#and while yes i am different than some trans people to say i'm struggling *more* if i'm the only one medically transitioning is??? huh???? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

transgenderteensurvivalguide · 4 months

Note

Is it being discriminatory or offensive to think that being mtf is always going to be harder than being ftm? (I am enby afab)

Lee says:

Your question touches on a complex and sensitive topic within the trans community, and it's important to approach this with an understanding that every individual's experience with gender identity and transition is unique, and there are various factors that can influence the challenges they face.

The concept of intersectionality is crucial here. People experience discrimination differently based on intersecting aspects of their identity like race, class, age, disability, and their socioeconomic status, access to healthcare, etc.

And even beyond that, each person's journey is shaped by a multitude of factors including their family dynamics, social environment, cultural context. These factors can make the experience of being trans vastly different for each individual.

You can't compare two people based on a single identity and say "ah this person must have had it worse because they are [X identity]!" because people aren't just one single identity, they're whole people.

Certain things can affect one part of the trans community more than another, like hypervisibility vs invisibility/erasure for example, or the rhetoric supporting laws that prevent trans people from competing on teams that match their identified gender. It's true that trans woman are often dehumanized and seen as either sexual predators, as sexual objects, or as a joke, and as a result are often the targets of a lot of transphobic rhetoric.

Minority stress is real, and it can affect people's physical and mental health even if they are not personally facing a current physical threat to their safety.

While trans people who were AMAB may be more affected by some of that stress, that doesn't mean it exclusively affects them-- often the whole community ends up feeling the effects.

Even if trans women are often targeted in bathroom bills, for example, the end result is no trans person can use the bathroom that aligns with their gender. And being discriminated against for being transgender and seeing others face discrimination for a shared identity can create distress and that should be acknowledged.

Comparing the struggles between segments of the trans community can inadvertently create a hierarchy of suffering, which is not constructive. It's more helpful to acknowledge that while experiences can be different, each individual's challenges are valid and deserving of support and understanding.

We get variations on this discourse pretty frequently and I used to answer this question when it was asked. But recently I started to wonder what good my answer will do-- If I tell you "x group is Most Oppressed tm" how does that change anyone's lives for the better?

If you're interested in this type of thing from an academic perspective then you can study the issue more, and make up all the "What if" scenarios you want. A trans woman who grows up in a supportive white liberal NYC family, starts puberty blockers at age 12, starts estrogen and legally changes her name and gender marker at age 15, has bottom surgery at 18 and goes off to college having been "passing" as female since childhood is going to have a vastly different experience than a Black transmasculine person who grew up in poverty in the South, doesn't have a supportive family, came out at 16 and was kicked out and then never finished high school, manages to start testosterone at 23 but isn't able to afford top surgery until they 34 and is often misgendered as a result of not being able to bind in their physical job. They will have completely different backgrounds, experiences, and privileges even if they both started to transition before middle age. And of course "passing privilege" is another can of worms that I'm not going to open here.

Instead of focusing on which group has it harder, it's beneficial to recognize that yes, there are some differences in our experiences, when viewed on average, but that should be used as motivation to help people who genuinely need it instead of just being divisive.

When you notice someone using transphobic arguments or targeting any trans people, you should obviously speak up and fight back on their behalf if you're comfortable-- we have to support each other, but we're all part of the same community and everyone's safety is important. Don't put yourself in danger.

So yeah, I'm tired of rehashing the Discourse and won't be answering questions about that type of topic. Good vibes only lol. In general, we all need to work to foster a sense of solidarity and support within the trans community and be open to listening to the experiences of all trans individuals. Understanding the diverse perspectives within the transgender community can lead to greater empathy and support, and mutual support can be a powerful tool in navigating the challenges of living in a transphobic culture.

#Lee says #discrimination

98 notes · View notes

kierancampire · 6 months

Text

I have some more gender questions

So I must admit, I am struggling with understanding trans non-binary, my brain is having difficulty with this one. But it's been less than a month since I heard about it, I only just heard the term "trans umbrella" for the first time yesterday, also still very ill and tired, so this all is new to me and I think with time I'll get it, but for now, even after explanations my brain is struggling with it. I accept that people identify that way, I personally just am struggling to understand it is all

But I think one thing that will help, if anyone could answer, and again I am sorry if I word things poorly or say anything offensive, that's why I'm asking, to better understand to not cause offense. Anyway, yes I have some specifically non-binary questions that I think will help me better understand non-binary and also trans non-binary

So what is the difference between personality and gender identity? As an example, yes, for many years I severely struggled with being a man/male, and didn't really like being viewed as one. But I sort of changed what being a man means to me personally, and while society as a whole may not agree with it, for me it helped me embrace being a cis man but I don't view that as gender, I just view that more as personality. So how do you differentiate what's just your personality and the things you like/dislike, and what is gender identity?

But to go on further, and this is my second question. So I do believe that too many things are unnecessarily gendered, and I do believe people should be allowed to enjoy things outside of social constraints, for instance I don't think it makes you any less of a man to wear dresses or make up, and I find it stupid that toothbrushes, vitamins, razors and such are gendered. Then again in myself, I am aware I have "traditionally female" interests, like baking, knitting, fruity/floral scents, in a sense art, and yes, I do have a few "women's" clothing, but I personally don't believe these things make me less of a cis man and I feel no shame in liking them. But while I have seen others share this view, I have noticed at the same time that trans/non-binary people will wear dresses and make up to be fem, but have short hair and jeans/graphic tees to be masc, but doesn't that inherently go against the ideology that these things aren't gendered?

And a sort of third question tied to the other two, yes, as shared, there are many "traditionally feminine" things about me, yet I personally see those more as personality than gender as it is things I enjoy as a person that I feel aren't tied to my gender identity, and happily I see myself solely as a cis man. So what is the difference in myself and others where they either feel these things are gendered, or that it makes them feel they do not belong to one gender? Because I do feel in my position maybe others would view it as a binary/gender issue and struggle with their gender identity, but for me it is just personality and not gender? So what makes people view these things differently to me?

Again, I must admit I have always silently really struggled with either not feeling like you are male/female, or that you change between the two or even more, I've never said anything out of not wanting to cause offense, but it is a thing that my mind just struggles to understand. So if others could help me understand how they view the relation/separation of gender and personality, and even what gender means to them, that'd help me a lot. I truly really do want to understand it, but I think like the idea that trans isn't solely binary, even after answers/explanations it may take more time, thinking, and maybe more questions to understand it. I truly do accept people feel this way, but I just want to understand why they do

I guess something I should add on actually is my lack of care in a personal sense. As I have shared in the past, people in cat groups constantly think I am a woman and call me she/her all the time, but I just never correct people on it as I don't care, and I think that's why I have never put my pronouns in my bio, I don't care. I prefer to be called he/him, especially by friends and family, but I guess that's the thing, people who know better I expect them to address me as a cis man, but for others, I just don't necessarily care, as long as they aren't calling me an insulting name it's whatever. But again, I think this causes an issue in my personal relation to gender identity/personality and how others perceive it, as an area I don't care about, others care greatly for, so it's hard to fully understand the difference in views, which again I accept it, just not necessarily fully understand it

#personal #trans #transgender #nonbinary #lgbt+#lgbt #lgbt community #lgbtq community #lgbtq #lgbtqia #gender #gender identity #question #questions

31 notes · View notes

cyanocoraxx · 1 month

Text

10 months on T Review tm

- the acne thing has almost completely missed me. the only time it flares up is when my body "wants" to be in its cycle every few months, which i know by the back pain, cramps and headaches - but so far i've only had two actual cycles since starting and while yes they were painful they were short-lived. - my body temperature is definitely higher. i can tolerate the cold much better and find myself getting hot quicker than before? - my voice is so much lower than it was! so much so that on the odd occasion where people at first call me she, they quickly change to he after i say something to them. I'm getting a lot of "buddy" and "pal" at the moment actually. win? - muscle mass. it's not so obvious until i FlEx but it's absolutely gone up. recently i was able to lift 33kg when i weigh 37kg. madness??? i look unassuming outwardly but i'm much stronger when i apply myself to something. - facial hair is a thing. people keep telling me to shave. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - not sure if this is just some kind of blip but thought it would be interesting to note: tattoo healing??? all of my other tattoos that i got pre-T would swell MASSIVELY and sting for days. my latest one, from 2 days ago actually, hasn't swollen up nearly as much and i'm not getting any random stinging like i normally would. i know higher testosterone is linked to good wound healing so maybe it's related, maybe not, but tattoos that i have in the same place (just on the other arm) behaved so differently. - interestingly before starting T i was very prone to migraine with aura. a side effect often stated is increase in migraines and… actually i find that i've experienced the opposite! while i do still get headaches and migraines (at work mostly due to dehydration/stress rip) they're so much less common in my day-to-day life. i also haven't had a migraine with aura since starting.

