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sunny-reis · 10 months

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hcs - enha as college students

notes: this isn't even an x reader (it may be in the future 👀) lmao, this is all lighthearted and i by no means intend to insult or deface any of the enhas or see them fr fr this way

heeseung: comp sci major w/a music minor

deep down would definitely want his degrees to be the other way around

but he would probs realize cs just leads to more of a stable job (not with ai on the rise tho 😍 we love going into a doomed field of study)

(as a cs kid i’m ABSOLUTELY projecting onto my little headcanons about him)

i think..he’d be a NORMAL person that enjoys programming more than learning abt computer hardware or theory

seeing as he’s normal he’d HATEEEEE object-oriented programming (the complex part of programming OUGHGG)

he’d probably know exactly what to minor in for his dream job: music production

he’d DEFINITELYYY be in the school orchestra as a piano

he’s not mysterious enough for a bass, annoying enough for a violin or trumpet, or quirky enough for a cello

he’s an attention whore he wouldn’t even LOOK at the violas 💀

but yeah overall i think he’d know his plans for the future down to a T

probs has an internship at microsoft (derogatory)

now for the most important question

would he be a tech bro?

absolutely NOT

for those that aren’t as familiar with tech bros

just imagine a redditor alpha male with horribly gelled hair that brings the LOUDEST gaming pc to class with a horribly oiled, light-up keyboard, and makes sleazy comments about the one or two girls in every comp sci class

in other words: a woman in cs’ worst nightmare (send help i’m one of TWO girls in a class full of tech bros.)

but yeah he wouldn’t be like that at all

he’d definitely suck at rizzing up women (bro plays LoL in 2023, the year of our lord, need i elaborate?)

i can easily imagine him coming into class with gray sweatpants, a white t-shirt and flannel over, and a double-shot coffee from starbucks every day

he’d probably be the most decent-looking dude in every cs-related class i can’t even lie

for the dudes reading this: if you ever need an ego boost, do basic self-care and dress well (maybe even put on basic makeup), and join a cs class

the amount of mid ass incels with no concept of self-care will immediately make you the most attractive man in the class i kid you not

neways enough of me projecting 💀

as a music student

i could absolutely see him eat up every composition assignment (where you compose your own piece of music)

although i feel like he’d have a teacher that prefers classical music that’d be PISSED every time he submits something non-conventional

omg imagine him composing a whole dubstep instrumental for class

if the music production thing doesn’t work out he’d start a band with a bunch of losers in his dad’s garage and make horrible music that’d still get a decent amount of listens and attention bc he’s hot

it’s giving fallout boy but not emo

maybe shitty indie at best

more utc !

jay: english major w/a philosophy minor

first of all

his ass would NOT know philosophy is mostly math before signing up

i don’t think he’d be bad at math at all but he’d fs be regretting it all

but then he’d debate dropping out until whoop there’s only a semester left until it’s over. too late.

he’d dress up for every class for SUREEE

one word: beige.

he IS light academia pinterest

studyblr WISHES it was him fr

macbook user. i don’t need to explain.

he’d probably have his life together on the outside

bullet journal and aesthetic notion and all

i feel like he’d prefer discussions and deep thought (hence the philosophy) and debates over analysis

he’d LOVE discussing his thoughts abt different texts in class

he would NOT like writing out analyses abt random ass stories tho (hs english was a NIGHTMARE)

argumentative essays are his BITCH fr

i think he’d lose points for focusing more on broader concepts and going just a tad too off-topic in analytical essays, instead of focusing on details and cause-effect relationships and all that

now for the important part: his life outside of college

ik for a FACT he’d be the most likely to have a thriving social life outside of school out of all of enha

don’t @ me it’s not my fault the rest of them are MAIDENLESS – heeseung plays LEAGUE for crying out loud !!

probably goes out to the mall or new attractions like museums every weekend

even tho he minors in arguably one of the hardest fields of study ??

bro would finish up calc III homework in less than an hour 🤯

i bet he’d be there on a scholarship too 😒lucky ass

jake: international relations (global politics) major, no minor

note: ik the average writer would probs make him a physics major but that’s BOOOORING and overdone, plus i just don’t see it 🤷

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTE !!! IR ≠ political science !!! IR focuses on politics around the world, pol sci is more of how internal governments work

(i’m also heavily projecting here bc i’m a politics student send your prayers please and thank you)

i pity IR majors

this boy is TIRED 25/8

tbh the thing with IR isn’t that the content’s hard

a (paraphrased) quote from my IR teacher: “political scientists are lazy, all they do is come up with generic concepts and slap an ‘-ism’ at the end”

it’s moreso the reading and writing.

god the reading.

politics textbooks are so big and expensive it hurts my wallet just to look at the library-issued textbook i have

he’d be running on caffeine and a prayer, no sleep we die like men

not that he’d be a bad student !!

i could definitely see him being that one student that asks the teacher the silent questions no one asks bc they think it’ll make them look stupid (ie. asking them to repeat what they just said or explain a not-so-complex theory)

would definitely word vomit about politics, current and past, to the rest of the enhas (but just to make sure he remembers it all, you gotta respect the grind man)

none of them would understand a thing

jake: “yeah so it’s stupid how there are a whole bunch of states fighting over the south china sea when it’s technically international waters [please don’t quote me on this it’s like 2 am and i’m pulling stuff out of my ass] and therefore has no legal ‘owner’ haha isn’t that stupid?”

the rest of enha, maybe except for jay: 👁️👄👁️

jay: “ermmm akshully 🤓👆it’s in the name, china has legal rights over the south CHINA sea bc it borders it”

i can picture it vividly

imma be honest this man would be a MESS

he’d probably make (futile) attempts to get his shit together like a notion pro subscription, trying to sleep on time, a gym membership, you name it

sadly that’s just the life of a politics student

it’s so hectic it’d be hard to keep up with, but it’s jake, he’d somehow stay afloat

he’d probably come to his minimum wage job after class half-dead but his manager and coworkers would take pity on him and let him sleep in the janitor’s closet

would probably be clinging to the whole “just get through tomorrow and it’ll get better” mentality

it does not. sigh

sunghoon: undeclared until sophomnore (second) year, kinesiology (bio?) major

man honestly

this mf would be irrelevant

probs has a generic major and says absolutely nothing in class

if you blink he’d probs disappear

i feel like he’d initially wanna go for med but then he’d hear about the whole you’re-gonna-sacrifice-the-best-years-of-your-life-for-this-field-of-study thing and said NOPE lmao

which is reasonable

with the amount of ppl doing med in the world he wouldn’t think it’d make a difference if he decided to switch

i feel like he’d just be there for the ride 💀smth abt wanting to “experience all life has to offer” (not in a rich, just here for the business degree way, but more of an “i don’t need a degree to get a job but it might make it easier” way)

so yeah he decides to major in kinesiology, the study of movement according to google

disclaimer i’m not a bio person at ALL so any misinformation is completely unintentional and i will NOT be held at gunpoint to do research about a college major for HEADCANONS at ass o’clock in the morning

neways

he has a decently light workload and therefore a healthy amount of free time

on the occasional he does get a painful assignment he’d procrastinate until he’d staying up and cussing out his past self for not doing it earlier

tbh i don’t think he’d be a horrible OR amazing student

he’s truly MID mid

maybe an average of like … 75% which really isn’t bad tbh the american education system has conditioned us into thinking it is but let’s be fr other than philly cheese steaks what exactly have we ever gotten right.

….neways again

he’d be something like a jack of all trades, master of none

overall a chill guy 9/10 would be fun to hang out with

now for the best part

frat boy sunghoon

idk anything abt frat or sorority life – i’m asian the only thing close to a sorority i’d be in would be like … the school orchestra or book club 💀my parents would kill me – so don’t take everything i say for gospel

you bet your ass he’d be at every party

100% for the booze and vibes he wouldn’t even be there to flirt or rizz ppl up (he’s a self-aware man he knows he has negative rizz but that’s what makes him so ALLURING)

wouldn’t get high or anything tho he’s not all abt that life (that life being running away from the popo)

i’d trust him to walk me home tbh

he wouldn’t hurt a fly the most he’d do is like … attempt to verbally abuse jay

sunoo: art major, english lit. minor

you saw it coming don’t lie

NEWAYS

he’d be amazing at art honestly

making a portfolio would be his Thing yk

yk those big artists that are all about “working on the impulse” and not doing anything until they do ridiculous shit to get over art block

that’s him

but he slays every time he gets over it

god i feel like he’d be the perfect college friend after jay

he definitely has his shit together

i’m talking he does his assignments on time, probably has a half-paid merit scholarship, works a decent job at a taco bell just off of campus, and somehow has a will to live and time to go to the mall every weekend

the thing is, he’s not the most perfect college friend bc he’s slightly more fun-focused and free-spirited than jay, who’s a perfect mix of both

neways no more talking abt other enhas it’s sunoo’s time to shine 😠

i bet his dorm would be the most organized and decorated too oughhgh

he’d be the lucky mf that gets the biggest dorm on the first floor (with like two other roommates but they respect his privacy and all that)

he’d probably be able to get away with dorm policy violations (ie. cooking with an iron or something Not meant for cooking in his dorm instead of the nasty ass moldy ass communal kitchen) by batting his eyelashes and sweet-talking to the woman that oversees the dorms or smth (i’m blanking and i completely forgot what it’s called)

overall the luckiest bitch ever

we should all aspire to be sunoo tbh

if you’re a man and you’re not sunoo … thin fucking ice. do better. /hj

jungwon: biochem major, going for med (specifically oncology, the study of cancer?)

sorry in advance to any ppl in medical 🫶i’m gonna get every part of this wrong lmao

he’s one of Those Guys that’s known exactly what they’re doing since like … middle school

important question: would it be bc he gave into the classic asian parent pressure into becoming a doctor?

they might've played a tiny role in it but i think he'd genuinely wanna go into medical bc he's insane

definitely gets the best scores out of everyone in his class (idk if they use bell curves in med but if not he’d get solid 90s on everything)

i could see him with his life together tbh

homework always done a week before, healthy lunches he makes himself, clear skin, all that jazz

definitely has a merit-based scholarship

probably got a 1560 on the SAT too 😒 lucky ass bitch

i hate to say it

i really do

but he'd be the mf that reminds the teacher abt homework

“ermmmm mr. kim you said we had a pop quiz at the end of class” followed by him being beaten to a pulp

(w reaction/lh)

really cares about getting into a good med school

would DEFINITELY have like two internships every summer

so to recap: basically every asian med student ever (i’m friends with far too many rip med kids)

at least they won't be replaced with ai …

heeseung crying in the distance

NEWAYS

for a med student i feel like he’d be busy 24/7 but he wouldn’t Look like it?

like if you’ve seen a med student, even in hs, they look like they lost a fight to a rabid raccoon

but for some reason jungwon has his shit together like the neurotypical know-it-all he is 😒/lh please don’t kill me

seeing as he’s known what he wants to do since like … middle school in this au, i think he’d fs be on top of all the content he’s learned, if not ahead of everyone else

i’d trust him to be my doctor 🫡

actually no i wouldn’t

riki: theater major w/a visual art minor (get it bc he’s a minor) (i’m hilarious LAUGH)

he’s a quiet little guy, definitely sits in the back of the lecture hall

would milk the SHIT out of being a minority for scholarships and applications

i'm talking his common app essay abt being socially isolated and politically aware, i'm talking abt using any and all minority scholarships possible – in the eyes of the law (and the college board), riki is now half hispanic

i’d say his grades would be pretty decent, not much in the A+ zone (96-100) but at the very least, B+’s

really not that bad tbh

he’d SO be a theater kid in hs

tell me he wouldn't be those mfs that have the whole hamilton soundtrack memorized and break out into random song and dance at inappropriate times

i bet he’d ship hamilton and laurens 💀

neways

i feel like he'd like art as a class but suck at meeting deadlines and portfolio assignments n stuff

which is valid tbh i don’t think any kind of teacher of the arts (not just visual) should be too strict abt that

classes with him and sunoo would make him INSUFFERABLE omg

if you put them next to e/o they won't shut up

which is cute don't get me wrong

but makes trying to work IMPOSSIBLE

but when they're separated he’d be dead silent

you wouldn't even notice he's there tbh

overall a dedicated student with the occasional tendency to be silly and goofy

i feel like his resume would be pretty to make up for the lack of content actually on it

i'm talking canva pro graphics, fancy fonts, graphic design is his passion (not literally)

logically the best career path for him based on his degrees would be a set designer …

but obv he’s either an actor or the manager

probably an actor being a stage manager SUCKS

(don’t get me wrong it’s fun i’ve done it before but oh my GOD. if you ever wanna lose hair really fast become a backstage manager it’ll work 100%)

bonus: best-dressed in class

sunoo - you’ll never catch him slipping tbh 🤷 he’d have the most free time out of the others and would probably spend his time going out and putting together silly little outfits and being cute and adorable bc it’s kim sunoo That’s Just How He Is

jay - light academia light academia light academia light academia light academia

sunghoon (unintentionally) - his sense of style in college would be mid, truly meh, nothing special to look at but his looks make up for the boring attire (hubba hubba 😍) – the type to wear a white t-shirt, timbs, and jeans to class every day (get it 2017 jungkook 😍), maybe even a jacket. his sense of style would be as spicy as salt so not spicy at all, it’s giving unseasoned, boiled chicken

riki - he just Doesn’t Care but thankfully all the items in his closet would be usable (thanks to sunoo, that man would NOT let riki leave the house without running his outfits by him. his logic is that no best friend of his should look like a dumpsterfire !!)

jungwon - similar to jake, no time !! matching sweatshirts and sweatpants ftw

jake - politics majors have no sanity or connection to the real world bc it drives you INSANE after a month, cut him some slack :(

heeseung - the venn diagram of ppl with no sense of fashion and cs majors is a circle.

