving in to the way Liam makes him feel — equal parts whole and ravaged.

Ah, fuck it. 

“Do you still want to talk?” Liam murmurs against his lips, his hands doing things a king has no business doing. 

“God, no.” Drake whispers back. “Worst idea I’ve ever had. Table it.”

“Tabled.”

Liam undresses him with a reverent care that is unlike any other person he’s been with. It’s slow and deliberate and marked by kisses against each new plane of skin, Liam’s hands giving him goosebumps at the lightest of touches. He can feel himself becoming more and more infatuated by the second, gazing at Liam with his whole heart in his eyes, letting out a contented sigh when he finally brings their lips back together. 

They wind up tangled together in Liam’s bed, kissing each other in between whispers peppered with platitudes and spurred on by the heady rush of dopamine. Drake can’t stop smiling against Liam’s lips, stroking a path into the smooth skin of his hip. He’s gorgeous, an absolute idealization of what a man should be, and the fact that he wants Drake just as much is dizzying. 

Drake tries to take his time, but the prospect of finally getting his hands on every part of Liam is too tantalizing. They’re breathing heavy before too long, murmuring things that aren’t quite words anymore, and Drake can’t help but marvel at the absurdity of his situation: meant to protect a king, here he is taking him apart. 

Of course, Liam does his fair share too, and Drake never thought he’d be swearing so much in front of royalty, but fuck if he’s not glad he is. Liam pulls sounds out of him that he didn’t even know he had, leaving him panting and sweaty and terribly smitten. 

When at last they both fall quiet, Liam strokes his cheek, propped up above him and gazing down into his eyes. Drake manages a weak smile, voice still shaky. “You do this with all your bodyguards?”

“Only the cute ones.”

Liam leans in to kiss him again and he returns it gratefully, wrapping his arms around Liam’s waist and tracing across his skin. 

“Jesus,” he says, voice low, “I can’t believe I’m not being punked right now. You’re a fucking king.”

Liam presses a kiss against his temple, then his jaw. “And you’re a terrible bodyguard.”

“Hm, is that why you want me fired?”

Liam has moved to his neck now, teasing kisses across the sensitive skin. “You’re supposed to put the bulletproof vest on, not take it off.”

“I told you,” Drake says, “I don’t want you bulletproof.”

“But you do want me.”

“Thought that much was obvious.”

Liam pulls away from him suddenly, looking down at him with a surprising tenderness. “You should know I never do this.”

“Right,” Drake flashes him a smile. “Only with the cute ones.”

Liam shakes his head. “No, I’m serious. I’ve never done anything like this before. Sleeping with someone I barely know…” His voice is earnest, a match to the worship of his gaze. “You’re the only one, Drake.”

Drake blinks slowly, the words settling in as he tries to make sense of the meaning behind them. “You’ve… really? Never?”

“I’ve had relationships before, of course. But when you’re royalty… there’s a certain level of discretion required for this sort of thing. It’s not worth the effort.” He smiles gently. “Or at least, it hasn’t been until now.”

Drake feels his face grow hot, and the embarrassment he feels at the realization that Liam’s made him blush only serves to make him blush harder. “Oh.“

“Yes,” Liam echoes, “Oh.”

“Well,” Drake says, attempting to alleviate the sudden heaviness that has fallen over them, “That’s really a bummer for you, considering I already sold my story to The Cordonian Daily.”

Liam won’t stop looking at him, which is making the whole blushing ordeal immeasurably worse. “You’ll only say good things, I hope.”

“Maybe,” Drake answers. “Maybe bad things too.”

Liam laughs, which only spurs him on more. He leans up on his elbows, only inches away from Liam’s face. “Might tell them they’ve really been deprived of the body on that king of theirs, covering him up in all those medals and shit. That he’s absolutely mind-blowing in bed, way too good at things that have nothing to do with ruling, and he’s got a massive —“

Liam shuts him up with a kiss, slow and deep and breathtaking. He cards his fingers through Drake’s hair, twisting into the strands and tugging him closer, while Drake finds the planes of Liam’s chest and spreads his hands across the skin. He can’t help the sigh that slips from his lips when they finally part, eyelids so heavy he can barely make out the smile on Liam’s face. 

“You mean it?” Drake whispers, “Only me?”

Liam nods. “Only ever you.”

“Shit,” Drake leans his head back against the pillow, looking up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe that. I mean, I do — I believe you — but shit.”

Liam rolls onto his side, eyes still trained on Drake, their legs brushing under the sheets. “Is it so uncommon?”

“I guess not,” Drake turns to look at him too, at the unabashed affection on his face. “But it’s just… fuck, look at you. You’re literally royalty, you probably live in some palace being rich as hell all the time, and you’re Old Hollywood hot like some actual Hallmark character.” He lets his hand wander over to Liam’s hip, slowly tracing the lines of muscle up his side. “It’s a good thing you’re not one of those Europeans wearing Speedos all the time either, because I think if the world saw what’s under that suit of yours they might eat you alive.”

Liam smiles, averting his eyes for a moment, clearly unsure how to handle the flattery. “Well… thank you.”

“Honest to god, the fact that you’re single might mean there’s hope for none of us.”

Liam goes quiet, still against his side. Drake suddenly feels like maybe he’s talked too much; maybe Cordonians don’t see fucking as such an opportunity to open the floodgates of opinion amongst one another. After all, he’d technically been a member of Liam’s staff only a few hours ago. 

“Sorry,” he starts, “Am I being too blunt? I can—“

“Drake,” Liam interrupts, “There’s something you should know. Something I should have told you earlier.”

There’s an unusual tension in Liam’s words that immediately sets him ill at ease. “Okay.”

“I’m…” Liam bites his lip, finally bringing his eyes up to meet Drake’s as he says, “I’m engaged.”

#driam #drake x liam #my fic #trr fanfic #driam bodyguard au #happy NEW YEAR bitches !

[wandering-bitch]

Notes for I Have Always Loved The Door (pt 1)

I Have Always Loved The Door is the Wen Qing/Mianmian fic that all the wlw wanted but canon could not in any way make happen 

This is part one of three, i’m sorry, but it is a 30k fic and i’ve never written anything this long. it’s like. six months of my life. annotations are gonna be longer, too.

What is this fic About? Uh. Lots. Mostly your relationship with your past and your future. making choices about what you carry with you into your life.

title is from Charly Bliss’ “Percolator” but like. the rest of the fic is in no way related to the song. Just the lyrics “I have always loved the door/but I will always love you more/I love metaphors” fit well for the wen qing mood

it is a fucking CRIME that wen qing died, and while i’m happy that luo qingyang got a happy ending with a soft man who just wants to make her happy, i think she deserves more. so i gave her a fancy job

i struggled with the outline for this so much until i realized that mianmian’s canon arc is partially about saying goodbye to your home/family because you no longer fit there + it’s not a great place anymore. and that’s so close 2 wen qing’s

so that drove a great part of the plot, and helped shape the youya/tuzai bit

ch 1

the first chapter is so funny and then nothing ever approaches it, i’m so sorry i got ur hopes up with the shennans TTnTT

i hate most of my writing after it’s up but i still like this chapter. wen qing being a doctor, nmj knowing his place, mianmian cursing loudly

“If you’ve been knuckles-deep in me, you can consider yourself a friend” i spend a lot of time in this fic trying to kill wen qing with Lesbianism, but honestly that’s just to make up for mianmian killing herself with lesbianism.

this was b4 i decided to care how i ended chapters haha

ch 2

i’m proud honestly of this fic alternating perspective, bc it forced me to learn to write more distinct voices. 

“are you eating enough red meat?” “in the unclean realm?” 

if i had 2 be in a Great Sect i would 100% want to be in the big sexy sword jock sect but unfortunately i’m a vegetarian

please think of me, an average-sized gay, with noodle arms, pushing away all the giant cooks and self-appointed nie aunties, who are trying to shove meat into my mouth

like you know how cats avoid the bath??? and their people are like “jesus fuck how is this 10 lb animal defeating me, i’m huge and strong and also have thumbs”??? that, except it’s an average sized sword gay fighting ten RIPPED aunties holding out beef

i do love the mianqing dynamic i created here and i’m not sure i kept it up but WHATEVER this is about annotations not about editing

mianmian: god FUCK the jin clan, the jin clan sux. wen qing: hmmmmmmmmmm

i think mianmian’s three older sisters might show up in a future work in the series

yeah, i fell in love with this au, there will be at least one epilogue.

ch 3

oh ho ho!!! it’s the beginning of Sword Content!!!

i watched so many videos of dao work vs jian work and then i ignored all of it!!!

by that i mean “there were only like two decent-quality videos on dao work that i found on youtube and i couldn’t study them hard enough to get what i wanted”

someone trying to correct your practice with boring, irrelevant suggestions??? it’s extremely likely, it’s happened to me multiple times, i straight up stopped practicing outside bc of it

please, men, i’m begging you. if you see me doing martial arts, rather than correcting me, ask “oh cool, what are you doing? ah, i do [this art]” and like. talk with me like i’m a human

not to be A Bitch but there is a 70% chance that i’ve actually studied more marital arts than you, on account of most ppl abandoning within a few years, and me practicing aikido for more than a fucking decade

god swinging a weapon full-speed at someone and stopping inches from their head??? a Fun Time

mianmian’s doing it as a big dick energy move

but in my school we just trusted each other to not fuck up.

im too gay to want any “”””homophobia””” or “””discovering you’re gay”””” or “””coming out”””” plots, i just wanna fast forward to the “”””i wanna kiss a girl””” bit

OH MAN i forgot wwx’s voice in wen qing’s head. 

“even after his death the yiling patriarch managed to annoy her” i love wen qing

ch 4

IT’S THE MEMORIAL DINNER CHAPTER

memorial dinners are an important part of my household’s mourning process sorry

“she waved her hand to indicate the entirety of his use of demonic cultivation, fall from grace, and mass murder” mood wen qing. fucking mood.

oh my god im rereading this and seeing where i misspelled shit ugh. sorry lwj

so sometimes i’m vague about food and that’s because the only food i can think of when i’m writing is pork. i just. can’t remember what other foods u can eat. pork and also buns (but meat buns) soup? never heard of her. chicken? what is that??? piles of vegetables??? no one eats that obviously

please remember that im vegetarian and not only do i not eat pork, what i do eat is piles of vegetables

ah yes!!! time for mianmian to say prisons are for burning!!!!

our girls are both radical leftists sorry not sorry

acab, reproductive rights, prisons are for burning, capitalism is an inherently exploitative system, unionize your workplace

“tip your servers well” -- wen qing

wwx, shouting from beyond the grave: GET SOME, GIRLS!!!

wwx’s ghost: do y’all need anything? snacks? water? a condom? ah, love you kids, you keep me young

oh i forgot “for my local radical,” i should make sure to keep using ‘my radical’ as a cute endearment for the wives

ch 5

awwwww yeahhhhhhh trauma dreamsssss

writing jin guangyao is so fun!! and stressful!!!

fun because he never says anything straight, only through six layers of plausible deniability, and that’s just a fun exercise

fun also because i Love a Bitch. 

stressful because he never says anything straight, only through six layers of plausible deniability. 

the bit where he threatens to expose wen qing and mentions specifically that nmj does not like being lied to??? took me several times to perfect and im still not happy!!! 

but i’m deeply proud of him sending the flame hairpiece, that’s some a+ innocent-looking menace right there, that’s the only thing on this planet i believe in anymore

i loved making up sect politics that weren’t specifically “let’s put up watchtowers” because i don’t think that happened while jgs was still alive

uh @ self why did i capitalize da-ge that’s so uncomfortable.

oh my god i just realized that jin guangyao has to watch his ex boyfriend/nie mingjue treat mianmian the way he used to be treated oh fuck

sorry i was not at all writing 3zun cinderella when i wrote this so i wasn’t in the habit of thinking about jgy being in pain and now???

get fukt jin guangyao

he 100% cries to lxc about this later

what’s that??? you say i keep writing overthinkers who are anxious and terrified of everything??? huh i’m not sure i agree and if even if you were right i’m not sure it means anything

“grumpy frog” mianmian mvp

god the flame hairpiece is one of like two whole good endings i did for this fic haha

next time: ch 6-10!!

