#batman: ‘…joke?’

[alyakthedorklord]

Batman the Playboy

Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.

The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.

Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“

Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”

Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”

Green Arrow: (offended noises)

Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”

Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”

However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.” (Also for him, drunk=Brucie)

So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”

Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”

Batman nods. Thank God. He wants to go home and sleep. But first: “Superman, yours is so stupid it’s almost impressive-”

———

Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.

GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”

Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”

Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”

Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”

GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”

Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.

Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”

Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”

Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”

Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”

Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”

Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻‍♂️

“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”

Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!

The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.

And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.

(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)

Edit: there have been a bunch of awesome additions in the notes! My own take here.

#a few months later GL brings it up #like ‘ha ha remember funny joke’ #batman: ‘…joke?’ #justice league #😳 #yes joke #autistic batman #batman #brucie wayne #justice leauge shennanigans #batman the playboy

[mysterycitrus]

someone asked me a while ago but this is my personal ideal for the wayne sibs dynamic

#additionally — this is clearly a joke #tim drake #dick grayson #cassandra cain #damian wayne #batman #batfamily #nightwing #literally the plot of wolf king lmao

[jacocoon]

joker waiting for his batsy

#digital art #art #character art #artists on tumblr #artwork #my art #fanart #batjokes #batman #batman comics #joker #dc joker #batman x joker #joker fanart #meme #tumblr memes #humor #funny #jokes

[deansxharley]

listen, i have no idea what’s currently canon in dc comics and i really don’t care to BUT regardless of what continuity we’re in, i think jason todd might be the funniest character of all time. just the biggest hypocrite ever and i’m obsessed. like, so many people have pointed out how crazy it is to be pissed off at tim for replacing him as robin when he literally replaced dick while dick was still alive, but then to go and parade around bludhaven as a murderous nightwing while dick is (again) very much still alive and THEN form a team with dick’s ex girlfriend and best friend??? jason todd is THE definition of “replacement” or what the fuck ever he calls tim and i actually find it so funny. stay crazy girl <3

#not to mention the meta of it all #Jason’s original backstory being identical to dick’s because dc literally just NEEDED another robin #like my guy was intended to replace dick #that was his original narrative function #he’s unintentionally the funniest character ever #jason todd #red hood #robin #dc robin #robin and batman #dick grayson #nightwing #red hood and the outlaws #more like red hood and the in-laws #yes i know everyone’s made that joke before #tim drake #Red Robin #batman #dc comics #gotham #bludhaven #batfamily #batfam #dick and jason

[lygma-nygma]

Sometimes I try to live my life normally but then I remember that when Tim properly met Dick for the first time the man was in full clown makeup.

Theres a foreshadowing joke in that but I can’t quite put it into words.

#I don’t know if I want to make a circus joke or just call Dick a clown #Can’t say he didn’t warn Tim though #batfam #tim drake #dick grayson #please read A Lonely Place of Dying it’s lowkey hilarious #Like 90s Batman is so unserious and it’s trying so hard to be

[gotham-snark]

Damian's had a rough time lately 😨 go hurt some bad guys with your dad

#Damian wayne #damian al ghul #robin #batman #batman and robin #bruce wayne #dc comics #dc fan art #snark art #our boy needs a proper holiday that doesn't involve a death tournament #pack your bags Damian we're going to DINOSAUR ISLAND #I'm sure nothing bad will happen #wow this looks so much more saturated on my phone #JOKES ON YOU i LOVE super saturated colour pallettes ha ha #oversaturated pallettes give me MAGIC

[satoshy12]

The Jokes of the Ghost:

While de-aged, Danny stumbles into the Joker's hideout. Nothing special; it's a Clown. Well, Danny can prank him! The spirits around him all told him what they wanted to do to this clown. But no death, they don't want his ghost near Gotham, but very far away.

So Danny was causing harm with playful ghostly antics that turned the Joker's plans into comedy. Danny played pranks on the poor Joker for already one month. The Joker can't even leave the room without getting a bowling ball in his balls or a stumple to fall on his face. The money he stole is gone, the food he eats is rotten, or worse, his car is frozen solid, or his weapons are fake guns.

Much to the amusement of Gotham.

Then, one day, an angry joker and the police see who gave him all the problems. It was a meta! Dressed in a Bat Onesie.

#danny phantom #dp #dc #dcau #dc comics #danny fenton #dp x dc #dc x dp #dp + dc #batman #Joker #de-aged danny #de aged #baby Danny #toddler Danny #Gotham #Ghost of Gotham #humilating Jokes #Danny is dressed as Batman #a bat onesie!!

[azulhood]

I made another post about Danny and about how the justice league believes that something exists in the ghost zone then that makes it exist, but I had an idea since then.

So as a joke, John and Danny claim to be related. (Jazz, Dan, and Dani get in on it too.)

Batman: ...you have a family.

John: what? You think you're the only one with kids?

Batman: that *points at Dan* is a grown ass man.

Dan: hey dad, Jazz wants to know if you'll pick up some milk from the store, she says we're out.

John: sure, she want anything else?

Dan: nah but Dani wants you to grab some pizza while you're there.

Batman:....

And at some point, they start coming to him with their problems.

Dan needs a place to stay? Johns couch is free.

Danny needs help with schoolwork? John might not know what the answer is, but he'll try and help.

Jazz needs someone to rant to? She'll call John.

Dani needs help dismantling a cult? John will be right there in an hour.