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thatsnotbuddies · 1 year

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g’s hrpf recs

okok this blog exists bc one day I clicked on a tknp fic in some random person’s bookmarks just because it seemed interesting and the rest is history

so it’s only right i make a list of my fave fics I’ve read since then

here goes

⭐ = ultimate faves

I’ve got about . 200 hrpf bookmarks on ao3 but these are the ones that I think about a lot/have re-read more than twice. there’s soo much more I could rec, if you want a list for a specific pairing lmk??

TKNP

colours i can't see (with anyone else) - (E, 7,357 words) ⭐

Travis gets the call about two weeks before he stands before the team, helmet dangling from his fingertips and heart beating against his chest like it wants to crack through his ribs.

“I’m moving to Toronto.”

The silence that washes through the locker room is deafening. No one says anything for a long 30 seconds. The only sound is that of skate guards squeaking against the floor.

Nolan is the one who breaks the silence. “What the fuck? They can’t trade you.” And Travis winces and Nolan widens his eyes like a deer caught in headlights and someone to his left sighs. “Oh.”

Notes: The conversation in the second to last scene gets me Every Time 😭

vision trick - (E, 21,528 words)

Pat’s new house is haunted.

Notes: I’m an Interstellar (2014), Contact (1997), love-transcending-all-dimensions-including-time girlie so this is. everything. to me.

JOEL FARABEE/MORGAN FROST

letters from allentown (T, 4,539 words) ⭐

“Hahahah the flyers are shit,” Morgan tweets, sometime in early November of 2013. He's probably not expecting a pissy pre-teen from Cicero, New York to slide into his DMs and start up a four year argument over whether or not the Flyers suck, right up until Morgan turns eighteen and gets drafted by the Flyers himself.

Notes: This is THEE quintessential joel/morgan fic to me

in my defense, spring - (T, 2,764 words, Magical Realism) ⭐

Morgan gets called up a month into the season. He arrives in Philly with three suits, two duffle bags full of gear, and a very large potted basil plant.

Notes: I went on a magical realism bender for a bit and this is one of the faves. Frosty as a spring witch born into a winter witch family :’) Taking care of all his plants :’)

MCSTROME

The Next Next One (M, 71,275 words) ⭐

No, Dylan has not picked up a copy of the book, nor does he plan to anytime soon. No, he has not talked to Connor about it. He hasn’t talked to Connor about anything in a long time, but the media does not need to know that.

Notes: This is number one all time fave. It turns me inside out every time I read it. So well written down to the fake book snippets!!!! You could take this and make a movie adaptation of it and it would kill at the box office.

MATTDRAI

how lovely are thy branches (M, 5271 words) (also Tim Stutzle/Brady Tkachuk)

“What is it about my family that makes us so damn irresistible to you Germans?”

Notes: This is just such a laugh, I love it

JOEL FARABEE/CARTER HART (you know when you’re not that invested in a pairing but some of the writing for it is just so good? this is me with this)

pour some sugar on him and blame it on the rain - (T, 5,719 words, Magical Realism)

Carter is a witch working the convenience store night shift. Joel is a regular customer who just can’t seem to stop getting cursed. Morgan is mostly along for the ride.

Notes: Fun! Shenanigans!

You look so sweet in the heat of the summer (E, 5,319 words)

Carter's fed up with feeling like he’s wasting his summer, out of sync with his friends, watching the days dwindle down with nothing to show for it.

He’s not sure what he expects Joel to be able to do about that feeling, but at least he’s a promised distraction.

Notes: This is so great at capturing a Very Specific summer vibe. End notes changed my whole opinion on ‘Tis The Damn Season, lmao. I cry now.

#one thing about me is I will read an hrpf fic if it seems interesting I don't even have to follow the team or know the guys lmfao #this list has the mainstays though. i'll make a misc list later #hrpf #fic recs #fun fact there was a period of time where I just read tknp fics not knowing what they looked like . insane #thatsnotbuddies fic recs

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damistrolls · 2 years

Note

all even numbers for magpie 🔫

this is what i get for asking u 2 do all odds for lekthi,,,,, ok here we go

(i’m gonna put most of it under the cut bc its long)

2. How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’?

honestly 'friend' can mean MANY things for magpie, so id say he uses the word extremely liberally. actual friends are his friends, but also people he sleeps with on the reg are his friends, and also that inanimate object over there is his friend. hes just very friendly. when hes not thinking abt murder id like 2 think his brain is like those old posters from elementary school where everyone is holding hands across the entire world. everyone and everything would be his friend if he had it his way

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

hmhmhm... hes mostly kept up with his hobbies, but i suppose he hasnt practiced with ALL the instruments he learned in the past. he mostly just plays piano these days, so i can see him maybe missing violin and flute a lil :]

6. What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before?

bold of u to assume magpie keeps any of his interests to himself. hes extremely keen on sharing anything and everything. you WILL be recommended his favorites

8. How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

just like the friend question, he uses 'i love you' very liberally as well. but it almost ALWAYS means a lot <3 just cause he says it often doesnt mean its not meaningful

10. What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

he's got a plethora of corvid facts to share with people, but he especially likes talking about how smart and talented they are. some of the facts he brings up are that they can recognize themselves in the mirror, know people by their faces, and can even mimic speech!

12. What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

this image specifically

14. How do they put out a candle?

blows it out!

16. What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?

he isn't really the arguing sort unfortunately. but sometimes he does think about what he might say if he ever stood up to fansia

not that he'd ever actually do it :( hes scared of her

18. Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?

lupo first and foremost. but also lekthi, weasel, and rosira

... and also like ALL of his friends. theres so much love in this little guy

20. Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person?

he doesnt have a lot of hate in his heart, but the things he does hate tend to be kinda all-encompassing. if he doesn't like your work, he probably wont like you, and if he doesnt like you, he probably wont like your work. theres probably exceptions, but i couldnt give you an example sdfhjdfs

22. What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character?

hes not scared of much honestly! but theres a lot of things that most people do that he just straight up sucks at, like cooking, cleaning, and driving. frankly, it would be better if he WAS scared of doing these things bc he's nearly burned down lekthi's hive because of how eager he was to try and cook for the guy. someone give this guy a healthy amount of caution please

24. Did they take a cookie from the cookie jar? What kind of cookie was it?

he absolutely took a cookie from the cookie jar. a snickerdoodle one <3

26. How would they respond to being fired by a good boss?

that depends on whether the job was for him or for fansia. if it was for him, it would just roll off his back no problem. if it was for fansia, he would beg and cry and plead to be let back in so he doesnt need to face her U_U

28. What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?

what he says and what he actually wants tends to align pretty well! he just wants to feel free and have fun with his life. he's absolutely desperate to do things that feel good, even if it inconveniences or even hurts others, and he'll say just as much if asked. his motives arent a secret at all

30. When they make a mistake and feel bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional?

he mainly only feels guilt when it comes to personal relationships. for example, when he messes up in his professional life, he'd only feel guilty about it because it impacts his relationship with fansia, not because it impacts his job

32. If they committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?

this man commits SEVERAL misdemeanors and also serious crimes every single day, he wouldnt just be committing one, he'd be going down the fuckin catalog like its a to-do list. as for why, why not?

34. How do they greet someone they like / love?

with a tight hug and maybe even a kiss on the cheek <3

36. Who do they keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent?

well, HE doesnt keep people in his life for professional gain, but fansia sure pushes people into his life for professional gain. theres a lot of names he needs to remember when he's dragged to the fancy parties and get-togethers he hates

38. What hobby are they good at in private, but bad at in front of others? Why?

mmmm... none? he's a performer at heart, and hes not shy at all. he'll sing, dance, play music, and even strip in front of a HUGE crowd, and there will be no impact on the quality of his performance. that stuff just doesnt faze him

40. How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?

frankly im not sure what this means. if its straight up just literal handshake strength, i really dont think he really cares about the firmness of someone's grip gfdhsjfd

42. If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

oh i feel like he'd probably talk about authenticity and honesty in life, relationships, and art. he has a lot to say regarding how unhappy dishonest people tend to be, and how much brighter life is when you approach it with utmost sincerity

44. What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why?

he's already a polyglot, so its hard to say! once you learn a few languages, others just come a little more naturally, since you start noticing similar patterns and such. but i think german or french would probably be his next choices to learn, if only because there's quite a few operas in those languages, so he already has some exposure

46. Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

both? he likes striking a healthy balance of the two. he loves listening to other people talk about things theyre passionate about, but he ALSO has a lot of passion and often wants to ramble about his own interests

48. Who would they say ‘yes’ to if invited to do something they abhorred / strongly didn’t want to do?

its extremely rare for him to say yes to things he doesnt want to do. even his close friends would have trouble dragging him somewhere he doesnt want to go. but fansia says jump and he asks how high U_U she doesn't even need to argue with him. it's always "yes ma'am" when it comes to mother dearest

50. What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with?

funnily enough, i agree with a lot of magpie's beliefs, he just tends to take them WAY too far. hes a good guy at heart, he just thinks murder is a fun cool way to spend his weekend, and idk, call me a buzzkill but i just dont think i could brutally murder someone and then sit back down to finish my tea like ooh so scrummy <3 i love post-murder sippies

its funny though, magpie was created with my therapist as like... a little bit of a role model??? NOT the murder part of course, but rather the fact that he acts without considering other people's feelings, which is something i always wished i could do

i used to agonize over making everyone happy at my own expense, and i suppose i still do that, albeit to a lesser extent, but magpie legitimately did help me realize that it was okay to inconvenience the people around me. you cant pour from an empty vessel, you feel? sometimes you need to be unavailable to your friends, or say no when something feels bad, or back out if ur not enjoying urself, etc.

magpie helped me understand that. he helped me practice it in a safe way. theres a reason why he means so much to me dsfhjfjsdfds

52. Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?

oh my god. emotions. 100%. hes an act first, think later kinda guy

54. What’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation?

funnily, despite the fact that he tends to only look out for himself and his own needs, he tends to fawn. when it comes to dealing with fansia, the easiest way to placate her is to be extremely obedient and agreeable and to never argue, so its a bit of a learned response. he can avoid trouble the most if he just does what she wants and avoids conflict

kinda explains why hes so desperate to feel free and act without thinking about anyone else otherwise

56. If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

it used to just be lupo, but now he also goes to lekthi when hes scared or upset. he feels comfortable being vulnerable around them. he might also go to his other friends, and potentially even noboru if he's really desperate, but his first choices would absolutely be either lupo or lekthi, or both of them

though, in rare situations, he might actually go to fansia for comfort

58. How many hobbies have they attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?

god, magpie is a real renaissance man. hes tried out SO many different hobbies, too many to count, and he still tries out new things all the time. he thinks variety is the spice of life, and he really does love learning new skills, even if he doesnt always end up sticking with them. a lot of the hobbies he's tried out are pretty artsy, but he'll honestly give anything a shot

#WHEW.... that was long #very happy tho it was fun #magpie #fucked up #ask meme

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juvederm · 7 months

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blarg

honestly . this is such a non issue. but since it has to do w my special interest it's hard to not feel strongly about it. i truly do feel like i'm not well liked in the ud fandom. and maybe that's just my anxiety and trust me i'm not fishing or anything it's just how i feel and how i have felt since i've been here

i made that post abt how the fandom was shit bc of the arguments and the entitlement. a part of me is like um bitch you contributed and sometimes i can't tell if i have or not. i know it's cuz like i genuinely don't play about this game (unserious btw) and i know it inside and out and i know every dialogue option and could probably recite the game in its entirety depending on what ending and routes you want me to do

i do wish i was normal abt it though 😭 i see how laidback everyone else is as they discuss it and i'm like hhhh i have so many words and thoughts and i could go on about it and sometimes i feel like that's me forcing my opinions on others. even tho i love hearing other povs.

i thought the reason why i wasn't liked as much was bc of my opinions bc i don't think i hold back. i do get nervous about posting like all the fucking time bc i just don't want to argue with anyone, even though at times there's some... angering takes but i mostly try to ignore them

at the same time though i don't know if i'm disliked or not. sometimes i'm like Oh it's prob cuz i draw and talk about the same character. like trust me i've noticed that when i draw the others they get more likes lmfaooaoa. i wish that kinda stuff didn't matter to me but as an artist who's kinda been bogged down for my art, i valued it a lot even though i suck at accepting compliments (bc i used to hardly get them)

nobody has to read this but i appreciate if you did or got this far loool i have just a lot of feelings and thoughts and i never really stop thinking or talking about this game. like every idea i have is content for the game, and i feel like people are sick of me. it's just kinda hard to Not. i never really figured that out. i've lost interest in previous things before yk like that were kinda on this same level, but that happened without thinking about it

and if i think about losing this interest it makes me really anxious lmfoasioasidh i know that's unserious but it's just how i feel

#sorry mutuals who dgaf abt this game or anything #like if i ever spammed your TL with it i apologize 😭

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hua-fei-hua · 3 years

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i know that a lot of the times, soulmate aus are rlly amatonormative n stuff, but years ago when i had a stint in voltron, i read a soulmate au where everyone had a soulmate, but they weren’t necessarily romantic. like sometimes you were meant to be best friends, or sometimes they were familial bonds or smth n i was like “wait you can do that w/soulmate aus???”