#mdzs #cql #mo dao zu shi #the untamed #wen qing #behind the scenes #i have always loved the door #mianmian #god i just [clenches fist] love mianmian

[euphorieds]

oh finally ur here bitch u got a dollar ?? so i can go buy some LOVE AND AFFECTION ,, open ur purse i kno u hav it !!! anywaysjkhskehjks tiktoks literally making up my entire identity aside ,, hi ! i’m mira , im 19 nd its so nice 2 meet yall !!!

♡. jung haein. cismale. he/him. — there goes ARTHUR KANG, who appears to be a TWENTY-NINE year old VAMPIRE. word is the ELEMENTARY TEACHER was born in 1991 and has been in town for A YEAR. you might know them as + SINCERE  and - RETICENT. stray paint on his cheek, smiles dipped in sunlight & gold, late nights through winding streets, polaroids of anything & everything covering walls. 

life b4 the vampire stuffz

so arthur was born to a Human single mom nd had a little sister younger by 9 years who he adored Very Much , and they lived in a small apartment above his mom’s restaurant . they weren’t like ... Totally Rich ? nd they had their struggles,, but arthur was always v content nd happie w his life bc he had his mom nd sister nd thats what rly mattered !!

he was popular in school bc of his ~good looks~ nd also bc he was just a rly friendly nd dependable person !! nd he had his Fair share of confessions from both guys nd girls but he was always like “no sorry!! im not v interested in dating” nd then he’d go home to his mom nd his little sister nd when he was done w all his schoolwork, he’d help out at the restaurant

his mama always complained abt the Swarms of fans that hogged tables at the restaurant nd it was in good nature !!! but arthur had to go convince his fans 2 buy smth so his mom wouldnt throw a towel at him

arthur graduated high school nd decided to get into teaching bc he just loved being able to see the way his sister’s eyes lit up when she understood what he was teaching !! he thought it was v sweet nd endearing :( <3 so when he wasn’t studying, he was working at his mom’s restaurant even tho she always told him to go away nd live his life JHHDJK

so . in college . while he was drinking w a few friends . he also realized he was Very Much Bisexual when he was looking at his guy friend nd was like oh thats rly nice nd then told his mom nd she jus patted his cheek nd said good job . 

anyways JHGHDK he graduated college , got that slappin degree nd got into teaching at a local but private elementary school !! so he was getting that coin !!! and this is the part where his life got turned upside down !!!

arthur met june when he was 28 . they had come 2 the restaurant and eventually, the pair struck up a friendship (mostly bc arthur was Intrigued that a vampire would eat normal food like he knew they could but he was like ... why tho ) . and june jus kept coming to the restaurant everyday . they became close, hung out after hours all the time, nd arthur was rly thinking like ... did he have feelings or is this jus a good friendship ?

anyways those feelings backfired bc the whole time arthur had known june,,, they’d been slowly exchanging their blood w his in hopes of turning arthur . why ? we dont know (it was for fun nd bc they Could)

so arthur . he turned bc eventually the magic took hold , nd june disappeared . in response , arthur locked himself up in his room nd tried to jus . undo what june did . bc he didnt want to live forever, but he didnt want to die either bc he still has friends around, and his family .

after the vampire stuffz ...

arthur was So Scared of hurting the ppl he loved , nd he tried to last as long as possible w/o feeding on animals or ppl nd isolating himself, but it just . didnt work . so arthur took himself out of his confinement, packed all his things nd left home for coeur cove . he never told his mom or his little sister , nd he feels Immense Regret for not saying anything .

a year in coeur cove meant that he took up a job teaching at the local elementary school, nd it was one of the few things that rly made him smile !! he also bought a polaroid camera , nd has a habit of just taking photos of everything that makes him happy bc hes licherlaly just terrified of living for a long time nd not being able 2 remember the small things

honestly he still hates the fact he’s a vampire but he jus doesnt think abt it .... arthur: we are Compartmentalizing laidease ... we do not See .

now hes just ?? hes jus vibing . hes still as sweet as he was back then but hes definitely a lot more ?? secretive abt a lot of things . he doesnt talk abt who he was b4 Turning :( bc hes scared to .. hes jus baby .. 

wanted connections

a frIEND .... listen these are limitless i want him to have FRIENDS but its just gonna be like ... no one knows Anything abt him before coeur cove nd he keeps it that way . but hes someone who will listen 2 ur problems and also get into the weirdest positions to take a good fuckin photo of u !!! (unLIMITED spots ....)

give him an Almost Romantic Relationship ... but they fell out bc he just never opened up JHSSJKSHJKS listen the DRAMA of that .. very sexy . (1/1 w/ katherine carter)

close friend .... this is the One Person . Or Two People . in all of coeur cove who know abt his past ... like . these are the ppl he’d consider a True Ride or Die . there’s som MAJOR trust for these ppl bc he liCHERALLY jus says nothing abt who he was (0/2)

neighbor(s) who put(s) up with arthur and the occasional loud noises that come from his apartment but no he aint smashing hes just very clumsy and has too much knockable furniture in his place 

give me like .... ppl who he Parents unintentionally . hes been taking care of his little sister his whole life,, hes an elementary school teacher .... ppl who hes gonna say “say bye bye bus” out loud to and then be Mortified for the rest of his life . but if ur ever sick he shows up w soup nd is like ‘hoW could u get sick do u not eat ur vitamins ??’

also u know what would be absolutely sexy . give me june . i actually should put a wanted connection for this but can u imagine the absolute DRAMA of arthur meeting the person who ruined his life . i think that’d b VERY sexy . anyways . im keeping this in mind 4 later jHSJHSHSKSJ

going off from the top one give me like . an enemy .... or like they jus cant fucking stand each other for some reason nd its like .. arthur when he sees them: oh :) . hello :). would u like 2 be dropkicked :) ?

anyways gOD ok my brain tiny but like.... lms if u wanna plot... u better lms or i’ll aggressively renegade on dash...

#coeurintro #no one: #me: RENEGADE RENEGADE DOOHWAP HAH HAH #its almost 3am but i felt the Urge to check my laptop nd whEW glad i did that ... coeurcove soft open babey !!!

[jungshookz]

Hiya!!! I was wondering if maybe you could write a Christmas drabble with Yoongi where you’re meeting his parents for the first time and you’re like super super nervous and he finds it cute?? I just really love soft Yoongi! If not, that’s okay. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday!!

🎄 pairing: min yoongi x reader

🎄 genre: boyfriend!yoongi, very vERY soft hours aka the fluffiest fluff, yoongi thinks ur cute when ur nervous but also dang girl u real sweaty 

🎄 wordcount: 1.6k 

🎄 notes: here’s a HEAPING serving of soft yoongi for everyone!!!! thANK U for the (almost) birthday wish :~))

(gif isn’t mine!)

you don’t think you’ve ever been so nervous in your entire life before

your hands are SO clammy and your ass is definitely sweating right now

yoongi walks into the bedroom from the bathroom to see you staring blankly at the wall and he squints to see a bead of sweat roll down the side of your forehead

he turns and looks at the thermostat

it’s not like it’s BOILing in here so he doesn’t know why you’re sweating

“y/n? …you okay?” he approaches the bed cautiously and moves your packed duffle bag out of the way “you’re… you’re a little… moist”

“i can’t do this” you whip your head around and look at yoongi with wide eyes and yoongi’s like can’t do what can’t function like a normal human being

the two of you are all packed and ready to go to the airport

your flight leaves in a couple of hours and you and yoongi are supposed to leave for the airport in like an hour

so yoongi’s been scurrying around the apartment making sure things are unplugged and the stove isn’t on and the windows are locked securely and everything is nice and clean before the two of you leave for like a month

you’re spending the holidays with yoongi and his family for the first time ever

you two have been together for about two years? last year he spent christmas with you and your family which was really sweet of him

even though you said he didn’t have to he said he wanted to

and he ended up having a lot of fun!!!

your parents both loVe him

your mom might love him more than you do because she kept feeding him instead of yOU

your cousin thinks he’s hot so you’re going to keep an eye on her so that she doesn’t sink her claws into him

anyways

yoongi said he was down to spend it with you and your family again this year but you were very adamant that you wanted to spend it with him and his family

you were sO adamant on it that right after you said that you sat down and ordered plane tickets to daegu

but that was like four months ago

and four months have passed

and now it’s december 17th

and you’re about to get on a flight to daegu

and you’re going to meet yoongi’s entire family

but more importantly

you’re going to meet yoongi’s parents for the first time

god

you can barely speak korean

all you can say is hello, yes, no, how are you, thank you, this is an apple, that is a man, where is the washroom, i love you

and that’s not going to help continue a conversation 

not to mention your pronunciation is horrific

sure you’re really excited because you’re going to be in daegu for the first time and you’re excited for yoongi to take you around the city

he’ll hold your hand as you stroll through a park

he’ll feed you plenTy of street food

and you definitely have to hook yourself up with korean skincare because you want to have the skin of an angel toO

“can’t do what? get on a plane?” yoongi furrows his brows as he fiddles with a loose thread from the pillow case “i already told you it’s highly unlikely that when you open the overhead compartment there’s going to be a family of snakes waiting for y-“

“what if they don’t like me?” yoongi’s head shoots up at your quiet question

he blinks once

oh

ohh

“oh, jagi.” yoongi’s heart clenches because how could you think that his parents aren’T going to like you????

god

you’re perfect and yoongi loves everything about you

it’d take him forever to list out what he loves about you but he’d be willing to do it even tho he’s a busy man who has places to go to and people to sEe

“c’mere, baby.” yoongi sits against the headboard and tugs on your arm gently

you let out a sigh and get up on your knees and waddle towards him and yoongi grabs you and pulls you down so that you’re sitting on his lap “has this been bothering you all morning? you’re still in your pyjamas.” he teases and pulls at his t-shirt you have on

his smile falters when he notices the little frown on your face and the divot in between your eyebrows

that face is strictly reserved for when you’re in deep, worrying thought

“what’s on your mind, angel?” yoongi hums and cups the side of your jaw

his eyes flicker over your features and he leans in to press a kiss to the corner of your mouth in an attempt to get you to respond

“i just-“ you sigh and your gaze lowers quickly as you grasp yoongi’s other hand and start playing with his fingers “i’ve never done this before, you know? the whole ‘meet the parents’ thing. i’ve never been in a long term relationship and i feel like i’m going to mess it all up and t-they’re not going to like me and then i’ll have to break up with you because obviously you don’t wanna date someone your parents don’t approve of!”