- emotions. whooo boy okay. confounding factors are c-ptsd and did. as a whole things are much more positive! my emotions are level most of the time which is really good as someone who's prone to depression, and i find myself enjoying things much more. HOWEVER. this also means that i struggle to identify when something is Wrong. am i behaving this way because of depression? anxiety? who knows because i can't feel those things in the same way as before. i have a new lexicon of Feelings to navigate and i'm still learning how to verbalize it. it's more difficult to articulate what i feel and why - uhhhh trans swag. - T hasn't stopped me from being british. sorry. send post

#txt

8 notes · View notes

hyggehooligan · 6 months

Text

(Also last night at my wife's high school athletics event) she was catching up with one of her teammates she hadn't seen in a while and we were asking about her kids, and she said "we have a 6 year old and also 3 year old twins" and I said "oh twins! We have twin nieces and we love them!" And she basically brushed me off and said "haha well being a parent is a lot harder than being the aunties" like ok???? Casual misgenderjng aside, why the fuck would someone say that? First of all, my feeling with polite conversation and small talk specifically is the same as with improv: "yes, and." You want to be able to volley with people. I was trying to relate to her and she just shut me down. Also it's not a competition, I didn't imply it was, actually I implied that twins are very cool and fun! But she didn't want to hear anything about my experience.

Additionally, it was a special kind of shit feeling to be told that my experience was "less than" just because they aren't my children. I've always wanted to be a parent with my own children and it is becoming more clear that that might not happen, I am processing it, it is what it is; and I'm working on building other areas in my life to fulfill that need. I really enjoy my work with animals (cuddling some foster puppies as I write this) and I love my nieces and all my friends' kids and I feel so lucky that I get to be in their lives as they grow up. I want my own babies but I can't do that for a variety of reasons. As a queer trans person, logistically that is complicated and expensive. As a person with physical and mental illnesses it makes full time childcare difficult. But I have a lot of love to give and I give it freely where I can. Love takes many form and there are so many different types of families. We don't have to compare. We just need to support each other.

But I think it's very important to be sensitive to the struggles people might be going through in their families, whether we know about them or not, whether they are your friends or not, because these kinds of casual comments can really hurt. And the thing that gets me is that it was just such a rude and unnecessary response.

#chronically ill #autoimmune disease #disability #queer family

7 notes · View notes

astranite · 9 months

Text

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)

#AstraStuff #I dont know what the fuck this all is at this point #just that writing this is probably better than just rotating in around in my head #like a particularly messed up microwave #there is very much a temptation to delete this but instead here i am throwing it to the void

5 notes · View notes

notabled-noodle · 2 years

Note

In response to your personal post about dissociation.. I'm a little unsure if you basically decided to leave the subject alone for now, and I'm not unwantingly butting in.. if I am, you can ofc ignore this :)

I am personally and professionally of the opinion that the dissociative disorders are some of the most under-researched, poorly understood and random designations in the diagnostic system. By no means, does this mean that I don't believe in the experiences associated with dissociation, hell, I'm a dissociative bitch myself, but I do think that it's very hard to say anything about dissociative experiences that has any solid scientific basis.

Therefore I am taking off my psychologist hat, and I'm going to share some personal first hand and second hand anecdotes that may or may not be helpful somehow.

First off about the 70% of the time feeling dissociated/disconnected from your body. With what little I know of you, I tend to contribute this at least partially to your sensory sensitivities - it sounds like "your body in the world" is not a very nice place to be, so it makes sense that you spent a lot of time out of touch with it. But in terms of anecdotes, I have a friend, a trans girl. For her a similar constant dissociation was at least partially related to gender questions, and the further she got in her transition, the more in touch she felt with her body (and emotions). I have a partner with DID, who thought they were always dissociated. When they started adhd meds some of the fog lifted, and they learned that for them there was a difference between adhd fog and dissociation that they didn't quite see previously. Another partner who is autistic and has ptsd feels disconnected from reality as a whole, and while they have a vivid rich inner life, they struggle to connect emotionally with the "real world". They are questioning schizoid pd. Personally I used to feel similarly, still do sometimes, and I think for me it was in large part due to a life-long experience of being an "outsider"/not quite human, an observer of not just the world but also "myself", and it was very meta in a distinctly prodromal psychosis way I guess ^^"

As for spicy dissociation and feeling "just not present", I'm not 100% sure I understand what you mean, or rather that could mean different things to me. It could be that you experience amnesia for these episodes (thus feeling like you weren't there), it could be an experience of being on autopilot without actually decision making power, or it could be the feeling of another presence taking over temporarily (or some mix). For example I personally experience both of the latter, but not the first (blackout amnesia). But since I'm not sure what you mean by it, I won't comment much more.

In terms of the flashback triggering dissociation triggering an emotional flashback! THAT I know what you mean, like yes, that is a thing.

The way I conceptualise it, something triggers a flashback. Which is upsetting, so the brain reacts by trying to shut down via dissociation, much like it might have done at the actual traumatic event in question. And then the dissociation sticks around, not allowing you to access your emotions etc. So when the dissociation lifts, you are hit by the emotions related to the flashback.

In terms of what trauma counts for what disorder etc, sure, that can matter for an official diagnosis, but in terms of personal experience, it's honestly rather simple: Anything that you personally experienced as traumatic has the potential to cause you to have trauma reactions later - such as flashbacks, dissociation and more. (Also might wanna throw in there that it's well-established that autistic (and other differently nd) people often interpret and experience stressful events in a more traumatizing way than neurotypical counterparts.)

Losing control of your body while still having full awareness would be interpreted as a delusion of control by most psychiatrists, a symptom of psychosis. There's a lot to be said about the differences and similarities between dissociative and psychotic experiences, and once again, it's not a subject where I feel confident saying anything in a professional capacity. That said, there's a few things to look out for in understanding the nature of what's going on.

In delusions of control, the sufferer often (but not always) have an accompanying delusion about who/what is controlling them. Whether this is the case of not, delusions of control are usually (but not always) experienced as forceful and uncomfortable/scary.

When speaking of personal and secondhand experiences of both identity dissociation, compartmentalization and delusions of control, I tend to think that it's "open to personal interpretation of the experience".

If the experience is more in the realm of "someone else takes over for a while but it's cool" I'm not super worried. Whereas if the experience is that of losing control of your body, being unable to influence what you do/say, potentially accompanied by a sense of external control, I would be worried, both because that's not a nice feeling and also because I associate that with delusions of control (psychosis).

Personally I feel that the fact that psychiatry only ever offered me one explanation for my identity/control fuckery (as part of psychosis, something to exterminate), while I also felt alienated by the language/discourse surrounding dissociative disorders, lead me down some dark paths in the past..

These days I/we are pretty ok on the whole thing, but yeah...

Dunno if any of that was helpful at all?

I have kind of decided just to leave it be, as in… I’m not actively seeking out answers. but I am still mulling it over and trying to think of the best way to describe my symptoms. so no active discovery, just passive thought.

it does make a lot of sense that both my gender and my sensory issues would contribute to dissociation. and, you know, my chronic pain might have something to do with it too, if my brain has decided that dissociation is a coping mechanism. in terms of all that, I think the best I can do is try to look after my sensory needs and my pain needs and see if that helps reduce the dissociation? we’ll see

I haven’t experienced amnesia for several years, and the spicy dissociation is what seems to have replaced the episodes of amnesia. it’s like I’m half here and half on a different planet. the half that’s here is on autopilot, and the half on a different planet is thinking through fog. it’s hard to explain, but yeah that’s the situation

thanks for explaining about the emotional flashbacks being triggered by the lifting of dissociation! that explanation makes a lot of sense to me, and seems to be accurate to my experiences

it also makes sense that autism would make me more susceptible to ending up traumatised. I’ve read a bit about that before, but I’ve never really applied it to myself, because my trauma has been really unusual (in that it’s happened in bits and pieces). I’ve only started questioning it all now because my mum thinks that I can’t possibly be traumatised compared to what caused her trauma and… yeah. I don’t know.

hmm and about the delusion of control… it doesn’t feel great at all. it feels like I’m on the inside of a robot, and some supervillain in the distance has decided to manipulate what the robot does. I’m screaming internally, but the robot doesn’t listen to me, it just does other shit. nothing dangerous — usually it just makes me say things or eat something I wouldn’t normally eat. it is very uncomfortable though and I wish it wouldn’t happen!