personally, i really really like the idea of a soulmate au where your soulmate changes through time as you both grow and change. like you have a soulmate out there (again, not necessarily romantic), as in the person with which you get along best, who matches your soul like that, but if neither of you put in the work to keep things that way, your soulmate can change.

i think that would put a lot of the romanticism into the work it takes to love someone, and how to love someone is most often a choice we have to make over and over again, and i just think that’s lovely

#smth else i've been thinking abt a lot lately since teh road trip is the autonomy of falling in love #like do you care abt someone because you love them? or do you love them because you care about them?#and also like you can't necessarily control who you fall in love with. that's kind of scary no? why can't we have a say in these things?#personally i'm inclined to believe that we love people because we cared about them first #but i think i'm also just romanticizing like that #like genuinely just romanticizing the idea of loving and caring for someone like that #bc in my own grey-aro experiences of 'rarely falls in love' i've been doomed DOOMED i say to only ever have love at first sight #and so in my experiences it's usually 'i care about you bc i have feelings for you'#but i don't wanna believe in that!!! that sucks!!!! just objectively!!!!!!!!!!#to me it feels like caring about them is dependent on how you feel abt them but feelings go away #like yeah after the initial high of the feelings are gone you can continue to choose to care abt them. and that's still love i think #but just. the lack of autonomy in that method of falling in love. that's not quite the best wording for it but it's what i have rn #idk. it's almost sickening you could say. to have no control and yet to yearn.#on the outside looking in it's like. isn't that just disgustingly selfish? there's so much to *hate* when you think too carefully abt it #idk i hope to find the words to fully argue with myself over this in writing zenith #i touched on all this very briefly in the messy megumi segment of the current oneshot wip i mentioned a few days ago #y'know the one i wrote by hand on The Road Trip(tm) this week that's like 8k words estimate final projections 9-10k #but since the way it was written (as like a breakdown) feels rlly ooc it's probably going to be cut from the final draft of that oneshot #there's other stuff in that oneshot i hope to explore further in zenith. mostly more selfish/selfless arguments #but the autonomy of falling in love. i think i might like to explore that too. it's tugging at me #anyway i've babbled long enough in the tags #花話

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rafecameron · 4 years

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Hospital For Souls

Summary: Rafe decides that instead of the usual halloween parties the kooks would attend this year the perfect way to celebrate the spooky evening would be to explore the abandoned building he found the week before. This is for @bricksatanakinswindow spooky writing challenge!

Pairing: Kooks x Reader (a lil Topper x Reader)

Word Count: 4.5K

A/N: Okay so I’ve never written anything scary before so this probably sucks ass and isn’t even scary. But that being said I have tagged people who have asked to be tagged in my work but if you don’t want to read anything horror related please don’t feel the need to, I won't be offended! Also the first half is proof read and the rest isn’t bc lazy.

*GIF is mine*

“Rafe where are we going?” You ask with an exasperated sigh, every time you asked your best friend for any kind of hint to where you were going he’d simply tell you you’re almost there.

“Yeah man we’ve been walking for ages.” Topper complains from beside you.

“Look, we’re almost there okay?” Rafe turns to shoot you all a glare, “Just stop asking!”

You let out a groan but shut up as you follow after him, sharing an annoyed look with the two boys beside you. Rafe had driven you all out to the cut as soon as it started to get dark, parked up in the middle of nowhere, and insisted you all follow him into the trees. If you didn’t know him any better you’d think he was going to murder the three of you and bury you out here. But the backpack slung over his shoulder wasn’t big enough to hold a shovel so you were sure you would be okay.

Deep inside the tree’s you finally come to a stop outside a building. From the front it looks no bigger than your house, but you can see that it goes a lot further back. The windows are boarded up, graffiti littering the exterior of the building.

“What the hell is this place?” Kelce asks as Rafe heads up the crumbling stone steps.

Rafe simply shrugs, “No idea.”

“Great explanation.” You roll your eyes waiting at the bottom of the steps with Topper, “How did you find it?”

“Yeah, what the hell were you doing out here?” Topper questions.

“I found it after getting into an argument with my dad. Drove out here, got out the car to smoke and just found it.” He says, like walking through the woods in the cut alone to smoke was a totally normal thing to do.

He pulls out what look like bolt cutters from his bag and starts attacking the chains on the doors, you raise a trimmed brow and turn to give Topper a ‘what the hell??’ look.

“Uh, Rafe? What are you doing?” You ask.

“Trying to get inside.” He says through gritted teeth as he squeezes the chain between the blades.

Kelce stands with his arms crossed, back leaning against the wall watching his friend fight with the metal, “Why would we want to go inside?” He asks.

“To look around?” Rafe poses it as a question, letting out a whoop when the chain finally breaks in two, “Unless you’re scared?” He turns to you with a challenging grin.

“Scared? No.” You shake your head, “Doesn’t mean I want to go in there. We’ll probably fall through the floor or something.”

“Yeah I’m with y/n on this one, doesn’t exactly look like it’s had a safety check in a good couple of years.” Topper tilts his head to look up at his friends on the steps.

“Fine, stay here then, if you’re scared.” Rafe taunts before disappearing inside, Kelce hot on his heels with a laugh.

“Seriously?” You groan. You share a look with the boy beside you before letting out a sigh and starting up the steps.

The inside was pitch black, you could barely see a hand in front of your face let alone where you were walking.

“Guys?” Topper calls out, you feel his hand brush against your arm as he tries to feel his way around.

You’re suddenly blinded by a bright light, causing you to stumble back into something hard, “What the hell?” You shout covering your eyes as Rafe laughs from behind the light.

“Figured we’d need these.” He says chucking the torch at you, you fumbled to catch it, rubbing your lower back which had hit the cabinet behind you.

“You’re an asshole.” You grumble.

You shine the light down at the floor in front of you, it’s covered in years worth of dust, clouds of it floating up into the air as your friends distrubed it. You point the torch around the room, looking at the array of abandoned furniture, none of it giving off any indication as to what this building used to be.

“I’m so glad this is where we’re spending our Saturday night.” Topper comments, tapping his torch against his palm to get it working.

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Rafe asks, his voice far away as he heads deeper into the building.

“Since when were you the adventurous type?” You call after him.

The rooms smelt musty and old, the building itself seemed older than any other on the island you had seen. The doors were thick and wooden, the cement of the walls starting to crack and crumble due to years of neglect. You couldn’t help but turn your nose up at the entire evening. You would have much rather spent the night at a party getting stupidly drunk, like you were sure every other teen on the island was.

“Where did they even go?” You mutter mostly to yourself, Rafe and Kelce had disappeared down the dark hallway and you could no longer see the light from their flashlights.

“Do you want to wait outside?” Topper asks, sounding half bored and half scared.

You considered it, already sick of breathing in the polluted air but ultimately you shook your head, “It’s dark, one of them could fall and hurt themselves.”

Topper nods and follows you through the cluttered hallway. You shine your light into each room, illuminating its contents but not seeing your friends anywhere.

“I think this was a school or something.” Topper comments, his light landing on chairs and desks spread around one of the rooms, a blackboard propped against the wall still had squiggles of chalk on it.

“Maybe.” You murmur.

You weren’t sure if this really was a school or if people had used this place as a dumping ground for old furniture before finally abandoning it. Either way, you didn’t care. You just wanted to find your friends and get out of there. You were admittedly starting to get a little creeped out. You’d never been in a place so deathly quiet before. It was almost as if even your breathing and footsteps had been muted. In a place where you expected to hear echoes you were met with nothing but silence. It was eerie.

“Guys?” You call out, “C’mon we’re gonna get lost in here!”

You shoot a worried glance to Topper at the lack of reply from your friends, already concerned something had happened to one of them.

“They’re trying to fuck with us.” Topper grumbles and although you agree it’s likely, you had known Rafe your whole life after all, you were still worried about one of them falling and breaking their neck in the dark.

It wasn’t until you had been searching for at least another five minutes that you hear Rafe’s voice calling you from a distance.

“Get over here!” He calls, a light appearing down the bottom of the hallway.

You huff out and hurry towards the light, Topper close on your heels. As you get closer the light disappears inside a room and as you round the doorway you find Rafe and Kelce standing in front of a table, lights pointed down at the surface.

“What?” You snap, annoyed that no in fact one of them had not been dying, they had just been ignoring your calls.

“Check this out.” Kelce waves his light across the table for emphasis and you peek over his shoulder.

“What the fuck is that?” You frown.

“A spirit board.” Rafe answers, “Are you stupid?”

You punch him on the shoulder, “Hard to see under all the grime.” You huff, “Really, it’s fascinating, can we go now?”

“You don’t wanna try it out?” Rafe asks and even Kelce snaps his head up at that.

“No, I definitely don’t want to try it out. Can we just go? It’s freezing in here.” You cross your arms over your chest, rubbing your hands against your cold arms.

“Don’t be wimps, c’mon.” Rafe picks up the board, blowing the dust off before placing it back down.

“Rafe, we’re not playing that stupid thing.” Topper tells him.

“Don’t be a pussy Top.” Rafe picks up the plachette from the floor and places it in the middle of the board.

“I’d rather be a pussy than possessed.” Topper holds his hands up with a nervous laugh, “I’m not touching that thing.”

“You really believe that crap?” Kelce asks, switching his torch to his left hand as he reached out for the wooden item.

“Believe it or not, I’m not risking it.” Topper shrugs.

“I’m with Top, I’m not touching that thing. Besides, it’s filthy.” You wrinkle your nose as your friends place their fingers on it.

“Ask it something.” Rafe instructs Kelce.

“What the fuck am I supposed to ask?” Kelce frowns up at him.

“I don’t know man. Whatever they ask in those horror movies.” Rafe shrugs, looking down at the plachette expectantly as he waits for Kelce to speak.

“Uh, alright.” Kelce rolls his shoulders and clears his throat, “Uh, is there anybody here?”

All four sets of eyes sit on the plachette, waiting to see if it does anything. A few moments pass and Rafe nudges Kelce with his elbow.

“Ask something else.” He says.

“Like what? I’m guessing the answer to that one was ‘no’” Kelce rolls his eyes.

“I guess there’s no one here then, lets go.” You grab Toppers elbow as you make to turn around.

“Hold up,” Rafe twists his head to look over his shoulder, “Let’s just try again. Ask again.”

“Why can’t you ask? I don’t want no ghosts following me home.” Rafe shoots Kelce a glare and the boy lets out a sigh, “Alright, fine. Is there anybody here?” He asks again.

You glance around the room while the boys play with their board, the table, board and two metal chairs are the only pieces of furniture in the room. The set up seems strange, like someone used this room for the sole purpose of communicating with the board.

“It just fucking moved!” Rafe calls out causing you to snap your eyes back to the board.

“It’s still in the same place.” You comment.

“No it definitely just moved!” Rafe argues, eyes glued to the wooden shape.

“Rafe, can we just-” You cut yourself off as you watch the object slide across the board slowly, the movements jittery as it makes it’s way to stop on the ‘YES’ at the top of the board. “Okay, which one of you moved that?”

“I didn’t do it.” Kelce holds his hands up, “I swear.” He looks over at Rafe with a raised brow.

“Well I didn’t do it, put your hand back on it.” Rafe tells him, his eyes flashing with excitement as he looks back to the table.

The plachette starts moving again, slowly and uncertainly it makes its way across the board. It moves to the left and down, coming to a stop over the letter ‘O’ for a few seconds before moving again. To the right this time it stops on the letter ‘U’ before shuffling the tiniest but to the left to stop on ‘T’.

“Out?” Topper asks, worry knitting his brows together.

You just let out a laugh and roll your eyes, “Very funny, ha ha, you got us. Let’s go.” You clap your hands together in mock applause.

“We didn’t fucking move it!” Rafe protests, “We didn’t even ask it anything!”

“Well I don’t believe you! I know you’re trying to fuck with us Rafe, it isn’t going to work!” You place your hands on your hips, glaring at the boy looking over his shoulder at you.

He quickly drops his fingers from the board, holding them next to his shoulders, “I didn’t fucking move it.” He says adamantly.

Kelce copies his movements, removing his hands as he stared down at the bored, “You had to have moved it, because I didn’t.”

“Of course he moved it.” You sigh.

But a squeal is quick to leave your lips as the plachette flies off of the board unaided and hits the wall to the left, both boys in front of the board suddenly jump backwards.

“Fuck this!” Topper spins on his heel and hurries out of the room, you not far behind him.

“What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.” You mutter to yourself as you run after Topper, the sound of footsteps behind you telling you your two other friends weren’t far behind.

“Did you fucking see that?” Rafe calls, excitement evident in his tone.

“Yes we fucking saw it why do you think we’re running?” Topper calls back out of breath.

Your flashlights danced across the ground as you all sprinted through the hallways, you weren’t entirely sure Topper was leading you the right way but right now you didn’t care. As long as you were far away from that room you were okay.

You only came to a halt when you were all out of breath, your hands rest against your knees as you suck deep gulps of air into your lungs.

“What the fuck was that?” You pant out.

Part of you wanted to accuse Rafe of trying to scare you all but you knew he’d never be able to pull off something like that, he wouldn’t have the patience to set it up. You could feel your body shaking with adrenaline after your unexpected run, your heart was beating out of your chest.

Topper was leaning against the wall, head tilted back to meet the cold wall as he watched his two friends by the window.

“Did we run the right way?” Kelce asks as he peers through the window, “I can’t see anything out there.”

“I wasn’t really concentrating where I was going, I just wanted to get away from whatever that thing was.” Topper points a shaky finger in the direction they had just come from.

As he did a bang emitted from down the hallway, you couldn’t see what it was but it sounded like something had fallen over.