“y/n-“  

“i don’t wanna disappoint them like i don’t want them to think oH this is the girl you’re dating??? u can do better!!!!!! thank u next!!!!!-“

“y/n-“

“oH god what if they think you’ve wasted two years of your life with me that’d be awful!!!!” you cry out and bury your face into your palms before leaning against yoongi’s chest

yoongi rubs comforting circles on your back and presses a kiss to the top of your head and lets you have your moment

a moment of silence goes by

“i’m scared.” your voice is muffled

yoongi can’t help but let a small smile twitch at the corner of his mouth

“i know you are. but there’s nothing to be scared of, i promise. i know exactly how you feel. i practically pissed my pants when i met your dad.”

you snort at the memory of how stiff and robotic yoongi was when you introduced him to your dad (“good evening, sir. i’m yoongi - uh, min yoongi… sir.”)

yoongi pulls you away from his chest and cups your cheeks

he coos when he notices your eyes glazing over a little bit so he leans forward to plant a kiss on your nose

“there’s absolutely nothing to be worried about. you are the sweetest and kindest and moSt polite person i know. you’re well spoken and charming and even though your jokes are awful you’re still funny in a lame but endearing kind of way!! not to mention you’re the prettiest girl i’ve ever laid my eyes upon.”

“yoongi-“

“and i know my parents are going to like you because you make me so damn happy everyday and i constantly talk to them about how great you are so they already have a really good impression of you!! you don’t even realise how much you’ve changed my life, y/n y/l/n. you are absolutely perfect and you’re the one for me.”

o

o my

that’s so cute

you feel a little lump in your throat from how overwhelmed you’re feeling but you swallow it quickly because u r noT about to start crying right now that would be lame

“now, you okay?” yoongi grips the back of your arms and gives you a pointed look and you nod slowly “good girl” he smiles fondly before pursing his lips for a kiss

you lean forward and give him a tiny kiss before pulling away

yoongi narrows his eyes at you

“why are u looking at me like that” you squint your eyes right back and poke his chest

“…eh, maybe you’re right. i don’t think they’re going to like you.” yoongi sighs and the blood drains from your face

o god

o fuCK

WHAT DO U DO NOW  

WHY WON’T THEY LIKE U

okay okay

maybe you can like

bring them gifts??? what would they like???

or u can change your name and move out of the country

you swallow thickly “w-well, what do you suggest -“

“they’re going to love you.”

you let out a sigh of relief and pinch yoongi’s nose playfully and he laughs lightly before swatting your hand away

“and you know how i know they’re going to love you?”

“how?” you hum as yoongi leans in and rubs his nose against yours before pulling away

you wrap your arms around his neck loosely and he squeezes your hips before his arms slink around your waist and he pulls you closer

“because i love you.” you can’t help but smile widely at how cheesy he’s being

if you told the boys about yoongi’s little speech they’d go crAZy and yoongi’d never hear the end of it and he’d probably slaughter you

but you’ll keep it to yourself

“i love you” you press your forehead against yoongi’s and he gives you another gentle little peck

your heart overflows with love for min yoongi

you’re so lucky that you get to spend your days with someone as amazing as him

yoongi sighs as you pull away from him and he smacks the side of your bare thigh and you jolt in surprise

“now, go and get ready. as much as i love you i refuse to go to the airport with someone who’s not even wearing pants.”  

🎄the twelve drabbles of christmas! 🎄

❄️do you have a special christmas request? ❄️

#christmas 2k18 #min yoongi #min yoongi fics #yoongi #yoongi fics #yoongi fluff #yoongi cute #yoongi smut #bts #bts fics #bts fic recs #bts fluff #bts cute #bts fluff recs #bts soft #yoongi soft #yoongi fic recs #bts smut recs #min yoongi fic recs #fluff

[ofdasoms]

     ┅ ☆ ★ ✮ ∟ ‖ park sooyoung (joy). 22. cisfemale. she/her. ‖ — ripped black tights, poker face permantely on show, always playing with fire. 」did you hear that JANG ‘DAISY’ DA-SOM is planning on attending the next race ?! i won’t lie, i’m pretty excited to see their MIDNIGHT PURPLE 2014 CHEVROLET CAMARO SS in person. i know people say they’re really COMPETITIVE, HARD-WORKING & ENDEARING, but don’t you think they come off way too IMPULSIVE , SINGLE-MINDED & HOT-HEADED ? i hear they’re always blasting THROW A FIT by TINASHE ? oh well, they’re a member of the HELLCATS so i guess i shouldn’t complain.

ok so,,,, dasom is the perfect example of not judging a book by its cover,, bc she looks sweet as hell and can sometimes look innocent, but shes far from it sdkfgjh

her family life was pretty great growing up. both of her parents were teachers and her older brother and sister were pretty much the angels of the family,, and dasom was always looked down upon. she wasn’t as smart as them, and she certainly wasn’t as friendly as them either.

her parents knew she was a problem ever since she was younger --- she was five years old when she had been sent home four times in one week for hitting someone or for losing her temper, and it ultimately resulted in her having to transfer schools.. something that happened all the way up into high school

she was fifteen when she was expelled from her fourth high school, and having attended and been kicked out of all the nearby schools, dasom was sent off to boarding school. her parents were truly hoping that it would straighten her out and that she’d stop being a brat,,, but it truly didn’t work. the only reason she hadn’t been kicked out was the fact her parents were paying a whoooole lot of money to keep her there.

nevertheless, she graduated early at seventeen and left with a diploma and a boyfriend. he was the one to show her this whole new life,, and the one who introduced her to drugs and using sex to get whatever the hell she wanted. he didn’t stick around for long considering dasom was trash and cheated on him once she realised she was also hella into girls. though he didn’t know that at the time -- the only reason he split up with her was because he caught her talking to some guy on a sugar daddy website,,,,, bc yes dasom is tHAT type of girl

she loves luxury, she loves money,,, and she’s always needed someone to help and supply that for her. (wc??? maybe idk)

it wasn’t until that she was introduced and discovered more about the hellcats that she started becoming more independent. she started realising how powerful she could be --- and not through just using her body. she started using her brain more, started being more strategic.. and started loving being deceptive eVEN MORE

oKAY SO she’s now a drug dealer and dancer for the hellcats bc she still likes that thrill of having all the eyes on her but she ultimately likes doing business more than anything

on top of being a dealer,, and a decent one at that, she’s a pretty good pickpocket!! so like,,,, pls watch ur wallet, phone and watches around her,, bc she has no morals

speaking of having no morals,, she’s v competitive and loves the rivalry between gangs, but like get a good few drinks in her and sHE will open up to anybody!! she’s prob slept with a few kings members on few occasions, but u bet ur ass she’s most likely going to ignore them or really not remember who they are

massive flirt,,, which i mentioned all ready. she will 100% drop a cringy ‘is that right, oppa?’ to get what she wants as usual ASDJFHHJDS

only rlly cares about herself unless ur on her good side

will fight ANYBOD Y even tho shes only 120lbs,, like if ur 6′4′’ and been boxing for years??? shes still ready to throw hands

if something happens to her car??? you know she’s just going to beg somebody to help her fix it

but ultimately shes just got a big heart for those she loves and cares about bc she needs that human interaction considering how many people shes fucked over in the past asdkfgjhedf

for being a bAD BITCH,,, shes hella emotional so ya good luck with that

smol wanted connections suggestions??:

people she can tolerate?? so like people from hellcats who shes like ‘uh ur cool ig’

give me that good friend(s) of hers?? she prob considers them a best friend bc she aint got much and no fam to love except for the gang so,,, ya

she hates a whole lot of people too so that could either be from the hellcats or kings idk

ur typical fwb plot,, and again,,,, no morals daisy over here will sleep with anybody from hellcats or even kings,,

she’s a dancer so??? has she caught ur muses eye before and we can bounce from that??

anybody she deals to

has she gotten in trouble with ur muse before?? has she pickpocketed them and gotten caught??

she hates a lot of people, but surely people hate her guts too so give me that relationship!!!

idk,,,, i’ll prob make a better wc page in the future but thats all i can think of for now!!! pls feel free to message me and im v excited to write with yall 💖

#tempointro #I'LL BE YOUR EVERYTHING ( MUSINGS !! )

[gyeommine]

How They Kiss You (EXO)

“ 'Got7 how they kiss' but for exo pretty please”

(gif credits to the original owners)

Suho: Gentle, gentleman Kim Junmyeon will be a passionate kisser. He will always tenderly grab your face and caress your face gently. He would linger for a while, then release. He'd look dead at you with his warm, round eyes just after. You'd giggle, quickly avoiding his eyes. “What?” you'd ask. He'd just shrug and utter something utterly greasy like “Just looking at you” causing you to blush and swat him away playfully. His dad jokes even transcend romance – the man's incredible.

(he is such a cute prince type okay)

Xiumin: He's definitely a little playful, through that shy persona of his. He would plant a few pecks on both cheeks before going in for your lips. You'd be smiling like an idiot through the kiss, your arms slung lazily around his neck as you let the feeling whisk you away. You'd stay in the position for a lil' longer, even after the kiss had finished. Neither of you could stop smiling, it would be super pure okay trust me. I also think this could go down a different route but that's for another day guys.

(he is so sweet wtaf)

Luhan: He's another romantic guy, trust. He would definitely be tender and passionate with you. Like Suho, he would hold your face in his hand before leaning in. Your first kiss would have been nothing short of magical with this guy. He has so much charisma, but is still gentle with you. However, like Xiumin I also think (if you let him ofc) the kiss could go multiple ways because I genuinely believ he's a lil' cheeky. He's definitely one of the best kissers tho d a m n.

(he’s so soft it’s unreal wow)

Kris: I think he'd kiss you a lot, but it often be sweet and unexpected. I very much think he has his heart on his sleeve, so he would often tell you how much he loves and cares for you and that means giving you pecks here and there. I also think he'd love to hold your hands when you guys kiss. It would be magical, but in a very Kris way: unstated but true. This sounds cheesy as hell but lol guys b a r e with me. He would just love to give you lil' bits of affection, which always makes you giddy and happy and aghh what a cutie.

(his eyes are fucking twinkling have i died and gone to heaven jfc)

Lay: Him and Kris are similar, for sure. He would also love to give you random and cute spots of affection to catch you off guard. He loves when you get all bashful and shy when he surprises you – always batting him away with a “Don't be silly Yixing, ya dummy”. I think he would get more excitable though, like a small puppy. Whenever he gets really happy to see you, he'll just pick you up in his arms with ease and spin you around. He's just v in love and v pure okay let him pls.