I do have some psychosis associated with my OCD, so I don’t know if this is possibly a part of that or if it’s unrelated. my OCD psychosis wasn’t considered bad enough for me to be on anti-psychotics or anything, so it generally freaks me out but is mild. it’s usually just that I can feel ghosts touching my body, and then I have a compulsion to get rid of the ghosts

yeah, anyway — thanks for the input! from what little research I’ve done, it does seem like a very messy area in terms of distinguishing what’s going on

#dissociation #tw psychosis #asks #tw ocd

18 notes · View notes

natromanxoff · 2 years

Text

The Big Issue In The North - September, 2006

Credits to Louise Belle and Queencuttings.com

Freddie Mercury

Exclusive unseen interview

‘Outrage is wonderful’

The world's first Indian and Persian rock star would have been 60 earlier this month. Fifteen years after Freddie Mercury's death, and with his songs remaining as popular as ever, the following previously unpublished 1984 interview reveals a performer at the top of his game

Words: Steve Lake

Lake: For a while, you captured an American black audience with songs like Another One Bites The Dust. Was that a surprise?

Mercury: Totally. I think if we'd consciously tried to write a song that would cross over to a black audience, we could never have done it. It was a song that John came up with and it just broke the barrier.

Lake: Were you listening to bands like Chic when you broke through the disco barrier?

Mercury: No. At that point I'd only really listened to soul singers. Like Aretha Franklin, whom I've always loved. Or Marvin Gaye. Since then of course I've been quite active with my Michael Jackson impersonations! I've moved from writing multi-layer harmony-type things. I like the very open-space black funk things. I think it showcases my voice a bit better. For the last eight years I've been struggling to get my voice through this barrage of guitars...

Lake: You've actually been working with Michael Jackson, haven't you?

Mercury: Yes. Nothing has come of it, because we're both very busy. We've got three unfinished tracks. One of them is called Victory and the bugger has gone and called the new Jacksons album ‘Victory.' I don't think the song is included, though. I hope not. If it is, I'll go apeshit and sue the f****r.

Lake: Do you enjoy working with other singers? I heard some disgruntled noises from Brian May one time when I asked him about working with Bowie on Under Pressure.

Mercury: Interesting you should ask that. David is a very good friend of mine. No, I get on well with David. Of course, there's always this temperamental thing between musicians. A degree of ego clashing. It has to be like that, because when you're working with other people you can't have it your own way all the time. That Under Pressure session was totally spontaneous and that was why it was so good. David and I are both people who get bored very quickly and we like to do things on the spur of the moment. I just think David and Brian have nothing in common, nothing to talk about together beyond the music.

Lake: The span of personalities in Queen seems to be more extreme than in most bands.

Mercury: Yes. I think that all stems from the fact that all four of us are songwriters. So, from day one, there was always competition within the band, as well as competition outside of it. I think it's healthy. And we all have amazing egos, of course we do. We all have a key role in the group. And even if we're talking about the same topic, you'll usually get four different views on it. We're quite open about our differences. If I say something and some of the others don't like it - tough shit.

Lake: Are song lyrics very important to you? Are you self-conscious about your words?

Mercury: Yeah. I am. Look, for me the song lyrics are just completely escapist. I don't feel that I'm equipped to write any heavy in-depth message songs. To me, a Queen song is just something to be listened to and discarded — like a tissue. It's like going to the cinema and forgetting your problems for an hour and a half. I'm not here so say 'Change your life by listening to a Queen song.' I don't want to change people's lives. John Lennon could write powerful message songs. Stevie Wonder. They've lived their lives that way. You can actually believe that they mean it, if it's a peace song or a peace message. I'm not like that. I like to write a nice song with a good tune and that's it, on with the next.

Lake: How do you feel about the new groups promoting a conspicuously gay or trans-sexual image? Groups like Dead Or Alive or Frankie goes to Hollywood and Culture Club?

Mercury: Some images are good, some images are bad. I like Boy George immensely. He's got a very hard role, it's a brave thing to take on and its wonderful, it's working. Outrage is wonderful. But sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it's a bit tacky. It just depends on the individual.

Lake: do you feel that you've played with that outrage quotient in Queen?

Mercury: Oh I think so. We started off with Roxy Music in that whole glam-rock era. When I started, all people were used to was bands recreating their albums on stage and wearing jeans. So when they suddenly saw Freddie Mercury in a Zandra Rhodes frock with makeup and black nail varnish, it was totally outrageous.

Lake: Of course in England, especially in papers like The Sun, much of the interest is focused on the sex life of pop stars.

Mercury: Yes, I know. You're going to ask about this story about me being "gay" that was in The Sun. As far as I'm concerned, I just f ** k whoever I want whenever I want. With Queen, the press have just printed whatever they want to print, and they can get away with it. I don't lose any sleep over it. But that thing was completely misquoted. What can I do? I can't think 'Oh my God I've got to let everybody know that this was wrong.' The whole Sun article... I think the woman who wrote it just wanted a total scoop from me and she didn't get anything. I said "What do you want to hear? That I deal cocaine or something?' so she went away and printed that I'd actually confessed that I was gay. And there's no way I'd do that. I'm too intelligent.

Lake: Cynically, it's a good time to be gay. It's good for business.

Mercury: Isn't it? But it's wrong for me to be gay now, because I've been in the business for 12 years. It's good to be gay now or outrageous in the business if you're new. If I even came out with that people would say 'Oh God, here's Freddie Mercury suddenly saying he's gay because it's very trendy to be gay.' It's not my scene. The only thing that matters to me is the music. If the music doesn't sell, I'll just give up.

Lake: Which leads on to the inevitable questions about longevity. Is there a point beyond which you think you can't be up there on stage doing the show that you do?

Mercury: The only testing ground is the record, to be honest. It doesn't matter what the press says, if you don't sell records that's it. At this moment in time I'm bored with the stage […]

"I don't want to come across as modest but sometimes it does mystify me as to why all this happened to me. I just sing the song to the best of my ability and do the best performance I can"

[…] shows. I want to do different things. I want to play places I haven't played before. We're thinking about going to South Africa and it's going to be very political and everything, but I don't give a shit. As far as I'm concerned I'm just playing music to people. We were one of the first groups to go to South America. It was an amazing experience. Two weeks after we'd finished Britain was at war with Argentina. But that shouldn't matter as far as musicians are concerned. Music is for everybody. I want to go to Russia. We wanted to go there three or four years ago but they looked at our album covers and decided we would corrupt their youth. These are the things that I want to get to — the other corners of the world — before I give it all up.

Lake: But do you think, though, that public acceptance is really any criterion of musical quality?

Mercury: Yes!

Lake: Really?

Lake: Yeah, that's how you gauge your success, but it doesn't say anything about the intrinsic value of your music, does it?

Mercury: Oooh... what a load of shit! I know what you're saying, that you can be a wonderful undiscovered musician. So what? What does that mean? I think talent means that you know how to ram it down people's throats! Talent is being in the right place at the right time. You've got to know how to get to people. Talent is image.

Lake: I was just remembering a Rolling Stone article about Queen in Argentina which described Queen as 'the first truly fascist rock band.' Does that say anything to you?

Mercury: Oh dear. Oh dear. Noooo... OK, explain it to me. What does that mean?

Lake: Well, I'm asking you.