“Well either that thing is following us or there’s two of the fuckers,” Kelce shakes his head, “I gotta get out of here. Black people always die first in horror movies and I ain’t about to be murdered by some dead motherfucker.”

Kelce starts to head off down the hallway, and although you hadn’t been taking much notice of your surroundings you were sure you didn’t recognise this hallway.

“Kelce I think that’s the wrong way.” You call out to him but his figure keeps getting smaller.

“You wanna go back that way then be my guest!” He calls without turning around.

“He kind of has a point.” Topper shrugs and motions for you to go in front of him.

“I can’t believe you’re all freaking out,” Rafe shakes his head as he follows behind Topper, “It’s fucking exciting!”

“It is not exciting!” You snap out.

“Are you scared y/n?” He teases.

“Yes I am fucking scared! There’s like, a fucking poltergeist or something in here throwing shit around!” You shiver at the thought, “I’ve seen way too many horror movies to know how this stuff ends.”

You try your best to keep up with the boy in front of you but he’s practically running at this point and you weren’t sure you had enough energy left after your other sprint.

“Kelce slow down!” You call out to him, “We need to figure out where we’re going.”

“Well it’s gotta be this way, it’s not back that way is it?” He calls back, continuing at his fast pace.

“I’ll go get him.” Rafe says with a roll of his eyes.

He pushes past you and Topper and hurried into the darkness to pull his friend back. You stop walking, turning to Topper with an anxious look.

“I don’t think this is the right way. We could have easily gotten turned around when we were running.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Topper says though you can tell by the look on his face he’s feeling a million things and fine isn’t one of them, “we’ll find the way out.”

He places his hands on your hips, mostly to comfort himself with some physical touch rather than to calm you down. He rubs circles into your hips and you nod your head quickly.

“Yeah, I know. Why did someone think it was a good idea to board up the windows.” You groan out.

Topper lets out a chuckle, “To stop idiots like us from getting in?” He suggests.

You laugh softly before resting your forehead against his chest. His heart was beating rapidly and you were sure yours was no different. You stood like that for a couple of minutes before you finally pulled yourself away from his grip.

“Where are they?” You ask chewing on your lower lip, “Don’t tell me they’ve run off again.”

“C’mon, let’s go find them.” Topper holds his hand out to you and you gladly take it.

He leads the way down the hallway, searching desperately for any sign of light from the other twos torches.

“I can’t believe them.” You mutter to yourself.

You jump into Toppers side as you hear a bang from one of the rooms beside you. You don’t dare check inside to see if it’s your friends and instead hurry your feet along the floor to the end of the hallway.

“I don’t like this.” You whisper out to your friend.

“Me neither.” Topper replies, “But I’ll look after you.” He reassures you with a squeeze of the hand.

You offer him a small smile, allowing him to pull you down the left corridor. You couldn’t believe Rafe and Kelce had disappeared again.

“If we find the way out we’re leaving without them.” You glare ahead of you.

Topper laughs lightly, “You wouldn't do that,” he replies before whipping his head round, “did you hear that? Rafe?”

You squeeze onto his hand as you hear shuffling behind you like someone was walking without picking their feet up properly. You wait a few seconds but get no reply.

“I don’t think that’s Rafe.” You tug on his hand as you start to walk backwards.

Topper spins around pulling you into the nearest room and shutting the door behind you both. He leans his back against it in case anything tries to get through while you pace in front of him, fingers pulling at the roots of your hair.

“This can’t be real.” You mumble.

You pull out your phone to try and call your friends but you had no signal, big surprise. You push it into your pocket in frustration and let out a groan. The room Topper had pulled you into had no furniture at all, the only thing breaking up the dull walls was a door in the far corner. You slowly make your way over to it, a shaky hand reaching for the handle as you try to gather the courage to pull it open. You decide to do it like a plaster, you grab the handle and rip the door back, letting out the breath you had been holding when nothing jumped out at you.

“It’s another corridor Top,” you call looking over your shoulder.

Topper runs across the room, pushing you into the hallway and pulling the door shut behind you, “Okay, good. Now we’re really lost.”

“There’s got to be an exit around here somewhere. A fire exit or something.” You take hold of his hand again, urging him to take the lead and start walking.

The corridor seemed to go on forever. Thick doors lined the walls either side of you, each one pushed wide open but you didn’t dare turn your head and look into any of the rooms. You didn’t want to see anything that would give you worse nightmares than you knew you’d already be having.

As opposed to when you first entered the building nowhere was silent now. You were fully aware of every sound surrounding you. Every little creak of the floor, every bang from a random room and every footstep that sounded above you. You tried to convince yourself they were being made by your friends but you figured even they wouldn’t be stupid enough to go upstairs to find an exit.

“Topper, I’m getting really scared now,” You admit as the door behind you sways as though in a breeze coming from nowhere, “I just want to be at home. I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to walk back through the woods.”

Topper squeezes your hand, looking back at you over his shoulder, he tried his best to put on a brave face, “We will be home soon, y/n.” He reassures you.

You find yourself becoming more and more distressed as every corridor you turn down looks exactly like the previous one. None of them showed signs of harbouring exits and you were sure you would be in here forever. The bangs from behind you were getting louder and the footsteps from above never stopped, like whatever it was was following your exact path. Topper’s torch had once again stopped working and you gladly passed yours over to him, your free hand now also gripping onto Toppers as well.

In horror movies everyone always has such a will to survive. They run and they fight and you imagined that’s what it would be like in real life. But all you wanted to do was curl into a ball on the floor and not move again. You had no fight in you. No will to run up and down the hallways screaming and begging for help. You just wanted to sit and cry and hope that by the time morning came you could find your way out. But Topper wouldn’t let you and you wouldn’t expect him to wait around for you while you sat and had a breakdown.

“Hey, what’s that?” Topper comments, his light dancing across a door which looked suspiciously like the fire exit doors at your school. You allow him to drag you over to it at a jogging pace and you almost cried when he pushed it open and fresh air blew onto your face. You both tumbled out the door, the steps beneath you almost completely disintegrated. Out into the trees you want to fall to your knees and cry happy tears but you can’t.

“Which way do you think?” Topper asks shining his torch to the left and the right. You were at a random part of the building, the trees much closer to the exterior now and you had no clue which was to go.

“Well, if we follow the building we have to make it back to the entrance eventually, right?” You suggest biting your lower lip lightly.

Topper nods in agreement and heads off to the left. You ignore the sound of the boards banging against the windows, it was just the wind, the wind that was nonexistent.

The building seemed to go on forever and you thought you were lucky to have not been lost in there for much longer than you were.

“What if they’re not out yet?” You ask.

“We’ll wait for them.” Topper replies.

“And what if they’re not out by morning?” You question again.

“I don’t know, y/n,” Topper sighs, “Do you want to go in and find them?”

You quickly shake your head. You would rather sit outside all day and wait for them than go back inside and risk getting lost again. Luckily this one thing had gone right for you tonight and you had walked in the right direction, the entrance soon coming into sight. The second lucky thing was that Rafe and Kelce were sat on the wall along the stairs, legs swinging.

“I see you guys were looking for us.” Topper calls out causing the boys heads to snap up.

“I see you were too.” Rafe calls back.

As you get closer to the boys you let go of Toppers hand and hurry over to them, “You’re not possessed, right?” You ask, tiptoeing up to look them both in the eyes with a glare.

Once you were certain neither were possessed you turned to Rafe and pushed him in the chest causing him to topple backwards off the wall, “Asshole!” you snap out.

“What the hell y/n?” Rafe pops up over the wall with a glare, “Are you trying to break my neck?”

“Yes, actually. It’s the least you deserve after taking us in there!” You reply stepping forward to shove him again but Topper holds you back.

“Look let’s not fight, okay? Let's just get back to the car and get out of here before whatever is in there comes out here.” Topper decides for you all, you don’t protest when he takes your hand for the third time tonight. The touch comforting even outside of the building, you definitely needed it walking through the pitch black trees.

Every snap of a twig or rustle of leaves had you snapping your head round, certain something was following the four of you. Rafe constantly told you to calm down, while Kelce would rub your shoulder comfortingly. The only one seemingly unaffected by the nights events was Rafe but you couldn’t tell if he truly didn’t care or if he was putting on a brave face. Knowing Rafe it could be either of them.

You let out a groan of relief when Rafe’s truck comes back into view, running over to it with your hand still clutching onto Toppers. You crawled into the back seat, eagerly buckling yourself in and ready to get back into figure eight and away from this place forever. The pogues could have the creepy haunted building, you wanted nothing more to do with it.

The drive back was silent, Rafe humming along to the radio like nothing had happened, Kelce staring blankly out of the window and your and Topper clutching onto each other in the back. You decided to go back to Rafe’s, Rafe wanted to party and honestly the rest of you just didn’t want to be alone.

Inside Rafe’s living room you curled up onto the corner of the couch, gladly accepting the glass of whiskey the host offered you, gulping half of it down in one go and slowly feeling your body stop shaking. The more the four of you drank the more the conversation started flowing again, the alcohol helping the night feel a little less real.

You were sipping on your fourth whiskey when the sound of glass smashing behind you caused you to jump out of your skin. You spun round on the couch, noticing a picture laying face down on the floor surrounded in glass, one that had just been hanging on the wall perfectly fine.

You share a look with your friends, horror written across their features - Rafe included. Whatever you had found in that building had decided to follow you home.

@rudyypankow @joshy-obx @topperthornton @starlightstarkey @rafej-cambanks

#rafe cameron x reader #topper thornton x reader #kelce x reader #outer banks x reader #topper thornton fic #rafe cameron fic #kelce fic #topper thornton imagine #rafe cameron imagine #kelce imagine #my writing #brickswritingchallenge

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peeterparkr · 4 years

Note

Not smut but potentially one with Dick where him and the reader are keeping their relationship a secret and she stays over at his (😉) and in the morning they’re off to brunch with friends so try and enter the place at different times etc to not give it away that they came together and they think they’re safe until one of the gang says “hey! Isn’t that Dicks sweatshirt y/n?” And she gets all red and flustered - lol idk but that would be hella cute!

oh but there’ll be smut bc I combined it with this one, this is filth with some angst and then some fluff and it’s a rollercoaster

warnings: smut, swearing, 18+

word count: like 2,5k

Busted.

Love can be too complicated. Relationships are complicated. Dick Grayson was complicated. So much so that you preferred to keep it a secret.

Easier than having to explain to the world that in reality the feelings you had always had for him were never negative, they had always been awe and sometimes a little contempt, but you supposed that it was given to the fact that Dick was someone you thought you couldn’t have.

You hated that he was so perfect. It was a compliment to hate him, now you knew. He was always there with his perfect eyes that could kill you with just one look. That smile that could manipulate you. Make a fool out of you.

We are talking about Dick Grayson, who really has got a bunch of problems, with the lack of love he had when growing up and the big abandonment issues, thanks, Batman. Always wanting to be alone.

Neither of you wanted to explain to the world that your whole act of hating the other was nothing more than a façade for the crush you both had towards the other and how much it frustrated that you couldn’t have the other. The nerves you would get whenever you saw him, all flustered, maybe that was why it was easier to insult him so that he would let you believe that you hated him and make you believe that you were not deeply in love with him.

How did you both reach that conclusion? How did you both realize that you were both desperately in love with each other? Being alone, what that can be. One thing led to another and as the big drama queens you both were, you’d both searched for the other in a stormy night just to end up making out with your clothes on the floor.

But you needed to keep that a secret, mostly because neither of you could understand how you could be so fond of someone who’d constantly make you lose your temper. Because you’re so alike, stubborn and incredibly bossy.

Add to all of that, it’s Dick Grayson who we are talking about. He loves to make a big deal out of everything. But of course that’s only because he cares enough. Too much sometimes for your own convenience.

There were still a lot of things you despised about him. Like whenever he would always be wrong, even when he is right. Or the way he’d make you smile even if you had basically ended an argument.

The fact that at the end of the day, he was still a sweetheart.

But you had to hide it. Because you loved him. And who in this world understands love? You didn’t want anyone trying to explain it to you. You liked to figure it out on your own.

Besides hiding made it way much more interesting. It was a challenge. Even spiced things up in the relationship. You still hated him, to everyone else. And he still hated you. And sometimes you knew you both did hate each other, not pretending. So annoyed by each other’s presence because you’re both so equal yet so different.

And you were very good at hiding it. Even when you couldn’t quite keep your hands to yourself. You’d manage to keep up the hating relationship to a certain level where they wouldn’t even think you’d ever be in the same room alone.

Sometimes the arguments would go a bit too far, but you’d end up apologizing and making it up in bed.

Just like you probably were going to, now. Rachel was there, watching you both make an argument about how stupid having brunch and inviting Jason Todd, whom you were pushing to get into the group. He was a nice addition.

Rachel was sitting with her feet up on the couch, as she was watching some videos on her phone, ignoring you both. However, truth to be told, you had almost forgotten that Rachel was there and it had kind of turned into a real fight.

“I don’t want anything to do with Bruce Wayne, and Jason—Jason still has everything to do with him!” Dick yelled.

You closed your eyes, “Oh my God, Dick, you’re not— this is what all of this is about?”

Dick rolled his eyes. “No, but I… I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation. This is stupid–I…I am going home. Fuck Batman.”

You knew why this was happening, he saw himself in Jason Todd, he saw it too badly. But he saw a lot of things he never had had with Bruce and that bothered him, and that made Dick despise him even more.

And you were home, and you were supposed to stay at home. Sleepover with young Rachel, you guys loved those, they meant fun nights.