(omg what this is i miss lay): )

Baekhyun: You all know he's a lil' demon okay. There aren't a lot of places where Baek won't kiss you. He'll leave trails up your neck, arms, thighs;) and other places. He's cheeky, more cheeky than Luhan, and loves to make you unravel as well as making you happy. He's passionate on the lips though, he'll grab the back of your head – so much so you can feel the heat radiating off of the two of you. He'll leave you breathless, for sure. If he's being really steamy (yes more so than usual) he'll tug at your lip a little and ask for entrance so you guys can take it further. It will often end that way w him tbh.

(i will phone ur mother jfc)

Chen: Sweetie Jongdae is just overwhelmed and excited to see you, especially w his Exo boy schedule always having him tied down. So, you better believe his kisses are meaningful. No matter how long they last, they leave an impact on you and your lips will feel their most emptiest just after a kiss has ended. He is also a tad playful (like his hyung minseok) and will tease you, missing you lips differently just to poke fun. You will whine, pout and he'll give in. He'll love to kiss you when cuddling too, having a precious human laying in his arms just makes him want to kiss you even more.

(chen stans how r u still alive look at this thot)

Chanyeol: This big goof will love to kiss your forehead just to remind you that he's a mutant giant, but is still full of love. You'll protest jokingly, and then he'll just carry you away just to remind you (again) he's just one big fluff giant full of love. He'll also love to kiss the back of your neck, he'll come behind you and quickly encompass you in his long arms and bury his head in the nape of your neck. He'll mumble something with a low, morning voice before kissing your nape. You'll spin around in his arms, just to finish the job on his lips. He's just gentle and needy, so I think he could be a mix of cute to pure filth (passion we'll call it).

(this hair, his red hair and his silver are all killers for me wow. pouty soft cutie)

D.O: Soo is definitely a sincere kisser, like Jongdae, you can feel everything w just one kiss and your lips will feel more barren once you guys have parted. However, I don't think he kisses you often. He's not a big PDA lover, so kisses with him mean that much more. I can just imagine him getting this big dreamy moments where you do something really cute, and he's just star struck like “Wow, (Y/N) is so great” in his head. He'll let off that heart shaped smile and kiss you. You'll ask why with a shy giggle, and he'll just beam and mumble that he loves you. I also think he's an amazing kisser, probably one of the most gentle of all the boys.

(LOOK AT HIM !!!)

Tao: I think he's one of the most needy. He'll playfully whine, and call out that he wants a kiss to give off a cute facade. But then, he'd grab you into his arms and tickle you until your jaw aches from squealing and laughing. Then, he'll just kiss all over your neck and cheek because he cannot get over how cute you are when you smile, laugh or do anything really. Like Baek and Luhan tho, he can be a lil' bit steamy and sometimes gets carried away when kissing you. He'll pull you in by your waist and boiiii you won't be wanting to part for a while w him wowee lord pour holy water on my impure soul.

(i saw some of his instagram and i am deceased honestly - model)

Kai: He's got a sweet, playful nature to his kisses. Like Yeol, he's also a tol and will love to tease you by kissing your forehead but not as teasingly as the floppy giant himself. He would love to hold your waist when you guys kiss, but his hands would slowly wander up to your shoulders and tenderly twirl the hair on the back of your head. He would giggle a lot after the kiss, the both of you flustered and bashful like it was your first kiss every time, but it's super endearing. Sometimes, he'll be incredibly passionate bc the dancer side of him (it's a trend trust) and take you by surprise. But for the most part, he's too sweet to handle.

(i feel like we need some cute kai bc he’s been sin lately, and he REALLY reminds me of taemin here)

Sehun: Like Soo, he wouldn't kiss you all the time but he would make it special when you did. He would grab both sides of your face, carefully ofc, and take you completely by surprise when your lips collide. He would very rarely give you random pecks, only to say goodbye or greet you, but he'll always kiss you full out. He'd probably hoist you up, and kiss you there. You would always be left breathless and, like a few other members of filth in this supergroup, it would often escalate v quickly especially when he picks you up and whisks you away to the bedroom. Yes, pure pure filth oh sehun.

(all he has to do is open his eyes and we’re all weak - such power)

#exo #exo-k #exo-m #exo reactions #exo imagines #exo fluff #suho #junmyeon #kim junmyeon #xiumin #minseok #kim minseok #luhan #lu han #kris #yifan #wu yifan #lay #yixing #zhang yixing #baekhyun #byun baekhyun #chen #jongdae #kim jongdae #chanyeol #park chanyeol #d.o #kyungsoo #do kyungsoo

[littlespoonevan]

U TAGGED THAT PIC OF TARJEI AND HENRIK AS MODEL AU AND NOW I NEED U TO WRITE IT PLS ALSO I LOVE ALL UR WRITING THANK

anon said:You can’t just put something like model au in my head and NOT write it!!!!

anon said:EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AUEVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU EVAK MODEL AU!!!!!!!! 👀👀👀👀👀👀

skajdfshjsdfh the picture everyone is referring to is this one. lmao please enjoy some unresolved sexual tension in the name of advertising jeans ;)

*

Isak shows up to his shoot with two minutes to spareand Eskild blustering along half a step behind him, insisting it’s fine, we’re not late, Isak. Ingeneral, with life, Isak can admit he’s not the most punctual person – he likeshis bed far too much – but when it comes to work he likes to be on time. He doesn’twant to fall into that awful stereotype of the bitchy model who makes everyonewait on him or gives unreasonable demands.

He’s chill.That’s why he gets hired – besides his appearance – people like working withhim because he isn’t fussy and generally makes life easier for everyone on setby being that way. It helps that Eskild only ever gets him gigs that Isak is100% comfortable shooting and that Eskild is always willing to step in and bethe bad guy on set whenever anything inappropriate happens. He’ll pull Isak fromshoots without so much as a backward glance at the awful director orphotographer or campaign manager when something happens to make himuncomfortable.

See, Isak appreciates Eskild, he does, he just doesn’t appreciate the factthat Eskild made them get on the wrong tram today and now Isak is sweatingthrough his t-shirt and showing up to set with a flushed face.

The photographer and another boy are the only peoplein the room when Isak and Eskild crash through the door and they both look upfrom the camera in shock at Isak’s admittedly loud entrance.

Isak grinds to a halt, huffing out a breath, andattempting to cross the room at a more sedate pace. “Halla, Mikael,” he greetsin a rush, extending his hand to the photographer. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”He’s worked with Mikael before so he knows he probably doesn’t care but hestill feels bad.

Mikael waves a hand before hopping out of his chairto shake Isak’s. “It’s cool, man. You’re like, one minute late.”

“That’s my fault,” Eskild says, stepping neatly aroundIsak to clasp Mikael’s hand. “Got on the wrong tram.”

Mikael laughs. “You’d think we’d figure it outeventually after living in Oslo all our lives, huh? But you’re good, don’tworry. We’ve got plenty of time before we need to start so I’ll get one of thehandlers to show you to your dressing room and send hair and makeup in afteryou’ve showered.”

Well, good to know the sweat stains have officiallyseeped through his shirt now.

Isak winces but nods. “Thank you.”

Mikael offers him a good-natured grin before his eyessuddenly widen as if he’s just remembered something. “Oh shit, sorry. Isak,meet your partner for the day.” Mikael whirls around, gesturing to the boybehind him. “This is Even.”

Isak had been so distracted by making sure Mikaelwasn’t angry at him he hadn’t even bothered to take in the other person in theroom. But fuck, he wishes he had.

The boy’s fucking stunning. Taller than Isak, thoughnot by much, with swooping blonde hair and bright blue eyes and the dreamiest smile Isak has possibly everbeen on the receiving end of. He’s so busy drinking in Even’s appearance ittakes a second for Mikael’s words to register.

Partner?!

Isak knew this was a partner shoot. However Eskildnever specified it was a male/malepartner shoot. It’s not like Isak’s averse to the idea – that’s kind of theopposite of the problem – but he’s just become so used to a partner shootmeaning having some leggy girl draped over him while he pretends to think she’sthe sexiest human being alive.

He’s pretty sure he’s just laid eyes on the sexiesthuman being alive. And he’s definitely not a girl.

God, he’s so fucked.

Even steps forward, darting around Mikael andoffering him a hand. “Halla! Isak, right?”

Isak takes his hand, repressing the squeak he almostlets out as Even’s hand presses against his palm, and nods his head. “Yeah,nice to meet you.”

“I better let you two get ready,” Mikael says, makingIsak jump and abruptly drop Even’s hand.

Isak is ushered into a dressing room and as soon asthe door is closed behind them, he rounds on Eskild. “You didn’t tell me mypartner would be male!”

Eskild gives him an unimpressed look, crossing hisarms over his chest. “Isak, you’re gay. What do you care?”

“Exactly!” he screeches shrilly, throwing his handsup in exasperation.

Eskild’s expression turns appraising as a calculatingsmile slowly spreads across his face. “Wait, are you attracted to him?”

Isak lets out a noise somewhere between indignationand agreement, gesturing wildly at the door. “You saw him! What do you think?!”

Eskild is positively beaming now as he tilts hishead. “Oh, Isak.”

“Shut up. This isn’t helping. You could’ve at least warned me.” He slumps down in the chairin front of the vanity, propping his elbows on his knees and burying his facein his hands.

“Oh relax, would you?” Eskild tuts. “You’re aprofessional, Isak. You can last one shoot before jumping the boy’s bones. Justask him out for a drink after you’re done.”

Isak makes a noise akin to that of a dying cat,ignoring the unsympathetic pat Eskild gives his shoulder.

“Go shower, baby gay,” Eskild tells him. “I’ll cometo collect you when hair and makeup are done.”

With that, Eskild slips out the door again, leavingIsak to have his existential crisis in peace.

*

Just over an hour later Isak is being led back on setwith freshly fluffed curls and concealer covering his blemishes, feelinggoosebumps erupt across his torso from the chill in the room. They’readvertising jeans so naturally they’resupposed to be shirtless. Isak had considered the fact inconsequential until herealised Even would also beshirtless.

Even is already chatting with Mikael when Isakarrives, and his knees almost give out when he takes in the expanse of Even’ssmooth chest, dotted with moles and lightly defined. The fact that his jeanslook like they’re painted on doesn’t help either.

He’s not going to survive this shoot.

Mikael looks up as he approaches, giving him a thumb’sup. “You look great, dude! Come over here; I was just giving Even a rundown ofthe shoot.”

Isak takes a few tentative steps closer, leaving agenerous amount of space between himself and Even – though he can still feelthe heat coming off Even’s body.

“So, we’re gonna keep it pretty simple,” Mikael tellsthem. “We want it to be sensual, sexy, but also intimate, you know? Sex sellsand everything but we can definitely add a little meaning to it.”

Isak nods, swallowing hard at Even’s enthusiastic, “Sure.”

“Okay, so we’ll do standing shots for now. If there’sanything you’re not comfortable with just shout out but other than that, dowhat feels natural.”

Mikael directs them to their marks and they have afew minutes while the camera is being set up where they’re just standing acrossfrom one another, only half a metre apart, and Isak can feel his heart ratepicking up under Even’s curious gaze.

“I’ve seen some of your work before,” Even says aftera beat of silence that they both spend rocking on their heels, startling Isakand making his eyes go wide. “You’re really talented.”