Mercury: A whole lot of journalists came from all over the world to see us play those stadiums in Argentina. It had never been done before, and we just happened to be popular enough to do them. In San Paolo we played to 120,000 one night and 130,000 the next. It was very new to them and it was very new to us. It was not like North America. There was no such thing as any organisation. It could have turned out to be a totally unruly crowd, so they had the Death Squad doing the security. Before we came on stage, the whole military was up the front with bayonets. Just in case... South America is a completely different kettle of fish, and they thought that if anybody could get such a vast audience it could become very, very political. They pleaded with me to not say 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'. When you have a mass like that in front of you, you're in command, you can actually control it. They were very worried that I could turn this musical event into a political rally.

Lake: How do you feel in the middle of a scene like that?

Mercury: Oh very powerful, very powerful. You feel like the Devil. You feel that you could run riot with all these people. Somebody else with a different mentality could really use it to their political advantage or disadvantage.

Lake: What does it do to you on a day-to-day basis when you're on a stage and thousands of people are chanting your name?

Mercury: It's wonderful. The adrenalin's there... Of course, it makes you feel completely powerful. But as far as I'm concerned, I just lose myself in the music. I just want to make sure that I do a good performance and have a riotous time. That's what I really think... I don't suddenly think 'I've got all this power, I can DESTROY!' It's not a destructive thing. I'm too wonderful for that. I'm too good.

Lake: Do you think ‘Yes, I deserve this kind of adulation'?

Mercury: (Laughing) No, no, no. That kind of adulation I'm quite overawed by, to be honest. I don't want to come across as modest, but sometimes it does mystify me as to why all this happened to me. I just sing the song to the best of my ability and do the best performance I can.

Lake: Do you prefer to be categorized as "star" or "musician"?

Mercury: Oooh, I don't know (laughing). I don't know. I'm just a human being. I'm just somebody doing a job. What does it mean — star or mega-star or whatever? I'm just doing my job. I don't mind being called a singer, or a singer/songwriter. I think I like that best.

Lake: Do you think you are overpaid?

Mercury: Well, there's a lot of money to be made in this game. No, I work hard for my money. What I like about it is that everything I've got is what I actually made myself. Nobody gave it to me. It wasn't handed to me on a platter. I worked for it. Everything that I have is worthwhile, because I made it myself. I like to work for my money. If all the success finished tomorrow, I'd try and regain this status in some other way, by actually working. I don't want to be given anything.

#queen #queen band #freddie mercury #queen scans #queencuttings.com #the big issue in the north september 2006

13 notes · View notes

dervampireprince · 1 year

Note

(Previously mentioned the sorrow audio, didn’t include a signature…Oops!)

I myself am struggling with identity issues, I was wondering what made you feel secure in your identity? I feel like I question myself a lot.

-🐈‍⬛

oh boy uhhh i'm not really sure how to answer that. nor what identity you're talking about. i started writing this based on the assumption you were talking about gender identity but for all i know you meant sexual or romantic attraction, so if you didn't mean gender sorry that really wasn't clear.

i don't know what you identify as, and it's different for everyone. i feel secure in being a boy because i am a boy, i'm sorry i don't have any deeper meaning i... i don't have doubts about being a boy, otherwise i wouldn't identify as such. if you're asking how do i know i'm a boy? i can't answer that for you. gender is a feeling. only you know what fits right for you, and not everyone can find a label that fits them and so just uses an umbrella term like trans or nonbinary or genderqueer or they just call themselves unlabeled.

if you're in the early stages of figuring out if you're trans or not, you'll get more secure with time. you've got plenty of time to try out different pronouns and names and labels and see if you like any of them. sometimes it isn't always about what you know you like, but what you know you dislike. at the beginning i didn't feel like i was allowed to be a boy, that i couldn't be because i'm not hyper masculine, but i knew i was so uncomfortable with being called a girl and she/her, so i tried out different names and went by they/them for a while, at the time i only knew one trans person, and what i would say allows me to be more confident in expressing my identity is surrounding myself with other trans people and seeing other trans people who express their gender in different ways.

and i phrased it as 'confident in expressing my identity' not 'secure in my identity' or 'confident in my identity' because that implies things i don't like, i don't want to be asked if i'm insecure in my identity because that sounds like someone is asking 'are you sure you're really a boy?' which would be a gross thing to ask. i know that's not what you're asking, but i don't understand what you mean by 'secure'. because i'm reading that as "what made you sure you're a boy?" which.. if that's what you're asking, i don't have an answer for you. i just know i am. and i know i'm not a girl. it's just what i am. asking me to question that makes me uncomfortable, as if i'm not being believed.

in terms of questioning yourself, back when i first learnt what gender identities were, that there was more than just cis man and cis woman, yes i questioned 'am i really trans?' because i would have thought i would have noticed i was trans when i was a lot younger, 20 felt too old to be questioning it but, the more i looked back the more i was like oh right okay so i have always had these feelings, i just didn't know that those were signs of being trans. but then i realised i wasn't really asking 'am i a trans boy?' i was asking 'am i allowed to be a trans boy? only because a cis man can be feminine or wear different fashion or make up (eg harry styles) but the moment a trans man does it then cis people and some other trans people say he can't really be trans. which is bullshit.

so i guess if you're asking what can make me more sure of my identity, assuming you already have one you feel is right for you, is just think if transphobia didn't exist and i could just be whatever identity without any consequences, would you identify as it? because when i was 15 i used to say to myself well duh if i could shapeshift my body with magic or just switching to be a boy was easy to do of course i'd be a boy. and then i grew up and realised no cis woman ever says or thinks that.

i don't know what i was aiming for with my answer anymore because i don't understand the question so if any of that was helpful then yay i guess , if none of it was well. and if you didn't mean gender identity then you should have specified.

#black cat anon #the vampire answers

4 notes · View notes

the-diary-of-red-beryl · 1 year

Text

Interim Report

Long time no see. I haven't posted a reflection on here in a while, mainly because I haven't been able to make a lot of definitive conclusions since I last wrote, but I think I have enough thoughts now so here goes.

'Hey! How are you?' is the precursor to my most frequent lie, or half lie I suppose, because I reply with, "yea not bad, yourself?" Because, truthfully, I really don't think I've ever been happy. My baseline emotion is despair, with a dash of distracted, here and there (it's like scrolling your social media feed, flicking through tv channels, or having a look at what's on food delivery apps), and these days I genuinely can't bring myself to tell others that I feel better now, because it's never been true. It's bleak, that I can really see myself being the extremely sardonic book character that chronically struggles with depression among other things, and eventually loses out.

There are so many reasons as to why I feel this way, and I imagine a couple more are waiting to be discovered, and while putting a label on them has helped me understand it a bit better (names are powerful), it's still only the first step. I like to follow the practice of "yes, and?", which in this case begs the question, "so, why is that?" It's a lot, some of which I did cover previously (add being trans masc to the list), and it's sort of a case where while I've finished processing the events, I haven't exactly understood why I still feel the way I do.

A huge consequence of it is that I feel extremely different to other people, like an alien. I've since found that this is a fairly common feeling among others sharing the same conditions, though I've yet to find people similar to me, not that I need to. I think that if I do though, then maybe they'll be more likely to care, but also be able to make me feel seen and heard, and safe. It doesn't feel likely at the moment, and maybe not ever, but if that's how it is, then I'm okay with it.

Right now, I just feel angry. Angry that I keep opening up to people that weren't right for me, and that it never works out. I'm not really mad at the people, as much as I am about the situation itself, because it's frustrating to be stuck with the same outcomes no matter what I seem to be doing to make things better. I still wonder sometimes, if it's because I did something wrong, or if I'm a bad person, but I know now that I'm just quite weird.

I most likely do miss social cues (it's hard to say unless someone points it out) and overstep unspoken boundaries, but that's absolutely not done out of malice. Besides, I'd rather be weird if it means it's more sustainable for me, rather than constantly having to keep my actions in check (timing my eye contact, making sure I smile and show an appropriate level of emotion at the right times, padding out my words, etc.) because if I'm going to be alone either way, I'd rather be myself.

It means that I've been able to spend time getting to know myself, what I like and dislike, what I believe in, and so on. And it's enough to know that I've done right by my principles so far. While the situations that I've faced so far haven't been great, I don't believe that I could've avoided it (because I've done my best). I haven't been negligent in my efforts to improve my circumstance, constantly finding new ways of thinking about the problems and trying it out, and that's all that I really can do (or should be expected to do).