You watched Dick storm off and slam the door. You wondered if it was part of the act or if he really meant it. Dick didn’t know Rachel knew. You knew she knew.

You squeezed your eyes shut.

“You guys really hate each other don’t you?” Rachel asked you, she was going to stay the night.

“You’ve no idea.”

“But he didn’t mind about the brunch.”

You shrugged. “Thought he didn’t. But now he’s angry we are all spending it together like a big happy family.”

“Go, fix it, I’ll start the movie and you can come back later.”

Rachel, you knew, was probably very aware of the real situation, not because you’d told her but you couldn’t possibly lie to her, but she hid it from everyone else, knowing damn well you’d been hiding it for a reason.But you had never adressed it, and she had never asked about it. Maybe she didn’t know. You both were very convincing when it came to making everyone believe you hated each other.

So you did as she said, you followed after him to his car. You hopped in.

“I’m leaving.”

“I know,” you said. “You can start driving, I’m coming with you.” Dick stared at you. You pointed at the road.

He clenched his jaw but started the car.

“Go to Wayne Manor,” you ordered.

“Wayne—“

“Batcave, more specifically,” you added. He stared at you. You smirked, running your hand through his thgh, and you could easily see a bulge forming in his pants. “Fuck Batman, right?”

He started driving as fast as he could and you let your fingers walk down his leg.

“I’m not in the mood,” he snarled, but you looked down at the growing length.

“Seems like you are, though,” you pointed out, and you chuckled, leaning over to peck his cheek. He cleared his throat. But drove fast enough, you’d tease him, running your fingers through his arm, to his chest and to his leg, nowhere close, but enough to get him flustered.

The Batcave, it gave you such a challenge. It was incredibly hot, to think you were sneaking there. As soon as he hit the brakes, he turned to you and unbuttoned your blouse, as he jumped over you, kissing your lips and trailing his way down to your neck, you moaned closing your eyes. The way he kissed you was always a new experience.

“Wait– Dick,” you managed to say as he was already grinding against you, his hands pressing your breasts. He was sucking on your collarbone as you let out a soft gasp. “Want to piss off Batman more?”

His eyes, filled with fire turned to you, as he just shot an eyebrow up.

“Let’s go to the Batmobile,” and there’s a sound in your voice that made you sound even more into it than you actually were. If we were honest, you feared getting caught but, of course, it would make it a thousand per cent even more interesting.

And in no time, he picked you up and opened up the doors to it, setting you down. It’s smaller than Dick’s but it doesn’t matter, because with no further ado, Dick pulled down your underwear and he’s set between your tighs. He kept kissing you and his fingers pinched your breasts, you could feel his hot breath as he pulled the seat down, making it easier for both of you. The reducted space pulled you even closer. Your legs were snaking around him as he kissed from the space between your breasts to your stomach. You looked up and took off his shirt, clawing your nails into his back as you pulled him down to your lips. His own hands were caressing your legs, his fingers toying with you.

Your lips were focused on his neck now, trailing wet kisses over it, and your hands were going down to knead his ass, as he was grinding into you, causing friction to your core, as the bulge on his pants kept growing.

“Oh my god,” you moaned, as you were unbuckling his belt with desperation. You were in such an ecstasy as you accidentally hit a button. The car announced ‘error’ but you were too busy as his cock had popped out. His fingers grazed over your wetness as his tip teased your clit. He loved teasing you.

“Dickie, I–”

“Say it,” he ordered.

“I need you, now,” you pleaded and he finally thrust into you. He started panting as he started to move inside, finding a slow soothing rhythm. A smug smirk upon his face as you’re moaning his name. He was cursing profanities and then yelling your name. You see the car windows blurring up, as you try to keep yourself comfortable. Your hand found the window but you pulled it back down, leaving a mark of your fingers all over it.

He was fast and his fingers are all over you, edging you close each time he drew circles on your clit. And he loved seeing your face as you’re at your bliss, and he began slowing down his pace as his own back was arching. But he started to thrust even deeper, as your toes start to curl. You came first, but that was the cue he needed for his own high.his hot breath deep on your neck. He yelled your name in pleasure and then found your neck with his lips, peppering kisses all over it, just as he pulled out from you. Your chest was pounding as you watched him.

“I love you, y/n,” he whispered, causing a short laugh from you, catching your breath.

“For what? For helping you break the rules?” You grinned looking up at him, and he kissed your lips again.

“Making everything fun,” he laughed. “Did… did… you push any buttons?”

You turned to look at the board, embarrassed. “Maybe, a thing or two.”

And both of you heard footsteps.“Shit, shit, shit,” Dick pulled up his pants and buttoned your shirt back on, you both quickly ran out of the car and you hid on Dick’s backseat, as he tried to make himself presentable, but the sweat and his panting were not easy to hide.

It was Alfred. “Master didn’t know you were coming.”

Dick cleared his throat. “I was—“ he ran a hand through his hair. “I was just—going to check on some information regarding the—uh, case with Mikron O’Jeneus.”

Alfred stared at Dick’s car where you were holding your breath, praying to all known deities that he wouldn’t catch you.

“Alright ” Alfred nodded. “Whenever you get the chance, please send my regards to Miss Y/N, you and her seem to be close lately.”

Dick blushed and gulped. “We are—working together on the case, that’s all,” He assured him.

Alfred nodded. “Alright, master Grayson.”

When Alfred was gone, you both laughed in the car. He went to his place where round two happened, nothing wild, it was simpler and more romantic. Dick had managed to now make it more soothing, apologizing for his bitching attitude and smiling each time he kissed you. And that was the sweetheart you knew, it was fun, the vigilante and the dark Dick but then turning him into the beautiful thing he was. You loved him for both, both ‘Dicks’ were fun, and you knew you needed his lips, and you knew he meant it every time he said he loved you, because each time it was different and like hearing it for the first time.

And the morning had consisted of him peppering you with new kisses, he’d invent one each morning. It was a routine, making each kiss special each time you woke up by his side. As he managed to take your breath away with that smile that was reserved only for you. And you were lucky because he truly never smiled the way he did to you. And you were sure that nobody truly saw hi the way you did, as the blinds would let in the light so the sunlight bathed him and only him.

He had pecked all over your face, tickling you as he did. “You’re an idiot,” you stated, which was your way of telling him you loved him.

“I know,” he grinned, that was the way he said it back.

And he agreed to the brunch, at the end. But you both had to be careful, so when you arrived he dropped you a block away from it, the price you had to pay for wanting to keep your relationship private. He walked into the place first, and you found a place beside Kori.

You grinned as you said hello to everyone, and then you turned stiff when your eyes landed on Dick. “Grayson.”

“Y/L/N,” He didn’t even look up.

Jason Todd watched you both, “Please act decent,” he pleaded. “Don’t fight here.”

“Yeah, yeah, you guys are so annoying,” Gar pointed out.

Dick rolled his eyes. “We are adults, at least I’ll act like one, don’t worry.”

You flipped him off, rolling your eyes, as you stole from Kori’s mimosa, taking a sip.

“That’s mine,” she complained but ignored.

Rachel stared at you. “Hey, y/n, why didn’t you come back home last night?” She asked.

You almost spat your drink. “I did! You didn’t hear me and I woke up early for a run,” you lied.

“Are you sure?” Kori pushed. “Because Alfred told me he saw you and Dick at the manor.”

Dick laughed, nervously. “Why would I be with her at the manor?”

“I dunno,” Kori smirked. “Same reason as to why she’s wearing your sweatshirt?”

Both you and Dick froze.You stared down at your clothes, and you were indeed wearing a sweatshirt of his.

“Busted,” all of them said.

#dick grayson #dick grayson x reader #dick grayson x y/n #dick grayson smut #smut #dick grayson imagine #DCU Titans #titans fanfic #batboys imagine #batboys fanfic #batboys x reader #batboys #dick grayson x you #dick grayson fanfic #dcu fanfic #dc fanfic #dick grayson fluff #dick grayson blurb #brenton thwaites

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kyidyl · 3 years

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Alcohol anon: My relationship with my parents is… complicated. I often don’t feel heard or seen. The alcohol thing is both “I want to share this awesome thing with you” and “I don’t think you really know what you like and I assume you’re making up finding the taste of alcohol awful”. I already told them point blank that I hate alcohol and don’t want it but it mostly fall in deaf ears.

So I let this knock around in the back of my head for awhile before answering. First, it sounds like you have a mostly ok relationship with them but, like with any parental relationship, there's things about it that really drive you crazy. And I'm guessing, from what you've said so far, that you're a fairly young adult. Early-mid 20s? That's a really difficult time for the parent/child relationship imo. It happened to me, and all of my siblings. You're a full on adult with your own preferences and habits, discovering new ones every day as you progress further into the adult world. Your parents have spent the last 18-odd years guiding and teaching you and it's really hard for them to shift gears, especially if they're the kind of people who have a difficult time with change or were particularly authoritarian. You're both trying to learn how to relate to each other as equals rather than a parent/child or teacher/student relationship. It's hard, man. You couldn't pay me enough to get me to repeat that part of my life. Being in your early 20s sucks.

I'm going to err on the side of caution and guess that you probably don't want to implode your relationship with your parents over this, you just want them to change their behavior, so what I'd suggest is to quietly enforce the boundary. Let me explain what I mean by this.

I was raised mormon, and when I left my parents' house I decided I no longer wanted to be mormon. Not only that, but I didn't want to talk about it. They didn't want to respect that boundary. They are super into being mormon and they wanted me to be into it, too, so they kept trying to "troubleshoot" why I left. Like "oh, it was just that particular church but you can't give up over that one thing". For my part, my reasons for leaving were MANY and I was never going to convince them that they were valid reasons, and they'd continue to try to talk to me about it. So I stopped answering. When they'd bring it up, I'd either stay silent or give them short, one-word answers. The reality was that I no longer wanted to be mormon and no amount of cajoling was going to change that, and I didn't have the spoons to have an argument or a discussion about it every time, so I simply stopped engaging. When they stopped being able to get their foot in the conversational door, they stopped trying. It's like when you invite someone out a million times and they never say yes so eventually you stop asking. The reality is that I wasn't going to go to church, and you're not going to drink, so you operate in that reality and assume they already know why you're not going to drink.

The reality is that you don't need their consent to not drink. They pour you a glass of wine? Ignore it. If they ask "aren't you going to drink this?" just say "nah" and leave it at that. They say they're going to a winery and they sound like they're hinting that they want you to come? Ignore the hint. "Have fun guys!" is an acceptable answer. They invite you? "No thanks, but you guys enjoy yourselves". They offer you a glass of wine? "No thank you" or pretend you didn't hear. They drop hints? Don't take the bait. They'll eventually stop asking, and you don't have to have the same fight over and over. Give them nothing to hook onto and draw you into another conversation about it or try to bug you until you cave. This is your reality. Live in it until they join you. And they will - but it will likely take time, which the drawback to this method. You've done all of the necessary things to get them to stop. They know you don't want them offering and they know why. The onus is on them now. Now you're under no obligation to explain yourself further or engage over it. The wine conversation is an annoying ex and you are ghosting them. And I hope I'm explaining this properly, bc I'm not sure that I am, but I can't really think of a better way to articulate it. It's kind of the equivalent of saying to someone "I'm going to the store. You can come if you want, but either way I'm going to the store".

#alcohol #parents #family is complicated #relationships are hard

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gallavictorious · 4 years

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what about like mickey and geneva crossing paths somehow but don't know each other (i guess before the wedding bc i would guess they would have met at that point) and idk maybe she overhears him say something homophobic and she confronts him and somehow mentions gay jesus and idk. this is 100% inspired by my desire for someone to ask mickey if he knows gay jesus just for him to respond that he knows him biblically lol

Ah, this might just be the most justified desire in the world, nonnie; I salute you! Okay, let's see –

I'm thinking Geneva and a bunch of her friends decide to stage a protest of some kind. Maybe just to raise awareness of the plight of the LGTB+ community in general, or maybe in direct reaction to a store treating gay people less than right... let's be honest, there's a lot of shit happening, so it's not like it'd be hard for them to find a just cause. Brave and resolute they arm themselves with righteousness and march out in the name of their lord and savior, Gay Jesus!

March, as it happens, straight to A Certain Mall – CAN YOU GUESS WHICH? – where A Certain Disgruntled Darling – CAN YOU GUESS WHO? – works. Now, I don't think their protest is aimed at Old Army per se but maybe it happens right outside the store just next to it, and so the Gay Jesus Group and all of their signs and whatever other props they bring kind of spill over to halfway block the entrance to Mickey's workplace?

By rights this should be a case for mall main security, which I assume exists even if I have no idea what the right word for it would be, but let's pretend that they're unsure about how to intervene in a way that doesn't get them into trouble for being homophobic. Maybe their boss is a very anxious and pollitically minded person, highly unsuited for their job? Or just secretly supports what's happening? Either way, mall security does nothing. The protest continues. There's a crowd gathering, some jeering, some curious, and some in silent support. Between that and the protest itself there's not a whole lot of people making their way into Old Army which Concerns the staff working the floor there, and so they send Mickey out to deal with it.

“What's in it for me?” Mickey probably demands, savvy to the fact that this strictly speaking isn't his job, and the fuck does he care if a few hippies stand around chanting whatever so that no one can get in to the store to bother him while he dreams of all the stuff Ian and he can do to and with one another once he gets off work?

I'm not sure what the rest of the staff promise him, but it's good enough that fine, he'll go scare these rainbow kids away. So out he stomps and he immediately identifies Geneva as the ring leader, mostly because it's her holding the megaphon and leading the chants. Our highly questionable hero walks up to her, calling: “Yo! Gonna need you to pack this shit up and get the hell out of here. You're bothering the customers.”