“Thanks,” Isak replies, dumbfounded. “I- I haven’tseen you around much.” Because he would definitely remember that face.

Even offers him an amused grin, huffing out a littlelaugh. “I’ve actually been studying in America for the past year so I starteddoing work over there to help with rent money. I haven’t been back in Oslo longand Mikael’s a friend so he hooked me up with this gig.”

“That was nice of him,” Isak says timidly, feelinghis cheeks heat when Even’s smile brightens.

“Mm,” he hums in agreement, eyes sparkling like Isak’sawkwardness is endlessly endearing.

Isak scrambles for something to say but Mikael callsthem to attention before he can come up with anything.

“Okay, let’s start it off simple,” he says. “Even,could you put your hands on Isak’s waist? Like you’re pulling him in? Isak,could you put your right hand on Even’s neck? Put your left wherever feelscomfortable, it won’t be in shot anyway. Just stand a little bit closer for meguys and we’re good to go.”

They move automatically and Isak tries to put himselfin his professional, detached frame of mind but as soon as Even’s hands fit tohis waist he feels his mouth go dry. He dutifully puts his right hand over Even’sneck, feeling his pulse point flutter under his palm and places his left onEven’s shoulder, figuring that’s the safest option. They’re close enough nowthat their chests are almost touching and Isak can feel the phantom brush ofEven’s stomach against his own every time he breathes.

“Great!” Mikael calls but Isak can’t look away fromEven long enough to look at him. “Alright, relax your stances a bit and lookinto each other’s eyes. Remember we’re going for sensual but intimate!”

Wetting his lips, Isak lifts his gaze from Even’scollarbones to Even’s eyes and feels his breath catch in his throat. Even’seyes are smouldering and Isak is pretty sure the way his own mouth parts at thesight isn’t on purpose. He doesn’t realise he’s leaning forward until a straystrand of hair that’s come loose from Even’s quiff brushes against hisforehead. He freezes at the touch and, through hooded eyes, just about catchesthe way Even’s lips twitch.

“That looks awesome, guys!” Mikael calls and Isakfinally becomes aware of the clicking of the camera once again. Honestly, hehadn’t heard it over the blood rushing in his ears.

“Alright, Even could you move forward? Maybe put aleg between Isak’s? Isak, could you widen your stance a little?”

Isak obediently moves his feet to standshoulder-width apart and tries not to burst into flames when Even’s leg slowlypresses between his own, thigh just barely brushing Isak’s crotch. Isak bitesthe inside of his cheek to stop himself from reacting.

“Sick,” Mikael declares once they hold the positionand Isak tries desperately to focus on the sound of camera clicking. “Can youlean in again like you were before? Even, maybe move your hand to cup Isak’scheek? Like you’re about to kiss.”

Jesus fucking christ is Mikael trying to kill Isak?!

“Isak, feel free to move your hands too; whateverfeels right!”

Isak barely hears Mikael’s words over Even’s fingersslowly trailing across his jaw, palm fitting to Isak’s jaw as their foreheadsconnect. Isak’s throat bobs and he moves his hands, sliding his fingers intoEven’s hair, and he can’t tell if the shaky intake of breath he hears from Evenis real or imagined.

Their noses brush and their lips part and fuck, Isak knows they’re not going to kiss but itsure as hell feels like it.

It’s agony –to remain still, not to close the distance. His mouth is like sandpaper and hisfingers keep tightening in Even’s hair. Jesus christ, what does this even haveto do with selling jeans?

The rest of the shoot passes by in much the samefashion and when Mikael moves to stand next to them, instructing Even to crowdIsak against the white wall behind them so they’re pressed flush together, Isakvery nearly passes out. Or gets a boner. It’s a tossup between the two, really.

They don’t talk while they shoot – honestly, Isakdoesn’t think he can speak now anyway – and he spends the entire timeperfecting the art of looking at Even without really looking at him. He doeswonder idly though, if Even is naturally this warm or if his skin is justflushed from the shoot. And that’s athought he probably shouldn’t entertain.

It’s almost the end of the shoot. Isak is stillpressed against the wall, one leg hitched over Even’s waist, their hipsperfectly aligned with Even’s hands in his hair and on his waist. His own handsare still buried in Even’s hair and their lips are so close Isak is secondsaway from saying fuck it and kissinghim like he’s been dying to all afternoon.

Even inhales a ragged breath and Isak feels his heartthump heavily in his chest at the thought that this is having the same effecton Even as it is on him.

Their eyes flicker to each other and his breathcatches in a tiny gasp when he sees the way Even’s bright blue eyes have beenalmost swallowed up by his dilated pupils. His gaze flicks down to Even’s mouthand in the same moment he notices Even’s eyes doing the same. Fuck, they’regoing to kiss. They can just say it was part of the shoot.

They’re going to kiss. They’re going to-

“And that’s a wrap!” Mikael exclaims, making themboth jump so hard their foreheads bump. “Shit, we got so much good material.You guys have insane chemistry.”

Mikael trails away from them when he doesn’t get aresponse, turning instead to his assistant photographer to examine the photoson the camera.

Isak’s leg had dropped from Even’s hip when Mikaelspoke but their hands are still twisted up in each other and when they slowlylook back to each other Isak has to remind himself to breathe.

He opens his mouth to say something but Even beatshim to it.

“Go for a drink with me later?” he asks in a rush,eyes wide like he didn’t expect himself to say that.

A disbelieving laugh is punched out of Isak’s chestand he nods, uttering a breathless, “Yeah.”

Even grins, shoulders slumping in relief and lookingendearingly awkward as he glances off to the side. “We should probably um- getchanged or-“

Isak doesn’t let him finish his sentence, using thehands still in Even’s hair to reel him in and crush their mouths together.After a moment’s surprise, Even responds enthusiastically, pressing Isak morefirmly back against the wall and squeezing his hips. Isak feels like all hisnerve-endings are on fire and it’s only the knowledge that they’re not alone inthe room that makes him rip his mouth away from Even’s after a searing moment.

“I couldn’t have waited ‘til tonight to do that,”Isak admits with a huff.

Even had been staring at him from the moment theyseparated but the incredulous smile that spreads onto his face at Isak’s wordsis something else.

They look at each other for a moment, grinningstupidly, and this is the last thing Isak expected to happen when he showed upfor the shoot today.

They’re brought back to reality with two peoplepointedly clearing their throats. Their heads snap to the side at the same timeand Isak finds Eskild and Mikael watching them with a mixture of incredulityand amusement.

After a beat of silence, Mikael turns to Even. “Iasked you to do this shoot to get you a job, not a date.”

Even pauses before looking back to Isak with playfulgrin. When his gaze returns to Mikael he sniffs. “Please, Mikael. I got that myself.”

(He ends up getting more than just a date.)

*

#evak #isak valtersen #even bech næsheim #skam #my fics #nahidontknowman #asks

[kasunex]

Yesterday me and @heiligelanze were bored so I made this trash complaining about P4. Don’t read if you like P4. Unless you are very chill about people hating on it. 

we talk about why p4 is not good. 

#1 - Boring characters

Yosuke: Wah wah small town is borin (why doesn't he just plan to move when he's older), also homophobic in way that suggests writers thought we were too. neck is too long. Also not closeted >:/

Yu Narukami: Stupid name, stupid design, stupid fuckin face, I hate him, no character arc or character at all, Gary Stu. Boring peice of shit. Also. Not GAY Enough >:/

Yukiko: Boring. Thinks she's trapped into being innkeeper when not at all. Never tells parents she doesn't want to or makes any attempt to change anything. Only other character trait is laughs (annoying)

Chie: Guyz I like kung fu n meat isnt that quirky, (bc apparently women don't like meat?????) also not gay or trans >:/

Kanji: Almost good. But misleads to think he is good representative media pushing artistic gay man strugling against stereotypes that gays rnt tough. Actually about gender roles but not well explored. Hinted to be bi at best. Atlus u fuckin cowards let me be gay for once >>>>>>>>>://////////////////

Rise: 2 kawaii. Gets annoying. Unwarranted, undeserved crush on main character you cant say no to. (But unlike p3 game doesn't make u with her but we will get to THAT LATER FUCKING P4G)

Naoto: Too good for game. Shoulda been trans tho. 

Teddie: Remove or kill. Annoying af. Tries to steal ur girl. Major mysognist (game is like lol) 

Mitsuo: Insulting to ugly people and to gamer fanbase

Moorako: Insulting to ugly people. Hahah who cares hes dead he was uggo lol

Hanako: Fat ppl r gross rite guys lollolollolllollolololollollololl haha she thinks she's atrratcievew lolololo fat pppl thinkin their hot lololololololo

Kashiwagi: She's old but busted except she looks 30 and treated as gross icky old woman when real teens would be like "I wanna bang dat shit on de desk"

Dojima: Ok I guess

Nanako: Emotional manipulation. doesn't die. unrealistically precious and mature. 

Adachi: Presents as awkward relatable BUT NO ACTUALLY EVIL OVER THE TOP EVIL MUHAHAHA because he couldn't just be a cool guy with a darker side, had to be ANIME CRAZY EVIL DID IT FOR THE LULZ

Namatame: Not built up enough, comes fuckiin out of nowhere

Izanami: Comes even more da faq outta nowhere (GUYS THAT GAS STATION ATTENDENT SHAKING YOUR HAND OBVS EQUALS EVIL OR PLOT SIGNIFICANT LOL) also rips off Nyx and does it shitty

Ameno-Sagiri: Comes even MORE da faq outtta nowhere and vanishes da faq outta nowhere, also irrelevant to plot and meaningless distraction

Margret: Boring af, no personality at all, Elizabeth was more fun 

Saki: Underdeveloped bitch, supposed to be so sad when dies despite not being shown for anythin but bitch also supposed to feel bad for yosuke when she dies even tho she hated him and he would have been rejected anyway seriously wtf

Marie: COMPLETELY IRREDEMABLE GARBAGE FIRE OF PANDERING TRASH. SHOEHORNED INTO PLOT WHEN COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS AND IRRELEVANT. GAME FORCES HER AS LOVE INTEREST WHEN SHE SOMEHOW MANAGES TO STEAL WORST GIRL FROM YUKIKO. ANNOYING TSUNDERE STEREOTYPE. MAKES ME WANT TO KILL SELF.

#2 - Shit plot

Boring af. Crappy tonal issues all the way thru. WAY TO SLICE OF LIFE WHO FUCKIN CARES. 

HEY IM A TRANSFER STUDENT JUST LIKE LAST GAME LOL. Everyone loves me immediately even tho im a lil bitch. 