#journal #diaryposting #diary entry #my diary #diary #online diary #self reflecting #writing

0 notes

bucky-at-bedtime · 3 years

Text

Stucky Fic Recs

So basically I went through all of my ao3 bookmarks and collated a list of some of my favourites (I couldn't fit all of them on this list, so if anyone shows interest there might be a part two).

Please read tags and descriptions of the works before reading, some of them are pretty dark or extremely horny so just make sure you check that the fic is for you!!

Please please please send me your favourite fics in return! I am always happy to hear fic recs, headcanons and any other ideas/comments you all have!

Without any further ado, here are a few of my favourite Stucky fics:

‘Not Easily Conquered’ series by dropdeaddream, WhatAreFear

Rating: M, Words: 117,692

https://archiveofourown.org/series/115516

“I told you, you heard me: I told you never to follow me into Hell. Now I’m not vain enough to think that’s why you’re out here now — if there’s any person in what’s left of this God forsaken planet who’s part of a bigger picture, it’d be you. But I’ll keep saying it until it sticks. You got nothing to prove. I’m not worth much, I damn well know that, but I’ll ask you anyway: Stay for me. If you leave me alone in this world I’ll turn into something terrible. I’ll turn into the nasty creature that’s growing inside me. This war, it’ll swallow me whole”

[To me, this fic is like the classic Stucky 101 fanfic – if you're a Stucky fan and you haven't read this, I highly recommend it. The authors explore the Steve/Bucky relationship in such an interesting, tragic, emotive way and I cry every time I read it. I couldn't praise this work enough.]

‘Ain’t No Grave’ series by spitandvinegar

Rating: M-E, Words: 131,789

https://archiveofourown.org/series/426577

"Yeah, he never calls me by my name," Steve says. "It's always champ, ace, hotshot, that kinda thing."

"Man, that is flirting," Sam says. "That nicknames thing, he is flirting with you. He's just working his way up to calling you baby or something."

Steve goes redder than a damn coke can. Sam pumps his fist. "Yes, I am so right, I am wise as hell. He did, didn't he?"

"He called me sweetheart," Steve says grimly, "because he's a drug addict with brain damage."

"Or because he looooooves you," Sam says. Captain America throws a cookie at his head. Sam eats it, because he deserves a treat for being so damn wise.”

[I'm currently re-reading this fic and absolutely loving it. The way spitandvinegar writes Bucky's road towards recovery and Steve's entire characterisation – it's all just so good. It's another one that covers some pretty dark themes, so make sure you're checkin those tags!]

'Einherjar' by thecommodore_squid

Rating: M, Words: 71297

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7157024/chapters/16249814

But Steve was fine.

Sure, he hadn’t seen Bucky in months, and sometimes he was at the punching bag so long that his skin started to peel off to expose the bones of his fingers, and sometimes he couldn’t find the energy to drag himself out of bed, and sometimes he went weeks without sleeping, and sometimes he thought about throwing himself head-first off the nearest tall structure, but he was fine.

He was absolutely, perfectly, one-hundred percent, fucking fine.

AKA In which Steve learns how to deal with his shit, and Bucky learns how to stop leaving.

[basically the definition of a recovery fic, I absolutely adore it. This is tragic and amazing and makes me cry and smile. It’s got a bunch of fantastic cameos and It really just ticks so many of my boxes.]

‘Like real People do’ by 2bestfriends

Rating: E, Words: 67,775

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19887376/chapters/47103217

“"Ask me what?" demands Bucky. "I didn't hear a question."

Steve licks his lips. "Will you stay with me? Will you come back home, Buck?"

"Home," repeats Bucky in a small voice, and then he's crying for real.”

[Basically soft lumberjack!steve and lonely twink!bucky being horny and in love. This is a comfort fic for that’s really just about my favourite boys falling in love.]

‘This City Bleeds it’s Aching Heart’ by anonymous

Rating: E, Words: 34,537

https://archiveofourown.org/works/835829/chapters/1591736

“The one where Steve and Bucky pose as a happily married couple while on a mission for SHIELD, to catch an international arms dealer hiding in a suburban neighbourhood.”

[The plot in this one is just a good time and i think it’s just a really fun take on the fake relationship trope. Also some really great characterisation.]

‘Home is Wherever I’m With You’ by cydonic

Rating: E, Words: 88,570

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18868081/chapters/44783077

“Bucky kisses Steve and Emma goodbye before they leave for school, which is why – partway down the road – Amelia turns to him and asks, “why are you and Daddy kissing?”

Which is definitely a conversation Bucky’s been expecting since Steve just did it, but it still takes him by surprise. Again, he thinks he should wait for Steve, but Amelia’s not the sort of kid to let anything rest. Plus, Bucky’s taking her to school where she will undoubtedly share the story with anyone who’ll listen.

He also stops to think that Steve’s asked him to stay, which means Bucky must be trusted with their happiness and well-being, at least in some small capacity.

Bucky clears his throat and searches for some explanation that will help Amelia make sense of this sudden turn of events. “Because we love each other,” is all he comes up with.”

[Bear with me, this is a House Flipper!Bucky Au. And dad!Steve. I just love a found family trope I’m not gonna lie to you. Another comfort fic that warms my lil heart.]

‘Lucky Seven’ by BetteNoire (WeAreWolves)

Rating: E, Words: 94,364

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7033105/chapters/16002481

“Back from where--?” James says, the sentence ending in a distinctly undignified squawk as Steve sweeps him up in his arms, bridal-style, and starts carrying him upstairs.

James tenses momentarily then relaxes into Steve's arms and throws back his head and starts laughing. The laughter peals out of him, his body shaking, his amusement occasionally broken by little gasps of pain.

“What's so funny?” Steve frowns.

“You are,” James says, still giggling. “You're ridiculous, Steve Rogers.”

“Behave. Or I will drop you,” Steve growls.

[The shrunkyclunks modern AU of my dreams featuring Mechanic!Bucky and cap!Steve and some really beautiful writing.]

'Dishonor On Your Cow' by mandarou

Rating: E, Words: 111695

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10659162/chapters/23589582

“Sergeant Barnes?”

“Oh, hell no, don’t call him that, man,” Sam warned.

“Captain Fuck Off!” Barnes shouted over him. “Fight me!”

Steve didn’t know whether to laugh or just slink away. He managed to combine the two by pacing two steps and snorting instead. Like a bull.

“I’m gonna need you to calm your ass, Barnes,” Sam said as he went limp again, obstructing Barnes’s struggling under him. “This is so undignified. That is Captain goddamn America.”

“Captain goddamn America!” Barnes repeated, louder. And angrier.

Steve cleared his throat again. “I’ve been looking for you,” he told Barnes.

“I hope you brought lube this time!” Barnes shouted.

[I’m not gonna lie it took me a minute to get into this one but by the end I was crying with them, laughing with them, and just really in my feels. Some very insane things happen so here’s a few of my favourite tags: ‘Seargent Barnes is done with your Shit Steve’, ‘blatant disrespect of a man’s motorcycle’, ‘Steve you ding dong’ and ‘PR nightmares in the form of Supersoldiers’.]

Propietary Information by Notlucy

Rating: E, Words: 85141

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11964402/chapters/27054777

“Okay, so Bucky Barnes has a crush on Steve Rogers. The guy's gorgeous, talented and, oh yeah, the Chief Design Officer of the biggest tech company in the world. In other words: he's so far out of Bucky's league that he might as well be in a different stratosphere.”

[We were never gonna get through this list without a Sugar Daddy!AU (I have a weakness). This one is… saucy and sexy and sweet and uh pretty kinky so read the tags and all. I’ve read it a few times, and I love the way the author has written Steve in this one, he just makes my heart go '!!!']

‘Roots Have Grown’ by AustinB

Rating: M, Words: 17280

https://archiveofourown.org/works/6912451/chapters/15767941

“Bucky is a mildly agoraphobic veteran with funds to spare, who becomes enamored with the cute blonde guy in his building.

So when Steve mentions needing a roommate to cut down on rent costs, Bucky decides it would be a good idea to volunteer.”

[Another weakness of mine is Roommate AUs, and this one is phenomenal. I tend to go for post serum!Steve stories more often, but this is a pre-serum Steve that I just adore.]