Mickey's scary when he wants to be, that's true, but Geneva ain't no pushoever and she's used to standing up to all sorts of bullies – plus she has the unshakeable zeal of a true believer. She's not backing down, and maybe there's a small part of Mickey that can admire her courage, but a larger part is just really fucking annoyed at these people complicating his workday with this stupid crap.

Sadly (for Mickey) Geneva doesn't give a fig for his annoyance. She stares him right in the eye and launches into a spiel about how the store they're protesting has treated the LGTB+ community in a horrible, horrible way and people need to be made aware of the fact.

Mickey's face wrinkles in disgust. “And what the fuck's whining about it gonna do, huh? Someone insult you 'cause you're gay you beat the shit outta them, or you trash their fucking store to teach them a lesson, but nobody's gonna give a damn about a few signs. Besides, those ugly things” – he indicates the signs – “are boring as hell, you ain't gonna convince people of shit with those.”

(There's an alternative version of this story, I think, wherein Mickey now leaps into a lecture of how to make proper, eye-catching signs, and maybe even leads a little practical workshop in the art of it, because we know he's got an artistic streak. But as amusing as that image is, Mickey ultimately just doesn't care enough about whatever these people are doing to bother, so in this version of the story, that just doesn't happen. Sorry, guys. I cannot be blamed for Mickey not having a whole lot of communal gay spirit.)

Geneva is maybe a little surprised by Mickey's take on the whole thing, but not impressed: “Demanding that we should be interesting to be heard is putting unjust pressure on the victim of systematic oppression and – “

The crowd has followed this entire exchange with varying degrees of cautious interest and now someone – a big, beared man, probably, and likely sporting a MAGA hat too – calls out: “Nobody cares, you fucking dyke! Go suck a dick and maybe you won't be such a bitch.”

Geneva is sadly used to these sort of slurs, and she and her group are more than prepared to defend themselves, but before anyone has a chance to do or say anything, Mickey – whose face has collapsed into irritated disgust – turns around and walks straight up to the shouty bastard and gets right in his stupid face: “Yo, maybe you wanna keep your fat mouth shut, Cheeto-packer, or I'll give you a dick to suck on and I promise you, you gonna fucking choke on it.”

The man stares. The crowd stares. Geneva and the Gay Jesus Group stares too. Mickey, he just stands right there, smiling up at the far taller man; it's that dangerous smile of his, and the beared dude suddenly shows far more sense than his hat would suggest him capable off and walks away without another word.

Unperpetubed, Mickey turns back to the protesters: “So you gonna get out of here or what?”

Geneva isn't quite sure how to respond. She doesn't know what to make of this security guard and his frankly odd and contradictory behavior. “Thank you for shutting him up,” she begins slowly and a little grudgingly. “But we can't just walk away. Gay Jesus taught us – “

“Gay Jesus?” Ah fuck, he should have fucking known, and if he finds out that Ian had anything to do with this, he's going to fucking kill him...

Geneva frowns at his tone. “You know about Gay Jesus?”

Mickey's lips twist into something that's not quite a smile. “Know him biblically,” he offers sardonically, and he takes no small amount of pleasure at the sight of Geneva at an actual loss for words. (Sure, he's only known her for two minutes, but he has this feeling that it's a very rare sight indeed.)

Then he sighs; this has gone on long enough. He picks up his phone and calls his boyfriend (who has the very good sense to pick up almost immediately): “Ay, asshole, can you tell your fucking groupies to go be pains in someone else's ass?”

“... what?”

And Mickey explains while Geneva and her squad yet again stares and then Ian talks to Geneva and of course he doesn't talk her out of protesting – because she is right to to do it, let's not forget – but in the end they reach some sort of compromise that leads to the Gay Jesus Group taking themselves and their signs elsewhere, and Mickey swaggers back into the store, equally pleased and disgruntled. The staff working the floor has followed the entire thing and now they have questions, but Mickey just gives them one forbidding glare and they very hastily return to folding clothes and whatever. The customers start walking in; peace has been restored; all is well.

(And when he comes home that night the whole incident develops into a complicated – but utterly playful, never fear – argument about who owes whom what; does Ian need to make things up to Mickey for starting the whole stupid cult in the first place, or is Mickey in Ian's debt for needing him to resolve the situation? They don't actually reach an agreement on the issue, but I think it's safe to say that both of them feel quite satisfied by the time they eventually fall asleep in each other's arms.)

#okay so mickey didn't QUITE say something outright homophobic #and that's not because i don't think he would #it just... played out this way instead #hope you enjoyed anyway nonnie!#mickey's relationship to his own sexuality and identity #especially as it relates to the lgtb+ community at large #is endlessly fascinating to me #so thank you very much for this prompt!#also special thanks to noelle for helping me with the trump related insult #tw:#tw: homophobia #mickey milkovich #gallavich #season 10 #asks #meta ficlet #my stuff

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misterbitches · 3 years

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I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed

Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:

keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.

The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:

- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)

-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose

- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try

But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.

0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.

1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.

Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.

I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is

2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.

There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.

The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.

So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.

At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.

fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.

Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”

If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.

Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.

And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.

Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao

Antiblackness

Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.

FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....

Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.

Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.

There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.

ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that

It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.

These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.

Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao

Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.

Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.

It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility

Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.

This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.

There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.

additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.

Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...

We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.

That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.

HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:

a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?

These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.

Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.

History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)

Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)

Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:

Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!

Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3

#history 4 #history 4: close to you #i told sunset about you #a thot #tharntype #lovely writer #bl fandom #idk #lol #long

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hongism · 3 years

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hi caly boo its ur 🌊 anon! i finally finished the most brilliant darkness and oh my lawd i’m in spain without the s. to put it shortly: U DID NOT DISAPPOINT BESTIE, and it seems unreal that u and ur mind and this fic even exists bc every moment is just polished to perfection, while simultaneously every character is polished to a sort of imperfect perfection(?). i have so many questions and things to say idek where to start, and tho im not good with words and even worse at deciphering hidden meanings, here are just some of my thoughts that i remember from the story.

hello my dear!!! eee im gonna answer separately since i think i’ll be very long-winded as usual but first of all thank you so much :(( this fic is actually very full of subliminal messages and hidden nuances that are weaved throughout which i think could be quite confusing so i apologize for that! if i had managed my time better, i would have adjusted when i started the fic to account for managing those aspects of the fic but alas i’m terrible at time management and i suck so. anyways.

first of all, ngl halfway into the story i lowkey forgot this was a wooyoung fic bc SANNN and also bc wooyoung appeared like 3 times lol. even after it finishing all that, i still had my doubts as to why this is a wooyoung fic, or more like why is san this significant in a wooyoung fic. im still a bit slow on these pls forgive me and im just curious why u made it like that.

i think yeah the most interesting thing about this fic is the emphasis on san over wooyoung. and when looking over it yeah i could have switched san and wooyoung’s characters and called it a day, but wooyoung really in my mind acts as the integral turning point for decisions made in the story.

the goal with the fic wasn’t really to be hyperfocused on the pairing itself, but rather the emotions and thought processes of each character (aside from wooyoung). wooyoung was kept intentionally mysterious and a bit set apart from the rest of the fic because his role in story was moreso an abstract of hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. wooyoung’s character appeared in times where y/n was struggling with the thought of home or adjusting to the new changes in her life! wooyoung’s pairing itself was actually intended to be solely platonic at first, but as the story went on i thought having mc develop feelings for him added another turning point in the fic!

moving on, the second biggest question i had is the whole hestia!wooyoung and cafe aurora situation. i did a bit of reading on hestia and only found out that she was the goddess of hearth, which might explain the fireplace and the kind of homey feeling to the cafe. and ‘cafe aurora not really existing to most’ part, which was already hinted at wooyoung randomly disappearing, mc never seeing the cafe before or wooyoung only bringing people he wants into it. i get that him inviting mc must suggest her significance to him, but why was he so adamant about his friends not mentioning him or the cafe to mc before that? wooyoung is quite a mysterious character i think, and given that this fic is supposed to be about him, it’s a bit odd that there’s still so many things left unknown, but its kinda cool that way nonetheless and im guessing u would also like to explain that further outside of the story too.

i think my biggest regret about this fic is the fucking summary.... i wrote that summary well before i even started writing the fic thinking it would go in that direction but it didn’t. and since this fic was for a collab, i left the summary as is because i genuinely cannot for the life of me figure out a better one. but i’m trying to figure out a better one. but i really fucking hate the current summary because it’s not at all what the fic is truly about and i hate it.

however, i don’t hate the fic itself, and the reason why i don’t is because i got to play with both my writing style and how i displayed the story. for this collab we were asked to pick a greek god and one of the seven deadly sins, and i selected hestia and sloth. and initially i had intended to have sloth be represented by the reader’s depression, and wooyoung be a more ‘real’ depiction of hestia. i shifted gears very early on in the fic but what it became is moreso abstract realizations in the characters.

san’s character is meant to be this idea of sloth, and it’s mentioned several times that he doesn’t want to move forward, he wants to go slow, he wants to stop moving so fast through life, and those things point to him being a depiction of sloth

wooyoung’s was harder to encapsulate in a more abstract way but you hit the nail on the head really with the homey feeling of the cafe. beyond that, mc talks about just naturally feeling at ease and comfortable with how things are with wooyoung and being around him, and he takes up this role of being the likeable, warm, cozy, comforting character. it all comes to a head in the last scene where he brings both y/n and san into the cafe.

and again wooyoung’s character is meant to be most mysterious and abstract, but if i had had more time to fully flesh out the fic, i think i would have liked to touch more on him. at the same time however i left it more open-ended and open to interpretation. the significance in him inviting mc in and not being mentioned by the others sooner is twofold. one; the others never really had any reason whatsoever to mention wooyoung. he was a friend outside the circle who never joined in with them when mc was around. i personally in my own friendships don’t mention friends outside the circle by name or anything, just kinda vaguely talking about them unless im certain the people know who this person is. the concept of wooyoung having to invite mc in was more nuanced and vague as well, intentionally so, but that was moreso meant to represent this idea of ‘you can’t make a home somewhere where you aren’t invited’ so y/n couldn’t fully make a home of the place she was in without being invited in and welcomed in, but again that’s something i wish i had more time to fully flesh out.

the hongjoong speech about love (and also the interaction with seonghwa after that) deserves a standing ovation of its own 👏 unfortunately, or not, im not actually going through the emotional turmoil regarding love the same way as hj or mc to be able to fully relate to his words, but the whole ‘if you dont love what u see in the mirror then u dont love it’ mentality really hit me hard, and i’d like to hang onto that when i make decisions in the future haha thank you wise caly! seonghwa and hongjoong’s story is also beautiful, and just like mc said, the more i look at it the more it hurts :’)

the hongjoong speech about love was meant to be something very jaded and specific to his worldview. it actually isn’t wholly how i view love personally, but it was a perfect description to how both he and y/n perceived the love in their own lives. mostly thanks to their own emotional turmoils. the mentality of the mirror quote is something that i think i also struggle with, which is why i included it. it’s hard to do, but even in friendships, i think it’s necessarily to stop and look at the person you were before this relationship and then the person during this relationship. if you don’t love the one you are now, then maybe it’s a sign to reflect and see the bigger picture, so that was a lil reminder to myself and i’m glad it touched you as well!!!

“do you love him, or do you love the idea of being in love with him?” - haha i see what u did there (or maybe i didnt please dont laugh at me if i didnt). its still so good everytime i see it bc i keep finding myself loving just the idea of things time and time again even when this makes total sense to me oof :/

heh yeah again with the more abstract concepts this one was more direct and ‘cliche’ but i fully wanted that cliche in the fic because i thought it suited the situation where mc was constantly struggling with a version of san that she thought she loved vs the version of san she got every time they were together

despite how enlightened she seems to be, mc still made the same choices, and i wanna smack her for it and pat her back at the same time. and maybe also bc of the fact that she feels so differently for the two men that i feel like no ending could really justify her decision, so ending in the vague is probably the best. your ending might kind of allude to someone more than the other already, and tho i still don’t think he’s the best one for her based on just my pov on love, i kinda agree with you. but again, this raises the question of, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic?

and yeah the whole knife in the chest at the end of it all is that she was still too scared to face the music so to speak. but really i would say she made the same choices up until the conversation on the balcony with san. and you’re absolutely right, the reason i chose the ending the way i did was because either way, there’s no justification. and actually although it might seems like i was alluding to someone specific, san being in the cafe at the very end was moreso to represent that as much as they fought, he still very much loved her and wanted to be loved by her. it was kinda an open casket ending there were no nails in the coffin, the choice between wooyoung and san still stands and an argument could be made for either of them! i think this is a fic that i could see myself revisiting one day with two endings - one for san, and one for wooyoung.

something i didn’t mention earlier about wooyoung’s character being left intentionally mysterious was that he was representing a new and budding love. the honeymoon phase where you’re falling for someone you don’t even really know. you are the reader aren’t meant to really know who wooyoung is because of that beyond what you read about him, so his past and such was left out intentionally to represent that idea of ‘hey wow im in love with a stranger!’ whereas san was this gritty love that’s bad for you. and there are pros and cons to each just as with anything!!

so,,,, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic? well i picked wooyoung for my collab so he was one of the main focuses of the fic regardless of which direction i took with it. as for why wooyoung wasn’t more forward, i already answered that but !!! i view it as both a wooyoung fic and a san fic. both are highlighted characters with main pairing roles!

i literally just woke up to write this and am going back to sleep ahaha so i apologize if this makes no sense. i somehow felt like i’ve read so much yet so little at the same time, maybe bc there are still so many things i havent fully made sense of, and that’s where i hope you come in and enlighten me. i still stand by my word that this fic deserves so much more recognition despite the lack of explicit smut bc of how much more you’ve explored through character building. love you caly and thank u for working so hard <3 — 🌊

no worries my beloved i hope you go back to sleep and get lots and lots of rest!! and i hope my response helps enlighten the not so clear things as well dgjdklfg but really thank you so much. it was a long fic and hard to get through at times, but as a whole, i’m proud of it and what i created, so thank you for recognizing my efforts and appreciating them 🥺

#🌊 anon #fic; the most brilliant darkness

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bigbrotherlouis · 3 years

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hello lovely!! if it’s okay with you, i’m going to do a scene from the latest chapter of tried to keep myself from hurting bc i am proud of that one a lot!