Oh noes murder of some random chick we never met so sad ;~;

Meet Chie n Yukiko both boring af, immediately like me 

Yosuke is trash can, Mitsuo is creppy and wierd b/c gamers r uggo and uggo ppl are socially inept and suck

Bitchy girl shows up and then dies

Yosuke does1n't get dick wet (he wouldn't anyways but still) so sad 

See TV world, meet worst character in ORGINAL game (assult of bear puns)

fight dumb fuckin demon frog bc yosuke is bored (wtf is dis shit)

Chie is gay bUT NOT REALLY  

Boss of dungeon is too hard, someone went missing or something idk who cares

Meet gay but nOT REALLY

Chases u bc u judge him but NOT REALLY

Gets kidnapped, gay dungeon bUT NOT REALLY actually about gender and cuz he likes cute stuff means he's gay STUPID but actually he's not because gays r icky lol 

Campin time yaya the girls can't cook pffffft a WOMAN CANT COOK TF WOW WOW SO FUNNY A WOMAN CANT COOK WTF WHAT TEH FUCK and also HANAKO IS FAT AND That's' bad

HOMOPHOBIA TIME LOL KANJI IS GAY ARE YOSUKE AND YU SAFE IN A TENT WITH HIM? FIND OUT AT 11

Sexism next day when Yosuke is like I bought u girls sexy swimsuits and will now shame you to wear them ARENT I AN ENDEARING CHARACTER but no dicks are wet except with water (also vomit) including kanji lol abuse (also that could have seriously injured but never brought up BECAUSE ABUSE IS LOLOLOLOOLLOLLLOLLLLOLLLOLLLLLLLLOLLLL) Also game forced u/Yu to be sexist too fuck off game

Nanako is sad whatever who cares

Yosuke wants idol puss so yay idol but shes sad so we stalk guilible peepin tom who is the killer but NOT REALLY while adachi is quirky

Rise is sad that she doesnt know who she is or something fuckin idk STRIPPING TIME BOWCHICAWOWOW also teddie feels useless so everyone dies or smth

Teddie comes out of TV and is now human and annoying mother fucker, Rise is now not sad but KAWAII and Yosuke no longer wants idol puss idk but but IDOL PUSS WANTS BORING FUCKBOY YU DICK (not pandery at all, just your average sexy teen idol wants boring fuckboy)

Teacher is dead he was dick and uggo so who cares lol

Chase after uggo game lover nerd haha dungeon is nerdy game shit lol video games cause violence right guys? Didnt u know that video gamers are all ugly socially inept muderous pathetic freaks????? THATS U BTW UR UGGO INEPT MUDEROUS CREEPY LOSER FREAK LOL 

Also rise cums when you kill enemies 

Now murders are solved rite so lets have celebration!!!! Girls make omlettes but they CANT COOK LOL wasnt that so funny last time joke so nice they made it twice

Summer festival time Rise wants yu dick and Yosuke wants wet dick but teddie claims all three girls for himself and they go without protest despite not wanting to because they are STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE AND KNOW NOT TO BACKTALK THEIR MAN (isnt this game so progressive) 

PERSONA 3 REFERENCES also underage drinking bUT NOT REALLY JUST SEXUAL HARASSMENT BECAUSE LOL also teddie stalks them lol also teacher books SEX HOTEL???? How wacky

You kno how muder was solved WELL NOT REALLY WHAT A SHOCK THE GAME HAD NO PLOT FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS anyways

Naoto is strong masculine manly mc man detective but gets kidnapped and is actuallY TRANS BUT NOT REALLY IS ACTUALLY JUST GIRL AND THINKS SHES CHILDISH OR SOMETHING but NOT REALLY ACTUALLY SHE’s JUST LONELY but not really idefk. Remember kiddies being different is okay!!! uwu (so long as you ARENT ACTUALLY DIFFERENT U FREAKOZOID kill urself)

Cultrue festival Rise wants u 2 do her in school halls balls deep but game doesn't let you????? lame 0/10 

But then YOSUKE FORCES GIRLS INTO UNCOMFORTABLE beauty pagent that they cant back out of even if someone else signed them up under penalty of DEATH AND RAPE (I presume) because yosuke remains such an endearing character BUT THEN girls get revenge by forcing him into drag contest and u and kanji too even tho it was only yosuke because the GIRLS ARE SUCH AMAZING FRIENDS lol girls are objectified lol fatty thinks shes hot lolllollollooololooloololoollolololooll0lkooolloollololoololol (game designers had to stop in order to finish laughing at own jokes)

then drag contest ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww grosssssssssssssss icky teddie wins because................a dude? PASSING AS A WOMAN??????? Totes not transphobic vibes none at ALL

then HOT SPRINGS SLEEPOVER at inn because there is just SO MUCH MORE FUNNY TO BE HAD (isnt this all so relevant to plot and character??? rich narrative very necessary part of story, game would be UNSALVAGABLE without it) 

Girls are bitches and think that guys are perving because hot springs doesn't tell them when it's time for girls to go? ?????? Great fuckin service amagi inn also why would the guys perv by just casually walking in??? Why why why why why qwhyw why why anyways they throw buckets at the guys and it's HILARIOUS and not at all uncomfortable, guys run away in terror and the girls are like YEAH GIRL POWER!!! Then they find out about mistake and apologize like good friends, people and normal humans would b/c even for pervin that was extra  no just kidding LOL They actually keep it a secret becausE LOL GIRL POWER STRONG RELATABLE FEMALE CHARACTERS AMIRITE WHO HASNT ABUSED THEIR FRIENDS WITHOUT ANY FEELINGS OF REMORSE OR GUILT LOL (also nanako saw that all bad influence on child)

since the friendships are all so wholesome and not at all toxic or unhealthy the guys totally write this off and try to explain themselves to the girls. NO, actualyl, since Tedide and Yosuke are still such ENDEARING characters they instead decide to molest girls in sleep RELATABLE but uh oh they accidentally molest fatty and uggo old teacher who looks 30 and then fatty and teach are like cool let's fuck and like REAL TEENS they are grossed out at being offered sex because yuck women over 20 and fatty also why are fatty and "old" lady hangin out anyway?? Apparently if ur gross u hang out together, b/c that's how it works rite. such grea t non contrivences

Nanako is dying whatever who cares 

Namatame then kidnapps nanako or somth who cares dojima dies but NOT REALLY

then they go to heaven because nanako is sad but nobody gave a shit narukami never cared to ask or try to keep her company isn't he just so GREAT and considerate to the girl being boderline abused and neglected in his own fuckin house no who cares BUT NOW WE CARE RIGHT GUYS

Namatame is cray cray and his boss design is uggo and bullshit

Nanako dies, Yosuke advocates MURDER because he is still SO ENDEARING and player has to chose EXACT FUCKIN DIOLOGUE WITH NOT ONE MISTAKE OR EVERYTHIGN SUCKS AND ITS ALL UR FAULT also in some endings you murder because fuck you 

but then if u dont murder NANAKO WAS DEAD BUT NOT REALLY but only if u dont murder so congrats u were emotionally manipulated into killing the mentally ill b/c ur so great good job

then it turns out Namatame you know how he was cray cray well turns out he wANST REALLY CRAY he just had plot-convient-tempo-insanity-itius as the doctors call it then u talk to him and u know how he was the killer? Welll...NOT REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY he was actually good guy u almost killed innocent man fck u then u have three chances to guess killer and only u can and if you dont get it in three guesses you get, as the doctors call it, plot-convient-stupid-cant-think-anymore-itius and thus you run out of time and nobody in the world can guess except you and even over the next three months nobody can guess because who cares I guess lol 2 ppl r dead it turns out you know quirky relatable cop man well NOT FUCKIN REALLY he is actually crazy because he's bored and as everyone knows when youre bored you kill also he's sad that he doesn't have talent even tho he is sucessful detective???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? then god bullshit end of world or smth who cares

then everything is over also i forgot teddie disappears so sad but NOT REALLY

Christmas eve sex ( i banged rise on top of christmas cake) 

Girls can now cook character development girls learned how to cook 10/10 v progressive 

Then flash forward to three months later because fuck you and Yu is leavin because idk and the game ends BUT NOT REALLY ashkually you can get TRUE SUPER AWESOME ending if you are able to figure out that you have to go to junes for no reason except fuck you 

turns out the gas station attendent u know him? well he was super bored and he's actually a GOD WOWZERS so amazing did you know jesus was a part timer at a gas station????? NO??? That's why youre playing this sack of shit anyway humanity wants ignorance or so god says (sound familiar, Nyx??) and she almost wins BUT NOT REALLY Because yu has the power of frienship and you know that awesome scene of makoto fighting nyx? Well imagine thaT BUT SHIT b/c no buildup

for all ur xtra efforts u get teddie saying hearts are connected anime KH cliche (wasnt that so worth the extra bullshit dungeon) 

Yu is leaving SO SAD WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT P3 WUSS CAST? Your friend is dead? GTFO with those 1st world problems NARUKAMI HAS TO TAKE THE TRAIN TO SEE HIS FRIENDS THIS IS THE TRUE TRAGIC DRAMA WHAT COULD BE WORSE

THE END 0/10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

#3 - ASSULT OF THE CASH COWS

so p4 is gr8 rite m8? well no but apparentlly dumb 14yr old boys were like "omg this game half akcnowleges gays exsist so PROGRESSIVE also i can fuck mai waifu n have friends" and so p4 made a shit ton of money atlus saw dis money printin out and were like $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so dey were lyke "lets release a buncha shit”

Persona 4 The Animation: Imagine the same shitty p4 plot but with EVEN MORE HOMOPHOBIA!!!!! also racism!!!! plus MORE FAT JOKES!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaahahahahah also the animation is piss poor shit!!! Doesn't this sound wonderful????? 

Persona 4 Arena: So Atlus was lyke yannao wat totes goes with our super serious and super "mature" jrpg seriess? Do u kno? BLAZBLUE!!!!! The over the top weeb fighting game!!! YEah son!!!!! So anyways a fighting game comes out with barely any playable characters??????? Great. Fantastic not the least bit fanficy character writing. Also, there is a plot b/c dis shit be canon. Dats right!!! Now you may be thinking "mmmm how does that work????" well the geneiuses at atlus say "B/C SHITTY P3 RETCON CHARACTER IS SAD ABOUT DESTROYING FRINEDS WHOLE TV WORLD BECOMES ARENA WERE PEOPLE HAVE TO FIGHT FRIENDS" and u may hear that and wonder?? "what deh fuck, wasn't tv world gone also when did this ever happen in p4????" to which fanboys proply accuse u of hating fighting games and behead u. 