‘The Cold Never Bothered me Anyway’ by icoulddothisallday

Rating: E, Words:75562

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11728869/chapters/26425530

“Bucky Barnes has spent his whole life in a state of mild hypothermia. Steve Rogers has spent the last 70 years in the ice. The two things aren’t related until, suddenly, they are. Shrunkyclunks soulmate AU (AKA the awkward bb au).”

[I think this is the only soulmate AU in my bookmarks? I would totally be down to read more though! This one is really fun and really enjoy Bucky’s characterisation here!]

'War, Children' by Nonymos

Rating: E, Words: 106615

https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373050/chapters/12409394

“After Bucky was released from the hospital, it only took him a couple of weeks to give up on himself. Difficult to believe in any kind of future when the simple act of staying alive was almost too big an effort.

Out the frosted window, across the street, there was a tiny homeless guy burrowing under an awning.”

[An interesting exploration of Bucky’s PTSD with a trans!Steve which was a cool take on his character too!]

'The Company You Keep' by orbingarrow

Rating: G, Words: 51191

https://archiveofourown.org/works/3468605/chapters/7613072

“Hurt, hungry, and on the run, the Winter Soldier doesn’t have a lot of safe options to go to for help. Figuring that any friend of Captain Steve Rogers is unlikely to be HYDRA, Bucky takes a chance and reaches out to the first Avenger he can find.

It works out better than anyone could have expected. Eventually.”

[hurt/comfort, recovering Bucky, protective Steve, found family and domestic avengers, need I say more? I absolutely loved this one]

#stucky #stucky fics #stucky fic recs #fic rec

258 notes · View notes

epicene-humanoid · 3 years

Note

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times.

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through).

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode.

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that.

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous.

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

#community #jeff winger #trans jeff winger #GOD i'm gonna make a video essay about it if nobody stops me #yall know that youtube channel AreTheyGay? i want to be that but AreTheyTrans #the videos would just b like... jeff community. neo the matrix. bill and ted bill and ted. audrey little shop of horrors. jo little women.#maybe i should start that youtube channel sjdfklsj #thank you for prompting me to talk about this because i think about it twice a day #i might end up reblogging this and just adding different responses jeff has had to casually homophobic/transphobic things that happen #in the show #like the episode that last photo is from when the dean is like #'spring transfer student dance isn't rolling off the tongue so we're calling it The Tr@nny Dance!' 'much more greendale.'#OH AND ACCIDENTALLY KILLING PIERCE'S DAD!!! HOW DID I NOT MENTION THAT EARLIER SJFKLSJ #'you LITERALLY killed a father!' 'well not MINE dummy!!'#alright i need to do my homework now ajfklsdjfl

402 notes · View notes

dangan-happy · 3 years

Note

(It's an avocado... thanks!)

To Kiibo, Izuru and Kaito

I've been so stressed lately. I promised myself that I'd come out to my parents as transgender at the end of the school year (i'm ftm going by he/they) but now that it's getting closer I feel like there's a time bomb about to go off. I've been having constant panic attacks just thinking about telling them. I've lost contact with my online friends because I'm not allowed to have discord anymore, I feel alone. I'm starting to hate my body and myself more and more, and I wish I was more masculine. I just want a hug and some reassurance, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you all.

What's up bro!! You kinda sound familiar, just saying. Anyways, I'm really sorry to hear that you're stressed, let me see if I can do anything to help! Setting goals for yourself is good, so it's awesome that you did that. Yeah, actually going through with things you set goals for is a lot harder than a lot of people think, and for something as big as coming out, no wonder you're stressed! I promise you there's no time bomb. Coming out is seriously scary, especially if you don't have a good support system at home. Are you safe coming out? Are people at your home going to treat you nicely enough for you to be safe? Do you have the emotional strength to take anything they might throw at you? Not everyone's in a good place to come out sadly, and it's totally ok to put off doing it until you feel safe enough to do it. If you're having panic attacks, it's seriously ok to drop the idea of coming out for a bit until you feel more ready. Seriously bro, you don't have to push yourself. This sounds like it's seriously freaking you out, and you shouldn't force yourself into something that's making you this nervous. If just thinking about it is that hard for you, then I think it's a good idea to take a step back. There's seriously no pressure to come out. You'll know when you're ready, I promise.

Man, I'm sorry to hear that you lost contact with your friends. Is it possible for you to make a different discord account or use a different device? I promise your friends haven't forgotten you at all. Even if you're separated from them right now, they still care about you and think about you all the time. Hopefully one day you'll be able to go back on the platform, and when you do, I'm sure they'll all be there ready to welcome you back! I promise you you're not alone, and I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated. I promise you're not alone, you have people that care about you no matter what. I'm sorry you're feeling that way about your body. I know you can't make the changes you want to, and that's not your fault. You might have to hang in there until you're in a place in life where you can make the changes safely. For now, see if you can wear more baggy clothes and pants, that might help a little.

Trust me bro, you're masculine enough. You're just as masculine as me, no matter what, got it? You'll be able to make the changes you want to some day, I promise. Hey, you're not bothering at all!! Seriously, I'm happy to help. Hell yeah you can get a hug!! I'm always down to help a fellow man out! You're amazing bro, and masculine, and cared about. Don't forget that ok!

So you have been locked away from online communication with those dear to you, all while heavily struggling as a trans person? If my analysis skills are correct, in which case, they are. I know who I am speaking to. I must say, it is relieving to hear from you once again. I may even feel the slightest hint of joy that you have come back to us in some way.

You are not forgotten. That much I can assure you. We still remember you. I understand that your fear is growing with every passing day. All the more reason to muster the courage needed to come out. I ask of you to abandon your fright and stand upright and bravely come out when that eventful day comes.

Momota claims to be a man, but often tends to get sick. I am the peak of manhood, you were wise to come to me for help. I hope we hear from you again soon, and that you build your own future. One of your own will. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, I as well find a sense of familiarity with this particular ask, but in a fond way. It is nice to see you again, even if we haven’t talked much as of late due to your situation. I would first like to say that I’m really proud of you for making this goal, Anon. I know it must be really hard to even consider coming out in the first place, and let alone by a certain time limit. While you are awfully brave for making this decision in the first place, I also don’t wish for you to pressure yourself throughout this. Coming out is something that is very personal, and it’s best to do it when you’re most comfortable with doing so. Forcing yourself to do it within a certain timeframe is only going to make you more stressed. and based off of what I’ve heard, that.. doesn’t seem healthy, with the panic attacks and all. (For those, I would recommend breathing exercises and/or medication to at least relieve some of the anxiety.)

But, please ensure that you are safe with your parents before anything. I don’t want to scare you, but if it’s not safe to tell them yet... I wouldn’t recommend it until much later, when you’re able to live in a safe environment by yourself. You really don’t deserve to be hurt physically or emotional by any of this, let alone by your own parents if they’re unaccepting...

But listen, no matter what, you are masculine, you are a real boy, and you deserve to express yourself in the most comfortable way possible. From my perspective, gender itself is a social construct, and it’s honestly mostly about how one feels inside. Based on your words on multiple occasions and the statements from beforehand, I know for a fact that you are one of the most “manly” and valid people that I am aware of.

Onto your discord friends, I am sure that they miss you just as much as you miss them. From what my Inner Voice is telling me, I understand that you and your comrades were very close to one another. Nevertheless, you are not alone, and you never will be. You were able to contact us via an account on Tumblr, yes? Perhaps you can reconcile with some of them on this website, that could at least help you feel less alone to an extent. //Mun here, if I am talking to who I think I’m talking to, my DMs are always open for when you need it my guy, :).//

Before I go, I would like to say that you weren’t bothering any of us with this ask at any means. You’re not a bother to any of us, and we’re more than welcome to address your concerned. And yes, of course you can have a hug from myself as well. It’s not everyday that you get to hug the Ultimate Robot after all! As both Kaito and Izuru said, I am more than sure that you are an amazing person, and that you’re more than worthy of respect. Above all, please remember that, and I hope that all goes well one way or another. Farewell, Anon.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #kaito momota #izuru kamukura #Kiibo #K1-B0 #mod kaito #Mod Mura #Mod Keebs

18 notes · View notes

jlf23tumble · 4 years

Note

Hi! I've seen you rec fics before and I'm wondering if you have any recommendations for Harry Styles fics that deal with gender. Like Harry being either nonbinary or that being the focus of the plot in some way. Thanks!