Mitch tips forward again, determined to try again, and get stopped by the press of Dylan’s palm to his forehead.

“Mitch,” Dylan says, his voice shot through with something. “What are you doing?”

He blinks at him. “What the fuck does it look like I’m doing?” (i really went into this last chapter not wanting to do an happy ever after. like, yeah, they’re going to end on a positive bc i like those kinds of stories, but i didn’t want everything to be fixed by talking to each other. they still have stuff they have to work out, and i wanted it to be realistic)

There’s a pause. “Okay, fuck this,” he mumbles and shoves carefully at him, enough so Mitch tumbles back and he can stand. It’s a weird sense of deja vu, sprawled on the ground, watching Dylan fix himself up after rejecting him again. (parallels!) It aches in a way Mitch didn’t know still ached. He swallows hard.

“Where are you going?”

“Hotel.”

“Why?”

“I’m not doing this shit,” he says and pulls out his phone, tapping at it too quickly. (they both try to solve things mostly by ignoring them, and this is dylan doing that) His hands are shaking slightly. Mitch swallows again, the taste of Dylan still on his tongue, and his throat way too dry.

“Are you, uh,” he says, still aching. “Are you breaking up with me.” (this maybe was a little too obvious for mitch to ask straight up, but i think it made sense in context. the last time dylan did this, they broke up. it’s reasonable for him to think that history’s repeating itself)

That gets Dylan’s attention; he glances up from his phone to stare at him. “What? No.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yes,” Dylan says and then frowns. “No. I don’t know.”

“Okay, then why are you leaving?”

“Why are you trying to blow me on the sofa?” (i never know how to refer to blowjobs. it’s awkward for me every time.)

“Getting you to the bedroom seemed like too much work,” he says, too honest and too unthinking. Dylan levels a look at him. (this is less supposed to be flippancy and more supposed to be mitch not thinking. his brain’s busy trying to think through what’s happening)

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

He shrugs his shoulder. “You looked like you needed a blowjob,” he mutters and makes a face, nothing left in him to keep it away. (mitch in this fic has a history of trying to fix things with sex and this was him trying to fix the weirdness between them, or manage dylan’s mood)

Dylan stares at him some more and then sighs. “Just— hold on for a second.”

Mitch watches as he turns around and disappears in the direction of the kitchen, holding his breath until he reappears with another protein bar. He drops it on Mitch’s stomach.

“Eat that.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Take a fucking bite, Marner.” Mitch obediently unwraps it and takes a bite, chewing quickly. (more managing) “You told me that you wanted to gargle bleach.”

“Huh?”

“Every time you suck a dick, you said you want to gargle bleach,” Dylan says and then nods at the protein bar. “For the taste.” (i really tried to make dylan attentive and and thoughtful in his own way and this was the culmination of that)

Mitch looks at what’s left in his hand, tastes the mild sweetness on his tongue instead of— well. “Oh. Thanks?”

“Why the fuck did you try to suck my dick?” (very delicate, dylan)

“Why not?”

“Jesus Christ, do you have to play so dumb? Or have you forgotten the massive fight we had about this?”

“I’m an adult, Dylan. I can do what I want.”

“Sure, but what if I didn’t want a blowjob, huh?”

“Dunno, dude, you were enjoying it for a while there,” (trying to balance dylan’s interest as someone who experiences sexual attraction with his refusal to make mitch do something he doesn’t want to do was really hard in this scene! i don’t know if i did it well, honestly, but i sure as hell tried. dylan’s still trying to figure out what boundaries are) Mitch tells him and finishes the rest of the protein bar, feels it settle uncomfortably in his stomach. “You were still mad and I thought it would snap you out of your sulking. I was wrong, apparently.”

“I wasn’t sulking.”

“Oh, yeah you were, bud. Big time.”

Dylan breathes hard for a second. “So, what? You decided to try and suck it out of me?”

“It was working until you got pissy.”

“I’m never pissy.” (they’re still young and dumb)

Mitch snorts, pushing himself into a better sitting position. “Sure.” Dylan looks down at his phone again and then moves, snagging his jacket and looking for his shoes. “Shit, wait, you’re still leaving?”

“I— yeah?”

“Because I tried to hook up with you? You, my boyfriend?” (mitch is also trying to figure out boundaries!)

“I’m still mad at you and I don’t want you throwing yourself at me as, like, some weird omega thing.”

“Weird omega thing,” Mitch repeats, testing the words against his teeth. (unapologetically one of my favourite phrases) “Okay.”

“You’re telling me it’s not?”

“I’m telling you that I’m an adult who makes my own decisions and I can do what I want.”

“Fine,” Dylan says and looks at him head on, eyes keen and sharp. “Did you want that?” (i really wanted to show dylan changing and learning through this fic and this is one of the ways i hoped it showed!)

“I wanted you to be in a better mood.”

“Not what I asked.” (okay, maybe it’s a bit much to ask hockey players in their early twenties to understand the nuance between wanting sex and wanting the outcome of sex, but it was an important point to make to the reader, in my eyes)

Mitch tries again. “You wanted it.”

“Also not what I asked,” Dylan tells him. Mitch thinks about it for a second and then drops his shoulders, sighing.

“I mean, does it matter?”

“Does it— of course it fucking matters, Mitchell. What the fuck.”

“You’re upset, I can make you feel better, it’s what I’m supposed to do. (something something we live in a society) So it doesn’t matter,” he explains, watching emotions cross over Dylan’s face too fast to catch fully. Dylan seems to settle on a determined sort of anger, mouth pressed into a tight line.

“Listen to me, no, listen. I don’t— I don’t care about the whole fucking omega thing, okay? I really don’t. I’m trying to care less about the alpha thing, but it’s me so it’s a little harder. (meaning, it’s really easy to give people grace sometimes while beating yourself up for the same thing. dylan doesn’t care about mitch being a good omega, but desperately cares about being a good alpha) But you? This? I care about you, as my— as my boyfriend, not as my fuckin’— omega, or whatever.” (there’s probably a whole other fic here about what omegas mean in this particular au but i will most likely not be writing it)

“Dylan—”

“Shut up, I’m making a point. I already told you, and I don’t know how many times I’m going to tell you again, but I don’t fucking care that you don’t like sex. You don’t want to have it, so we won’t, and you can stop feeling so fucking gulity about it. I can deal with my own dick and you can just leave it alone. Can you get that into your thick skull, already?”

Mitch is quiet for a second, waiting, but the anger doesn’t fade from Dylan’s face, from his body. “Then why are you so mad?”

“I’m mad because you just do shit instead of talking about it, or, like, asking, and I know I’m not one for talking about feelings, but shit, Mitch, at least I’m not trying to fuck my way into feeling secure.” (could he have said this more delicately? probably. would it have been true to character? no. also it’s nice and succinct, thanks dylan for wrapping that up so neatly)

“Hey,” Mitch says lowly. It’s the only thing he can make himself say.

“You don’t trust me.”

“I trust you.”

“No,” Dylan says. “You don’t. Which, like, it has to be earned n’shit, but that goes both ways, and I can’t trust you if you’re not going to be honest with me. I can’t trust you if I think you’re going to keep bulldozing over your own emotions to make me happy. Or, what you think will make me happy.”

“I don’t want you to—” He cuts himself off because he doesn’t know how to end that sentence, everything muddled in his brain. (this was where i thought about starting the whole “i’m scared you’ll leave me if i don’t want to have sex with you” argument but then decided it was too much for the last chapter) “You liked it, though.”

“Yeah, because I like sex and I think you’re hot, and there was not enough blood in my brain to understand what was happening right away. I’m sorry, though. I should’ve stopped you sooner.” (originally, they weren’t going to get as far as they did with the blowjob but it didn’t work to stop it any sooner, so i kept writing. this is also not an excuse necessarily but again: hockey player)

Mitch’s ass is starting to hurt, so he hauls himself up from the floor to sit on the couch again, twisted around to keep Dylan in his sightline. “I’m sorry too,” he says and tips his head up. “Are you still going to leave.”

“Depends,” he says warily. Mitch digs his fingers into the back cushion and hates the thought of him walking away.

“I’ll keep my hands to myself. (*selena gomez voice* i mean i could by why would i want to) C’mon, Dyl, we’re not going to see each other in forever.”

Dylan visibly hesitates, but eventually he drops his coat again, toes off his shoes, crosses around the sofa to stand in front of him, Mitch twisted the right way around. “Okay, fine, but I want to go to bed. I’m tired.”

“It’s still early,” Mitch says, just to be difficult. He’s tired too, bone-weary from the game and from the rest of the night, and he gives over his hands so Dylan can pull him up. (it’s about the hand touching!! the intimacy!!)

anyway this was a tricky scene to balance while being respectful of 1) where characters currently are 2) where they used to be and 3) where i wanted them to end up. so mitch defaulting to sex to make dylan feel better and dylan letting him fulfills point 2, dylan stopping them but only after he realises fulfills point 1, and agreeing to talk fulfills point 3! not sure if it was executed well re: motivations and reactions, but i definitely did my best :)

#angela #thank you!!#also fun fact you deleted after i sent this link to you #and i genuinely was worried i wrote something that pissed you off #i hope that was not the case!#fic talk #my fic #hockey fic #hockey bros #answered #selkiefinalist #signed sealed delivered

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lunarrwolf · 4 years

Text

black butterflies [colby brock]

fandom: sam and colby/traphouse

pairing: colby x self

word count: 1,864

part(s): one two

summary: after a prank gone wrong, colby and his friends meet another youtuber during her meet and greet in hopes it will cheer her up

A/N: this is a self-insert because it’s a fic that was started for my own personal pleasure. it was supposed to be shared last year on my fan account after a poll was done but never was bc i ended up not feeling ready to do so. i figured since i‘m ready to share it now, it would be best to do it here since it’s pretty detailed

TWO

She was going to be okay, right? She didn't need Casey to be there every step of the way. The redhead wasn't even needed for the business over in California. She always did perfectly fine without her longtime friend in all the solo videos. Casey was only there for a fraction of the recorded moments. Besides, the argument that night made it clear that she only ever pretended to enjoy the spooks that came with being a part of the channel. There was never any pure joy or thrill that usually came with experiencing such things with your friend. Yet those were half of the best memories Kirsy had with her since the beginning of the channel. They'd been best friends since eighth grade, and yet one prank likely destroyed a friendship of seven years. It was a sad fact that she had to suck up and admit so it wouldn't ruin the trip. So far the only bright side was that her best friend since her sophomore year of high school was going to be keeping her company.

“Please don't tell me you're sulking.” She blinked, realizing she was thoughtfully staring at the half packed suitcase on her bed. She turned her head to the doorway that had a twenty-four year old leaning against it.

Aiden met Kirsy during a school talent show that she was chosen to film. He was one of those viewers always looking for new people to subscribe to, and he found her page only weeks before the show when she had around 1,000 subscribers. He helped a lot with photos and editing, and was the only person who was a real friend for her out of the new ones she made after her channel became widely known. After Casey left, he stepped up as what he described as the 'better best friend’.

She sighed at the raised eyebrow adorning his face and sat on the bed, crossing her legs. “I have a right to sulk, jerkface.”

“Jerkface? You've had better insults than that.” He straightened his posture and walked over to the girl, sitting on the other side of the suitcase. “Was it fair to spring a horror movie on her less than a week after her return from vacation? No- no it was not. But she was in the wrong to just leave you like that. You apologized several times, and has she responded at all? No. And why?”

“I really don't want to have one of your sometimes vulgar speeches right now-”

“Why hasn't she replied?”

Kirsy sighed and hung her head back, letting silence sink in for a brief moment. “Because she’s a jealous supporting character who only stayed because I ended up making money from my videos?”

Aiden raised his eyebrows and leaned back against the mattress, “That wasn't a statement.”

“Well what is it that you want me to say?!” She lifted her arms in exasperation, throwing herself back only to realize that the half empty trunk was still there. She groaned, hiding her face in the side of the object as the young man beside her rolled his eyes.

Once he became familiar with the ginger himself, he was an eyewitness to all fights and disagreements between the pair, as well as the resolutions that came along with them. After the second or third time, he started to observe the way they interacted with one another. Kirsy used to have a tendency of going too far with what she said or did but stopped when she saw how it affected people, which is why this last prank really surprised him. On the other hand, Casey was someone who held grudges and would say the opposite of what she meant when she was upset by something. Her temper raised more than others he knew, and after such a long vacation from the type of content his friend makes, it probably pushed her off the edge. It wasn’t right to pull a stunt like that but it was less right to refuse to resolve issues or just be civil after the other party puts in so much effort to fix a wrong.