They don't acknowledge it outloud, but if they have a problem John is the first person they think of to call for help.

The ghost zone and it's inhabitants also accept John as the ghost kids parent, like if they say it's true then it must be true.

Then they start changing just a bit.

Their hair gets lighter (closer to blonde) their eyes change by a couple shades, and unknown to them, their DNA changes.

And they don't really notice it...

Until they start developing magic.

And Jazz nearly kills someone with that magic when her breakfast attacks her.

#dpxdc #dcxdp #danny phantom #danny fenton #dp x dc #jazz fenton #dc x dp #batman #dani fenton #dani phantom #dan phantom #john constantine #john becomes a parent #because of a joke #and because he's the most reliable and trustworthy adult in their life

[willsonlmt]

Tim in the wayne manor living room telling bruce he is bisexual.

Tim: So yeah im bisexual.

Bruce: Well im proud of you no matter what and thank you for telling me.

Tim: Thanks Bruce.

Bruce: *sighs* Im glad that went well. I practiced alot for this.

Tim: You knew?!

Bruce: Oh no. I just thought itd be someone else coming out to me.

Tim: You thought it was gonna be Dick right?

Bruce: Absolutely.

A scoff comes from across the room. As they see Dick with his head in Wallys lap in the couch.

Dick: "how dare you say something so slanderous against me! You know what i dont have to take this verbal abuse." * Gets up and grabs Wallys hand.* "Come on honey were leaving."

Tim: Yeah i don't get how I'm the first.

#batfam #tim drake #bisexual #bruce wayne #dick grayson #red robin #nightwing #batman #are we sure he dick isnt bi #joke

[rezhood]

People say Jason was being over dramatic becoming Red Hood instead of just going home to Gotham after coming back to life but honestly if Talia had even one recording of any of the unhinged insults Bruce canonically said about Jason while he was dead I think it becomes completely understandable if not a mild reaction

#jason todd #red hood #Batman #bruce wayne #slandering Jason was his only emotional for a decade #not even a joke #if I had a dime for every time Bruce said I love you to Jason in a issue I’d have ten cents #but if I had a dime for every time Bruce said something out of pocket about his dead son I could make a car payment

[irregularjohnnywiggins]

You ever have those moments where an idea just... won't leave your head?

#dcu #batman #bruce wayne #green arrow #oliver queen #fake tweets #things I was not able to adequately convey in the format: #obviously Bruce's reasoning is really a lot closer to Ollie's but Bruce has a secret identity to maintain and Ollie... well #I don't know if you can make it out but his twitter profile pic is him in the Green Arrow costume and that's not accidental #also I am pretty sure that Bruce does just have the first airing date of The Price is Right saved in a corner of his mind palace #just in case it's ever relevant to a case #and he's angry at Ollie because Ollie knows that and also knows Bruce can't admit it because it would raise too many questions #also I did consider an extra scene where they tag-team harass Lex #but it just didn't sound right to me #also I put a whole load of Green Arrow references in here #Q-Core N_Singh and H_Fyff are all from the Nu52 Green Arrow runs #albeit Naomi and Henry are at least in the good Nu52 runs #obviously this is post-Snowbirds Don't Fly/Hard Travelling Heroes in general so Oliver is trolling Hal and setting up needle exchanges #and even Hal explaining to Ollie what Twilight is is a reference to one of the most dated things about the Arrow pilot: #the extremely tacky Twilight joke #anyway hope you enjoyed!

[elkscreams]

New sibling lore just dropped

#myart #my art #is he joking? is he serious? that's up to y'all #batman #batman fanart #bruce wayne #clark kent #superbat #superman #nightwing #dick grayson #tim drake #red robin #damian wayne al ghul #damian wayne #batman and robin #robin #jason todd #red hood #cassandra cain #black bat #batdad #batfamily #batbros

[sasswonfp]

This joke came to me in a fit of laughter (ALT description provided :3!)

#superman #batman #the flash #flash #wally west #bruce wayne #clark kent #justice leauge unlimited #justice league #abruptly I was hit with this joke when I made one abt myself being always 2 seconds away from crying and realised it worked oh so well #i had so much fun drawing this #esp bc i was really trying to find a good medium between my style and the jlu style #super blocky but also a bit more realistic than jlu #batman is so shape and i fucking love it #literally i just drew his outline i didn't even bother with the rest of it #gremlin fucking creature. man who is just an object #this is my first time ever doing like an actual attempt at dc- #homegrown art

[icantdrawrt]

I APPRECIATE THEM CLARK 😭

#superman #superbat #batman #clark kent #kal el #he’s a funny guy #silly and goofy #cutie patootie #that was a good joke

[frownyalfred]

Bruce Wayne, playboy billionaire: oh yeah I'm so chill all the time, it's all about having fun you know!

Bruce Wayne when a reporter gets within .1 inches of one of his kids:

#sorry i know it's shitty but #i made it for another joke and I feel like i have to use it somewhere #bruce wayne #batman #dc #batfamily #bruce 'actually i'm ok with murder now' wayne

[bobbinalong]

i've been meaning to do this with this drawing.

#dc #dc comics #fanart #bobbinart #tim drake #stephanie brown #robin #robin!steph #damian wayne #batman #batman!damian #but like. in a joke-y way y'know #batfam #timsteph #this doesn't line up perfectly. what can i say i am lazy