I have GOT YOU, my friend! I answered a similar ask a long time ago, so I’ll bring those recs over, plus add newer ones, just to keep us up to date. Same caveat as before, though--these fics delve a bit deeper into the genderfluid side of the fine line rather than just the “harry in panties” side because I think you’re more interested in the former, but if I’m wrong, let me know! Enjoy!

Us, Me, We, @homosociallyyours, 2.3 (Harry/Harry, Harry/Louis). Featuring Harry trippin’ balls and truly seeing “her” in the mirror.

you make me wanna (how deep is your love), orphan_account, 2.5k (harry/louis). As the notes say, “straight up porn,” featuring trans Harry.

Friendly Fire, @vondrostes, 2.6k (Harry/Ny). Look, you’ll see a lot of Terran here, I had to hold *back*, but he writes tons of pairings, so there’s something for everyone, and I rec it all! In this case, Harry learns an important lesson about why he shouldn’t date straight women.

No Control, thegirlwthekittentattoo, 2.6k (Harry/Louis). The dialogue here is EVERYTHING, it’s cute and hot and emotional yet still funny, like Harry’s bra being named Christi with an “i”, and I loveeee how much is packed in here.

Silent Night, @sulkingroom, 2.7k (Harry/Xander). I’m 99% sure this is Melissa, not orphan_account, but she’s another author who writes stunning fics that play with gender, this one featuring trans Harry at Christmas.

She, Myself, and I, @vondrostes, 3k (Harry/Nick). Angst city, with Harry telling Nick exactly who “she” is.

Every Drop of Rain, haemophilus, 3.3k (Harry/Taylor). Told through Taylor’s eyes, a fascinating look at Harry and his gender journey. (I highly rec this author’s work in other pairings for similar vibes!)

if they find out, will it all go wrong? blankiexrry, 3.4k (Harry/Louis). Gender exploration behind the scenes when the D played MSG, plus extra kink added!

The Assassination of Harry Styles’ Dignity, wishforwishes, 3.5k (Harry/Nick). This one was in the pubefest, and it’s gryles angst hours gorgeously done as Harry ponders shaving past and present (highly rec this author for gender exploration in other pairings, too).

She Feels So Good, Zedi, 4k, and its sequel, Turns Out She’s a Devil In-Between the Sheets, 3k (Harry/Louis). Mannnn, this universe is so good! Part one is behind the scenes of the Late Late Show after Kiwi, and part two is sexi times in Italy. I utterly adore how this Harry shifts right along with her pronouns.

Fertile Ground, Blake/ @newleafover, 4.4k (Harry/Louis). Jesus wept specifically at this story, CHRIST, so much dysphoria-related angst!! The sheer number of moments guaranteed to make you stare at the wall for one (1) hour, help!

into joy i’m sailing, @hereforlou, 4.6k (Harry/Louis). The tenderness LEAPS off the screen in this one, Harry forgets he’s wearing a dress when Louis comes over for dinner, and I peel my heart out of my throat every time.

weird honey, orphan_account, 5.4k (Harry/Louis). I’m a big lurker in fic comments, and these ones give me joy because big names from a time when this Harry drew even more hate than today are here, spreading love and support--who was this author? This story is so GOOD, I’d love to know what else they did! (In this case, a sex toy helps Harry deal with not having a vagina.)

violence of my own touch, 14hrflight/ @got2ghost, 5.2k (Harry/Louis). Chi is yet ANOTHER author to read for spot-fuckin’-on genderfluid characterization (here, it’s alpha/alpha with all kinds of bdsm, dysphoria, angst, and more).

it’s you i want to take apart, orphan_account, 5.9k (Harry/Louis). This author--in the year of our lorde 2012--watched the nail polish interview and created a work of art that went even deeper, their MIND!!! What else did they foretell??!!!!!

Love at Home, @vondrostes, 6.9k (Harry/Xander, Harry/Zayn/Xander). This fic is HYPER-current, like, mid-quarantine, and it features some Zarry history, some pregnancy-related dysphoria, and so much more, plus horses!! (The horses aren’t actually all that involved, I just love to see ‘em.)

Vinyl and Lace, objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain, 7.5k (Harry/Louis). This one kills me because it’s XF days, and you get the full-on sensation that this is meant to be kinky play funtime, but it’s going to end up being something much bigger on so many fronts, we love to see it!

Are You Gonna Be My Girl? LoadedGunn, 7.5k (Harry/Louis). EASILY my fave fic this author wrote, basically, Louis talks about his first time with a girl, Harry decides to be that girl, and the dirty talk hits different in the end!

call me anything you like, but my name is, wishforwishes, 9.9k (Harry/members of CHASM). [muffled internal screaming whenever I think of this fic] It starts with BSE Veronica/Zayn and ends with Harry Veronica/Zayn, and so much revelation happens in between, goddddd bless.

fallin’ and laughin’ at the drinks we spilled, enbyharry/ @non-binharry, 14k (Harry/Louis). Asia’s description in the notes kills me, but #vanlife Louis runs into proud Harry in some bar and shenanigans ensue is the upshot!

But She Doesn’t Know Who I Am series, jaerie, 15k (Harry/Louis). I love that one of the tags here is “louis asks inappropriate questions” because that’s honestly most of what happens!!

o/o angst series, HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals, 17k (Harry/Louis). I miss Nina’s writing like a phantom limb, and I doubt they’ll return to this universe, but I swear, I will read (and rec) ANYTHING they produce when the muse visits them again! This one is as its title says, and it doesn’t disappoint, heavy sigh.

Grenadine Sunshine, objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain, 18k (Harry/Louis). This fic is a peach of a pearl written as a gift for one of this fandom’s best authors, and it perfectly captures the Mood of that author, with so much softness, makeup, gender, and tender.

Alpha Louis/Alpha Harry series, 14hrflight/ @got2ghost, 22k (Harry/Louis). SO MANY GENDER ISSUES EXPLORED HERE, WOW!! College roommates come to terms with their identity, and, mannnnn, do I love it when a/b/o gets unstraightened, if you will, chef’s kiss all around.

Nothing You Can Do (But You Can Learn How to Be You in Time), Teumessian, 28k (Harry/Louis). Also known as the pinterest fic, this one is just so soft and lovely, an identity story told through hair (among other things).

genderfluid!harry series, istajmaal, 33k (Harry/Louis). This entire series hits just as hard today as it did when it was written in 2013, a time when people were aggressively trying to make fetch frat boy Harry happen (some of ‘em still are, lmao). Anyway, this is another author I highly rec for all their other fic, but this one does an A+ job of describing Harry’s gender exploration mid-D madness.

Amor Victorious, HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals, 38k (Harry/Louis). Another brilliant work from Nina, you feel like you’re on this journey with them, PLUS it dives deep into gender identity struggles, PLUS it throws a/b/o for a loop, all of which equals a big yes from me!

hush., wankerville, 41k (Harry/Louis). One of my all-time faves, this one tackles so many phobias, all while being set in a small-town America high school AU and managing to be the softest, most gorgeous, most hopeful thing in spite (because?) of that.

Time Passed, coffinofachimera/ @belialsmiracles, 66k (Harry/Louis). LISTEN, I WILL NEVER, EVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS FIC, I can only hope the author will bless us with a timestamp or something else entirely, it’s so beautifully done, it makes you think of nothing else for days, it RUINS you for other fic (I highly rec the author’s other work, too). You’ll never look at Tokyo Harry the same way again (or listen to “She” or “Fine Line” without getting more than a little misty). GOLD STAR!

Made of Lightning, @vondrostes, 74k (Harry/Louis, Harry/Liam, Harry/Louis/Liam). Just...the tags on this don’t do full justice to the journey of it, to the imagination of this specific timeline! I adore how Terran writes trans Harry!

Second Spring, @vondrostes, 103k (Harry/Louis). Speaking of Terran writing trans Harry, this one covers all the ins and outs of her surgical transition, how she recovers, and how she and the people around her deal with puberty no. 2.

#fic rec #gender #harry styles #whew it's a long one!!

115 notes · View notes

larktb-archive · 3 years

Note

Hi! I'm too shy to come off anon, but I need your help understanding something. I hope I'm not bothering you!!