They may have become friends when he was a senior and they were sophomores, but he considered Kirsy his closest. She was the type to either not be fazed by other people or bottle things up if she was; there was never an in-between. He watched her bemused as she kept her face on the side of the suitcase, reaching for a pillow to throw on top of her head. “I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to stop being so depressing.”

“Depressed is my default.”

There was a beat of silence after her muffled reply, then laughter broke out in the empty room. She lifted her head from underneath the pillow to see Aiden trying to keep himself from laughing too hard. He didn’t know if it was because of how she sounded or because of the fact she said it so casually, but he couldn’t help himself. Seeing her friend enjoy himself over something she said did make her feel better. So - she threw the object back at him and sat up. He dialed it down immediately, chuckling when they made eye contact. “I’m sorry but while that wasn’t the thing I was looking for, it was something. And you need to realize that you can’t control what other people do and how they handle things. You can, however, control how you handle shit. Now I say you finish packing so we can get our asses to fucking California and you can show me off to all of your west coast kids.”

She stared at him for a short moment before pointing at him, “See? Vulgar speech.” He rolled his eyes and she grinned, hopping off her bed to go to her closet.

The young man followed suit, staring at the mostly black attire. “Alright- you better pick the cutest alternative clothes you have if we’re going to be meeting cute boys.”

Kirsy rolled her eyes immediately, not surprised at all with her friend’s judgement and eagerness for them to find boyfriends. Or even just someone for each of them only for the time they would be over there for the trip. “We’re going to Los Angeles, Aiden. Where is there going to be a cute guy who’s also not going to end up being a jerk?”

The former blonde eyed the boy going over how they could approach the vlogger when the time comes.

Colby didn’t want to come off cocky or dismissive by bringing up their channels. He also didn’t want to seem too eager since they all now watched her videos just as much as she did theirs. It felt like there was a lot riding on this. It was different than if they would run into each other at a convention somewhere, and he didn’t fully know why. At least, he would always tell himself he didn’t know. “Her meet up isn’t for another two days- why are you freaking out?”

He slumped over the counter, planting his head down into his folded arms. His roommates and closest friends all watched him with knowing looks as he tried several times to brush off the subject. He met each of their gazes, “I’m not freaking out. I just want her to meet some nice people.”

“Her fans are nice people.” Corey cut in, jumping up to sit on the counter across from the kitchen’s island.

The dark brunette only attempted the same trivial action, waving a hand to dismiss the sentence as if it wasn’t a fact. He knew how great a community the girl built up. She always talked about wanting to grow her own family and have that connection with so many people; not one based off of fandoms she was in but based on her own content and genuine following. He was one of those members, only he kept it more low-key than his friends in order to let her have that part of her dream. What Corey said rang, yet at the same time- “Ones she can talk to. I’m sure she would love to meet someone who understands.”

“And this has nothing to do with the fact that you like her.” Jake stated, raising an eyebrow at his friend, daring for him to deny it. It was something he was ready to do the moment the words left his roommate’s lips.

It just didn’t make sense to develop feelings of any kind for something you’d never met or even spoken to - did it? They were two YouTubers who started at different times, somehow never ran into one another at conventions, and she was a fan of his and his roommates long before she started launching her own career in this industry. He never followed the account she had that was mostly dedicated to him but he remembered liking countless posts and reading some of the captions directed at him that he never replied to.

He did notice how similar they were - sense of style, music taste, outlook on life and the many hair color changes - but it couldn’t have stirred anything up. Maybe he just knew that they would get along well if they met in real life versus just knowing that the other existed. There didn’t have to be a whole situation where he developed a crush on a girl who made a fan account for him and showed up in his mentions a lot. Someone who was a fan of him and his content for years before he even acknowledged her; and that was before she started her own channel and brand. At the same time though, before she stopped tagging him in edits and posts, every time she would respond to his posts and such were done without sounding like an actual fan. From the few times he would catch her comments, she made it seem as if they were friends. And her replies always matched his own feeling and hope of someone understanding what he would mean.

The self proclaimed ‘emo god’ of the group could only voice his denial before announcing his leave of the kitchen. After so long, his closest friends knew exactly how their comrade behaved when he was attracted to or was beginning to like someone. They knew he was going to be in denial for at least the two days leading up to all of them seeing the twenty-two year old off screen.

When Colby reached his bedroom, he threw himself on top of the large covers on his bed, placing his hands behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. The ding that indicated a Twitter notification sounded in the silence, and he fished his phone out of his pocket. He saw that he’d been tagged in another post and decided to check it out, expecting it to be art or some selfies for the trend his fans started. It was the latter, although it ended up being a tag from Kirsy’s account. He looked at the photos thoughtfully before pressing the heart on the screen.

Maybe there was another reason for going to her meet up.

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many-gay-magpies · 4 years

Text

Smh i should really stop talking to my mom about anxiety/mental stuff because every time it only makes me feel worse

I love my mom a lot but like . sometimes there are just things that get on my nerves even though i love her. I kinda feel bad because like she tries so hard to understand and says she understands and I know she DOES to a degree so I feel bad for lowkey thinking like the whiny teenager all like "yOu DoN't UnDeRsTaNd Me" sometimes, y'know? Like the bottom line is our brains just work really really differently a lot of the time and she either wants to believe or genuinely believes that they dont

Every time I talk to her about my (non-clinical, probably) anxiety and what caused it (this girl bullying me for six years) she goes on to mention all the ways she was bullied as a kid and all the terrible shit she's gone through to say in the end "so I understand" when like all of that shit is way different from my experience so every time she says it inside I'm just like "yes but actually no"

Like, today i was talking about my bully to her and how I've started realizing that all my responses now are responses i was forced to give as a kid because of the situation i was in with my bully, and she went in depth and told me (all stuff she had already told me about before and also when i had been talking about my anxiety stuffs before) about how her mom forced her to sleep in curlers so she would have banana curls and made her wear dresses and how she got mugged really bad when she was older and all this stuff that is very valid trauma and sucks ass and i thank her for trying to understand me but at the same time all the shit that happened to her was surface level. Neither of us could control what was happening to us, because her mom made her dress like that and I couldn't just make this girl suddenly not have issues, but like a dress is still something you can change??? Take off??? Like it isnt attatched to you as a person. I cant change the fact that i exist, which this girl bullying me apparently hated me for. To her my existence was just like "oh i must hurt this person" not because of what i wore, what i looked like, etc etc.

She also kept subtly bringing up the fact that i had never been PHYSICALLY hurt by my bully and implying that because she HAD her pain was worse and i could have had it worse if my bully physically hurt me and ACTED on the threats to hurt me (which my mom's bullies did) and while yes that was true . My bully didn't threaten to physically hurt me at all so there were no threats TO act on she just talked to me like i was shit all the time and beat my self esteem about my personality into a meaningless pulp . I kind of wanted to scream in my moms face "YOUR PAIN WAS MOSTLY PHYSICAL WHILE MINE WAS EMOTIONAL, BOTH ARE VALID AND DIFFERENT" but i know she does know that-- but maybe it would have gotten the point across idk

I wish so badly that i could just tell my mom "I dont want/need you to understand, i just need you to be here" and like i could but . I'm not there yet

(Warning ahead, I'm sorry if this gets really long but like I wanna get it off my chest before i go to sleep bcs i feel like ill sleep better if i do)

Another thing that annoys me is that??? Every time??? I say something??? Or tell her how I'm feeling at the moment??? She just asks me??? "Why?"??? And yes its good to talk about stuff but I'm trying to explain to you in a polite way why i want to leave the conversation and that its making me uncomfortable and i just want to go to bed and you just go "but why are you uncomfortable?" Or like if i tell her I'm upset and i want to stop talking about it she goes "why are you upset? I dont want you to be upset" and I'm just. I literally just said i dont want to talk about this anymore can i please leave you cant control that I'm upset about this because continuing talking to you is just going to make me more upset because no matter what way i try to explain it i cant get my points across right to you and i dont want to say you dont understand bcs thats immature but you kind of dont understand

I want to tell her "This conversation isnt having the outcome i wanted it to have and i want to leave it before it makes me more upset so that i can go think on it for later" but I'm sure if i do. that shed just go "but WHY arent you happy with the conversation tell me so i can fix it" and if i tell her blatantly what is making me unhappy (the fact that she keeps saying she understands and pouring stories of her traumas onto me to "prove" that she understands) then she's going to guilt trip me when were talking in the future by emphasizing the fact that i dont like when she talks a certain way and be all like "oh i wont tell you about my OWN experiences though because you said you don't LIKE when I DO that" and i just hhhhhh

Like every time i tell her she doesnt understand and try to explain it in a way that she WILL and it'll finally click it just. Doesn't and it makes me feel so defeated because every time i do that she just circles back around to "well i experienced all these types of trauma so i totally understand" and i appreciate the effort but that just isnt the kind of support i needed to make me feel content

And also when i was talking to her tonight i told her about a specific instance that happened in like 1rst or 4th grade where I was crying because the girl bullying me was just in one of those. Bad Moods™ where like she hated me for existing and talked to me like i was a piece of trash she had stepped in or smth and then she and a couple other kids asked me WHY I WAS CRYING and I didn't want to tell her "hey I'm crying because you keep hurting me and i dont want you to" because if i said that she would just hurt me MORE so i made up a lie on the spot and said that my parents had a small argument (I'm a sensitive kid and will cry at the barest hint of conflict between my parents so it checked out) and i was crying because of it and . Out of that ENTIRE STORY the one thing my mom zeroed in on was the fact that i told a lie that "painted my parents in a bad light"

Just. Like. Yeah. It did. But I wasn't even thinking about that at the moment?? Like it didn't even cross my mind??? The only thing i was thinking about was that i was scared and in danger and i probably would have said anything to get OUT of that danger (as fake or ill-perceived it might have been). But no, even later on after i had explained that in basically those exact words she still went back around to say "oh if it was bad enough that you told a lie about your parents to get out of it then she REALLY fucked you up"

Which??? By the way??? Is a whole other reason why i try not to talk to my mom about this shit??? Because every time i open up about it and want to have a conversation in a more logical/organized/"well here's the situation and here's what we can do about it" kind of way she always turns it around and says stuff like "damn [REDACTED] really fucked you up didn't she" and "I didn't know it was that bad"/"I didn't know it effected you that bad, you should have said something!" which. Makes me Feel Bad™, for some reason way more than my dad excitedly talking about reptile and monkey brains and how stuff that happened to us in the past is engrained into our brain and still effects us now, like instinct

She also always turns all of my stuff talking about emotions into "oh you're just a teenager" "you're pms'ing" "you'll grow out of it later"

Like one time i told her that her mind was always in the past or the future, always worrying about the past or the future, never in the present, in response to her worrying a bunch about something and how i had my mind in the present more often and her response was something along the lines of "well you're like that because you're young and a teenager, you CAN stay thinking in the present because you dont have all that stuff to worry about like an adult does, I'm an adult and i work a bunch so i constantly have stuff to worry about" and like. Yeah theres some solidity to that. But also i literally talked about that exact thing with my dad and HE said her brain was always in the past/future and never the present so I'm pretty sure its not just a teen vs adult thing

And then towards the end of this whole thing when i had finally managed to tell her "hey I'm uncomfortable in this conversation can i please leave and go to bed" and even further explained that it was because i went into this wanting to have a more casual/logic-based talk rather than an emotional discussion and . she's kind of of the mind that "why did you bring it up if you didn't want to have a deep emotional discussion about it" and I'm just HHHNNNNGGGG but also i actually DIDNT mention it, first i was mentioning how id been having sensory overload lately and how certain sounds of words hurt and then she said i should have a doctor check that out and then i said "I've been reading up on anxiety and sensory overload is a part of that so i figured that's just what it was" (bcs my dad gets sensory overload a lot too) which then ensued a ten-minute conversation about how i probably dont have clinical anxiety because mine isnt as bad as/like all the many, many people my mom has known who DO have it (throughout which i kept trying to tell her "just social anxiety exists too tho" to which she would respond "yea but u dont have these symptoms of general anxiety so i dont think u have it" and while i hope and think i dont i was just like HHHHHHH because i mean social anxiety and by social anxiety I DO NOT MEAN GENERAL ANXIETY YOU CAN HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY WITHOUT HAVING GENERAL at least i think idk i might be wrong) which i ended by saying "i probably dont have clinical anxiety but i do believe my brain has been wired to react to certain situations based on how i had to react to those situations for six years" which then lead to me talking more about my bully and my mom pretty much siphoning as much emotional vulnerability and opening up out of me as she could

And then at the end i told her "can i please leave i kind of feel like crying and i dont want to do it in front of a person at the moment" (because I haven't cried in a few months and i feel like I'm in need of a good cry tbh which in itself is something she doesnt really understand) which lead her to go "why do you feel like crying now I'm worried for you" and HHHHHHEBDJBEHNDEJHBDNEHDBEH yeah--

There's probably more i could say but I'm not going to, because its almost 1 am and while i had actually been about to sleep early at like ten she ended up roping me into an hour or two long talk about emotions, which is. Fun. And i have to get up in six hours so I'm going to go to bed. Sorry if this was a mess which I'm sure it is, i really just needed to get this out there lol

Also when i went to my dad after this to say goodnight (i actually like talking to my dad abt this stuff a lot since his brain and mine are just really similar) he gave me this lil smile and just said "deep breaths" and that made me feel better

#magpie thoughts #and at the end she started doing that thing where she acts silly to try and make me happy and not feel like crying which is a good sentiment #but like i WANTED to cry tonight and now im not in the mood anymore #magpie rants

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jawnjendes · 4 years

Text

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs," Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

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