So at this point in time, P4 is offically dead. It is dead as doornails. but atlus is lyke "Hey let's rape the corpse" and they release shitty remake on overpriced shit system nobody bought. You may be wondering "2012 didn't p4 only come out less than five years ago????" to which atlus says "shut the fuck up and give us money" hence P4 Golden

Persona 4 Golden: Added marie, inistant failure trashfire BUT WAIT!!!! THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!! Added events!!! 

a) Yosuke wants dick wet and will cum if he feels boobs on his back!! So Yu and Yosuke team up to get shitty dumb ugly bikes b/c they're sooooo cooool rite mitsuru? You and ur dumb motorbike p4 is the real mature game. Anyway. Then they go hit on girls and yosuke gets one!!! YAY!! BUT OH NO!!! IT'S ACTUALLY STUPID FATSO STILL THINKIN SHE'S HOT WHEN SHE'S ACTUALLY STUPID BC SHE'S FAT!!! She then sits on yosuke's bike and it breaks because lol shes fat get it get it get it get it????? Doesn't this add so much to the story??? RICH NARATIVE RIGHT GUYS?!

b) BEACH TIME!!! Because that's where the real compelling drama is!!! Anyway they go to the beach and yuckerbears kanji is in a speedo!!! Gross!! I hope yosuke doesn't catch the gay!!! Then teddie tries to molest the girls bc he's such an endearing character lol then kanji's bathing suit falls off!!!! How did this happen u may ask?? ANIME MAGIC!! So then they dress kanji in seaweed like birth of venus and girls scream and run. the end. 

c) Fireworks festival yay time ted-fiya so memorable. Yosuke wants to murder Teddie bc PORN so funny haha more fat jokes also teddie wants 2 bang nanako

d) Nanako is sad again whatever who cares

e) Halloween party!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!

f) SKIING TRIP!!!! YAY!!! P3 REFERENCES!!! YAY!!! Shiptease!!! Yay!!! Teddie steals food so Naoto advocates for his MURDER!!! YAY!! IF YOU DID MARIES SLINK YOU GET XTRA AWESOME DUNGEON!! ALSO IMPLIED RAPEY SEX IN THE SNOW BUT NOT REALLY!!! ANYWAY turns out that marie sucked up the ameno sagiri fog! What u thought it just went away on its own?? BULLSHIT!!!! Next you'll be questioning the ever so important role of NPC John Smith in creating Izanami's gas attendent disguise. Or NPC Billy Bob in giving Ameno Saigiri directions to the boss fight. RIVETING DIOLAUGE LIKE "is this like the part in movies where the bad guys lair collapses??????" WORST GIRL IS DEAD BE SAD EVERYONE ELSE IS U MONSTER!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!! INSTEAD SHIP FUEL!!!! Also marie is polite for half second, AMAZES ENTIRE CAST GREAT WRITING!!!!!!!!! dont u love it when ur friends treat u like shit? then there’s a lovely scene where the dudes perv on the girls who are sexaulized and marie attacks them. Riveting. Then they all died and we were all happy. 

g) New years eve. That is all. also new stupid persona evolutions that look stupid. 

h) Valentine's DAY!!! I bang Rise on the da beach!!! Also if u slink with marie at all she forces you to cheat!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

i) OH, NO! Yosuke is going to have to move maybe idk wasnt he supposed to want to move??? idk shut up. anyways. to keep yosuke miserable his friends have to become a band in TWO DAYS!!!! How will they ever do that??? well guess what with zero experience the entire group becomes master musicians in TWO DAYS!!!!!!! That's right, it's that easy!!!! U 2 can become as good as Green Day in two Days!!!! not that they ever play again lol or ever bring this up again lol. Then the dudes jump into the crowd and lol the crowd dodges thme aand nothing is accomplished. 

j) New super awesome epilogue you only get if you slink marie even tho she isn’t there for 90% of it whatever the new designs suck

Anyway since the game isn't slice of life enough you can now bang rise in the movies and the hot springs also you can go out at night so exciting.

You can now force Naoto into sexy outfits against her will because isn’t it so cute when girls don’t like being objectified??? Also they molest her at the hot springs??? Also 

So yeah P4G sucks ass. But ATLUS didn't stop there!!!! OH no! Atlus then went on to make Persone Q!!! They decided this time to drag innocent bystander P3 as well!!

Persona Q: some bullshit about a dying girl causes the P3 and P4 cast to meet in a wonderful culture festival crossover!! With lovely gameplay and no regression in character!! Chie always had nothing to her past loving meat right????? Also yu can fuck the dog from p3!! isnt this so believable and not the least bit stupid or contrived? isn't it?? Isn't it???????? Not much to say its just dumb surely Atlus must be done now right?? RIGHT?? WRONG!!!!!!

 Now you see since P4G came out, OBVIOUSLY the anime needs to be partially remade! You may be asking, isn't the anime less than TWO YEARS old at this point? Why remake it? Did golden really have such a different story? No. 

P4 Golden Animation: Marie, marie, marie, marie, ten episodes of marie, never goes anywhere, confusing and boring af but look 16 yr olds in bikinis and nude and not totally shit animation so it's ok right? RIGHT? RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P4 at this point has been raped to death all over again and the corpse is still being fucked and they won't just let it die. BUT NO!!!! Enter p4 arena ultimax!!

P4 Arena Ultimax: B/c the first was so great, they made another!! Game so nice they made it twice!! but now the dark hour from p3 is back because idk we ran out of ideas. Also junpei and koromaru and adachi great. But guess what!!!!!! AWESOME NEW CHARACTER!! His name is sho!! He is the secret son of dude from P3, how is this possible? fuck you. Anyway he is so tragic and sad he hates friendship!! awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! :((((( But never fear!!! The p4 team will show sho the glory of frienship isnt this so interesting and original and great????

p4's violated, torn up corspe now has zero dignity left so atlus decided to reanimate the corpse with dead horse dildos and force it to dance 

P4 DAN: Dancing. Shit dancing. Nobody knows how to dance. Remember how P4 used to be about murder and accepting uncomfortable truths???? Well now its about shittily animated dances. Isn't this so great? Guess what we lean about the characters? We learn that they can't fuckin dance and watching them is cringy af. Also now the tv world is a dance stage because the tv world just does whatever the fuck we want it to. what if a characters shadow is a rapist, would they be forced to rape?? is that how atlus would make a porn game?? if we wanted to make a chess game a famous chess player who feels forced to play chess will then make u forced to play chess. .... so obivously, the P4 fandom realized that Atlus was raping their game and refused to buy it right?? RIGHT??? WRONG. They actually will castrate you with a rusty carving knife if you ever so much as imply P4 is a cash cow.

It totally is tho

#Persona 4 #Persona 4 Hate #Kasu.txt #rape mention

[piesforjack]

LISTEN Y'ALL, HERES A CANADIAN COLLOQUIALISMS AND MANNERS GUIDE

because frankly i’m tired of the misuse of our colloquialisms/slang/vernacular/manners/habits in fic so it’s time for this canadian to set the record straight!!!!!

1. “sorry”

i feel like y'all really miss the boat on this, we (henceforth read as: canadians) say sorry ALL. THE. TIME. it's not a joke!! it's real bad!!! i apologize to furniture when i bump into it, y'all!!!! SO if you wanna give jack and ransom some real authentic canadian lingo, have them apologize for nothing worth apologizing for, not just in excess when they do something actually worthy of apology

examples (all based on REAL LIFE things i’ve done): 

*someone bumps into you* (even though it wasn’t your fault at all) oop sorry! 

*not having exact change in your hand when paying for something so you take a second to pull out a nickel* sorry!

*dropping something near/in front of/beside another person* oh sorry!

*asks for substitution or change to a burger or sandwich* sorry, yeah can i get this instead of this? (and have crippling anxiety while asking  just me? hoookay that sounds fake but!!!)

2. holding the door open

listen i didn’t realize how distinctly canadian this was until i was abroad for 2 weeks and felt the real switch from small acts of manners and kindness replaced with absolutely no fucking care in the world for any human that isn’t you. stairwells and doors and any form of public transportation are an “every person for themselves” kinda deal and it’s weird. i will always hold the door open if i notice someone behind me (if i don’t, you bet ur fuckin ass i apologize for not holding it open) 

examples:

even if i get to a door first, if i notice someone behind me i’ll hold the door open for them and let them go first. this isn’t even an age or sex/gender thing, people will do this for anyone, not just the elderly or the female.

if someone holds the door open for me, i’ll pass through and say thank you and if there’s a second set of doors (like in some bookstores and malls and stuff they have those little foyer-like rooms before the actual store) i will hold the door open for them on the second set. always.

3. “bud”/”buddy”

truly a canadian staple that does not get utilized enough!!!! i can’t think of a single person in my life i haven’t called “buddy” at least once, including my lil ol’ grandmother. though typically when i use “buddy” i’m cussing someone out (see examples below!) we sound particularly minnesotan when we say "buddy” which is why i think a lot of people think we have this ridiculous accent (because FUN FUCKIN FACT: the canadian accent is NOWHERE NEAR THE LEVEL OF MINNESOTAN!!! we. do. not. sound. like. that. only “”””bros””””” (typically hockey bros (see: sidney crosby) or “country” boys (see: literally any fucking canadian boy who hunts/fishes/wears a cowboy hat unironically)) sound like this, the canadian “accent” americans mock? totally fucking fake mOVING ON)

“bud” however, that’s a sweet lil thing. it’s actually very much a term of endearment, so to say, i’ve only ever used it when talking to children and s/o’s. it’s not the only term of endearment canadians ever use (ahem, fic writers take note of that) but it’s definitely one that people use and it’s very cute and soft™

examples:

*cussing someone out over a video game/a joke that i have no comeback for/bad driving/etc.* “get fucked, buddy” “oh you’re fucked, buddy” “yeh fuckin right, buddy” etc. etc.

*accidentally taps child on the back of the head* oop, sorry bud!

*s/o says “i love you”* aw bud, i love you too

AND THE RARE BUT SOMETIMES SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE: “BUDDY” AS ENDEARMENT ie. “aw c’mon, buddy, you’re doing great!” (this is most often done by (hockey) bros to children, but i’m sure there’s other situations where this happens)

4. “oop”

again, another one i didn’t realize was canadian until buzzfeed said so. but tbh i use this one so fucking much i’m so sad that i haven’t seen a single fic where jack or ransom use this. it’s like...oops without the ‘s’? that’s really it, but it’s not just for “oops” situations, it’s like a expletive for many things and you just kinda gotta feel it in ur gut, i can’t really explain how/why i know when to use it so tread lightly, but know that this is probably the most popular right up there with “sorry” in terms of usage.

examples:

*watching hockey, fave team almost scores* oop oop oop! awwww f*#$U$%*#$%*! (they didn’t score) or oop oop oop! YAAAAAAH HELL FUCKIN YEEEEEEEEAH BABY WOOOOO!!!!!!!! (they did)

*bumps into someone* oop sorry!

*surprise burp* oop sorry!

*fumbles with something, almost drops it* oop oop oOP!

*does drop something* oop.. *picks it up*

*dodging and weaving through a crowd* oop, sorry..oop oop sorr-- oop!