I don't want to interact with anyone who is a fascist, but I'm not entirely sure what makes someone fascist. Can you please explain it to me?

I know I could look it up myself, but I know that not all definitions online can be correct and I just want your perspective;;

Thanks!

Hi anon! Well, fascism comes in many forms so “sussing out who’s a fascist” is technically a little harder to do than having a simple checklist. After all, doesn’t a White Supremacist have different beliefs to a Japanese fascist? And doesn’t a Japanese fascist have different beliefs to a Wahabist? These beliefs clash don’t they? Well, yes and no. Sure the surface level beliefs are different but the underlying core beliefs of these groups are actually quite similar; it’s the specifics which are different. Even though it isn’t a “bible” on what is fascism and shouldn’t be taken as gospel, Umberto Eco has an essay called “Ur-Fascism” which contains 14 points, which can help us identify whether certain beliefs are fascist no matter the specifics of their belief system. I’ll explain the points in short and give some examples. Quick disclaimer, I am not an expert on fascism or any of the ideologies I’ll discuss by any means so if you aren’t taking Umberto Eco’s writing as the 100% correct truth, definitely don’t take mine as that either (this is how you should treat most sources tho):

1. Cult of Tradition and 2. Rejection of modernity

I put these two together because they’re kind of inseparable. This is basically the idea that there was a “glorious past” that people need to return to and modernity is a corruption of that “glorious past”. In British fascist thought, this past is generally the 19th century at the zenith of the British Empire or mid-20th century Britain. The latter is more common for people who wish to be a little more PC with their writings; instead of trying to use a by-gone era that pretty much no one alive can remember, they use a much more recent time with nostalgic ideas of “the good old days” which doesn’t seem threatening on it’s surface but is dogwhistling for a time when there weren’t as many immigrants in the country.

You may have seen the “reject modernity, embrace tradition” meme and it’s pretty much the most obvious incarnation of this idea. Similarly you may seen people online use “degenerate” as an insult. If you look at the meaning of the degenerate it means “having lost the physical, mental, or moral qualities considered normal and desirable; showing evidence of decline”; it’s microcosm of these ideas put into a single insult. This is why you tend to see conservatives use it more than progressives.

I’d also argue that terfs obsession with 2nd wave feminism and their utter rejection of intersectionality and modern feminism is another manifestation of this idea.

3. Action for actions sake

This is less detectable in terms of individuals but still important to note that these people tend to support action without a cause. Sure the insurrection at the white house earlier this year was action, but it had no substance behind it. It was action for actions sake, which is why any principled leftist didn’t support it. Fascists will tend to openly just call for action but won’t be very specific about the purposes of the action; as long as they agree with the ideology behind it they’ll support it. It’s why fascists love harassment campaigns and mindless acts of terror. Take Wahabist terrorist orgs like Al-Qaeda or ISIS, it doesn’t matter if bombing an Ariana Grande concert has no point, the only point is the action itself.

4. Disagreement is treason

This one’s pretty self explanatory, they will ostracize you if you disagree with them. Again, terfs tend to do this, and I had a long conversation with an ex-terf I called a dumbass, who basically said that she was ostracized by them and mocked for having different beliefs (hope she’s doing well actually). There’s numerous stories from ex-terfs like this.

5. Fear of difference

There’s a tendency for fascists to group people into “us” and “them”. “They” are considered to be intruders who need to be removed whereas “we” are the people who deserve to be here because it is “our” right to be here. In Zulu Nationalism, this tends to be any non-Zulu speakers who they deem to be “Shangaan” even if they aren’t actually Tsonga, it’s just a pejorative at this point. If you see vague references to the “elite” without any reference to who they are and what makes them “elite”, this is tends to be a dogwhistle for Jewish people. Western Fascists have very little issue with the workings of capitalism itself or the accumulation of wealth by capitalists, they just don’t like “them”, taking “our” stuff. Any references to “us” and “them” is pretty much a red flag.

6. Appeal to Social Frustration

Fascists will tend to brush upon actual issues faced by the poor today but will instead blame it on an outside force. You’ll see job loss being blamed on immigrants or vague “elites”. Terfs do this too. They’ll see young girls who are genuinely struggling with patriarchal issues and divert all that pent up rage towards trans people and the “q*eers” (which they do tend to use as a slur unlike what most people would have you think).

7. Obsession with a Plot

Everything is a conspiracy! The election was rigged! 9/11 was fake! that fucking pizza place/this furniture company is a sex ring! All of these are supposedly plots by the deep state who are trying to do... something or other. You’ll notice these “Plots” don’t actually have a purpose, but the fact that there is a plot itself is the issue. This is a way of engendering paranoia in the group while also feeling that there is a constant war against you even if there isn’t. This is also why, despite news sources being pro-capitalist the right will swear up and down it’s leftist media which is controlled by “them” (usually just meaning Jewish people).

8. The enemy is both strong and weak

“Trans people have infiltrated academia and the only reason people refuse to see gender as an immutable biological concept, is because they’re too afraid of the trans cabal to say anything. But also everyone can tell trans people are crazy and haha you have a high suicide rate.” It’s contradictory that’s the point. They need to feel that they’re both counterculture but also they need to be winning at all times so that contradiction is necessary. Also the use of the word “cabal” is a pretty big red flag for all forms of fascism.

9. Pacifism is trafficking with the enemy, 10. Contempt for the weak, 11. Everybody is educated to become a hero and 12. Machismo and weaponry

All of these are kind of interrelated so I’m grouping them together (also this is already fucking long as hell so I don’t wanna bore you any further). You’ll tend to see a love for the military or at least military aesthetics when looking through fascist blogs. Guns aren’t just a tool for fascists, they’re representative of masculinity and the necessity of violence. Pacifists and anyone who refuses to fight are weak and therefore are “degenerate”. If you do not fight, if you are not willing to fight, you cannot be a “hero” (an ubermensch or a matyr). This comes with the fetishization of violence instead of the recognition of violence being an means to an end, and the worship of individuals rather than of communities and organizations. Take Japanese fascists and their lionisation of the imperial military and their desire to once again have an actual army.

Terfs don’t necessarily fit these roles except for arguably 10 considering how much they seem to look down upon the mentally ill and those who commit suicide and surprisingly 11 since that involves the hatred of non-standard sexual activities and terfs hate non-standard sex (this is from the most vanilla bitch who is very uncomfortable with kink but understands its not inherently good or bad). I have a feeling this is more so because terfs are mainly women (there are male terfs ofc) whereas this was written for male led organizations.

13. Selective populism

When fascists talk about “the people” they tend to mean “the people we like”. “The working class” can be translated to “this cishet white christian man from Minnesota who owns land but hey he lives in a rural area so he’s working class right?”. They’ll also tend to have “tokens” who will suddenly become the mouth piece of the entire community they’re supposedly representing even if no one in the community asked them to (i.e. Milo Yiannopoulos).

14. Ur fascism speaks Newspeak

They speak in terms which are both inaccessible to anyone outside of their circles whilst being so simple that once you learn them it becomes easy to understand. They abhor any form of “academic” speech so you’ll rarely see them source things (unless those things happen to agree with their views, which is rare but Jordan Peterson is popular for a reason) and if they do source things they probably wouldn’t have read them fully and will rely on you also not reading them. This is to limit any critical thinking so that your brain is basically jellified into an unquestioning organ which only responds “yes” or “no” and only appeals to a higher authority without any form of reasoning involved. This is why they complain about “the lefts memes being too wordy”... because they’re used to not having to read (this is somewhat tongue in cheek but heyho if the boot fits).

And that’s the 14 main features of fascism, if anyone is displaying multiple of these ideas then they are most likely fascist, and if an organization or group continuously replicates these ideas, then they are definitely fascist. I hope this wasn’t too long but like I said... very complex topic. (Also hopefully this is written well, it’s 10 PM and I am surviving off Irn Bru energy drink). Hope this helped!

#long post #lillypad.txt #ask away #Anon

6 notes · View notes

lemonadebloodsworld · 4 years

Text

Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

#ed vent #vent text #tw depressing stuff #tw eating stuff #trauma #ventcore #traumacore #long ass rant #tw self destruction #self harrrm #tw self destructive behavior

8 notes · View notes