5. “no problem”

now my understanding is that this is more an age thing than it is a canadian thing, but i feel like in true polite canadian fashion this phrase gets used more and more by a wider demographic than it originally started with. this is basically a replacement for “you’re welcome” because imo “you’re welcome” makes it sound like you’ve done someone a huge favour for them, and i mean, it seems weird to basically say “yeah, you ARE thankful because I HELPED you so yeah BE THANKFUL!” when someone like..holds the door open, y’know? like i said, i’ve heard this is a generation thing and lots of younger people say this instead, so it could be more widespread, but not many other countries say “thank you” as much as we do, so. who really knows tbh.

examples:

*holds door for someone, they say thank you* no problem! (because really, it wasn’t a problem, it was just the nice thing to do and it didn’t cause me any trouble at all to do it. you don’t have to be thankful for this act of kindness but fuck u if u don’t say thank you for it anyway, buddy)

*works in retail, helps someone find something* no problem! (because again, it’s not a problem, esp in this situation it’s my fucking job to help y’all so like? duh?? but same rules apply, if you don’t say thank u i’ll fucking remember it, pal)

*works in retail, can’t help someone find something, customer has to leave/find something else/etc* “alright, thanks anyway” “yeah no problem, sorry!” (because fucking duh, you get it by now)

6. FUCKING “EH”

HOOO FUCKIN BOY WE NEED TO HAVE A CHAT ABOUT THE ATROCITY THAT IS FIC WRITERS EXCESSIVELY AND IMPROPERLY USING THIS TERM. here’s some things to fucking clarify RIGHT FUCKIN NOW: we DO NOT end every sentence with “eh”, “eh” is not always a fucking question, it’s not said how you think it is, “eh” isn’t always tacked on to any fuckin sentence.

okay cool now that that’s fucking out of the way...”eh” is more often used as a filler word, not always like an “um” or a “uhh”, more like a “hey” or a cheer like “ehhhh!” but it’s not as often used as people like to write it into conversation. as of right now i can’t even remember the last time i used “eh” when i wasn’t making a fuckin mockery of how americans THINK we talk. 

“eh” has different pronunciations as well, each one has a different purpose and place in speech. eh pronounced like “a” is usually a cheer (like “ehhhh!!! we fuckin won!!!), pronounced exactly like its spelled is like a question (like “eh? i can’t hear you.), pronounced like “ayy” or “hey” without the “h” is like a greeting or after someone burns someone with a comeback or ur fave song comes on in the club etc etc

basically, what you’re noticing is that “eh” is actually more widely common than you fuckin think it is. it’s not exclusively canadian, and YES!!! there is the stereotypical “eh?” or “eh!” that certain pockets of people will use, again it sort of falls under that hockey/country bro-ish type (to clarify, because idk if i did this or not, “bro” is a gender neutral term, girls or otherwise can also be bros, i use it neutrally, sorry if that wasn’t clear!) but again!!! it’s not used at every turn and it’s VERY unlikely that if you went up to a canadian with ur shitty “eh?!” impression that they would be anything more than stone-faced and weary at your attempt at humour.

examples:

eh, how are you?

eh, to-may-to to-mah-to

FUCKIN. EH!! (usually an expletive when something amazing happens, usually about sports, usually more specifically about hockey, but u knooow)

*making a decision that takes some thinking* ehhhh...maybe?

*hesitantly wanting to go past/around/through a crowd* eh...excuse me...oop sorry! oh go ahead..no problem!

7. bonus canada facts for fleshing out ur stories/hcs!!!

canada has our own football league, yeah i fucking know. all those tropes about jack and ransom not knowing football? actual garbage, they probably know the basics at the very least. if they like football, ransom probably roots for the toronto argonauts (whom most people fuckin hate, along with the maple leafs (hockey team) because canada has this *thing* with toronto, i won’t get into that right now but just know, majority of canada wants nothin to do with toronto sports teams) and jack probably roots for the montreal alouettes because duh (alternatively he roots for something hella random like the saskatchewan rough riders, whom, as a manitoban, i hate by birthright) some of the CFL rules are different from the NFL but yeah, canada has a football league so. kill that trope.

jack and ransom probably know something about curling and/or can actually curl!! curling, btw, is an ice sport where you throw rocks at other rocks (not like, just any old rocks, it’s...just google it honestly i don’t wanna try and explain curling) i know when i was in school curling was always a part of gym in the winter because we had outdoor rinks nearby or one of my elementary schools actually made a curling rink (with the circles and everything!)

“canadian tuxedo” is double denim. meaning, denim shirt, denim pants = canadian tuxedo. jack is 1000000% guilty of doing this.

canada gets real fuckin cold but it also gets real fuckin hot, especially in central canada but also other places too. jack being overwhelmed by georgian heat is probably real HOWEVER he’s not a total dumbass who can’t function in the heat. canada’s weather is a fuckin gong show regardless of global warming so like, jack will sweat but he will not melt into a puddle

yeah anyway here’s a list of obscure canadian things (and some that are just #90sKidThings) ransom and/or jack probably know/love aka me going tf down memory lane!!!: don’t you put it in your mouth,  stay alert stay safe, the talking tv that scarred me for life, “moooom aiden cut me half again!!!”, they probably believed north american house hippos were a thing for a long ass time because they didn’t understand the point of the commercial, tales from the crypt aka my fave show, the weekenders!!!, jack probably loved art attack because sensory things!! visuals!! calm voice!! basically bob ross for kids!!!, BEAR IN THE BIG BLUE HOUSE!!! HOOOMG, if you don’t know what this is I’M SO SORRY YOU MISSED OUT ON THE BEST THING EVER, ransom 100% had all the stuffies of these guys, out of the mcfuckin bOX, ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM, G2G OFF TO DRAGONLAND, you knew you were up TOO LATE if you were watching this, i could cry this show was so fckn good jack 100% loved this, idk if this was just a canadian thing but i fckn LOVED THIS ONE SO MUCH

honestly i could go on for fuckin ever but i’ll stop because god bless anyone who actually watches all those links lmao

i hope this was helpful!!! not tryna be a twat but i just wanted to clear some stuff up because i feel it’s my duty as a canadian to help y’all out, ok??? okay luv u bye thanks for reading!!!

#mine #canadian guide #here u go friends #enjoy i spent way too long writing this lmao

[azunara-archive]

things i have learned delivering pizza

i’ve been a pizza delivery driver for about a week now and let me tell u it is both a surreal job and also far better than any other fast food job i ever did

-you will either hate rich people or love them. there is no middle ground. they either give you insane fucking tips (i’ve had several tips where it was like 6-10 dollars on like 30 dollar orders) or they will give you absolute garbage (2-3 dollars on an order that ranges from 20-40 dollars).

-you thought you got lost in suburbia before? you knew nothing. sometimes not even your gps can save you.

-i have formed a strange bond with every other pizza delivery person i see on the road. if they’re from my company, i give them a nod and i kinda wanna flash my lights and honk excitedly (SAME PIZZA! SAME PIZZA!). if they’re from a different company, i have to resist the urge to get into a physical fist fight with them.

-this has lead to me mocking other companies in my car loudly. YEAH LETS GO DOMINOS ILL FUCKIN FIGHT U U WANNA GO PAPA JOHNS I’LL KICK UR ASS.

-i have never seen a pizza hut delivery car. i know pizza hut exists here. yet they seem to be a myth. terrifying.

-you will listen to the same pop song over and over. and over. and over. and over. it’s reached a point now where i flip through my presets and have to find the one i hate the least or at least have heard the least, and even then i find myself singing along to the ones i fucking hate to keep my sanity.

-i am so tired of ed sheeran’s shape of you guys.

-sometimes when i grow tired of the constant pop songs, i use the time alone in my car to practice character voices for my d&d campaign. i can only imagine how i look, having conversations with myself, in different voices, as i try to figure them out.

-sometimes people have dogs. it’s the best fucking thing in the world. one time there was this golden retriever sitting on the corner likely held back by an invisible fence thinger, and i drove by and this dog lost its fucking shit to see me. it was so excited to see me. i was like “SHHH DONT TELL MY BOSS” as i sprinted across the street to pet it

-even rarer, sometimes people have cats. that’s always a reason to be excited. most of the time i talk more to the pets than the customer, filling the awkward silence as they sign the receipt with “how are u buddy are u a good friend yes u are im giving ur owner pizza yes i am”

-i don’t know if this endears me to the owners or not, but typically pet owners give solid tips.

-one time i came across an address that had numerous military veteran stickers all over their apartment door proclaiming them to be a vet, etc etc. but they also had an “i love cats” sticker. they were an old man. it was the weirdest combination of facts about a human being i have witnessed.

-another man apparently got cortizone shots to his back. he ordered a large pizza and 4 diet cokes. his door was open. he asked me to come in. i gave him his food as he was on his hands and knees on the ground. i think he was lonely, as he kept talking to me about how big the needle was. he was like “you would have cried”. i said “yes i would have absolutely have a good day” and left. that was the end of our conversation.

-one time a lady got excited that i was a female pizza delivery driver. apparently they don’t get many. this seems to be the case as there’s only one other female pizza delivery driver. she works weekends with me. most of the ladies are counter girls. you’ll take my driver position from me over my cold dead hands.

-one time i accidentally switched the pizzas for a customer. one was a supreme, one had anchovies. the supreme house got anchovies, and they wanted their proper pizza. (anchovy house got the supreme and was startled when i went to their house with the wrong pizza. i was like “sorry about the mistake” they were like “what” i was like “.......you got the wrong pizza right” they were like “oh yeah hahah i didn’t care thanks for the pizza tho”) anchovy house, however, was the one who put in the call. they handed me back the anchovy pizza with disgust written all over their face, they were like “please take it back we don’t want it”. my only other food experience was in fast food where u don’t take back the food u trash it so i tried to argue. they were insistent. i returned to base with an anchovy pizza.

-when asking what do i do with the pizza, my boss was like trash it no one will want it. another driver did not realize it was anchovy, shouted “LET US EAT IT!”. saw it was anchovy. immediately said “nevermind”

-it was left on the top of the oven where the reject food goes.

-someone went to take a slice.

-speaking of reject food, that’s the biggest difference between the fast food place i did and the delivery place. in fast food, they trashed fuckin everything the customer returned. in pizza, the managers were like “fuck it bro have some pizza”. it gives me life.

-we got a call from someone the other day whose only instruction note was “exterminator friend!”

-he introduced himself as raul the exterminator.

-we do deliveries to an adult detention center (it’s just called the jail. that’s just what we call it). the other day we get an order back because one of the guards didn’t get the ketchup they wanted and were very upset. this lead to a following conversation between the driver and i:

me: “so they’ll arrest us for not bringing the ketchup huh”

him: “no, not for that. but when they do end up arresting us they’ll remember us for the ketchup and be nicer”

me: “so ur going to the jail to give them their ketchup”

him: “yup, but im goin home afterwards anyways”

me: “oh so it’s a ketchup drive by”

-he would later have a bag filled with several ketchup packets, ask if it was enough. i was like haha just fill it up all the way with ketchup. the driver was like nah then we’d look like assholes. and THEN when they arrest us they won’t be as nice.

-related to the jail, the second or third shift i did, my manager was like “so have you been to jail yet” i was very confused. i said no. this is when i found out we deliver to the jail, and also people get lost very easily in the jail and the guards tend to want to be ur buddy once they find out ur bringing them their food, but this process can take a very long time because they gotta make sure ur the food guy if they don’t recognize you or something. there is a lot of bureaucracy involved.

-my very very first delivery was a credit card receipt. i had no pen. i was sitting in my car, with no pen, screaming in agony because how was the customer supposed to sign. so i finally go “hello this is my first delivery ever. and i don’t have a pen. do you have a pen.”

-they had a pen.

-they gave me the pen. i was like “no take it”

-they were like “you will need it more than i will”

-i was very touched and used that pen all weekend until i guess i set it down on my desk and it escaped as pens are oft to do

-i still think of this blue pen and this friendly blue pen man. one day i hope to deliver to him again so i can thank him. one day, i will give him a pen.

#stupid text posts